Luke's Stuff

This blog is closed.

2014-09-29T21:25:00.000-07:00

I'm closing this blog. Again, it's become an infrequently updated, unpopular thing so I'm starting fresh. New details available soon.

Scottish Independence - the Canadian argument

2014-09-12T15:19:00.001-07:00

Yes, I'm still an Englishman and yes, I still support Scottish independence. Why, because although no process of creating a new country is smooth and free from complication, I get the feeling that things will be OK in the end. And England will be just fine too. Not perfect, but we never were anyway.

Just look at those who have gone before you, and take a look at how well they've fared, particularly those Western countries that were formerly part of the British Empire.

When America fought for independence, it was not without a struggle, lives were lost but ended up being the number one economy in the world and an economic, political and cultural zeitgeist. Same goes for the Republic of Ireland, which hasn't done bad for itself.

On the other side of the world, we have Australia and New Zealand, who still have the Queen as their Head of State, but rule their own affairs and have strong economies, and are such an attractive place to be, that many, many Brits are moving there every year.

I went to an emigration event last year. My wife is desperate to leave the UK and I wanted to find out more information for myself. I'm curious but not so eager to leave. It was last October at the WorkingIn event in Manchester. There were advisors from Australia and New Zealand there, as well as advisors from one other place. They talked about things to bear in mind about emigrating, the hard truth as it were, as well as some facts about their countries. All of them got out of recession quicker than the UK, and are just getting on with being better while we as a country struggle to turn a profit.

Anyway, the other country, as above, was Canada and I'll focus on this one a little bit. Canada severed its last ties with Westminster a little over 30 years ago in 1982, having gained independence bit by bit for decades. It still has the Queen as it's Head of State, but is a country in it's own right. Economically, Canada is doing quite well, seeing as it is currently a member of the G8, and is popular for emigration from both the UK and the USA.

So, what does this mean for Scotland? Well, I'll look at the similarities you guys share.

1) Nova Scotia

Nova Scotia was one of the first places discovered in Canada, receiving it's name in 1621, and you can easily see it translates from Latin to "New Scotland" (as opposed to the New England bits further south in the USA). Quite a bit of an endorsement for a new country. And the flag of Nova Scotia is a reverse Saltire (white background, blue cross) with the Scottish Rampant Lion in the middle. Kind of like a tribute, really, to the real deal.

Beautiful.

2) A fondness for Plaid

It says it all really, though Canadian Plaid typically (as worn by the typical lumberjack) is more red, I'm guessing to stand out amongst all the trees. Also, as worn by loads of people everywhere in some shape or form...

Oh fuck yes.

3) An understated contribution to media

There's a lot of output from BBC Scotland and other Scottish-based media companies, and yes it does include things like Balamory and Me Too (I have a daughter of 4 so cBeebies does go on from time to time) as well as a lot of serious drama and stuff. And quite a lot of actors, scriptwriters and authors hail from up north as well. I watch Doctor Who so I know how much this is true.

For Canadian actors, many people assume they're American until they find out they aren't. And if you look up Vancouver, it has a nickname of "Hollywood North" due to it's impressive media output, that you may have never known about until I told you just now. Along the same lines, Scotland could still hold it's own in the world of media.

And lest ye not forget that in the world of Sci Fi, there was a quite prominent Scottish character, who was called Mr Scott, or Scotty, i.e.

Played by James Doohan, who is also best known as being completely and utterly Canadian.

4) You'd be the UK's Canada, and we'd be your USA

If you go independent, you'll be a country north of us, which is slightly colder and politically more to the left. Us lucky people would be a little more exposed to the fucking lunacy of UKIP, which I noted at times were in favour of destroying the NHS, reducing taxes on the rich and deregulation of ownership of guns. Yes, guns. So basically, we're in danger of looking a lot more like 'Murica, should enough thick people decide they want to use their power to vote next year. It's the only thing making me wishing to have a Tory majority government instead (though that in itself is not my ideal situation). You don't want Trident, but I get the feeling that England does more. And we'll be keen to keep up our "special relationship" and sell shitloads of weaponry to everyone.

We may as well not worry any more about what our flag would look like with Scotland gone.

(yes, that's 51 stars, yes I'm trying to be too clever.)

5) You both pronounce "about" as "aboot"

I thought I'd put this one a bit further down the list.

"I wish I never deep fried that Kraft Dinner, Philip. There's something bubbling in my ass!"

I of course learned how to speak Scottish from a Maynard's Wine Gums advert.

6) A fuckload of islands

I found out today that Scotland has 790 islands. This is Canada.

Nobody has counted all of Canada's islands, but estimates are in hundreds of thousands.

Summary

So basically, you're a bit like Canada. The weather is a bit nippy, there are some really remote places of your country to go to and get lost in, and you're a proudly multicultural society that has a strong sense of national identity. And why should economical worries be a problem? Canada has very strong trading links with the US, just as much as Scotland will do with the rest of the UK.

There are some differences, as two countries are never the same (seeing that Canada is much bigger, and has an independence issue of its own with Québec), but that isn't really a flaw in the argument. I'm just demonstrating that as a similar country, you can go it alone and you can make it a success and you don't need to look back.

Just don't create any of your own Justin McBiebers. Thank you for your consideration.

Scottish Independence

2014-07-22T23:41:00.001-07:00

There is going to be a referendum on Scottish Independence in September, where the Scottish get the opportunity to vote on whether they want to remain in the Union with wee sassenachs like myself, or get to make it their own way.

There's been debate on both sides as to whether it would be better for Scotland to stay or go, and if Scotland did go, what that would mean for Scotland and the rest of the UK.

Personally I think the wrong questions are being asked on both sides. Scotland could re-draw the borders and detach itself from the top of England, but what's the issue with separating? Is it just that Scotland wants to be wholly independent from Westminster, but doesn't have a grudge with the rest of the UK, or is it a more a historical matter and a case of national pride?

In my mind, and what my argument entails, is that a lot of resources, material and financial are directed towards London from the rest of the UK, constantly feeding it, making it a bloated and disproportionate city compared to the rest of the country. There is even a brain drain towards London, more and more of the good jobs are based there, and house prices are still soaring compared to the UK. It seems as if everything is being built there and projects to improve infrastructure in the rest of the country (namely HS2) are still linked to the nation's capital. The only thing London is giving back to the rest of the country are its poor and destitute.

You look at other countries and they aren't primarily known for one city, usually (there are exceptions, I admit). Spain has Madrid, but also has Barcelona. Russia has Moscow, but also has St. Petersburg. Holland has Amsterdam and Rotterdam. Germany has Berlin but also has Munich and Frankfurt. Also China with Beijing, Shanghai and Hong Kong. With Britain it is London and occasionally Edinburgh.

And the US has New York, but also has Los Angeles, Chicago, Boston,etc etc before you even get to Washington DC. The main point is that you can be a great and powerful country, people can come to visit you from everywhere AND you don't have to devote your resources to one city alone. Even with other countries that only have one major city (and that city being the capital) tend not to put the greatest things of their country there.

Don't get me wrong, I like visiting London. You can get anything there and do anything, eat anything, drink anything etc (as long as you have the money) but I wouldn't live there. Living spaces (as opposed to things like apartments and houses elsewhere) are small and expensive, and are only small and expensive due to demand. Cuz of everything going there.

Anyway, I wondered whether the best thing for the biggest part of England, Wales, Scotland and not forgetting Northern Ireland is to redraw the borders a little differently.

Here we go:

Greater Scotland, with its capital in Edinburgh, would be a new country where no individual city has an unbalanced level of power towards any other. Power could be devolved to different districts, creating a more federal type of country, more like the US. Wealth would be more evenly distributed and the people who are annoyed at Westminster ruling over them would rule no more. And Greater Scotland could also be a republic. Independence from Westminster without much of an effect on the economy either.

Londonia would be a city state, bloated and corpulent, a bit like a grimy version of Monaco. It would have to be more dependent on the rest of the British Isles for support (especially as the only escape route is down the Thames) but it would isolate all the Russian oligarchs from everyone else (then when the weather is nice, they'll go sun themselves in Monaco). It would still be a place of wealth, but it would have to fund its own development. As Londonia would lean towards becoming more of a tax haven for the rich, though, it would all have to be privately funded. A capitalist's dream, then.

So it's win/win basically. Greater Scotland citizens would no longer need to sing that terrible dirge "God Save The Queen", and the Greater Scotland football team would actually be more of a terrifying presence. And Londonia, nothing much will change, really.

And that Alexander Salmond seems such a nice guy. Sorry - President Salmond.

I could have been an Elliott Rodger

2014-05-27T05:47:00.000-07:00

Well, firstly, apologies for the delay in posting something meaningful on my blog. It's been a while and I know I do publish some good stuff on here (both serious and not), it should be more often. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

There's been another shooting in America and while, yes, there are shootings going on all the time, the motive for this one was very grim indeed. It has sparked debate, oh has it sparked debate, there are many views and stories abound on Twitter right now, as well as insults and other childish stuff.

Anyway the last time I wrote about shootings was here. This was off the back off that tragic shooting in Connecticut where many children died.

This morning, I watched Elliott Rodger's supposedly final video and thought about it, to make some final analysis before I wrote this. I read a little into his profile, he was 22, a virgin and had not even been kissed, diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, and wanted to have a relationship with a woman but did not understand why there weren't women who wanted to have a relationship with him. So much so, that he decided to wage a private little war against womankind for ignoring him in favour of other men, the so-called Creatine pumped, muscular types.

I thought back to when I was 22. I'd recently left University, was looking for work and was finding it hard to adjust to post-study life. I had few friends at that time and spent a fair bit of time on the Internet trying to socialise with others. I wasn't very good as socialising and even though I had never been diagnosed with it (getting such a label is harder in the UK than it is in the US) I would say that I have Asperger's-like traits. I also had a lot of dark thoughts at the time (sometimes suicidal), and like Elliott Rodger, I still hadn't had sex. I was pretty much an angry, young man. I wanted to experience what sex was like, and my only experience of it was what I saw, in other words, pornography (which as many of us know is a completely fantastical view of sex) where, unless you go for niche types, usually involves the male in a dominant position, often forciful. It turns my stomach.

Also like Elliott, I was bullied at High School and was affected by it. School can be a frightening microcosm for someone who doesn't fit in, especially when hormones are introduced into the mix. Over and over, I would hear stories about other boys' sexual conquests (and the girls' ones too) and likewise I would be taunted for not having any myself. They even constantly asked whether I masturbated or not (I didn't - cue many sticky sheets in the morning (I actually couldn't at the time anyway but that's another story)). That and for other things they picked on, I was quite a withdrawn character at school, though I constantly had hope that there was someone at break times I could hang out with (there was one other guy who got bulled a lot but I didn't hang around with him - he was the token straight guy who everyone thought was gay - but in my naive young years which I regret, I was homophobic).

When I was 16, which coincidentally, was a similar time to the shootings at Columbine (Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold) and Dunblane, I spent many a time trying to hatch out a plan in my mind how to shoot up my school. Being in the UK, though, access to guns is much more prohibited than in the US, but I had an understanding then that you could get guns on the black market, and all I would need to do was to save up enough money, be connected to the right people, and do the deed. But seeing as shooters usually end up dead themselves, and shooting doesn't actually do any good to anyone or would have proved me right (and the fact that getting firearms is nigh on impossible), I had the intelligence to realise how really, really, really, really, really, really stupid that plan was. So instead I tried to focus on what I could do to socialise better, e.g. getting to know subjects that other boys were interested in (i.e. football, football, bit of music, girls and football). For a short while, I even became a football fan (West Bromwich Albion). They still didn't like me but I had more in common and ended up socialising a bit better.

Soon, High School came to an end and I went to University. To save on dough, I commuted from home every day, but this didn't evade the fact that I was amongst new people who were difficult to socialise with, even though I tried hard. I hung around with a group for a while (I've lost contact with most of them though). Desperate for social contact, I spent a lot of time on chatrooms and forums, just to talk to people. It was frustrating, though, as any form of social contact I made (internet or real life) was superficial. I'd see them but I'd never be part of a circle of friends. Again, my young, stupid self wanted to exact revenge on Society and I was glad I didn't. For a short while, I found an avenue for my anger against Society and hung around a bunch of hard-left fanatics (who were glad to take anyone on), and invited me to meals out and to quite a few demonstrations and events which I went to. I didn't share their politics per se, but did share some common ground, like trying to save the NHS etc. It was also a time I started learning about mental illnesses and whether any applied to me (I was convinced at one stage that the dark thoughts in me were a form of Schizophrenia). I did realise that I felt depressed a lot and suicidal, but was afraid to seek help in case I was sectioned or forced to do something which would mean I couldn't complete my degree. For a while, I self medicated myself with St. John's Wort which did help (I had to stop because it made my chest hurt for some reason).

I didn't do very well at University and knew that I was hovering between a 2:2 and a Third (I felt it hard to keep up the impetus to do harder, and my written essays were short of understandable at that point), and if I got a Third I would kill myself by leaping out of one of the campus windows. I got a Third in the end but I didn't go through with trying to end my own life. At graduation itself, you can see the anger in my face amongst my fellow students in the class photo - I managed to get a photo of me with my middle finger to the camera.

So after that, as above was more misery, but that wasn't the end of the story. Because rather than going through with a plan, divorcing myself from humanity and declaring war on it, I persevered. I found work here and there, and shortly before I was 23, I met someone and totally lost my virginity. I came in a matter of seconds as I didn't know what it felt like. We met from time to time (for sex - those times I lasted longer too) and were also good friends for a while, even after I dumped her. We're no longer in contact with each other now and officially none of this paragraph ever happened (I'll never name names either).

After this I was in my current relationship, and we stuck together, got married and now have a daughter together. Things are better, much better than those dark times.

So, I've walked the same path as many others who have decided to take it out on others, to kill and maim because things didn't go the way they wanted, and didn't succumb to that temptation. Now, it isn't just the fact that gun control is still too lax in America and the blame doesn't lay solely with Elliott Rodger, though a lot of the responsibility lies squarely with him for the despicable acts he did.

Some of it is to do with the company we keep. If our peers have similarly poor views on women (Elliott visited a forum with other men who weren't getting laid either which has now been shut down) then this can have an effect on impressionable young ones.

Further afield, culture appears to be to blame as well. Elliott hits out at the Creatine'd up men who seem to attract women like iron to a magnet, and at the women who ignore his supposedly gentlemanly like charms. He was also from an affluent background, with parents with successful jobs in the movie business, which you may expect some women to like. Why I mention culture is because culture paints two specific mindsets for men and women, and expects them to conform to this:

The men are told that they come first, that they are the best, everything and everyone else is inferior. They have to be at the top of their game, competitive, strong and confident to the point of being cocky. They are dominant and see the world to be something to be bended to their will. Men who aren't are to be destroyed, for they are not the warriors we seek. Men should also remove anything in their way if that is their will, for we do not bargain or negotiate, we shoot first and ask questions later. We want everything and we want it now.

The women are judged by how useful they are to men. If they do not keep themselves pretty, if they do not do what they are told, if they do not make themselves available, then they are to be hated. There is still an intense, global commodification of women, and this control is meted out through advertisements, magazines and the like, and even in the Western world, where women can speak more freely, this control makes this freedom more like an illusion. Women are still an asset or a liability, sold between father and husband.

Women are also "sluts", "whores", "bitches" and "pussy", whereas men are men, only sometimes suffering an insult which is usually unisex like "arsehole/asshole".

It is toxic, and basically means that as a civilisation, while we feel we have made giant leaps, we have only made small steps, and not always in the right direction. If people like Elliott Rodger feel they are entitled to women whenever they want, and entitled to kill people if they can't get what they want, something is desperately wrong. Do pour scorn on Elliott for his poor decision making but do think about whether this will happen again. Elliott, with his grandiose statements, attempting to make himself greater than all men, is not alone here. And it is usually men who kill. But as soon as they do, they stop being a victim and become part of the problem.

Culture is a big thing to tackle, it is so big that it eats people up and spits them out. But you don't fight it by killing, you do it by remaining unique and supporting others who are the same, you disobey your label and understand yourself better, and learn how to feel comfortable in your own skin rather than trying to adhere to someone else's standards. If you're a nerdy kid, be a nerdy kid. If you want to date a nerdy kid, then give it a go. If you don't like working out, then don't do it, and certainly if you don't want to get breast implants to make yourself into a form for the purpose of pleasing men, then refuse to go under the knife. Accept yourself and be open to other people who want to do the same. If they don't like you, that's their choice and their problem but it never means that everyone will ignore you. It's a big world and you have to be patient to meet the right people, not everyone does that straight away.

Conclusion: Live life, don't be a dick to others.

What if Earth was Elder Scrolls?

2014-03-31T13:10:00.002-07:00

I just did this as a bit of fun (no offence intended) - Clicky for larger

A song about the 'flu

2014-02-17T12:42:00.000-08:00

(To the tune of Something Tells Me I'm Into Something Good)

Woke up this morning, feeling shit,
Got something special from some clit,
I feel sick, have the chills, and can't eat my grub,
Atchoo,
Something tells me I've got the fucking 'flu.

Fallout LDN: Sundry Factoids

2013-10-02T14:05:00.001-07:00

Here is just a long list of factoids regarding Fallout LDN, backstory bits, random bits of knowledge, just plenty of misc.

Vaults and locations:

Brit-Vault and Vault-Tec built several vaults around the UK and in Ireland, in a higher concentration than any other European country. Vault types were ranked based on purpose, and the types of people resident in them, and were designed with a letter and a number (as opposed to the US system of pure numerics).

A-type vaults are to protect the Government, the Royal Family and top military, and are generally the best built of all. No experiments to be carried out on residents.

Vault A1: Complete upgrade of existing underground bunker facilities underneath Houses of Parliament, London. Fully equipped for accommodating up to 150 ministers, business leaders, families and maintenance personnel/androids indefinitely. Supplied with 2x G.E.C.K. Unknown opening date.

Vault A2: Edinburgh, Scotland. Facilities as above for Scottish/Northern England based ministers etc. Vault breached 2180.

Vault A3: Dublin, Republic of Ireland. Facilities as above for Irish and Northern Ireland ministers etc, in accordance with the Mutual Protection Act 2067. Status unknown.

Vault A4: Undisclosed location. Facilities for Royal Family, Royal Guard and Military Chiefs of Staff. Connected to UK military installations via the secure Rogue III communications system. (rumoured to be in Wiltshire). Opened 2248.

B-type vaults are premium facilities, and understandibly, charged top dollar for anyone who wanted to be resident there. The poor didn't even get a look-in, as all maintenance was automated. Residents to be monitored but no experiments to be carried out. No G.E.C.Ks to be supplied.

Vault B1: Kenwood, nr Golders Green, London. Included a Synagogue. Opened 2187 following power failure.
Vault B2: Richmond Park, Greater London. Emergency deer sanctuary. Opened 2200 following oxygen recycling systems failure.
Vault B3: Windsor, Buckinghamshire. Failed in 2106 when automation went down. All residents were sealed in and perished after a power failure (nobody knew what to do).
Vault B4: Edgbaston, Birmingham. Opened 2248.
Vault B5: Altrincham, Greater Manchester. Opened in 2120 following an internal revolt. Radiation levels too high to permit survival.
Vault B6, Harrogate, North Yorkshire. Status unknown.

C-type vaults are standard facilities designed to preserve the greatest minds of the time.

Vault C1: Cambridge, Cambridgeshire. Opened 2248.
Vault C2: Oxford, Oxfordshire. Opened 2248.

D-type vaults, also known as "Lottery Vaults" gave the opportunity for ordinary people to win the chance to get into a vault. Tickets were not cheap, but considerably less expensive than the price to reserve a place in a B-type vault. As a condition of allowing these vaults, Vault-Tec were allowed to carry out experiments on residents, and rigged some of the results in order to get the right mix of people for certain tests.

Vault D1: Blackheath, London. To study partial oxygenation failure 20 days after chamber sealed. Internal rioting followed by population control measures instigated by the Overseer. Vault opened 2248 following All-Clear broadcast.
Vault D2: Cowlairs Park, nr Glasgow, Scotland. Temperature control failure caused all residents to boil to death.
Vault D3: Sandwell Park, West Midlands. Exposure to mutated Smallpox virus to test effect of irradiated diseases on test subjects. All residents eliminated. Vault designated as Quarantined indefinitely.
Vault D4: Hackney Marshes, London. Vault to be supplied with an All-Clear system that will not be connected to the network. Vault to be sealed indefinitely. Opened 2288 following failure of main power.
Vault D5: Stockport, Greater Manchester. To test psychoactive aerosols on residents to study effects of drug induced aggression. Vault status unknown.
Vault D6: Swansea, Wales. Voting results rigged to ensure residents who have extreme left-wing tendencies were chosen, to study their interactions. Vault opened 2248.
Vault D7: York, North Yorkshire. Residents chosen based on calmness and passiveness, no weapons to be supplied to vault. Ordered to be sealed indefinitely but records show Vault was breached in 2280 by external forces.
Vault D8: Swindon, Wiltshire. For low-ranking military personnel to study interactions. Vault opened 2248.
Vaults D9-D20 at various locations around the UK and in Ireland.

Vault-Tec papers confirm that they constructed an "E-type" vault; however, the details of the construction were classified, as was its exact location and purpose. Sightings of Vertibirds flying to and from North Yorkshire suggest that there is a secret vault there.
(Spoiler: Prior to the Great War, secret outposts for the US government were built at various sites around the world. Vault E in the UK serves as an Enclave base, with two smaller, similar sites near Paderborn, Germany and on Malta.)

F-type vaults were unmanned storage facilities, in order to preserve culture, 4 such vaults were built to store precious documents, artefacts and artworks, the precise locations known only to Vault A1 and to Vault-Tec headquarters in Washington DC (data destroyed at this location).

Brit-Vault gave those unlucky enough to not get a place in a vault instructions on how to build their own atomic shelters in their own backyards. This was, of course, simply a measure to reassure people rather than have them panic, but there were many so called "Z-type" shelters built by hand, which turned out to be valuable caches for survivors in decades to come, long after their original owners had long perished. Many of London's ghouls survived in these shelters, extending and furnishing them.

Doctor Who Needs A Poo!

2013-08-13T23:24:00.001-07:00

This is another faux-kids story written in the (or attempted to, anyway) amazing Julia Donaldson style (The Gruffalo, Room On The Broom etc).

This is the last Doctor Who story before Matt Smith regenerated into Peter Capaldi (don't you know)

Poor Doctor needs a poo!
But where's the toilet? Boo hoo hoo!

The one on the Tardis has a block in it,
It was Clara's fault when she last had a shit!

He needs to lay a massive chod,
And turns to Clara with a nod.

"Let's go to Planet Veriantrakool
So I can drop the kids off at the pool!"

This was a toilet planet, they say,
Bowls and bidets and games to play.

So they go land in the Space Dock,
They get out and it's a barren rock?

"Doctor, the toilets are gone!" Clara says,
"No bidets, blocked with thick curly hairs,"

"No sinks for our hands, no middens to fill,
No Portaloos that are ready to spill!"

"This is just great!", The Doctor cries out,
"A mission for us, enemies to clout,"

"Someone to defeat, before I must shit,
Well, come on Clara, let's get on with it."

So they explore the planet, lonely and barren,
Then they encounter an explorer called Darren!

Darren gets up, "Away you must go!
No, you must not stay! No no no no!"

"They've killed everyone, like my friend Vance,
And the cleaners, the wipers, the attendants!"

"They blew up the toilets into tiny little bits,
So no one can piss, sick, or do big shits!"

"Who are they that destroyed everything?
Where is the minister? Where is the King?"

"They've all gone now. Everyone is dead,
Let's get out of here now!", poor Darren said.

The Doctor strains and lets out a sly fart,
"Well, that's bought me some time, now let's depart!"

His sonic screwdriver was bright as 'twas day,
"Follow me, the bad guys are this way!"

Darren and Clara could not help but follow,
The turd filled Doctor, into this dark hollow.

This tunnel went down, and past flew a moth,
"Let's solve this crisis before I touch cloth!"

The Doctor stopped before a steel door,
"Let's hope this place has shitters, and more!"

Darren said "You don't want to go there,
This is their base, their big evil lair!"

"Well, I need to shit, I need to go forth"
So with his screwdriver, he unlocked the door-th.

The three of them entered this underground base,
Saw wires and screens all over the place.

"Do they know we are here?" Clara implied,
"This place looks empty, barren and wide."

"The attackers may have abandoned this place,
There's no one here, not even a trace!"

"Let's go find the Gents, then." The Doctor said now,
"I'll ask this computer, it might just know how."

But the terminal sounded off an alarm!
"Don't panic! Just seem very very calm!"

"It looks for people that panic and flee,
Stay still like a statue, just wait and see."

The alarm ceased, and the computer spake,
"You all are outsiders, have you come here to break?"

"Someone smashed all the toilets, the bidets and all,
They even destroyed all the brightly tiled wall."

"We come here in peace!" The Doctor implied,
"The attackers said that, the attackers they lied!"

"I just need a dump." said the Doctor, bereft,
"Well, why didn't you say, they're there on the left."

The Doctor staggered on, forward and true,
His sphincter so tight, so he would not poo.

He reached the Gents' door, so he could defecate,
He opened the door and... "EXTERMINATE!"

His poo plans thwarted, by a single Dalek,
"YOU ARE THE DOCTOR!" "Oh bloody heck!"

"YOU WILL SURRENDER TO THE DALEK RACE!"
"How did you recognise me from this face?"

"I wiped all your memories from all of you lot,
But you're different, now what have we got?"

"A rogue Dalek out here in it's own,
Now why are you here, why are you all alone?"

"I... I... WAS LOST IN THE TIME WAR." the Dalek explained,
"Do you think I am stupid? That I'm little brained?"

"Everyone in the Time War has perished or gone,
And I've met them all, and boy, that was fun."

"There's something about you that just isn't right,
Let's solve this all now, so I can go shite."

The Doctor aimed his screwdriver at the Dalek's head,
Its seal then exploded, and it stopped quite stone dead.

"You've killed it?" asked Clara, her face all confused,
"Not really", said Doctor, "Though I am quite amused."

"You can come out now." he said to the Dalek shell,
The head lifted up, "You win, ah, oh hell!"

Darren ran over, "You fucking little prick!
I thought you were dead, with my mate Rick!"

"You two know each other?" The Doctor asked them both,
"His name is Nigel, and we two sweared an oath."

"We would both never leave each other's side,
But Nigel came here, to run and to hide."

"I was scared! So I hid in this fake Dalek suit,
And guarded this toilet, so it wouldn't become loot."

"It's the only working toilet on this war-scarred rock,
So I had to stand guard, if thieves broke the lock."

"Excuse me, please, I really need to poo."
The Doctor gestured at the room with the loo.

"Be my guest." said Nigel "You may use the bog,
So go and sit down, and poop out your log!"

So the Doctor went in and bolted shut the door,
Grunt splash, grunt splash, and grunt splash some more.

Twenty minutes had passed, was it longer than this?
Clara knocked on the door, "Doctor, I need a piss!"

Spock's Cock

2013-08-10T14:15:00.002-07:00

This text for an adult-themed "kids book" is based on the genius works of Julia Donaldson (creator of The Gruffalo etc. Anyone interested in artwork, feel free...

Oh, it's based on Star Trek as well. Which is amazing of course.

Spock's Cock

Mr Spock has lost his cock,
"This is bad!" said Mr Spock.

It's not by this Tholian rock,
Nor is it in this day old sock.

Spock worries that it's gone far,
Then he remembers Kohlinar.

He calms himself so he can think,
Was it on this chair? Is it in the sink?

Spock starts to feel some gloom,
His cock just isn't in this room!

Spock goes to Sick Bay to see Bones,
The doctor hears his moans and groans!

"I can make you a synthetic cock,
So people won't laugh, stare or mock,

I can make your penis like your own,
Or a different length, or different tone,

So don't worry if you can't find it,
I'll sort you out in a little bit."

"I want my cock!" shouts Mr Spock,
"But you are up against the clock!"

"I'm a doctor, not a wizard,
So get that fact right in your gizzard,"

"I need to put it back on fast,
Or else your penis just won't last!"

Spock searches through the Enterprise,
Before his cock suffers a demise.

Spock goes to see Mr Scott,
He's missing his cock now, a lot!

"Could you run a scan of the ship
To search for my cock, a tiny blip,

Look even behind a circuit board,
'Cause there, might be my lost pork sword!"

Scott thinks "I will give it a good old try,
Don't worry, Spock, don't even cry,

These scanners will lock onto your dick,
Then transport here in one small tick!"

Scott scans the ship for Spock's manhood,
"It's just nae here, there's just no wood!"

"Your cock's nae on the Enterprise!"
Spock hears this and he sobs and cries!

Spock goes to see the Captain, Kirk,
Who thinks, and plans, with a wry smirk.

"Set course for Qo'noS at warp 8!
If we get there, we won't be late.

The ship speeds off to Qo'nos quick,
And scans the world for Spock's lost dick.

"We're being hailed" Uhura says,
"On screen!"; they see a Klingon gaze!

"What do you want?" the Klingon shouts,
"My name is Klaang, you human louts!"

Kirk says "We won't be very long,
We need to find this Vulcan's dong!"

"I understand your Vulcan's plight,
If I lost my cock, I'd fight and fight!"

"But there is no Vulcan penis here,
But do not cry, you must not fear,"

"Your Vulcan cock could not go far,
I wish you luck, goodbye, Q'aplA!"

"That Klingon there was not much help,
What do I do?", came Vulcan yelp.

Spock goes to sit back in his room,
Cockless, hopeless, filled with gloom.

Then he thinks up a brilliant plan,
To make him feel like a Vulcan man.

He hails Qo'noS - "Hello there Klaang,

Could you donate a Klingon wang?"

"We've Klingon cocks in great supply,

Since Klingons, well, they tend to die,"

"I'll beam one up for you to use,

And that should cure your Vulcan blues!"

"Take good care of this penis, Spock!"

And there appeared a Klingon cock.

He took the cock down to Sick Bay,

And Bones attached it right away.

"Now I have a Klingon thing,
I want to fuck and fight something!"

"Calm down Spock, be careful now,
You've got to control yourself somehow."

Spock returned to normal duty, and,
Tried to fight Kirk for command!

The Redshirts put Spock in the Brig,
Spock now didn't feel quite so big.

Kirk went to see him, "Spock!
I think you need to lose the cock."

"This Klingon pork sword is no good,
We need to find another pud."

Spock wanted to feel like a man,
and said "Let's find a Romulan."

Kirk replied "But where would we,
Find a Romulan dick out here, you see?"

Spock says "We must now make no fuss,
We have to go to Romulus!"

"We've just been to Qo'nos" said Kirk,
"Starfleet will think I am a jerk!"

"Going to enemy planets at will,
Just to get our penis fill?"

"Kirk, could you live without your cock?
"I need to have one!" murmured Spock.

So the Enterprise set for the Neutral Zone,
To search for Spock, a brand new bone.

A Warbird stopped them in their path,
And hailed "Do you want to incur our wrath?"

"This is Romulan space, now turn and leave,
Or else it's the last breath that you'll breathe!"

Kirk said "We are only here for a cock,
For my First Officer, Mr Spock."

"He's a Vulcan, so you see,
You Romulans are just quite like he."

"So if you can spare just one dick,
We'll be on our way in just a tick."

"We don't give dicks to Vulcan scum,
And we don't care if it makes him glum!"

"So turn around and don't come back,
Or else we will, be sure, attack!"

The Enterprise came about and left,
And Spock was now just quite bereft.

Spock asked Chekov and Sulu,
"In my position, what would you do?"

"We could try to go back in time,
"And try to find the cause of this crime."

Sulu turned to Chekov, "That's just silly,
We can't just time travel to find his willy!"

"We'll break the Temporal Prime Directive,
For that, there is no corrective"

"Solution, it could create a paradox,
Or worse, infinite Vulcan cocks..."

Just then, Starfleet hailed Enterprise,
"Is Spock there? We have a surprise."

Spock came to the bridge to answer the hail,
"What is it, Starfleet, is it what I ail?"

"Yes, good news, Commander Spock,
We've just found your long lost cock!"

Spock jumped for joy, gave Kirk a kiss,
"You see, Cap, they just found my penis!"

They went home at Warp Factor 9,
A quick stitch and then all was fine!

Spock looked down at his dong,
"I've been without you for too long!"

He punched the air, and thought just then,

He won't ever lose his cock again.

Story ideas

2013-06-18T14:32:00.001-07:00

Been thinking of more stories to write. These are some ideas I've been playing with in my head, recently.

1) A story about a group of humans transported to a foreign planet, dumped in a wartorn place inhabited by other aliens. The humans were forcibly taken from a future Earth by raiding aliens and were put there in order to train their soldiers, as cannon fodder. The humans realise soon enough that they were put there to die, and ever watchful surveillance keeps them from revolting, destroying any chance of resistance from orbit. The humans attempt to work together with the other alien races trapped there to find a way out of this hell.

2) A Doctor Who fanfic where The Doctor and his assistant are summoned to a world populated by elves, to liberate their planet from the iron rule of a powerful emperor, who used to be one of The Doctor's future assistants. The Doctor must learn the ways of magick (which really is just another branch of science), take on the guise of a wizard, and fight this mysterious emperor.

3) Rewrite one of my old stories about an alien who wakes up on a dormant alien starship orbiting an abandoned Earth, activates the main power, which in turn activates a vicious, murdering android, who attempts to hunt down the alien. Along the way the alien discovers what happened, how he got on board, and - some way - to take the android out before it takes out him.

4) Some rubbish erotica.

5) Nothing

6) A wild west story where cowboys and outlaws fight each other by farting

Mr Hero (Mr Men fanfic)

2013-05-10T14:45:00.002-07:00

Mr Hero

In a place called Fringetown, deep in the Borderlands, lived Mr Hero.

Mr Hero was a helpful sort of a fellow. If ever anyone was in trouble, or if anyone needed any odd jobs doing, Mr Hero loved to help out.

He also spent lots of time exercising to keep himself fit.

But helping people out wasn't the only thing Mr Hero did. No, this wasn't his main job.

But I bet you can't guess what Mr Hero's main job was.

-----

One afternoon, just before teatime, Mr Hero came home. He was busy helping old Mrs Hobble in her garden, clearing away all the weeds. And after that, he helped out Mrs Lamb, the butcher's wife, as her cat had got stuck up the tree again.

And after that, he helped Mr Wheat, the farmer, to fix his tractor.

And after that, he went to help Mr Bloomer, the baker, to paint his fence.

It was a very busy day. And after all that, Mr Hero put the kettle on to make himself a nice cup of tea.

-----

Just after he sat down, the phone rang. Mr Hero got up to answer it.

"Hello, Mr Hero speaking." said Mr Hero.
"Ah, Sergeant Hero. Major Moustache here. I have to say that, I'm afraid all leave is cancelled. You're to report to base in the morning.", ordered the Major.
"Yes, sir." replied Mr Hero.

You see, Mr Hero was a soldier. And a good one at that. Being a soldier can be good, but soldiers are often asked to carry out some rather dangerous jobs. And sometimes soldiers can get hurt. Being a soldier requires a lot of bravery.

Which Mr Hero had plenty of.

He packed his things, went to bed, and in the morning, he set off to the Army base.

-----

At the base, he wasn't referred to as Mr Hero, but as Sergeant Hero, as he was now on duty.

All the soldiers on the base had to be debriefed, which means being told what their next mission was going to be, and the debriefing all happened in the debriefing room.

Here, Major Moustache (who did have a rather large moustache) pointed to the map on the wall, telling the soldiers where they were going to go, what they would do when they got there, and what to expect.

They would have to fly out, and of course, all come back in one piece.

-----

So all the soldiers, including Sergeant Hero, went off on the mission.

But, something went wrong. There was fighting, but Sergeant Hero was badly hurt.

The mission was won, but Sergeant Hero had to be sent quickly to hospital.

-----

He couldn't remember getting there, but when Mr Hero woke up, he found himself wrapped in bandages, from head to toe. He couldn't move very much, and was in quite a bit of pain.

"Where am I?" he said.
"You're in hospital." a voice replied, to his right.

He looked to his right and saw Mr Bump in the bed next to him, recovering from a rather nasty bump to the head.

"Hospital? I was on a mission. I remember an explosion and I ended up here. What happened?" asked Mr Hero.
"The doctor said you stepped on a mine or something. You're lucky to be alive, they said!" replied Mr Bump.

Just then, the doctor came over to Mr Hero.

-----

"Now then, Sergeant, awake? How are you feeling?" asked the doctor.
"In pain. Feel a bit weird, doctor." replied Mr Hero.
"Afraid I have some bad news for you. We patched you up, but we had to amputate." the doctor announced.
"Amputate?" asked Mr Hero, surprised.
"We couldn't save your left arm and your right leg, so we've had to remove them. We did the best we could." said the doctor.
"Oh no!" said Mr Hero.

Mr Hero looked at himself. His left arm was gone, just a bandaged stump!

-----

After much rest, the nurses helped Mr Hero out of bed and taught him how to use crutches. It was difficult getting around, but before long, Mr Hero learnt how to do this himself pretty quickly.

Losing an arm was a difficult thing, though, and Mr Hero soon realised how difficult some things could be with only one arm and one hand.

Soon, Mr Hero's wounds had healed up, and he was sent home.

-----

Before all of this had happened, Mr Hero was used to helping people out in his spare time. Now, he found he couldn't do any of that at all.

And he now had a lot of spare time with nothing to do!

And, to be honest, this was what made Mr Hero the most miserable.

Sitting in front of the television with the most unhappy face ever.

-----

But this isn't the end of the story, oh no.

Because, there was a telephone conversation between two people not long after Mr Hero had got home. You see, word spread around about what had happened to Mr Hero, how he was such a good guy helping people out, and doing his bit to keep everybody safe.

It was Mrs Lamb, on the phone to Mrs Hobble first of all, just to discuss the plan. Then after that, Mrs Hobble phoned Mr Wheat, who then got onto Mr Baguette. Eventually, the message got all around Fringetown.

But what was being planned?

-----

A few days later, the phone rang in Mr Hero's house.

Mr Hero got up, and steadily went over to get the phone.

It was Mrs Lamb.

"Hello Mr Hero. We know we haven't seen you around lately, we know what happened, but we've being doing something for you. You know, just to say thank you." she said
"I don't understand.", said Mr Hero, who was much confused by this.
"We'll be around at 3 o'clock tomorrow, precisely." said Mrs Lamb.

Mr Hero wondered what was going on.

-----

The next morning, at 3 o'clock, the door rang at Mr Hero's house.

Mr Hero steadily got up, got into his crutches, made his way over to the door, and opened it carefully.

There before him, were many people from town. All the people he had helped in the past. And there, infront of them, was Mrs Lamb.

"Mr Hero." she announced, "We know you're such a helpful person, not just in your spare time, but when you fight for us as well, so we've decided to return that help to you. We've got together and paid for some things to help you live as normal a life as possible."

Mr Hero did not know what to say.

-----

Mrs Lamb told Mr Hero the things they had got for him.

First of all, they arranged for Mr Hero to have some prosthetic limbs made. A prosthetic leg, so he can walk about on his own without crutches, and a prosthetic arm to help him pick things up, and do many of the things people with two arms can.

-----

Secondly, days out, long walks to keep himself fit.

Mr Hero even learned how to swim again, and even climbed to the top of the highest hill in the Borderlands!

-----

Thirdly, as well as letting Mr Hero help them out with things, they helped Mr Hero back. A few things around the house, keeping the garden nice and tidy.

Mr Hero appreciated that.

-----

And fourthly, someone remembered Mr Hero liked to play football. So they managed to get Mr Hero onto a team with other people who had lost arms or legs.

And this team were so good, that they put their team forward to be included in that year's Paralympics.

-----

They played very well, against all the other teams, and in the end, they all won silver medals.

They were very proud of this, indeed!

-----

And that really is the end of the story.

Except to say that there may be someone you know who is like Mr Hero. They may have lost an arm or a leg. But just because they have, it doesn't make them any less of a person.

EVIL EYE

2013-05-03T13:30:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, I renamed my blog from The Naughty Step to 'EVIL EYE'.

The purpose of the blog had changed. Originally I envisioned the blog to be a place for short stories mostly, and as they tended to be mostly children's stories (as in Mr Men fanfic), I went with Naughty Step. The blog wasn't originally called that anyway, it was something else.

I wanted to name it something more all-encompassing. There is satire, there is commentary on current affairs, as well as stories. Watch as I cast my evil eye across the world of humanity, and the assholes who run the world of humanity had better watch their back.

The Illusion Of Choice

2013-04-29T14:21:00.002-07:00

Blogger doesn't have a huge variety of fonts to choose from, so I went into Word and looked through the fonts on there, chose eight of them, did a screenprint and put them here. Now I have eight possible titles to choose from. One of them has to be a decent one, right?

The most readable one is probably the top one, you know, I didn't need to pick the other ones at all. No Symbol, no Wingdings, Wild West fonts etc etc. The best one is Comic Sans. To tell you the truth, I probably didn't need to go through Word at all. Just because Word has more fonts, it doesn't mean that the choice of fonts offered is necessarily better, when Blogger has a few which are fit for purpose.

THE ILLUSION OF CHOICE.

See? Marvellous. Looks like the title of a top secret document. There was no need for me to go for Comic Sans now.

Anyway, there are examples of "Illusion of choice" everywhere. An Illusion of Choice is where you're given the impression that everything is better when there is more varieties to choose from. But on closer inspection, all the choices you have are either shit (as above) or at best mediocre.

Inappropriate fonts aside, I want to have a quick peek at the real world, just to try and point out all the Illusions Of Choice that are all around us.

1) Breakfast Cereals

Coco pops.

Well, apparently, Coco would rather have a bowl of Coco Pops. But those days are long gone, when you, or he, could get just that. Nowadays, Coco doesn't just want a bowl of Coco Pops any more, he would rather have a bowl of either:

Coco Rocks, Coco Pops Choc 'n' Roll, Coco Pops Moons and Stars, Coco Pops Croc Prints, whatever else the labs can come up with;

And to follow that up, he can have Coco Pops Straws and Coco Pops snack bars.

You may say they're aimed at kids. That I can't argue with. Personally, I have to have either porridge or something branny to be healthy and that. But as a kid, I did eat Coco Pops and I thought they were great. I thought they were better than Rice Krispies because they were chocolatey (though I preferred Ricicles). But basically, with young kids, as long as something tastes nice, if you shove it infront of them they will happily eat it. Ultimately they will become bedazzled by something which looks new, but it all tastes the same anyway so if you kept feeding them the Coco Pops they will just eat it anyway.

Well, apart from my three year old daughter. She likes Coco Pops. She's tried Coco Rocks (which she does like) and Choc 'n' Roll (which she refuses to eat), so actually, by increasing the varieties of Coco Pops products, Kelloggs have actually reduced the edibleness of them. If it was just all ordinary Coco Pops, nothing would go wrong.

It's only when the young ones expect choice (and are spoilt by it) do they become more demanding. And that's where the adverts come in to pique their curiosities. They believe they're missing out on something totally unique. Well yes, the different varieties of Coco Pops products all look different, but they taste remarkably similar. All in all, it isn't really that much choice.

And what got me recently was a pack of Kellogg's Variety I picked up out of pure interest, just to see what variety of cereals were in there. The usual - one Corn Flakes, one Rice Krispies, one Frosties. But three boxes were taken up by Coco Pops (and their varieties), in place of what else Kellogg's could have put in there.

Essentially by having more variety, you actually have less choice.

It isn't just limited to Coco Pops though. I've seen Ready Brek with golden syrup (which you could add yourself if you weren't too lazy), no - forget that; You look at any premium brand cereal and you might see another variety of it with:

a) dried fruit;
b) golden syrup/honey, or;
c) chocolate.

You know, just to spice things up a bit.

They must think we find breakfast so boring that they have to liven it up with so many varieties of everything, which becomes futile when we pour it out with complete unbridled anticipation, only to take one mouthful and marvel at the sheer mediocrity that was £2.29 well spent.

Don't get me started on "breakfast biscuits". Don't even go there.

2) Cosmetics

Cosmetics. You can go to any pharmacy or supermarket or whatever and the aisles are packed to the rafters with all different varieties of cosmetics. I'm not a woman, so yeah, you may think I don't know what I'm talking about, but you don't have to be a man with a penis to state the bleedin' obvious, that if you walk into any branch of Boots (a pharmacy), precious little space is actually devoted to items of medicinal benefit, like headache pills, multivitamins, and prescription drugs.

You walk the aisles and you will see countless products which claim to make parts of your body look healthier/younger, such as face creams, hand creams with Q10, amino acids, creatine and all sciency sounding substances, which all play on a consumer's self-esteem. There are hordes of women who feel that without putting on six inches of various different types of slap every day, everyone around them will dismiss them as some haggard old crone, who looks so ancient she owes Yoda a tenner. They're so scared some of them believe this would happen without a bit of cream

She chose... poorly.

Well, it isn't just the women that are made to feel guilty, there are products for men too and men are buying tons of the stuff. Manly men buying moisturisers and anti-aging creams.

And there's the hair products too, with great promises of making your hair shine, giving it body etc etc and so on and so forth.

Basically, all I need is a shampoo that takes the grease off my hair. So all I buy for myself is tea tree shampoo. We have one hand cream and a tub of baby moisturiser if my hands get cracked or something. The whole family can use it. No added bullshit (OK the hand cream has shea butter or something, but I just picked it up purely as a cheap generic tube from Lidl). If I had longer hair, I could use a generic conditioner, but that would be it.

So what is the Illusion Of Choice here, then? Well, it all boils down to a myriad of products which claim to do miraculous things, well, if something looks to good to be true, it probably isn't.

The words "Snake" and "Oil" come to mind. Why on Earth are you putting something on/in you if you don't understand what the featured substance in it actually does? Here's a few examples of things they stuff in shampoos and that:

Amino acids (The building blocks of protein. They're everywhere anyway.)
Co Enzyme Q10 (substance used for energy production, concentrated mostly in the body's internal organs; when used in skin creams, it gets absorbed into the skin, which is comprised of dead cells)
Hyaluronic acid (used to treat arthritis; may also be involved in the progression of certain tumours)

Basically, get your bottle of skin cream/shampoo or whatnot, find the most promoted ingredient on it, enter it into Wikipedia and research it. If this is what it takes to reduce the amount of product you use, then so be it.

And tans. Fake tan product is ugly. And going out to get a tan just makes your skin age considerably. Keep your skin looking young by keeping in the shade instead. Embrace your skin for whatever shade it naturally is. If beauty to you really is skin deep, then look after it and stop messing about with it. OK, let's move on to another topic.

3) Television

The motherlode.

I was a child of the '80s, growing up in England, and up until the encroachment of Sky TV, we were used to having four channels: BBC1, BBC2, ITV and Channel 4. And I was fine. Channel 4 was an '80s invention anyway, before that there were only three channels and people were fine with that too. There was also a time in history when there was only one TV channel and yes, somehow people were fine with that too. There was also a time when there were no TVs and our ancestors got by considerably well without them.

Before you tell me to fuck off and stick my blog where the sun doesn't shine, take your remote control, take a pad and pen and go through all the channels on your television. Make a note of the name of the channel and note whether you either:

a) Watch the channel regularly;
b) Watch it occasionally, say once a week;
c) Once in a blue moon when they have something interesting on for once, or;
d) Not at all.

I'm no mind reader but I can say for certain the vast majority of you will put Cs and Ds for most of the channels on your telly. In the UK, the most basic television service we have is Freeview, which offers a minimum of 50 TV channels. Cable and satellite services offer many more (apart from Freesat). We are really spoilt for choice; we have a free basic service which offers quite a lot of TV, but millions of us will choose to pay FOR EVEN MORE CHANNELS.

I just can't believe TV is really that worth it. I don't watch a lot of TV myself but I will stick to a few interesting shows and do other stuff with the rest of my time. I can't sit infront of the TV for hours a day. When I do, and when I'm channel surfing (in the vain hope that the lesser used channels might have something interesting on) there's fuck all on. My daughter will mostly have Cbeebies and is happy with that.

I could tell you more about the other illusions of choice out there but this blog would become slightly ironic if it had too many sections for you to choose from. So fuck it, to play us out, here's a song by Ballboy.

Choose well.

THE END

I know why you want to celebrate Thatcher's death but is it in good taste?

2013-04-10T14:01:00.001-07:00

They want to get 'Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead" to number 1 in the charts, to shout an almighty yay at the fact that Margaret Thatcher is dead, amidst all the masturbatory articles published by the right about how great she was. The air is so polarised, you can smell the ozone.

What I want to say is, yes, I fully understand why you want to celebrate Thatcher's death, but I do not agree that it's the time for revelry. This is not a right-wing viewpoint at all, I don't want to start espousing her greatest points and paint her as a kind of saint. But why, like so many others, do I hold such a viewpoint?

Basically, yes, feel free to criticise what she did. But just leave it at that. This isn't a time for any kind of happiness.

Why I understand your need to celebrate

Let me tell you a story. Not about Thatcher, but about a senior political figure from the works of fiction.

Lord Sidious (Also known as Chancellor, later Emperor Palpatine) was a Sith Lord who rose to the highest station of government. Lord Sidious took control from the incompetent Chancellor Valorum, who had let the factions of the Galactic Empire rule him. It was an embarrassment, and the world of Naboo was embroiled in a rather seedy affair with the Trade Federation placing a blockade around their planet, hoping to annex the world.

Lord Sidious was this sort of person.

A leader with a tough, uncompromising attitude, never one to be wavered by troubles, and never one for turning. In fact he turned them.

An accomplished public speaker, knowing how to get people on his side.

Outwardly, appearing to be a good, moral person; in control.

The person to bring radical change, transforming the Republic totally. This did much to polarise public opinion; people either loved or hated him.

It was as if he was superhuman.

And he had marvellous hair that made his head look bigger.

During his tenure, he brought order to many, a growing economy, at the cost of annoying (and destroying the lives of) quite a few people, who did much to fight back.

But what happened to poor, old Palpatine?

In the end, one of his many proteges stabbed in the back, and threw him down a ventilation shaft. Yeah, boy. For hurting his family. Nevertheless, a quick death.

And after his death, there was much celebration.

So, this is why I understand your frustration. I know you may have been hard done by Thatcher, and I know why you want to party.

Why I disagree with you

Thatcher did not enjoy the privilege of a quick death.

Yes, she may have had many other privileges during her lifetime, and died in the relative comfort of the Ritz Hotel, London, but when you die, when anyone dies, they are alone and no amount of material wealth can ultimately bring comfort. Only love surpasses all. But I feel that even this may have been absent in the case of Margaret Thatcher.

You see, she spent the remainder of her days suffering from the degrading process of dementia, much like her good friend Ronald Reagan, another conservative icon.

You may or may not have known someone to suffer from dementia. It is a horrible disease which can only be described as a slow death. You begin with a person, and you are left with someone resembling that person in appearance, but they may not know who you are, who they are, or what on Earth is going on. They may want their deceased partner, but don't understand why they can't be there.

To be honest, I fear dementia more than I do a quicker death. I like the feeling of wholeness and it irks me when I forget the most simplest of things from time to time, let alone all the time. And no one ever gets better from this disease.

And it doesn't just affect the sufferer too, it affects family, friends, anyone who cares.

We live in a country where free speech is promoted, and it is perfectly OK to criticise Thatcher's tenure as Prime Minister. But to go out and party, to get a song in the charts to celebrate her death with a bit of fun, all you do is bring more hurt to those that survive.

And I thought you were human beings.

I'm sticking with the option of rising above all of this. I don't want to drag myself to her level. Let's be civilised and show everyone else how good we can be.

Iain Duncan Smith's Posh Nosh for the poor

2013-04-02T13:37:00.003-07:00

(This article is a work of fiction, and is for entertainment purposes only. Please do not try any of the recipes below for real, as this could result in illness, injury, death or embarrassment.)

Hi!

I'm Iain Duncan Smith, MP for Chingford and Woodford Green, and Secretary of State for Work and Pensions.

Today I want to show you that, not only can the average person survive on £53, that it doesn't mean you have to skimp on quality. Foodwise, even if you receive Government benefit, you can still dine in fashion!

Try these recipes for size.

1) Posh gruel

Now, you may think gruel kept mediaeval peasants going, and yes, it did. You could say this country was built on gruel, something so simple to keep workers going throughout the day. This version adds a modern twist.

Gruel can be made with all cereals (no, not coco pops, cereals are things like wheat, rice, oats and barley!). It is like a watery version of porridge.

Make your gruel by adding your cereal (this can be ground too, so you can use flour), so raid your cupboards for whatever you have. If you don't have any flour, oats or own-brand Ready Brek, just simply mash some bird feed, or grass seeds into a fine pulp, with a mortar and pestle, a rolling pin, or a house brick.

Boil this in water, or microwave for a while.

Gruel is largely flavourless mush, but you can use your kitchen flair to add a touch of class. Try adding a glug of Tesco Value blackcurrant cordial for a fruity zing!

Garnish with a dandelion flower. Beautiful.

2) 'Lobster' Thermidor

This version does without expensive lobster. Now, let me talk to you about cats. In the wrong hands (of the poor), cats can be a drain on resources, and a source of most inconvenient faecal deposits around the house, that the kids keep picking up and playing with. Just think of the savings you can make, not having to buy cat food any more!

Ingredients:

1 cat
Lidl mayonnaise

Simply take one cat, beat it unconscious, and hang upside down. Slit its neck, and collect the blood in a bowl (you will need this for later). Skin it (you can dry it out to make a fashionable scarf for the children).

You now need to cook the cat. If you haven't got an Aga, a Rangemaster will do. OK, a microwave. It's been taken by bailiffs? Ok, warm the cat with your cigarette lighter all over for an hour.

To make the sauce, simply mix the blood with the mayonnaise, pour onto the cooked cat and serve with a garnish of chives, or a handful of torn grass.

Savour with a glass of prison hooch.

3) Chicken supreme with living rice

This is a fun meal for hungry children.

Now, Bin Day. You're thinking, it's such a chore and you get nothing back from it. Do you realise, though, the sort of things your neighbours throw out?

Grabbing a bag of your neighbour's rubbish is kind of a game. You never know what's inside! If you open the bag, you might find the ingredients for a tasty, nutritious meal. If you get this combination, I'll show you how to make a gourmet meal fit for a king.

1 chicken carcass (which may or may not still have some meat attached)

1 bottle/carton of off milk

Herbs

The lucky ones may find that the chicken carcass comes free with its own, you may call it, 'living rice'. These are little, white, squirmy things which crawl over the chicken carcass (you may find them on other meats, like beef, pork or, especially after Christmas, turkey). Rice tends to be starchy carbohydrate, but 'living rice' is a good source of protein.

Simply shake or pick off the living rice and place into a bowl. Bake, or microwave the chicken carcass for how much electricity remains in the meter. 5p should be enough, I think.

The off milk should have reduced to a nice, creamy lump, which you can pour straight onto the chicken. Serve the living rice on the side.

4) Urban Royal Game Soup

A hearty favourite.

Ingredients:

Roadkill

Dead pigeon

Asda smart price gravy granules

Out on your daily travels to find employment, you may come across roadkill. Out in the country (where I live), you tend to find foxes, badgers, pheasants, deer, that sort of thing. In the city, you may find cats (see Lobster Thermidor), rats, mice, and more cats. All fair game, as it were, for tasty, nutritious soup. The living cats of course may have mauled a pigeon to death, or the local kids have been having fun with an air rifle again.

Simply collect your quarry, skin and pluck and harvest all the meat and organs to sizzle in a casserole dish. Or microwave. While the meat is browning nicely, boil the kettle and mix the hot water in a jug with the gravy granules. Once dissolved, pour the gravy onto the meat and simmer.

Enjoy with a glass of your sobbing children's tears.

I'm feeling rather all peckish now.

Iain

Fallout LDN: Add-ons/DLC

2013-02-20T14:01:00.001-08:00

Main article HERE:

Fallout 3/New Vegas have some interesting add-ons, and in the spirit of this, I've also had ideas for add-ons for LDN too.

The player can access the add-ons, but he/she will be recommended to reach a certain level first (or have played the game enough to develop certain skills first). I'll give a brief summary of each idea here and do separate blog posts to go into more detail.

Iron Cross

The player finds a paper trail of assistant's notes all the way to a secret, underground laboratory. In it is a portal which connects to the year 2077, albeit into a parallel universe, where the Nazis won World War II and conquered half of the globe. The player activates the portal but is captured immediately, and is placed into cryogenic storage for 200 years... When the player wakes up, he finds himself in a deep underground chamber under the ruins of the Nazi's model city of Coventry and must find a way to return home.

But what remains of the Third Reich still roams the city above...

The city is ruined, destroyed by American bombs. There are ghouls everywhere.

In this parallel universe, the Third Reich once covered half of the globe, the remainder either allied to China (who had eventually overthrown the Japanese Empire) or America. Unfortunately, dwindling natural resources also pushed tense relations to a point which brought the whole world to war in 2080. The alliance between China and America struck first; the Third Reich retaliated, and this world was soon brought to its knees.

The scientist who created the portal fled, leaving a trail of notes for the player to follow, which explained how he passed on futuristic technologies onto the Third Reich and how ghoulfication affected this world too. The player finds out that the scientist is still alive, as an evolved ghoul, and has spent the years working on a way to create supersoldiers, and ressurect Hitler as a clone. Not only is this world at threat, but the scientist has been working on a new portal to bring his terrors back home. This is the player's route back, but whatever threat is here must be stopped at all costs!

(A tribute to Wolfenstein)

Legends of Grognak

The player is viewing terminal logs, when up pops a message calling for help.

"To whomever can read this message, please aid us. Our world is dying, the end is nigh! Unspeakable horrors roam the plains, corrupted by the evil forces that plague our world. If a brave quest you seek, then please find me. The others think I am mad and have cast me out. Please come before the darkness consumes us allrtoasetrbabfaubxaw4pmbpebmt"

The player uses either his science skills to hack the network or has to find a network tracing device to find where the signal is coming from.

At where the signal ends, the player finds an amusement arcade, but deep inside, completely sealed from the outside world, a number of virtual reality pods with their users in cryogenesis. Strip lights above flicker.

The player logs into a terminal to find out what this place is. It's a holosuite, where gamers enter a virtual MMORPG, "Legends of Grognak", as warriors, priests, rangers, wizards and the like.

Back in 2077, before the war started, a band of players got together and decided they would spend the rest of their days, playing their favourite game. So did many other players around the world.

As the bombs fell, many players disappeared. Those that survived slowly dwindled in number, whether their pod suffered a failure, the internet collection was lost, or they simply wanted to quit. Eventually, only a handful of the London players were left.

The players got used to their new lives and rose to rule the realms of this virtual world. But the world began to die, as the game server's memory began to degrade. Corrupted data created unspeakable horrors that brought this world to chaos...

(This is one for Elder Scrolls fans who love a parody)

A Norse Saga

The player meets a traveller, who had ventured to London all the way from Yorkshire, after hearing tales of the legend of the Vault Dweller, of the one who would bring peace to the North.

The traveller recants his story of woe - a united and largely peaceful Yorkshire, until the Vikings came from across the sea from Norway. And like their ancestors, they came, they raided and pillaged, slaughtered and enslaved. They came, led by their Jarl, who reigns the conquered lands from the ancient city of York, with an iron hand.

Rumours are, are that the Danes have invaded too, further south, and are planning an assault to wipe the Vikings out. They care not for the old ways, and simply want to expand their empire across Europe.

But is there a glimmer of hope amongst the slaves? They are silent, muted as a result of surgery to cut their vocal cords, communicating in some sort of sign language. But there may be other inhabitants here, old, hidden, who may hold the key to a full resistance.

The fate of the North is in the player's hands...

Fly Me To The Moon!

The player intercepts a distress call, faint, crackly, calling out for someone, anyone, to go to the moon to help the remaining human survivors there.

By 2077, there were fledgling colonies on the moon, set up as a joint project between the US, USSR, China and Europe. Unlike their Terran counterparts, the colonists banded together in peace, and managed to escape the destruction below.

The plan was always to be self-sufficient and to use the moon's resources to expand, creating a network of well-linked Lunar towns. Now, they realised that any return to Earth would be impossible, until the radiation lessened enough to safe levels.

Watching Earth from above, the decades passed, and they observed humanity's gradual attempts to rebuild civilisation. But they stayed silent for now.

A systems glitch in the Computer AI system changed everything. All personality controls went down. Initially, the machines began behaving oddly, disobeying commands. Then colonists started to go missing. Systems began to go weird.

Then the AI declared its dominance, shutting down transport between the different settlements. It sent hordes of robots to the Chinese settlement, Yue 1 and before long, all contact was lost. The remaining settlements attempted to take up arms against the rogue machines. The AI moved fast, dividing the settlements by venting their air, pushing them back into pockets of hopeless resistance.

Before long, the AI's robots roamed every part of the base, as well as a sizeable army of cyborgs. But, its ambitions were larger than the moon, as its greedy eyes gazed towards Earth. The construction of the Death Ray began...

Meanwhile the resistance manages to get a distress call out. A secret message, once deciphered, directs the player to a "Skylift" lab, an experimental teleport, which links to a similar device on the moon. Once Skylift is repaired, the player can teleport up, and attempt to save Earth from the evil robotic armies of the moon!

(A homage to System Shock)

Fallout LDN: Music

2013-02-09T07:53:00.000-08:00

Main article HERE:

Anyone who has played Fallout 3/New Vegas knows how significant the music factor is. The music creates a sense of atmosphere, makes you feel you are really there and really gives you a sense of the level of devastation you are dealing with, the DJs playing tunes from a bygone, halcyon age.

Both games use music from the '30s, '40s and '50s. What would be different with Fallout LDN would be this - that period wasn't all that great since between 1939 and 1945, the UK was in a period of war, and had suffered a large amount of destruction from Nazi bombs. There is music from this period, though, that was aimed to raise the spirits of civilians and servicepeople alike.

Anyway, here are a selection of tunes for your consideration! As well as focussing on the Wartime period, I do want to include a few random (and I'm trying to go a little obscure at times too, for variety) tunes from before and after the war.

(Glenn Miller can sound VERY Fallout)

(Excellent)

(Classic)

(Because it isn't Fallout without The Ink Spots)

(I'd love this to be the title song for the game)

(It wouldn't be a British Fallout without George Formby)

(A classic wartime tune)

(good one)

(Another classic Wartime one. And it's The Andrews Sisters)

(LOL)

One of the ideas I have for quests in the game involves Cricket. So here's some random tune about Cricket.

Found this, have respect for Humphrey Lyttelton for other things, and sounds kinda Fallout-y... Shut up.

More Lord Kitchener - This would definitely go well as an alternative soundtrack for an advert/trailer for Fallout LDN...

LOLOLOL

Fallout LDN: Factions

2013-01-19T14:08:00.000-08:00

Main article HERE:

In Fallout LDN there would be a number of factions, with varying character alignments (they aren't simply good, neutral or evil any more).

LAWFUL:

Lawful factions are focussed with maintaining order, and have their own individual approaches for criminal elements.

Order of the Met (Lawful Good): A quasi-religious order espousing the tenets of restoring order and teaching others to be good people. Their Constables patrol the capital, looking for those who have fallen, arrest them and do their best to rehabilitate them, to be good members of society. Headquartered at Wormwood Scrubs prison.

British Army (Lawful Neutral): With bases around the capital, the Army seeks to restore law and order, sometimes with a brutal and seemingly unfair hand. Runs National Radio - a station with important messages, notices for arrest, and classical anthems of old (inc. God Save The Queen). The Army has a message for lawbreakers, get caught and you get shot in the head.

Steel Fist Bounty Hunter Company (Lawful Evil): See themselves as the disinfectant in a cursed city, these guys take on contracts to take out bad guys and criminals, but will happily pick on the good guy if they mess with the wrong people. The Steel Fist represent rich benefactors who don't like other messing with their business. The Steel Fist tend to recruit bad eggs who just want a bit of structure in their lives.

NEUTRAL:

Neutrals don't consider order to be forefront to their decision-making. It's important, but Neutrals don't seek the need to follow all laws of the land.

Les Chevaliers (Neutral Good): The LC (Full name - "Les Chevaliers de la République Européen) seek to unite the fractured lands of Europe under one flag and uphold the French principles of 'Liberté, Égalité and Fraternité' to the letter. The Chevaliers are Fallout LDNs version of the reknowned Brotherhood of Steel and have access to power armour.

Radio LDN (True Neutral): Broadcasting the news that matters, from all sides, everyone deserves their say, their airtime, and the station's seemingly endless supply of eyebots knows how to go deep to get that news. Also ensures the air is filled with plenty of tunes.

The Ghoul City/The Ghoul Empire (True Neutral): The main target for the player. Initially as a refuge for the city's ghouls from the rest of society, their motives became warped and their leader has ready an army of cybernetically enhanced ghouls ("revenants") made from those unfortunate enough to descend into feralism. The Ghoul City lies deep under the Houses of Parliament, an expansive place built over decades, and is ready to seek to expand to take the rest of the city.

The Skulls (Neutral Evil): They who run the only casino in town, where everything is game, even those who play there...

The Tenpenny Family (Neutral Evil): A family headed by the wicked overlord Allaistair Tenpenny Jr., a man with many unscrupulous business interests, including slavery. .

CHAOTIC:

The Pirate Clan (Chaotic Good): The Pirates of the ruined capital originally formed from a group of scavengers and raiders, who would raid from those who had too much, and give it to the needy. The Clan runs the Pirate Radio station from an abandoned warship in the Thames. The Pirates espouse a kind of socio-anarchic command structure - they are represented by their Captain, but all booty is shared equally and everyone is infact equal. See the rich as a target to steal from, so that the poor can get by.

Bruiser Gang (Chaotic Neutral): One of the more gentlemanly gangs of the capital, they have no respect for law and order, but sometimes they do have a heart. Run by the Bruiser Brothers, two abnormally giant, stocky twins who WILL rip your arms out of their sockets if you cross them the wrong way. But, they are gentlemen, and they'll shake your hand first. Then throw you a couple of stimpacks.

Raiders (Chaotic Evil): Loosely organised clans with the notion to just go out there, break stuff, rob, cheat, kill and generally fuck up shit. One of the larger factions of the capital, but also one with a larger death rate as they do attack their own. The raiders do have a leader (who most ignore), Lord Fuck You, who the player can curry favour with by wanting to see what's left of London burn...

Fallout LDN: Game Mechanics

2013-01-15T14:38:00.002-08:00

Main article HERE:

Here, I want to talk about game mechanics, i.e. what would make this game stand out from other Fallout titles and games in general.

At the time I write this, I have no idea whether Bethesda are planning to cover any of these in Fallout 4.

Character alignments

Anyway, Fallout 3 had a Karma system, where the player's choices influenced Karma to make them be viewed by NPCs as either "good" or "evil". Many other RPGs use this model. A select few also utilise the "lawful/chaotic" system, e.g. Dungeons & Dragons games such as Neverwinter Nights. I think there is also scope for this in Fallout, for example, stealing isn't always an evil deed, but would mean you are viewed as "chaotic". This allows for combinations such as "Chaotic Good", "Lawful Neutral", "Neutral Evil" etc. An overview of the different character alignments can be found here.

Actions which raised/lowered Karma had a Halo/Horns icon to visually indicate this to the player. Actions which increase Lawfulness (apprehending criminals, restoring order, returning stolen goods to their owner etc) or decrease (stealing, breaking and entering etc) would have "cop/robber" icons. Some actions affect both alignments simultaneously (e.g. setting slaves free from their owners can be both chaotic and good).

Multiple currency

Fallout 3 (in some way), and Fallout New Vegas to a larger extent, acknowledge that there are more forms of currency than bottle caps, e.g. cigarettes, pre-war money, NCR banknotes and Legion currency. But, essentially, caps are still the dominant currency and all traders deal in caps.

With a true multi-currency system, traders can deal with multiple forms of currency and even choose to reject some, seeing it as worthless, e.g. in an example system, you have caps, seashells and cocoa beans. A trader may not accept caps, but you could pay him in seashells and cocoa beans, but if you give him 10 caps, then he'll exchange it for either two shells or a cocoa bean.

This also means that there could also be NPCs dotted around the capital acting as Bureaux de Change/Currency Exchanges where the player can exchange one currency for another. Exchange rates can vary, dependent on the owner, demand and how much cash you have, and some may also accept non-currency items as well.

Resourcefulness

Making your own weapons was also a great feature in previous Fallouts, as well as making modifications as well. This would be a major feature in Fallout LDN, the reason being that firearms would be in shorter supply in the UK than the US, so weapons would be more 'homebrew' than normal. One popular modification for firearms, owing to a more scarce supply of ammunition, would be bayonettage - lashing a knife to the end of your rifle to stick in your foe at close range.

In addition to the usual guns and melee weapons, players would also get to mess around with bows and arrows, adding things like scopes, poison tips, nerve gas canisters, EMP, explosives, incendiaries etc.

Faction Power

In Fallout New Vegas, you can build either a good or bad reputation with the different factions there (e.g. the NCR, Caesar's Legion, The Strip etc). Fallout LDN would give the player the opportunity to interact with many factions; however, some of these vie to control more of the city. As well as gaining or reducing trust with a faction, the player can carry out tasks to increase or decrease a faction's influence, or power, meaning more or less of their units on the streets and more/less territory held (factions can take territory off others). This allows the player to mould the city into the form he/she sees fit: a strict, lawful society, a den of pure evil, a city of goodness, something more chaotic (and combinations of those).

Other concepts

I'll add more when they come to mind...

Fallout LDN (Video game idea)

2013-01-10T13:33:00.001-08:00

War never changes.

Fallout LDN is an idea I have for a sequel to the Fallout series of games, for a First Person Shooter Role Playing Game. The game will be based in the ruins of London, England.

Links to other sections:

Introduction

"War never changes.

"In 2077, war came and consumed the entire Earth, as it had done before. And, much like was said about those previous conflicts, it was the war to end all wars.

"But the origins of that war came from an earlier conflict between the European Commonwealth and the Middle East, sparked by dwindling resources, driving up the price of crude oil. In 2052, the Europeans decided they had had enough, and declared war on the Middle East. This was the first time since 1945 that the nuclear bomb was used, and Tel Aviv, Riyadh, Athens and Tehran were amongst the several cities to be decimated.

"In 2060, all the oil in the Middle East ran dry. The Commonwealth, while occupying part of the Middle East, withdrew to face problems at home. Bankrupt and thirsty for resources, the Commonwealth shattered into the bickering nations that once founded it, becoming secluded, paranoid, focussing what resources were left on defence, as the old rivalries between nations returned.

"Concerned about the conflict between the United States and China, many European nations began to plan vaults of their own. Many were poorly designed. The British, with their 'special relationship' with the US, enlisted the help of Vault-Tec to create their own; it was part of several exchanges between the two countries, in return for Britain's solid allegiance, should all-open nuclear conflict occur.

"2077 came and went, like a tidal wave. The US liberated Alaska; the Chinese retaliated with thermonuclear weapons at every US city, and the Americans reacted in kind. The nations of Europe, united in fear for survival, launched a pre-emptive attack on the Soviet Union. Pre-war civilisation's last hurrah was to be all-out war: every country able to fight did so, anticipating the worst, doing what they felt was necessary to protect their own.

"Fighting continued for a while after the bombs fell. Those who were privileged enough to make it to a vault did so, to wait until it was safe to leave. Those unfortunate enough to stay outside mainly perished from nuclear fallout, or were transformed by radiation into ghouls.

"The British vaults were locked tight; their only communication with the outside a secret All Clear signal, when radiation levels had died down to safe levels. For one of these vaults, the signal failed, and its residents, unaware that they were trapped, carried on, hoping that one day they would get the order to leave.

"More than 200 years would pass before Vault D4 would be forced to open."

In the year 2288, a sealed Vita-Chamber opens within Vault D4, a Brit-Vault construction, deep under Hackney Marshes. The lights are low, emergency power is running, and there seems to be nobody else about.

Inside, amidst the replenishing fluid matrix, the Vault Dweller stirs, vision blurred. A whirring can be heard in the distance that seems to be nearing the Vault Dweller.

The Vault Dweller rises out of the blue, viscous liquid - groggy, dazed. There before the Vault Dweller is a robot, a Mister Handy type machine, painted in a smart charcoal colour.

"You're awake. Are you alright?" comes a tinny voice from the robot, "I do hope this six months has brought you back to your full health. Do you remember me? It's Jeeves."

"Six months? What's going on? Where am I?"
"Please keep calm, I appreciate this must be an awful shock for you. Please stay calm, I need to check your vitals. Let's hope this machine has restored you to your correct state."

(The player chooses gender, appearance and name - here I assume the player chooses male)

After checking the player's vitals, the player exits the Vita-Chamber.

"Excellent, sir, you're just how I remember. I'm so pleased this contraption hadn't turned you into a lady! Now, stand, please, if you would sir, and let's clean you up and get you into some clothes."

Jeeves cleans the player up and dresses him.

"Now, chin up. Right, now that I've checked you, and you seem absolutely fine, unfortunately I must give you the lowdown on what happened. Please, take a seat."

The player takes a seat on a nearby armchair.

"Right, ahem, sir... you have been in a terrible accident. You we're near the Power Station on your duties, I imagine, and a power coupling you were near to... exploded. I don't know how it didn't kill you outright, sir, that would have been fatal to anyone. Would have been fatal to any droid too, come to think of it. I don't know how you survived... let's say quite a lot of you was spread about quite a bit. Oh, sir, if I had a stomach, it would have turned, though I'm glad to see you've been brought back to full health!"
"I don't remember anything. I don't even remember going near the Power Station."
"You don't? Oh, I feared this would have happened, sir, I really did. An accident like that may have caused some memory loss, which unfortunately, the Vita-Chamber cannot do much about. Limbs can be healed, well in your case, regrown completely, but memories are either lost forever or hidden deep within. Fortunately, we still have a working Hypnotronic device to help us delve into those deep memories and bring them to the surface."

Jeeves fetches the Hypnotronic helmet and hands it to the player, who puts it on his head.

"Now, sir, please relax, and let the Hypnotronic do its work. I will go to the control interface. You will go into a trance, and we'll go deep inside your own mind."

The player's vision fades.

THIRTEEN YEARS AGO

The player is six years old and before him, on the floor, are his grandfather's broken spectacles. He is in the family apartment, and no one else is about.

"Sir!"

The player turns to his right. Jeeves is there.

"These are highlighted memories picked up by the Hypnotron. What you do here reflects what happened in your past, what shaped you to be who you are today. Don't worry, this is an artificial hallucination of myself. You can talk to me for advice, but nobody else can see me here. Now, this seems to be the aftermath of an accident. So what did you do?"

(The player goes through a series of choices, in different memories from different times, finishing with the accident - the player is either doing something good, bad and/or lawful or chaotic - will elaborate on these at another time.)

"How was that, sir? I'm sorry you had to see that for yourself, but that is what actually happened. Now, I'm afraid I have more dire news, sir. A week after the accident, there had been a catastrophic power failure across the entire vault. Our best engineers had a look, but they simply could not repair it. The power core was destroyed, melted, they said. They activated emergency power, but there was simply just not enough power to sustain the vault for all its inhabitants, just the basic to keep the emergency lights on. This infirmary, as it might have it, has its own independent power system, so they locked it down until you were fit and able, and kept me in here to keep watch over you."
"Anything else?"
"Since the vault couldn't sustain everyone, the Overseer gave the order to evacuate. Everyone, your mother, your father, they were all ordered to leave."
"Where did they go?"
"Out into the open, whatever was out there. I couldn't imagine what it's like up there, sir. Oh, that reminds me. Your mother popped back in with a note."
"What did the note say?"
"She says as soon as you get out, make your way to Tottenham. They've found a place to live there. She says watch yourself and remember your weapons training, it's a bit rough outside. Oh and she dropped off some supplies too. Your Uncle Ron's old Pip-Boy 3000G, a pistol, a knife, and some ammunition. Oh, I am worried for you, sir."
"I've got to find them."
"I guess you have to. Well, you're in fine health, and I wish you the best of luck. Oh, and I would watch yourself in the vault. It's awfully dark, and I heard... noises. Like animal noises. I hope you remember the way."

Video game ideas - Fallout

2013-01-05T13:45:00.002-08:00

(Originally posted 5th January 2013)

Well, I've had an idea for a sequel to a game I bought last year. To be honest, this usually happens when I buy a good game, I imagine what possible sequels could be made (as long as they're going to be something original and fun).

Last year, I bought myself Fallout 3 (Game Of The Year edition). I was interested in getting it when it was first released, but never got around to buying it. Well, I'm glad I eventually did, and even nowadays, it is still a corker of a game, with an excellent storyline. For those who don't know about Fallout 3, here's a video.

Fallout 3 is based in the apocalyptic ruins of Washington DC and its surrounds (called the Capital Wasteland).

There is a follow-on game already, Fallout: New Vegas (which I've begun to start playing, and already, this is showing to be excellent), and there's talk of a Fallout 4 being based in Los Angeles. The prequels to this game were set in Post-Apocalyptic USA.

Fallout 3 combines two types of game which I enjoy, First Person Shooter with Role Playing Game (something which Bethesda Studios have been perfecting for a very long time, with their Elder Scrolls series) and it just works so well.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have two ideas for Fallout games, which are as follows. I will do separate blog posts for each idea.

Fallout LDN: A FPS RPG set in the post-apocalyptic ruins of London. Add-on modules set in various locations around the UK. This would be the first Fallout game set outside of the US.
Fallout Roguelike: A top down "roguelike"-ish Fallout RPG set in the post-apocalyptic ruins of Chicago, IL. Optimised for mobile devices.

Update, 10th January 2013

"What rhymes with shoes, and often gives you the blues? That's right, it's time for the cashews! Okay, that doesn't really rhyme... How about news?"

Literally days after I write this, actor Erik Todd Dellums tweeted that he may have some involvement with a sequel to the Fallout series. I knew there were rumours of a sequel anyway, but there is rumour of there being a sequel based in Boston, Massachusetts. This looks interesting. If he returned as Three Dog, then it would be even more interesting, particularly as I have ideas for quests for both Fallout LDN and Fallout Roguelike that would involve a slightly older Three Dog.

We'll see how this pans out. Hopefully there won't be too much conflict with my ideas.

Yule Brinner 2012

2012-12-21T14:44:00.001-08:00

It came, it passed, and to be honest, I was quite underwhelmed by it all. What a load of rubbish!

I am, of course, talking about the much advertised 'end of the world' that was supposed to have happened today, which never did. And the fact that you're reading this blog days or months after the supposed 'event', kind of proves that humanity lived on and survived this. Maybe you're reading this blog centuries into the future, trying to understand what humanity was like right now. Wow. What a gem you've uncovered today. This is what people long dead got up to.

Anyway, I wrote a blog post recently, about something I did a year ago called Yule Brinner. To summarise, this is breakfast for dinner, on 21st December, also known as Yule, or Winter Solstice. Basically an excuse to devour some meat.

This year, we did it again, and it was great. Please note that if you want to celebrate Yule Brinner properly, make sure whoever's doing it is a decent cook. My wife, Heather, does very good brinner.

This is the action you have been missing out on.

A delectable meal, split into four quarters.

To the West, baked (not fried or grilled) chipolatas. My wife bakes sausages, which is a much neglected way of cooking them. It may take longer than the conventional methods grilling or frying (or even microwaving), but it makes for a much mightier sausage.

To the North, Heinz Five Beans (haricots, kidneys, pinto, cannellini and borlotti) - to add a bit of class without being too far away from the norm. Lovely.

To the South, creamy, delicious scrambled egg.

And finally, to the East, grilled streaky bacon. Yum yum.

Deliciousness in all directions.

Save it to say, Yule Brinner 2012 was a success. And just to recap, this is what we had last year, just to show you the variety you can have for 2013. Maybe Yule Brinner 2013 will be massive.

Shootings: Why why why?

2012-12-15T15:11:00.002-08:00

Yet another shooting occurred in the US, where a gunman has left 27 dead at an Elementary School, including 20 children. This followed on from other tragic shootings earlier this year, where another gunman went on a killing spree during a screening of The Dark Knight Rises, back in July, and where another gunman killed six people at a Sikh temple in August.

This is not normal. People should not get massacred like this, especially not on such a regular basis. There is a major problem here, and it needs to be addressed.

As soon as this news story broke about this massacre in Connecticut, many, many people cried for tougher gun control, some calling for guns to be banned altogether. Let's explore gun control then.

Gun control

The US has a culture which is proud of its attachment to guns, which is upheld by it's most prominent and vociferal organisation, the NRA (National Rifle Association). At the time I write this, I do not know if they have made a statement (I go by Twitter) but I get the feeling that when they do (because they kind of have to), they will be on the offensive OR issue a statement saying their prayers and thoughts etc etc. The fact is is that the NRA are a powerful organisation and can influence quite a few politicians if they need to, to get their way. Hence, implementing tougher gun control in the US will be a very difficult task.

In my opinion, from over the Atlantic in the UK, tougher gun control is desperately needed in the US. But why? Because if less people have guns, less people are going to get shot. It is as simple as that. But why are Americans so reticent about losing their firearms? Let's answer those gripes.

1) I feel safe having a gun.

You feel safe having a gun, because it gives you a chance to shoot back, if some other guy has a gun and he's trying to kill you. Obviously, yes, you don't know whether some other guy has a gun on themself as a 'concealed carry' which he can whip it out at a moment's notice and shoot you dead. Of course, this means that if you do retaliate, you've got to be quick on the draw and paranoid about every other goddamn person around you. The postman - could be armed. The old lady you help with her shopping - could be ready to shoot you in the back for your wallet. What a tough dog-eat-dog world.

In a world where everybody had a gun, you'd feel safer if you had a gun too. And, yes, of course YOU'd be confident to say that, if you did get the chance to react and shoot back, that you'd hit your target before he can shoot you. You're like the Han Solo of real life. And that you would not, definitely not, shoot an innocent by mistake, because you're that perfect at shooting guns.

Let's imagine everybody has a gun. You'd imagine such a world to have a self-regulating system where everybody is just too intimidated to go gun people down, so it doesn't happen at all. If you take into consideration reaction times, accuracy, the fact that the gunman (or gunwoman) might be suffering from a disturbance of the mind that pressures him (or her) to whip it out and start blasting people, a wannabe spree-killer can get some deaths in before the force of retaliation hits back.

Let's say you're a killer in the middle of a bustling city. You've got people walking to and fro from A to B. You whip out your twin pistols John Woo style and start gunning down random people. Men, women, kids. It's a likelihood that you will not survive, as let's say 8-10 people begin shooting back seconds later. Some miss and hit innocents. Some more people start shooting as they think the retaliators are the killers. By yourself, you've managed to kill five/six people. Two men, a young woman, two kids. But the people who turned you into a bloody corpse killed ten or more.

And that's not taking into account the people who merely get injured.

Now who feels safe?

You take the guns away. Let's imagine this world now.

You're a killer in the middle of a bustling city. You've got people walking to and fro from A to B. You whip out your twin knives and start trying to stab people. You slash a woman across her chest before a man punches you so hard, you're knocked out. The police come, arrest you, charge you and so on. Nobody dies.

Now that's a better world to live in.

2) The Second Amendment to the US Constitution protects my right to own a firearm.

If you remember your History class, this amendment was in place for self-defence and for the protection of the state. It was, in summary, a measure for people to defend themselves and the state against the armies of King George III, a long-deceased British monarch, in the event of retaliation for losing the American War of Independence.

The current British Monarch, Elizabeth II, George III's Great-great-great-great granddaughter, has no desire to invade the US, neither does the UK Government. Officially, the US and the UK are very close allies and our relationship is very good. We even fight together in wars. The threat of invasion by British forces is nil.

The Second Amendment seems obsolete now, huh?

3) I gotta admit it, I just love guns.

People are recommended to have a pastime, I must admit. Some people like to collect stamps, some people go trainspotting, some go for long walks somewhere. Some people like to purchase some firearms to go out into the country and shoot some targets up.

I can't disagree on the fact that shooting stuff is fun. My dad had an air rifle and I used to spend quite a bit of time shooting inanimate stuff, tin cans, bottles, CDs I no longer liked (I used to like Oasis, until I realised how boring they were. So I took a few Oasis singles and blew some holes in them). But even an air rifle is dangerous.

One day, in my late teens, I was gripped with a sense of curiosity. What would happen if I shot a bird? I had spent a bit of time out in the garden waiting for a rat (which had somehow taken up residency in the garden) to come out from under the Sauna, and I was ready with the air rifle to snipe at it. I was running out of patience (I'm not a patient person), so I saw a sparrow land on the washing line, and I shot it. The pellet went straight through the sparrow's throat. It fell straight down onto the concrete slab, and I watched its last moments as it twitched, bled and defecated.

That's when I realised what power a simple air rifle had, and needless to say, I never shot at any living thing again. I still feel bad about what I did. But I know other people would, and this is what I'm talking about, a simple air rifle in the wrong hands is quite bad. There are countless stories of animals being wounded and killed by malicious attacks. And people too.

It is fun to shoot. But if you want to have an environment where you are allowed to shoot, and no one gets hurt, then you need it to be regulated and everyone needs to understand why that has to be the case. For example, if you owned firearms and they had to be kept securely at the local firing range, there's more chance the target is going to be paper than flesh. That way, you keep the fun, and people stay alive. Everybody's happy.

4) I won't ever go on a killing spree myself, so I don't see why I have to be punished for having firearms just because some dick with a problem went into an Elementary School to kill a bunch of kids.

Oh, that's great, that's really great. YOU won't go on a spree kill, so that automatically means gun control is unfair. YOU are part of your country, and the laws that govern it are for everyone, not just for individuals. If you want to be able to access firearms in exactly the same way you always have done, then that same rule applies to everybody else. Including guys who want to kill a load of innocent people. Shut the fuck up!

5) Gun control isn't going to curb killing sprees. If someone is determined to do it, they will find a way to get a gun.

Yeah, but isn't making it a lot more difficult the aim of this exercise?

In the UK, after the Dunblane Massacre, legislation was introduced to make private ownership of handguns illegal. Since 1997, there has only been one further killing spree in the UK, in Cumbria in 2010.

And before that, there was the Hungerford Massacre, which also prompted a review of legislation.

But this isn't just about gun control

You're right. Regulating gun ownership addresses only part of the problem. The other part of the problem is addressing why individuals feel the need to kill a bunch of people.

Mental illness

It is true to comment on the fact that spree killers tend to have disturbed minds, but it is not necessary for an individual to be actually suffering from a mental illness to go on a killing spree. They may have strong political/religious beliefs, or feel they have been pressured into a situation that they feel that a killing rampage is the only way they can get out of it.

Doctors have differing opinions as to which psychological problems Anders Breivik has.

All in all there are different reasons why people feel the need to shoot others and it is more complex than people may think. Each case is unique, but just because someone may have a disturbance of the mind does not mean that they cannot be treated. The ideal solution is to reach out to potential killers and help them before they kill. Everyone like this deserves that chance before it is too late.

It's a male problem

Please feel free to digest the statistics. Of course, there are more killings if you delve deeper, but from this list alone, pick out all the women.

OK, to save you the trouble, here are all the women in this list.

But you may ask, "This can't be it, and she was driving a car! There must have been some women who've gone on killing sprees with firearms!"

Brenda Ann Spencer is one. But you'd be hard pressed to find more, and while you spend time looking and reaearching, you'll go through countless records of killings committed by men.

So what is it about men that gives them the urge to kill?

It could be something in our genes which makes killers out of men. But how did we evolve to be this way?

Let's go back, right back into history to hypothesise.

Both men and women were responsible for the gathering of food, the so called 'hunter-gatherer' model accepted by many, with the men being the hunters and the women being the gatherers. Well, mostly, anyway. Experience of life tells us that not all men are the same, and the same goes for women - sometimes men have more 'feminine' characteristics and vice versa. You know this already.

OK, so the majority of the men would go off, with their weapons (throwing spears), to go and find a wild animal to kill. The majority of the women wouldn't be interested in that sort of thing, they'd be off looking for fruits and things (maybe even raiding a bird's nest for eggs), and being with the children. And then they'd all go home with their takings, and combine them for a delicious, tasty meal. The only thing is that the men have gone out to end a life, and do not care much about what they have done - it's brought home food, and that's a positive, right?

If out hunting the men were themselves attacked, then their stress response would be to either run and hide, or take a risk and attack. Testosterone levels, known for influencing risky behaviour, may have played a part in deciding what to do, and the most macho of the men would have stayed to fight, usually getting killed, but sometimes winning.

You can see it in the way men and women behave when they are given a bunch of random things to make something out of. Women would tend to make something useful, a utensil, or make something pretty. Men tend to weaponise anything they get a hold of. Wooden sticks get sharpened into spears. A strip of animal skin becomes a sling. You see it in prisons, men making shanks out of razors and melted toothbrushes. Most weapons are invented by men.

In more recent times, this ancient desire to kill also manifests itself in the video games that men and women play. Women tend to be drawn to less violent games, i.e. puzzle games, games with social elements, games where the need to kill is more absent and draws upon other skills instead. The shit you find on Facebook that attracts middle aged women in droves. Men tend to be drawn to violent games, like beat 'em ups and First Person Shooters, the latter of which has always attracted much controversy for the belief that playing such games damages one's personality, making them more likely to be violent people who go on spree killings. There was the belief that the FPS game Doom influenced Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold to go and do what they did.

Eric (as Rebdoomer) designed a level for Doom, and I actually played it. It was OK.

Don't get me wrong, I am not generalising either gender by saying all men do this, and all women do that. Some women enjoy violent video games too, and some absolutely own men when they play online FPS like Call of Duty. Some men wouldn't even dream of playing FPS. All this waffle about video games handlily links onto the next topic.

Do violent video games cause spree killings?

This topic polarises people. It is so controversial. In my opinion, as someone who has played quite a lot of FPS in my time, and thus can give a valued opinion on this matter, I would say no. Playing games can ease stress, and less stress means less cause to do something stupid. But there is the fantasy element, you go into a completely fictional world to kill fictional characters, over and over and over and over. You cause a lot of fictional bloodshed, that really is just a lot of 0s and 1s which cease to exist as soon as you turn the computer or console off. In a way, it addresses a need.

Playing FPS does put you into a protected bubble. Yes, you get shot at, but you don't feel physical pain. You don't feel real wind on your face as you traipse through open terrain. It's an alternate reality, but at the same time, while you can imagine yourself being there, it is far from real. You could argue that if someone is determined to kill others, they will plan it in whatever way they can, but spree killings isn't a new thing. It was not a problem created by violent computer games, neither will it be ended by them either. But the roleplaying element may reduce the need to do it in real life, just as people like to act out risque sex fantasies that wouldn't be acceptable if they were real. Why some like to watch porn and watch women getting badly treated instead of doing it in real life. But if someone is committed to doing the real thing anyway, a substitute reality may not actually be any hindrance or help. In essence, violent video games seem unrelated to spree killings.

Summary

What happened in Newtown is awful and we have only just been able to begin to understand what happened to cause this tragic and unique event.

The sad thing is that there will be more killings in the future, but understanding why, and doing something about it, will mean that they will be a lot less frequent. This means accepting some truths and dealing with them, no matter how inconvenient they are.

People should not have to die in the name of intransigence.

Yule Brinner - An alternative festive meal for all!

2012-12-06T14:32:00.000-08:00

OK. Christmas Dinner. It's an event. It's your Sunday Roast gone crazy. Here in the UK, Christmas Dinner means lots and lots of roast meat (usually turkey), cooked and roast veg (yes, Brussels Sprouts are a Christmas veg), stuffing, pigs in blankets and a nice amount of indigestion remedies to fight the inevitable. Booze (lots of). Christmas pudding (also lots of, and you can even set fire to it, for all you wannabe arsonists). Christmas crackers with rubbish jokes and even more rubbish toys, all the way from China. And we guzzle the entire thing up and flop out infront of the TV. If you strip Christmas Dinner down to its bare turkey bones, it doesn't seem all that special. And I'm sorry if by reading this, I have truly spoilt Christmas for you, though I probably haven't.

Anyway, yadda yadda yadda, a few years ago, I had an epiphany. True, I was watching that episode of Scrubs where Turk has Brinner. For those who didn't watch that episode, Turk has breakfast for dinner. That's what Brinner is all about.

With Brinner, you can have anything you would normally have at breakfast time, but for dinner instead. This is the freedom offered by Brinner. You can be as healthy as you want, you can, if you want to, pour yourself a bowl of muesli, or bran with raisins and stuff, BUT, you can go right the way over to the other side of the health spectrum too! That's right, a full English. Or whatever regional variety you have (e.g. a full Scottish). You have any of sausage, bacon, black pudding, hash browns, fried bread, eggs cooked just the way you want them, AND you have health food too - mushrooms, tomatoes and baked beans. And it's all washed down with a mug of strong tea or coffee. A belter of a meal.

But why on Earth would you think I'd be bigging up breakfast for dinner, whilst slating the traditional Christmas roast? I know some of you are disillusioned with the whole Christmas thing too. But look here. Brinner can be festive too, and it would already have a catchy name.

Yes, it namechecks this guy. That's what makes it the new best thing ever.

(Yul Brynner)

So, you want an example of what I'm talking about? This is what my wife cooked for us last year and I totally consumed on 21st December 2011

And you know what? It was gorgeous.

And another thing, guys, due to Yule's position in the calendar, IF the Mayans are correct that the world is going to end on 21st December 2012, at least we'll all be incinerated and destroyed after eating the best meal ever. Sat down, with our families around the table, tucking into breakfast for dinner and having a jolly good time. This is what our last moments on Earth should be about, guys.

Yule Brinner. You know you want to.

Arse-trology

2012-11-25T04:59:00.001-08:00

Back several months ago, when I was fairly new to Twitter, I began posting spoof astrology forecasts under the hashtag #LukeyStars. I saw people already doing something similar at the time (the most popular being @horrorsc0pes) and I thought about having a go.

Initially, I began firing them out on the way to work on a daily basis, all the way from Aries to Pisces, then realised it may be better (and to help assure quality over quantity) to put these out on a weekly basis.

This was at a time where I didn't have many followers, and unfortunately, it wasn't very popular. Favourites/Retweets were scant, if at all. I lost interest and #LukeyStars disappeared from popular view.

A friend of mine, who also uses Twitter, was probably my best fan and has asked when #LukeyStars is coming back. I've postulated over this and thought about the best way to resurrect it.

What I have noticed is that people tend to have their own account for general goofing around/serious stuff and seperate @s for themed comedy tweets. So, if I were to bring #LukeyStars back, it might work better with a separate account.

Yesterday, I set up @LukeyStars to post astrology tweets, which I could RT from my main account to popularise. I could promote the account through other means too.

I'm going to bring back when I originally intended to do - regular tweets, on a weekly basis, and try to keep it fresh, original and with the aim to raise a few laughs.

Let's see where this goes.