Be curious, Not judgmental.

found the gap

2013-02-06T09:13:00.004-08:00

i know its scary
knowing what we are not

thats the worst part
recognizing the lacking
when everything is missing

hope you miss me
and that you realized how ridiculous
holding onto broken threads is

when the strings caused it
dying just a little bit
to realize what the bottom is

but a burden can be
more than we expected to see
when hearts bleed
though we didnt know they meant anything

and i hope you see what i am now
that love makes us crazy
but a broken heart can calm you down

and even worse
it flaunts what we never found
when we sleep in oceans
with hope to drown

but you told me things get better
and life hurts, so ill write you a letter
to tell you i feel better

now that youre far enough away
because you never wanted to stay
and ill say something to the effect of
i hope youre okay

but you know thats a lie
because youve seen my face
i hope youre hearts like mine
things hurt until they decay

youre still all that i think

2013-02-05T09:26:00.003-08:00

stupid, build them up
wanna tear them back down again
wanna turn it into something new
all your walls
should have used bricks for them

and i guess i forget to mention
wanna build you up
to watch you fall down again
wanna watch you hurt like i did

but honesty is a burden
to people who have never heard of it
and i hate you for it
wanna take advantage because i can

because you did
god, i hate you for it
scars are made when people bend
and we lose sleep to follow trends

stupid, build them up
wanna make a mess out of it
stupid, build them up
make these walls a trend
wanna hate you less
tear me down again

freeze my features

2013-02-01T09:31:00.002-08:00

and i hope it means something
when words bore deep enough
to make me bleed

when i thought you were worth everything
and that you were more
than i could imagine to be

but days are sleepy
when our minds run all night
with things that break me

and make me realize i gave away my dignity
to jump into bed with someone
who doesnt mean a thing

then i realized i do that a lot
never give myself the time
thinking my heart will rot

and maybe we all become something we're not
because who we think we wanna be
never is what we got.

but maybe, thats okay
yeah, thats how a heart breaks
but we are what we create

and its really not your fault
when years of waves
wash away at all the walls

they make me deteriorate
like spaces that we make
but maybe thats okay

when fences we put up to keep us safe
really never did anything
in the first place

i guess thats a mistake we make
spend all this time on things
it takes seconds to break

Show me what im missing

2013-01-30T09:16:00.001-08:00

tell me i wont find better
that you hope im cold
in sleepy weather

and maybe im missing out
on things ill never know
because i never tried to figure you out

so show me what im missing
i wanna feel lost
and loathing

i wanna hurt like those bold things
the words that you told me
hope you wanna hold me

thanks for letting me know i fucked up
didnt realize what you were worth
when you were always messed up

smoking something new
holding onto the blue
of flecks in your eyes

when you used to make me cry
told me where i was meant
was on the other side

of loving myself
you know i couldve died
trying to be a lie

so show me what im missing
im just kidding
i know it isnt much

we love to feel empty

2013-01-28T03:29:00.002-08:00

its about what ive relegated myself to
designating myself to the confines of love and hate
like an empty box

and we crawl inside
hoping to find something in between
the spaces and the strings

then we jump around the blank page
hoping to find some color in the white
but its pointless like trying to find sleep at night

then everything changes
and theres too much time in having no time at all
so we sit and wait for something to pour out of our defenseless skin

but morning always comes
another couple of hours for your heart to be numb
and your fingers to drum

when you think youre worth better
you stay lonely and sleep cold
and you feel nothing at all because feelings are overwhelming

when we think we're sick because we're melting
when we thought better before sheltering
our hearts though people hurt and leave marks

love you madly

2013-01-27T18:41:00.000-08:00

but i have to wonder why
it hurts so bad when i broke it

and these things, they make no sense
when i hold it

so how am i supposed to say that im alright?
and that this is all okay

and that im okay
when im not?

we'll break our own hearts
before we ever listen

just promise me im making the biggest mistake of my life

by day we forget
we eat and do and act

and we feel nothing
and nothing hurts

but at night we cant hide
it bores and steeps

and it gets deeper
and it hurts... bad

then we try to drown out our thoughts
that part hurts physically

we blair our music
and consume everything in sight

then we give up
because nothing works

tell ourselves we're ugly
then repeat

and we cut
then repeat

then we cry ourselves to sleep
because nothing fits when we're weak

like some kind of ghost

2013-01-25T21:16:00.001-08:00

can you take whats left?
stringing out these final breaths

yeah it gets cold
and too late when we're too old

but eyes are bright
when we're feeling bold

saying i love you
only to be put on hold

didnt you get what you wanted?
tallying names of the haunted

as if you could remember
when memories freeze in december

but these i cant forget
like sharing every secret

just so i can hear it
in broken whispers

so what do you mean
do i regret it?

when im reminded everyday
just how stupid

loving someone is
and being broken

when you thought it couldnt happen again
but we give in

we create cycles
when we bend

an we shatter trust
for others to mend

and im still wondering when
this is going to end

when you wont tell me you love me
because im too young again

once you got what you wanted
yeah you win.

be my mirror, my sword and shield

2013-01-23T09:43:00.000-08:00

when we force ourselves into boxes
of needing and wanting love

well im sorry i am so defective
too damn young and dumb to leave my heart unprotected

but words like these shatter
when theres nothing left to say because none of it mattered

but hearts get battered
and the pieces get left to be scattered

so what am i supposed to feel when youre not here
because i used to think that was nothing to fear

but now im feeling broken
since every bit of me seems to have been stolen

and you lied
i was only in love with one side

claimed you hated to be hurt
when you were setting the scene to do it to a girl

who fell for you
thought you were something new

then you broke the two
made me wonder who

could have done this?
i thought we were being honest

im sorry, im not beyond this
when blue eyes break a promise

mess i made

2013-01-23T09:39:00.003-08:00

when we stop remembering who we are
when we start doing things without being provoked
thats crossing the line, isnt it?
thats when we know...

it was all involuntary
when boys
break hearts like toys

but i dont know when
the split between who i am and who i was
ends
it all bends

and that face you make is matter-of-fact
like its something i should know
when innocence is what i lack

and ill say yes
then take it back
but only after its too late
when i scream for what i had

and ill lie in a bed
where i lost my rings
to remind myself of all the careless things

i had to run into
like walls i built up
that i cant get through
when i see eyes that are pale and blue

ill keep running through
trying to get to a heart
i always knew

something in common

2013-01-22T14:30:00.000-08:00

Do we just die and forget and start over?

Did we just damn ourselves to four leaf clovers?
waiting patiently for luck to pass us over

When all we get is all we ever wanted
I wonder when we realize we're still haunted

and the past will bring us back
to sun that shines like our sins
to remind us
where our bloody hands have been

when we wash them in white
our hands come clean
leaving us to believe
our future is bright

and everything will be alright
right?

but stars are our only light
and they cant lead us through every night

when the fact of the matter is
we leave imprints on our hearts
and it will take more to forget
than to just restart

and we cant cut out so easily
when words already dug a hole too deep
and we cant just hold ourselves back
without losing any sleep

and i have to tell you that i cant sleep
that the things we said last night bore and steep

and im sorry if i messed things up
ill make it a habit of mine with any luck

but when you dont leave the lines clear
i dont know if i can step over it
or just fall near
that is not what i wanted to hear

that the end is not definite
even passed trips over state lines
you still wanna see me
and call me "mine"

love you less

2013-01-16T17:32:00.003-08:00

but i promise its for the best
because a heart makes a mess

im sick of waiting games
constantly checking my phone
to see a call was never made

and you know it makes a heart break
more than the destruction you make

so how long will it take?
to tell me you dont feel the same thing
but you dont want to see my heart break

but what did you expect
when you were holding out
to say you love me less

waiting for the perfect time
to create a mess

but dont worry, its for the best
when you were a waste of months
and shallow breaths

but come back in a couple of weeks
to tell me that im missed

that the kisses
made you wish for this
something you had not expected

didnt realize you were so far invested
but with who?
because it wasnt who you left netted

and at first it was cold
relearning how to sleep in a bed
alone

but after a couple of days
you realize that its all youve known
when you fall in love with boys for the way they make you moan

what else do i need?

2013-01-15T19:21:00.002-08:00

i still dont know what went wrong
going from twisting sentences in merciliess defense
to loving without a sense
and i dont know if theres something to miss

when all i want now
is gentle kisses
when lips follow maps
to our greatest wishes

but we fall through
and leave stitches like bitches
give our hearts away
to people who wont miss us

and id tell you the truth
if i believed in it
we're too scared to love each other
because that means loving ourselves and giving in

but we're masochists
obsessed with showing
theres hurt inside of it
inside of bliss

when you make me feel like shit
not intentionally
i know
but theres no changing it

and i make you feel like shit
when i hide away
and wont let you in
and wont tell you my secret

we love eachother
more than we could ever love ourselves
and thats scary isnt it?
so why dont we run away from it?

youre a boy who makes my heart bend
and youre a boy who can make me cave in
so i wanna be the girl could fall in love with
fall asleep in the same bed with

no, i just wanna hold ya.

2013-01-14T03:26:00.000-08:00

i really wanna tell you what you mean to me
instead of holding my breath for the spaces between

when the words come too easily
wanna tell you that i love you before i get the chance to speak

this is not what i wanted to hear
that i missed out on my chance when you were near

and that timing has a way of instilling fear
when butterflies bore homes in people who care

i just need to know youre really there
before my mouth gets to really share

these things that my heart can attest to
what my head doesnt wanna confess to

when my heart beats feel like angel wings
fluttering in my body, trying to break free

but im sorry for the things i cant be
like someone who can love you properly

and that i hold onto these damaging things
like tan lines replacing golden rings

didnt know who your heart could be
when it goes against what you really need

everyone changes, but us

2013-01-11T20:21:00.001-08:00

it was all destruction
fucking with things because they belonged to me
because hearts are weak
when we think love means anything

but it was all a lie
when we love those who hurt us most
blinded by our emptiness
when we should have taken notes

and noticed when we fell in love
our hearts lose their balance
then they take advantage
before we ever had a chance

the devil mocks your beauty
as he steals the life from me
tells me that i mean something
while my blood is draining

so im sorry if you thought i meant it
that you thought i could hold your heart
when i was only playing with it
that i was who you fell in love with

but you fell for it
for the first girl to give you lip service
to tell you the truth
the most beautiful things about you are the ones you miss

and that you thought you could protect me
not realizing youre the one who needs saving
thought i could pitch a tent in your heart
not that i would make it my own personal park

didnt realize who your heart could be
when it goes against what you need
and it makes you feel like a defenseless baby
when teenage girls break more than they were ever meant to be

i guess you didnt deserve it
being the first guy to ever make me feel worth it
but what other chance could i get
when everyone else makes me feel like shit

faster than your heart was chased

2013-01-09T18:13:00.001-08:00

she was right
im so blinded by my own pretentiousness
that i didnt recognize it
when you told me that im missed

but i dont know what caused it
when i dont love you
because everything i ever wanted
was more than this

how could you be so arrogant
to blame the idea that i could never love you
on bad habits
but to me it was just a bad dream

and a worse mistake
to try to force myself into a relationship that never meant a thing
and putting you ahead of me
though you could never do the same thing

insistent that its all in how we're raised
and there was a defect in genes
where morals slack in order to mix with
social means

but i guess thats the difference between you and me
you can shake at my doorstep
while i keep my promise
and you can say that im missed

i wont deny that feeling i get
the regret when i see you again
but id rather move forward
while you try to make your case

claiming that the love was never in the chase
and that we were meant for eachother
and that youll win
as if my heart isnt already bent

but you still dont recognize what went wrong
on cold days when sand castles fall
and take every piece of me with it
you should know my heart was never in it

i was only faking for your happiness
but best friends are targets
and the lies caused all of this
so, yes, ill take the blame

but that doesnt mean anything will change
infact, it reinforces why things should have stayed the same
i should have never kissed you
and i wish i never got the chance to miss you

is it a crime to say we're broken?

2013-01-06T19:35:00.003-08:00

i still dont know what i did

waiting on you to explain

why we needed to take a break

but our fights never end

we never say what caused it

just move on as if it never happened

and i used to like it

understanding why i had to be

punished

but right now

its killing me

wondering what you see

wondering why youre overlooking me

and your touches feel so icy

causing my insides to bleed

do you want to rip my heart out for me?

cause it feels like your itching

to feel something

like me

i fucking hate these things

the walls you build up

to block me

its all brick

and cold

and it reiterates

the differences

with every new wall i hit

and i wonder why i still try

sending you love letters

to never receive

and i wonder what you think

when you used to love me

and we used to be

do you realize how fucking long its been?

2013-01-05T19:45:00.001-08:00

did you forget?
when it takes years to put down what i feel
erasing and rewriting as we spin like a movie reel

but this shit keeps changing
and you keep shutting yourself down to me
so when i open up, hold me up

and we watch the pieces fall apart
then make it up
as if we could restart

i wanna restart
didnt realize what importance you hold
because i refused your heart

while you held mine
wrapped it in white
like hands that intertwine

i wanna say im sorry tonight
though i dont know what for
ill take all the blame 'till we're cured

and i wanna go back
back before names were erased
faster than your heart was chased

and i wanna tell you i love you
and not just for your body
but because im new

because you changed my perspective
and because it feels like ive known you for a hundred months
not just two

things we dont recognize

2013-01-05T07:20:00.000-08:00

when muses leave bruises
i wanna tell you i love you
but my head still refuses

so what am i supposed to feel
when youre not here?
am i supposed to be alright?
or regret the things i hadnt said
when you were near

its usually the things which we apologize for most
that seemed like not that big of a deal at the time
like how i said id be alright

but i was stupid
and i didnt realize i felt anything
until your heart took flight
until you left me speachless

when i just needed someone
because you couldnt be there
i pushed you back
though i recognize i dont play fair
you pull at heart strings i believed i had lacked

things like your texts goodnight
and goodmorning
you never giving my heart a warning

before you showed up
had me all choked up
thought i couldnt do this
but now im searching for a shooting star
to bring you back with a wish

feel nothing. feel empty

2013-01-03T18:50:00.002-08:00

and im sorry
that the fact that
what we have
is now what we had
means nothing

that it hurts more
that im empty
rather than
that my bed is empty
my heart is missing

i guess thats the sign
of contentment
feeling lost with it
i dont wanna feel love
i wanna be in it

fall asleep in your bed
not just have sex in it
but im just a kid
thats the reason
isnt it?

i cant feel
what you feel
cant hold back
on what i reveal
obsessed with thinking

this could be real
but we're all liars
and love hurts
like getting too close
to open fires

and getting higher
weighing lighter
eyes that burn brighter
when boys get drunk
just to fuel the desire

and get over the difference
in ideas
and heart
hiding
because its smart

to not admit
what we feel
and it hurts
and it kills
but its real

im sorry i cant feel
what you cant help but to feel
you wanna be in love
while i just have time
to kill.

i think ive loved you better

2013-01-01T20:11:00.005-08:00

she keeps asking
how i feel nothing
but the answer is simple
because i cant

because you wont
because it hurts less
if i dont

so i lied
and it sucks
holding onto memories
of love that fucks

so i wont get caught up in
chivalry and beauty
or the spaces between

hoping it will take hours
again before we speak
before you say something else
that makes my knees go weak

and i hope it takes a week
to say the things we need
so i can pack my bags and leave

in time to catch up with traffic
so i can get lost in a mind
holding onto before
when small touches were left at public doors

and i keep memories that bore
too hold myself from feeling
where my heart was tore

what mistake have i made?
giving up perfection
to feel love that fades

thats not perfection, thats desperation

2012-12-31T20:11:00.002-08:00

and it sucks
but the fact of the matter is
we think the way we hurt ourselves is so different
but its all the same.

our hearts heal like our wrists
taking too god damn long
and show exactly what went wrong
in our fucked up songs

then we follow
our family tree
addiction to loving things and people
who fuck us over runs in the genes

and it annoys me
my attachment to people who it hurts to be
the desire to feel something
clouding my judgement

i fall in love too easily
so i have to hold myself back
from feeling something totally normal
to keep myself from getting hurt

bedroom talk

2012-12-31T16:50:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered if this is enough?

You mean us?

No. I mean all of this. All of what we're doing, what we're seeing, who we're being. You know, is it enough?When we meet whoever where ever the imperial kingdom is, will they look at our resume and allow us to go through or will they tilt their head with this sad, confused expression on their faces wondering what we did with all our years? Is this enough to get us a pass through or will we be turned away?

I don't know. Is it enough for you? Do you expect to continue on in this purgatory state of 16? Or do you believe you will do something great? You know we're not stuck in limbo, right? We can do whatever the hell we want.

I'd like to. I don't think I can.

Wait, what do you believe is great? Greatness is not impossible to achieve. Its not relegated to winning a Nobel Peace Prize or curing cancer, you know. Greatness is in the heart and its the little things you do which touches the heart. Like every time you tell someone you love them, you touch their heart. And that's enough, isn't it? Its enough for them, for me, and for the majesty of the imperial kingdom. Is it not enough for you? You're enough for me.

I don't if that's enough though. I mean its nice to think about, but how can it be so simple? How can what I feel mean so much? I've gone through life believing it meant nothing and that I was nothing. Now you're telling me I'm something? Isn't it a little late?

Well, how much longer are you planning on living? I don't think it'll ever be too late to be told you're meant something. I mean, look at Pablo Picasso, hes a genius; and it sucks that no one realized that while he was alive, but they have now. And that's okay. A lot of stuff sucks, but at some point the stuff starts sucking less and then its all okay. You always do this, so stuck in the future.

Yeah, its okay now, but I'm going to remember yesterday when it wasn't. And that hurts. So what am I supposed to do about that?

Let it go.

now you feel just like a ghost

2012-12-29T20:00:00.002-08:00

pulling at strings

to find use in the things

i used to die for

it used to hurt more

the lacking

in your words that had no backing

and my words which never meant a thing

but shadows hide desperate things

when we take off our engagement rings

and sleep where we're not meant to be

it all used to matter

back before these hearts were shattered

but i used to miss it

wonder where we couldve been

if we had never ended it

but today i was only pissed

thinking about everything you did

and all i gave in

for someone who never meant it

when he said he loved me

only to say it to his ex again

yeah, i say fuck it

like you fucked my innocence

then claimed i lied about my virginity

and my being faithful

when i was the only one of us

but i was a fool

not eating hardly anything
to achieve your disgusting perception
of beautiful

the things we remember and the things that dont hurt anymore

2012-12-27T19:50:00.000-08:00

where did you go?
i didnt know you were something to miss
but i still feel like i lose

its been hours
but then its been days
trying to get to the point of replace

trying to get to where i can erase

and its weird
so different from where i thought id be
anchoring myself at sea

never thought you could make me fall apart
i miss all of this
though i dont remember most

i remember the important parts

like peppermints sticks
and short visits
wishing i could stay

but lives are like stars
the decay
and my heart breaks away

every time i hear someone say

she doesnt really care
because she wasnt here today.

all that i am made of

2012-12-27T19:46:00.001-08:00

fuck coloring inside the lines
ive seen beauty that intertwines.

and i hate the way we hide
behind sleazy doors and closed hotel blinds
and the way we fake like we dont care
when you know for damn sure i do.

but i like the way my hands still shake around you
like im cold, but you dont know
then the butterflies erupt
when you speak and my thoughts corrupt

yeah, i understand
but for once i wish i didnt
and i wish i didnt care
but this just isnt fair

waiting on texts
that show me you care
just so you can be distant
when youre right there

but this is what i get for damning myself
to love someone before i love myself
but the idea was just so great
and the feeling of my heart rate

but now youre turning into someone i hate
leading me on to break my heart
telling me you like me
then watching me fall apart