Just Saying

Sunday Morning Like Mama

2015-04-13T17:48:00.000-07:00

My mom and I hung out Easter morning.

I think of her every single day. More than once.

I miss her still and though that loss will never fade

it ebbs and flows like the tides. Sometimes crashing like waves

against a sea wall and other times distant and gray on the horizon of

my day.

Always there though.

Always there.

Often these last few hard years I have wondered what her advice

to me would sound like. Usually I decide it would sound like

Keep on going, Honey.

You don't really have a choice.

Just do what you need to do.

You're doing just fine.

And so I keep going. Doing what needs to be done.

When I grow weary of the going and the doing I feel my soul

looking for her. Reaching and stretching towards her like the arms of my sweet grand-babies reaching towards their own mamas.

My heart is just hoping for a glimpse is all.
Just yearning for a brief moment

as the child again.

Easter morning I caught that glimpse when I woke early to get
Sunday lunch started before church.

Already dressed in my Sunday best

and wrapped up in one of her aprons I put the

butter beans on to cook and I almost heard her whisper.

In an instant I flew through years to those Sunday mornings

when I woke to the sounds of her in the kitchen starting Sunday lunch

even before the rest of us were ready for breakfast.

Just for a moment

I saw her with that same apron over her Sunday dress.

Just for a breath

as my heart stretched towards hers

I felt her right there beside me.

And my mama held me again.

It made the day with my own precious angels all the sweeter.

Looking For The Words

2015-04-05T19:24:00.000-07:00

This one is for you-my quiet pray-er, real live author and old softball slinging friend. It took many nights of prayers dancing with fears and angels but it is time for me to look for the words again.

It is time to practice what I preach to the

kindergartners I with whom I spend my days.

We can do hard things.

Nearly a year and a half away from the coma

that nearly robbed me of them it remains

difficult still to move words from my heart to paper.

What once was effortless is now more deliberate and hard

and for almost nineteen months now I have rarely had the

energy to visit these pages.

Laboring so over something once so

easy can be discouraging and Lord knows I haven't had

the inclination to fight any battles that were optional in

nature.

The process is much harder now. The words and sentences

hide from me and I spend most of my time here backspacing,

retyping and rewording.

Spelling never my strong suit is now even more

difficult.

Words that once danced from my fingertips to the correct keys of

my computer now spin a little out of control and often require stern

direction to find their way.

It occurs to me though, that I have more to say and however difficult it may be, weakness becomes strength only through hard work of one kind or another.

So maybe I'll come here more often and type and backspace and type and re-type.

Just Another Day In The Life Of...

2014-01-06T16:59:00.000-08:00

My family is alternately laughing at me

and shaking their heads in my direction.

It might have something to do with my less than stellar vision.

It's really not nice to laugh at people with

poor eyesight but they are quite amused and

unwilling to hide their mirth.

My baby girl's boyfriend, who is usually

way nicer to me than the people who live here,

is even looking at me with poorly concealed

laughter in his eyes.

Nobody seems concerned by the fact that I have

had difficulty seeing all day.

I drove in the dark this morning

to a hospital to supervise the

cardiologist treating my oldest daughter.

(That's a whole different post but he did okay.

He says she is fixed and that is music to this mama's ears!)

I watched heart monitors, crocheted a hat for the grandson,

held multiple text conversations, drove home, evaluated possible

curtains for the den and cooked dinner only burning one finger

in the process.

I did all of that with a definite squint, people.

Because it's hard for me to see.

I keep forgetting to make an appointment for my

yearly eye exam.

I blame the coma.

In fact, I haven't been able to see clearly all day and it has just about

driven me the rest of the way to crazy.

I have had poor eyesight most of my life and have been

known to express my frustration at this inability to see

clearly in a loud and inappropriate voice.

Or at least a gusty sigh

Anyway, I finally had a minute to relax by reading some very

entertaining Facebook comments concerning the failure

of our school board to cancel school due to the anticipated

cold weather. (By the way-It's wind chill NOT wind shield

in case you too are confused as to the correct terminology.

Just sayin'..........)

"I have GOT to make an eye appointment," I may or may not

have yelled as I yanked my glasses from my face to clean

the lenses.

In accordance with my policy of attack first

because offense is the best defense,

the very next thing I uttered was,

"Why didn't any of you tell me I was missing a lens?"

Yep.

I've been walking around all day with no right lens.

That might explain why I burned my fingers.

Now I just need to explain how it never occurred to me

to wonder why my eyesight diminished so drastically overnight.

Oh I know.

It's the coma again.

Just sayin'................

Happy Birthday, Mom

2013-12-29T18:18:00.000-08:00

Grief is a funny thing.

It arrives and departs on it's own timetable
never bothering to follow the laws of reason or civility.

A cherished friend recently told me that
it takes seven celebrations for the sting to diminish.

Seven birthdays.

Seven Christmases.

Seven adoption anniversaries.

I do not know if I believe it.
Because grief does not play fair.

While it seems as fresh as a few moments ago
that I held her hand while she took that last breath

It seems forever and a day
since I last saw her face.

Forever and a year since my ears
heard her voice say my name.

I miss her as much as I did the moment she left
and more than ever before.

Happy birthday, Mom.

I still miss you every day.

I still miss your voice.

I still miss your face.

I still miss your presence.

2013-12-13T17:12:00.000-08:00

Today was my eighth day back at work and

the end of my first full week.

I am tired.

I am tired but I got up every morning.

I showed up. I taught. I assessed. I kept up

in line. We got where we needed to be mostly

when we needed to be there and nobody got lost.

This is a wonderful and terrible time of

year for teachers.

The good thing is that it is Christmas time

The bad thing is that it is Christmas time.

I still say it is the best job ever.

But I am saying it from underneath the

electric blanket on my bed.

Just Another Thanksgiving Post

2013-12-03T18:12:00.000-08:00

I would say that my doctor, his sweet wife and I have known each
other half of our lives but that might prompt some of you

to try to figure out how old we are.

And we aren't.

Old that is.

And that's just unnecessary.
And probably rude.

Just sayin'..................

I first met the doc and his wife at church.

Her father was the pastor at that time and her mother was a teacher. I fell in love with her parents.

Her father reminded me of mine and listening to Preacher was like going home. He is a hugger and has a smile that is impossible to resist. Turning him down was impossible so suffice it to say that I did time in Mission Friends and Children's Sunday School. When he asked I just automatically nodded.

Her mother...well she was a saint. Beloved by her students and able to make this girl feel like she mattered. Even more more impressive was her ability to say the thing you needed to hear the most. She caught sight of me one Wednesday evening and called me over to her table. Starting with, "I've been meaning to tell you..." and ending with, "I wanted you to know I noticed." she gave me the gift of encouragement at a time when I felt all alone in a struggle.

Kathy and her sister were kind enough to invite me to the kinds of things young Southern Baptist women did back then. I was shy and awkward and I didn't make it easy but they made me feel like I belonged. Those two girls made me laugh harder than I had ever laughed before.

Although we hadn't seen each other in far too long, she cooked for my kids while I was off on my coma vacation. They are still talking about that meal! I think they might be willing to ship me off to Emory again for another one of Mrs. Kathy's hams.

Knowing that she fed my kids for me made me feel loved.

Thanks, Kathy. You are your mama's girl and that is high praise.

For a long time the doc was just Kathy's husband.
Sorry Gerald.
He was busy getting finishing his residency and frankly I couldn't remember which sister he was married to.
Sorry again.

After a few years we wound up in the same Sunday School class. He eventually taught the class and I was finally able to keep who he was and which sister he belonged to straight in my head.
Again with the sorry.

I sat on the front row with some of my people.

We were collectively referred to as,

THE FRONT ROW GIRLS.

Yes, with all caps.

Because we always studied our lesson

and were ready to contribute valuable,

on topic, mostly appropriate comments.

Or maybe because that is where you make the trouble makers sit.

Just sayin'.........

Quite possibly, it was as a front row girl that I noticed his tendency to roll his eyes at me occasionally.

He doesn't know this but my recent illness isn't

the first time he has saved my life.

He saved it for the first time many years ago

by listening to what was unsaid,

by reading between the lines.

Believe when I tell you what a difficult

task that is because I walk in the door with

lots to say. I like to arrive at each appointment

with a diagnosis and a treatment in mind.

In fact, I like to refer to our meetings as consultations.

He once began an office visit by asking which one of
us was getting paid for the visit.

Insert eye roll.

He probably should have warned the neurologists at Emory.
The word sassy may have been used in reference to my attitude.
Whatever.

Anyway, thanks Doc.

Thanks for taking care of me and my baby these last few months.

You saved her life too.

I know that's your job but

still...thanks.

The prayers that I heard the two of you prayed for me and mine weren't your job though and that makes them all the more precious.

Again. Thanks.

Just sayin'................

Missing: One Heart and So Thankful

2013-11-20T17:16:00.001-08:00

All I ever wanted to be when I grew up was a mom.

There are no words big enough, strong enough or fancy enough to express the depth of my love for the ones who made that dream come true.

I lost my heart with the birth of my first child and haven't seen it since.

She held it firmly in her tiny fist only letting go of it to share it with her brother and sister.

The three of them have had complete possession of each heartbeat.
The three of them have been the reason for each breath.

It is frightening to lose one's heart so completely.
So irrevocably.

I used to believe that life would be a little less frightening when they got a little bit older.

I used to believe that when they reached that first birthday I would be able to sleep without first watching for the rise and fall of their breath.

I used to believe that when they learned to talk and could tell me what was wrong or where it hurt I would be able to relax and assume all was well.

I used to believe that when they were old enough to take care of themselves I would be able to stop worrying about them.

I have found that motherhood doesn't work that way.

Once those tiny hands close around your heart you are theirs forever.

You belong to them in a way that you belong to no other.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Just sayin'............

Thank you Mrs. Butler

2013-11-13T19:01:00.001-08:00

My First Grade teacher was named Mrs. Butler.

I loved her very much
and when asked to name
my favorite teacher or
the one who has had the
most impact on my life,
I always,
always,
with no hesitation
speak her name.

You see, Mrs. Butler taught me to read.
She introduced me to the power of words.

I distinctly remember two things about First Grade...
how kind my teacher was to me on the day I was stung by a bee
and the moment I read my first words.

Both of these memories have colored the tone of my
classroom and while I have too often failed miserably in
the kindness department I still continue to strive to be the same
soft shoulder for my students that Mrs. Butler was for me.

And just as she must have,
I live for those days when the
eyes of a five year old meet mine
as they gasp a little
and grin a lot because
"Oh snap!
I just read that all by myself!

Mrs. Butler opened a magic door for me and sent
me through it to worlds that began with
Sally, Dick, Jane, Spot and Puff then continued on
with Meg and Charles Wallace and on and on.
(100 bonus points to those who know Meg and Charles Wallace)

I was never far from a book and was frequently instructed
to get my nose out of said book because I chose to read over
almost any other activity.

I read then (and still do) as if my mind was as hungry for words
as a stray dog is for food and it makes sense that
my word hunger would evolve into the need to create
my own stories.

My own words have never flowed as freely as I imagine
they do for other people who feel compelled to tell their
stories. I search hard for that perfect combination of words
that will recreate a moment. It has never come easy for me.

I write.
And re-write.
And re-write again.

My life is different now. I am still re-learning to walk up and down
stairs. My balance is iffy and my gait feels awkward. My hands
are weak and don't want to function some days.

I now find myself searching harder for those just right words.
They have become elusive and as hard to hold on to as the
mist that rises from the lake behind my house on these cold
mornings.

This post alone has taken days and days and days to write.
I have no idea how many hours I have spent typing and
re-typing these words. Each time I return to these words
I find and correct errors and complete unfinished sentences.

As I slowly emerged from my coma I do not recall being frightened.
Not until I was aware enough to realize that my
words were hiding from me and that the
words of others had to swim sluggishly upstream
through a brain that just did not translate as it once did.

Just today, I could not recall the words
'birthday card'.

It is frustrating and scary.

There are good days and bad days.

Sometimes I have to wipe tears away
in order to see the keyboard but I am determined to use
that stubborn, hard headed attitude my husband loves
so much to find and keep my words.

I have more to say now than ever before.

Just sayin'..........................

PS. Mrs. Butler-

I wish I could find you and thank you in person.
I still love you.

Ann Marie

I Woke Up This Morning...Thankful

2013-11-01T18:08:00.002-07:00

I love the Facebook trend of thankfulness

in which many participate during the month of November.

It blesses me to see into the hearts of both friends and

acquaintances as they share the things for which they

are thankful.

Giving thanks is a habit I acquired

many, many years ago

during a particularly

dark and stressful season of life.

It was a time filled with self-doubt

and negativity.

God showed me then

that a grateful attitude is an effective defense

against anxiety and the process of searching

for new things to thank Him for every day takes

your mind to places of peace.

I began by keeping a journal. Each night I wrote

three positive statements about myself and three

new things for which I was thankful.

Over time, I developed a habit of praying myself to sleep

each night by thanking the One who provided

every blessing that graced my life.

As I read the many thankful status updates

today it occurred to me that there is power

in the act of sharing gratefulness with others.

So I sat down a few moments ago

and placed my fingers on the keys

just as I was taught ~~so many~~ a few years ago

in typing class at Baldwin High School.

Still peeking at the keys,

just as I did then,

I began to make my first

giving of thanks Facebook status posting.

I quickly realized that a status post

is just too...

inadequate

for me

in this season of my life.

Hence, the blog post. Just sayin'....

On this first day of the traditional

season of giving thanks

I am thankful for

the gift of life.

I am thankful that mine was

given back to me.

It isn't the same life I had

before. It is a life with new

challenges.

But each morning is another chance

to get it right.

Each day is an opportunity to

extend Grace to another

just as Grace has been extended

to me.

I am thankful for each day

that I wake up for each day

is a gift, people.

Just sayin'............................

Comments From a Coma - Alternatively titled - I Heard What You Said About Me

2013-10-28T18:21:00.001-07:00

Just so you know...

Comas are strange places to live.

Life there is a bizarre and distorted existence.

I am sure that I will never completely process
my time spent there and it is a place I hope never
to revisit.

I do know this one thing however.

I heard what you said about me. Your words penetrated the
confusion and were a comfort and lifeline.

I heard you say that you loved me.
I heard you tell me to come back.
I heard your conversation with each other.
And I heard your sweet laughter.

Just in case you ever need to know...
They can hear you.
They NEED to here you.

But watch what you say because...

I heard what you said about me and it will be used against you.

(Insert evil grin here because Coma-0 Sense of Humor-1)

Just sayin'........................

P.S. A more serious post will be forthcoming. It is difficult to see the keyboard through teary eyes.

2013-09-29T15:54:00.001-07:00

As I drove to Grady Hospital in Atlanta a few months ago my mind operated on two different planes. Weaving in and out of traffic I kept up a constant conversation with God and with the voices in my head. I alternated between prayers for my brother and questions that I knew were unanswerable.

I seem to be able to find a place of calm when in the midst of crisis.
I am like my mother in that way.

Interspersed among the prayer and supplication and the worrying about my brother's condition was a running theme of whys and what the hecks.

Why is this happening again? How much more can he take? How much more can we take? What are the odds?

You can re-read the entries about Marlin's SECOND house fire, his injuries and his long recovery.

We all found out that we could indeed 'take it'.

Still, those questions remain lurking below the surface of my inner conversations.

Three Years

2013-04-22T17:55:00.001-07:00

Three years ago today,
my mother died.

Died is such a grim, harsh word.
People wince when I use it.

I find euphemisms for death
to be far too mild for the pain
felt when a piece of your heart
is torn away.

There are still some days when I find
myself, phone in hand, thumb searching
for her name as I settle in for the drive home.
And other days when I pick up my phone intending to
tell her just one quick thing.

That only happens some days.
Every day though...every single day
I think of her.

My mother was a good listener.

When I was in college I frequently called her to talk about assignments, professors, roommates and boys.

As a new mother I called about feedings, spit up, sleep schedules and feeling overwhelmed. I spoke of falling in love with each new precious gift from God and how blessed it felt to be their mother.

As a mother of one, two and then three, I called about naps, sibling rivalry, dance, karate and gymnastics. She listened to me worry about one or another or all three.

As a mother of pre-teens and teenagers I called for reassurance that they would like me again one day and that somewhere deep down they still loved me. She mostly listened but sometimes laughed when I swore that we never acted so rotten in our day.

As a teacher, I called for advice, encouragement and sympathy up until the very week before the surgery that revealed the horrible reason for her failing health.

And always. Always.
I called to hear her say, "Hello, my precious angel."

Who Needs Valentine's Day?

2013-02-21T19:14:00.000-08:00

His love is a platinum thread running in and out the fabric of my days.
Hidden within the folds of my crazy, busy days, that thread shimmers with reminders of what love really is.

It is strong enough to weather unexpected yanks of grief and the relentless pull and stretch that is required to heal from great loss.

It is loose enough to allow me the freedom to be the authentic me. I don't have to pretend to be anything or any way other than who God made me to be. The freedom to be the person you really are at your core is a precious gift.

He takes delight in the smallest accomplishment of my day.
Accustomed to encouraging others all day,
it is especially edifying to be the recipient of cheers and smiles
for even the smallest of things.

He is appreciative of every little thing I do.
Every little thing.

He knows what I look like when a headache is stalking me and actually notices when I look that way.
He pays attention.

He never, ever fails to offer caffeinated beverages,
ice packs and compassion even though those migraine monsters
attack for days at a time.

I have never once caught him rolling his eyes
or heard so much as a hint of irritation in his voice
when he comes home to find me in bed
with an ice pack covering my eyes.

His smile is famous and his boisterous love of life is endearing.
It seems as if he knows everyone in the neighborhood and we can't go anywhere without seeing someone he knows.

He makes me laugh every single day and
I still look forward to hearing him walk through the door after work.

He makes my tea when the pitcher is empty,
hangs my clothes up fresh from the dryer,
buys me Diet Dr. Pepper and
knows that I cannot look him
in the eyes when I am angry with him.

He works like a dog and plays like a kid.
He has made me a happier, more relaxed person.
The grand babies are going to love hanging out with him.

He loves our children.
All five of them plus the one God gave us when our oldest married him.
He takes pride in the character and achievements of all of our kids
and sees the good inside each one.

He is calm and patient with screaming grand babies
and teenage girls.

He is good to my extended family and doesn't think they are as weird as I do.
Just kidding about the weird.

But then again, he doesn't think I am as weird as they do.
Not kidding about the weird.

He tells me that all families have crazy times, crazy relatives and crazy habits. But he admits that I win the contest for the craziest redneck relative.

He lets me blame him for pretty much anything from acts of nature to unpleasant dog odors just because he lets me blame him.

He lets me sleep on his shoulder for the two or three minutes it takes
until I need my space or
I need to straighten the sheets
or rearrange pillows or
I need to breath my own air.

Everyone knows that he is a sucker for
little ones,
animals
and his family.

I tell him that he is kind hearted
and sweet and he tells me not to tell anyone.

He knows my secrets and has remained.
At times amused and probably disturbed
by the inner workings of a mind like mine
he has remained.

Surely often befuddled by my...
lets just call them moods.
No, let's call them justified moods.
Whatever we call them...
he has remained.

He is compassionate, gentle and forgiving.

He has loved me through the moodiness, anger and devastation of grief.

He was already there when I turned to run to him blinded by my tears and deafened by my sadness.

He was already there because he was paying attention.

He is my best friend, an answer to my prayers and I
thank God for him every single day.

Who needs Valentines Day when you are loved like this everyday

Just sayin'.......

To Be Enough

2013-02-04T19:30:00.000-08:00

There are days when I cannot wait for them to leave the classroom!

Days filled with whining, arguing and picking at each other like tiny piranhas.

Days when the neediness so normal for their young age multiplied by twenty overwhelms my store of patience.

Any parent knows the feeling. It is the same feeling that comes right before the bedtime that is too long getting here.

And then, there are days when I cannot bear to watch them leave.
Days when one of them takes the broken pieces of my heart out the door with them.

There are nights when a sweet little face is all I see as I putter around in my safe, snug and cozy little home by the lake. Nights when my thoughts are never far from a little one whose story wrecked my soul.

There are days when the limitations of the job I love fill in the broken places of my heart with frustration and helpless anger.

Those are the days when even the most gentle of Kindergarten teachers has hatred in her heart for those who would victimize a baby.

Those are the days when I pray the hardest to make a difference,

to be a light,

to be a safe place to fall

and to be strong enough and gentle enough and smart enough

to pick up the pieces of a heart smaller and much more tender than

my own and glue those pieces back together.

To be enough.

Those day are the hardest of them all.

Just sayin'.............

Unwritten

2013-02-03T17:53:00.001-08:00

Yes, it has been a long time.

The trouble with blogs is that sometimes people read them.

And sometimes the stories I need to write are not mine alone.

When that happens, I have to leave my words unwritten.

For me, writing is a compulsion. I must confess that inside the secret world of my thoughts I am always writing.

Always searching for that perfect word, that one phrase that feels as good as sliding between fresh new sheets.

So much has happened that begs for words and I am ever aware of the stress relief denied by my decision to leave them unwritten.

At any rate, I am back.

Maybe, to write some of those unwritten words.
For they belong to me also.

Maybe.

If Cleanliness Is Next To Godliness Then Please Hear My Prayer Oh Lord!

2012-06-04T08:24:00.002-07:00

Oh Lord,

Thank you for allowing me to see the humor in the fact that my daughter is mad at ME because the water main down the street is busted.

Thanks for letting me giggle a little when she yelled at ME because now there is no water and how is she supposed to wash her hair because she has to go to work and they will send her home if she just puts it up in a pony tail and yes they will because you don't know them and now what is she supposed to do call in and tell them that we don't have any water and what do you mean go to a friend's house for a shower that's ridiculous! Gosh!

I'm just asking one thing, Lord.

Please help me not to giggle out loud gain or You-Forbid smile at her.

You gave her the same I'm.Going.To.Kill.You.In.Your.Sleep! glare that you gave me and her older sister and I'm a little worried.

Oh yes, Lord.

About the dog that had diarrhea 4 times in various places throughout the house last night...you know the one who waited until I sat down to recuperate from the horror of the clean up to vomit at my feet and immediately run away to have ANOTHER episode of diarrhea.

Um.......remember that broken water main?????

Just ~~sayin'~~ asking..........................

Amen

Disclaimer-Just so you know this is one great kid who makes me proud every day! Sometimes the drama of being 17 (or 50) is just more than a girl can handle!

A Mother's Day Song

2012-05-15T16:48:00.001-07:00

I hope you enjoy this very special Mother's Day ballad recently shown at my church, Southside Baptist!

How 'bout a buffet?

Just sayin'.....................................

Tina Fey Says It Best!

2012-05-14T09:14:00.000-07:00

Please enjoy one of my favorite prayers for mothers.

“First, Lord: No tattoos.

May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor

Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not

Damaged, for it’s the

Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the

Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered,

May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half

And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from

Acting but not all the way to

Finance.

Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes

And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord?

Architecture?

Midwifery?

Golf course design?

I’m asking You, because if I knew,

I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the

Drums to the fiery rhythm of her

Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her

Own Arms, so she need

Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a

Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen.

Let her draw horses and be interested in

Barbies for much too long,

For childhood is short –

a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day –

And adulthood is long

and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever,

That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers

And the online marketing campaign for

Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a

Bitch in front of Hollister,

Give me the strength, Lord,

to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends,

For I will not have that Shit.

I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day,

be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her,

lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M.,

all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love

with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,”

she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck.

“My mother did this for me.”

And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation

and she will make a

Mental Note to call me.

And she will forget.

But I’ll know,

because I peeped it with

Your God eyes.”

― Tina Fey, Bossypants

Happy Mother's Day

2012-05-13T18:06:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to my first mother.
The one who chose life for me.
The one who's name I may never know.
The one who gave me life a second time
when she gave me back to God allowing Him
to give me a mama. The one I wish I could
meet in person so that I could thank her and
tell her how wonderful my life has been.

Happy Mother's Day to my real mother.
The one who gave me a name.
The one who taught me that unconditional
love is the birthright of EVERY child and
does not depend upon genetics. The one
who called me her precious angel, taught
me to bake a pound cake, love rainy days
paired with a good book and how to love
people. The one I miss more than I ever
thought possible and more than I ever thought
I could bear.

Happy Mother's Day to my sister who like
our own mother has helped raise children
she did not give birth to but who grew in
her heart instead. The one who honored
our mother and father in the most perfect
way possible without even knowing she did
so. The one who instinctively held the hand
of her 14 year old sister as we crossed a
parking lot and who still throws her arm across
me protectively if she has to stop the car
too quickly.

Happy Mother's Day to my mother-in-law who
raised a man whose heart is kind and generous.
The one who is a super hero who may appear
to be a mere accountant but who is stronger than
anyone knows. The one who fought her way through
hard times as treacherous as quicksand with a tenacity
I find amazing! The one who raised two boys alone
while teaching them to be strong in adversity, to love
whole-heartedly and to be good to people. To this
day they adore her and so do I!

Happy Mother's Day to teachers everywhere
who mother those who need it the most. You
see, we don't mother them all for many of them
have mothers who do a fine job. We mother the
ones who need us though. The ones who don't
know that they are a gift from God and are
wonderfully made.

Happy Mother's Day to my people. Who know
who they are and who mother me when I feel a
little bit orphaned. MNG forever!

And finally, Happy Mother's Day to the mothers
to be. Who remind us that life goes on and who
give us all reason to believe in miracles.

Today is a good day to be a mother!

Just sayin'.........................

Missing Mom

2012-05-04T09:26:00.000-07:00

I am trying not to think about how I won't hear from my mother on my birthday this year and I am not being very successful.

I have stubbornly fought the gray, sad this week but right now, alone at home while in between doctor appointments, I can cry a little.

Two weeks ago the second anniversary of her death passed with little fanfare.

Part of me feels a little offended that there is no national holiday or parades with floats that support the Let's Eradicate Dumb, Stupid Gall Bladder Cancer Association.

Most of me wants to be at the beach listening to the waves whisper and the birds answer.

When I get a little richer I will make a pilgrimage each year to her favorite beach. I will sit alone on the sand and look for the dolphins that often play there. I will dig in the sand underneath the shells and flip them over with my big toe. Like she taught me.

I will watch each wave and remember that life goes on just like they do and I will cry a little and feel God's perfect peace.

My birthday will forever be missing something. The tabernacle choir that called me each year on Cinco de Mayo will never be the same and while I don't feel much like celebrating a friend reminded me that Mom loved my birthday so I plan to pull up my big girl britches and have a great day with most of the people I love the best.

I do not write about sad times or scary times for sympathy or attention.

I write about them for me.

I really despise the kid glove treatment and have an almost uncontrollable urge to throw something pointy at well intentioned people who tiptoe around me.

I much prefer some inappropriate humor or the way my boss-friend punches me in the shoulder and says-It'll be okay. Except the sore shoulder part. She hits hard!

I like how my gang knows to say things like-
I think you are sad and having a hard time. Do you want to talk about it or would you rather hit Mrs. Fabulous?

I don't know why she always flinches when they say that.

Just sayin'..................................

How To Traumatize a Kindergartener in One Easy Step

2012-04-24T17:39:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer:No Kindergartners were INTENTIONALLY traumatized in the following story that may or may not have happened to me or someone else sometime in the past.

Anyone who has ever attempted to convince one five or six year old to voluntarily leave the playground can appreciate the sometimes monumental task of rounding up twenty or more little ~~wild~~ rascals and getting them all back inside their classrooms. It is not uncommon for this process to send even a veteran teacher into a tizzy.

Imagine with me, a playground teeming with children. Picture these children running around like ants who have discovered a lollipop on the ground. Let's just say for the sake of our discussion that a co-worker who has had to walk a child inside for some reason has asked me someone to bring in her class with ~~mine~~ theirs.

Okay, let's just pretend like this happened to me. Just to, you know, make it easier to tell the story.

As is my usual custom, I blew my whistle while waving my hand back and forth. Turning the volume of my super sized megaphone up all the way I call for my co-worker's children to line up beside my class.

As I headed up toward the front of my line to break up a wrestling match worthy of the WWF I suddenly realized something even worse than a sleeper hold was occurring in Mrs. Co-worker's line.

One of her little girls was pinching the front of her shirt between the fingers of both hands while yelling,

I ain't got no titties, I ain't got no titties!

Whirling around and bending to eye level I confronted her.

Did you just say I ain't got no titties?!?!?!

She froze. And nodded. And carefully let go of her shirt.

Gasp!!!! You did???? Did you really say I ain't got no titties?!?!?!

Again, the nod.

Let's just say I was....appalled.

Lips firmly pressed together in horror I finished herding the last few hold outs into one line or another and marched both lines to the classrooms.

Upon arriving at the large meeting area outside the kindergarten classrooms I invited my little friend to share her information with the paraprofessional that works with Mrs. Co-worker.

Bursting into tears she confessed,

I was dus sayin I ain't got no titties.

Let's just say....that information was not well received.

I got on with the business of teaching a few lessons and was helping the student pack their backpacks with pictures drawn that day, art projects completed and worksheets with smiles on them.

The door to my classroom opened and in marched Mrs. Co-worker
followed by our little friend.

Mrs. Co-worker asked me to tell her about the scene I witnessed on the playground and I did so with all the self righteous indignity I could muster.

And as I relayed my story our precious friend burst into tears.

When I finished repeating her EXACT words one more time her teacher very quietly said,

She says she was saying I got Hello Kitties.

Very slowly, I followed Mrs. Co-workers eyes and

I looked at her shirt.

Of course.

It was a Hello Kitty shirt.

Barely moving my lips I asked,

Ummm, she doesn't have a little speech problem, does she.

Mrs. nodded,
She does.

Nodding back I bent down and asked,

Sweetie, did you say I ain't got no titties or did you say I got Hello Kitties?

Sweetie nodded.

Which one did you say, sweet girl?

Sweet girl shrugged.

After repeating my questions and receiving the same response I looked at her teacher and allowed as to how I had made a terrible mistake.

Lots of kindergartners substitute the t sound for the k sound.

Nodding, Mrs. Co-worker carefully drew a line through the note she had already written in sweet girls agenda and added a note of explanation.

To make a funny story even funnier the note her mom wrote back said, "She usually says boobies at home but when I asked her about this I couldn't tell what she was saying either!"

Thank God for the cool moms....

Just sayin'........

P.S. I apologized profusely to sweet girl and while I feel sure that she has forgiven my poor hearing she continues to look at me out of the corner of her eye. Kinda like you watch the scary crazy person talking to themselves in the Wal-mart.

Two Years Today

2012-04-22T19:15:00.001-07:00

This was a post I wrote on April 22nd of last year. I tried to write again but Life goes on and sometimes tears and sadness have to take a back seat to proms and laundry. I miss her more than I ever thought I could but I have found that for me grief cannot be scheduled. It always comes when it wants. So today I nod in grief's direction and get on with the business of life.

I'll think of our favorite place, Mom. It always helps to remember those good times with you. Love you!

Ann Marie

I just can't pretend that today isn't a sad day for me.

My heart's desire was to be somewhere else today.

A place we both loved.

A place where waves roll in time to the beat of

my heart and the sand waits to catch the tears.

A place made of salt, sand, breezes and

the occasional dolphin dancing in the water.

A place where storms are as welcome as the sun.

Maybe even more so.

A place where seashells and smiles live.

Where family became family again.

Where food tasted better and had no calories.

I think it would have been easier there.

The infuriating thing about grief is that I am unable

to schedule it's attacks on my composure.

When I most want to cry...

to release some pent up

sorrow and anger...

stubborn tears refuse to come.

Other times when all I want to do is

get through.....

Survive it all

without a scene

the tears fall effortlessly and uncontrollably.

One short, endless, year ago today,

I held her hand for the last time

as her soul took flight.

It was at once the most painful

moment of my life and the most

joyful.

Not good-bye.

Just.....

See you later, Mama.

Dance with Jesus for me.

Just sayin'.............

The Sad

2012-04-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

In years past I have liked the month of April.

One of my brothers was born in April and April 15th has long been a happily anticipated date for my family. It is the date that my father and my sister can finally quit working the loooooong week day hours and Saturdays of tax season.

Thank God for funny kids and funny co-workers who are more family than co-workers. I work in a place where something funny happens every day and that is a great place for people that need humor to survive.

I have been trying all week to chase away the sad with humor. Although it has helped me to keep tears at bay in front of little children it has been an epic battle.

The sad is a formidable foe that squeezes through the chinks in my armor more insidiously than a rumor spread during prayer requests in a Baptist church.

April has become a month of sad anniversaries.

The saddest being the anniversary of my mother's death here on earth.

While I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that my mother lives in heaven with Jesus now I still grieve her loss.

The grief is sometimes calmer now but there continue to be days when it slams into me like an F5 tornado wiping away every trace of composure I have managed to build.

There are still days when I reach for my phone once I am on my way home from work only to realize that once again I am automatically dialing her number.
And every.single.time. I walk through difficulty, pain or crisis I long for her presence and her words.

My mother told me once that she was afraid she would die of cancer as had so many of her relatives. I don't think it was a fear she dwelled on and she probably didn't even remember telling me. I never forgot though and her diagnosis was a silver shard of ice that pierced my heart.

She was sick for so long.
She went to the doctor time after time looking for answers.
I worried so much.
I wished I lived close enough to be able to run by her house on the way home for work. Not because I thought she wasn't being taken care of but because I am a person who's soul can't rest until I lay eyes and hands on the one I worry about.

Sixteen days.
It is all the time I had with Mama after the diagnosis.
It was not enough.
I was not done with her.

The old saying that God never gives you more than you can handle is untrue.
Losing her so quickly was far more than I could handle.
I wanted to listen to the waves with her one more time.
One more time I wanted to watch her slip her toes underneath a half buried sea shell and flip it over to see if it were worth bending over to pick up.
I wanted to sit together quietly once more. Each of us reading a good book.
I wanted to to hear her call me her precious angel a thousand more times.

Yes, I do believe that God allows us to be burdened with far, far more than we can handle.
It is part of this thing we call life.
The good news is that He is just one prayer away.
My mama taught me that.

Anyone who thinks that I could have taken care of my mama those last days and held her hand as she took those last breaths all by myself is crazy as a kid full of Easter candy.

It was the hardest and yet the most holy time of my life.

As I walk through another tough April I remind myself that all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other and remember to ask for help when I need it.

My mama taught me that too.

Just sayin'...............................

Aren't they cuter than a speckled pup?

OINK-Only IN Kindergarten

2012-04-18T17:15:00.000-07:00

I have this kid in my room this year who has to be the happiest person I have ever met.

I want to be just like him when I grow up.

To this bright spot in my day chairs are not for sitting.
In fact, he routinely falls from his chair for no apparent reason other than his own propensity to shake, rattle and roll.

Ever heard of planking?
It involves balancing one's stiffened body across an object.
He does it every day.

Sometimes he teeters across his chair.
Sometimes he has an elbow on the table and a knee on his chair.
I cannot begin to list the insane positions he has been able to achieve using only one small blue chair and the edge of his table.

Several times a day I realize that he has disappeared.
This usually results in an ~~exasperated~~ ever so slightly impatient ~~yell~~ redirection from his teacher and he pops up from under the table or under the chair.

And that face, that cute little face that belongs in an episode of The Little Rascals (look it up young people), has that smile on it.

And I can't help but smile back.
And I also forget that I am exasperated.
(Note to self-grin more, people will forget why they are annoyed.)

Today he hopped (really) across the room to interrupt me as I spoke with a co-worker.

We ignored him until we heard...IT.
One of those words you just don't want to hear in a classroom of five year olds.
One of those words you will spend ten or seventy minutes discussing with offended kids, giggling kids and curious kids.

We stopped in mid sentence to hear...

Mrs. Frazzled, Mrs. Frazzled! I dint bwing my pee-is to schoo' today! I dint bwing my peeis to schoo' today!

Huh? What? Wait! What did you say?

I dint bwing my peeis to schoo' today!

Ummmmmm, say that again I didn't understand you.

Big sigh-I dint bwing my pee-is to schoo'!

You didn't bring your.........(I can't say it so I substitute my next best guess) pants? to school today?

Another big sigh-I.dint.bwing.my.PEE-IS.to.schoo'.today.
(I know he was wondering why he had to be stuck with the deaf teacher)

Sweetie, I hear you I just don't know what you are saying.

He searched among the junk on my desk,
found what he needed and said even louder-I.dint.bwing.my.PEEIS.to.schoo'.today!

All this while holding a PENCIL two inches from my nose.

You see, Smiley has been purchasing a lead pencil from the school store on a daily basis for quite sometime. These pencils come inside a clear plastic tube.
Said tube makes a great light saber, a fabulous straw, an awesome telescope and a fantastic way to get the teacher to holler. It shouldn't surprise anyone that his teacher has been ~~urging~~ him to stop the retail therepy.

When I finished laughing we sat down to practice including the n and the l sounds in the word pencil!

I feel sorry for you people that have regular jobs.

Just sayin'......................................

Jesus Loves Me

2012-04-17T17:07:00.000-07:00

To the tune of the REAL Jesus Loves Me

Jesus loves me this I know.
He cares when I'm down and low.
He knows I don't remember real good
And leave my iPad on my hood.

Yes, Jesus loves me.
He knows just what thrills me.
Yes, Jesus knows me
I'll tell you how I know.

When I was driving home at last
I saw something black fly by real fast.
My heart stopped and I screamed,"Nooooooooooooooooo!"
My poor iPad is in the road.

Yes, Jesus loves me.
He knows just what thrills me.
Yes, Jesus knows me.

In the turn lane there she lay
I felt all hope slip away.
Jumping out I ran to her
She was shattered, I was sure.

Yes, Jesus loves me.
He knows just what thrills me.
Yes, Jesus knows me
I'll tell you how I know.

Even though so far she flew
My iPad was good as new.
Jesus knew this month is bad
So he saved my sweet iPad.

Yes, Jesus loves me.
He knows just what thrills me.
Yes, Jesus knows me
I'll tell you how I know.

This really did happen.
The month of April is really bad for me.
My iPad really did survive!
And I really do thank Jesus!

Just sayin'...........................