In This Life...

Are "WE" there yet and if so... is "THIS" it ?

2012-03-15T14:26:00.000-07:00

“We are homesick most for the places we have never known.” ― Carson McCullers

Discontentment and I go way back. We have spent many days together, entangled in each others arms. I know her foot steps by heart and I can pick her voice out of a 1000. While her company may not always be pleasant and her stay is ,at times, entirely too long, I have learned to appreciate her unwavering statement of truth, that...There is more to Life than this.

Is discontentment normal though ? does every one else experience it ? I have no idea. I think to some degree and at sometime during our lives, we all experience it. When I look around though, I see people everyday that are completely content with their careers, their schedules of life and they do it day after day, week after week, year after year. Appearing quite fulfilled and happy. Facebook is full of pictures of happy people doing happy things. Reality TV shows us just how exciting and happy the lives of others can be , especially the lives of the young, rich and famous. The happiness of today's 2012 seems to be equally bound together with worldly goods and an endless supply of Benjamin Franklin's. Neither of which I have. Nor do I have a desire to toil away nite and day in order to obtain them. Don't get me wrong. My earthly-self is a sucker for a nice hand bag, expensive makeup that glides on like silk, and sheets w/ at least 1000 thread count.And Satine, they MUST be Satine. But do they make me happy ? No.I don't think they do. They make me feel good. Could I do without them ? Sure. I could easily do without them. But, I like things that make me feel good. Earthly good. Yes,be they short lived. I like them. I really, really like them.

In fact, my earthly-self loves them.

She loves the way expensive makeup melts into her skin like butter and it's ability to illuminate and disguise all at the same time.The scent it leaves on her skin. When she put's on makeup, she feel's good.

She loves the way that her sheets glide across her skin. Inhaling their freshly laundered essence as she slips into bed. When she curls up underneath them, She feel's good.

She loves the smell of a newly bought hand bag, how the zipper when zipped closed or opened sounds tart and crisp. How the baubles and hardware of the bag are smooth and lustrous. How her wallet, make-up bag, hair brush and lip glosses are all tucked safely inside. When she carries it on her shoulder and when she takes her treasures in and out of it ...She feel's good.

All of these things make my earthly-self feel good, sometimes even a little better than good.But they are not enough to make and keep my soul-woman happily content.

On the other hand, many times in life I find my soul-woman content in things that do not necessarily make my earthly-self feel good.

My soul-woman feels good when she keeps her mind on the things not of this world...when she ponders on the thoughts and ways of her Abba, the task at hand..appointed by her Jehovah Jireh and when she sets her gaze on eternity instead of the fruitless requirements of the present.She is happily content to stay here. In this place...forever.

My earthly-woman however, feels quite uncomfortable, at times, in that place. She is often distracted and enticed by the lights and bustle of her temporary earthly home. Status and envy often cloud her view. And She blindly reaches for false securities and Idle worship. As she clings fiercely to her earthly nature, sinking deeper and deeper into a sea of complacence and repetition, her soul-woman whispers...

A Whispering that beckons the return of a familiar voice...one she has heard 1ooo times before...foot steps she has heard 1000 times over.

I struggle daily with life and where I fit. I struggle with materialistic demons and world-wide views.

I struggle with not feeling content yet still unable to find out EXACTLY where contentment lies and what it is.

I struggle with hearing a calling deep within my soul-woman,but feeling helpless to answer because my earthly-self doubts it's efficacy and Abba created design.

I struggle with doubt, with fear and with boredom. Usually simultaneously.

I struggle with the thought of... Why does everyone else seem so content with their lives, and Why am I not ?

I struggle with things that make my soul cringe but make my flesh feel incredibly good.

I struggle with wanting to heal the sick, feed the poor and love the unlovable all the while carrying a Louis Vuitton speedy 35 on my forearm, NARS foundation on my face and 1000 thread count Satine sheets draped around my neck.

Disgusting isn't it.....

But, it is the truth...

and the Truth is often Ugly...

I just know that my longing for something more means either that...God placed it deep with in the fabric of my being and I am not where he needs me to be.

I am crazy..(which I know I AM NOT, well, maybe there is that one week out of the month..every single month...in which I am definitely crazy...all other weeks aside, I am not)

So if your Soul-woman or Soul-man leaps in your chest as you read this, just now you are not alone,and there are others out there, struggling just the same and feeling just as confused.

And for all the ones that aren't and are perfectly content...you guys are probably the crazy ones.

Kidding. well, kind-of.

Rollin' in the Deep...

2012-02-05T11:46:00.000-08:00

When I said, "my foot is slipping," your love,O Lord supported me. When anxiety was great within me,Your consolation brought joy to my soul. ( Psalms 94:18-19)

Man, oh Man. I think I have spent the last several weeks in a mode of constant prayer.And when I say prayer I don't mean the "thankful" type, I mean the "uncontrollable crying, questioning, pleading, begging followed by more hysterical
crying" type. I miss my grandpa more than I can even say...or really even understand. Trying to comfort myself by reminding myself that he is in a better place is of no consolation. It seems only to make my sadness heavier and sharpens the ache by reminding me that he is no longer here.

Death sucks. Period. It's just does not feel natural.

I want eternal. I was made for eternity and to spend eternity with the ones I love. Maybe that's why it is so very hard and I don't understand it. Because God in his infinite wisdom, created us eternal.It doesn't feel natural, because, for us, it's just isn't.He created us in his image and his image is eternal.

I yearn for eternity because it was placed within me, deep within my spirit.
My earthly mind tells me one thing but my eternal soul rebukes it, for it knows better...My soul knows that it was indeed created for eternity because my Abba calls out to it day and night. “Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.” Psalms 42:7

I will cling to my Abba's promise that "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in their hearts, yet so that man can't find out the work that God has done from the beginning even to the end."( Ecclesiastes 3:11)

Precious gems placed amongst the thorns...

2012-01-31T19:03:00.000-08:00

Babies and Baby dolls. Strollers and cradles. Baby bibs and bonnets with sweet lace trim . Black patten shoes with bows on the toes and white ruffled socks. Baby bottles and pacifiers. Baby powder and cloth diapers. Motherhood and mothering, children and husband, cooking and cleaning.
These were the blueprints of my childhood dreams....

As I child, I was baby-doll crazy. I was down right BABY obsessed. I loved baby dolls and babies of all sizes, shapes and colors. Chubby babies, skinny babies, red haired babies and bald babies. Happy babies, crying babies, smelly babies and sticky babies, I loved them all. For every Birthday and Christmas, I had one request and one alone. I asked for baby dolls and baby paraphernalia. And if I received money as a gift instead , I just bought baby dolls. I had hundreds. I was 13 years old when I purchased my last baby doll. 2 years later I had my very own . A real baby. What a doll baby she was. She had raven black hair, almond skin and black sparkly eyes. She cried , laughed and cooed . I rocked her and loved her. I bathed her and held her. I sang to her and we played patty cake and peek-a-boo. I loved her and she was mine. All mine. My very own baby. A baby that I could love forever and in return she would love me back.

Then...
she turned 2 days old and life, as I knew it, ceased to exist.
Life from that point on was hard. Heavy-hard. Hard-pull your hair out hard - wanna run away hard. What in the world have I done ?- hard.
But, I endured and multiplied yet again and again.
Then life was EXTREMELY hard or wait, was it ? hmmm. I don't even remember, really. Lack of sleep, and 3 babies all under the age of 5 can have that kind of effect on the brain. Little babies reliant on a mom barely in her 20's, who, spent her childhood playing baby doll. Yeah- that must have been hard. Yeah- that was hard.It was also magical. It was fulfilling and wholesome.I felt, dare I say it ? In my Element. Like everything, even as chaotic and overwhelming as it was, at times, finally made sense. Well, to me anyways. The Older and wiser had other thoughts. But ,for me , my spirit was breathing.Finally breathing. A fiery breath whose smoldering embers sparked life and re-newel. A continual inhale of adoration and exhale of love.Unencumbered and unrelenting love. Love in it's Purest form was manifested, there , right there, in the heartbeats of my children.A love I had been born to bear. Bearer of great love, unyielding, undying love. LOVE. The stuff my childhood dreams were made of. Love had finally found me , smack-dab in the middle of my teen age years.
There is definitely something to be said of teen mother-dom. It is hard and fast. Did I say fast ? I mean at speed of light-get you a pair of great running shoes- fast. I had a pair. They were 5 times too large but I placed them on my feet and in true, teen-mom spirit I climbed upon the proverbial hamster wheel and started running. I ran and ran and ran. Then I ran some more.Days turned into weeks , weeks into months AND Then months turned into years.Until, finally, exhausted I stepped off the wheel and scanned my cage to look for my cuddly hamster babies. I scratched my head in confusion as my eyes fell upon 2 Hamster teens and 1 Hamster adult "Who are you and where are my hamster pups"? To which they replied, in unison,( because that's what teen hamsters do) "Jeez mom, GET A GRIP , you are losing it. Oh, can I have some gas money"?

Babies, and baby dolls. Hamster pups and Hamster teens. Running shoes and Hamster wheels. And so are the days of our lives.

The days of my life were predestined. This great yearning to be a mother was placed within me.
I was born to be a Mother, a Wife and a Home Maker. None of these were learned or taught. They came as natural as breathing and as steady as the rhythm of my beating heart.Sewn into the innermost fabric of my being, and draped upon my heart was a sign that read "Babies apply here".

13.For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made, marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

15 My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

16 Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being imperfect; and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them.

17 How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the sum of them!

18 If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand: when I awake, I am still with thee. Psalm 139:13-18

So maybe I skipped ahead a few chapters in my life. Maybe I reached the half way mark before I even left the starting line. Maybe I chose shoes that were 5 sizes too big to run my amazing race and maybe I headed down the hard path that was littered with jagged stones and sharp thorns ....And maybe , just maybe. My Abba ,set the path apart...along with the TOO big shoes. And Maybe, My Abba placed precious gems amongst the thorns to keep me from loosing my way...

Moving through sadness

2012-01-14T17:43:00.000-08:00

As I sit drowning in sadness at the death of my granddad, I am compelled to transform my feelings into words and spew them onto paper...a urge I have resisted far too many times in recent years.
I loved my granddad.I loved him like a father.He was to me, the only Father I knew for many years. He was a father to the fatherless.

He did everything a Father does for his daughter.He took me to Disney world, he taught me how to swim, fish and to tie my shoes.He made the best mayonnaise, tomato and onion sandwiches known to man. Every Easter, growing up, he took me shopping for an Easter dress. He bought me a pony, a Shetland pony named duchess, she was a little girls dream, she had a cream colored mane with a butterscotch coat. He took me to school every single day, until I reached the 5th grade.He took me to the dentist to have my 1st tooth pulled when I was 7 and was the first one by my side when I had to get stitches the first time. He dressed up as Santa on Christmas and brought me a Barbie house, he gave me my first raggedy Ann doll...
We prayed the prayer of salvation together when I was 12 and I watched him cry at my baptism. He taught me to drive when I was 10. We picked out my 1st car together when I was 17. He walked me down the aisle and gave me away at my wedding.

He had the kindest blue eyes that danced in the light and large soft hands that dusted my scraped and scuffed knees. He was pure and gentle. He was forgiving and merciful. He was generous and loving. He was funny and brilliant. He was a light in the darkness and He was Gods grace to a little girl who was born without...
In every essence of the word Father ....to me, he was.

While my heart is over joyed in knowing, that, he now walks beside his savior in the garden and revels in the splendor of our Lord. My heart aches with a sadness It has never known before.

In the daylight it is numbing, and listless , rendering me useless and flat. And As the sun fades and enters her rest, the sadness becomes enraged , It is engulfing, wrenching and suffocating.

Yet in the darkest depths of my sorrows , he is there. Yes. He is here. I feel his presence, I hear his words in my heart. Like a constant melody.
Leading, soothing, healing and loving.
My cries in the night do not fall onto deaf ears ,but onto those of a living God. A living, breathing, saving God.
As I lay my head to rest tonight, in angst of the funeral tomorrow, I am also reminded that as I Lay my earthly Father to rest . My Eternal Abba lives.