People I Want to Punch in the Throat

Exciting News - A Couple People Like Me

2012-06-01T08:18:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I noticed that Huffington Post featured me as one of the Best of the Mom and Dad Blogs This Week. They liked my Tina Fey update. Maybe Tina reads HuffPo and she'll see what I wrote.

And then last night I got some exciting news. I heard from the Editors at BlogHer.com that I've been chosen to be a Voices of the Year Honoree and I'll be honored at the 2012 BlogHer Conference in New York City. I submitted two posts to the judges. One was my Elf on the Shelf (of course) and the other was a newer post I just wrote a few months ago: Inside MY Closet.

Inside MY Closet was the winner!

I'm actually really pleased they picked Inside MY Closet. I think it's one of the funniest posts I've written and I'm glad that someone else besides me thought so too. Check it out!

I am planning on attending BlogHer '12 in NYC on August 2-4. Are you? We could hang out in Rock Center and see if Tina takes a lunch break.

Dog Pedicures

2012-05-31T10:07:00.000-05:00

OK, so I already hate the trend right now where everyone paints shit on their nails. Who needs stupid owls or polka dots? When did this happen? What's wrong with pink or a simple French manicure? Why did it have to get so fucking complicated? Why do we feel the need to bling everything? They're fucking nails. They help you pick your nose and dig shit out small crevices. There is no need to make them works of art.

The human nail obsession has been driving me crazy for a while, but today I saw something that pushed me over the edge: Doggy Pedicures. Not just a usual toenail clipping or something like that. Nope. Dog owners have decided they want their pup's paws to look as ridiculous as their own. There is not one, but TWO companies, that make nail polish for dogs. (BTW, I didn't even know a dog needed special nail polish. If human nail polish isn't good enough for a dog what the fuck are we putting on our nails??)

I spend a lot of time ranting against overachieving mommies and now it's overachieving dog mommies' turn:

You look like an ass when you walk your bedazzled dog.

Absolutely not. Stop this nonsense right now. It's ridiculous. I know you love your dog, but come on, your dog looks stupid. It's a dog! She's an animal who uses that bejeweled paw to scratch her ass. She digs in the dirt and slobbers. Your dog does not want to be "spoiled and pampered." Your dog wants you to pet him and take him for a walk and not forget to feed him. My guess is, if you take your dog for a pedicure that will make him look like a hooker, he will hate you. Plus, this is such a waste of money. Stop spending money on dog Pawlish and send that money to the Humane Society or something.

Where does it stop? Apparently humans have run out of things to dye, pluck, enhance, bejewel or laser so now we've moved onto our pets. Right now, it's just dye jobs and pedicures, but I'm afraid that soon you'll see a bulldog with her owner's face tattooed on her tummy or a badass Doberman with his ears pierced or a sure sign of Apocalypse: a vagazzled Chihuahua.

Photo: Dog.community

I Hear You, Tina, Loud and Clear

2012-05-29T09:21:00.000-05:00

Many of you know that I have a mean girl crush on Tina Fey. On Valentine's Day I wrote a letter to her and I asked everyone to share it so it would hopefully get to Tina. I whored myself out that day by tweeting it to just about every castmember of "30 Rock" and "SNL" with the hopes that someone would get it to Tina so she would call me and let me take her to lunch. I still haven't heard from Tina...directly...but I'm no dummy and I'm pretty sure she's trying to contact me and I want her to know: Message received - loud and clear, Colonel.

I'll fill you in. I was watching the "Murphy Brown Lied to Us" episode of "30 Rock" the other night and I saw that in the first minute she sent me a clear message that she's been reading the blog and she's been starting to understand me.

I'm a moron and I can't figure out how to embed a video from Hulu so I'll just put the link here. Watch the first minute of this episode of and you will see Tina's homage to me. I'll just wait 'til you're done.

Did you see it? It was right there. It was so obvious. OH. EM. GEE. Hellooooo. She's wearing overalls! If you've been reading for awhile now, you'll know that overalls are very meaningful to me. I wore overalls on my first date with the Hubs. Have you ever really seen overalls on a TV show? Nope. This is definitely a message for me. A message that says, I totally get your love and fascination of overalls, Jen, and I am right there with you. They are comfortable and perfect for any kind of project. You are a genius for re-introducing me to them.

Annndddd....did you notice? She has a baby book with the name "Adolph" circled in it. I call my daughter "Adolpha" on the blog. It's not a real name and it would sound entirely made up if she used that name on "30 Rock," so instead she had to use Adolph. It was a little cryptic, but I got it. I saw what she was doing there.

"Are you getting it, Jeneral?"

It was so simple to crack her code, don't you think?

Tina is communicating with me! I think she's still a little nervous to reach out directly, because she's worried I could be a crazy lady. I don't blame her. She's got to be careful. I understand.

So I just want to tell her: I'm not crazy, Tina, I swear. I know, I know. Crazy people always say that, but I mean it. I don't know if you heard or not, but I'm looking to expand my circle and add another friend or two. I think you could totally make the cut if you wanted to, y'know...hang. Or we could just be pen pals, I'm good with that too. You let me know. Until then, I'll be watching for more signs.

UPDATE:

Judah AKA Frank from "30 Rock" says "I'm on it." If Judah will make this happen, he will get my vote for President!

Weekly Wrap Up 5.26.12

2012-05-27T08:33:00.000-05:00

This was a fun week. Both of my kids finished school this week, Adolpha got her cast off (if you didn't know Adolpha had a cast, you can read about it here) and we've already had 2 playdates to kick off the summer right. Woohoo - bring on pool time, free bowling and cheap movies, we're ready!

Many of you follow me at Facebook and I thank you for that. It's a great way to communicate with one another and get new posts to you. That being said, FB is being an asshat about feeds. Many, many, many of the people who are following me on FB are not seeing me pop up in their feeds anymore and so they're missing out on new posts. Please take a minute follow me on the blog so that you will be alerted by Blogger (not an asshat) every time there is something new to read. Here's how you do it:

1. Go here.
2. Scroll down below popular posts (right hand column).
3. Keep going past Top 25 moms thing, Google, Pinterest, Stumbleupon and Kidscoop.
4. Subscribe in a reader. This is one option. If you want that, select that, if you don't, keep going to the next one.
5. Join This Site - Followers button. Hit that and you're done. Don't want that either? Keep going down.
6. Follow by email. Put in your email address and you'll get an email each time I post.

Don't miss out by relying on FB to keep you up to date. Twitter isn't being a bitch, so you could opt for that too if you'd like.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Friends are Hard to Find - Whoa this was a big one. When I wrote this piece I thought maybe, MAYBE, 10 people would agree with me. Who knew so many of us felt this way? This piece was shared all over and I heard from so many of you offering to be my friend (thank you very much) and asking for a Friends Party in your town. I have picked the date, Thursday, June 21 and I've scheduled several around the country. You can see them all by clicking the EVENTS button on the top right hand side of the Facebook page or here is a link. If you don't see your city and you're willing to take charge, email me and let me know and I'll make a page for you too. Even though I'm the "host" of all of these events, I obviously cannot be at all of them that night, so I'll need someone to take charge and pick a venue and a time. I will publicize it for you and I'll send you some ice breaker stuff. Invite your friends and have them invite theirs too. Even if you meet one new person you can get along with, my job will be done.

BTW, many of you are saying how much we're alike and I don't doubt that. Because we are so much alike, I'm a bit worried these events are going to be busts, because I am the type of person to be excited about going and then about 4 PM the day of I'll say: Eh, they're all gonna suck. I won't like anyone and they won't like me. I don't want to get out of my pajamas. I think there's a Real Housewives rerun on tonight. I'm going to stay home. DO NOT DO THAT. Just try it. It's one night. You can go in sweatpants for all I care. Just go.

Don't let this be you.

As for the guys, sorry Charlie, this is chicks only. I appreciate that you want to be our friend too, but there's a special bond between ladies and that's what we're looking for. Also, put yourself in our shoes: we tell our families that we're going out for the night to meet some internet people and yeah, there will be some guys there too. In the immortal words of a 13 year old girl: It makes you seem like a creeper. I promise, if you ask me, I will organize something else for you guys.

Mini Punch Tuesday - I haven't done a list of mini punches in a long time and it felt good to do those again. I'm pissed, because last night I woke up in the middle of the night with at least two for a list for this week and now I can't remember them. I need a damn notebook by my bedside. (Did you see what I just did there? I did a sly pimp of my new products store. I'm adding to it all the time, so keep checking back and let me know if there's something in particular you'd like to buy that you don't see.)

Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To - If you have not watched "GIRLS" yet on HBO, please stop reading and go watch right now. Yes, it's awkward and uncomfortable, but I dare you not to laugh. This show has brought up so many memories that I buried deeply over 20 years ago and we are all better for it. Honestly, who didn't laugh at this post?

There were several recurring questions and I'll try to get them all: 1. I have no idea what the women there used back in the 90s. I'm guessing we use the phrase "on the rag" for a reason. The selection of any type of goods was so limited and so basic that toiletries were a real luxury. 2. Looking back with 20 years of life experience under my belt, yes, it was a kind and generous and sweet gift. As a selfish American 20 year old, I was mostly horrified that anyone even suspected that I needed such things. 3. He was a nice boy at the time, we did hang out for a bit longer and I enjoyed his company until he became an asshole. We are no longer in touch, although I wouldn't be surprised if I hear from him now. He tends to pop up over the years. Last I heard he had one kid and two ex-wives. I guess his gift-giving did not get any better with age. 4. The people who oohed and ahhed were mostly doing it to be polite. I shoved them back in the bag right away and hid the bag with my jacket and stuff. One girl did ask to see them up close later that evening. 5. Yes, he was that formal. He learned British English from a proper British teacher. Whenever I would come to his dorm room to visit, he would open the door and say, "You are welcome." and I would always think: For what? What crazy gift did he give me that I forgot about? and then I'd realize, I am welcome...welcome in his home.

50 Shades of Grey - The PIWTPITT Review - Hanging on to the top posts list for an explosive second week! This is a MUST READ!

New Posts at Babble.com This Week:

Today I Made Good on My Bribe

Saying Goodbye to Our Preschool Teachers Was Harder for Me Than My Kids

My Favorite Comments (and My Reply if Necessary):

I have a friend who went to live in Australia for a while. She heard that condoms were hard to get there, so she decided to take a supply thinking that, if worst came to worst, she could make her own condom black market. So she had all of of these boxes of condoms in her luggage (I think something like 15 or 20...she wasn't kidding), and they searched her luggage at customs. She had to stand there while some Aussie customs agent kept pulling box after box after box of condoms out of her luggage. She was MORTIFIED! [Sorry, I just went even further off topic, but your mention of Australia reminded me of this other funny story.] on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

Duuuude, we are meant to be friends. I AM this list. ;) on Friends are Hard to Find

I know! I agree!!

This has just made the top 5 funniest things I have EVER read. Awesome. on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

I hope I wrote the other 4 as well.

"You are a big girl, I thought you might have a big menses." You might have gotten a hedge trimmer too if you explained it was like a jungle down there.... on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

OMG loved the posting. What a story I am still laughing. I once sent hubby in for mine, he came out with a bad- of Depends I was so PO'd at the time, bcuz now I had to go in and exchanged this mess. We can laugh about it now. I mean seriously who could confuse a box with a bag? :) Thanks for the laugh on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

I was dating a dentist and he gave me an electric toothbrush. I opened it up and asked, "Is this a joke?" He looked back at me like I shot his dog. We broke up soon after. on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

Gum disease is no laughing matter. OK, yeah it is.

LOL!!! I almost snorted my Diet Coke reading this! I've been to several Eastern European countries in the past 5 years and thankfully the conditions are much improved. Except for Moscow's airports - I once couldn't find any TP in the whole damn airport when I had a bad case of the runs. That was awful. on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

"You are a big girl, I thought you might have a big menses." OMG. Seriously, I just spat bagel on my computer screen as I read that. Oops. In other news, I was the crazy girl at CVS buying boxes of tampax on sale for $3, opening them on the counter to get the "$2 off" coupon out and then buying the next box for $1, and so on and so on, until I had about 20 boxes. No, I'm not going to Russia, just Australia, but apparently they don't believe in applicator tampons there, and after a year in the US I am now a convert! on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

My husband used to work in the store room of a mental hospital *no we did not meet there*. The first time he got a requisition for sanitary napkins he went to his boss and asked what the difference was between the "sanitary napkins" and the regular ones. His boss nearly wet himself. Hubby has never lived it down. on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

I have to go to IT and get a new keyboard. I spewed iced tea all over it. That was the most hilarious thing I've read today. on Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

Wow. You now have a gazillion ladies vying to be you BFF. Reading the responses is like watching an episode of "The Bachelor," only I can't make fun of all of the horrific dresses everyone is wearing. I think you sound like a fantastic friend, but I honestly don't think I could be your best friend. If we were friends, I'd constantly be checking your blog posts to see if you wrote something brilliant or scathing about something I did or said. And if I laughed too hard at one of your rants and accidentally peed my pants (because I refuse to do kegel exercises), I'd worry that millions of folks would read all about it the next day. And while I LOVE the idea of being totally honest and open with you as my new besty, I'd be nervous that on more than one occasion, you would definitely, most certainly want to punch me in the throat. Maybe you would hate my ketchup addiction. Maybe you'd want to punch me for putting up with my husband's occasional super crappy behavior. Or for the fact on Friends are Hard to Find

Jen, you literally took the words out of my mouth while I was reading that. I think we would get along so great! Here's my case: My husband in the real estate biz We both work from home We have two kids of the same general age as yours (although I think the genders are switched, our girl is older than the boy) I cuss like a fucking sailor and I love it (the notion of "naughty words" is completely ridiculous to me) I tease because I love I'm sooooo not crafty or OAMish I am anti everyone-is-special, everyone-gets-an-award (you show up for practice, you play hard, you win, you get a trophy, you don't get one because mommy and daddy write a check, its called EARNING your reward!) My hubs hates everyone too (must be a guy thing) I'm in Olathe! Case closed, I'm your new BFF. Congratulations! on Friends are Hard to Find

Boom. Done. Wait a minute, how are we going to split our RE referrals? We'll be poaching each other's friends. That could get ugly.

Jen - Dan here....you guys know you are only a short, 8 hour drive to the Big D (well actually the Big F, but that sounds dirty). Come down to see your Uncle and you can double dip again :-) on Friends are Hard to Find

I had no idea you could be dirty, Dan. Nice one with the Big F. Believe me, the Big F is on our list and you will not be excluded from the roundup. Thanks for the invite!! Much love to you guys.

Jen, wow girl. Look at what you are doing here.. You better get that damn elf a halo because this is amazing. You don't know me from boo but I'm proud of you! I've been with you since this started and watching your little blog mature and I think it's fabulous what your doing here. Don't get too "Oprah" on us now, but I do hope you find enough "Gails" to keep you happy! Staying tuned! Your friend, Heather :0) on Friends are Hard to Find

Oh God, if I get "Oprah" please someone kick me.

So I have a couple of friends that I like and like me (which is a rare and interesting combo). I also have 3 boys under 3 so I have no life and need friends that dig that. Anyhow. I'm leaving my friends and moving to the Netherlands. If by chance any of your readers are in the Tilburg, vicninity- I'm coming this October. Let's hook up so we can make fun of wooden shoes together. on Friends are Hard to Find

Please tell me there is at least one person in Tilburg that reads this....how cool would that be?

Hi, I'm Jenn - I'd like to apply for the friend position... I'm a Jersey girl, so you already know that I an dish it out AND take it. I'm not afraid to be me or let you be you... If your bill is full, it's all good - put me on the waiting list. I'll also forget too - so if one of us calls the other at random for a drinkie poo - I'm all in! :) PS. Loved this ... I will be another to say, "Were we separated at birth?" on Friends are Hard to Find

Wow, this sounds like me exept I can cook ;)Luckily I do have a bunch of friend like you are looking for. If you ever come to Iceland we could take you out for a drink or two and teach you some icelandic swear words ;) (my spelling is probably off since english isn´t my first language, oh well) on Friends are Hard to Find

Iceland is on my bucket list.

I just read 50 Shades of Grey. Honestly I wanted to slap the crap out of the main female character myself for all her whining but it was an easy read. BTW it is porn. I don't usually like romance-y type books but after the first sweaty sex scene in the book I became inspired. I went and made out so hard with the hubs I had to ice my tenders. Never done that before... on What Are You Reading?

"ice my tenders" I will be stealing that in the future. Hilarious.

Completely Inappropriate Gifts from Guys You're Attracted To

2012-05-25T09:54:00.000-05:00

Remember when I told you about my interview where I said I was a koala? It was because I was watching the absolutely brilliant HBO show, "GIRLS." Watching Hannah squirm her way through an uncomfortable interview reminded me about my koala interview from years ago.

This week, she met a pharmacist that she dug and he gave her a free bottle of lube...for her mom. This reminded me of another flashback from my past: completely inappropriate gifts from guys you're attracted to.

I was in college and I was studying abroad during the summer. I was living in an Eastern European country with very few of the comforts of home (remember this is the early 90s, McDonald's hadn't even arrived yet). I had been warned to pack essentials like toilet paper and toothpaste and most importantly, tampons. My roommate had ignored that part of the list and came ill-prepared. On day one, Aunt Flow came to visit and she was freaking out. I told her she could use some of my supplies until we found a drugstore and then she could get some of her own.

Every day we looked around for a place to purchase tampons. Then we looked for sanitary napkins (the horror, but they would have to do). Finally we just hoped to find some clean rags she could stuff in her pants. Flow came and went for her and she ran through my entire supply. I was up shit creek.

In the meantime, I had a met a cute boy and I was busy flirting awkwardly with him rather than focusing on the pressing need that was coming in 14 short days. Every time he took me out I'd ask him to find a "special" type of store. I started with asking for a pharmacy. They did not have what I needed. I asked for a grocery store. Not even close. I asked for a "woman's store." He did not know what the fuck I was talking about. Every time we went out I would run into any random store I saw that I had not been in already.

Finally, it was almost d-day and the panic was setting in. Obviously this boy could feel it. Finally, he sat me down and said in his thick Eastern European accent, "Jen, tell me what you are looking for. I can help you find it."

I was too embarrassed to tell him what I needed. I refused.

"Jen, it is upsetting you and I want to help you. Is it a special souvenir you would like?" A souvenir?? Not even close.

The night before Aunt Flow was scheduled to make her appearance I broke down and told him what I needed. It only took an English to Russian dictionary, a little bit of charades and finally a hand drawn picture of various Kotex/O.B./Tampax boxes. "Do you know where I can find these?" I asked hopefully.

"Yes," he replied. "but it will be expensive. You can only get them on the black market."

"I don't care. I'll pay. I have dollars. How much to get them tonight?"

"I do not know. Maybe twenty?" he said.

"Fine. Whatever. Just get them, please." We arranged for him to go and see what he could find on the "black market" (I actually thought it was an actual market and asked if I could go and do some shopping) and then meet later that night at a party.

I got to the party before him. I was hanging with my new cool European friends when he walked in with a plastic bag. "I have a gift for you," he said.

"Great. Thanks. I owe ya," I said and I tried to swipe the bag from him before everyone could see what he had.

"No, Jen," he said pulling the bag out of my reach. "In this country, gifts are very special. You must be presented just right or else the gift is spoiled."

"I don't want a gift. I will pay you for them," I hissed.

"No. I insist. I have not bought you anything to remember me by," he said. "I want to give you this as a gift." Remember you by?? Are you kidding me?? They're tampons. I'm not going to save one to remember you by.

Now everyone was gathering around to see what amazing gift my new cute friend was going to give me to remember him by. I was dying inside.

He made a huge production of pulling out a giant box of Tampax. "Ooooh," a few said.

"I present this gift of Tampax to you. It is my pleasure to give you this gift. I got you the big box. I did not know how many you would need. You are a big girl, I thought you might have a big menses."

He's right. I never forgot him. His gift was one of the most memorable I've ever received.

A gift?

Friends are Hard to Find

2012-05-23T09:52:00.000-05:00

I know this will be hard for many of you to believe, but I don't have many friends. (This is where you say, Duh!)

I have many acquaintances, but not too many close friends. It's hard for me to find people who I can stand to be around and who can stand to be around me.

The other night the Hubs and I were lamenting that summer is coming and we don't have anyone to play with other than our 2 or 3 friends who we probably overwhelm and drown with attention. We realized we probably need another friend or two to take some of the heat before we run off the few we actually have.

(Actually, the Hubs doesn't give a shit. He'd be happy to hang out with me all day. Awww. Blech. No offense to the Hubs, but I need more than him. I need some social interaction and not with a bunch of douchey dads or Dolce moms.)

So I'm on the hunt for another friend or two. I don't think it's going to be easy. I am no peach. I get it. A lot of the reason I don't have many close friends is because I am a fairly crappy friend. I'm going to be honest with you. I tend to forget important dates like birthdays, anniversaries, scheduled surgeries, lunch dates, etc. I have great intentions to call and catch up with my friends more than once a month, but I blink and suddenly it's been 3 months and then I think, Eh, if she wanted to talk to me, she would have called me. We must not be as close as I thought. I would love to have my friends over for a meal, but I'm a terrible cook and it would just be better for everyone if we went out for a meal. I have a sense of humor that can be tough to accept. I show I love my friends by teasing them and not everyone can take a good teasing. I'm getting better at this and I've figured out who can take it and who can't and I'm dialing it down, but it's still hard for me to remember.

Sometimes it's like grade school all over again and trying to find someone you enjoy eating lunch with. I'd just like to find a friend (or two) who has these qualities:

1. Be real. That's all I want. Just be real. Just be yourself, even if yourself is annoying, I'll respect you and like you for being yourself.

2. Be able to laugh. A lot. Laugh at yourself, laugh at people around you, laugh at situations you find yourself in, laugh your ass off at me. Just laugh. I can't tell you how many women I've met lately who are afraid to laugh. They smile a bit, but no one guffaws anymore. Not even a chortle.

You gotta just let it go. If you think something is funny, I want to hear your donkey bray laugh and your snort. I'd love a good coffee spray.

3. Be spontaneous. I'm not the best at this, but I'd like to get better, so I figure if I find a friend who is spontaneous, you'll force me to be too. It doesn't have be a Thelma & Louise-style cross country excursion, it can just be Let's grab some dinner and hit the park in an hour or Let's go get pedicures tomorrow.

4. Be accepting. I am who I am. I can't change anymore than you can so I need you to accept me the way I am.

5. Be a little crass. I drop the F bomb like a truck driver and I think it's funny to talk about things like: "Who would ever think it's a good idea to freeze their hand blown glass dildo? They actually have to warn you about that?"

6. Be confident. We all have our down days where we need someone to give us a pep talk and that's fine, but I can't be friends with someone who is constantly down on herself, her marriage, her abilities, etc. and won't take the advice she gets when she asks for it.

7. Be open. I want to know you. I want to know alllll about you. I live for your dramas and I love to hear them over and over again. (Seriously.)

8. Be open and dramatic, but don't be crazy. I don't know how else to say this. I just don't want to ride the crazy train all the time. I don't need a friend who is warm and friendly one minute and then cold and bitchy the next depending upon who she's hanging with at the time. That's the kind of drama I don't want.

9. Have a spouse the Hubs can play with. It's much easier for me to sneak away for Girls' Night Out if he can have some friends to hang with too.

10. This pretty much sums up my ideal friend:

11. Be unique and interesting. I don't know what exactly makes a person unique and interesting, but let's start with her being able to keep up her end of a conversation and it can't be about the weather. I won't mind if all my friend can say is "I think the Kardashians are smart businesswomen." I may disagree with her completely, but at least she has an opinion and I like that. BTW my response to that statement would be, "Those women may run 'businesses,' but their entire business centers around staging fake, headline-grabbing relationships and being rewarded for leaking sex tapes and music videos that are sex tapes set to music. I will call these girls and their Machiavellian mother many things, but busineswoman is not one of them."

I know I'm not alone with this lament. I know there are some of you out there feeling the same way. I've had some requests to help people connect with other PIWTPITT readers in their city. If you're interesting in meeting some fellow punchies speak up in the comments and if there's enough interest, I'll designate a night in June as PIWTPITT Meet a New Friend Night. If the Ya-Yas can do it, we surely can.

UPDATE: I GOT SUCH AN OVERWHELMING RESPONSE THAT I'VE PICKED A DAY: THURSDAY, JUNE 21. I'VE STARTED MAKING EVENTS ON MY FACEBOOK PAGE, SO DON'T BE LEFT BEHIND. CHECK AND SEE IF THERE IS A CITY NEAR YOU. OBVIOUSLY I CAN'T BE AT ANY OF THESE, SO I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO BE IN CHARGE AND PICK A LOCATION AND TIME IN YOUR CITY. PLEASE SEND ME AN EMAIL IF YOU CAN DO THAT.

JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR - THIS IS FOR LADIES ONLY. THIS IS LADIES NIGHT. GUYS, IF YOU WANT A NIGHT, GO PLAN IT ON THE HUBS' PAGE. WOMEN NEED TO BE FRIENDS WITH OTHER WOMEN. WE'RE NOT LOOKING FOR FELLAS.

Don't worry, guys, I'm not leaving you out. If you want a Guys' Night Out, let The Hubs know and he'll hook you up.

Share this with a friend!

Mini Punch Tuesday

2012-05-22T09:57:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile, but I've got some mini punches I'd like to share.

1. Desmond Hatchett - AKA The Jackhole with 30 Kids. Have you heard about Desmond yet? This guy is a real gem. He's 33 years old and he has 30 kids with 11 women. WTF? The shocking part of this story (besides the fact that women continue to have unprotected sex with this guy) is that he makes minimum wage and can't possibly support these kids. The courts have garnished his wages and divided it among his children's mothers and some only get $1.50 a month and since that can't buy shit anyway, he's decided he'd like his money back.

I tell you what, Desmond, you can have your money back and you can walk away from your responsibilities as soon as you let the state sterilize your stupid ass. I don't usually support the violation of people's rights and their bodies, but what the hell? This guy should be fitted with a padlock on his drawers. He obviously cannot make decisions with anything other than his dick and he needs to have all access to it cut off immediately.

2. The Lady in the Silver Lexus on 69 South Highway & the 151st St Exit Thursday Afternoon. This one is personal. I hope it finds her. It's sort of like those Desperately Seeking Susan ads only I desperately want to punch this woman. She's about 40 and she wears a Bump-It in the front of her head. She had big bug eyed sunglasses and manicured nails (I noticed when she gave me the bird) and she drives like a blind person. This is for her:

What the fuck is your problem, lady? Am I invisible? Did you see my car when you decided at the last possible second to exit from the furthest lane? Or did you just think I'd move and let you in? Good thing I slammed on my brakes or else you would have run right into the side of my car, you twat. I can't even believe YOU actually got mad at ME when I honked at your stupid ass and flipped you off. I can't believe YOU told ME to fuck off. Maybe if you got off you fucking phone and paid attention to where you're going you wouldn't have this problem. Maybe if you took your head out of your ass 2 miles back and realized your exit was coming, I wouldn't have to tell you what a fucking moron you are. BTW, you wear a Bump-It in the back of your head, it's not for your bangs, you asshat.

3. Mason is the Number 2 Boys' Name Because of the Kardashians. Mason is a cute name and I like it a lot. I'm not bagging on anyone who named their kid Mason. I just hope that if you named your child Mason it was because you liked the name, NOT because Kourtney Kardashian and her douchey dad of a husband named their kid Mason. Please do not let those vapid, no-talent, wastes of space influence anything you do. What is America coming to if our number 2 boys' name was influenced by those idiots??!

4. The Parents Who Put Their Kid in a Washing Machine. WTF?! I have no idea what these two were thinking, but obviously not Let's put the kid in the washer and see if the door LOCKS and it starts to FILL with water!! Give them time, I'm sure they'll be on the Today show telling us all about their lapse in judgment. We've all done bonehead things with our kids, but putting them in a washer is pretty up there. At least they seemed concerned and didn't laugh while the kid was drowning in sudsy water.

The person I'm most interested in is the guy in the red hat who keeps STROLLING by to see how it's going while the parents work frantically to open the door and find help. Way to be helpful, you asshole.

5. People Who Expect Me To Referee When They're Arguing With Someone on My Blog. Yeah, I'm talking about you, Jim. Why is it that when people disagree with what I write and someone else jumps to my defense, the first person cries that his feelings are hurt? WTF? Put on your big boy pants and take it. When you comment on a blog like this, you're going to get pushback. Deal with it. Especially if your comment is sexist, racist, and/or just plain ignorant. If you can't hack it, then don't write it. Don't come whining to me that someone said something that hurt your feelings and you want to know if that's how I feel too. This is not a preschool class. Sack up or hit the road. Oh, and one more thing, don't tell me to stop swearing. I fucking hate that.

Weekly Wrap Up 5.20.12

2012-05-20T07:12:00.001-05:00

I don't know if you noticed or not, but last week I did not get a Weekly Wrap Up done. I apologize to the 12 of you who read it faithfully. This week, I've incorporated posts and comments from last week and this week. Let's get to it.

Top Read Posts This Week:
50 Shades of Grey - The PIWTPITT Review - At this point you can't swing a dead cat without hearing about 50 Shades of Grey and how hot it is. I decided I'd give you my two cents. I just want to clarify, that while I said overall the book did not live up to its hype, I'm still totally going to buy the other two and read them - I am not a high brow reader by any stretch of the imagination. I also would like to give props to E.L. James for getting it done. It's not Shakespeare, but good for her for finishing a book and selling the shit out of it. I noticed a few people said she was greedy. I don't know much about the fan fiction world, so maybe it's tacky to want to get paid for your writing, but where I come from all the writers I know would like to get paid for a book. Good for her for figuring out how to do it.

I also want to add that a lot of people suggested I pick up the Sleeping Beauty Trilogy by Anne Rice writing as A.N. Roquelaure. I totally forgot that I own those books. They're tucked in the back of the closet where Gomer can't find them. I will add my two cents and say, Yes, if you were looking for a little more spice in 50 Shades and you have not read those books - go get them now. THEY do deliver.

Me - For Eavesdropping on a 13 Year Old's Date - I learned that being 13 hasn't changed much in 20+ years, just the technology has. This post is "totes awk." (Read the post and you'll get it.)

The Creepy Guy Who Lived Down the Street - I don't live in Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, unless Mr. McFeely is a child molester.

Survivor Producers - I watched the finale of Survivor and I decided the premise is getting old. I have ideas for the producers that are a surefire way to boost ratings.

TIME Magazine - I don't know if you heard of not, but TIME Magazine put a picture of a hot mom breastfeeding a preschooler on their cover. It was to promote an article about attachment parenting. I wasn't in the mood to find statistics about attachment parents, so I made a jokey generalization based on the park I attend most and suggested that MOST women practicing AP were gray haired and drove Subarus and the woman on the cover was as rare as a Yeti. I heard from quite a few Yetis that they are not as rare as I had suspected. I received so many pictures of young, attractive AP Yetis posed by their cars (not one Subaru among them) that I'm thinking of making a calendar of hot AP moms. I did not intend for the AP moms to take the punch. It was not meant for them and if it came off that way, I apologize, because that wasn't my intention. My punch was for TIME for it's outlandish photo that clearly does not represent the majority of attachment parents and was only put there to sell magazines. It was also aimed at Dr. Sears, because I do think he does not take into account that fact that some moms don't have the luxury to attachment parent and many are made to feel bad because they can't.

I wrote some new posts for Babble.com:

Just Another Way I Shame My Kid Every Day

I Hate My Friend's Kid

School's Out - Now What?

A Boy and His Balls

Favorite Comments (and My Reply if Necessary):

Okay--new to format--I'm Allison. First, Dr. Sears is actually pretty cool. I read his book..and on the first page you know what he says? "If it doesn't work for you, don't do it." I've never seen another parenting book with that saying. Go easy on him, Jen...he's not evil, just passionate. And yes, I breastfed...15 months, 2 years, 1 month (died), and 2.5 years. Yup, getting longer each time...and I slept with my kids...am I glad I have my boobs back? Yes. Am I glad to have my bed back? Yes. Am I sorry that I parent the way I do/did? No. It worked for us...and isn't that what parenting is about? Doing what works for your family...and telling the busybodies to go punch themselves in the throat. (I'm too lazy to punch anybody) I don't really care how other parents parent their kids...just leave me alone. Good blog though...like your style. on TIME Magazine

The money she made for posing for TIME will surely go towards the therapy her son will need in a few short years... on TIME Magazine

Another classic blog post, Jen! Thanks for the laugh. And some of the comments are hilarious (the others need to chill). I have to admit that my first reaction to the photo was disturbing. But the more I thought about it, I agree that it is natural and that breastfeeding older children isn't necessarily disturbing - just the provocative photo of it was. on TIME Magazine

Fuck, If I breastfed that long, when would I have the time to drink? on TIME Magazine

Jen your best: "Yeah, I'm mom enough. I don't need to put on my fabulous skinny jeans and whip out my itty bitty titty to feed my preschooler"...Seriously when I was gawking at her I thought 'a Capri Sun holds more liquid'. Thanks for being our Voice! on TIME Magazine

I keep thinking that Survivor should take the contestants, fly them around in circles for hours, land and take them off the plane somewhere right here in the good old USA. Except they blindfold them from the time they get off the plane until they drop them off in the middle of a forest or swamp or something where they can't tell they are like 2 miles from a McDonalds. HA HA suckas, can you smell the Big Macs? You must be hallucinating... on Survivor Producers

Another super overused word right now is YOLO. Listen for it and you will hear it so much it will make you want to vomit! Try saying the word to your child and see what the reaction is since most parents assume that YOLO is your kid mumbling or gurgling...the definition Of YOLO is YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE! Again text speak but the experiment will be hilarious since they think we are as fossil like I we thought our parents were at that age! Worth the fun since YOLO right? HA! on Me - For Eavesdropping on a 13 Year Old's Date

I would like to add the word "creeper" to the interesting vocabulary list. Defined in teen terms creeper - n. a pedophile, old man, or weird-o person. Ohh.. Jenn, did you see that creeper looking at us in the mall? How awkward! on Me - For Eavesdropping on a 13 Year Old's Date

Wow! I just realized that my 13 year old daughter must truly be a nerd. All her friends do is talk about Star Wars, Hunger Games and Minecraft. They all play in the Orchestra and post obscure classical music videos on each others Facebook pages. on Me - For Eavesdropping on a 13 Year Old's

I want my daughter to be like your daughter.

My girl is 11. "Awkward" is the word du jour. It makes it's way into every conversation. Even those about church. "So, it's the body of Christ we're eating? AWKWARD!" http://amysreallife.wordpress.com on Me - For Eavesdropping on a 13 Year Old's Date

I knew Amy when we were 11 and I'm trying to think what word we used all the time. Probably something like "grody" or "gag me."

As a former wall flower, with a beautiful, intelligent, hilarious wall flower 13 year old daughter, this post made me laugh and sad at the same time. You have no idea how hard it is to go through 13 again with your daughter (my son isn't there yet, but I can't imagine it will be as bad.) I actually think the pain is worse to see your daughter feel socially awkward and cry for a boy to like her. And because she is cute...she left her dorky friends since elementary and hangs on the periphery of the "kewl" group...feeling isolated and alone. I want to shake her...but understand and probably would have done the same at 13. Good luck Jen... on Me - For Eavesdropping on a 13 Year Old's Date

BWAAAHAHAAHAAAA after a while I found myself skimming the sex scenes. How does someone have THAT MUCH SEX? At some point she's gonna be like fuck this shit, I just want to go to bed. on 50 Shades of Grey - The PIWTPITT Review

I've been poking around and almost almost almost...and hiding in a corner trying to feel out if I should blog. Been home for two months now with a newborn (enough to drive me nuts....with joy of course. tooootal joy.) and I wanna! So I stumbled upon your blog through babble, and love it, and feel it, and then to see you say the magic words - "Just start" Done and done. Thank you. I'm going to check out blogger now, and have wordpress in the wings. on FAQ About Blogging

Be sure to post a link to the blog on my Blog Love post so we can all check it out.

I've commented before (www.not-so-super-mom.blogspot.com) but now I know I am "Bizarro Jen". I just got MY real estate license (finally! after being licensed in another state previously), I have a registered sex offender living around the corner, and I have some deadbeat's old cell phone number; and the kicker there is I just found out today that that deadbeat (who's name shows up on landline caller ID's) is a tenant in one off my broker's rentals. on The Creepy Guy Who Lived Down the Street

Jen, I just moved from a similar JOCO culdesac... very nice McMansions... one neighbor got so drunk he pissed in his yard in front of all the neighborhood kids in broad daylight... my next- door neighbor killed his elderly dog in his basement to save money... seriously nutty guy down the street had two giant concrete lions in his driveway that he said "were his eyes"... I could go on and on. Glad I got OUT. Love my new neighbors in the 60 year-old subdivision I now live in - much farther north. on The Creepy Guy Who Lived Down the Street

Wow..and I thought that the 500 lb. lady across the street who died and then her little Yorkie dog ate her big toe because nobody found her for three days was exciting.Or the father/grown son down the street who shot/stabbed each other because they got into a fight over beer. on The Creepy Guy Who Lived Down the Street

Jen, I really wish that you were a teacher! You would have way too much to write about. Today, I was threatened by a parent who asked for a conference to speak about his son's failing grade in my class. (High school). I told him nicely that I would arrange a time that would work so that the son, the father, the guidance counselor and myself could all meet together. I found that Thursday would work the best...Father wrote back in ALL CAPS......" You can't find any time on Monday?? I want to meet on MONDAY! If you don't find some time to meet on MONDAY then I will be in school at 6:30 waiting for you and we will meet with your principal" really? tell your son to study, that's why he's failing. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was that I couldn't be taken out of a class to meet with him....Boy, I really could have used you in the teacher's room today. on Got a Punch?

I hear some crazy stories from my teacher readers. I need all of you to tell me your stories anonymously so I can tell people how fucked up we are to teachers.

The Creepy Guy Who Lived Down the Street

2012-05-18T10:21:00.000-05:00

So, a few months ago I told you all about my trouble with Gabrielle. (The calls have stopped again, by the way, so she must be making her boat payments now.) I alluded to the fact that Gabrielle isn't the worst person who has lived on my cul-de-sac. That honor goes to Carl, the Registered Sex Offender who bought the house from a producer of porno films and then tried to auction the house off and/or make it into a safe haven for other registered sex offenders.

I don't even live in a trailer park or anything. Nope, not even close.

OK, let me start from the beginning. When we moved into our house, Gomer was a newborn and we didn't get out much to meet the neighbors. The one time we met a neighbor was when the Hubs called their kid a "liar." They put their house up for sale soon after that. I don't think it was related to the liar incident, but I can't be sure.

After a few months, I heard (through what little grapevine I have access to) that they had an offer. The neighbor who told me said, "I've been assured by the Smiths that it's a real nice family who bought the house." This sentence struck me as funny. I'm a Realtor and I sell homes all the time and it always cracks me up when I hear people say shit like this. What else would the seller say? "They seem a little shady, but they paid cash and I'm not going to be living here anymore so I wasn't going to say no? See ya, suckers!"

The Smiths closed and moved out and the house sat vacant. After a couple of weeks I noticed our cul-de-sac was full of cars one Sunday afternoon. I thought maybe the new neighbors were having a house warming party, except they all packed up that night and didn't come back again. This happened 2 weekends in a row until the cops showed up and busted them for making a porn.

Yup, the next door neighbor to the Smith house could see in the curtain-less windows and she saw a whole movie crew shooting a super low-budget porn film, so she called the cops. I guess there's not much the cops can do about this. They shut down the production that day, but didn't arrest anyone (they told us everyone was of age and consenting and there were no outstanding warrants for anyone and the people making the film said they were making this film for their own personal collection).

The movie crew never returned again. The house changed hands privately for $1 and my neighbors started whispering that the house was an Al-Qaeda front. Unless Al-Qaeda is a bunch of white college-aged kids who like porn, I don't think that's who was laundering money through this property. We waited with bated breath to see the new owner.

The new owner did not move in. For days and days. And then for months. The grass grew up two feet high and as a member of the Home Owners Association board, I was getting calls about how "unsightly" the house had become.

Finally, it was September and one Saturday afternoon we came home from running errands and the cul-de-sac looked different. It took me a minute to realize the weeds and grass had been mowed down and now there were two giant plastic Jack o'Lanterns grinning on the front porch.

Hey Little Kids, it's all just a big misunderstanding. I swear.

"Huh. What do you think of those?" I asked the Hubs.

"Oh who cares? He mowed his lawn. That's what's important. People will stop calling you. You can't start cracking down on his Halloween decorations already."

"I don't know," I replied. "I think they're creepy. It's like they're saying 'Come here little children and get some candy!' And who puts up Halloween decorations in September?"

"Jen," the Hubs warned. "Just let it go. It's fine."

And so I did.

The next day our doorbell rang and the Hubs answered the door. I was in the kitchen feeding Gomer and I heard the Hubs say, "Are you fucking kidding me? Jen, you nailed it."

Huh?

The Hubs came in the kitchen waving several sheets of paper. "Look at this."

The papers were actually a registered letter our new neighbor, Carl, had sent us all alerting us to the fact that he is a registered sex offender. I wish I had saved the letter so I could reprint it in its entirety here, but don't worry, I have a very good memory for crazy shit and I may not be 100% accurate, but I'm usually pretty damn close. He had 4 pages of rambling excuses and outrageous stories that went something like this:

Dear Neighbor,

I wanted to send you a letter and introduce myself. I am Carl Jones. I am a successful Internet business owner and I'm a registered sex offender. I wanted to let you know about my sex offender status, because in this day and age that information is readily available on the Internet, but what they don't tell you is the whole story as to WHY I'm a registered sex offender. I wanted to tell you my story so you could see for yourself that I was unfairly arrested and jailed twice.

I have a sweet tooth and I love to share it with the neighbor kids.

The first time was 10 years ago. I have 4 children none of whom live with me. My 12 year old son would sometimes visit my home. The neighbor boys enjoyed playing with my son when he visited. One day a couple of neighbor boys stopped by to visit my son. I told them he hadn't arrived yet, but they were welcome to wait for him (it's the neighborly thing to do). I realized that I had not yet showered that day and I needed to do that, so I hopped in the shower. Imagine my surprise when I came out of the shower and found the neighbor boys in my bedroom! They had decided to watch television on my bed while they waited. I was so surprised to find them there that I dropped my towel accidentally and oh yeah, I had an erection (a very common thing for men after a shower, by the way). The boys decided they'd waited long enough and they should go home so they left. When he got home, one boy mentioned to his mother about my towel malfunction. That mother went on a witch hunt, some things happened, I got arrested and convicted in a court of law and sent to jail. It was all a mistake, blah, blah, blah...end of story one.

The second time was a few years later. I was out of jail and running my successful Internet company and we had a minor unpaid intern. He came to me one day and told me he enjoyed working at my company, but he really needed to make some money and did I know of any paying jobs? It reminded me that just that morning I had seen an email looking for young male models. I thought he would be perfect for the job! I sent the information to him without reading it closely. His mother intercepted the email and once she read it she went crazy (those damn nosy mothers). Apparently, the young male models were needed for a tasteful, nude photo spread for a popular men's magazine and she was a prude. Oh yeah, I got arrested, convicted and sent to jail for that one too. I'm having a tough time with all these mistakes the justice system keeps making.

He wrote more about how misunderstood he was and how these were all innocent mistakes that anyone could make and how he just wanted to live a quiet life in his new city and neighborhood.

Needless to say, Carl was not welcomed into our neighborhood with open arms. I heard (again, through my flimsy grapevine) that he was threatened and harassed. One neighbor allegedly threatened to poison his dog and another group of neighbors allegedly stole the playset that came with the house from his back yard in broad daylight and no one called the police.

I just hunkered down, set my house alarm and locked my doors. I was lucky, because Gomer was still a baby and I didn't have to worry about this guy messing with my kid (I gathered that he preferred the 12-16 year old set).

Rent-a-Center came with a truckload of furniture and he seemed to settle into his new home. Yes, Rent-a-Center. I didn't even know they still existed. I actually never laid eyes on the guy. I stayed away from him and he stayed away from me.

After several months we saw a U-Haul truck in his driveway late one night. He loaded up his Rent-a-Center furniture and took off in the dead of night. See ya, Carl!

Once again, the house went dark and the weeds grew up, but no one complained this time. Everyone was glad to see Carl go. A few weeks later we saw a reporter filming the house, and the Hubs went over to chat him up. He told the Hubs that Carl had indeed moved out, but still owned the house and now he was planning to raffle off the house to raise money for the non-profit he'd founded to protect registered sex offenders. He was going to charge $1 per ticket for a chance to win a "$600,000 home" (that home was worth $500,000 tops AND that was before anyone knew about the history the numerous spooge stains on the walls and ceiling of the kitchen - a favorite location for the filmmakers, I heard.). Either way, this was in the heady days of the real estate boom, so my neighbors about had a coronary.

You can move in here with your kinky ways, you can shoot a pornographic film in the kitchen, you can let the grass grow 2 feet high, but if you THINK for a second you're going to lower the value of our homes with your tacky-ass raffle, you've got another thing coming! They organized and got that shit stopped - pronto. Plus, no one really entered the raffle. The rumor I heard was he raised $6 and had to return it all when the raffle got quashed.

Carl couldn't be stopped though. He changed tactics and decided he'd turn the house into a half way house for registered sex offenders. He went on the news and complained about strict laws limiting where sex offenders could live (not too close to schools, etc.) forced many sex offenders to live under "overpasses" and "bridges." I have lived in this suburban city I call home for about 20 years now and I can honestly say I've never seen anyone living under an overpass or a bridge - sex offender or otherwise.

Carl was just grasping at straws. Luckily, I live in Stepford where we have all kinds of silly laws designed to keep people like Carl guessing. One such law we have is something like only 4 adults who aren't related can live together in one private residence or something like that. Whatever it was, the city pulled it out of their hat and stopped Carl and his idea of a halfway house.

The furor died down and the weeds grew up. The last we heard about Carl was when we had pounding on our door late one night and the Hubs opened it to find two tweeker-looking guys demanding to know where Carl went. They were repo-men and they were there for Carl's Chrysler 300. The Hubs told the repo-men he had no idea where Carl was and to get off our porch (while I cowered upstairs in Gomer's room). They didn't believe him and said, "You're telling me, your neighbor moves and you have no idea where he is?" asked one.

"I'm telling you, I don't care where he is. Good riddance," replied the Hubs.

"I don't believe you. You know where he is," growled the second. I was getting nervous. I was ready to call the cops, because these guys were scarier than any registered sex offender.

"Listen. I could give a fuck," said the Hubs. "The guy's a pervert who messes with kids."

"What did you say?!" said the first one.

"He's a sex offender. He's gone and we're glad."

"Oh I'm gonna kill that guy!" said repo-man number two. They jumped off our porch and headed back to their truck.

I don't know if they caught up with Carl or not, but now you see why I don't get too worked up when I have Visa calling for Gabrielle. That's nothing compared to crack head-looking guys banging on my door in the middle of the night with a baseball bat looking for Carl. I'll take Visa any day!

50 Shades of Grey - The PIWTPITT Review

2012-05-16T10:35:00.000-05:00

STOP! SOME OF YOU ARE UNDER 18 YEARS OLD. DO NOT READ THIS POST. (I KNOW, I KNOW, THAT ONLY MAKES YOU WANT TO READ IT MORE, BUT REALLY - STOP.) THIS IS NOT FOR YOU. GO READ YOUR SEVENTEEN MAGAZINE PLEASE AND TRY AGAIN HERE TOMORROW. IF YOU STILL REALLY WANT TO READ THIS, THEN LET YOUR MOM READ IT FIRST AND LET HER DECIDE. I CANNOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR SULLYING YOU.

ALSO, IF YOU HAVEN'T READ 50 SHADES OF GREY, GO BACK UNDER YOUR ROCK AND I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW. THERE ARE A TON OF SPOILERS HERE.

ONE MORE. IF YOU ARE MY FATHER, DON'T READ THIS. YOU WILL NOT GET IT AND THEN YOU WILL BE EMBARRASSED WHEN I SEE YOU THE NEXT TIME.

I know many of you have read 50 Shades of Grey by now and I've had more than a few emails asking me to do a "review" of the book or tell you what I think. So here we go.

I have only read the first book in the trilogy, so my review will only be for that one.

I actually heard about this book from my friend Mary when I was visiting her in New Hampshire. We always talk books and she told me this one was hot, hot, hot in her sleepy little school's carpool line. I'm always looking for a good read and especially one that comes so...umm...highly recommended.

I came home from NH only to find that the actual, physical book was sold out in bookstores and there was quite a waiting list of fellow literary aficionados (perverts) waiting for the next shipment. WTF? This of course made me desire it even more. I had to know what the fuss was. The book was available in an electronic format, but at that point we didn't own a tablet. What to do, what to do? I did what I had to do: I went on Facebook and appealed to my friends to loan me a Kindle so I could read my smut. Within 24 hours I had a fully charged Nook in hand with the download completed and I started my S&M-filled journey (thank you, WP).

Maybe I should back up here for the men in this group and the few of you who live in caves and explain a bit about this book. This book was originally written by a British "mum" as Twilight fan fiction. She re-imagined Bella and Edward as human adults. And this time around, rather than a lust for Bella's blood, Edward has a lust for tying up Bella and spanking her until it...uhhh...doesn't hurt anymore (if you get my drift).

OK, back to the story. So because the book is fan fiction you really can't read it without thinking of the original Bella and Edward and how similar the characters are. Once again we have a clumsy (Seriously, when have you EVER fallen over your feet in the middle of someone's office? I have only winked and roared), virginal, and beautiful girl (who, of course, doesn't realize she's beautiful) with a dash of a naive/innocent wonder thing going on.

The guy is once again impossibly handsome, ridiculously rich, completely overbearing and controlling and a bit of a creeper (I just learned that's a word all the awkward 13 year olds are using). He's always telling her what to wear and when he can see her and she's always sitting around waiting for him to call so he can spank her some more.

Let's get down to the sex, shall we? I mean, really, that's what we're all reading this book for, right? I don't have the book in front of me anymore, so someone will have to verify this for me, but I swear they didn't even have sex until like page 40 (of the Nook edition) or something. Let me tell you, the plot wasn't riveting enough to keep interested until that point. I kept reading, because I'd been promised hot, hot, hot, naughty adult sex.

FINALLY, they get it on. A lot. Now, I've been re-reading The Hunger Games trilogy lately, so ANY sex in a book would be considered steamy after that book where a close mouthed kiss on the lips is saucy. So after page 40 there's a lot of sex. I really don't remember much of the plot following that. He whisks her off in helicopters and cars to his playroom where he can tie her up and ride her like a trussed up show pony.

After all of that, I was just sort of like, Eh. That's it? That's the best you can do?

I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the Hubs and I have a bondage room or anything, but I just thought I'd need a dictionary of sexual positions and Google to figure out some of the stuff they were going to do. Instead, it was all pretty much what I could think up - a little tail whipping here and there, some naughty bath time, a tie or two, but nothing too hardcore. His "member" strains a lot, her "sex" pulsates a bunch, she can't touch him, but he can do whatever he likes to her. If anything, I was a little grossed out by some of their intimacy. At one point Christian actually removes her tampon before he has sex with her. Is that meant to be hot? Because I threw up in my mouth when he did that. That would pretty much kill the moment for me.

Before I read the book I heard a lot of the following:

"You'll go out and buy your man a tie, just so he'll tie you up." I have not made any tie purchases.

"You won't be able to finish the book, because you'll want to find the Hubs and get it on." I read it on vacation at my aunt's house. Hell to the NO was I moved to do that in her house.

"You'll realize you want to be dominated." Nope. I did not come to that realization.

"Not even a little bit, Jen?" Nope.

"You'll dream about Christian Grey." I dreamed about kicking his misogynistic ass. Now, Edward Cullen, that boy I dreamed about in all his sparkling glory. That was a creepy, rich, controlling, hot guy I could get behind.

"You'll want to rush out and buy the next two books right away." As I mentioned at the beginning, I've only read the one. I now have a tablet and a credit card and I could easily buy the next ones, but I've got other books in my queue ahead of this one. I will get to them, though, because I am curious to see Christian evolve (I've been promised he does).

This is what I did learn:

1. We should all write naughty books, because holy shit, those suckers sell! After reading 50 Shades, I'm not sure it would be that hard. I'm going to take The Hunger Games and sex it up. The arena will be filled with sex toys and whoever can...satisfy...all their opponents wins. I'll need a Thesaurus, though, because I can't think of too many ways to say "throbbing."

2. I should never believe the hype. This happened to me in 1987. I still remember. I really wanted to see Dirty Dancing. I couldn't drive yet so I was a the mercy of my parents and they could never get me to the theatre. I'd heard so much about this movie at school - "Patrick Swayze is unbelievably hot!" "Jennifer Grey is so plain and ordinary - just like us!" "The dancing is so cool." I was literally dying to see it. I was going crazy. FINALLY, my mother took me in the "15th Explosive Week" that it was still playing in our small town. I came out of there so let down. Patrick Swayze did indeed look good, but I was still getting a lot of play out of the beach volleyball scene in Top Gun and Patrick did not hold a candle to Val. Jennifer Grey was not plain. She had a bit of a nose with a perfect ass. This movie made me realize I don't like movies with a lot dancing in them. I laugh at those parts - and most moviegoers don't appreciate that.

3. A lot of us say we're not in the mood, but we sure are willing to read all about it. My guess is, if you told your hubs you'd like him to tie you up and take you 5 different ways, he'd be more than happy to risk a heart attack trying. Many of us have our own Christian Grey (minus the private helicopter) sitting in our living room in his boxer shorts. Put down your Kindle and go ravage that man (or get ravaged by him if that's what you want)!

4. I also realized after reading this book that I could never be a Sub. Duh. All that taking orders and speaking when spoken to and sitting in a corner and shit like that would make me insane. Plus, I just cannot wrap my mind around getting hit for pleasure. Again, not going to go into detail here, but I think I'm pretty vanilla when it comes to that kind of stuff. My first instinct would be to hit back - harder - and I don't think that's how it's supposed to work.

Me - For Eavesdropping on a 13 Year Old's Date

2012-05-15T09:40:00.000-05:00

I am so glad I am not 13 anymore. I would hate to be 13 again. I hated 13 so much that I am not looking forward to my kids being 13.

Today I was working in a public place when I was suddenly surrounded by a gaggle of giggy 13 year old girls. Pretty soon, a couple of surly 13 year old boys joined the gaggle and they became a full on group.

I was instantly transported back 27 years to when I was 13. Listening to the girls whisper to one another and the boys sort of grunt, I got a pit in my stomach remembering how embarrassing and miserable it was to be 13. I absolutely hated being 13. (I really hated being most ages between 12 and 22, but 13 was especially horrible.)

The personalities haven't changed much with the Alpha Girl taking charge. She wasn't necessarily the prettiest of the girls, but she was the loudest and the most confident. There was her Number Two close by her side, ready to give the oft-needed, "I know!" and "Totally!" A couple quiet, mousy girls rounded out the gang (that would have been me).

The boys were fairly normal, but the Ring Leader seemed to be the smallest - albeit cutest - boy in the pack.

The mating rituals haven't changed much over the years, except now they use technology instead of the paper notes we used to pass back and forth. (Do you like me? Do you like like me? Do you want to go out with me? Check any and all boxes that apply.)

Honestly, the Alpha Girl said, "Siri, does Brendan like me?"

A boy I assume was Brendan said, "Uhh, I'm sitting right here." Number Two Girl is Instagram-ing the entire display and uploading it to her Facebook page. She even took a quick video.

Finally, the Ring Leader's friend said, "This conversation is really awkward."

Alpha Girl screeched, "It is not!"

Yes, sweetie, it is. Oh God, I feel sick to my stomach remembering painful conversations like these. I was always a wall flower unless I found the nerve to have a conversation, then I was quickly promoted to the Queen of Awkward Conversations. I remember saying the dumbest things when a boy entered the group. I was completely at a loss what to talk to boys about and how to behave so that they wouldn't think I was a total idiot. I failed miserably. Needless to say, nobody checked any of the boxes on my notes. I always got the write in: "You're a good friend."

I knew I should stop listening to these kids and give them their privacy, but I thought that maybe now as a grown adult, I could analyze what the Alphas do and say and that way I could help Gomer and Adolpha transition through this time better than their mother did.

After listening for a few more minutes, I realized it was hopeless. Thirteen is just an incredibly tough age and no matter how cool you are, you still sound hysterical. My children have no hope. They'll have to slog through like the rest of us.

So instead, I just wrote down their conversation for a giggle.

Alpha Girl: Oh my gosh, Brendan, I met your ex girlfriend yesterday. She's sooo cute. I can't believe you broke up with her. Who are you going to go out with now?

Brendan: She was too needy.

Alpha Girl: Eww. I hate needy people.

Brendan: Yup.

Alpha Girl: So, who are you going to out with next?

Brendan: I don't know.

His friend (laughing): Yes you do!

Brendan: Shut up, Mike.

Alpha Girl (to the friend): You're immature. I know it's me.

Brendan is silent.

Alpha Girl (to her wall flowers): You guys could talk you know. You guys are so quiet.

Wall Flower 1: Shh...I know I can talk. I just don't want to. This conversation is sooo awkward.

Mike: Whoa. This just got real. We need to make this more interesting.

He starts texting. I think to Brendan, because Brendan's phone chimes instantly.

Brendan reads his text and smiles slyly. (I wish I could see the texts!!)

Alpha Girl: This is so awkward. You invited me here. What do you want to talk about? (Is "awkward" a bonus vocabulary word this week at school or something??)

Brendan: I don't know. I just thought I could see what you're like.

Alpha Girl: You know what I'm like. I'm like this. Right, guys? (she says to her friends - they all nod in sync)

Brendan: I'm going to text you.

Brendan texts for a long time while Alpha Girl fills the silence.

Alpha Girl: I love my puppy. Do you love my puppy? Do you know Kylie? Do you know Grace? Do you know Emily? (Mike mimics her.) You're being mean, Mike. (When she doesn't get an answer from Mike, she turns on Wall Flower 1) You're being awkward, Adrienne.

Her phone chimes. She reads the text. She's not happy.

Alpha Girl: If this is what you think, you should go away, Brendan.

She shows the phone to Number Two who also looks irritated. Brendan stands up to go.

Alphan Girl: No wait, don't go! I'm sorry I'm bad at this. I'll talk! I'll talk! Do you guys remember my friend, Kelsey? (silence from the group while everyone checks their phones) Oh my God, answer me!

Mike: Yes! I've heard of her before.

Alpha Girl: OK, OMG, don't yell at me.

Mike: How about I whisper? What about her?

Alpha Girl: She wants to go out with Sean.

Mike: Not gonna happen.

Alpha Girl: Why not?

Mike: Because that's not what we're here for. Sean can handle his own business. We're here about you and Brendan. You guys...talk.

Alpha Girl: I've never heard you talk out loud before at school.

Brendan: I don't have much to say.

Alpha Girl: I scream all day when I'm with my friends.

Brendan: I don't believe that, because you're like so quiet today. You're not talking at all.

Alpha Girl: Should I scream?

Brendan: No, not in the middle of right here. No that would be awkward. Haha.

Mike: OMG. You guys are pathetic! This is so awkward for all of us to hear.

Wall Flower 2: Let's go across the street and play grocery store tag.

Brendan: Yeah. That's a lot of fun. Girls against guys.

Alpha Girl: You're not going to be on my team?

Brendan: No. I want to be with Mike.

Alpha Girl: Since you're being awkward, I'm going to call Jared and tell him to come. I'll be on his team.

Half an hour later, I had nothing done, except I'd transcribed their conversation. It was like a fascinating soap opera that I couldn't stop watching.

Now I want to find these kids again, because I have some questions that have been keeping me up at night:

Who is Brendan going out with now?
Alpha Girl, you should ask Siri about Mike, because he's giving some serious signals that he'd like to be your partner for grocery store tag and he can carry on a conversation without being awkward.
Did Jared show up for grocery store tag?
Did he know he was being used to (hopefully) make Brendan jealous? Did he care?

I was so relieved to hear that they talked about the same boring (awkward) things we did when we were kids. I HOPE my kids are this awkward (and funny) when they're 13. I've heard so many news stories about how 13 year olds are partying and having sex and going wild. Not these kids...unless "grocery store tag" is code for "group sex party."

Survivor Producers

2012-05-14T09:19:00.000-05:00

Outwit, outplay, outlast, outlive?

Last night the Hubs and I watched the Survivor finale. I won't tell you who won. I will tell you that if you're a Survivor aficionado, you will agree with the critics that this season was one of the most boring seasons in history. After 12 years, the producers have tried many different tactics to spice it up. This season they tried men vs. women and it wasn't near as riveting as they'd hoped.

Like he does at the end of every Reunion special, Jeff Probst gave us a glimpse of the next installment in the franchise. This time it's Survivor: Phillipines. Jeff hinted that they would bring back 3 of the most famous Survivor injury disasters in the history of the game. They showed clips of past injured players like Michael Skupin (the guy who fell in the fire just when the camera man was taking a break so there was no footage) and Russell Swan (the guy who practically died in the middle of a challenge because he was so dehydrated).

Jeff also got very excited about the fact that they were going to the Phillipines where the tribes would live with poisonous snakes and be surrounded by shark-infested waters.

That's when I realized that Jeff and Mark Burnett and all the other Survivor producers are planning a funeral for the very special Reunion show.

Here's how I think a FICTIONAL conversation between REAL PEOPLE went:

Burnett (imagine this in a chippy Australian accent): We're getting a lot of flak about this season. Everyone thinks it's boring and we've lost our edge.

Probst (we all know his voice): I don't know. It doesn't seem so bad. We've got a lot of cute girls out there for them to look at.

Burnett: Cute girls who are running the show and not a villain in sight! They're talking about their feelings and staying loyal to their alliances. This is not good television!

Weaselly Assistant Producer (nasally and simpering voice - think ultimate kiss ass): Sir, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how to make the show sexy again.

Burnett: Who are you?

WAP: I've worked here for 2 years, but my name is not important. What is important is my idea.

Probst: OK, so what is it?

WAP: Well, I've been thinking. Have you heard of The Hunger Games?

Burnett: Are you a bloody idiot? Everyone in the world has heard of The Hunger Games!

WAP: Right. Well, The Hunger Games is popular because it's like Survivor, only people die.

Probst: Actually, teenagers die.

WAP: Exactly. Here at Survivor we've had a couple of close calls with people falling into fires and that guy with the bowel obstruction, but we've never managed to get a death on tape. I feel like it's time to raise the bar.

Burnett: Have teenagers kill one another??!

WAP: No, I checked with legal, we can't do that.

Burnett/Probst: Damn.

WAP: Only adults can come on the show and put themselves in danger. What I'm thinking is we invite back some of our closest calls and then we tell them there is no medical evacuation option this season.

Burnett: No medical evacuation? Can we do that?

WAP: Legal is working on it, but with our legal budget they're pretty sure they can make it fly.

Probst: So we invite Russell Swan-

Burnett: Who?

Probst: Russell Swan. He's the one who passed out during the challenge and just about died from dehydration. He was the closest to death. We filmed the medical team for almost an hour, but they just kept stabilizing him. They're so damn good! Finally, we had to airlift him out. He'll want to come back. He's a competitor and he'll want a second chance.

Burnett: Great. Who else?

WAP: Michael Skupin.

Burnett: Oooh...fire guy. I still can't believe we didn't have a camera on him when he fell in the fire! We fired that camera man, right?

Probst: Abso-fucking-lutely. He'll never work in this town again.

WAP: I'm thinking we need 3 to round it out. We'll have 3 teams and each near death Survivor will be a "captain."

Burnett: Who is the third?

WAP: I don't know, maybe Colton Cumbie? The gay slash racist guy from this season? He went home with appendicitis, although I'm hearing now he might have faked it. People hate him.

Probst: Yeah, but not in a good way. He's no Johnny Fairplay.

Burnett: Johnny Fairplay was brilliant with that whole dead grandmother bit.

Probst: Yeah, Colton is nothing like Johnny. That guy is a bitch. I don't want to give him a second chance.

Burnett: It really doesn't matter who we bring back. All that matters is that we make great TV!

WAP: Exactly. And the way to make it great TV is to make the conditions absolute shit. That's why I'm thinking we go to the Phillipines. We put these tribes on an island with no fresh water and poisonous snakes and bugs. The peninsula where they live will be surrounded by beautiful water, but it's completely shark infested, so no fishing, bathing or swimming. We may need to bring some more sharks in, just to be sure we have enough. I'm also looking for crocodiles to bring in, because I love how they can attack on land or water - surprise attacks!

The camps will be close to one another, but cut off completely by rings of fire (with 24 hour cameras on them) that only go down when it's time to leave the camp for challenges and such. Sometimes we could extinguish the fires and let the tribes out to wander about and maybe have a run in with a croc. Since they don't know when the fire will be back up again, they might get trapped outside the safety of their fire ring and have to spend the night on the beach. I'm thinking we could time this with the weather forecast - a lightning strike would be a-MAY-zing.

The only food and water the tribes get comes when we think they deserve it. They could win food and water at challenges, I guess, but that seems so boring and predictable. I was thinking we could mix it up and sometimes have the food they win be spoiled - e coli can be a just as effective a killer as a shark. I've also been toying with the idea of getting them to turn on each other. Food seems to be the only way to do that. We could air drop small parachutes of food - just enough for one or two people and then let them fight for it. I'm thinking hunger makes people do crazy things. Or...the other thing people would kill for is their family. We could keep a child or a spouse hostage somewhere in the jungle and show the Survivor contestant video clips of their loved one suffering on whatever new cell phone Sprint has and they have to win the challenges or else -

Burnett: Let me just stop you right there.

WAP: I'm sorry, sir. Did I cross the line? Is it too much?

Burnett: Absolutely not. I'm going to need to learn your name, son, because you just got yourself promoted to Executive Producer!

Probst: Best. Season. Ever.

Gomer's Mother's Day Post

2012-05-13T16:26:00.001-05:00

Gomer (age 7) has decided he'd like to guest post today. Here is an (unedited) "vertical poem" he wrote for me for Mother's Day:

My Mom is very sweet.

Offten you are nice.

Tulips smell good but you smell better.

Happy Mother's Day.

Either I am good or bad you still love me.

Rainbows are pretty but you are more prettier.

Someday I will blackmail him with this.

TIME Magazine

2012-05-11T08:51:00.001-05:00

Surely you've seen this new cover at TIME Magazine.

Hey, TIME, stop this right now! What the hell is wrong with you?

Let's start with the picture that you chose. I don't have hard stats (and I'm way too lazy to go do real research), but my informal polls at the playground lead me to believe that most moms who subscribe to attachment parenting are older hippie moms with gray hair and saggy boobs and Subarus. Why aren't they on your cover too?

Actually, where did you find the woman on your cover? A young, hot, defiant woman who practices attachment parenting? I've never seen anything like her and my guess is it took you a long time to find her. She's like the Yeti of the attachment parenting world.

Are you a bunch of pimply teenage boys over there who get turned on watching a MILF breastfeed?

It's as if Beavis and Butthead are in charge at your offices. Actually, I take that back, apparently the Hubs is in on it too. Here's what he said to me tonight: "Have you seen this thing? Holy crap. It's arousing and disturbing all at the same time."

Nice job, TIME, sounds like you got just the reaction you were looking for, you perverted jackholes.

Just say what it is: It's Mother's Day, which is usually a boring topic for our magazine, so we decided to spice it up a bit.

I think the powers that be at TIME sat around the board room and had this imaginary conversation:

Man 1: The article kind of sucks, because attachment parenting is kind of boring and hardcore and no one will read it, so let's make sure the cover is titillating.

Man 2: Heehee, you said tit-illating.

Man 1: Haha. I did. Well, I think it's a good word for what we want. Let's see the photos we have to choose from.

Man 2: We've got tons of pictures of nursing moms to choose from, but their breasts are so....well-used....

Man 1: "Well-used"? Hell, these things look like 2 week old helium balloons. Yech. No amount of photoshop can help those. Oh my God, is that a hair on this one's nipple?

Man 2: Yes. We've been told those are very normal.

Man 1: I don't know. I think she should get that checked out. Blech. Don't we have any one young with perky boobies - yeah, they need to be boobies, because breasts are just too real looking. Hello...who is this?

Man 2: Her name is Jamie Lynn Grumet and that is her 3, almost 4, year old there on the stool.

Man 1: Jamie Lynn Grumet, I am going to make you famous.

Ugh, you idiots.

Now, what about the caption: "Are You Mom Enough?"

Fuck you, TIME. It's Mother's Day weekend and you're going to trot that boring mommy wars shit out now?

(Here's a genius idea for you guys for Father's Day, let's start the daddy wars - have you heard of Douchey Dads? I can hook you up with a great model for your cover, I can take you to their natural habitat.)

Yeah, I'm mom enough. I don't need to put on my fabulous skinny jeans and whip out my itty bitty titty to feed my preschooler (I refuse to call that kid a "toddler") on the cover of a national magazine to prove it.

I also don't need Dr. William Sears - the guru of attachment parenting - telling me I'm not mom enough. This guy has the market cornered on making moms feel like absolute shit. He loves to tell us all how we're doing it wrong and how inadequate we are because:

We don't breastfeed our kids until they can spell "delicious and refreshing breast milk."
We don't co-sleep with our kids until they absolutely beg to leave the family bed out of sheer embarrassment from telling their friends at middle school they still sleep with mommy and daddy.
We don't love our babies, because occasionally we put them in bouncy seats to give our aching backs a break.

Between TIME Magazine showing us that you should be hot when you breastfeed and Dr. Sears telling us that we're screwing up our kids if we don't practice attachment parenting, I think it's going to be a great Mother's Day.

Thanks for pulling out all the stops to make this one special, TIME!

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms reading this. We all raise our kids differently and we're all doing the best we can do. Don't buy into this shit and just know you ARE mom enough!

The Evil Birthday Clown

2012-05-09T10:19:00.000-05:00

Well, just when I thought only potty parties and Marie Antoinette-themed first birthday parties were some of the worst party ideas I'd ever heard of, I read about Dominic Deville, The Evil Birthday Clown.

Holy shit! This is a clown that you pay to stalk and terrify your child. As if clowns weren't scary enough for most people! This guy will send threatening letters and text messages to your kid warning him that he's being watched and the scary clown is coming for him! When your child least expects it, the scary looking clown will jump out of some dark alley and pie your kid in the face.

Happy Birthday, Champ!

Can you imagine the therapy bills for this kid? My kid can't go see the circus without having nightmares of getting seltzer water in the face by a friendly, happy clown. How about being systematically stalked and tormented by a creepy clown?!

What kind of parent pays this guy and thinks it's a good idea? I guess, maybe for a teenager or a grown adult child, but definitely not for a kid.

Can you imagine the conversation when you're picking this guy for your birthday party theme?

Mom: I'm at a loss this year for what to do for Nashville's birthday. Everything has already been done by everyone in his class!

Dad: Well, I was reading HuffPo today -

Mom: Ugh, what did that rag say? Donate trees in his honor? Adopt a mile of highway and clean it up? Name a star for him?

Dad: No, actually, I was pleasantly surprised, they had an idea I thought you would love. It's straight from Switzerland.

Mom: Switzerland? That's near France, right? Those French moms are considered the best moms in the world right now. Do the French moms do this party?

Dad: I don't know about the French moms. It's the Swiss moms who are doing this. Surely the Swiss moms are the next European mommies to be envied. You'll be ahead of the curve!

Mom: I would think so!

Dad: Anyway, this guy, his name is Dominic. He's a Swiss actor and you can hire him to dress up like a clown and entertain your child for his birthday.

Mom: Hmm...I don't know. Clowns are so boring, especially for 7 year olds.

Dad: This clown is different. We hire this guy to scare Nashville.

Mom: Hmm....He does love those Goosebumps books.

Dad: Right. So we hire this guy and he has a really interesting and unique way he scares the kids. He...sort of...terrorizes Nashville.

Mom: Oh? How so?

Dad: He sends threatening messages to him that he's following him and that he's watching his behavior. He knows if he's good or bad -

Mom: Ooh! Like Seamus Pickleton, our Elf on the Shelf!

Dad: Yeah. He's like a real live Elf on the Shelf. Anyway, he lets Nashville know that he always knows where he is and the Scary Clown can get him at any time - day or night.

Mom: Fun!

Dad: I know, right? Then, when Nashville is good and freaked out - BAM! Dominic comes out of nowhere. I was actually thinking it would be great for him to come out of Nashville's closet. He jumps out looking like a deranged clown who escaped from a mental hospital and throws a pie in his face.

Mom: I. Love. It. No one has done this yet. Can you imagine what my Bunko group will say when they hear about this one? They will be so jealous that Nashville will have his own stalker! They will all wish they could get my scary clown for their party, but it will be already done. Boom.

Kansas Legislators

2012-05-07T23:00:00.001-05:00

Dear Kansas Legislators,

I don't know how to say this so that you will understand, but I'll try: STAY OUT OF MY FUCKING BEDROOM AND MY UTERUS, YOU COCKSUCKERS.

Sincerely,

Jen

KS Senator Mary Pilcher-Cook. A disgrace to women.

Was that clear? I am so pissed off tonight after reading that the newest, boldest, most dangerous anti-abortion bill passed in the Kansas Legislature and is now wending its to big baby Brownback who will most likely sign it into law. Kansas Senator Mary Pilcher-Cook (literally the first person I've ever wanted to call the c-word on my blog) was quoted as saying, "This is about respecting the rights to conscience and others' beliefs. Let's protect peoples' beliefs." I don't know, I don't feel like my beliefs are protected at all. No one's worrying about me and my daughter.

This bill will allow doctors to lie to their patients and tell them that abortions cause cancer, it will charge rape victims a sales tax on their abortions, it could allow medical providers to limit birth control if they deem it necessary and it will put the health of a fetus over the health of a living, breathing (kicking and screaming) woman.

I am so sick to my stomach right now I could scream. I am so furious, I am crying angry tears as I type this. My daughter is sleeping peacefully in her bed upstairs and has no idea of the fucking nightmare that is happening. Right now she is losing rights to her own body and there is nothing I can do to stop that.

We talk in school and on the internet a lot about bullies, well let me tell you, these Republican lawmakers are fucking bullies. They are bullying women back into the kitchen and back into the baby factories. Fuck you, Mr. Big Shot and a big, special fuck you very much to the women Republican lawmakers. What the hell is wrong with you? Don't you understand what you're doing?? Don't you see what is happening here? We are being put back in "our place." You have a chance to do good for your fellow woman and instead you are limiting her ability to choose what is right for her!

I get that you don't want to have an abortion. Fine. No one asked you to. No one said you had to. But don't you dare take legal, safe abortions away from women. Think about the women who will continue to find a place to go, whether it's a dark alley or a dirty clinic. Think about these women who will die, because of a botched job.

This is a fight that women on all sides should be fighting. Why can't we fight together for our reproductive rights? Why can't we fight together to demand we have access to the safest and best medical care this country can provide (I'm not saying free medical care, I'm just saying doctors who don't lie to us and perform invasive procedures without cause)?

Do you want your daughters locked in towers and chastity belts? Can you imagine if the shoe was on the other foot and lawmakers were demanding that families could only have 1 or 2 children instead of as many as are right for you and your husband? Can you imagine if your daughters were told that at 12 or 13 they must submit to being put on birth control? We should be working together to ensure that we and our daughters have the right to treat our bodies the way we want to treat them. This is such a private matter and it should not be decided by a roomful of old, white men.

I'm especially outraged that this bill allows doctors to lie to their patients. What is happening to our country? If we can't trust our doctors to tell us the truth and to treat us with dignity and respect and HONESTY, where will we go for treatment? I will now have to ask my OB if he's a conservative or a liberal (and hope he tells me the truth) in addition to Do you take Aetna?

I am truly frightened for the future of this country. We are going backwards instead of forwards. Politicians are so busy worrying about gays and lesbians ruining the precious sanctity of marriage and unborn fetuses, and women's reproductive health that they're forgetting that we're in a recession and that we have millions of people looking for work and that we're fighting a fucking war. Get out of our bedrooms and get back to work, you fucking tools.

I will do what I can, but I am only one person. I swear to God that I will NEVER vote Republican in any election again as long as this party continues to preach and advocate against women's health. The change has to come from inside the party. I vow that I will vote in every election from here on out, including the fucking Board of Education and I will vote for anything BUT a Republican. I don't care if it's a fucking dog on the ballot and a Republican, I will vote for the dog until the Republican party changes.

And to those of you who are reading this and thinking, I don't live in Kansas, this has nothing to do with me. You're wrong. They're coming for you too. It's just a matter of time. It's a wave. They just need to get it started.

One more thing, if you don't agree with my politics and you think this bill is a good idea and you want to say so, make sure you say it respectfully.

BE RESPECTFUL TO ONE ANOTHER IN THE COMMENTS SECTION. YOUR FIGHT IS NOT WITH EACH OTHER. It may seem hypocritical for me to rant and rave and then say you can't rant and rave. I'm saying this, because I wrote this piece and I'm prepared to take criticism, but the people who comment here are not in a position to be attacked, they're just commenting and they didn't ask for a fight. If you want to fight, go start your own blog.

Weekly Wrap Up 5.6.12

2012-05-06T13:52:00.002-05:00

Well, the week is over and I'm ready to wrap this one up. I had a great time at KCUR being interviewed by Steve Krasky. I know a lot of you listened and I appreciate that. I heard from many of you that I didn't "sound" like you thought I would. I warned you guys that I sound like a 12 year old. It works great for telemarketers ("No, my mommy isn't home."). I'm not sure what you expected. I heard that I should sound "gravelly" or like I smoke 2 packs of smokes a day. Haha. Just because my personality is that of a crotchety 65 year old man, it doesn't mean I should sound like one.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Pastor Sean Harris - This post was about a pastor who encouraged his flock to beat the gay out of their kids. He's since retracted his comments and/or apologized or something like that, but I believe he's only sorry he got caught saying such horrible things.

Patricia Krentcil and Tanorexia - I learned something new this week when I was writing this one. I did not know that over tanning is an actual medical condition. Who knew? I also learned that human beings can look like leather couches.

10 Things I'm Grateful For (Seriously) - This was a total change for me. I was feeling soft and gooey and so I wrote this one. I got some heat from some jerks (what else is new?), but for the most part, the majority of the readers embraced it and added their own. It's a good exercise to try every now and again.

The Worst Interview I've Ever Had - The Hubs and I were watching a TV show where there was an embarrassing interview. The Hubs didn't think it was realistic. For me it triggered a flashback to 15 years ago when I made a complete and total ass out of myself.

And I wrote some new posts this week for Babble. You can read them here.

Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Response if Necessary):

I recently began attending a church with a friend. I've been a Christian all my life but was looking for a new church. The pastor there hasn't advocated "beating the gay out", but the message they preach is loud and clear: "we need to love these sinners enough to tell them the truth. The truth being that they are wrong." I'm having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around the fact that God would hate someone because they're gay. Aren't we all "fearfully and wonderfully made"??? I feel like some Christians, like those at this church, are making the world a lot more divisive than it was ever supposed to be. on Pastor Sean Harris

jen, this is why i think you're a great blogger!! yesterday you're punching nutella and today you take on something serious, something that needs a tough punch. thanks for keeping it all in perspective! and you're so right about this guy. why didn't his parents beat the mean out of him, since it's so cool to abuse your kids??? on Pastor Sean Harris

I love that reporters asked Snooki about it and even she said the lady was too tan and that her baby was only going to have a natural tan. on Patricia Krentcil and Tanorexia

Anyone else think "omg, why is this chick wearing "blackface" makeup?" Then I read the headline. Not sure which is worse. She needs the punch more than the jail time. on Patricia Krentcil and Tanorexia

Great job on the NPR interview, Jen! It's great to put a voice with the rants. Wink. on The Worst Interview I've Ever Had

Had one interview where I was supposed to tell a joke. Huh? I didn't know any. Awkward! I knew the job wasn't mine right then and there. on The Worst Interview I've Ever Had

I had an interviewer ask me what ingredient in a salad I would be. I said cucumber because they are cool and crunchy. I didn't get the job. on The Worst Interview I've Ever Had

I had a job interview once where they asked which character from Winnie the Pooh you were most like. So awkward! on The Worst Interview I've Ever Had

I was asked why manhole covers are round. He told me months later that the point was that I tried to answer, not that I was right. I once worked at a mall store and got to make up a couple questions when I interviewed people. I would ask what they were for Halloween; I think it tells you a lot about a person. And I'm an ant, because I'm a team player and I'm a lot stronger than I look. (B.S., but I think it sounds good.) on The Worst Interview I've Ever Had

Jen... I couldn't read this whole post because it was too happy. Wasn't what I was looking for. But I'm all up to date on your other posts, which were admirably crabby! on 10 Things I'm Grateful For (Seriously)

I love that you can be both a smart ass and positive. I think many people think you have to be either rainbows/unicorns or negative! on 10 Things I'm Grateful For (Seriously)

Patricia Krentcil and Tanorexia

2012-05-04T07:15:00.000-05:00

Tanorexia? Really? There's actually a word for people addicted to artificial tanning? If that's the case, then Patricia Krentcil is Bat Shit Tanorexic. WTF??? Have you seen her? Every time I see her on TV I just think, Why is that leather handbag talking? And then I think, Oh wait, it's a woman...I think it's the lady from Something About Mary...Did they make another one or something?

Remember when we thought THIS woman was impossibly tan?

No, I refuse to let her hide behind a "medical condition." I just don't believe it. Patricia's problem is not that she's addicted to artificial tanning, her problem is she's a nut bar - with extra nuts.

I could make a nice love seat with that leather. Oh wait! It's a person!

This lady just proves that it is harder to adopt a dog than have a kid. Parenthood is not for everyone. Some people are just too dumb to be parents and this lady is one of them.

I am a slacker parent and I own it. I don't always feed my kids the healthiest foods or answer their every beck and call. This woman is beyond slacker. This woman is plain irresponsible.

There should be a test everyone must pass to be a parent. There should be questions like: Would you ever make meth in your house? or Quick - there's a fire. What do you grab first? Your smokes, your beer or your kid? I guess now there's another question that needs to be added to my test: Is it ever appropriate to put goggles on your 5 year old and let her play in the room where you're basking in lethal rays of light?

Look, obviously Patricia Krentcil is not well. I believe that she doesn't realize how bad it was for her daughter to come in the tanning room with her - thus the need for my parent trap test. However, I don't necessarily think Patricia needs 10 years in prison to pay for this error in judgment, but I do think she needs some serious medical help. She's definitely suffering from her addiction to tanning and I just watched this TMZ video that made me think she's a little cuckoo for cocoa puffs for more than just tanning.

The Worst Interview I've Ever Had

2012-05-03T07:07:00.000-05:00

The other night, the Hubs and I watched that new show "Girls" on HBO. Hubs isn't sure what he thought of it, but I could relate to it. There was one part where the main character is sitting in a job interview and the interview is going great. She's impressing her future boss, he's enjoying her sense of humor and he's thisclose to hiring her and then she blows it by saying something completely weird and inappropriate.

The Hubs said, "Oh I don't believe that. No one would say something so stupid in an interview."

"Uhhh...." I said.

"What? You've said something that stupid? In an interview??" the Hubs asked.

Yes. Yes I did. Many, many years ago when I was probably 24 or so - just about the same age as the girl in the show, I was being interviewed by a very high profile, big wig type of guy we'll call Mr. Big Shot. (Really he should be called my Daddy is Mr. Big Shot and I'm a Big Shot by Birth, but that's a really long name.) We were in a conference room on the top floor of a fabulous building in midtown Manhattan sipping soft drinks in crystal glasses and laughing like old friends. My interview was going swimmingly. He really liked me. He thought I would be perfect for the job.

Suddenly, Mr. Big Shot realized he had a question the Human Resources manager had asked him to ask all of the candidates. He said, "It's silly really. I don't know why they're making me ask this. Some sort of way to profile people or something. Just a formality."

"Sure. No problem. I'm happy to answer it," I said, eager to please and get started at my new, fancy job.

"OK. If you were an animal what animal would you be and why?"

"If I was an animal? Do you mean, do I like animals?" I asked.

Now the Human Resources representative who was sitting on the other side of the table taking notes spoke up. "No. We want to know what animal you think best describes your personality and why."

WTF? I was ready for questions like: Tell us your greatest weakness (If anything, I work too hard and sometimes make my colleagues jealous) or How are you at working under pressure? (I thrive under pressure. I do some of my best work under pressure). I was not prepared for this random animal question.

By this time I'd taken too long to answer and I could tell I was losing my shine. So I blurted out the first thing that came in my mind: "I'm a koala bear."

"Interesting. Go on," said the HR person. "Why?" Aha! She liked it!

"I'm a koala bear, because I look little and fuzzy and sometimes a little sleepy even, but if you get too close and irritate me, I can get feisty and I have pretty big claws that will get you." And then I growled. "Rarrrrr."

At that point, the HR rep wrote something on her paper that looked like a giant X and Mr. Big Shot went dead in the eyes.

I'd lost him. I had to get him back. I scrambled and said to him, "Oh! And koalas are cute - just like me. You think I'm cute, right? Or at least you did just a few minutes ago." He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

And then, just in case I wasn't sure I'd completely lost the job yet, I sealed the deal by WINKING at the man.

Yup. I winked at Mr. Big Shot. WTF??!!!

I don't remember how the interview ended, but I know it didn't last much longer and I'm pretty sure security might have escorted me from the building.

Today I'm being interviewed on KCUR at 11 am. Let's hope it goes better than this one, but at least it's radio, so no one will know if I'm winking or not.

Pastor Sean Harris

2012-05-02T07:51:00.001-05:00

Well, if this isn't everything I absolutely hate. Have you heard of this guy yet? Apparently, Sean Harris is a Pastor of a North Carolina church and on Sunday he gave his parishioners a "special dispensation" to "punch" their effeminate boys and "rein" in their girls so that they "talk like a girl, walk like a girl and smell like a girl." The media got wind of this tirade and published his fiery rant that you can listen to here. This is the quote:

"So your little son starts to act a little girlish when he is four years old and instead of squashing that like a cockroach and saying, 'Man up, son, get that dress off you and get outside and dig a ditch, because that is what boys do,' you get out the camera and you start taking pictures of Johnny acting like a female and then you upload it to YouTube and everybody laughs about it and the next thing you know, this dude, this kid is acting out childhood fantasies that should have been squashed.

Dads, the second you see your son dropping the limp wrist, you walk over there and crack that wrist. Man up. Give him a good punch. Ok? You are not going to act like that. You were made by God to be a male and you are going to be a male. And when your daughter starts acting too butch, you reign her in. And you say, 'Oh, no, sweetheart. You can play sports. Play them to the glory of God. But sometimes you are going to act like a girl and walk like a girl and talk like a girl and smell like a girl and that means you are going to be beautiful. You are going to be attractive. You are going to dress yourself up.'"

Now that the media has outed him as an advocate of child abuse, the pastor has published a "clarification" where he says his words were misquoted.

Hmmm...I don't know, the audio was pretty clear to me. I didn't hear anything that required clarification. I heard him loud and clear tell his audience to punch their kids if they seem gay to them.

And we wonder why so many young homosexual people are killing themselves.

What a despicable person this pastor is. What is wrong with this man? What preacher gets on his pulpit and tells his followers to squash their children's behavior like a "cockroach"? Where is the love? Where is the compassion? Where is the understanding for a child who might be struggling or might not be secure in himself or herself?

I am angry - no, I am furious - because Sean Harris is basically telling his flock to beat the gay out of their kids. Actually, he's not even saying just gay kids need to be beat. He's saying if your kid is just an effeminate boy or a tomboyish girl they need to be set straight - physically. He's encouraging his people to hit 4 year olds.

Who are the people in church giggling and calling out "Amen" when he tells the Dads to "crack that wrist"?? It is disgusting and depressing to me that these people are parents and they can laugh at such pointed calls for violence against children who don't fit their ideals. These people are supposed to protect their children and to love them unconditionally and instead they're chuckling at the idea of slapping the gay out of them like they're in a comedy club. Even worse, they're raising a new generation of close-minded people who will continue on in their parent's path.

I am so tired of people like Sean Harris who just take the words of the Bible and twist them and turn them to suit their needs when they want to hate someone. We all "pick and choose" the parts of the Bible we're going to hold gospel. Everyone just picks different parts. I'm going to pick "love your neighbor as yourself."

RESIDENTS OF NORTH CAROLINA: Fight discrimination and VOTE NO on Amendment One on May 8.

Photo source: David Costello Dominici

10 Things I'm Grateful For (Seriously)

2012-05-01T13:14:00.001-05:00

I saw that You Know It Happens At Your House Too set up a challenge for 10 Things I'm Grateful For and then I read Jen's list and so I decided, what the hay? I'll join in.

I know, I know, I don't usually do the positive stuff, but this one got me thinking. I do gripe a lot and I don't want everyone to think that's how I always am. I really do have a lot to be grateful for and it wouldn't kill me to acknowledge that.

I actually have a good friend who won't even read this blog, because she finds it too negative. She asked me a long time ago to write something positive for every negative thing I wrote. I laughed in her face, of course. Maybe she'll read this one at least.

1. My Family. By family I mean the whole clan. I have a fairly large extended family and we're all pretty tight. When you ask my kids the names of their best friends, their cousins are always at the top of their list. We get together a lot. "If it's Wednesday, then it must be the 5th anniversary of Uncle Larry's gall bladder surgery. Let's all celebrate with dinner at Mimi's Cafe!" We have no qualms rolling into a restaurant and asking for a table for 25. Sure, we fight and get on each other's nerves, but at the end of the day, we're family and you don't mess with my family.

2. My Kids. Yes, my kids are part of my family, but they're the only two members of my family I'm willing to take a bullet for. Sorry, Hubs, you're on your own - we will miss you, but I know you'd want it that way.

My kids are the two best things that ever happened to me. They make me laugh, they make happy, and they make me tired (it can't all be rainbows and sunshine, people). They teach me unconditional love and they encourage me to be a better person - or at least look better. I can't remember my life before them. That's not true, it was pretty nice.

3. The Hubs. Again, sort of part of my family - but different. (I'm going to try and not get too sappy here.) By now you've all realized that I require a special sort of person to love me. I am not the easiest person to love and I am grateful I found the Hubs and that he could see past my overalls and continues to think my Crocs are a fashion statement.

He makes me laugh constantly with his weak attempts to woo me and his pickle-like features. Now that he has his own page, I know you guys can see what I'm talking about. He's a fantastic dad and he's a great partner in life. Not only do we share a home and kids, we share a real estate business and he's really involved behind the scenes with the blog. I couldn't do any of my jobs as well as I do without him. He's my lobster.

4. My Friends (IRL). I have many acquaintances, but very few close friends. I am difficult for the Hubs to love and I am also difficult for my friends to love. I know they put up with a lot and I appreciate their efforts. Nothing makes me feel better than to go out with my friends and have a good belly laugh.

I am grateful that my friends and I can be honest with one another - like my friend who got a boob job and let us look them over and give our honest opinions (fabulous, btw - ALMOST made me want to go under the knife) or my OAM friend who is a mess maker with her Elf and proud of it, yet still manages to find the humor in what I write. We can be honest about our kids and not bullshit each other about what a "wonnnnnderful and amaaaaazing leader" Jane is in her Pre-K class or how Michael is destined to be a golf prodigy (see, my friends don't give their kids weird names either).

5. This Blog. I know I said I'd only take a bullet for my kids, but at this point I'd take a bullet for the blog too - my third child. I am grateful that I have the time, energy, flexibility and desire to write on this blog (couldn't be done without the Hubs and family). It keeps me sane.

6. My Sense of Humor. I have always been a funny person and there have been times in my life that are darker than others. Those were the times that I forgot I had a sense of humor. Those were the times when I let myself take things way too seriously and when I forgot to have a good laugh at myself and those around me. I'm so glad that I've found it again over these last several years and I vow to never let it go.

7. Eddie Bauer. I've said it before, but it bears repeating: I wear a lot of Eddie Bauer and EB-type clothing. Without Eddie Bauer I'd probably wear plastic bags.

Trends come and go and I never know what they are, but I know that Eddie Bauer will always have something for me to wear. There is nothing better than getting a new Layered Scoop Neck shirt in Watermelon to go with my Backpack Ripstop Capris in Pumice. I am grateful to you, EB, for always keeping it real for me and always selling comfy shoes.

8. The Readers. I am especially grateful for the thousands of you who read this blog. You cannot know what it means to me when I read an email from one of you or a comment from one of you and know that you took the time to sit down and read what I wrote and then took more time to let me know what you thought of it. I even appreciate the ones who disagree with me - at least they read it. Plus, I know that if I have an especially crappy day where I get a lot of negative comments I will have a positive, uplifting email in my inbox from at least one of my new friends.

9. My Community. I joke a lot about the Stepford Community that I live in, but I am grateful to live here. I'm grateful that my children have excellent public schools with teachers who adore them and inspire them. I'm grateful that we live in a safe community where housing is affordable and rates are low and my listings are selling in an average of 10 days. (Yes, that was a gratuitous real estate plug.) I'm grateful that our community is so well planned out that I have 3 Targets in a 5 mile radius. A true blessing indeed!

10. Nutella. Before I found Nutella, I was feeding my kids fruits and vegetables and then I watched the ads on television for Nutella and realized I had a miracle food in my pantry. It's weird, because when I read the nutrition label, it didn't sound terrific, but the television ads convinced me I just couldn't read very well. I think it has broccoli or something in it, but it's just listed by it's scientific name on the ingredients. Now my kids eat this healthy, delicious chocolate spread morning, noon and night without a fuss. Thank you, Nutella, for being so wholesome and nutritious. (You knew I'd never make it to 10 without being a smartass, right?)

Your turn. What are you grateful for?

Weekly Wrap Up 4.28.12

2012-04-29T11:31:00.000-05:00

What a douchetacular week this was! The Hubs and I had a great time taking on the douches of America. It made our marriage stronger to fight a common enemy, so I'd like to thank all the douches who made it possible.

Holy crap, this is a long one! I hope you finish it, because it's got some kick ass comments.

Top Read Posts This Week:

Douchey Dads - Whoa Nelly, this one started some discussion, didn't it? I haven't seen so many panties in a bunch since the Elf on the Shelf. I think it's real interesting that I can bash on OAMs, women celebrities, women I see at school or at the store and no one says "boo" to me. But the MINUTE I talk about a man being a dick, I always get a few jackholes who pull this shit: "stick to what you know" (little woman). I always add the little woman part in my head, because it just sounds better. Or "why don't you write about minivans and elves, because you don't know anything about men." (Sweetheart.) Again, just more assholish.

If it's not these dicks telling me to mind my own business, it's their lady folk coming out to defend their men. They really can cause a fury, can't they? I'm sorry your husband is a tool and you just figured that out. It's not my fault that many in this world see him this way and you missed the memo.

When I wasn't being told to shut it, I was accused of being jealous. Jealous of what, exactly? Let's see, I work from home, I'm self employed and I can afford a cluuuubb membership. I could easily be at the club in the middle of the day yukking it up and posing like a big wig with those asswipes closing deals and whatnot - I'm in sales after all. So I guess I'm not jealous of that. Oh I know, I must be jealous of their ability to shit without stank. That is a gift.

Douchey Dad Revisted - I really wanted to be done with all the haters that commented on my post. I thought that a lot of you guys really put these dickheads in their place (thank you for always stepping up and defending me, it means a lot to me) and I just was over it and ready to move on.

The Hubs was hot, though. He decided he had something to say and wow, did he say it!

All of the love he received on this post inspired him to start his own Facebook page and I think he's toying with the idea of a blog. Lord help us if he becomes more popular than me.

Step One of My World Domination Plan - I'm going to be interviewed by Kansas City's NPR station next week and I was ruminating on what exactly I'll say when the interviewer calls my bullshit. "What makes you different?" Even with all the kind words and amazing comments, I'm still pretty sure I sound like a 12 year old girl and I'm going to mumble something like, "Umm....uhh....I say 'fuck' a lot. Oh, crap, can I say that on NPR?"

I think it will be Thursday that I do the interview. I will let you know on my Facebook page, Twitter and the blog. If you're local you can hear it on the radio at KCUR or you can listen to the podcast or live on their website.

Me & My Cleaning Lady - Update on Rosa. She really did move to Omaha. All of her clients got dumped. Her husband got a job offer while she was visiting family in Mexico and he couldn't wait for her to get back. She was aware he was going, so it wasn't like she came home to an empty house or anything. On Monday she showed up at my door with her daughter, Rosa Jr., and offered to have her clean my house. It caught me by such surprise that I wasn't sure what to do. I heard from many of you recommending your cleaning ladies too. I think I'll start with Rosa's daughter and see how I like her and if I'm not happy I'll start interviewing the list I have. Thanks for the referrals!

My Favorite Comments of the Week (and My Replies If Necessary):

Ok, so I have been thinking about all these comments, and I do see some of the opposing points. I agree that you can't know any given persons specific situation. This particular guy may or may not have been a DD, this occourance just made it sound that way. Any one given guy out there that does something douchey may not be a DD, BUT that does not change the fact that there are DD's out there. Ok, maybe the yucking and fake tone and douchey 'in the way-ness' and "concern" over the tooth may have all been accidental coincidences, maybe the guy is an on call doc and is hardly ever at that club, does not change the fact that we all know the KIND of person Jenn is talking about and you can picture them and that false tone and the yucking - the GD yucking....and it is f'n funny!!

Adressing the people that say "well at least he is around and involved" - the title is not "Bad, jackass, POS, deadbeat dad", it is Douchey Dad, so I don't think Jenn was trying to address that particular sort of dad at all. (correct me if I am wrong, Jenn).
I admire the people that politely disagree, they say "hm, just didn't get it Jenn, and I don't agree but I will keep reading", as Jenn is, you are also entitled to your oppinion and you make it easy for me to respect your oppinion when you put it respectfully without angrily lashing out with evil rants.
I fear the people that were the most ANGRY about a funny light-hearted jab at a general type of person either KNOW this person, his wife or are a whooooole lot like them.
That is all (for now), Devan on Douchey Dads

Exactly! This guy was a douche because he came into our space and took over. We rented the room from the club and we were getting ready for a private event that he was not invited to. Maybe this is the room he always steps into to take his calls, because usually it's empty, fine. All I wanted him to do was acknowledge that he was in the way. All he needed to do was look up from his self-absorbed phone call and say, "Whoops, I didn't realize anyone was in here. Sorry about that." Instead, he proceeded to have a private, loud, annoying conversation with his wife and kid and even when he was prompted with, "Excuse me," the guy moved 6 inches. Six inches, people, and not a bit more. This is why he's a douche.

Why are there so many people saying "Give the Dad the benefit of the doubt". This is pathetic. Why is it that when a father does something he SHOULD do, he is appaulded? WTF? Seriously? I know that there are a LOT of so called men out there that don't do the right thing, but this is ludicrous. Why do we allow ourselves to let it slide when "men" don't step up. The reason this Dad is a Douche is because he wasn't sincere. His wife probably gave him the heads up before he answered the phone what Champ was going to call about. Your Damn right he SHOULD have taken the call. What he also should have done is taken the call outside or to a really privite room where people were not clearly working to get an event set up. on Douchey Dads

Precisely. Yeah, he talked to his kid, but seriously why should he get props for that? Why do dads always get bonus points for parenting and mothers only lose points? No one ever congratulates a mother for taking her kid's call. He's the kid's dad, of course he should talk to him. He was not in the middle of a business meeting (believe me, I could hear that whole conversation too and it was not business related in the least) when the kid called. He stepped out so as not to disturb his buddies and never once thought about the little ladies that were working in the next room.

No one said that success makes you a douche, being a fucking douche makes you a douche, you idiot. on Douchey Dads

Word.

Douchery is not a class issue. Jen was just pointing out this particular flavor of douchery in this post. She was not saying that rich fathers are automatically DDs. Good people can belong to country clubs and have money. She was just pointing out just how self-entitled and phony this class of douche is. For me, where he really became the douche was when he was worrying about what his MOMMY thought about the gap in his child's front teeth because it may "ruin" the family photo? If he were a real man and his mother complained about that, he would tell her to piss off. Somehow, I think he is more worried about his inheritance. on Douchey Dads

I deal with a lot of DDs. How do they play golf on Tuesdays? They're salesmen those motherfuckers get paid oodles of cash for taking clients out to "dinner" which ususally involves at least one girl named Montage and one named Cherry. They are usually married to Princess Moms who drive expensive GIGANTIC SUVs while texting their “girls” with one hand and sipping their Venti Decaf Soy five-pump Raspberry No-whip extra Horseshit mocha from Starbucks. The get “push presents” and are probably getting it on with the next door neighbor’s wife or the hot looking Mexican guy that mows the lawn. They annoy the shit out of me by using the word gift as a verb and saying ah-MAY-zing while they discuss how smart their brain damaged progeny are, or how much it costs each year for said offspring to attend private school, at which both will have their first gay experience. They haven’t worked a real job since they first got out of college, know all the best plastic surgeons and drone on endlessly about shoes, bolt-on breasts and cupcakes/macaroons/whatever food fad is going at that day. They don’t how to cook, think the Poors are that way because it’s their own fault and probably go to a church where Jesus is more like Eddie Vedder, including the rock and roll, than a role model on Douchey Dads

And that comment, folks, is from my uncle. I was raised to rant. Check him out. It's a narcissistic week at PIWTPITT.

I call my son, bud all the time. I know his name. I like his name. Really, a post about this? And if you want to be snarky, maybe his son is named Gomer and prefers to be called Champ ;-O. Glass houses. on Douchey Dads

I'll just let this be my response, you dumbass:

Come on, how can you even compare the two. Gomer is a sophisticated and adult name, while champ is the name of a dog. Also, Adolpha is probably a family name, Jen's great-great grandmother who arrived on a rowboat from the Titanic was probably named Adolpha. I'm sure you could have gathered as much if you read more than the titles of a couple posts. And granted, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, but they also have a great view of the douchiness around them. on Douchey Dads

I just have a quick question, and I am sure I will be flamed, but I honestly do want to know. When "Gomer" is 12-13 and bullies, what will you say? When he tells you he is just being funny at someone's expense, will that make it ok? What if he is not calling anyone out by name, but just making fun of a group, maybe the kids in band. Is that okay? I read your blog for the first time with the elf like probably everyone here. I thought it was funny even though I do think of funny things to do with ours. I have stopped by a few times since then, and many of the posts are just mean. It isn't the wit and laugh at yourself type stuff. It is attacking someone's parenting in this instance. I think you can call it what you want, but there is a big problem with bullying in schools and if the parents are teaching it and condoning it, it will only make it worse. You can blow this off, which I am sure people will, but there are real kids who are breaking because they are made fun of on Douchey Dad Revisited

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I don't consider what I write bullying. I'm not a bully. I am sick and tired of people who share this planet with me who don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. We all live here together and every time I turn around I find that people are becoming ruder and ruder and I'm sick of it and I'm not going to let people get away with it. This post was not about his parenting. I could give a fuck what he calls his kid and how great the tooth fairy event is in his home, what I care about is how inconsiderate he was of the people surrounding him. How self-absorbed he was when he was on the phone and how oblivious he was to those around him.

My other "mean" rants or "bullying" posts are about the unnecessary pressures that society and the media and each other put on us to be "perfect" parents or "perfect" wives and I'm fed up with all that shit too. I'm fed up with hearing about how I'm not a worthwhile person, because I didn't make my Elf ice skate on a frozen toilet or make Bento box lunches for my children from the free-range organically fed chickens that we raised in our backyard or wear the coolest brand of skinny jeans or whatever the fuck is popular right now. I don't write these posts to be mean, I write these with the hopes that maybe someone who behaves like this will get a reality check, but more importantly, I write these posts for the people who are made to feel worthless, because they can't keep up with all of this shit. I let them know that it's OK to laugh and say, Who cares?

On the flip side, I've been called "ugly" and told "God don't love you" and I've been told that my son will grow up to be a rapist, because of the way I'm raising him. Is that bullying? Or am I just getting what's coming to me, because I put my opinion out there and someone didn't care for it? I don't cry "bully." I'm a judgmental person and I know I'm judgmental. We're all judgmental, I just happen to be someone who readily admits it and knows that when I judge I'll be judged back.

In answer to your question, I will not condone my children bullying anyone. I expect they will have senses of humor and my guess is they'll both be a bit sarcastic. Every kid teases another kid or a group of kids and I am positive that at some point, my children will too. A bully doesn't tease or poke fun at someone. Are we not allowed to even poke fun at anyone anymore? This is not bullying. A bully systematically assaults someone either physically or emotionally. A bully harms and intimates a weaker person. My kids won't do that.

I do hope that Gomer and Adolpha are both bullshit callers. I plan to raise them to be independent thinkers as much as I can. I want them to realize how much better it is to be themselves and to be their own person, rather than worrying about what everyone else is wearing, driving or doing. My greatest fear is that they become sheeple and go along with the herd - bullies are sheeple. If anything, they will most likely be the ones who will be bullied, because if I am successful in raising them the way I want, they will not be popular and they will be outspoken and opinionated and probably a target themselves.

Anon 11:01 AM - Seriously hit the nail on the head so I'm reposting it for all the people that can't seem to grasp the objective of this blog: Anonymous Apr 27, 2012 11:01 AM "Jen is not "bullying" this guy, or "poking fun of him", just calling it like she see's it. Pretty positive she was just calling a spade a spade. If she had cut on his nerdiness looks, or fat, then that may be bullying, but she wasn't. I believe Gomer will grow up knowing the difference between bullying & being shocked enough by someone else's behavior that he can laugh about it like his mother. Have you never talked about the rudeness of strangers? Bitched about the guy who cut you off while driving? laughed at the purely asinine things some people do? Pretty sure we all have, and that's why we enjoy Jen's rants so much, she puts it out there, and we can laugh together." THIS EXACTLY. on Douchey Dad Revisited

The comments are almost as funny as the blog! on Douchey Dad Revisited

Every week!

Seriously, Douchey Dads and OAM's just roll with it, Jen just calls it like it is, that is why we all love her. I, myself, am a crunchy granola type mom. Jen recently punched me and guess what, I laughed! She hit it right on, I annoy myself sometimes with my recycling and "being green". If you can't laugh at yourself then maybe should punch yourself in the throat. on Douchey Dad Revisited

The Hubs, if you ever get tired of Jen and her online tirades......will you marry me? (of course we'll have to find a way to get rid of my Hubs but why let a little homicide get in the way of love?!) :-) on Douchey Dad Revisited

FIRST the title of your blog peaked my interest...I havent even made it past todays post to learn more about you or your family and I am in LOVE! Actually, I may just be in love with your husband! (kidding!...sort of) today's post is SOOOOO funny! I am a new follower!! Now excuse me while I go read all your previous posts. on Douchey Dad Revisited

Easy killers. The Hubs is receiving a few too many indecent proposals for my liking. It's time to make him unattractive. Have I told you about his ability to fart and burp on command? Have I mentioned his wonky chest hair? Yes, I said "hair." He only has one. Back off ladies, this funny Romeo is all mine.

OK Jen, don't feel bad, but I think I enjoyed this even more than the other Douchey post. *ducks flying wine glass!* Sorry I hope he doesn't get a big head...I know my husband would. (thank God you've been playing along w/ the drinking game or that glass might have actually hit it's mark! Feeling a little sloshed myself) on Douchey Dad Revisited

Wow, using "douche" in a post 31 times is absolutely douchetacular.I couldn't make it into a drinking game, however, because I'd be plastered before the first paragraph ended. Sir, I salute you and your douchetastic vocabulary.LOL on Douchey Dad Revisited

if you don't like the opinions and point of views expressed in PIWTPITT or any blog for that matter, DONT READ IT! For some of us, reading these rants make us physically laugh out loud, and for that I am truly grateful. Punch On! on Douchey Dad Revisited

I cannot believe you are taking time to write a blog post during the day instead of being with your kids! At least those guys were networking with real people, you are talking to cyberspace and trying to feed your wife's ego. Btw...I'm a mom. Not a country club mom, just a mom....who thinks you are both douches. on Douchey Dad Revisited

Bully! Right? She called me a name. I'm being bullied, aren't I? OK, maybe not. So, my question is when should he write it? During dinner with the kids? The kids were at school when he wrote this. You Madame are a Douchette!

Do you or your husband not work during the day? You must be trust fund kids who just spend all day making special memories for your kids and homeschooling them so you can never be apart. That's sweet. The Hubs and I don't have that luxury. We work during the day while our kids are at school and even (gasp) when they are home since we don't send them to daycare after school (double gasp). FYI, don't worry, I'm writing this at 8 o'clock at night after my kids are safely tucked into bed.

I love that you think it's OK to be away from your kids to "network with real people", but writing a blog and feeding my ego is not worth being away from my kids. Thank you for setting us straight. Next time the Hubs is ready to guest blog, I'll be sure to send him to the bar with his buddies so they can yuk it up and network while he writes and leaves me home with the kids.

You totally described my clients, as a travel agent, we deal w/ a group of investment bankers. That is exactly what they do, their wives are all jr league types, their kids go to private school, and are named after cheese (Colby and Brie), or furniture, yes I have a client named after a piece of furniture. They go to the Caribbean for spring break, own homes on exclusive islands along the east coast, and wouldn't dream of putting a foot in Disney World. Still, they pay us the bucks to do it, and are very nice to us, but they have their moments. Not all of them are like this, but quite a few are. Great blog, tell the haters to suck it. on Douchey Dads

I can't find it, but there was a classic comment response to this one about naming your kid "Velveeta." Loved it. All of these names will appear in posts at some point.

Umm, hello. I thought the title Douchey Dads implied judgement. This entire blog is about judging people, it's the bread and butter of her work. Punching people in the throat would be nearly impossible without making judgments. on Douchey Dads

Please tell me you at least whispered something Jen...please tell me you didnt let this one go without a word...He deserved a "oh honey dont worry about his missing tooth...your missing soul on the other hand could be an issue." on Douchey Dads

Isn't it always the way that half an hour later you think of a great zinger like that? I never think of them until it's too late!

I think you are wonderful Jen and I rank you up there with the bloggers you mentioned in your list. You say it like it is and call out the BS with a bullhorn. I love it! Keep up the good work! Need to do coffee again soon! on Step One of My World Domination Plan

Yes, please!

I want to say a really, really BIG THANK YOU to you Jen, for giving those of us who have felt so overwhelmed to the point of absurdity...and honestly to the point of inferiority & even sadness & guilt in a world the seemed to be marketed & dominated by the OAM's. I am not a domestic goddess, I can barely boil water, my yard lacks even an inch of "curb appeal", the list could go on forever. But I am creative, yet for a long time I described myself as someone who "used to be" creative. Why? Instead of finding joy in the things I COULD do, I was overwhelmed by what I couldn't do...The easiest way I can explain this is thru an example- like many people I could make homemade cards/invitations for my kids parties...BUT I would get so caught up in what was lacking (painstakingly detailed cutout 3-D pieces, hand written quirky little poems about my kids, you name it..) that I would end up going to the store at the very last minute buying whatever I could grab before the store closed & sending on Step One of My World Domination Plan

What makes you different? How many people have said, "you're my long lost twin" or "I think we share a brain" since you have started this blog? You're real. You identify with the everyday mom out there and that sets you apart from so many. You say what most of us are thinking in our heads. I read a couple different blogs but yours is the only one I read religiously and laugh out loud at most days. And you're the first person I think I could seriously stalk....in a good way though. Good thing you kept your trip to NH under wraps till you were on your way out! LOL on Step One of My World Domination Plan

And this is why I don't consider myself a bully. Thank you for these comments.

WHEN you drive your swager-wagon to the Big Girl Party.... don't you DARE worry what they think!! Keep on being you!! They're all worried what YOU think!! on Step One of My World Domination Plan

Douchey Dad Revisited

2012-04-26T14:16:00.001-05:00

'Guest post from The Hubs'

Apparently Jen hit a douchey nerve with her previous post.

I had no idea Jen had so many Douchey Dad readers and that they cared so much what she thinks or writes. Before Jen started writing I never even heard of or read a blog before. I think I was too busy on the golf course with my Douchey Dad friends. Now that she has found a great audience and her voice, I fully support her writing and her sharp wit - even if she makes me look like a bitch sometimes.

Well, I want to answer some of the Douchey Dads, because they obviously need and want the attention, so I am going to give it to them. If you are reading this and you are a dad - a douchey one, I just have to say one thing: "What the fuck?" Why would you waste your precious time reading a chick blogger that you don't even know? I understand why the ladies and the great dads read the blog. It's because they can relate to and understand the sarcasm and recognize the humor in their lives. I read Jen because she is my wife. But for the Douchey Dad, "You sir need to get a life and stop being a total and complete douche."

Here is my theory on why the Douchey Dads are coming out and the OAMs are coming out as well. The Douchey Dad is embarrassed that he is such a douche, and the OAM wife is really embarrassed that she is married to a complete and total douche and now everyone knows it. They make up the complete family sized douche canoe. The Douchey Dad feels bad that he has completely missed out on his kids' childhood and does not want to be called out and the OAM is overcome with guilt that she has allowed this to happen, but the only choice she has is to "stand by her man." Well, guess what? Your Douchey Dad husband will always be a douche because you don't tell him not to be one. Hey, Douchey Dad, you still have a chance not to be a douche, but my guess is you are too douchey to even recognize that.

Someone thinks that we are jealous of their lives. If you think I am jealous of playing golf all day with a bunch of douchey guys sitting around talking about total and complete bullshit, you are wrong. I have spent time with these douche bags, and they are not all bad, just some of them, but I still don't want their lives.

As for being rich equates to being a douche...that is not the case at all. Lots of wealthy guys who belong to country clubs are great dads and not douche bags, but there is a subset of the population that happens to have money and they are total and complete Douchey Dads. Case in point, the Douchey Dad who Jen wrote about and the Douche Dads who got all upset after the post and whined about it.

Douchey Dads will wonder, why is the Hubs writing a response to us? Where's Jen? She can fight her own battles. Well, that is very true. Jen did not even want to talk about this anymore because it was over and she felt like those guys were jackholes and didn't warrant a response from her. But I felt that the Douchey Dad really needed more inspection and attention, so I wanted to write this. After all, I want to fully understand why someone is such a douche.

As for any more Douchey Dad comments, feel free to let the world know just how much of a loser Douchey Dad you really are. We love your pageviews and your douchey ways. All of the readers love to see them because they show us of what a true Douchey Dad is all about.

Also, if you are playing along...Douche or Douchey has been used 34 times in this post, so drink up!

Douchey Dads

2012-04-25T14:00:00.000-05:00

Last night I attended an auction at a chic country club. I arrived early to help the organizers set up and I was surprised to find the bar full of young, well dressed (if you can call expensive plaid shorts well dressed), golf playing, thousands of dollars a year for dues paying men sitting around drinking and yukking it up. I wanted to say, "Hey...where do you guys work that you can spend half of a Tuesday golfing at this expensive club?" (I also wanted to hand all of them my real estate business card, because these guys look like the type who might need a good divorce attorney and Realtor in their Rolodex's at all times.)

I started setting up tables, but I just couldn't control my irritation at these guys. Everything about them rubbed me the wrong way. Their stupid plaid shorts, their expensive drinks and the yukking. God, the yukking. I've never heard laughter that was so phony and so forced. It sounded like a combination of sea lions and parrots barking at each other.

Who are these guys? I wondered. I've never seen anything like them. Most dads I know are either jocky or goofy. Most dads I know only take off work this early if it's a family emergency or their child is in a performance at school. And then I realized. I know who they are.

They're the husbands of the overachieving moms. They're the Douchey Dads. Their time spent at the "cluuubbbb" (you gotta stretch it out when you read it) enables and/or forces the OAMs to create memories, because the Douchey Dad is missing everything, but his golf game is ah-May-zing! The OAM needs a scrapbook for each month so she can show Douchey Dad what she and the kids do all day while he's bringing home the bacon and frying it up on golf course.

Their status as Douchey Dads was confirmed to me a few minutes later when one DD stepped out of the bar to take a call. He didn't want to disrupt his cronies, so instead he stepped right into the middle of the room where we were working. Yeah, don't mind us. Keep acting like you own the joint and we just work here, dick.

"Hello?" he answered with a deep, professional voice that said I'm a businessman doing important work, not sitting in the bar at the cluuubbbb in the middle of the day. Immediately his voice changed and went straight to an accent I've never had the pleasure of hearing before. I will call it the "ritzy suburban golf club voice." It's like the Dolce moms' voices only just slightly deeper, but with just as much affectation. This voice makes the Dolce moms' voices sound human. This voice made me want to scream at him: "No one actually sounds like that, you dumbass."

Instead of screaming, I went silent, though so I could listen to his whole conversation and share it with you now:

"Heyyyy, Champ! How are you, Buddy? Uh huh. Uh huh. Mmm hmm," he droned on and checked his fingernails (Truly! Like a bad movie!). "Wait," he looked up from his manicure. Something had caught his attention and now he was listening closely. I thought maybe Champ/Buddy was hurt and calling for help. "What did you just say? You did? You lost a tooth? At school? How did that happen? The nurse just pulled it out? Wow. With her fingers or something? That's unbelievable. Which one? A bottom one? Wow, Champ. You must feel incredible! Hey, Buddy? Let me talk to mom, OK?"

He was completely in my way at this point, so I asked him to move. He sidestepped six inches. Obviously Tooth-a-geddon was far more important than what I was trying to do. Thanks, asshat. Now I don't feel so bad that I'm going to document your idiotic conversation for the ages.

"Hey, Baby. (Champ and Baby. I wonder what his name is? Stud?) First tooth, huh? How are you doing? (I'm a wreck, Stud. You know I'm going to need Botox. Once your kids start losing teeth, that forehead wrinkle firms up and becomes permanent. Bitsy told me and I totally believe her.) So the tooth fairy comes tonight, huh? Are you ready? (Of course I'm ready, Stud. I'm a good mother.) I mean, do you have everything for what you wanted to do? (I don't leave anything to chance. I've been ready for this night since he turned 3.) Right. Right. No, no, no. Of course you're ready. Do you have time? (There's never enough time, Stud. I'll need at least 3 hours just to work on lighting so I can get great photos and set the mood. I'll need to make the tooth fairy punch and choose between his 6 tooth fairy pillows I've bought over the years. I'll need to change his sheets, because right now he has tacky ones on there and I want the ones that complements his bedspread. Of course, some things like the fairy dust will have to wait until he's asleep. It's going to be a long night and I could use a little help.) Oh, OK. Well, I could come and get him and take him out for dinner while you get your tooth fairy business done. I could be done here in a couple hours. OK, I'll see you then. Oh wait, hey Baby....?"

He touched some of our auction items and pretended to look closely at a gift card for an all you can eat buffet that he's probably never set foot in. He was having some kind of internal struggle I could tell. He wanted to ask something, but now he was afraid. "How does it look? Honestly. We have that photo shoot with my family this weekend. Does he look OK?"

It struck me. No wonder this DD spends so much time at the cluuubbbb bar in the middle of the day. He was raised by an OAM and a Douchey Dad and now he's just repeating that vicious cycle. He's afraid to tell his OAM wife the fear he has of telling his own OAM that his kid might ruin her perfect family photo - actually, I think these types of people call them "portraits." It was (almost) unbearable to watch (and eavesdrop on), but I managed. "Right. Right. No, you're right. I'm sure it's adorable. But...I should probably call my mother...and, y'know...warn her."

Stop the cycle! There should be a telethon for these people!

Here is the response post from the Hubs. Douchey Dads revisited.

Step One of My World Domination Plan

2012-04-24T10:19:00.000-05:00

So my world domination plan is starting in early May. I'm going to be interviewed by a local NPR radio station (I have to start somewhere and Ellen and Anderson Cooper still haven't called).

An intern did a preliminary interview with me to make sure I actually have something to say that's interesting. One of the questions she asked me was: What is your specialty? What makes you different than the other "mommy bloggers" out there.

I am a mom. I blog. Does that really make me a mommy blogger?

Ugh. Can't you just ask me about my closet?

It got me thinking about the big bloggers out there. The bloggers who have the sort of success that I dream about. What makes them different from one another? I know what makes them similar. They're all great story-tellers with powerful voices who like to mix a little humor with a side of serious and/or heartwarming.

Let's see, there's:

1. The Pioneer Woman. PW's blog isn't a blog anymore, it's truly an Empire, with a capital "E." She has books, television shows, recipes, photos, homeschooling tips, the proper cowboy wife etiquette tips, and more. My suspicion is that Ree Drummond is a droid. She's like the Plucky, Down Home Model of the Martha Stewart robot. The Pioneer Woman is just like Martha Stewart, if MS was friendly, unafraid of needless calories and farmed in Oklahoma instead of Connecticut. Truly, is there anything PW cannot do? Even her dog wrote a book! (Mothra's won the Westminster Dog Show, I'm sure his book detailing his trials and tribulations to get that blue ribbon will be out soon.)

To me, PW comes across as the patron saint of the overachievers mixed with Bella Swan. I just read her memoir and all she wrote about was what brand name clothes she wore on her dates with her cowboy (Who wears heels to a ranch?), the fancy food she cooked for her hungry, hard working man (Of course of he's a meat and potatoes kind of guy - why did that surprise you?) and how clumsy she was around his virile, masculine body (How many times can she almost fall down and be rescued by his strong, ropy, muscular arms? Almost as many times as Bella was kept safe by Edward.)

2. The Bloggess. AKA the "One I Aspire to Be." Hands down, The Bloggess is the funniest blogger out there (says the second funniest). I had the Elf on the Shelf, which was a cute little viral post, but she had the epic viral post about Beyonce, which still makes me laugh every time I think Knock, knock, motherfucker.

Jenny Lawson is my kind of mom. I would love to hang out at a playgroup with her, especially if she brought her one of a kind Mommy business cards. The Bloggess has a gift for connecting with her readership and getting them to do some crazy shit. Like take pictures of themselves with balls of twine, send around a red dress for everyone to share, buy Christmas presents for needy families, and bring big metal chickens with them to book signings (her book dropped earlier this month and I'm devastated that Kansas City is not on the book tour). She also has an animal fixation, only hers are dead. She collects taxidermied animals and dresses them up and turns their images into greeting cards.

3. Dooce. Even though PW and The Bloggess have bigger audiences, Dooce is the mother of us all. Heather Armstrong started blogging back in the day when no one even knew what blogging was. Even back then, I remember my sister in law telling me how funny Dooce was. I started reading and I got hooked. Her dog also has his own tab on her blog. (What's with these girls and their dogs? Hmm....maybe I need a dog.) She writes about everything from getting fired for writing about her co-workers to depression to building furniture from Ikea (gotta love the blatant product placements) and now she's been writing lately about how emotionally spent she is with everything going on in her personal life (her new book came out this month and she's getting divorced).

4. Scary Mommy. When I think about it, I honestly don't think I've read anything that Jill Smokler has written. She says she writes about the fact that parents don't have to be perfect - I like that, but I can't really find stuff she's written! I've been to her site numerous times and every time I'm completely overwhelmed by the amount of information there.

She has giveaways, she has a forum where people can chat, a place where parents can confess their parenting sins, and she encourages you to buy her book. I heard her book that just came out is really good. (Apparently I missed the memo that mommy blogger books are supposed to be released in April - hopefully I'll get the memo for April 2013.)

I do like that she was part of the "most revolutionary social media campaign ever" when she teamed up with Target and let readers pick her outfits. It was really fun, actually. I tried to pick the strangest outfits, just because I thought it would be funnier. My strategy didn't work. She looked great in anything they put her in. She has set the bar high, but I intend to clear it easily when I launch my most revolutionary social media campaign ever when I partner with Honda and get a badass Odyssey minivan.

These are the 4 that I think of when I think of successful Mommy Bloggers, although they're all so much more than that. Now, back to the interviewer's question: What makes me different?

Well, let's start with who I am and what I write about.

People I Want to Punch in the Throat. I started this blog about a year ago now and I never know what I'm going to write about - it depends upon my mood. Usually, it's things that piss me off. Sometimes it's celebrities, sometimes it's politicians, sometimes it's the guy standing in front of me at McDonald's who can't decide what he wants for lunch ("Uhh...what's good here?") and sometimes it's the Hubs. I try to temper my rants with humor and every now and again I show a bit of my compassionate side. I don't want it to get out that I have a heart, though - it's bad for business.

I think I'm different from the mega-bloggers, because I'm not as nice as they are. No one has the scorched earth policy that I have. I am not afraid to say anything. It's like I've said before, I'm a bullshit caller. I don't let people get away with silliness (myself included). Plus, there is nothing off-limits on my blog. I let the Hubs write about my jungle, for goodness sake! Let's see Dooce do that. When I write, I don't worry about what the masses might think. Maybe once I'm invited to drive my minivan to the big girl blog party, I might worry, but for now I am my own person.

I read these blogs and I learn from them and I'm inspired by them (and, it must be said, sometimes I want to punch them in the throat), but I won't copy their style. I will never write a cookbook - unless it's called Food I'll Never Make. I will never host decorating segments slash advertisements for Ikea on HGTV. I will never appear on the Today show and kiss Ann's ass when she interviews me about my book (that she obviously hasn't read). No, if I appear on the Today show, I want to drink wine at 10 am with Hoda and Kathie Lee and thank them for inspiring my first post. I think it would be great if they put us in a boxing ring and really let us try to punch each other. I will never get a dog and let it have a tab on my blog - letting the Hubs guest post is close enough. I will always take crappy pictures with my cell phone camera, because I'm way too lazy to get out the "real" camera. Besides, I don't want to get so that my photographs are so great looking, they detract from my words. (Ha.)

I want my success on my own terms. We all have our own schtick and we appeal to people, because we're not phony (although PW is really starting to become a "persona" rather than a person anymore). That's what makes them different and that's what makes me different. You can't put these girls in any one category and I'm proud to say, you can't put me in any one category either.