People I Want to Punch in the Throat

The Happiest Place on Earth

2012-03-09T08:41:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I spent the day with the kids, my mom and my aunt at Disney World. We left the Hubs home, because he has little patience for waiting in long lines, large groups of idiots, screaming children and life-sized stuffed animals who want to hug him. Leaving him back at the condo was the best decision I ever made. Yesterday was nutty and my aunt kept assuring me that this was "the off season." If that was the "off season" then I never want to come during the "on season."

Here are a few things/people I saw yesterday:

1. Couples on their anniversary. I'm not talking about every couple there on their anniversary. I'm talking about one couple in particular. We were walking into the park and I noticed that 3 "cast members" (not employees) wished someone behind me "Happy Anniversary!" I finally had to turn around to see what was going on. There was a couple in their fifties behind me holding hands and wearing huge buttons that said, "It's my anniversary." Duh. That's how the cast members knew. I laughed and said, "I thought maybe people were psychic at this park! I couldn't figure out how they knew it was your anniversary! Now I see." They both gave me sheepish grins and said, "Yeah, they made us wear the pins." HUH? You are 50 years old. NO ONE made you wear that pin. Unless you are getting a free pass to the park there should be no reason you would NEED to wear that pin. You WANT to wear that pin, but suddenly you realized you're embarrassed by your pin and so you try to pull the whole, "They made us wear it."

I don't think this was their first Disney rodeo either. They were going through that park with a purpose and they knew exactly where the best traffic lanes were, when you came to a fork in the lines, they knew which way to go, they were pros. I told Gomer, "Stay on their heels. They know the secret. Follow them and don't worry about me. I'll be right behind you." By following them, we were able to do 3 rides in 1 hour. Quite the record for my slow poke family! In the end, they redeemed themselves in my eyes. Happy Anniversary, indeed!

2. Kids melting down left and right. I don't know how to say this without being offensive, so I'm just going to say it and then those of you in the know can help me with my sensitivity. We came across kids all day in various levels of meltdown. From minor to nuclear. One little girl in particular stands out. She was about 10 years old and she was obsessed with trying to get a Sword out of a Stone. I wanted a pic of Gomer doing it and so we were waiting behind a couple of other kids on line. The little girl kept trying and trying with her father constantly encouraging her to take "one more shot at it." After 10 minutes (no exaggeration) the mom in front of me said, "Can I just snap a quick picture of my kids and then you can try again?" The girl wouldn't budge. The rest of the family left and now it was just the girl and her mother. Her mother was trying to cajole the little girl into stepping down. "Let these kids get their picture taken and then you can have another few minutes to try." That's when my mother spoke up, "Uhhh, there are other kids waiting too." At this point the mother flew over to us and got in my mother's face and very politely said, "Look, I understand, but here's the thing. She's a very sick little girl and she has brain damage. We're trying to make today special for her. Thanks." Whoa. In the immortal words of my mother, "Wow, now I feel like a shit." Uh yeah, pretty much. Here's where I need sensitivity training. There were no outward signs this little girl had these problems. Is there a way a child like this could wear a button that says, "Mickey's Special Guest" or something like that so that I KNOW this child needs some space and she needs some patience? Is that PC??? The Hubs thinks I'm horrible for suggesting this. Maybe I am. I'm not trying to say that kids with special needs to be singled out and open them to ridicule. I'm really trying to make her mom's job easier. We passed the Sword in the Stone about 40 minutes later and her daughter was still working on it and the mom was still explaining to people why they needed patience and why no one (including Gomer) could get a picture with the sword. A button would help tremendously. We felt terrible and we knew we deserved the punch on this one. I think my experience with this little girl helped instill patience in me for the rest of the day. I gave EVERYONE a grain of salt after that. I'm not trying to be an asshole here, so tell me if I'm wrong.

3. Not trying to be an asshole again, because I get that Disney is a once in a lifetime kind of thing and everyone celebrates differently, but if you are an adult who wears mouse ears can you please tell me why? When you are 65 years old and driving a Rascal through Disney why do you need Minnie Mouse ears and why does your husband (in a matching Rascal) need a Goofy hat with ears? Tell me why you wear your ears so I can understand the passion.

4. Parents SCREAMING at their kids. You would have been so proud of me yesterday. I was so Zen as I moved through the park. I never yelled at my kids when they whined for another $50 worth of food or $25 mouse ears. I never threatened them within inches of their lives while we waited on long lines and they told me they were "melting." I kept telling myself: This is one day, this is the happiest place on Earth, we will have fun, damn it and I will not cause a scene.

It was easy for me, because we only spent one day there. We didn't buy the resort package where we stay on the property and have a 7 day park hopper pass. I think those were the parents going ballistic. Here are some the best quotes I heard yesterday:

"Do you have any idea how much I spent to be here? Put a smile on your goddamned face."

"I've already bought you Jasmine and Belle dresses, I will not buy Sleeping Beauty too!"

"Shut up, already or we will go back to the hotel right this minute!"

"Michael, move your ass, people are passing us!" (Michael was about 6.)

"That is Snow White! You've been asking to see Snow White for 2 months. That's what we're here for! Now get over there and give her a hug!"

"I rode 7 hours on a plane to be here. You. Will. Have. Fun. Now."

Ahh....the Happiest Place on Earth!! Glad we went. Glad it's over.

Today we're off to the beach!

Seriously, Hubs??

2012-03-08T09:07:00.001-06:00

We're in Florida this week visiting my aunt. We're staying at her house in Orlando - just steps away from Mickey's House. My kids are over the moon.

This morning is our first morning here and we decided we'd take a day to just hang out at her pool, let the kids play and I could go outlet shopping (I am over the moon).

We're getting ready to go and here's what the Hubs had to say to me:

Hubs: "Jen, where are my underwear?"

Me: "Really? I packed them for you! What more do you want? Move stuff around in the suitcase and look for them!"

I dig through the suitcase that I packed (while he chatted up some friend on the phone!) and I pull out a pair of undies, "Here!"

Hubs: "Those are Gomer's."

Me: "Oh, well, they look big enough to be yours."

Hubs: "Gee, thanks."

I dig some more and find a slightly larger pair.

Me: "Here!"

OK, side by side they don't look that similar, but I get them confused all the time.

Hubs: "Great. Thank. You. Where is my shampoo?"

Me: "Are you fucking kidding me? What is in your plastic grocery sack of beauty supplies?"

Truly. The Hubs puts all of his bathroom supplies in a plastic Target bag. I've begged him to buy a toiletry kit. He refuses to spend the money. Cheap bastard.

Hubs: "I have my toothbrush - you brought toothpaste, right? And my comb and my hair gel stuff."

Me: "Why didn't you bring shampoo? You have a thousand samples under you bathroom sink that you steal from hotels. You didn't bring one of those?"

Hubs: "No. I thought you were packing that stuff..."

Me: "Why would I pack your shampoo? I packed for me and the kids and I ended up packing most of your clothes. I don't even do that usually. I draw the line at your toiletries. I'm NOT your mother."

Hubs: "Exactly. You're my wife. My wife should take care of me better than my mother."

Me: "Jackhole."

If you thought this was funny, would you mind jogging over (again - you can vote once every day) to Circle of Moms and voting for me as one of the Top 25 Funny Moms of 2012? I would really appreciate it! I am currently in first place, thank you everyone. But I am a narcissist and want to win and make sure I stay in the lead.

Botox mommy

2012-03-07T07:08:00.000-06:00

Re-posted from archives.

By now you've probably heard all about Kerry Campbell, the mom who gives Botox to her 8 year old daughter because she has "wrinkles" and needs to stay ultra competitive in the high stakes world of children's beauty pageants. WTF is wrong with this woman?

You know how I feel about the pageant kids and parents who name their kids Britney and parents who let their kids call all the shots, so it's probably no surprise this dumbass is getting the punch today.

So let's break this down. Britney is competing in beauty pageants and realizes that she isn't winning because she has wrinkles? (BTW, those are called dimples, sweetie, and you're supposed to have them.) She complains to Kerry and tells her she doesn't look pretty with all these wrinkles. Does Kerry tell her she's beautiful and she shouldn't worry so much about her looks and rather should focus on being a kind person who BEHAVES beautifully? Does Kerry tell her that obviously the pageant world is affecting Britney's self esteem and maybe she should take a break and focus on being a little girl where her biggest worry should be if she should play with Rainbow Dash or her dollhouse today?

Nope. Not at all.

Instead, Kerry laments to the other moms that she needs a secret weapon of some kind and the more seasoned pageant moms suggest Botox. Kerry thinks to herself, Of course! Botox! Why didn't I think of that? It's perfect for an 8 year old with borderline low self esteem who is already demanding a boob job and a nose job! Let's do it! And while we're at it, let's put hot wax on her body and rip all that unsightly hair out by its roots - it's so unladylike!

I don't know who is more to blame here - Kerry or Britney.

Kerry is SUPPOSED to be the parent. She is SUPPOSED to be voice of reason. She turns around and blames it all on Britney. "Well, Britney, wanted to do it." Blah, blah, blah. Of course Britney wanted to do it! She's a spoiled rotten brat who obviously gets whatever she wants.

Kids want to do (and own) all kinds of asinine things and it's the parent's job to say NOOOOOO, over my dead body will you inject botulism into your face. NOOOO, a four year old girl does not need Sketchers Shape Ups that tone and firm your butt and thighs! (Yup, my kid wants those.) NOOOO, a six year old boy does not need his own iTouch. (Yup, the other one wants that.)

My other question is where the hell does Kerry get her stash of Botox and is she legally able to administer it?? I always thought you had to be doctor or a nurse supervised by a doctor to inject someone. Who is supplying her and who trained her? This stuff is dangerous if done improperly and for some reason I don't think Kerry is qualified to inject a monkey, let alone a human being.

Do you remember growing up when your mother would say "If so and so jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?" Now I feel like asking PARENTS "Hey Mom, if Amaryllis jumps off a bridge, does that mean Jaxon should too? It sounds a bit dangerous don't you think?"

People like this should not be allowed to reproduce. You have to jump through more hoops to adopt a damn dog than you do to have a kid. There should be some kind of idiot test you must take before you're allowed to get pregnant. Kerry would have failed.

It's Botox and body waxing now. What will it be when my daughter is eight? Clitoris and nipple piercings? A skull tattoo inked on my son's scrawny bicep? You think I'm joking, but just you wait. The Shape Ups and iTouch will seem quaint.

PS. If you thought this was funny, would you mind jogging over to Circle of Moms and voting for me as one of the Top 25 Funny Moms of 2012? I would really appreciate it! I don't need to be Number 1, the Top 25 is good enough for me. No need to be an over achiever!

Goody Bags that are Nicer than the Gift My Kid Gave

2012-03-06T08:00:00.000-06:00

We all know that birthday parties have become outrageous and ultra-competitive - that's yesterday's news. The new frontier is the dreaded goody bag.

The goody bag has always been the bastard of the birthday party. It's a throw away. An afterthought. Because it's the bastard it's always been full of cheap junk or teeth rotting candy. It's a small token that says, I just paid about twelve to fifteen bucks for your kid to come celebrate my kid's birthday and we appreciate your $12-25 gift so here is your bag of shit. Thanks for coming and see you next month at your kids' party!

Thanks for coming! Here's your bag of junk!

A few years ago I noticed a slight trend where a couple of the parties my kids went to, there was no goody bag. My kids were devastated, but all the moms were thrilled. The few brave souls who ventured into this no-man's land of goody bag-less parties confessed they'd just had enough of spending hundreds of dollars on a party and then another several hundred on shit that would end up in the trash. I loved this idea. But, of course, it didn't catch on. Instead, it appears we've gone the opposite direction. Last week, I was sent this article. It seems that the goody bag is a pretty big deal to a lot of parents and the gauntlet has been thrown down as to what constitutes a "good" goody bag.

Nooooo....The goody bag is the bane of my existence. I can barely get it right as it is and now I'm supposed to do better? WTF?

When I'm throwing a party for my kids I'm too busy trying to find an affordable and fun venue (we have winter birthdays here so the great outdoors is nixed and the hell I'm going to host a bunch of wilding, frosting-covered grade schoolers in my home nor will I ever go to Chuck E. Cheese - my kids think it's just for other kids' birthdays) or cute plates that fit the random theme we've picked that year (Gomer wants NERF Battle theme this year - yellow plates it is!) that I do not have time, desire or energy to look for the "perfect" goody bag insert(s). Because of this, my party goers end up with a bag of cheap shit and teeth rotting candy. Thanks for coming!

I have seen some really cute, relatively affordable ideas for goody bags that I've been dying to try, but so far they haven't fit my theme. Last year, Gomer was invited to a party at a pottery painting place. The kids painted a ceramic trivet that we kept and they each got a little paint by number set from the dollar bins at Target. I thought it was perfect! I'm trying to convince Adolpha to have a painting party this year so I can do this and look like a semi-over achiever, plus I love to paint my own pottery. Over the summer, both kids were invited to a birthday party at a petting zoo. Lunch was served and it was a picnic. Each kid got his or her own personalized insulated lunch bag (also from Target) with lunch inside. Loved it! We still use those bags.

See, OAM? It doesn't need to be a tennis racket or an American Girl doll. Your goody bag should not cost what I spent (or more!) on the gift for your child. That's just weird. Who does that?! I know it's hard for the OAMs - and the rest of us really - though, because you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

The mom who said NO to goody bags was called "cheap" behind her back by some of the moms, the mom who gave out a bag of crap was called "unimaginative and boring" and she obviously hates the environment since all that shit will end up in a landfill, the mom who gave out small packages of Legos made me uncomfortable because all I could think at the time was, Crap, Gomer is having a Lego party in two weeks and all I've got are lollipops and gum. At the last minute I found cute printables online that I thought seemed simple and easy enough. I worked on for HOURS to make the boys their own laminated Lego luggage tag. Won't do that again for 21 kids!

You see it's tough being a mom and trying to throw a party for your kid. I've been asked, "What is reasonable then, Jen?" I guess I just think back to what made me happy when I was a kid: celebrating with my friends, having cake and ice cream, opening a few presents and enjoying being the birthday girl. Kids haven't changed that much and I think they're still fairly easy to please. They're usually pretty happy if they get a party with a few family and friends and a balloon for everyone when they leave.

This year for my kids' birthdays I'm thinking of doing something even the OA Earth Moms would approve of. I'm going to have a nature party and every kid who attends gets a tree that I'll buy in his/her name and then the kids will help me plant them in my yard (bring your own shovel). They can come and visit their "goody tree" anytime they'd like (parental supervision required).

Over Achieving Moms and Their Kids' Birthday Parties

2012-03-05T08:30:00.001-06:00

It seems like we will never run out of areas for over achieving moms to dominate. Birthday parties have been a recurring theme that keeps popping up from my readers. Every week I get emails begging me to take on the over achieving birthday party moms. All of these emails contain links that send me to over the top birthday parties - each one more outrageous than the next. Since I've recently been called a "troll" for sending coveted page views to public blogs such as these, I will refrain from posting links to the parties (their loss). I can say, these are all real parties and I bet with a little sleuthing you will be able to find them.

One was a whimsical Cat in the Hat first birthday where the baby has no clue who Dr. Seuss is or why it's hysterical and adorable all at the same time that he's eating green eggs and ham in a house covered (literally COVERED) in red and turquoise bunting and crepe and balloons and other Dr. Seuss-themed shit. I think there were at least 5 different kinds of cupcakes to choose from besides the striped hat cake. No matter how much the parents paid for a professional photographer to take pictures of this birthday, beautiful pictures can never cover the fact that the cake was melting because of the heat and they dressed the poor kid in some kind of linen one piece jumper thing with his initials embroidered on the front that will haunt him into adulthood.

Have you ever seen a party with a Marie Antoinette theme? It's out there. The baby was forced to wear a hat on her head that will remind many of you of those plates with bows that aunts make for us at our wedding showers. Remember those things? Yeah, the baby is wearing something like that. On her head. For real. Not as a joke. And a dress that looks like silk - or something equally pricey. I don't know what horrifies me more - the fact that the mother planned her daughter's party around a queen who had her head chopped off or the fact that this mother let her daughter eat cake in a dress that probably has to be dry cleaned. I have no idea what this party cost, but when you start buying wrapping paper that matches the theme perfectly, you've spent too much. This party made my wedding look downright shabby.

I think the one that irritated me most though, was the hipster first birthday where the theme was centered around the baby's Eames Elephant Chair and all of the party supplies and food were "bought locally." Guests were encouraged to take Instamatic photos of themselves with mustaches (I hate those fucking mustaches) and bowler hats. Absolutely asinine. This party was not for a child. This party was for a bunch of adults who didn't want to throw a gauche first birthday party. The color scheme was charcoal, chartreuse, light blue and black. (Who the fuck puts a black balloon on their baby's high chair for his first birthday party celebration?? These people do.) The mom also bragged that she displayed monthly photos of the baby on a "Stendig Calendar." Since this was capitalized I knew I was supposed to be impressed, but since I'm from Kansas and have absolutely no hipster in me at all, I didn't have a clue what the fuck she was talking about. Apparently, it's the only calendar designed by MoMA. Well, pardon me. Good thing I wasn't invited to this party, I would have looked like an ass when I arrived with the party penciled in on my Lighthouses of the East Coast calendar. (It's available at the finer Dollar Stores.)

Don't get me wrong, the idea of throwing my kid a party at Chuck E. Cheese gives me a brain bleed, but there has to be a happy medium in there somewhere.

PS - Don't miss my newest post over at Babble.com.

PPS - If you thought this was funny, would you mind jogging over to Circle of Moms and voting for me as one of the Top 25 Funny Moms of 2012? I would really appreciate it! I don't need to be Number 1, the Top 25 is good enough for me. No need to be an over achiever!

Typical Saturday Night With the Hubs

2012-03-03T18:59:00.000-06:00

I'm grumpy tonight. I spent all day at the school carnival and I think all that fun made me anti-social tonight. Tonight everything the Hubs says pisses me off. I'm irritable and I'm definitely letting him know. Here's the latest conversation/squabble we just had:

Me: Be quiet. You're really getting on my nerves.
Hubs: Well you're getting on my nerves.
Me: Shut up. You're annoying me.
Hubs: You're annoying me.
Me: Shut it! You annoyed me first. End of discussion.
Hubs: You're funny.
Me: (laughing now too) Stop it. I'm pissy. Don't make me laugh.
Hubs: OK, let's just cuddle.
Me: You bitch. You never just want to cuddle.
Hubs: It will relax you...
Me: Go away.

Weekly Wrap Up 3.04.2012

2012-03-03T07:50:00.001-06:00

Time for the weekly wrap up, already? This has been a wonderful week. I got to go visit my friend Mary in New Hampshire at the beginning of the week and then I came home just in time to start my new PAYING job at Babble.com. That's right, I'm finally getting paid for my witty words. PLEASE do me a favor and go over there and check out Babble. They took a chance on me since I'm not the typical "mommy" blogger and I don't want them to think they made a mistake when no one reads me. For those of you who like my voice, but hate my potty mouth, Babble might be the place for you to read me. I will still be ranting and raving over there, but I have to tone it down a bit. If you like me "salty" then you'll want to read me over here. Now you have two places to find me.

We have a RIDICULOUS amount of comments this week. LOVE IT. I am so glad you guys spoke up and let me know who you are! I loved reading EACH and EVERY one of those comments and the private emails a lot of you sent as well. It was great to get a little glimpse of you. I didn't make a graph or anything, but whoa, there a lot of you out there with 4 kids. You guys should start a support group or something.

I was also stunned to see how many of you live in New Hampshire. Who knew? I knew of one reader for sure, but the rest I had no idea. It would have been cool if we could have all met for lunch at Me & Ollies and composted together! Yes, lucky readers who guessed this restaurant. You are correct. This is where Mary and I (me?? shit, I still can't remember what the correct word is here) had lunch. Unfortunately the only prize you get is knowing that you obviously know your fair city well.

All right, let's get to it!

List of Mini Punches

2012-03-02T10:02:00.000-06:00

If you think you have seen this before, you are not crazy. It is a re-post. For 98% of my readers, this is new to you.

1. Ultra Skinny Bitches Who Complain They CAN'T GainWeight. I am so sick of reading articles about models and actresses who are the size of a pin complaining about how they TRY to gain weight, but they just can't. Wah. It's especially annoying when you have Skeletors like this chick, the new TopShop model:

I could wrap my entire hand around that waist! It must be a British thing, because Kate is looking waifish these days too. I think her hair weighs as much as the rest of her body!

2. Lindsey Lohan. I know. She makes the list every time, but the girl just won't shut up. Now she's pissed because she wasn't cast in Black Swan. Natalie Portman won an Oscar for that movie. Lindsey doesn't even watch Oscar winning movies - too much plot for her to follow. Dumb whore. She is looking like a meth head now and she needs to just go away.

3. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. Also reruns. They dressed alike for the ESPYs. How Prom Date of them. They're so cute! I want to vomit.

4. Katie Holmes. Apparently she takes fashion advice from 5 year old Suri. She's quoted as saying, "If she likes something of mine, I know it's good." Come on, Katie, stop trying to put the focus ANYWHERE else, but where it should be. After all, this is a child who wears heels to the beach and likes to wear ballet costumes everywhere she goes. I hardly doubt you're getting fashion advice from her. Let it go. It's time to tell the world that Tom paid you millions to have a child with him so that he could stay closeted just a little longer and try for a few more blockbusters before he hits 50. You can give up the crazy Scientology crap and take Suri and run far away from Mr. Looney Tunes.

5. Anyone Who Is Sending Casey Anthony Money. I just read she's received over $200 in the mail from "supporters." I realize that's not much money, but even a nickel is too much for her. Stop sending this baby killer money, you psychos!

6. Kat Von D. What a weirdo. I still can't believe Jesse left Sandra for this piece of trash.

7. Kate Hudson. Not to be outdone by the rest of the Hollywood Ultra Competitive Namers she's come up with a doozy for her bouncing baby boy: Bingham or "Bing" as they'll call him. Wacko.

8. ALL the assholes in Washington arguing over the debt ceiling. Raise the debt ceiling. And while you're at it, raise the taxes on the top 2% earners in the nation and a lot of this trouble would be solved. They WANT to be taxed. Get this fixed. Stop dicking around and do your jobs. Quit worrying about how it will go for you at the polls and do what we elected you to do. If I fucked around this much at my job I would no longer have a job.

New Zealand La Leche League

2012-03-01T07:33:00.002-06:00

I read this article tonight about the New Zealand La Leche League protesting a picture of a dad feeding his baby daughter a bottle. The picture was part of a PSA ad for not smoking. The ad ended with the man saying he wouldn't smoke because he has a baby in his house and then he feeds his baby a bottle.

The LLL decided this was not the proper message that needs to be sent out to New Zealand and they pressured the government to edit the ad and remove the feeding. They think that by showing a father feeding his baby a bottle in an ad completely un-related to breastfeeding it will somehow sully the message that breast is best.

Never once did LLL consider for a moment that it really isn't their fucking business why this man is feeding his baby a bottle.

This man's baby drinks from a bottle because she had a hard time taking to the breast. What the hell were her parents supposed to do??

I'm pretty pissed off about this one, because I had two kids who tried the breast and it wasn't a good fit for either of them or myself. For our family, breast was not best.

I am well-endowed. I have what some would call "a rack." I am stacked. I have enormous ta-tas. All my life I've carried these babies around in beige/black/or white granny looking over the shoulder boulder holders. I've never owned a pretty bra, because they just don't exist in Double J or whatever size the current store I'm in decides to call it (they're all different which makes it fun when I would like to buy a new bra from a store I've never been in before). I can't run without hitting myself in the face with the girls. I have back pain at the end of the day from dragging these puppies around. I have endured years of taunting, leering, and "accidental" feel ups, not to mention just plain truly accidental bumping/grazing/grabbing-because-they-are-always-in-the-way-feel-ups.

I endured this because I was certain that with knockers like these I would be able to nourish my children until they could ask for seconds. "More please, Mommy," I imagined my future 5 year old saying. I imagined I'd harvest my milk and give it to the less fortunate. Surely that's why I had these ridiculous melons, right?!

This kid could barely suck a tube,
forget the boob.

What I did not expect was a premature 5 lb baby with the mouth the size of my pinkie and no suck reflex. Gomer couldn't nurse even if he wanted to. We did everything we could to help him latch on and nurse. We fed him through a tube so he wouldn't get "nipple confusion." My pediatrician was bound and determined to get Gomer on the boob so we clipped his tongue, because he was tongue tied and the doctor thought that might have something to do with why he couldn't latch. I consulted my breast feeding wunderkind moms (I truly have a friend who could make soup and breastfeed at the same time and another friend who could casually lay on the couch and nurse while she dozed. AH-MAY-ZING). We paid hundreds of dollars to meet with a lactation consultant several times and this what I learned I would need to nurse my baby:

A sturdy, supportive chair with a back to sit in while I nursed.
A stool to rest my feet on since I'm so short.
A Boppy to rest the baby on.
A homemade sling to go around my neck and under my breast to hold my giant breast up, because I didn't have three hands and my boob was going to crush Gomer's tiny head if it wasn't held up.
A plastic shield to place over my abnormally large nipple so Gomer could latch onto something smaller with his tiny bird mouth.
A second person to monitor Gomer and assure me that Gomer was indeed sucking and swallowing every now and again. (This one wasn't really required, but by this point I was fucking insane and worried constantly that my baby was going to starve to death, because I couldn't get my gargantuan boobs to work properly.)

There was no fucking way I'd ever be able to wear one of those cute nursing tops where you can magically nurse your baby out the armhole or where ever the fuck you nursed them from. A Hooter Hider was never going to work for me. I was never going to make soup and nurse at the same time. I was never going to take a nap and nourish my child. Nope. I was going to have to nurse my baby in a room by myself with a suitcase full of paraphernalia that I would need to carry from one place to another. (We actually bought a bigger car, because I was freaking out that I couldn't fit the carseat, the stroller, the diaper bag, and all the breastfeeding shit I needed in the car we had.)

We tried and tried, but Gomer and I just were not compatible. He just didn't have the power to suck anything out of my enormous milk bags and he was losing weight and I was flipping out. So I became Bessie the Cow. I hooked myself up to a breast pump and sat there and listened to the mind-numbing rhythm of the pump (you know what I'm talking about) and watched my liquid gold slowly pass goal lines. One ounce, two ounces, three ounces....I would actually cry if the Hubs accidentally spilled any when he took my bottles away and left me in peace to wipe myself up and let my girls "breathe" after being trapped in plastic cones for the past half hour.

We fed Gomer a bottle from then on and I suddenly became sane. I could see with certainty and accuracy how many ounces Gomer was eating. I could see the weight going on his little bony legs. The relief that washed over me when I finally decided to stop trying to breastfeed was palatable. Everyone around me relaxed - including Gomer. The only one who gave me a little grief was the pediatrician. I steeled myself for a confrontation with him, but in the end he backed down. Even he could tell how fucking nuts breastfeeding had made me. I was able to pump for several weeks and then we finally put him on formula.

When Adolpha was born, she was a normal sized, full term baby and I thought this time I would have a chance to breast feed her. To be honest though, I was not near as confident this time around as I had been with Gomer.

I didn't need to worry, Adolpha could nurse like a champ. In fact, Adolpha nursed so well, she'd suck me dry and wail for more. No matter how much milk I produced Adolpha was still hungry (no wonder the girl is in the 100th percentile for height still). With Adolpha I still had to use all my paraphernalia, except the nipple shield, and that made it impossible to leave the house and nurse her anywhere in public.

Since I was self employed, I didn't get paid maternity leave, so I needed to get back to work as soon as I could. Adolpha had to go on a bottle so I could leave her with the Hubs. I had to go back to my old friend the breast pump and we had to supplement her with formula to satisfy her. Gomer was a happy, healthy, normal 2 year old at this time and so I felt so much better about putting Adolpha on formula. After a few weeks, she also moved over to formula full time.

Of course breast is best, I'm not going to argue that it's not. But I will say it's not always going to work for everyone and I'm sick and tired of the LLL making me feel like a complete and total asshole because I didn't breastfeed my kids properly/long enough/etc. Why must they impose their agenda on all of us?

You know what our family did? We did the best we could. It just pisses me off that LLL thinks we could have done better. Fuck you, LLL, we could not. We fed our kids. We kept our kids warm. We didn't abuse them or hurt them. We loved them and yeah, we fed them a fucking bottle of formula and I'm OK with that. So back the fuck off, LLL because it is none of your business how I fed my babies.

In fact, I would argue that because our kids were bottle fed, the Hubs was compelled (OK, forced, but that's such a strong word) to take a much bigger role in caring for our babies. The Hubs and I worked as a team. I would get up in the middle of the night to pump and he got up to feed our babies. The Hubs developed a bond with our kids by doing this. He held our kids and fed them and cared for them and cared for me when we needed him most. I was miserable hooked up to that machine, but it was all I could fucking do. Of course I wanted to be the one to hold and feed my babies from my body, but I couldn't do that and I'm glad that the Hubs was there and was willing and able to step up and do that.

Why doesn't LLL use their clout and focus on the important topics like raising a fuss when FB doesn't allow pictures of breastfeeding moms or when stores ban breastfeeding moms? These are the real problems LLL needs to focus on. They could actually do some real good if they did that!

Live Free (and Compost) or Die

2012-02-29T08:48:00.000-06:00

Today Mary and her kids showed me around the great state of New Hampshire. I've only ever driven through New Hampshire on my way to the outlets in Kittery, Maine so it was nice to see what treasures lurk just off the highway.

Mary's kids are on Spring Break (Winter Break? I don't know. Some break the whole state has off.) We decided we go to Dover to a children's museum her kids like.

We got to the museum and I fit right in. New Hampshire are my people. I've said before I dress/look like a plus sized model in an Eddie Bauer catalog - pg. 92 to be exact. The moms in New Hampshire look just like me. I was welcomed into a cocoon of fleece and canvas and sturdy, practical shoes today. It was like coming home. Ahhhh....no over achievers, right?

Wrong. New Hampshire has a different kind of OAM. Maybe we can call them OA Earth Moms.

Damn it, I don't fit in here either.

I first realized this at the museum when I overheard some crunchy, baby-wearing moms trading organic homemade baby food recipes. OK, not so abnormal. Even Kansas has some moms this crunchy. Except just about every mom in there was talking about homemade baby food or reusable diapers and I didn't see one ZipLoc bag of Goldfish crackers. Shit.

I went to the restroom and as I sat on the throne doing my business, I was suddenly plunged into darkness. Apparently if you don't move for a long enough period, the lights go off automatically. I shifted my weight and the lights came back on. I had to do this two times and I wasn't even constipated - imagine if I was there for a long haul!

When I was finished with my work, I turned to flush the toilet and I was met with a list of instructions as to how best to handle my waste. Flush up for "liquid waste" and flush down for "solid waste." In Kansas our toilets barely flush, so this newfangled thing was way too confusing for me. I decided to go with the immortal words of Bernie Focker: "If it's yellow, let it mellow." Call me "Super OA Earth Mom" - yeah, that's right, I won't even flush.

After the museum (which by the way is super fun and if you live here with children, you should totally go) Mary and the kids and I headed to Portsmouth for lunch.

Portsmouth is a very cute, adorable hamlet by the ocean. There were lots of nice stores and historical sites to see.

We read all the little plaques in town telling us historical facts like George Washington gave a speech from the balcony on the top of this building.

We found this friendly little spot after getting lost. You had to park outside the gates and you could only walk on the blue line.

Here is the beginning of the blue line. You follow a sort of zig zagging path across the parking lot, in front of the building up there and over a hill to a revolutionary fort. It was freezing, but the kids could have stayed there all day. It's amazing what you'll find when you take a wrong turn!

After our sightseeing tour of Portsmouth, we were hungry and we decided to find a place to eat.

If New Hampshire is green, I think Portsmouth might be the Green Capital. I felt this immediately when we walked into a local yokel sandwich spot for lunch and I proceeded to take more than my fair share of napkins. I felt like everyone stopped eating and watched my display of excessive napkin taking. I was dining with two little kids, for goodness sake, and peanut butter and jelly can be messy stuff! Ten napkins probably wouldn't do the job, but I was too nervous to take more. My fellow diners looked at me like I'd clubbed a baby seal in the middle of the restaurant.

I sat down and tried not to draw attention to myself and my egregious pile of napkins. Two moms were sitting across from me and without losing eye contact with me, one of them reached down into her (organic cotton?) bag and pulled out a cloth napkin. She snapped it open with authority and draped it across her lap as if to say, This is how we roll here in Portsmouth, you troglodyte.

I wanted to say: I can do better than that. In Kansas, we don't even use napkins, we just lick each other's faces clean like cats and then use our sleeves to wipe off anything that's left - no additional laundry to waste vital resources.

After a few minutes, everyone went back to their lunches and left Mary and I to ours. In the end, we used 17 napkins (Mary took a turn getting more so that I wouldn't look so greedy and we were afraid to whip out Wet Wipes since they're not biodegradable).

Then it was time to clean up our mess. We walked to the trash can(s) and we were met with a sight we've never seen in Kansas. Not one, not two, but THREE refuse bins. Luckily, these came with instructions and pictures for us or we would have never done it right (I'm still not convinced we did it right).

The first was: LANDFILL - There were pictures of potato chip bags on this one. I tried to throw our 17 napkins in there, but luckily Mary stopped me and pointed out they were NOT in the picture. The second was: RECYCLE - This is where our plastic water bottles and glass juice bottles went. The last was COMPOST - We put the remaining pb&j in there, the leftover chips (sans bag), my lobster bisque soup (which was a tad disappointing) and the 17 napkins.

I felt the whole restaurant holding their breaths while we read the instructions and placed our refuse in the appropriate receptacle. When we were done I heard a collective sigh. Phew. At least no one yelled at us.

In Kansas, we recycle in our homes, but never in public places and I barely know 5 people who actually compost for real. I only started recycling about 2 years ago, because Gomer guilt tripped me into it and my HOA dues pay for it. I am very used to recycling now and I do a pretty good job at it. I even take my dad's 40 lbs of newspapers from his house to my recycling bin!

The composting thing is beyond me though. The idea of a steaming pile of food scraps in my backyard is more than I can handle. I know, I know, you'll say buy one of those buckets that holds it all, but I'm way too cheap to buy those things. And what will I do with my compost? I don't garden. I guess I could spread it around my bushes in my yard, but I will always imagine I see a chicken bone sticking out there. Won't this stuff compost at the landfill just as easily as it will in my backyard? Please tell me yes so I won't feel so bad.

All in all, my visit to New Hampshire has been great. I loved seeing Mary and her family. I loved going to the movies (yes, it was worth it - The Descendants is fabulous) and the historical (and shopping) tours we took. I really loved seeing moms in fleece. I just wish I could be an Over Achieving Earth Mom so I could really live here - that is one over achieving mom I could work at harder.

Movie Night With Mary

2012-02-28T07:09:00.000-06:00

So, I'm on my big girl trip to New Hampshire. I'm visiting my friend, Mary. Mary used to live in KC near me and she was my great friend. I've missed her a lot and I had an opportunity to visit her in her new city so here I am.

One of the things that Mary and I love to do together is go to the movies. When I arrived Mary already had the movie schedule on her kitchen counter. We picked an afternoon movie so we'd have time to get back to watch The Oscars. (Total side note: Did you see Tina's dress last night? She looked AH-MAY-ZING. Looks like she finally got it right. Joan Rivers and her Fashion Bitches can't say anything bad about my BFF now. Way to go, bestie!)

Back to my story. On the way to the theater, Mary and I reminisced about our past escapades at the movie theater. It's never a dull night (or afternoon) for Mary and I at the movie theater. We tend to attract drama when we go to the pictures.

Mary was my movie date for "Twilight" a few years ago. We watched the movie surrounded by tweens and teens on "dates" (loud, face sucking make out sessions). There was a lot of noise and ruckus going on and Mary and I were not happy. Here we'd managed to convince our husbands to put the kids to bed that night so we could go watch our silly, teeny bopper Vampire movie; we'd put aside our own time we usually use to read smutty books and fend off our husbands' advances; and these idiots were ruining it! We were pissed. You don't get between 30 something women and their sparkly Vampires!

After a few heavy sighs and other passive aggressive clues to pipe the fuck down, I finally yelled, "Hey you guys! Just.....SHUSH!" and Mary chimed in, "Yeah!" And then we slunk down in our seats in case they they decided to throw Coke and/or popcorn at us. Mary couldn't believe I didn't tell them to "Shut the fuck up!" but as I explained to her these were someone's little darlings and I just couldn't do that. Instead, I went all "Mom" on them and resorted to "SHUSH." It worked, though. For another twenty minutes or so until I had to yell "Seriously. Shush!" and the ballsy man (What self-respecting man goes to watch "Twilight"?? Whoever he was with had better cherish him - he loves you, girl!) chimed in loudly with: "Yes. I agree!" Yes. I agree? Easy, cowboy, don't go too hard on them. They're just kids.

Ahh...good times showing punks who the boss is...We were laughing as we walked into the theater tonight and Mary said, "Do you think tonight will be punch worthy?"

I replied, "Nah, I doubt it."

By now you know, I was wrong.

We bought our tickets and our jumbo popcorns and headed to the ticket taker.

The ticket taker was a teenage girl who apparently hated her job. She was also sick (Grrrr.....you know how I feel about people who drag their sick asses to work).

Our ticket taker would never wear this pin.

She kept snorting up her snot (lovely) and she had a frog in her throat when she said, "OH! You guys can't go in yet. The theater isn't ready. You gotta wait over there." She told us to leave the line while she got on the walkie talkie to ascertain if this was indeed true. "Hey, Bud? Is theater one ready?" No one responded. She snorted her dripping snot and said to us: "Yeah, I can't let you guys go yet. You're wayyyy early."

Huh? We were? We stepped out of line and I said, "How early are we? What the hell?" I looked at my ticket. She had made it sound like we were a day early. Seriously.

I looked at my ticket. Our movie was going to start in 17 minutes. WTF?

"Well, what time can we go in?" I asked. "I don't understand. The movie is actually going to start in 16 minutes. What time do you seat people?"

Snotty Frog Girl glared at me. She tried again in vain to raise anyone on her walkie. "Bud? They want to go in." No response.

"OK. You know what? I honestly don't care. You guys can go in. I don't care if the theater is ready or not. Just go ahead."

You don't have to tell us twice. Mary and I grabbed our tub o'popcorn and headed into what we assumed would be a deserted and trashed theater.

We walked in and found an almost COMPLETELY FULL room. WTF?!! There were barely any seats left and from the looks of how low everyone's vat of Coke was, we believe they'd been in there for a good 20 minutes hogging all the good seats!

Mary and I looked around to find two seats together. The front row was available. Of course. We kept looking.

We finally saw two seats together and made our way to them. I went in first and squeezed in next to a nice, oversized gentleman who breathed a lot like Tony Soprano, but at least gave me the armrest. I thought I'd lost the seat lottery until Mary sat down in her seat. Poor Mary's seat was broken and if she didn't sort of learn forward the whole time she was forced to recline in the lap of the woman behind her, which happened more than once.

About the second time Mary's seat malfunctioned, she looked at me from her horizontal position and said, "Ohhhh, this is getting a punch!"

Yes it is, Mary, yes it is.

Getting to Know You

2012-02-27T07:22:00.000-06:00

Have I ever mentioned I do my best thinking while blow drying my hair? Well, I do. And this morning was no different.

I was thinking about the blog and the comments and the emails I've received and I realized something that's been nagging at me that I just couldn't put my finger on. I realized that I don't know you. You're a mystery to me. Yes, you, the one sitting at the computer reading this. I know a little bit about the few of your who post comments or send me an email, but there's many of you out there reading who have never said a peep.

I don't know what your likes and dislikes are. I don't know if you're a SWF (single white female) or a MBM (married black man). I don't know if you live in Florida or Peru. I don't know if your favorite color is puce or pewter.

You know me by now. You definitely know my likes and dislikes. You even know my family. You know my kids' goals for their futures. You know the Hubs uses Star Wars for just about every important decision that needs to be made in our house.

I want to know you. Tell me who you are and what makes you tick. You can make it short and sweet or you can give me the first chapter of your memoirs you've been working on for the last 6 years.

My Crazy Appalachian ER Experience

2012-02-25T09:54:00.000-06:00

Re-posted from the archives.

Remember that SNL skit a few years ago about Appalachian Emergency Room? Last night I witnessed that first hand. Oh My God.

We are camping at a camp grounds near Excelsior Springs, MO and last night my six year fell and hit his head pretty hard. We decided to take him to the emergency room for a CT scan. I was told by the people in the know to skip Excelsior Springs and go straight to Liberty, MO, because that's the "better" ER.

If Liberty is the better ER then I can't even imagine what Excelsior Springs must be like! I should have known this was going to be an experience when I walked in and saw two police officers standing there. I asked my cousin, "What do you think they're doing here?" She said, "Probably a DUI or something." Nope, I quickly figured out they were there for security. And I was soon glad they were there.

I was 30 miles from my home and I felt like I was in Deliverance. White trash doesn't begin to describe it.

Let's start with the 87 pound crack whore slash meth head. This chick was running around in an oversized t-shirt that was so big I wasn't sure she had pants on. After a bit I figured out she did. She kept bopping around the ER alternating between grabbing her crotch and holding her stomach like she was going to be sick. She carried an ENORMOUS purse with her that must have weighed as much as her and she kept magically pulling Butterfingers and Snickers out of it. It was like Mary Poppins with a sugar problem. She would devour these candy bars like...well, like an 87 pound crack whore slash meth head coming down off a high. Think rabid beaver. She was with her boyfriend (?) who was sporting a hot wife beater and skull tattoos. Pretty soon she hopped up and said, "Oh! It's time to give my sample!" She returned with her urine sample in hand and sat down to enjoy a Milky Way. WTF?

Next was a man who had sawed through his finger. He had it wrapped in a paper towel and was told to take a number. I would think a sawed through finger might take precedent over anyone who needs to give a urine sample, but he had to wait behind the crack whore slash meth head. He sat there and watched "Malcolm in the Middle" and held his paper towel wrapped finger and tried to look like it didn't hurt too much.

We were called in to see the triage nurse and she asked us some "standard" questions.

"Is he exposed to secondhand smoke?'
"No," I replied.
"Of ANY kind?" She clarified.
"Not cigarette or ANY other kind of smoke," I replied.

"How many carbonated beverages does he consume in a day? One to two? Three to four? Five or more?"
"None," I replied.
"None?" She asked. "That means Coke and Sprite."
"Yes, I understand the question," I said. "He doesn't drink carbonated beverages."

"Well, if he doesn't drink Coke, then I'm pretty sure the next question doesn't apply."
"What is it?" I asked.
"Does he ever consume alcoholic beverages?"
I choked and then thought I'd be a smart ass and replied, "Oooh, yeah, we don't let him drink Sprite, but he loves a cold Bud with his dinner every night."
It took her a full ten seconds to laugh. I think she's met A LOT of crazy parents.

After this we were sent back out to waiting room to wait to see a doctor. That's when we saw the parents of the year carrying their baby out from seeing the doctor.

Mom looked about 17 and she also looked like she might be a meth addict. Dad was probably closer to 19 and I don't think he'd bathed in a week. Baby looked feverish and ill and was dressed in a grimy diaper and nothing else. Mom was snapping at Dad to hurry up and Dad was already fumbling for a ciggie. (I guess I'll give them props that they're both in their baby's life and they sought medical care for their sick baby, but that's the best I can do.)

We had a new patient in the waiting room. An obese, smelly tattoo covered woman in a wheel chair with a bag of her own vomit. She was attended by a filthy looking man who kept touching her. She was clearly annoyed by this and really only wanted to continually check her phone and/or moan.

I can't say with certitude (my new favorite word) but I THINK she was the one in the room next to us back in the ER who was vomiting their guts up and crying.

Soon my son's name was called and we were whisked back to the ER and we saw three really nice, normal medical professionals who took excellent care of my son. When I came out to tell my cousin and uncle to go ahead and leave us there, even my stoic, non-gossipy uncle whispered to me, "It's been REAL interesting out here. You've missed a lot." And my cousin (who is a gossipy gal and a realty TV junkie just like me) said, "Oh my God, they should make a reality show in this waiting room. It's NUTS." I can't wait to hear what I missed!

So my question to the good people of Liberty is: Are soap and water expensive in the Liberty area? Is there any reason why everyone who came in looked like they hadn't touched water in weeks? Do you melt if water touches you? Is it illegal to wash clothes in Liberty? Is it illegal to dress your children?

From what I gather, the thriving businesses in the area are the meth/crack dealers; convenience stores that sell cigarettes, diapers and candy bars; tattoo parlors; and cell phone providers (all of these crackers had expensive phones!).

Weekly Wrap up 2.24.12

2012-02-24T09:23:00.000-06:00

Fairly uneventful week this week. Lots of good comments though, so that's always fun since I'm a comment whore.

Top Read Posts:

Why it Sucks to be a Woman Today - This is just one of my typical keep-your-hands-off-my-uterus-and-I'll-keep-my-hands-off-your-boner-pills rants. I heard lots of voices on this one and I was interested in reading all of the comments. It can get pretty nasty out there in the comments section, please try not to attack one another too much, would ya? We've all got our opinions and we all feel strongly, but we're never going to convince one another if we're calling each other names. I don't care if you're liberal or conservative, ALL women should sit up and take notice that our rights to choose what's best for us is being infringed upon and we should ALL be nervous about that, because who knows what's next?

More People Who Post More Annoying Things on Facebook - After the girl power rant I thought this would be a funny, little laugh fest, but of course, a few Debbie Downers got all pissy. What gives? It's funny, because it's true. It's funny, because we are ALL guilty of this stuff. You gotta laugh at yourselves, people. Life is too short to be such a sour puss.

The Craziest Conversation I've Had With My Children in a While - Gomer and Adolpha go on a car ride with me and discuss their futures and I try not to drive into the ditch.

The People We Met at the Soccer Game - We went to a really fun soccer game and had a great time people watching.

How Best to Control Your Kids - The Hubs is baaaack. The Hubs had this idea that he wanted me to write about. I tried to write it and it turned out terrible. He read it and tried to fix it and then he started talking about incorporating The Force and Darth Vader and I just said, "You know what? I think you'd better write this, because I haven't got a clue what you're getting at." He did a darn good job for his second time at bat - even the Star Wars reference finally made sense to me!

My Favorite Comments of the Week (and my responses):

I'm with you on this! I couldn't believe the "panel" they lined up to discuss this issue. I'm Catholic and I'm totally embarrassed that this has become basically a fight between my church and the government. Hey, if you are willing to accept federal money, then you have to play by their rules. It's simple. And besides that, every Catholic woman I know who is my age (42) or younger is or has been on birth control at some point. The Catholic church is so out of touch with their congregation. I wish they'd fight for the poor and hungry with as much vigor as they are for this issue that takes away women's rights. Ahhhhhhh! on Why it Sucks to be a Woman Today

You're absolutely right - imagine what they could do for the poor and hungry.

What do you think would happen to the divorce rate if married couples stopped having sex except for the times they were trying to conceive? Don't have sex is the worst argument for this debate I have ever heard! on Why it Sucks to be a Woman Today

I agree totally, but don't tell the Hubs it's the worst argument I could get a week of uninterrupted reading if he believed this.

Any person, man or woman who would dare try to tell me what to do with MY body would get a punch in the throat. I strongly feel that the government needs to stay out of the health care issue completely. I feel as though all companies needs to be responsible enough to cover the costs of birth control ... there are enough unplanned/unwanted pregnancies. The cost to cover birth control is far less than the cost to cover a birth & hospital stay. Women all over should be outraged & should be opening up their mouths.. & to the moron who said "put an aspirin between our knees".. go f*** off!!! on Why it Sucks to be a Woman Today

I'm normally a Republican voter as well but I am absolutely horrified by the current pick of candidates. Between this issue, gay marraige and my hate of Obama, I think I'll be staying home on election day because I don't want any of them. on Why it Sucks to be a Woman Today

Why aren't more women upset with GOP candidate Rick Santorum's comments on women, rape, and pregnancy? He has stated that women who become raped should make the best of a bad situation and consider no option other than raising the baby. This douche canoe is giving chucklhead Mitt Romney a serious run for his money in the primaries. If douche canoe becomes the candidate against Obama you would think someone so radical would not win but not unless people's voices are heard. I am a man, but I am husband to a wife, a son to a mother, a brother to 2 sisters and aspirin asshole and sack of shit Santorum pisses me off. So, I know they must piss women off in that deep soulful angry way Adele is always carrying on about! Let's get fired up! Or if Santorum wins this Afghanistan war veteran and his family are going to move to Barbados (let's face it-its a little more original than stomping off to Canada, it is chill without being chilly, and it is actually a different country, not America Lite!) on Why it Sucks to be a Woman Today

I keep hoping Santorum and his popularity is a nightmare and I'll wake up soon.

This mandate is about more than just getting the Catholic Church to pay for birth control. It's about taking away our freedoms. Everyone should be concerned about this. I am not a crazy conservative, but I am a conservative and I totally support the teachings of the Catholic Church. I live my faith otherwise why call myself a Catholic? on Why it Sucks to be a Woman Today

Jenn, you're losing me with political views and non-lesbian girl crushes.....lesbian girl crushes I understand but non-lesbian girl crushes are just creepy....I read your blog to laugh at your sarcastic humor.....not to hear that you want to force people to do things that go against their religious beliefs and have a crush on Tina Fey on Why it Sucks to be a Woman Today

Don't know what to tell you. This is who I am. See ya.

Every time I post about this topic, I lose Facebook and twitter followers. Not that I care as I don't need those people following me, but the point is - people are living in the 1800s. This is a war against women, make no buts about it - anyone who tells you different is blind. But I will say, I speak with my pocketbook. I donate to Planned Parenthood and other related reproductive organizations. I proudly identify myself as feminist and get irritated when other women are like "Oh we have our rights now so why do you keep fighting and complaining". I say shame on any woman who doesn't fight for their rights - esp reproductive. I think many women are brainwashed to aspire to be like Paris Hilton and all those braindead wastes of space on reality tv. WAKE UP people. on Why It Sucks to be a Woman Today

My goal is to find a way that your column can replace my "People" magazine as bathroom reading. That is the highest of compliments! on The People We Met at the Soccer Game

That is high praise indeed.

Guess "older" 50 year olds can't go to a soccer game without kids? What's with that comment? I'm in my 50's and if I want to go to a scoccer game or any other event I will. Sorry, but that comment want me to PYITT. on The People We Met at the Soccer Game

That's not at all what I said. I said was she was an older woman at a family-friendly event and she didn't seem to like kids being seated around her and it confused me as to why she was there if she didn't like kids around her.

This is exactly why I avoid the general public. I rarely eat out any more, I watch movies from the comfort of my own home, and I try not to attend ball games (especially football games - the annoyance level is way above what I can handle). Sorry your family fun night was ruined by the self-absorbed. on The People We Met at the Soccer Game

Our night wasn't ruined at all. We had a great time and we will definitely be back. If nothing else, I need another souvenir ball and it was great people watching.

Interesting...your kids blog names In my mind match your kids conversation. When I hear Gomer I think of the Andy Griffith show. When I hear Adolpha I think of a super cool independent chick in NYC. I absolutely love your blog and can't wait for a few minutes alone from my three kids to read it and laugh my ass off! on The Craziest Conversation I've Had With My Children in a While

My daughter and son are the same. MY son asked me when you should have a child and I said "When you have an education, a career, a nice house, 6-9 months of savings and a great marriage" and my daughter blurted out "So a kid can come and ruin all that!" Touche, Mary, Touche. on The Craziest Conversation I've Had With My Children in a While

How about the people who create Facebook profiles for their animals and/or children and then post status updates in the voice of their said animals/children. Here is an actual example from a dog (who has twice as many friends as I do) profile: "we had a couple hours of winter yesterdays wit da snow blowing just a lil bits. today we back to warm and sunny. tinks me and Macy will hangs out outside all days. dat ok wit youz momma?" Gag me with a spoon. on More People Who Post More Annoying Things on Facebook

Yeah, your friends are crazier than mine. I have nothing like that.

OH SHIT. I'm a twitter-er/facebooker (they're connected) AND I'm a hashtagging WHORE. However, I can admit that I have a problem. =) I do not generally post dinner pictures, although I have been known to post pictures of candy or doughnuts!!!! Um AND I check in. Wow, I surely did hit many of the items on your list. Please excuse me while I got stab myself in the temple with a letter opener now. on More People Who Post More Annoying Things on Facebook

Yikes...I'm guilty of most of that to one degree or another...except the Hashtags, sonogram pic and ass kissing...but I've been known to check-in, post scripture AND upload a picture of my dinner all at the same time...guess I'm a bit of an over achiever...:) on More People Who Post More Annoying Things on Facebook

hate to add to the list... but bloggers who post the link to the same blog at different times of the day... on More People Who Post More Annoying Things on Facebook

You didn't "hate" to add that to the list. How slow is your feed that I'm clogging it up with 2 posts a day of the same blog post?

I happen to appreciate that one because I am usually a "late-nighter"! on More People Who Post More Annoying Things on Facebook

Bwahahaha. Guilty of a few of these. Happy to give you blog fodder. I can't pretend my life is more interesting than mundane things like the awesome dinner I made or all the errands I managed to get done. Seriously, though, what IS a good FB status? (besides sharing a link to your blog, of course) on More People Who Post More Annoying Things on Facebook

There are no appropriate FB updates (except links to my blog is correct). We are all guilty of these things. I talk about laundry all the time, I don't photograph food, because I don't cook, but I do post a lot of pics of my kids being "cute." I comment on the weather, I link news stories that interest me, I don't post scripture, but I've been known to post silly inspirational stuff. The truth is, as much as it "annoys" me, I can't get enough, I am constantly checking people's updates just to see what's going on and what I'm missing.

Here's what confuses me- Facebook asks for a status update. If my current status is doing chores, or hanging out with my daughter, or one of the hundred other things that "annoy" all of you- why shouldn't I post that? If you're so sensitive that you can't handle reading someone's status updates without flying into a rage get the fuck off FB. on More People Who Post More Annoying Things on Facebook

No one's in a rage. I'm just poking fun. Chill.

I used bribery last night to get my Kindergartner to do her homework. The "reward" 15 minutes on my elliptical machine. I only wish something could motivate me to to get on that thing. Oh well, at least it is getting used by someone. on How Best to Control Your Kids

How Best to Control Your Kids

2012-02-23T08:49:00.001-06:00

Guest post from the Hubs AKA "The Law" about his "Forceful" parenting style.

Lots of parents wonder why my kids are so well behaved and get 100's on their spelling tests. Well, I thought I share my secrets to raising great kids. I have seen those other asshat parents all over the media about how to control their kids. Tiger mom, Wolf dad and the new entry Pistol Packing Papa. They go to such extremes to control their kids. In reality, it is not so hard to control them and get them to do what you want.

Two simple words: Bribery and Blackmail. Yes, I did say bribery and blackmail. Let me explain myself before everyone tells me I am a bad dad and that my children are having a terrible childhood.

I have two kids, Gomer and Adolpha. Gomer is a 7 year old boy and Adolpha is a 5 year old girl. They are totally different, beyond being a boy and girl, and 2 years apart, they have totally different personalities. If you don't believe me, just check out this conversation they had the other day.

Ever since birth, Gomer has been a very easy going child. He started sleeping through the night at three weeks, yes those babies do exist. He has always wanted to do the right thing and looked for our approval and love. Gomer loves to be recognized for his efforts and rewarded. This is the type of child who Bribery is perfect for.

Gomer is now in 1st grade and he gets a new spelling test every week. At first he did not really care about getting a 100% on his tests. I didn't want to pull the Tiger Mom thing and work him to death, but I felt that trying his best was important. So, I had to try something different. I told Gomer that if he came home with 100% on his test every week, we would go get something special after the test. Guess what Gomer picked? Yes, Frozen Yogurt. Simple, easy, no fuss, no muss, just a few dollars a week and Gomer tries his best to get the 100% on his spelling test. Apparently frozen yogurt is like CRACK to these kids. I keep Gomer on the YoCrack and I get him to care about getting 100s on his tests. I know that YoCrack is not going get him into Harvard, but I bet a few well placed video games and some cash bonuses for stellar SAT scores just might.

Adolpha is a totally different story. She was difficult from birth. Hard to manage, cried all the time, very stubborn, and did not want to fall asleep unless she was left alone. Yes, left alone in the crib, not held and rocked to sleep, but would only fall asleep if you put her down, alone in her cold crib. What kind of baby does this? Her older brother Gomer LOVED to be held. Adolpha would just cry and cry if you thought your job was to rock her to sleep. She was really not interested in all that close human contact. She is very strong willed and will not back down to anyone (much like her mother). It seemed as if she couldn't care less about what you wanted her to do. She definitely couldn't care less about the consequences. We would say, "You can't go get frozen yogurt if you don't listen," and her reply was "OK." We would say if you don't do what we say, we are taking away this toy and her reply was "Here you go" and she would hand us the toy. We have tried everything, until one day I came up with something that was pure genius.

Adolpha did not care about any of her toys except a stuffed dog named "PUPPY." She carried Puppy everywhere. She loved Puppy even more than most of her family members. One day I was furious because Adolpha would not listen to me, so I took Puppy and gave Puppy the spanking of its life. Adolpha screamed like she was an extra in "SCREAM" and about to be hacked. Adolpha was so scared and terrified that Puppy would get another beating that she did everything that I demanded. Now, it's not just the threat of physical harm on Puppy that worked, even the thought of being separated from Puppy was enough to get Adolpha in line. We can say things like "Puppy will not sleep with you, and Puppy will be all alone and very sad." This seems to get her attention every time now.

My best advice is to find the "PUPPY" of your child. The most prized toy, stuffed animal or possession your child has and use it to blackmail your child. It just works. Even better, if they don't have something they love, you need to GIVE them a toy or stuffed animal they will love just so you can take it away and use it for blackmail. I know, that sounds terrible, but try it, you'll like it. Easy, quick and fast results.

So here it is, the secrets of my success. Bribery and Blackmail. I am not interested in making my kids run outside in the cold snow wearing only underwear, I don't want to shoot my child's computer with a .45, and I don't want to make my kids hate me because I make them practice piano for 3 hours straight and tell them that they are garbage. Or worse yet, do what these caretakers did and run your third grader to death, literally.

No, I just like to take my kids out for YoCrack once a week and threaten to spank a stuffed animal. The way I see it, I am just getting them ready for the real world. What do you think "WORK" is all about? Your BOSS tells you to do something and you get paid for it. If you don't do what your BOSS says, you lose your job and you don't get paid. Hmmm...sounds like my kids are learning about the real world at an early age and getting a head start.

One last piece of advice. You must start this at a very young age. Kids are like young Jedi knights and their "Force" is getting stronger everyday. We are like Darth Vader and growing old and weak with each passing day. As the "Father" we must control and break the spirits of our young Padawans early before their Force grows too strong and overtakes us. Remember the time when Darth Vader had to chop off Luke's hand just to get his point across? That would not have happened if Darth Vader was able to train Luke from the time he was a young padawan. Yes, Star Wars can answer any and all questions concerning parenting.

If you don't agree with this post, that is fine. If you agree with this post, that is even better. BUT, if you choose to base your parenting style on something you read on a blog called "People I Want to Punch in the Throat," I think you should take a step back and get a sense of humor.

The HUBS

If you want to read some more words of wisdom from the Hubs, you can read it here.

The Craziest Conversation I've Had With My Children in a While

2012-02-21T09:01:00.003-06:00

As I've mentioned before, riding in the car seems to be the time when my kids really want to talk and I learn a lot about how their little brains work and what they think. This is the craziest conversation I've had with my children...recently.

The other night we had a 30 minute drive and Gomer and Adolpha started talking to each other. I'm not sure how the conversation got started, but by the time I figured out what they were talking about, I realized that somehow I have raised a femi-Nazi and Ward Cleaver.

Gomer: Adolpha, are you ever going to be a mommy?

Adolpha: No way.

Gomer: But why not? If you were a mommy I could be your kids' uncle.

Adolpha: So?

Gomer: So, it would be fun and we could live together with our kids.

Adolpha: No. I don't want to be a mommy. Kids are too much work. I'm going to have a job and I won't have time for kids...I will live with you though. (I've been hearing Adolpha say kids are too much work since she was 3. I have never said that to her and I'm not sure where she gets that - other than my haggard expression at the end of each day.)

Gomer: Hmm...I'm not sure my wife will want you to live with us.

Adolpha: Pleeeeease?

Gomer: You know what? It's OK. I'll just tell my wife you're going to live with us.

Me: Gomer, don't you think you should ask your wife if your sister can live with you? You can't just tell her what to do.

Gomer: Sure I can, Mom. I'm the daddy. The daddy makes the rules.

Me: Says who?

Gomer: I don't know. I just know he does.

Me: Does your daddy make all the rules in our house?

Gomer: No. But....he should.

Me: Gomer! That's not a healthy marriage....(I then went on a big speech about how marriage is a partnership, we work together, we make decisions together, we make "rules" together, blah, blah, blah.)

(I thought I'd change the subject and get Gomer off the topic of telling his wife the "rules of the house" and I was curious to know how many grandchildren I could expect someday.)

Me: Gomer, how many kids would you like?

Gomer: We'll have five. Their names will be Jennifer, June, Joshua, Jack and John.

Me: Wow, five is a lot. I hope you're ready to help your wife take care of all those children.

Gomer: No, my wife will take care of them all. She will stay home with them and be their mommy all the time. I will work two jobs if I have to just so my wife doesn't have to work.

(This is not the example Gomer has been raised with and I'm not sure where he came up with this, but I held my tongue and waited for him to explain his rationale. I didn't need to ask, Adolpha was on it.)

Adolpha: Your wife can have a job if she wants, Gomer!

Gomer: No. I want her home.

Adolpha: But what if she doesn't want to be home? Mommy, can't a mommy work at an office and be a mommy?

Me: Yes. But there are lots of mommies who choose to stay home with their kids and they make that their job - and they need the daddies to help, Gomer! It's actually a very hard job, Adolpha!

Adolpha: Yes, I know. That's why I don't want that job.

Gomer: Adolpha, that will be your job if your husband says so.

(Seriously, Gomer?? What the hell?)

Adolpha: Then I won't have a husband. I'll just have boys who want to marry me, but I won't want to marry them.

(Crap. Divert. Dirvert.)

Me: Hey now, that's a long way off. We don't need to decide all of this right now. Who wants to listen to Adele?

(And we drove the rest of the way in silence listening to "Rolling in the Deep" on a loop with me over-analyzing my conversation with a 5 year old femi-Nazi and a 7 year old Ward Cleaver. As Adele sang her little broken heart out all I could think was, Shit, shit, shit. How did this happen? We've been so focused on making Adolpha strong and independent, we've made her to no longer want children! And Gomer! Who the hell knows? Good thing this is all the Hubs' department. I blame him - after all, he should be ruling our house.)

The People We Met at the Soccer Game

2012-02-20T09:13:00.000-06:00

The Hubs and I had an opportunity to take our kids to a Comets (professional indoor soccer) game this weekend with some friends and we had the pleasure of sharing air space with some real gems of society.

The first was the 50-something lady sitting in front of us who kept giving my family the stink eye every time our kids cheered for the team or got excited. Hellooooo....we're at a soccer game, we're allowed to cheer. This isn't golf or tennis, you moron.

She was also very concerned about her hair. She had longish curly hair that practically rested at our feet. It was quite large and poufy and it was constantly being "fluffed" in our direction and she'd get irritated if anyone came near to touching her hair. Well then get it out of my kids' cotton candy space!

I've never been to a Comets game before, but it felt very family-friendly and it seemed really geared towards kids with loud music, constant activity and freebies thrown into the stands every few minutes. Because of this, it seemed strange to me that this older woman and her husband (?) would come alone to the game, sit with two seats between them and never interact with one another until one would suggest they go get some more food. If you don't like noisy kids who touch your hair then what the hell are you doing here and why don't you use that banana clip you've got clipped to your zebra print purse??

The space between our rows was quite narrow and a few times in their excitement, my kids kicked her seat back. After the second time, she turned around and stated, "We are not going to do this. I will not sit here this whole game and have them kick the back of my seat." I was surprised she actually spoke up and at first I was irritated, but then I realized this is exactly what would bother me too. So, I smiled sweetly and made my kids apologize and told her we'd try to be more careful. She hurumphed and turned her back on me. This pissed me off. We are trying to do the right thing and you're still going to be a total bitch? Fine. It was on. I gave her my best eye roll I could come up with and went back to enjoying the game. After a few more minutes, the team scored and my friend's son rejoiced and accidentally kicked the back of her chair. Again. Doh! She glared again at the kids.

I looked down the row and saw there were some empty seats further down from the Hubs with no one in front of them. I asked the Hubs to move down a couple of seats so that I could sit behind the lady. I made a big production that we were moving, just so she'd notice (yeah, I can be passive aggressive like the best of them) and we settled into our new seats. She didn't even turn around. So my friend was sure to pat her on the shoulder and say, "Just wanted you to know, we moved down so the kids won't bother you now." The lady still didn't turn around to acknowledge her. Sheesh. Just goes to show, sometimes there are people out there you can never please. I sure hope that between our three kids, surely one of them got some cotton candy in her hair.

The other gems we met were the family who sat behind us (and were kind enough NOT to kick our seats). This family seemed nice enough when we sat down. It was a father, a mother and two middle school aged girls who kept making the rounds through the stadium visiting friends in suites. We smiled at one another and sort of nodded the way you do when you're going to have share the same area for the next hour and a half. They seemed normal enough until the Comets scored their first goal.

The tradition is, the player who scores throws out a couple small, signed plastic soccer balls. The Comets scored and the player threw a ball into the stands and it was coming right towards us. The Hubs stood up and stuck his hand out and he caught the ball. A nice little souvenir for Gomer. What the Hubs didn't know was that when he went for the ball so did the man behind him. The man actually grabbed the Hubs a bit because he started to fall over the seats in his excitement reaching for the ball. He found his footing and we all had a good chuckle until the Hubs handed the ball to Gomer. That's when the fun stopped. As soon as they realized we were going to keep the ball, the woman said, "Heyyyy....that was for me. The guy looked right at me before he threw it. That was mine." I looked to see if she was teasing, but she was dead serious. "That was for me." She meant it! Her kids were gone at this point and it was just these two goofballs sitting there glaring at my kid and his freebie. I gave the Hubs a look that said, "HUH?" and he just raised an eyebrow back at me and shook his head slightly. Gomer was looking nervous like we might give his souvenir to the grown ass lady whining behind him.

Don't worry, Gomer, not gonna happen. I never give into whiners.

We just turned around and ignored them. We continued to watch the game and every time I'd glance behind me if the woman wasn't reapplying her lip gloss or re-braiding her adorable loose side braid, I could swear the woman was looking longingly at the ball in Gomer's hands. Creepy.

At the half time they threw some more balls into the crowd. The mascot was throwing them this time. He pointed right at me. Just like braid lady I could tell he was saying, "Jen, this one is for you - get ready!" I was ready. Adolpha still needed a ball and I wanted this one. The mascot hit the ball with a racquet and it sailed high up towards the ceiling. I lost the ball in the lights for a moment and then suddenly, I saw it. It was coming right at me! I got my hands up; ready to catch the ball. I watched it come closer and closer to me, it was going to land right in my hands! Almost there.....

THWACK!!

The braid lady's husband had reached over my head and batted the ball out of my range!!

It fell several rows in front of me and a grown man ("gentleman") caught it and realized a child would enjoy it more than him so he tossed to the young boys sitting near him. That's how it's done, idiot!

I turned around and the asshat and his lip glossed wife were high fiving each other like he was Lamar Odom blocking the game winning shot from Jeremy Lin (we have Lin-sanity over here, the Hubs is Asian). "Lamar" just shrugged his shoulders at me as if to say, "Whoops."

Are you kidding me with this shit? That ball was for my kid, you asshat! And, honestly, I probably would have fumbled it and he could have made a legitimate catch. He didn't want to though. He just wanted to make sure I didn't catch it. Fucker.

I ignored them after that. There was no way in hell I was going to start a fight with a deranged couple over a plastic soccer ball (plus poufy haired lady might get his back and then I'd be screwed). All I can say is if blocking a 5 foot tall woman from getting a ball for her kid makes him feel like a big man then I feel sorry for braid lady, because I can only imagine how small his penis must be.

Even Gomer figured out what happened. He said to me, "Mom, it was like that guy didn't want us to get two balls. He thought, 'Your husband stopped my wife and now I'm going to show you the payback of a man!'"

I can't make this shit up.

Why It Sucks to be a Woman Today

2012-02-18T08:49:00.001-06:00

As you know by now, I believe strongly in rights for women and I absolutely can not stand it when politicians, (mostly celibate) clergyMEN, and anyone else starts telling me (and my daughter) what I can and can not do with my reproductive organs and how much they expect me to pay for these "rights."

I don't understand why this is even a debate about religious freedom. This is not an attack on religion, it is an attack on women thinly disguised as an attack on religion. To me, the argument is simple: religious institutions accept government money, thus they must follow the healthcare mandate that has been put to them by the government that gave them the money. If the institution has female employees they should not be able to say which ailments/conditions/medications/etc. they are willing to pay for. That is discrimination. That's why I believe this is a war on women. Believe me, if this was about paying for erectile dysfunction meds or prostate exams, the guys would be allllll over that.

Why are men at the forefront of this controversy? I am just amazed that once again men are waging war against women. Yes, men are waging this war. Have you seen the charming gentlemen who suggested we stick an aspirin between our knees?

And I find it frightening that I haven't hardly heard a peep from a woman. Where are the women? Why aren't the women speaking up and saying exactly what they want? I'm not saying that every woman is on my side. I know there are women out there who agree with these guys, but even they aren't speaking out and saying this is what they want.

What is going on??? Where are our voices??? Why do we as women sit there and allow men to tell us what to do with our own bodies???

Ladies, men would never let us get away with this kind of behavior. Why aren't more women angry? Why aren't women concerned about this latest attack?

Don't let these men make laws that affect your bodies without at least speaking up - for or against. Let them know how you feel and let them know what you want.

Do you really want to pay $100 or more in co-pays each month for contraception? Do you really want an unplanned pregnancy because you couldn't afford your co-pay?

I sure don't.

Here is my birth control story: I am almost 40 years old. I can not have another baby. I am too old and I am too poor to afford another one. The Hubs and I are a bit "explosive" together. He looks at me cross eyed and I get pregnant. I got pregnant with Gomer when I was on the Pill and then I got pregnant with Adolpha the first day I went off the Pill. After Adolpha I knew we were done with our family and I asked my doctor for his advice since the Pill was not effective for me and no one who's married likes condoms. He recommended an IUD. I love it. I have had the same IUD now for 5 years and 1 month. The expiration in the United States on the Mirena is 5 years. (In other parts of the world, the same Mirena is "good" for another 2 years - don't even get me started on the drug companies and their B.S.) I need another IUD. When I got the one I have now, I paid a co-pay of $750. In those days, the Hubs had a good job and good insurance and we could afford that. Today we are both self-employed and we pay a small fortune for crappy insurance that probably will cover very little of my new IUD. I haven't even had the guts to call my doctor to find out what my new IUD will cost (I can only imagine). Instead, I'm hoping that France got it right when they said my Mirena would work effectively for 7 years, because if it doesn't I'm afraid the system is going to have another welfare baby on their hands.

Weekly Wrap Up 2.17.12

2012-02-17T09:30:00.000-06:00

What a week!!! First, I'd like to welcome all my new readers. Hellooooo. Welcome. Just a quick note, I swear a lot, I'm feisty and I can be offensive at times. I hope you stick around, but I understand if I piss you off in a week or so and you head for the hills. It happens to the more narrow minded folk (shit, I probably just lost someone with that comment).

I picked up a lot of new readers this week because I was a media ~~whore~~ darling. Let's see, first Huffington Post kept up my Things I Could Do Before I Had Children from last week, then the Comedy section of HP grabbed my love letter to Tina Fey, then HP Parents came back again and featured Passive Parents. I think HP wants to be my Valentine, but I'm not sure yet. I also was featured on BlogHer this week. They ran my Busy People Who Complain They're Busy piece. My world domination plan is coming together now.

Now that I'm getting picked up by legitimate news organizations they would like me to have pictures that I have the rights to. I've added a new button on my blog here called Want a Punch? If you're willing to let me "punch" your blog and use the pictures and/or content on your blog, please list it in the comments section of that page. I will notify you when I'm going to use your material and I'll give you a link back. You could get some decent traffic if you have a good sense of humor and you're willing to let me poke fun at you. I tend to need stuff that's crafty, kids and/or pets related. If you know someone who knows someone who has a blog that fits this criteria, feel free to let them know too. All are welcome!

The Top Read Post This Week Were:

The Over Achievers Are at it Again - Those OAMs were out in force this week celebrating Valentine's Day. I was so thrilled to see so many of my OAM readers stand up and take the first step towards recovery: acceptance of who they are. Way to go, ladies!! But don't recover too quickly, your antics are gold for my blog. I can't wait to see what you do with President's Day!!

The Elf made another appearance for Valentine's too. Crazy! I'm thinking of posing my Elf on the Shelf next to the pool this summer just so I can get a bit more play out of him. Who knew??

Top 10 Reasons to "Love Me" or "Get With Me" - The Hubs guest posted. He made a fairly interesting list about why he should have more alone time with me. He's pretty excited he's still on the list this week.

For My Secret Valentine - My love letter to Tina Fey "The Colonel" from her number 1 fan "The Jeneral." I still have not heard from Tina, but I haven't given up hope. I'm pretty sure she's in the process of taking out a restraining order against me. Of course my dad came up with the idea that Tina should work my letter into an episode of "30 Rock" that I could guest star in. See? You thought I was a narcissist. I'm the small dreamer in the family.

Valentine's Day Response - This was my response to the Hubs' list. Some people thought I was hard on him, especially telling him to work on looking less pickle-like, but when you call out a lady's maintenance issues, the gloves are off. I got what I wanted though: "Breaking Dawn" (that we laughed through - WHEN will they get a decent makeup artist on those movies??) and a heart shaped pizza. Romance, baby!

List of Mini Punches - This was a repost of a bunch of things that bug me.

Favorite Comments of the Week (and my responses) Were:

Ok! Feel free to punch me! I actually enjoy doing things with my child or FOR my child, and yes...call me crazy but I like to put thought and creativity into it! You sound lazy with no imagination. Your kids are only young once why don't you enjoy it and be that fun Mom I'm sure they want. If you would spend half the time on creating fun Valentines as you do on this hater rant you call a blog then maybe your Valentines would have been worth more than something I'm sure other parents just chucked in their trash! on The Overachievers Are at it Again

Believe me when I tell you this. My kids could care a fuck about cute Valentines. My kids enjoyed making their own "masterpieces" that looked like crap, but were all their own creation with a little help from me on the tattoos. And I don't doubt for a second that all those Valentines they made ended up in their friends' trash, but believe me so did yours. NO ONE saves ANYONE'S Valentines.

Your choice of language is atrocious. Being crass by using obscenity is demeaning. on The Overachievers Are at it Again

I love when I let Anonymous commenters back in. I always get a chicken shit like this telling me to watch my mouth. My response is and always will be, Fuck off, would you please?

At some point, you should give a nod to the under-achievers too. My kid is in daycare (he's 3). The teacher sent a list of the 9 kids in the class so you could write out a valentine. One of the mothers actually wrote the valentine to "Gracie's friend at school". My son's name is 3 letters - it would have been easier to just use the darn list. on The Overachievers Are at it Again

Our preschool asked the kids to just put their own names on the cards and not their friends. It made it easier for distribution. I got the memo too late or else I would have totally done that. It took her forever to write everyone's names.

I just spit out my coffee on the line "I didn't realize the teacher was my sweetheart"....hilarious :) on The Overachievers Are at it Again

Oh good, I was beginning to get a complex because no one had spit anything out in weeks. Glad to see I've still "got it."

Okay, I'll admit it. *ahem* I like to make cutesy crafty things for my kids to give out so that people will tell me how great I am. I totally made the V-day card of my kid holding her arm out so that it looks like she's handing you the sucker. And I did it because I like a challenge (though it wasn't as hard as I thought) and because I did not want to have to argue with her about Princess Valentines versus My Little Pony Valentine's versus tattoos or pencils or whatever the hell else. And don't even get me started on her penmanship. I made an executive decision and had those things done in less time than it took me to assemble my materials. Plus I had to go to Target for the lollipops and when I go to Target, everybody wins, especially the Target stockholders (you're welcome). I didn't make the reindeer cakeballs with preztel antlers and I didn't make the turkey cupcakes that had Nutter Butters for heads and sugar glue dots for eyes, but I did craft it up for V-Day because as I on The Over Achievers Are at it Again

Woohoo! An admission. Nice work. Thanks for owning it and seeing the humor. And thank you for feeding my illness and leaving me a comment.

I didn't read through your 194 comments, so I apologize if this is already in here already... but I want to punch people who use Starbucks as their own personal office. Sure, I spend hours on end here (I'm actually at Starbucks now) blogging and such, but I don't conduct interviews/sales calls/lead meetings here. I don't talk about "sensitive" information and hand out dirty looks when the person next to me eavesdrops. And I certainly don't stand in the middle of the store and practice presentations. I know I should mind my own business, but it's hard to take my eyes of you when you are walking around in mini-circles, mouthing words and making small hand gestures. It's distracting, and you look like an idiot (although that part I actually enjoy a little). on Got a Punch?

Oooh, sounds like I need to be spending more time at my local Starbucks - great material for the blog. Thanks for the tip!

You live in KS? I live in KS! Well raised here, then moved to the East Coast. NOw back again. You're right, it doesn't blow as much as you'd think. I love all the Wizard of Oz references don't you? What part of KS? I could totally see myself plotting to punch the same people in the throat. You say all I want to say aloud, but would probably be frowned upon. Keep it up, you make my days bright ;o) on Who is Jen?

I'm just the opposite. Raised on the East Coast, came here, moved back to the East Coast and now I'm back in KS again - Overland Park. When I moved away from NYC my boss gave me a cake with the yellow brick road on it for my going away party. They love that Oz shit on the East Coast.

I have a blogging punch in the throat I would like to give out. The people who visit my blog for the first time ever and say something to the effect of "Hey, love your blog. Come follow me." Basically, anyone who only contacts you so they can ask to be followed. They drive me nuts and clutter up my page. on Got a Punch?

Good point. I appreciate your comment. Can you follow me now?

Boobs! You forgot boobs! Totally miss them. on Things I Could do Before I had Children

Mine are still hanging around....just near my knees.

Jen... I've been reading since about November. You say so many of the things I want to say on a daily7 basis, and I'm single with no kids! You make me laugh out loud during my lunch breaks and I thank you for that. You actually inspired me to stop being so afraid to start my own blog for fear that people would judge me. I started today... whoop di doo! Thank you for your inspiration. on Don't Make Me Punch You

I'm glad you started your own blog and I wish you great success. Be warned though no matter what you say on your blog some asshat will judge you. Get ready. It hurts the first time. But the good news is, you have a delete button so you don't even have to read their judgmental crap. Good luck!

Jen, you are my secret girl crush! I'd totally have lunch and go shopping with you if Tina's too busy! on For My Secret Valentine

Thanks, I could use a new bestie. It's not looking like Tina and I are going to work out.

Bossypants & the Jeneral - now that would be a lunchdate to remember! on For My Secret Valentine

I know! Right? She really needs to call me.

I feel it is my duty to point out the ways sex is NOTHING like running a marathon. 1. There are crowds of supporters cheering you on along the way. They do not care how long it is taking you to get to the finish line. 2. Upon crossing said finish line, you are given a medal. It matters not how crappy your overall performance was. You crossed the finish line? Medal for you. 3. There are tents FULL of high calorie, yummy treats just waiting for you after you're done. 4. Lots of times there are massage tables. You go lay on one, and someone rubs you down. And, this is AFTER you finish. They do not expect you to go run again when you get off the table. on Valentine's Day Response

Boom goes the dynomite. Well played Jen, well played. on Valentine's Day Response

Well, he was funny, but you are amazing. Still laughing about the giant pickle! on Valentine's Day Response

I threw this one in to remind him that he's funny, but I'm amazing.

The Over Achievers Are at it Again

2012-02-15T09:21:00.001-06:00

Oh no they didn't! The over achievers are at it again and this time they've taken on Valentine's Day. If I see one more picture of heart shaped pancakes and dyed red milk I'm going to scream. And don't even get me started on this:

Photo courtesy of OAM with sense of humor

Put that damn Elf away!!! He does not belong out on Valentine's Day!!!

My Facebook started blowing up this morning and didn't stop all day. I saw so many cutesy Valentine's that kids did not make.

Do not try to tell me that kids made half the Valentine's I saw today. There's no way. Kids did not take an adorable photo of themselves holding out their arm and the kids did not punch a hole in the picture and put a sucker in there so it looks like they're handing you the sucker from the precious photo. Kids did not make these Nintendo DS Valentines:

Or these dynamite valentines:

Kids did not melt chocolate over a stove and pour the steaming hot liquid into candy molds in the shapes of hearts, Legos, roses, etc. Kids did not get on the computer and design and print colorful cardstock with fun little sayings like "Owl Love You Forever" and then staple them to the tops of plastic bags full of homemade candy they didn't make. I just don't believe it.

Looking through the Valentine's my kids received today, I will say the majority of the kids did address them at least, but that's about it.

Even I had to get on the bandwagon a bit with the overachievers. My own kids gave out store bought cards with included tattoos (The ones that included pencils were all sold out, damn it. I guess that's what I get when I wait until the weekend before to buy my Valentines). I had to sit there for an hour poking those minuscule tattoo corners into the stupid slits on the cards, because my kids lack the patience and dexterity to do it themselves. I would have chucked the tattoos, except the cards say, "Enjoy your tattoo!" and my kids were watching me making sure I included a tattoo for all their friends. They know me so well! They knew if they left me alone to my own devices, I'd throw the tattoos in the trash and call it done. I know how long it took me to assemble those stupid things and they'll never end up on anyone's Pinterest boards. I should have done the damn photo with the sucker thing. It might have actually been faster.

And since when did Valentine's become Christmas and Halloween rolled into one? My kids came home with so much candy and presents today it couldn't all fit in their backpacks. We are still eating our way through Halloween and Christmas candy at this point. We do not need anymore.

I saw the pictures of the overachievers who were up bright and early giving their kids gifts for Valentine's Day. I will get on board with the Easter Bunny bringing you a little something, but Cupid? I don't think so. Not in this house. I believe I just bought a shitload of gifts for my kids not 2 months ago and a fat guy got all the credit, the hell I'm doing that again only now it's a fat baby looking thing getting the credit.

Most of the gifts I saw were Legos or art supplies or things like that. I did see an iTouch though and I heard about bouquets of flowers being delivered to the schools - for kids. I feel sorry for the future husbands of those girls. If they've been getting a dozen roses since Kindergarten, imagine what they're going to want when they're 40! A heart shaped pizza and "Breaking Dawn" on DVD is not going to suffice (thank you, Hubs!!).

It wasn't just the kids either. It was the teachers too. At the class party today there were a few gifts for the teacher. Of course, my kid wanted to know where our gift for the teacher was. How was I supposed to know we were giving gifts?? I didn't realize the teacher was my sweetheart and I should have brought her a box of chocolates.

I tell you, it's amazing how the overachievers can take the simplest holiday and turn it into a production and an event "for the kids." Ha! The overachievers aren't doing it for the kids. They're doing it for themselves. They're doing it so they can have all the other moms say to them, "How adorable! What a cute idea. You're so creative and fun! I would love to be your kid!" I just want them to own it and say it out loud. I want them to say, "I like to make cutesy crafty things for my kids to give out so that people will tell me how great I am. I like to give the teacher a gift because I know that no one else will and I'll stand out and look like a champ." Just own it and I'll leave you alone.

I have lots of annoying and egotistical things I do, but the difference is, I own them. For instance, I will tell anyone, I am a whore for comments on my blog. I love comments. I check my comments all the time. I love to read the comments and I enjoy reading them - even the nasty ones make me happy. At least someone's reading (not as carefully as I'd like sometimes, but reading nonetheless). See? That wasn't hard. Now you try.

Eh, I don't know why I'm amazed every time the overachievers raise the bar and make me look like an ass, but I am. And every holiday it seems to gets worse. I've already noticed St. Patrick's Day trending out there. Oh God, it's coming. I refuse to make green milk and shamrock shaped pancakes and I'll be damned if I ever make this stupid thing:

Yup, it's a fucking Leprechaun trap.

For My Secret Valentine

2012-02-14T08:18:00.000-06:00

Valentine's Day is here and I should be writing a heartfelt post about the Hubs. I've done that already and then he responded and then I responded and now I'm just bored by all of that.

Instead, I will send out a very special Valentine to the person I think could possibly be my soul mate. I imagine us taking long walks together, laughing over deli sandwiches, cracking ourselves up making fun of Sarah Palin, having playdates with our kids, working together to make sure our daughters don't grow up to be Queen Bees or Wanna Bees and sharing our love/hate relationship with mom jeans. This person would complete me.

The problem is, my secret Valentine doesn't know I exist. So I decided to write a letter and since I've had some decent luck with my letters getting in the right hands, I thought I'd take a shot again. So here goes....

Dear Tina Fey,

I adore you. Not in a creepy I want to wear your skin like a Snuggie kind of way, just in a major non-lesbian girl crush sort of way (although I'm cool with lesbians and if you wanted to try that I could probably be talked into it, but only by you).

We could be friends, girl. I know it. I feel it. You and I definitely think alike on so many levels. I read that you wrote an anonymous satirical column in your high school newspaper. Hello....what do you think I'm doing right now? True, I'm a bit older than a high school student, but it's still cool that we have that in common don't you think? Your byline was The Colonel. I'm thinking of changing mine to The Jeneral ( the "Jeneral" with a "J" - an homage to you and a play on my name - get it??)

I promise if we ever went to lunch we wouldn't need to talk about writing. I'd just buy you lunch and ask you to make fun of everyone in the room. If you said yes, I'd fly to New York tomorrow and take you to lunch! Have you been to TGIFridays? It's a special place for me and I'd like to share it with you too.

Courtesy of Underachiever's Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess.

Come on, stranger things have happened! Did you see that story about the Pittsburgh Steeler player who met a random fan for lunch and ended up spending all Super Bowl weekend together hanging out? That could be us! They worked out together, they ate several meals together, they attended a party together and had massages together. I would be happy to do all of that except the workout part, let's just get massages twice. They're BFFs now and we could be too.

Seriously, Tina, I admire you and what you've accomplished. You are truly the funniest person in all of show business. Not the funniest woman - the funniest person. I read Bossypants and it inspired me to start working on my own memoirs. Once I get it done, I'll send it to you. I know you'll be on pins and needles until it arrives. It's worth the wait, I promise.

So, here it is, my Valentine message to you, Tina. I want you in my life. I need you in my life. Men come and go, but our friendship could be forever.

Lots of love,

Your number one fan The Jeneral

OK, readers I need your help to get my Valentine into Tina's hands. Do you have a cousin whose neighbor is related to a guy who used to work in the next cubicle over from a woman who met a limo drive who once drove Tina's assistant to pick up her dry cleaning? Send this to your cousin! Maybe you don't even have that close of a connection. It's ok, because YOUR circle might, so go ahead and share it, tweet it, mail it, send it by carrier pigeon. Use your six degrees of separation to its fullest potential. Surely, we can get this to Tina. When I have lunch with her I'll tell her all about you and how much you love her too.

UPDATE: Huffington Post is trying to help me make my dream a reality. Late this afternoon they picked up my letter and published it on their site. I don't kid myself that Tina might actually read this blog, but there is a real good chance she reads HP. Please check it out and leave a comment on HP about how much you love Tina too. Together we can do this!

Valentine's Day Response

2012-02-13T08:58:00.002-06:00

Dear Hubs, Got your letter. I've changed the Blogger password - you don't get full, unedited access again. What must people think of me? First, I agreed to go on a date with you when you were a complete asshole to me and then I let you write a list where you air all of my dirty laundry for the blogosphere to read about - you really had to talk about my maintenance issues? Anytime you're ready to get on all fours and get your ball sack and ass crack waxed you let me know and I'll book a double appointment for us to get a Brazilian.

Now everyone is waiting for my response and I don't know what to do. Should I go for scorched earth and pick on everything from you buying me roses at Aldi and you're belching problem (who wakes up and needs to belch at 7 am??) or kill you with kindness (tell you why I love you in spite of your behavior)? Probably a bit of both.

I get it, you want more attention, but honestly, how much more attention can I give you? You are never happy with what you get. And you have a very short memory. You are constantly whining that it's been a week and really it's only been a day. I must not be that memorable, but I'm not taking all the heat here, it takes two and obviously your performance was just as unforgettable as mine. Maybe if it lasted longer than "5 minutes" (are we watching the same clock?) and you didn't go into hibernation right away you'd remember more.

And did you read the lady's orange analogy? I hate oranges, so I substituted watermelon, but the sentiment is still the same. Watermelon is messy and a real pain to prepare and clean up. I love watermelon, but just not every day, it's too much work.

Basically, I'll tell you what I tell the kids, The more you whine, the less it makes me want to do anything nice for you.

Instead I'll give you some advice. You want to get more action? Here's a hint. I want you to woo me. "Wooing me" is not saying: "You wanna get with this?" I overheard Gomer just this morning say to you, "Daddy, with your clothes off you look like a giant pickle." I have no idea what he means exactly, but you should take that to heart. No one wants to "get with" a giant pickle. Work on looking less pickle-like.

It really isn't that difficult to woo me. Just stop being so damn cheap. I don't need a candlelight dinner, roses and diamonds, but I do need a little more than a restaurant that you have a buy one/get one free coupon for. Stop using technology to stalk me - well the credit card, really. When I go shopping do not sit at home and track my purchases online. It's unnerving when you call me and ask me if I really needed whatever I bought for $73.24 at Bed, Bath & Beyond. It was especially shitty of you when I bought your Christmas present and as I was leaving the store you called and told me take it back because I'd spent too much and it wasn't what you really wanted.

I realize I'm not perfect either as you so eloquently pointed out in your letter. All the things you mentioned in your letter are a good start, but I think you missed the mark on a few of the points.

Yes, you do the bulk of the cooking and for that I am eternally grateful. You are a better cook than me any day of the week. You enjoy cooking and you are the better cook, so it makes total sense that you cook. HOWEVER, I clean up after you cook. I am the one who washes the pots and pans. I am the one who sweeps the floor, wipes the counters, clears the table, etc. You always forget that part.

While I appreciate that you load the dishwasher, it is only because you have a ridiculous OCD way it must be done. God forbid I put a cup or a bowl in the wrong place. I hear about it for days on end. Don't even get me started on your harping on me for running the dishwasher "too soon" and wasting money because it wasn't full enough to run. THAT is why you load the dishwasher, because no one can bear to listen to you bitch about something as silly as a dishwasher and I'd rather fight with you over real things.

I suppose you can call what you do "unloading" the dishwasher, but we have been married for 9 years and you would think that by now you would know where the plastic containers, the wooden spoons, casserole dishes, etc. go. I'll give you a hint: NOT on the counter. If it isn't a drinking glass (coffee mugs don't count), a plate, or a piece of silverware you have "no idea" where these belong. You HALF unload the dishwasher.

Yes, it's true that most mornings you do get up with the kids to "make" them breakfast. Breakfast in our house consists of yogurt, fresh fruit and dry cereal with milk on the side. You're not running an omelette bar every morning with fresh squeezed OJ.

And yes, you have let me "sleep in" on occasion (thank you for doing it just this morning, it was lovely). Rarely do I sleep through breakfast. I do stay in bed, but I am awake. Have you ever thought that maybe I'm giving you quality time with our children? You are making memories out there in the kitchen with them. They know that the mornings are their special one on one time with Daddy. You're welcome.

It's a lot like the quality time you give me at night when I put the kids to bed by myself, read to them, and talk to them. Thank you.

Also, those kids had better be the only children you have or we've got real problems. No woman finds that joke as funny as men do. Keep telling that joke and you really will go weeks without loving.

Another tip, never tell a lady that she needs to work out and that sex is good cardio. It just sounds like a horrible pick up line you probably heard on "Entourage" and my reply would be something equally snarky like "Honestly, sometimes running a marathon sounds like a more enjoyable cardio workout than sex with you."

At the end of the day you may think your list will sway me, but you forget about my trump card. I carried two babies in my belly for you. When you can carry a baby and give birth you let me know.

I vomited daily, I gave birth prematurely, I had emergency surgery, I had an episiotomy that still hurts to this day if I move a certain way, I shat on a table in front of a room full of people, I have hemorrhoids and stretch marks, I had mastitis, and baby blues.

We love those kids like nothing else. We'd each take a bullet for them, we'd do anything to make sure they are healthy, happy and loved. I am exhausted at the end of a day of making sure they are healthy, happy and loved there just isn't much left over for you.

Luckily, our marriage isn't based on sex. Lucky for us, our marriage is based on our strong commitment to our relationship, our love for each other, our ability to laugh at one another and with one another.

That being said, I'm still pissed that you called out my lack of grooming and if you think you're going to get any special time on Valentine's Day you'd better pull out all the stops. I say I don't need flowers and chocolates, etc., but I deserve them now. You owe me. Plus, Breaking Dawn is out on DVD. I think you should buy it for me and watch it with me. It's the least you can do, funny man, for your bushy, overgrown wife.

Much love and adoration,

Jen

List of Mini Punches

2012-02-11T09:47:00.000-06:00

Re-posted from archives.

1. Mortgage companies. I know, I know. I'm a Realtor - I should love mortgage companies, but they really are so effing evil. They're such greedy bastards. They make so much money off of me every month and then LOVE to charge me stupid fees for verifying that I put a new roof on my house. WTF? Yup, today we found out that in order to get our money from the insurance claim, it must go into an escrow account held by our mortgage company and they won't pay the roofers until WE pay them to send a lackey out to verify we have a new roof. Meanwhile, they earn interest off our insurance money while we pay for the roofer out of pocket and wait to be reimbursed. Effing loan sharks.

2. People who drive minivans like they're in the The Fast & The Furious. I had a woman in a swagger wagon pull an illegal u-turn on a busy road in front of me the other day. I thought we were in the middle of a police chase for a minute. Then I saw she was on the phone and realized she was lost and calling for directions. I sure hope she had Aighmey buckled in tightly. My favorite part, though, was when I honked, she gave me the big F You! I live in Middle America, people around here barely honk, so I'll give her props for dropping the F bomb on me. However, she's lucky because it just made me wish I had something to throw through her window.

3. Nosy/snooty neighbors. The neighbor across the street from me is having some major landscaping done. It's been going on for a couple of weeks now and every night machinery and piles of rock, dirt, mulch, etc. are left in the center of our cul de sac. Today a Board Member from our HOA called and asked if I knew what was going on with all the mess. I said, "Did someone actually call and complain about this??" He said, "Yes." Now, I used to be the Board President and I know how this neighborhood is. They call about the dumbest shite. (So and so's yard has dandelions and they're encroaching on my lawn. So and so left his car on the street overnight and not in his garage. So and so's dog barks too much. There are black kids going door to door selling magazines - can't you stop them?)

I said to him, "Does this person even live on my street?" Dead silence. Yeah, that's what I thought. They probably live two blocks over and they're still pissed off about what's going on in MY front yard!

Let me tell you, people, we used to have a pedophile who lived our street and some guy who shot porn films in his home every weekend, so a pile of mulch in the road is a WELCOME change to what we usually have going on down here in our neck of the woods.

4. Technology. The Hubs is really awesome at keeping us up to date with our technology. He makes us super duper efficient and I can do everything I need to from the comfort of my sofa. That being said, the MAKERS of this shite really suck. We hit about the 3-5 year mark with any one item and all of a sudden it's kaput. (In two short weeks we've bought a new desktop computer and a new external hard drive.) OR if it doesn't break, then everything changes and suddenly the devices/phones/etc. we have are now obsolete and we need new ones even though the ones we have work perfectly fine. So flipping frustrating!

5. I would NEVER punch my kid - but seriously the crap he comes up with at bedtime really irks me. Every night he is overcome with phantom pains - a foot that hurts, an ear that throbs, his throat tickles, his eyes won't stay shut. It's just ridiculous. He just stuck his head out the door to tell me he has a tooth that is loose and it's keeping him from sleeping. I know a way to get that tooth out...

Weekly Wrap Up 2.10.12

2012-02-10T10:09:00.000-06:00

What a week this has been! Lots of firsts. The first time I was featured on Huffington Post (front page nonetheless). Huffington Post approached me back when the Elf went crazy and we've been trying to get together ever since. My "voice" didn't come through as much as I'd like (but that's what happens when you agree to let someone as big as HuffPost use your stuff) and their readers didn't realize the piece was supposed to be funny. But who cares? It was still a big deal to me and I want to thank you so much to everyone who shared the HuffPost piece and those who logged on over there to defend me! You guys are the best!

Another first was the Hubs guest post. It was sort of funny. Needless to say, I won't give him free reign again. He abused my goodwill. I haven't finished my response yet. I'm debating between a scorched earth approach or just shame him into silence.

Most Read Posts This Week:

People Who Complain They're Busy, But They're Busy With Stupid Stuff - I'm too busy to explain this one, just read it. But remember, this is about ALL busy people who complain - not SAHMs, or anyone else. Don't think I'm bashing SAHMs, because I'm not. I'm bashing ALL busy people who complain they're busy with stupid stuff. I don't care if you're busy - be busy - just don't complain about it. If you complain, then I have issue with you.

Top 10 Reasons to "Love Me" or "Get With Me" - by the Hubs. The Hubs is awfully proud of himself because this one made the list and he just published it yesterday. He's also walking around with an enormous head because so many of you told him how funny he is. You've created a monster. Seriously, thanks for supporting him, now he knows why I walk around everyday with my ginormous head. I'm working on a response to his list - can't let him have the last word.

Crappy Field Trips - This was a repost from last spring when my kid went to Home Depot. We didn't get cute aprons or get to make a bird house. THAT would have actually been fun! Instead we got to watch a man with a giant saw and hear about the tile and carpet specials.

How I Met the Hubs - The true story of our first unofficial date. I read it again tonight and I'm still amazed I met him for dinner. Unbelievable.

Rules for Parents of Daughters - Still hanging on. Girls rule (even the sluts)!

Favorite Comments of the Week (and my responses):

9 y/o dtr: Mom if we breed our pomeranian to a shihtzu will the puppies be ShitPoms? Mom I don't want you to lose too much weight cuz then if I smack your butt it won't jiggle all over the place. on Sh*t Kids Say

Sorry Jen, I just don't have time to "Like", "Email", "Share" or "Blog" this. on People Who Complain They're Busy

Sort of off topic but along the same lines.... I had to have emergency surgery after I gave birth to my 1st child. Since a) I had been pregnant and unable to see my "China" for a few months and b) it was winter in New York, things were a little overgrown. The anesthesiologist after administering my spinal went and sat on a stool by my feet and I guess he had a front row seat to the show. He turned to the nurse and said, "As a side business we should offer waxing, think of the money we could make." Had I not been numb from the waist down with my feet in stirrups I would have jumped up and not only punched him in the throat but I would have kicked him in the teeth too just to make sure he got the point. on The Place That Waxed My Eyebrows Today

I think even worse are some of my child-less friends on facebook (because that's THE place to say how busy you are, right?). "Busy day today. Clean the kitchen, do a load of wash, nail appt at 11am, lunch with my parents and then off to the dentist for my husband's appt" Really, you have so much free time that you accompany your grown husband to his appointments?! As a full-time working mom of 2 young kids, I really had to hold myself back on replying to that. on People Who Complain They're Busy
I know exactly what you mean! I completely forgot about those asshats. I know a couple just like that. That is definitely a post of its own.

I was in 5th grade during a bad budget moment back in the 80's, and all field trips were to places where we could walk. There's not much in Burkettsville, OH, but there is this: www.werlingandsons.com. Yes, they took us to a slaughterhouse, and we watched as they brought the steer in, killed it, and hung it to drain. Because we were all farm kids, we didn't think anything of it, but I look back in horror. Only one kid refused to watch, and she got made fun of. on Crappy Field Trips
You guys were hardcore. That must be how country kids bully someone.

That's nothing! I have you all beat! The backwoods country county school system I was forced to student teach in was doing a "life cycle" unit and the genius teachers planned the following field trip ( for 3rd graders): First Stop: Local Funeral Home, where the highlights were seeing a bed where the dead bodies can be laid & letting the children see the the mini kiddy coffins. Second Stop: Local Cemetery, where the children, if not already disturbed from our first stop, mostly ran around gravestone and cried. Last and final stop of the day: Local Sewage Treatment Plant, "This is what happens when you flush the toilet children" The highlight for the kids was seeing the fecal matter removed from the water source and sent up a conveyer belt. I WISH I was kidding, you can't make stuff like this up! on Crappy Field Trips

You win, but the slaughterhouse sounded fun too maybe you guys should add that next time.

I officially met my husband at a funeral...that one gets a lot of looks! on How I Met the Hubs

My first date with my husband was set up by a mutual friend who told him "Amy'll do you" I didn't that night, but we've been together for 18 years this year. That's one I don't think I'll tell the kid! on How I Met the Hubs

I love this story... and fyi, it's a true love story which makes it TOTALLY romantic! and yes, I cried!
My husband and I were already married when AOL was born and we chatted in our home-town rooms often. We reconnected with local people we'd lost touch with and we met lots of new people from "Town Square". We had family barbecues, picnics, etc with these people. Our friends and family who weren't online yet thought it was ONLY sexual and perverted if you were meeting from online. My screen-name ended with 1s2play, so like you, I was bombarded and didn't know why. (being online was so entertaining, I called it playing online. Still do actually, but I get the joke now.) Thanks for the fun and loving story! <3 on How I Met the Hubs
You did not cry! It took me probably 5 times saying your screen name out lout before I got it. See? I'm just not good with that stuff. "One....esss....two.....play. Huh?"

You crack me up! Loved it!! Oh, and overalls were "cool" back then, I kept mine in case they make a come back, or if i'm ever than skinny again. *sigh* Keep 'em coming Jen! on How I Met the Hubs
Overalls were like totally cool. Totally. I wore them again when I was pregnant - they were the only pants I could keep up at the end.

Give it up, Jen. Look at it this way, sex is like oranges. Wait. What? That's right, sex is like oranges. You look at that fruit sitting there in that bowl and you think to yourself, "Oh, I should really have an orange. It's good for me. I know I like it. I will enjoy eating that orange. But ohhhh, I don't have time to sit and peel it. And then the clean-up! Throwing away the peels, washing my hands. I just don't feel like dealing with it." But then. Then you go ahead and you eat that orange. And you're like "God DAMN that was good. I'm going to eat an orange every day from now on." Next day, you look at that bowl of fruit and you're like, "I know I SHOULD...." on Top 10 Reasons to "Love Me" or "Get With Me"
I read this a few times trying to get the analogy that everyone was responding to and then I realized - I hate oranges! Can you do this again, but with watermelon? I love watermelon.

I was naked by #3.... on Top 10 Reasons to "Love Me" or "Get With Me"
The Hubs head just exploded. Can I please tell him you're a 65 year old grandmother with an animal hoarders addiction?

No matter how much you "get with him" he will keep asking for more "get togethers" or other variations of said "getting with" ;-) Even when I get with mine ever single day he still wants more so I scaled back to every other or every third day now and again to make him realize just how good our "getting together" schedule is;-) on Top 10 Reasons to "Love Me" or "Get With Me"

"Every single day"??? Do not let the Hubs see this!

Tame that jungle girlfriend!!!! Men may like Star Wars but they don't want to visit the Dagobah System when having sexy time with the wife. ;-) on Top 10 Reasons to "Love Me" or "Get With Me"
But on our first date he told me Ewoks were his favorite characters!

5 minutes??? What is it, Christmas? More like 1.5! I say do it, just make that you "enjoy" your "love". on Top 10 Reasons to "Love Me" or "Get With Me"