Reckless Abandon

2009-11-13T12:07:00.000-08:00

This is officially the most boring house i have ever lived in.
Even my mother and her boyfriend are a million times more entertaining and interesting than these people.
Why the hell am i here?!
I honestly cannot listen to them anymore. They are so friggin egotistical. With no reason to be so.
ARGHHHHHHH

Rant over.
This evening aside, today has been very productive =)
I'm going to talk to Alex and watch across the universe =D

2009-11-11T07:08:00.001-08:00

I have realised, just now, that if I was in sixth form again and had to pick my uni course again, I would do exactly the same one.
This makes me very happy.
And reassures me that at least I'm on the right track.

=)

2009-11-09T12:15:00.000-08:00

Alex = My Life

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not; obviously, for the mean time, it's a very good thing - so I'm smiling. Had an ACE weekend with him =) Also, saw an amazzzzzzing film called An Education; screenplay was by Nick Hornby so was always going to be good! It was about a seventeen year old year who started seeing an older man, and questioning the whole idea of life without excitment - I loved it. Although, for reasons unknown, I thought the drive home would be an opportune moment to recite my 'older guy story' to Alex. In retrospect, it probably wasn't. One day I will learn to keep my stories to myself. Anyways, back on track; awesome weekend, awesome ballet, awesome film. I just want to cry whenever he leaves to go home. I am pathetic.

In other news, I had a minor panic attack yesterday (in regards to uni, getting a job, general lack of exciting things etc) and didn't actually know what else to do. My arm is not looking good. I haven't for ages. I'd forgotten how good it was. I've given up on it for the most part but sometimes reverting back to old habits, even the most destructive of old habits, is the only thing I know. That aside, nothing has changed, I still feel I have no direction in life, but at least I know that, no matter how out of control things get, I can still make exciting things happen. I hope.

Todays exciting things - I have custard, noodles, hair dye and train tickets. Tis clearly all about the little things at the moment!

Not so absurd

2009-11-04T12:58:00.000-08:00

Tonight is definately happier than last night! I've realised I'm not shit at uni. I'm actually quite good at uni. Just not as good as I am at throwing up. But my essay is going well today, so all is good. My Research Project however, is not so great. But it will be =)

Alex is coming in a few days eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!!!! I love that boy way too much than can be healthy.

Absurdity

2009-11-03T14:36:00.000-08:00

I'm being sick again; on a more than regular basis. And the stupid thing is that the only reason I'm doing it is because I feel like it's something I'm good at. I am currently realising that I am shit at uni, that I'll be pretty lucky to get a 2:1, and as uni is my entire life at the moment, throwing up is the only other thing I have. The only thing that I feel I can be the best.
My new aim for this year is to lose a stone and a half.

2009-10-26T16:53:00.001-07:00

My mind is in over drive deciding what I want, or maybe more accurately, what I can do, next year...

It's stressing me out to the limit so I have decided to compile a list of everything I want to do in the next five years;

I want to travel. A lot. I want to go to India, I want to go to Australia. I want to live abroad again, for at least six months. I want to volunteer. I want to teach English in Japan. I want to do my TEFL course so I can.

I want to learn more. I want to read more.

I want a job. I don't care what it is, as long as it's full time and will allow me to save up some money.

I want to spend time at 'home' again, with my friends, for more than a month.

I want to be with Alex, more than anything.

I want a family. A proper family. With Alex.

I want a real life.

Uni is my everything

2009-10-05T16:03:00.000-07:00

I realise it has been awhile, but in the past two weeks i haven't had time to breathe (and the only reason i am blogging now is in search of a procrastination that is slightly more productive than facebook.)

I have been back in Swansea for two weeks, during which i have been up and down and all over the place, slightly more sociable than usual and slightly more contradictory than i care for. Things with Alex are going well, despite the lack of, well, him. He's coming down on friday for the weekend and i honestly don't want to do anything else except lie in bed and chat. I am starting to worry howvever that when he does arrive i wont be able to swtich off, to disengage from uni, and relax. I have realised, just now actually as i am typing this, that one of my major flaws in getting too "into" something. Everything i do i want to go all out, i want to give it my everything, and i'm starting to realise that maybe it isn't possible to have a balanced life this way. At the moment uni is everything; it's the reason i get up in the morning, quite literally. It's the only thing i focus on. The reason i am happy. The reason i am sad. The reason i don't sleep at night. I don't sense this is good....

General feeling on everything; mediocre/slightly positive.

2009-09-01T16:14:00.000-07:00

I want to be a teenage rebel.
I'm watching thirteen on my own, in a state of emotional unstableness and i don't want to live my life like it is anymore. i'm sick of uni. i'm sick of people. i want to cut and take lots of drugs and feel something exciting again.

i guess one out of two isn't bad for an evening.

They've clipped my wings again
Tore them apart and then left me
No use to fly away to my yesterday of freedom
My eyes died back that day
Seeing the hurt I may have done
Beat my instead of them
Pain is my only zen
Of fun

I'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by

So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song
Blood on my hands to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
There is no right to heal the wrong
Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think i even want to try

You still can't make me cry
You've pinned this butterfly down
My fire's burning out
Kill my flame without a frown
And starving hurts the soul
When you're hungry fors ome love
So if I close my eyes
I can really fly
Above

I'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by

So hurting here is where I belong dreaming a song
Blood on my hands to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
There is no right to heal the wrong
Soup's on hot feelin' like a do or die
I can't throw up don't think I even want to try....

Realisations

2009-08-06T03:54:00.000-07:00

number 1. My mother is trying, not succeeding all too well, but trying nonetheless.
number 2. Nothing will ever be as satisfying as that feeling you get when you've just thrown up. I don't think this bodes well for me.
number 3. Alex does care. Probably more than anyone else. Definately more than any other guy I've ever been with. I need to appreciate him more. It's just easier when I convince myself that he doesn't. I worry myself sometime.
number 4. There is too much to read and too little time; note to self, must read faster.
number 5. I actually really enjoy my job at the pub, and despite anyones expectations, I would be quite happy working there full time.
number 6. I need to stop spending my life thinking about the next place I'm moving to. I don't feel like I have a home, or belong anywhere anymore, and I'm not sure what happens to those people who never settle in one place for a while...

Passion

2009-07-29T04:22:00.000-07:00

It hurts, sometimes more than we can bear.
If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace.
But we would be hollow.
Empty rooms.
Shuttered and dark.
Without passion we'd truly be dead.

Hollywood Undead's thoughts for the day!

2009-07-17T03:57:00.001-07:00

I see the children in the rain
Like the parade before the pain
I see the love I see the hate
I see this world that we can make
I see the life I see the sky
Give it all to see you fly
Yes we wave this flag of hatred
But you`re the ones who made it
Watch the beauty of all our lives
Passing right before my eyes
I hear the hate in all your words
All the words to make us hurt.
We get so sick we`re so sick
We never wanted all this
Medication for the kids with no reason to live.

So we march to the drums of the damned as we come
Watch it burn in the sun
We are numb

We are young
But we have heart
Born in this world as it all falls apart
We are strong
But we don`t belong
Born in this world as it all falls apart

two songs...

2009-07-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

Tonight I've been to see the new Harry Potter movie, been to Daniel's gig (avec social awkwardness in drunken encounters with old A-level biology teachers) and been to the pub; that aside these two songs pretty much sum up the entirety of my thoughts for the previous twenty four hours...

----------

You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience

You're the best listener that I've ever met
You're my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long

I've never felt this healthy before
I've never wanted something rational
I am aware now

You've already won me over in spite of me
And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet
Don't be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn't help it
It's all your fault

----------

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit tonight...

Home Sweet Home =/

2009-07-15T07:55:00.001-07:00

SO i have been home for over two weeks now; the beginnings of which were really nice and it was amazing to see people again. I realised I missed the girlies insane amounts and the reasons they are three of the most important people in my life were confirmed. (which is always nice!) Stuff outside the house is actually awesome, and I'm having a really good time, I just can't deal with living with my mum. We are both well aware that it isn't my home anymore, that I don't feel comfortable being here, that neither me nor Amy would be there if we had another option. No matter how much she says she misses us when we're away it is pretty clear that it's all in her head, or maybe she's trying to convince herself, that she'd rather we were just sporadic guests rather than permament residents. I am not ready for one of her "talks." I can actually honestly admit to myself that I am doing better than I have been doing in a long time. I still have my issues, and they're still tearing me apart, but generally I'm doing alot better. She'll never believe me, she'll never understand so ultimately there is not point in talking about it.

Things with Alex are ok. It just seems that for the most part I'm putting more effort into this relationship than he is. Which, I know from experience, is never a good position to be in. I think that maybe he's realising that in Carolina it was easy and no one had to make any effort, but now we're home and both have jobs, with conflicting shifts, that he's going to have to make more of an effort to see me. Maybe he isn't prepared to do that. I don't know, but when I move back to Swansea I'm not sure how long it will last. It makes me sad.

The one who never fails to make me excited about life...

2009-06-19T22:56:00.000-07:00

So I have spent the last week back in my favourite place in the world; the place I lived before I fell apart and ceased merely to exist, the place where my mum was happy, the place where I shared a room with Amelie, the place where I met one of my best friends.

PJ picked me up from the Greyhound station in Sacramento last week and I left Alex and the Shanks and that part of my trip to go and spend the week with one of my favourite people. Despite smoking more pot, so being SLIGHTLY less hyper, PJ hasn't changed, he rarely does, and I love him for it. He makes me re-evaluate my life, my goals, and what really matters. He has no "proper" job, no responsibilities, no adult life, or so to speak, and he is one of the happiest people I know. He doesn't comply to what society/his parents/the Western world expect, he doesn't feel the need to go to college to feel he is a success, he doesn't need a high paying job to be happy with life, he doesn't need money or social status to know he makes a difference. He takes pictures. Amazing pictures. Of amazing people. And amazing places. And he is my complete and utter inspiration.
All in all I had an incredible time, with an incredible person. Lots of laughing, drinking, drugs (mad shrooming by the lake was quite possibly one of the best days of my life), photographs, putting the world to rights and smiling more than I have in ages.

Alex and his friends picked me up a few days ago and we went to up stay in a log cabin in Tahoe City (cue, another awesome few days at the lake. Also, went to a wedding in Nevada with PJ et al, and met this guy who, when I told him I was going up to Tahoe with friends offered us the use of his cabin... for freeeee! Logan and Joel are awesome!)

I'm currently sitting in a hotel room with the guys after spending the day in Yosemite; amazing views, car trouble and an insanely moody Alex called for a very interesting day. I wanted to rant loads about this earlier but I really have lost the energy for it. Plus I can't really construct sentances in a way which accurately conveys myself at the moment, everything I write just seems wrong.. I'll try later..

Sleepless in Seattle

2009-06-05T03:28:00.001-07:00

It is still the same night, I still feel like shit, I still can't sleep (just for a change.)

Tonight is the first night since we set off, about a month ago, that I have been on my own; had me time, to get my head together. I am having an amazing time, for the most part, but it's really hard being surrounded by people 24/7, I can't cut, I can't be sick, I feel like I can't even get angry or cry or show any emotion other than smiley happy lalalala...cue manic. I don't think I expected it to be any differnt to be honest, being around people, any people, even Amelie, every minute of everyday would drive anyone insane.

Tonight is not actually that bad; I'm clearly dramatising for the mere fact that I may not get five minutes on my own for the next few weeks therefore I feel I should make the most of this one and get everything out now. I never claimed to be logical.

I have one week left travelling, then I'm headed to PJ's. To my favourite place in the world, with one of my best friends in the world, the one who never fails to make me excited about life. I blatantly have nothing to complain about.

I am merely going to let the fact that I have, quite literally, no money (in that I am borrowing from Alex) pass me by, without worrying and getting sad. Watch this space...

On the Road...

2009-06-05T03:14:00.001-07:00

I actually wrote this about a month ago, pretty much during the first couple of days after setting off on our "up the east, across the top and down the west" American road trip. It in now way signifies how i feel at this moment in time because to be quite frank i feel pretty shit, but i was having a happy moment at the time...

I was actually quite surprised at my reactions to leaving South Carolina. I felt sad, nostalgic, like I was leaving something behind. The entire time I have been there I guess it never quite felt like home, I never felt a real attachment to the place, or to anyone I associate it with. Apparently, I am rather unaware of the extent of my own existence.

The last day in Columbia was hectic; full of exams, packing and general chaos. There were too many people to say goodbye to, too many people that, until that moment, I don’t think I really appreciated, too much to sort out, too much to clean, too much of, for the fifth time in my life, packing everything I own into a suitcase. When we finally got on the road I felt freer than I have ever felt in my life, everything, all the work for exams, the notion that I have no money, my general stressing over everything seemed, unimportant and I realised that I have the next two months to enjoy myself, to read, to think, to appreciate my life, to appreciate the world. My exam results were fine, I even got a B+ in English =) and got an average GPA of 3.68 for the year which I guess is ok. (And in my quest to become accustomed to just doing OK at things, I am happy with my grades.)

We left South Quad after emotional goodbyes, some people will remain a big part of my life, some people I’ll see again from time to time, most likely in Leeds, some people I’ll see on route, some people probably never again. They’ll just be people who played a cameo in my life for a while, as I did in theirs, and I am once again comforted by the fact that, despite distance and time, and often limited contact, the people that mean the most to me are still a big part of my life. Leaving in the van for Washington DC I had planned on reading and reading, and reading some more. Instead I spent the first five hours in the van singing along to a variety of pop punk and for the first time in a very long time, relaxing, thinking about how I am so glad I’m alive and how I don’t think I have ever looked forward to anything as much as I am the next few months.

My none-reading phase didn’t last very long. In the past few days I have finished 1984 (which was amazing, embodied everything, most things, I consider important and I don’t understand why I have never read it before.), read the entirety of Wasted: A memoir of anorexia and bulimia (the best book I have read in the past few years; manic, intense, beautiful.) and I am now reading a book about Kofi Annan (which I am so far undecided about.) I am enjoying reading again, really enjoying it, like I used to when I was younger, when I could read and not feel guilty that I should be using my time more productively, reading some more relevant to my degree, something more intellectually stimulating. I love the freedom of having nothing I need to do, nowhere I need to be.

The first step along the road was Washington D.C., where we stayed an extra few days as there was so much to do (and everything was free.) The most political city I have ever been in, I love it. I love the momuments, the museums, the excess of water features, everything! The WWII monument was by far my favourite, and the only one I have never visited before. The last time I went to D.C. was with my mum and sister on route to California, I loved it then, but I definitely think I appreciate it more this time; I understand more, about the politics, the wars and conflicts behind the memorials, its whole significance. (And I satisfied my inner history geek at the American History Museum!) We stayed outside DC in Maryland, in a motel room with seven of us squashed in, it was awesome and everything that a road trip should be. We BBQ-ed in the Motel 6 carpark, Johnny and Christof played guitar while we made plans and I ate a box of corn cops and an airhead (I am off meat again.)

I’m currently sitting in another hotel room ($10 a night again, happy days moneywise!) just outside Pennsylvania, after calling through Baltimore for The Wire obsessive’s that are Alex and Hooseman. We drove up this morning and I spent the afternoon sitting in the sun, reading, throwing a football and generally appreciating life without pressure, without hassle, without any expectations, any deadlines and with too many books.

=)

2009-05-05T15:36:00.000-07:00

I think I am actually happy with things. It's strange how a day at the beach with friends, the sun and wine can help change my perspective on things. I'm leaving South Carolina in two days, which I'm pretty happy about; looking forward to a "normal" existance again, out of this bubble. Amazingly excited about travelling; I have the next seven weeks to do nothing but see new places and have an awesome time. I'm flying home from San Francisco at the end of June and am genuinely really happy about it. Am not genuinely happy about the amount of packing/sorting everything out/cleaning I have to do before Thursday!

I have also realised that by American Univeristy standards, I am a genius! ha... I think it's going to be a bit of a shock going home and having to try to get good grades. I already have two A's this semester for classes that were 300 and 400 level and took pretty much no effort on my part. They just give away grades, the whole system is ridiculous.
It's also quite scary that, if I hadn't done a year abroad, I should be graduating next month! Extremely glad I have an extra year!

I'm listening to Bowling for Soup; cue, blatantly not mature enough to graduate yet!
=)

The holocaust, non-existant politics classes and 1984

2009-04-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

My politics class has diminished from my life very quickly; today was my last one and instead I spent it feeling sorry at my self, getting angry at myself, listening to metric, going to food lion and burning my arms. Not the most successful few hours.

Furthering political matters.... The Iranian President, whose name I won't even begin to pronouce (yes, I am a shame to my degree) denied the Holocaust, at an anti-racist conference. I don't have much to say on this, I can't really comprehend the mentality, but it is fucking SCARY. I'm becoming increasingly sceptical about the entire existance of society; mine, yours and everyone elses.... I'm currently reading 1984. Cue, i fucking love it! It highlights everything that is wrong with the world, with power systems, with people. It questions existance and the status quo; everyone should question it, false consciousness is one of the things that scares me most, I should question it.

Maybe I'm not "politically sophisticated" enough to do what I want, to change things, even for just one person....

There is...

2009-04-20T16:54:00.000-07:00

Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight?
Will you think of me?
Will I shake this off?
Pretend it's all ok?
That there's someone out there who feels just like me?

There is.

things in excess

2009-04-20T16:52:00.000-07:00

too much food.
too much work.
too much facebook.
too much diet coke.
too much sitting on the couch doing nothing.

two more weeks....

interesting

2009-04-19T16:35:00.000-07:00

"Bear in mind, people with eating dissorders tend to be both competitive and intelligent. We are incredibly perfectionistic. We often excel in school,athletics,artistic pursuits. We also tend to quit without warning. Refuse to go to school,drop out,quit jobs,leave lovers,move,lose all our money. We get sick of being impressive. Rather,we tire of having to seem impressive. As a rule,most of us never really believed we were any good in the first place." — Marya Hornbacher

2009-04-16T10:25:00.001-07:00

and I wanna believe you, when you tell me that it'll be ok.....

more plans...

2009-04-16T09:22:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling better about everything in general today.
I'm going to quit worrying about things that aren't in the immediate future.
I'm going to get my uni work done, and not stress if I get less than 95%.
I'm going to learn to accept being just ok at things.
I'm going to try.

Plans! (or lack of them...)

2009-04-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

My life consists of nothing but essays at the moment. So it's safe to assume it's not all fun and games. I think not going back in September will actually be a good thing, I have spent the last God knows how many years writing essays and taking exams and I don't think that can be good for anyone. I still haven't firmly made my mind up either way but leaning towards suspending my studies for a year. I'm not going to definately make a decision until August. Alex really wants me to go back, his only reasoning seeming to be that he thinks if I don't go back in September then I'll never go back, which to be honest isn't much of a reason. I will go back. I know that I will. He offered to lend me money so that I could get through the year, I don't think he realises that even if I had money to get through the year I'd still have to find some means of staying afloat after I graduate. Basically, if I want to even consider going straight back to Swansea to finish my final year, there is no way in hell I can go travelling in the summer. And for once, I'm doing something that I want to do, and everything else, including my degree, can take a backseat. Any road, I think some time out could be good for me, and most definately good for my bank balance. =) If I take a year out this year, finish at Swansea the year after, then take another year out to get some money for my Masters, then go do that the year after that...Phew... But at least I'll be done by the time I'm 25, maybe... Then I can go and save the world. Good plan.

Girl, Interrupted

2009-04-13T18:30:00.000-07:00

Self-injury (SI), self-harm (SH) or deliberate self-harm (DSH) is deliberate infliction of tissue damage or alteration to oneself without suicidal intent.

courtesy of wiki... I know this was supposed to be my optimistic, new outlook on life blog, but I think I may have been a little too ambitious. I'm not sure if I thought that I genuinely could change in the space of a week just by writing about more positive aspects of my life, I'm well aware of how deluded that sounds, or whether it was just wishful thinking. I'm going with the latter.

So blatantly some things aren't changing any time soon... and maybe that's a good thing. I cut today, then fell asleep on my bed, Alex came in and I think he thought I had tried to kill myself. It brought to light how little he understands my whole mentality in regards to cutting. Self harm doesn't necessarily mean I'm down about everything and pessimistic about life; it's just coping, it always has been, and for as far as I can see it probably always will be. I need it sometimes. Not often, just sometimes. Like Today. Times when i worry, when I get stressed and generally feel like I'm failing at life, when things don't go to plan and when I feel inadequate. And I feel better, I feel like I have meaning, like I'm actually doing something, like I can deal with the world again.

But I know what it's like to want to die.
How it hurts to smile.
How you try to fit in but you can't.
How you hurt yourself on the outside
to try to kill the thing on the inside.

I'm watching Girl, Interrupted.

My favourite film. Ever