Hostile Work Environment

Newtown, In Memoriam

2012-12-14T20:21:00.000-08:00

Is It Hard to Get Fired?

2012-03-11T03:27:00.002-07:00

Sometimes, the worse you are at your job the harder it is to let you go.

Having recently provided a probing analysis of why people get fired, I was haunted by another burning question. Each day, as I diluted my morning coffee with a dash of organic goat milk, I wondered: is it hard to get fired?

The short answer is, it can be. The long answer? Well, that's why you're here, isn't it? Gather round and get ready for some serious answering.

The History

Back in the good ol' days, when capitalism was just emerging, you could get fired at the flick of a wrist, a whip, or a gun. There were no laws protecting laborers, no unions, and no HR department. Mistreatment at work was part of the job description, and if you were mistreated you took it like the slave laborer you were. You complained to god and then died of one awful disease or another due to the unsanitary work conditions, the harsh treatment or simply from exhaustion. And if you were fired you died of starvation, surrounded by the corpses of your wife and your twelve malnourished children.

But even the uneducated working class had its limits, and soon it reached them. I won't bore you with the history of labor unions, but needless to say, they were formed. Soon came laws protecting workers from the whims of their overlords, and then other laws were piled on top of those laws. Those laws, of course, were tested, resulting in lawsuits and yet even more laws. What happened then, you ask? Well, it became harder for employers to exploit their employees and to fire them.

How Firing Works

Because there are labor, termination and discrimination laws in place, getting rid of an employee is a multi-step process. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen. It just takes more time and effort, and for a generation of people who are raised on text messages, tweets and instant internet search results, the term "multi-step" can be pretty intimidating.

Nevertheless, a certain procedure must be followed in order to fire someone to prevent a lawsuit and, worse, a bad reputation for the company. First, you have to identify the bad behavior. Now, unless the bad behavior warrants an immediate discharge, i.e. involves wholesale theft, beating the crap out of someone, attacking a customer, or deflowering the intern (and even then), you must take steps to try and correct it, documenting the attempts thoroughly.

This doesn't mean sitting down and telling Julie she shouldn't be late to work. It means establishing a consistent, ongoing pattern of offenses despite all attempts to correct the behavior over some time. It could take months. And then, if Julie suddenly starts showing up to work on time, but doesn't do much of it, then you have to shift your investigation to the new series of offenses. And so on.

Anyway, once you have documented beyond doubt that you have grounds for terminating an employee, and that the termination has absolutely nothing to do with racial, sexual, ethnic, religious or any other kind of bias, then you work with HR to take the steps to fire the individual. This painstakingly outlined process can be found explained in more detail here.

Other Complications

As you can see, dear reader, getting rid of an employee can be a real pain in the ass. And if this weren't enough, other complications come into play. For example, when a manager hires an employee who has a poor performance record ultimately it reflects badly on the manager. Just like when your kid does drugs in school, it's easy to feel like it's your fault. It can be hard to reprimand someone you trained. And the worse your behavior, the harder it is for the person who hired you to believe it, because it would mean admitting his or her own bad judgment.

Not to mention, once you make it past the initial probation period, during which a company tests whether it wants to invest thousands of dollars in you, it is hard to say goodbye to all those thousands of dollars spent on training you to do the job. I mean, if it took you six months to master the job and you get fired for taking extra long lunches then another six months is going to be lost training your replacement. That's why the dubious expression "Time is money" is used so frequently in the corporate world.

Getting rid of you also has an impact on those around you. What if you're the Marquis de La Fayette of the department? A charismatic, principled and noble figure who does none of his work, but manages to rally everyone behind your brilliant opposition to your boss's reign of terror through procrastination? Firing you could make your boss the enemy of his or her entire department. While this is already most likely the case, it is something the manager will nonetheless fret over.

Finally, let's not forget that the higher up you are in an organization, the harder it is to fire you. More money has been invested in you and, legally, it's more complicated than firing a mail clerk or a secretary because you've probably signed 100+ page contracts with various legal nuances. Most importantly, though, people in higher positions have more independence in their job functions and therefore less oversight. This is why politicians hold on to their jobs much longer than American auto workers.

Is It Hard To Get Fired?

In other words, more often than not, it is hard to get fired. Don't believe me? Check out this rather thin, though relatively persuasive article on punkrockhr.com about getting fired. For those who don't like punk rock, here's a more muted summary of the points raised above.

The crucial question is whether the legal evolution of the termination process is too extreme. Granted, a bad employee can seriously mess shit up, but ultimately it should be hard to fire someone. Managers, don't be upset. If you have a bad apple and you can't get rid of it, you can always plant a crack pipe in his desk drawer.

And employees, take advantage of the system and take the time to evaluate whether or not you want to keep up your bad performance. Getting fired is rarely a surprise, so if you think it's going to happen, weigh the pros and cons of keeping your job against the effort it will take to improve your performance.

Also, don't forget: sometimes, it's easy to think you screwed up and you deserve to get fired when you really fell victim to bad management or discrimination. The aforementioned laws exist for a reason. Become familiar with them and fight against wrongful termination. Here's an excellent resource to wrongful termination, and here is a breakdown of termination laws by state.

Not an American? The Jackal loves his international audience and just for them he's including the worldwide guide to termination laws. You live in Brazil and you're worried that staring at bikini-clad models on the internet may get you fired? Don't worry, I've got your back. And if you feel like you've been wrongfully terminated, here is a fantastic legal resource, regardless of your home state or country.

People will continue to get fired, like they will continue to get dumped, rejected, marginalized and alienated. It is a natural part of the eternal human social organization process and no laws will change that. Doors open and doors close mercilessly in the corporate world. Sometimes, rejection is justified. You learn and move on. And sometimes, you have to muster up the courage and fight.

Sometimes getting fired is too easy.

Why Do People Get Fired?

2012-03-03T00:56:00.000-08:00

Taking a dump on someone's desk is one way to part with your company.

At a time when hundreds of thousands of people are unemployed due to lay-offs, company bankruptcies and budget cuts, it only seemed natural to look at the the most common reasons the rest of us lose our jobs.

What are the top reasons people get fired?

To get at the answer I carefully mixed the hazed memories of my own experience and observation with some very dubious internet research. And, to be honest, the results were hardly shocking. I mean, some of this stuff is so obvious it's incredible people do it and get fired for it, but there it is.

Without further ado, and in no particular order, here are the Jackal's findings on the top reasons people get fired:

Not Showing Up On Time or at All

Let's start with a classic, absenteeism, one of the top reasons people get fired. It's like killing one tiny bird with like twelve stones. In not showing up you manage to not follow direction, show that you're unreliable, you have zero responsibility, you don't care about your contract, you're not really interested in the job, you're unproductive, you probably have a drinking problem and you have zero respect for your superiors. So, if you miss several days without explanation and don't get fired - hold on to that job with every fiber of your non-presence at it.

Poor Performance

Just like skipping work, doing it poorly will also get you fired. This includes a host of various subversive activity, including being lazy, doing everything your way with bad results, ignoring or completely misunderstanding your boss's requests, taking forever to complete even the most basic tasks while constantly complaining, and throwing out important pieces of paper that clutter your desk because you wanted a cleaner work-space.

Now, granted, many completely inept people inhabit today's corporate world, but in theory if you can't do the tasks you are hired to do your job is at risk. Of course, this raises another interesting point. Any manager who hires you for a position in which you are utterly useless, then the manager, whose job is to manage, also performs poorly. This is why managers sometimes find it hard to first a) believe a person they hired utterly sucks at the job and b) fire him or her. (This doesn't mean it won't happen, in case you got your hopes up.)

Lying on a Resume

Why won't it happen sometimes? Well, a hiring manager cannot be blamed entirely if you misrepresent yourself during the hiring process. While people are rarely completely honest when interviewing, telling your boss you got an MBA at Harvard (when it was really an online BS at DeVry) and you speak 3 languages (when one of them is broken English and the other two are Latin and Aramaic, and you're only conversational in them), is a dangerous game for the foolhardy. The bigger the lies, the larger the chance you will be caught. As a result, this is a sure path to getting fired.

Unethical Behavior

This is an interesting double-edged sword. On the surface, lying, cheating, stealing, swindling, conniving, and committing felonies are questionable behaviors that destroy your credibility as an employee and potentially legally endanger the company at large. In general, unethical behavior, especially if the company has been recently sued over it, is a big reason for getting fired.

On the other hand, the modern corporation doesn't have a problem with unethical behavior per se, as long as it isn't caught, and if so, then as long as it doesn't officially know about it, isn't jeopardized by it legally and it receives profit from it. However, if a scandal erupts, it will terminate the unethical employee and disavow all knowledge of his or her completely reprehensible behavior, which is and always was at odds with the company's values.

Drinking and Doing Drugs

This one is also surprisingly obvious. If your pets are named Johnnie Walker and Angel Dust, and your idea of making it through the post-lunch afternoon slump is doing a few keys of blow in the bathroom, washed down with a miniature bottle of Grey Goose then (at least you have some class and) you're pretty much screwed. Like driving, doing work while under influence generally ends badly. It reduces your productivity, impedes your performance, gives you a shitty attitude and makes you easy to fire.

Hating the World Around You

It goes without saying that having a bad attitude can cause frictions with the wrong kind of people that can bubble over and result in a nasty termination that will provide entertainment to your former co-workers for weeks to come. While your manager isn't likely to have a problem if you're an asshole to someone he or she hates, mistreating your co-workers or mouthing off to your boss equate to basically asking to be let go.

This can also take more nuanced forms, like calling attention to your boss's or the company's hypocrisies, or overtly criticizing a general lack of fairness in the office. First, many bosses are insecure, having only their questionable MBAs to fall back on, with little actual leadership experience or charisma. They don't take kindly to criticism.

Second, when you take a job at a corporation, you implicitly agree to some degree of corporate inequality and injustice. (Of course, knowing where to draw the line is what makes the difference between a whistle-blower and a dick).

Finally, nobody likes a Negative Nancy. Work can get stressful, but if you cannot manage your attitude you might find yourself getting fired.

Looking for Jobs on the Internet

This seems like a fairly obvious one and I know of at least one person who got canned for this. In a certain sense, it almost seemed like irony. But in another sense, I've always had a problem with this. Granted, employers want you to work while at work, but let's assume your work is done. Doesn't your company want you to grow as an employee and move on to bigger and better things eventually? I mean, what is inherently wrong with looking for jobs? Changing jobs is a fact of life. And, as a manager, if you think this means your employee is unhappy, then perhaps it's wise to investigate what the problem is, instead of firing his ass, and justifying his rebellion in the first place.

Conducting Personal Business at Work

I remember at one time, my co-worker in the cubicle next to me was Facebooking. The temp at the front was checking something on Youtube. Another employee was on the phone with someone who helps him run his other business. The guy in the office next door was booking a flight on AA.com. A department director was buying something online at Wal-Mart. My own boss? When she was not telling us that texting during work was unacceptable, she was either texting or doing her homework.

We all take breaks. Unless this behavior interferes with your work and is done in small doses, it shouldn't be an issue. The office is not some dome sealed off from civilization (though it can sure feel like it). We are people who have normal lives we carry with us everywhere we go, regardless of where we go. Also, a break from work can be healthy and help you concentrate. But, you can get fired for this, especially if it interferes with your job and if you make it glaringly obvious.

Spreading Rumors About the Company

Rumors, truths, and other stuff that you share about your company with third-parties endangers your job. That's why you sign those terrifying confidentiality agreements when you get hired. Why can you get fired for this? Well, it's like selling secrets to the Russians during the Cold War. Corporations are in a constant state of war with one another, and revealing their secrets or publicly undermining their self-built image undermines the place that employs you. You will get fired. Full disclosure: the place I always currently work at is awesome.

These are the top reasons people get fired. What do they have in common? To varying degrees, the above actions all subvert the daily machinery of a modern corporation. And, as in a physical body, when something is not right, the body will try to expel it. In the corporate world getting rid of you is an attempt to cleanse the atmosphere and remove from the giant machinery a faulty part that doesn't work.

In the midst of all of this, it's easy to forget that sometimes, getting fired isn't always a bad thing, at least according to this CBSNews.com article. You may end up on top. Still, if you do go, do it honorably instead of facing a lawsuit. If you're still unclear, there's this witty and generally entertaining summary of everything I've offered provided by Forbes.com. The writer emphasizes common sense, of which there is a shortage in this day and age.

Finally, remember: if you're a great employee, who performs well, boosts morale, presents himself well, and knows how to play the game of office politics, then the corporation is likely to turn a blind eye to your small indiscretions. The corporation wants to stay in business and make profit and you, well, you're only human.

Sometimes getting fired is your only real contribution to the company's success.

Friendship at Work - Oxymoron or Oxygenius?

2012-02-24T20:50:00.002-08:00

Should you make friends at work - a philosophical minefield.

Is it possible to find a friend in the cold corridors of a faceless corporation? Yes. Of course it is. What a stupid question.

But since we spend way too much at work it seemed like a good idea to take a look at the way human relationships unfold in the corporate world. I mean, who the hell are these people we cohabit the ruins of Western Civilization with 40+ hours a week? What kind of relations do we build with them?

Work Friendships - The Genesis

For many work is their primary social setting because of the amount of time we spend there. We are thrust together into an environment with people we may never otherwise call friends. But since we are social beings, and because this environment naturally binds us together, it can actually be easier to make friends at work than outside of work.

You know the drill. The computer is super slow today, so you turn to Katie in the cubicle over and tell her that the computer is slower than the women's rights movement. She smiles and vehemently agrees with you. Together, you start to complain about other things, including a lack of decent pens, the broken office furniture, inadequately low employee fridge temperature, your boss's dickishness, and other departments, which are always full of slower, dumber and lazier people than you, for whose mistakes you always end up paying.

Before you know it you and Katie are friends bound together by your day-to-day work. Soon, Jim joins in after perfectly articulating everyone's rabid hatred of occasionally working on Saturdays. Ella earns her membership by making a quick-witted crack about the CEO's bad leadership. Soon, you all start to disclose details about your personal lives. You meet up for drinks after work. You are best buds forever.

Or are you?

Tensions Within

Friendships built around work can be harder to maintain than ones forged with people who share similar interests and passions. A bond over a broken fax machine is weaker than one over a passion for fine wines, spelunking, or robbing banks.

What binds employees first is their work. Once that's removed, the mutual complaining and making fun of the system, these friendships can become strained if there's nothing more permanent to sustain them. In other words, friendships based on work tend to last as long as the work does, unless they can be bolstered by something else, like good looks, great personality, natural wit, and disarming charm. But, more importantly, work friendships can be affected by the peculiarities specific to the corporate world itself.

For instance, imagine your buddy Katie moves to one of the departments about which you used to complain. Her goals are now slightly at odds with yours, and you may be dependent on her to get your job done. Suddenly, though you still like her, you complain about her a little bit. She complains about you a little bit. You go out for a beer with Ella and Jim, and find her sipping a cocktail with Stella and Joe. You used to joke about Stella and Joe! And now she's one of them. And you suspect she makes more than you.

Then Jim suddenly disappears. You are told he is on a "leave of absence," from which he never returns. You text him and find out he's been fired for taking too many smoke breaks. You chat a little bit, but that soon fades as well.

Finally, you get promoted for something incredible that you've done and now you oversee Ella. You no longer go out for beers - you go to your boss's house for a cocktail party. And for some reason, Ella doesn't seem to be particularly happy for you, especially when you correct a memo she submitted to you. She regrets telling you about the secret online shopping she does at work, and you regret telling her you have a medical marijuana card. The times and secrets you shared are never mentioned again.

The Hazards of a Work Friendship

It goes without saying that work friendships can cause problems. Since we all sublimate our behavior to put on a work persona, extending your work friendships beyond work can have questionable consequences. For instance, what if your idea of fun is smoking some angel dust, shoving a handful of cow manure into a brown paper bag and lighting it on fire underneath a cop car? Everything's in good fun until someone comes over to work hungover, covered in cowshit, gets in trouble and rats you out to someone else. Can you afford to get close?

I guess the real question should be: do you have a Facebook account? While I will explore the notion of privacy in the workplace in another entry, it is worth noting that when your private and work lives clash the results may be hard to control.

Ultimately though, getting obsessive about this type of reasoning is dumb. A perfect example of this sort of thinking is this article on CNN.com entitled "Are Your Friends at Work Hurting Your Career?" People who think like that (or write articles like that) make bad friends in general.

In Defense of Work Friendships

While the expression "It's not personal, it's just business," gets tossed around the corporate world like a used, leaky condom to justify all sorts of unfriendly behavior, it doesn't make it true. It's like explaining a break up by saying "It's not you, it's me." Well, it is you as well, it isn't just business, and in the end it all hurts all the same.

After all, we're social beings, and "just business" doesn't come naturally to us, at least at first. The distinction between us as people vs. us as employees is more verbal than real. We are people first, and it's impossible for us to separate the two personas entirely.

This holds true for many bosses and managers. Many want to be liked and respected by their employees, especially since they tend to spend more time with their staff than they do with their co-managers. Also, their work friendships with other managers have the potential to be more lasting because they are generally more committed to their job, and their job life and personal life are more intertwined.

Of course, it is naive to think that business won't supersede personal attachments. That is part of the dehumanizing nature of the corporate world. People get fired, employees screw over their co-workers to get ahead, and bosses blame their mistakes on their employees.

Still, experts argue that workplace friendships raise morale and stave off the dread that attends everyday life in the corporation. And, ironically, work friendships are strongest when they're not based solely around work. So, with practice, you have to learn to navigate the tensions between the business and the personal. Here are some interesting tips from the experts at askmen.com. These men got some good ideas.

In the end, it's always a good impulse to make the work environment a little more human.

Having a few "work friends" is better than not having friends at all.

Dealing with Work-Related Depression

2012-02-11T19:00:00.000-08:00

If you find yourself sitting in a fetal position outside your work, you may want to re-evaluate things.

It could be the beginning of the year, your work-anniversary, your birthday, or a Monday - any day that signals a new beginning. But then again, it might as well be yet another day. Nothing is different, everything is just as pointless as it was before, and whatever new reserves of energy you acquired that gave you the strength to go on are already depleting faster than the ozone layer.

You, my friend, are suffering from work-related depression.

So what's next? Cash in your 401k and give it to some obscure charity in a random act of kindness? Cancel your health insurance policy? Find comfort in the paralyzing motionless of traffic and get lost in your thoughts? A final toast?

While these are all acceptable behaviors, because when suffering from work-related depression everything seems both acceptable and unacceptable, there are milder alternatives that may actually have a stronger impact on the issue at hand. But first...

What is work-related depression?

Depression is a state in which the veneer of meaning, which serves the evolutionary purpose of keeping you living, is stripped. You slowly start to perceive the chaos and utter meaninglessness of your everyday existence, which was previously masked. For whatever reason, the genetically built-in mechanism for sorting chaos into order and bestowing the world with meaning is malfunctioning. It's like that scene in "The Truman Show," where the light falls down.

The state is generally marked by a paralyzing feeling of emptiness. Common symptoms of work-related depression include:

Emotional distance
Ambivalence towards the weekly staff breakfast your boss and co-workers find thrilling, and other group events
A lack of any serious engagement in all work activity
In other words, a complete and utter lack of motivation
Fatigue and a reduced appetite
A general absence of emotional reaction, beyond a lingering sadness (you may even find jokes funny, but not be able to laugh at them because, well, what's the point?)
Frequent sighing
Answering "good" in a broken voice, when asked how you're doing
Saying "yes" to every request no matter how ridiculous or impossible (because it requires less effort than saying "no"), but hardly ever following through
Experiencing an incapacitating anxiety attack when you realize you misplaced your favorite pen
Very present fear stemming from the weight of an ominous, massive, uncompromising and uncertain future
Thinking more than usual
Loss of confidence and a feeling of being trapped

The symptoms share a common theme: a withdrawal from the rituals of daily life. Yes, you may continue to do work and interact with people, but more mechanically than before. You, yourself, become absent. The meaninglessness of your work fully reveals itself and makes it impossible to fully immerse yourself in it. And while depression gets frequently ennobled in art and literature, and while it can provide insights, it also makes it damn hard to accomplish anything.

When you arrive at the office, everything seems stark and grey. The printer, like your life, is broken again. The water cooler is half-empty. And probably unplugged, dispensing room-temperature water regardless of what knob you use.

Your boss's antics no longer carry any weight to them. His greeting is shallow and disinterested. And when he asks you to do a project on which the future of the company rests, you get to it, knowing the company is doomed anyway. We are all doomed, and you couldn't care less anyway.

The work you do is rote, repetitive and mindless. It has no higher purpose than to give you a small paycheck you end up blowing on food, shelter, payments to utility and other companies for services you're not even sure you've received, and fleeting entertainment like the latest Adam Sandler movie, which is like all the other Adam Sandler movies, or the bottle of booze, which is gone too quickly.

Your co-workers, whose company you usually enjoy, all seem like the same person, engaging in mindless chatter which drowns out anything of significance. There is Jim happily pointing out he is wearing the same shirt as you and while you would normally smile at the significance of this, it now seems like a meaningless accident - like the universe in which everyone might as well wear the same shirt.

Regina is excited about some promotion she got from clerk to almost-head clerk, but titles no longer mean anything to you. Even the CEO is prisoner to his biology, and will eventually expire like the food in the fridge in the employee lounge.

Then there's Fred, who's complaining again about some decade-old company policy that hasn't and won't change, no matter how much it sucks. But when you tell him that the entire enterprise is questionable, he walks away quickly, afraid someone may have overheard.

People gradually distance themselves from you. They start to sense that you are trying hard at small talk, instead of just making it. The effort, painfully apparent, makes you a poor conversation partner. Things spiral downwards. Now, even your medium soy non-fat chai latte has a particularly meaningless flavor.

When did it all go wrong?, you ask yourself. How did all this start?

Causes of Work-Related Depression

There are many reasons you can become depressed at work, not all of them directly related to your job. I've made a brief list here of some of them for your enjoyment:

Moral qualms - If you're a relatively good person, and your job involves screwing over other people, repossessing their earnings, complicating their lives (or taking them away), or doing anything else that may cause a moral conflict you are a likely candidate for work-related depression.
Hostile work environment - Nobody likes assholes. If you're surrounded by them 40 hours a week, you're bound to start questioning things.
Meaninglessness of the work - How to touch this one without mentioning Marx's theory of alienation? By calling it the Jackal's Hypothesis of Estrangement. In broad strokes, if your job involves doing a small part in some massive corporation, the impact of which is never made clear to you, it can begin to feel meaningless. It's hard to feel good when you dedicate most of your life to doing something that makes little sense to you. And then, some jobs are just naturally depressing.
You no longer love what you do - This sometimes happens. Even James Bond and Ethan Hunt must have had days when all they wanted to do was get behind a desk and type data into an Excel spreadsheet. We all change, and it is naive to expect that something that interested us at twenty will continue to fascinate us when we're fifty (though it does happen). And sometimes, we simply become bored - repetition breeds familiarity which creates boredom which gives rise to doubt. And doubt is the source of all depression.
Personal tragedy - Experiencing a personal tragedy can easily throw into question everything around you, including your job. As can any reminder of your own mortality.
You see a leaf getting trampled on - Nietzsche saw a horse getting whipped. Truman Burbank saw a light fall down. And for William Foster it was a fly buzzing in traffic. In life, there are small, seemingly innocuous events that manage to make us question everything around us. And when we see them, everything begins to unravel.
Genetic / biological - And finally, some of us are simply born on the wrong side of the bed. It's unfortunate and unfair, but those we're talking about are already aware of this.

This is a general list of various causes of possible work-related depression. But all laughter aside, depression carries major implications for the workplace.

This insightful study by Purdue University reports that one in five employees suffer from work-related depression. It estimates the financial costs at $30-44 billion, both due to work absenteeism due to depression, and to something called "presenteeism," namely being "present on the job but [having] significantly reduced productivity." It also goes into more detail on the subject of the causes of work-related depression.

So, now that you're more informed, how do you deal with it?

Dealing with Work-Related Depression

People react to depression differently. Some may become active in their depression and externalize the meaninglessness they feel through various drastic actions that underline their own purposelessness. This can naturally lead to self-destructive behaviors, like getting hammered, doing drugs, having promiscuous unprotected sex with multiple partners, fighting bare-handed with multiple opponents, or building a mountain out of your mashed potatoes. While others internalize it, becoming quiet, introverted, and absent.

The problem with getting over depression is that once the veneer of meaning is lifted, it is very hard to put it back up. It's sort of like walking in on your parents having sex. It's happened and it cannot un-happen. The word doesn't even exist. But of course that doesn't mean you won't grow up to be a thoughtful, intelligent and well-adjusted individual.

So what can you do?

Most people will tell you: get another job. That's much easier said than done, and the economy isn't helping. While resignation is certainly an option, it should be carefully thought-through and prepared-for. It's easy to do neither when depressed. Tim, an attorney from Missouri who dedicated a whole article to the issue of job depression, refers to this phenomenon as "Craving Closure."

This involves rash, behavior whose ultimate goal is to quit or get fired - you know, threatening your co-workers, breaking office equipment, refusing to do work by crossing your arms, sitting in the corner and saying "No!" firmly. Once again, the Jackal believes that sometimes quitting is the appropriate response, especially since life is too short and mental health too precious to endure a job that endangers both. Nevertheless, Tim's article is not only a great source of information on job depression, but also contains a solid list of work-related depression resources.

There are other alternatives:

Vacation - This article highlights a very basic strategy to alleviate depression. Sometimes, taking some time off and going on a trip to some exotic place can help de-stress and gain a different perspective on things. Conversely, it can also make you hate your job even more.
Keeping busy - Depressive thoughts fuel depression. As a result, one of the surest ways to alleviate it is to find something to take your mind off things. From knitting to fly-fishing, from hiking to joining a fight club, from reading books to painting caricatures of already funny looking people, hobbies are an essential part of life, and an essential part of maintaining your sanity.
Be active - This is an extension of the above point. If you are depressed, the Jackal begs you to find a physical activity you enjoy doing. Swim. Run. Work out. Fence. Learn judo. Climb rocks. Ski. Play lacrosse. Golf is not a sport.
Meditation - Yoga, zen meditation, and other forms of meditation have promising results in combating depression.
Counseling - In the olden days, people used to get together and talk. You know, have conversations about life and its various puzzles. Today, we have texting and counseling. I'm not going to shit on either and simply say that if you have health insurance, and it covers counseling, then don't be afraid to give it a shot. Sometimes, we just need to talk.
Eat healthy - We are what we eat, and we can either eat unhappy foods, or happy ones.
Drugs - You can also try drugs. Check if your insurance covers therapy and you may get a nifty prescription. For the longest time I couldn't figure out what the hell was going on with my boss, until I started receiving memos on stationary promoting Lexapro. And, come to think of it, she has been chirpier of late.

Here are two good sites that offer some additional tips for combating work-related depression. Although, I am not fond of the tip to literally "smell the flowers" offered in the first one. Not the tip so much, but the ridiculous writing.

Finally, it's easy to forget that work-related depression is not all bad. It can give you a distinct perspective on things, whose benefits should not be denigrated. Because stupid things that would normally drive you crazy lose their significance, you may end up feeling less bothered by them. And you may find other things that are truly meaningful.

So, if you get over depression, you might gain an interesting perspective on life. That alone might be enough to put a half-hearted smile on your face.

Even she smiled about something.

Dealing With Extra Work

2012-01-22T15:12:00.000-08:00

Time to learn how to say "no" to your boss.

It's 4:49pm, and in 11 minutes you have to brave traffic, pick up your kids from school, organize some kind of communal meal, visit your mother-in-law in the hospital to make sure the hip she broke while polishing the TV antenna on her roof is healing, go through the mail, pay your bills, dedicate 20 minutes to your secret online poker addiction on pogo.com, and read a few pages from the latest Stephen King novel about an evil door handle that makes people explode, before finally collapsing in bed.

But then you are suddenly interrupted by a call from your boss. Apprehensive, you walk over to her office and when you see her face you already know it's no good. Sure enough, there's a project that needs to get done ASAP. You glance at the clock pointedly, now showing 4:55pm, but she stares you down into submission. How do you say "no" in a situation like this?

Very easily. You walk back to your cube, you arrange for someone else to pick up your kids, and say "no" to your online poker, your evil door handle Stephen King book, and possibly your mother-in-law. Then you stay late, making a few measly hours in overtime which are going to be taxed to death anyway, and finish the project.

All too often we find ourselves busy with too many work assignments that we cannot realistically finish, simply because we are afraid to say "no." So, how do you go about saying "no" to your boss when your plate is already full? An article in The New York Times titled "When You're the Worker Who Can't Say No" deals precisely with this issue.

The Fear of Saying "No"

The article suggests that people will agree to these additional assignments simply because they don't want to let their boss down. Underneath that is an underlying fear of being perceived as an incompetent idiot who is not suited for the job and should be fired at the next available opportunity.

And the underlying fear underneath that underlying fear is to say "no" to a figure of authority. A boss has the psychological advantage of a title and a position, which place him or her higher than you on the corporate food chain. While both the title and the position are imaginary constructs, they have a psychological reality in their corporate context.

Of course, they exist for a reason: an organized business works more efficiently than a disorganized one. There is a chain of command, a chain of responsibility, and everyone on that chain has very specific roles to fulfill. However, the requests that come down the chain aren't always realistic and it is important to know when and how to say "no."

How to Say "No"

First of all, by accepting work you know you won't have time to finish you risk a bad performance review. Second, the assignment may not get done on time and who knows what kind of fit your boss will throw when that happens. Third, there may be other people who have less on their plates who are completely capable of helping you complete it.

The New York Times article suggests that you are candid with your boss, explain your workload and state why you don't think you can finish the extra assignment on time. Don't forget that your boss wears a different Rolex to work every day while you sport a shitty Timex because he or she is in charge of managing - you're not. It is his or her responsibility to find a way to get a project done.

As a result, by being honest you are informing the boss of a potential issue and helping him or her manage better. Though an informed boss is not always a good boss, it is always good to help one manage better.

If it's your personal life that is preventing you from staying after work, you can mention that without offering unnecessary details. If you do this sparingly with good cause, and you have a good performance record, then chances are your boss will be willing to work with you. And, if none of this works, it's always a good idea to ask for additional resources or help from other employees.

Ultimately, in situations like this it is best to be realistic and to be honest. Even if you still have to do the work, you might be able to reach a compromise, like extending the deadline, or giving another project to someone else. And a compromise is still better than the "Fuck off and die" approach, which should only be employed as a last resort.

Don't be afraid. You may end up less stressed, the project may actually get finished, and your boss may be grateful for your candor and feedback. And if it doesn't work, if you simply don't have the time and you've gone through the above steps, then it's ultimately your boss's fault.

No one should step between you and your online poker addiction, or the ending of that evil door knob Stephen King book. Also, a happy mother-in-law is always preferable to a happy boss.

Don't let this be you - the next step is diapers to prevent bathroom breaks.

The Most Depressing Jobs

2012-01-07T16:37:00.001-08:00

It can be exciting, but they don't call it "shell shock" for nothing.

First and foremost, happy New Year! After a lot of thinking, I decided that nothing would say "Bring on 2012!" better than a little entry on the most depressing jobs out there. You may think the Jackal has gone completely insane, but there's no better way to start a New Year than on a crappy note, because it only leaves room for improvement.

Some Really Depressing Jobs

As I was doing my relaxing, holiday internet reading I stumbled upon an article on health.com about the most depressing jobs. Fun reading. What are the results? They're not very surprising when you really look at them. Without further ado, health.com's ten most depressing jobs:

Nursing home / child-care workers
Food service people
Social workers
Doctors, nurses and other health care professionals
Arists, writers and entertainers (yes, that includes Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and yours truly)
Teachers
Administrative people like clerks, data entry folk, etc.
Maintenance workers
Accountants and other people in the financial advising industry (like some of those poor Wall Street guys)
And you, salespeople

So, according to health.com, anyone who is thinking about working in a field which involves helping people and working towards the betterment of our society should ask himself one question: is the happiness of others really worth my happiness? I mean, maybe the others are precisely the people working in these fields. So, maybe, if you want to help society so bad, you should persuade them to quit.

Also, the riches of the entertainment industry may be tempting, but the pitfalls of fame and fortune, and the attendant media troubles, as well as the proclivity towards depression among the "creative types" throw that whole thing out the window.

So what's left? Sales? If you're fine with immense pressure and complete existential disassociation, then go for it. Financial advising is great when the world's not in a global economic depression. Administrative work? Franz Kafka was a clerk. But then again, so was Albert Einstein. Both had some good ideas.

What would the Jackal add to the list, you ask? Well, regardless of the sector, I'd bet child workers tend to have some bad emotional episodes (and missing digits). So screw you, Nike. Soldiers, naturally. Talk to some vets, and you'll understand. It may be illegal in many places, but the world's oldest profession, prostitution, is down on the list in terms of both boss friendliness, job requirements and job satisfaction. I also tend to feel bad for those guys who wave glowsticks outside of parking lots to get you to park in there. And taxi drivers.

What Jobs Aren't That Depressing

If that isn't enough, and if the health.com article lacked some solid data, charts, graphs and what have you, here's this exciting little government report on the frequency of Major Depressive Episodes (MDEs) in various job sectors. It pretty much confirms everything above, and adds a few other items of its own. Community workers? Forget about it. Lawyers? Might as well end it now, brother.

But it looks like there's hope for architects, land surveyors, farmers, fishermen, construction workers (probably because physical injuries supersede the mental ones), and social science professionals.

Me, I'm a little more optimistic and broad-minded. I'd probably put money on anyone who is his or her own boss, has flexible hours, makes decent money and is passionate about what he or she does.

Also, let's not forget that some people absolutely love data entry. Just like some people absolutely love helping others. Just because they get depressed and contemplate crossing the median on the freeway on their way to work doesn't mean that their happy moments aren't more blissful than ours.

Finally, jobs are only a part of our life. If the other part of it is satisfying, then it can make even the shittiest job bearable.

Well, I hope you found this educational. If you don't work in any of these depressing fields, then you can feel at ease: others have it worse. And if you do, know that your daily existential emptiness is completely justified and validated.

There are always alternatives.

The "Fun" Oppression

2011-12-27T08:19:00.000-08:00

The clenched fist and raised arm are typical of a "happy" employee.

Across your typical fiscal year, how many pot-lucks, holiday parties, company morale-boosting meetings, birthday gatherings, Secret Santa gift exchanges, baby showers, engagement celebrations, and other fun team-building exercises do you have at the office?

How many inspirational emails do you receive from your CEO, whose frequent Mother Teresa and Gandhi quotes make you think you're going to end world hunger by sorting that Excel data sheet and shipping it off to some corporate wig?

Do you get stopped in the hallway, on your way to get that repressively foul cup of coffee from your hopelessly depressing employee lounge, and get told to smile more? Or worse, that your work is appreciated and that you matter?

This is precisely what hit my mind when I stumbled upon this The Economist article called "Down with fun." It is about the worst kind of fun: forced fun. It assails the growing "fun at work" culture, and at the same time notes that:

"While imposing ersatz fun on their employees, companies are battling against the real thing. Many force smokers to huddle outside like furtive criminals. Few allow their employees to drink at lunch time, let alone earlier in the day."

Yes, corporate fun doesn't tolerate any other kind of fun except its own. The article also makes an interesting little observation about Walmart's invasion of Germany:

"The merchants of fake fun have met some resistance. When Wal-Mart tried to impose alien rules on its German staff—such as compulsory smiling and a ban on affairs with co-workers—it touched off a guerrilla war that ended only when the supermarket chain announced it was pulling out of Germany in 2006."

You won't meet stronger resistance against compulsory joy than in Germany. The Germans find nothing amusing about being made to smile, while watching their sexy co-workers roam freely about the Walmart Superstore and not being able to engage in some solid German sex with them. Nothing could be more humiliating.

Walmart in Germany.

The problem with enforced fun is that it isn't organic, and therefore not real. And if it's not real, then it isn't fun. True joy, at the stark offices of a sterile-humored corporation, comes from poking fun at the environment with a saboteur's grin and a guerrilla's ruthlessness. It is not meant to be enjoyed by the powers that be. It is against being sanctioned. It is not meant to be shared with its superiors. In fact, it is not meant to be supervised.

If fun is anything, it is at its best either when it is unbridled, or reacting against its environment. It is meant to be spontaneous and/or natural, not pre-planned and penciled in between the Thursday 3 o'clock meeting and the 4pm Members of the Board human hunt.

Perhaps, instead of organizing morale-boosting "fun" activities, the corporation could ease the tight reins of totalitarian control they hold over their employees, allowing them some breathing room to have their own, personal fun.

Grant McCracken (with a last name like McCracken you don't need a PhD suffix to have authority on this subject) chimes in on the discussion in this The Harvard Business Review article: "I believe emotions are mostly a private matter and should not be controlled by the corporation." Indeed, "[o]ur culture cares increasingly about authenticity." That is precisely what corporate fun lacks - authenticity. He also argues that forced fun tames the diversity of personality at the workplace and engenders unnatural conformity.

Of course, we all know that there is a more fundamental problem at the root of all these corporate events, referenced in this The New York Times article: "[F]requent celebrations can also cause resentment, if employees are continually asked to make financial contributions or if parties interfere with work."

In terms of the latter part, yes, it blows when you gotta go have a drink with the dickish CEO instead of finishing the report he will rip your ass apart if you don't have on his desk the next morning. In terms of the former part, it's strict capitalism - we all resent spending money on things we are not emotionally vested in. If you hate paying for fixing a flat tire, imagine how you'll feel buying a gift for some stupid co-worker, who just had his sixth kid, and you still don't quite know exactly what he does at the company.

Worst of all, forced fun is just another attempt for the corporate world to try and bleed into your personal life. Decades ago, the modern corporation decided that instead of trying to coerce you to work, it would simply blur the line between your personal and professional identity. As a result, you inevitably started to feel like your very existence was part of and dependent upon the good will of the corporation. That is the Jackal's biggest objection to corporate fun.

So, if it's worth anything, I urge you to rebel every once in a while, and have some real fun at the corporate expense. Pull a prank, make an off-color joke, and send a rude email you'll regret later. Don't let them have your fun for you.

On that note, the Jackal wishes you some real fun and a kick-ass New Years!

Here's to an ethnically diverse group of successful men and women who enjoy coming together as a team to achieve common goals, yay!

What Kind of an Employee Am I?

2011-12-05T20:16:00.001-08:00

4 REVOLUTIONARY employees with

brass balls and some dynamite

Instead of hammering at you with wise reflections on the moral decay of the modern corporate world, the Jackal is going to give you some fun.

It's almost the end of the year, which for some people is a time of self-assessment, laying the foundations for those New Year's Resolutions they never keep. For others, it's just another reason to go shopping and get drunk on New Year's Eve, erasing the memories of the deeply troubled and traumatizing past. And yet for others, it's just a fun time. So, to go with the spirit of the third group, here are some fun surveys to help you determine what type of employee you are:

This one is a real winner. A tough, no-nonsense, gritty and unsparingly thorough beast, this survey dangles its fruit in front of you, and then throws 85 real bastards at you (101, if you count the additional questions). And after all that hard work and painful self-assessment, the rewards aren't amazing - you get a little paragraph and an offer to buy the full report.
If that one got you tired, here's a little breather. Eight simple questions, one satisfying answer. Enough said.
For the lazies out there, here's a fiver. What's nice about is the breakdown at the end. It gives you a little write-up it calculates based on your answers and then tells you what's good and bad about the type of an employee you are.
Here's one for the bosses. Appropriately, this survey doesn't let you click on your answers. Instead, you have to tally them up on a sheet of paper, add up the results and match them with the profiles at the bottom of the page. Just get one of your employees to do it for you.

So there you have it. Four fun surveys which, after asking you only a few basic questions, tell you exactly who you are, and what does and doesn't work about you. If the results depress you, grab a drink. The holidays are approaching!

all things considered, still not as bad as "The Decider"

Office Secret Santa

2011-12-02T22:51:00.001-08:00

We've all been there.

Where did the idea of Secret Santa come from? Well, the history of Secret Santa is as sordid as they get. The twisted hero of this bizarre tale is philanthropist and kind-hearted man, Larry Dean Stewart. Born in 1948, down on his luck, hungry and broke, he was given money for a meal. I warned you - this is disturbing, sick stuff. Anyway, so this Larry Dean Stewart, like in a typical Horatio Alger story, became rich and decided to "give back to the community." And so the Secret Santa idea was born.

I'll spare you the details, but if you want to find out more, you can find out more about Larry Dean Stewart's unbridled, obsessive gift-giving here. In fact, if you're extra-curious, here's a whole website dedicated to the Secret Santa World. However, if words ain't your thing, here's a good crudely-illustrated account of the whole thing.

Bottom line, little did Larry know that his good-willed idea would turn into the monstrosity that is the office Secret Santa gift exchange. But, as we all know, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Might as well move on, and figure out how to handle this awkward office tradition.

I would fail you, dear readers, if I did not provide you with some tips for preparing for the Secret Santa at work. So, without further ado, a few pointers:

1) Go for mid-range with the price. If everyone spends around $20, don't get Rufus the mail clerk a Rolex watch to make a statement. Conversely, if everyone spends around $20, don't get Cathy the secretary a bag of peanuts because she likes to snack occasionally. Usually, the gift price is established beforehand which should give your ideas direction. Obviously, if you work on Wall Street your Secret Santa gifts are going to be a little different than if you work as an office clerk at a non-profit organization.

2) Don't use Secret Santa to get laid or to get even. The central idea behind Secret Santa is anonymity. Everyone gets something they kind of like, but nothing too nice, god forbid. All social interaction in a corporation is supposed to be neutral. You don't want to piss someone off and risk a lawsuit. So, don't get sexy Candy a little lingerie. Conversely, don't get douchebag Rick a bag of coal. If you really don't like someone and no one will switch Secret Santas with you, then just get 'em an ugly scarf.

3) Don't use Secret Santa try to get a promotion. If Christmas is not about something, it's ass-licking. Also, getting your boss a really expensive gift to get ahead is the moral equivalent of bribery. And though the corporation doesn't care about morality because it has no fixed price, you do have to somehow sleep at night. So just don't do it.

4) Don't get your co-workers office gifts. It's not clever to get someone an automatic stapler. It's even less clever to get someone an electric pencil sharpener. Nice pens are still acceptable for some reason (even though god knows we type everything), but rulers, paper clips, sharpies, post-its, white-out, index cards, file folders, 24lb blue paper, stamp ink, invisible tape, cleaning wipes, 5/8" steel binders and toner cartridges are just a faux-pas.

5) And now for some good office gift ideas. Scarves generally work for some reason. Fine chocolates. If you know the person well, a bottle of booze might be the right thing. Gift certificates are always a hot item. Desk calendars. Finally, everyone always stays neutral over a nice pen.

Here are a few more tips from other sites. For instance, here's a write-up on Fox News. Shockingly, they advise against getting alcohol and they take everything way too seriously. But that's Fox News. Here's Esquire's take on the subject, which is slightly more promising - their first recommendation for a gift is buckyballs. They have some good suggestions (Ethiopian coffee) and some not-so-good ones (anti-theft reusable lunch bags), but overall you can get good info here.

If you have any other suggestions or ideas, post 'em!

Oh yeah. Don't get your co-workers mousetraps.

The Performance Review

2011-12-01T21:08:00.003-08:00

A typical performance review.

Since the dawn of time, from the aftermath of a battle to the post-coital musings in the bedroom, the performance review has always played a crucial role. Thanks to the process man, as a species, advanced and built his fragile civilizations, learning from his mistakes and learning how he can do things better.

Of course, in the business offices of a corporation, the ultimate goal of a performance review is to make your work more time and cost-efficient. If you save the company money, you get a little reimbursement called a raise. If you don't, you get a little kick in the nuts called a termination.

Here's how it goes down. Your manager, supervisor or boss sits you down in a cramped office and pulls out a lot of menacing-looking paperwork. You try to get comfortable in your seat, but if you do this will be the only comfort you feel until the review is over.

What is the purpose of the review? Why, it's to help you do better at work, of course. And to make a formal documentation of your progress or regress with respect to your specific job duties as groundwork for a possible promotion or eventual termination. It's to give you feedback. To find out in what areas you need additional training. To find out in what areas you excel. And to give legitimacy to your boss's position. After all, to manage is to try and improve, even if everything is fine. In the end, psychologically, it's meant to give your work a semblance of purpose (or lack thereof if your review sucks).

What criteria is used to rate your performance? Review criteria is usually laid out in your job description. Some of it is terribly simple. Do you show up to work on time, in a somewhat presentable manner, relatively sober? Do you manage not to explode when someone says your name or asks you for something? Do you, more or less, do your job? If the answer to these questions is yes, then you're on the right path. Check out this article for a more detailed look at performance review criteria. I've learned, for example, that your attitude actually matters. So try to exude more sunshine and less cloudiness.

How should you behave during your review? First of all, no self-respecting person working in some mammoth corporation should walk into a performance review unprepared, like a lamb to the slaughter. How do you prepare? Evaluate yourself on an ongoing basis and if you need to, document specific events you think might help your cause, like a particular project you worked on that saved the company from the brink of bankruptcy. Here's a very helpful guide to such preparation, and it includes nifty photos to ease the reading. Generally speaking, remember to be positive about your work and grateful for the feedback (no matter how completely off the mark and useless it may be). Gratitude is part of your attitude, referenced above.

What do you do if your performance review sucks? Everyone fears this: "How do I put this, Jim? Ever since you started working for us, two of your co-workers have gone on anti-depressants due to your negative outlook on life. One died in a hanging accident. You're always late, you hate your job, you've cost the company millions of dollars and just the other day I caught you crushing allergy medication, if I'm not mistaken, and snorting it off your desk. You keyed my car and you spray painted 'Revolution is the Opium of the Intellectuals' on the building. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Don't panic and keep your cool. If you think anything said is not true, you should address it, but you may need some time, and you may always request a meeting later. This is why preparation is important. Keep your notes. And try not to key your boss's car. You can find some additional good pointers here.

What do you do if it's great? Gloat. I mean, walk out of there with that mysterious smile that says "I did not eat shit; instead I soared, I soared like an eaglet finding the limitless potential of his strong, majestic wings." And also, make sure you ask or at least hint at a raise.

This covers the basics. To find out more, here's an excellent and very extremely laboriously thorough guide to performance reviews, which will answer any remaining questions you may have, including the meaning of life (see Section 5).

Of course, I would be remiss not to leave you with some afterthought. It comes from the Wall Street Journal - an interesting argument against performance reviews altogether. It's generally pretty angry, but it is written by a Ph.D., so the wrath is semi-righteous (or at least very academic). Bottom line, performance reviews are faulted for killing teamwork and destroying morale. Of course, if everyone is doing well, then there is really no reason why morale should be destroyed, and generally employees share a greater sense of solidarity with each other than with their boss, regardless of their reviews, but hey, who is the Jackal to argue with a professor?

There's always room for improvement.

How To Do a Business Lunch

2011-12-01T00:21:00.000-08:00

Work makes everyone thirsty.

You just got an invitation to lunch with your boss and some co-workers. You're not sure how to proceed. Your palms are sweaty. Your heart is palpitating. Your blood pressure is through the roof. You have no idea how to do a business lunch. Well, don't sweat it; the Jackal has your back. Here are some pointers for surviving a business lunch:

1) Choosing what you eat sets the mood for the entire lunch. As a very discriminating eater, here's what I recommend. Do not choose the most expensive thing on the menu. Go midway with the price, but bold with the flavor. Don't order the garden salad. Order the garden salad with a stick of dynamite in it. This immediately communicates confidence and fiscal responsibility. People will stare at you in awe.

2) Regardless of how your co-workers behave, regardless of their complete lack of table etiquette, be a paradigm of perfection when it comes to eating. To do a business lunch well is not to embarrass yourself. Your co-workers may suck up their mashed potatoes with a twisty straw, but you should stick to good manners. Just be careful not to come off as an elitist. If you go out for pizza and everyone eats with their hands, do not whip out the chopsticks.

3) NEVER, under any circumstances, ask for alcohol. I once agreed to booze when my boss offered. I thought why not. Here's why not. After her first glass of wine she went on a violent tirade about the meaninglessness of human relationships, loudly proclaiming that "love is a lie!" Then, after I tried to change topics to the food we were eating, she delivered a ten-minute monologue on how much weight she lost over the past few months. Needless to say, lunch got awkward.

3.5) Addendum: if everyone orders drinks, then order one too, but drink it slowly and don't finish it. Unless you work in Europe. They can handle their booze over there.

4) Keep the conversation light. Unless you are out to lunch specifically to discuss a promotion, a raise, or to beg for that office toilet you've been wanting, keep things casual. Don't break the ice by telling everyone why your last two marriages have failed, and that your ex-wife is a no-good whore. Don't ask everyone if they know who might be hiring. Don't suddenly feel compelled to confess your alcoholism, which is only a gateway for your deeply-rooted gambling addiction. Don't list all the reasons why you don't support the State of Israel. Just stay the hell away from religion and politics in general.

5) Don't play with your cell phone, or text kinky little texts to your girlfriend during lunch.

6) The rule of thumb is that whoever invites pays for it. But if it's the first time it's not a bad idea to make like you're going to grab your wallet. You run the risk of actually paying, but it's a nice gesture.

OK. Now you know exactly how to do a business lunch. If you want additional advice you may want to look at these helpful pages, which have a few more tips.

Congratulations! I'd say you're ready to go out there and kick some ruthless ass with your perfect business lunch etiquette.

National Boss' Day

2011-10-16T20:50:00.000-07:00

To get him presents

What the hell is National Boss' Day? This is a question I asked myself when my co-worker told me it's tomorrow, October 16th and that our boss, who's not the nicest person in the world, cares about it. My co-worker is planning to get her flowers and a card, and I am going to sign it under duress. Because...

What the hell is National Boss' Day? And does a poor boss deserve to be celebrated?

The answer is a clear "No" and it's an answer that applies across the board to most of today's corporate leaders who sport their MBAs, but have little clue on how to manage people, much less on how to interact with them.

But this is beside the point. What is National Boss' Day? Well, it turns out that a woman named Patricia Bays Haroski, is responsible for this questionable holiday. She forgot her boss's birthday and wanted to celebrate himself. This may seem insane to anyone, but here's the most crucial bit of info: the boss was her father. Four years after her proposal to the Chamber of Commerce, in 1962, the Illinois Governor (ah, Illinois, we have so much to thank you for), backed it.

We would have been better off if Patty remembered her pops' birthday. Or with a second Father's day instead. Nevertheless, it has since become the day on which employees thank their bosses for their kindness, good and just management, and the respect with which they treat their underlings.

Obviously, I wish I had never found out about this holiday. I wouldn't have signed any card, or gotten a gift, and just endured the additional resentment, like I do the rest of it: without knowing the reason behind it.

Bust since I do, I'll sign the card, and pay for half the flowers. In a corporate world real intentions don't matter. Most social interaction is just for show.

Thank you, kind bosses, for keeping us all in check.

The Perfect Boss

2011-03-12T17:32:00.000-08:00

Never judge a boss by his or her cover (or back of t-shirt).

During the Jackal's habitual morning ritual of perusing world news, I stumbled upon this little fascinating New York Times article about Google's study on bosses. I'll leave it to you, my faithful readers, to examine in detail on your own, but for those of you with the attention-span / memory of a goldfish, here's a basic summary.

These findings are unsurprising to the Jackal. It is obvious that when it comes to good bosses ability to manage matters more than technical knowledge and expertise (though those are extremely important, as well). And in order to manage well, one must have several traits (and not have several others) in order not to completely alienate, upset, and perhaps even terrorize (yes, terrorize) his or her team.

Bad leadership breeds distrust amongst employees, and bad performance. What, then, makes a great boss? I've assembled here a list of a few qualities that matter to me, in no particular order. So, without further ado, a great boss is someone who:

1) Doesn't micromanage. Micromanagement gets a bad rep for a good reason, and should only be applied in training situations, when a new process or procedure is introduced to an employee's roster of duties. A boss obviously has the right to supervise the employee's ability to learn whatever crazy new way of doing things is dictated. But on a daily basis, it implies a lack of trust on the boss's part and breeds little more than paranoia and resentment.

2) Doesn't punish you for the things that happen in his or her private life. Let's say Bob the Boss is going through a nasty divorce. Understandably, he's under a lot of stress. But there is no reason for him to specify visitation rights for you, split your office supplies down the middle, and argue over the custody of your printer.

3) Doesn't try to make you feel how hard his or her job is. I've seen this before, especially around people whose general outlook on life is fairly negative. They try to convince you the job is hard, stressful and unmanageable. If you disagree and, god forbid, suggest that it's not so bad, they will work you so that the job does become hard, stressful and unmanageable, just to prove their point. Misery loves company, but a good boss should not tolerate it in him or herself.

4) Has confidence and, if you're lucky, a degree of charisma. Leadership requires a genuine ability to lead, which very few people have. Consequently, they hide behind titles and conventions (and their MBAs) to assert their authority. But a great boss doesn't need to hide. He's not afraid to correct you and he's not afraid to admit his own faults. He can rally people behind him and get shit done.

5) Has a deep sense of right and wrong. Confidence by itself is hardly enough.It has to be checked by a commitment to doing things ethically.

6) Doesn't go out of his or her way to make enemies. If a boss makes enemies with other departments, by extension they are now your enemies too.

7) Emphasizes performance and results, not hours worked. Bosses who write you up for leaving at 5:58pm instead of 6pm, regardless of whether you finished your work, devalue your worth and work.

8) Doesn't carry a box of psychiatric prescription pills. Yes, I've seen this and no, I do not care to elaborate.

9) Can communicate easily. I cannot tell you how many bosses I've met who can't explain what they want so that a person with a basic understanding of English could comprehend.

10) Recognizes your accomplishments. Human beings need reassurance now and again that the meaningless work they engage in is being done right. This gives everyone a sense of purpose and pride. Of course, it's easy to go for overkill, and then you just start to sound patronizing. But a little acknowledgment goes a long way.

11) Leads by example. Or, in a negative sense, is not a hypocrite. It drives me absolutely insane when a boss demands you do something, while he or she does the exact opposite. Bosses, this undermines your credibility and it is only a matter of time before your team stops trusting anything you say.

12) Has a sense of humor. If you can't laugh at yourself, then you can go fuck yourself.

Alright readers, that's my list, incomplete and spur-of-the-moment. Got any additions? Post 'em.

13) Has a cool hat.

The Frozen Water Conundrum - The Jackal Checks His Mail

2011-02-26T20:00:00.000-08:00

At some point in life, we should all get fan mail.

A loyal reader sent me a story that I thought I'd share with all of you, Jackal-followers. It's a real titty-twister, this one.

"Dear Jackal - Oracle of Office matters and Champion of workfolk everywhere:

My company, of wonder and delight, has turned into the little shop of horrors this week all thanks to an old woman who can't mind her own damn business.

I am talking about an old timer who should have retired twenty years ago, an employee who sleeps in her chair in front of the computer twice an hour for twenty minutes at a time and spends the other twenty minutes monitoring everyone else in hopes of busting someone out of line.

The old shrew sits next to you at meetings and gatherings and spends the whole time coughing up her lungs and then swallowing the crap back because she's too lazy to carry a tissue or to excuse herself to go to the restroom. The same woman who after every staff lunch and company event stuffs all the leftover food into baggies and stores it in the staff refrigerator for posterity. Never mind that food has been sitting out in the sun for two hours or that everyone with sticky fingers has picked through all the food and left pieces that not even the most hungry stray animal would want. She safely packs them up in baggies and there they sit in the fridge!

Now, you may ask, why I do I care about what happens to that refrigerator, let alone that woman?

The reason is simple. I like cold water. I want frozen water for my ice tea and since I don't have the luxury of a fridge in my tiny office I have been left with no choice but to use the common refrigerator. Now I ask you, is it a crime to put a bottle of water in the freezer? Is there some technical reason why plastic water bottles should not go into freezers? This is America after all. If I want frozen water, shouldn't I have the right to put my water bottle in the freezer?

So far this week I have put my bottle of water in the freezer every day at least four times a day and the old shrew has taken it out and placed it in the refrigerator. During the first couple of days I could see how maybe she thought she was helping by taking it out (before it actually got cold and frozen) but later in the week I put a label on the bottle asking that it "please be left in the freezer." Well, that has not stopped her! My bottle got taken out four time yesterday and four times I placed it back in the freezer including right before going home yesterday. When I arrived at eight this morning I went up to check on my bottle and, like in a scene from a horror film, I nearly shrieked when I saw it back in the refrigerator!!!!!!

Of course she hasn't come and told me that she is taking it out or what her reasons are even now that I've identified myself as the owner of the bottle and the violator of whatever rule there is against placing bottles of water in the freezer.

And so, we shall see if my Friday is ruined yet again with no ice tea! It's 10:00am and time for me to check on the fate of the bottle. Will it be in the freezer where I placed it at 8am or did the old meddling cow strike again?"

Wow. Well, Frozen Water, this is a toughie. I guess, the first question is, why do you need frozen water for your ice tea? Wouldn't it be easier to just buy an ice-cube tray?

But we both know, this isn't the issue. The issue is a complete and utter violation of your rights as a private citizen who simply wants to coexist in a peaceful environment at work. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently yes. For years, we, the peaceful folk, have been downtrodden by those who get off on office oppression, simply to exercise power and make themselves feel a little better, a little more powerful, than they really are.

If I may, I'd like to suggest a few approaches to this situation.

1) Murder. (By coating the bottle with poison, for example). Now I'm not condoning murder here, but it is certainly bound to cross anyone's mind, so might as well start off by mentioning the elephant in the room. Now that it's been mentioned, please do not murder anyone.

2) Get your own fridge. Yes, this is a desperate maneuver, but it also implies taking control of the situation and, to quote "Speed," "taking the hostage out of the equation." Old hag = 0, Frozen Water = 1.

3) Confrontation. Direct, but not always effective, or fun. Still, it might be worthwhile as either a first or last result (never a middle one, though, don't ask me why). You speak your mind, find out what motivated the woman to repeatedly violate your ice-cube rights, and ask her to not let it happen again. Try to not throw office supplies in her general direction out of frustration.

4) Messing with the freezer / fridge temperature settings. Yes, by manipulating the dials you could easily turn the fridge into a freezer and the freezer into a fridge. The fallout is that other employees get pissed at you for freezing their peanut-butter and jelly lunch sandwich. Or non-frozen yogurt.

5) Put the CEO or President's name on the bottle. It won't get touched.

6) Put a dozen waters in the freezer. If she still removes all of them and puts them in the fridge, put two dozen. And so on, until she becomes unable to do anything else in the office, except for removing your waters.

There are many other methods. But the deeper question here is why should you have to fight for a few ice-cubes? Isn't having access to ice a basic human right?

Not in the office world. It is clear that your problem stems from something much more primal. Your culprit is someone who feels powerless in the modern world and needs to exercise whatever power she has in the office setting; power stemming from her title or from her many, many, many, many, many, many years of experience. She does this because it gives her a feeling of control over the elusive control of her personal life. This is a modern malady, one for which there is no cure. Perhaps the lady just needs a hobby. And we know nothing says hobby better to an elderly lady than a ball of yarn.

Is a little ice too much to ask?

The Art of Quitting Your Job

2011-01-23T18:24:00.000-08:00

We all gotta go at some point.

A wise man once said that a lot can be told about a person by the way they quit. I'm not saying I'm the wisest person, but this much cannot be disputed.

There are many types of quitters: the resentful quitters, the hopeful ones, the desperate ones, the melancholy ones (subcategory: hysterical ones), the stoic ones, the exuberant ones, the extravagant ones, the theatrical ones, and many others.

But they all go through certain steps in order to quit. So, you ask, what are these steps? I would be remiss not to provide you with them, so, without further ado, here they are:

1) Giving Notice - Two weeks has been the golden standard for ages now. But, like all standards, it deserves to be re-examined for its actual usefulness. While it's always polite and professional to give notice, experts are starting to debate whether the two weeks notice still applies in the modern working world.

In the Jackal's opinion it depends on how well you were treated by the company you are leaving, how you want to be remembered, and whether you ever expect to use any former supervisor as a reference. If the job's shit, and the people are assholes, then sound advice dictates that giving two weeks notice is not a necessity.

However, since one can never tell what life will throw at him or her, it's always best to leave in as calm and professional manner as possible. Still, the Jackal would be a complete hypocrite (yes, you read me, a hypocrite) if he were to say that that's always the rule. Bottom line is, if you get a great job and you can't give two weeks, then fuck 'em.

2) Dealing with Counter-Offers - Sometimes, when you quit, they love you so much they make you a counter-offer. What is a counter-offer? Usually a meaningless conversation about how much fictitious money your current company would pay you so that you wouldn't leave for a better job, paying you more real money, simply because it's inconvenient to the company you are leaving.

There are generally three truths that apply to counter-offers: a) most companies make counter-offers when an employee leaves at an inconvenient time for the company, b) most employees who are presented counter-offers are rightfully hesitant, fearing they may be let go within a short period of time if they accept, and c) if a company has treated an employee well, they will not make a counter-offer, instead being happy for the employee.

Unsurprisingly, experts generally advise against accepting a counter-offer. In fact, it turns out that only 6% of people who are offered a counter-offer actually accept it. The reasons are simple. You may tell yourself you're leaving exclusively because of money, but the truth is that atmosphere, the potential for growth, and the way a company treats you matter more. Don't get derailed from your new life-chapter, and just quit.

3) Psychological / Emotional Preparation - Quitting can be difficult. You maybe made some friends with your co-workers (with whom, after five or so years, you've spent more time than with your own family). Maybe you really like the new espresso machine they installed in the executive lounge and though you can't use it, the smell it gives off is simply divine. The thought of leaving is messing with your emotions and clouding your judgment.

Instead of tapping away at your keyboard, you let your fingers make love to it. You look at everyone around you with an exquisitely forlorn expression. You are calculating how many difficult adjustments your new job will require. No more taking the always traffic-free Serendipity Boulevard; now, you'll have to brave George W. Bush Crescent and Karl Rove Alley, only to side-step the Dick Cheney Cul-de-sac. No more Subway for lunch; there's only a Quiznos near your new job. God. You may even have a new dress code.

As you enumerate the reasons your new job will suck in meticulous detail, remember why you're quitting. Maybe at your new job you'll actually be able to use the espresso machine. And once you remember that, you will start to feel lighter, happier and definitely less productive (another reason why giving two weeks notice may be a bad idea - try working hard for those two weeks instead of counting down).

4) Physical Preparation - I do it like this. I look at my working area, quickly survey everything around me and start tossing shit in the garbage. Old notes, print-outs and reports that are of no use to anyone go into the recycling bin. Anything useful, give to your assistant (who will now inevitably take over your role), or to your supervisor (who will now inevitably make someone else take over your role). Give yourself time to take your belongings home. The Jackal doesn't really keep belongings at the office, except like a phone charger and a dead rabbit.

5) Professional Exit - You've given notice, you've turned down the ridiculous counter-offer, you overcame your emotional turmoil, and you cleaned out your office. But how do you exit professionally? For one, don't talk shit about the company, unless you want to get fired. If you're not interested in a dishonorable discharge and tarnishing your perfect record, then remain polite to everyone. Say goodbye to whom you want, but don't uncork two years of hatred you've harbored against your company's CEO on your last day. It's bad form and it lacks class.

6) Moving On - So you've had your goodbye cake, you've given your goodbye hugs, you've picked up your last paycheck from HR. You leave a void, but voids are filled as quickly in the modern corporate world as they are made. The place will go on without you and you will go on without it. You will keep in touch with some co-workers, but many you will never see again.

Soon, you're at your new job, where everything is strange and different, and somehow exciting. Yes, you may feel trapped there after a year as well, and you may even leave. But now, after your first two weeks, you try to remember what your old job was like and you feel like you're fishing for memories that are almost gone.

And just like that, after several years of working there, you barely remember anything.

Studies have shown that most people quit their job due to dissatisfaction with frequency of bathroom breaks.

Thinking About Cubicles - The Effectiveness of Cubicles

2010-12-16T18:22:00.000-08:00

Anything out of the ordinary sticks out like a sore thumb

So, how does life in the cubiclean jungle affect work performance? Let's think about this. There is no door. There is no closed space (an enclosure, but not a closed space). So the cubicle is always accessible. Thus, anyone can burst in and interrupt. It's a lot harder, in a cubicle, to ask someone to come back later because you are in the middle of something important, especially if it's something whoever is bothering you doesn't think is very important. And whoever bothers you always thinks their shit is more important than yours. And you always beg to differ.

The presence of a door has a psychological impact on visitors - even if they burst into your office, their entry feels to them like an interruption, unlike the bursting into a cubicle. That feels more like catching someone in the hallway. People in cubicles, especially ones with low walls, soon start to seem like impermanent fixtures, much like the cubicles they inhabit. Their corporate enclosures imply that they can be moved, adjusted, and replaced with newer and shinier (and cheaper) fixtures.

An office implies stability, permanence and stature. People don't often think about these things (which is why the Jackal is such an important figure in today's modern world), but they lurk underneath the surface. It is, whether you admit to yourself or not, a lot easier to respect someone who has a fucking door, than someone who sits in an enclosure made of three synthetic mats.

We tend to have more respect for people who seem stable, secure and well-taken care of. We are less likely to be nicer to people who dress like slobs, or don't have the means or the psychological and mental wherewithal to keep their lives in order (because we, my dear friends, are complete and utter assholes). That goes for people in cubicles as well. Following that logic, we are even less likely to take people who work in sweatshops seriously.

Of course, people who work in cubicles perceive that, also probably on a subconscious level. This impacts their self-worth and, as a result, morale. I know I am generalizing here, because there are exceptions, people who are so confident and so charismatic that regardless of their environment they will be looked up to and admired. For example, the Jackal, even as he eats roadkill and poops in plain sight, has the respect of you, dear readers, otherwise, why the hell would you be here?

So morale and ongoing interruptions are certainly issues. What about decision-making? Suddenly, conversations that you would otherwise have had in private now involve uninvited guests who voice their opinion, derailing the decision-making process. Instead of you and Jill figuring out how to make a certain process more efficient, you suddenly find yourself approving a slushie-bar in the parking lot. Well done.

We are social beings, so obviously we will want to participate in conversations that take place around us, throw in our two cents. Not everyone, of course, but most people fall to that temptation.

But I think the worst thing that happens in a cubiclean life is the feeling that every second of your work time is owned by the company. You can easily feel as though you are getting paid to give up your whole entire day to some non-human entity. The truth is you should be paid to accomplish tasks, to do a job - not to give up time. This is a subtle difference, but one that has massive implications, psychological, social and job-related. It must be stressed that the company doesn't "own" you, as much as it would like, for the time it pays you. Instead, you have an obligation to your employer to finish a series of certain tasks as delineated in your job description. Defining "work" otherwise equates it with slavery.

Are cubicles going to go away? No, if anything, offices are going to disappear. They're expensive, immovable, and stable. Cubicles are like furniture; they can be tossed out, moved, or replaced cheaply. They are part of a modernization trend that involves getting more of cheaper, less durable stuff.

But do they really save money? Do they really increase work efficiency? Apparently (and unsurprisingly) not. Many people have written on the subject of cubicle inefficiency and if you're interested, please look at what they have to say.

There are a few cubicle-pushing, corporate goons like Dawn Hawkins, whose misguided defense of cubicles is depressingly shallow and corporate. But the bottom line is, aside from saving company money, few benefits of this monstrosity remain. I recommend reading the fascinating essay on the subject of the morality of cubicles by David Franz. There is also this interesting discussion of re-thinking (cubicle) workspace. One popular cultural icon has already thrown his take on the cubicle.

Let's make the madness end, people. Let's make it end.

"one flew over the cuckoo's nest" is one giant cubicle metaphor

Thinking About Cubicles - The Psychology of Cubicles

2010-12-16T14:37:00.000-08:00

It all starts with hearing voices

As part of my cubicle series, we've introduced cubicles by thinking about them, we talked about their history, but we didn't really discuss what it's like working and living in one. Well, it blows. It blows monkey balls.

In a cubicle, the notion of privacy is completely eradicated. Ever get a business call from a friend you also spend time with outside of work? Notice how strange things get when your friend suddenly starts talking about something not related to work? You smile at the break from your every day mundaneness, but you also cringe, because you have entered the realm of the private, of the personal, of the little inside jokes, stories and collective memories we all have with our friends.

In a cubicle, however, privacy simply does not exist. You cringe, because you immediately wonder who is listening to your conversation. To that person whatever you're talking about is simply out of context, or even more simply, none of his or her fucking business. Shit, you may even like the intentional or accidental overhearer, but the discomfort is there. You simply feel like you're being watched all the time.

And you are. That's what cubicles do. They make it impossible not to look. You ever drive by a traffic accident, your car slowing down in the fastest lane, furious at all these stupid assholes who have to turn their head to look at the carnage, causing a three-mile traffic jam that will certainly make you late for little Damien's christening? But then, you look too. Oh yes you do. You're furious up until the point you see the blood seeping out of the side-door of the little elven electric car that is under the front tire of the giant Budweiser truck, which is exploding with beer. All that destruction draws your eye in.

Cubicle-looking is hardly as interesting, but what the hell else are you going to do? You work at a cubicle, there are people all around you - you are going to inevitably look, even out of sheer boredom. It takes serious discipline to develop tunnel vision and not look at what someone else is doing - it's also a little weird. Constantly walking while looking at your feet, putting your hands up by the side of your face and averting the gaze of others is something your neighbor Frank used to do, before he got caught with twelve chopped-up blond 21-year-old waitress bodies stuffed into his mattress.

That's the scene. Everyone is watched and everyone watches (same goes for listening). Now, say you're feeling a little rebellious (as we all occasionally do in life), and you decide to break from work and, I don't know, surf the internet. Little Johnny Dangerously over here. Surfing the internet. You don't have to read Sartre's "Being and Nothingness" to imagine the kind of objectification that occurs when a co-workers sees your computer screen. They don't have to say anything; they may not even care. But the cubiclean world implicitly and necessarily equates being witnessed doing or saying something personal with getting caught.

So they stare at you, you stare at them, they listen to what you say, you listen to what they say. Nothing is private in the cubiclean world; everything is public. The players in this nude corporate play are various. There are some who love to spy on others, from a quiet, voyeuristic distance. There are some who try, at all cost, to do anything to protect their private identity, by hiding their nudity. They are at their wits end, their lives engulfed by paranoia. There are those who are exactly the opposite (like this crazy lady); those who dare others to look, the exhibitionists, who flaunt their privacy in the face of all the cubicles around them. To them, much like their privacy-obsessed brethren, their flamboyant behavior is simply a self-defense response to the oppressive cubiclean atmosphere. In looking at animal porn on their computer at work for all to see, they are saying, "we don't care if you all look, these armadillos happily consummating their wild relationship is all that matters to us." But deep down inside, they hurt.

There are the occasional lookers; you're probably one of them. You don't really care, but you don't mind an occasional glance. You sneak a peek here and there. Ooh, Brian's checking his Facebook account. Cindy and the girls are planning to get hammered on Thursday night and spend Friday hungover at work. Oh oh, Brenda is reading this blog (at work!). The secret lives of employees are revealed, and my, are they ever so fascinating.

You have your secrets too, and that's why you rapidly change screens when someone walks behind you when you check your personal email, or you close the window in the middle of a report on the latest Indica strand from San Francisco in "High Times," or you lower your voice when you discuss going bungee-jumping with your friend because it is the only thing that makes you feel alive any longer, as a result of the dreary, pointless, arbitrary and absurd work you fight through every day.

But if cubicles signal the end of privacy, and welcome the publication of everything, how do they do what they were originally intended to do, i.e. affect work performance? Since this is getting a little long, I'm just going to break it up, Jackal-style, into two entries.

Eventually, all cubicle residents are reduced to this type of behavior

Thinking About Cubicles - A History

2010-12-10T21:34:00.000-08:00

As with all things, the cubicle was first tried out on animals.

Our great, though often misunderstood and paradoxical, Western Civilization culminates in one essential creation: the cubicle. In many ways, the cubicle is a symbol of the Occidental Tradition's failure to renew itself, to answer the questions it itself posed over millennia of its existence.

Yes, the tragic divine order that punishes Oedipus, the doubt Christ feels on the cross, the letter Hester Prynne bears shamed by society, Madame Bovary's suicide, Anna Karenina's suicide, the Grand Inquisitor's interrogation of Christ, K's endless trial, Munch's paranoid scream, Willy Loman's suicide, Marlow's lie, Kurtz's madness and our whole sense of disorder, alienation and emptiness can be reduced to three impermanent walls without a door, carbon-copied throughout the world.

Where did this anthem to a mechanized, surprisingly public, yet somehow alienated society come from? I want to trace the origins of this tasteless and formless homage here. But before I do, let's define what it is that several thousand years of Occidental rationalism has birthed.

According to the all-knowing, more-accurate-than-Britannica-since-it-is-written-by-regular-folk, and democratic Wikipedia, the cubicle comes from the Latin word "cubiculum," which was a rusty, steel implement used for anal probing in the Dark Ages, to purge the body of evil spirits.

Ok, that isn't exactly accurate. Cubiculum means "bed chamber." However, when I look at a cubicle, I do not think of a sprawling king-size bed upon which I can engage in restful slumber. That's because the meaning of the word "cubiculum", like that of most things in life, cheapened as the years passed. It soon came to mean any small room or space.

And then, in the 1960s it happened.

In a secret, underground Nazi chem lab... I mean, in Zeeland, Michigan, in the offices of Herman Miller Research, a man by the name of Robert Propst was staying up late at night, hatching a devilish plan. A plan so evil that before he knew it Herr Propst would be responsible for what is tantamount to a crime against humanity. But of course, since his contribution enriched the corporations that run the entire World, he was certainly not punished for it.

That plan was something called... the Action Office! Of course, as the story goes, the Action Office was not intended to be used for evil, much like the atomic bomb and the burning of witches, but to maximize office space, create efficiency, and comfort for the busy-bee worker of the modern era. (It is worth nothing that certain sources also attribute the creation of the Action Office to a designer by the name of John Schiflett, who was brainstorming away in Colorado, under the offices of the very same Herman Miller Research - perhaps his was a bastardization of the prototype Herr Probst unleashed).

But, as most great ideas, especially ones done in the name of capitalist progress, the Action Office gave birth to something much darker and more sordid than Herr Probst could have ever imagined. His worker-friendly, benevolent and blandly-named Action Office became what we know today as the... CUBICLE.

So how did the worker-friendly Action Office become the worker-enslaving cubicle? I bet you already figured it out. Yes, according to this brilliant (and brilliantly in-depthly brief) history of the cubicle, it was the fault of the U.S. Treasure Department. But then again, I mean, what isn't these days?

At one crucial moment, this brave and bold federal department relaxed its regulations regarding the time depreciation of office equipment. And cubicles are considered exactly that: furniture or office equipment. And since furniture depreciates in just seven years versus an office (i.e not a cubicle), which takes almost forty years, it only made sense for companies to put employees in cubicles instead of offices. They could recover their costs quicker.

So there is one very obvious and simple-to-understand reason why Probst's idea was bastardized. The second, also referenced in the same brilliant historical account of cubicles, had to do, very simply, with the maximization of space. Less space, less rent, fewer expenditures.

As time passed, as the crisis of the Western Civilization deepened, cubicles flourished like an apocalyptic plague. Probst watched his creation wrested from his hands and turned into the free world's equivalent of the gulags. Shortly before he fell to rest on his death bed, he was recalled to have named the cubicle "monolithic insanity."

Sure, what started as an attempt to maximize individuality and work performance, turned into a symbol of corporate oppression, but human beings are resilient (and will put up with a lot out of fear of losing their job). And, as time has shown again and again, they will find a way to deal with, and even embrace and accept the worst.

Thus, if anything, though the history of the cubicle is the story of our failure as a culture, it is also a story of the triumph of human endurance. Yes, you may say the jackal is being a little dramatic. But when I look around me, into an endless sea of featureless, grey cubicles and I see the people slaving away in them, I think, goddamn it, you beautiful people...

No, that's not true. I just shake my head and look down with a feeling of mutual shame and disgust.

a personal touch

Thinking About Cubicles - An Introduction

2010-08-22T18:32:00.000-07:00

Life in the Cubiclean Jungle - Solitary, Poor, Nasty, Brutish, and Short.

In a cubicle, thought is unnatural. I mean that literally. Imagine a man thinking in a cubicle. He looks like he's just sitting there, spacing out. He looks like he's not doing anything. He looks like he's being unproductive. He looks like he's wasting company time. Rubbing his temples, squinting his beady little eyes, the little vein on the side of his head jutting outwards with increased blood-flow, all motionless and shit.

Soon, of course, the thought is interrupted by the strange, cold, objectifying looks of co-workers, the strange, cold, objectifying look of the supervisor. You're caught off guard by the observing eyes around you. The horrifying realization that you actually haven't produced anything in the last couple of minutes creeps up the spine firmly lodged under the sweaty skin of your back. You start to feel like you've just been sitting there. After all, what are the real-life manifestations of your thought? What, in the world entire, do you have to show for it?

Nothing. You didn't even finish it. In fact, you don't even really remember what it was anymore. The thought might as well have not even happened. You hold on to the idea that the thought might come back to you, maybe you'll remember it, but come on, are you really about to risk being caught thinking again? You're completely exposed. You would definitely get caught again. Maybe if you doodle with your pen as if you're working and try to think you can get away with it!

But no, you're not Bobby Fischer. This is far too distracting. It's like moving one of your hands vertically while moving the other one horizontally. No, buddy, you're done. If you want to think, go to the bathroom.

Cubicles, they're a staple in every uncivilized society. In the next posting I will go into the history of these corporate torture chambers - in the meantime, I leave you with another blog entry about cubicles. While it's slated as "frank discussion for women who think outside the box," something tells me these women are so goddamn open-minded, even men can participate. Happy reading.

Office Romance - The Second Act

2010-07-11T21:45:00.000-07:00

When it goes bad.

A few weeks ago you got carelessly, or perhaps fatefully, involved in an office romance. The situation spiraled out of control and you got caught by some sneaky co-worker.

Well, that co-worker was Ted from Accounting and he's had it out for you since you incorrectly filled out that purchase request for your office supplies. Now, the erroneous space you left between item #12 (staples) and item #13 (a ream of blue, triple-perforated paper) is no longer a careless mistake. It's a merciless void that will soon eat you alive. The expanding emptiness is reflective of the inverse relationship between Ted's growing power over the situation and the shrinking future of what you still at this point refer to as your life.

What happens next? I'm sure you can guess, but I'll spell it out anyway. As you and Ted lock eyes, the awkwardness of the situation envelops you both. The girl is lost too, Ted's eyes shifting from her to you and back as their owner assesses the situation. Then - he smirks. It's quick, transient, fleeting, but you know your fate is sealed.

He backs out of the room. In your infinite brilliance, you contemplate finishing what you started, but your office soul mate is not having any of it. Her life has flashed before her eyes and it's no good.

Soon, before you even realize it you're not even in the empty room. You're no longer with the girl. She's been questioned, stripped of her office access, packed and packaged. She's already up on the 5th floor, with the big HR hancho, dressed in white, ready for her mandatory re-education camp. You'll never see her again.

You're options are equally dismal. Somewhere, a floor below or above (in your naked terror you're too disoriented to figure out which), your belongings are being shoved into a paper box. The picture of your gerbil, Ludwig Van, is buried under your good-luck yo-yo and your "I Wish I Were Dead" coffee mug. The frame cracks, but you don't know that yet and, besides, you've got bigger problems on your mind.

Such as the legal papers Ron, your malcontent boss, is shoving in your face. Legalese terms fly across your field of vision and you understand their meaning. Done, finished, game over. Mandatory, union-sanctioned castration. Trial by a jury of twelve angry Southern Baptists. A judge whose daughter was once sexually harassed by a man who lived on your street. A prosecutor you know from elementary school: you gave him a ruthless wedgie after he refused to let you cheat off his algebra test. You may have forgotten, but he has relived the moment every single day for the past three decades, frothing at the mouth. Now, his mouth contorts into a victorious sneer; the same sneer your cell mate will have when he introduces you to the whole top-bottom concept. Your end is both a bang and a whimper.

You know the rest. Unemployability. Destitution. Homelessness. Lonely death. I picture a snowy night and an alley. All because of a little office romance.

OK. So maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit. I mean, office romances happen all the time, and not all the participants end up getting raped in jail and then becoming homeless bums. The truth is, a lot of it depends on who's involved (a superior and a subordinate relationship is usually the big no-no), how the relationship is handled and what the company policy is on the subject.

As always, I have done the research for you, you sexually-active little office worker bees. A solid overview to the deadly minefield that is the corporate love game can be found in this article, written by one Denise Kersten (with expert opinions by Dr. Joni Johnston). Some basic pointers include:

steer clear of your superiors or subordinates (so Alice the scrumptious Assistant or Bob the confident-BMW-driving-Rolex-wearing Boss are off limits)
know your company's policy (companies are like people, each with their own particular tastes and biases)
be discreet (don't stand on the conference table during a department head meeting and yell "Jessica from Sales, I love you!", or hold hands [or anything else for that matter] with Trevor from Marketing during the company-wide sexual harassment seminar)
have an exit strategy (when the magic fades and you get dumped don't start stalking the object of your misguided affection)

I think we all agree, these are very helpful tips. This guide elaborates further offering brilliant little tips like "Go slowly," "Be wise," "Be honest" and "Be discreet," but if life were as easy as giving tips then we'd all be happy millionaires. (My favorite is "Resist revenge.") The truth is, in an office romance, much like in any other romance, you don't think clearly. By its very definition (provided by the comprehensive, all-knowing The Free Online Dictionary) romance is "An ardent emotional attachment or involvement between people."

Do you see "Be wise" or "Be honest" (or, even "Be discreet") anywhere in that definition? Hell no, of course you don't. Romances often start impetuously, are fueled by emotions and libidos, and reason kicks in when it's already too late. If that weren't the case perhaps we'd see fewer marriages and children. Just kidding.

The point is, once you get swept up in an office romance, it's hard to keep a balanced perspective about it. The last thing you'll be thinking of doing when you make out with Cindy from Customer Service is "Go slowly." And when she breaks up with you, and starts talking to Tony the mail guy, the words "Resist revenge" will not be the first thing that pop into your mind. No, you'll be fantasizing about the most elaborate revenge schemes, from the staple on a seat to the devilish rearrangement of the keyboard letters "F" and "K."

So what can you do? Aside from being familiar with your company's policies on the subject, and avoiding engaging in a relationship with a subordinate or a supervisor, be discreet and weigh the risks.

You're one of two types of people. If you don't think you can handle an office romance based on your less-than-perfect track record of wild relationships that spiral out of control like a violent freeway car crash, then you should probably steer clear of them entirely.

If, on the other hand, you're balanced, mature and serious about pursuing a relationship with a co-worker, then proceed with caution. Know what you're getting into. Know how to be discreet. Relationships at the office are not unusual. I know quite a few people who have met their fiance or spouse at work. The most important thing is handling the situation without undermining your performance, and making others uncomfortable.

But most importantly, be nice to Ted from Accounting.

Blog Made Suddenly Respectable by Reference in Major Newspaper

2010-06-13T22:12:00.000-07:00

So I've been doing this on and off for the better part of a year now, generally out of the goodness of my own heart, but also for fame and money. While I don't have money, and can't really gain any fame since this blog is written anonymously (full disclosure: I am not really a defenseless little jackal cub held up by an ominous human hand [unless we're speaking figuratively]), "Hostile Work Environment" did get a shout out at... *drum roll please* The Guardian!

Were you expecting something else? "The Wipe-Your-Ass-With-Me Enquirer"? "The Fire-Kindling Chronicle"? "The-Gossip-Masquerading-As-News Quarterly"? Nope. The fucking Guardian. The British newspaper, founded in 1821 (and therefore older than its New World sibling, The New York Times), this is a high-class journal, ladies and gentlemen.

Yes, the blog is quoted several times in an article by Phil Daoust, titled "Do we have to meet this way?" The article focuses on the general uselessness of business meetings, which I have explored at length in earlier posts. While I would have also embraced an article dedicated entirely to the site, I do appreciate Mr. Daoust's references - in my opinion the high points of what is overall a great piece. So click the link above, and check it out (or if you're short on time, just scroll down to the fifth paragraph, and then the last one).

Office Romance - The First Act

2010-06-08T22:44:00.000-07:00

All office romances begin with a manual saw.

You know the story. You notice her from a distance. She smiles, you smile back. At first there is no attraction; simply curiosity. Soon, however, you can't wait for her to pass by your cubicle. Even though you have no windows, you feel like the sun has kissed you every time she says hello. She's so radiant that she makes the office supplies that surround her look sexy. Yes, there is that sexy stapler in her hand. That hot little paper clip she so gently attaches to a few steamy pages of some erotically-charged report.

Soon, everything you look at reminds you of her. Even that stupid windows screen-saver dancing in front of you now gently tangos across your screen as if it were a pair of lovers lost in their own embrace.

Suddenly the dancers disappear. Your stupid co-worker has moved your mouse after flicking your ear. That bastard - he'll get his. But what is this in front of you? Microsoft Outlook. Then it hits you. It's so obvious. It's been in front of you the whole time.

You start sending cute little emails to each other. Harmless really. Even if someone read them, it would be hard to see the subtext. They're little inside jokes, none longer than a sentence or two. They're little love tweets.

You find yourself ignoring your work, waiting for the next little incoming email sound which sets your heart aflutter into some kind of an anticipatory ecstasy. Is it her sending you a smiley face? Or maybe it'll be that smiley face with the tongue out?

No, it's Bill wanting some stupid report. And then Cynthia chimes in, wondering if you can work this Saturday. Then there's Jerry with some stupid joke about monkeys throwing feces at each other. When will this interminable wait end? You know you can't go on like this.

You've had it. You're going to do it. You go up and ask her to lunch. She smiles and says yes. You go to lunch. She orders a salad. You order a salad. You eat your salads. You're happy because she's more into you than her salad (and it is a damn good salad).

It may be the 21st century, but you still insist on paying. She lets you pay. Over the next few weeks your work relationship grows. It deepens. It transforms. You're not quite just co-workers anymore. You've no idea how this happened. But here she is, at your house and you're having wine and eating some Italian food you've learned how to cook in college. It's always impressed the girls. It's the "I want to impress you, girl" Italian food. She reads the signs loudly and clearly. The wine is relaxing you both. Soon, you're kissing. Soon, your clothes are coming off. Soon...

...you're in an office romance. Jesus Christ. How the hell did this happen? How did you let yourself get involved with a co-worker? Did she seduce you or did you seduce her? Was it the paper clip? What do you do now? You can't break it off, because everyone will find out. But can you keep going? Everyone eventually will find out too. And you really like this girl. Oh Jesus Christ.

This is bad, you think. This couldn't be worse. But then there she is. It's awkward now. You say hi, she nods. There are other people around. Are they staring? You can't be sure. You move on quickly so as not to linger suspiciously. But what if you're sending the girl the wrong signals? You are. You decide to talk to her. You wait a few hours, sweating it out. Finally, you stumble into her right by that unattended office. There is no one around. You start chatting with her, talking about the night before. She leaps at you and you start making out. Now you're in the unattended office. She lands on the desk. You land on her. And you start going at it like the guns of the Navarone in the heat of battle. Suddenly you hear something behind you - the door opens. You've been caught.

What happens next? I bet you can't wait to find out.

Raises

2010-02-04T22:28:00.000-08:00

Asking for a Raise

Happy 2010 - what did you do? Hopefully you asked for a raise. How do you ask for a raise? Well, you catch your boss, preferably alone and preferably at a moment he least expects you. Like early in the morning or late in the afternoon. Come in quietly and ask if it would be alright if you had a word with him or her. Gently and slowly close the door. Remember, it's all in the build up. So take your time walking towards that seat. Even pause midway for dramatic effect as if you're seriously considering whether this is a really good idea or, worse, if you are truly alone.

Look deep into your bosses' eyes. Watch them carefully. You want to build this apprehension that something truly terrible is coming. Inspire their worst fears: a sexual harassment lawsuit, a confession of illicit activity, anything to do with money laundering.

Sit down. And begin talking. "You know, it's funny..." Maybe give a subtle glance to the window, and softly smile to yourself as if the sparkling sun were resurrecting some distant memory deeply buried inside you. "I just had my 5th anniversary last month." Now look back at your boss. Then go into it. The added duties you've undertaken. The things you've accomplished. The role you've played in the company's enormous success (or its taking a small step from the brink of immense failure).

Mention the economy. Of course, mention the economy. The recession. The price fluctuations. The taxes going up. The cost of living going up. The price of food going up. Bring up the food. If you've got children, bring them up too. But if you've got a picture of them in your wallet, save that for the closer.

Talk about liking the company, and the role you play in it. Talk about looking forward to new challenges and opportunities. Talk about the kind of crap every asking-for-a-raise-related website will talk about. You know, praise yourself, and ask for the damn raise.

Be realistic, your boss will not agree to it on the spot. But he'll be sure as shit relaxed that you didn't want to bring up any sexual harassment lawsuit, or money laundering confession.

Thank your boss politely and quietly exit. And know that for a while nothing will happen.

Most people I know who tried to get a raise at the start of this year did not do so well. I have heard this type of story so often it's destined to become a classic: "management is definitely considering 5% increases, but it wants to see how the first quarter goes." This is a classic line, with not one ounce of truth to it. Just take a look at job postings at your company's website. If there are any, that means the quarter is going pretty well so far. Whatever you do, however, do not lose the hope you so dearly held onto when the horrible 2009 reached its end. The job market isn't fully recovered yet, and the unemployment is still sky high. Continue to look for jobs, continue to work hard to extricate yourself from a difficult situation. And if you're doing just well and this year is treating you just fine, I hope that the desperate lives of the intended audience of this entry bring you joy and entertainment.

As for you, intended audience, this is your goddamn year and this is your goddamn decade. Do what you have to.

A Corporate Christmas Story

2009-12-11T20:46:00.000-08:00

(These people are dead now.)

The first of the three years in question they threw a catered Christmas Party. Risotto, salmon, beef, pork and delicacies you'd see in a restaurant. The booze flowed freely too. Nothing says "thank you" to the employees like an open bar (or "let's see what you're really made of" to the former alcoholics). Formal attire, cocktail dresses, suits and ties. Hired goons uniformly dressed to dole it all out. Nice tables, a Christmas tree next to a dance floor, a DJ and thoughtful prizes (none of that fast-food-gift-card bullshit). Even a photo room, with a professional photographer, props and costumes. The photos look great too; show me a man who doesn't look elegant in a tuxedo, a few drinks in him, a full stomach, ridiculously oversized sunglasses on his face and a pair of fake deer antlers on his head. Or a woman in a black cocktail dress and a Santa hat.

The bastards went all out, like office Christmas parties were going out of style. That was 2007.

2008 was different. After laying off something like 10% of the staff a few weeks prior, the executives decided the Christmas party would have to be scaled back. So, goodbye catered food, goodbye open bar, goodbye formal attire, goodbye uniformly dressed hired goons, goodbye DJ, goodbye thoughtful prizes and, yes, goodbye photo room. Hello six massive, 100-piece pizzas and a carbonated soft drink of your choice. Hello casual attire. Hello fast-food-gift-card prizes. Hello confused, emotionally-tattered employees, still reeling from the bout of layoffs. Hello sarcasm, irony and cynicsm.

Then came 2009. In 2009, they no longer had any illusions. They didn't think about any Christmas party. After a year of being misguided, mistreated and mismanaged, threatened and cut down to size, they worried about different things. Things like job security and making it through a work day without incurring some sort of mental breakdown. Sometimes, fed up and exhausted, they would argue with each other, because there was really no one else to argue with anymore.

Who are they? They are employees of floor number z, department y, offices x-p, or some such letter. And after a year of being told that their company was booming, growing and profiting when all they witnessed was the opposite, they were directed to organize a Christmas potluck lunch.

They, the employees of floor number z, department y, offices x-p (or some such letter), had to bring food they themselves would make or buy, to a party they didn't want to have, which was going to cut into their regular, private lunch.

So they signed up; it made management happy. But then, a few days before the lunch, after much grumbling and complaining, they found themselves in the middle of floor number z, in front of offices t and s, discussing alternatives. Baking food or buying food was such a hassle, on top of so many other problems already facing them. They decided it would simply be easier if they all just pitched in $10 and had the lunch catered.

And before you know it an email to management was drafted. And all these employees, who had never before agreed so collectively, rallied behind this catered lunch like a seasoned army ready for battle. And they got their catered lunch. Mexican food, I'm told.

So don't let them tell you that the Christmas spirit is dead in the workplace.