Somebody Thinks You're Fat, and Everybody Hates You

I got punched in the face with Rock 'n' Roll, via "The Voice" ... and I liked it.

2012-08-26T16:11:00.001-06:00

If there is one thing that Jan and I believe wholeheartedly in, it's the power of karaoke. Drunkenly singing in bars and at parties is what makes the world go 'round. In fact, I firmly believe that we'd live in a much more peaceful world if leaders would get together, have a few beers, pick up a microphone, and perform a rousing duet of "We Built This City" before they make any firm decisions.

Now, you'd think that we'd be more than enamored of all the karaoke-based singing competitions that are on television, right? Well, my logical friend, you'd be dead wrong. Oh sure, we have our fun with American Idol ... but the entertainment value of it depends entirely of the train wreck factor it presents (Mariah, we're looking at you to carry that torch, and hopefully burn the motherf*cker down with it. Yeah!). So, color me shocked as hell that through the awesome power of OnDemand television, I got addicted to back episodes of The Voice, season two in particular.
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Yeah, I'll just go ahead and start a rap career ...

2012-08-20T09:01:00.000-06:00

There are certain things that almost everybody thinks they can do well - fighting, screwing, reading the news, etc. Unfortunately, because this is resoundingly untrue, a lot of people end up getting their asses kicked to kingdom come, spending Saturday nights alone by the phone, and saying things like, "Keep f*cking that chicken," on camera.

Another addition to that list ... rapping. EVERYBODY thinks they can rap, and sure, most people can in the technical sense ... but less than half a percent of the general population can do it in a manner that's worth a damn, and I'm including most of the people who are currently signed to the Young Money label.
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Natalie Portman chose a fug wedding dress - Plus, five celebrity ladies who got it right

2012-08-11T09:05:00.000-06:00

On August 4 - a day that I hold in low esteem for personal reasons having nothing to do with the subject at hand, so I don't know why I mentioned it - Natalie Portman, award-winning actress/fashionista/bad-ass rapper, married her Black Swan choreographer/baby daddy Benjamin Millepied. The wedding was kind of a big deal, as Natalie is a huge star and the wedding was unorthodox in the sense that it combined elements of Natalie's Jewish faith, her husband's French heritage and her choice to follow a vegan diet. To this I say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah ... let's see the dress!"

And, man, was I disappointed.
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The Olympics would be better without Hope Solo ... and her asshat comments

2012-08-03T17:00:00.000-06:00

Recently, a poll stated that approximately 42 percent of Americans "couldn't care less about the Olympics." This stat is sorely disappointing to me, because I sure do love me some Olympics. It's the one magical time every four years when I sit down in front of the television to watch sports for five hours at a time. Seriously, I LOVE watching the Olympics, and of course, Team U.S.A. is where it's at. I'm even willing to overlook the general douchebaggery of LeBron James to root for him when he's representing the good ol' U.S. and A. And, we all know how Jan and I feel about LeBron James.

Terrific Scenes From Terrible Movies: "The Proposal" in The Village

2012-07-30T16:20:00.000-06:00

So I don't know what I like most about this scene. It's either Joaquin Phoenix's facial expression, or the stupid chick's dialogue. All I know is that I laughed my @ss off earlier when I saw this movie on TV today.

Note: Terrific scene(s) starts at 1:35 and ends at about 4:00

Paul McDonald Hates His Fans ...

2012-07-26T11:53:00.001-06:00

Meredith and I were, and still are, HUGE fans of Paul McDonald. That smile, those moves ... How can you resist his charm? Unfortunately for Paul, his success seemed to be short-lived. Honestly, who listens to his music anyway? Well, this brings to my point ... That point being that Paul McDonald hates his fans ...

Why?

Let me explain. Once upon a time, Meredith and I worked at a wondrous place where we often shared photos and videos of our beloved Paul McDonald. Then, one day, while viewing his Web site, we came across an excellent "fan shirt" that was being sold. Credit cards in hand, we went about completing the necessary steps to purchase our very own shirts in honor of Paul. Sadly, we found that there were only size larges in stock. Being that neither Meredith or I are morbidly obese, you could imagine our disappointment.

This is the fabulous shirt! Please note that the shirt is an exact replica of the jacket Paul wore on American Idol (but not really).

Wait, Kristen Stewart actually IS a dirty tramp?

2012-07-25T13:18:00.000-06:00

Kristen Stewart is a waste of space. We at "Somebody Thinks You're Fat ..." have always been adamant about that. We've never hesitated to voice our dislike for her, and her "acting", and her face and her attitude. She was a serious contender for a spot on our "12 Hates of Christmas" list, and truth be told, she only missed the cut because there is one of her and an army of Kardashians, so there you go.

We always knew she sucked as an actress. She's never really had charisma. I don't personally know anybody who thinks she's good-looking ... but I swear, all those times when I called her a dirty tramp, I was just throwing general insults out there. I had no idea it was actually true.

Anyway, various sources are now reporting that Kristen cheated on longtime boyfriend Robert Pattinson with her married Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Sanders. And even though f%cktard tweens the world over immediately jumped to call conspiracy on it, oh hey, guess what?

Mariah Carey is jumping on a sinking ship ... and I wish I weren't speaking metaphorically.

2012-07-24T18:06:00.000-06:00

The similarities are evident ... except one photo was taken after a bottle and a half of Cuervo.

Fortunately for all who enjoy good music, the time where success on American Idol meant insta-fame is long gone. She show has seen a steady decline in ratings over the years, paired with five consecutive wins for completely forgettable John Mayer clones. Basically, this show was bad to start, but has now become a bona fide disaster. It hit Chernobyl level with the departure of entertaining douche Simon Cowell, but there was still a just a bit of fun to be had with hot mess Steven Tyler and pain-in-the-ass diva Jennifer Lopez. Now, Tyler and Lopez have ditched, so the producers of Idol did the logical thing ... found somebody who is a hot mess AND a pain-in-the-ass diva.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mariah Carey is going to rock this shit.

I Am Not Dead

2012-07-24T10:02:00.000-06:00

Yes...you read that correctly! I am in fact not dead... I have simply been in "newborn land" for the last two months.. I miss this blog very much! I look forward to posting consistently again! I appreciate all of the readers who have stuck by us. Meredith and I will be in blogging form soon!!

This is the most repeated question in my household...

LeBron James gets a ring, and I get the finger. Awesome. Just freaking awesome.

2012-06-22T14:02:00.001-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, as you now know, the Miami Heat did, in fact, triumph in the NBA Finals over the general excellence of Kevin “The Durantula” Durant and the rest of the Oklahoma City Thunder. You most likely heard about it from some stupid-ass loudmouth in your office/high school/jail cell/etc. coming in this morning and screaming, “Boomshakalaka!!! Go Heat! LEBRON!!!” … or words to that effect. And, as you may have guessed, yes, I did have some sort of arrangement riding on this, and yes, I lost … miserably … epically … begrudgingly. Gee, thanks OKC. Thanks a lot. Thanks a whole effing lot. So, as my payment of said bet, without further ado …

Dance Moms: WTF is this?

2012-03-12T09:08:00.000-06:00

So after a few weeks of disasters, and a million errands that I had to complete, I am back with a post! Although sh^tty, it is a post. After seeing The Lorax, I had a hard time writing about anything. I had some serious writer's block going on. Why? Because they sure did screw up that film. :( It was terrible. I even contemplated leaving the movie early.. it was that bad..

Even if you hate reality television, I am willing to bet that you have at least seen one rant and ramble from heavy weight Abby Lee Miller. This women is a train wreck, and you know me, I love train wrecks..

Am I the only person who sees this? However, saying that Abby Lee Miller looks like Cartman is a insult to Cartman's good looks... in my opinion.

Why?

2012-02-28T07:08:00.000-07:00

So I have been having "personal emergencies" for the last week or so. I apologize for the lack of posting! I will have some good posts for you all soon! In the meantime, view this:

Love This! Celebrity Lookalikes!

2012-02-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

Source: Uploaded by user via Jahanzeb on Pinterest

Cher: Love Her or Hate Her.. I think she rocks!

2012-02-21T07:54:00.000-07:00

I don't care.. I love the song "Believe," and will always turn that beat up when I'm roll'n for hoes...

Flowers For Valentine's Day? Let's get crafty...

2012-02-15T16:39:00.001-07:00

The day after Valentine's Day I am left rushing into the dentist's office at 7am with a raging abscessed tooth. Yes, I blame the Conversation Hearts that I am addicted to beyond any form of intervention. However, with some antibiotics, and a lot of time on my hands, I have decided to write a post about Decoupage/Crafting.

Hopefully, all of you lovely ladies out there received flowers this year. If you received something better than flowers then poo on you..

Not only was I excited to receive flowers, I was excited to see the BA box that they came in! Look at all the opportunities!.. (I have a thing for repurposing boxes of all shapes and sizes)

We Want You! To contribute to our blog..

2012-02-13T18:58:00.000-07:00

Yes! You read correctly! Somebody Thinks You're Fat, and Everybody Hates You is looking for blog contributors. The great thing about our blog is that it covers a HUGE range of topics. All we ask is that the posts are entertaining and opinionated. We are open to contributors who would like to post weekly, monthly, or even just once. If you have a brand new blog and you are looking for more readers this may be a great way to drive more traffic. Furthermore, You do not have to be a great writer to contribute (it's a blog, not a piece of literature).

Why are we looking for contributors?

Well, we have been open to the idea for awhile. We would love to get more opinions and ideas on the blog. Recently life is derailing both Meredith and I momentarily. Do not fear, I will still post regularly until May when I will have my own "Legal" issues to deal with (9 months in the making, if you get my drift).

Are you interested?
Please send an e-mail to me (Jan) for more information:
jansmithhhh@gmail.com

Caduceus: The only wine that results in demonic possession..

2012-02-11T14:18:00.001-07:00

Yes, Maynard James Keenan not only brings his talent to Tool, A Perfect Circle, Pusicfer, acting, and stand-up comedy (WTF?), he also likes to produce wine.. Correct, he is a weird fellow indeed..

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Good Night ... from Meredith

2012-02-10T19:06:00.004-07:00

Well, boys and girls, it looks like this is the end of the line for ol' Meredith ... at least for a few months. You know how I'm always complaining about how Mila Kunis borrows my clothes without asking? Well, I went to go retrieve them, but the police didn't exactly see it that way, and they TOTALLY didn't let me explain. I'm not going to go into heavy details, but suffice it to say, terms such as "breaking and entering," "theft," and "total weirdo" were thrown around pretty liberally. I don't get it. But, stack this on top of that pesky restraining order that a certain tall, blond star of True Blood has against me, and it's just a whole mess of not good.

I don't know what he had his panties in a twist about. Jan is the one who locked him in her basement.

At any rate, I'm gonna be going away for a while, but like the Terminator before me, I'll be back ... And, if you miss me, you can always check out this video that I made with my twin brother. I'll miss all of you, my anonymous friends out there in that magical land that we call the Internet. See you in a few!

Sex and the City: Why you shouldn't be ashamed to call yourself a "Samantha"

2012-02-07T11:37:00.002-07:00

Remember this Photoshop disaster??

Sex and the City might have ended in 2004, but it still impacts women in their early 20s today. Blame it on the Style Network, or blame it on the movies. Alas, I am not complaining, I often use the show to slide into a coma each night. Why? The show is well written, and the characters are pretty well developed (for the most part). Sex and the City is also a great break from the mind numbing reality trash television that I find myself obsessing over everyday. Which brings me to my first point: If you are a woman between the ages of 20-50, you have surely been asked this common question:

Gisele Bundchen Proves She's No Angel After Her Super Bowl Prayers Go Unanswered

2012-02-06T18:29:00.001-07:00

You've heard of Gisele Bundchen, right? Of course you have. She's arguably the most recognizable supermodel in the world. Her perfect body and great hair made her ubiquitous in the fashion industry, most notably as the head "Angel" at Victoria's Secret ... and also enabled her to become filthy, stinking rich. You might also know that she's married to New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, who is also amazingly blessed in the looks department and ridiculously wealthy in his own right.

So, by virtue of their genetic gifts, these two effectively have the world at their fingertips ... but apparently, Gisele felt that she and Tom hadn't accrued enough blessings, so she called on her friends and family for prayers to help her "Tommy" win the Super Bowl.

Oh ... my ... GOD! (Pun intended)

Academy Award Looks to Love: Jan's Picks

2012-02-05T11:30:00.000-07:00

I found picking Academy Award Looks To Love to be challenging. There are so many different dresses from different times. However, I finally narrowed it down to a few that I really liked over the years ...

Academy Awards Looks to Love - Meredith's Picks

2012-02-05T11:21:00.000-07:00

Here at Somebody Thinks You're Fat, and Everybody Hates You, we like to stick it to celebrities because most of them are overpaid and under-intelligent, so eff them. However, we're not without our flights of fancy ... particularly when it comes to fancy dresses. Yes ma'am, we do love us some fancy dresses. So, in honor of red carpet season, and the upcoming Academy Awards, we have awards of our own to give: The Top Ten Looks to Love from each of us. I don't think I need to explain what a tremendous honor this is. So, without further ado, the winners are ...

(Note: These looks are post-millenium, meaning they date back only as far as 2000 and are being picked by me, Meredith, only. Jan has picks, too, so look for those later!)

Tim Tebow is an Underwear Model ... And Also a Never-Nude?

2012-02-04T14:43:00.002-07:00

You may have heard that Tim Tebow has a new underwear ad out, but if you're one of those easily scandalized, pearl-clutching types, don't get your panties in a twist. The family-friendly quarterback appears in the ad shirtless in a field of horses (for the ladies?) ... but wearing jeans. That's right, Jockey has hired a model who displays only five percent of the product that they are posing for. Wow, I would love to have a job where a bare minimum show of effort is not only acceptable, but lauded. And, I do apologize for that horrible pun I just did ...

Now, I can be objective enough to note that there are many ladies out there who find Tebow attractive, but really, when I saw this ad, this is the picture that came to mind:

People Are Turning Into Idiots In Upstate New York..

2012-02-03T16:31:00.000-07:00

The day after TODAY reported on the baffling case of 12 teenage girls at one school who mysteriously fell ill with Tourette's-like symptoms of tics and verbal outbursts, a doctor who is treating some of the girls has come forward to offer an explanation. Dr. Laszlo Mechtler, a neurologist in Amherst, N.Y., says the diagnosis is "conversion disorder," or mass hysteria."It's happened before, all around the world, in different parts of the world. It's a rare phenomena. Physicians are intrigued by it," Mechtler told TODAY. "The bottom line is these teenagers will get better." On the show, psychologist and TODAY contributor Dr. Gail Saltz noted that just because the girls' symptoms are psychological in origin doesn't make them any less real or painful.- Today Health

Just Another Reason To Love Alexander Skarsgard ...

2012-02-02T11:42:00.002-07:00

Confused?