WILLIAM ANDREWS

Porridge and the biscuits

2012-01-29T17:25:00.001Z

ANNA & KATY on CHANNEL 4

2012-01-24T15:32:00.002Z

The pair of them have known for a while but today channel 4 announced officially that they have been given a series. It’s pande-bloody-monium round our house, I can’t think for party poppers popping.

To celebrate – I’ve stuck three of their “explaining women” videos on you tube. Homemade nonsense wot was used in their last Edinburgh show. Hope you like.

Mamma zucchini -- title comparison

2012-01-15T14:17:00.002Z

This is a rare treat -- got hold of this from a bunch of betas being thrown out. It shows the title from the original zucchini show and the titles form the last, just when Suzi Squash was back in the role after her daughter's accident and the coke bust up. Just shows how much tv changed in those years -- and the perennial nature of the show -- somehow always hanging on despite the back stage dramas.

RICO

2012-01-11T14:32:00.000Z

INT. CHURCH HALL

RICO

Ladies, ladies. Why so aggressive? Be smile. Loosen up your bodies. Loosen your bodies with Rico.

Grams Latin music

RICO(CONT'D)

We dance

ANNA

Sorry?

RICO

Tonight we dance. There is no woman there is no man, there is only one sex! Now dance.

KATY

I’m sorry but no

RICO

Ok. Then we eat. We eat like lovers, lie down.

ANNA

No!

RICO

Then we drink. Let us drink. Drink like lovers.

ANNA

Stop it you horrible man

KATY

Yes stop it.

RICO

Ok. Then tonight I will leave. With passion.

He goes to leave - Claps his hands and the music stops

RICO (CONT'D)

You wanna buy a monkey? Lie down.

ANNA AND KATY

No!

RICO

Ok. Bye bye.

Rico come back on stage holding his stomach

RICO

AAAAAAGGGGGHHH

KATY

What’s wrong Rico?

RICO

Oh I eat too much an drink too much and do too much dancing. Lying down. I have the stomach ache of a lover.

ANNA

Well you only have yourself to blame

RICO

I can’t hear you. Come lie down beside me. i can only hear you when i am inside you.

ANNA

Go away you horrible little man

RICO

Ok I go. I sold the monkey by the way. I don’t suppose you want all his things. He has three top hats but I wouldn’t let him take them. Monkeys need discipline. And bananas. God I miss him.

BLEEP BOOP

2012-01-11T11:45:00.005Z

INT: BEDROOM, LATE NIGHT.

A WOMAN is asleep. The phone goes beside the bed.

WOMAN

Hello? Hello? Who’s there?

All we can hear at the other end is the background noise of a pub and the “beep boop” that pay phones make. She hangs up the phone angrily.

CUT TO:

INT: PUB, NIGHT.

A robot is on the phone looking melancholy. He hangs up the receiver and goes back to the bar where he’s siting. His friend comes over with a pint for himself and a pint of oil for the robot.

MAN

She still not talking to you?

ROBOT

Bleep boop.

SHOTLAND

2012-01-10T18:24:00.001Z

I often miss Scotland. I miss the air, the space; I miss tap water that doesn’t taste like there’s skin in it.

Yes i had my life threatened there, yes it was unwise to leave my flat after 7pm; there is some causal violence in Glasgow but at least it’s causal.

There is no “casual” violence in London. It’s very much on purpose.

If i go home late on a bus in London, and there’s two guys talking loudly about knives i think ‘I’m going to die,’ If that happened in Glasgow I’d think “I’m hanging out with the guys”.

In Glasgow I saw an old lady stop and pick up a glove she’d found and say “oh dear that’s someone lost a glove.” The only people picking up gloves in London aren’t managing their treatment. I’d never pick up a glove here; it might have a hand it in.

Londoners are in a constant state of barely concealed panic. All they talk about is travel and accommodation. Where are you from and how did you get there. It’s like they’re planning an escape route.

I miss a lot of things, my friends, the nights out, being called “will-yum.”

To fair though London does have the royal festival hall, and my wife, so, you know, swings and roundabouts.

SHORTS

2012-01-10T13:27:00.001Z

Picture the scene, 1961, Brighton, England. Three homosexual men move in together in a small flat in Tichborne road. Appropriate to the time their sexual preference was previously no more than a scary suspicion, but behind closed doors the relief, release and joy of a new found shared understanding bubbled over into late evenings of excited chatter. Nothing could better, nothing more essentially good than this new way of life for our three heroes. It was time for a party to celebrate this new association.

But – it wasn’t that simple; this was 6 years before decriminalisation - and their land lady had her eyes on them. They would have to be careful, yes party, but my god, they would have to be careful. And so, round a yellow topped Formica table in their tiny kitchen they worked out the details. Not the only conservative party conference to be held in Brighton, but most likely the only one at which the delegates were wearing shorts.

FIRST LOOK AT MY FILM CARAVAN

2011-10-27T11:54:00.003+01:00

TITLE: 01
FCM: NON-DROP FRAME
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THE DAYS ARE PACKED

2011-09-09T15:12:00.001+01:00

On a train - whistling back to London after a days read through for our upcoming radio4 show and a post wedding stag do. A lot’s happened recently – i’m married to the most talented woman i know – my house has a huge hole in it and we have a dog.

I'm all grown up.

ANNA CRILLY TALKS TO HER DOG OVER THE RADIO (BBC5 LIVE)

2011-07-17T12:30:00.000+01:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHj_Ck5cpeE

EASTER VISITOR

2011-04-25T12:11:00.002+01:00

CUTTING DOVETAILS - AN ACTORS GUIDE

2011-04-11T12:16:00.000+01:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qC4pQwZZWsU

WELL DONE COSTCO

2011-03-21T16:01:00.000Z

Rub it in their face why don't you.

RADIO HEAD

2011-03-07T20:35:00.000Z

I will be honest, i don't know a lot about radio head - so - a lot of this is a bit lost on me. Good fun to make though.

CLICK HERE

TOM BELL

2011-03-07T09:45:00.000Z

There are many a comic out there, seems now there are more than ever. Tom Bell is one, and in my chequered ten years in this job he’s consistently one of the very best I have ever seen. He’s a stand-out stand-up, creative, with a markedly fluent and authentic voice.

This maybe weird for some to read such out and out online man love but any embarrassment is worth it if a few more people have their heads turned his way.

If you see him billed, go see. If you are in Edinburgh this year, go see.

Tom Bell. Very Bloody Good.

http://tombellcomedian.weebly.com/

IRISH ACCENTS

2011-01-12T16:01:00.001Z

So - not a natural northern Irish speaker, may not surprise those who have met me. It did, however surprise the lovely Rocket Sausage/ Eyeworks folk when I turned up to film this wee thing'o for em.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/clips/p00d7hq3/comedy_clips_fish_or_chips/

CAN'T SEE GULL

2010-11-22T15:19:00.000Z

So - I saw this window, which, if you look closely, the bird clearly didn't.

see? - Like finger printing for flying types.

said it was open - it wasn't.

JOKE PARTY - THE LAST CANDLE.

2010-11-22T08:50:00.000Z

So Joke party @ the Wilmington arms is coming to an end. It’s a big fat shame but we wanted to go out on a high on MONDAY 6^TH DECEMBER.

Closing the proceedings is TONY LAW and KEVIN ELDON is coming along to try stuff for his DVD. Supporting this remarkable disk content creation is the inimitable BRIDGET CHRISTIE, CLEVER PETER, TOMMY AND THE WEEKS and I might do a bit too. If it all goes to plan, also showing his colours will be the quite awesome Reverend OBADIAH STEPPENWOLFE THE III. If you haven’t seen this man of the cloth then take the chance, he’s hard to catch and rare treat.

Would love to see you all without having to resort to breaking into your residence

http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=137456119640005

CAT SCAN

2010-09-24T17:37:00.002+01:00

ARE MEN FUNNIER THAN WOMEN? NO QUESTION

2010-09-01T11:14:00.000+01:00

Every festival a hoky piece of 3^nd rate journalism pokes its head out of the bum hole of the media and drunkenly waltzes with the question “are men funnier than women?” Chortles recent puffy article takes the same short sighted perspective.

http://www.chortle.co.uk/news/2010/08/31/11635/men_are_funnier_than_women

A fluffy statistical breakdown of the star ratings given by the site is headlined “MEN ARE FUNNIER THAN WOMEN”. As per the notably thin figures, why, with this wobbly analysis as its basis, did they choose to take this angle? There is no debate, there is no issue, to continue to frame it as such is unforgivably erosive.

There are more male comics than female comics. This is arguably the primary factor behind the depressingly commonly held belief that women are not as funny as men. Let me make my argument concerning only three of the results of this fact.

Firstly, we are exposed to a great many more men’s work and so the mode average of funny men is higher.

Another effect of more men working is that it has gender biased the causal audience over time. Eg, historically we started laughing at male stand-ups and are therefore exposed to more male stand-ups as the media provides us with more of what we know. Comedy’s biggest audience “dip in and out” and are understandably unaware of extent of work that is out there and so the thin sliver that is what they see, compounds the gender separation in the popular consciousness. Those with the least knowledge have the greatest power.

Lastly, this difference affects new comics coming up. It makes it less attractive to start a career in comedy if, became of your gender, you are by default grouped as a genre. I would argue also that for this reason contests such as Funny Women are contributing to a problem they ostensible set out to address.

So almost impossible as it is, even if you could reasonably accurately express as a percentage funny folk by gender, the result would not tell the whole story.

The sooner we break down these simplistic perceptions, the quicker we can ensure that performer’s feel able to employ the full creative licence that stand-up affords them.

This is not a feminist stance, It is my strongly held belief and I feel is crucial to the advancement of a funny business that i take very seriously. It would not serve my point to list the various successes of my female colleagues, but, to quote Sarah Pascoe, “Without warning or preparation, I could list the names of funny women, and be still be going ten times as long as you can hold your breath.”

SALTCOATS

2010-08-29T17:11:00.000+01:00

After the most incredible Chinese meal i have eaten in my mouth i got a cab and the angry man silent treatment back to my hotel near Buchannan bus station. Glasgow at night switches from epic and orange lit to orange lit and threatening on an epic scale.

Two girls went past were i was standing, both about 17. One was large with a booze stained white hoody on and a black hold all that she could have hidden in; the other was a tiny weegie princess with a wheely case, glossy shopping bags and heels. The girl in the white, Shona, suddenly just dropped the case and said

SHONA

Fuck this Christine. Am no carrying this any mare.

CHRISTENE

C'mon Shona. It's just up there.

SHONA

Ah canny. I just canny.

My training given to me by the north easts most laughable private school kicked in

WILLIAM

Er. Can i help you with your bag at all?

SHONA

Aye, cheers mate. Just tae the bus station

CHRISTENE

Shona, hes talking to me.

WILLIAM

Bloody hell, thats heavy.

SHONA

Got a cigarette mate

WILLIAM

No. You going to Edinburgh?

SHONA

Na. Ireland.

WILLIAM

It's just, it's past midnight. I don't think there are anymore buses.

SHONA

Ah fucking told you Christene.

WILLIAM

How are you getting to Ireland?

CHRISTENE

We're not mate, we missed it. We got drunk. We've got tae get back tae Saltcoats. Have you got a cigarette?

WILLIAM

No.Saltcoats? Isn't that miles away?

SHONA

Are you American?

WILLIAM

No.

SHONA

Where are you staying?

WILLIAM

Er, well - just in there, the Park in.

SHONA

How much is that?

WILLIAM

I don't know. I didn't pay for it.

SHONA

You got it for free?

WILLIAM

No. I mean, someone else paid for it. Its for work.

CHRISTENE

You work there?

WILLIAM

No.

SHONA

(shouting at a woman in a high vis tabard)

HOW. MRS BUS MAN. HOW DO WE GET A BUS TAE SALTCOATS.

MRS BUS MAN

UNION STREET.

SHONA

Fuck sake. Union street.

CHRISTENE

Union street

WILLIAM

Do you know where that is?

CHRISTENE

Aye. Union street.

SHONA

Ah know. Just follow me.

WILLIAM

Right, its just, well I better be getting back.

SHONA

Just a bit more mate.

WILLIAM

Right.

I carried it for a bit more and then told them i had to go. I had to load it on to her back so the handle went across her shoulders, she looked like the saddest donkey i ever saw.

I did feel bad about leaving them, mostly because i couldn’t really work out how old they were. I’m pretty sure they would be ok but maybe there were running away? Who know their story; It did briefly occur to me at one point to see if they could stay at the hotel were i was. I imagine the subsequent conversation with anna wouldn’t have gone well -

WILLIAM

Hi Anna, never guess what happened to me last night.

ANNA

What?

WILLIAM

Well, it was after midnight, and i'd had a drink. Anyway, these two young girls went past with a heavy bag, completely wasted they were. Anyway long story short, I let them sleep in my hotel room - all of us! In the same Bed! Ha ha ha, can you imagine! Just doing my bit. Felt good y’know?

NO FRIES WITH ANYTHING EVER AGAIN

2010-08-03T12:11:00.000+01:00

So I popped into MacDonalds for a cheeky burger – been a long time since I have and it will be a long long time until i can again. Fortunately for my liver but unfortunately for me, one of the costs of doing kids telly is places like MacDonalds “restaurants” are now out of bounds.

I wolfed my burger down whilst getting starred at by little eyes and poor attempts at hiding the fact they were taking mobile phone pictures. The creepiest thing they do is buzz you as your sitting, little walk pasts - they would make shit spies and you will have to make a lot more feature films to prove to me otherwise.

I left with indigestion after giving an autograph to a kid who didn’t care less but his pushy mom insisted.

Look at me ma – top of the world.

FRENCH PAPER

2010-07-29T14:10:00.000+01:00

So i photographed this on our trip to Paris, sometime before we were caught by the ash cloud...

A seemingly normal furniture advert.

But. I mean, why is the man sitting in the draw under the bed - facing away from us? Is it a French thing? a national joke I don't get?? Is it a man? can you see him too?

PAINT YOUR OWN PATRIOT

2010-07-26T19:32:00.000+01:00

I bought this and stared at it. For a long time. I am no closer to working out why it upsets me. Am I being tricked by my own liberal pretensions? I should think - handy nationalist kit - but I cant help but think - daddy's little fascist.

A LITTLE HELP

2010-07-14T20:19:00.000+01:00

On the underground - namely the Victoria line - there are these blue stars - a lot like the stars you get on converse kicks. What are they please???