The Constant Pen

Recent

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 05 Jun 2015 02:05:00 +0000

It's been a long time since I've posted. I really do need to try and keep up with this blog.

Since I posted last, lots of things have happened. The biggest being that I have had my youngest baby. I will do an introduction post for him in a new post though.

I've never posted what had happened with Baby P's dad.

In August 2014 Baby P's dad assaulted me. He had been drinking and we had gone to bed. I decided to leave the bed to sleep on the couch.

I fell asleep and the next thing I knew he was waking me up by shaking my leg. I looked at him and he told me I needed to leave. I thought he was joking because, you know, normal couples do that sometimes when arguments or whatever happen. I looked at him and said "haha, soooo funny." He stared at me expressionless and said "no really, you need to leave." Once again, I still thought he was just messing with me and when I didn't move he got angry and said "NO, seriously.. You need to leave now! I never want to see you again."
I realized be was being serious and asked him why. He proceeded to tell me it was because it was disrespectful for me to leave the bed and that I was "nothing but a whore." He said that I wouldn't have left the bed if I wasn't cheating on him.

I stood up to leave and he grabbed my arms, shoved me back on the couch and ended up on top of me with his hand around my throat... choking me. I started throwing punches and he backed off right away. I screamed for help and he slammed his hand over my mouth, twisted my neck around, shoved my face into the couch and told me to "shut the f*!% up" because I was embarrassing him.

He finally backed off and more arguing commenced. I don't remember what all about but I finally got out and called the police. He was arrested that night.

Two days later I found out I was pregnant with Baby P.... I made the bad decision to go back to him two weeks later when he was bailed out of jail. I went back to tell him I was pregnant and I regret that decision every day.

Approximately 4 days later he and I were in the car when he started another argument.
To make a long story short, he was getting very angry and punching the dashboard and when he got in my face, started screaming as loud as he could and he tried to take my cell phone, I grabbed the mace I had to protect myself. The only way to get him away was to spray him. I called the cops and he was arrested again. He has been in jail and refusing to come to court since.

I've been going to the courthouses every month for my entire pregnancy. Next court date is July 13. They said they are bringing him to court by force/any means necessary.

His bail has been raised to $15000. Hopefully we can get this all straightened out and I can be done with him for good.

With all that being said, I am going to file for full custody. He ruined his chance at ever getting to be a father. I will not let an abusive alcoholic be around my child.

Eventually this will be settled and I won't have to worry about it. I am so ready for that. I look forward to that day.

Been forever!

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 20 Dec 2014 17:03:00 +0000

So I haven't posted in a very long time.
Got some stuff to update on.

First, I am expecting baby #4 on May 22, 2015.

On an ultrasound on Thursday we took a peek at gender. Baby was not being fully cooperative but we are 95% sure it's a BOY! I am so excited. 3 boys and 1 girl!

My two eldest were not the happiest. Judah, he took it the hardest. He was thinking it was my choice. That I had chosen a boy. Haha

I told them that God chooses if you have a boy or girl and Ora told me "No, my teacher says your tummy chooses". I said "well maybe your teacher doesn't believe in God, or she does and can't say that God chooses."

The next day they came around and were ok.

Ari just has no idea what's going on. I have the sneaking suspicion that he will not be happy because he will no longer be the baby lol.

Judah had a school play and had his own lines. He did so good, considering he is my shy child.

Ora is doing really well with reading. She's definitely my pro!

Ari is just getting big and is being a rotten little boy lol. He's so smart and adorable though.

I'm still working at walgreens....

This baby's dad is in jail for domestic violence. He will not be part of this Baby's life.

I'm feeling lonely and wanting to be in love but I don't see that happening any time soon, or at all.

Such is life.

Well I guess that's all for now.

One On One with Ariah

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 18 Mar 2014 17:42:00 +0000

On Sunday I got to have some one on one time with my littlest. He is growing so fast. We had fun just the two of us. We'd swing on the porch swing and I would just listen to his cute voice talking to me in choppy sentences.

We decided to go on a walk (or rather I did and I knew he wouldn't object.) I told my mom as we were leaving that we were going around the block. We had some good conversations he and I.

We got halfway down the first side of the block and we had this little conversation:

Ari- "Mom, uh, we walk two blocks?"
Me- "You want to go around two blocks?"
Ari- *pauses to think* "No." Then counts on his cute chubby fingers. "Uh, go on one, two, three, four blocks!" As he said four he put up all 5 fingers. Awww

Then we crossed the street to the second block and we started talking about colors.

I showed him some rocks, one red and one yellowish in color and told him the colors.

We then had this conversation.

Me- "Hey Ari, what color is the grass? Is it green?"
Ari- "No, mom, rellow!"
I couldn't argue with that one as it was yellow from the winter.
Me- "Well, yes it is kind of yellow, but in spring it will turn green."

We were talking about car colors when I mentioned that a car we were passing looked like his dad's car. He kept wanting to run back to it. I kept telling him it wasn't his dad's car. Lol

Me- "Ari, what color is the sky?"
Ari- "No, mom, too big!"
I am not entirely sure what he meant by that haha.

As we were ending the second block, my boy was getting tired.
He told me "two blocks, mom."
I chuckled at his cuteness!

He then plopped on the ground and said "sit, mom, sit down" and pointed to the sidewalk next to him. He wanted me to sit with him but I pointed to grandma and grandpa's home. I said "but grandma and grandpa's house is right there. He hopped up and ran the rest of the way back. He was so cute. My booger man!

My Children, My Sweet, Poor Children

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 14 Mar 2014 20:15:00 +0000

Yesterday evening I took my children into their counseling sessions to see how they are dealing with the divorce. We opted to have them seen to see how they are dealing with the current situation because we feel they are just going to tell me what I want to hear and their dad wants to hear.

We will have a feedback session on the 27th to see how it all went.

Well, when we were walking back to the car I was holding Ora's hand and Judah was holding Ora's other hand. Judah was lifting Ora up by the arm to where she was walking tiptoe on one foot. Ora's was just giggling like crazy. She thought it was hilarious.

Instantly a thought popped into my head. I was thinking about how their dad and I used to walk with Judah or Ora between us and swing them every other step. Their beautiful giggles and begging "AGAIN! AGAIN!" were so sweet and my babies were so happy.

I began to think how they won't get to do that with mom and dad ever again. My poor sweet Ariah never got the chance and never will. It hit me so hard. I just cried and cried.

I told their dad how I felt. He asked me "so are you upset for the kids or are you upset that we aren't a couple anymore"

To be honest the question hit me off guard and the more I think about it the more I get kind of squeeze. Of course I am not upset about not being with him anymore. I don't want him back in any way shape or form. I simply got upset about things the kids will miss out on as without mom and dad being together.

My children are the lights of my life and all I've ever wanted was the best for them. It's all I still want for them.

I know that my ex and I being divorced is the best for them. We didn't get along. We fought constantly. My Kids deserve better than that. They will have better than that.

I love my babies so much. I just cuddled them and told them all how much I love them.

In the end it will all be ok. My babies will be ok. My Kids will be happy.

Judah, Ora and Ariah, mommy loves you more than anything in the world! I am going to do all that I have in my power to give you a happy childhood. *Hogs and Quiches!*

Confused

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 11 Mar 2014 04:22:00 +0000

So very very confused.
I'm a dumb girl.

When Kindergartners Are Smarter Than You/College

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 14 Feb 2014 23:12:00 +0000

So, today I went to my kids school to visit their class rooms. Judah is getting to the age where he gets embarrassed when mom shows him any sort of affection in front of his friends lol.

I didn't stay in Judah's room very long as for one he was preoccupied with his friends and then his class had to go to gym.

I went to Ora's room and had fun with her. She's still young enough that I can be a complete goofball and she is still proud that I'm her mommy.

Well, she was opening her Valentine's cards and could get one out. So I told her to let me help and as I'm tugging at it, a boy in her class came over and said "umm, it's supposed to stay in there." Lol I felt like a big dummy haha.

What's so funny about this is that I officially graduated from college today!
Yes, that's right, I am now a certified Dental Assistant!

Now, just to find a job!

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me #13

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 12 Feb 2014 22:31:00 +0000

#13. What is the hardest part of growing up?

Hell if I know.
I didn't find childhood easy.
I don't find adult life easy either.
I really don't think I have the "knowledge" to answer this.
Essentially my childhood was stolen from me.

You my beautiful babies, you will have amazing lives and you will have to tell me.
Just stay young my loves!
Don't be in a rush to grow up.

I LOVE YOU THREE!

Love At First Sight

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 12 Feb 2014 22:14:00 +0000

Do I believe in love at first sight?

That is a very interesting question. It's going to be difficult to answer.

I want to say yes and no.

What I believe is that love is a choice. Those wonderful butterflies you get in your tummy and the heart racing with excitement to see someone will fade, and when those are gone its a choice to be made.

So love at first sight?

No: if you are basing it off of feelings, looks or whatever else it might be it will never last. You can't base love off of these things.

Yes: you can choose from day one to love somebody. You also have to keep in mind that there is a lot of work in a relationship. It won't always be good. There will be hard times and things will be said and done that will need to be forgiven by either party.

Love who you want to love, just make sure you are aware that it is a CHOICE not a FEELING.

On my heart.

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 06 Jan 2014 03:21:00 +0000

Ever since Jonathan and I split up I have struggled with trying to have any sort of relationship.

I give my all to try and make it work but something must be totally fucked up with me.

It seems like everything is going great then the chatting/texting is reduced greatly.

Then I make time to see them and they seem to always have a reason to not see me.

I just want honesty. If you don't like me, that's ok. I can handle it. Just be truthful.

I just don't know.

I guess I'm just not likable or lovable.

The Question Is....

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sun, 01 Dec 2013 19:34:00 +0000

The question is:

Is it better to be alone and live in loneliness, depressed and miserable because you miss having that connection with someone special. Missing laying in their arms. The hugs. The kisses. The laughter. The ability to rely on one another during hard times. And the list goes on and on.

OR

Is it better to be with someone and be depressed and miserable because you are totally convinced that they are cheating on you. That they will up and leave you high and dry when they find someone better. Miserable with stomach aches whenever they talk about someone else all the time. Not being able to trust (not due to anything they, themselves have done) but because of your own experiences in the past.

Since splitting with Jonathan I have tried relationships. I want to have a special someone in my life.
But after what has happened/been done to me, I find it so hard to trust anybody.

I have so many conflicting thoughts and emotions. So many things that keep me up at night. I am always tired because I don't sleep well.

I love love. I want love. I need love.

As someone told me once before, I am a walking contradiction.
I agree with this so much.
Listen to these two poems.
I relate to both of these poems, and they really have nothing in common, yet they both talk about things I struggle with daily.

Depression

Anxiety

My life.
I really don't know where to go with it.
I don't really don't know what I do next....

Life and it's strange ways....

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Mon, 28 Oct 2013 03:58:00 +0000

I have been thinking a lot lately about life.
About me.
About others.
About everything.

Me....
Ahhhhh. Damn it. I changed my mind on posting this. I think it will be a personal journal entry. :/

I am so going to turn this post around 100%.
No need to focus on negative stuff.

So lately I have been couponing.
I have been saving so much money.

Ok.. My mind is MUCH too scatterbrained tonight. I don't think this posting thing is going to be a very good idea.

.....

Sleepy girl :), a photo by jonathanandcari on Flickr.

I caught him reading a paper insert. My word he's toooo cute for his own good!, a photo by jonathanandcari on Flickr.

A post

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 05 Sep 2013 03:31:00 +0000

So, now that I finally have a chance to sit at a computer and type out a post, I shall.

I have been so busy lately, between three kids, school and full-time work, I don't get a lot of time to sit and write.

Judah started second grade.
He loves his teacher and is having so much fun. He still hates homework, but I tell him it's a part of life. We all have things we have to do that we don't necessarily want to do. We have to do them anyway. He is a smart kid. I know I say that all the time, but he really is. It amazes me to hear him talk about things and hold conversations with him. I think he teaches me just as much, if not more, that I teach him.

Ora started kindergarten.
She too is super smart and I love her dearly. This kindergartner uses words like "particularly". I mean really? Child. You are only 5! Stop trying to be so big. :) She too loves school and was SO happy when she saw it was me picking her up from school. That grin is precious and I love her to death. My little cuddle bug.

Ari started.... talking.... a LOT!
Ari is such a typical boy. He is a daredevil. He is also naughty. My rotten boy. But he is cute and I can see him changing so much. He is also still a BIG boy. The other day I went to pick up my nephew, who is 5 months younger (who for a while there was about to pass Ari up) and I braced myself to pick up a child Ari's size. Not so much. I felt like I was about to throw poor Ben with the force I but behind picking him up.
Ari is built like a little linebacker. Big boned and husky. LOVE!

Some conversations I have had with the kids.

Judah: Mom, I did some of my homework. Will you do the rest?
Me: No, son. That is your homework and your responsibility.
Judah: But I did most of it. I just want you to finish it for me. PLEASE?
Me: Judah, you need to do it. You are smarter than me. I don't know how to do that.
Judah: No, you're smarter.
Me: Nope. You are the smartest.
Judah: Mom, I'm only smarter at video games. You are smarter with homework.

HAHA, my dork. Thinking he can actually talk me into doing his homework.

Me: Judah, how was your first day of school?
Judah: Good. I like my teacher. She's very nice.
Me: That's wonderful!!! So.... Do you have a girlfriend?
Judah: *grumbles while smiling*
Me: Who is it?
Judah: .........
Me: Is it H_____? Is it V______?
Judah: *glares at me*
Ora: His girlfriend is V_______!!!!!! He's just too embarrassed to say it.
Me: Is that so? Who's your boyfriend Ora?
Ora: *grumble while smiling*
Judah: What does his name start with?
Ora: "J"
Me: Ohhhhh. Is it J1_____?
Ora: Not particularly. Kind of.
Judah: It's J2____!!!!!!
Me: Awwwww. J2____???? How cute!

I love teasing my kids. They think it's hilarious!

Ari always wants to see himself when being recorded or having pictures taken.
If he can't see himself he says "I WANT ARI!!!" "SEE ARI!!!"
HAHA. My silly boy.

And he catches me off guard with all his new words.
Today I made him a nutella sandwich and he goes "SAMMICH!!!"
And when he says "You k, mommy?"
And tonight when I put him down for bed he says "uh hug! uh kiss!" so I gave him a hug and kiss. Then when I was leaving the room he says "Uv you. Goodbye. Nigh-Nigh"

I just can't believe how big they are getting.
How smart and how gorgeous.
How loving and caring.

I found a baby picture of Judah and I literally like bawled all night thinking about how they all are supposed to be babies still.
But life doesn't work that way. I know 5 years down the road I will find pictures of them now and just bawl thinking. My boy is supposed to be 7. Or my girl is supposed to be 5. My baby is supposed to be 2.

It never ends. My amazing children.
I love them more than anything in this world!!!

A Song I Take to Heart

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 24 Aug 2013 05:03:00 +0000

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QaXr2vGDQwk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

On lunch

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 24 Aug 2013 03:32:00 +0000

I have gotten almost nothing done in my department tonight. Why?
Every time I turn around I have customers asking me for stuff. Its been a rough night.

I am just now on lunch at 8:40 and I get off at 10. And I still have to do my last 15min break. Well at least I will have a quiet night hiding away from customers.

I can feel myself slowly reverting back into antisocial mode.

I hate it but my thoughts of people not liking me are coming back. I want to have a little get together at my apartment but have convinced myself no one would come.

I've also convinced myself that no one will ever fall in love with me again. I'm convinced no one has ever been in love with me. I swear I have some big character flaw that I just can't see.

I mentioned in an earlier post about a mother and daughter who came in and spoke with me. The mother (we shall refer to her as "C") was wise and really opened my eyes to something I never thought of before.

She told me that if a man doesn't give you what you have been giving yourself and is taking away from you rather than giving that its not worth it.

I started thinking about it all and realized that I haven't had the type of relationship where I was given to rather than taken away.

Now this is not a "throw my ex under the bus" post just experiences that I had and how what "C" really resonates with it all.

So before I got married I was very athletic. I never wanted to stay home. I was an outdoorsy type of girl. I loved camping, hiking, fishing and going on walks. I also loved to just go out to things even if it was to just go to a local animal shelter and visit the animals.

When I was married, I would beg him to come with me. I begged him to go camping and stuff but he always refused. He insisted he stay home and I take the kids.

This is where the words of wisdom from "C" hit home.

I feel as though those things in my life were taken. I haven't been camping in like 10 years. I've been fishing once, only because my dad took us. I had these things taken from my life rather than having things added to my life.

I became incredibly lazy. Gained a shit ton of weight. Became depressed, lethargic and antisocial. So my life was turned upside down.

Maybe no one will fall in love with me again because I have high expectations? I don't feel like they are too high though. I just want someone to add to my life. I don't expect them to make me their entire world or buy me everything or whatever. I want quality time. I want cuddles. I want love. I don't think I will find it :(

I don't want a man to just rely on. I am working supporting myself. I can take care of myself. I want the companionship. I want to go out and hang out. Its hard to put into words and I'm tired.

I'm tired of men taking advantage.

I have major trust issues.

I just... I know what I want. I don't need a man to fulfill my life. I just want a partner. I don't know if it will happen....

Too much in my mind right now.

I gotta get back to work. I may continue this tomorrow.

Goodnight for now.

In my daughters eyes

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 18:25:00 +0000

Happy Birthday my gorgeous girl!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxPnAOMpbqA&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Ora Koryn

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Wed, 21 Aug 2013 23:55:00 +0000

Tomorrow my beautiful little lady will be <b>5 YEARS OLD!</b>
How is this even possible?

Ora Koryn,

My beautiful, sweet, loving, dramatic little 5 going on 16 year old girl, I love you to death. You are so smart. So nurturing. I love how you love to cuddle, even though you plop down on me an make it hurt. I guess love hurts sometimes ;). So have such beautiful blue eyes and you are going to be quite the heartbreak to all the boys when you grow up. Daddy is going to need himself a rifle to chase all those boys away.

You are so wonderful and I love how your little face lights up whenever you receive a gift.
I don't have a lot of money, so I can only get you little things, but you appreciate them. You get so happy and give big hugs and loves. Your love language is totally gifts. You love receiving gift even if they are just little.

You are my silly girl and I look forward to all the laughs we will have as you grow!

I love you little lady!
Love Mommy

Happy Birthday gorgeous!!!

11:30pm

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 20 Aug 2013 06:02:00 +0000

So much has been happening. Good stuff!

School is going wonderfully! I still love it (became a "lamplighter") 4.0 GPA.

I am living on my own now in a little studio apartment and its nice to have a place called "home" instead of crashing on peoples couches.

I am continuing to lose weight.

I'm getting to know so many wonderful people through school and work.

Again, the only downfall is bring away from my kiddos! Yet, I do see them every time I get the chance. I love hugging them and kissing their little faces.

Judah could do without all of that though since he's "all grown up and stuff" now at 7 years old. No more cuddles for mommy, unless he's sick, then he wants the cuddles.

Miss Koryn-ee face is still a cuddle bug but her way of trying to get cuddles is to walk over and flop on top of you and continue flopping around lol. Goofy girl but she is a sweetheart.

Ari. He doesn't cuddle but he will give hugs and kisses. When I'm coughing he comes up "uh you k mom?" Such a sweet boy but also rotten. He is so mischievous. Tell him no and he grins with a look of "I'm so cute, you can't be mad at me".

I had a big blessing at work.

A mother and daughter came up to me and spoke words of wisdom, truth and encouragement. I had a good cry with them. They were so sweet and the daughter said "I just want to take her home with me".

I just can't put into words how grateful I am that there are good people in the world still. Strangers who love and care about others just because that's in their heart.

Despite having all these new people in my life who I love and care about there is something else...

I'm not going to lie about it, but I miss companionship.

I miss sleeping in someones arms.

I miss romance.

I miss dates.

I miss holding hands.

I miss kisses.

It feels a little like something is missing in my life, but I continue to hold onto hope that "he's" out there. Hopefully not too far away, but out there nonetheless. It just seems anyone I'm interested in, isn't interested in me.

I try and drop hints/clues but nothing comes of it.

I always think, "someday" and start singing "someday my prince will come". Silly huh?

I've also just given up on trying to be what I think someone wants.

I am me.

I am goofy.

I and a dork to the max.

I crack cheesy jokes and laugh at myself.

I'm sarcastic.

I am loving.

I am faithful.

I am caring.

My heart aches to share my life with someone who can accept me for who I am.

For my ups and downs.

For my lack of tact.

My baggage and Lord knows I have a bunch.

I am not the person I was in high school.

Hell, I'm not even the person I was 4 months ago!

I have grown.

I have become wiser.

I have learned to be happy and to not let others determine my mood so much.

Only I can make myself feel a certain way and I choose happy!

I choose joy.

I choose to live a positive life!

Been a While

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 20 Aug 2013 05:28:00 +0000

Oh my life has been so crazy, busy and fun.

So school is going well and I am loving it. I am learning a ton and have made some good friends.

I also got a full-time job!
Nothing spectacular but hey its a job.
I like the people I work with, we laugh and joke around and even though its stressful at times, the moments we can chat are worth it.

My children are beautiful and wonderful and so fun! I love spending time with my gorgeous babies!

Judah will be starting 2nd grade this month and Ora will be starting kindergarten! Ari will just be a typical 2 year old.

It's so hard being away from them so much between school and work after being a full-time stay at home mom, but it won't last forever and it will make my life with them easier in the long run!

Excerpt from my journal

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 02 Jul 2013 21:53:00 +0000

There is no simple way to explain how I feel. The way I have been used and abused. My heart, so fragile, is not just broken but destroyed.

For a comparison, when you get into an auto accident, there are fender benders, which are mild, and have easily fixed damages.

Then there are major accidents in which your car is totaled, extensive damage that cannot be repaired.

If my heart were a car in one of these situations it would be the latter.

It feels as though I've been stabbed in the chest thousands upon thousands of times and the jaws of not life but of death were plunged deep in my chest cavity and opened.

Opened so forcefully, yet slowly,warranting the pain of every rib breaking and cracking to be felt.

With every crack, fracture and break, a searing pain that is so zealous in the torture being placed upon me, that I believe there was no way possible that I could be mutilated any further.

Alas, my thoughts were faulty, just as my heart has been so many times.

Deep within they reach... each and every person and ripped a piece of my heart out.

They proceed to squeeze and ring every bit of blood out of it before slamming it down on the floor and smashing and grinding it under the soles of their shoes.

They then shove it back at me and expect me to continue on with my life, as if I should be able to pick up and fix the damn thing and have an awesome life.

So many people wonder why I am so bitter...

I try so hard to be happy and to be able to trust everyone, forget that!!!

I have these walls built up around my heart, but I am so desperate for the love I have never experienced that I have let them come down way too easily.

I let people in over and over and over because I never learn my lesson.

I am a lover and want to give someone all the love that I have to give, but I now believe I am too destroyed to be able to do so.

After the worst betrayal I could have ever thought of, how am I supposed to trust anyone with anything, especially my heart?

Blood is thicker than water??

Oh hell no!! That's the biggest load of crap I've ever been fed. Stupidest crap I've ever heard!

If these people could have done this to me who could I ever trust?

No one the answer is NO ONE.

My heart is not broken...... My heart is destroyed!

I suppose all I can do is look at my wrist at my new tattoos and remember to just "keep moving forward"!

Haikus

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 29 Jun 2013 21:44:00 +0000

I have written some haikus lately.
Here there are:

Judah David

blonde hair, ice blue eyes
my bitty early surprise
two months too soon, son

Ora Koryn

seven pounds one ounce
darling dormant daughter, love
little head, bow worn

Ariah Patrick Lee

my giant newborn
one month early, ten thirteen
jowls I can't resist

Little Boy

little boy, my joy
sleeping soundly, so peaceful
tiny lids flickering

Little Man Judah David

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 31 May 2013 04:40:00 +0000

Sunday the 26th my gorgeous first born son turned 7 YEARS OLD!!!!!
Judah,
You are so incredibly special and precious to me. You are growing up to be such a loving little man! It's bittersweet and like the book I just bought for you and your sister and brother, I would keep you little but if I did I would miss out on so many things that you will experience and do as you grow older. I love your gorgeous blue/green/grey/silver color changing eyes. I see such love and compassion in them. You have such a compassionate and loving heart. I love you so deeply words can't even explain.
Love Mommy.
My Judah was 2 months premature. He weighed a whole 4 lbs 9 oz. He was so tiny, he was practically swimming in his preemie outfits.
To look at him now, you would never imagine that he was a preemie. He is quite tall and so very smart for his age.

Doubts, Anger, Beliefs

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Fri, 31 May 2013 04:39:00 +0000

I really don't even know how to begin this post.
I was talking to my mom on the way home today. I told her that I don't even know if God exists and if He does why does it seem like He is unloving.

I have anxiety and depression issues which, for the most part are stabilized.

Rewind. I just want to get this all out there. I don't have any idea why I try to hide it all the time.

So I saw a trauma specialist back in Dec/Jan and he helped me figure some stuff out/helped me with connecting dots from my past that I never considered to be a factor in my "issues".
When I was little I had a babysitter with a son.
Well the babysitter was obviously a very neglectful person seeing as all the stuff that happened she was "unaware of".
-First, she was not watching me and I fell down the stairs in my walker.
-Her son used to do that thing where you throw a kid over your shoulder and hold them (I call my kids "sack of taters" when I do it.) Well, this ass would do it and let me fall on the floor.
-He used to tie ropes around my neck and drag me around the house like a dog.
-My sister told my kids dad that she remembered him trying to drown me.
-She wasn't watching me again and I crawled under the teeter-totter with kids on it. It came down and smashed my eyebrow open.

It was at the hospital when I was getting my stitches in my eyebrow that the doctors saw the rope burns around my neck and thought my parents were abusing me.

This is only the stuff any of us can remember but the trauma specialist helped me. I told him all these things and certain behaviors I had even at an early age.
Obviously that abuse/neglect are huge factors, but other behaviors I exhibited led him to the conclusion that I was also sexually abused.

So I have all this stuff going on.
I have had these issues for almost 20 years.
20 years of praying.
I have given up on prayer.

See, God is supposed to be our "Loving Father" and He is supposed to be able to do anything.
I have prayed for all these YEARS to have it all taken from me.

I still have it. Where is He? If He exists, why does he let me deal with this?
I know that if I had the ability, I would not let my children suffer for even a minute. I would instantaneously remove any pain or fear from them. If God "loves me so much" WHY do I deal with all this stuff.

Also, aside from that, WHY, if he is an all loving God, does he condemn people to hell AT ALL.
If it were MY choice, even my worst enemies would be in heaven after death because people don't deserve hell.
If he loves everyone so much, why does he care about so many different things.

One- homosexuality. WHO CARES? If you love someone, you love someone. You can't help who you fall in love with... period.
Homosexuality, HOW is that a "sin that condemns you to hell"? Who is it hurting? The answer: ABSOLUTELY NO ONE!
Homosexuality is not like MURDER, ABUSE, RAPE and NO, people who like the same sex aren't PEDOPHILES!!!!

Me, I don't care who my kids love as long as they are happy!!!

Sex outside of marriage. WHO CARES IF YOU HAVE A SHEET OF PAPER "UNITING" TWO. IF YOU ARE IN LOVE AND WANT TO SHARE THAT WITH SOMEONE IT'S OK DAMN IT.
I understand that you DO need to love the person. You need to know that that person is NOT going to just abandon you. Use you, abuse you and abandon you. I don't believe in sex without emotional connection. I tried the one night stand thing. It fucking sucked, though I do have to say, those are better than when a man will lie straight to your face, just to fornicate and rip your heart apart and kill your soul.
Fuck anyone who isn't there to restore and build you up.

Someday my prince will come.

Ok shower time then bed time...........

Refocusing

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Sat, 18 May 2013 09:58:00 +0000

I have decided to do all that I can to focus on all the positive things in my life. Sure I have a lot of problems, but who doesn't?
Everyone deals with problems, everyone struggles.
Everyone has some aspect of their life that is completely screwed up, but there are so many people who deal with it so well.
I want to be one of those people!
I am going to focus on my children, building my relationship with them more and more.
I am going to focus on my schooling. I want to become a lamplighter at my school. It requires good grades, being prompt and not missing school. It looks excellent on your resume as well.
I am going to work to save, save, save money so I can purchase my own car.
I have so much to be thankful for. Thankful for my children, school, (possible job) and so on.
I have integrity.
I am honest.
I am pretty and I am losing weight.
I am smart.
I am a wonderful and loyal friend.
I am a hard worker.
And so much more!
When the time comes and the right man shows up, I will be a loving, faithful, and honest girlfriend.
I just need to find a man who will fight tooth and nail to be with me when I go through my issues.
I don't want to hear words.
I want to see actions.
Actions speak louder than words!

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #12

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 14 May 2013 20:50:00 +0000

#12. Describe A Typical Day In Your Current Life

A typical day in my current life is hard to put on paper because so much is up in the air.
Waking up at about 6 am, getting ready, going to school from 8-12 then homework or hanging out with friends until evening and spending time with my kids whenever I can on the weekdays.
On the weekends I get to have my beautiful children to hang out with.

I do the basics as well..... eat, sleep, brush teeth, brush hair, drink, etc etc.

I am so incredibly tired right now.
I have a lot of hardships I am going through right now.

30 Things My Kids Should Know About Me. #11

noreply@blogger.com (Anonymous) — Tue, 14 May 2013 01:50:00 +0000

#11- List 10 Pet Peeves You Have.

1. Not having any privacy. Parent's knocking on the door every time I shut it to be alone for a while.
2. People who are rude and do not have common manners. ALWAYS say "Please" "Thank You" and "You're Welcome".
3. Men who don't hold doors open for women or elderly people.
4. Boogers in kids noses. Parent's get those boogers OUT! I never let my kids walk around with boogers in their nose.
5. People who try to control EVERYTHING!!!
6. Losing things. I HATE when I can't remember where I put something. I get mean!
7. When my face feels greasy or feels dry. Weird.
8. Getting pebbles, sand or other particles in my shoes.
9. When my brain doesn't cooperate and give me the words to say until long after a conversation is over.
10. When people claim to love, care and trust me but their actions scream the opposite. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!