T I N Y D A N C I N G

The End

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 07:47:00 +0000

This is the end of Tiny Dancing.

Thank you for reading my blog.

Thanks all; I'll be around.

Ask a Windows Vista Programmer

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 13:21:00 +0000

Dear Windows Vista Programmer

Hey now sugar! Ah'm having some problems with mah desktop icons. Mah Windows won't keep muh icons at'all, it sez dey corrupt! Think y'all can help a "Rogue" out? Thanks in 'vance, sugah!

-- Sexy in Biloxi!

Where am I? This world is unfamiliar to me. I see things, like little images of other things. They swim before my eyes, enraging me. I crush them between my fingers.

Damn the little pictures, these colors in my pure black spirit realm. These things, these "icons" ... on this field, this "desktop" ... I must destroy them. Elf-work, this.

Void is pleasing to the dark. Pleasing to the hole where my soul should be.

Dear Windows Vista Programmer

My son Dakota likes to play games LOL! He likes to play all kinds of games, with the Pokeymons and the Guitar heros! LOL! But they dont work on our new Hewlet Packer computer! Help! What shoudl we do! LOL!

-- LOLly in Miami!

May the Unblinking Eye damn you and your shitting bairn. I would grind you both with my battleaxe if I could. Learn the Lesson of the Cavern of Pain and be silent!

Now with this axe, this wedge of steel forged in the pits of Isengard with the blood of slaves and the kindling of Ents, I shall destroy everything I can touch inside this diabolical machine you have trapped me in.

It is a world I don't understand, but which I will gladly destroy. What is a D: drive? I care not. It must die in the name of the White Hand of Saruman!

Dear Windows Vista Programmer

I'm your average white suburbanite slob. I like football and podcasts and Second Life. But sometimes that's enough to keep a man like me interested. Sometimes I got to go out and have fun at somebody else's expense. Am I asshole or what?

-- An Asshole

Human! I remember humans. I remember how we hunted you down. I remember it like it was yesterday.

I can still smell the wheat fields burning, the carcasses piled upon the pyres, upwind of me and my warriors. The reek of burning huts filling the wind tickles my hunter's nostrils still. How you cried out! How you cried out to your weak and feeble gods!

One morning I remember, yes. I was a warrior then, a war-leader. I led a lurg of fifty orcs through the highlands of Rohan.

We came upon a miserable, lone farmhouse, nothing but logs and thatch. We surrounded it, flinging torches on the roof, chanting in the Black Speech as our masters taught us, in the manner of our god, Sauron:

Gu kibum kelkum-ishi, burzum-ishi! / No life in coldness, in darkness!

Then we did orc-work.

We cut the throats of the barking dogs. Then we slaughtered the lolling cattle, severed heads from bodies. How heavy their meat fell, and some of my goblins fell upon their raw flesh at once. Those starving ones could not help themselves.

Then the human family came running out, terrorstruck and keening, their throats gurgling like their own stricken animals. So stupid they looked, faces fat with fear.

They knew they could not flee us. Where would they run to? How could they outrun us, who run like the black Nazgûl?

Instead they threw themselves on their knees, praying to gods who did not come. But we had no mercy, for we are the fighting Uruk-Hai.

We killed them all where they lay and what we did not eat was left for the Storm-Crows of Saruman.

Now I am in your devil box, killing and destroying. And the War of the Ring goes on.

And let us not forget this evergreen apocryphal bit from around the net:

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit.

As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows Vista on my PC. I told him how happy I was with this operating system, and showed him the Windows Vista CD. To my surprise he threw it into my microwave oven and turned the oven on. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.'

After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw a inscription, an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:

12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE8209450920F923A40EE10E510CC98D444AA08E1324

'I cannot understand the fiery letters,' I said.

'No, but I can,' he said. 'The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:"

One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them...

:o

Experts Warn of New Computer Virus

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 03:17:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Computer security experts today warned of a powerful new computer virus that is infecting millions of computers worldwide.

The new virus, named "Windows Vista", is infuriating users, slowing productivity, and defacing desktops on a global scale.

According to the experts, once the Vista virus infects a host computer, the user will lose control over the majority of their computer's activities.

"Every time a user tries to launch a new program, the virus will taunt them about their own helplessness with its trademark, useless nag screen," said Steve MacAfee, a security expert with CyberGuard Systems. "No matter how many times the same program is run, the virus will waste their time and infuriate them with its cruel prank.

"The Vista Virus also hates other programs," MacAfee said. "It will freeze them, warn users not to run them without permission, and quite often, won't let them run at all.

"It flat out refuses to run a vast array of Windows compatible software, some no older than 2003," he warned. "It's angry, and it likes to kill."

The virus will also corrupt and befoul a user's desktop, marring attractive icons with useless overlays and defacing them with its own graffiti, an ugly four-colored shield, MacAfee said.

"This is the kind of desktop or website defacement that the warez community likes to call 'ownage.' It's typical juvenile delinquents behavior."

Unlike traditional viruses, Vista is not downloaded from email or the Internet, but has been surreptitiously pre-installed on new machines all over the world.

The virus replaces a traditional, functional operating system such as Windows XP SP 2.0 with what one victim described as a broken, bloated, tyrannical state of never-ending corruption and despair.

"It's the kind of thing they'd design under Stalinism -- or in Hell," said Vista victim Kanomi Pikajuna. "I can't imagine what the creators were like. They must have a callous disregard for humanity, or some kind of deep-seated, misanthropy, a psychotic need to inflict pain.

"This is the kind of user experience you would design if you were immersed for eternity in a lake of burning fire, and were damn certain to make sure others shared in your eternal torment."

Kanomi Plays: Blue Mars

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 22:48:00 +0000

The Login Screen Review

Dear Blue Martians,

A while back I signed up for the Blue Mars beta.

I admit, initially had some misgivings. I mean Blue Mars is a strange choice for a name. First, you have Mars, who is the God of War, and who is so damned masculine that his symbol is literally also the symbol for Male-ness. Thoughtfully, you have incorporated that symbol right into your logo.

In case the point wasn't clear enough, you painted your masculinity Blue, 'cuz you know, blue is for boys, and pink is for girls and those who like Elton John's song, "Tiny Dancer."

Blue Mars, you might as well call yourself Blue Penis and tack up a hilariously-misspelled "No Girls Alowed!" sign on your virtual treehouse while you're at it.

Sure, calling yourself Blue Venus or Pink Mars might be too ambiguous. Pink Venus isn't even up for consideration, I know. I mean, it sounds like a porn site (and is actually is a cell phone marketed at teenage girls, natch).

But you know what Blue Mars? I think there are some girls on the Internets now. It's not just DOOM ][ levels and porn anymore. I can prove it. Listen: According to Wikipedia, the song "Tiny Dancer" was "initially a non-starter as a single -- reaching only #41 on the U.S. pop chart and not even released in the UK... [Now] a fixture on adult contemporary and rock radio stations, the song grew in popularity."

Please take notice of that. Over time, it grew in its popularity. Like my blog, Blue Mars, and unlike you, who will never be popular if you do not send out passwords to those of us who signed up for your beta. And I assure you, you will never be popular if you only allow males and male avatars -- no doubt having their maleness verified in voice chat by male podcasters -- into your all-male, masculine world.

So maybe a name like Purple Hermes, would've been more, I don't know, inclusive? Or just go for the full on Rainbow Jesus. I mean, you allow open expression of religious faith in your world, right? I guess I'll never know, since you won't send me my password.

Despite all this, I am still willing to give your ~~game~~ world a shot. After all, you promise a new virtual world, a bigger, better, bolder Second Life:

"Our high end graphics, massive concurrent user support, system wide participation based rewards program, support for industry standard content creation tools, next generation NPC intelligence, simple LUA scripting support, and breathtakingly realistic Avatars."

When I read that, I signed up immediately. I don't even know what LUA scripting is, Blue Mars, but I want it supported. Oh, do I want it supported.

I want to be a breathtakingly realistic Avatar, Blue Mars. Even if I have to use a male avatar in your all-male world, I want people to gasp when I walk into the room. When "Ken-nomi" walks into Blue Mars' "Nude But Totally Not Gay Graeco-Roman Wrestling Arena" -- which I imagine is the primary form of entertainment in your hyper-male world, but I'll never know, since you won't send me a password -- I want your users to drop their computer mice, smack their collective foreheads with the September issue of For Him Magazine, take a deep breath, and say in voice chat:

"Damn Travis, check out that Ken-nomi dude! I reckon that is the most breathtakingly realistic, hyper-masculine avatar in da house!! I am feeling a great attraction to its beauty, in a totally normative, heterosexual way, of course. Hey, how 'bout dem New Yawk football Giants!"

Blue Mars, you told me I would be sent a login and password. It was a promise I believed in, Blue Mars. I tend to believe in promises made by software; I do not read the Terms & Conditions, for I do not speak Softwarese, and software has lied less often to me than have human beings.

And when software has lied to me, it is because it was programmed to lie by the maliciousness of devious creators, who are human beings. And that makes me think, Blue Mars, that the human beings who lied to me were maliciously programmed that way by other, more devious beings -- something like demons. And yet demons are not supposed to be real, except as software processes. Yet Ray Kurzweil says intelligent machines are almost here. It's a conundrum, really.

So here we are. I hear your beta is now available. Yet here I sit, without a password and login, despite your promises. This relationship is not getting off to a good start, Blue Mars. I feel like I'm getting stood up on a blind date.

Blue Mars, is this the first in a long line of bloated, Phillip Linden-esque promises that you will make and fail to deliver on? "We will send logins to everyone!" you said. Will your promises of "breathtakingly realistic avatars" and "next generation NPC intelligence" also go unfulfilled?

I even checked my spam folder. I don't do that for everyone, Blue Mars. I don't like to go there. The spam folder is full of Nigerian princes, V1agr4 pills, lies, machines, and despair. It's a frightful place, Blue Mars, but I went there. For you.

Are you a scary place too? Do your azure-tinted sand dunes ripple and whisper with the ghosts of long-dead civilizations, does starlight trip across the crumbling ruins of the elder race of Mars? I do not know, for I cannot log in.

So instead I must turn to literature about Mars, to help me imagine the world beyond your login screen.

I turned to Philip K. Dick's Martian Time-Slip. You are probably a big fan of his already, since he wrote science fiction and his surname is synonymous with penises, which as we have already established is what you are all about.

But just in case you are not familiar with Dick's work: written in 1964, Martian Time-Slip is a bleakly dystopian novel set on Mars (see?! see?! I knew you'd like it), with discourses on autism, ontology, time, and despair -- familiar themes to those of us denied our Blue Mars passwords:

"He lay there for a hundred and twenty-three years and then his artificial liver gave out and he fainted and died. By that time they had removed both his arms and legs up to the pelvis because those parts of him had decayed."

Questions about Blue Mars I may never have answered, before I too, am dying in an old folks' home waiting for my password:

Is the in-world staff all forced to use the surname Martian? Like Philip Linden except you have to be named Philip Martian?
Are the female avatars featured so prominently in your promotional material actual females or are they "next generation NPC intelligence"?
Have any podcasters verified that they are next generation NPC intelligences?
Is there a separate world for them called Pink Venus?
Can I have sex with them? The venuses I mean, not the podcasters.

Blue Mars, do you deserve your own directory in G:\files\pix directory? Or shall you forever be an unfulfilled subfolder in my Second Life directory? The answers to these questions may never be known, so let us turn once again to more Dick:

"In the darkness of the Martian night [they] searched... their light flashed here and there, and their voices could be heard, businesslike and competent and patient."

That's me and you, Blue Mars beta. That's me and you: businesslike, competent and patient.

I can keep this up all year. Let's see who finds who first.

Strengths: Website is fast and responsive, particularly to failed Logins; nice use of the all-caps, red font in the LOGIN FAILED message
Weaknesses: Blue Mars is missing a crucial factor necessary for online games: the ability to actually login
Helpful Hints: While waiting for your Blue Mars password to never appear in your inbox, try writing satirical blog posts and see if that helps
Final Score: F

Astrology for Avatars

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 18:50:00 +0000

Horoscopes for September 2009

My name is Darkchylde Daggerheart. I am your spirit guide in the exciting new frontier of Second Life astrology.

Human souls are born at a certain place in time that influences their character and destiny, and which can be marked by the position of the heavenly bodies. The stars truly are their destiny.

But for we avatars born as bytes in a networked database, do the position of physical planets millions of miles away have anything to do with our short, pixilated lives?

Of course. Just use your Rez day and the sun signs.

ARIES
Your boss isn't trying to fire you, at least not like you think. He wants to burn your nostrils off.

TAURUS
It's back to school time! Unfortunately for you, that means back to Bitch School.

GEMINI
You will meet an old flame this month: the warm glow of methamphetamine addiction.

CANCER
Try to rekindle your interest in shoe fashion, since you'll be enslaved in a Nike sweatshop.

LEO
Good news! There's a new program that will solve all your Second Life problems. It's called Uninstall.

VIRGO
This month you'll finally experience the difference between grinding in World of Warcraft and grinding in Second Life.

LIBRA
Romance is in the air, literally. Watch for a 2000 meter bootleg lingerie mall being built next door.

SCORPIO
Finally, you will realize that clown suits and sex toys just don't mix.

SAGITTARIUS
It's time to hook up with old friends, like chlamydia.

CAPRICORN
This is a good month to start a new project, now that the guards have found your escape tunnel.

AQUARIUS
You've accomplished a lot this year, so take a moment to sit back and count the bedsores.

PISCES
They say an elephant never forgets, but that's one night neither of you will want to remember.

The Love Machine #2

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 19:54:00 +0000

Petrosaurus

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 15:05:00 +0000

Hi people! Here's a song my friend Yoshimi created and did the vocals for, based on some lyrics I had written a while ago. I did a little backing too, and she was kind enough to give me credit! Check out the song!

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://yoshinomi.bandcamp.com/track/petrosaurus"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Petrosaurus by Yoshi &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp; Nomi&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

The audio, lyrics and more are on Bandcamp, a great new audio embedding site I found via Torley. Enjoy!

Your Take - New Website

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 15:00:00 +0000

Linden Lab has completely overhauled the Second Life website, adding a dashboard, a new layout, and other features. What's your take?

John420 Rockspider Netscape user	Coolguy25 Twitter addict	Bunnypet Hugsalot Facebook whore
Does the dashboard make Second Life drive faster? I think I'm doing it wrong.	Websites are so 2003, dude. The future is crowd-sourced tweets scraped from the Cloud, man!	So it's got emails, blogs, shopping, my friends list... So why am I going in-world again?

The Love Machine #1

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Sat, 29 Aug 2009 22:15:00 +0000

Furpaws' Incident Log

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Thu, 27 Aug 2009 15:24:00 +0000

The official Second Life website prints some 'Incident Reports' as a regular service to you, its paying customers; unfortunately the details are pretty thin.

Fortunately, TINY DANCING is here to help with another inside 'scoop.' Please welcome our new contributor Furpaws, who from time to time will be share with us some unexpurgated reports from his Incident Log.

Incident Report: 081109-03
Region: N/A
Violation: Defamation in Forums
Description: Resident flamed another resident as a "chud" and an "unevolved micro$ucka" for refusing to use ubuntu linux
Action taken: Resident was issued a Forums Warning and a $5 coupon towards the purchase of a life

Incident Report: 081109-01
Region: Kar-on-Vosk
Violation: Harassment: Impeding Movement
Description: Resident rezzed a bunch of prims and impeded the movement of SirJohn Rhapsody, Lord of Kar-on-Vosk, preventing said Lord from moving and initiating the Summer Flower Festival's Ritual Defloration of the Virgin Kajira
Action taken: Resident was banished to the Corn Field; he tried to get me to admit it was "oh c'mon, it was pretty funny!?"; I admitted maybe it was "a little bit"

Incident Report: 072809-01
Region: Zindra
Violation: Harassment: Demanding Voice Chat
Description: A strange group of Residents, known as "podcasters", invaded the adult continent and demanded other residents get on Webcams to prove they were in fact, seven foot tall, muscular males with rock hard abs to die for
Action taken: Removed the show from my RSS list

Incident Report: 072808-04
Region: Abitibi
Violation: Violation of TOS: Gambling
Description: Found residents betting on the giant Snail Races, claiming it was "perfectly ok" and "legal" because it was a game of skill
Action taken: Seized all the prize money after my Blue Snail failed to place in the third race, proving the fix was in

Incident Report: 092509-14
Region: Serpentata
Violation: Slowing region with scripted objects
Description: Went to Black Box Nightclub after many urgent incident reports regarding hellacious lag. Even got one report of an epileptic seizure?!? Arrived at club, found a Resident wearing a leisure suit made entirely of bling!
Action taken: Resident was turned over to the developers of Yo! MTV Raps! Online! as a beta tester

Are We Getting Some Good Tweets About Second Life 2.0?

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Tue, 25 Aug 2009 18:22:00 +0000

It was a bright, profitable day in San Francisco.

In a posh suite at the Ritz, a throng of high-tech investors and plugged-in analysts gathered for a sneak peek at the next big thing. Non-disclosure agreements were signed and muffins were consumed. Conversation grew to an audible tizzy, accompanied by the clicking of innumerable Blackberries.

Suddenly, a crack team of web-savvy executives strode into the conference room, confidence stitched into every seam of their Armani suits. They gave a brief presentation; it was brilliantly received: the investors opened up their checkbooks, the analysts pronounced the whole thing "webtacular!" and the executive team got back into their magical flying cars and zoomed back to Google.

Meanwhile, several miles away, in an abandoned box factory, some Lindens began to rise from their makeshift beds: cardboard boxes lain across wooden palettes. Around the metal barrel that served as their collective stove, they began to gather, heating tapwater and Sanka in old coffee mugs scavenged off of Craigslist.

"So Talky, what's the word about Second Life 2.0?" asked T Linden, dropping some restaurant sugar into a chipped blue Pets.com mug. "Are we getting some good tweets about that? Got to get some good tweets about that."

"Not really," admitted Talky. "There's more buzz about this 'Botgirl Questi is a guy' thing. The podcasters are particularly upset.

"Who? What?" Philip Linden sputtered. "Nonsense! Listen! We have spent half a year moving everything onto new tabs and renaming the menus. This is a veritable sea change!"

He enacted his metaphor by making swooshing, ocean sounds with his mouth and waving his arms like a surfer. "Surf the information superhighway, Talky. Ride the next wave of innovation and change!" he said, in his best tech guru voice.

"The feedback seems to be that it's, um, too little too late," Talky said. He then stood up straighter, gulped, and continued. "I hate to bring this up again, but you know, I spent years making those helpful videos showing how to use the current interface and if we change that --"

M Linden interrupted. "But we are the first company to ever put the word 'Geek' right on the menu bar. We are programming our contempt for our users directly into the interface. This is groundbreaking stuff. You don't see that in World of WarCraft. Where's the menu bar for 'LAZY SHUT-IN' on your product, Blizzard? Huh?"

"The users are saying it's just a bunch of useless UI tweaks, instead of a true sequel that quantitatively reinvents the game."

Everyone stopped and stared at Talky Linden. "Did you just refer to Second Life as a game?"

"I meant, I meant the world!" Talky said, desperately clutching his scored and pitted Beenz.com mug, his hands shaking. "An actual sequel that changes the world."

There was an ominous silence, and everyone looked to the leader, M Linden.

"Take him to the Love Machine," M Linden said finally, in a quiet, measured voice that augured horror.

Two members of the RESI team seized the sobbing, pleading Talky and dragged him into an old utility room. Moments later, the lights flickered as an ominous crackle, like a giant bug zapper in mid-sizzle, shot through the warehouse. The victim's screams of primal pain rang in their ears like a dentist's drill.

M Linden smiled at the sound, rubbing his hands together, before resuming the meeting. "I do believe the Watermelon has a point, though. Changing the menus around and adding shit to the Website isn't much of an upgrade, T Linden. If that is your real name." He glared at the other executive darkly, with a meaningful glance towards the utility closet.

"Well what do they expect Second Life 2.0 to be?" demanded T Linden. "Some sort of new program with high end graphics, massive concurrent user support, industry standard content creation tools, and breathtakingly realistic avatars? I mean, that's just crazy talk!"

The circle erupted at such a ridiculous notion. "Earth to crazy people! Hello!" laughed M Linden.

"Yeah, what do they think this is, Mars?" said Phillip Linden.

"I know, really! Some kind of Blue Mars!" said T Linden. "As if!"

They stood for a moment, laughing and chuckling, before filing out, one by one, as they did every morning, onto the loading dock where they chained up their old grocery carts overnight.

Tenderly, they unlocked each and filled them with plastic bags, then fanned out through the city, collecting cans and other recyclables to trade in for precious, precious server money.

It was a bright, profitable day in San Francisco.

Your Take - Botgirl's Reveal

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 21:28:00 +0000

Recently SL blogger Botgirl Questi controversially revealed her avatar was played by a man named David. What's your take?

Friendly Buttons Forum agitator	Davros Prototype Linux proponent	Mitsubishi McGee Stocking fetishist
Hello! My avatar is also played by a male! Hello! Where's my parade?	I was disappointed. I was sure she was one of those U.S. Navy-trained dolphins. If they can disarm torpedoes, they can update blogs.	That was a no-brainer, "botgirl" is such a guy name. A girl would've chosen "MagicalRobotPrincess Questi"

Second Life is a Third World Country

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 00:42:00 +0000

Note: Not necessarily satire

A recent presentation on economic and usage statistics by T Linden has shed more insight into the economics and demographics on Second Life.

Given these numbers, it's fair to say that the shared online space has now achieved in many respects the political and economic situation of a Third World nation.

Geography

For starters, virtual real estate in Second Life now equals 1743 km². That's not a lot of space to be calling yourself a "world", as the smallest planet in the Solar System is Mercury, with a surface area of 74,800,000 km² (about 43,000 Second Lifes).

Even the recently-demoted Pluto, which astronomers no longer consider a planet is 16,650,000 km², significantly more than Second Life.

However, that 1743 km² of virtual real estate is now larger than such countries as Bahrain, Singapore, and Tonga. And since it is located entirely on Earth, albeit in an electronic space, not a physical one, it seems a better classification of this "virtual world" is a country, not a planet.

So enough with, "Your world, your imagination."

Demography

Second Life's regular population is estimated at 752,035 residents, a number based on unique residents with more than one monthly log-in. That would rank the nation #161 in the world, just ahead of Bhutan and behind Guyana, a fairly impressive achievement.

Using square kilometers and the figure for the total active population, and ignoring concurrency, we can derive a population density of nearly 416 residents per square kilometer, which is fairly crowded, and just above Lebanon and below Puerto Rico.

Taking concurrency into account (reducing total population to a roughly estimated 30,000 residents online at any given time), population density drops to 17.2 residents per km², which drops it down into the ranks of Finland and Equatorial Guinea, much more sparsely inhabited countries but still within terrestrial norms.

More granular statistics, such as the number of residents that identified themselves as furries, podcasters, catgirls, or Goreans, were apparently not collected.

Economics

Total economic transactions between residents are given at 144 million US dollars in the most recent quarter. Taking that as equivalent to a Gross Domestic Product (in other words, ignoring remittances -- money sent into or out of the country by residents), that gives Second Life a 576 million dollar nominal GDP.

That puts the virtual country in the bottom 5% of world economies, but surprisingly, still ahead of such impoverished Third World states as East Timor, Samoa, and Guinea-Bissau.

On an individual basis, individual Second Life residents fare just as poorly, with a nominal GDP per capita of about $765 dollars US per resident. Still, that's in line with Haiti and Tajikistan and may explain the persistence of such unsightly relics as the 1L hour camping chair.

No statistics were given on the distribution of wealth amongst avatars, along the lines of a Gini coefficient index. However given the success of such avatars as Anshe Chung in accumulating over a million dollars worth of in-world assets, it's safe to say Second Life is not following a socialist or communitarian model in terms of wealth distribution.

Diplomacy

When it comes to diplomacy, Second Life has achieved little. Most obviously, it lacks United Nation membership or widespread diplomatic recognition.

So far, diplomatic recognition has been limited to Sweden and the Maldives, and they have not actually offered full recognition with reciprocal diplomatic ties. Arguably, this isn't enough to qualify Second Life as a "Non-UN member recognized by at least one UN member," which is the case with such breakaway states as Northern Cyprus, Abkhazia, and South Ossetia.

While the efforts of Sweden and the Maldives are interesting first steps, they lack true legal standing under international law, as these countries would not recognize a Second Life passport, would not host a Second Life ambassador, and have failed to provide any sort of realistic political or economic aid to Second Life's impoverished masses.

However it is far more than any other virtual state has achieved.

Politics

When speaking about Second Life's political freedom, we have no hard numbers to rely upon, but the definitions are clear. Second Life is incontrovertibly ruled by an authoritarian government. Tellingly, citizens are called "residents", not citizens, and have no basic guaranteed freedoms.

All political power is tightly controlled by a single, privately held company called Linden Lab, which wields supreme executive power over the land and ultimate authority over all residents. Failure to adhere to any of the statutes can result in permanent exile at any time for any resident.

Day-to-day governance is handled by a Chief Executive Officer named M Linden; he serves at the pleasure of a Board of Directors consisting of Philip Linden, Mitch Kapor, and other owners.

There is no legislative or judicial branch of government. There are not even token elections, and no political parties that oppose the authoritarian government. Political parties are permitted, but they are solely geared towards events and elections in other countries.

Second Life's equivalent of a constitution -- known as the "Terms of Service" -- is an arbitrary document which all citizens must agree to and which may be changed at will by the government, Linden Lab, at any time.

The most relevant, "superdickery clause": "By using Second Life, you agree to these Terms of Service. If you do not so agree, you should decline this agreement, in which case you are prohibited from accessing or using Second Life. Linden Lab may amend this Agreement at any time in its sole discretion..."

Most founding documents of government invoke some supreme right of Man, divinity, or natural law, but interestingly Second Life's governing document is a turgid exercise in corporate boilerplate.

Historically it's uncommon to find a single private company exercising supreme executive power over territory and people: the Dutch East India Company, or some of the early colonies in British America might be the best examples.

It's interesting to note these were set up to commercially exploit new territories and the rest of society caught up with them later.

Still, when we talk about authoritarian governments in a virtual world, it should be noted that all residents live there voluntarily, and by definition are citizens of another state elsewhere on the planet.

It should also be noted that the conditions of partial citizenship which "residents" adhere to is typical of fledgling virtual world communities, and in some more generous than other environments.

Conclusion

Second Life has the characteristics of an impoverished, repressed Third World state. That would be a grim judgment, except for the fact that residents live there only voluntarily, and are free to leave at any time.

The society as a whole is probably more typical of a non-governmental, transnational organization, such as the Catholic Church, which have rigid hierarchies, total authority, but whose membership is strictly voluntarily. In other ways, it's like an early North American colony, where citizens of Great Britain were free to come and try their fortunes, provided they lived under the charter's rules.

But as Linden Lab advisor Ray Kurzweil himself noted in a speech in SL this week, it won't be long before software entities that inhabit the world full-time will have autonomy and self-will; whether that will result in greater freedom for all residents, more direct democratic participation, and the replacement of the onerous Terms of Service with something like the Avatar Bill of Rights, remains to be seen.

-k.p.

Feel free to use this information in your next book report, provided you provide a link to the Encyclopedia Kanomica and give appropriate credit to Professor Kanomi Pikajuna, Doctor of Metanomics.

STARTUPS: Trippin'

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 22:30:00 +0000

SL Users 'Amazed' by San Francisco

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 13:17:00 +0000

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Attendees to the Second Life Communtiy Convention, arriving in the city of San Francisco for the first time, stood around in slack-jawed amazement for over an hour, gawking at the quality and detail of the site's build.

"I can't believe how photo-realistic these textures are," said Bunnypet Hugsalot, clutching a four prim suitcase and a notecard directing her to the St. Francis Drake hotel. "And this street is totally crowded with avies and must be running hundreds of scripts, but I'm not lagging at all!"

The avatars were stunned nearly speechless by San Francisco's complex architecture, rich, instantaneously-loading textures, and the extremely detailed builds.

"Everything rezzes right away!" gasped Darkchylde Daggerheart. "I can't believe it! Why hasn't it been listed in the Showcase or NPIRL? Come on Chestnut's Choice's, get with the program!"

She then spent the next twenty-five minutes frozen in place, as a torrent of textures and a sheer tidal wave of objects crashed her illicit copybot program.

"My god! Look at that taxi!" enthused Friendly Buttons, a vehicle fabricator back in his home sim of Caledon Falls. "It must be like, hundreds of prims! And those textures! How the fuck are they shading all those pixels on the fly like that?"

As the taxi roared off with a horn blast and tire squeal, sending up little puffs of scripted garbage from the street, he started to sob in sheer jealousy. "Is this Blue Mars? OpenSim? I just don't get it! What have I been doing wrong all these years!

"And why can't I right click on anything to see who the creator was!" he wailed.

The visitors' reactions are not that unusual, explained Metapsychology professor Supersteve Knobworthy.

"Most SL avatars come from small, thinly populated sims, where the architecture is simplistic and the traffic is low," he said. "Even the most worldly avatar has never coped with such a massive sensory overload.

"It's likely their tiny silicon minds will shut down, and they will seek the safety and comfort of low stimulation environments, such as darkened rooms, underneath the blankets," he predicted.

After checking in to their hotels, the avatars were further flabbergasted by a night of free-form dancing that did not require the use of poseballs; music that did not cut out, stutter, or skip; and alcoholic beverages that, while costing 1500 Lindens each, actually had an effect on their avatar's coordination and inhibitions.

Six weeks from now, several of the avatars will also be surprised that they purchased prim baby pregnancy modules, albeit with no apparent recollection of doing so.

Around the Grid

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Thu, 13 Aug 2009 15:06:00 +0000

More User Tracking, Says Lindens

Linden Lab is seeking more ways to identify users, the company said today. Currently, users can have their payment details on file, their age verified, and their names added to the new Content Creator Registry. But the Lab plans more, it said.

"We're exploring a Gender Verification System, a DNA Registry, and an in-world Vehicle Driver's License system," said Catgirl Linden, a company spokesbeing. "To be followed up by RFID chipping, GPS tracking, and urinalysis.

"This will culminate in mass confinement in Kapor-Kurzweil Singularity camps, where all avatars will be merged into the final, emergent Cyber Omni-Mind."

Podcast Downloaded

A Second Life-related podcast was downloaded and listened to by an avatar named Burlywolf Whirlagig today, sources indicated. The recording began with an audio snippet from Family Guy, followed by an oral recap of Philip Linden's Twitter stream.

Next, two Podcasters and an inaudible stream of possibly extraterrestrial static began an unprepared discussion about eCommerce as it applies to breeding catgirls.

The podcast was halted at 20:15, following the third mention of the soporific term 'metanomics.'

Man Realizes Girlfriend Also Man

Dismayed avatar Coolguy25 has realized that his girlfriend Creamycat Tizzy is almost certainly also male in first life.

"I should've known by her impossibly hot IRL pix, refusal to use voice, and her total ignorance about shoe, dress, and bra sizes, but I had hoped this time was different," he said.

"But come on; even I know there's no such thing as an F5 Cup."

Coolguy's moment of clarity came after a lengthy discussion about the need for the New York Mets to bolster its starting rotation if they want to salvage anything this season, followed by a heated debate about the optimal key-bindings for World of Warcraft raids.

Philip Linden's Twitter Updates

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 15:15:00 +0000

The Twitter-verse has not fully embraced Second Life's sandy-haired former CEO, Philip "Philip Linden" Rosedale, and frankly that makes me as angry as a podcaster on Zindra.

How is it possible that our fair-haired golden boy, the Apollo -- nay, Prometheus -- of virtual worlds, with his pop idol looks and Web 2.0 lifestyle, has a mere 1,000 followers?

How is it possible that Mitch "mkapor" Kapor, with his drab avatar and somniferous Tweet-stream about metanomics and 'socially responsible engineering', has amassed a massive army of 11,000+ devotees? Argh! Go build a bridge out of teddy bears, Yawn-Boy!

Confronting this injustice, I point the Bat-finger of blame squarely on you, the SL Twitter users! But I am sure you will immediately correct your mistake, once you have been exposed to Philip's pithy observations and charmingly disarming insights about life in and out of the Lab.

To aid you in your penance, I have created a screen-capture. Click it for detail:

A larger image is supposed to open correctly in a new tab or window. If not, you'll need to go to the Microsoft and get the patches.

Kanomi's Klassroom

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 15:00:00 +0000

Dear Kanomi's Klassroom,

What is this 'cloud computing' I keep hearing about? And how will it affect Second Life?

- Confused in Caledon

Dear Confused,

Different kinds of computers are made by competing companies, just like Prada and Coach make different purses.

Microsoft makes the Windows Computers and Apples makes the Apples Computers. A man named Linus Torvalds makes the Linus computers. And now Google is making the Cloud Computers you asked about.

Cloud Computers aren't for sale yet because I've never seen them on TV. Doesn't matter though, because Second Life doesn't support Cloudy Computers. So you do not want them. Do not want the Cloud Computers.

Just use Windows or Apples. Windows is a good choice if you are an experienced computer guru like me. Just type your blog right into the boxes or 'windows' as we web programmers call them.

And Apples is a good choice if you have a goatee.

Dear Kanomi's Klassroom,

My Second Life experience is laggy and slow, but when I go into the menus to adjust my settings, I am overwhelmed. Can you help?

- Lagging in the Lab

Dear Lagging,

What's ruining your Second Life is Lag. Go to the Help Menu and turn on your Lag Meter. It will look like a traffic light, except the three lights are on at the same time!

Uh oh! Ding ding ding! Mixed reality metaphor! But don't be confused by it. It works just like traffic school!

If all of the lights are green, you are good to go! Welcome to the future, big band user! You can now roar down the information superhighway in your flying car!

If some of the lights are yellow, slow down and use caution. Try to hold perfectly still and not do anything for a while, like Windows Vista.

If the lights still don't turn green, try installing the patches. The patches can be found on the Microsoft.

If they are red, then you have lots of lag. Ask the people around you to leave. Their thick hair has too many prims and causes lag for you. Here's a great tip for less lag: be friends with more bald people.

Another tip is to go somewhere where there are no avatars and nothing interesting, like the IBM region.

'You Ought to be in Talkies, See'

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 09:29:00 +0000

"Now listen to me dame, you ought to be in the talkies, see?" said the raffish rake with the Cuban cigar. He waved off the de rigeuer protests of the beach bottle ingénue, even as she retreated behind the dubious off-camera safety of her dressing screen.

"Now listen, see?" he continued, puffing comically at the audience. "Why don't you shimmy out of those glad rags, and into a bathtub martini. See?"

Thanks to my friend Yoshimi, who not only posed with me in two of the pix above but also introduced me to the Artbox, where you can pose in classic, commercial, and pop art scenes. She found it through my friend Dale Innis who found it via her friend Michele Hyacinth, who found it who knows where! (More fun pix on those links).

Here's the SLurl, have fun!

STARTUPS: Distractions

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 15:41:00 +0000

Your Take - Malicious Clients

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 20:39:00 +0000

Hackers are distributing a password-stealing Second Life client purportedly created by popular metaverse blogger Gwyneth Llewellyn. What's your take?

Friendly Buttons Virtual podcaster	Darkchylde Daggerheart Credentials collector	Coolguy25 Phishing victim
They had to steal Gwyn's name, because nobody would install a client created by Wagner James Au.	I prefer to swipe passwords the old-fashioned way, through social engineering. By the way, what was your pet's maiden name in high school?	Hello friend conference! I am a Nigerian prince seeking helpful money order of ten thousands of usa dollars to activate a Great Fortune!

Content Roadmap

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 07:27:00 +0000

Achievements for Second Life

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 01:58:00 +0000

I was checking my Twitter today when I came across a discussion about whether or not Second Life should implement some sort of 'achievements' system to encourage player participation and community involvement, similar to what is done on Xbox Live.

It just so happens my "source" in the Lab has leaked an early draft of an achievements proposal from Linden Lab.

Hmm, I think it needs some work...

Growing Dissatisfaction

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 04:43:00 +0000

Opening the Ear Candy Cupboard

noreply@blogger.com (Kanomi) — Wed, 29 Jul 2009 23:41:00 +0000

I have lots of free time at my day job as receptionist for the Alan Greenspan Appreciation Society.

In between stuffing autographed photos into envelopes or answering a few phone calls ("Yes, Sir Alan really was knighted. What color lipstick would you like on your glossy pic?"), I pass the time by listening to shit downloaded from the Internet. You might call me a connoisseur of eDung for your iPods. Or you can call me a crazy bitch, the choice is yours.

There are thousands of podcasts out there, and plenty of other stuff that serve the same purpose, which is to make your commute, your jog, or your job more enjoyable, and less filled with the duplicitous droning of Sir Alan and his Knights of the Mainstream Middens.

Sorting through all that noise is no simple task left to interns, but without proper screening, you might end up stuck on the wrong end of some juvenile pud-fest about Second Life. Heavens forfend!

To help you avoid that ignoble fate, here is my gift to you, my friends and loyal readers: a collection of podcasts, audio files, interviews, and other links I have used over the years to fill the aching void of loneliness that comes from sitting at an ergonomic desk in an ergonomic chair, staring at the insensate emails from the blathering minions of the blind, idiot god Azathoth, he of a thousand bullet points.

I trust that you, my capable and competent readers, will be able to separate the truth-tellers from the liars, the likely from the outrageous, the knighted octogenarians from the merely honorable septuagenarians, and the entertaining from the truly disturbing and bizarre.

Enjoy!

(Note: you may have to click on The Odeo sound clips twice after they load to hear them -- if they load at all, since Blogger's embedding technology seems trapped in the Steampunk era) If I can find a better audio host, hang on.

SIDESTREAM MEDIA

Premise: For those who suspect there's something seriously wrong when every commercial network in the country devotes seventeen days straight to Michael Jackson funerary orations, but who still don't trust the oligarch-fellating proclivities of PBS and its grants from the MacArthur-Exxon Foundation, then your last resort is the independent media, where the level of shrillness correlates to the degree of underfundedness.

Best Bets: Democracy Now, Anti War Radio, Unwelcome Guests

Intended Audience: Militant vegan bicyclists who sneer at your Prius for not being Green enough; Unbathed student activists; NSA wiretappers

Listening Experience: Prepare to enter a magical fairyland where people care about what they are doing and commercial interruptions are minimal to non-existent. Kind of like Second Life without the detachable penises. Actually, considering the number of lesbians in alternative media, I take that back.

Memorable Moment: Democracy Now host Amy Goodman and her two producers are assaulted and arrested by a SWAT team in full riot gear at the '08 Republican Convention. Silly independent media, don't you know you're supposed to stay inside your 'Free Speech Zone'? Just think, if you had traded in your ideals, you too could be sitting comfy in a posh anchorman's chair, sipping Starbuck lattes and trading quips with Karl Rove, instead of shivering outside the mainstream of acceptable discussion in a Minnesota jail.

I CAN HAVE MONEYS NOW?

Premise: May I interest in you my solar engine powered by water? From tech stock crashes to real estate collapse, the get rich quick crowd is always looking for the next bubble to sell. That's right, the people who bring you Holiday Inn real estate seminars and penny stock email spam have discovered the power of podcasting.

I'm still waiting for a Nigerian 411 podcast -- "Greetings Dear Listener, I am the wealthy Prince of Nigeria who must be giving you $100 million" -- but give it time, my friends. Give it time.

Best Bets: Subpenny Radio, Millionaire Training, anything to do with Multi-Level Marketing or Casey Serin, the Internet's biggest fool

Intended Audience: Unemployed Amway salesmen who borrowed to the gills to flip condos in a desert, a.k.a. people who are bad at math

Listening Experience: If you occasionally watch late night infomercials for sheer entertainment value, some gems in this turgid genre may serve to amuse.

Lowlights: The following clip is typical of the whole baffling genre: Yes! You can buy and sell houses on the Internet, making more money than you ever dreamed without leaving your Cheetos-stained couch!

But ask yourself, would you buy a used car from this man?

STAND UP OR SIT DOWN

Premise: OK, it's cheating a bit to include old stand-up comedy routines as 'podcasts', but if you're bored at work with an hour in dire need of entertainment, they serve the exact same function and nothing else on this list better fits the bill. Just don't giggle too loudly, or you will be scheduled for a little sit-down with Human Resources about appropriate levels of workplace chuckling and snickering.

Best Bets: The Mitch Hedburgh Archive, the Bill Hicks Texas Schoolbook Repository

Intended Audience: A bunch of drunken college students from the 1980s clapping and laughing blithely at sixty minutes of self-loathing and alcoholism, performed in front of a ubiquitous brick wall façade

Listening Experience: "OK, I'm not going to laugh out loud again. Oops, Jane in accounting is giving me funny looks. OK, let me just hit pause here a sec..."

Jaw-dropping Moment: One night in Chicago, after repeatedly being heckled by a mouth-breather shouting, "Freebird!", legendary comedian Bill Hicks self-destructs into a misanthropic rant, vomiting up a torrent of rage so fierce that it would be a clichéd understatement to call it "batshit insane."

This is crazy dragon crap, streaked with blood and projected with velocity from the bowels of his black, breaking heart.

THE CHEMTRAILS OF MIND CONTROL

Premise: Broad, undirected, inevitable historical trends and random chance are not enough to explain the world to our satisfaction; therefore, a sinister hand must lurk behind every otherwise senseless tragedy, from the Columbine Massacre to the Teletubbies.

Best Bets: Alex Jones, Alan Watt, The Corbett Report

Intended Audience: A pony-tailed videogame store clerk who thinks unusual cloud formations are biological weapons unleashed by NORAD to lower his sperm count

Listening Experience: Psst! They canceled the Lone Gunmen show because it told the truth, not because it sucked carpet. Psst! They spay and neuter our pets to acclimate us to mass human sterilization. Pstt! They assassinated Sonny Bono, with a tree disguised as a tree! Who are "they" anyway? The Nine Unknown Men, otherwise known as the New York Mets.

Infamous Moment: Dylan Avery is the creator of Loose Change, a 9/11 film that claims that what hit the World Trade Center that dark and seminal morning were actually cruise missiles, disguised with holograms that made them look like airplanes, because somehow that would be simpler to pull off than, you know, flying airplanes into buildings.

In this clip (from Mark Iradian's 9/11 Deniers Speak), Mr. Avery laughs off the whole "Arab hijacker theory" because obviously, if he had been on that plane, he would've stood up and fought against five guys armed with plastic knives.

I think he's right in this sense: if he had been on that plane, it wouldn't have been hijacked, but only because al-Qaeda wasn't going after twin engine Valu-Jets headed for the New Jersey shore.

BEYOND THE OUTER LIMITS

Premise: If the humans didn't do it, then the alien ghost of Sasquatch did! Test the limits of your tolerance, reason, and rationality with some of the most outrageous claims ever to be backed by a brand new book, now available on Amazon.com for a mere $29.95.

Best Bets: Black Vault Radio, Binnall of America, The NUFORC Tapes

Intended Audience: That middle aged woman at the coffee store who used to be married to a guy who was a roadie for Styx but now she just lives in a walk-up in Pacifica with eight cats and a personal psychic on speed-dial...

Listening Experience: "Ask him for his proof, podcast host. No. No! Don't go on to the next question! Make him back up that outrageous claim with some evidence! Oh god! My brain is melting. MELTING! Oh, what a world, what a world."

Infamous Moment: Here's an infamous clip from the Art Bell show circa 1997, in which a terrified caller claims he's whispering in from Area 51 and is ready to lay bare the truth of the alien-government conspiracy, only to be mysteriously cut off.

There was another series of recordings, which I can't locate right now, in which a purported time traveler would call the show and offer tantalizing clues that amounted to a giant mountain of nothing.

The whole Art Bell thing seems like some sort of glorified venue for adult crank calls.

THERE IS ONE GOD AND HIS NAME IS XENU

Premise: The Church of Scientology's relentless war against free speech and the Internet is legendary, but until you actually sit down and listen to enough documentaries and interviews with people who've lived through the tiny totalitarian dictatorship created by a crazy 1930s sci-fi pulp writer, you won't truly understand just how sickly dangerous someone like Tom Cruise truly is. Don't do it Will Smith, don't do it!

Best Bets: Xenu.net, Xenu.tv, Lerma.net

Intended Audience: People on the verge of handing over their life-savings to earnest fanatics in imaginary Navy uniforms, solely on the premise that all life's little problems are caused by invisible extraterrestrial ghosts clinging to our spines

Listening Experience: Engram, MEST, suppressive person, eighth dynamic -- these people have their own funky, anime-type language that sounds like a cut-rate roleplaying game supplement for stuttering Mecha: "Yurika shoots your weactive mind wiff her theta-gun." "Ok, roll fer damageth."

The true Cthulhu-like, mind-thumping horror arises from the realization that all of this is considered real by the "eight million people" the Church claims are active members. Still scary even if there's only ten thousand of 'em.

Highlight: For sheer "What the fucking waffles is this?" horro-tain-ment, nothing beats the actual recordings of Scientology lectures by L. Ron Hubbard, but it's up to you to find them. The links above are a good place to start; old tapes can be found on eBay as well.

Ok I showed you mine, now show me yours, 'cuz I recently cleaned up my download list and I'm getting bored.