The Garden Monkey

From the old AOL archive - summer 2007

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Sun, 12 Dec 2010 13:51:00 +0000

Garden Monkey's Guide to Presenters #2

Monty Don - The Lord of Cord.

With a bizarre wardrobe fashioned largely from corduroy, with a hefty dose of the Fred Dibnah Fashion House thrown in, Monty seems to be dressing the part of some imagined Victorian artisan.

In foul weather he will be wearing a leather gillet, a la WW1 Tommies rather than something practical. God knows where he buys his schmutter, but then God knows why he buys his schmutter.

Of course his name is hugely comical. When he chose it he could hardly have known of the slowburn trajectory of Withnail & I into the nation's subconscious, such that the name Monty is now shorthand for an outrageously camp, portly homosexual . Monty Don is not phased by this however as his real name is Derek.

Garden Monkey's Guide to Death and the Maiden

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Wed, 01 Dec 2010 18:28:00 +0000

It was quite a few weeks back that I was sent a link to less than witty promo for a "humourous" book on gnomes.

I hung onto it hoping that I would come up with something amusing to say about it. But the fact is that there is nothing funny to say about gnomes. Or about allegedly humourous books on the subject.

It did occur to me to speculate that the woman's foot twitched at the end of the clip because the gnome was attempting to have sex with her still-warm corpse.

But then I realised that even Frankie Boyle would struggle to get a laugh from gnome-based necrophilia.

The Garden Monkey Guide to Herbal Radio Remedies

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 20:35:00 +0000

If like me, you are driven out of the living room by Saturday night junk like X Factor, and find yourself sat at the computer wondering what to do, you could do worse than go to Radio7 and listen to Jekka McVicar's herb programmes on the iPlayer.

Here.

The Garden Monkey Guide to Ravioli

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 20:34:00 +0000

The film Gregory’s Girl is one of my favourites, and in the movie itself there are many, many favourite moments.

In one of them, a boy is queuing for his school dinner when another “small boy*” tells him ‘Don't touch the ravioli....it's garbage.’

At which point the dopey PE teacher (is there any other sort?) joins the queue and says “Ravioli please!”

I was put in mind of this because yesterday I was putting together a blog post that went:

“Personally, I know I'm a difficult person to buy presents for. Basically, because if I want/need something enough I get it. If it falls below a certain level on the want/need threshold, then I don't bother and am not even particularly interested to get it as a gift.

That makes me a right pain in the arse I know. It also means I get a lot of presents I don't want. But that's not just about me - I've lost count of the amount of garden-themed junk I've been given over the years. There is such a lot of it about.

From the minute someone wants to buy you a present and knows you are a gardener, then it’s odds on you are going to get some god-awful gardening themed crap.”

And then tonight I opened the latest issue of The Garden to read, “Every Christmas I hope that I shall be given presents with a horticultural flavour to them and every year I am disappointed.”

I think the moral here is be careful what you wish for.
　
* as in “Off you go, you small boys”

Garden Monkey's Guide to Guardian Monkeying

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Thu, 25 Nov 2010 21:20:00 +0000

Today I found out that the Guardian gardening blog is taking a seasonal break, which seems sensible when you think that many gardeners are taking a break from being outside at this time of year.

But that’s actually kinda wrong, since the autumn/winter months are when gardeners tend to be indoors (and in some numbers online). Still, as the blog's been a bit ropey since Jane Perrone went on maternity leave I don't suppose anyone will mind, or miss it, too much.

I don't know why they didn't stick a guest editor in there (I'd have asked Anne Wareham to do it).

Anyway, in the spirit of optimism all gardeners share I hope we can look forward to rampantly blossoming new growth next year.

Garden Monkey's Guide to Losing Graciously

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 23:21:00 +0000

Whilst I’m delighted to be nominated for an award (any award even), it’s tempered somewhat by the certain knowledge that I won’t win.

I never win anything. Not even in my own awards.

It‘s further tempered, distempered even, by the fact that that Comeback Of The Year looks like being won by La Titchmarsh.

But what awards am I talking about I hear you ask?

Why the OMG Awards of course.

It seems all the more unfair since being rubbish seems to be universally rewarded these days c/f Wagner, Anne Widdecome, Gillian McKeith, etc.

Garden Monkey's Guide to Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Mon, 22 Nov 2010 21:14:00 +0000

Having looked for it and failed to find the joke, I can only assume that it was posted on my old AOL site.

So in the interest of completeness, here it goes:

“What did the slug say to the snail?”

“Big Issue, Sir?”

Garden Monkey Guide to Gardening Advice Columns #10.

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Sun, 21 Nov 2010 21:29:00 +0000

Once again, some more gems of Garden Wisdom from the man who is widely regarded as the expert‘s expert..

Notes from a Small Shed.

Gardening expert Chester Hunt answers some more questions.

Q. Bindweed is taking over my garden. How can I get rid of it?
A. Ches says. The answer to that is as easy as pie.

Simply sell the garden to a garden-grabbing developer, there doesn't seem to be any shortage of the rapacious bastards around.

Q. Which plants are best for butterflies and moths?
A. Ches says. Who do you think I am David Attenborough? You’ll be asking me what plants are good for greenfly next. This is supposed to be a gardening column you know?

Q. I have a new allotment which is plagued by pigeons and wonder if scarecrows really work. There are several on my site and they seem pretty ineffective.
A. Ches says. I recall, some years ago, my sister Marjorie telling me that her husband Norman had some sort of inflatable woman that he kept in his shed to use as a scarecrow.

I don‘t think it worked very well because when I asked him about it he looked very embarrassed and denied all knowledge of it.

So I think the answer is no. Or at least not as well as a four-ten.

The Garden Monkey Guide to the Sigh of the Times

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 20:56:00 +0000

There was a times when the Radio Times was completely partisan and would big up any TV programme produced by the Beeb, even if it were the most god-awful crap.

Similarly TV Times would do the same with whatever was on ITV.

I don’t know about the TV Times, or even if it still exists, but these days the Radio Times is more balanced and actually contains some often quite severe criticism of BBC content.

They’re certainly not major fans of Alan Titchmarsh’s Garden Secrets.

In the review for week one they chided him for wearing "an unpleasantly shiny shirt". By week two they were “already getting a little bit bored with the sequence showing Titchmarsh’s trundling wheelbarrow” and next week they accuse him of cheating on the “How To..” segment.
Still at least they are watching it.

I’m not, and don’t know anyone who is. Apart from Harry Hill.

With him being on many TV channels, not to mention the radio, has the nation got a bit “Titchmarshed Out?”

The Garden Monkey Guide to The Good Life

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 20:08:00 +0000

One of my favourite ever quotes is from an occasion where John Lennon was asked, “Is Ringo Starr the best drummer in the world?” and replied “He's not even the best drummer in The Beatles."

I was reminded of this the other night whilst watching “Giles and Sue Live The Good Life”, where Joe Swift was lauded as someone who “knows practically all there is to know about growing your own organically”. [at 34.24 min BTW].

Of course this is an entertainment programme, I know that, I’m not stupid.

Let me rephrase that….this is an entertainment programme, I know, I’m not that stupid. But it did occur to me that they could have got someone who really knew their onions so to speak.

I guess they thought it might be too samey after drafting in, earlier in the programme [from 21.49min], organic guru par excellence and part-time Rambling Sid Rumpo tribute act, Bob Flowerdew, to help make some of The Good Life’s fabled ‘Peapod Burgundy’.

Now I’ve never found Sue Perkins massively funny, but she clearly has a comedian’s brain and knows to target a gag at the right audience. Since Bob is man seemingly obsessed at times with weeing on his compost heap, she picked up on his chuckles [at 24.50] following Giles’ comment about a “Hot Pea/Pee” to weigh in [at 25.10] that the wine “looks like a giant sample”, and thus provoke much chuckling from the pig-tailed pea-pod prophet.

TV Gold.

The Garden Monkey's Guide to Jokes

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Thu, 18 Nov 2010 21:51:00 +0000

One of my favourite ever jokes is the Big Issue/Snail one [leave a comment if you need a link] and so I LOVE this one - courtesy of Popbitch.

"My racing snail was not winning races any more, so I decided to remove his shell to make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work. If anything it made him more sluggish."

The Garden Monkey's Guide to Mistaken Identitity

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Wed, 17 Nov 2010 21:49:00 +0000

In my teenage years I had a friend who was known simply by everyone as “Jonesy”.

That friend had called the house one day, whilst I was out, so that when I arrived home my mother reported, “Jonesy rang”, At which point my youngest brother launched into a full-blown ‘Don’t Panic! Don‘t Panic!’ rendering of Clive Dunn’s character from Dad’s Army.

My mother looked at him indulgently, before coming out with a line that has passed into family lore:

“Not THAT Jonesy.”

(I should point out here that I wasn’t someone who the casts of 1970s sitcoms phoned up on a
regular basis).

Similarly I was amazed to learn (via The English Garden magazine) that Katy Price is ‘Team Leader of Alpine and Woodland display at Kew Gardens.

A curious development for a glamour model with a penchant for pneumatic surgery, appearing in idiot-opium celebrity magazines , and marrying strange men.

But then I realised “It’s not THAT Katie Price.”

Garden Monkey's Guide to Cack & Kecks

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 21:30:00 +0000

Whilst I’m constantly learning things, they mostly seem of little or no significance. And as the years rattle by like backwater stations on a high speed train line that seems to become more and more the case.

Now don’t get me wrong I’m not getting all chin-stroking on questions about the meaning of life, but I would just like some of the trivia that bombards us all to actually make my life richer. But this week I have learned something minor that has filled a small gap in my knowledge that I have often wondered about over the years.

In the song My Old Man’s A Dustman, the pater familias wore “Cor-Blimey Trousers” and many’s the time I have wondered what exactly they were.

But this weekend in the Observer’s Food Monthly Magazine, I learned that The Lord Of Cord Monty Don, used to be a dustman, from which I deduce that Cor-Blimey trousers are in fact some kind of corduroy pantaloons.

Garden Monkey Guide to Gardening Advice Columns #9.

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 22:49:00 +0000

Well at long last I’ve tracked down the man who makes Gardeners’ Question Time look like CBeebies and persuaded him to share some more of his vast horticultural wisdom.

Notes from a Small Shed.

Gardening expert Chester Hunt answers your questions.

Q. Is it possible to protect my fruit crops from birds?
A. Ches says. When I was a young apprentice we used to hang a number of wire cages, each containing a cat, in cherry trees to scare off blackbirds. If I recall correctly the rate was one cat for every two feet of fruit-bearing branches. You might like to try it. The old ways are generally the best.

Q. My plum tree flowered but did not fruit. Why?
A. Ches says. There may be many reasons why fruit trees do not produce a crop, but having studied the photo you sent in, the main reason that your tree has not produced plums is because it is a magnolia.

Q. Next year I would like to grow some pumpkins for Halloween. What variety do you recommend?
A. Ches says. I find that Munchkin is excellent. It is a dwarf variety and the fruit fits snugly in the palm of the hand and is the perfect weight for lobbing at the heads of any children who turn up doing that American "Trip or Treat" nonsense.

It's nothing more than begging if you ask me.

And plenty of adults aren't any better.

Last June my sister Marjorie came home early to find her husband Norman dressing up in her underwear. He said he was planning a "Rocky Horror Show" costume ready for next Halloween. Would you believe it? A grown man dressing up like that and going round the neighbourhood and asking for sweets? No wonder the country’s in the state it's in.

Garden Monkey's Guide to Hanging Baskets

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Tue, 26 Oct 2010 20:52:00 +0000

There are some things in life you should never do.

For instance, name a child Obidiah Hornswoggle.

Especially if it's a girl.

Another thing you should avoid at all costs is the hanging basket.

Not only are the things dreadful beyond all human reason, they are bloody dangerous.

I hope the poor lady makes a full recovery

Garden Monkey's Guide to The Campaign Trail #2 - The doubts set in

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 20:09:00 +0000

They say it's darkest before the dawn, but I'm not sure my Nigel Colborn for GQT campaign is going to be a roaring success.

Not that Nigel isn't eminently suitable candidate to inject a bit of wit and fizz into the programme, but the fact is I only got 5 comments in relation to my call to arms and one of those was from the man himself, suggesting I was taking the rise.

Of course there may be a large silent majority in favour of my contender, but I think the likelihood is that most people think of the programme, as The Inelegant Gardener put it, as aural wallpaper and don't really give a stuff - which is a huge shame.

It may also be that I'm not being taken seriously, since the failure of my Matthew Wilson for Gardeners' World lead presenter campaign.

With all that in mind, what then I wonder are the chances of a successful drive to get this guy his own TV series?
.

The Garden Monkey Guide to Resin Weasels

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Thu, 30 Sep 2010 20:05:00 +0000

Sometimes.... What am I talking about, sometimes?

I'll start again.

Often, too often in fact, life has a habit of raising your spirits, with the sole motive of being able to then smash them down from a higher vantage point.

Thus when I heard recently that gnome buying was on the decline, I was truly gladdened, but immediately stunned back into despondent dismay when I learned that this was only because people (by which I mean divots of the first water) have instead been buying resin meercats.
Although I haven't heard anyone else express the sentiment, I'm sure I'm not alone in singularly failing to see the attraction of meercats, resin or otherwise.

But the crapness of meercats is not really the issue here. It is rather that, in the same way that the English invented football, but field a national team which has all the spark of a pair of used incontinence pants, we (arguably) lead the world in horticulture, but then piss in the jelly by spending money, not on beautiful, or interesting plants, but on artificial effigies of what is essentially an exotic weasel.

And don't even get me started on "Tree Faces"

The Garden Monkey Campaign Tail, sorry Trail

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 17:57:00 +0000

Having read this blog post - or more particularly comment five- I am seriously thinking of starting a "Nigel Colborn for GQT" campaign.

Are you all with me?

"Yes We Can"

(Listen to the latest GQT prog here and tell me it doesn't need a livener.)

Garden Monkey's Guess Who?

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 17:42:00 +0000

This is taken from the press release for the forthcoming autobiography of a gardening celebrity - or is it celebrity gardener? I can never tell.

Anyway, guess who it is?

"...arguably his biggest achievement was to popularize gardening through the medium of television and move it away from the exclusive and stultifying atmosphere of a private club. "

The Garden Monkey Guide to the Idiot Box

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Tue, 21 Sep 2010 07:08:00 +0000

71 Degrees North

Although now at episode 3 I haven't watched any of this series previously.

It's some kind of reality/celebrity/endurance programme. Four words that can be scientifically represented by this algebraic formula = S H 1 T.

Tonight, according to the Radio Times:

"it's vastly entertaining to see Diarmuid Gavin go ever so slightly off his rocker in a frenzy of digging, to build his team a snow cave. He won't stop and he won't let anyone else help..."

He probably won't win a Chelsea gold for it either.

The Garden Monkey's guide to Leaning on a Spade

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Mon, 20 Sep 2010 20:15:00 +0000

Hey everyone, I'm on Carrots & Kids!

The Garden Monkey Guide to Metric Squeaking

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Sun, 19 Sep 2010 21:38:00 +0000

Aside from the fabled “soot lady”, it would be difficult to think of an episode of Gardeners' Question Time that has made me laugh out loud. But the latest programme did.

Twice.

The first time when Anne Swithinbank’s voice turned into a squeak as she tried to summon to mind the metric equivalent to two feet. (9m 35sec).

And the second was even better, when Anne and Matthew Biggs introduced Tony Kirkham in possibly the most contrived greeting I’ve ever heard in my life (13m 35sec).

The Garden Monkey Guide to Radio Ga Ga

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 13:41:00 +0000

At first I thought it was quite funny that my blog post on Swell Gel was on the Gardeners' Question Time homepage.

But then as I pondered it some more I realised that it’s quite sad.

Clearly not many people ever blog about GQT and so they have to make do with any old rubbish. i.e. my post.

So I’m making a request.

Can all, or at least some, of you bloggers out there find it in your hearts to listen to GQT at some time this week and write a blog post about it?

Garden Monkey's Guide to Horti-Halo Reach

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 19:00:00 +0000

Those with long memories may remember the Broccoli game I linked to in March 2008 and then the Brussels Sprouts game in December 2008.

Well, I'd like to tell you that horticultural-based computer games have advanced aeon's in the last two years, but...

a) I'd be lying

and

b) You'd most likely already know that, and be some right old gaming saddo, camping outside a shop, like those people in need of a life who've been queuing for Halo Reach. And they say gardeners are boring.

The truth is that the latest development in the genre is nowhere near as good as either predecessor, but does offer the opportunity to whack garden pests.

Then again, since they are a gopher or groundhog type thing (it's hard to tell - the graphics are poor), and a porcupine I suspect they won't allow for gardeners here in the UK to vent much anger, but I'm linking to it in case you find yourself bored during the ever lengthening nights ahead.

And it is actually a bit tricky to get a good score - my high score is 23 - Faster Pussycat Kill Kill!.

Garden Monkey's Guide to Sudden Flange Activity

noreply@blogger.com (The Garden Monkey) — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 18:38:00 +0000

For those of you far too sensible to indulge in anything as pointless as Twittering....

Firstly I must say I admire your common sense, and/or resolve.

Secondly, since I have only previously publicised it via Tweets, you might like to pop over and have a look at the Flange, where I am hopeful of nude envelopments.

Sorry, I mean new developments