Swimming Upstream

Sometimes going backward is progress

2014-01-12T10:08:00.004-05:00

Sometimes you have to take a deep breath and hold onto the hope that things will work out the way they are meant to be, (not how you think it should be). I am not so great at the whole deep breath thing, (or remembering to swallow whatever beverage I am drinking, but that's another story for another time). Despite my shallow breathing and my huge desire to control ALL, things ~~have started to slowly progress~~ are crawling along at a snails pace and ~~I have been able to grasp on to that sweet sliver of hope.~~I am clinging onto my last sliver of sanity.

The entrance to my bedroom

I ~~am adjusting to the life~~ ~~of a cellar dweller~~ have learned to breathe pure mold and not die and am ~~taking lots of allergy meds~~ solely responsible for keeping Allegra D in business. When I first moved here, I was waking up every morning to a spinning room, (very similar to going to bed drunk with the spins, but replace going to bed with waking up and drunk with sober). I admit I was a bit concerned that perhaps the mold may try and kill me and I wasn't entirely sure if I was going to be able to live. Allegra-D had a long talk with the mold and assured me that it would protect me from any attacks. If I run out of Allegra-D then all bets are off. I do have random bouts of dizzy, I'm sure they are unrelated...

Cheer up Charlie, you are all dead...

I spent the fall applying for jobs, going on far too few interviews and even fewer second interviews, doing surveys, re-watching the entire 6 seasons of Lost, trying not to panic, and finally landing a FULL TIME JOB! Those are incredibly rare these days!

Oddly enough, as soon as I stopped calling in my weekly unenjoyment claims, they suddenly, (3 months later), reached a decision on my appeal hearing; and... I am still unsure if I am getting any money. The wording in this letter was vague and confusing. I had two other intelligent people read it and we all agreed that it seems like I am getting some...I wish there was someone I could call to confirm this..

So, for now, I am working, saving money, and waiting for spring and warmer weather so show me my next move.

DON'T LOSE HOPE

Love and miss you Paul http://youtu.be/bE11X8uaNio

Splendid then...

Stress reduction

2013-09-20T01:07:00.001-04:00

August arrives in New England...Brrr!

Let me start off by asking, "what the hell happened to July?!". Every year, I suffer through the seemingly endless New England winters, and when summer finally arrives; I blink, and it's gone. Yeah, yeah, I love fall, who doesn't love fall? I LOVE SUMMER MORE! Fall brings on that hint of cold that's going to crush your soul for nine months. Summer is full of hope, and sunshine and more importantly warmth!

So, not much has changed since August. I am still waiting on my last appeal decision. I am waiting to hear about a job that I interviewed for twice. I am waiting to be evicted! Well, I am not going to wait too long on that one, but I'm not in a huge hurry either. I was officially evicted from my apartment of nineteen years, I only owe for August and September; isn't my landlord ~~delightful~~ a cocksucker? Let's not get into that right now. I didn't want to stay here any longer, out before twenty...that's my motto! Since I have no money, and no job, I will be moving into my families basement to ~~find myself~~ regroup. Ah yes, life has turned out EXACTLY as I planned it!

Welcome to Salem. Please Stop...

As much as I loathe this tourist trap of a city, there are many things I will miss; a red light every ten yards is not one of them. Being able to walk anywhere, running into someone I know every time I go out (this is also on the things I won't miss category), the train, my favorite coffee house Front Street.

I will be back!

I moved to Salem in 1991. I tried my hardest to find a place in a surrounding town, as I didn't want to live here, it made no sense, and now that I am leaving, (I still can't believe it), I am having mixed emotions. It's not the same city that I moved to, and I'm not the same person, so many things have changed. I have served my time... the vortex shall release me.

I have been spending my free time, (all my time is free time right now), taking surveys for money and gift cards, looking for jobs, and looking up clinical trials in the area.

I found a trial recently for a stress reduction study. Not surprisingly, I qualified! I spent the last two days going to MGH and having a series of brain MRI's. They showed me images and sometimes gave me little electric shocks on my fingers. I was waiting for the toothpicks and a little Ludwig Von to make it my own Clockwork Orange adventure, the Beethoven would have been nice...

The rest of the trial will be spent one day a week, taking a course that teaches you natural ways to deal with stress, like yoga, meditation, etc. Then we go on some five hour retreat and I follow up with more MRI's. I get to take a great course for free and I get paid $100.

In the midst of all this change, and moving and what not, I will be walking for the AFSP next Saturday (the 28th). If you want to know what that's all about, please click here:
http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donordrive.participant&participantID=422054

If anything changes, like that red light, or my employment status, or my stress levels; you dear readers will be one of the first to know.

Splendid then...

August is a bitch...

2013-08-23T20:07:00.000-04:00

I have been so patient...

Maybe the little guy is rabid...

Since April I have had NO INCOME, NO UNEMPLOYMENT, NO steady stream of MONEY. Surgery is stressful enough, add in worrying about existing and it really messes with your mind, your body, your very core. I could be far worse off right now. I am fortunate to have surrounded myself with some amazing, generous souls, without their help I would have been screwed completely.

Recovering from double partial knee replacement has been, as one can imagine, slow and painful. I have deemed this summer to be the summer of the snail. Baby steps, slow progression.

Slow is the new fast...

I have been battling with the good old D.U.A. and I have recently suffered through one hearing with myself and an agent and now I get to suffer through one more with Stop and Shop. I'm certainly not trying to cheat the system. I paid into this very broken mess and now that I NEED help, I have met with nothing but bureaucratic insanity and absolute frustration.

I'm on my last leg, I have NO CHOICE but to win this appeal. I can no longer afford my apartment and have to move, with no money I have few options, and with a cat, fewer. Even if I had money, I would be moving out of here; after 19 years it's definitely time. I have looked into roommates/sharing ads on good old Craigslist, (just to see what's out there), and wow! It is more expensive than getting an apartment with someone.The only interesting deals on there apply to gay men. I have been looking for a job and sending resumes/filling out apps. Not a single bite...

If I had a solid answer on any aspect of my life right now, I could breathe a bit easier...Will I have money and back pay? Where will I live? Will I find a decent job? Will my phone be shut off before I get any money? These questions and more, may or may not be answered anytime soon.

I haven't been sleeping well, it takes hours to get to sleep and then I wake up repeatedly until I give up and start the day again. It's like groundhog day over here, everyday is EXACTLY the same. I'm ready for change, (and I think it's all coming at once), I'm not good with it, but I'm ready. I have not struggled for nothing, I will be rewarded...

August is a bitch... It has been a struggle of a month for me for the last five years... I have come so far.

Rest in peace

Dave "Roz"umek 8/12/08

Jocelyn Callahan 8/25/08

The coolest cat I had the pleasure to

love Nipsy" sir licks a lot" Russell 8/25/12

Stay buried whiskey and every bad choice that came with you 8/30/08

Five

2013-08-05T15:33:00.000-04:00

As I come up on five years of sobriety, I have decided to share a little bit about how I came to be here and what happened those first few years.

2008 was the year I started looking at myself; I mean REALLY looking at myself and I wasn't liking what I was seeing.

I wasn't a "bad" person. I was a "lost" person. I didn't deal with my problems or my pain, I didn't want to see them so I drowned them in Irish whiskey and drugs.

It didn't occur to me until March that perhaps I had a problem. I decided to "go on the wagon" and check out one of those meetings.

I fell off the wagon about 25 days and one meeting later. I declared I was definitely NOT an alcoholic, just saying those words felt odd and embarrassing.

I drank more. After all, I must have lost some of the "tolerance" I spent years cultivating, and my birthday was coming up.

Drinking was fun! Wasn't it? I mean who doesn't want to wake up in the morning with their tongue glued dry to the roof of their mouth? Or have that pounding "whiskey/cigarette combo" headache that signifies vomit is in your future?

Right around my birthday my mother told me I looked yellow. I said "oh, it's my new make-up, wrong shade", and "I have a tan too". Ah yes, jaundice is so sexy. So is being 250lbs cause you drink as much as several Irish fishermen.

I was struggling, trying so hard to ignore all the facts that lay before me...I was going to see it soon.

A friend of mine was battling some demons during this time and I was scared and I wanted to help, but I knew it wasn't my battle. Still, I thought there must be some way I can help, or show more support.

While i pondered that one, I got news about another friend; a dear old friend. The news wasn't good. I won't go into detail, but alcohol was the cause of this horrible situation. He hung on for about a month and he was gone. I was devastated.

I still DIDN'T get it. I did what I always did and drank heavily the day we say goodbye to him.

A week later I went to an open bar wedding out of state. I packed the essentials (change of clothes, bottle of Jameson, and some coke). I wanted to make sure I had more to drink in the hotel, after I drank as much as I could at the open bar wedding, and the coke always guaranteed that I could, it was "drinking insurance".

I drunk dialed many people that night/morning...and was I ever hungover. I made it to the hotel restaurant before we hit the road and had emergency bloody marys and a plate full of bacon, otherwise the drive home would have been even worse. I called ahead to a bar at home and ordered another plate of bacon and bloody's for my arrival.

DISGUSTING. I shudder when I relive this, and I relive this period of time every year, so I never forget how sick I was. I went home and slept it off for a few and woke up to go visit my friend that I was worried about. I slept there for another hour and woke up covered in sweat and feeling lower than low.

I declared that I was done, and I wasn't doing "this" anymore...

I got a text the next morning. It shook me off my foundation. I will never forget that day and how it unfolded. A young, beautiful friend died. The details were confusing, and I am still troubled by them to this day.

Needless to say, I was off and running. Drinking heavily that whole week. The afternoon of the wake began with shots of Jameson (for strength). After the wake we drank at a Chinese joint (more Irish whiskey for me), and then I went back to my bar and drank even more. I stayed up all night drinking and doing drugs. I estimate that I drank, (probably underestimated), 2 & 1/2 liters of whiskey from 3pm - 7am...I slept, (if you can call it that), for maybe 20 minutes and had several people calling to make sure I was up and ready to go to the funeral.

I felt like the lowliest creature on earth that morning. I was surprised I didn't burst into flames when I entered the church. I was the only one wearing sunglasses through the entire service. I was mortified and disgusted and sad and confused and LOST. I went home and prayed to my friend that we just lost, and to my other friend that just passed. I WAS DONE. Help me, give me strength. I don't want to live like this anymore. I want to be a good influence and example for my other friend that is struggling too, that's the only way I can help.

I don't count that day as my first day of sobriety, as I had enough booze in my system to get a small country drunk. That day was the last day I had a drink. August 30, 2008 was the first day of the rest of my life...

This is not where the story ends dear reader, it's the beginning. It was not an easy time; life is not an easy game.

I am grateful to be here, writing this, remembering always, why I won't pick up again.

Splendid then...

"ESCAPE IS ESCAPE if i was out of booze anything but reality would do" - M.P.

P.S. I spent the majority of my life avoiding the feelings that accompanied death. I became more and more self destructive with each death. I don't know if it's because we lost so many friends, so quickly, when we were young. (Masco friends any opinion on that?) I do know that death is still a big trigger for me.

R.I.P. Nipsyrussell 5/96 - 8.25.12

Please donate to the walk I am participating in this fall. It's for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

and no, nipsy did not kill himself...

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

2013-07-23T10:31:00.000-04:00

Hi everyone,

I know it's been awhile. Any of you who write, know that sometimes if you don't use it you lose it. I wrote last night for the first time in a long time. I will be tweaking it and posting on here again in August.

In the meantime, I am walking this fall for a cause that is very dear to my heart. Please take a moment and support me. Donate as much as you are able, there is no minimum amount.

Thank you!

http://afsp.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=donordrive.participant&participantID=422054

I'm going to the Grand Canyon...

2013-03-30T09:40:00.000-04:00

This email showed up in my spam folder today. I normally don't pay much attention to my spam folder, but this one caught my attention.

It would appear that the spies working for Hoveround have found out about my upcoming double knee replacement surgery.

Looks like my independence will be regained at a much faster and more stylish pace than I had imagined.

As soon as my Hoveround arrives I will grab my coffee, fill my tote with snacks and head out cross country for the grandest of canyons. I will be all "Thelma and Louise" without Louise (or is it Thelma?), with what I consider a much cooler mode of transport for such a suicidal plunge.

Cross your fingers that I am one of the lucky 9 out of 10 that pays little to no cost!

My future just got a little brighter.

Sometimes I am not funny

2013-02-16T09:29:00.000-05:00

Echo, Echo, Echo...

Every once in a while the shit in my head piles up thick and I need to dump it somewhere. I usually try to make it funny as it easier to deal with on a laughable level, but there are those inevitable moments like right now; where I cannot find the humor in anything.

Another shit night at work...

I haven't written a blog in almost a year as I have a life-sucking, back breaking, knee quaking, soul less night shift job doing menial labor and getting alarmingly underpaid for the abuse.

There is no such thing as too many bubbles...

I can't tell you how many times I have come home so physically beat up that I just lay in a scalding hot tub full of Epsom salts and sob.

It's truly the perfect job for me; I have three herniated discs and two severely arthritic knees, so spending hours on end lifting heavy objects and being on my knees is ultimate for my current condition. My doctor is. So. Proud.

Like Captain Picard; I am a master of this technique.

But seriously, let's get back to the non-humor here for a minute. One of my co-workers has been giving me grief lately because my hours haven't been as cut back as his and he is crying that it's unfair.
Normally, I would smile and nod (my standard response to most situations/conversations with the insane), but this isn't the first time he has brought it up, and I was weakened by my lack of sleep and played into the insanity.

Me: "We all got extra hours last week, if you answered your phone you could have worked too."

*Gegg: "Well I had that kidney infection so, I couldn't work".

*actual name has been changed to protect the not so innocent.

This guy always has an excuse, and always mouths off about how he isn't going to answer his phone if they call, cause he doesn't want to work, yet he constantly bitches that his hours have been cut. Not to mention the fact that he works slower than the speed of sloth.

I. Bust. My. Ass. at this job. It's quite possibly the worst job I have ever had. But I go above and beyond; why? I. Don't. Know.

I do know that when I work a shift on zero sleep and have other things piled up deep inside my crazy head, that I can't tolerate getting crap from someone that is LAZY.

The saddest part about all of this is; that I am looking forward to having double knee replacement surgery so that I don't have to work there anymore. Who the fuck in their right mind looks forward to surgery?
I should have a lobotomy while I'm anesthetized.

Splendid then....

P.S. I have missed you all terribly and will try and make this blog a regular thing again. xoxoxo

It's raining, it's Wednesday, it's my birthday

2012-05-16T13:56:00.000-04:00

I had no idea they were available in a box!

Today I am officially closer to 45 than I ever have been. Honestly, I didn't think this day would ever come. I can still reverse the numbers and become nine years younger; and I could definitely pass for nine years younger thanks to my good genes, (I should also thank my good jeans and my mom and dad).

Do these jeans make me look lame?

How will I be spending this glorious rainy Wednesday, you ask? Dinner? Family? Cake? NOPE! I will spend it just like any other day. Laying about in my underwear watching bad TV while surfing the inter webs, listening to the neighbors down the street scream at each other, and dreading the fact that I have to work all night (and the next six nights).

Chocolate Opera Cake

This is in fact, the first birthday that I have not been at Dodge Street Bar and Grill, since the age of 24. Damn! I. AM. OLD. I won't be able to celebrate this, my 43rd year on this rock, until next Thursday evening. Until then I will be ~~thinking about this cake~~ obsessing and drooling about eating this cake ->
for the next eight nights. It's. That. Good.

I will miss seeing my friends and my family today and will be thinking about ~~all of you~~ CAKE!

Splendid then...

The Nazis are at it again...

2012-03-28T12:48:00.000-04:00

It's always pleasant to be disturbed by a loud banging noise coming from your back door at 11am. I work the night shift and thankfully I was off last night or this would have woken me up and I would be even more pissed off than I already am.

Okay, they weren't wearing a mask, but it felt the same

I opened my back door to see a Sheriff and two men ~~fucking with the door knob~~ breaking into my back hallway. When I asked what they wanted the Sheriff told me to open the door. So I walked back into my apartment, as I didn't want my cat to get out, and looked for my keys. Mr. Impatient Sheriff, started barking at me to open the door, and I started yelling at him that I was looking for my keys and to hold on. He then spoke to me in a very condescending tone, like I'm a fucking five year old, and told me not to yell. This immediately set me off into defensive mode, thanks JACK ASS. I tell them, that they aren't supposed to be here as we just paid the gas company $280 and we have a payment agreement. To which they replied, "that may be so, but we have a warrant to shut you off and that's what we are going to do."

That's what they did. So had to have the hub call, as I am not listed on the account and after talking to 5 different people, we are getting turned on again today. This all could have been avoided had they lived up to their end of the agreement. Honestly, I don't have enough things in my life to be upset and stressed out about, I needed to start my day with more bullshit.

Lots and lots of money...

I work way too hard for shit like this to happen, but because I owned a bar and made zero money, I fell behind with everything. Just because I'm working hard doesn't mean that I am making money. I am barely making enough to scrape by. Everything is going up, food, gas, utilities. It's a daily battle to survive and for what? The American Dream?? That no longer exists in this day and age. I took a job, that I am way overqualified for, just so I could make any money at all. Now that I am looking for work that I am qualified for, there is nothing there for me. Anything that I find is part-time, and pays what I make now or less.

Did I mention I have been playing the lottery?

Splendid then...

I don't know why I let it get to me

2012-03-05T10:51:00.000-05:00

I haven't been updating as much as I would like to. Working night shift has stolen my brain, and any ounce of giving a shit I may have once had. Although I am pretty certain, that I was well on my way to not giving a shit before I started this job.

I will fill you in briefly as to the happenings at the good old food factory. When I was hired back in September, store management was reasonable, professional, and didn't make up numbers on their computer that make the night crew progressively worse and worse as time flies on past.

They gave us hours and didn't tell us how much we sucked, so we were pretty content and motivated to do a good job.

I got along very well with my co-workers and my boss and was happy to go to work.

New management arrived on the scene around the holidays and for a while they let us be. Then, they started messing with our schedules and cutting our hours. Our night crew chief complained and tried his best to get us more hours.

Smiley McFuckface is very smart

Fast forward to about two months ago; we started getting scheduled to come in at midnight on Sunday (saves them an hour of time and a half pay) and leave at eight am, so now we are putting up the biggest load of the week and the last hour, we have to deal with customers (we are on night shift for a reason, we hate people).

Soon after, they started the MANDATORY MONDAY MORNING FUCK SHOW, aka a meeting scheduled at 7:30 am, thus losing a half an hour of productivity so that they can tell us that we suck. When we ask questions, we don't get answers and are treated like children.

The past month we have been getting up the full loads and getting little to no thanks or acknowledgement, in fact; we keep getting told that our numbers are getting worse.

This past week, we had a guy on vacation and a guy out sick. The guy on vacation works in frozen, so we had to send one of our guys to do frozen, which left us with three people on several nights. Not enough to get the loads up.

SMFF doesn't like questions. He's

taking his ball home and telling mom!

So, today the head honcho (aka Smiley McFuckface, or simply SMFF), starts in on us right away, no "good morning" or anything civil. When we ask questions about how he is coming up with these numbers, he gets aggravated, doesn't answer, and yells that it's his meeting and he's not to be interrupted. Someone asked another question and he snapped and yelled that the guy was interrupting and being disrespectful and then got up and declared the meeting to be over and stormed out of the room. Five seconds later, he sent one of his minions in to call our crew chief into his office, to surely rip him a new one, for questioning his stupidity, err... ah authority.

All I could say, was I have not seen such childish and unprofessional behavior at such a high level of management. This guy has no clue how to deal with people. He only knows his imaginary numbers made up by his magical computer. I have had many jobs in my life, and I have run my own business. The more meetings we have, the more this guy comes off as a spoiled little boy, that is a complete moron.

Yup, Fatty McDoucheface, in the flesh!

He and his main minion (aka Fatty McDoucheface), seem to be on some sort of power trip. They don't have a clue as to why we don't seem motivated....

It frightens me, to the core, that this world is being taken over by the greedy, the ignorant and the lazy. Oh and lest we forget the douchey.

I have been actively looking for another job, since the very first meeting. I'm an adult, I don't need to be treated poorly for little money and back breaking work. I can only hope that these douche bags fall flat on their face... It's too bad, really because I love my crew chief and everyone that I work with...

Splendid then...

I haven't blogged since last year!

2012-02-07T16:09:00.000-05:00

Dearest friends, countrymen, faithful readers;

Warning: this blog contains no fun pictures or humor! Just an update!

I haven't blogged in so long, so much has changed since we last met.

I have been working graveyard shift since September at a giant corporate grocery store. I wanted to take a job that I wouldn't have to think very much and get a workout. I was happy with it for a while. I like my boss and my co-workers very much, it's the idiots in charge that have turned me sour. They reward laziness, stupidity and greed and I don't fall into any of those categories. I work my ass off for peanuts and my body is falling apart at an increased rate.

Our reward for doing a "better" job, has been to have our hours cut. (Remember, you are never rewarded for hard work). They brought back a guy that leaves sick, calls out and barely works (rewarding laziness & greed) and have cut back all of the part timers hours.

I hope to be able to write more and tell you fun tales from the supermarket.

I am presently looking for a job where I will use my brain again, because, as you know, "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"

I currently do not have the internet at home (it's like I'm living in the ate eees), that's mostly why I haven't blogged in so long; that and the fact that I am always in a zombie like, vacant state of being. Working nights and lifting things up and putting them down, does a number on my 42 year old self...

I am no longer in the restaurant business, which is a combination of sadness and relief, (mostly relief). We didn't get any offers on the business itself, so we lost A LOT of money and we are in the process of selling the liquor license, which takes a long time. If we are lucky we might see a tiny bit of money after everything we owe is paid off.

I'm just trying to get through winter, and life...

I hope to be fully back to the blog by spring.

Splendid then...

Things that make you go....WTF?

2011-10-29T21:03:00.000-04:00

These are some of the keywords that people use to find my blog... with empty head in the lead followed closely by stubborn, shit ton, fowl mood, anorexic people, monkey pissing in mouth (um, okay...), pig penis & monkey pissing in your mouth

Have you ever seen a pig penis?

The last few entries are, um... giving me great ideas for future blogs!

I won't scar you with the pictures I found for the monkey!

Splendid then....

It's hard to say goodbye...

2011-10-28T20:14:00.000-04:00

He's trying really hard to get them bricks inside!

I have been meaning to blog for a while now; October has been very busy for me and I've been so tired that I feel as if I have bricks in my head.

Oops, I think I dropped something

Working graveyard shift has been a huge adjustment. Most of the time I wander around in a state of complete nothingness. I have all these notes in my phone for future blogs to entertain you all. I should have some more time this winter, (*shudders), to write all about the them.

Today, I am sharing something more personal.

The bar that I have put the last nine years of my life into, is going to close shortly after Halloween. I want to thank everyone that has supported us over the years. It's never been an easy gig, we had no expectation that it would be. I have a lot of good memories, for the most part it was a lot of fun.

This place has been a part of my life for almost twenty years now. I have made so many amazing friendships. I've lost some amazing friends as well... and will always remember them.

I'm not so great at ending things. I tend to hang on too long. I know this ending is necessary; many of you will never understand how much of ourselves we put into this. We have thought about this for a while and as much as it pained us to think about closing, it was worse to think about continuing on the way we have been.

Part of me is relieved that I won't be so stressed out anymore. A bigger part of me is in mourning. I know everyone says that every ending is a new beginning and beginnings are definitely more my thing. The possibilities are endless.

Someday I will look back on this time in a fond way. For now I'm struggling to keep it together...

Splendid then...

Tool always helps to put things in prospective...
http://youtu.be/uCEeAn6_QJo I sure could use a vacation from this bullshit three ring circus sideshow of FREAKS

Is this Jupiter? Cause I feel stupider...

2011-09-13T17:26:00.000-04:00

Me, after another successful shift!

I probably shouldn't be writing a blog right now, as I barely sleep these days; but I feel like sharing what's been happening with my crazy ass.

I applied for a job at Stop 'n Shop in August and I am proud to tell you all I am now working the graveyard shift breaking down pallets, loading u-boats, stocking shelves and busting
my ass.

I have more bruises than a Lynn crack whore!

It's physical, exhausting and totally stress-free and that's what I want! Nothing like getting paid for an eight
hour workout!

My first week I felt like the walking dead and wasn't able to accomplish anything that involved the use of my brain.

These looks like a great place to rest for a bit!

This week won't be as punishing as I'm not working every other day. I worked last night and I am working Friday night. I'm short a shift as I am getting yet another cortisone shot injected into my spine!

Dr. LaMonaco is EVIL!

I know, I know; you are all incredibly jealous of my lavish lifestyle! I don't know if you would be able handle the extravagance that comes with such an opulent way of living!

So next time you are out grocery shopping, please take a moment to think of the poor slobs that stock the shelves full of wonderful foods and beverages for you to consume.

And if you see me on the street or out and about around town, feel free to stop me and give me
a hug.

Splendid then...

I LOATHE the Fascistbook Team!

2011-08-08T18:39:00.000-04:00

So, Fascistbook blocked my blog from ever being posted again. This happened

a couple of weeks ago and I have submitted many requests for an answer as to

why this has happened.

It's hard to say if one of my friends reported it as offensive or if it's another

annoying Fascistbook glitch. If it was a friend; THE HELL!? Clearly you don't

understand me at all and you should delete me!

My instincts tell me that it's Fascistbook censoring my ass!

So after a week of sending help requests and getting no response,

I have received the following letter:

Hi,
 
Thank you for submitting this bug report and taking time to help us

improve the site. Unfortunately, we are unable to respond to every bug

report individually, but we are reading them.
 
Screen shots often help our team diagnose problems that users are seeing.

If you did not send a screen shot with your report, please follow the

directions listed here:
 
http://www.facebook.com/help.php?page=971
 
Once you have saved the screen shot, attach it in a response to this email.

If your issue is unfamiliar to our team, we may contact you for more details.

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The "Team" hard at work; ready to reply!

I don't believe that there are any actual "humans" on the Facebook Team;

nor do I believe that there is an actual Fascistbook Team.  If per chance they

are real then they are definitely a lively group of Hitler loving, good time

having facsists! Oh Zuckerberg what a sense of humor you must have!

Censorship & Creepy Ads about things you write - The Fascistbook way!

I can only hope that more of you will join up with me over at Google+ so we can

finally leave the ever-changing hell that I now call Fascistbook.

Splendid then...

P.S. If you want an invite for Google+ message me at: nipsyrussell@yahoo.com

What I did on my summer vay cay shun!

2011-08-06T20:50:00.001-04:00

Sadly I did not have a vay cay shun, nor was I expecting to really. I just thought it would be a to use that as a title; sort of a trip back in time to those great old elementary school days.

I haven't had a vacation since 2004 and I don't think that 4 days getting wrecked at a friends new living area counts qualifies as vacation material. (What am I a robot? Who the hell says friends new living area??) I. do.

So my last legitimate vacation was in October of 2002 and I don't have a whole lot to say about that other than it was on Nantucket and I love that island.

How I wish I was here...

I wish Optimus Prime controlled my power

So I will just tell you all about what I have been doing this gloriously short and not nearly hot enough summer.

The one day that the thermometer reached 102 is the day the transformer on my street caught on fire and blew up. It happened around 6:30 in the evening and they worked on and off until 1am when they called it a day and went home to their air-conditioned homes with their fans and t.v..

I never liked Donald Duck; this explains a lot!

Granted I was at work and didn't get home until 2am. I do like to unwind and zone out to the t.v. after work. No bother, I had candles and a little battery powered radio. I was lulled to sleep by the soothing voices on NPR. Oh those Nazis at the Grid; you know how much I love them! We didn't get power turned back on until 10:30am, so about 14hrs on the hottest day of the year. Needless to say, the little that I had in my fridge went bad and everything in my freezer melted...

Good times! At least my rude ass neighbors sought shelter elsewhere that night.

This is how it's been for months; my window is right above this heaping pile of shit

Which brings me to what I have been putting up with this summer at home, courtesy of the rude, slobby, douche bag neighbors upstairs. Polite notes and talking to them are futile!

The kicker is they weren't taking any of this to the street on trash night - an opportunity to be had every week - they just let it fester week after fucking week. PIGS!!

Mmmmm diapers!

Nice job! I love flies!

THE FACT THAT I HAD TO SAY ANY THING AT ALL ABOUT <THIS>

IS MIND BOGGLING!

Jealous of my life yet? Just a little bit?

So my landlord lives in NY and could give a fuck about what happens here. As long as he gets his money, he can't be bothered. I had repeatedly told him about this UNSANITARY CONDITION he repeatedly ignored me until I sent the pictures and low & behold the next day the trash was all picked up. Problem. Not. Solved. Despite the many garbage barrels they could easily put their stinky trash in; they continue to put it on the ground and let the raccoons and skunks have at it. Also, my hallway smells like poop and vomit - it's quite ~~delightful~~ disturbing.

My summer has really been epically fun! I have done a few nice things, like my walks in the United Nations of Lynn and I did have a few midnight/full moon ocean swimming adventures. I have a feeling I won't be having another one as it's not likely to be that hot ever again this year.

Despite all my daily stresses and insanities I am keeping it together pretty well and am fairly happy as things in my life are always changing and improving - even if I sometimes forget to notice.

Splendid then...

Distractions

2011-08-05T20:13:00.000-04:00


I see an apple, what's the big deal?

Today I am in what you would all call "denial". It's far more pleasant then what I call "reality", which most of you still get to escape in some way and I am in it 24/7. So I need a little break and I am going to distract myself with pleasant thoughts and fantasies.


My feelings for FB haven't changed

The fascists over at Spacebook banned my blog completely after my post last week. I am now considered abusive which both amuses me and pisses me off greatly. I have tried to rectify the situation, but it seems pretty futile to me. How many times can I fill out the same form and get zero response? I'm in for three times, I might do it once more today, so to answer my own question, it's four or maybe three, if I distract myself successfully! You should all look for me over on Google+, where my blog is not banned.

I could go on ranting but that isn't very funny and isn't that what FB is for anyway? So I won't get into the a**holes at Mass Health today and I will instead talk about how ridiculous Lynn Shore Drive is at any given time.

I walk there at least once a week with a friend. I will now only refer to it as The United Nations, (thanks Lynne) and if you have ever been there then you totally get that.

I will explain: It's one of the most culturally diverse places; you've got Russians, Vietnamese/Cambodian, Indian, Hispanic, Black, White Trash.

And then you've also got Mounted Police, Dogs, Bikes, Skates, Runners, Walkers, Skateboarders, Children Screaming Children, Prostitutes, Homeless, NA/AA people, future NA/AA people, poop and things that look like poop. I'm sure I am missing a category or two, and an ethnicity.

DSKE KEEWWING!

You don't want this water touching you

So we walk from the Swampscott side to Lynn, until the smell becomes unbearable and we turn around and go back toward a slightly less smelly existence.

Apparently the smell is from some algae that they can't get rid of; but I think it's a combo of that and the always bacteria ridden waters. You always see kids, dogs and overweight people obliviously swimming their silly non-English reading hearts out. I always think to myself "I hope they don't have any cuts or open wounds, or a weakened immune system", and then I laugh out loud.

My favorite people on Lynn Shore Drive are the Corpsey kids; they are usually the bored over-privileged youth from Swampscott that are eerily pale and seemingly have no feelings other than gloomy.

Her parents are rich, yet she is increasingly miserable & bored

We have also been critiquing the runners, and haven't seen a Gazelle on the shore yet. So far, we have seen the Gay Handed Runner & Robot Runner and I love them both equally! I promise I will start taking pictures.

My friend and I are pretty certain that everyone there believes that we are a Lesbian couple, so we fit right in.

I'm off for a walk, sadly just around town and not to The United Nations.

Splendid then...

Anxiety

2011-07-31T17:18:00.000-04:00

I am ~~an idiot~~ ~~having fun~~ about to hyperventilate into a paper bag

Things have been super craptastic for awhile and I; have of course been stressed out of what's left of my mind, (not much left up there). When I get extremely stressed out; I mentally check out. Sometimes writing helps me feel better and sometimes I am completely incapable of writing or thinking or functioning. I do apologize for my lack of blog lately. I have been gathering fun things to write about, but not feeling fun enough to share with you all.

This is pretty accurate

Today I am having a
MASSIVE ANXIETY ATTACK and I am trying to trick my brain into being calm by writing these words. I drank extra coffee today; by extra I mean 4 shots of espresso after 4pm. I have cut my caffeine intake to a cup around noon and no shots - today I had a ~~brilliant idea~~ brain lapse and now I feel like curling up into the fetal position and throwing up.

I doubt I would be in the fetal position crying if I could do this.
Oh Google, your image search never ceases to amuse me

I went for a walk, and now my left arm & hand are numb and I'm still very nauseous, nervous & dizzy. This is going to be a seriously fun night. What do people do in situations like this? What do you take to calm yourself down... I'm doing a lot of deep breathing and that's really just making me more lightheaded than calm.

Last ditch effort is going to be some food as I haven't had any in hours...

I am almost this insane...

So yeah, that's how I spent Thursday night. Food did help, but only slightly. I did spend most of the weekend ~~like the monkey~~ in the fetal position. All this stress is taking it's toll on me, so if you hear or see me laughing it's not because I'm happy; it's from sheer insanity. This may be the week that I drive-thru the tavern in the square...

I will share all my other insanely funny stories soon... I just need to get over this hurdle and then I can be amused with my ridiculous life.

Splendid then...

My body is rejecting me

2011-07-08T22:50:00.000-04:00

My cat would NEVER allow this!!

I'm not sure that I should be writing at all today as I am in one foul mood, (not to be confused with a fowl mood; I'm pretty sick of eating dead bird, but I continue to do so night after night).

I haven't blogged since my IBS diagnosis; if you missed it click here I know how I'm going to die

reason being is that I have been miserable, stressed out, and I came down with the

DREADED SUMMER FLU.

Uh. That's not how I was infected!

I had aches, pains, fever and a horrible dry, hacking, cough. The coughing fits were what finally drove me to make an appointment with my doctor.

I. Coughed. Up. Blood.

I don't know what this guy is doing but I don't think he's coughing!

For the first time in my life, (I was a smoker for 27 years, never a drop of blood did I hack up), at least that I was fully aware of.

Of course, ~~I was completely cured by Friday~~ things took a turn for the worse right at the start of the long holiday weekend. So I had to hold out til Tuesday; or until I coughed up more blood or my fever went higher - whichever came first really.

Tuesday came first and I did not have pneumonia or lung cancer, (although they really didn't test for that, I will have to talk to him about that), I had a bronchial infection.

I shudder to think what she did to get the tampon to come out of her nose

I have been on antibiotics for the last four days and last night more blood made an appearance; this time it was coming from my nose! I'm no stranger to the bloody nose, but still I always feel like everyone is thinking "she must be doing a lot of cocaine"

Now we know what was under that bandanna!

Every time I get a bloody nose, (it's not often, I SWEAR!), my thought process ends up in the same place ~~i did cocaine~~ it must be a brain hemorrhage! I'm not a hypochondriac, but I do panic when I bleed my own blood!

Between the IBS, the bronchitis, and bleeding my own blood from stupid places my stress level is reaching epic heights. I'm almost ready to make someone else bleed.

Splendid then...

I know how I'm going to die...

2011-06-21T22:05:00.000-04:00

Since I have given up all my "stress relievers"; most recent one being cigarettes, (year on July 9), I have been handling stress with ~~a gracefulness and ease~~ my bowels.

What's that you say?

I no longer have the proper "tools" to handle all the stress that is being hurled at me from many directions, just writing this is stressing me out. Once I gave up the last of my habits, (I still want to smoke BTW), I have been slowly and surely making myself sick; which is pretty funny considering I have been working so hard on improving my health and body with eating well and exercise and quitting all those damned ~~fun~~ bad habits, that may or may not have killed me,

We'll never know now will we?!

Ah yup

What I do know is that I'm in a giant shit storm, (literally and figuratively speaking), and all of it is about to hit that fan. No, not that one, the one to your left!

What all of this boils down to is that because I haven't a clue how to deal with my stress in a healthy fashion, I have hurt my body and now have IBS, (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), which is painful and STUPID.

Click here to find out all the fun facts re: IBS

I think it just surpassed furious, help me!

The worst part about it is I had to give up my life blood, my daily habit, one of my few reasons left to live:

I HAD TO GIVE UP MY COFFEE!

Those of you that know me well, know I'm almost suicidal over this; it's almost as bad as having to give up my chocolate, (I will jump in front of an 18 wheeler), let's not even go there, I'm scared.

This alone, stresses me out more. I don't have many pleasures in my simple life. The ones that I do have, I treasure and enjoy thoroughly. These last few days without coffee have left me as irritable as my bowel.

I don't know how or when I will come up with a good solution for dealing with all the BS. I do know that I am incapable of meditating; I just don't have it in me to sit there in quiet and calm and "zone out". It feels like a ridiculous waste of time for me. If it works for any of you that's fantastic, I'm just not a meditater. For me meditation time equals sleep and I have to take a pill to achieve that state of unconsciousness.

Ummmm, you are an idiot

So don't be deceived my calm, cool and collected appearance, for inside I'm bubbling over with INSANITY.

Splendid then...

This is why I haven't been writing

2011-06-01T21:47:00.002-04:00


I'm getting "scowl" wrinkles, it's not cool.

I'm behind and I know it.

I'm behind on everything; bills, taxes, the times, and writing... I have been making notes of things to write about, notes that say things like; bird almost flew into face, can you blow me where the pampers is, uti university

Problem is I have been really down and have been struggling to find any humor in anything. Sad, I know.

OK, this amuses me slightly.

People stop me and tell me I've got great form when i walk!

As you all know I've been going to physical therapy for my ~~back issues~~ constant source of pain. I've been ~~walking~~ limping along, (hmm, that's got a nice ring to it. Should have named my blog limping along instead of swimming upstream), three to four miles a day, almost every day for the last couple of months. The last couple of weeks I have been noticing that my left foot is losing all feeling when I'm on these "walks". Thank you bulging discs, this has been a fun eight years, I can only hope we can be like this forever!

This is stubborn? Are her brains about to leak out of her head?

I was so certain that when the weather finally warmed up a bit, my pain would lighten up as well. WRONG!! If you know me, then you know how much I hate to be wrong or admit to being wrong. I am stupidly stubborn that way, emphasis on stupid.

Where was I?

Ah, yes, in pain, as usual. My therapist recommended that I get a cortisone injection, In. My. Spine.

This is fun!

Let me tell you I've had a Spinal Tap when I was a child. My parents thought I had Spinal Meningitis as I had a horrible fever after playing with a dead mole. Wait, what? Why did I play with dead animals? I was a strange kid, that ~~grew up to be~~ became a strange adult. We'll touch on that subject at a later date. Needles in my spine, I recall being horribly traumatized, although I'm sure my age and my high fever contributed to the trauma. So all that aside, Sign. Me. Up!

Fast forward to yesterday; and my appointment to voluntarily have a needle full of steroids ~~placed gently~~ jabbed in my spine, to relieve my pain. I think playing with dead animals, had a ~~lingering~~ damaging effect on my brain.

Nice buns!

On the plus side, i had to get up very early and I barely had any sleep. I can deal with being cut-up and stabbed better when I'm sleepy. That being said, I definitely felt the needle go into my spine and REALLY felt the injection. And guess what? I get to do all over again in two weeks! SURPRISE!

I am still in pain, but they say it takes about four days to get into your system and I may not feel any better for a couple of weeks. HA! Of course I won't feel better for a couple of weeks, that's when the next injection is scheduled!

If this doesn't work, Plan C will be implemented and of course involve more needles!

Plan A - Ignore problem = FAIL
Plan B - Get steroids injected into spine - the jury is out on this one
Plan C - Acupuncture
Plan D - Drive into a train!

Wish me luck everyone!

Splendid then...

How I spent my last day of being 41...

2011-05-18T00:17:00.000-04:00

It happened. I'm inching closer and closer toward my AARP membership; I turned 42 yesterday. To make myself feel better, ~~I've been telling everyone that I am 24~~, I've been weeping quietly under the covers.


Blissfully awaiting the arrival of my AARP card!

Sunday, my last day of my pseudo-youth was quite an ~~extravagant~~ forgettable day. I spent the first half cleaning my kitchen and bathroom and fighting with the hub because our douche of a neighbor approached him with a hammer, yes a fucking hammer; and complained that I've been turning on the hallway light at night when I come home and he's paying for the electricity.

My neighbor was clearly traumatized by Lester Light bulb

I'm sorry...WHAT?!! How rude of me to not want to come home alone, in total darkness. The switch that I'm using to turn on the light is in fact downstairs. I am paying for the god damned electricity, on that PIG of a low watt energy saver bulb... give me a fucking break! This is the same guy, that has parked me in all winter, without once thinking he is inconveniencing me in any way at all. Yeah, I love having to knock on your door daily, and then wait 5-10 minutes for you to come out and move your truck, THANKS!

Candy has been hittin' that pipe pretty hard!

Most recently, he and his ~~delightful~~ trashy girlfriend Candy, and their ~~adorable~~ crappy baby have moved from their apartment on the other side of the house, to the one above me. I should play the lottery. She spends from about 4am to 11pm stomping back and forth above me like she's going to come crashing through the ceiling. Where the fuck is she going? Is she smoking crack all day and pacing the halls? I'm seriously seconds away from the FINAL SNAP and I can't be held responsible for my actions.

Anyway, I got distracted by my major annoyance of a neighbor. Getting back to my ~~exciting~~ lackluster last day of being 41.

Where Candy scores her crack

I decided it would be a great idea to get Mexican for dinner. Yes, I wanted to end the year with a bang, or some sort of explosion! So my friend took me to a a taco joint in Lynn.
(Lynn, Lynn, city of sin, you don't come out the way you went in! Especially if you eat a burrito with re fried beans!)

I ordered a burrito and she ordered a quesadilla; we both ended up with burritos.

This would have been a wiser meal choice

That thing stayed with me for the rest of the night and most of my birthday. What a painful and stupid last meal.

My friend did give me the bestest gift ever; a Panda bear ring!

Magical Panda ring!

I love Pandas and will someday invest in a SUPER AWESOME Panda costume that I will wear randomly while out and about in the city!

RAWR!! More Bamboo Please!

To finish off such an eventful day/evening, we sat in my truck while it poured outside. Why? Good question! I had to bring my laptop outside as my T-mobile ~~suck stick~~ web stick, doesn't work so great indoors. Why did I need to go online when I had company at the house? We had a brilliant idea that I should join Twitter and spend the last five hours of my 41st year trying to connect to the site and picking a user name that wasn't taken.

My first tweet: unimpressed

My second tweet at the ripe old age of 42, had taken me six hours and counting... I may very well get my AARP card before this tweet posts!

I may be getting older, but I'm quite doubtful that I'm getting wiser.

Splendid then...

It's fun to race SPAM!

2011-05-02T20:32:00.000-04:00

There is definitely an echo!

I've been slacking on this whole "writing" thing lately. I'm sure I have plenty of things to tell you all about, but walking everyday appears to have a "dumbing" effect on my mind. Yes folks, exercise is making me stupid and empty inside!

So, instead of attempting to blather on like the idiot that I have become; I am going to give you a link to something fun.

Every Easter for the past six years, we have been racing SPAM at the restaurant. We call it The Spamwood Derby and as strange as it may sound, it is so much fun!

The idea was born late night at Denny's, (aren't all the best ideas born here?), after my friends band Joe Cocker Manifesto played at our bar. My friend Jon, dressed in drag in this band, and was still mostly in his female attire at Denny's that night; just to give you all an idea of what our group looked like, drunk and strange!

They had a song in their repertoire called Meat Fort, and had "given birth" to a meat baby on stage once. So we got to talking about their next gig, which would fall on Easter Sunday and what stupid thing could we do with meat and The Spamwood Derby was born!

I'm putting some pictures up from last year and the year before and a link to some video footage of this years race.

Enjoy!

Splendid then...

1st, 2nd & 3rd place from 2009

Spam bunny died!

Spam mobiles from 2009


1st, 2nd & 3rd place winners 2010

This years event flier!

Spamwood Derby!

It's Hitlers birthday and Nazional Grid is celebrating....

2011-04-20T18:02:00.000-04:00

I'm a bit ticked off today. By "a bit" I mean that I might spontaneously com bust with pure RAGE!

You don't want to piss me off!

I was heading into the restaurant a bit early, as I had some things to take care of before we opened. Upon arrival I was told by the print shop guy next door that the Nazis, (this is how i will be referring to National Grid throughout this blog), had been here with the police and a locksmith earlier in the day.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Then I'm informed that they couldn't get in. So i put my key in the lock and am now covered in graphite and the key won't turn.

This is when the rage starts to filter in.

Greedy Nazis

We just paid a shit ton of money to the Nazis at the end of March and made a bunch of payment agreements to ensure that we would not be on the shut-off list. Of course, we can't get inside to gather any of this information. So we call and get put on hold and transferred about 253 times and can't get an answer as to why this was done and whom the fuck is going to send someone out and fix our lock.

In the meantime, I'm sticking my arm through the mail slot on the front door and trying to grab the stick that's lodged in the push bar, so that I can open the door by pushing on the bar. My wrist is going to be very sore and bruised tomorrow.

He beat it by eating anorexic people!

My rage is just about hitting the explosive stage. This fat fuck of a local waste of life woman in her "hover round" is riding by at this moment and thinks she's a God damn comedienne and she starts yelling "Stop! No breaking & entering"! At which point, I turn and give her the nastiest look and tell her to shut the fuck up in unison with the husband. She muttered a bunch of swears and rolled away.

Rage is almost explosive.

Then the hub starts yelling at me while simultaneously yelling at the Nazis on the phone, telling me to yank the stick out of the door, not understanding that I can't touch it with anything more than one finger and I'm in some serious pain wedged inside of this mail slot. This is where I lose it and start screaming a slew of obscenities, loud enough for half of the damned city to hear me.
I caught some onlookers from the lot across the street and I screamed a whole bunch of swears at them. Hey, I like to include everyone when I snap.

Vee ist here to turn off your gas! Ya vul!

Who knew that one day the Nazis would be turning off the gas!

Now I'm full on crying, 'cause for some reason when I become fully enraged, it always ends up wet. Fanfuckingtastic! This is exactly how I wanted to start my day!

By this time our bartender arrives and she has long skinny arms, so she gives it a go and moves the stick a bit, but nothing. Then a regular shows up and he gets it to move even more, but still nothing. So we call a guy that we refer to as Hitler, that helps us out with the cleaning, and he came by with pry-bar and we finally got the damned door open!

I immediately find the Nazi bill and see that we have until April 28th to pay. Hmmm, that's eight days from now according to every calendar in the land. So, we call yet again and have now been waiting for over an hour to receive a call from ~~Hitler himself~~ "The Supervisor". Ten more minutes and we are calling back.

I had planned on blogging about my physical therapy and walking adventures, damned Nazis, always ruining everything!

I'm going to go walk this off and get some retail therapy at the same time.

Happy birthday Hitler you Fucking Douche!

Splendid then...

I'm having a bit off a blockage...No, no, not that kind!

2011-04-09T20:37:00.000-04:00

Everyday I stare at my computer screen and try to come up with something fabulous to tell you all about. Problem is, nothing much has been happening in my life lately. I'm fine with that as my stress level needs a break now and then.


Another successful day at the restaurant!

I'm sure this is just a calm moment before the tides turn again, but so far we are managing to stay afloat.

My life of excitement and partying came to a much needed end three years ago. Now I like to do things like grocery shop. late night drug store shopping, playing scrabble (on computer and in real life), and ~~I have added walking to the list~~ my physical therapist is making me walk an hour everyday.

Every word is a winner!

It's sort of a theme happening here...

See, I told you so!

~~My favorite grocery store~~ The cheapest grocery store is Market Basket - Their motto is: Market Basket, where you get mowah fowah yowah dollah! I feel accomplished after a trip to the Basket.

When I shop here I need to mentally prepare or else I will end up in the fetal position crying.

Another successful trip to Market Basket!

The parking lot alone, is a battlefield. It doesn't matter what day or what time of day you go to this store; as it's ALWAYS busy. I used to wear my i pod when shopping here until I went late on a Sunday and as I was blissfully shopping, I was disrupted by an employee informing me that they were past closing time. The only time it's peaceful at Market Basket is when they are closed!

Yoda ~ Shopper of bargains is he...

I would advise one to go to the bathroom before shopping here, (in addition to mentally preparing), as the odor near the bathrooms smells like catfood, vomit, raw meat & SHAME! The clearance stuff is right next to the bathrooms and I've almost added to the smell of vomit on more than one occasion. On one of my more recent trips here, I discovered that they are making their own brand of potato chips and I couldn't help but laugh out loud when I saw them.

CHIPS FOR DIPS

Finally! A chip for the common idiot! Such a bargain!

I'm certain that stupid people everywhere are enjoying these preservative-free, crispy, delights and have no idea that Market Basket is insulting them. I wonder if I'm the only person that has noticed this treasure!

The secret is out. Market basket thinks we are all idiots! They may be right!

Splendid then...