Ice Cream Mama

Venting

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 03:07:00 +0000

I haven't posted in some time. Part of this is due to the Big Guy. He does not like me talking about anything negative that goes on with his health. He doesn't want people to know for some reason. I, on the other hand, could use a little support and find it helpful to talk about some stuff. So I haven't written here much.

Another reason for the lack of posting is I don't want to seem ungrateful for all of the good things that have happened. Not that you would know about any of the good things, since I haven't posted.

Anyway...
I am so very stressed I am not quite sure what to do with myself. The Big Guy likes to put on a good face and he doesn't even want me to know when there is something wrong. But he doesn't seem to be doing as well as he used to be doing. He is pale and his heart rate is high even when sitting still. He had to wear a heart monitor for a day last week to try and figure out what is going on. Unfortunately we won't have those results for two weeks.

I am sick of school. Yes, I know I am almost done, light at the end of the tunnel, blah blah whatever blah. Yeah, I'm almost done. My kid is also almost done being three and how much of it have I missed? Yeah, we need for me to have the piece of paper that says I'm qualified to do the thing I did for 13 years, so we can, you know, keep our house and have food and clothes. But, damn, it is hard and I am missing things that will never happen again. And that really sucks.

I am tired of worrying about money. Here's something I don't talk about much- I'm a Christian. One of those Bible thumping types. I believe that God has seen us through these last four years of un- and under-employment. There is no other reason we have made it this far. Yet, I still worry about money. Our insurance premium went up. Our medical bills are crazy. We are about $1000 short each month in our budget. We took a loan against a life insurance policy last year to pay for out health insurance. We don't have that option this year. I haven't a clue what to do. But based on my experience the last four years, we will make it through with God's help. I still worry though.

My job. I'm thankful to have a part time job where I can use my accounting skills and learn more things. I also have the flexibility to go to some doctor appointments with Big Guy and not worry about my job. But it can be stressful. And like Forest Gump, that's all I have to say about that.

I'm tired and depressed. Yes, I know there is medication and therapy and all. But they cost money and when I had post partum and the doc put me on Z*loft- I hated it. It made me feel, well, nothing. I felt nothing. I decided I'd rather feel like shit than nothing at all. I know there are other meds but I don't have the money or the inclination to figure out.

And now I am too tired to even bitch anymore.

Is That a Bandwagon Going By?

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 19:56:00 +0000

Fringe returns to tv tonight and this makes me a bit happy.

Peter started it. Pamela continued it. I figured, what the hell...

Sunday Prayers

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 03:13:00 +0000

My prayers today:

that the Big Guy stops having these heart palpitaions
that I get done all the things I need to get done
that my neighbor (who my kids call Grandma J) would recover and be able to come home from the hospital.
that my friend K would know which way to go with some things in her life

What can I pray for you?

Cutting It Close

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 04:48:00 +0000

Twelve minutes until midnight.

Ridiculous day, very busy.

Just finished an exam.

Going to bed.

Again?

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 03:18:00 +0000

Three weeks ago I lost a filling. I called the dentist right away but they were not able to get me in until this past Tuesday. Thankfully the tooth had already had a root canal so it did not hurt. They were so busy I was told even if I was in pain they wouldn't have been able to get me in any sooner.

I just lost another filling. In a tooth that has not had a root canal. At 9:30. On a Friday night. Right before a holiday week. A holiday that involves food. Good food. Lots of it.

When do you think the dentist will get me in this time? And will I get to enjoy my first time hosting Thanksgiving?

Oh yeah...we don't have dental. Guess we'll get the medical tax deduction again this year.

Phoning It In

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 03:06:00 +0000

Not a great night. Headache and paying bills. Seeing all those minus signs is making the headache worse.

Follow Up The Follow Up

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 03:05:00 +0000

No chemo! He is very glad about this because, well, chemo sucks. He is having heart palpitations and has to up the medication they gave him in the hospital. The doctor said this is actually pretty common after this surgery. It could resolve itself or he could have to take medication for the rest of his life. Big Guy said he isn't thrilled to have another specialist. I told him it was better than an undertaker. That pretty much shut him up.

There is also some kind of special bronchoscopy they can do on the left lung to see if there is anything suspicious. Then they use a laser to zap it somehow. I don't really know the details. I didn't go with him. Our pastor drove him out so I wouldn't have to miss another day of work. Kind of sucks that we are at the point where missing one day could actually break us.

I tend to be less optimistic than some other people. I wouldn't say I am an outright pessimist, more of a realist. I have to say, and I'll only be saying it here, I'm still pretty freaked about these precancer cells and this heart palpitation. The last few years have been pretty damn rough and I really just want everything to be ok. We do have so much to be thankful for and I am not ignoring that; I'm just worried. Anyway, let's keep that between us.

Follow Up

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 01:06:00 +0000

We went out to Philly for the Big Guy's follow up today. The lymph nodes the surgeon took out of his chest had NO cancer in them!!!

There are precancerous cells in the area where they closed up the tube to his non-existent lung. I'm pretty freaked about that since it was the thing the local pulmonologist was concerned about. The surgeon says he is not concerned, he thinks it will "clear up". Um, it never "cleared up" before, I mean we aren't talking about a zit here. The Big Guy is happy with what the surgeon said, so let's keep my little worry between up, 'kay?

He has to go back tomorrow to meet with the oncologist to decide if there will be any chemo. I'm thinking with the precancerous cells that chemo will be had. Let's kill those sumbithces.

I'll post about the follow up to the follow up tomorrow.

Almost There

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 02:27:00 +0000

I finished all the assignments for the auditing class last night. Finishing up my computer app class assignment tonight (I hope). Then two finals to be taken by Saturday. I would like them done by Wednesday though.

Just want to be done!

Sunday Prayers

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 15:30:00 +0000

My prayers today:

that the Big Guy's cancer is gone and he recovers from this surgery
that he doesn't pick up the cold the girls have, me either
that the girls get rid of their colds
that I don't go crazy
that I can get a job when I finish this degree
that my friend K would know which way to go with some things in her life

What can I pray for you?

A Little Bit of Me Time

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Sun, 13 Nov 2011 03:30:00 +0000

I was able to sub at bunco tonight. It was really great to hang out with my friends and have grown up talk that didn't involve college classes or work. I even won a fondue set! Ebaby is fascinated by fondue and has wanted to try it. Now we can!

Veteran's Day

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 03:24:00 +0000

"When our perils are past, shall our gratitude sleep?” –George Canning

Thank you to all of you have served our country in the armed forces.

Thanks to my father and both of his brothers- United States Marines.

Thanks to my grandfather- United States Army, European Theater.

College

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 03:14:00 +0000

I just started my third and final year of college. I cannot wait to be done. I go to a state college that is completely online. This college does not have the typical fall/spring 16 week semester set up. At this college, terms start on the first of every month and last 12 weeks.

The terms of my financial aid say I have to take at least two classes in the terms that begin September 1, December 1, March 1, and June 1. Between class terms can be any where from three to twelve days. There are 11 weeks of active classwork and the last week is finals week.

I am now at the tail end of the September term. I have 3 assignments and a case study due by Sunday. Next week is the finals week. The finals go live Saturday night. The sooner I take the exam, the sooner I can start my break. I really, really need a break.

The problem? I am exhausted and just cannot think. I have no motivation to get the stuff done. My house is a disaster area, my job sucks, my kids have colds and now the Big Guy isn't feeling well. My stress level is through the roof.

Ugh. If I keep going it's just going to turn into a bitchfest and frankly, I am too tired to get that worked up tonight. I guess I'll go stare at a textbook now.

What a Day

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 03:19:00 +0000

In the first five minutes that I was awake, I had to clean up dog pee. I went into the bathroom, came out and there was dog pee. What the hell, dog?

Gave the girls breakfast, made sure all school stuff was ready and off to the bus.

Then I took the dog for a walk. I should say, I took the dog for a drag. She just did not want to lift those paws and move. What the hell, dog?

Then I had that event all woman look forward to- the annual gynecological exam! No details. It sucked, as usual.

Then, off to work. But, first, I had to navigate through douchebag alley. Seriously, every douchebag in the world was on that road today.

Work. Nuff said.

Grocery store to get a few things for my neighbor who is also battling cancer.

Dinner was gross. One of those easy, frozen skillet meals. I had coupons but so not worth it.

Big Guy went to neighbor's to give her groceries. Long story short. I had to call her daughter to take her to hospital.

Try to get some stuff done here. Moving slowly...

Not thrilled with this new Top Chef earn a jacket thing.

Ugh, that's it. Going to bed.

Bazinga!

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 02:04:00 +0000

How have I never seen The Big Bang Theory before? I suppose it is because I have very little time for television right now.

Last week I needed a mental break and went channel surfing. I landed on TBS and a marathon of The Big Bang Theory. Sheldon cracks me up. Of course, if I had to deal with him in real life I would probably smack the crap out of him.

Fun Monday

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 14:08:00 +0000

I used to love Fun Monday! Sayre is hosting this week and her assignment is:

November is a month to recognize the things you are thankful for in your life - including the people who are serving our country. Tell us what you are thankful for!

I am definitely thankful for those serving our country. My father and his brothers were Marines. My grandfather served in the European theater in WWII.

Closer to home, I am really thankful my husband survived surgery and seems to be doing really well. I am thankful that we have actually made it through these last few years. Between unemployment, underemployment and cancer, we could have lost everything but we didn't. God has really watched over us. I will be thankful if He keeps doing so!

Sunday Prayers

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 15:00:00 +0000

I believe in prayer. Frankly I am not sure I would have made it through the last few years without prayer. My prayers today:

that the Big Guy's cancer is gone and he recovers from this surgery
that the girls stay healthy
that I don't go crazy
that I can get a job when I finish this degree

What can I pray for you?

Suze Saturday

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 01:59:00 +0000

A hot Saturday night includes watching The Suze Orman Show. Are we crazy party animals, or what? Heck, I'm watching as I type.

I love the "Can I Afford It?" segment. People call in asking if they can afford things ranging from vacations to cars to home improvement projects. I love when young kids call in. Suze reviews their finances and decided if they can afford the item they want. There are times I know the person will be approved- no debt, eight month emergency fund, retirement savings.

Other times I wonder if the people have their heads up their butts. Dude, you have $3,000 in credit card debt, no emergency fund, your 45 and you have $28,000 in retirement. Is Suze really going to approve your midlife crisis car? Couldn't you figure out on your own that you couldn't afford it?

I like Suze. She has common sense. She's not afraid to tell people like it is. If more people followed her advice, they would have fewer financial problems.

Thanksgiving

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 03:20:00 +0000

We usually go to my mom's for Thanksgiving. This year I will be hosting. Oddly, hosting Thanksgiving will actually be easier on me this year. The Big Guy isn't supposed to be around too many people for a while; the risk of pneumonia is very high for him. Only my parents will be coming here so I won't have to worry about him getting too many germs.

Anyway, the easier on me part is I won't have to worry about him being uncomfortable. Plus all of the kids' stuff is here and I won't have to worry about them breaking any of nana's knickknacks because they get bored after an hour or two.

Of course I told my mother she had to make her stuffing, cranberry sauce and creamed onions. I will make the turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, various vegetables and pies. I would like to make something different from our usual fare but can't decide what.

Any ideas?

Tough Nuggets

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 03:37:00 +0000

Scoop, the three year old: "I told Ebaby it was time to go to bed. She told me she did not want to go to bed. So I told her tough nuggets, get your jammies on."

Big Guy Update

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 01:52:00 +0000

I haven't posted about the Big Guy since the end of September. To make a long story short- he had his right lung removed last Monday. He is doing good, better than we expected actually. Which is a damn good thing since this was the last resort.

Now we wait for some more biopsy results to see if he is having more chemo, what type, how much...

He has a long recovery ahead of him. Unfortunately, it looks like he won't be able to work again. People do live a pretty normal life with one lung, but he has emphysema and COPD and had a few spots on the left lung that they want to keep an eye on. That part is pretty hard on him as he is very much the "man supports the family" kind of guy.

I don't care, as long as he is alive.

Eh, Why Not?

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 02:21:00 +0000

I just signed up for NaBloPoMo. I really don't need another thing on my plate but I always feel the urge to join NaBlo. I warn you now- most posts will be short. Very short. Hopefully pithy. Maybe not.

Guest Post- Cancer Support

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 00:19:00 +0000

A couple of weeks ago David asked if I would consider a guest post by him about cancer support groups. Given what is going on in my life right now, I said sure.

Support Helps on the Way to the Cure

If you have been diagnosed with cancer whether it is skin cancer, Leukemia, or even a rare disease like mesothelioma then you need to understand the benefits of having the support of others at your aide. There are a myriad of cancer survivor groups all over the world and with the advent of the Internet they are closer than ever before. If you are recently diagnosed, going through treatments, or are a cancer survivor you should recognize how well support groups help individuals going through trying times and how much of a benefit survivors can provide to others.

Doctors Agree

One irrefutable truth that most doctors can agree upon is that understanding and support can help those with cancer get through their tough times. Understanding what is going on during treatments and even being well versed the adverse effectsof treatments can be beneficial. Peers going through the same or similar treatments can ultimately serve as a wonderful archive of knowledge and tips. Knowing what to expect is a great way to aide one in the fight against cancer. Friends and loved ones are able to provide a unique unrivaled support, but being able to discuss the specific, intimate details about an ailment with someone who has the same issue can be a great way to gain insight and help on the road to recovery.

Online Support Groups

Online support groups have become more prevalent as the Internet has become a bigger part in the lives of many. The Internet is now readily available wirelessly all over the world. Many smart phones and cellular devices have access to the Internet. This means for those battling cancer that support is always available. Anytime you are near your phone you can visit websites, send emails, and keep up with others. There is no longer a reason to face the hardships of cancer alone. The support of friends and loved ones important, but having someone in your corner that personally knows what you’re going through is unbeatable. This is a great way to know what to expect and to be able to talk honestly and candidly about what you are going through with others that will be both knowledgeable and sympathetic about what you are going through.

By: David Haas

http://haasblaag.blogspot.com/

Continuing the Never Ending Saga of Cancer Man

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Thu, 22 Sep 2011 18:04:00 +0000

When I left off a month ago (hey, only a month! that's improvement) we were going to head out to the Big City Cancer Hospital for the bronchoscopy. Well, he didn't have the bronchoscopy that day, things had to drag on and on and on.

Fast forward to Tuesday, September 13.

Bronschscopy Day!

The doctor said his tubes looked a little beat up but he thought it was a side effect of radiation. He also thought the fact that his right bronchus was super swollen was also radiation. I thought this sounded like crap. I know radiation has long term side effects but he had his last radiation more than a year ago- why would it start swelling now when it never did before? The doctor said he didn't see any cancer "hanging off of anything" (yes, direct quote) but would have biopsy results by Friday. We left happy-ish.

Thursday evening, September 15

Phone rings. Big Guy answers.
"Hello, Dr. K"
Listen, uh huh, ok, red face, listen, ok, right. Thanks. Bye.
It's all cancer.

Tuesday, September 20

Big Guy to BCCH for a few tests and another doctor visit. By himself. Because I have to work because we need the money. Yes, he is a big boy and can handle talking to doctors. But he has a way of forgetting to tell me somethings and I can think of questions to ask faster than he can. But we need a roof and these kids have grown accustomed to eating.

Bottom line- they have to take his entire right lung out. It's his best chance for survival. The cancer will eventually close off the lung anyway. You can't just leave it in there.

This morning he had an MRI of the brain to make sure there is no cancer there.

Tomorrow he has an appointment with a cardiologist to arrange pre-surgery testing to see is his heart can handle surgery.

Tuesday we go back to BCCH to meet with the surgeons. We'll know more than.

This is exhausting.

BCCH

noreply@blogger.com (Bethany) — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 16:24:00 +0000

Three weeks ago Big Guy had a PET scan to see how things are going. Long story short... His oncologist wanted him to go back to the Big City Cancer Hospital. Oncologist has nothing left in his bag of tricks and I guess was hoping Big City Cancer Hospital would have something.

We went to BCCH last Wednesday. Let me just throw this in here- I have come to hate highway driving. I don't mean I dislike it a little, I mean I detest it. I am also the world's worst passenger. Seriously, you do not want me as a passenger. My anxiety levels are high already, add in highway driving/passenging and, let's just say it ain't pretty.

Back to BCCH. After the never ending drive due to all the major road construction that was every where, we saw the same doc we saw back in October. Long story short... they were having a hard time merging the CAT scan & PET scan. They needed to see that before figuring out what to do. The doc will call by sundown Friday. Another aside- Big Guy doesn't tell me everything. He likes to make things sound rosy and sparkly. Fine, it's how he gets by. I need to know the realistic scenario not the one with unicorns. Friday I was at work so I have no idea what the whole conversation with the doc was, just what Big Guy wanted to tell me.

Long story short... believe me, it may not seem like it, but this is the short version, Big Guy has to go back to BCCH for a bronchoscopy. They couldn't tell what was going on from the scans. This doesn't surprise me as the cancer never showed on the CAT scans before. He has several scans last year when they were trying to figure out why he was coughing blood. The tumor never showed on any of them. The doctor found it by doing a bronchoscopy.

So, tomorrow we are off to BCCH again.

Accepting all spare xanax.