making it fun

Oh Immune System Where Are You? And Lungs??? Knock it off.

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Thu, 09 Feb 2017 16:02:00 +0000

When I was a kid. I was sick almost constantly. Whenever I got anything it would go live in my lungs for a while. It was my normal for my mom or dad to spend the night or take shifts in my room holding me up so I could breathe. It was normal to cough until I vomited. It was normal to take more meds than an elderly person. This was my normal. Staying in when it was too cold. Swallowing pills as a preschooler-- all my normal.

My lungs still suck and whenever I get sick- it goes to my lungs and lives there, for what seems to be forever. I still cough with enough force that I sometimes throw up. But it is not as bad as it was-- by a lot. Now, after I am sick for a few days and coughing my stomach hurts! As a kid my stomach muscles were so strong- all the coughing in the world would not make me sore.

As previously discussed- I have an eating disorder, I am maintaining my weight (sometimes white knuckling it) but there is the aftermath of the time that I was in the midst of it. My immune system is one thing that was pretty much destroyed. And it sucks being sick. My normal is sick. The good thing is my kids have great immune systems and usually act as Typhoid Mary. I'd much rather be sick than them.

Because, looking back, I cannot imagine the frustration, helplessness, and desperation when I was sick so much that my parents felt. When my kids are sick, I would literally give my left arm to take it for them. How many times have parents prayed to which ever G-d they choose to please please please let them take whatever is ailing their kids.

And it took me being a parent for me to see how much my parents must have begged for the same. Let them take the bad tasting medicine. Let them stay up all night coughing. Let them get stuck again. Anything...just make the kid better.

So, thanks Mom and Dad for staying up with me so many nights. Taking me to endless doctors. Cleaning up when I threw up. Waiting in boring hospitals for another chest x-ray to be read. For teaching me to swallow pills. For convincing me to take the bad tasting medicine- even the truly awful stuff.

I can't imagine what you went through- but thank you for doing everything you could.

post election redux

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Fri, 06 Jan 2017 18:35:00 +0000

The election was a while ago and I had hoped that calmer heads would prevail. Sadly, that has happened.

I am still worried and feeling insecure. Will my insurance be changed and caps/limits be imposed which can cause me to be die?

Yesterday, the Senate voted to repeal the ACA- the thing that had saved my life.

While I currently I have insurance via a municipality- until the ACA it had a limit attached to it.

I worry for my kids. I worry for people who have been marginalized- who very well may be facing further marginalization.

What now? What next? I will fight for the rights of those people who are facing marginalization.
I will speak up when I see in justice. I raise my children to speak out against injustice. I will raise my children to call out racism and hate.

Hate has no home here. My house, my home is a place for inclusion. It is a place for love. Never hate.

She has a temper on her!

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Sun, 27 Nov 2016 00:10:00 +0000

This could have been written about me as a child- but I am writing about my Peas, and I need help.

Peas has really big intense feelings, no matter what they are they are intense. Happy is euphoric, sad is the depths of despair.

This is all well and good until we get to anger and frustration- when it manifests as rage.

The angry takes over and she gets stuck in a rage circle. It spirals and spirals out of control with no way to slow down the inertia or change the direction. It just has to burn itself out. Which can take a long time (like over an hour long time).

While the tantrums are frustrating and hard to deal with the bigger issue is when she lashes out at her siblings or me. She throws things, breaks things, hits siblings and me. This does not happen anywhere but at home, anywhere else I hear what an angel she is; and really she can be, most of the time she is.

Peas is getting bigger and is now big enough to do some actual damage to things or people, so it is imperative we find a solution.

One issue specifically that we struggle with is leaving for school. If she can't find her shoes (there is a black hole of shoes in our house, I swear- its the only way we could lose so many shoes.) or the particular shoes that she wants to wear, It becomes a Chernobyl level meltdown. There can be kicking, hitting, biting, throwing, any number of things, and talking to her just makes it worse. It just has to burn itself out.

To protect the other kids, and herself, we put her in her room. If I am sick or recovering from a surgery, I cannot fight with her to get her into her room, because she strong. And I am at a loss.

Once she has calmed down she feels horrible and is so sorry, embarrassed, and totally apologetic.
I just don't know how to get her to the calm stage faster, with less out of control behavior, and to not act out.

I can completely empathize because I sometimes my feelings are overwhelming too, but I can't reason with her. It doesn't work.

Do you have any ideas? What can I do to help the rage spiral. I hate that is such a struggle for her.

voting for a future

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Fri, 28 Oct 2016 14:30:00 +0000

I voted the other day. Something mundane right? Four years ago I got goosebumps voting for the first black president. I was surreal. It was something I was proud to do. That night I watched the returns on the edge of my seat, anxious, excited... and he won. I cried.

Four years later I voted again for Obama, The thrill had not worn off. I cast my ballot for a man- who less than 100 years ago would have been banned from eating with me. Yes- this was thrilling, but we have so so much further to go.

This year, I cast my ballot for a woman. A person who less than 100 years ago- wouldn't have been allowed to vote. I voted for all the women who have gone before me to allow me to have an education. Who have allowed me to have an identity outside of marriage, who have ensured my right to have or not have a baby, for those who ensured that I can demand equal treatment. They may not be here to vote. But I am.

I'm here to vote for my children. For someone who will work to protect the environment- so they have a world to inherit, for someone who will protect their right to healthcare, who will (hopefully) work to ensure safety for refugees.

I voted. All I can do is hope and pray- that others vote, that she wins, and that she stands by her word.

For my right to vote- I am incredibly thankful- and will exercise this right that so many fought so hard for.

I keep forgetting this....

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Mon, 03 Oct 2016 03:25:00 +0000

I used to be good at updating when anything happened... maybe not everyday but weekly.... and well- I forgot.

The kids are great. They are always great. Well-- ok not always, but a lot of the time they are great.

Princess is growing up--- and this is not ok. She was my baby- the little preemie who brought me back down.

Stinky is actually starting to smell now that he is 10.

Peas? is Peas. Enough said. Seriously though- I worry about her. A lot. I see so much of me in her- that I want to grab her and say "its alright. Even if things don't go the way you want--- it is alright they'll turn out in the end.

Pixie is in school full time and she is smarter than I care to admit. She figures things out so quickly watching her brain work is amazing.

LittleDude is not so little anymore. Totally potty trained-- day and night *I swear he has only had 2 overnight accidents- no, don't know how that happened either...it just did.

I'm here. Learning. Trying.. and not always succeeding.

Feelings are hard for me, I feel so disconnected from them- at least my feelings--- other people? I feel their feelings deeply.

I keep meaning to write...

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Mon, 25 Jul 2016 00:22:00 +0000

But then I get busy (busy? with 5 kids? never!).

First: I have been physically healthy for a few months. I am learning to take time to rest, pace myself, and I have seen a few docs who have been amazing.

Its storming here. Again. Its been so hot and humid it almost cant help but storm in the late afternoon.

I find myself reflecting on fun memories from my childhood that I want to write about as how they relate to parenting my own children, but of course, at the moment they escape me-- like on the tip of tongue.

Our house had a big front porch when I was a kid. I LOVED that porch. We found my cat on that porch, we made forts on the porch, we just sat and talked- just watching the world go by. But, as the porch faced west, we especially enjoyed watching the weather roll in.

I recall having my mom braid my hair, practicing spelling words, watching the storm. Once it was down-pouring absolute torrential down-down pour and I wanted my cat, Miss Meow. Miss Meow was a feral cat that who adopted us. She and I had a particularly close bond. I could sit on the front porch and literally "Meow" for her and she would come from where ever she was in the neighborhood. Of course, that was if she felt like it. For me, she usually did- unless it was raining. What cat likes getting wet? This time, I called the cat and she came running... meowing back as she ran as if she was saying "I'm coming!"

This is a silly, insignificant memory but it reminds me of my cat- whom I loved and still do love dearly. I miss her often and tell the kids all of the funny cat stuff she did.

Another weather related memory involves my bedroom. I get nervous during storms. Always have. But every night my mom and I would read a book sometimes a classic sometimes something silly. It was time we spent together. I think she enjoyed sharing some of her favorite childhood books with me that way. Our house was an old house. It had tons of windows. One wall of my room was windows. I did not appreciate it as much as I should have. Frequently we would open all of the windows in the summer for a nice breeze (my dad hated air conditioning) so it was a good thing our house had so many windows. Regardless, it was hot.... the air was thick, my mom sat in a chair near my bed, and I recall looking out the window and seeing lightening. I said "ma, I see lightening" and she replied half asleep "Its just heat lightening" and then she told me a story from when she was a child.

Obviously, I couldn't just whip out an iphone and see if heat lightening was a thing or not.... it was a good enough explanation for me- and I went to sleep.

I have been fascinated with the weather, and used to watch the weather channel, but I never looked up "heat lightening" I like the explanation, and even if it is not scientifically accurate, it was enough to calm my nerves, and that is pretty darn hard to do- even now.

My mom and I had a rough relationship through my teen years- and 20s... heck most of my life there have been challenges, but instead of focusing on the crappy stuff- I consciously think about these memories. The ones that- even for a moment I felt loved and good enough to deserve her love.

To the Mat

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Fri, 29 Apr 2016 00:10:00 +0000

I love a good workout. I love to feel my muscles work, stretch, and bend.

Sometimes, especially, after being sick or otherwise recovering, pole can be a little too much.

In these times I lean on yoga- this time my love affair seems different. It started in January- and it was fling-y. Committing to a mat and practice was asking a lot. My feelings slowly changed from a time filler to a deep love.

Now I treasure my mat time. I look forward all day to class- get fussy if I miss a class.

Yoga is a workout for my mind- but it is a deeper workout for my mind and spirit. Learning to feel connection, feeling the sensations of whatever I am doing and surrendering to it.

I am not giving up my pole time- I am just adding mat time too it.

Septic Shock

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Tue, 12 Apr 2016 16:00:00 +0000

I get sick more than the average person. It is expected for me at this point. My kidney hates me and it gets infected the way preschoolers get colds. This time was worse though. This time was scary. This time I was a little too close to dying.

The Saturday before Easter- I got up- I was in the middle of an asthma flare so I took those meds in addition to my morning meds and then went on with the morning getting the kids ready to go to B's family for an early Easter.

Like a lightening bolt it hit me: I was cold, shaking, sweating, pain, and just sick.

No matter what I did I could not get warm. I thought it was just an infection but soon I was proved wrong. After vomiting and taking a nap, when I tried to go downstairs I couldn't figure out how to move my hand down the banister. I couldn't figure out how to go down the stairs. My brain and my body had a bad connection and it felt like I was moving through jello.

Thank goodness my sister was able to babysit for us, B had to go to the firehouse, and I needed to go to the ER.

I drove myself to the ER- and that was a shitty idea. I saw there were dozens of people waiting to get seen and I figured it would be a long wait.

The triage nurse came and checked me over- my temp was 103, my heart rate too fast, and blood pressure way too low. No waiting for me.

In the ER it was determined that I had septic shock. A life threatening reaction to an overwhelming infection. Despite 3 bags of fluid, my blood pressure would not normalize. Slowly my oxygen saturation started to fall- I was put on oxygen.

My labs showed my kidney was struggling, my liver was struggling and my circulatory system was begging to collapse.

I understood none of this- all I knew was it hurt, and I did not feel good.

Shortly, I was moved to the Intensive Care Unit and pressors were given to get my blood pressure up.

The ICU doc told me in no uncertain terms how sick I was. I was still in a fog so I had B talk to him.

Slowly, with the pressors, the antibiotics, and other meds, I started to feel better. After a few days I was able to maintain my blood pressure without pressors and I was sent to a regular floor. Where again, my doctors made sure I knew that I had had a very very close call.

I had a PICC line placed and am getting antibiotics via IV at home.

More than 50% of people with septic shock die. Once you have septic shock you are more likely to experience it again. It can take 18 months to fully recover from this.

So I am very thankful that the doctors and nurses at the hospital caught how sick I was, I didn't- I thought it was just a regular infection,

I took these pictures, but I don't remember taking all of them.

Pole-fection

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Sat, 20 Feb 2016 22:39:00 +0000

Teaching pole is an honor and a privilege. Watching women connect with a spiritual, sensual, or athletic side of themselves is deeply moving. Which part of themselves they need to connect with can change-- from day to day-- or from trick to trick.

Part of the pleasure of guiding women on this journey is being dynamic and able to change the focus of what is happening....

One of the other amazing things about pole is I am an instructor and a student-- and I learn something from every single person I dance with- a student, an instructor, a classmate. Each woman touches me- and I am thankful for each time I can dance.

In a week I have the extreme privilege of performing in front of a live band sharing my passion with a crowd. Part of me is thrilled and part of me wants to hide. I am scared that I'll fuck up or no one will like what I do. But I am more scared that I will like it too much!

it has been a long time huh?

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Mon, 15 Feb 2016 03:48:00 +0000

I used to write pretty regularly right?

And then I kind of disappeared? So what then heck?

A lot.

When B got hurt, and I had my hip surgery, I got kind of thrown. Then my kidney acted up and spend lots of time in the hospital and fell into a depression and anxiety that just couldn't lift.

Sure-- B didn't help one of the more cutting things that he said that still sticks with me was, "normal people aren't this sick" I needed to get it together- like this was my choice or my fault. It really hurt and was very cutting.. If I could get my body to cooperate I would in a heartbeat.

Then horrible news-- I carry the BRCA1 gene and hysterectomy. So more surgery. More kidney. More depression-- and so much went to hell.

I felt like I was holding my life together with string and a prayer. I didn't even have pole to fall back on.

My blog has always been kind of open about my struggle with mental illness so I feel I should be frank about this too. It was hard. And I made the biggest mistake than anyone could make. I went off my meds--- stupid I know. So stupid. I felt initially like maybe my brain could figure itself out and I wouldn't need meds to regulate my brain chemistry. I'd go off my anti-anxiety meds-- but I won't dare go off of blood thinners.... why do I give blood thinners so much more importance than my mental health? I am back on my meds. Things are normalizing.

Depression and anxiety are beasts-- they just follow and sneak up when I am not expecting it.

In a nutshell that is where I have been.

Pole Love

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Mon, 09 Nov 2015 15:27:00 +0000

I have been a member of the pole community for a few years now. This weekend was the first time I actually went to a show.... and I was floored and inspired.

Pole is amazing for a huge number of reasons and I am humbled and thankful to be part of an amazing community that supports, accepts, and loves one another.

I have been to workshops with my hip that was falling apart no one judged me- I was just encouraged. I went to a workshop with a kidney issue and was struggling with everything- again no judgement.... just love and encouragement.

I am facing a scary surgery in a few days, and I have told a few pole people about it. They have universally been so amazing and so supportive- and the all were asking me how I was before the show.

The show was astounding. It made me so happy to see so many people loving pole and sharing it with others- members of the pole community and non polers- it was so fantastic

There were women of all shapes and sizes performing and all were loved and cheered for (of course all of the performers were freaking incredible!).

I am inspired to love my body more-- despite it being a bit shitty sometimes. I am inspired to give myself wholeheartedly to pole and my friends- not holding my heart back.

It was an awesome show and I can't wait for the next one

Pixie's Birthday

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Sun, 01 Nov 2015 19:33:00 +0000

Meg turned 6 the other day.

I celebrated it with her in the same hospital she came into the world in--- but for different reasons, I had a kidney infection.

My silly kidney did not stop us from having a party though, we had pizza, cake, and ice cream to mark the beginning of Pixie's 6th year.

I can't believe that she is 6. Meg is joyful, impish, compassionate, welcoming, loving, goofy, smart, silly, and an amazing kid. I am so thankful to be her mom and to have the privilege of watching her grow.

And she sure has grown!!! From a little 3 lb baby to a big girl now.....

relaxing in the NICU

Meghan just born

Home at last


6 years old-- at the same hospital she arrived in.

Meghan loves her chickens, she cares for them and checks on them all the time. She can calm them down and they let her pet them. She loves her friends and enjoys playing with them and giving them things. She is clever figuring things out are a specialties. I can't wait to see how grows up.

Trend setting parenting

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Sat, 10 Oct 2015 16:17:00 +0000

A few years ago I was out rightly laughed at by the popular/in crowd moms for babywearing with ring slings, mei tais, wraps, and other carriers that are designed with the baby's comfort in mind. I was told that my babies would be bored, that I was crazy for suggesting that these popular carriers could be bad for little one's hips and spines.

Fast-forward a few years and here we are-- now the in crowd moms are touting the benefits of these baby carriers and decrying other carriers as poor choices for babies... and I am over here saying "duh'"!

Same goes for breastfeeding. I was the weird one breastfeeding longer than a year, donating milk, cross nursing etc. Now its an in thing... and again I am over here saying "I told you so".

Gentle parenting is another example. When time outs were in- we used "time-ins". I have not sleep trained my kids.. or really any trained--- just let them be the guide. And now opposition to "cry it out" is mounting. Even Dr. Ferber -- the developer of the Ferber method says how he would not do that again. Yet again-- I am over here snuggling my babies and loving on them.

Cloth diapers are another thing... so many people said they were too much work and disgusting and now many of the same people are cloth diaper devotees.

I should be thankful that kids and babies are getting care that is more in line with their needs rather than following what has been done... but to be honest, I am annoyed. This is stuff I have been saying for YEARS and when a popular mom goes and says "I babywear with a ring sling because it is better for their hips" and then all of a sudden other moms are dedicated ring slingers.... and taking popular moms words as gospel. Why are we as women still following the popular moms? What makes a mom part of the in mom group?

It also worries me because what is the next 'in' thing going to be? Tiger Mom stuff? Will everyone abandon this kind of parenting stuff just as quickly? Won't their kids be confused with the back and forth parenting crap?

But I am happy that I have learned not to follow the cool moms and instead do what is best for my children.

Henry's egg hunt

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Thu, 01 Oct 2015 15:44:00 +0000

So we have chickens. We have had them since March but they have been laying eggs only since July.

Henry's favorite activity is to harass the chickens and find the eggs. He is always so proud of himself when he goes and collects the eggs from the hens. The hens (or the ladies, as they are referred to commonly) are very patient with their three year old jailer.

He will go and pick them up despite them being nearly his size- and put them where he wants them.
Henry helps feed them, clean up after them, give them water and generally take care of them- which is a lot for a boy who does not yet use the potty consistently.

Recently, we moved the chickens to our home and subsequently had to build them an area- which Henry was very helpful with.

However- before the coop was completed tragedy struck in the form of White Fang-- the very prey driven husky found her way outside and killed a chicken-- Laverne a lovely chicken who was my personal favorite.

This was a huge trauma. The kids all took it horribly. And insisted on a memorial for Laverne complete with a graveside prayer.

But they have moved on- and are very happy to be caring for the chickens.

Learning how to parent

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Wed, 30 Sep 2015 13:47:00 +0000

I have the privilege of helping many friends and strangers learn "how to parent" except this is not accurate. I don't teach them anything--I show them what they already know. Because we do know- even if we don't know we know.

Part of this includes the privilege of being with friends as they labor and birth their babies- I also have had the pleasure of helping new moms learn how to breastfeed (it may be natural but it isn't always easy!!)

And the other day someone asked me where I learned how to parent. Interesting question. Honestly? I am doing what feels right and hoping for the best. As luck would have it there is a fairly large body of evidence that supports attachment parenting as an emotionally healthy parenting option. But where did this come from?

My mom.

When I had my first I was 22 and so immature having a goldfish would have been too much responsibility.

My daughter was a preemie-- and my mom helped me gain the confidence to hold her, to change her, to feed her and to parent her. I was terrified of breaking her- so when she came home from the NICU at a whooping 3 lbs- my mom came down to stay with me and helped me figure out what I was doing. She taught me how to bath her, and supported breastfeeding even though she never breastfeed me. She found resources to help me.

The biggest thing she did was help me gain the confidence to parent Princess and trust myself to know what feels right. We have instincts for a reason- fighting them is counter productive.

So now I get to share what she guided me to learn. You can do it. You are enough. Your baby needs you.

Little boy/big boy

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Tue, 08 Sep 2015 05:07:00 +0000

Now I take pictures of LittleDude almost every night when he nurses to sleep. One of these times it will be the last time that he snuggles to sleep and looks for my cuddles overnight. Soon one day, my milk will not be the thing that he needs to soothe his owies or mend his broken heart.

There of course are frustrations, when I want him to just go to bed.... to stop following me around, but he is my last little baby, so I am really trying to to focus on snuggling and enjoying every moment I can, because one time- it will be memories.

I love my little ones, and this is different, because I usually had delivered another baby by this time and had my time divided between a new baby and a three year old toddler.

Its hard not to have another baby, it is hard to know that this is my last snuggle bug, and I don't like it. Being a mother has been such a huge part of my life- leaving this stage is a struggle for me. What will it look like? Will I still be needed? Loved? How will we navigate this?

A huge part of me hopes that this is not my last baby, I don't feel done. My heart aches for more nursing time, for more baby-wearing time, for more singing, and feeling a baby move in my womb

How Big? SOOO Big!! (too big)

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Fri, 07 Aug 2015 15:42:00 +0000

LittleDude still co-sleeps and breastfeeds. He is 3. He loves to snuggle close and have that connection. I'll admit- I get touched out. I'll admit I want space! So I am doing my best to remember that I will never be this loved again as I am by LittleDude. All of the kids went through this; the cuddles and snuggles and love- and then they get bigger and stop needing me so much, and the cuddles become less frequent.

Last night I cuddled up to LittleDude and as he nursed and cuddled, I realized that one day soon, this will be nothing but a memory. That I will not have him drape his little body over my and hug me with every fiber in his body.

He already is losing his interest babywearing most of the time, how long until he is a really big boy and spreads his wings to fly? Which is of course, the point of being a parent, teaching them how to be independent.

I love him and love his snuggles for now.

Princess and her Sister

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Sat, 01 Aug 2015 04:30:00 +0000

Princess has a best friend- she has been best friends with this girl since the first day of kindergarten. They met on the playground and never looked back.

At first it was playdates supervised by parents-- making sure they were sharing- and being nice. It evolved into talks on the phone and sleepovers. Now they text-- and rove from one house to another like a pair of hungry bandits.

It has evolved from a friendship to sisterhood. They bicker like sisters, but love each other. They squabble and just as soon as I have figured out what happened they are begging to see each other.

Watching them together is wonderful, I love knowing that Princess has someone (and a spare set of parents) to look out for her- love her- and support her.

I am so thankful to the family who we love and consider our family. Princess's friend and her family are included in our family activities- because family is more than just relatives.

Princess and her sister(friend) will remain friends forever, I bet. They have already supported and seen each other through some tough times- with grace and care that I could use a lesson in. They also share joy and hope- and everything that tween girls should- the giggles and the smiles.

To Friend's family-- thank you for loving our Princess. We love you and your family dearly. We are deeply thankful.

Why do they grow up

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Thu, 23 Jul 2015 16:43:00 +0000

Someone posted a thing on Facebook the other night about the "Last Time".

When was the last time I nursed Pixie-- clearly there was one time that was the last time. There was one time that I held her close and had her nurse. I don't remember when this was- which is sad- I feel like there should have been a way to mark that. This is true for all of the kids (except LittleDude) who is still nursing.

When was the last time I picked up Stinky and carried him to bed? Or put him on my back? There obviously was a last time but I don't know when that was.

I don't know what "last time" will be next. Will it be the last time I "muggle" Pixie and Peas? Will it be carrying them to bed? Reading them a story? When will it be the last time to hold their hands to cross the street?

Even knowing that that this last time is looming- it can be hard to appreciate the little things. It can be hard to remember to cherish the snuggles, the talks, the hand holding. I hope I can learn to value this time as much as I should.

Its been quiet around here huh?

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Thu, 16 Jul 2015 03:38:00 +0000

Well--- sometimes no news is good news, sometimes no news is just busy, and sometimes, no news means my kidney is up to trickery and I am having hard time accepting it.

I got sick in June. Like I do, I wished it away, figured that it was stress and it would get better. I went to the doctor after a few days and he gave me antibiotics and all was well. A few days later, I couldn't keep anything down. Even the Zofran for nausea. So went to the ER. After waiting a year and a day the doc took one look at me and admitted me. She seriously didn't even run labs first.

7 days. 7 days on IV antibiotics to kick this infection.

Home for a few days.

Then sick again.

This time with scary bacteria. My kidney does a go big or go home thing apparently-- and it goes big.

So now I am on antibiotics-- they make me very very tired and have some other fun side effects. Also learned today that I will need to investigate some funky stuff on my ovaries further.

But........

I am ok. My kids are great, having a wonderful summer. B is wonderful. life is beautiful

Right now, I can be awake for about 2 hours before I need to sleep again, so I will write more when I have more energy.

SCOTUS made a good call

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Mon, 06 Jul 2015 02:40:00 +0000

I am an LGBTQ ally. If you know me you know this. I am thrilled that gay and lesbian people are now being afforded the right to marry.

It is saddening to see that so many people are less than happy about this decision and using their faith as the reasoning for their opinion.

The area in which I live is heavily Christian- and that is great. No problem. But what I have an issue with is Christians expecting everyone else to abide by their version of morality-- because the bible said so.

My faith religious belief does not impact my support for gay marriage at all-- as my faith is mine no one else's. And even if my faith dictated that gay an lesbian people should not be allowed to marry based on the bible it still does not impact the secular rights that need to be afforded to all people.

This is one of the greatest things about America-- we have a separation of church and state. Church beliefs do not get to impact state laws. Not everyone has the same faith or beliefs even if they have the same holy book- and as we cannot email G-d and ask for clarification the best thing we can do is to offer love and acceptance. I firmly believe that love will be more acceptable to G-d than condemnation and judgement.

Just because the bible says that we must "keep holy the sabbath" we do not have laws that force people to go to church (or other house of worship)

Some people cite that G-d calls homosexuality an abomination--- well there are a bunch of things that are said to be an abomination to G-d.

Proverbs 12:22 "lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, But those who deal faithfully are His delight" where is the outcry against dishonesty (have we seen what happens in politics?)

Proverbs 6:5 "Everyone who is proud of heart is an abomination to the LORD, Assuredly he will not be unpunished"

I can keep listing these quotes--- (thanks Mom and Dad for religious education-- see I did pay attention)

If so many things are an abomination to G-d why are we so obsessed with this one? Why is this one the lightening rod? Why are we so convinced that we need prevent other people from entering a loving committed marriage and enjoying the legal benefits that come because of it?

If people are/were making a push to force a church or house of faith to wed a gay couple then I would support the church-- as a private house of faith they have the right to stick to whatever they believe- without government interference.

It does go both ways though-- if the government cannot force a church to marry a gay couple then a religion cannot force a government not to marry a gay couple.

Separation of church and state is a fantastic thing. The ruling has literally NO impact on anyone who is not LGBTQ and does not want to get married.

In a follow up post I will address how the SCOTUS ruling is not violating states rights.

StripCraft and Booty Work

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Thu, 11 Jun 2015 01:07:00 +0000

A while ago I was fortunate enough to take a workshop with the incomparable Lux ATL one of the most amazing women I have ever had the privilege to meet.

I love pole. It is my sanctuary, it functions as a work-out, social time, therapy, and so much more for me. However, I am not much of a dancer, I struggle with flow. I struggle with confidence, I struggle...

This workshop was heaven. It was home.

First: Lux is crazy smart. Which is so cool-- but not unusual in the pole world- the number of women who are unbelievably smart is staggering. What makes Lux unique is that she is so approachable she accepts and values her students as women where ever we are. She also speaks her mind- this is hard. As a women if you speak your mind too loudly you're a bitch or worse... Lux embraces this and encourages women to embrace this.. I have an awesome shirt from her that reads "pro bitch"

When I dance I get self conscious and convince myself that everyone is so much better than I am- so much sexier-- essentially just that I stink.

Which leads me to....

Second: It was like she was talking to me when she was laying out the class. Which leads me to believe my fears and anxieties are not unusual.

The first tenet of her class is:

Only you possess what only you possess

Simple, huh? Well yes, this makes sense, but how do I know what I possess that only I possess? That is the journey. That we all have to learn and to learn it we have to play with a lot of things and inevitably make mistakes. As we are learning and on our jouney, remember that everyone else is on their own journey and we may all be making mistakes as we learn and grow.

The second is:

Be vulnerable. Be willing to act weird in public

I certainly and self conscious and am afraid to act silly in public for fear of "what will people think?"
By staying in my comfort zone I am limiting myself and not growing. Growth happens outside an individual's comfort zone. Make an impression. Be weird. Have fun. Embrace it.

The third and final tenet is:

No shame. No fear. No apologies. Just Love.

This one have a hard time with. I struggle with shame. I struggle with being fearful. I apologize way too much. I can extent love and acceptance to everyone but myself. Recently, Amy Schumer did a skit on women and apologizing and how we as women apologize for everything.

So I am working on it.

I also plan on taking her classes again to really have the chance to better absorb her wisdom and learn from her incredible booty isolation ways.

Day to day- I am carrying her lessons with me, and not just practicing booty isolations in traffic- but embracing myself for who I am and loving it. All of it.

My 3 Year Old made an Amazon order

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Tue, 12 May 2015 20:59:00 +0000

I should have guessed that it would happen at some point. Little Dude ordered a whole season of his favorite show "Paw Patrol" from Amazon.

Recently, I ordered a kindle fire relatively recently, and he loves it. Sadly, I have not figured out how to prevent purchases like this, and until this incident, I didn't even look into it.

The other night I started getting notifications on my phone that Amazon purchases had been made, little confirmation emails thanking me for my order. I thought nothing of it at first, thinking that maybe B had ordered a few shows--- then they kept coming, and I texted him to see what he had been buying... nothing. LittleDude, was sitting right next to him and he was paying no attention to what was happening (typical). While LittleDude was sitting there, innocent as can be and he bought a whole season of Paw Patrol and several other episodes.

I suppose it was bound to happen sometime or another. I am glad that it was less expensive than it could be.

Different Family Values

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Wed, 22 Apr 2015 02:03:00 +0000

I have had some rough times in my life- many of them in fact.

As much as these times have sucked- my family has always helped me through them. Yes, there were times of tough love- and a lot of times I was exceptionally angry with them- but when it has come down to it-- when I really desperately needed them they have helped.

When I had my first daughter and I had nothing for her- my mom came and helped, she taught me how to take care of my very very tiny baby.

She has come down at the drop of a hat when I have had a medical (kidney) emergency. She has come down for kids grandparents days. She is present in our lives. My sister and my aunts/ cousins are the same way.

So now B is hurt. His family has not really called to check on him frequently, not really offering help-- they have helped- but only when we have insisted. Interestingly- it has not been B's immediate family offering to help- it has been his aunts and uncles.

His side of the family has always kind of confused me- they were even less helpful when I was sick, but I had assumed that it was because I was not their child and they felt that my family had the obligation.

I don't get it.

When my family or friends need help- or even if they need company- I'm there. If I can give or do something I will- I know what it is like to feel alone, vulnerable, scared, and overwhelmed-- and it is pretty darn miserable.

Life with a dictator

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Thu, 09 Apr 2015 23:50:00 +0000

Little dude looks sweet and cute right??

He is a dictator.

He declares what he wants and expects his wishes to be obeyed forthwith. Heaven help whom ever does not understand what he is saying. Because he knows exactly what he is saying.

Inspector Gadget! NOW. Paw Patrol! STAT!

There are a lot of sayings about terrible 2's but 3's are really hard. They know what they want, they can communicate it somewhat, and they are more determined so you can't try and distract them with something really cool (well you can-- and they may even humor you- but they will be back for what they initially wanted).

Three year olds can run the house if you let them. Sometimes that is all that keeps my sanity--- LittleDude wants Chuggers?! Fine! He gets Chuggers.. Learn picking battles is half of being a parent. I frequently tell the bigger kids to just give him what he wants so he will stop holding the house hostage with screams.

Logically- I know that 3 years is a huge developmental time and he is beginning to see the world does not revolve around him. He is learning that wants do not always equal needs. Which can be a hard pill for a three year old to swallow.