making it fun

Dear Princess

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 23:37:00 +0000

Dear Princess,

Thank you for the early sampling of teenage angst today. I will remember to up my Prozac dose before you officially hit your teens.

All joking aside you are a great kid.

I love watching you grow and learn. It is fun to see you explore and learn.

Chatting with you is pretty awesome, I love hearing your perspective on things and learning how you think.

I still cannot believe that you are the same 3lb little bundle that made me a mother. You were so tiny! But so determined. You never let anything stand in your way even in the NICU.

You are compassionate and loving to adults and kids. I am so thankful to be your mother. I hope you are as proud of yourself as I am of you.

xoxo

Mama

and I considered changing my name

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 21:44:00 +0000

Pixie has arrived at her two year old self with a vengeance.

She can follow me throughout the house and say "Mama? Mama what is that?"

She loves pushing every single limit she can, if I ask her to not do something it is like an open invitation to do it.

This can go one of two basic ways. I can end up hiding, locked in the bathroom or I can realize that she is 2. I am considerably older.

My solution is to not manipulate her into doing things my way, but to find away to say 'yes' more often.

Personally, I am still learning how to do this. My knee jerk reaction is to be frustrated and annoyed and make her do things my way. Which makes us both upset. So I am now looking for ways to make 'yes' a reality.

She wants to climb? Maybe we can go to the park. She wants to run? Is there anyway we can all go outside?

I am learning. I am far from perfect but I hope I can learn to respond with fun and joy rather than frustration and irritation.

for the love of wine

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 23:46:00 +0000

One of the things I miss most while pregnant is wine. I really like wine. I am already planning what kind of wine I am going to have after delivery.
Champagne seems like an obvious choice right? A special occasion requires celebration right?

What kind would be best? Dom is almost cliche at this point and Veuve Yellow Label can be purchased at Target- which hardly screams a special occasion. Any brilliant ideas?

Brought To By Wine.com, Purveyors of Fine Wine and Champagne

Why I talk about it

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 10:21:00 +0000

Several years ago, I was chatting with an acquaintance who would become a friend and somehow depression, medication, anxiety came up. I unabashedly told her that I was on xyz medication. We all lived to tell the tale.

When I told my husband later her cautioned me not to tell anyone that I had anxiety issues or was taking something for it. Because people may think I am crazy (well-- I am crazy- but in a good way I like to think).

I questioned why the secrecy, it is just adding to the stigma. I wouldn't think twice about telling someone I take Advair for my asthma. I have an issue, I am taking care of it.

Granted, I do not volunteer all the dirty little secrets of my life or about some of my darker moments, but that is more because I don't know the words to use to describe them, and my memory of the time is fuzzy at best.

Women, mothers especially seem to have this "I need to have it all" or "I need to do it all" syndrome. We have the need to at least look like we can manage the kids, the house, a career, pets, and 10 other things while dressed in fashionable clothes and wearing subtle yet pretty make-up. It is like juggling wet cats on a beach ball. Something has got to give.

Because of our (my) desire to do everything we (I) often are hiding our feelings, sometimes even from ourselves(myself).

I talk about it so that other women can see that someone can be a functional person, even with issues, that taking medication does not brand you with a letter "M".

I talk about it so that my kids will know that it is okay to admit that you need help.

I talk about it so that maybe another mom will feel safe enough to get help and see that there is a life on the other side.

I talk about it so it is not some scary secret, that is terrifying until brought to light.

13 Years

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 20:54:00 +0000

On the 13th. I was a little busy this year trying not to have a baby- but the 13th did not go by unnoticed, especially because it was a Friday.

13 years ago I went to Utah. 13 years ago my life changed. 13 years ago....

My mom wonders why I do not just let it go. Why I still think about it. Why I am still dealing with it. Why it hasn't become something mundane.

Honestly, I do not anticipate it will ever be something mundane. I do not think I will ever let it go. How can I? How can I let go- essentially being kidnapped in the middle of the night by 2 strangers to fly across the country with my parents blessing, taking only a teddy bear, my violin, and my favorite book (I have always been a book nerd).

I remember it all so clearly, but like I was watching it, in the third person. It was cold (duh), there was a lot of snow. We got to the airport and the escorts (there are actual companies who supply people to take teens to treatment centers) and I had developed a report enough so that they let me go to the bathroom alone.

When I think back to that day, I have a reaction that I cannot explain. It is a visceral gut reaction. My chest burns. My eyes water. My breath is short. I become confused and disoriented. I cannot think of words to describe it.

So yeah. 13 years.

Attitude adjustment.

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 15:44:00 +0000

We are 18 days into the new year and I have already done a bang up job of messing up my Resolution to choose joy- to chose bliss.

I have had a capitalistic attitude and I am feeling the results. I have been feeding into to the negativity, and I totally feel it. I am short, snippy, and impatient and it is stopping.

From today- I will endeavor to see the good, to feel gratitude, to see the small things, to appreciate the silly and mundane.

I may not be 100% successful especially at such a radical shift in thinking, so small victories will be embraced and celebrated.

Today I chose bliss.

My response to transgender girl scouts

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 21:05:00 +0000

I am a proud member of Girl Scouts of The United States of America.

I am even prouder that the Girl Scouts are being so courageous to welcome everyone.

Girls- especially girls who may not fit the 'norm' need to be and deserve to be supported and nurtured, not judged and ostracized.

A few parents have asked how I would feel if my daughter's troop had a transgender child in it. While obviously, I cannot tell exactly, because I am not in that situation, I have to say- that on the whole- great- I would be proud of her for welcoming and accepting another person. I would be thrilled that she would be exposed to a wide variety of people. We are not all alike. Our differences are something that should be celebrated- not shamed.

I suppose this is where, for me, at least, things get complicated. If the Girl Scouts wanted tax money/breaks/benefits then they should be held to a non-discrimination code, that welcomes everyone. If they wanted to be maintained as a private organization- then I would have to support their right to prohibit people from joining- but I would not like it.

As it stands, I am thrilled to be a part of an organization that is is courageous enough to stand up for everyone and welcome all girls.

And yes- I will be buying a ton of cookies this year. It is a darn good thing they freeze well.

What to say!

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 14:39:00 +0000

I feel like I should be brimming with post inspiration but I am not.

Maybe things just got the better of me. Maybe in all of the stress- things got lost.

Good news- no baby yet.

Yay!

Bad news- pre-term labor is stressful.

I spent the past few days up on a labor and delivery floor of a hospital- apparently coming precariously close to delivering (I did not know this).

Granted- full term is a dream in my world. 35 weeks is a dream in my world.

I guess, the OBs, MFMs, and nurses all thought that I was very close to delivering a very premature baby boy the past few days. This is not something they shared with me. As far as I knew it was run of the mill- early contractions- that needed to be monitored stopped so they did not turn into something more serious. After chatting with one of the nurses- I learned how concerned they were.

Upon learning this, I was kind of pissed- not kind of pissed- really pissed. I should have known! Someone should have told me! Why was I not told? Shouldn't me- the mother be informed of this? I mean if I am about to delivery a very premature baby- I need to prepare, at minimum emotionally, and arrange child care- among other things.

One of my major frustrations is that every time a different doctor came in they had a different plan or opinion. For me, a planner, this is a problem, what was more- was most of the plans were based on opinion and experience not necessarily hard and fast evidence or able to be supported with sound reasoning- which is a huge giant super enormous issue for me.

Added to this unbelievable stress is that my family is owed in excess of $6,000- which would really really come in handy right about now. We are stretched so thin- and yes- I should be- and am thankful for the blessings I have been given- the added stress of being genuinely scared about paying the mortgage is not helping matters.

Pre term= no fun

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 01:46:00 +0000

Greetings! I am coming to you today live from room 2513 of Labor and Delivery of Central DuPage Hospital.

Baby boy thought for a few minutes that it would be fun to be born. He, thankfully, changed his mind and is now just testing my patience.

Apparently, I gave the L/D floor a run for their money. Contracting every 2 minutes, shortening cervix, softening, dilating cervix....

Seriously, I did not have the "Oh, I am having a baby today" feeling like I have gotten every other time. Just something different about the days on which I delivered. I didn't have that then. So honestly, I never got nervous. I never had the "OH CRAP! I am scared" feeling.

Pregnancy Insanity

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 19:45:00 +0000

Pregnancy has to be defensible cause for insanity. Really.

The hormones, the fatigue, the fact that I have another person sharing my body (and it is not multiple personality disorder). It is of little wonder that pregnant women are a little 'off'.

Yesterday, I decided I wanted to wear a specific pair of pants. Only those pants would do. Of course, I couldn't find them. So I proceeded to power through the mountain of laundry that was taking over the basement- under the assumption that they would be in there. They weren't.

I was getting nervous. Upset. Distressed. Where were my pants? I needed my pants, darn it!

Yes, I looked in my dresser. They were not there. I looked in my closet- no luck. By then, I was was really annoyed. I glowered. I fussed. I snapped at the kids, the dogs, the cats. I seriously considered buying another pair of pants because I was absolutely sure that there was no way I could make it through the remainder of my pregnancy without them.

My pants were still missing.

I found them today- in my dresser- of course.

When the days drag-

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 16:32:00 +0000

I know a fair amount of pregnant women. They seem to always say that "this pregnancy is flying by!"

I think the are insane. The first five and a half months are a haze of nausea- where each moment seemed to last a week. Now I am in the fires of heartburn. I feel like I have the gestation time of an elephant.

My pregnancy is not flying by the days, weeks, and months seem to be dragging so slowly, that time is almost moving backwards.

I am not really experiencing anxiety about this birth, it is not the my first time down this road. I am preparing with relaxation cds, with a doula, with a birth plan that can double as a book, but I am impatient.

How do you deal with the impatience when you know there are at least 11 weeks left? 11 weeks may as well be 11 years from where I sit.

It is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that this is the last time I will be pregnant. This is the last time I will feel another person inside me. This is the last chance that I will have to grow a person. Of course, when I think about it like that, a profound sense of guilt washes over me, like how can I take this for granted? How can I not be soaking up every last kick and wriggle?

Maybe, I should set aside time every day to do nothing but focus on my son. Nothing but focus on feeling him and enjoy it.

Glee-fully Confused

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 18:19:00 +0000

I'll admit I am behind on the few shows that I do dedicate the time to watch.

I just managed to catch up on Glee and I am a little confused.

What is with the Judy Garland Christmas thing? It was like watching an old Nick at Nite Special. Did not love.

Another thing- aside from Rachel's greedy gift grabby behavior- I thought she was Jewish? Why is she hounding Finn for Christmas present? Why not have her teach Finn about Hanukkah traditions? This year Christmas fell on the 6th night of Hanukkah so why not take advantage of dual holiday celebrations?

why will they not sleep?

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 20:34:00 +0000

I officially would like to take back every single time I was a kid and did not want to take a nap or go to bed.

Now- as an adult- I am exhausted. I wake up tired. Go to bed tired. Just exist in a general state of tiredness.

The kids are obviously tired. Eye rubs, yawns, stretches, fussy moods, they are obviously in need of rest. Yet they resist.

I am not really big into strict schedules, but more into listening to a body's signals. Teaching them to listen to their bodies is challenging though.

What do they have against sleep anyway? What is so bad about it? There is nothing remarkable happening that they will miss, why the resistance?

Alone in a crowd

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 15:01:00 +0000

Very rarely am I alone. There are usually 4 children orbiting around me closely. Chattering, needing something, asking something.

But in that, I get very lonely. Often, I spend a significant portion of my time feeling very alone. I think this kind of loneliness is worse than actually being alone because I am limited to what I can do. I can't read a book and expect to get very far with four kids, I can't go to the library and just be, I can't really do much that are some of the good parts about being alone.

Kids are kids, they are concerned with what they need at any given moment. This is typical kid behavior. Sometimes though, it would be nice to have an actual grown up conversation. It would be nice to actually, be heard, be listened too. Not have to repeat myself 50 times to get a child to do some request.

There has to be humor in here somewhere. There has to be. I will find it. Or will lose what remains of my mind. I may turn into the type of parent I do not want to be the crabby, snippy, mean, mama who yells and has no patience and see little joy.

Perspective, is 9/10 of reality right? Help me change mine.

Ammending the Christmas Dinner that wasn't....

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 15:33:00 +0000

I have received new information today- that I need to share regarding my previous post of "The Christmas Dinner That Wasn't"

Apparently, the invitation that was extended indicated that the gathering would only be dessert and coffee. This bit of information was lost in the message passing (remember the game "Telephone" from childhood?)

This information never reached my little branch of the family so we were entirely unprepared and the children unfed, and hungry. Had we been aware of the plans our preparation for the day would have been different.

I am very sorry for any offense I caused, it was unintentional. My post was a commentary on what happened from the information that we had been given. To my in-laws- I know that you adore the kids and take wonderful care of them- often times better than I do.

Hopefully, new ideas of how to spread information to family members regarding get-togethers will minimize or eliminate something like this from happening again.

The Christmas Dinner that wasn't

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 15:27:00 +0000

Admittedly, I am not up on Christmas traditions, but I thought that a Christmas meal- usually dinner was fairly standard. It usually including, turkey, ham, or a roast and then a variety of sides. I was wrong.

We were invited (read: expected) to attend Christmas celebrations at B's aunts home, about an hour away from our home, at 3pm.

We arrived, and visited, the kids played and were adorable in general. Soon Grandpa announced it was time to open presents. The kids raced into the living room, waited, ready to bound up to the tree to retrieve a gift when their name was called.

Gifts were passed and opened. The wrapping cleaned up. The family scattered. By this time it was nearly 6 pm. My kids were coming up to expressing their hunger, I asked one of the aunts, and the kids were given pretzels. Shortly, they made coffee and pulled out some cookies. My kids were still hungry so we held on as long as we could before making an exit. At 8pm we could wait no more, and we left.

We then proceeded to scavenge for food, as we were an hour away from home with overtired and hungry kids.

A few things I learned: ask, always ask- even if it seems obvious- ask. If I ever host Christmas- have a lot of food- even if it is at an off time.

****I have been given new information that I need to share- it clarifies what happened- there was a communication breakdown****

Gifts

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 13:52:00 +0000

... and not those under the tree.

One of the best things my awesome group of friends has taught me and shared with me is to bring meals to people when they are recovering from something, or just having a hard time.

This was shared with me many times and I am deeply indebted to the wonderful people who shared with me. Now I am enjoying the ability to do it for others.

It is a fantastic thing to do for another family, and really if you are cooking for your own family it is not that much harder to double the recipe.

I am so so thankful to my amazing friends for sharing this gift with me. I am so thankful I can now share it with others.

Just reminding you......

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 14:56:00 +0000

The other day I woke up really crampy. I am pregnant so aches etc are kind of normal.

As the day went on the crampy became Braxton Hicks contractions. Which I can do all day and not think anything of as long as they are not getting closer together, more intense, I will just ignore them.

These contractions got into a definite pattern. For long enough that it got my attention.

So I had a big bottle of water and used it as an excuse to sit down and relax. They kept coming. So I called the doctor. Explained that I was having contractions and I had four previous preemie births..etc. She said to go to L/D. Fab. I said as soon as I got child care arranged I would.

So I went home and had a few more glasses of water. The contractions slowed down considerably and became more sporadic. I called the OB again and gave him an update, and asked if he really wanted me to come in. That the contractions were more like little reminders every so often that I was still, in fact, pregnant. As if I would forget being 7 months pregnant with baby #45945800222.

Muppet angst

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 15:39:00 +0000

I must confess, I do not like the Muppets. In fact, I actively avoid them. They kind of freak me out.

A lot of people have really really grand memories of them- but I don't. I remember being really scared by them. I must have just seen them at the perfect developmental time to leave a lasting negative impression. I have no specific reason that I can recall that cemented that perception in my head.

Really I have tried to give them a chance, I have tried to watch them. But I cannot get past the mental block. I just get really uncomfortable.

Fraggle Rock is the same- lots of people my age love it- I avoid it. Something about the giant monsters living on the other side of the cave thingy- just freaks me out.

Are there any children's shows that just don't sit well with you?

Don't Cry (it out) please.

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 14:43:00 +0000

I may get a lot of flack for this- and that is okay. I guess. What is popular is not always right and what is right is not always popular....

Anyway. I do not like Cry It Out (CIO) or sleep training for babies. It just seems so mean.

I am a mother. My job does not come with 'off' time. My job does not end when the sun goes down. My job is a 24/7 deal. Sure, I get breaks, that is what family and sitters are for. Sure, I get tired. Sure, I get crabby. But I cannot get behind purposefully neglecting my child's needs- physical or emotional.

Inevitably, I will mess up what I am trying to say so please bear with me. But when there is nothing left of me to give- then what? Being an attached and connected mother is about learning to recognize and respect my child's needs as an individual. It also involves teaching them to recognize and respect other people's needs- including mine.

Believe me I know what it is like to look at your child and want to scream, cry, and or beg for him or her to just for the love of all that is holy go to sleep. I know the fatigue that causes dizziness and forgetfulness. I live it. I understand, the motivation behind parents who think that letting their child CIO is better because then they can sleep and be better parents. I honestly believe that almost no parent looks at their child and thinks, "ok cool- this can really mess with your developing brain, I wonder how else I can screw my baby up?". I do not agree with the method of CIO though.

Two awesome bloggers who talk about it better than I can are MamaEve and Alternative Mama

The key has to be- that my kids are going to struggle with some things, that is okay. I can let them struggle and support them through that and remain attached and connected. Letting them suffer- that is an entirely different beast. Who would let their child suffer with a broken bone? Who would let a child suffer with a broken heart? Suffering is suffering, physical or emotional.

It is really hard to listen to a baby cry- there is a reason for this, it is an instinctive response. How often are we told to trust our instincts? Trust this one.

The babies learn to self-regulate from parents. They learn and grow through being held. Having their needs met. I would rather my babies learn that adults are there to take care of children and meet their needs than that the world is a cold and isolating place.

There is no evidence to support CIO as a good thing, and lots of evidence to support its negative impact:

We know now that leaving babies to cry is a good way to make a less intelligent, less healthy but more anxious, uncooperative and alienated person who can pass the same or worse traits on to the next generation.

~Darcia Narvaez Psychology Today

I think part of the key is to recognize that it is a relationship between a mother and child. No one is 'in control' of a relationship. It is a mutual thing.

Meet your child's needs. Physical and emotional.

challenging kids

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 19:12:00 +0000

Parenting my kids, alone most of the time, can be really challenging.

Each of the kids has his or her own personality.

Peas, has enough personality to go around for several people, and she can be very challenging. She is so intense, so passionate, so so much.

This is adorable and sweet when she is happy, but undeniably frustrating when she is upset or you are trying to get her to do something she is not so inclined to do.

For example, she is a snuggler. She loves to snuggle and cuddle. Literally, I think her body just needs that much stimulation and contact, it is very tiring for an adult though.

Last night, as she nestled in, I realized something. For some reason, that clearly, I do not understand, she picked me for her mother. For some reason, she was given to me. I do not know why, but that isn't my job. My job is to love and nurture her. To foster her growth and development so she can be the best that she can be.

This is a job that I have to take seriously. I may never understand why G-d chose me for her mother. But I do know she is special. She is sweet. She is energetic. She is who she is and that is pretty great.

SIT(s) down and enjoy yourself

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 13:04:00 +0000

Hi! Welcome to my little corner of the Blogosphere! I meant to write this post the yesterday but thanks to a migraine not much got done.

A little about me:

I have 4 kids. I am expecting the 5th (!!) in the Spring.
My marriage is not my first marriage- not totally unusual but still something that influences me.
I am very short- like barely (not quite) 5'.
I am very active. I have to be busy or I go nuts!

Again welcome! I hope you like what you read- and forgive any errors- I rarely have uninterrupted time!

If you are so inclined follow me on twitter @almostsinglemom

Thanks for coming by! I will visit you in return- promise!

Why I WIll Never Be A Helicopter Parent

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 16:35:00 +0000

First- logistics. There are four children (soon to be five) and one of me. I simply cannot be hovering over every move.

Second- how are my kids going to learn independence and self-reliance if I am constantly hovering? Problem solving skills and creative thinking are learned skills and practice, makes perfect.

Of course I am not going to tell Peas to walk to school on her own, but I do encourage her to get her own water, etc. Small steps lead to larger ones.

This means, I let my kids make mistakes. I let them make messes. I let them skin their knees.

I help clean up, help them learn, comfort them, and move forward, but how can they learn if they don't make a few mistakes along the way? Obviously, if the learning curve for a particular mistake is to steep- I'll step in- like not letting kids play in a road or something, but for little things, they can learn by doing.

If and when they ever need me, I will be there. Because I love them I want them to be independent.

Holiday Treats

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 18:16:00 +0000

The holidays are almost synonymous with special treats and wonderful food. There are some food items that just make the holiday. Would Thanksgiving be the same without a turkey? No. Would Hanukkah be the same without Latkes? No.

As a child my mom would bake holiday cookies, and thankfully she always let me help- even though I am sure I was more of a hindrance. However, I remember making cookie cutter cookies at my little table with my mom and mixing up icing to decorate them with. I remember rolling crescents in powdered sugar and making thimble cookies.

This morning Peas and I made cookie cutter cookies. Well rolled them out and cut them out at least, we made the dough a few days ago. We will decorate them tonight, but for a few minutes I could remember my mother and making cookies. I hope that my kids will look back on it as fondly as I do.

Where is the snow?

noreply@blogger.com (Just Me) — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 00:19:00 +0000

It is December 8th. I live in the Chicago area. There should be snow. Thus far, there have been flurries. Flurries don't count. I want actual stick to the ground, winter wonderland snow.

I hope it will happen soon.

There are snow withdrawls here! I love the season changes, I need them, but I actually need the weather featured in the season. Like this summer when we had 100 degree days, it was awesome. The blizzard last winter: awesome.

Now, SNOW please!