Just For Laugh!

[Dark Humor] [Long] [NSFW] A joke, from Russia with love ;) Sry if anyone is offended. Not my intention.

2020-11-02T06:33:00.001-08:00

Long, Russian joke I know which I translated to the best I could. Not really pc. Sry D:

A Russian, a German and a Jew stand on the roof of a burning skyscraper. The floors beneath them are engulfed in flames. No where to run. The 3 man, in sheer panic, have nowhere to escape to.

So the Russian goes to ledge and thinks for himself: "I don't want to die. Not in such a gruesome way like burning alive. I rather jump from the building an take my chances." But he still fears death so he stops at the ledge and doesn't know which to pick. Suddenly an angel appears before him and says: "Russian, listen to me: Believe in the lord, send him your prayers and he will safe you. The lord is your Shepard. Just believe in him and jump!"

The Russian, full of doubt but with no other way out, decides to believe in this strange occurrence, goes for the ledge and with a last prayer on his lips, jumps off the building. He falls to the ground with a gut wrenching sound BUT survives without a scratch or even a bit of dust on him and walks away euphorically.

On the roof, both of the remaining men, after witnessing this wonder, starts praying to the lord furiously.

The German decides to try his luck and goes to the ledge. And to his surprise, the same angel appears before him and says :

"German, don't doubt the lord. If you pray to him and believe in his might, he will safe you from this deathtrap. Just believe and let go of all your doubts."

So the German stands there, scared to die, scared to jump. But after a few seconds he goes: "Ach, scheiß drauf (ah fuck it)!” Prays for the last time and goes over the ledge. And with an unholy sound, he slaps onto the ground, but, o praise the lord, with not a single scratch to his body. Frolicking to be alive, he wanders off.

The last guy, Jewish as he is, never doubted the power of the lord, always lived by the Bible and never stopped to believe in the lord. He witnesses those miracles and is happy because he knows that the lord is with them and that he, also will survive. So he goes to the ledge and waits for the angel to appear. And as expected, the same angel appears and says to the Jew:

"Ah I see you are a man of God. I don't need to tell you what to do, as I see, you are prepared and full of faith. So go on, child of the lord, believe and be saved"

Without missing a beat, the Jew closes his eyes, with a smile on his face, jumps of the roof, hits the ground and....dies.

At the same time he dies, his soul goes to heaven and he opens his eyes before the gates of heaven. Seriously confused about his whereabouts, it dawn's on him that he died and is even more confused. Suddenly, the gates opens and God himself appears before the Jew, but although he may be the almighty one, he still seems surprised to see the Jew infront of heavens gate. Therefore he asks him, how he ended up here because he should have lived another 70 years. The man explains God the whole situation and God listens carefully and after a brief moment speaks:

"Well, that didn't go well for you, I am sorry for that. Say, if I get you the angel, would you recognise him again?”

"Of course I would" says the Jew.

So be it. The lord summons all his angels, line's them up and says to the Jew: " Alright, now show me the angel who brought you in this situation."

The Jew slowly goes around, checks the angels and with a grasp suddenly points towards one angel.

J: "That's him, this is the angel who lied to me!" G: "This one, on the far right? Are you absolutely sure??” J: "I am 100% sure that's him. I'd never dare to lie infront of the lord himself!"

God (with sheer frustration in his voice): "Oh for fucks sake! How many time do I need to tell you! Just stop it with them Jews, Adolf!!!"

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Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress

2020-11-01T03:39:00.001-08:00

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night, all three would wear black leather bras, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman : The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my life. I love you.’
Then we made love all night long.

The mistress : Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes, and a raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman : I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night. When my husband came home, I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came through the door and saw me, he said, ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?’

“””””

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A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.

2020-10-31T07:42:00.001-07:00

An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees 3 fucking idiots standing on the train tracks.

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I told my wife that I would like to get a penis tatoo that says "My wife loves this long schlong"

2020-10-30T01:51:00.001-07:00

She told me to stop putting words in her mouth

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9 Best Cooking Kits for Kids That Love Food

2020-10-29T07:57:00.001-07:00

Baketivity

Cost: Starting at $49.92 for a one-month subscription

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Made by parents for parents and kids, Baketivity’s baking boxes arrive with pre-measured ingredients and easy instructions. Designed for children ages four through 10 but perfect for the whole family, the boxes are a creative way to bond and create something scrumptious. Implement some of these timeless cooking tips from grandma when you cook.

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18 new Halloween jokes from 2020

2020-10-28T10:30:00.001-07:00

Q: Where do ghosts buy their Halloween candy?
A: At the ghost-ery store!

Q: What do owls say when they go trick or treating?
A: Happy Owl-ween!

Q: What do ghosts give out to trick or treaters?
A: Booberries!

Q: Who did Frankenstein go trick or treating with?
A: His ghoul friend.

Q: What Halloween candy is never on time for the party?
A: Choco-LATE!

Q: Which type of pants do ghosts wear to trick or treat?
A: Boo jeans.

Q: What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?
A: You never know which witch is which!

Q: What monster plays tricks on Halloween?
A: Prank-enstein!

Q: What fruit do scarecrows love the most?
A: Straw-berries.

Q: What does a witch use to do her hair?
A: Scarespray!

Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is mist.

Q:How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
A: A pumpkin patch.

Q: Why don’t vampires have more friends?
A: Because they are a pain in the neck.

Q: What position does a ghost play in hockey?
A: Ghoulie.

Q: What do you give a vampire when he’s sick?
A: Coffin-drops.

Q: What is a ghost's nose full of?
A: Boooooogers!

Q: Have you heard how popular the local cemetery is?
A: People are just dying to get in.

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept.

#joke #halloween #prank

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I have a confession. Lately I've been greasing up all the wheelchair ramps around town.

2020-10-27T08:57:00.001-07:00

I've tried so hard to stop, but once you start it's a really slippery slope...

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My false teeth are killing me

2020-10-26T07:00:00.001-07:00

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.” “My false teeth are killing me.”

“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.” “Oh please do…” “Give me a day or two.” With this they parted. Two days later the sufferer was handed a package with false teeth in it. He tried them and was astonished to find they were a great improvement but “a little on the tight side.” Saying “Don’t worry, I’ll try again,” two days later he offered another set, but alas the reaction was “Much better, but rather on the loose side.” “Ah, I think I’ve got it! Let me try just once more.”

Sure enough, two days later he handed over a set saying “I think these will really be just right.” Putting them in, the sufferer was astonished to find they really were a very good fit. “Thank you so much. These are just right. You must be a wonderful dentist to be able to get false teeth to fit so well just by looking at them!” Laughing modestly the man replied “Oh I’m not a dentist. I’m a funeral director.”

“””””

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11 Cleaning Secrets Only Professional Dry Cleaners Know

2020-10-25T09:54:00.001-07:00

They’ve got the dirt

When it comes to keeping your clothes clean, dry cleaners know the best methods, from simple solutions for treating stains to how often to get certain things cleaned. While there’s a reason they’re the professionals and there some things only they can do best, they’re also willing to share some of their tried-and-true tips to make your laundry life easier. Plus, check out these 8 secret ingredients you should be adding to your laundry.

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

2020-10-24T04:33:00.001-07:00

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?

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15 Hardest Puzzles You Can Get on Amazon

2020-10-23T08:06:00.001-07:00

Next-level fun

Since the start of the pandemic, we’ve all been looking for interesting things to do at home. You’ve probably taken a bunch of virtual tours and played a whole lot of board games. Maybe you even picked up a quarantine meditation practice or discovered an amazing hobby you’ll never give up. But now that months have gone by, chances are you’re searching for something new. So, how can you pass the time in a way that’s fun, challenging, and—dare we say—relaxing? By tackling a puzzle, of course! If you’re whipping through a 500-piece puzzle in one sitting, it’s time to up the ante. From monochromatic masterpieces to an 18,000-piece tour de force, we’ve got the perfect suggestions for you.

Note: Prices listed were accurate as of press time; pricing fluctuations may occur.

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What Does the N95 Stand for in N95 Masks?

2020-10-22T07:30:00.001-07:00

A global pandemic

As COVID-19 spreads around the world and cases continue to increase, there are multiple aspects of the worldwide pandemic to pay attention to. From knowing the difference between an epidemic and a pandemic, the signs and symptoms of COVID-19, and what hospital workers need in order to help save patients, there are a lot of new terms to learn. When the coronavirus was at its worst, you probably heard that hospitals needed more ventilators, N95 respirators, and surgical masks, but what does N95 stand for? These are the shortages we’re likely to see in winter because of COVID-19.

What’s an N95 respirator?

First of all, it’s important to note what these masks are. According to the Food and Drug Administration, an N95 respirator is “a respiratory protective device designed to achieve a very close facial fit and very efficient filtration of airborne particles.” A surgical N95 respirator, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), “is a NIOSH-approved N95 respirator that has also been cleared by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) as a surgical mask.” These are the 10 etiquette rules you can now ignore because of COVID-19.

What does N95 stand for?

According to the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health (NIOSH), there are different types of disposable particle respirators and an N95 respirator falls into that category. But what is a disposable particle respirator? According to the CDC, “Particulate respirators are also known as ‘air-purifying respirators’ because they protect by filtering particles out of the air as you breathe. These respirators protect only against particles—not gases or vapors. Since airborne biological agents such as bacteria or viruses are particles, they can be filtered by particulate respirators.”

There are two separate factors in classifying a disposable particle respirator: how the mask filters air and how resistant the mask is to oil. The different ratings in place for respirators indicate how well the mask would protect against oils and are rated as N, R, or P. According to NIOSH, “respirators are rated ‘N,’ if they are Not resistant to oil, ‘R’ if somewhat Resistant to oil, and ‘P’ if strongly resistant (oil Proof).”

This is where the numbers come in. Respirators that filter out 95 percent of airborne particles are given a 95 rating, so N95 respirator filters out 95 percent of airborne particles but is not resistant to oil. The respirators that filter out at least 99 percent of airborne particles have a 99 rating and the ones that filter out 99.97 percent of airborne particles, which NIOSH notes as essentially 100 percent, receive a 100 rating. This is how to stock up, emergency or not.

The similarities and differences between N95 masks and surgeon masks

The CDC has an infographic highlighting the differences between surgical masks and N95 respirators. For example, testing and approval for surgical masks are done by the FDA, whereas testing and approval for N95 respirators are done by NIOSH. Surgical masks are loose-fitting whereas N95 respirators have a tighter fit. For similarities, according to the FDA, both masks are “tested for fluid resistance, filtration efficiency (particulate filtration efficiency and bacterial filtration efficiency), flammability and biocompatibility.” Surgeon masks and N95 masks should not be reused or shared. These uplifting stories of neighbors helping during coronavirus will inspire you to do the same.

Sources:

FDA: “N95 Respirators, Surgical Masks, and Face Masks”
CDC: “Respirator Trusted-Source Information”
CDC: “Understanding Respiratory Protection Against SARS”
CDC: “Understanding the Difference: Surgical Mask and N95 Respirator”
World Health Organization: “Coronavirus disease (COVID-19) advice for the public: When and how to use masks”

How Much the Coronavirus Is Costing the World

Why Clorox Is So Good at Killing Germs

Things Everyone Forgets to Clean—But Shouldn't

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A priest is playing darts

2020-10-21T03:04:00.001-07:00

A priest is playing darts. Every time he misses he yells out: “Jesus Fucking Christ I’m pissed, my shot just missed!”.

A bishop sees him and warns him about using the lords name in vain. “If you use that language again, I shall ask the lord to punish you” he says.

But the priest doesn’t mind him and yells out “Jesus Fucking Christ I’m pissed, my shot just missed!” again so the bishop starts praying for the God to punish the priest.

Suddenly a lightning bolt strikes the bishop dead, and then a divine voice from above declares: “Jesus Fucking Christ I’m pissed, my shot just missed!”.

“””””

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An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut and he tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

2020-10-20T02:18:00.001-07:00

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’s had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does”.

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Most beautiful big tits

2020-10-19T10:51:00.001-07:00

A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful big tits he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you $500, will you let me bite your boob?”

Then women, quite shocked, obviously says no. The man then asks if he can bite her tits for $1,000. The women still says no. The man asks for $5,000, $10,000, $20,000 but the women still refuses. He finally makes his last offer: $100,000 dollars to bite the breasts.

The women, after hearing such a gigantic amount of money accepts to let the man bite her tits.

They go into a small dark street and the women takes her top off.

The man plunges his head into the beautiful breasts and starts playing with them.

The women, starting to get impatient, says: “Are you going to bite it or what?” He then answers: “No, it’s too expensive”

“””””

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A nurse is bathing a female patient who is in coma

2020-10-18T02:09:00.001-07:00

She notices that whenever she touches the genital area, patient's heart rate increases. She gets the idea that oral sex might help her regain consciousness. The nurse then calls patient's husband and tell her that oral sex might revive her and so the husband agrees to help.

The following night, the nurse brings the husband to the patient's room and closes the door to let him begin. Not after two minutes, the alarm goes off and the patient's vitals are critical. The nurse knocks on the door and asks the husband, "Is everything okay in there?". The husband answers, "I think I'm choking her!".

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A patient walks into an optometrist’s office

2020-10-17T03:04:00.001-07:00

A patient walks into an optometrist’s office.

The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there’s any particular reason she came in for a checkup.

“Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing looks like it used to. It’s as if everything I see is shrouded in darkness.”

The optometrist sits back from the patient, confused.

“That’s interesting,” he said, “because from what I can tell, you see 20/20.”

“””””

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What Are Thermostat Ghost Readings?

2020-10-16T10:51:00.001-07:00

Your home’s thermostat functions by taking a reading of the temperature and using that information to regulate when your furnace or air conditioner turns on. That’s great in theory, but note that it only takes account of the temperature immediately surrounding the thermostat. If that area is warmer or colder than the rest of your home, you’ll struggle with uneven temperatures and unnecessarily high utility bills throughout the year (you’ll want to test your thermostat if that’s the case—which is one of those home repairs that anyone can do, really).

These seemingly illogical temperatures are often called “ghost readings” because they seem to reflect an entirely different reality. If you want to keep your home comfortable, it’s time to bust those ghosts and troubleshoot a non-functioning thermostat.

Simple causes and fixes

Common causes for ghost readings include a thermostat exposed to prolonged direct sunlight, a draft source such as a door or window, or a source of heat such as a kitchen or fireplace. Another is a thermostat that’s been placed on an exterior wall, allowing the thermostat to be influenced by the temperature outside.

A thermostat located on a wall next to ductwork or a hot water line presents another potential problem. In both cases, when that utility is used, it will cause a temperature swing that can be detected by the thermostat.

The simplest fix is to move your thermostat to a better location. Look for an interior wall away from sources of heat and cold, protected from direct sunlight. This will usually require fishing a low voltage line from the furnace to the thermostat, but it’s a relatively easy DIY project. Adjusting your thermostat may save you money. Here are 15 tricks to keep your home warm while saving money on heating.

A more involved fix

A slightly more complicated cause of ghost readings is a home whose size or layout makes effective distribution of your treated air difficult. This is often most noticeable in multistory homes where the thermostat is located on the first floor. The temperature difference on other floors can be as much as 10 degrees.

Solutions include a zoned HVAC system or multi-split unit, but there’s also a simpler option. Multi-room temperature sensors are designed to be placed throughout the house, usually connected by a wireless network. With these multiple readings, your thermostat can find a “Goldilocks” balance between the various parts of your home and make the temperature just right.

Some thermostats are even smart enough to use the living areas as their benchmarks during the day and bedrooms at night. After all, what matters most is the comfort level of the areas you use the most. The most comfortable temperature changes with the seasons, such as the best temperature for a house in winter. As for beyond the living room, we’ve got the best ways to keep your garage warm too.

High-tech ghost busting

It’s no surprise that there have been significant advances in smart thermostats and wireless connectivity in the past few years. Many smart thermostats can be controlled via smartphone apps, and they can use your phone’s location to track your movements throughout a home. They can even shut down when you’re more than a certain distance from your home, then turn back on when you return.

Another option: Motion sensors that track the movements of you and your family. That allows the HVAC system to heat or cool according to where you’re spending your time.

Whether you decide to relocate the thermostat or invest in new technology, eliminating ghost readings and streamlining the efficiency of your HVAC system can cut your energy costs. Plus, the better you are at heating your home, the less likely you are to have to plug in a space heater, which can be super dangerous, especially if you plug into a power strip, as so many people do.

15 Tricks to Keep Your Home Warm While Saving on Heating

13 Clever Ways to Slash Your Home Energy Bills

Why Are Some Rooms in My House Way Hotter (or Colder) Than Others?

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identification

2020-10-15T02:39:00.001-07:00

A woman went into a bank to get a check cashed, but she didn't have an account with them. When the teller her asked for some identification, the woman showed her several charge cards, her social security card and a library card.
The teller told her they needed a driver's license, but the woman said she didn't have one.
"Don't you have anything with your picture on it?" the teller asked.
"Oh, sure," she said, as she flipped to a family photo in her wallet. "That's me in the back row."

#joke

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My partner laughed at me when I told her I was going to make a bike out of Macaroni

2020-10-14T03:36:00.001-07:00

You should've seen her face when I cycled pasta.

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A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden

2020-10-13T04:33:00.001-07:00

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"

They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.

"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and Russian agreed on this point but the Russian soon raises an objection to this.

"No clothes, no shelter and they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian"

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Here’s What Happens If a President Won’t Leave Office

2020-10-12T10:42:00.001-07:00

The peaceful transfer of power is one of the fundamental tenets of American democracy. When George Washington‘s second term was over, he voluntarily stepped down and John Adams, who had won the election, took office.

“That was not a constitutional requirement at the time,” says Jon Michaels, a professor in the UCLA School of Law, author of Constitutional Coup: Privatization’s Threat to the American Republic, and noted authority on constitutional law, presidential powers, government ethics, and conflicts of interest. In fact, it’s still not. The 20th Amendment stipulates that a president’s term—outlined in the Constitution as a four-year period—ends at noon on January 20 at the end of those four years. But, the Constitution does not spell out how it is to be handled. Rather, it’s a matter of tradition.

When Thomas Jefferson ran a politically heated campaign against John Adams in 1800, the Electoral College was tied and the outcome had to be decided by the House of Representatives. Even so, once the matter was settled, Adams peacefully vacated the office, setting the precedent for the next 220 years.

Challenging the norms

On September 23, 2020, President Donald Trump wouldn’t commit to following the two-centuries’ old custom when asked during a news conference. It wasn’t the first time he suggested as much: In March 2018, he praised China’s move to abolish presidential term limits, joking that the U.S. might “have to give that a shot someday.”

Now that we are less than a month away from the election, such rhetoric is being taken more seriously. Russell Riley, PhD, professor and co-chair of the Presidential Oral History Program at the Miller Center, a nonpartisan affiliate of the University of Virginia that specializes in presidential scholarship, notes that questions of what happens if a president should refuse to leave office involves “an extraordinarily arcane area of presidential politics.”

Presidential protocol

There is a proscribed sequence of events that happens when the incumbent president’s term expires at the dot of noon on January 20. These include:

The nuclear codes, which allow the president to order a nuclear attack, expire. The military aide who carries the “nuclear football” containing the codes leaves the departing president’s side and joins the president being inaugurated.
The U.S. military switches its allegiance from the outgoing president to the incoming president. Any military orders issued by the outgoing president would be refused. Any officers who obeyed such orders could be arrested and tried on charges of mutiny and sedition.
Likewise, the Secret Service moves to protect the new president and abandons the electoral loser, except for a small unit that will protect him and his family for the remainder of their lives, one of the perks presidents get to keep after leaving office.

These actions make it highly unlikely that a president could go rogue and refuse to leave office. Even if he tried, the new president’s acting attorney general could draw up arrest warrants for charges ranging from criminal trespassing to insurrection.

Legal challenges

That doesn’t mean a candidate couldn’t try to steer the election outcome, or delay its determination, through other means.

If the popular vote indicates that a candidate has won the election by a narrow margin, the results could be contested with lawsuits and other maneuvers. Some would say Trump has laid the groundwork for this by challenging the legitimacy of mail-in ballots, which are expected to comprise more than half of this year’s votes. If election night returns show Trump in the lead—a distinct possibility, as surveys show Trump supporters are more likely to vote in person than Biden backers—he may try to claim victory and stop the counting of mail-in ballots.

Meanwhile, Republican and Democratic parties have already launched dozens of lawsuits each, and other groups have filed hundreds more, primarily centering on mail-in ballot technicalities. Many are hopeful attempts to answer questions before the election, but it’s likely many legal questions will remain well into November and beyond. But, you really don’t have to worry about mail-in ballot safety—one mail carrier explains why.

In the event of a slim popular vote margin, a candidate could also try to leverage the Electoral College and its deadlines. Electors must be chosen no later than 41 days after Election Day. On that date, which is December 14 this year, the electors meet to cast their votes—typically for the candidate who won the popular vote in their state. Then, on December 23, each state submits an electoral certificate to Congress, and on January 6 Congress counts the votes.

However, it’s not always so cut-and-dried. If the electors are selected after December 8, the so-called “safe harbor” date, their validity—and their votes— could be challenged. Our electoral system is complicated; for more information, read the answers to 19 political questions you’ve been too embarrassed to ask.

Another consideration: In 17 states, electors are not required to vote for the winner of the popular vote. Candidates could pressure those state legislatures in several of those states—including the hotly contested Pennsylvania, Florida, Michigan, and Wisconsin—to certify electors who would vote in their favor. If governance of those states is split—say, a Republican legislature with a Democratic governor—states could end up submitting conflicting electoral certificates to Congress and muddying the vote.

The Electoral Count Act

If that happens, the Electoral Count Act would be triggered. This legislation was created after the 1876 Rutherford B. Hayes–Samuel J. Tilden contest, when three states submitted conflicting electoral certificates, preventing an Electoral College majority. The ECA states that in such circumstances, the two houses of Congress vote on which slate of electors to approve. With the Senate currently under Republican control and the House of Representatives currently under Democratic control (though that could change by the time Congress is seated on January 3), a stalemate is possible. However, the act is quite vague on how different scenarios should be resolved, and challenges to the law are expected. The issue could even be sent to the Supreme Court. But, Riley takes issue with this approach, especially given the current rush to confirm a new SCOTUS justice before Election Day. “No justice appointed under these circumstances under any prevailing standard of judgment should agree to issue a ruling on this election. Justices recuse themselves when they are parties to issues coming before the court,” Riley says.

The Presidential Succession Act

This legislation, crafted in 1947, outlines what happens when the office of the president is vacant. If no president or vice president can be selected before January 20, when the current president’s term expires, the Speaker of the House becomes acting president until the situation can be resolved.

According to Riley, this nearly happened in 2000 when voting irregularities in Florida caused election results to be contested. Dennis Hastert, then Speaker of the House, told Riley in a later interview, “The CIA would come and start to brief me. I was going to be the temporary president if the decision wasn’t made by some date in January.” Nevertheless, the situation was resolved and no one except the vice president has ever succeeded the president since the act was signed into law.

Democracy prevails

Riley remains optimistic that none of this will come to pass this year, thanks to the much-maligned Electoral College. “One of the virtues of the Electoral College is that it has the effect of exaggerating the popular vote and accentuates the authority of the person who wins,” he explains. As an example, he says a 4 or 5 percent popular vote win can look like an Electoral College rout. “However in instances where there is a question about the outcome of an election, it cabins the contest to a very narrow area.” He predicts that in the vast majority of states, it’s going to be reasonably clear who won in the upcoming election. “The contest is going to come down to two or three ugly situations.”

But, as Riley notes, many Republicans in power, as well as Democrats, are “openly saying there needs to be a calm and reasoned transfer of power…It helps that you’ve got people in both parties who are saying they’re going to pay careful attention to these things and try to broker a peaceful transition.”

The fact that we don’t have explicit rules or tools to enforce the unwritten pact guaranteeing a peaceful transition is a testament to our collective integrity, Michaels says. “If we have to add it now, it will forever mark this moment as the nadir of our republic.”

Sources:

Jon Michaels, a professor in the UCLA School of Law
Russell Riley, PhD, professor and co-chair of the Presidential Oral History Program at the Miller Center
Pew Research Center:”Americans’ expectations about voting in 2020 presidential election are colored by partisan differences”
Lawrence R. Douglas, a professor in Amerhest College
The Hill: “Trump on Chinese president abolishing term limits: ‘Maybe we’ll give that a shot someday'”
CNBC.com: “Trump won’t commit to a peaceful transfer of power if he loses the election”

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A professor, a CEO, and a janitor

2020-10-11T07:54:00.001-07:00

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”

“””””

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Little Johnny on the plane

2020-10-09T23:35:00.001-07:00

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” said Little Johnny. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.”
“A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
“Jeez,” said the stranger. “I have no idea.”

“Well, then,” said Little Johnny, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

“””””

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College student and a teacher

2020-10-09T07:30:00.001-07:00

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student.

At the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had amazing answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question:

‘You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?’

‘The gold.’

‘Unfortunately, I don’t agree. I’d choose cleverness because that’s more important than money.’

‘Everyone would choose what they don’t have,’ says the student.

The teacher turns red, and he’s so angry he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says:

‘Excuse me sir, you signed my paper, but you forgot to give me my grade!’

“””””

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