Pieces of Me

2018: Revolutionizing Life

2018-06-18T01:06:00.001-04:00

It's been six months since my last post and it’s been an interesting six months.

I returned to work after my recovery time in January and then resigned on May 4, 2018. After realizing my energy being drained and the workload being a bit much and my health was on a slippery slope, I had to make some tough decisions. Mind you, I loved what I did, but the constant of being busy and work piling up if I leave it alone and...it was just getting overwhelming. I lost my interest in social media due to the current political environment. Then I lost my interest in attending church because folks mixed politics with religion...which for me is a big turn off. I strongly believe in the separation of Church and State.

I don’t agree with abortion but I feel that it’s not my business nor my concern about what other women do with their bodies. If that is something they decide, it’s their personal decision! So mind your business and let God deal with them in the end. No one is perfect! SMH. If you don’t support abortion, then stop shaming and judging women who choose to do so. If you don’t like it, then don’t get one. Instead, address the issues of lack of foster parents, making adoption affordable to qualifying families and reducing the amount of kids already in the system. I could never personally have a abortion because that goes against my beliefs. But who’s to say other women share the same sentiments? Besides those who are against, really? When you force your beliefs upon women who do not share in those same beliefs- that’s not how religious freedom work. It’s about respecting other’s beliefs and practicing your own without enforcing them onto those who don’t believe in what you do. No, you may not be okay with abortion, but someone else just may be due to their circumstances and it may just be something that they need to do. If you do not know these women indivdually and

you are generalizing their experiences, you are in my opinion, passing premature judgement on those who just made a very difficult decision. To be honest, it’s 2018, hands off women’s reproductive choices. I’m just tired of all the back and forth. I’ve watched the abortion videos years ago. I’ve heard personally stories of those who have gone through it and while it may be wrong to me, it was the right choice for them. With all these sentiments about kicking people off food stamps and cutting back safety net programs in an economy where the wages are stagnant...what’s the point of having a kid these days if folks are concerned about people utilizing social net programs? I mean really. Birth rates have dropped over the last decade and that in itself has a lot of factors of different reasonings. But unfortunately no once seems to listen or pay attention to what those reasons are.

I chose abortion because so many I know voted on the issue, the one issue instead of the big picture. So I get it, but now, don’t tell me to pray for someone who has been known to be shady and untrustworthy for years. Just don’t. Now everything I’ve warned about, is actually coming true and it just kills me that people love to blame instead of understanding. And many wonder why the world is cold? Well if you’re cold, you’ll get the same exactly treatment back. If you want to see a united front, you need to be more inclusive and open minded and quit blaming and start understanding.

With so much going on in this world, it’s really heartbreaking. And the ones suffering the most are the children. Whether they are in war torn countries or at the southern border, or living in our very communities- what kind of world are we leaving to the future generation? A very mixed generation? Are we really going to make them pay for the choices that personally benefitted those presently back every policy? I mean, are we really limited their ability to be more mobile. It’s just makes me wonder, would I be comfortable with my son in the future world? To be honest no. Not at this time. If the direction was more positive, then so be it, but right now nada.

I’ve been trying to get reorganized. Just earlier I deleted my old FB profile and original 2005. Yes, I was on FB when it started! Now, I’m not really into social media anymore. Not after they allowed news reports and news channels to joint the FB world. It’s just been a hot mess. People pick and choose what fit their views without compromising or being open to a middle ground. It’s sickening, to the point of not even wanting to be on social media. SMH. Yet, I’m good at it, but my passion has died out.

I’ve also been spending time with my son and he’s been talking more to me and letting me know what is up. I missed having to talk and interact with him. I just celebrated him turning the big 1-0 and I cannot believe it - a decade already. Whew!

I hope I can travel this summer, somewhere. I just wanna get out of busy mode and just relax. Plus, I’m looking forward to cutting back off of social media because, it mind blowing how people are treating each other and it’s degrading and not something I wish to be associated with. It’s just not fun to do social media. It’s a great tool, don’t get me wrong, it’s just for me, my passion has been in the goodwill of others, not in seeing name calling or bashing others. It’s just not cool anymore.

All I can do is pray for the world because clearly everyone is hurting. Whether folks agree with that or not, people are hurting everywhere and no one knows how to communicate their feelings anymore or thoughts. So everything gets bottled up. Plus, with society issues also playing a role it’s challenging.

As I look over the last ten years, it has been one heck of a rollercoaster. But as I look forward, hoping the world is still intact, I hope peace and common sense makes a comeback. So for now, I’ll enjoy my time off, but really just to rejuvenate myself before getting serious with anything.

2018 May be a revolutionary year, but I pray it will be positive for all and not the few. Peace.

It’s a Wrap 2017

2017-12-31T21:28:00.000-05:00

What a year! It’s been a very invigorating and reinventive year for me. It also has been quite a turning point year as well.

This year marks two years at my current job and it feels like I've been there longer to be honest. It also marked the first time in ages I was involved in a performance called “Between People” and had an opportunity to share my art with the public through The Affirmative Project. We sold out all four shows during the last weekend of October! We are looking forward to what 2018 will bring!

My son, who will always be a work in progress, is regaining his self-esteem and self-confidence back. Plus, we got to see two of my family members for the first time in three years, and it was great to have them with us for two weeks. I had to have a total single-port laparoscopic hysterectomy performed. Hence, the reason to have family around to help me out and also be there for my son who, was happy to have their company.

For the last three years, I complaint of lower abdominal pain, turned out I had Adenomyosis. This was only discovered after I underwent my hysterectomy, so I made the right choice. To learn more about Adenomyosis click here. Feel free to browse other resources for more information but more importantly if you feel this is something you think could be an issue, I encourage you to have a talk with you gynecologist. I had gone through several ultrasounds and one CT scan and nothing indicated Adenomyosis. The only way it was diagnosis was after my uterus along with tubes and cervix were removed. I had two fibroids that were growing and my IUD (Mirena) was not removed beforehand as one of the fibroids was resting on it. My uterus was four times the normal size and due to the damage caused by Adenomyosis, even if I did the alternative it would have not shrunk back to its normal size. What baffled my doctor was the fact that aside from the ultrasounds and CT Scan NOT picking it up but the two growths of the fibroids, the biopsy of my uterus tissues came back normal! He told me I made the right decision in a surprising manner. The reason he was surprised was that I was okay with having the hysterectomy (at just turned 34 yrs. old) was because I was confident in agreeing to it from the start. I knew something wasn't right and being an athletic individual, my lower abdominal was swelling up and pushing me out of my size 4s to size 8s. So, my belly was not "normal" for me. Besides, I already have one kid and I'm good. I knew my uterus was done. Pay attention to your body, because only you know what feels right and what doesn't.

I'm now entering week 5 of my recovery. I still got some tugging and pulling on my right side as I was told it would feel extra tight due to extra stitches. I will say being without a few paychecks is killing me. But I am looking to returning back to work soon even though I have another post-op appointment coming up in about three weeks. What I noticed though, I was advised to take the full six weeks to recover and not to work at all, but some folks have gone back to work in two weeks. I don't know what kind of surgery they had, but there was no way in hell I was ready on week three post-op for any kind of work. I was still dealing with pain under the incisions and was easily wiped out after just one outing. Knowing how I did after my c-section (which is considered open abdominal) I did land myself back in the ER. Please note, an open abdominal is totally different from laparoscopic surgery. However, how one response to post-op, will vary. A laparoscopic surgery requires less time to heal, but sometimes depending on certain individuals and how their body heals, it may take them longer. An open abdominal surgery, takes longer. It took me about two years to feel "normal". As for now, I am able to get around and do what needs to be done but I still have to deal with being tired. This past week I have been dealing with hot flashes and headaches non-stop. It's a pain, but I'll deal.

But now, it a time to wrap up 2017. I am looking forward to continuous healing, redeveloping my abs back, watching my son continue to grow in his self-confidence and self-esteem, and I'm done with resolutions, whatever good happens, happens. The rest is just history.

Peace.

Rediscovering Self

2017-08-08T23:33:00.003-04:00

Tonight, I just watched The Bold Type on Freeform and the way they touch on issues that are very relevant to today's young adults, it's BOLD! But it got me thinking on my own "hurdles" in my life.

Lately, I've been struggling with my own fears and "issues" and besides not getting much sleep these pass few nights and dreaming dreams that are reflective of my current situation, it's a BITCH.
My dreams have centered around forgiveness, mending and healing. I'm struggling with forgiving someone who I thought I could trust but in the end committed the Ultimate Betrayal in my eyes. In my dreams, this person is trying to reach out to me, figure out how to approach me, knowing they were wrong, BIG TIME. The exchanges in the dream are not very forgiving. I still feel very angry, very hurt and very strong about wanting to do some serious damage back. I still feel like I am owe an apology. I still feel like my voice doesn't matter to them at all. I still feel like my feelings are a mute point. I still feel like no matter what I do, it's always going to be my fault and I didn't do a damn thing. All I did was try to make things work for all but all that effort and time - it didn't matter. It just didn't matter.

I'm a person who will stand up for herself and I will not back down if someone tries to smear me. I will fight back, tooth and nails. There's a reason for the black cat tattoo I have. I will tell anyone straight up if you lie to me and it benefits you, oooh, you'll be sooo sorry. I can be unforgiving at times, especially with those who go beyond betrayal. My son, who is spending his last year in the single digits is very much the same way. You do something that neither of us like very much, when it becomes unforgiving, it's that pain and ache that is so big, that neither one of us have the time or the patience to actually process. It's gonna take both of us a little longer because, I got my own and my son has his, but when something is unforgiving, that means its in a territory where you accepted apology after apology, gave chance after chance and the person's behavior never changed. The same things kept happening over and over...all you want to do is shake this person and scream at them to STOP! A part of you want to see them learn from their mistakes and grow and the other part of you wants to do things that isn't worth risking your life on. The part where you truly want them to learn from what they did wrong and grow from it, is a part that comes from caring place and wanting the best outcome for them. However, they may not always view it as such, which is what make's it challenging. You love them but HATE how they make you feel. But you see that they are hurting too and you want to show you feel for them but you just can't. Conflicting? I would say so.

I will say I am angry still. I know it's not my fault but when you feel like you had a hand in something, you owe it. Trust me, I am trying to work on it. It's just that, my thoughts, my words, my feelings - basically who I am as a person and a human being was made to feel like ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Like I was a used up raggy doll that no one wanted to keep around, but was just good enough for the time being. That's why I keep my distance from certain people who made me feel like that. That's why I tend to shy away from being open about what's bothering me because, I don't want people to take advantage or use my own issues against me just for their own personal gain. I grew sick of it. So I just keep everything to myself and only open up when I feel safe to do so. But if I don't feel safe, I won't even speak a single word. I'll just keep it in. But I will only open up to those within my closest circle.

I've been in and out of counseling for over 10 years. It helps, but when you are around people going through something similar, something triggers in you. For me, a lot of old, OLD issues have actually been brought out of me. Not only because of what is current, but it was an exercise I did for one of my counseling sessions and I had no idea how much affected me before I even dealt with what I just wrote about. I blocked out a lot of things growing up. Of course, being told to not say anything or don't cry or suck it up it happened - shhh...you bury it deep. But eventually it all seeps out and starts to affect certain aspects of life. Just wow, from one exercise. Which means, I'm just now starting on a path of working on recovering and healing old wounds. I will say one thing, give a person TIME to process what they are going through because you will never know how major it may have been for them to go through whatever it must have been for them.

When it come to forgiving someone, I get you are not forgiving them for them, you do it for you. You're not forgiving their behaviors or how they treated you, you are forgiving them for you. But forgiving the unforgivable...is like having to swallow a pill that can't even fit into your mouth to swallow. You literally have to break it all down and work through it. But there are some parts that, you would rather bury it then to deal with it alive. But you know deep down you have to face whatever it is to move forward and you'll hate it with a passion. All you can hope for is a peaceful outcome and one where you can be free. I know I still have a way to go and my son...whew! He's gonna be a tough one. But we'll get through it, just on our own individual time. Peace.

Processing Life

2017-06-05T21:31:00.002-04:00

You know how life can come at you unexpectedly and then everything just settles down afterward? How about when life comes at you, left and right, seemingly unexpectedly, and you find yourself saying, "Man, can I catch a break?" Sometimes life just happens be it in small chunks or big or all at once. The all at once ordeals are TOUGH. The big ones can be tough but it all depends what it is or may be. The small ones, depending on the individual, can be either taken in strides or accepted.

I often find myself in the, "Man, can I catch a break?" mentality because it seems like if it ain't one thing it's almost guaranteed to be another. Even if you have improved in your decision making over the years or grown from your learned mistakes, there are just some things that just keep reoccurring and it leaves some of us wondering "Why?" or "What am I doing wrong?" or better yet, "What is it that I am missing here?" When something is repetitive, but one has pulled away and gone in their own direction, but yet somehow gets caught back up into it, it's like a vicious cycle and you may find yourself saying, "Uh, how in the world did I end up back here?" What I learned is, sometimes when something is repetitive, it means it hasn't been fully dealt with or processed. I also learned that sometimes you may just have to change the environment that you are in or the people you have surrounded yourself with to really move forward. Some would say this may come off as, "running away" but really, it's removing oneself from a repetitive situation or a "mental reminder" of an experience that is still fresh in one's mind. Sometime one needs to take time to step back and process things for themselves to not only understand for themselves, but to find a way to come to terms with it and to move on. And no, it is not an overnight ordeal. It really does take time. Sometimes a long time.

I find myself in the mist of being unusually calm but feeling like I'm also grieving a lost connection. I acknowledged that given the circumstances, maintaining a connection is not easy and trying to maintain a balance is difficult. But I cannot fault the ones who have been trying but I can understand when things don't look like it will improve overall, everyone will stop making the effort to keep in touch. That can be hard, given the factors involved. But what choices do we have? I mean really. It sucks, but my fight is over and I'm just done for. I know I tried and I tried my hardest. Yet, in the end, its the young who suffers the most. I would make the effort to work things out but I'm like a broken record already. Tried it and it wasn't even worth it each time.

When you have a big heart, you give it your all to make things happen in a positive light. But when you are faced with a negative, a darkness, it can not only be draining but it can be a battlefield if the light is a strong one. It's like Once Upon a Time, where Light Magic vs. Dark Magic, but it the end it came down to choices made to put one's desires, bad habits or self-sacrifice to the test. In the end, it was selflessness that won out darkness. It was also love, forgiveness and time, that helped each character not only grow, but to learn from one another and to become better than who they were. It took time, wiliness to look at things from a different perspective and to view things from the other's perspective. It took communication, with active listening to understand not to give a quick response back or to place blame continuously without first understanding the individual's mindset, self belief, emotions and more.

I find that some people put themselves out on the line too often and usually for the wrong individuals. They tend to beat themselves up over the "Why" and sometimes even as a friend, I would have to say, it's okay to help others out just don't always go all in. Some individuals need to learn how to appreciate the help they get but they also need to make effort on their part to show that they are serious about improving their own situations. Not everyone can live another's life for them. We all have a unique journey on this earth, we are all bounded to become somebody, but in the meantime don't let your current situations get to you too much. Try to work through it the best you can and let it change you for the better. Change doesn't come easy as it is met with resistance. But with change, you will never know the results if you don't at least try. Change can be for the greater good or bad, but only if you are highly aware of what is at stake. Helping others, just for the sake of helping others without getting anything in return is showing humility and kindness. It is a selfless act and one that many who practice this would hope others will do for them in return or in general. Sometimes all you can do is just pay it forward and keep helping those in need but leave them in good shape.

Life can be harsh, it can be cold, it can be a million and one other things as well but life is what you make it. It can't always be a new day when unresolved issues are left unattended and festering. But it can be a new day when unresolved issues are finally put to rest or finally being worked through and one or everybody can truly start the healing process and move forward. Carpi Diem - It may mean a new day but for some a new day is when they overcome barriers, unresolved issues and obstacles they had to face. A new day, is when the worries are finally not so overwhelming, the fears are reduced and confidence in oneself is restored. A new day, is when you are free from what was holding you back and you work at keeping things moving forward and learning life's lessons as you go. I just hope the lessons life teaches one will help carry one through whatever comes next. For each time one overcomes something, we grow stronger because of it in due time. The pain may linger, but it weakens as time passes, if you let it.

I missed writing. I missed drawing and I missed basically my creative outlets. I may be good at many things, but I have my limits. I think I may be reaching a limit where its time for a change of pace. As much as I love doing what I do, I need to have more time with myself and most importantly with my son. Trying to find that balance has not been easy, trying to find room to breath has been hard. I may have a high threshold for stress but once it hits me, I just crash flat out. When I do, my interests changes and so does my perspectives. I got some thinking to do on how I want to move forward and how I want to take the next step. To be continued....

Moving Forward

2017-05-28T02:44:00.002-04:00

You know, one of the biggest barriers to accomplishing what may seem so small to many but huge to other is having money to accomplish some of the most basic skills required for independence. It took me, about 18 years, 5 renewed permits, 4 retakes of the 5 hour course to finally get my driver's license. It wasn't because I failed, it was because I barely had the money to afford the lessons or the road test itself. Something that seems so simple for others to get, was not so simple for me to get as I didn't have parents to help me out financially.

While I may have gained a new lease on life, I cannot quite celebrate it as such. Instead, I look at it as one less thing to worry about, one less thing off my plate, and one less thing to do. I look at it as someone who has had to overcome so much and to be blessed with actually winning a Gift Certificate towards a seven lesson driving package with 5 hour and road test included. For me it's a blessing and on God's timing.

I do not speak much about my religious or spiritual backgrounds but I do know this, it was time to move on and to move forward.

These last few years have been a painful transformation period for me. One was probably dealing with the biggest heartache, heartbreak and what I felt to be the ultimate betrayal in my life. I've never imagined going through anything so deep yet so complex and eventually toxic. Yet, the journey has not only taught me about my own weaknesses and strengths, it gave me a new strength that I never saw born from it. They say, we go through difficult times because there is something that needs to happen in order for one to be shaped into the person that they are designated to become. Sometimes, we have to allow change to take place in its natural order so that we can grow from it.

I don't think I always had the right people around me to accomplish so much that I have so far. If it weren't for them, their support, encouragements, believing in me, putting up with me on my bad days and good days, and their honesty, I'll be damn, I probably wouldn't be where I am at now. They will know who they are and for that Thank You for taking a chance on me and investing in my life, you have no idea!

I don't think anyone make's it entirely on their own. I believe it is the contributions that others make to help you reach your best version of yourself, even when you can't see what they see in you. They still invest in you and take a chance on you. When someone does that, you have to acknowledge them as a part of your journey. You cannot ignore them, take full credit or put them down. You have to be humbled, graceful, and thankful.

Besides the emotional side of things, I've been struggling with forgiveness all around. I will admit I do hold grudges against a few who have crossed the line so many times and felt it was okay when it really wasn't. When I did speak out, all I heard was a defense that not only hindered my plans for myself, but set me back by a few years. When I spoke out on other things, I was painted as a liar and someone who wanted attention, but in return they all received dead silence from me as I was so done. They did reach out to me, I heard their messages and pleas but I've heard it so many times, I just deleted and shook my head. I said to myself, "They will never get it. Never." No matter how many times I was honest about how I felt or what I didn't like, they weren't listening or hearing me out. They continued to do the same thing as always. When things finally came to a head, I just couldn't anymore. No matter how much I cared or loved, going silence especially on one whom I truly did loved and cared about very deeply, was not the easiest thing to do. It was heart-wrenching and very, very difficult. Trust was destroyed all around and my trust isn't easy to earn back once it is lost. I will forever remain suspicious with them.

I just struggle with a lot because, when you are someone who has to overcome so much in life as is, then you meet new people and you try to give them a chance and look at the good, but they somehow begin to undercut you for some reason, you're just wondering, wow, I'm doing the best that I can and geez, why can''t they see that. But then I remembered, they always complaint about things in life that they have been blessed with and yet, fail to see just how blessed they are. A few of them had their own homes, their own cars, and their own family to help or a few friends willing to help them out anytime, yet they stilled complaint. I looked at them like, "What the heck, man?" because compared to me, I had to rely on government assistance and a very, very few close friends to help and I struggled with finding a decent job and struggling to gain access to what they had. I swear some people just don't realize, how much easier they may have it and it drives me up the wall. Sure, what they have will mean more bills for them, but they could at least be grateful for being able to afford it. If they can barely afford it, I honestly don't want to hear the complaints. Simple solution, live within your means or slightly below because others may still be worst off.

As I now take baby steps to moving forward, I'm doing so at my own pace. I didn't come into this world fast, I came into this world taking my sweet time. Trust me, my late mother didn't let that go unsaid. So when I deal with things, I take my sweet time and as much as that may bother many, I just process life differently. That's why I hate the saying, "Get over it!" some things require some to actually cope with what happened a bit longer. You have to let them work there own way through their own experience. However, everyone deals with life differently. I know I do!

Time is a funny concept. As I go forward, I am feeling better about myself and becoming even more guarded of my own emotions. When I decide to open up, it will be on my time. For now, my focus is to continue my healing journey. Who knows? Maybe forgiveness may be down the road somewhere, but for now, it's about rebuilding and healing.

Everything happens for a reason and sometimes that reason may not be appearant but down the road you would understand, just not when you're going through it.

One of the things about me is I need my space and alone time. I cannot function without them. If I keep getting pressed for something or bothered about something, I'm not going to cave. I'm not going to do anything. I'm just going to remain as is until I'm given the time I need to process as well as the space. But now, I finally have that time and space to actually recover, heal and to rebuild. But even as I am in the mist of that, I need to finish working on me.

Sometimes, one just needs to step out and rediscover themselves in new ways on their own. It's not easy at first, but when you meet the right people, don't forget to thank them and remember them. Peace.

Anxiety - it really sucks

2017-05-22T21:12:00.003-04:00

Lately, I've been feeling totally out of my elements. Just checked out of reality and my brain doesn't want to do swat!

I do have like an overwhelming long list of things to do and today I had one project that I worked on last week and it was a pre-drafted of everything I needed to send over to my contact and this morning, I couldn't find it for the life of me. I was left so irritated and feeling bad as it needs to be done ASAP. I have another project that is ASAP and it wouldn't be if life didn't happen the way it did. So I am already way behind.

To make matters a bit more difficult is the fact that my anxiety is shooting up very high and it's has reached that level where it's my heart in my throat kind of deal. My mind is frantic and lets say getting organize on a task that needs to be done, is like gasping for air. So I distract myself and work on something else that isn't as immediate and nerve wrecking. But what's weird is that I've done one of the tasks before and the other is still new, but I am familiar with the process. But its just that feeling of dread along with a million and one questions and thoughts and I'm just paralyzed yet I can't afford to be at this time. So a big fat UGH!!!!

Breathe.

Mediation is suppose to help, but it just seems like I've just mentally shut down. Like I see, I hear and I know, but it's like a roadblock and I can't quiet move it. Just stuck. SMH.

I think due to not really sleeping well or even comfortable, is contributing to also being out of my elements. I feel like I just need a major mental break, but at the same time I just don't. I think I really need to find a nice balance. But when you're a single parent, trying to find a balance is damn near impossible. But you do what you have to do. I have a lot of passion for what I do, but when I start to check out, that is not good news at all. That's me, literally shutting down on a lot.

Today, I had a phone call and it was about paperwork that requires reporting changes in details and making sure all the documentations were put together. Well, to be honest, I could barely answer those questions as I have been rushing through all the paperwork to meet the deadlines and I could not really recall what I reported and when, but usually I am good at recalling stuff like that! UGH! So being all over the place, is not me at all. My thoughts are just broken up and I'm trying too hard to piece them together to make some logical sense. Now, I'm just hoping I get get through the next few weeks.

You might wanna save the "take care of yourself" speech. Heard it so much, it doesn't make much of a difference to be honest. But I hear y'all, its like I have mentioned easier said than done. I was on my feet all day yesterday only to realize my right leg is slightly swollen and bigger than the left and my right arm is also experiencing swelling from an inflamed shoulder. But I need to get back to being active more. I've had mild asthma flare ups and that doesn't happen unless I'm overdue for a workout schedule. Being active for me means recovering and functioning better. My biggest thing is how do I find a balance as a working mom because it's so tempting to go back to being just a stay at home mom but in this current political environment, it may not be wise to be unemployed due to all the potential cuts being talked about. ::sighs:: This world can be so cruel and doesn't even realize it. There may be some moms out there, in a similar boat like me, and even with high anxiety at times, and at times life is just impossible at times and we just do our best. But when we check out, we check out and it's like there is no turning back or explaining. Parents take on a lot and regardless, society needs to understand that even with two parents working, and it's not that it's necessarily a choice, but to survive in the current increasing cost of living situation, you need two incomes to stay afloat and it's becoming more of one parent working two jobs and the other one just to have an extra income. But it all depends on where one lives.

I'll just rest up, but it just sucks to be honest. It really does. Peace.

Catching Up

2017-05-14T00:06:00.001-04:00

It's been a minute since I've last written! I've been a busy gal, juggling work, appointments, meetings, planning, creating, brainstorming and oh just about everything!

I just got done watching "Bad Moms" and to say that is probably the most honest movie about moms ever! It was one of those movies where it gets real about dating, marriage, roles, and the whole nine yards that comes with "parenthood". You just don't stop being mom, once you become a mom, you're a mom! I was told on several occasions to stop being "a mom" and to be myself - my old self - mind you a side-eye and an attitude of "Say what, again?!" Thing is, your "old self" is non-existent! Everything you did prior to becoming a mom, is no longer of interest or as fun or as attractive or worth the time or effort. I know for me personally, my whole perspective change on a lot! What was once fun, is now "eh" I think I rather sit down and have a cup of tea and actually read a good book! But, I haven't read a book in a few years now and by my own standards that is BAD! However, it's life and as a parent, a working parent, you do everything to make sure you have all your ducks in the row! So if you are looking for a feel good movie as a mom, definitely watch "Bad Moms".

In other news, I have been sooo busy that I haven't even had the time to write or even keep up with my own online duties. So, here is the scoop: I have been the Community Relations Assistant for my first year and at the beginning of this year it changed to Community Relations Coordinator. In my time, I manage social media accounts, website panels, in-house graphic designer, in-house event planner/coordinator, intern and volunteer coordinator, e-newsletter designer/writer/editor, photographer, vlog producer/editor and a host of other things. Mind you, I am only part-time but in Community Relations - part-time isn't always part-time. My home life, still mom full-time, just me and my son. With him he has appointments, school meetings, outside meetings and I still manage to make to fulfill my parent volunteer duties. I'm still a Board Member for the local cochlear implant group and will now be leading a pilot program developed by me for those dealing with hearing loss. So really, there's just no time for fun and games! It's either get straight to the point or I'm out!

I'm constantly on the go and working on getting my driver's license and a car! Seriously, WNY needs a better public transportation system! I love living in WNY but access to public transportation is a pain in some areas. I actually miss the MTA and Metro-North Train Lines, but I do not miss how costly they are these day! I feel for my downstate peeps who are forking over almost 2/3 of what I get paid for monthly passes! But if they are getting paid enough to afford it, I am happy for them because not many can.

On my cochlear experience, since I've been extremely busy, due to suffering ongoing migraines and headaches, sounds comes in super loud! My settings were perfect but something changed because with the headaches and the migraines, even the sounds I get from my hearing aid side sounded loud and at times muffled. So sometimes it's not going to always be a technical issue, it will be a medical one where it requires having to see you primary, maybe even the ENT before setting something up with my audiologist. Sometimes, depending on my tolerance, I may even have the adjustments made first just temporarily and then when I resolve whatever the medical issue or issues is/are, I would readjust the settings according to my comfort zone and keep going back until I feel like I am hearing "just right" to myself. I'm 100% healthy but due to how stressed out I have been lately, and me and stress DO NOT go hand in hand AT ALL! So I will be a bit slower than normal as I recoup from pulling off a successful second spring gala and about to jump into my next event planning which is smaller and happier about because, big events take up a lot of time and the details are...don't even. I can do art galleries and create the flow patterns and small events where you just need a few items - I'm good. But big ones, you need a team and this year went better because we had a team. :) But the fact of the matter, as a mom and as a human being, I gotta make sure my own well-being is taken care of as well.

My week has been a very interesting and unusual week. My son came down with a viral illness that had him running a fever for a few days. Then towards the end of the week, I was shot dead tired and end up taking him in to his pediatrician to make sure everything checks out with him. But the symptoms he experienced were so odd and out of place, even by my standards and knowledge it was honestly a, "What the heck man?" But he's finally back to himself and I can send him back to school on Monday. Its been a very long time since he last had a viral illness, like since he was a toddler/pre-schooler.

I am still catching up with A LOT! But once I do I will be able to get back to my own unique routines. Any who, for the moms out there, have a Happy Mother's Day! If you're a single mama, life myself, when the kid(s) are asleep, enjoy a nice cup of tea, coffee, wine or even a beer because you deserve it! For me its definitely gonna be a nice cool glass of wine! Remember, there's no perfect parenting, you just do whatever it takes to raise decent, good, human beings! As long as they are fed, have a roof over their heads and are safe - you're good! Peace!

Trying to find balance

2016-11-13T01:48:00.002-05:00

Tonight, I’m just hurting. But I’ve been secretly hurting for a while now. There are no words that can explain why I am feeling hurt and I can only hope it will come out as I type.

I just want to cry, just have an all-out ugly cry. I want to go away for a few days into the woods and just be still in complete silence. My heart aches and my mind is elsewhere. In the mist of the realities I am dealing with on my own, no one has a single clue how difficult it has been. Yet, I smile and say it’s all good just to avoid further questionings. I’m not one to ask for much because it always seems like I’m in someone’s debt and I’m buried underneath debt of my own.

Every day I am trying my best and every day I know I’m missing something or several things. I try to backtrack and figure out where did I fall off and why. Some days I just feel like I must be someone I don’t feel like I am and every day I’m fighting to just be myself but at the same time I struggle to be. Conflicted? BIG TIME. I’m in an unfamiliar place and having a hard time trying to determine am I safe or not?

Things have been going “well” for me but at the same time I honestly feel like I’m failing as a parent. I am still struggling with the things that have happened and even though it has been a few years, it just bothers me to the core. While I understand there’s nothing that can ever change what happened, but I’m just having a hard time coming to terms with it. I honestly felt betrayed all around and still do. I feel like every time I take a leap of faith, something bad happened. I feel like, no matter what I do it’s never good enough. In the end, I’m to blame for everything and yet I’m the one for why things went the way they went. It’ll always be like that no matter what. It’s also the reason why I’m pulling away and staying to myself more these days. It’s either you in my corner or you’re not. I know the choices I’ve made and knew what I would be faced with and knew just how hard it would be. They question I would ask is are you to help or make it difficult? If it’s both, then no, I have no patience for it. Either be understanding or not. If not, yeah it’ll be easy to walk away. But don’t rub into my face or compare me how your life is better and how it would have been. All I know, is just lies – yet I can see right through it all. Guess, I’m not worthy enough to know the truth and that hurts.

Now, I’m finally surrounded by the right group of people and I don’t know why I still feel like I don’t deserve any of it. Yet, I’m told I do deserve it and I guess I do but I think after years of dealing with a lot of negativity and lord knows fighting it back with all my might, I’m just having a hard time believing in myself again.

I’ve been snappy and in an “I don’t care” mode because my son who is ADHD doesn’t always follow directions well and I get a lot of shit for it but I take it and say, “You know what, you’re not me and you have ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what I have to deal with daily.” I don’t get that break to be an adult as often, I don’t get that break to be alone often, I don’t get that break to “have fun” – I just don’t even know what fun is anymore. I’m always paying bills, watching my account dwindle down to under $100 before the end of the month. I can’t do much but fight every day to keep going and figure out a way to save.

Yes, I am stressed out. No, I’m not going to smile and pretend the day is great. I did that for so long and now I’m like I just can’t do it anymore. It’s easier to hide the pain with a smile than to show it and have a million and one questions being asked if you’re okay. Sometimes, it’s just hard to truly express how deeply I have been hurting for because for reasons unbeknownst to me, I may still be hurting from something then get hit with something right after and I haven’t even fully come to healing from what previously happened. Then it’s like one tidal wave after another, you’re fighting against an angry sea trying to survive each tidal and your emotions – they’re pushed to the side because you’re in survival mode. When the tidal waves start to slow down and come to a sudden stop and you’re no longer in survival mode, all those emotions come rushing back in and your poor heart just doesn’t know how to deal, how to cope, how to process and how to conquer each hurt that had time to build up while in survival mode. Your mind is there but not there. You’re present but not fully. Just in a state of shock. It hurts to breathe some days and others it just hurts to feel. Hence, you may find “Numb” by Linkin Park on my playlist, “Just Like a Pill” by Pink, “Bring Me to Life” and “My Immortal” by Evanescence, “Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson, “Fix You’ by Coldplay and a few more.

Depressing? Well, living life with it can be a challenge and staying positive is an uphill battle on some days. Other days, I’m good and my playlist is different. I think as soon as I start to settle into something that is “good” that is when everything catches up to me.

The last two years, I’ve been back to back with court, cps, counseling, training and starting a new job almost a year ago. I didn’t even have time to process how I even manage to get through it all. My feelings are still raw and feel ignored. “Come on Gloria, I need you to focus here…. it’s behind you, move forward!” I wish it was that simple. I do, really. I just process things differently. I always try to find the good in the bad and try to make sense of it all. But at the same time, finding myself in once again unfamiliar territory. I always need to know where I am or else I’m not going to feel like I belong or truly fit in or even comfortable. When I don’t know where I am or where I stand, it will be obvious that I’m uncomfortable and/or uneasy. Sometimes, it’s just me trying to find myself. It’s like searching in the dark but having to learn how to trust your own gut and feelings again, more importantly how to have faith in yourself. My faith in God remains strong, it’s just that when you go through so much in life its only human to feel like your life has so little meaning when you’re a diamond in the rough. It’s hard to believe that better days are ahead but in the moment, you just can’t quite see it or sense it.

I may have survived a lot in my life and not many know exactly how much I’ve been through. I’ve been that girl who OD on pills and no one knew. I’ve been that girl who was sexually assaulted not once not twice not even three times. I’ve been that girl who had to beat the crap out of the abusive boyfriends my mother had. I’ve been that girl who been stalked by drug dealers. I’ve been that girl who’ve been used in the most degrading way. I’ve been that girl who have loved only to be told she’s not worthy of any relationship in not so many words. I’ve been that girl who was put into a position to go up against my personal beliefs to make someone feel better but it was my faith that got me out. I’ve been that girl who will not ask for help because when I did, it never came or some believed I didn’t need it yet when I didn’t need it people did what I wanted to do on my own. I’ve been that girl who fought physically, mentally and emotionally for years. I’ve been that girl who had to bury three baby sisters. I’ve been that girl who had to bury her mother and grandmother. I’ve been that girl who watched her father walk out and never turning around to say “bye”. A lot of heartaches, so when I say I get it, I truly get it. As a woman, today I can honestly say I’ve been to hell and back more times I would like to say and it’s tiring.

Now, as a mother, my son has his uphill battles and I’m watching it eat him up because he refuses to deal or cope or face it. And I know it’s not easy for him. I know he’s trying. But there are days where it’s a shouting match and we both end up in tears. It’s because the pain is so great that it hurts the both of us. Yesterday, was one of those days and where I just lost it. My son refuses to tell me what’s bothering him and instead choose to act out… shaking my head… instead I just got straight to the point and yeah it was painful to talk about but I can’t deal with my own kid saying he wants to kill himself on more than one occasions. The first time he said that I ended up in a nervous breakdown because he was only 6 and ½ and what child would say that… what I didn’t know was he was holding back things that had been happening to him and things that had happened when I wasn’t around until it came out in counseling sessions with him. More heartbreaks for me. For him, it’s been hard. I cannot tell you how awful of a parent I felt and no matter how many said I was a good mom, I couldn’t help but feel some sense of responsibility for it. I couldn’t help but feel I didn’t do enough to protect him. I couldn’t help but feel betrayed and lied to. I couldn’t help but feel like I should’ve followed my gut because I knew something wasn’t right. No matter how much praises I’ve gotten to say I was a good mom, it didn’t do anything to take away those thoughts and emotions. It’s like I just knew it was a bad decision, but I took a leap of faith and my kid, my own son comes back 360 in a negative mindset towards everything including himself.

He’s a sweetheart, he’s smart and handsome. He’s caring and polite. But like any kid he’ll have his bad and good days. With his ADHD, he’s a handful and I had him on a behavioral plan and I guess I’m still pissed off that it wasn’t respected and followed through when he wasn’t with me. My life was a bit more manageable and on a schedule which I knew he needed to strive and focus. These last two years, I’ve been fighting to get him back onto a schedule and I can’t even accomplish that because I was thrown off my own schedule. I know I need to find a balance somewhere and find a way to get on a schedule that is doable for both of us.

Being a working single mom isn’t easy. I’m blessed to have the flexibility with my job as no other job would not offer the level of flexibility I have now. I met another single mom and even she said she only works jobs that provide flexibilities because she herself has a son with a disability. But like her, we both shared the same story lines. It’s sad because there are some single moms out there willing to work with their child’s father to have them included without any drama, but for some they choose to make the moms look crazy or in a bad manner when all they are doing is leaving a door open for them to have access to their own child. But I guess, that’s not viewed like that. I try to make sense of it all and I tried, I did but I’m so done, so done. I made all the efforts and arrangements and as a payment I got blamed and put down in so many ways while pretending to care about me... ha! Never again. Never again.

I don’t like secrets and I don’t like liars. If I call you out, I call you out but when I truly care about you and I must call you out, man it hurt’s like hell to do so and I find no pleasure in that. None.

This is the first time I’ve wrote something in so long and it’s been weighting me down to not write. My mind has been trying to get things done, but I haven’t had time to sit down and just write. Being strong is one thing but it comes with a cost. I don’t give up easily but when I really wanted to there was always a voice that said, “Keep going. You’re not alone”. Even when I have been beyond exhausted and I just want to rest and cry at the same time, same thing. So, no matter what, I know I got angels watching over me and whether they are in spirit or in human form, it’s a lifeline for me. Sometimes, when I least expect things, I’m naturally shocked and speechless because good things don’t always happen but when they do, I’m humbled and thankful.

I try my best to make the most of life, but I have forgotten what it is like to enjoy life because I’ve been so busy trying to build myself up as well as my son up. It has not been an easy task but nothing is. I like to have things be simple and straight forward. I like to have my house back to being organized and clean – which is why I’ve been trying to get the laundry and clothes all cleaned and ready to be put away into the closets and dressers. Then I can have my bedroom floor back. Plus, I need to get all my papers organized as I had to pull documentations constantly to be mailed out or hand delivered.

I am in the middle of getting in my driving lessons and trying to gain more freedom to be mobile. You need to have a car if you live in WNY. I will need to figure out how to budget for a car and all, but I am hoping with additional practice I can be alright. I think next Saturday I’ll do my five-hour course. This way I will have it out of the way and just go for the road test when I am done with the lessons. Life can get a bit overwhelming, but I hate to say when I am overwhelmed. I really do. Well it’s late and I got to be up early. Peace.

I Wanted You to Know

2016-05-20T21:52:00.000-04:00

I Wanted You to Know

Written by: Gloria M. Matthews

For a long time now,

I’ve been struggling.

Struggling to find the right words,

Struggling to find a common ground,

Yet to no avail,

It was all for nothing.

So,I wanted you to know

That I loved you so.

I wanted you to know

That I cared for you,

’Cause I know this much,

(I know this much),

To be this true.

I wanted you to know

That I loved you so.

I wanted you to know that

I cared for you,

‘Cause I know you and you know me,

Baby, didn’t you see?

I wanted you to know

That I loved you so.

I wanted you to know

That I cared for you

‘cause you know I’d do anything,

Anything for you,

you know I will.

I wanted you to know

That I loved you so

I wanted you to know

That I cared for you

‘Cause this love is

A love that won’t ever go away.

I wanted you to know

That I loved you so

I wanted you to know

That I cared for you

‘Cause this heartache

Is slowly,

Slowly killing me day and night.

I wanted you to know

That I loved you so

I wanted you to know

That I cared for you

Yet, you pushed me away

And shut me out.

Baby, don’t you know how much it hurt?

I wanted you to know

That I loved you so

I wanted you to know

That I cared for you

And this I know, (this I know)

I will never forget the good.

I wanted you to know

That I loved you so

I wanted you to know

That I cared for you

But baby I can’t, I can’t do this,

Not much longer now.

I wanted you to know

That I loved you so

I wanted you to know

That I cared for you

So why did you, hurt me

So badly?

I wanted you to know

That we loved you so

I wanted you to know

That we cared for you

But why did you, hurt us

So badly, so badly?

I wanted you to know

That we loved you so

I wanted you to know

That we cared for you

Yet we are left,

feeling disappointed.

I wanted you to know

That I loved you so

I wanted you to know

That I cared for you

‘Cause now I have to say good bye

And it may be forever.

So, I wanted you to know

That I loved you so

I wanted you to know

That I cared for you

I wish you the best

Yet, forgive me,

I gotta love me too.

I wanted you to know

That I loved you so

I wanted you to know

That I cared for you

Just know this much,

This much is true,

Love will always win.

I wanted you to know

That I loved you so

I wanted you to know

That I cared for you

.........

No words can ever describe the pain,

But in the end

As tears are shed

It’s the memories

The good ones

That breaks the heart more

Because it's all gone.

No more.

So here I am struggling with my own heart

Struggling to forgive myself,

Struggling to wrap my mind around

Being used and allowing it.

But no more.

No more.

If you only truly knew,

Truly saw,

Truly acknowledged,

We wouldn’t be where we are now.

But we are.

It’s like pins and needles.

But I guess honesty

Wasn’t in the cards.

I’ll always be honest

I’ll always admit my mistakes

I’ll always own up to my side

But I would never take full blame

For everything.

Never.

At least I know I’m real.

At least I know I’m not perfect.

At least I know, I’m okay knowing that.

But the heart still aches

Betrayal after betrayal,

I’m done.

Getting back to life

2016-04-23T22:57:00.002-04:00

For a while now, I've been wanting to write a blog - several actually. But due to the nature and sensitivity of a situation that occurred at the beginning of last year, I was dealing with an overwhelming amount of high emotions from all ends. I was not only upset, but felt like I was ultimately betrayed. As I type this, I shake my head because I am also very disappointed as well. Very disappointed. But I am now ultimately done with the longest, most difficult chapter of my life. I have nothing left to say nor want anything to do with that chapter any more. And its sad because its family and when life goes on and expands, its the innocent ones that end up having to pay the price. Unfortunately, I kinda know how that goes, but what can you do?

As time moves forward, I have been struggling with my own feelings and struggling with sorting out my thoughts and trying to grasp at a way to make peace with everything. But it's hard to do so when all I want is the truth, nothing but the truth. Not a twisted truth, not a blaming truth, just a flat out admit it yourself truth by taking ownership. I spoke my truth, not very happy about it, in fact I'm disgusted by it, but what's important I took ownership. That's something, not many do these days and it make it harder for someone like me to take someone at their word.

Over the course of the year, I had to deal with a lot on my end while taking two computer training courses to gain certification to add onto my resume plus gain employment. As a single mom, who happens to be hard of hearing, I learned my son was officially diagnosed with ADHD. Due to an ordeal that he went through, without me around, he had to undergo counseling as well, which he is still receiving today. Because of what he went through, his self-esteem dropped, his self-confident also took a big hit and his ability to be independent also took a hit. From time to time, he is depressed. I think the hardest out of all of this is a week after first meeting with his counselor, he experienced an emotional and mental breakdown. I had to call in for outside help to come to my home to evaluate him. It broke my heart because he said he didn't want to live anymore and wanted to kill himself. He was only six and a half years old. He was having trouble with a few school mates and didn't know how to deal nor cope, but it overwhelmed him because of the ordeal he went through that was of similar nature but much worst for him. If anything, I knew something was wrong, but I just didn't know what. But my gut told me something was wrong and to find out that I was lied to, when I asked how he was doing, oh boils my blood. I know there was nothing I could've done at that time. But when a child is told not to tell another adult anything about what happened to them, it's wrong to begin with. When the child knows it wrong and it bothers them that they can't say anything, it eats them up alive. It makes life a bit more uncomfortable and harder to live. That's no way for any child to live. No way. Every child deserves a decent childhood, not one where they are forced to "man up" or "woman up", that is something they will learn along the way in their mid-teen to throughout their 20s. Let kids be kids. Let them have a childhood. I get the world is not all sunshine and smiles these days. But I believe in teaching children to learn what is good and what is bad and how to assess and look for good and bad situations. Teaching them awareness of their surroundings and giving them an opportunity to think of alternative ways of dealing and coping. But I also understand that in some situations, it may require quick thinking and acting. Not all children are able to act as quickly due to their limited nature. But in due time, with the right knowledge and background they will be able to do so.

Since December of 2015, I have been employed as a Community Relations Assistant for a local not-for-profit organization that works to bridge the gap between the Deaf, Hard of Hearing and Hearing Communities and it has been right up my alley. However, I will admit, this job does leave me feeling a bit nervous at times because with everything that goes on in today's world and having to care for my son and myself, there are days when I can't be in the office or do what needs to be done. However, I have been blessed to have a supportive supervisor and an amazing one. If this was any other job, or more importantly supervisor, I would not have the flexibility I have now nor a job. I cannot afford child care and my time is limited because I have to be home by a certain time to get my son off the bus. So I'm pretty much stuck at part-time with my benefits shrinking and income still the same as when I was receiving benefits. But food wise, I barely eat so I just feed my son and make sure he has what he needs. This is the reality of single parenthood. You receive assistance but it gets cut once you start working and no matter how you play around with the numbers, food insecurity is a big deal. So I do get food from the church pantry and some of the food I can no longer handle. My stomach will not take to some foods anymore or else it just goes right through me. But the government doesn't care about that. All they care about is themselves and the lavish lives they live. While, folks like myself are trying to make it and do what is right, like everyone else in my position, we all pay income tax plus additional taxes out of our pay. The net pay isn't much after taxes. Yet, it baffles me how people with money complain. I don't even have a savings and I would love to have one, but unfortunately, like any past college grad, student loan debt and bills rules. No matter how I try to make the numbers work for me, there's no way I can spend freely. What would make my life so much easier is having a driver's license and a car. I wouldn't have to worry about not getting home in time to get my son off the bus or having to walk a mile or more just to get to the bus stop to take him to his appointments or cutting my work hours short because I need to be home in time. I have to request days off to take my son to some of his appointments because it requires transferring to another bus to connect to where we need to be and that could take 45 minutes to an hour or more when with a car the time would be about 20 minutes or less depending on traffic. Even for myself, I may have to take a day off but would have to work from home because I have appointments that sometimes lasts longer than they should, but I too have to keep my health in top shape, its a part of making sure mom is good. Self-care is a must among single parents and sometimes its easy to neglect ourselves. But it's also easy to neglect having a little fun as well as adults.

I do have wonderful people who have helped me out in taking me to my appointments as well as my son's but after a while, it's like I would really love to return the help or return their kindness and understanding. It's a blessing to have people who will help you but not take advantage of your situation. That is rare these days. All I can do is just ask God to bless their hearts and their lives because the good they do for me and my son is a blessing to me.

I am beyond exhausted at this point. I just pulled off my first Spring Gala as an Event Coordinator and I cannot tell you how happy it is all over! It was quite a learning experience for me but it went well, so I am glad. Now I am just playing catch up with my son and myself as I owe him big time! Plus, it was time to write again and I think for me everything has been a tough and long life learning experience. I'm still processing A LOT and my feelings are there but not quite there. I got this wall up where, I can't feel good right away when I do something that got praises or when I get a compliment, I still don't take it well - that's been forever with me. But like I said, I was dealing with a lot of high emotions and had to somehow contain my emotions and block off the outside until I felt more in control. My heart took a beating and it needs time to heal. My mind, is good, but my heart not so much. I'll always show I'll care and be polite but receiving feelings from the outside in, will be a challenge. But know, I will acknowledge and humbly appreciate the positive feedback; just don't expect an outburst so much or anything exciting out of me. Only those closest to me will be able to tell the difference.

Be a light in the world, don't judge or put others down. If you don't know their backstory, it's best to learn about why people are struggling. No book can give you answers to that, but listening to people can give you answers. If you choose to not listen, then unfortunately you're not helping to be a part of a solution, you're helping to be a part of a problem indirectly and directly. Sometimes people make honest mistakes and if they admit to those mistakes and take ownership of them, it shows character. It shows they are willing to learn and keep moving forward. But when one doesn't, then it's a vicious cycle that breaks down everything and it hurts when deep down you still love them but wish they could just see what they are doing. But I guess in the end they don't care as long as they get what they want, nothing else matters. Nothing. There's no real respect, just a false respect for show. For me, that is heartbreaking and extremely disappointing. It's just sad because, you understand and care about their well-being and you see that they can be more, but the choices they make, ends up hurting those closes to them and that's not cool at all. All I can do is painfully just step away and stay away and just hope for the best on their end. It is a personal struggle for me because of a long history involved, but with time I know I will be okay, it just may take me a little bit longer to process and to eventually forgive. But for now, it's focusing on the present and moving forward. My mantra is, one day at a time and one step at a time.

Life will throw you hard, but when it does get back up and keep going for as long as you can. There will be times where you may want to give up, but don't. Just take a step back and recoup and keep trying to overcome whatever it is you may be facing. Just don't become bitter. I had the choice of being bitter, but still choose kindness over it. Bitterness will kill things quickly, make life bleak and dark. But kindness adds light and hope. Use your brain more than your heart but maintain a delicate balance of humanity. We need more humanity in this world, because after all we are the human race by the end of the day, just one race. Peace.

BUSY BEE!

2016-02-05T19:36:00.002-05:00

First, Happy New Year to all my fellow readers and bloggers!

I know I haven't been posting as much! I've been busy and do I mean BUSY with Certification Training - which I gained at the end of July 2015 in Quickbooks and MS PowerPoint; job hunting which landed me with two jobs - one is as an "as-needed" Child Care Worker and my second is my everyday job as a Community Relations Assistant for a deaf organization (ask me more about it). My second is now my primary job as it's one of the reason why I haven't had time to do anything social - but then again I really don't have much of a social life anyways so that kind of works out! I only make time for those who get me these days. I don't have time to be asked a million and one questions about my own life and so forth - I just ain't in the mood these days.

Any who, it's been one hell of a year to be honest. I wasn't too pleased with what went down last year and quite frankly a part of me is like I just don't want to be bothered anymore. The other part is like "whatever." Once I have entered the "whatever" territory, I'm really in no position to sympathize or be a listening ear nor do I care about struggles - it's life so deal with it. Cold - I know. I was pushed to the breaking point and I was just DONE, DONE. However, I'm still the same person, just won't be showing my usual demeanor nor be in the mood to interact or talk much - there's no point. So, when I get pushed to a certain point by individuals - trust me - "Nice, kind, and compassionate" me goes out the window altogether. I will fight with myself very hard to still show some human dignity and respect - but that won't come easily because I will honestly be holding back what I really want to say. It won't make much of a different if I even spoke out anyways - I've said all that I had to say and I got really nothing more to say. I either be heard and respected or not.

Today, is just one of those days where on the eve of finishing up a major project and adding final touches to it, I'm just taking some time to type up a blog. My life has improved and I'm actually happy and feeling good! I can be more of myself and not feel so small and insignificant. I'm back to feeling confident and humble. It's really just a huge blessing for me to have a positive turn around, especially for someone who has been without a job for five years due to potential discrimination on previous job interviews. I'm just happy to be doing something I'm passionate about! It's been years since I last felt like myself true self.

I just felt like I was being suffocated and I couldn't really move on in the manner I wished. My emotions were being taken advantage of and so was my own situation. I was just at a low point in my life but slowly climbing up and out of it regardless to whatever it was that I had been dealing with. If I've learned anything, if you make a decision that is to protect yourself, you do not need to explain yourself. Your first duty to yourself is to treat yourself with love and care but most importantly with self-respect and self-preservation. There's no need to be putting others down or pointing out flaws or blaming others. Just walk away and leave it be or else it'll feel like an endless battlefield. An endless battlefield, is not something I would want anyone to experience, it's just draining and can be emotionally damaging. To be honest, I'm content with just staying single because I don't have it in me to even be bothered with a partner or a relationship anymore. I'm 100% DONE. Sure, I see the benefits of having a partner in life, but after everything I just went through, the relationships, I'm just cold and distant. This time, no matter what my counselor may say, my heart is just shot to hell to be honest. I'll treasure my friendships, but for intimate relationships, NO. No more.

I'll be happy for my friends who are in a relationship, but I will not miss the disagreements, the arguments or emotional turmoil of it all. I just want peace and the ability to do what I want without being judged, belittled, lied to or reduced to no one. I am someone. I do have my own life to live. I may not be perfect, but I know I would go to hell and back to save or help the ones I love. I will be honest and not afraid of how it will make me look. Once, I'm honest and I say my two cent, I'm gone. I won't bother anyone nor ask them for anything nor do I expect the same in return. A big defense wall? YEP, this time BIGGER. If I let someone in, I let them in because I trust them to treat me right. But now, I'm a skeptic and I analyze EVERYTHING before I decide whether or not to let the person in. If I can work with someone and they get me, then I will be fine but I won't allow for closeness. I don't want to be touched or hugged for very long, I now get uncomfortable. I will give hugs to those I'm comfortable with and known the longest but anyone else, no.

I'm still feeling raw, so it's only understandably that I feel the way that I do. It may not be a "forever" deal, but still need time to heal some more.

As I look forward to the year ahead, I just look forward to all my hard work paying off and seeing where this road I'm on will take me. Nothing in life is ever a smooth ride. It's going to be bumpy, twisty, hilly, hot, cold, warm, broken, and more. It's just a matter of rebuilding yourself up and allowing yourself the time to recover and make personal progress. If anyone sees that as being selfish - it's not, especially for those of us who give up our time to help others. It's good to know yourself and know who you are, not who the world wants you to be. It's important that one learns to be true to themselves without caring about what the rest of the world got to say about them. I also find it important that being honest will save many from a lot of headaches and questions. I know an honest answer many not be favorable, but in the long run, it'll be appreciated.

Well, I gotta get back to event planning and more. But I really do hope that you are all well. I'm busy writing, editing and putting together a newsletter for the organization I work for and maintaining the new website, which is to be launch soon as well as managing the online store. I'm also involved with projects that involve graphic designing and more, so I get to put my art skills to use! YAY! I will be posting about hearing loss and cochlear implant soon. Just sit tight. Busy single mom life and so looking forward to seeing my PT to get this knot out of my neck and shoulder!

Peace.

Changes

2015-11-27T23:35:00.000-05:00

If I have ever learned anything over the course of my life, it would be that people, things, situations, and society changes. How things changes can either leave a good impression or a bad one. But, we cannot control the outcome, all we can control is how we will react, deal and cope with those changes.
No one said that life would be smooth sailing. No one said that relationships would be easy (I know, we all wish it was). No one said family would be "happily ever-after". No one never said any of those things. Point is, life will always be challenging us to be a better individual, a better human being and more. But more importantly it is teaching us its hardest lessons:
Learning to love ourselves and our love ones through the storms, no matter how chaotic it gets.
Learning to love, even when we are fighting to save something that died so long ago.
Learning to let go, when the love is still there but you know it's time to cut the ties.
Learning to let go, even when the feelings run so deep but the pain is too unbearable to bare and you have to cut ties.
Learning to let go, even when you really don't want to but you have to.
Learning to forgive and to move on.
Learning to forgive and to change for the better.
Learning to forgive and to appreciate the good in the bad, no matter how hard or difficult it may be.
Learning to forgive and to let go.
Learning to forgive and to make amends - if that's a situation that can allow such to happened - but this requires admitting full honest truths and mistakes made on all parts and learning to work through it without being bitter but to be respectful of each and every individual emotional reaction and state. No blaming or twisting things to make one look good and the other bad. Just taking full ownership. <--------- This is not something to just do, it requires work and maturity but more importantly an open communication where everyone is on the same page and no one has hidden agendas to try to get things to go their own ways.
Learning to go on, without those we love.
Learning to go on after losing love ones.
Learning to go on, when all you want to do is just hold on to a memory for just a little while longer.
Learning to go on, when all you wanted was things to be "perfect". (Newsflash: Nothing in life goes "PERFECTLY" - if you thought that and you're kinda miserable at times - just accept the fact that all of life's imperfections is what keeps life more interesting.)
Learning to accept the things you cannot change.
Learning to accept the people you know for who they are.
Learning to accept the harsh truths even when it's like a dagger entering your lungs and your heart.
Learning to accept things for what they are, even when it sucks.
Learning to just be yourself and no one else.
Learning to be okay with yourself and with who you are.
Learning to acknowledge your own self-worth and the worth of others.
Learning to acknowledge the sacrifices those made just so your life to be just a bit easier.
Learning to acknowledge those who tried their best.
Learning to acknowledge those who meant well.
Learning to acknowledge that no one is PERFECT!
Learning to acknowledge that life will have a lot of ups and downs.
Learning to acknowledge that while things may be good it doesn't always last but we fight to preserve the good in our lives.
Learning to communicate our needs and wants better.
Learning to communicate with one another.
Learning to connect with not only ourselves but with those around us as well.
Learning to be understanding.
Learning to be empathic.
Learning to be content.
Learning to be kind.
Learning to be a human being.

All these and more, life is always teaching us something. Sometimes it's not easy to accept a lot of these things let alone put some of them to practice. But these are the things that makes us human. We will make mistakes. We will take matters into our own hands and make the mistake of thinking we are 100% right to do what we had to do. We will do things without asking or getting more background information on what's going on. We do tend to jump the bullet before learning the facts. However, in some cases when facts are not always available and are purposely omitted to protect oneself, chances are, you're gonna wish you spoke up sooner rather than later. Sometimes, its just not that simple.

This year was definitely a year of Changes. I know for myself it has been grueling but as always I still found time to still smile even when I really didn't feel like doing so. However, this is something I was taught and it was to always smile no matter what or how bad things are, just remember to smile. Over the years, I never knew what my smile did for others especially when they knew what was going on in my life at those times until years later. Now, I just naturally smile even though on some days it may hurt more than others. But, to smile just once, brings some sense of relief, some sense of hope and some sense of it's gonna be okay even when it seems like its not. I hold on to the good and I try to keep to good on the forefront but even then the good doesn't seem to hold up for long and what may seem like good to one may seem like bad to another and vice versa. There seem to be no winning there. Hmmm....I miss a lot of people and they may not know it, but I never forget. If I could, I would rent a cruise ship and invite everyone I know just have fun and enjoy each other's company again. It would be my way of saying Thank You for teaching me, being there for me and for encouraging me to be who I am in life. It would be my way of also saying, yes, you do matter to me as well and no I would never forget the money spent to make sure I had something to eat when I went hungry secretly for weeks. I would never forget the times spent just to take my mind off of things weighting me down just to focus on my skills and talents. I would never forget the times spent just hearing me out and let me know how strong and smart I am even when I didn't really feel like either. Oh, if I could list every little thing, no matter how small they were, it counted towards making my life a little bit easier.

I still have a hard time accepting compliments and always have. I've gotten so used to not getting praises or recognition for a long time because my hearing loss just seemed to taken hold of a lot but when I started to get the praises and recognitions I just didn't know if they meant it or were just saying it to make me feel good about it. Either way, I knew how hard I worked and I knew that I applied myself to the best of my ability each and every time. The question was for me was, "Did I meet your expectations?" If I didn't, I would not give up until I did and when I did meet the expectations, I would not show excitement all the time, I would just be glad that I did the work to the best of my abilities. I just learned to be humble and appreciate that I was given the opportunities to show my work and to show who I am.

Now, as I start a new job and a new journey, I will say I have a lot of work cut out for me in the up and coming new year on all fronts in my life. However, I will take each day one day at a time and just live in the present while trying to build a secure future. I don't worry so much about the future, but I do know what is done today can leave a lasting effect for years yet to come and I would want them to be good ones.

Don't hang on to things that may no longer benefit you or help you. You may keep saying, "Oh I just want to wait and see what happens," but in all reality when all the signs are obvious, it's time to reevaluate and to step back and away and let things go. This doesn't happen overnight, but it is a process and it's not gonna be an easy one. However, the goal will be is to remain true to who you are and to allow this experience to be a teaching moment to help build you up and give you a sense of confidence that you may have lost a while ago.

Life is a beautiful mess. We just got to make the best of it. Just don't make the best of it just for the sake of maintaining status quo or image. Just be real and do the best you can while maintaining a mutual standing and respect for each other. What is meant to be is meant to be; what isn't just isn't - so don't force it. If you let something go and it come back the it was meant to be...sometimes it takes years for one or another to realize what they had was just what they needed in their life. So learn to be patience with life as well. As a single parent - patience can run low on some days or most days -but for all parents it's like that - you just gotta remember to breathe and take some time to yourself to recollect. The same goes for life in general. You just learn to roll with the punches. But the outcomes will depend upon how you look at it.

Well I gotta call it a night, but be good and be kind to one another. We just may not fully understand exactly what's its like to be in another's shoes. Peace.

Smile

2015-10-30T00:51:00.000-04:00

"Smile," they say.
"You look beautiful.
Your smile is beautiful."
So I smile.

There is nothing wrong with smiling. It's just there are days where I know I just want to be as is. I am aware of the effects, positive effects I have on those when I do smile, by no means do I not want to smile; it's just when my heart and/or mind is feeling heavy about things in my life, it's just hard to smile at times. It's not me trying to be negative or anything, I'm a human being with a lot going on.

Just recently I was approached by individuals who never met me before but asked if I ever smile, I do just not that much these days. I'm just trying to still wrap my head around some things and sort through a lot of my own emotions and thoughts at the moment. The silence has been good for me, but based on my gut feelings it's gonna take some serious long hard time before I can come to terms with quite a few things. I'm struggling and trying to make sense of some things. But I know eventually, I will have to stop. It's just so raw.

"Smile," they say. "You're still young and you need to learn how to enjoy life again." I had my fun before I became a mom. It's not the same anymore. Besides, I'm beyond exhausted most days to even fully enjoy myself because sleep is what I truly look forward to. Sure, I enjoy hanging out with a few close friends, but even they can see I'm about ready for bed at times. Which, I usually am.

"Smile," they say. "Go get your nails done or your hair. Dress up and wear heels." Haha...funny. uh yeah but no. The only time anyone sees me dressed up is only for special occasions, that is it. Other than that I'll stick to my t-shirt and jeans plus sneakers. You will not see me in make-up unless it's a special occasion. I'm proud to be natural and show my real skin. Would I dress up for a guy? Nope. No point. I'm not an object to be stared at or fantasize. I'm just me.

"Smile," they say. "Do what makes you happy." Thing is I don't have to always be smiling while doing the things I do love. I would rather reveal my passions, my talents, and who I am as a hard-working individual. I will admit, at times I don't know how to take a compliment. I really don't. I'm so used to criticism and negative remarks, that it just makes me feel conflicted at times. A part of me is saying, "Watch me!" And the other half is struggling with acknowledging my own self worth with all due respect and credit from others. Yet, I struggle with compliments and praises. I'm a humble person, if I have enough food left to feed my son, I won't say how long I've gone without eating. If I need something, I don't really ask. I have my reasons. But I always make sure my son gets what he needs. Only very few know how I am. It's just how I've always been. I do a lot on my own because in partnerships or groups, my voice means nothing. My name means nothing. Only in a few instances have I've been blessed to work and be a part of something actively with others actually listening, compromising, and hearing me out. Most times, I was always kept on the outside and had to do extra work on my own to show what I was capable of. So I got used to being on my own a lot and doing a lot on my own. It's not a habit that can be easily broken. It's a part of who I am. If I'm not a part of anything, I will go away and leave others to be.

"Smile," they say. "Try to live a little more." Ha! I'm tired. The only date I have is with my bed and my pillow. And I smile as soon as I get comfortable and slowly fall into a deep slumber. I am a homebody. Not much for going out, unless it's been planned months in advanced. But I have a full plate. Between a lot of jobs both volunteering and pay. Then I'm mom and with that title comes the many hats and other roles I have. I don't complain, because it is my life and I will live it as I see fit.

So while I have no problem with giving a smile know that I am not allowed to smile on my own merits. Life is filled with a lot of ups and downs; sometimes we just need the time to work our way through some things. There's nothing wrong with not smiling either, it's just a smile, even a friendly smile let's others know that you are okay and that yes, you still acknowledge them in a friendly manner. But for me, I will always naturally smile, for its my way of saying I acknowledge you and hope that everything is well. But on days when I don't smile, I'm just caught up with my own life, trying to figure out things. My way of saying I just need to be alone for a bit.

This isn't meant to be depressing, but just to be real. Peace.

Income Inequality: My take

2015-10-16T11:55:00.002-04:00

Early this morning, as with any other morning, I check the news online. I've been reading dozens of articles on monetary funds, social issues and more. Out of all of those, income inequality seems to bug me.

I've heard and read pieces from both sides, including those in the middle. Some feel like it is an attack on the 1% and others seem to have other reasonings behind it. However, I don't necessarily see it as an attack, I see it as a reflection of policies that have given the rich more than enough to blind them from seeing the real results that are affecting the average American Citizen. I read an article that noted how today's citizens are now referred to as "taxpayers" rather than citizens. Then I thought about it and said to myself, "It seems that the current reality is we have become less than "citizens" and reduced to "taxpayers" as if our money defines who and what we are. But money shouldn't define who individuals are, we are to be first and foremost "Citizens" who are human beings with basic needs that needs to be met. It is through equal opportunities that individuals and families can succeed and be financially independent. However, the term "equal opportunities" doesn't seem to be given to all regardless of the backgrounds of all individuals who are trying to better themselves and their lives.

The term "Lazy" and "Unmotivated" seems to get thrown around a lot these days about those who are working but not making enough to support themselves. The reality that is often ignored of those who may have one job, but are constantly seeking a second or third job just to meet the growing cost of living in their region; it's crushing people to make impossible choices. Some folks have risked their own health just to work and make ends meet. Yet, it's their fault that they are in that position. I beg to differ. Not everyone has a rich family member or friend to help them out. Not everyone has access to networking or the ability to move fluidly in life. Not everyone has friends who can lend them support financially because everyone just seems to be struggling these days just to get by. Often, when one or a group make a remark about something, they fail to ask those why they are struggling and to be honest if they did ask, they would actually understand the complexity of policies that sound good for some but bad news for everyone else. Therefore, a balance must be achieved. A compromise.

However, since we are entering another election year, the citizens of the US need to make a decision. I, for one am tired of the childish behaviors I've seen executed in the government and politics. I, for one am tired of hearing promises. I, for one want to hear what kind of policies will help ALL people, not just a specific group. As a person, with a business background, I can understand how easy one can get caught up in making a lot of money, but forgetting where they once were. I believe, when one person succeeds we all succeed. We should be helping the next individual behind us up. We should be helping those find their strength and build off of that. We shouldn't be building someone up only to tear them down just to steal their natural talent or ideas for ourselves just to "look" good - we shouldn't be misleading folks into believing they are secured when they are not. Those intentions hurt folks who give it their all and causes them to lose the motivation and the will to truly share their talents and ideas without the feeling and fear of being used and discharged. For every negative action, will be a negative outcome. I believe in the domino effect because whomever interacts with the individual who was mislead or used can tell the difference in their attitude and their behavior. There is a cause and an effect.

I don't want to hear or read anymore about how people on welfare are spending away taxpayers money when in fact "welfare" which consists of food stamps and public assistance only take up a small percentage in the federal budget. Look at the graphs on the Center on Budget. What we fund with taxes seems to largely go into the Defense program. Each state depends on the federal budget to determine their own state budget as each given state is given a portion of money from the federal level. When I hear folks talk about low-income folks who are nothing but drug addicts, bums and more negative concoctions, it sickens me that they contradict themselves when a child or a family is starving in the US and they cry out there are food pantries and food stamps but learn that in some areas such programs are non-existence or out of reach. So they resort to blaming the adults for their "irresponsibilities" only to learn they had good jobs but the recession left them with either nothing or very little. Then it goes, "Well they've should have lived below their means then," the problem with that is, most were and when the income dropped due to lay offs and loss of jobs, the expenses far outweighed the income, causing many to downsize or move into their relatives' homes. So is it really the people's fault for their situations that were cause by a bigger issues beyond their control? No, it's not in my opinion. Again cause and effect - the ripple effects.

Each issue, is complex. You can't be "it's a black and white" issue. I can't take sides for the life of me, even when I agree with one side more than another, I still wouldn't take sides because there are realities that I feel get ignored or pushed to the side because it doesn't fit into the "perfect lil box" of either side and would undermine the purpose of both sides to any issues.

If you want to see people do better with their lives, vote for policies meant to help the vulnerable, seniors, disabled, low-income families and individuals. Invest back into your communities and help your fellow neighbor, whether you like them or not, to succeed in helping to make each community a place where everyone can be proud to call home. A community that takes care of one another can be a happy community, its just a matter of looking at the underlying issues that plague all communities faced with homelessness, drug issues, street violences and more. Instead of living in fear, get familiar with the lives of those who are struggling. Mental health is a step, but it takes more then mental help alone to get positive results. There needs to be comprehensive plans and policies in place that are clear and precise in language for all to understand. I would like to see a government working for the common good of the people and to look out for the interest of the people. Not hold them hostage over special interests. Quite frankly, I think for anyone who supports government shut downs will eventually feel the cost themselves and it will be a cost one wished to never experience. Just remember, children whose parents may have to make sacrifices to provide for them, are paying a price too high. Yet, folks who can afford it or those who don't have kids, put those down for having kids that "they can't afford" and shout "birth control", "adoption", or even yes "abortion".

I swear, dysfunctional doesn't even begin to cover what I've been hearing and reading. So many contradictions. I'm like honestly, "WTF?" Sorry for the language but I'm a New Yorker. What I'm seeing today is a dangerous mixture of religion and government and it's outcome quite frankly scares the crap out of me. I see all the points in a philosophical manner - but in practice especially in a diverse country, it tends to kind of throw out the respect for individual differences. If we were all the same, life would be bland, not interesting. We should embrace diversity and respect all for who and what they are even if that means having to swallow your pride or beliefs to maintain the peace. Yes, I know how big of a horse pill that may be for some. But to just give it a try, see what happens. Regardless, we are all human and we must come to the table and put aside our differences to help one another out and to create a country that can take care of the "little guys" not the "big guys." Non-profits and community churches can only do so much. So be smart and well-informed on unbiased facts.

It's been a while....

2015-09-16T20:02:00.000-04:00

I have been extremely busy with a lot! I missed writing and blogging!

My schedule has been so full with certification classes, meetings, interviews (jobs and local newspaper), legal and personal issues. I can say I've been running on E for a very long time that I'm just "Go, Go, Go!"

I finally was able to block out three days to camp with my son and close friends. It was much needed! We hiked to the Bear Caves, when through some of them, climbed rocks that were millions and millions years old, watched the meteor shower, grilled steaks, made a vegetable stir-fry, played music around the campfire and had s'mores! Swimming, boat paddling and beach time! It was something we all needed after working so hard to advance our careers, educational, mental and spiritual beings. It was something I know I needed because I had to seriously sort through a lot of things that were weighting heavy on my mind and my heart.

As I move forward into the fall month, I will be once again busy as usual but with one job as an on-call Child Care Worker and another job which will soon be my day time PT job. So yes, I will be returning to working two jobs and potentially three- seeing I got some major expenses coming up down the road. So I'm honestly not gonna be in the mood to hear anyone's concerns about overdoing it. This is my reality and no I won't complain about it. I will build my work around my son's schedule so that I will be home and that I can help him with his homework, take him to his appointments and anything else that he may need.

There is really no "break" from parenting. Your mind is still thinking about your child and you hope that they are doing well. You plan out dinner in advanced during the day and while working you are also thinking about the needs of your child. It's nonstop thinking. But when evening comes and my son is asleep, I'm by myself, I breathe and then I write out my thoughts. That is my me time. I check in with myself late at night just to write in my journal. And you know what? That is just fine. I'm not into going out these days anymore. I'm more of a homebody these days and that is okay too! When the weather is nice and I have an off day from work, I will go for a walk or a bike ride. Along the way, if I see my neighbors in the surrounding neighborhoods, I will stop and talk with them. Most of them are parents or grandparents of children who attend the local elementary school and it's nice. That is what I consider to be my "break". There's no one "right" way of having a so-called "break". Do I sleep late when I have nothing to do? It depends on what's on my to-do list that needs to be done. If I don't have a to-do list then I don't wake up - I sleep in for an extra hour or two at most. I still naturally wake up at 5:30am every morning. This is a former night-owl and now not really a morning person - but slowly getting there.

I'm still doing my duties as social media manager for my non-profit group and just stepped into doing some PR as well. It is a lot of work but I enjoy it as it is a learning experience for me. I will also be picking up with volunteering again at my son's school. This year I ain't playing.

In the mist of my hectic life, I am grateful. I still have a roof over my head and food to put on the table. I got an awesome support system and people who understand me. Don't worry about me not noticing the small stuff, trust me I do. I just appreciate things in a different manner and perspective. While it may seem that I don't seem to notice the small things, oh I do, I just take it all in silently because not everything needs words, sometimes silence is enough to speak for itself. I will say I got a lot of things to work through on my end and going to do my best to be proactive and positive - but there are some things that still bug the heck out of me and I know I cannot be around certain people for that very reason let alone speak to them. It'll probably be a long while, but I have no expectations at all. None. I'm just there and nothing more. I'll be invisible and out of sight and keeping my distant because at this moment and time, I just don't care anymore. I'm loyal and honest - but push me pass my boundaries - I'm seriously DONE. And that is where I am at. I may have a whole lot to say but it's no longer worth saying anymore. It'll just be a repeat and I'm not going back down that road ever again. So I'll be working with a counselor again and going that route as I really need to vent out a host of issues after everything that has went on. I won't discuss them in my blogs, but when I get past this experience and I have wrapped my head around it all, I will be able to better approach the one aspect of my life in a positive manner because I know I need to- right now I'm still fuming pissed off but I won't show it.

It's just a lot of stuff I had to hear that had my jaw dropped to the ground and left me with more questions then answers. And as for answers, I know I'm never gonna get a clear one and that bugs me as well. I have a lot of WHY questions, but I'm speechless at the same time because I honestly don't know what to believe anymore. Some things I can't even believed happened. Some things I'm just heartbroken and wondering, what in the world is going on? Some things I'm just still in a state of shock because I still can't see how things came out the way that they did. I feel like its all surreal because I didn't have time to deal with the first big blowout and the second one came out of nowhere. I've been praying for clarity, truths and more and still am. I can't stay mad but that feeling lingers because of everything I had to deal with and worrying what it would all mean. But I do know for sure, it would be the end for me. When one door closes, another opens.

Dear Readers,

2015-04-03T16:06:00.002-04:00

I apologize for not posting anything new. I have been buried under paperwork and dealing with a very serious matter at hand. Please know I haven't forgotten you and that I do have new materials up my sleeves. In the meantime, please feel free to browse my blogs and if you are in the mood for poetry go back to 2009 archive.

I am hoping to be posting something new within the next few weeks. Life happens when you least expect it. Be blessed and I wish you all a Good Friday, a blessed Passover and a Happy Easter.

All The Best,

Gloria

Know Who You Are

2015-02-24T16:36:00.002-05:00

Today, as I sit resting, I was thinking about my identity. Where do I fit? How do I fit? What do I fit? Then I realized, for years I just never really felt the need to “fit in” because I was already an outcast due to having a hearing loss.

I have been asked who do I associate with more, the D/deaf, hard of hearing, late-deafen or hearing. My answer is hearing and hard of hearing. I really did not meet another student like me in my old school district until my last year in middle school as this student was a transfer from another school district. I didn’t meet another individual like me until after I transferred to another college to pursue my four year degree. However, I did have an audiologist, very briefly, who was hard of hearing and she was just a positive radiant and an inspiration. I say hearing because I grew up in the hearing world even though I was a hard of hearing individual. I didn’t get invites to parties or go out or really hang out with my hearing peers outside of school and activities. Sure, I had one or two friends that came to my house or I go to theirs but it was limited in my opinion. Today, I actually have met more and more individuals across the hearing loss spectrum and it feels good to know I’m not alone.

I have written in my past blogs that the hearing world can be brutal and harsh towards those who suffer from any degree of hearing loss really. Just ask around, you’ll hear stories of situations that some may have found themselves in that revolved around their hearing loss. As for me, I’ve overheard a few say I wouldn’t amount to anything or go far, I’ve been told I couldn’t achieve passing grades, I’ve been called deaf and dumb and made fun of. I’ve lost out on the ability to gain a career position because I wasn’t “qualified” enough even though I had EXCELLENT recommendations. But you know what, I don’t allow any of it to define who I am, no matter what gets thrown at me, I won’t let it.

I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I hadn’t gone through what I have gone through in my life. Does my hearing loss define me? Yes, in a way it does. It shows me the world through different lens. It shows me what still needs to be done. It shows me, there are more and more folks out there like me trying to get their voices to be heard so that they can be treated as equals. It shows me a world that acknowledges but doesn’t always act or show due respect. It challenges me to really think about where I stand and how can I change people’s perceptions about hearing loss. I am not my hearing loss, my hearing loss is a part of who I am and there’s no changing that. Either accept it or walk away.

In conclusion, my identity in my opinion is always evolving and changing. I don’t put myself in a box. I like being on the outside where the view is much better and my individuality is my own, no one else. Be yourself and appreciate who you are. Don’t let anyone take that away. It is OKAY to be different.

Taking Chances: Tackling the Workforce

2015-01-28T16:59:00.001-05:00

As I have been unsuccessful at getting through an interview in Buffalo, NY for the last four years, I had to finally ask for assistance from a local agency that works on behalf of those who are hard of hearing and/or Deaf. It is no fun when you go into a job interview and you find yourself among ringing phones, overhead intercom system, and other disruptions that can cause one to lose focus and concentration on important questions being asked.

I have always manage to find a job within a year or two. Never really struggled as much as I have been the last four years. There are those who may find themselves in a similar position as myself and to be honest finding a job with a server to profound hearing loss can be a huge challenge, even for those who have moderate to server hearing loss.

What bugs me about this whole thing is the fact that many assume that those with a hearing loss don't want to apply themselves or they are not capable enough to communicate effectively or worst the job requires a hearing individual. Truth is, there are folks out there with a college degree or a certification or experience who suffered from hearing loss either from birth or as a child or later in life. The question that many are asking are:

What jobs are available for those who are Hard of Hearing or Deaf?
What positions do most Hard of Hearing and/or Deaf hold?
What companies are Hard of Hearing and/or Deaf Friendly?
How does one get through an interview without it being focus on their inability to hear well?
How does one go about revealing or withholding their hearing loss? When is it a good time to reveal it?

There are college students with hearing loss exploring their employment options and they are asking and looking around for answers about how they will fare in the tough job market we have today. There are not a lot of resources available in regards to how to go about a job research, applications, interview process and knowing the rights of the worker via the ADA Act for those with hearing loss. Most college career centers usually are geared toward mostly hearing students who don't have that many obstacles keeping them from being potentially discriminated or even disqualified. While I understand also that if some colleges do not have a "sizable" population of Hard of Hearing and/or Deaf students, resources may be limited and depending on the state and local resources available to the HOH and/or Deaf population, many would have to go through a process to qualify for additional assistance in securing a job via State and/or Local levels. It's a pain but its also an additional process one must go through in order to secure their financial future.

The process that one may have to go through really does varies. Some can get a job without much help. Some may have gone through someone they know. Some may have to go through an agency to help them secure a job. It really does varies from individual to individual. However, for those who do need the additional help, the process can be time-consuming and sometimes there will be times of frustrations and anger because one has to try to understand why is it that they are either being overlooked or not hired or wonder if they missed something themselves. It's a very trying process for some.

As for me, I do have a college degree along with additional credits going towards a Bachelors. I have volunteer experiences along with working for higher education and non-profits over the years. It's frustrating to me because I have done my own research on how to go about job search as an individual with a hearing loss and because of my location and access to public transportation is limited, it's a challenge in itself. Hearing Loss Association of America has a really good resources page in regards to the very issues I've mentioned above. Workplace (click to open new link). It may be able to give you the information you need and even pointers about who to turn to and where to get help.

As a former Business major, I wish that folks who do go into Human Resources are more aware and acknowledgeable about how they approach applicants who do suffer from hearing loss of any degree. I wish that not only their department could be more aware but to educate their company on how to work with individuals who do suffer from hearing loss and what they can do to make the workplace even more accessible for those who may struggle in noisy environments or large board meetings or conferences either by phone or video. I've read some stories about how some folks were told it would cost the company or business too much to provide accommodations for them and I don't think it's widely known about the tax credits that are available. To learn more about it check out Tax Benefits for Businesses Who Have Employees with Disabilities. "The law requires an employer to provide reasonable accommodation to an employee or job applicant with a disability, unless doing so would cause significant difficulty or expense for the employer ("undue hardship")." This information is taken from the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission .

As you can see, I've been reading up on a lot. When it come to "undue hardship" aspect - I do know some states may offers financial assistance to certain qualifying businesses and/or organizations who do wish to hire an individual or individuals with a disability. They may require proof of hire and the position given along with start date and required accommodations needed in order to do the tasks just as well as their hearing or non-disabled counterparts can. Not all these resources are advertised as it does require some research to really understand exactly what is provided and what isn't. Mind you, I'm a good researcher, but if you want to know something specific, I will have to look it up to be for sure. I'll remember where I found the information but to recall it from memory, no it ain't happening. The only way I would be able to be specific if I had to do it daily and apply that information to different situations and cases.


Video Phone is common in the workplace for those who are HOH/Deaf & use ASL.

I may be out of work, but I do volunteer my time not only as a Board member of the local cochlear implant support group but also as a Cochlear Americas Volunteer. I am also a busy single mom at home, most of the work I do is pretty much online via Social Medias.

Please note that those who have lost their hearing later in life but were working for many years also suffer from hardship. Some have been blessed to have understanding employer(s) and co-workers while some may have had to dealt with the opposite. There are those who have been working for many years and it may not be easy for them to understand why its so hard for others with a hearing loss to get their foot in the door somewhere when they themselves also have a hearing loss. Please understand, folks who deal with and live with hearing loss are just as capable of achieving the same tasks as their hearing peers. Yes, they may have to go about things a bit differently, but they can get the job done.

Living off of SSI or SSI-D is not always ideal for many who do suffer from hearing loss. Especially when they do want to do more with their lives because they CAN. However, when they get turned away or put down by others with little to no actual knowledge of hearing loss, it leave the individual who is TRYING feeling defeated, alone and isolated. It can even leave them feeling like they have to defend themselves constantly for their own situation which many do not know what's its really like. For all they know is what they "assume" is happening or "assume" to be the problem. Every individual's situation will be different. Like in my case, I'm a single mom but will need to be home by the time my son has to get off the bus. Being a single mom with a hearing loss does come with its own challenges especially when you don't have a car of your own or even a driver's license but you know how to drive. Your hours will vary as a single parent to accommodate the extra responsibilities you do have. So finding work that will offer flexibility and work/life balance is hard. It is my hope that as I begin to embark upon a new task, this time with help, that I can gain my long awaited independence and the ability to be financially stabled and self-sufficient. I still have goals I want to achieve and reach, it's just a matter of making the right connections and being able to do my part in the process.

So before one decides to pass judgment, keep in mind, child care cost has gone up and trust me I've paid out of pocket in the past with help from scholarships and family, it's no laughing matter when the cost is equivalent to the cost of paying tuition at a public college be it per semester or per year. Because of cuts in public education over the years, after-school programs that were once free are now charging families on a sliding fee scale based upon their income levels. Not all families can afford the weekly total cost. Not all school districts who have to deal with cuts can afford to keep after-school programs running without any form of funding for them. Hence, why some or most school have cut after-school programs either partially or completely altogether. Any one who has to deal with the realities of living with any form of disability have to factor in costs associated with their own realities. It's not cheap having a hearing loss and medical insurance doesn't cover everything. The costs of acquiring a hearing aid itself can be between $500 (as a deductible for some) to $8,000 depending on where, who and what kind of hearing aid they need or is the best match for them. Getting a cochlear implant, granted you are given back sounds you thought you would never hear, but once your warranty is up, the cost out of pocket can be crippling in order to maintain the vitality the cochlear implant's processor so that one can be able to have the same level of quality of life as their hearing counterparts do. Hearing Aids and Cochlear Implants do need to be maintained professionally through audiological services. If sounds don't seem to sound "right", then one must make an appointment or contact his or her audiological team to get to the bottom of why it doesn't sound "right" anymore. If you think all these services are covered, guess again, they are not always covered under certain insurance plans. You'll be surprised to learn just how many folks have to pay out of pocket and they live off a fixed budget. It's not feasible. Especially if they are able and capable of working without too many restrictions or none at all. Blaming them for their positions isn't helping them at all especially if they are TRYING. For those who are medically unable to work, leave them alone. You are not a part of their medical team nor do you know their medical history. Keep in mind, again, every individual's situation is unique to each their own.

What's it's like being a HOH/Deaf Mom to a Hearing Child

2015-01-19T19:20:00.001-05:00

When I first had my son, many were concerned about how I would hear him cry in the middle of the night and how I would be able to hear something go wrong and how would I be able to tell if he is sick. You know to be honest, I kind of rolled my eyes because I learned how to live my life knowing how to tell the difference by changing up how I do things and using technology to help me.

As a new mom, I had a c-section, so getting up and down was not an option at all. What I did was I slept on the couch for about the first three weeks home, with my son sleeping on top of my chest as I held him securely. It was convenience because during those weeks I was breastfeeding. However, because I was living alone at that time, I did end up having to do more than what I wasn't suppose to do. But, ya know what, I did what I had to do and yes, I had help from friends and neighbors from time to time. But it was not an every other day or every few days deal. It would be more like a few times a month or whenever I needed the help and that's it. I wasn't one to really ask anything from anyone. I really am one who is used to doing just about everything on her own. As you may have guess it I can be quite stubborn.

When it came to middle of the night wakings I was fortunate enough to get a vibrating alert system that included a baby monitor hook up. Yes, it can be expensive, but it's worth it. If things were too quiet I would check in on him every five to fifteen minutes. Other than that, I just naturally knew his feeding schedule and napping and sleeping times. Other than that, no issues. He was a good baby.

Any who, when my son was sick, I would place my hands over his chest and feel for vibrations. Now, my son did suffer from a lot of upper respiratory infections when he was an infant. So if there was no vibration in his chest, it was obviously either the sniffles or a little cold. If there was a slight vibration then I would continue to treat it as a cold but notify the pediatrician's nurse about it and ask about the remedy and what to keep an eye out for, just to be on the safe side. Now if there was a strong vibration and his chest was struggling for air, then I would know it's time to make the appointment to see the pediatrician. Today, many pediatricians will not be quick to give out antibiotics due to the fact that antibiotics can stop working against certain bacterial infections overtime. Which can potentially put some at risk for MRSA. You will not really get antibiotics for viral infections or colds. To ease up the pain and/or fever, most pediatricians would recommend alternating between infant Tylenol or infant Motrin every four hours or depending on the child's diagnosis the pediatrician will make the best call for what you can do. Every child is different and will respond differently, so always check in with the pediatrician and most importantly pay attention to how your child responses to treatments given. Do not stop the treatment because they "appear" better, continue the treatment for the full course or else the bacteria can come back stronger.

Now, when I went to the pediatrician's office the staff and the doctor himself knew I was hard of hearing and that they had to look at me while they spoke. If I didn't understand something I would politely ask them to write it down for me and they would. This is another was of self-advocating for yourself as a hard of hearing mom. This not only shows you are making the extra effort to provide the proper care to your child, it also shows that you take your position in your situation serious and letting others know despite the degree of hearing loss you have, you are just as capable to be a good parent. This interacting with your child's pediatrician's and medical team will be like this for a good chuck of your child's life.

When it came to language delays - oh my God - I so wanted to really slap the hell out of some folks. Let me put it this way, before I became a mom, I am the oldest child in my family and lets say, only one sibling took after how I spoke but the others didn't. Why? Because I improved each year for 18 years in my speaking abilities and while I may always struggle with multiple pronunciations, for the most part my speech was considered well developed for someone with my hearing loss. (As I get older, my hearing in my hearing aid ear will continue to decline - hence a second CI may be in the future) What they didn't know is that I have learned about the Early Head Start and Head Start Program while I was working in non-profit a while back and I was well aware that some people would approach me about language delays and such. Yeah, I'm not "Deaf and Dumb" folks, I'm living proof that I can find my way around and do whatever it takes to make sure my son spoke well. By the time my son was two and a half, you were able to hold an actual conversation with him. Today he is an avid reader in first grade but reading at third grade level. So, again what language delay or language developmental issues? EXACTLY! None! So relax, as long as the hearing child is expose to both spoken and signed languages he or she will be fine. I support all forms of communications methods.

Now, my son speaks more than sign but knows when I don't have my ears on, he has to sign. I am not quick to put them on in the morning because I can either get a migraine or a really bad headache and it's not a pleasant thing to suffer through. So I give myself about 15-30 minutes to really wake up and then put my hearing aid and processor (the external piece of the CI) on. There will be days where I have to take them off and just leave them off. And it's so peaceful. It can be a bit frustrating for my son, but I try to make it fun and get him into learning more signs as he tells me what he wants or needs. But I don't do this often. It's every once in a while, I just have to have a break. Without a break, words and sounds become garbled. Yeah, sometimes the brain can get overloaded and the processing aspect of the brain needs time to rest and finish processing the things heard.

I taught my son, along with the help of his teachers, my former co-workers, in Early Head Start and Head Start Program how to sign milk, food, water and basic needs signs before he could talk. It helped me out greatly! Baby signs I strongly encourage! Consider it a basic foundation to learning how to say a word before actually saying it. It's a building block. You say the word out loud so that they hear it and you motion the sign in front of them repeatedly until they get it. So not only do they hear how it sounds but they associate the hand signs that go along with each word. Repetition is something that will continue to be ongoing, especially in today's Common Core Curriculum.

I have faced a lot of critics but you know what, I may not be perfect at a lot of things, but I do know this, that sometimes the world make it harder for others to live freely in it. Any form of limitations, shouldn't be looked down upon as a negative all the time unless professionals with their research says otherwise. Deaf parents can raise a hearing child, but no its not an easy task. But if we truly want to make society equal, be of help and don't criticize. Allow parents with any degree of hearing loss to parent to the best of their abilities, not yours or someone's else. If you can't, don't get mad if they walk away from you or stop speaking to you because in the hearing loss world, we don't ask for anyone to tell us how to be parents or what to do, just like hearing parents don't always ask for anyone to tell them how to be a parent or what to do with their own child. All parents grow into their roles and that role is constantly changing with a growing child. There is no one right way to raising a child. You just grow with them and cater to their personalities and needs according to where they are at.

You don't really know what kind of parent you will be until you become one. You learn that being stern may not always be needed. You learn that being strict may not always be the case. You learn that, sometimes you just gotta let your child go, so that they can explore their world and get a feel for the world around them. You just never know what kind of child you will have. Hence, you don't always know what kind of parenting style you will take on. You may think you know, but in all reality you just don't. All you can do as a parent is do the best that you can and go from there.

If anything that I learned, it's not going to always be smooth sailings. There will be miscommunication and misunderstandings, but at the end of the day all you can really do is count your blessings. Because a child's love in unconditional. There will be issues here and there from people who lack knowledge on hearing loss, but sometimes you just gotta smile and keep on walking and if they want to understand and really learn something from you, then educate them, inspire them and teach them there's more to life than hearing loss itself.

I'm a HearStrong Champion :)

2015-01-17T16:04:00.001-05:00

Last month (December 2014) I learned that I was officially named a HearStrong Champion. I must say it is an honor and a privileged to be considered among a part of a wonderful group of people who have not only overcome the obstacles faced as a hard of hearing individual, but have at each point in their lives taught, inspired, helped, and contributed to breaking down barriers in this world

Gloria Matthews - HearStrong Champion

Living with a hearing loss of any degree can have it's toll. It can affect your communications abilities, relationships, and more. There is no one way of dealing or coping with hearing loss, you just have to find a way to comes to terms with the fact that your hearing loss is now a part of who you are, not what you are. All this does take some time and experience to reach the fact that your hearing loss doesn't define you, it is how you define yourself. I will admit, when I was young and fearless, like most kids are, I didn't think twice about my ability to hear. But as I got older, I started to notice the need to self-advocate for myself and to somehow find a way to reach out to those who were working with me to understand that I can't keep up with multiple conversations as it wore me out. I had to figure out what would work for me and what wouldn't. When people talk about trial and error, living with a hearing loss is kinda like that. You learn what works and what doesn't. You learn who to work with and who not to work with and who is who when it comes to dealing with serious matters. It's like, you are seeking but you're not, you're browsing to create a network of people who will not only include you but know how to work with you. It's important to have the right kind of support system in place and to learn what's important and what's not. The journey isn't always going to be easy, but it will make you a better person for it despite the set backs.

HearStrong champions serve as role models to help empower the more than 30 million Americans with untreated hearing loss to take control of their hearing health. Find out more about each of their inspirational stories! You can go onto HearStrong Champions to check out all these amazing folks who have gone through the journey of hearing loss themselves!

Thank you all for reading my blogs and for your ongoing support! Lets make this year a GREAT YEAR!

A Fresh Start: It's time to rebuild

2015-01-09T19:29:00.000-05:00

I think in the last few days I have been forced to confront a lot. A part of me was trying to keep it all in, while the other part just couldn't continue on with living life in an unhappy and unhealthy way. I couldn't start this New Year pretending everything was alright. I couldn't start this New Year with secrets. I couldn't start this New Year with a guilty conscious. I just couldn't.

I spent the earlier part of my week not really sleeping, not really eating and just emotionally upset and fed up. Granted, I probably lost a few pounds but it'll come back eventually. For now, it's time to rid myself of these old feelings and instead of focusing on a situation that I tried to keep myself together for, the focus will shift to officially starting the healing process for myself.

Over the years, I gave up the ability to ever get close, to feel, to welcome a new love. I had a rough time dealing with a love that I've never felt before, a love I never experienced before, a love that hit my core so hard that when things went downhill, I shut down. I grew numb to remain neutral and objective. I grew numb to maintain a distance. I grew numb all around. I felt used, I felt unwanted, I felt unheard, I felt unworthy. My heart at that moment and at that time felt like it was under constant attacks, making it feel defenseless. Like nothing I said, that I really meant, mattered anymore. It was worthless. I felt worthless. I blamed myself for all of it, never really truly being able to forgive myself. So it was easier to love from a distance, to hug from a distance, to care from a distance. It was my way of protecting my heart from being hurt over and over again. It was my way of saying, "I can't do it anymore."

My heart did harden, but it never stopped caring. Yes, it was and still is hard for me to really express myself emotionally and sometimes I kick myself in the behind because I'm am a single mom who loves her little boy very much that the idea of something happening to him would really put an end to me but I struggle to express at times the love I hold for him. It's no easy task to express myself under the circumstances I was faced with. I held back a lot to keep the peace. A LOT. When I was talking to one of my best friends last night I said, "It feels like my heart weights a ton. When I try to breathe it feels like I'm in a choke hold." When I feel deeply, I just want to cry for hours because it's a hurt that enough to mimic a heart attack. It's a hurt that enough to break you in the manner of never truly being yourself. A hurt that steals the imagination, the hopes, the dreams and even destroy a little bit of the faith you hold onto. It's that kind of hurt that one feels extremely deeply that it won't be worth waking up the next day. The hurt where one would feel less like a burden, less of the blame, less of everything - the solution being deadly. I cannot tell you how many times I've been there. I cannot tell you how many times as a new mother with a newborn, I wanted to leave a note and just be gone from this life. I cannot tell you how difficult it was to be in my shoes.

I had to have an in-house counselor to visit me at home three times a week throughout my pregnancy and the first two years of my son's life. I had an outpatient counselor I had to see two times a week plus a psychiatrist at least once every two weeks. I suffered from sever depression during my pregnancy and then postpartum depression which of course didn't seem to matter. I was yet still to blame. I was yet the fault of everything that went wrong. I was willing to talk things out and to move forward in a positive direction, but I was met with more disagreements, more blame, more anger. Oh, how I tried!

What hurt more were the lies, the assumptions, the one-sided versions of everything. Not one word was able to come out from me. If I spoke, I got cut off. So of course, for every moment and time I felt cut off and unheard, it stayed inside me for a very, very long time. It ate at me. It cost me my ability to sleep for quite a few years on my own. It cost me my health and it cost me my ability to really focus on completing my education. It all came with a high price. Yet, I kept getting back up and trying again, each and every time. Only very few who were around me during that time, saw what I was going through first hand. To be honest, they were really truly my life savers. For that, oh, I'm forever grateful to them. I really am.

It's a miracle for me to still be standing today. I came a long way from those dark and hard times and I will admit I didn't think I would actually survive through it. Each day, it just felt like I just died a little each day. And each day, it felt like nothing mattered, like I was marked to never really have a healthy and real relationship. I felt like I was just a pretty face, nice body but filled with miscommunication and "issues" that were all misunderstood. I felt cheated at times because I knew something was said and when I went to ask for a repeat it became another statement, not the same sentence based off of how it sounded to me. Being hard of hearing, isn't something that will always be easy to deal with, but people will take advantage of it for their own benefits and once you realize that, it's an added insult and added hurt. Sometimes, even I am left questioning, "WHY?" It's a real struggle.

I believe it is time for me to really just stay to myself and leave my situation alone for a good long while. It took a lot out of me and this year will be different. It's time that I face the honest truth and deal with the honest reality. I may not be where I want to be, but God has me right where he needs me. So it is time that I let go and it is time that I put my foot down and stand up for myself. It is time for me to find myself again. It is time for me to be a better version of myself. No secrets, no lies, and no assumptions. That's not going to be my life anymore. I will live my life to be honest and truthful with not only myself but those all around me. I don't care if my honesty backfires on me, my character matters more to me than my reputation. I have a conscious and a heart that cares and no one, not even myself, should have to live in some form of darkness. It's time to start the releasing process and it won't be done and over with, but it will take some time. When that is done, I will move on to the next process and the next until I am rebuilt back up. It may take the whole year or it could take five, but as long as I am working on myself without issues coming up or distractions, I will be alright.

I hurt because I really tried to hang in there and I really tried to keep it together but it was all taking a toll on me and I just couldn't keep on living like this. It wasn't fair and it will never be. Life isn't always gonna be fair, but I already know that. Sometimes, the heart of the person goes the distance to give one chance after chance, but sooner or later, that heart will give out and when it does, it will never devote itself like that again. Not for a good long time.

There have been tears shed and probably more to come. But I made a mistake and I owed up to it. I'm not proud of what I have done, but I learned my lesson. It wasn't worth it. It seems like nothing I did was good enough and appreciated. But you know what, that's okay, at least I know I tried on my part, at least I know what's real. At least I know where I stand. At least I know I'm not living a false life.

I apologize if I started this New Year off with some depression blogs, however, sometimes one needs to find a release to be heard in some way. Sometimes in order to move forward and create pieces on a lighter side, one needs to clear out the darkness and the underlying issues. Sometimes one just needs space to calm down and rethink things over. However, I will say this, I do have plans and goals that I will be working on this year. It is my hope, that I will be able to complete them before the year's end.

If you or anyone you know suffer from any form of depression, know there is help available. Don't ever feel ashame for having to have a counselor, a shrink or any mental health professional specialist to help you through your rough times. They are there for a reason and they are there to help you. Consider them that extra lifeline because sometimes you just need a third party to talk to. Having a wonderful small close knit of friends who support you is great but even they need to have a break from time to time, but they let you know that if you ever need anything or need to talk, they will be there. They just can't help you in the same manner that a professional can. Keep that in mind. Life is too precious and it's too short, but we gotta try to fight for the good in life to make it count. So don't give up, just hang in there. Start with yourself first this New Year and just go from there. Everyone else will be fine, the world isn't gonna end without you or them. That is the advice I was reminded of by one of my best friends and it was a piece of advice I have given a long time ago to someone I knew. It's easy to get lost in a lot, but once one starts to become aware, it becomes a crossroad decision to make. Let say, it's never the decision type you want to make, but it becomes one that you have to make for yourself and your well-being. It becomes a decision that could change the course of everything. It becomes that decision where you finally decide where you stand in everything. It is that decision to free yourself from whatever it is to being able to move forward. It is that decision where you are willing to accept the backlash and start the process of rebuilding yourself. Depending upon the circumstances and number of people involved, you know with a clear conscious it won't be fair to some and to some it will hurt and to some it will anger. All one could hope for and pray for is forgiveness and peace. But more importantly the ability to forgive oneself. For me, I got to forgive myself and it may not be today, but one of these days I will. It's all a process.

Coping with Loss and Life

2015-01-08T11:48:00.001-05:00

On January 4th, 2015, it marked officially ten years since my mother passes from head and neck cancer. However, to be honest, it doesn't even feel like it has been ten years.

Over the past year alone, I have learned of love one's losing their love ones and followed them through their ups and downs on how they were coping. What I learned, no matter what kind of loss one may suffer through or from, any kind of loss will leave some kind of a lingering ache, a lingering hole and lingering "I wish" moments. For those who use "get over it" or "move on" or "let it go", they don't understand the kind of impact an individual may have left on the one who is grieving. They don't understand or know the kind of relationship that may have existed. They really just don't know. So yes, it would be considered cold and inhumane to use such three statements towards someone who is in grieving mode. There really is no time limit on grieving. There really is no one way to grieve. Every individual is entitled to grieve in their own way. Every individual will learn to find a way to move forward without their love one's present, but it will not always be easy.

My intention isn't to start this New Year or any New Year with a gloom outlook or feeling, but to remind people that while we may be at the start of a New Year, be compassionate, be understanding and just try to remember that we are all human beings with a conscious, a heart and a soul. If you injured one of those with words and actions, you may not even know just how powerful your words and/or your actions may have on old or even opened newly healed wounds. When old or newly healed wounds are reopened, a flood gate of old emotions rushes out. Every moment, every memory, everything.

For one to truly heal, they got to talk it out, work it out and cry it out. Most importantly, they expect the ones near them to be understanding and compassionate but aware that at times they will have their good and bad days. I find it harden when someone says "let it go" or "get over it" or "move on". It comes off wrong. If anyone I may have known have ever said that to me and down the line they loss someone they truly did care about and vented about how people don't understand their loss or how deep their pain goes, keep in mind those words have a way of making a full circle back, but I would never really say any of those three statements to anyone for I have suffered from loss in more ways than one. And to say, loss can and does changes a person's outlook on life. It can either go into full negative and darkness or it can go more into the positive of appreciating life more and those around you. The one thing I know, we are not always guaranteed to wake up the next day, but if and when we do wake up, we should be thankful for it. And if we wake up to knowing the ones we hold dear to our hearts are still here with us, that is double the blessing in itself. And if anything, we try our best to make the most out of it. To keep it honest, clean, respectful and peaceful. No secrets, no lies, no scheming, no plotting. Just keep it straight-forward and trust-worthy. Anyone with a conscious would not want to live in secret, they would rather live out loud and honest. Even if being honest may bring major backlash, it's their character that matters more than their reputation. The truth may hurt like hell, and it may hurt for a while but at least that individual can come face to face to their own mistakes and start working on learning how to forgive themselves.

Healing is a process. Learning is a process. Helping is a process. Working on a project is a process. Every aspect of life goes through some kind of process and process requires time and patience. Time and Patience is never really truly easy to have or to even deal with. In today's times, due to technology, we just want things to go away as soon as possible, but life doesn't work like that. No matter how hard one may push back, push back and push back, whatever it is that one doesn't want to accept or deal with, it will find a way to push back at them harder and harder until they must face whatever it is and actually deal with it. Loss, comes in many different forms and sometimes it may be blessing and other times it just may not be the case at all. It all depends on the circumstances and the people involved. It also depends on a personal level.

So if you know someone who is struggling and you can't be around them, be kind and let them know that you will always be there for them, but break it to them gently to let them know that you understand and you don't know how to help them through their difficult time and that you wish that you can. You wish that you could relate and you wish that there was a way to ease their pains. Let them know that you love them and you want nothing but the best for them. Give them a big hug and let them know everything will be alright. It may not be alright presently but eventually it will be alright. All we can really do is rely on time and faith to get us through. This can be hard for some to process because the heart is hurting beyond what one is used to, but given the time and space, they will eventually come around. Just not when everyone wants them to come around. Life itself has a natural order of things and some things cannot be pushed or hurried. If pushed or hurried, no one really heals or things don't really stick together well, leaving it all bounded to fall apart rather than come together as a whole with no gaps, no open wounds, no pain.

I've had a rough start to the New Year and I have no intention of hurting anyone or anything. I was told to let go, and so I did, just not in the manner one would have expected. It hurt like hell but I'll live as I always have. Not everything will appear to be what one may think it is. Not everything will seems to be what it is. We want to believe in something so much that we fail ourselves for ignoring red flags. However, in due time, when I am done processing and dealing with this, it is my hope that I can finally forgive myself after years of not really doing so. I think I've suffered myself long enough and it's time for me to recover and rebuild. It won't be easy, but my heart needs to heal from the core as it feels like it has a choke hold on me and I can't breathe. There may be more tears to be shed, more thoughts to be processed and kicked to the curb, but more importantly, it's time to start the healing process for me.

If you have something you've been holding in or back for so long, I understand. I also understand some things are not that easy to really let go. But it's a hard process, not one that you just take the first step, you have to actually MAKE it to that first step and MAKE that climb back up. You have to break the chains. It will require mental and emotional strengths but it will also require psychological strengths as well. While I have done counseling in the past, I am considering going back and to really work on myself this time instead of my situations. There's nothing wrong with seeking counseling, sometimes just talking things out and getting another perspective can help see things a little bit clearly and expand your options. No, life isn't going to treat us fair, but all we can to is try to make each moment count not only for ourselves but for those whom we come into contact with. Lets try to live our lives in truth and light. Lets try to understand and know where people stand and not assume anything. Lets try to keep things light and hearty. Lets try to forgive and learn. Lets try to be kind and respectful even when in disagreement. Lets try to be real and down to earth. All we can do is really TRY. For each step taken forward, be it small or big, is a step closer to becoming a better version of yourself. Set-backs will happen, but pay attention to the why and learn from it. For every set back lies a lesson in it that we must learn before we get to the next step. If we don't learn from those set-backs, life will feel stuck in the ruts. So think about it. I know I am. Peace.

Snowfall

2014-12-10T21:35:00.001-05:00

I've never seen it fall so steady,
yet gentle.

In the light of the night,
everything so calm.

My heart beats,
with wonder and awe.

My mind gazes off
into a daze.

My heart wants to jump
for joy.

My mind,
so humbled.

As I look outside,
I am forever grateful,
for having a warm place
to lay my sweet babe's head
and mine in comfort and peace.

Written By: Gloria M. Matthews

'Tis The Season

2014-12-03T21:51:00.000-05:00

Being someone who always tends to linger on the outside, I do take on different perspectives on life. This Holiday Season should be one of reflection, one of gratitude, one of realizations and one of humanity. In recent weeks, there have been a lot of unrest across the country and while it is sadden to witness lives taken and lives destroyed, we all need to recognize that we are first and foremost human beings. We must also recognize and accept the differences that makes us all unique and talented in different areas of life. I just can't believe we are approaching 2015 and yet there's still a long way to go to have equal treatment and opportunities for all.

This Holiday I will look forward to my third Christmas with my cochlear implant in hopes that this time I can listen with ease to Christmas music with family. Last year I was struggling due to my many sinus infections, but this year, I did what I needed to do and so far been good. I do my best to utilize the Netti Pot daily and use my prescription nasal spray to keep my post-nasal drip at bay and preventing the unnecessary sore throat and upset stomach that comes along with it. If I feel that my sinuses are not relieved by the two methods alone, I add in a decongestant that you can only get from behind the pharmacy's counter as needed. During high time for allergy seasons, I add in Zyrtec for relief as needed. Hence, to avoid the usage of antibiotics. It's important to pay attention to head colds, flu and sinus infections as they all have a tendency of building up fluid in the inner ear which can affect how one hears with the CI. Anyone with any of the above mentioned illnesses, will have to deal with some degree of muffled sounds be it with hearing aids, CIs or without, it affects us all differently.

As I look forward to traveling once again, it will be a nice release for me. I know I just need a nice break and some much needed adult conversations and time to just relax and explore a bit. The holidays are never easy for me, but I do love seeing the joy in my son's face and our family's interactions. There's nothing like spending time with family.

While I know there are a few families out there who will be celebrating the Holidays without one or more of their love ones here, please be kind and be a light for them. It's not easy to deal with loss, especially around this time of the year. There is no time limit on grieving. However, with each passing year the ones we've loss will always be with us in our hearts and we'll miss them dearly but we go on and we live our lives to the best of our abilities and we learn to love and appreciate each other a little bit more. So even if it hurts to smile, it's okay to shed a tear. Just know, they would want to see you happy and enjoying life.

If anything, this year has been a refresher for me. It was nice to see small changes and improved communications and I'm just so grateful for that. It has reduced my stress level to a degree and my anxiety that always seemed to have prevented me from speaking up. I still got work on my part to do, but as long as things are improving, I'm good. Life has a way of surprising us, be it good or bad. There are some things that are not within our control and their are some things that just suddenly becomes overwhelming. What I have learned through the bad is to always remember the good, to always look for the good in the bad. It ain't easy, I'll tell you that, but it's better then being angry all the time. Sometimes, the bad times teaches us something and sometimes it's a harsh lesson. Sometimes it's a wake-up call. Whatever it is, bad times happens for a reason. Don't let it destroy you or damage what is good already. Let it help you become a better and stronger version of yourselves.

Changes happens and it happens to us all. We are not the same persons we were a year ago, five years ago or even ten years ago. We evolve, we grow, we become wiser with age and experiences, we become more aware of our surroundings and we learn more about life as we move forward in time. No one has the same goals anymore or visions, they too change and evolve into something more achievable and realistic. I know changes are hard for some folks but not all changes are bad. Sometimes a change can bring about new experiences in life and it can also bring about uncomfortable experiences as well. The goal is to learn to embrace it and gain as much perspective as you can and most importantly keep an open mind and an open heart. We all view the world with different lens and I know sometimes it can be hard to look through the same lens as someone else's. Just remember our experiences do play a role in how we view the world around us, but we must learn to adapt to how others' experiences have shaped how they also view the world around them. "Walk a mile in their shoes...." if you heard this, it's true. If you haven't experienced what another person has gone through, be mindful of what you say and/or do around them. No one situation is or will be exactly the same due to it involving different personalities and backgrounds. Yes, many situations can be similar but never really, truly the same.

So I will end this blog with one of my favorite Christmas song, "My Grown Up Christmas List". So forgive one another and love one another for we don't know what tomorrow may bring. Don't wait to say you're sorry for all you've done because maybe that is something someone is waiting to hear before their time is up. If that someone is waiting to hear an apology, that means they still got love in their heart and are willing to forgive you. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. So be kind, generous, and understanding this Holiday Season. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Listening to Music with Cochlear Implants

2014-11-10T14:53:00.000-05:00

Cochlear Americas N5 bilateral audio cable connected to the iPod.

For some time now, I’ve heard there are quite a few people struggling to “hear” music clearly through their cochlear’s processor(s). As I write, I’m currently using my direct audio cable to listen to music on my desktop and the music sounds better through the audio cable than over the use of the speaker. Before I continue to go on, I would like to note that I am a Cochlear Nucleus 5 user and this is based off of my own personal experiences.

I have six plus years of playing clarinet, one year each for viola, piano, and harmonica. During my childhood up til teen years I was involved with my hometown church’s Handbell Choir and Children’s Choir for the holiday seasons. I enjoyed music despite my hearing loss. During my early 20s, I participated in a couple of local bar gigs with friends playing my clarinet by ear. How? It’s all in the count, the beat, the harmonies and the melody. What was more important was knowing the count, which was how my mother taught me. Everything else followed.

While I am aware that each cochlear implant company have uniquely different designs, programs and functions, this may or may not apply to some or all of you. So bare with me here. When I first got activated, I waited until I could get used to basic sounds and to slowly build up my brain’s recognition of different sounds. Music is put together with just a simple note and builds up from there into a beautiful song or an award winning masterpiece. Getting your CI ear to learn the differences between sounds is vital to learning the differences in the sounds of music. What do I mean? First, pay attention to what sounds come to you easy. Are they in the low frequency range which is equivalent to a Bass or are they in the mid-frequency range where you can tell the difference in the low to mid-high frequencies or are they in the high frequency range? Where do you fall in term of hearing the frequencies? Now, if the low frequencies come easy, listen to music that has that bass sound, the deep sounds that are low and loud. Some deep sounds can even be soft but have that bass in it that you can still make out what the words and still have the music playing a bit low in the background. Choose music with minimal background music to start off. Some suggestions would be listening to music that have only people singing without music, but you can hear the music in their voices. If you feel confident move up to music that has a couple of instruments involved and listen to one that stands out to you, over and over again until your CI ear get’s a better idea of what it’s listening to. Another approach is to go back to your old music that you are familiar with and have it on repeat for about ten to fifteen minutes tops - do this without forcing yourself to listen or else the sounds will not come to you naturally - just simply listen.

One thing many may not be aware of is when you first pick up on the sounds of music you may strain or force yourself to really listen to it and before you know it music doesn’t sound like music. Just noise. Do yourself a favor, just relax and take it one step at a time. It’s like with speech, speech doesn’t come in clear right away, but eventually it does because you were able to listen passively and not actively all the time. Passive listening is listening without reaction and allowing someone to speak or sing, without interrupting. Not doing anything else at the same time. This is when you are relaxed. Active listening is reacting or doing something that demonstrates you are listening and have understood. So this would be a response to what you heard and writing down information or giving a verbal cue. The active listening takes place in many different situations. However, do we always respond back or do we just decide to “just listen” (passive listening)? Most of the time, many of us are really in a passive listening mode. We don’t always respond but when we do pick up on something- there is a response which means you were able to go from passively listening to active listening without knowing it. Now with music, it requires passive listening skills first. Just allow the music to “flow” to your ears, allow those notes to stream through your auditory processing center of your brain and let your brain get used it it. So yes, it’s either training or retraining the brain to recognize music notes and sounds before your brain can put it together. It’s just like learning to recognized speech and environmental sounds. It’s little by little.

Music is made up of different pitches. It is also made up with simple to complex sounds. So understandably music can be a bit difficult to master in terms of listening. Now, if you don’t have the music background or training, as I mentioned earlier start off simple and with the basics. If that means listening to children’s music that is played simply to music that is played at a much more complex level, then so be it, it’s a start. Without the building blocks or musical sounds broken down it can be a challenge.

What helped me was reading the music and playing the keys on a keyboard to hear the differences in notes. As soon as I got the sounds down, I was able to proceed on my clarinet to know how each note sounded and then play the song. Each instrument produce different sounds for the same note, this is because of how the instruments are designed and put together. One same note could have similar pitches but they are slightly different in how they sound. But when played at the same time it like a harmony of different instruments coming together playing just that one note and holding it and it’s rough starting out but then it starts to smooth out. Harmony is a beautiful sound once you hear it. Melodies may come easy for some and for others not so much. However, consider this abstract below:

Cochlear implant melody recognition as a function of melody frequency range, harmonicity, and number of electrodes.

Singh S¹, Kong YY, Zeng FG.

Author information

● ¹School of Medicine, University of California, Irvine, California 92697, USA.

Abstract

OBJECTIVE:

The primary goal of the present study was to determine how cochlear implant melody recognition was affected by the frequency range of the melodies, the harmonicity of these melodies, and the number of activated electrodes. The secondary goal was to investigate whether melody recognition and speech recognition were differentially affected by the limitations imposed by cochlear implant processing.

DESIGN:

Four experiments were conducted. In the first experiment, 11 cochlear implant users used their clinical processors to recognize melodies of complex harmonic tones with their fundamental frequencies being in the low (104-262 Hz), middle (207-523 Hz), and high (414-1046 Hz) ranges. In the second experiment, melody recognition with pure tones was compared to melody recognition with complex harmonic tones in four subjects. In the third experiment, melody recognition was measured as a function of the number of electrodes in five subjects. In the fourth experiment, vowel and consonant recognition were measured as a function of the number of electrodes in the same five subjects who participated in the third experiment.

RESULTS:

Frequency range significantly affected cochlear implant melody recognition, with higher frequency ranges producing better performance. Pure tones produced significantly better performance than complex harmonic tones. Increasing the number of activated electrodes did not affect performance with low- and middle-frequency melodies but produced better performance with high-frequency melodies. Large individual variability was observed for melody recognition, but its source seemed to be different from the source of the large variability observed in speech recognition.

CONCLUSION:

Contemporary cochlear implants do not adequately encode either temporal pitch or place pitch cues. Melody recognition and speech recognition require different signal processing strategies in future cochlear implants. (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19194298)

As you can see research have been done on this area. Here is another abstract taken from the same website regarding the effect of age.

Effects of age on melody and timbre perception in simulations of electro-acoustic and cochlear-implant hearing.

Arehart KH¹, Croghan NB, Muralimanohar RK.

Author information

● ¹Department of Speech, Language, Hearing Sciences, University of Colorado; Boulder, Colorado, USA.

Abstract

OBJECTIVES:

Recent evidence suggests that age might affect the ability of listeners to process fundamental frequency cues in speech, and that this difficulty might impact the ability of older listeners to use and combine envelope and fine structure cues available in simulations of electro-acoustic and cochlear-implant hearing. The purpose of this article is to examine whether this difficulty extends to music. Specially, this study focuses on whether older listeners have a decreased ability to use and combine different types of cues in the perception of melody and timbre.

DESIGN:

A group of older listeners with normal to near-normal hearing and a group of younger listeners with normal hearing participated in the melody and timbre recognition tasks of the University of Washington Clinical Assessment of Music Perception test. The recognition tasks were completed for five different processing conditions: (1) an unprocessed condition; (2) an eight-channel vocoding condition that simulated a traditional cochlear implant and contained temporal envelope cues; (3) a simulation of electro-acoustic stimulation (sEAS) that included a low-pass acoustic component and high-pass vocoded portion, and which provided fine structure and envelope cues; (4) a condition that included only the low-pass acoustic portion of the sEAS; and (5) a condition that included only the high-frequency vocoded portion of the sEAS stimulus.

RESULTS:

Melody recognition was excellent for both younger and older listeners in the conditions containing the unprocessed stimuli, the full sEAS stimuli, and the low-pass sEAS stimuli. Melody recognition was significantly worse in the cochlear-implant simulation condition, especially for the older group of listeners. Performance on the timbre task was highest for the unprocessed condition, and progressively decreased for the sEAS and cochlear-implant simulation conditions. Compared with younger listeners, older listeners had significantly poorer timbre recognition for all processing conditions. For melody recognition, the unprocessed low-frequency portion of the sEAS stimulus was the primary factor determining improved performance in the sEAS condition compared with the cochlear-implant simulation. For timbre recognition, both the unprocessed low-frequency and high-frequency vocoded portions of the sEAS stimulus contributed to sEAS improvement in the younger group. In contrast, most listeners in the older group were not able to take advantage of the high-frequency vocoded portion of the sEAS stimulus for timbre recognition.

CONCLUSIONS:

The results of this simulation study support the idea that older listeners will have diminished timbre and melody perception in traditional cochlear-implant listening due to degraded envelope processing. The findings also suggest that music perception by older listeners with cochlear implants will be improved with the addition of low-frequency residual hearing. However, these improvements might not be comparable for all dimensions of music perception. That is, more improvement might be evident for tasks that rely primarily on the low-frequency portion of the electro-acoustic stimulus (e.g., melody recognition), and less improvement might be evident in situations that require across-frequency integration of cues (e.g., timbre perception). http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/24441739

As you can see, there is more work that needs to be on the cochlear implant simulation. Since really the primary purpose of the electrode is to hear better in speech and the natural environment, music appreciation comes with patience and time. While companies are all working to maximize the ability of the electrodes to do better with music, keep it mind how different music and speech are. I believe the only way to really get to know music is to experience it for ourselves and to take it on like a project, just how we took on speech and environmental sounds as a personal project in the beginning of our new hearing journey. Don’t be easily discourage however, try using the audio cable (if your cochlear came with one) start with music you are familiar with first and then in a silent room play the same music on speaker. With speakers you may have to readjust the volume to find your comfort zone and where you feel you pick up more of the lyrics or sounds or both equally! It really is a learning experience, so take it slow and don’t force it. Let the music come to you.

***Please note that I did copy and paste from National Center for Biotechnology Information. If you wish to learn more please feel free to click on the link to follow up. I am only going off my own experience and interpretation of information I have either read or heard about. If you wish to correct something I said please feel free to contact me. Thank you for reading.***