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How To Instantly Bring A Man CLOSER Instead Of Push Him Away

2015-02-28T09:00:00.000-08:00

How To Instantly Bring A Man CLOSER Instead Of Push Him Away

How To Instantly Bring A Man CLOSER Instead Of Push Him Away
By Helena Hart, M.A.

Lately I've been getting asked a lot of questions about how to bring a man closer, especially when he's been acting distant or pulling away.

If you're feeling a sense of longing for a man - especially a man who isn't giving you all the love, affection, and attention you want and deserve - this will help you shift your vibe and bring him CLOSER to you.

Every time you look at a man, you have a choice in that moment. You can think about something you're lacking - something you're NOT getting from him - or you can think about something you LIKE about him, or something he does that makes you feel fantastic. That option is yours!

Many women choose to come from a place of LACK - whether they're conscious of this or not - because most of us were somehow raised to wallow in pain and then "rise above it." We're often INSPIRED by our anger or our jealousy.

For me, this was especially the case with the "nice guys" who wanted to love me - I was always looking for reasons to "disqualify" them.

When you're coming from a place of LACK when you're with a man - it comes across as needy - and he'll start to feel like whatever he does, he can never make you happy.

This can cause a lot of damage in a relationship - it ultimately makes a man feel LESS attracted and connected to you, and it pushes him away.

When it comes to relationships, we're often in a place of judgment, defensiveness, and attack - without even realizing it! Deep down we tend to think that if we're not complaining or attacking, we're going to get hurt.

When we're coming from this place, we're actually REPELLING love. When we're actively judgmental or attacking, we start to sink into a malaise in our heart where we feel unworthy of love because we're unwilling to be loving.

Deep down you may equate being loving with "giving to get." You may think you're being loving towards someone - but if your motivation is to GET something from them in return, that's not loving.

That's when love can feel UNSAFE - because what you're experiencing isn't love, even though you may have been taught that's what love is. Love isn't trying to "get" anything - love IS everything! It doesn't lack.

Next time you look at a man, try thinking about something you LIKE about him, or something he does that makes you feel cherished and adored.

This will instantly shift your vibe and bring him CLOSER by making him feel more attracted and connected to you!

If you REALLY want to build the kind of deep attraction that inspires a man's love, devotion, and commitment, visit www.helenahartcoaching.com. You can instantly download your FREE eBook copy of "3 Keys To Attract The Man You Want" and book a FREE 30-minute coaching session with me!

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Never Say Never Because You Will

2015-02-27T08:59:00.000-08:00

Never Say Never Because You Will

Never Say Never Because You Will
By Connie H Deutsch

When I was young and something didn't work out in my favor, I'd say, "I'll never (fill in the missing blanks) and my mother had two favorite comeback lines. She would say, "Never is a long time" or she would say, "Never say never."

In the early days, I would scoff at her and say such stupid things like, "I mean it, Mom. I'll NEVER... " and before long, "NEVER" would come up and bite me in the rear end.

It took a lot of experiences for me to learn that "never" comes sooner than we can imagine. I'd no sooner say it, than I'd be face-to-face with a similar situation and I'd feel like I had no choice but to do what I said I would never do again.

I've never enjoyed eating crow, with or without ketchup or other seasonings, so I learned to think that I'd never do the same thing again, but I wouldn't say it aloud. My mother usually knew what I was thinking and, she was kind enough not to say it but, there were many times I caught her smiling when she thought I wasn't looking.

And, of course, her other comeback line, "Never is a long time," always made me think that I would outlive that time but that, of course, was when I was very young and hadn't experienced enough of life to know that you don't have to live a hundred years to find out that "never" doesn't take a hundred years to come back and make you regret ever having said that.

Maybe kids are more savvy today than they were in my day; maybe they don't think they can outlive the fates or fool them into thinking they're too smart to use the word, "never" but I'll bet they have other expressions that are similar to the ones we used. They may not sound the same, but I'll bet they mean the same.

Kids of all generations have certain things in common, not just their youth and inexperience. They think they're invincible and immortal and that they can fool their parents. I remember being that age and not realizing that whatever I was doing or wanted to do, my parents had already done it when they were my age and knew how to stop me from getting too close to the edge of the cliff that other kids were jumping off of.

Although I didn't learn not to say "never" when I was young, I eventually learned not to even think it when I got older. Experience goes a long way. I now know that "never" comes sooner than I'd like and stays in my life longer than I ever imagined.

So, for now, I'll just say... "Never say never" and be prepared for much more than you bargained for.

Connie H. Deutsch is an internationally known business consultant and personal advisor who has a keen understanding of human nature and is a natural problem-solver.

Connie is the author of the books, "Whispers of the Soul," "A Slice of Life," "Whispers of the Soul for the Rest of Your Life," "From Where I'm Sitting," "View from the Sidelines," "Reaching for the Brass Ring of Life," "Purple Days and Starry Nights," "Here and There," "And That's How it Goes," and "The Counseling Effect." Her website: http://www.conniehdeutsch.com/

See more of her articles by clicking here Connie H Deutsch Articles

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Round And Round It Goes - Which Country Nobody Knows! Keeping Perspective While Changing Lives

2015-02-26T08:58:00.000-08:00

Round And Round It Goes - Which Country Nobody Knows! Keeping Perspective While Changing Lives

Round And Round It Goes - Which Country Nobody Knows! Keeping Perspective While Changing Lives
By Liz Galloway

Have you ever wanted to live in more than one place at a time? Felt constricted by tradition and wondered how you could live all the lives you had created in your mind in just one lifetime? I have.

Next month I may end up in a completely new country. My job and life may change. New language, culture, neighborhoods, foods, places to discover, and per usual, finding the cool little places where the locals go. Its' exciting, its challenging, its' disorienting, and it's my evolution.

I find myself scanning the internet, always on the lookout for interesting offers, jobs, retreats, volunteerism. This could be my second life, my third, or even the one that just lets me feel grounded. But what would that take? How far would I travel to find home?

I can't decide if I'm regressing back into childhood or having an early midlife crisis. The difference. Children are so oblivious to people in lieu of their playtime. They don't wonder if the game they've created is understood or approved by the adults around them. They'll create fun out of sticks, stones, insects, and things you don't want them to touch. Just minutes ago, I had an abnormally monstrous size pine cone wiz by my face as a group of kids played what resembled a game of pine cone tag. The 'game' of a mid lifer's crisis' on the other hand are preoccupied, indecisive. They can be fickle as they re-collect all the past years, can't make sense of the current years, and ponder the future ones.

I left Central America to return to the states, and spent time living between Utah and India until my recent arrival in Spain. I was immediately comfortable in Barcelona, have a great position, access to beautiful places, travel, things, new acquaintances, but yet had an uneasy feeling in my stomach. This unease has prompted me to ponder changes in my life, living as an expat, my family, work, and that undefined question... Happiness?

Barcelona is a stopover country on my way to I don't know where. I could take a position in Doha, or the Mexican Riviera. I can go where I want. Its' a game of roulette, whichever comes first, I'll take it. Right now I feel, if I just keep moving, countries, jobs, people, that the sheer lack of inertia will keep me from having to answer the question. What would it take to make me really happy? What does that mean? Questions come in troves as I ponder the sheer magnitude of life.

At the same time that I love this city, I hate it. At the same time I'm comfortable, I'm still a foreigner. Where I find peace, I also find my emotions volatile, I feel free and child like, but burdened and old. No, I'm not bi-polar, nor ever lived my life irresponsibly. In fact I've been the one mothering my friends, leaning on the conservative side, pulling people back from the edge, and taking the job of motherhood very seriously.

Though I've made career decisions to live as an expat with my son years ago, I'd never taken uncalculated risks. With the past 8 years revolving around expat life, some friends envy me, others think I'm crazy, and family... Let's just say they're not supportive.

Now for the first time, I'm questioning decisions, feel restless, and am embarking on a new exploration that is more strange and more unsettling than the most foreign and far away land could be. Part of this reconciling with past and present is an affliction that comes with expat -hood.

Thrown into this concoction is the recent and unexpected fact that I no longer have my son with me as he fights to enter young adulthood and is too busy orbiting a destructive biological father whom he wants to familiarize himself with, and the final depletion of a 6 year marriage that became destructive and shameful. My deepest, darkest feelings now coming to the surface.

I'm fully aware that this combination of events, while navigating my new surroundings has created a Molotov cocktail. Keep the lighters away please. My previous expat relocations seemed to have been so effortless compared to this. So deciding if I'm childlike or pre-crisis doesn't really need to be decided concretely right now. Both are unaware, confused about who they are or where life is going from time to time, and both can be uncertain of the validity of their decisions.

That leaves 'Happiness'? Well-being, bliss, peace of mind, hopefulness, joy... Knowing what it would take to make that uneasy feeling in my stomach go away, I'm not quite there yet. I know that I am on a journey, and it will come.

Travel for me has always been a stress reliever, an apprenticeship of life, a dream experience where I could safely observe cultures, languages and people, participating in them as much or as little as I wanted. Its' part of who I am. I doesn't make me impulsive, or illogical. The objectivity in my panoramic perspective is still there. The answer to the ultimate question of happiness is within reach.

For now I'll enjoy a late night viewing of young couples performing Flamenco in a quaint bar in Placa Rieal, sip a 'copa de vino blanco', and at some point, make my way back home. Though, I'm alone, it's hard to feel very lonely amongst so many people, there is always something to do. This is home for now, until the unease becomes too great, or the seduction of more money, a more attractive position, exotic location, or even the enticement a new person becomes too enticing. Who knows, it could be my fourth life.

We as women, are built with extraordinarily strength, creatures with soul. As expat's we are a breed amongst ourselves, whether we are an accompanying partner, a professional, a mother, or most likely a combination of all of the above. It's easy to doubt perspective amid change.

For now, I don't care if those around me approve of or understand of my "game". Life is a game for all of us. For the first time its' just me, and my journey has just begun.

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Fake It Til You Make It

2015-02-25T08:57:00.000-08:00

Fake It Til You Make It

Fake It Til You Make It
By Lisa Zaccagnini

Fake it 'til you make it...

Have you ever heard this phrase? What does it mean to you? I think it takes on different meanings depending on who is applying it. For me it calls to something deep inside, confidence and attitude. It asks me to challenge myself and dare to live "as if... ".

My oldest son is leaving home next month to test his independence and his self-confidence by moving far away from home, away from his safety net, his foundation, his comfort zone. As his mom it is hard for me to come to terms with his decision, but if I step back and put myself in his shoes I can almost taste the excitement of the adventure and feel the energy of ownership of making his own decisions, his own space, and his own time. Who among us doesn't remember the feeling of wanting to take life into their own hands? He always imagined himself a leader, a doer. He is now faced with faking it 'til he makes it; to dare and live "as if"; putting on the mask of the person he wants to one day become.

"The thing that is really hard and really amazing is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." Anna Quindlen

And boy oh boy is it ever hard work to become yourself. Are you even there yet? Can you remember when you were little and dressing up for Halloween? The costume you chose, whether to be a superhero or a princess? Each costume came with a mask or make-up that allowed you to transform into the idea of who you wanted to be. Can you remember what you felt like once the mask and costume were in place? There was a sort of empowerment, ownership of this imagined you. Maybe grown-ups didn't really believe who you were imagining yourself to be but you felt encouraged to go on and be your Batman self or your Little Mermaid self. You would never know that the grown-ups could see right through because they always greeted you as if you were the superhero or the princess. You were emotionally invested in the persona. Faking it at a young age gave you the freedom of your imagination and creativity to keep on putting on masks and trying them out as you got older. What stuck? What did you ultimately believe about yourself?

Emotions play a big role in all of our life pursuits. Emotions are our fuel. In his book, Happier, Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar writes, "Emotions cause motion; they provide a motive that drives our actions; emotion, motion, motivation are intimately linked." It is absolutely emotion that is driving my son to seek his independence and declare his abilities to himself and the world. Whenever I try to talk to him about this big step he gets emotional just trying to talk to me. It is emotion that drives the idea of "fake it 'til you make it." It is with emotion that we chose the costumes that we did when we were little. Emotion feeds our determination to conquer whatever we choose to do in life.

I have to wonder what his personal questions were:

1) What motivates me to consider this move?

2) What is the opportunity?

3) Who do I need to be in order to become who I want to be?

The philosopher and founder of American Psychology, William James believed that "acting a certain way could make you feel that way." In the thought processes of "fake it 'til you make it" that is exactly the case. Hundreds of experiments have proved this theory correct. For example, a Clark University study showed that smiling, whether on purpose or naturally induced, made people feel happier. Try this experiment when you don't really feel like smiling, smile wide and hold for 20 seconds. Take notice of how you feel during the experiment and at the end. Keep trying it and you will start to believe in the emotional effects of smiling.

Perhaps you are not taking a leap of faith and going out to conquer the world in the way my son has decided to do. Perhaps you are or will be a new college graduate and wondering what now? We live in tough economic times and finding a job in your field of study is not easy. You may and probably will have to take a job way outside of your degree in order to start paying back those student loans. Will you fake it 'til you make it? Will you have the self-confidence and positive attitude to push forward no matter what? What mask will you choose to wear so that people outwardly will believe in who you are trying to become inwardly, but more so that you will start to believe in who you are trying to become? In every job experience you will have you will always need to ask yourself these questions:

1) What gives my life a sense of purpose?

2) What do I enjoy doing?

3) What am I good at?

Answering these questions might guide you toward a calling or help you get through each phase of your life in general. Staying true to who you are and how you answer these questions will always lead you to doing good work. You might not yet know the answers to these questions because you are about to test them all out in the real world. Fake it 'til you make it. Try on different masks and costumes until you find what fits.

DO smile always. People are attracted to smiling people.

DO stand up straight and tall and proud whether you feel like it or not. People will believe in your inner strength if they see it outwardly.

DO contribute where and when you can. Talk to people and be part of conversations. Make an effort to believe that you have something to say because you know what, you do have something to say, you do have worth and substance; you are enough.

DO know that you are not alone. There is a world full of people faking it until they make it; practicing to become the person they want to be.

DO know your own strengths. Take time to discover all the great success characteristics about yourself. It will empower you to smile more, stand taller and contribute endlessly.

DON'T hide in corners or find distractions like using your cell phone too often in social situations. Make people see that they matter to you and you will matter to them. People like to feel validated (and so do you).

DON'T gossip. Don't tell tall tales and don't talk about others behind their backs.

Dr. Ben-Shahar writes, "Happiness at whatever level, does not require a constant experience of ecstasy nor does it require an unbroken chain of positive emotions. To be happy, we have to feel that, on the whole, whatever sorrow, trials, and tribulations we may encounter, we still experience the joy of being alive." There was pure joy in wearing those costumes so long ago. There can be joy in allowing life to be the teacher now. Putting on the fake it 'til you make it mask has a more positive impact on the overall experience. Despite feeling frustrated or let down by not getting that all important job in your field of study right away, smiling anyway, choosing to take each experience for all it's worth goes a long way to help you and everyone around you believe that you are right where you should be. I know that my son will have no choice but to fake it 'til he makes it because as far as the real world is concerned he is a newbie and at the same time doesn't want his inexperience to shine brighter than his determination.

At the University of Rochester, researchers gave subjects an unsolvable problem. Those people that folded their arms in a stubborn pose persevered twice as long as the people that did not display any body language. A study in Singapore revealed that clenching your fist powers your willpower. Try some experiments to see if you can empower yourself to get through some tough moments. Turn your have-to situations into want-to situations by readjusting your confidence and your attitude. Live "as if" this is exactly where you want to be, "as if" you are experiencing exactly what you hoped to experience. How we perceive the work we do, how we perceive the situations we are in matters more than the work or the situation. My son perceives his life's journey to be in a different location from where he grew up, with different people surrounding him and influencing his perspective. He is approaching this with zest and humor and courage. What more could a mom ask for?

"Every thought you produce, anything you say, any action you do, it bears your signature." Thich Nhat Hanh

What thoughts will you produce? What actions will you take to make your moments uniquely you? Will you smile anyway, will you laugh anyway, and will you allow for gain in the experience? What words will you say to start living "as if... ?" What about you will you allow to bear your signature? Fake it 'til you make it and enjoy the ecstatic experience. Journey On...

If you would like to explore how coaching can help move your life forward powerfully and purposefully, email Lisa for a complimentary 30 minute coaching consultation at: lisa@journeyoncoaching.com

Visit our website at http://www.journeyoncoaching.com

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What Animals Reveal About Why We Kiss

2015-02-24T08:56:00.000-08:00

What Animals Reveal About Why We Kiss

What Animals Reveal About Why We Kiss
By Jennifer Verdolin, Ph.d.

Kisses are nearly universal, whether given as a greeting, a sign of affection, or a tentative indicator of the first stirrings of attraction.

In many cultures, a kiss on the cheek is a common way of saying hello or goodbye. Despite my European upbringing, I have always been a little wary of kissing strangers, even if it's just a light peck-there is that uncomfortable moment when you may not be so keen to engage in the ritual but risk offending a new acquaintance.

Maybe for me, kissing, in whatever form, is more personal and intimate-a gesture reserved for "special" occasions. At the same time, one can think of many more unpleasant ways to say hello-for a cat or a dog, a sniff of the bum or a whiff of each other's breath may be the preferred way to go. I suppose, then, that an air kiss to each cheek (the face, not the butt) isn't so bad after all.

It's all about perspective.

Why do so many animals kiss? For the many species who greet one another with a kiss or a sniff, it's about exchanging a wealth of information-who they are, how healthy they are, what their hormone levels are, where they have been, and what they have eaten. Such can be the power of even the simplest kisses. Take prairie dogs (link is external). They are known for their "greet-kiss," which goes a little like this: Two prairie dogs approach, they lock teeth, swap some saliva, and then, inevitably, one of two things happens-they fight or they go about their business. Do they fight because one is a poor kisser? More likely, it's because they don't belong to the same social group.

Among we humans, nothing is as momentous as that first kiss (link is external) when it comes to arousal, romance, and love. It usually does not lead to a fight, but it can rock your world or shatter your dreams. And, oh, how nerve-racking it can be.

What's so important about the first kiss? There is evidence to suggest that, via touch, taste, and smell, it aids us in assessing the long-term potential of a mate. Through the saliva, scientists speculate, kisses help us acquire a range of information about a potential mate, including hormone levels, health, and genetic compatibility (We're more like prairie dogs than you thought.) We also learn about basic compatibility based on how well we kiss together. And once you kiss, a suite of chemical reactions in the brain and body are activated. Sparks really can fly.

We aren't the only species to kiss for "love," but others have developed different approaches. Cardiocondyla elegans (link is external), a species of ant, has a decidedly special kiss. Unlike humans and bonobos (link is external), which share our passion for tongue kissing, C. elegans plays antennae hockey to get in the mood. We don't have antennae, of course, but not all human cultures, past or present, embrace mouth-to-mouth contact as a sign of affection. In ancient Egyptian and several cultures still vibrant today today, such as some Inuit societies, sniffing each other's breath, licking around the face, or simply rubbing faces is still the way to go.

Regardless of what form your kiss takes, it's thought that once a partner has been selected and you are in a relationship, kissing serves to maintain and strengthen the bond between you. So go ahead-kiss fervently with your mouth, sniff each other intensely, or rub noses with abandon. However you go about it, not only will you learn a lot about a mate, it will be sure to get your motor revving.

Want to find out more about what animals can teach us about our relationships? Check out my new book "Wild Connection: What animal mating and courtship tell us about human relationships" ( http://amzn.to/1db82xp ) blends humor and science to show the similarities between humans and animals when it comes to dating and relationships. http://www.jenniferverdolin.com @JVerdolin

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Do We Expect Too Much From a Relationship?

2015-02-23T08:56:00.000-08:00

Do We Expect Too Much From a Relationship?

Do We Expect Too Much From a Relationship?
By Connie H Deutsch

Too many women have been told that they expect the kind of partner they read about in romance novels or see on a movie screen. They've also been told that real relationships aren't like that. And we're not even talking about the guys in romance books who are six feet, four inches, with broad shoulders, perfect abs, and drop dead gorgeous faces and bodies. We're talking about the kind of guy who is wonderful husband material.

I have to differ with the opinions of people who try to sell us on the idea that we want the fiction. not the reality. Good relationships really can mirror the heroes in romance novels and the silver screen; they can have many of the same qualities.

A good guy is still a good guy in a book or on the silver screen. He can still be head over heels in love with his wife and not cheat on her. He can still make her feel desirable and sexy. He can still make her feel that her opinions count and lets her be part of the decision-making of important purchases. And she can still make him feel like he's king of her castle.

Most women aren't looking for Superman, no matter how strong he is. They're more inclined to look for Clark Kent who personifies a loyal, sensitive, good person.

They might drool over the good looks of Superman but they'd rather have Clark Kent, who comes across as dependable all the time, rather than just when an emergency occurs. Superman is always flying off somewhere to battle the bad guys. That can get old very fast. Most women want a man to stick around in the evenings to talk to and snuggle with; they don't want him flying off somewhere.

The interesting thing is that money and good looks are at the bottom of the list. At the top of the list is someone who listens to her. She's not looking for him to solve her problems; she just wants to tell him about them. And she's looking for companionship, someone who enjoys her company and doesn't make it seem like a hardship to spend a quiet evening at home with her or go someplace interesting with her.

There are always crises or arguments that have to be dealt with, both in the movies and in romance novels but, whereas we're usually assured of a happy ending in books and movies, real life can be very different.

Maybe we do want more of the fiction in our relationships but, maybe it's also necessary to have that little bit of romance with it too, to offset the large doses of reality that we have to deal with all the time.

Connie H. Deutsch is an internationally known business consultant and personal advisor who has a keen understanding of human nature and is a natural problem-solver.

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Relationships: Why Do Some People Feel Empty When They Are Not In A Relationship?

2015-02-22T08:55:00.000-08:00

Relationships: Why Do Some People Feel Empty When They Are Not In A Relationship?

Relationships: Why Do Some People Feel Empty When They Are Not In A Relationship?
By Oliver JR Cooper

There are some people who not only feel comfortable in a relationship; they also feel comfortable when they are not in one. This means that their boundaries are strong enough for them to open up and to experience intimacy without losing who they are.

And when they are not in a relationship, their sense of self is going to be strong enough for them to enjoy their own company. However, if one doesn't have a strong sense of self, it is going to be a challenge for them to have a healthy relationship with another person or to enjoy their own company.

What Can Happen

This can then set up one to go from one extreme to the other or they could end up being stuck on one side of the spectrum. On one side, it could mean that one is almost always in a relationship and on the other, it could mean that they end up doing everything they can to avoid them.

Yet, it can all depend on how they feel as to whether they choose one option or another. If, for example, one struggles with the feeling of being abandoned, it could cause them to do everything they can do be with someone. But if they struggle with feeling smothered, it could mean that they avoid being with others.

Emotional Experiences

One could reflect on how they feel and wonder why they feel as they do. Others could also wonder one feels as they do and therefore, behave as they do. And although one's emotional experience is having a negative effect on their life, it doesn't mean that they will be able to just 'let go' and to change how they feel.

There could be times when one feels smothered and times when they feel abandoned, and this is why it is not black and white. The reason one feels this way could be put down to their beliefs and the thoughts in their head, but this isn't going to be the complete truth.

Behaviour

When one does feel this way, it is going to affect their ability to experience intimacy. This is because one is either going to want to enmesh with another or do everything they can to stop another getting too close them.

The first person could be seen as someone who embraces intimacy; especially if they are always in a relationship. And the other person could be seen as someone who fears intimacy.

Illusion

But the need to become one with another person is not intimacy - it is simply a way for them to avoid feeling abandoned. Here, one has regressed to a symbiotic state has merged with the other. One is then boundary-less and this has then means that they are dependent on the other.

Another way of looking at it would be to picture one person as the mother and the other person as their young child. If appearances were put to one side, this is what one would see. It is then not an adult to adult relationship; it is a parent-child relationship.

In A Relationship

When they are in a relationship, it will be possible for them to regulate how they feel. Through being with someone else, one might believe that they have found what they have been looking for their whole life.

And all the time they are in another's company, they might feel whole and as if their life is perfect. But if one was away from the other person, they could soon feel as though something is missing.

Emptiness

How they feel during these moments is likely to remind them of how they feel when they are not in a relationship. When one is in a relationship and is not in the others company, they can end up believing that their emptiness is being caused by the others absence, whereas, when one is not in a relationship, they are not going to have anyone to project their feelings onto and they could end up wondering why they feel as they do or they might have disconnected from how they feel.

It is then going to be important for them to do everything they can to be around the other person. In the beginning, the other person might appreciate the attention, but as time passes, they might soon feel smothered. When one has a fear of being abandoned, they are generally going to attract people who fear being smothered.

Projection

Being with another then takes away the feeling of emptiness, and this is something that one can feel in their chest. And these feelings can end up causing one to experience physical pain.

However, just because one's feeling of emptiness is taken away in the others company, it doesn't mean that one is missing something. What it is likely to mean is that one is projecting their unmet childhood needs onto the other person.

Unmet Childhood Needs

When one feels empty, it can be a sign that they were neglected during their childhood. And because of what happened, one will have ended up being emotionally undeveloped.

One then doesn't need the other person to feel whole, what it comes down to is that one is projecting their unmet childhood needs onto them. One then sees the other person as their caregiver and expects them to give them what they didn't get whilst they were growing up.

The Catalyst

As a result of one's childhood neglect, they can end up carrying a lot of pain and this can then stop them from being able to realise what is actually taking place. The other person is then not only seen as the cause of their pain, they are also seen as the ones who will take it away.

Ultimately, the other person is triggering one's unmet childhood needs and the pain that they experienced through not having these met, and these will need to be grieved. If one was neglected during their childhood and not given the attunement that they need, it is going to be normal for them to feel empty and as though something is missing as an adult.

Awareness

However, in order for one to feel whole, it will be important for them to grieve their unmet childhood needs and to be affirmed. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

They will hold the space and allow one to get in touch with their unmet childhood needs and to grieve them. Through their presence and the positive regard that they offer, one will gradually begin to develop a sense of self.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."

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A Case of Mistaken Identity

2015-02-21T08:54:00.000-08:00

A Case of Mistaken Identity

A Case of Mistaken Identity
By Connie H Deutsch

My mother had the most remarkable memory for faces but she couldn't put them together with the facts. I had the most remarkable memory for facts but I couldn't put them together with faces.

We would go somewhere and she would see a face she recognized and told me where we met the person. I would then tell her everything about the person that we had ever talked about or that I knew about. We did this for years.

One day, we were coming out of a store and my mother recognized someone but we didn't have time to share the details. She was such a charming person that she could call everyone dear, and they would feel flattered. It was her way of telling me she wanted me to fill in the details because she could only recognize the face but nothing else. I was never a charming person and I needed her to tell me where we had seen this woman because I could never get away with calling anyone dear.

On this day, it backfired on us. She and this woman talked like they had known each other for years and so, when this woman suggested we all stop off somewhere for lunch, we said yes.

It was a lovely lunch. In those days, Liberace wasn't too well known and he played to lunch and dinner crowds in his most flamboyant outfits on a white piano. He was great and we were having a wonderful time listening to him and dining in this exclusive restaurant.

After our meal ended, we said goodbye and said that we were so glad we had run into her because it turned out to be such a wonderful day. As we were driving away, I turned to my mother and asked her who this woman was. She looked at me and said, "I have no idea; I thought you knew her."

I said, "Mom, you know I never remember faces" and she said, "But, darling, you were talking to her as if you knew her." I asked her if I had, even once, mentioned her name and, of course, my mother couldn't remember me calling her by anything at all. All she could remember was that we were talking about Liberace and how spectacular he was and how glad she was that we had found this marvelous place for lunch.

A lot of years have come and gone since that day, but every time I think about it, I have to smile. I've always wondered if that woman was driving herself as crazy as we were, wondering who we were.

Connie H. Deutsch is an internationally known business consultant and personal advisor who has a keen understanding of human nature and is a natural problem-solver.

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If Only You Would Get What You Are Doing!

2015-02-20T08:53:00.000-08:00

If Only You Would Get What You Are Doing!

If Only You Would Get What You Are Doing!
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

One of the most common dynamics I see with the couples I work with is that each of them is convinced that if only their partner would see what he or she is doing to cause the relationship problems, their relationship would get so much better. They each see clearly what the other person is doing to cause their problems, but they are generally clueless regarding when they are doing. They truly believe that they are just reacting to the other's unloving behavior instead of understanding that they each brought their own controlling strategies into the relationship.

An example of this is a typical situation that frequently occurs between Gavin and Julie.

Gavin:

"Julie blames me for her feelings all the time. She is constantly trying to get me to see that my harshness and coldness is ruining our relationship. But I don't know what else to do but withdraw when she is attacking me. At first I try to understand her feelings, but when she goes on blaming me, it hurts me and scares me and I just have to shut down to her. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. And she can't seem to understand why I don't feel like making love with her."

Julie:

"When Gavin is cold and harsh, I just feel so awful and scared. I don't think I can go on in this marriage if he continues to be so withdrawn, harsh and parental. When he does talk with me, the tone of his voice is scary to me. I feel like I can't do anything right - that everything is always my fault."

Gavin and Julie both, in different ways, keep trying to get the other to see what they are doing wrong.

Gavin's focus is: "If only you would see that dumping your feelings on me, and yelling at me and blaming me is why I end up being cold, harsh and withdrawn. I don't know what else to do."

Julie's focus is: If only you would see that not being here for me when I need you, and always making me wrong with your coldness and harsh voice is why I end up feeling so upset and angry."

Actually, both are right regarding what the other person is doing, but neither is right that the other person is the cause of their own behavior.

Gavin comes from a controlling mother who constantly guilted him for not being there for her. When Julie does this, it triggers Gavin's learned protective, controlling behavior of getting harsh, cold and parental.

Julie comes from a cold, angry, emotionally unavailable father. When Gavin is cold and parental, she gets triggered into her learned protective, controlling behavior of anger and blame.

Gavin and Julie love each other, but it is likely that their relationship won't survive as long as they are both focused on getting the other person to see what they are doing to cause the problems.

They CAN Heal Their Relationship!

For their relationship to heal and grow, each of them needs to take their eyes off the other and learn to take responsibility for their own feelings and actions. They each need to let go of the false belief that the other person is the cause of their own reactive, controlling behavior. They each need to recognize that they are not victims, and that their fears are not actually of the other person, but of the fact that neither has developed a loving adult inside who knows how to take loving care of themselves when the other person is acting from their wounded self.

If they want to heal, then they each need to practice Inner Bonding and spend time together only when both are open and loving with themselves and each other.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding� healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

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Don't Lose Yourself to Loss

2015-02-19T08:52:00.000-08:00

Don't Lose Yourself to Loss

Don't Lose Yourself to Loss
By Michael Hoare

Many of us view loss in a very limited way. We see it as the end of something, period. Seeing things in such a black and white way, i.e., a beginning and end, right and wrong, shadow and light, is at times helpful. But it can also be limiting and may bring unnecessary pain.

The limiting perspective that may come about from seeing life in this way also brings about a certain amount of expectation. We assume that because it happened a specific way last time it will happen that way again. And when it is different, we might experience disappointment or confusion. Of course, things can happen almost exactly like they did last time, but each year or each time you experience something, be it for the first time or the 10th time, it is different.

Allowing ourselves to know that each experience in life is different than the one before helps keep some of those expectations at bay, thus enabling us to see (or at least be aware) that it can be different this time.

Of course, there are certain circumstances in life that dictate when we take certain actions, we can expect certain results, such as: we buy something, bring it home and we expect it to work; or we ask someone to do something and they do it. And what if that merchandise doesn't work or that person doesn't do what we have asked? Did we have expectations? Yes. Is it all right to have expectations? Of course! So, I want you to use your discretion.

Challenging ourselves to step outside the box and see things from a different perspective will, over time, allow us to have more peace in our lives.

Loss of Relationships

Relationships end. That is just part of life. However, how we receive it and perceive the end of relationships is up to us.

I'm famous for telling my friends and family that "People come into our lives exactly when they are supposed to, and they leave exactly when they're supposed to." When we try to change that scenario, we cause some of the pain we experience in life.

It's hard to let friends come and go, but we must remember that they are growing in different ways than we are. Their journeys sometime take a different turn than our own and, at times, their roads come back to the same road we are on.

Everyone is on their own journey and at times we journey together; some longer than others. Each person comes into our lives to teach us something.

Relationships end in different way. Sometimes we have a choice, and sometimes we don't. Whether we do or don't isn't the question. The question is: what did that relationship teach us?

Everyone we meet in life is a teacher of something. Look past those bodily identifications we blind ourselves with and see the teaching of that person.

Is it humility, compassion, boundaries, faith, love, pride, friendship, respect? What did you learn from your teachers today?

Loss of Jobs

I've lost several jobs, but the one that rocked my boat more than any other was when I left a job that I dearly loved and worked the hardest I ever worked in my life for. I left the job because the company was bought out by another company, and people and things were changing faster than I liked.

But when I left that job, I left behind that identity. I had built that company from zero sales to over 20 million dollars a year in sales in only three years. I was a very successful sales manager. It was a product that I loved and was very passionate about. I basically made it my life for those three years and when I left, all I had was a void, a big hole.

It doesn't really matter that I'm the one who made the decision to leave the job. The point is that the job I identified myself with was gone.

Fortunately, I had others in my life that helped remind me that "when one door closes, another opens" and that there would be other jobs for me.

What I noticed was how quickly I let my passion drive me so deep into the job and how I lost sight of what was my most important part of my life, my spiritual welfare.

Luckily, during that period of my life, almost everything else was going well... at least on the outside. I had a well-paying job that I loved and they loved me. I had purchased my first home. I was able to afford private schooling for my kids. I had a brand new car (the newest Volvo on the market). I was beginning to put together a retirement plan and more. My marriage was showing signs of deterioration, but that had been happening for a while, even before this new job.

What I had put on the back burner was what helped me get where I was: my spiritual life. It was alarming how quickly that was pushed aside and forgotten. But I did forget and, because of that, when I left that job I was lost for a while.

What that looked like was a loss of my confidence at my new job. My honesty wasn't at the standard I was used too (I wasn't putting in the time I said I was putting into my job), I didn't care as much as I did with the other job. This was all understandable, but I also began to get a sense of resentment concerning my old job.

The resentment was what brought me back to my spiritual practice. I wasn't comfortable with having things rattle around my head for long periods of time or having displaced anger come out because of the resentment.

Today, I know the most important aspect of my day is my prayer, meditation and reading. I won't allow anything to get in the way of one or all of those things. That is what anchors me. Everything else is secondary. Now I know that might not work for others, but, believe me, we can all take a few minutes each morning to say "Good Morning" to God or we'll eventually being saying "Good God, it's morning." The choice is ours.

Loss of Loved Ones

Death happens every day. People come into our lives and then they leave. The death of a loved one is surely one of the hardest experiences in life to endure. And we are powerless over it.

We each have our own way and time frame for mourning. So I am not going to speak much on those topics, I will assume you are doing everything you need to do to take care of yourself.

I'd like to share with you some of how death came to me and how my perception evolved into a Bigger Picture.

I happen to have experienced more death than some and not as much as others in my time here, so far.

With each loss, death was different. My first couple of experiences with death included my cousin who died in Viet Nam and, around the same time, my Grandmother, who was the only grandparent I knew. I was about 12 years old.

I didn't know what death was. I was saddened by everyone else's sorrow. I didn't know my cousin well, and my grandmother was an old Irish immigrant who didn't talk much, at least not to me. I believed that they went to heaven and didn't think much more about it.

When my parents died a few years later (I was 15 when Dad died, and six months later when Mom died I was 16), I was somewhat aware they were dying. Both were in the hospital when they died and had been sick for some time before that. So on some level, I knew it was coming. But just the same, I couldn't quite grasp what was happening.

My feelings were numb, except for anger. That is all I felt for a long time. When my parents died, nobody talked about their deaths with me. Even the priest at the funeral was vague... something about how they were good people and that they went to heaven. I was angry and confused because I knew at the end of their lives they were not good people and questioned how God could take them.

Let me back up a little. My parents were good people, but they had the disease of alcoholism that ate away at them in every way. What I had experienced for several years prior to their death was the devastation of their alcoholism. So I was not only angry, but very confused.

A couple of years after that, my best friend died. Once again, anger and numbness were the feelings that emerged. A few years after that, my younger brother passed on and I was able to feel more, and understand more.

At the time of my younger brother's passing, I was a monk. I lived in an ashram and was studying scriptures that talk about the cycle of life and death, reincarnation, our purpose in life, where we were going after life on earth, and how we got there. I was tapped into the Bigger Picture; the Bigger Picture being that life around us is not all there is to life. That Life is much more than going to school, finding a job/career, settling down and having a family, buying the house and summer home, being the best you can, etc. While those things are important, they are not what life is all about. Life was also was about developing my Inner Self. In fact, the outer world was important, but more important was my Inner World... the Kingdom of Heaven within. All the religions teach it: be in this world, but not of it.

By now, my knowledge of death had grown. I had a belief and faith in what life here on earth was for and where we were going to after it.

What a difference that made going forward.

I had several more deaths of close friends and even had a few near death experiences, myself, and then there was the death of my fianc�e.

Having knowledge about life and death, and that you just don't die and then nothing else happens or that you go into a big void was very helpful in the process of grieving for me.

After lots of reading and research I have found that the major religions basically say the same thing about life and death.

That we are here to live life by following the Laws of God (basically, love God, live a moral life and not hurt others, but there is more) and, most importantly, to develop and continually improve our relationship with the God of our understanding.

Each of us deals with loss in a different way. You'll know you're on course when things like death knock on your door. When you know the Bigger Picture of Who you really are, Why you are here, and Where you are going afterward, you'll have that anchor in life. You won't be tossed around when the "storms of life" hit you. They will rock you, but you won't be lost at sea.

Find those teachings that give you your anchor and remember that even those teachings will continue to change and grow as you do.

Michael Hoare, D.D., is an author, minister and certified Angel Therapy Practitioner. He is the author of "Returning to WHOLENESS... Discovering Ah-Man," which chronicles his journey to recovery and redemption and the founding of his spiritual recovery program: Ah-Man. Through a series of retreats and one-on-one counseling sessions, Hoare teaches men and women to embrace the Ah-Man within them by creating a loving relationship with one's self, God and others; openness with other people; a sense of integrity; and the ability to communicate; all by incorporating trust, forgiveness and acceptance, thus allowing them to reach spiritual recovery and wholeness while attaining personal healing. You can find him on http://www.ah-man.com

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Fifty Plus Dating

2015-02-18T08:47:00.001-08:00

Fifty Plus Dating

Fifty Plus Dating
By Linda Thurlow

Fifty plus dating, is, according to the optimistic; forty plus dating, this is because fifty is the new forty, sixty is the new fifty and so on. A New York Times article reported that seventy- nine million baby boomers, which represent about twenty-six percent of the USA's population are redefining what it means to be older. The same can be said for much of the population of the western world.

For example, stigma regarding middle-aged and older people looking for love and companionship is hopefully outdated. Seniors in the main are healthier, hardworking and generally look better than our predecessors. The outlook therefore is brighter.

According to a survey taken in 2003, one of the main reasons why people date is to find someone to talk to, and someone to do things with. Sex is important, sure, but it's not the whole story.

If you are fifty plus and recently divorced, separated or widowed, it may make sense to take a step back and reflect on your life before jumping straight back into a full on relationship. Some of us tend to look for the same type of mate, hoping to create a sense of familiarity, even if the relationship wasn't all that great. For example a friend of mine tended to only date, strong, wealthy, alpha male types, but then, spent the whole time complaining that she was in danger of losing her own identity and, also, being controlled by them. After a brief spell with a counsellor she discovered that her father was a similar type of man. On the one hand his behaviours made her feel safe, secure, and loved, and on the other she felt stifled, suffocated and not in control of her own life. Getting a balance for her meant living on her own for several months, gaining confidence in her own abilities and have positive experiences without having to lean on anyone other than herself. This respite from relationships gave her an altogether different perspective. She now lives with a Yoga teacher, who eats Vegan food, and is always, laid back, mellow and not in the least wealthy.

Dating in middle age equals baggage, you have both had separate adult lives. This means other children, ex-spouses, mothers, sisters, the list can be endless. We need to accept the other person as an autonomous individual. It isn't always possible to enter into things as lightly as you may once have done. So I guess the consequences of dating in middle age can have a ripple effect. It takes courage to get back into the dating game, but you really have nothing to lose if you are savvy and confident. For those of us who aren't, there are dating coaches out there that can help you navigate the whole process.

Putting yourself out there is tough, the best way forward for most of us, is for two strong independent people to get together and just enjoy each other.

Linda Thurlow is a professional writer on many subjects including relationships and dating. In this instance the subject matter is dating over 50 in the UK. and seniors dating

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Intimacy: Can Trapped Grief Stop Someone From Being Able To Experience Intimacy?

2015-02-17T08:51:00.000-08:00

Intimacy: Can Trapped Grief Stop Someone From Being Able To Experience Intimacy?

Intimacy: Can Trapped Grief Stop Someone From Being Able To Experience Intimacy?
By Oliver JR Cooper

While it is relatively easy for someone to share their body with another person, the same can't be said about their heart. This means that although the need is there for someone to share how they feel with another person, it is not something that always feels comfortable.

However, just because someone doesn't feel comfortable with this need, it doesn't mean that it will just disappear. It will always be there and all the time it is not being met, it is going to have an impact on one's life.

That doesn't mean that one will be aware of this need, as they can end up being disconnected from it. In this case, one might not know why they feel as though something is missing.

Sex

When one is out of touch with their feelings or doesn't feel comfortable sharing them, they could end up having sex as a way to experience intimacy. Yet, although one might believe they are being intimate with another, this is nothing more than an illusion.

On one hand, they are close to another person and this means that they can feel connected to them. But on the other, the only thing that they are sharing with the other person is their body and this means they can still feel disconnected.

The Only Option

When one feels as though they are close to the other person, it can cause them to feel as though they are being intimate. If one believes this is the only option they have when it comes to feeling close to another person, they might believe it is better than nothing.

And if one doesn't see this as the only option they have, it could be because they believe that being intimate is the same as having sex. Based on this outlook, intimacy is something that takes place through having sex.

Intimacy

There are then going to be others who see intimacy as something that takes place when they share who they are with another person. Now, this might mean that one shares their body with another person, but at the same time, it might not.

This is because one can be intimate with their friends and family. What is taking place during these moments is that one is sharing how they feel and what is taking place in their reality.

Clothes

Here, one's clothes are being left on, but that doesn't mean that one will end up feeling disconnected. One is sharing what is taking place within them and the other person is allowing this to take place.

This will allow one to feel connected to the other person and as though they are being seen for who they are. So unlike the experience that one has when they have sex to experience intimacy, this is not an illusion, it is the real deal.

Normal

Experiencing intimacy is going to be normal for some people and for others; it will be something that they experience on the odd occasion or this might not happen either. This is naturally going to have a negative impact on their life and they could come to the conclusion that other people are inherently different.

And if they do come to this conclusion, they could soon feel like a victim. Yet, just because other people are experiencing life differently, it doesn't mean that one is missing something. As although one could believe that something 'out there' is stopping them from experiencing intimacy, it could be due to what is taking place within them.

Feeling Safe

In order for one to be able to open up to another, it will be important for them to feel that it is safe for them to do so. If they don't feel safe, it won't be possible for them to open their heart.

There is then how one feels in their body and how they feel in their heart. These two areas have a different function, but they work together. The body is like an older brother who has to look after his younger sister.

An Analogy

This means the older brother is not focused on what is taking place within him; he is purely focused on doing everything he can to make sure it is safe for his younger sister to express herself freely. If the older brother doesn't feel safe, it will stop his younger sister from being able to be herself.

Once her brother feels safe, it will allow his sister to express herself. Just as if his sister is unable to express herself, her brother will not be able to relax. This is because although it is a two-way relationship, the brother (the body) is in control.

The Heart

When one experiences some kind of loss, it will cause them to experience grief. This will be something that they feel in heart and there will also be other feelings in their body.

And as long as one feels safe, it will be possible for them to gradually grieve the loss. But this is not always possible and this can mean that one will end up disconnecting from their pain. Their heart will then begin to close and not only will this keep their pain at bay, it will also keep other people at bay.

Blocked

It is then like one having a phone and taking the battery out; it is then not possible for them to contact others or for others to contact them. In this instance, one knows why this is happening and they can soon put the battery back in.

Yet, when it comes to experiencing intimacy, they might not know why they are not experiencing it. If one was to let another person get close to them, it would trigger all of the pain that has stayed within them from a loss or number of losses.

Conflict

At an intellectual level one might wonder why they are not experiencing intimacy, but if they were to bring their attention into their body, they might soon find out. Or if they were to get close to another, the pain within them could be triggered and this could push them away or they could push the other person away.

One might relate how they feel to a loss that they were unable to grieve in their adulthood. However, it could go back even further and relate to what happened during their childhood. In this case, one might be aware of how they feel in their body, but their mind might find it hard to comprehend why they feel as they do.

Awareness

It is not important if one knows why they feel as they do, what matters is that one is able to grieve and to open their heart once more. As this process takes place, one might start to understand why they feel as they do.

There is also no set time for this; as it is not a linear process. Yet, as time passes, one will gradually start to feel that it is safe to let others in. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group may be needed here.

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Talking to a Brick Wall

2015-02-16T08:50:00.000-08:00

Talking to a Brick Wall

Talking to a Brick Wall
By Connie H Deutsch

Did you ever feel that you were talking to a brick wall? Recently, I've been watching this in action with a mother. I keep hearing her say the same things over and over to her child and she thinks it's penetrating. But, it's not. It only looks like it is.

"Do you want to grow up to be like your father?" The implication is clear. His father is lazy, lacks ambition, isn't too smart, does the barest amount of work, if that much, and lives on a shoestring because he doesn't want to work. Grow up to be like him? No, of course not. But what are you doing to change the trajectory of your life?

Every day, she comes home from work to find him watching NetFlix. He does the barest amount of homework during school hours, gets B's and C's, barely, when he's smart enough to get all A's, and doesn't move a muscle to help around the house unless she gives him specific chores to do. Simple chores. Empty the garbage. When you see the garbage can getting full, empty it. That has to be told to him? Over and over?

If you're hungry, start dinner so we'll be ready to eat when I get home from doing backbreaking work all day. Again, that has to be told to him? The apartment needs to be vacuumed. He can't take a vacuum to the small floors and vacuum, mostly his crap? No, when she gets home from having worked at a backbreaking job all day, she's the one who has to clean the house, his dinner dishes included, while he goes into his bedroom to watch more Netflix.

She's always complaining of never having the money to buy anything for herself because she's always putting his needs first. The other day, I committed heresy. I told her that in a few months, he'll be of age to be considered an adult and she ought to start treating him like one or he will grow up to be just like his father.

I told her that if he has so much spare time on his hands, he needs to get a part-time job and contribute money to the household. She thought about it and then told me what she was going to say to him when she got home that night. I listened carefully and then told her that she wasn't saying a darn thing that was any different from what she had been telling him for almost sixteen years.

At least as a starting point, you don't say to your kid, "Things are going to be different around here." He's heard that all his life. No, when you get home, just give him a list of chores that have to be done.

"Billy, vacuum the apartment while I'm starting supper." If he reaches for the refrigerator without vacuuming the apartment... "No, Billy, That's my food that I paid for. You want food? Vacuum the apartment or pay me for the food you want to eat." Treat him like the adult he is and little by little, he'll become the adult you want him to be. Continue to treat him like a spoiled child with entitlement issues, and he'll grow up to be exactly like his father.

Connie H. Deutsch is an internationally known business consultant and personal advisor who has a keen understanding of human nature and is a natural problem-solver.

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After Your Gift Has Been Delivered

2015-02-15T08:49:00.000-08:00

After Your Gift Has Been Delivered

After Your Gift Has Been Delivered
By Connie H Deutsch

There has been so much in the news about the advances made in robotic science, that it gives one pause to question whether one should hold onto old emotional prejudices.

We see robots being taught to do complex things like solving Rubik's Cube in a matter of seconds. We see them being taught to use their powers of observation to make emotional decisions. It is no longer a matter of watching a robot vacuuming your house or bringing you a drink or turning on your oven to start your dinner before you get home from work. Now, they are being taught to think and to build other robots just like themselves.

About six months ago, we saw a clip of a car driving itself down the Autobahn, the most dangerous 8,000 mile network in Germany where the human driver of the car climbed over the back seat to test the robotic safety system of the Infiniti Q50 to see how active the Active Lane Control feature really is, but there was no clip to show us that this robotic feature had any emotions while taking over the functions of a human driver.

I was just about getting ready to set aside my human panic attack at seeing some of these daredevil stunts done by robots when a very human thought occurred to me.

This had nothing to do with the kinds of extraordinary things that today's robots are being taught. One of those things that robots are being taught is to sit in front of a TV and watch the way humans act, how they emote, how they interact with other humans, etc. In fact, they are being taught, by watching TV, how to think and how to behave just like us.

No, this thought that roams around in my head has nothing to do with that. It has to do with the human emotion of gift giving. When you don't live near enough to your friend or relative to give him or her a birthday present or a Christmas present, the best you can do is talk to each other on the phone or see each other on Skype. But that doesn't really do it for most of us.

There's no robot that can tap into my excitement when a family member sends me an unusual gift. We have a tradition of opening our gifts by phone.

When my birthday rolls around, I don't want to look at the clock and see that it's after midnight, so it's all right to open my gifts because it's legitimately my birthday. No, I want to open my gift with my family member on the other end of the phone so that our real reactions to the gift comes through the wires. A robot will never be able to take the place of someone I love.

And, if I send a gift, do I really want a robot to thank me for it? No, I do not. If I send someone flowers, I want to hear the person's voice on the other end of the phone telling me what the flowers look like and if they have a nice fragrance or whether the arrangement looks like the picture of it that I saw online.

I don't want a robot thanking me for the flowers I sent; I want to share the emotions that went with selecting the gift for someone special. I want to feel that excitement, and no robot can replace that emotion for me.

Connie H. Deutsch is an internationally known business consultant and personal advisor who has a keen understanding of human nature and is a natural problem-solver.

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Into the Hands of Fate - When There's No Easy Way Out

2015-02-14T08:48:00.000-08:00

Into the Hands of Fate - When There's No Easy Way Out

Into the Hands of Fate - When There's No Easy Way Out
By Alexa Keating

He first noticed her entering the elevator; just noticed her for some reason. He began seeing her leaving his building several times during the week. Their eyes met in a casual, friendly kind of way. Finally, he approached her; "Are you a new arrival in our building?" She seemed surprised, "Heavens no, I've worked here for years!" He was surprised, why was he suddenly noticing her? "Have you ever seen me in this building?" She laughed, "I only noticed you in the elevator a few days ago to be honest, are you new here?" He had been working in the building for 19 years; how odd he thought.

He was surprised that the stranger seemed to be occupying his mind lately. His marriage was indestructible - everyone said so; he considered it to be the most solid part of his life. "Married for twenty years and still acting like newlyweds", that's what all their friends said; it was how he felt! His favorite part of the day was arriving home and seeing his children run to meet his car. They hung onto him all the way to the door, where he was always met with a kiss by Lisa. Leo was a lucky man!

He noticed that Lisa was wearing sweat pants; just noticed, that's all. She looked good in everything to Leo. Looking back, he remembered thinking that this is where it all began, the unraveling of his life. Such a simple thing, the sweat pants, meaningless really, yet he remembered that night when his friends asked him what happened. It seemed like nearly every day after that he began noticing some simple little thing about Lisa that made him see her in a different light. He wondered what the hell had happened.

Carla was her name, the woman in the elevator that he kept bumping into. The next day, when they ran into each other again, they laughed together. By the end of the week, they began learning more about each other. She was married with two children, happily she said. He told her about Lisa. Carla and Lisa couldn't be more different. Carla had always worked in management; she had a confident walk, dressed for success and seemed very businesslike. Lisa loved the outdoors, gardening and was a terrific stay at home Mom; exactly the kind of woman he wanted.

Soon he was having lunch with Carla in the cafeteria, then occasional dinners. They had a lot in common; enjoying so many of the same interests it was eerie. He found himself lying to Lisa, knowing she would never understand. How could she? He did not understand his fascination with Carla. Faster than he could ever have imagined, they were in bed together. Then weekends together that progressed to an imaginary week long business trip where they both admitted they could not stay with their spouses. Leo had no idea what had happened, or how things had changed so rapidly. He only knew how he felt inside. He was elated and miserable at the same time. His perfect life was tattered and torn into pieces; part of him was miserable, the other more excited than he had been in years.

He looked in the mirror and hated his own reflection. He was a liar and a cheat. He looked into his children's eyes knowing he had violated everything he had taught them; he felt like a fraud, he was a fraud. He could no longer look into Lisa's eyes. Some things are worth fighting for; he always believed his marriage was. Some feelings will never die; like those he had for Carla. He felt like fate had caught up with him; the beautiful life he had taken for granted for so many years was a mockery that taunted him now. He had to tell Lisa; at least he could resolve the liar issue which was deeply troubling to him.

Leo moved into an efficiency apartment the next day. Telling Lisa and facing his children had been the most difficult time in his life. Odd, Carla was also going through the same issues in her own marriage; but this time they were not comfortable sharing the stories. There is something deeply private about your life shattering into pieces; some strange sense of loyalty to all that life had been before it fell apart. He felt like a prisoner to his feelings; he wondered if giving in had been wrong.

The process of unraveling his life was like an endless road; like shedding his own skin. It was painful; he realized how much of himself he had lost while he was entwined in their long relationship. It was over now; there was no shortcut home even if he had wanted to ask for a second chance. Lisa had a new boyfriend. Carla was trying to work things out with her husband and family. Leo was left wondering how it all had happened, why they had suddenly noticed each other and what had happened to his perfect life. Whatever it was, there is no easy way out; there never is. He knew one thing for sure now; think long and hard before you destroy something important in your life. Nothing is indestructible.

To learn more about this author and her available books please visit http://www.arkconnect.com.

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Love Doesn't Live Here Anymore - There's No Reason to Stay

2015-02-13T08:46:00.000-08:00

Love Doesn't Live Here Anymore - There's No Reason to Stay

Love Doesn't Live Here Anymore - There's No Reason to Stay
By Alexa Keating

Strange how something so life-altering comes stealing in like fog that rolls in and grows denser until it obscures the landscape; you wake up one day and it feels like a stranger is in your bed. Gone is the thrill of seeing their face, of robbing one more minute of time from the day to cuddle or of a shared yawn. Gone; what happened, where did the road turn, taking you to this strange place?

Barring some major event that you can't ignore, when relationships end the norm is that you just drift apart, barely noticing when it really ended. When did you stop paying attention, or realize you had less and less to talk about? When did you stop wondering why it can't be like it was before? About the time these thoughts become your reality, you mentally left with your heart in your hands; safe from any further breakage. Maybe you didn't say so; it's like a ballgame that should be over, called by run rules. Too far gone to make a comeback and win. You keep playing the game because you started playing on a team and it's all you know how to do; but not because your heart is in it.

If you stay long enough, even the pain is obliterated. Like a storm with winds blowing sand across the hills and valleys of what used to be, the tears, the fears and the resignation, all covered by the sands of time. And still, you stay. It's hard to change, to put an end to your plans. It's like having a relationship that is on a ventilator. Could it be saved if you just gave it more time? If you disconnect it, are you killing something precious? Over and over these thoughts roll across your mind; still, you know it is too late to save, too much damage has occurred. It takes courage to acknowledge this, and leaving is such a chore.

These emotions are all human, many fueled by the picture we painted in our mind. To really fall in love with another person requires a great deal of vision, imagination, faith in what can only be dreamed of and the willingness to trust. It is not easy to paint over all those glorious colors and images that we worked so hard to put on the canvas of our relationship. You don't have to hurry; you may have a lifetime to decide. But everyone loses when you both refuse to read the handwriting that is clearly written across the canvas.

There is an imaginary game some people play; it's called "I am staying because it would break their heart if I leave." You're kidding yourself; don't imagine that your partner has not noticed that you are absent in the relationship. People fight change; it's a little frightening. We image that we are safer in the place we know than the alternative that is unknown and strange to us.

If you are out of a relationship, own up to it. Freedom for both of you to begin again and build the best that can be in your lives is a single honest conversation away. It requires something that is difficult for humans, not so much for animals. You have to disconnect from emotion, delusion and denial. Logic rules when you are making life altering changes. Use the head on your shoulders to arrive at a logical conclusion. Oddly, the heart rarely leads us astray. It knows what it feels; its judgment is impeccable. Our hearts ability to correctly identify what is before it is obscured by the fog of denial and delusion. We're the masters of illusion when we play this game.

When it's time to close the door, do it without drama, chaos or confusion. Choose a simple straightforward approach without recriminations or the need to make the decision anyone's fault. This allows you to exit intact. There is no way to see what can be until you stop looking back. Your response to everything that happens in your life is the only control you will ever have; this is absolute. Make your response one that allows you to leave without a collision. You write the story; make the ending one that is memorable and that leaves you unbroken and proud of your efforts.

To learn more about this author and her available books please visit http://www.arkconnect.com.

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Valentine's Day, Love, Sex, Submission, Self-Awareness and Intimate Relationships

2015-02-12T08:43:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day, Love, Sex, Submission, Self-Awareness and Intimate Relationships

Valentine's Day, Love, Sex, Submission, Self-Awareness and Intimate Relationships
By Doron Gil, Ph.D.

On Valentine's Day, 14th February, the Holland's newspaper "de Volkskrant" has published a Skype interview with Jacky St. James, a successful porno writer and director. In it she spoke about the film "Fifty Shades of Grey". According to St. James, the relationship between "Mr. Grey" and Anastasia Steele is one which intends to always satisfy and give pleasure to him. This is old-fashioned, she says, the man "who doesn't want her enough; she who is driven by the need to be kept by him. It suggests", Jacky St. James continues, "that women's worth is dependent on the love of the man".

St. James doesn't like the message of "Fifty Shades of Grey". Bdsm-relationships, she says (which stand for: bondage & discipline [bd]; dominance & submission [ds]; and sadism & masochism [sm]) should NOT be one in which the man is domineering and the woman submitting. Rather, it needs to be one in which both the man and the woman want to engage, not one which the woman agrees to in order to please the man.

Unfortunately, there are many - both men and women - who tend to satisfy their partner in order to be loved, be "kept" and stay together. There are many who don't have the courage to express what they want and don't want (in sex); what they want and don't want in the relationship. There are many who do whatever they can in order in order to have a partner; to not be alone; to have their needs of love fulfilled - at the expense of giving up on their own will; desire; self-worth.

Giving yourself to your partner, submitting yourself and letting your partner control you and make all decisions may sound, on the surface, nice, compromising, and accepting. But in the long run such an attitude might come back to haunt you and might harm your relationships.

Becoming a victim within the relationship - which at first you might think is a good way to behave, showing so much love and acceptance - might end up sabotaging you and the relationship. Slowly but surely such a behavior might cause you disappointment, bitterness, anger and disillusion.

Your initial intentions when first beginning a relationship might be good ones; but your submission behaviors might be counterproductive. If you find yourself in similar relationships time and again, it might mean - there is something which drives you to behave that way, and as long as you don't find out what this "something" is and take the steps to change, you will continue falling into relationships which are not healthy for you.

Looking inside yourself and contemplating about whatever it is that drives you to behave in ways which eventually sabotage the relationship, you might find out that you are too dependent on love; too needy; too insecure; too fearful of being alone. Looking inside and being honest with yourself you might begin to understand the reasons for your needs and insecurity: be it the home in which you grew up; the unconscious competition you might have had with one of your siblings; your parents' control over you, and many more reasons, unique to you.

If you truly want to find out what drives you to fall into relationships which are no good for you and how to change, looking inside means: you begin to develop your Self-Awareness - becoming aware of whatever it is that controls your needs, feelings, attitudes and behaviors. Becoming aware of how you shoot yourself in the foot in relationships.

It is when you develop Self-Awareness that you can stand on your two feet and approach partners and relationships with a sense of empowerment. The Journey to Self-Awareness is a journey in which you grow up, get to know and understand things about yourself you haven't known until now, acknowledge and accept things you might have tended to ignore and deny.

The journey to Self-Awareness is therefore a process which frees you from unhealthy emotional and behavioural patterns, one which paves the way for you to find a partner with whom to develop a successful intimacy.

Doron Gil, Ph.D., is a university teacher, workshop leader, counsellor and consultant. In his book: "The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship Dr. Gil shows the importance of self-awareness to building a successful intimacy: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Awareness-Guide-Successful-Intimate-Relationship/dp/143925141X/

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Top Tips to Build Relationships in Organizations

2015-02-11T08:42:00.000-08:00

Top Tips to Build Relationships in Organizations

Top Tips to Build Relationships in Organizations
By Rahul Shariff

Activity to build relationships with others

Take a moment and think about a leader in your organization whom you would consider best in maximizing relationships. How do you describe such a leader? Some descriptions that may immediately come to mind are trustworthy, empathy, concerned for others, understanding, building employee commitment and engagement and motivating.

Leaders and their subordinates or employees need to build a trusting and positive relationship so that they are able to achieve the objectives of the organization effortlessly. It is always best to build relationship before conflict occurs as this enables you to solve problems in an effective manner.

Activities that can help build relationships with others

Survival scenarios - Give the team a survival scenario (like a plane crash or getting lost in the desert) where they have to communicate and help each other to survive. This activity will test the ability of each individual to communicate with the group so that they are able to survive.

Mine field - This is an ideal activity if you have a large room. You can set up a mine field using objects found in the office (chairs, boxes, files or any other objects) that can cause an obstacle. Divide the team into pairs. It is a perfect opportunity to team individuals having issues with each other so that they are able to work with each other as partners and overcome the obstacles.

Improving communication with drawing activity - In this exercise you can divide the team into a group of two and make them sit with their back to each other. You can give one member a paper and pencil and the other member a picture. The person with the picture can give instructions to the person with the paper and pen. After they have completed the exercise, it can be used to interpret the ability to communicate and understand in an effective manner.

Depending on the team size and industry, you can choose from hundreds of activities that help strengthen and maximize relationships. You do not have to spend a lot of time and energy to plan events that can bond the team. All that you need to do is to create opportunities that enable everyone to interact. Ensure that any activity that you plan is not competitive as you do not want them to work against each other but with each other.

Activities that help build relationships with others can be a powerful way to develop strengths and address weaknesses. It can be used to unite a group and improve the problem solving abilities of the team. You need to remember that these activities need to be an ongoing process instead of a couple of such events each year.

It is important that the activities are planned with a proper goal in mind; otherwise they may be a waste of time and effort. If they are planned and carried out in a strategic manner they can become part of the corporate culture. When individuals and teams start collaborating with each other it can help in maximizing relationships easily.

If you need more information about building relationships in organizations, you can choose to visit the link provided http://www.moneycrashers.com/business-relationship-building-skills/.

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Stray Thoughts on Desire and Lust

2015-02-10T08:41:00.000-08:00

Stray Thoughts on Desire and Lust

Stray Thoughts on Desire and Lust
By Madan G Singh

In college, I read Ovid the classical Roman poet and his concept of 'gaze'. It is a word that is the beginning of all feelings. Ovid related this word to women. Gaze is the first step to desire, love and even rape. When a man gazes at a woman it kindles these emotions and actions. Desire to women is the emotion that runs the world. Many people for the sake of argument will not accept it, but desire is the emotion that leads to sex, love and other aspects of a man's relationship with a woman.

Desire

One of my priest friends told me that 'desire' is a bad word and against the concept of god. I wonder what he had in mind by this statement. Without desire there would be no sex and by a long shot it could affect further procreation. Desire is something ingrained in man and I feel it is best to recognize that want for a woman really is the cornerstone of human emotion.

Women and Desire

What do women feel about desire? I am afraid many will not admit it, but if a woman is not desired, she would feel pretty bad about it. A women who nobody desires, is looked down upon. She also feels neglected, yet a few women who articulate that desire is not good. Yes, desire leads to other things like obsession, fetish, rape and abduction. All these relate to desire. Desire is omnipresent in a man's psyche and it is best to accept. I do recollect that desire is a temptation and Oscar Wilde said " the best way to conquer temptation is to give way to it" or words to that effect.

Lust

Desire and lust go hand in hand. You can't have lust without desire. Lusting is not a good word, and religion frowns on it. There are umpteen passages in the scriptures that admonish a man against lusting for a woman. But again without lust, how would we have all the great romances that exist today. One can't forget that emperor Jahangir, the great Mogul got the husband of the woman he lusted for killed and made her his queen and named her 'Noor Jahan'. He loved her passionately.

Last Word

These are just a few stray thoughts on the word 'desire'. I think my priest friend was wrong, for in my view desire is a lovely word and it's wonderful to desire a woman. Acharya Rajneesh said there is nothing wrong even in lusting for a woman. How many will agree with it? I dare say that many will not agree, and I won't contest them here. After all one mans meat is another's poison.

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Dating Tips For Women - Get Them Straight From Your Experienced Friends

2015-02-09T08:40:00.000-08:00

Dating Tips For Women - Get Them Straight From Your Experienced Friends

Dating Tips For Women - Get Them Straight From Your Experienced Friends
By Courtney Y Johnson

Are you still looking for the right man to bring you down the aisle in the near future? Have you been dating for a long time now and still haven't found the man of your dreams? Don't give up just yet.

Perhaps your dating techniques aren't helpful enough. Maybe you've already met your own Prince Charming but you were just too hesitant that he gave up or you were too easy in accepting strangers that he feared being committed so soon.

You see, there are so many implications of your behavior while dating. Men, just like women, are observing their partner's character through the actions and emotions they display during the dating stage. From the moment he sees you walking in through the restaurant to the way you smile, you sit, you talk, you order, and everything you do after you first date.

While there are many dating tips for women you can find on the Internet these days, dating experts highly recommend genuine tips from those people close to you who have been there such as your best girl friends.

For one, learning by experience provides you practical know how's on going about it, particularly if it's your first time.

Secondly, your friends who have been there will give you valuable insights on things that men look for in women. Whether it's your first time or not, keep yourself calm. Try to relax and be just yourself. While you wanted to look perfect, don't forget to show the real you because that's what real men are looking for.

Thirdly, your experienced girlfriends will definitely give you pointers on how to spot a loser. You can do this by choosing the right activities during your first date. Your activities should focus more on knowing the other person.

Fourthly, the experience of your friends will also help you know the do's and don'ts in dating. Here are some:

1. Dress properly to impress. Wear attractive but comfortable clothes. Style your hair neatly. Put on just a simple make up.

2. Don't talk too much about yourself. Sharing your whole life story the first time you meet usually ruins everything.

3. Do not drink too much or you might lose control.

4. Honesty is the best policy. If you look forward to building relationship with this guy, be honest no matter what.

5. Be courteous not only towards your date but even to those around you. After all, the character of a person is best seen by the way he or she treats others.

6. Be patient. No matter how amazing your date was, play hard to get. Wait for him to do the first move. If he doesn't call or text you after 2 weeks, then it simply means he doesn't deserve you.

7. Move on. Keep on dating. After all, every woman is born with her own Prince Charming!

For women looking for tips and advice on dating, visit the website http://www.Dateandsimple.com

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How to Save Your Most Valuable Relationship

2015-02-08T09:53:00.000-08:00

How to Save Your Most Valuable Relationship

How to Save Your Most Valuable Relationship
By Rahul Shariff

Do you have problems in your relationship? Do you really care about it? Do you want to save it? Most individuals encounter some problem in their relationship at some point of time but if the problem continues unabated, you will need to look at it and try to find an amicable and lasting solution. So how do you save your relationship?

Relationships are precious and if you are really intent to save it from disaster there are many simple steps that will help you win back the love of your life. Here are some simple tips in how to save your relationship.

Most relationships start going downhill as we fail to communicate our thoughts and opinions with our loved ones. So first and foremost, you will need to open the channel of communication. It is one of the most effective ways to save a relationship from failing. However do remember to be kind and courteous while you communicate and avoid hurtful remarks and references.
All of us tend to be charming and try to woo the loved one during the initial stages of a relationship but after we get over this phase we tend to take things for granted. Dress well and make the effort to create the magic again in your relationship.
Learn to express your feelings. Everyone admires an individual who is open, frank and honest. There are various ways to compliment and express your admiration for your loved one.
Keep the excitement alive by surprising each other. For instance you can organize a surprise party for her/his friends or get her/him something they love.
It is very common to commit mistakes in a relationship. Accept your mistake and apologize genuinely. Most people tend to forgive past mistakes if the apology and repentance is genuine.
Give each other space and let them do the things they love. Most people tend to interfere a lot in each other's decisions and life in general and this can cause a lot of frustration.
Try and seek help if both of you are keen to save the relationship. You can seek the help of a counselor who will be able to identify the problems and offer simple solutions.
Most of us tend to have hectic lifestyles and do not devote time and attention to the person we love. No relationship can survive if it is not nurtured and cared. It would be advisable to devote some time to things that you loved doing earlier.
Do not be possessive and jealous as you will only stifle the relationship by displaying such emotions. Build trust and explore new horizons together or as separate individuals.
Listen to your partner. There are many verbal and non verbal cues that we tend to miss when we do not listen in an attentive manner to what our partner is saying.

These simple tips on how to save your relationship will help you rebuild it and live happily.

Visit http://thecoupleconnection.net/ to learn more about how to save your valuable relationship.

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Can Toxic Shame Make Someone Feel Unlovable?

2015-02-07T09:52:00.000-08:00

Relationships: Can Toxic Shame Make Someone Feel Unlovable?

Relationships: Can Toxic Shame Make Someone Feel Unlovable?
By Oliver JR Cooper

Human beings are interdependent and this means that relationships are a vital part of their ability to survive and to thrive. And while they need to have relationships with others, they also need to be in relationships that are fulfilling.

For instance, one could be in a relationship and have a certain need met or a number of needs, but it doesn't mean that it is enhancing their life. They could be in a situation where they are better off by themselves and away from the person they are currently with.

Abuse

Here, one would be in a relationship that is mildly or even extremely abusive. Their foot is then in the door so to speak, but once they are in the house, they end up feeling even worse than they did before they came in.

And even though this relationship is not healthy and this could be one of many that one is in, it doesn't mean they can just leave. They could find themselves in a position where they are unable to walk away. It then doesn't matter how unfulfilling it is or how abusive the person is, as the relationship continues.

Value

If one is in this position, it would be normal to say that they clearly don't value themselves. This means that they don't just have an external problem; they also have an inner problem. For if they did end the relationship and walk away, there is a strong chance that they will walk into another relationship that is just as bad.

This might not be the case and something might have changed within them, but this is not something that always happens. This is because if one is still the same on the inside and they don't value themselves, then the people they are attracted to will be the same.

A Reflection

From the outside, how another person is being treated might looking shocking and be seen as something that needs to stop. However, if one treats themselves like this on the inside, then it is not going to stand out.

How another person is treating them is therefore normal and no worse than they treat themselves. But this doesn't always stand out, as it is not always easy to notice how one treats themselves.

Another Option

One might not even be in a relationship, but the desire to be in a loving relationship is not something that is likely to disappear. It might be something that one ignores and does their best to push out of their awareness from time to time, but it is still going to be there.

They may have a pattern of attracting people who are abusive or who are unable to treat with them respect, appreciation and kindness. It is then not so much that attracting people is something they struggle with, what is the problem is attracting someone who values them.

Inner Experience

On the inside, one might wonder why any would want to be with them or if another person would ever love them. One can then end up feeling like a victim and that they have no control.

Or one might be out of touch with what is going on within them and channel their frustration towards other people. Other people are then seen as the problem and the reason why one is not in a relationship where they are being treated in the right way.

Not Enough

So if one believes it is not possible for other people to love them or even if they blame other people for what is taking place, it can cause them to come to the conclusion that they need to be more. What this means is that one can become obsessed with self-development.

As who they are is not enough, one can end up believing that they need to be more and that they need to develop themselves. And once they do this, they will finally be enough and that will make them lovable.

Outlook

While there is nothing wrong with working on oneself, if one believes they are not enough to begin with, this outlook is only going to lead to more problems. Even if one does attract someone who responds in a certain way towards them, one can still feel as though it is for what they do and not for who they are.

And through trying to be more, one is simply reinforcing their outlook that they are not lovable as they are. So while it might seem as though one can either get caught up in how they feel or avoid how they feel, there is another option.

Toxic Shame

The other option is to look at and deal with why one feels unlovable to begin with. And one reason why one can feel unlovable is because they're carrying toxic shame. This is something that is going to make one feel as though they are less-than human.

They can feel as though they are deeply flawed, and one won't feel bad from time to time, they are bad. So if this is how one sees themselves, feeling unlovable is perfectly normal.

The Cause

This could relate to what happened during ones childhood years and these early experiences may have continued throughout ones adult years. During these early years, one may have been physically and verbally abused, and/or they may have been neglected.

And as these emotional experiences of the past have remained within them, their view of themselves has stayed the same. One may find that they these early experiences are re-created by the people they come into contact with.

Awareness

The emotional experiences of the past that have remained trapped within one's body will need to be faced and released. This is something that can be done with the assistance of a therapist or a healer

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Blessed to Be a Blessing, Cursed to Be a Curse

2015-02-06T09:51:00.000-08:00

Blessed to Be a Blessing, Cursed to Be a Curse

Blessed to Be a Blessing, Cursed to Be a Curse
By Steve Wickham

You can be an Atheist all you really like,
But will that help you to be kind?
Will you be blessed in being a blessing,
Or are you relationally blind?

Those who hate God,
Find it hard to love,
They cannot see benefit in blessing,
They can't see how love's from above.

Hurt people hurt people,
Cursing procures cursing,
If only we can see with our own two eyes,
Love's the matter of heavenly rehearsing.

***

Blessing and cursing are matters of life and death. When we choose to cut someone off, or turn a blind eye upon someone who could do with our help, we choose what is not only not good for them, but it's no good for us, either. We are bringers of death. But when we do something that costs us nothing apart from bending our back a little both of us receive something of kindness. We are bringers of life.

Kindness costs nothing in the overall scheme of things; it delivers inherent benefit:

"... be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ has forgiven you."
Ephesians 4:32 (NRSV)

The key to wisdom in life is kindness; to find it within ourselves to forgive a human being for being a human being.

Whenever we connect that the Christian faith is all about blessing others, we finally understand that the Christian faith - properly practiced - is the way to a pleasant life where anger, greed, lust, and pride need not reign anymore.

The Christian faith is centrally about the teachings of Jesus regarding how we are to relate with our world. It is never acceptable for a Christian to hate other people, or to be inconsiderate and disrespectful. And as soon as the Christian applies what Jesus teaches they are blessed in being the blessing that God wills them to be. They are happy and content; joy and peace are theirs; they have achieved the objective, which is to put others first so God can bless them in being a blessing.

It's appropriate to feel good when we have blessed someone, but we are to leave it at that; to just enjoy the feeling and not talk about it.

What is the point of walking around angry all the time? What is the point in never being happy because our goalposts keep moving; because we never have quite enough money? What is the point in striving for position, because sooner or later we will end up disappointed?

Why do we choose a moment's death instead of a moment's life?

The Christian life is the best life because we strive to be a blessing. Being a blessing produces joyous happiness. But the angry life is a dead end; it harms others and it harms us.

� 2014 S. J. Wickham.

Steve Wickham is a Baptist pastor who holds Degrees in Science, Divinity, and Counselling. Steve writes at: http://epitemnein-epitomic.blogspot.com.au/ and http://tribework.blogspot.com.au/

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Do Some People's Childhoods Set Them Up To Believe That People Can't Be Trusted?

2015-02-05T09:50:00.000-08:00

Relationships: Do Some People's Childhoods Set Them Up To Believe That People Can't Be Trusted?

Relationships: Do Some People's Childhoods Set Them Up To Believe That People Can't Be Trusted?
By Oliver JR Cooper

It is important for human beings to work together, and this is because they're interdependent; they need each other. So when they're able to put their differences to one side and to find a common ground, their own lives are going to be a lot easier.

This doesn't mean that everyone needs to get along; this is not something that is likely to happen and it is not something that needs to happen either. But just because someone doesn't get along with someone else, it doesn't mean that they have to cause them harm.

One can just accept their differences or the fact they don't have a connection, and carry on with their life. It might not even get this far and one might not even open up a dialogue with the other person.

There is then going to the people that one will never come into contact with on this planet. One will never know what would happen if they did come into contact with them and it will always remain a mystery.

A Strong Connection

However, when one is close to another person it is likely to be built on mutual trust. And while there will be other elements involved, trust will be one of the most important things.

This is something that will form a certain outlook for each person and it will allow them to settle down, and to feel more at ease in each other's company. When one is with the other person they will be able to open up and when they are not in their company, one will know that what was said is in safe hands.

The Type Of Relationship

When it comes to the trust that one has in their relationship with a friend, it is going to be different to the trust that they experience in an intimate relationship. The expectations are going to be different and this is because there is a different type of connection involved.

For example: what a friend does with a member of the opposite sex or the gender they're attracted to is not something one is generally going to worry about; unless it involves the person that they're with.

Expectations

So the expectations that one has will all depend on the type of relationship and what trust means to them. Either way, one is going to want to be able to open up and to tell someone something, without having to worry about whether the other person is going to tell someone else.

Each experience that one has will then re-enforce their belief in the other person's trustworthiness. If another person lets them down, it might be dismissed and just seen as being a one-off. It can all depend on what takes place, or how sever it is.

Normal

What this comes down to, is that there are going to be some people who're able to trust others and this is what is normal, and then there are going to be other people who are unable to trust others and this is also what is normal. As a result of this, each person is going to have expectations that are radically different and their experience on this planet is going to be different.

The person who can trust others might have friends who let them down from time to time, but for the person who can't, they might have friends who're always letting them down. In fact, they might find it hard to let people into their life and while they might have friends, they might not be very close to them.

Suspicious

Other people are then not seen as trustworthy, they are viewed with suspicion. It might not matter what they do, as one could always have the same outlook. Their previous experiences with people might have made it hard for them to see that people can be trusted.

Not trusting other's is then a way for them to protect themselves and to stop other people from taking advantage of them. As their inner outlook is that people can't be trusted, their outer reality is going to validate this perspective.

Staying Safe

One is then in a position where trusting others is not safe and if one was independent, it wouldn't matter. But as one is interdependent, this is going to have a negative affect on their life.

However, all the time one continues to have experiences where other people let them down and these experiences will re-enforce their inner outlook, it is going to be a challenge for one to break the cycle. To see that while not everyone can be trusted, it doesn't mean that this applies to everyone on the planet.

Predisposed

It could be said that one's adult experiences are the reason why one can't trust other people. Based on this outlook, it will be important for one to question the beliefs that these experiences have created and to create new ones.

But there is also the chance that these adult experiences are just a reflection of what happened during their childhood years. What happened during this time caused them to believe that people couldn't be trusted.

Childhood

The kind of attachment that one forms with their primary caregiver will often define what their relationships are like as an adult. And a vital part of this attachment is trust. As a baby and then as a child, one would have needed their caregiver to be there for them on a consistent basis and to protect them from harm.

But while this is what one would have needed, it doesn't mean this is what they experienced. This could have been a time where one experienced abuse and their needs were ignored.

Inner Model

These early experiences would have created ones inner model of what people are like and one has then continued to re-create these early experiences in their adult life. During these moments, one would have experienced certain feelings and they would have created certain beliefs.

Awareness

One could change the beliefs and that might be enough, but they might also need to process their feelings. This will involve facing the feelings that have remained trapped in one's body for all these years and releasing them. And with the assistance of a therapist or a healer, these can be released.

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Is Grieving Unmet Childhood Needs An Important Part Of Having Healthy Relationships?

2015-02-04T09:46:00.000-08:00

Relationships: Is Grieving Unmet Childhood Needs An Important Part Of Having Healthy Relationships?

Relationships: Is Grieving Unmet Childhood Needs An Important Part Of Having Healthy Relationships?
By Oliver JR Cooper

While one can have the need to experience relationships that are fulfilling and life affirming, it doesn't mean that this is what takes place. Instead, one can end up in relationships that are not only unfulfilling, they could also be extremely abusive.

And if this was an area of life that had little, if any, significance, it wouldn't matter what ones relationships were like. But as relationships are the bedrock of one's life, this is not an area that they can simply overlook.

This doesn't mean that one will always face their relationships challenges head on; as they may end up doing everything they can do avoid them. In the short-term, this might allow them to feel better, but in the long-term, their problems are likely to get worse.

Different Experiences

While human beings live on the same planet, their experiences on this planet are not the same. For instance, some people are going to be in a position where they have relationships that are generally fulfilling and this might be how it has always been.

There are going to be other people who are in the same position, but while this is what is normal now, it is something they have had to work hard for. As a result of this, they could have a greater appreciation for what they have, as they know what it's like to be on the other side.

For Others

There is then going to be other people who are used to having relationships that are far from fulfilling. This could be what is normal, and the only thing they have ever known. And while this is not how they would like their life to be, it could be seen as the only option they have.

This doesn't mean that one will never get their hopes up, as they could meet someone who they think is different, or the person they're with could create the impression that they will change. But in both cases, the outcome may well be the same and one is back where they started.

Conclusion

One could then come to the conclusion that there is something inherently wrong with them and there is nothing they can do. Other people could be seen as having something they don't or one might believe that they are just 'unlucky'.

When ones life is not going to plan, it is normal for their mind to come up with all kinds of reason as to why that is. These reasons might reflect reality and yet, they could have no basis in reality.

The Story Maker

Ultimately, the mind is the story maker and there is no limit to what it can come up with. So while one could believe that the reason they are unable to attract the relationships they desire is because of what is taking place externally, it could be the result of what is taking place within oneself.

What is taking place externally is then a reflection of what is taking place in one's body, but if one is out of touch with their body, they're unlikely to see this connection. The mind can cause can one to believe that they are just the observers of their reality and that they're therefore victims. However, when one is in touch with their body and aware of how they feel, they will soon see this is not the case.

The Same Old Story

So when one has relationships that are unfulfilling, they might become aware of a certain pattern. Perhaps one is constantly attracted to people who are unavailable in some way and/or who're unable to love them. They're then used to looking for love in all the wrong places.

It could be that one is attracted to people who are controlling or abusive. At first, they may come across as being: loving, kind and even generous, and then as time passes, the mask drops and their true nature appears.

A Common Approach

If one reached out for support, they mind end up being told that they need to deal with their beliefs. As the reason they keep attracting these kinds of people is because of what they believe.

This would be classed as a top down approach and it would only relate to the mind. It wouldn't give one any insight as to what is going on in their body. If one is having these experiences, they're bound to have beliefs that are far for supportive.

The Body

However, what is going on in one's mind and therefore the thoughts and beliefs they have, can be the result of what is taking place in their body. This is because ones thoughts and beliefs do not always define how they feel; their thoughts and beliefs can be a consequence of how they feel.

When one disconnects from how they feel and this is what often happens when how they feel is too painful to face, it doesn't just disappear, it stays trapped in their body. And this can relate to the pain that one experienced as a baby, a child and throughout their adult life.

Unmet Childhood Needs

During ones childhood years, they may have had moments where their needs were ignored, or it might have been far worse. This could have been a time where ones needs were rarely, if ever, met.

And although one is no longer a baby or a child, what happened during these years can be the driving force behind their behaviour as an adult. It is then no longer ones caregivers who are not meeting their needs; it is the people they come into contact with as an adult.

A Deeper level

At a deeper level, one is repeating the past and is looking towards other adults to give them what their caregivers couldn't. This is not something that happens consciously, as one is unlikely to be aware of it.

And in a lot of cases, these will be needs that no other adult can fulfil. This part of oneself is looking towards others to fulfil these needs and although the same thing happens over and over again, to face this truth is likely to be extremely painful.

Grieving

If one was to face their pain of not getting their needs met during their childhood, it will be painful, but it won't last forever, whereas, if one doesn't face this pain, they are going to continue to attract the same people into their life and to have the same relational experiences.

And as one grieves their unmet childhood needs, their beliefs will change and so will their thoughts. This shows it is not about changing anything, it is simply about facing ones pain.

Awareness

So along with the grief, is likely to be: loss, shame, powerlessness, hopelessness, helplessness and even death. As one faces these feelings and feels them to completion, their relationships will begin to change. This can be done with the assistance of a therapist or healer.

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