Just Another Day

Back, guess whose back . . .

2012-09-03T21:47:00.000-08:00

It's autumn and beautiful.
We are all back in school - even me - and already we feel as though we are slipping slipping slipping behind.
Hockey is in full swing with Jason playing U18 as a 15yr old. Best part? Well 1) way cheaper than U16 and 2) everyone is mature and they don't create drama! Games start next week!
Maybe I'll use my phone to jot things down here n there - I stay away fro the computer unless I have homework. . . Which is like, ALWAYS!
💜

Meatballs again

2012-04-11T00:07:00.000-08:00

Yes, the time is coming for another Meatball Friday. Its been awhile since we had one . . . its been nice. Don't get me wrong . . . I love the house full of food and folk, but it is so expensive. This time we got a little help from the North Pole Baseball team with the supplies. Someone provided us with Moose Meat ~yay!~ and we are getting help with napkins and plate, then someone pitched in money for more of the meat. The veal and pork are expensive - 6$+ a pound and we'll need 4lbs each. Then we half to add to that all of the rolls we'll need and all of the gas used in shopping for all of this. Whoa, I'm exhausted just thinking about it and all of the cleaning that goes with it - and I hate being reminded to clean . . .

Today was Carly's honor roll ceremony. For third quarter she made the B honor roll again. It is always such a great thing because I know how hard she works to overcome her learning disability and succeed. She is continuously looking for recognition from her teachers about this. They give out awards at the end of the ceremony for kids they feel are the best in some way. Oh, how I'd like her to earn this based on how hard she works through her struggles in order to get her B's. They don't seem to see it that way though and they give the reward to the same ELP straight A students as always. If your child has ever struggled, you know what I'm talking about.

Easter was fantastic. Haanah and Phil grilled a prime rib - ohhhhh my was that amazing. Hopefully we will have many more years of beef for Easter! mmmmmmmm

My eyes are getting sleepy and I'm ready to drift off . . .
nitey nite folks!

Oh April

2012-04-08T19:45:00.000-08:00

Birthdays ~ Spring ~ Easter!!!

This year I decided AGAINST baskets. They always sit around full of candy no one will eat for months after Easter.
This year I went with jars full of gum, jelly beans, peanutbutter M&Ms, and Recess. Even the grass was edible!

Caden after he found his Jar and new movie. Simplicity at its finest!

Carly and her jar with We Bought A Zoo! She looks so sleepy but didn't wake up till almost 10!

"Caden stay right there! Wait . . . Right There . . . I want a picture."
We were playing Hot and Cold while he tried to find his special egg. He had NO clue he was holding it.

The vein-y egg. We had fun cracking the hard boiled eggs and then dying them in plastic baggies with veggie oil and dye. Fun Fun Fun!

Morning Birthday Girl 4/2/2012!

Our animal print lanterns that hung from the ceiling with lights inside for her birthday party.

The fun animal print cake I made for Carly. It was a pink lemonade cake with cotton candy icing between the layers finished off by some sugar sheets and million year old piping I had in the cupboard.

Her party crew of 14 for the party . . .

. . . 10 spent the night.

Enjoy it

2012-04-05T18:25:00.000-08:00

It doesn't matter what it is - enjoy it! If you don't like it and it is making you increasingly unhappy - STOP IT!

That's my soap box for today.

I really am into enjoying things! I totally enjoyed coloring eggs on my own this year! We eat a ton of hard boiled eggs so I started putting dye in the water after they cook just so we can enjoy sweetly colored eggs!

PROBLEM: the blue wouldn't stick, hmmmm

So that is when I decided to add a bit of food coloring and vegetable oil (thanks Pinterest) to baggies and drop in my eggs 1, 2, or 3 at a time. TOTAL SUCCESS! THANK YOU! No mess and pretty eggs to enjoy - YAY!

****I rinsed the dye and oil off each egg when I took it out of the bag (after only about 8 seconds after they were in bag) - I didn't have messy fingers or messy anything****

I have also enjoyed getting Carly's birthday party ready. We had family over Monday night and did cake-n-ice cream along with a breakfast burrito bar. It was totally hectic and I didn't plan enough time to finish wrapping her gifts, but I had a great time! We got Carly her yearly Converse . . . that girl just LOVES them. I'm not sure she has ever NOT had a pair or two hanging around. EVER!

Friday night she is having a party in Grandpa and Granny Theresa's basement. She wanted lighted lanterns but I just couldn't justify buying them - for it to look cool, we'd have had to spend 50-80 dollars on them. Not an option! We made hanging lanterns out of a 10$ pack of animal print scrap-booking paper! I had lights left over from a wedding shower and we hung them inside the lanterns. I'll get some pictures when everything is all set up. I still need to get Totino's pizzas, drinks, chips, animal print curtains, a table cloth, cover the windows, place the signs at the roads and then shuttle kids form their school dance to the party. hmmmmm - I am sure I will enjoy it but will be missing my sis - I know she'd love it too!

So hey ya'll - find something today and enjoy it to the fullest! Even if its listening to Fleetwood Mac while you dance around the kitchen putting away your dishes!

Love and miles of smiles!

Eat Pray Love

2012-03-31T10:53:00.000-08:00

Okay, I haven't watched the whole movie - that costs $ or good timing which I have neither of. Funny to me.
This movie is FULL of quotables. I love it.

I'm very lonely since my sister and niece left. So are my kids.

Having my house full of people fills my heart.

High school baseball has begun and Jason squeezed onto the team . . . not because of talent, but his grades were holding him back. Ugh that boy. Just do the work and turn it in. Participate in class - don't sleep. Just conform a little bit - its no big deal. You're not conforming in your heart, just your actions. Its okay.

Deep inside, I am wondering if letting him home school wouldn't be best for him. He wants it so he can spend more time in the winters playing hockey and sleeping. I think he should be enjoying the high school experience though. Chat in the halls, go to a party, date . . . but those things aren't on his priority list. He talks about wanting to hang out with friends but rarely does. I've observed that his friends are team mates of whatever sport he is playing. Its how we raised him - but I often wonder if he is missing out on something and I think that is why I want him to stay in school.

I see the value in homeschooling though. Giving him the educational tools he needs and letting him LIVE outside of school and sports. Maybe get a job when he isn't skating.

Gosh - I think back on how many times I said I'd never consider this - letting him make hockey his everything. He is doing it all on his own though. It is his everything and I had nothing to do it. I wish he could understand that without good grades, he will be completely overlooked by all of the right coaches though.

Why do I let this child consume me?

Carly is doing amazing for a 6 grade girl. DRAMA of course and her language deficit certainly makes the drama worse, but boy is she amazing. She pulled off honor roll for the third time this year. She is determined to do well and I love that love that love that! She turns 12 in a few days and we are so financially strapped that I don't know what to get her. She has planned an unbelievable party - she didn't clear the time with me and now I've got to chaperon kids from 4:30 to 10?!!!!!? WTF? She has no idea how long that really is.

She and I are going shopping today for a birthday gift for her friend. Maybe I'll get some good ideas that way.

Speaking of . . . I'd better go. Will catch you up on Caden next time.

Love -n- smiles from the heart!

Waiting to blog . . .

2012-03-15T16:17:00.000-08:00

I feel as though I've always got something to say and not enough time to say it. I was totally thrilled about spring break and the chance to catch up on here.

Then I got sick and now I don't want to do anything. Nothing. I don't want to move! I haven't been sick with a head cold in - like - forever! I am totally not enjoying it. I feel like my left cheek is going to explode right off of my face!

That said . . . wow have we had quite a few weeks.
Arctic Winter Games 2012 have came and went. We sent Jason off on his way Friday afternoon with 4 buses of kids and chaperons from the Fairbanks area. Pass Port in hand, he headed off to Canada!

We packed and headed out at 4 a.m. Sunday morning. I, of course, slept all of the time! Its just what I do. I don't mean to. I just have issues staying awake in a car. Poor J having to put up with me and my sleep noises.

We made it to Whitehorse Canada in 9 hours . . . in plenty of time to enjoy opening ceremonies! They were fantastic and just perfect for a Nickelodeon watching crowd. Kid speakers, singers, bands and dancers. Like I said, totally Nickelodeon!

Having total and complete sneezing fits so going to run now! Will write more later on the games! So much to say!

Opening Ceremonies - Arctic Winter Games 2012

2012-03-15T14:55:00.001-08:00

Opening Ceremonies - Arctic Winter Games 2012, a photo by Arctic Winter Games 2012 on Flickr.

Opening Ceremonies - Arctic Winter Games 2012

2012-03-15T14:51:00.001-08:00

Opening Ceremonies - Arctic Winter Games 2012, a photo by Arctic Winter Games 2012 on Flickr.

Team Alaska

Arctic Winter Games 2012 Pictures

2012-03-15T11:53:00.000-08:00

Sea of young athletes during the opening ceremonies. The darkness by the stage is Team Alaska!
An incredible showing! So many talented young athletes and our son got to be a part of it!

Jason and Dalton, the two Captains, welcoming their team mates onto the ice!

During one game Team Alaska had to wear Team Yukon's jerseys because the team they were playing, Alberta, had the same color jersey. The team with the best record got to wear their own jersey.

Jason shaking Team Yukon hands after the Bronze Medal Game.

Father and son in Whitehorse after the games ended.
Jason with his bronze ulu. He says its still a loss . . .
I say, What a Great Experience!

On the road to Canada. Through the window of course . . . I don't love the cold!

Snow globe

2012-03-04T04:59:00.000-09:00

We are off on our Canadian adventure. We have been on this road before- 15 1/2 years ago when we left Alaska for the first time and headed out East. It was summer then and we weren't driving through freshly falling powder. It is dark out at 5am and the snow in the headlights looks like we are a tiny car in a child's snow globe.

Its Not Spring!

2012-02-29T10:44:00.000-09:00

Its far too cold out to be seeing and reading about all of the signs of spring around the US! Its bitterly cold and windy out. It is NOT fun. I don't want to be out there or even drive in it.

On the plus side, it is sunny out and even sunny before the kiddos head out to school. Doesn't erase the fact that its COLD!

Must do's for the week . . . get enough groceries to last two kids and a 19 yr old for 7 days, make sure there is fuel in the fuel tank to last at least a week if they choose to turn it on while we are gone, and find some wood incase they want to start a fire . . . though, to be honest, I'd rather they didn't.

Oh, and make lists and schedules. Lots and Lots of lists and schedules - everywhere!

First though, get through the day of music class subbing.

A Million and One

2012-02-28T22:18:00.000-09:00

I have a million and one things I want to blog about.
I probably have a thousand and one pictures I'd like to post.

I need to talk about:

Carly's science fair project - it is pretty and fiery and well done by my 11 year old!

Caden has figured out how to use the Wii to email and MANY other Internet based things.

Caden is researching Theodore Roosevelt for the Wax Museum. Please, send me costume ideas!

Jason scored another hat trick in a state tournament! Woo Hoo! Yep, I'm bragging here because I can't do it on Face Book. . . it really pisses people off.

We are headed out to Canada in a few days to watch Jason and his hockey pals play for Team Alaska! When the mention of not going came up - he teared up. We will go farther in debt for his love of hockey and our love of him. A far better investment than dinner out or a new TV. We don't go to bars or have nights out- we don't travel alone or go to movies - we watch and pay for our kids' adventures. Its just the way we do it . . .

I have been working a bunch while my friend Patty spends some time with her hockey player son out of town. I get to be "Mrs. Linnell" and pop into a few other classes to do fill in work. Its like slipping on an old shoe when I walk into a classroom. Can't wait to be doing it full time someday . . .

Just turned in all(almost) of my required packet materials for the 2ndary ed licensure program at the U. Wish me luck.

G'nite all! Sweet Dreams! A million more things to say - eventually.

{15}

2012-02-04T23:49:00.001-09:00

Woo Hoo!
My "7" baby has made it to 15!
We call him our "7" because he was born on 2-5-1997, 7lbs 7oz, at 14:14 military time.

We went out for a birthday dinner tonight at KFC and will have a BBQ with his favorite food tomorrow - RIBS!

My son's birth story?

I got pregnant in May of 1994. We had been trying for a while, then J went to Thailand for a month. When he got back, we got pregnant.

Then we PCSed to Ft. Drum, New York. We drove from Alaska down through Canada down the Cassiar Highway. It was fantastic. We went into the US in Washington and down to Seattle. Then we headed across America to Pennsylvania. We stayed North and viewed the sites along the way and making a pit stop in Minnesota.

We stayed in PA for a few weeks before we headed up to NY to see what would be our home for the next 2-3 years. We got an apt. on post - so lucky! We were very close to Canada, a great little farm, rivers, and Watertown, NY . . . Jason's birthplace.

There was not an OBGYN clinic on post so all appointments and deliveries had to be done in outlying cities. We chose a great little clinic that was 1/2 doctors and 1/2 midwives. I was going all natural baby!

I was sick the entire pregnancy and away from all family. J was in the field much of the time too. I couldn't hold down water most of the time but I gained a ton of weight anyway. I think I gained 60 lbs about. Probably more around 50, but I was still HUGE!

I went into early labor that had to be stopped with one of those great shots. Then I was sent home to let the baby cook a bit more. I had braxton/hicks all of the time and was still uncomfortable. I also had what they called a rejection rash. They said it is common when the child has a different blood type than the mother. As my due date neared everything intensified. 7 days before I was due, my water broke when I went to the fridge one morning for some skim milk. That was at 7 a.m.

The nursery had been ready for over a month and we were ready to go. We headed to Watertown, about 20 min South of where we were living. We were met by our mid-wife and looked forward to one of those great births you see in a movie. I can remember parts of it like it were yesterday. I was up and down and in and out of the shower. The pain was more than I could imagine and I eventually called out for pain meds. I got what I asked for, but it was just too late. All the meds did was give me a fuzzy head and make it impossible to yell out. The pain never let up and eventually the mid-wife stepped aside and allowed a doctor to do an episiotomy. I remember yelling, "cut him out!". I was in active/pushing labor for just over 2.5 hours at this point. I did push him out on my own finally and my first impression:

He's got his daddy's hands!

Boy did he ever! His palms were huge! We didn't know he'd be a boy, but we were pretty sure. Had he been a girl, we had picked out the name Lydia. He was a Jason though. Jason for his dad, Patrick for his grandmothers, Harvey for his grandpa and me, and last name Donald. Little trick about his name, if he amounted to nothing when he grew up, he's still be a doctor. Jason PhD!

That was about when they wheeled him out of there and under some lights. He failed his APGAR and was about as yellow as you could get. We didn't know what any of that meant of course. Our hospital stay was less than a disaster. The doctors couldn't help us out with Jason because we were military. They were available for emergencies only. Anything else would have to wait for a military doc or student to do their rounds. A student came in to perform his circumcision. We should have been scared when they said she was a student, but we didn't know any better. It was done wrong, which we didn't know either. He actively bled for over 24 hours, which we thought was normal. Finally a nurse noticed he was bleeding through a diaper and she called in a doc to fix things.

I was able to nurse on my own and I assumed they were bathing him and all of the other things that needed done because they had him much of the time we were there. WRONG. On the day we were to be released, a nurse came in and taught me how to bathe him. After he was done, I noticed he was not breathing.

No, really. He was not breathing. The nurse yelled at me that he was choking. How the hell can a baby choke was basically my response. J had stepped out a moment but came back in as the nurse was in panic mode because I couldn't clear his airway.

That was when I learned that is what those blue sucky things were for. She pushed his cart out into the hall and started running to the NICU. RUNNING! Like in a movie. J running with her. Me standing in the middle of the hall crying.

I don't know what they did in the Nursery. I couldn't bring myself to move. Eventually a nurse brought me down to look in a window to show me he was ok. Then they sent us home.

I don't know how old he was when I finally laid him down. Really. I rode in the back seat with him every where we went. He sat upright in everything we owned. We even propped his cradle up. He had a bouncy seat that propped him up. His car seat was mostly upright. None of that really mattered though because he slept in my arms, one hand always on the blue sucky thing. He choked one time walking from the car to a store. We had to run in and clear his airways.

I will never forget the stressful, sleepless moments, one hand on him and one on the blue sucky thing.

We were always clearing his airways. When he was two months old, I came back to Alaska with him and my mom was horrified and his coloring. Yep, no one addressed the jaundice. It took couple weeks, but my mom cleared it up by having him sleep in front of the living room window day and night.

Jason is a treasure. He still suffers from reflux and I suppose he always will. After he is 16, he will need to be scoped and probably have to have it fixed. For now it is controlled with meds and trying to keep stress out of his life. So he plays hockey . . . to relieve stress . . . hahaha

Jason has been stressing us out since birth with his ER visits where ever he goes and whatever he does.
He has also been making us proud every step of the way.
Happy Birthday Jase!

I went into early labor with Jason that brought us to the hospital in Watertown a month early.

!FEBRUARY!

2012-02-01T12:11:00.000-09:00

HaPpY BiRtHdAy

Month!

My niece turns *13*

My son turns *15*

My nephew turns *17*

My "sister" turns *shhhhhh*

Presidents Day

Valentines Day

Two trips to Anchorage

Carly's honor roll

b-day pedicures

Hugs

Love

book reports

Prep for college (yay!)

Good Health (we all maintain HOPE for those in need)

good books

reading to my kiddies (they're never too old)

Positive:

temperatures

behavior

thoughts

LOVE AND HUGS AND HAPPY BIRTHDAYS!

Ohhh could I sleep . . .

2012-01-28T20:52:00.000-09:00

High School Hockey is officially over for my freshman player. Let's talk about our little misfits from North Pole.

7	Donald, Jason	19	5	5	10	1	1		58	.56

Here is his season at a glance. He played 19 game. He was out for a few because of 1) a concussion 2) a broken foot.

Jason actually played two games on a broken foot. It was stable in his skate and chose to finish out a weekend of games. He went for x-rays right after the last game.

He had 5 goals and 5 assists for a total of 10 points. One was a short handed goal and one was a power play goal. The fantastic thing about this is, even though we lost every league game, is that of all of the 1997 birth years playing high school hockey in the interior, of all of the kids he plays comp hockey with, NO ONE comes close to his points or playing time! The closest was a defenseman friend who has 5 regular season points. There are some freshman, who by birth year have one more year of hockey than Jase, that have more points, but only 2.

I am incredibly proud of my son. INCREDIBLY!

Now, what is that 58 mean? HaHaHaHa!
Those are his penalty minutes! He has all of them beat on those too. He is such a goon . . . NO not really. He plays hard and fast and plays each game to make a statement. Sometimes that is the statement that needs to be made. When you play for a team that is continuously on the defense, its tough not to scramble around a bit and play physical.

Like I said before though, his season is over while his friends on opposing teams continue. North Pole did not win any league games and does not get to play in the regional tournament. As a parent though, hockey is not over until regionals are. We will be driving into Fairbanks in frigid temperatures and hosting the regional tournament. We will run the door, penalty boxes, clock, etc. It makes me cranky, but I'm a Patriot mom! Its what we do.

Next Jason has state comp tournament which we could get second, maybe first if we hustle the puck to the net. After that, its off to The Arctic Winter Games in Canada! He and about 6 of his friends are off to represent Alaska in Whitehorse, Canada.

I'm not sure what we are doing. Of course we don't want to miss these great events in his life, but we do have 2 other kids that need our love and support. We will see.

For now, it is farewell to North Pole hockey until October 2012 and Hello Patriot Baseball! Woo Hoo!

Literally

2012-01-26T13:57:00.000-09:00

I love to be sarcastic with my kids, but even more, I love to be literal and pretend I don't know what they mean.

My daughter text me from school yesterday and asked me to pick her up. I told her I would when she got home.

Or answer "can I" questions with . . . "I don't know, can you?"

And after they say "What if . . . " I like to say "well, then (and I repeat their story)".

Every chance you get, throw something literal at your kids. It frustrates them, amuses them, and makes them really think about what it is they actually wanted to say.

Another Day!

2012-01-26T10:33:00.000-09:00

So, I've built a nice fire . . . dogs are just loving it.
Sofa is piled a mile high with laundry - not so bad if the kids would just put the clothes away after I wash and fold them. And, I'd would also really appreciate it if they would bring the baskets back down full of the dirty, nasty stuff all over their floors for me to wash.
I have finally gotten all of the programs loaded into this computer to finish taxes and close things down. I can't believe I had to download stuff. Stupid program! I feel duped.

Jason is, of course, behind in school again. Seriously kid, take some pride in yourself! FRUSTRATED!

Carly is working her buns off and pulled up one of her grades. She is also having trouble with her "friends" and wanted out of school yesterday. What did I do? Picked her up. I took her with me to do my errands and then we came home and watched On Demand while doing work and homework. It was nice for her and for me to have her around for some one-on-one.

I've got a full day ahead of me with paperwork, workout, shower, laundry and HOCKEY! Jason has been dealing with a sore shoulder and he has two games this week. I've got to tell you, the games can be played without him, but they don't have a chance to win without him. There just isn't enough talent on this team and they are playing a group of comp kids tonight. Jason's team only has 4 comp kids and one is not fantastic. I'm not bragging about my child - we have invested much time and money into his hockey education (that's right, I called it education) - and he knows the game better than those who did not have comp coaching. He has been working this week and last week to be a play-maker during 5 on 5 and scorer during the PP. Lets hope we get some pucks in the net tonight!

I'm off . . . Have yourself a super day blog world!
PS: PARADISE IN 3 1/2 MONTHS!

PSS: I always feel triumphant when I hit the spell check button and there are NO mistakes! woo-hoo

Mid January?

2012-01-25T16:29:00.000-09:00

Already? Geesh. I can't believe how the time has flown. I can't figure out why I haven't accomplished a bajillion and one things by now. I don't even sit on this thing much. I've got a to do list a mile and a half long, but don't I always?

I was tortured into downloading the newest Quickbooks. As I tried to finish up Harvey business, the computer informed me my quickbooks I was using was just too old and it wouldn't open up ANYTHING I needed. OH AWESOME. So I had to purchase the update to close the business down. For Crying Out Loud.

So now I am taking a minute while it all downloads and updates, there is a fire in my stove, dinner plans all laid out, oldest off to hockey, youngest done with his homework, daughter hanging out with me while we watch Lost Girl and she is doing her homework.

Kid Updates:
Caden <3 He is doing great in school after a NOT so great start back after Christmas break. He seems to think being smart is good enough. He didn't think he needed to be driven too. We had a little talk though and I think he is beginning to understand. He also got to attend open gym baseball with the high schoolers yesterday. He didn't love it, because they were all so much older, but I'm sure he'll go back.

Carly <3 She is working hard all of the time in school, after school on homework, and at hockey. She is really REALLY doing great playing defense on her hockey team. It is getting pretty fun to watch her. She has a tough time with her classes, but she never stops trying. She was recently placed into a tutoring class at school instead of a "for fun" homeroom class. It was very disappointing to her. She also had a good friend tell her she was stupid and other tell her she smelled. Both told her this in front of others. Though they were kidding around, I'm sure of it, she is tired of it. She is smart, it just not be the same way someone else is.

Jason <3 He is doing okay at school I think. Sometimes I really just want to take his word for it and not get onto the computer to check up on him. It is frustrating and stressful when I do it. Hockey is going well. His team finally won another game. The news-miner decided it was classy to write a headline stating that they finally won after a 17-game losing streak. How embarrassing in a town that already makes fun of North Pole's team. He also got his pass port for his Canada trip to the Arctic Winter Games! YAY!

Off to get back to work now. Shhhhhh, don't bug me.

The Perfectly Packaged Life

2012-01-05T13:50:00.000-09:00

We all want our lives to fit neatly into one of those boxes we see in store windows at Christmas time. You know the boxes. The ones that are gold and red with big, beautiful bows on the top. The boxes where the lids seem to lift off and no wrapping paper needs to be torn?

Actually, our lives look like they've been wrapped by a 3 year old. There is too much tape because the first piece was too short and didn't connect anything. Other pieces are too long like a run-on sentence. The package is covered in band aids and duct tape because we know they stick, heal, and cover imperfections.

We'd like to see these perfectly packaged lives play out like a movie, where the not-so-great things that happened are resolved in an hour and a half.

Some of us are a drama, others a comedy or a family movie of the week.

I have been fooling my self that I was one of those perfectly unfeeling, movie mom's who bake cookies, attend the kid's events, go on field trips, host sleep overs for tween girls . . .you know, an after school special. The mom that says, "Oh well" when a lamp breaks. The mom that does laundry and cleans bathrooms with an apron and a smile. The one that stays up all night making posters and helping with school projects.

Well, great. I mean GREAT! I can do that. I have done that . . . especially the "unfeeling" part. Was I being fake? Was it all a show for the cameras? No. It isn't. But it isn't everything.

Recently, I had a tantrum. What fueled the tantrum? Gosh, everything and nothing, like a child. I wanted my way and didn't care who I hurt. I broke down and wrote some nasty things on my blog that I've since deleted. I want to talk about it, but I want to put it behind me. I want to scream and cry, but I want to say, "Oh, can't change what has been done." I want to make it all go away and pretend I wasn't that stupid . . . but I was.

My husband says, "It's nice to see your human side."
My sister says I'll figure it out.

Did I mean the things I said? No. Does that matter? No. The written word lasts forever . . .

John Donne's poem The Canonization taught me that when I was 19. I was amazed and taken by that poem. When you write about someone, it is forever, whether it is true or not.

I was frustrated at a ton of things and took it out on one person. And it had nothing to do with her . . . but I didn't take the time to figure out what was really bothering me until it was too late and the damage was done.

My doctor once told me I should stop trying to be what everyone expects of me. Whether or not I realize it, it has made me depressed.
I know that I, like many others, want to be everything to everyone. I want to be wife, mother, daughter, sibling, friend, thin, pretty, organized, smart, blaaahhhhh blahhhh blahhhhh. It is hard to accept that I can't do it all at once, or even in a timely manner.

Then I wonder, what am I teaching my daughter? I have been stressing only the positive side of everything to her for a year now. Broken light bulbs only leave space for new light bulbs. A bad haircut only makes room for a good one. Everything bad can be turned good. I have been teaching her to smile through things and have not express her opinion. Seriously, I have said that to her. What kind of craziness is that? It isn't that I think she should be rude to people, but I have been telling her not to confront her friends when they hurt her feelings. WHAT?!

What does that have to do with what I did? Nothing. Because at my age, you don't go around willy nilly hurting people. And don't say things you don't mean. I have used this blog as an online journal for many years. I have always written things down to work out issues I'm having. Usually, when I write, I write through things. I have a beginning, middle, and end like a movie. I have conclusions and answers. Lately, though, I haven't been working anything out. I have had this jumble of stuff going on and not been able to figure out how to do it all better.

When I wrote that post, I didn't work anything out. I got angry at something that has been bothering me since my mom died 6 years ago. I've said it a million times, I did not want to grow up to work for the family business. When mom died, its exactly what I got. I shed full of old paperwork I didn't understand. A computer full of things I didn't understand. I got a new facet to my personality. I fell into a roll of having to do all of this work that I didn't want, but was afraid to let it go because I didn't want to disappoint anyone. I didn't want to let anyone down. As the years went on, I failed at that job. I hated it so much, it was harder and harder to do it and I would fall farther and farther behind. Once a year, I was forced to play catch up. That is tax time. But for me, I wouldn't catch up. Which made me feel like a failure. Which made me want to get it right . . . and so on. Could I admit I was failing? No. Could I fix it? No. Could I take responsibility? No. Could I let go? No.

Instead of writing this out a week ago, I had a tantrum. As my husband would call it, a human moment.
I can not fix what I've done or take away my tantrum. I can only try and explain myself without excuses, because there is never an excuse for being hurtful.

My tantrum lasted as long as it took to type . . . but I didn't delete it like I should have.
Again, highly disappointed in myself as I'm sure my mom is and my dad. Its devastating and heart wrenching. Maybe I can finally finish up the business and let go. Hopefully I can do it all this month and feel the release - I hope to actually, physically feel lighter and happier and more open for new things in my life.

Please wish me luck . . . I've got a lot of time this weekend to do it with Jay and Jason being gone and the only commitment this weekend is to get my little ones back on a school schedule.

I'm going to feel better, let go of some of the disappointment I have in myself, and do this for me and my family. I have apologized to my dad, but I don't think he knows what I am really sorry for is for not being a great of person as he thought I was.

So, I'm off to dry my tears and put some yoga pants on. I will transform my bedroom into an office for one last time. I will pull myself together and do this. I can.

Picture-A-Day challenge

2012-01-04T09:52:00.000-09:00

I issued my sister a picture-a-day challenge. Take one picture every day of one of her children and send it to me.

I am doing the same for her.

Here is Day 1

A picture of Jason (14) driving me home from his hockey practice 1-3-12.
Edited with BeFunky on my phone.

These picture are from December 2011.
My wonderful family:
Carly (11), Jay, Caden (10), and Jason (14).

RESCIND So, I have a job . . .

2012-01-04T09:43:00.001-09:00

Welcome 2012

2012-01-03T12:03:00.000-09:00

Before I forget, go check out I heart this blog. It is one of my all time favorite feel-good, no complaining blog. It's subtle fun and I look forward to each post.

Jason had a great tournament in Seattle. I have FB, but hate updating things about him on there. So many people are the brag-moms, I just don't want that to be me . . . but this is barely read, so I can brag away.

Jase had a 9 point weekend. This included a hat trick one game getting him the Player of the Game medal and then three assists in the next game getting him play-maker. One player actually told him his mom didn't like him or his line because they were competition. Parents can be so rotten. Think it - fine, but to say it? Jeepers.

He is hard at work back with high school hockey now and he leaves again Thursday morning for Wasilla ($$$$$).

I'm off to shower and hopefully (blah) head into Fairbanks (at -40) to get Jason's passport done (more $).

Came and Went

2011-12-27T21:41:00.001-09:00

Christmas came and went.
My tree is still standing (13'8" high)
It is still drinking water and the pine cones are popping
Music to my ears.
The kids' gifts are no longer all over the living room.
They are secure in boxes by the mammoth tree . . .
On the kitchen table . . .
On the stairs . . .
On the counter . . .
And even the floor of my shower.
The Kinect is played daily
hourly
minutely
(is minutely even a word?)
Most of the gifts have been delivered or picked up . . . most
not all
isn't that true every year?

Our kids were blessed this season with Nook Tablets. They are all filling them up with books, apps, and watching Netflix. They are so pleased and happy that I am so pleased and happy.

You know what else makes me happy? Jason's new luggage from Grandpa. We packed a weeks worth of clothes in it and sent him off to a tournament in Seattle the day after Christmas. They have played 2 games already - one win, one tie. He has a goal and a penalty - not great, but acceptable. Personally, I think he could work harder. But I always think that.

Carly is off to cousin Madison's house to spend the night. We gathered up all of the gifts for them and went over today since we didn't see them on Christmas. We got them a tote of Christmas decor for next year, labels, sharpies, tape, and wrapping paper. Ridiculous I know, but it was all 70% off. LOVE IT! Carly packed up her nook and pillow pet, put on her new middle schooler type clothes, and went out for the night looking totally adorable in her new jacket from Grandpa. Her other jacket went missing at a hockey practice. Grandpa felt pretty bad about that and picked her out a white jacket on HUGE discount. YAY and she loves it. I was sketchy about a white jacket, but not her. She even found a head band to match for 2$. WOW.
She also acquired new bedding - NOT a mommy blanket. She has always wanted bedding from a store, not from mom. Her last quilt was made by me and given to her for her 7th birthday. Her first was made for her for her 4th birthday. She is 11 and has finally got something else.

Caden has been stuck like glue to his nook. He is deeply into parkour and spends much time watching you tube videos and martial arts movies. I introduced him to Jet Li last night and he was already a big Jackie Chan fan. He also loved, loved, loved his legos.

So, I lay here on the huge lounge style sofa sectional and listen to Jay snore at 9:30 pm, to rock music coming from Caden's Nook even though he has earbuds in, and to the history channel (which I am not a huge fan of). The tree and stove, alike, are crackling. Esme is stirring, trying to get comfortable on the sofa as I move the pillows around, and I can hear the clothes spinning in the dryer. It is quiet and peaceful, but sad.

I miss my kids when they aren't home, especially after a holiday when they are off of school.

Christmas Pics 2011

2011-12-22T09:18:00.000-09:00

Caden's Birthday Photo with the Christmas Tree

My Carly . . . before she got sick of posing

Jason giving me a genuine smile- the closest I'll get this season probably

I have the only possible excuse for not blogging . . . busy! Its been insane. And really, I don't have time to do this right now . . I should be cleaning and sewing. Sewing Sewing Sewing - it haunts me that I'm not done. I can see how Jason is exactly like me with his procrastination issues. Jay is my polar opposite. NOW NOW NOW is his mantra.

I've got gift baskets to make and booze to buy. I need to buy food for Christmas day too - but need to wait until Saturday so it doesn't sit in my fridge and get eaten. Luckily, I'm not "making" anything . . . just finger foods to snack healthy all day. YAY! Just how I like it. I don't often get my way because I'm a HUGE pushover about everything. This year though we are concentrating on breakfast; eggs, bacon, sausage, bagels, cheese, and hopefully scones. I absolutely love scones and coffee.

Merry Christmas folks - if you're still out there. Love to All!

Arctic Winter Games 2012

2011-12-15T11:12:00.001-09:00

Just got the news that Jason made Team Alaska hockey team for the Arctic Winter Games in Whitehorse! He should get his official invite later this week!

Not sure if there was tough competition or not . . . excited anyway!

Let's Go To Whitehorse!

Just Another Day

Back, guess whose back . . .

Meatballs again

Oh April

Enjoy it

Eat Pray Love

Waiting to blog . . .

Opening Ceremonies - Arctic Winter Games 2012

Opening Ceremonies - Arctic Winter Games 2012

Arctic Winter Games 2012 Pictures

Snow globe

Its Not Spring!

A Million and One

{*15*}

**!FEBRUARY!**

Ohhh could I sleep . . .

Literally

Another Day!

Mid January?

The Perfectly Packaged Life

Picture-A-Day challenge

RESCIND So, I have a job . . .

Welcome 2012

Came and Went

Christmas Pics 2011

Arctic Winter Games 2012

{15}

!FEBRUARY!