Diary of a Madman

The Chronicles of Depression: Tentacles of Frustration

2013-06-02T17:29:00.000-05:00

Most people realize depression, at least in part, is a cycle. At least, that's how I see mine. I go through periods of incredible stability followed by periods of instability. It always cycles.

Sometimes it's easy to break the unstable cycle and drift back into stability. Other times, I keep getting pulled back in no matter how hard I fight. Then comes the frustration. It's easy to lash out at others... wanting to place the blame on anyone but myself, because I am already hurting. Some people deal with their frustration by lashing out, but that's not me. I pull it back in and let it ricochet around.

Today, I intend out to lash out... not directly. I want to vent in the most non-violent and creative way possible... and of course, here is this blog. So here it goes...the lashing.

If you are in need, I will make plans and set aside time to sit and listen. I will absorb your troubles and let you bounce your rants off of me. You will apologize, and I will tell you there is no need. It helps me to help you. I may have other things to do, but for those moments, everything else is cut out of my view and I am there. I travel miles and spend hours for the sake of you feeling better.

If I am in need, I am left alone. There is always something more important and more pressing. I am left dropping subtle hints... and I remain subtle because I care and I understand that I am not the center of the universe... I don't take pride in my pain. I may cry out, plain as day... but the best I receive is the equivalent to a pat on the head and a "cheer up, buddy." I take this all in stride. I am a good sport. I kindly bow out and am left to sulk it out.

I am tired. I am so tired of being the nice guy, but I have no desire to turn into some demanding prick that is always grabbing for attention. I don't want therapy, I don't want drugs, I don't want to die and most of all, I don't want to feel this way anymore. There is no easy answer. There just isn't.

Honestly, the most frustrating thing of all is that with all of my friends .... I didn't think I'd have to lay this all out. Now that I have it laid out, it will either distance people more or people will pay more attention, at least for a little while, out of guilt, pity or sense of obligation.

Yes, I know that I am responsible for my own happiness. Yes, I know there are people that love and depend on me..... but I guess that is the point. I don't feel like I am allowed to depend on anyone. I don't feel like I can. I don't trust anyone anymore to depend on them. At all.

If you were having a good day before reading this, I apologize for shitting on your sidewalk.

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FCBD

2013-05-04T14:36:00.000-05:00

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32313 - Self-Loathing

2013-03-23T15:04:00.000-06:00

Self-loathing by Meztone

“When we don't know who to hate, we hate ourselves.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

I have recently realized that I often hesitate to bring up my own personal issues with others as I am afraid of burdening them. I don't seek help until I am near desperation [or deeply entrenched in it]. I have an overwhelming sense of self-reliance and am reluctant to trust other people, even those closest to me. I sometimes make things worse [by doing this], often to my own determent, then feel guilty when I need rescued. I [very] often feel like I have to fix everyone else's problems before I attend to myself. I see this as a flaw and the guilt deepens. The guilt festers and becomes self-loathing.

22713 fracture

2013-03-17T22:04:00.002-06:00

The number 3. The number is a constant in my life. 3 is a number of completion ... perfection in my mind. Duality is not enough, it must be trinity. Balance in the triangle. I always thought I had two personalities., one that was for me and another for everyone else. The one for myself I named Dæmon. The second is John, the one everyone knows. But I've found that since I became a father, there has been a shift. John dominated and Dæmon fractured. He was always there under the surface, the dark one. He who was called Säko is now Æon. Perhaps the Æontriad was within me rather than in the world.

Perspective.

3613

2013-03-17T21:33:00.000-06:00

The quest to relate. Not to belong, because belonging hints at ownership. Companionship maybe. That feeling that wavelengths are in sync but without the obligation to devote sole ownership of that connection.

The thought alludes to a reluctance to commitment, but that is not the intention. This grounding and then burying of primal needs breeds frustration and contempt. Devotion means to sacrifice freedom to change. The freedom to adapt and grow.

Nothing is eternal. Even the raging inferno is eventually reduced to cinders and ash.

The universe is built on the foundation of constant change & turmoil. But in this turmoil there is purpose.

The Walking Dead TPB Covers

2012-12-08T16:12:00.001-06:00

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Dog of Steel

2012-12-08T15:23:00.000-06:00

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She-Hulk

2012-12-08T15:15:00.001-06:00

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Red Hulk vs Spider-Girl

2012-12-08T15:07:00.002-06:00

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Nightcrawler and Wolverine

2012-12-08T14:50:00.000-06:00

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Red She-Hulk 58 + Variant

2012-11-10T16:56:00.001-06:00

The Amazing Spider-Girl

2012-11-10T16:43:00.000-06:00

Earth X #3

2012-11-10T16:35:00.001-06:00

Marvel Apes

2012-11-10T16:23:00.000-06:00

Ms. Marvel

2012-11-10T16:11:00.001-06:00

X-Force: Sex + Violence

2012-11-10T15:57:00.000-06:00

Blog in Review: October, Week Four

2012-10-27T16:21:00.000-05:00

Batman Magic Towels

2012-10-27T16:11:00.001-05:00

Batman and Nightwing

2012-10-21T09:40:00.002-05:00

cover by Simone Bianchi

From Gotham Nights #1

From Nightwing #87

From Nightwing #121

Blog in Review: October, Week Three

2012-10-20T10:43:00.002-05:00

Deathlok

2012-10-17T18:51:00.001-05:00

The Sentry & Angel of the X-Men

2012-10-17T18:30:00.002-05:00

Sub-Mariner vs Venom

2012-10-17T09:01:00.001-05:00

Cover art by Marko Djurdjevic

X-Men: Curse of the Mutants

2012-10-17T08:47:00.000-05:00

cover art by Adi Granov

Batgirl Likes Strawberries

2012-10-16T13:01:00.000-05:00