...Sarah...

...integrity...

2012-02-17T13:22:00.000-08:00

Integrity: 1. The quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness

Honest: 1. Free of deceit and untruthfulness

Sincere: 1. Free from pretense or deceit; proceeding from genuine feelings. 2. (of a person) saying what they genuinely feel or believe; not dishonest or hypocritical

One wouldn't think these words need to be defined for adults anymore. I was recently involved in a situation where someone who I once believed possessed all of these traits proved me incorrect. My last blog was written about the power of words and how hurtful deceit and lies can be. This situation reminded me of how true this is.

At the rate of sounding repetitive, I find these things to be very simple to do and I can't fathom why some people can't abide by this. If you don't mean it, don't say it. If you make an offer, follow through. If you promise an action, complete said action. If you want to be respected, respect others enough to be a man or woman of your word. It is an incredibly simple concept to me.

That being said, I'd also like to thank this person. The same way that you cannot have dark without the light, it is hard at times to appreciate honesty without deceit. So, in a way, I owe this person sincere gratitude. Through this situation, I have been reminded that I have some incredibly, radically honest people in my life. I have amazingly genuine friends. I have an incredibly authentic partner. Perhaps the silver lining of being misled is that those who are deserving of my time and love and energy will benefit from my renewed appreciation of them.

...the power of words..

2012-02-03T11:36:00.000-08:00

Words have power in relationships. Perhaps not as much power as actions have, but they are still extremely weighty. One of the goals I have set for myself is to say what I mean and mean what I say. I do my level best to follow through on what I say and not say something unless I truly mean it. This is a double edged sword though. By adhering to this rule, I tend to assume that everyone else does the same. It seems that relatively few people abide by this.

Take this statement: "I'll always be there for you no matter what." Here's how I interpret that, "I'll always be there for you no matter what." (pretty simple, eh?) However, it seems there are more and more people that mean this as, "I'll be kind of here for you until it's no longer convenient." I caught myself not too long ago realizing that I knew far too many people who would say things without realizing the import of their words. When you put your faith in someone's promises and they don't follow through on them, it shatters something inside of you. It undermines your faith in that particular person. It makes you leery of believing anyone else when they make promises. You begin to question your friends, your partners, your family, even the lady at McDonald's when she says your order will be up as soon as the fries are made.

Sadly to say, I have experienced this with far too many people in my life. Even more sadly to say, I made excuses for them because I found it (and again, this is sad) normal. I was no longer even able to muster up any real emotion when someone would break a promise -- because it had become so mundane. I would tell friends, "Well guys, be nice to him. He didn't mean to ::insert broken promise here::. Maybe he just changed his mind." I mulled this over on my drive back from Missouri this week and realized how incredibly backwards this thinking is. Certainly we all have a right to change our minds. We all have the responsibility to be true to our emotions and feelings. What we do not have the right to do is mislead people. If you're aware that you probably don't mean what you say, then don't say it. I'll even go so far as to say that if you're pretty sure you mean what you say but not 100%, don't say it. Spare the lies. Spare the deceit. Speak your truth and own your truth. It's unfortunate that, upon this realization, I could almost physically feel my respect that I had for people disappearing. Since I've had these thoughts rolling in my head, I've looked back at people in my past and thought, "Wow. I don't even know the person. In fact, I probably never knew that person. Because he/she didn't know him/herself well enough to be truthful."

There is a flip side to this coin. Because words are so powerful, they're incredibly healing. The capacity of the love that is shown when someone is truthful with you far exceeds the damage that can be done by someone who lies to you. Lying and broken promises are easy. It's nothing to say whatever pops into your mind with no thought of the consequences (intended or not). It takes character to speak the truth and stand behind your words. When you find someone who can heal the damage done to your trust by others, you know you've found someone special. When you can look into someone's eyes and know they mean what they say, the chasm in your faith begins to heal. I am lucky, I am blessed, I am favored because I have this someone. I have several of these someones. To my friends out there who have shown me truth and love and honesty, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have healed me time and again. You've inspired me to be that to you.

...putting yourself out there...

2012-01-25T20:23:00.000-08:00

Putting yourself out there.

It sounds easy. It sounds remarkably easy. All you have to do is be your authentic self...right? Just be you and you've done it. Like falling off a log. It's as easy as taking your next breath. It's as simple as just waking up and going about your day. It's as uncomplicated as growing hair. It's as effortless as blinking. All you need to do is be and you've put yourself out there.

It's not that manageable. It's not as easily done as it seems.

Putting yourself out there requires sincere effort. It requires an awareness that can take a lot out of you. Putting yourself out there requires an attention to your authentic self that few things demand.

I have been working very hard to achieve this goal. I tend to have somewhat low expectations of people. Not because people have made me think this but because I have an internal conflict with trust. I realized awhile back that if I hold myself to such high standards, it's fair...no it's right...to hold others to this. If I'm not holding others to the standards to which I hold myself, I'm somehow selling them short of assuming they can be the best person possible. Who am I to wield this power over them? Who am I to say, "Well, I know I can be this authentic and genuine person, but you can't"? I'm not that person. I should expect that others are being as authentic as they can be. And if you treat others as their genuine selves, you're going to receive that back ten fold.

In the past couple of months I have consciously challenged myself to believe what people say. I have consistently demanded that I take people's actions at face value. No more second guessing. No more thinking, "Well, I know he/she said this but what if he/she means something else?" And I've found it's been one of the greatest exercises of my life. My faith in people has grown exponentially. My trust in those around me has matured by leaps and bounds. Certainly there will come a point that I will put this conviction in someone and it will come back to bite me. However, I firmly believe that those times will be far fewer than the times this will help every relationship I have grow and become stronger.

Putting myself out there has never felt so good.

...for the boys...

2012-01-24T16:16:00.000-08:00

I read a great article today about the power that friendships with other women holds. (Click here to read) I am very lucky to have some very strong friendships with some beautiful women but it made me think of my friendships with men as a counterpoint. Many women are thankfully blessed enough to be able to have some great platonic friendships with men but I find myself thinking I may be luckier than most.

I grew up in heavily male surroundings. I have 3 brothers whose friendships I hold very dear. I spent a lot of time with my older brother and his friends growing up as well. The vast majority of his friends were boys at the time so I had a plethora of surrogate big brothers. Growing up this way taught me a lot about men. They taught me to be tough, they taught me to stand strong, they taught me to fight, they taught me to protect, they taught me to be protected, they taught me to laugh but, above all, they taught me to love. I've found that my most enduring of friendships have centered around the men in my life. There have been countless discussions, articles, books and movies based on whether men and women can be platonic friends or not. I've found that they can. Sure, there are times in many friendships where romantic feelings have arisen on either (and sometimes both) sides. I'm not saying that romantic feelings can't crop up. However, I firmly believe that they don't always. Furthermore, I believe that if they do crop up, it doesn't mean they're acted on. Nor does the fact that these feelings come into play necessarily negate the friendship or make it any less viable as true companionship. I have found as I've gotten older that many of my opposite sex friends have taught me more about being able to love than almost any other relationship I have. I've learned how to fight selfishly, love selflessly and get back to common ground by forgiving and understanding and letting go of grudges.

Certainly, my women friends have taught me this as well. However, I can say with the utmost sincerity that I have experienced (as a whole) more compassion, more honesty, more caring, more laughter, more organic moments with my male friends. I don't think this is indicative of men as a whole. Nor do I think that my experiences are necessarily the barometer by which all male/female relationships should be judged. What it means to me is that I've been extremely fortunate to have fostered these relationships with "my boys." So, to all of you folks out there who have an opposite sex best friend, appreciate them every day. All relationships are to be cherished, all relationships are to be revered. But let's not forget the unending bond that can be nurtured between different genders. These relationships can challenge you in ways that those with the same sex can't. I am so grateful to the men in my life who have been by me through thick and then -- even, no especially, when I was not necessarily the easiest person to call a friend. For this, I thank you all. I truly couldn't be where I am without the influence of you.

...growth spurts...

2012-01-23T07:50:00.000-08:00

There are certain times in your life that are ones of extreme change in short amounts of time. Most of biggest changes in my life have always taken place over the course of a few weeks at a time. Then I spend the next several months adjusting and learning about myself in whatever new place I'm in before it's time for another change.

I liken it to the growth spurts you have as a teenager. As kids we all went away for the summer break, returned to school in the fall and suddenly everyone looked different. Girls were developed. Boys were tall and gangly. Acne was the dreaded curse. Boys' voices cracked. Girls were trying to figure out how to hide tampons in their pockets when they went to the bathrooms. All in all, it was pretty horrible. It was awkward. We had no idea what was going to happen. Then, one day, it made sense. We adjusted to our growth. We learned to love it. It became our reality.

Emotional growth spurts are like that. They're often awkward and uncomfortable. You wake up in the morning just annoyed at being in your own skin. You wrestle with whatever changes are happening. You try to out reason or out logic your emotions only to realize that's impossible. And then that day happens. The one that you wake up and there's such utter clarity. You realize the changes you're going through make sense. Your new reality has arrived, no matter how scary it is. The day that happens is a beautiful one. You suddenly (or slowly in some cases) understand the reason change comes around. You understand that everything up to this point has, in its own way, led you to find your truth. Your journey will be frenetic at times and meandering at others. But once you know your truth, once you know your desires, once you know your needs, you have found your path. It's sure to be a winding one with peaks and valleys. But once you get on that path that's your truth, it's worth walking.

...

2012-01-16T20:44:00.000-08:00

Sitting here getting ready to go to bed I find myself overwhelmed. Simply inundated with a flood of emotions I can't properly grasp. I attempt to grab hold of what I'm trying to express and find myself to be, for once, at a loss for words. I've always been fairly successful at articulating my feelings but I am failing at this point.

In the past couple of months I've set myself free. I've gone into every friendship I have wholeheartedly and with the utmost openness. I've never been the sort of friend who will hold myself back totally but I do keep something reserved just out of sheer fear of being disappointed. After much introspection I decided to see what happens if I just give up on that. I wanted -- no, I needed, to see what would happen if I let the last lines of defense take a break.

I've learned this -- my friends don't disappoint. My friends won't hurt me. And that's because I have chosen my friends wisely. I have looked at them and said, "Yes, this is the kind of person I can respect." I have learned that some of my acquaintances are deserving of my friendship. Yes, deserving. I'm ok with saying that someone deserves to be friends with me. I know my worth. I know what my friendship is worth. I know what my support is worth. I am thrilled to have turned some of my acquaintances into "real life friends". I have further found out that I'm deserving of their friendships as well. I deserve the love and compassion and care and support and humor that I've found in the people I've chosen to surround myself with.

I've learned this -- I can take care of myself but that doesn't mean I don't deserve someone(s) who will take care of me. Simply because I can doesn't mean that I always have to. I can go to the people in my life and say, "I need some help" and they're there. No questions asked. That's amazing to me. Simply astounding.

I've learned this -- I can trust and I can be trusted. I can take a risk and I can have someone take a risk on me. I can be silly. I can be serious. I can be funny (or at least try). I can be smart. I can be witty. I can be dumb. I can be right. I can be wrong. And there are people who will love me because all of those things make me who I am.

I've learned this -- I've found joy. Yes, that's the word I've been looking for -- joy.

...How do you know...

2012-01-03T13:31:00.000-08:00

I came across this article today on Reddit called How Do You Know If You Are In Love?. It was touching and sweet but it started me thinking about how I've known I was in love before. And I came to the conclusion that I have no idea. It's an indefinable emotion to me. There's no way for me to find the words to express the difference between loving and being in love. It's just something you either know or you don't.

However, it sparked a curiosity in me to think about love. Not necessarily romantic love. Just love. The action of love. The being of love. The art of love. The passion of love. This passage in the article resonated with me:

"When people ask, "How do I know I'm in love?" I say: What makes you happy? Most people assume the answer should be: her. But the answer should be: whatever makes her happy. To see her succeed, thrive, be delighted, delirious, if this thrills you, this is a sure sign of love."

I truly think this is what love is. When you realize that you are actively happy for someone when they achieve their goals. When you purposely can put aside your own selfish desires and delight in someone else's pleasure. I am blessed (and I don't use the word 'blessed' lightly) to be surrounded by a plethora of talented, successful, motivated, driven, sincere friends. There are times when I'll get a text message from them or a phone call from them where they're excited about some good news in their lives. Every single time I hear this, a piece of me swells with pride for them. Although I had nothing to do with their specific accomplishments, I revel in their joys with them. I relish these moments of satisfaction for them. To see my friends succeed and to find pure ecstasy in their triumphs is truly what love is about to me. So, to all of my friends who are living your dreams and finding your happiness, know that I love you for that alone. I'm proud of each and every one of you and am inspired, humbled and in love with each of you in your moments of achievement. You're making a difference in your own lives and making a difference in mine...by showing me how to love someone.

...A change is gonna come...

2012-01-02T14:06:00.000-08:00

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about the upcoming year. Typically I'm not one to give a whole lot of credence to "New Year, New Beginning." I usually think, "Ok, it's just another day now. I have to remember to write 2012 instead of 2011" and that's about how little it affects me. However, with everything going on lately, I've really been unable to think that it's just another day. I feel like it's going to be a year of changes for a lot of people. It's going to be a year of changes for me. It's a year to dream. It's a year to achieve.

I'm on the precipice of an incredible change and it's alternately terrifying and exhilarating. While I'm an overall optimistic person, there are certain things I have convinced myself for years that I don't want. Suddenly, I'm finding that I do want these things. As much as I've changed internally, I am completely frightened of outward change. I'm scared of it. I like the status quo. I enjoy my comfort zone. I am a creature of habit. I can't tell you how many people have heard me say, "No, I don't want to do ______. I like it like ______." or "No, I'll never leave Pensacola, this is home." or "No, I don't want to go to ______, I like it better at _______." However, I look around me and see so many people stepping outside their personal boundaries and reaching for a change. I've been inspired by them. I've realized it's time for me to do the same. I'm ready to let go and embrace change. I want a difference. I want to reach for everything I want and trust that I'll find it. I'm sure I'll stumble. I'm sure I'll falter. But I assume that's what makes the journey worth it.

To Christian & Jolene - I want to say that I am in awe of you guys. You're taking a chance and going after what you want. I also want to say thank you. You two have awakened within me this yearning for something else. You've shown me what real friendship is. You've shown me what love is. You've shown me that sometimes you just have to say, "Ok, let's give it a shot and go after what I want." For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have genuinely inspired me. I can't tell you how much it's appreciated. Seeing you guys give it your all for a change has shown me that I can do it as well. I love you both.

So, here we go. I'm not going to make a "resolution" for change. I don't do resolutions. However, I am going to let my guard down. I'm going to try something new. I'm going to get outside of my comfort zone. I'm going to deepen my friendships. I'm going to open up to a relationship. I'm going to see what happens. I'm going to live. I'm going to dream. I'm going to fly. I'm going to achieve. I'm going to trust. I'm going to love. I'm going to take care of people. I'm going to let people take care of me. I'm going to take a chance. Most of all, I'm going to be happy.

...Dear 2011...

2011-12-27T10:44:00.000-08:00

Here we are yet again. It's hard to believe another year is over. It seems like a blink of an eye ago that I was bidding farewell to 2010.

I am constantly amazed at the changes in my life. 2011, I liked you. Really, really liked you. I told 2011 it was going to be MY year and it certainly was. No, I didn't achieve every goal I set for myself but I certainly hit a lot of them. 2010 showed me what it was like to find myself and 2011 showed me what it was like to sink into myself and "be" me. Looking back, I can say it was one of the best years of my life as far as overall peace. There were some rocky times, there were a few weeks in there that I thought, "Yep, I'm just going to break right now." And I didn't. That feels amazing. I pushed through, I persevered and I prevailed. I didn't make a backwards slide, I kept looking forward and I made it. 2011 taught me a lot about trust. It taught me a lot about relationships. It taught me a lot about being a partner.

I opened up to some people. I cemented some friendships that I know will be lifelong. I found a couple amazing women to be friends with. I found a couple amazing women to trust, amazing women to love, amazing women to look up to. I spent a lot of time investing in myself. I spent a lot of time investing in my friendships. I spent a lot of time investing in my family. And those investments are paying off in spades right now.

I took time for dinner parties. I took time for weddings. I took time for amazing music shows. I took time for trips out of town. I took time to go see my family in Missouri. I took time to sit down to dinner with my family. I took time to cook. I took time for me. Yes, 2011, I'm going to miss you.

And 2012, you should just go ahead and get ready for me. I'm sure we're going to experience a lot of ups and downs. I already see some big changes on the horizon for me in 2012 and I know the transitions aren't always going to be easy. But I can guarantee they'll be worth it. I'm ready for it. I'm ready for stronger and deeper friendships. I'm ready for some great stories to tell. I'm ready for great conversations. I'm ready for great music. I'm ready for great food. I'm ready to spend time with my family. I'm ready to watch relationships blossom. I'm ready for love. And, perhaps most importantly of all, I'm ready to love. So, c'mon with it 2012. Ol' Sarah Cook is ready for you.

...Suicide and strangers....

2011-12-20T09:00:00.000-08:00

So I'm a moderator in an online forum (insert geek joke here). There was a post made on the board from a young lady who is going through a very hard time in her life. She's suffering from anxiety, depression and self harm. Her boyfriend has left her for another woman. She's currently in the mind frame of using alcohol and drugs to mask the pain. She's contemplating suicide. I got an email from her asking for help. Keep in mind I have never met her. I just found out what her name is. All I know is her side of the story. She's 23 years old and she's in pain. But it's very real pain to her although her family and friends keep telling her to "Get over it, he's just a boy." If it were that easy, I assure you, she would do it. Coupled with her anxiety and depression the heartbreak has left her devastated an unable to function right now. She wants it to end. I gave her my email address and contact information.

Within about 5 minutes of receiving this information she sent me a request to chat in gmail. I spent a couple hours with her online last night trying to soothe her. Trying to tell her to not end it. Because she doesn't want that. Trying to tell her that drinking isn't going to help. Drugs aren't going to mask the pain forever. Denying her pain the process to heal is inhibiting her being able to move on. I don't know if I made a difference. But I know I tried. I've heard from her again today and she isn't doing well but she's still here with us...and that's what matters. She's in the depths of despair and can't see the light. I hope maybe I've shown her there is some light.

I came to work today and one of the girls told me her friend's son killed himself last night. It's a shame. It's a waste and it's just disheartening.

I don't know how many people read this but I'll put this here in the hope that someone who needs it may stumble across it one day.

You do NOT want to die. You do NOT want to end your life. You simply want to end the life you're living now. You want the way your life is going to stop. You don't want your actual existence to stop. And I will tell you that it requires work. It requires standing up in the faces of depression and anger and loneliness and hurt and humiliation and tell them, "No! You're not welcome here. You're not welcome in my life. You have no place in my heart. You have no place in my head. Pack your bags and leave -- no, don't even pack your bags, just get out of here." It's hard to do. It's painful to do. The process of pulling yourself from the edge isn't easy. It's fraught with tension and depression and anger and sadness and sometimes it gets worse before it gets better. But know that, know that it DOES get better. But it requires you standing your ground. It requires you saying, "Mom/Dad/Friend/Husband/Wife/Stranger/Therapist, I need help. I don't know why I can't move past this point right now but I can't. I need you to lean on for a little bit." I'm so proud of the girl who emailed me last night. It took a lot of strength for her to admit that she's floundering and wants a way out. You never know how strong you are until your weakest moment and, in that moment last night, she proved that she has the strength to fight through this and work through her issues. I don't know if I'll make a lasting difference in her life but I fully intend on keeping in touch with her during this journey. And I know that, at the very least, she made it through another night because she knew someone cared. And, for that, I am thankful.

If any of you ever need anyone, please contact me. I've been there and I've done all the things you can imagine. I lived to see the other side (barely) and let me tell you, it's beautiful here. No, it's not always easy. Nothing worth it ever is. But it's an amazing life I have because I built it. It's an amazing life I have because I stuck with it. And it's an amazing life I have because I asked for help to get here. Reach out, please, if you're feeling like this. Nobody will think you're weak. Find comfort and solace where you can and please remember to never give up!

...Relationships...

2011-12-02T07:05:00.000-08:00

At the end of relationship you tend to have a lot of time to reflect on all of your relationships. Obviously, I've had a lot of time recently to have some quiet time and do some thinking....a lot of thinking.

I've been kicking myself over and over thinking, "C'mon, Sarah. Again?! Another failed relationship? What's wrong with you? What did you do wrong this time? What should you have done differently? It looked like it made sense on paper...why couldn't you make it a reality?" I had an epiphany yesterday though. I don't have many failed relationships. At all. I simply have a lot of relationships that have evolved into something else. I can happily say that I've had relationships that have been dented and banged up and, in some cases, sawed in half. But they've all been patched and repaired with time, love and energy. I can honestly say that I could call up almost any person at random from my past (whether it's a friend, someone I've dated or whatever) and say, "I need you." and they'd be right there for me. That's not a failed relationship. Not even close. Certainly, there relationships I've been in romantically that didn't end up as romantic relationships and, at the time, I felt like I failed in that relationship. But I realized yesterday that couldn't be further from the truth. Those relationships are still here. They're just here in a different capacity. They're here in a fascinatingly real way. Those relationships just now happen to be platonic. So, I didn't fail. I got friends out of these "failed" relationships. Which, to me, means I succeeded ... fabulously.

...It's been a long time...

2011-11-15T16:52:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in quite a long time. I've been too busy wrapped up in my little life. Now, it's unraveling and I'm not sure quite how to handle it so I figure blogging is the best way to gt out some thoughts.

In the past couple of years, I've learned who my real friends are and who my fake "friends" are. I've learned how to heal from heartbreak and I've learned how to open myself up to new love. Both of these are very painful experiences to learn from.

Without getting over melodramatic, I just want to say that I love you all. I truly do. There are a lot of big changes in my life and, quite frankly, I'm overwhelmed. I'm not sure where this road is going to take me but I do know I'm terrified, I'm scared and I'm....well...not me. For all of you who read this, thank you for taking the time to do so. You are truly appreciated. Take a second to tell those you love that you're thinking of them and you love them. You never know when they're going to be taken away from you -- and trust me, that hurts....tremendously. Don't take anyone for granted. The cliche that you don't know what you've had til you've lost it is definitely a cliche for a reason. Best of love to all of you. And know that you're appreciated by more people than you can possibly know.

...Love...

2011-08-02T08:28:00.001-07:00

I haven't posted in awhile. Mainly because I tend to publicly blog when I'm venting, frustrated, angry and/or unhappy. I haven't been those things lately so I haven't had much to write about.

However, I woke up last night around 3 (or rather, this morning) and didn't get back to sleep til 6 or so. Instead of getting up and making myself more awake, I decided to just lie back with my thoughts and let them tumble around. This isn't something I can normally do. It tends to make me more awake and more manic and more stressed out but it's something I've been trying to teach myself to do at the urging of a close friend of mine.

One of the thoughts that kept coming to the surface was love. I don't mean the mushy gushy in love I'm so happy I could just dance kind of love. I mean love...in all aspects of your life. It seems to me that from the time we're brought into this world, we're taught (told?) to love. If you have siblings, your parents are saying, "You need to love him/her." When you're a kid and on the phone with your grandparents, your parents say, "Tell your grandmother you love her." Then you're told you'll grow up and you'll fall in love. We're told to love our neighbors as ourselves. Then we (well..not me...but you get the picture) get married and we're told to love and honor our spouses. Then we (again..not me) have kids and are told to love and protect them. After a few hours of thinking about this, I realized we're not told how to be loved. That seems to be the hardest thing of all. Sure, we're shown love but I don't think we're taught and told and preached at to be loved. And, honestly, I think that might be a better lesson than simply being taught to love.

Letting yourself be loved is, perhaps, one of the scariest feelings you can have. It takes total and complete trust to accept someone's love. When you choose (or when you can't help it) to love someone, you are in control of that love. You're in control of how deep you want to love, how strongly you want to love, how completely you want to love. When you allow someone to love you, you don't have a choice in the matter. You have to trust that they'll love you and not betray that. You have to trust them when they say, "I'll always be here." You have to trust them with your heart. And then...and then...you have to learn how to heal when they don't do that. Because, let's be honest...at some point someone (and, odds are, LOTS of someones) will let you down. They'll betray that trust. They'll change their mind about how much they want to love you. And then you have to heal from that and decide how trust in someone else with loving you again. This doesn't just apply to romantic relationships, although that's how most people probably relate to it. But, to me at least, this applies to family and friends in addition to romantic relationships.

Maybe if we taught ourselves to be loved instead of just to love, things would be just a slight bit better. It's something I'm learning...and will probably falter with...but I'll be damned if I'm not going to keep on keeping on at it. I'm going to continue to trust those people I'm around...regardless of the disregard anyone else may have shown in the past. Maybe the greatest love you can give someone else is to let them love you.

Or maybe I was just sleep deprived. Who knows?

...Life lessons...

2011-06-22T08:54:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, we've had a rough few days in my family right now with my grandfather in the hospital, my grandmother having surgery next week on her back and my other grandfather having surgery on Monday (thankfully his is "just" a knee replacement but still.) We got some more bad news last night that I'm not ready to share just yet. Suffice it to say, it's one of those weeks where it feels like things are just piling on.

All of this has gotten me thinking about my family and friends (who are like family) to me. I was reminded of one of the greatest things anyone in my family has ever said to me. On my 'baby' brother's 21st birthday, he and I were hanging out and chatting about life and the family. I've had some moments (that's a nice way of saying it) in my life that have been really rough. Some were external circumstances out of my control, others were stupid decisions I chose to make, others were medical issues. Anyway, there have been some really dark points in my life. There were times that I know I didn't think I'd make it...and I'm certain my family and friends thought they weren't going to make it through it all with me.

Tyler and I were talking about it and about how nice it is that I made it through that and made some changes in my life a few years back. Then he looked at me and said, "Sister, I'm proud of you. Who cares what anyone else thinks? You got your life back together on your own and I'm proud to be your brother." (note to self: I should take him out for a beer more often...that could have been the catalyst for this statement) :)

It's times like these that are rough on everyone but the silver lining is it makes me have to focus on the good things that I may gloss over at times. All in all I'd say I'm a pretty lucky woman. I have great friends, I love my family (most of the time!) and I was lucky enough to have a little brother as supportive as Tyler. (Josh & DC2 - y'all don't feel left out! I love you guys too)

...I wonder....

2011-03-22T12:37:00.000-07:00

I was looking through my facebook wall awhile ago and noticed (or rather...re-noticed) a rather disturbing trend.

I have (probably) about equal men and woman as friends on FB. I'd say maybe 60% are parents or expecting. (that's not the disturbing part.) :)

I see a lot of my female friends writing things like: "If you aren't a mother, you can't experience life to it's fullest" or "If you are a mother, you're missing out on being able to have freedom." or "If you're not married, I feel sorry for you because it's so nice being a wife." or "If you're married, you have no idea how fun it is to be a single woman."

Yet I never see men writing these things. They seem to be (generally) comfortable with whatever their situation is and (it seems) they don't try to make themselves seem superior by saying their lives are better than their friend's lives.

Maybe I'm just reading into it too much, but it seems like (a lot of the time...this is certainly not across the board) women seem to be the ones making other women feel like they're not good enough. It just seems sad.

Personally, I think it's great if you have kids or not. I think it's great if you're married or not. I think it's great if you're a stay at home mom or a stay at home dad. I think it's great if you work 80 hours a week at an office or 12 hours a week online. It truly doesn't matter to me.

Ladies, what is the point in trying to make others feel inferior because they don't follow the same path you took? After all, wasn't the feminist movement started so that we had could choose what we wanted to do and not have it dictated to us by others...regardless of their gender?

...Temper...

2011-03-01T10:30:00.001-08:00

I lost mine today

I did not like it

I so rarely do that anymore

That is all

...Mistakes...

2011-02-21T10:12:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about mistakes. They're part of life. They're part of what makes us who we are. I have a friend who was going through some things a few years back. I've been having a many conversations with her lately trying to help her sift through some of the emotions. She has come so incredibly far in just a few short years. She's turned her life around. She turned herself inside out and dissected so many of her problems and really got to the root of the problems. I am impressed by her. Yet, no matter how far she has come, there are some...well, for lack of a better word...haters. (I hate that word but I'm at a loss for another one). Some people want to continually bring up her past transgressions. They want to say, "Yeah, you're doing well now, but don't forget about a few years ago when you were having all those problems." Or, she'll make a joke about being "crazy" and someone will tell her, "Nah, you're not crazy now but BOY were you a few years ago." She feels it's a non-stop barrage of, "Don't forget, once you were 'less than' you are now."

So, to those people, I want to say: Stop it. Leave it alone. Let it be. Granted, it is a part of her history but one she's beat herself up more than you ever could. She's moved on and is in a positive place. What is it that's inside you that you feel the need to remind her that she messed up? What is it that's inside of you that won't be happy that she's grown and moved on and has accepted, owned and learned from her mistakes and turned herself into an amazing woman?

And to her, I want to say: You rock. You're amazing. I think you're funny, I think you're witty. I think you're beautiful. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you for the woman you are today. I'm proud of you for the woman I know you'll be in 10 years from now. I'm proud that you owned your part in your unhappiness and turned it around and made yourself happy. Don't listen to the negativity in people. Naturally, never forget what you went through (ha! like you could) but when someone wants to bring it up for whatever reason, just remember that you're better than that. You're not in that place anymore and YOU did it. You pulled yourself up and learned from your mistakes and made your apologies and turned everything around. Those other people didn't do it for you so don't give them the power to make you feel bad about it. I love you. I am constantly amazed by you and I look forward to seeing where you go from here.

...A.D.D. part duex...

2011-02-15T17:21:00.000-08:00

I finally bit the bullet and made an appointment to go see my doctor tomorrow to start talking about the possibility of me having A.D.D.

I've been doing a lot of research on it lately and, it's strange, the more I read up on it, the more I think, "Yep, that makes sense...wait, you mean EVERYONE doesn't do that?" Then I think, "All right, seriously, why has no one mentioned this to me before?" It's a little surprising.

I'm excited about finally talking about it with a professional and seeing if that's what all this "static" is in my head constantly. If not, back to square one. Naturally, there's a part of me that does NOT want to be diagnosed with A.D.D. And can't you see why? Seriously, it's "diagnosed". It's not "Oh, you have lots of thoughts in your head that just need a little fine tuning." Sadly, like many other diagnoses, there is always a certain stigma that comes with it from ignorant people. Those are people I've been ignoring for a good, long while now, so I suppose it won't be too different.

On the other hand, I would LOVE for it to be figured out. After all, the enemy you know is better than the one you don't. At least once the problem is addressed, there are ways to "fix" it. I prefer to think of it as just redirecting thoughts and not as "fixing" them because, quite frankly, I don't think it's all bad. There are plenty of great, successful, creative people who have A.D.D. or A.D.H.D or whatever you want to call it. On the flip side, there are also some psychopaths who have it...but I digress.

I'm not really "worried" about my appointment. Well no more so than I worry about anything else. So I guess, compared to most, I am worried about it.

But I'm also hopeful.

I'm hopeful I will be able to finally go see a movie in the theaters because I know I can sit through it.

I'm hopeful that I'll finally be able to enjoy a road trip because I'm not thinking, "Oh c'mon I need to bethererightnowrightnowrightnow"

I'm hopeful that I'll be able to hold a conversation and not be thinking about 10 other things I feel like I NEED to say. (even though my rational mind knows I don't)

I'm hopeful that I can sit down and enjoy a massage because I'm not thinking, "Ok, so did I make the eye doctor appointment for Wednesday? Oooh, remember Wednesday in the Adams Family? Hey! I looked into buying an Adams Home one time...Oh yeah, did I turn off the coffee pot at home? OOOOH..coffee, that's so good. You know what I haven't had in awhile? A red eye from end of the line. Hmmm, end of the line, I wonder how they're doing with their vegan brunch? Ew, I don't like vegetables. I wonder if Landon would like a Veggie Tales movie. Oh yeah, I was supposed to return a movie to Blockbuster. Wait, aren't they going out of business? Oh yeah, just some of them are. I wonder if I could keep the movie. Nope, that would make me a thief. I don't like thieves. Aladdin was a thief though. I wonder if it's ok in that instance and..." well you get the picture.

I'm hopeful that I'll be able to sleep an entire night. That would be the most awesome thing of all.

So...we shall see.

p.s. after re-reading this all I can say is, thanks for putting up with me. MAN, I must be obnoxious :)

...A.D.D.?...

2011-02-11T08:29:00.000-08:00

My conversation last night talking about how it gets old not being able to sleep:

Matt: "You know, maybe you have A.D.D."

Me: "What?! No way. Certainly that would have been caught by now."

Me: "Hey Mick...Matt thinks I may have A.D.D."

Mick: "REALLY?!?! You're kidding" (hopefully sarcasm can translate via the written word here)

So, I kind of brush it to the side and moved on to something else (see what I did there?)

This morning I'm at work and decide to take an A.D.D. "quiz" online.

So I took one...it said there was a strong possibility.

Then I took another one...an even stronger possibility.

I then took yet another one....well, you see where this is going.

I decide to take just ONE more and then realized that was pretty A.D.D. to be obsessing about something so I move on.

My mom comes in.

Me: "Hey mom, you won't believe this. Matt & I were talking last night and he said I could have A.D.D."

Mom: "Uh, ya think?!"

Me: "Well, it would have been nice if someone would have told me"

Mom: "We figured you knew."

Crap. It's not that I think there's anything wrong with having A.D.D. and I may not. But, seriously, if I do, couldn't y'all have told me?! It would explain so much :)

...Oh Walmart...

2011-02-09T13:13:00.000-08:00

I had to run over to Walmart a few minutes ago to get champagne for some of the gals who come into the shop on Wednesdays. We have mimosas and snacks. As I'm checking out, I get carded. Here is my conversation...I was amused.

Cashier: "Hey, my birthday is exactly 5 days before yours. That's awesome!"

Me: "Hey wow, neat!" (while thinking, "Well, that's not really awesome but ok.")

Cashier: "Where'd you go to high school? You look familiar."

Me: "Tate."

Cashier: "HEY! Me too! AWESOME!" (she was very excitable, obviously) "When did you graduate?"

Me: "'01."

Cashier: "Oh ok, I graduated in 2002. I started school later than you I guess. Oh wait, no, I didn't. I forgot. I got left back.....in kindergarten."

Me: "Oh ok." (all the while thinking, "You know, I wouldn't necessarily tell someone that)

She continues to check out my stuff.

Another employee walks by and my cashier yells, "HEY GIRL!!! One more week!!!"

The cashier in the next lane: "Where you goin' in a week?"

My cashier: "Oh nowhere. That's when my brother gets out of jail."

Me: ...silence....

Lady in line behind me: "Hey! My son is in jail too. I know how you feel."

My cashier: "WOW! That's neat!"

oh, Walmart.

...toilets...

2011-01-25T13:40:00.001-08:00

This is probably the most entirely useless thing I have written ... well, ever. I was on MSN and saw this headline "What a Guy's Bad Habit Says About Him". There was a picture of a toilet (with the seat up) next to it. I decide that I just had to go read about this just to see if it was a joke.

Here's what the snippet was, "When men do this, Wanis says, “they’re too interested in being right rather than being happy.” Wanis maintains that guys shouldn’t look at the act of putting the seat down as a loss of manhood because sometimes the toilet seat can be the sign of a power struggle. “Little things like this can reflect larger, deeper problems in the relationship,” he says."

Now, I have a very serious question. Is this REALLY an issue? And this is a genuine question. I would love to know if any of my friends have ever genuinely had this fight. I can honestly say that I have never even thought about this in any relationship I've been in. I grew up with 3 brothers and I can tell you I've never fallen in the toilet or had a catastrophe. Believe me, I went into a lot of bathrooms growing up with the toilet seat up and I've managed to survive this many years.

AND if it is an issue, can someone please explain to me WHY it's an issue? If you're a woman and this is that big of a deal, are your arms broken? Are you unable to move the seat yourself? Hey, if you're worried about germs, use your foot and just push it down. I mean, come on now. This is ridiculous. I've been over to my male friends' houses and I'll make it a point to put the seat back UP for them...it's their house. If this is a real "issue" perhaps the high rate of divorce finally makes sense to me. Pick and choose your battles, folks, pick and choose. (and yes, I realize the article says this is something that is not about the toilet seat, it's about another issue...well talk about THAT issue, not the freaking toilet)

...Horrified...

2011-01-09T13:09:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about the shooting in Arizona yesterday. How could you not?

It's utterly sickening. Just horrific. Made even more sickening by people like the Westboro Baptist Church...here's their press release regarding picketing the funerals of those killed. It boggles my mind that people are this hateful. I mean genuinely makes my breath catch and my head cannot wrap around this sort of hatred. It is so far removed from anything I can imagine that it's just incomprehensible.

Then we move onto the super right wing. And, no I'm not talking to my friends out there who are far more conservative than I. I'm talking about the over the top, hateful, vengeance seeking right wing. (and for the sake of argument, I will go ahead and say yes I KNOW that there are these nutjobs across the board...trust me I am FULLY aware of that. But this is what we're discussing now).

Sarah Palin and her CROSSHAIRS on her website? I mean, get real. I think Michael Moore said it right (which is strange for me because while I am not conservative, MM gets on my nerves a LOT...I find him to be pretty extreme in many instances...but I digress.) He tweeted, "If a Detroit Muslim put a map on the web w/crosshairs on 20 pols, then 1 of them got shot, where would he b sitting right now? Just asking." I'm certain some of you reading this will disagree and I respect that, but I think that brings up an interesting point...I feel very certain that if this situation were reversed, Ms. Palin (I hate using her 1st name..it makes me ashamed) would have NO problem calling out someone who had crosshairs on their site as being a terrorist and inciting violence...

Furthermore, when she put this information on her twitter account, it was accompanied by a tweet that said "Don't retreat -- instead Reload"...now AGAIN, I will say that she is not personally responsible (nor are any of the extremists). The shooter is responsible for his actions and I understand that. I also understand that while we do have a constitutional freedom of speech and you are more than welcome to express that however you see fit, we do have an INTRINSIC freedom to do what is RIGHT. Simply because it is legal to speak how you want, does not mean you should abuse that right. Particularly as someone who has so much fame and so many followers. Certainly, she has a right to put a bullseye on whomever's district, face, name, address all day long...but is it right? I understand being frustrated. I am frustrated but I am not creating a webpage that MILLIONS see and putting a bullseye over her home. That would be inflammatory. But maybe I have sense...

And finally, I'm sure this blog has irritated some of you (if anyone reads it) but that's just the way things are. And for any of you who say "Well, she's not responsible because she didn't pull the trigger." I'm with you on that and you're right, she didn't pull the trigger....neither did Charles Manson

Responsibility is a far greater weapon that violent rhetoric...

...Dear 2010...

2010-12-30T18:52:00.000-08:00

It's almost time for another new year...I know people tell you this growing up but you never seem to believe it. Time really does just go by faster and faster.

This year has been an incredibly...well, incredible...year. I feel like I've been all over the board. I started this year out with a lot of high hopes. I found them dashed part of the way thru the year. Then I found them built back up with a lot of hard work on myself. Then I found them being built up by others. I can definitely say that 2010 was a ride. A crazy, fun-filled, high stress ride.

Looking back on it I can't believe all the changes that have gone on this year. I never thought I'd be where I am right now. At the beginning of this year I was focusing on everyone but myself. Not because I necessarily had to but because I wanted to. I learned a lot about myself this year and I learned even more about others.

I started finding some balance in 2010. I started branching out in ways I never thought I would. I found myself focusing on me instead of anyone but me. I started a business this year...and ultimately had a relationship end, in part, because of that. I fell apart but then picked myself back up and realized that it was time to grow up and have some focusing on myself.

I've always been a nurturer (at least in my own head I am...I think most would agree with me on that). I learned this year to nurture myself. I learned to really love me. I learned to follow my passion. I learned to not forget about me regardless of how bright those around me shine.

I feel like I grew up...again...this year. I feel like I found me. I've found a balance. I'm not totally there yet, but who knows if I ever will be. But I grew up. I stopped immersing myself in taking care of everyone else and started immersing myself in taking care of me. I feel like I'm...peaceful.

2010 was a hard year for me. I never envisioned it would turn out this way. I never envisioned I would have experienced all the great things I did this year. It started out on a very high note and had lots of great highlights throughout. There were some dark spots too. I had my heart truly broken for the first time. But it wasn't broken out of malice or hate...it was simply broken because obviously something wasn't right. Maybe it takes a real heartbreak to make you grow up and start to heal and learn to love yourself. I'm so thankful for all the people in my life in 2010. A lot of you have made my faith in mankind that much stronger. And I can honestly say that there are truly VERY few of you who have let me down this year. Things may not have turned out as anticipated but I can't say that I feel let down. I'm happy for the time I spent with people this year. In fact, there is only one specific person I can think of who genuinely disappointed me this year. That's not a bad ratio. (and, no y'all...it's not Travis..haha...he's still one of my favorite people)

So, 2010, I'd like to thank you. I want to thank you for the great trips to Memphis, to New Orleans, to Shellman, to Vortex Springs. I want to thank you for the incredible friends with whom you've allowed me to enjoy you. I want to thank you for giving me the opportunity to start a business. I want to thank you for allowing me to rebuild bridges that were, if not burned, then simmering. I want to thank you for healthy relationships. I want to thank you for showing me that simply because a relationship is over in one way, it doesn't mean that it's failed, just that it's evolving. I want to thank you for giving me a lot of laughs, a lot of hugs, a lot of friends, a lot of love. I want to thank you for taking care of me enough to make me realize that there are a lot of good things ahead of me. I want to thank you for allowing me to end this first decade of the 2000's with a fond memory of you. I want to thank you for aligning the stars to make everything turn out the way it is. I thank you for the people I started you with, I thank you for the people you allowed me to enjoy most of you with and I thank you for the people you're allowing me to end you with. It's been a beautiful year with you even through all the bad times. And, with that being said...I hope you tell 2011 that I'm coming. Because 2011 is MY year. 2011 is the year that all my life lessons I learned with you truly come to fruition. And, you tell 2011 to get ready to wrap me in cotton because it's going to be a cozy year for me.

Time...

2010-12-22T19:29:00.000-08:00

I know there have been countless stories, blogs, conversations, musings, arguments, books and more written about the relativity of time...

I've always been cognizant of the fact that time is relative. No more so than today though. As most of you know, today is the anniversary of the day Parker died.

He was 12 years old....it was 1998. A moment, a day, a lifetime that I'll never forget. Today is now 12 years that I've been without him.

It's a rough day for that. We only had him in our lives for 12 years...when he passed away, I remember thinking, "Oh come on! It's only been 12 years! How are you going to take away someone we've had for such a SHORT amount of time?"

Now I'm sitting here 12 years later and I'm thinking, "Come on! 12 years is way too long. It's too long without seeing his face."

Those 12 years with him just seemed to fly by. He was here for a heartbeat...a blink of an eye. Now it's been 12 years without him and it's seemed like aeons. I haven't heard his laugh, I haven't looked in his eyes, I haven't seen his face, I haven't argued with him. I haven't laughed with him. I haven't just been with him. It feels like a lifetime ago. And I guess today it really is a lifetime ago. It's his lifetime ago. He's been gone from me the same amount of time I had him. What a crazy thing to think.

If he were still here, he'd be a man...what kind of man would he be?

Who would he love? What would he be doing? What would be his passion? What would be his heart? Would he be married? Would he have children? Would he still love me with the same unbridled love he showed me in those 12 years of his life? Would I still be a constant in his life? Would I still be his "big cousin Sa-Sa"?

I don't know....this is a hard thing to wrap my head around. I don't know what would have happened to him. All I know is he was a beautiful soul. And I don't say that because he's not with me anymore. I say that because it's true. I know that he loved me unconditionally. He thought I hung the moon...and I know I don't want to disappoint him...wherever he may be.

So, I'll love unconditionally. I'll be passionate. I'll be a beautiful soul to the best of my ability. I'll think someone hung the moon. I'll be the best person I can be. I'll carry on my legacy. I'll carry on HIS legacy. I'll do the best I can...for him...because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, he wants me to be the best "me" I can be.

Parker, you were here for such a short amount of time. In that time, you showed me love, you showed me graciousness, you showed me kindness, you showed me more than many people have who lived far longer than you. Maybe you knew you had a short amount of time on this earth so you packed all the goodness and kindness you could into a short 12 years. Thank you for still being my inspiration after all these years. I love you desperately. I'm so grateful for the fact that you were part of my life for 12 years and grateful that you're part of my soul permanently. I love you. I miss you. Thank you. - SaSa

...Adversity, it's not for everyone...

2010-11-15T07:54:00.000-08:00

It's been an interesting several days to say the least. Lots of highs, lots of lows. But it's an interesting ride nonetheless.

I've been thinking about adversity. We all experience this. Some more than others, some deal with it better, some crumble in the face of it. I've often wondered what I would do if faced with certain things. Here's the conclusion: I have NO earthly idea...

It seems like every time I say, "Well, if so & so did such & such, I would DEFINITELY do __________" Then so & so does such & such and I never do what I thought I would do. I wonder why that is. Is it a lack of self awareness? I don't want to think so. Or is it that you never really know how you'll react until you actually face something? I'd like to think that's it.

And with that realization, I think that's how I've come to find that it's hard for me to judge someone. Sure, I can look at them and say, "Well, if I were you I wouldn't/would do ______". But, history shows that I can't necessarily believe that. So, I just have to live my life realizing that I don't know HOW I'll react until placed in a certain situation.

All I can hope is that I'll handle adversity with grace, honesty, a lot of humor and my head held high. I like to think I've done that in the past few years. Because, let's be honest, I certainly didn't always do that! I think that now I've been through enough and learned enough to say, "Yeah, this sucks right now but it's not the end of the world & I can make it through it & enjoy this day for what it is because it will pass."

I suppose this is a multifaceted post. One, I've realized that "every little thing is gonna be all right".

Two, put yourself in someone else's shoes before you judge them. Think back to how many times you have probably said "If something happens, I'll react in this way" then had that something happen and you acted in the complete opposite as you suspected. Open your mind to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, you are not right. Open your mind to the possibility that maybe you are not wrong. Just realize that people react to adverse situations in many different ways. The only way I've learned how to always react to adversity in a positive way is through love. It makes things a hell of a lot easier and more enjoyable...