I KNOW HOW IS BABBY FORMED!

Forget the Mommy Wars, Now We Have the Mommy vs. Daddy Wars

2012-01-27T15:01:00.000-08:00

The other day, I somehow found myself in a discussion that began when one SAHM complained that her working father husband had been invited to join a working parents support group - and that group was meeting at a nice restaurant for lunch. Her issue? That she spent her time cleaning toilets and changing diapers, and she wouldn't mind a nice restaurant lunch. 

And heck, according to her, her husband had no desire to be a stay at home dad. Implying, it seemed, the following question: Why would he possibly need to be involved in a working parents group anyway?

From there, various derisive comments were lobbied at any working parent (by which the participants pretty clearly meant dads) who might want to meet with other working parents (dads) to talk about what it's like working when you have kids at home, from a practical point of view or from an emotional one. The old trope working is so much easier - or, translated, it's easier to be a working dad than a stay at home mom - was trotted out. And various "fixes" were suggested... send the dads off to Chucky Cheese while the moms go to the nice restaurant, and so on. 

My suggestion that a working dad might not be overjoyed to spend the majority of time away from his home and his family was also met with skepticism and, naturally, the working is easier cliche. Because dads have it so easy being the sole supporter of a family. Dads have is so easy missing milestones like their children's first smiles and words and steps. Dads have it so easy missing their partners and sons and daughters for the majority of their waking hours. 

You know, because they get to eat lunch at a nice restaurant. Those selfish cads.

Daycare Pick Up: My Favorite Time of Day and My Least Favorite Part of the Day

2012-01-26T08:11:00.000-08:00

The other day, I came across a post entitled My Favorite Time of Day by the working mother at the blog What She said. I bookmarked it because it resonated with me, and then subsequently lost the bookmark. But when I sat down to blog again today, it only took me a few seconds of Googling to find it again - and then a few seconds of reading to find the sentence that had made the whole post stand out in my mind in the first place:

As I pull into the daycare parking lot at approximately 4:45 each afternoon, my heart invariably skips a beat and somewhere in the depths of my stomach I feel a flock of tiny butterflies take flight in anticipation of seeing her again.

Why did it resonate with me? Because it's how I wish I felt as a working mother. I may be opening myself up to criticism by saying this, but I do not rush out of the office with a spring in my step to pick up the Babby at the end of my workday. I drag myself. I dither. I dally. I check my email one more time. Ditto for Facebook. I wash out my coffee mug. Go to the bathroom. Gather my things and then trudge out the door. 

Don't get me wrong; daycare pick up is one of my favorite times of day. But it's also my least favorite part of the day. By the time I walk out of the office and into the open air, I'm usually tired. And cranky. Getting into my car is not what I want to do. Plus, by the time I pull up to the daycare to pick up the Babby, she is usually tired. And cranky. And getting immediately into the car is not what she wants to do.

Sometimes we go to the playground, but now that it's chilly outside the Babby usually just lets me know she'd rather just go home in the whiniest way possible. Once we're there, the whining usually continues and my attempts to engage my otherwise happy and delightful daughter are met with unhappy resistance. 

I get it - the Babby needs to unwind as much as I do. But it makes me sad that by the time she does finally cast off the weight of her day - and how it breaks my heart to write that - it's just about time for me to begin making dinner and I'm left guiltily trying to decide between playing mommies or getting a meal on the table before bedtime.

And that is precisely what's on my mind when the clock ticks over and work sets me free. Dinner is looming. The daily diaper vs. underpants issue is looming. The post-pickup tantrum is looming. That, and the memory of slow days of exploration where dinner wasn't even a concern because there was plenty of time to make it. Even to walk to the market for missing ingredients. Thoughts of having the Babby's best hours to myself instead of having to sit sadly by until she decompresses. And selfishly, thoughts of my prior professional autonomy that I stupidly failed to nurture. 

Daycare pickup may be my favorite time of day, but ultimately it's a part of the day that is heavily loaded down with baggage. I want to feel butterflies in my tummy when I pull up to daycare and see the Babby run toward the gate. Unfortunately, what I do feel is something more like defeat.

What I've Been Up To: A Collection of Pink and Orange Birthday Party Ideas

2012-01-23T12:33:00.000-08:00

The BabbyDaddy had the right of it recently when he told me that if I didn't let myself have fun planning the Babby's third birthday party, it would still come anyway and then pass me by without my ever having enjoyed it.

To help me do just that, the BabbyDaddy is getting involved in the party planning - even describing how and when we could make paper flowers together. 

In fact, in a few minutes, the whole Babby family will bundle into the car and head to Michael's to look at craft papers. Hopefully there will be a good thick pack, on sale, that is exactly what we're looking for. 

Wish me luck! And I don't just mean luck with finding craft paper. Wish me luck coping with the process of trying to be creative and hands-on and engaged and happy while trying to fit party planning into the eclectic mix of responsibilities that is my life.

Sometimes Becoming a Stay at Home Mom Isn't an Option

2012-01-19T18:21:00.000-08:00

With the Babby's third birthday rapidly approaching, I'm in a bit of a funk. Last year, planning an overcrowded and chaotically awesome birthday bash for a tiny human being was at the top of my list. Party coordination and the making of things was exciting. Another chance to entertain! A reason to make a rainbow cake! Why not a matching birthday hat?

This year? It didn't even occur to me that the Babby's birthday was coming up until just a few days ago. And the realization filled me not with excitement, but with something else. Exhaustion, maybe?

I've been feeling a bit bitter - and I think that Ginger from Ramble Ramble (which you should totally check out), or maybe it was one of her commenters, helped me understand the reason. Or part of it. Somewhere on her site I came across someone - was it Ginger? - railing against the a particular group of SAHM mom bloggers who are absolutely convinced that becoming a stay at home mom is an option open to anyone, anywhere, provided they were willing to make the right one-size-fits-all sacrifices. No kidding.

Typically, these SAHMs are of the opinion that all working moms are selfish harpies who get weekly manicures, enjoy fabulous restaurant lunches daily, go shopping constantly, have live-in nannies who speak Portuguese to their charges, and so on and so forth. These same ladies also write books, as I discovered when I noticed that there has been plenty published on paper about becoming a stay at home mom.

The recipe for becoming a stay at home couldn't be simpler:

1. Start clipping coupons

2. Stop getting your hair colored at the salon

3. No more luxury shopping

4. Move to a less expensive area

5. Get a richer husband

6. Budget budget budget

In case you only scanned the list and thought, well, that all sounds reasonable, let me direct you to item five. You see, all of the aforementioned SAHM bloggers and books determined to convince you that becoming a stay at home mother is something anyone can do assume that the parenting partner (and it's always the man because single parents and lesbians do not exist, I guess) already makes enough money to support a family with some lifestyle adjustment. The second assumption is that the reason the reader is not already a SAHM is that she has squandered the families money on designer suits, organic caviar, and name-brand SUVs.

Things not accounted for include partners who don't actually make enough money to support a family without additional income because housing is quite expensive these days, people who can't change jobs because jobs are pretty hard to get these days, and people who live in expensive areas of the country and can't move become that's where the jobs in their field are.

Which brings me, in a roundabout way, back to my bitterness. I was never a SAHM. I was a WAHM, but one with enough free time to make planning a kiddie party something to look forward to. Now I'm entering a new phase where I'm halfway back to being a WAHM, money-wise, but still working in an office, and so have one day off a week and look at the idea of planning the Babby's birthday party with some amount of tired dismay.

So when I accidentally stumble across some sanctimonious mommy blogger who maintains that working mothers are self-absorbed and only working because they're apparently too dim to clip coupons or too image-obsessed to give up those manicures, I'll freely admit that my panties do get in a bunch. Especially when I'm darn well going to power through and plan the Babby's birthday party as if I didn't have to work ever. 

Just Showing Off: My DIY Clock Upcycle

2012-01-17T17:50:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the hustle and the bustle of Christmas, it's been far too long since I've talked about any kind of project. Or at least too long since I've talked about a project without complaining about it! As much as I enjoyed making homemade gifts this past Christmas, it was something of a burden considering how much time I devoted to editing and writing, caring for the Babby, and keeping the house up to spec. 

So if I seem a little happier than is strictly nice that the holidays are over (and not just for the obvious reasons), that's why.

But it wasn't all Christmas crafts, all the time around here! Or all work, either, and thank goodness for both of those things because otherwise I would have gone out of my mind. I did, around the start of December, get a chance to try my hand at making a DIY clock... 

Okay, so it's less of a DIY clock and more of a clock upcycle, thought I did kind of DIY the second hand. 

Why'd I do it when there was already so much on my plate? Mostly to prove I could. Long story short: a coworker came to me with an unloved Staples clock that's been hanging around the office and said "I hear you can make stuff. Make it better." And thus my DIY clock aspirations were sparked!

Here's how I did it and how you can make your own DIY clock:

1. Get a cheap clock from Staples or Walmart or Target or the Family Dollar or the dumpster.

2. Dismantle it. For me, that meant taking the battery out, unscrewing the back, unlatching the motor case from the hand mechanism, and having the guts to pull hard enough on the hand mechanism to get at each individual hand.

3. Paint or paper and Mod Podge over the backing, being sure your design lines up with the 12 if you want it to and that you don't cover over or gum up the hole in the center. Let it dry.

4. To make a custom second hand like I did, cut it down enough so you can still glue something on it. Then glue something on it - I chose a heart, where the point at the bottom keeps the time. (You could do this with all the hands if you're careful.)

5. Gently reassemble your DIY clock, being especially gentle when you reassemble the hands. Replace the battery and test it - you may need to manually turn the hands around a few times as if you were setting the correct time if they stick.

And voila! You have a DIY clock that no longer bears a Staples logo and is unlike anything you'll see in the aisles of Target! 

I feel a little bad that my own upcycled DIY clock attempt is currently hanging in my kitchen - keeping perfect time, I must add - instead of in my workplace. Hey, at least I took a few pictures to show my poor clockless coworker in lieu of actually giving him the clock back, right?

P.S. This is the closest thing to a tutorial I've ever written, so if you have any DIY clock tips to add, please share in the comments! 

Inventing New Holiday Traditions

2012-01-16T07:47:00.000-08:00

I don't remember my family/ies having a lot of holiday traditions growing up - or if we did have holiday traditions, they were of the grownup sort that didn't mean a lot to me as a kid. So every holiday was a little different. Fun, sure, but the expectation surrounding the holiday was all about the presents because there were so few other traditions to look forward to. 

My goal this past year? I wanted to break the cycle of not having strong holiday traditions that my children can pass on to their own families - or at least remember when they're grown up like me.

Where I got stuck was how exactly one goes about inventing holiday traditions. 

Some things that the BabbyDaddy wanted to do - like open one present that's always jammies on Christmas Eve - just didn't work out this year. There were a few years where my dad hung our stockings on our bedposts so we got to do a little unwrapping while parents slept that much longer, and I love the idea but the Babby is too little to open gifts by herself. It looks like certain traditions will have to wait until we're spending Christmas at home instead of traveling and until the Babby is older. 

But this year, I think we laid down the framework for a few new holiday traditions: the pre-Halloween weekend costume bike ride into Salem (weather permitting), the decoration of the Christmas tree the day after Thansgiving, and the decoration of leftover Christmas cookies on the day the Christmas things come down to soften the blow. 

There are holiday traditions I definitely want to add in coming years, like decorating and then using an advent wreath with candles and having the Babby help pick out or make gifts for family members. And I suppose there will be holiday traditions that just sort of evolve as time goes by. 

I just know that when my children are grown I want them to look back on the things our family did for the holidays and smile. 

What holiday traditions has your family invented?

The Long Drive: One Important Decision After Miscarriage

2012-01-11T10:47:00.000-08:00

Every time I walk past our town hospital, I feel nothing. And for that I am grateful. It wasn't until just the other day, as I was driving along listening to a radio segment about pregnancy loss and grieving after miscarriage and stillbirth, that I realized why my local hospital doesn't fill me with sadness and disappointment and the vague gnawing sense that the future I'm living in is just a little off.

It's because I took my miscarriage out of town, into Boston where it couldn't ruin the backdrop of my life. We were offered the very sensible option of having the D&E performed locally - or we could take the long drive into Boston to an unfamiliar hospital where we'd have to cope with the sights and sounds of an active OB/GYN practice and a bustling maternity area. 

Some people, the perinatologist said, prefer not to be around pregnant women or walls full of pictures of babies. I'll cope, I answered. And I did. 

Driving into the city during the holidays and navigating a gigantic parking garage, walking a multi-building maze of wards to find the perinatologist's office... first, to receive my pre-operative lamanaria, then for the D&E procedure itself, and then for a post-op checkup... was worth all the trouble. Even when I was alone for the third visit, newly tattooed and still numb and dumb with anger and sadness.

Worth it because my memories of my local hospital are still of the all-you-can-eat hospital food available on the maternity floor and checking into and out of the NICU a hundred times a day to sit with the Babby once upon a time. Of sitting with a full bladder in the ultrasound waiting room. Of checking out of maternity with no cards or flowers or balloons, and especially no new bouncy baby... but knowing my baby was healthy and would be coming home soon. 

While all my memories of miscarriage and after, of waking up from anesthesia crying for what felt like no good reason except the throbbing scrape of my intubated throat, of driving in full and driving home empty, and of the ache of loss, all take place in unfamiliar offices and waiting rooms. Places I'd never been before and hopefully will never be again. Places that are vague and dreamlike in my memories and perhaps will blow away like dust as more and more years go by if I'm lucky.

The hospital I think of as my hospital is the site of other memories, some good and some not so good, but not those memories. I'll say it again: For that, I am grateful.

Nighttime's When We're On the Lookout for a Piglet On a Stool

2012-01-09T17:35:00.000-08:00

I'm always a little wowed when mother friends tell me that their Babby-age children still seldom sleep through the night. (You know who you are.) I can't imagine what it would be like to be nearly three years into parenthood without having more than a few uninterrupted nights' sleep. Truth be told, I'm rather terrible when sleep deprived. Not quite a mama witch, but one heck of a bleary eyed grumpy gus for sure. 

Once upon a time I had the most ridiculous argument with the BabbyDaddy. We were raw edged and full of bile from lack of sleep, and arguing over who would change a diaper. Not arguing about who wouldn't change the diaper. I was absolutely bent on being the one to wipe the poop off the Babby's behind.

These days, most days, the Babby sleeps straight through the night until morning and then some. As much as we try to be good parents and to get her into bed and asleep earlier, she wakes up in the morning like her mama... mushy brained and out of sorts... so I always try to let her sleep as long as possible.

But every now and then the Babby does wake up in the middle of the night. Her papa and I count to 100. Or, rather, the he counts to 100 because I'm no better at waking up in the middle of the night than I am at waking up in the morning. On most nights, the Babby snuffles herself back to dreamland - or never was truly awake in the first place. On a few nights, her snuffles escalate into wails and then one of us has to go attend her.

It's a chore, I'll admit it. Nighttime is not the right time, when it comes to this mother having to do, oh, anything. 

And yet, when I stumble into the Babby's dark room and see her outline reaching for me, when her tiny nighttime voice says "Hold me in the chair, mama," and when I do and the minutes tick by so slowly it feels like forever, I travel back to the Babby's baby days when every night meant holding her. Then I travel forward to a future when no night ever will again.

These days, I know she's ready to go back to her own bed and her own dreams when she whispers "Mama, ask papa to find a piglet on a stool." No lie. When the BabbyDaddy puts her to bed each evening, she dreamily asks the same of him. "Papa, ask mama to find a piglet on a stool." We don't know what it really means. We've never seen a piglet on s stool. What it means to us is bedtime and sleep and a child who is secure enough to go to bed alone, even if every now and then she needs a little nighttime company.

How do you deal with sleep deprivation? Or were you blessed with amazing sleepers from the very beginning?

I Know She's Sick Because Every Time I Kiss Her Cheek She Says 'Thank You, Mama'

2012-01-06T10:43:00.000-08:00

Home, and working, with a sick toddler was not how I planned to spend my day. Home, yes. The sick toddler part? Not so much. One cancelled doctor appointment later, and from the comfort of the kitchen table I have heard Lady and the Tramp play through more than three times.  

One short nap preceded by Tylenol was ended by hunger because lunch didn't get eaten. I'm wondering if a second nap is in the works since there are still plenty of yawns coming from my feverish little sicky chicky.

And back I go to writing about flying fish facts and how anglers of all stripes should stick together. If it were up to me, I'd be snuggled up next to the Babby on the couch, reading on my Kindle Fire while she watches Lady and the Tramp. Again. But I think she knows that, since every time I kiss her cheeks to see if the fever has broken, she looks up and me and says "Thank you, mama."

You're welcome, little Babby. 

Almost at the End of Our Extended Rear Facing Journey

2012-01-05T08:09:00.000-08:00

On my ride into work today, I was thinking about how the Babby is almost three, and still sits backward in our car in her Britax Marathon Classic that we bought just before going to Europe. (She sat rear facing in Europe, too.) Now that I consider it, she may actually be the only one of her compatriots who still rides rear facing. 

It's a bit unusual around here to see an almost three-year-old looking out the back window instead of the front, but that's how we roll. I've written before about why I'm such a fan of extended rear facing, especially when it comes to smaller kids. 

But what I was really thinking about today as I chugged along in my mom-mobile was that there's a not miniscule chance that the Babby will weigh in over the rear facing weight limit at her next pediatrician appointment. 

!

It sort of blows my mind. The Babby has been, of course, rear facing in the car since she was born. (On planes, too, when she was in an infant car seat.) So the idea of her sitting forward facing once she hits 35 pounds is just... wow. 

Honestly, I would love to practice extended extended rear facing, but I don't think it's going to happen. Bottom line: We can't afford yet another rear facing car seat with a higher weight limit so she can stay rear facing longer. Unless someone wants to give us a seat to review, hint hint. 

And I guess I should start getting used to the idea that my little chick isn't a baby or even a toddler anymore. She is a cool little kid now, and in a month or so we'll find out if she's of a size to start enjoying the front facing view.

How about the other parents of wee ones out there... how long did your kiddos sit rear facing in their car seats? When did you make the switch, and why? Or are they still sitting rear facing at 3 or even beyond?

Wordless Wednesday: The Shoulder Ride, Then and Then and Now

2012-01-04T07:48:00.000-08:00

P.S. - More Christmas updates are coming, promise!

What I Want to Do In 2012: The Abbreviated Version

2012-01-02T11:19:00.000-08:00

I haven't gotten all of my new year's goals solidified. But I do know I want to spend plenty of time with this guy in 2012!

P.S. - Don't miss my mini year in review!

My Small Hopes for New Years 2012

2011-12-31T16:55:00.000-08:00

I never thought I'd ever have a 'worst year,' but I think I can say without much hesitation that 2011 was the worst year of my life. And yet compared to some of the trials that people across the globe have to endure daily, it's not saying much. My worst year has a First World Problems stink to it that makes me feel incredibly guilty. 

Mostly because lots of good things happened to me in 2011. Our trip to Germany and our paying off half of our non-mortgage debt load are the two biggies that come to mind. Little everyday joys were sprinkled throughout the year in abundance, too. The Babby's second birthday party... her first trip to a movie... my meeting new editorial services clients...we expanded the usable space in our house...

Oddly, my miscarriage happened in 2010, but so close to the transition from one year to the next that my brain just lumps it in with all of the 2011 detritus. And that led into my realizing that my freelance work at that time was not cutting the mustard, so I re-entered the rat race.

My plan is not to dwell on the yuckiness of 2011, though. I'm hoping that 2012 is going to be a banner year for the BabbyFamily. I don't make resolutions because I prefer to make plans. Maybe this year will see the expansion of my business. The expansion of the BabbyFamily. I wouldn't mind it if 2012 was the year in which there were some major lifestyle changes - or reversions, as it were.

Sitting here on the cusp of New Years 2012, I have no idea what life will throw at me. But I sure do hope that this is going to be the best year yet. (Or at the very least, not as sucky as the year before!)

Help for Migraines: Trying Out the HeadCoolie

2011-12-29T17:37:00.000-08:00

So I got a migraine today. Bad news, right? Not exactly. Well, bad because it's a migraine, but at least timely since a guy I work with had given me a HeadCoolie to review. And there I was, inconveniently just not getting headaches! But now here I sit, pain fully established right there between the eyes so I can finally write my review. 

Now I know that icey cold goodness isn't what everyone will turn to when seeking help for migraines. Some people actually like heat *shudder*. 

But this migraine sufferer? I like dark, quiet, drugs, and COLD. So much so that I have a freezer full of various ice pack type things meant to serve as migraine relief when drugs are unavailable or drugs need help. Unfortunately, most of the ice packs I have are either meant for things like thighs and so flat or multipurpose and so bulky. Picture wrapping a jumbo bag of frozen peas around your head with a winter scarf and you get the picture.

Not so the HeadCoolie. Check it:

I am like Flashdance chic in this thing, if Flashdance were an interpretive performance piece about having one's head feel like it is being cracked open from the inside by mallet-wielding gnomes. (Aargh.) Not that looking good is something I care about when I need migraine help. What I like is the fact that the HeadCoolie is scaled to a normal human head, which means that I can sit at the computer and write this with it on instead of being confined to bed lest the icey goodness shift out of place leaving me undefended from the pain.

Here's what the HeadCoolie website has to say:

HeadCoolie™ wraps comfortably to your head and provides a soothing, consistent pressure that gently cools and compresses blood vessels to help relieve the discomfort and pain of fevers and headaches, including migraines.

So it does. And here is another picture of me wearing it:

The verdict? I like it. The fact that it's not just another huge bulky ice pack is a plus. The fact that it could be adjusted to fit my daughter is also a plus. (I may be wearing the kid size right now, but I'm not sure.) This is a migraine remedy that could come with me to work and not look entirely ridiculous - though I'd still look a little ridiculous since pink headbands are not my usual look. All in all, for $20 I would definitely invest in a HeadCoolie if I didn't already have one since I am always looking for new ways to nip migraines in the bud. The only con, and this is just my opinion, is that the ice pack that fits inside the HeadCoolie didn't stay cold as long as the big ice packs. That's just science, folks. Luckily, the reusable ice packs come in packages of three, so it's no biggie to swap them out when they warm up.

Want one? You can get it here. Tell them the BabbyMama sent you!

Christmas Travel Leads to...

2011-12-28T07:11:00.000-08:00

...Christmas play! Truth be told, putting icing and sprinkles on all those Christmas cookies didn't take that long, which meant there was free time on our wee Christmas break for relaxation and playtime. 

I spent a (not) surprising amount of time reading and exercising - my two favorite things, I think. The BabbyDaddy spent a lot of time tasting various beers (leading to just a touch of Christmasy mawkishness that was maudlin yet apropos for the season) and playing with the Babby. 

The Babby spent a lot of time freezing her tush off out of doors, at the park and then "fishing" for my grandparents' poor goldfish. And opening presents and playing with presents and reading new books and old books and staying up far too late. I think she was finally asleep by 11 p.m. on Christmas Eve, which is probably the latest clock hour she's ever seen.

And yet, she didn't sleep in. Not even a little. 

Which is how you end up with this sort of thing (and then a delayed dinner because no one wants to wake the Babby who is sacked out on her papa):

Decorating Christmas Cookies!

2011-12-27T10:12:00.000-08:00

Considering how much effort I put into Christmas this year - which included baking Christmas cookies and then decorating Christmas cookies - of course I'm going to share some of the fun! A single Christmas recap post just doesn't seem right because this year, Christmas seemed to come in waves.

One of those waves? Was made of Christmas cookies. 

A lot of Christmas cookies - many not shown - which led to decorating Christmas cookies.

There's something particularly special about decorating Christmas cookies with a toddler little kid. Especially this little kid, because the Babby isn't one much for sweets. So there was a surprising lack of icing eating or pilfered cookies. In fact, I think she ate about two, and only at the prompting of her Babushka.

Anyone reading this on the paternal side of my family will recognize these cookies, as I used the matriarch's standard Christmas cookie recipe. These cookies are a family tradition, and I'm absolutely pleased as punch to be continuing this holiday tradition with my own little family. Not to mention introducing the other half of my family to it!

Aren't they pretty? (And a little messy, too, which is all part of the charm.)

In other news, I'm thinking about new one-year and five-year plans. I want 2012 to be my year - as opposed to 2011, which was just about the worst year of my entire life. Right now, I'm wheeling and dealing, business-wise and working on some personal projects, too. Are you making any New Year's resolutions? (I hate that term, ick.) And speaking of, are you doing anything for New Year's Eve? Because we're old and we're not - other than cracking the champagne we got for Christmas (maybe). 

The State of Our DIY Christmas

2011-12-21T07:44:00.000-08:00

Maybe you've noticed that my posting volume has dropped fairly dramatically this month, and you'd be right if you guessed that our DIY Christmas is the cause. That, and work and the BabbyDaddy's work and life in general, too. 

December has turned out to be far busier than I expected - which is both good and bad. Bad because I thought doing a totally DIY Christmas would be easy since my work volume had been shaping up to be low. Not that I'm complaining, but it does mean certain things have fallen by the wayside. The Babby's Christmas dress springs to mind as the best example of things that aren't going to get done. Oh, well.

But a busy month as also been good, because it meant that the anniversary of my twins being declared no longer alive came and went without my having much time to work myself up into a fizz of despair. When would I have even found minutes to mourn between stamping brown-bag wrapping paper or sewing little birds or trying to figure out more zippered crafts?

And the busyness continues, with the BabbyDaddy at home as I type this making sea salted caramels from scratch. In a few hours, I'll go home for lunch and cut our more birds since I changed my mind about what I will do with them and now eight is not nearly enough birds for my purposes. Immediately after work, I have to speed over to Michael's for a few last odds and ends. Mostly because our DIY Christmas experiment was an exercise in both successes and failures. Kindle covers? Not so great. Knitting? Works, but darn time consuming for the amateur. Sewing? Is all on my plate until the BabbyDaddy learns to use the machine. 

Maybe next year?

It's not all rush rush rush, I suppose, though it feels that way. Random blessings have come along - like my good friend Jess lending us her stamping gear so we could make wrapping paper... and giving me blank gift tags, too. The management company of the building I work in gave the office a chocolate stack, and I have appropriated most of the boxes so we now have packaging for the above-mentioned caramels. Various little bits of ribbon have found their way into the house, so our packaged presents should look quite festive, if not a little mismatched. But too much matchy-matchy is never good, anyway.

 Now that the end of DIY Christmas is in sight, I'm hoping that January is a much more relaxed month. At least for a little bit before I start working on my 2012 business goals, which I'll talk about in another post. 

In case I don't have time to say it later: 

Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah

from the BabbyFamily!

Family Planning and the J-O-B: A Question for All the Full-Time Working Mamas

2011-12-17T12:08:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been wondering how other working mothers out there approach family planning. I'm aware, of course, that in many cases, families just happen - nothing wrong with that, considering it's why I and quite a few of my siblings are here. But what I'm curious about is how those women who were working and knew they would continue to work, by necessity, not by choice*, approached pregnancy.

For those not in the know, there is still plenty of hostility out there toward pregnancy and parenthood motherhood in the workplace. The U.S. is arguably the first world country that is the most hostile, with the least support for working parents of both genders. Figuring out work and motherhood is something that most women have to figure out for themselves, and there are basically no rules to the game.

Plus, as much as it absolutely is not supposed to be legal to fire a woman for getting pregnant or for having a child, it happens all the time under the guise of downsizing or departmental layoffs. 

So in my mind, the choice to become pregnant is one that must always be necessarily fraught with, oh, something approaching sheer terror. When my mind wanders into the realm of family planning, my thoughts run thusly:

I would be let go as soon as I started to show
I would be let go as soon as I mentioned maternity leave
I would be let go during maternity leave as soon as a replacement was secured
I would be regarded as "less dedicated" (whatever that means)
I would not be able to "handle it" (whatever that means)
I would be regarded as not being able to "handle it," thus providing the company with a reason for letting me go
The company is too small to be required to provide any maternity leave
I get leave, but it's unpaid leave (likely the case - there is no maternity section in the employee handbook)
I get leave, and during my leave they teach someone in the Philippines to do my job for $1/day
It all goes great, but my baby is born prematurely and that screws everything up
Working from home won't be an option (big problem)
Etc.

I guess my question is, does everyone who will be combining pregnancy and work and then parenthood and work agonize over these questions? Or is it just me?

When I had the Babby, there was no need to think about family planning beyond 'I work from home, so this will be not a problem.' Now I'm in an office setting, in a workplace that is mainly made up of people without children and the only people who do have children are dads - one of whom has grown-up children, one of whom has a SAHW to watch his children, and one of whom is divorced and thus only sees his child via Skype. Sympathy for a pregnancy - as in, anyone being cool enough to sit down with me to figure out a flex arrangement - will be non-existent. It will be up to me to figure out a plan of attack and to convince my boss that it is the right thing to do (and also his idea, since that can be helpful).

But does everyone have to do this? Is this just what family planning is like for full-time working mothers? 

I am absolutely up to this challenge, of course. I just wish it didn't have to be this way.

*Sorry to exclude the non-working mamas or the mamas who have the option to work or not as they like it because the money is there, but if getting fired would be no big deal it's just not going to be the same thing.

When Homemade Christmas Gifts Take a Back Seat to Life

2011-12-14T06:41:00.000-08:00

The lead up to Christmas? Intense. I'm not surprised, exactly, but I didn't foresee how much work would suddenly come my way, including amazing freelance work I had to turn down because there was no way to square it with my office job. And so my homemade Christmas gifts have been sitting, waiting for my attention. A few things have gotten done, as in all the way done.

A lot of other things still need to get finished up in, oh, a week and a half. Eep! 

(Good thing I work well under pressure, since that's how I'm working at the moment.)

Things just need to stop happening. I told my coworker this morning that I'd like a half hour each day where time doesn't actually move forward so I could fit a little more in. Then the cat getting bitten wouldn't have been such a big deal and the Babby having some bedtime issues wouldn't get in the way and more of my Christmas decorations would be done. 

I'm actually surrounded by half-done tasks, and that drives me nuts. Do I check them off my to-do list when I know I'm just going to have to put them back on again? 

At least I had a little fun courtesy of my lovely mom and her late-ish birthday gift of a hefty gift card, which let me go on a virtual shopping spree. For those wondering, yes, I spent it on myself - which is precisely why she sent a gift card. If you give me cash, you can be pretty sure I will apply it directly to bills. 

January? ... Well, since I can't sleep through it, maybe I can coast through it. Hopefully it will be as oddly warm as December has been around here.

The Big Question: If and When to Have a Baby

2011-12-11T12:21:00.000-08:00

The question should I have a child is one that some people ask themselves and some don't. There are those who know, have always known, what the answer is. And then there are the ones who are never given the opportunity to ask the question because the decision is made for them. Others go back and forth and back and forth until they finally make a choice but even then they never feel entirely sure.

We asked ourselves and the answer was yes. Or perhaps I should say that the answer was the Babby, because she is the answer come to life.

Then we asked ourselves again and the answer was also yes, at least until my miscarriage really drove home that we didn't have enough money coming in to support my staying at home. 

(And that's without the usual luxuries like cable and dining out and new clothes and so on - stay tuned for a future post about when staying at home really isn't an option.)

The neonatologist who was assigned to my high risk twin pregnancy felt strongly that we'd be back soon. I suppose that after a miscarriage a lot of people do want to get pregnant again as soon as it's healthy to do so. I did. I do. But it wasn't to be. I sometimes wonder if the neonatologist ever wondered what happened to us.

(2011 really was a crumbum year.)

Now the question of if and when to have a baby has come up again. Maybe it has something to do that we're coming up on the one-year anniversary of the day we found out the twins were dead. Which is also my mom's birthday. Sorry, mom. 

People around me are pregnant again or thinking about getting pregnant or taking cutesy Christmas pictures with their multiple kiddos. Not meaning to remind yours truly of the big... gap in our household where there ought to have been more people. Maybe it's weird that I still feel like there's a hole where twins ought to have been in our family.

Is that terrible?

Of course, it's no longer as fun a question as it was. I imagine myself pregnant and never, ever looking at the ultrasounds so I don't have to see a dead silhouette, just in case. I work now, outside the house. I haven't gotten the go-ahead to work from home exclusively. I can't even begin to fathom maternity leave - not that I could afford it, since two in daycare would be one too many to pay for on my salary.

And then I think that maybe sticking with one will let us give her every possible advantage in life (that we are able to at our income level and with the help of family) versus possibly struggling a bit harder to provide the best possible start for two.

Meh, true story: It's all excuses to avoid having another miscarriage, really. Pregnancy will never again be fun like it was the first time around.

ON AN UP NOTE, HERE IS A VIDEO OF MY CLOCK:

NEWSFLASH: Santa and Elves Hate the Poor

2011-12-07T07:42:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to say that I've spent a lot of time on the is Santa Claus real question, but there's a chance that I've meditated more on the whole Santa and elves thing than a lot of other folks. That's vague, sure. But I actually have no idea whether other moms and dads overthink Christmas like yours truly. Could be that every parent carefully thinks about involving Santa and his elves in the Christmas celebrations. (I just don't know, so feel free to weigh in.)

For obvious reasons, it's been on my mind lately. The Babby can definitely identify Santa as iconography. Upon seeing a decoration on someone's house, for instance, she'll say, "I see a Santa!" I don't know, though, whether she recognizes Santa as a person, real or imaginary. I'm not even sure how to ask her without putting ideas into her head. At the moment, I don't think it matters much. The Babby likes Christmas, likes presents, likes the trappings of the holidays without really grasping any of the significance.

Re: Santa, here's the conclusion I've come to: 

If the Babby asks point blank is Santa Claus real, I'm going to say no. (If she's absolutely convinced Santa exists, beats me...) And we're not going to tell her that Santa is anything more than a game people play. Thus far, it hasn't come up. No one has told her that Santa will bring presents and for that I am grateful. If/When they do, we'll talk about how it's a fun part of Christmas that some people take more seriously than others.

You see, I've decided that I don't like Santa Claus. Isn't that just terrible? Aren't I just the grinchiest? The BabbyMama is just a mean ol' Santa hater! Why, you ask? Here are my five reasons for disliking Santa and elves and lumps of coal and Christmas lists and all that jazz.

1. Santa apparently dislikes poor kids. Why else would he bring them so little and bring rich kids so much? At a certain age, kids notice that kind of thing. Even if we, as a family, had all the money in the world, I still would not want to make our Christmas into an orgy of consumerism - so the Babby would still be wondering why Santa brought her so much less. (And I know a lot of kids didn't envy other kids' big Christmas hauls, but I did!)

2. Santa is not part of the home economy. Parents playing Santa are. Maybe I'm just a humbug, but encouraging the idea that presents come from nowhere - from magic or a workshop not bound by the household economy - seems like a recipe for disappointment. I mean, if Santa is magic, why can't he just make the sold out or uber expensive toy? I want the Babby to understand that presents cost money or time or effort, and that's what makes them valuable. Which brings me to...

3. Santa encourages unrealistic expectations. (Except in those oh-so-sad post office Christmas letters where the little ones ask Santa for things like a winter coat and a job for dad.) At what other time of year do we encourage children to make a huge list of things they want? Usually being greedy is a bad thing.

4. Santa is not a necessary part of the magic of Christmas. The truth is, I can never remember a time where I actually believed in Santa Claus. For me, at least in the early years I can remember, it was a game. I knew my mom was Santa, and maybe that's because we celebrated in the European style and we didn't have a lot of money. The magic was Jesus and the Nativity and in the decorations and the music and the parties and the specialness of the time of year. Not in a fat and jolly reverse burglar.

5. Santa isn't real, and I can't figure out how to lie about it. Don't get me wrong, the Babby is two so we do tell her little white lies with some frequency. For example, if pressed, I would say there's no candy in the house even though there is candy. If she asked me what the word holocaust meant - goodness knows where she'd hear it, but who knows - my answer would not exactly be the truth. If I was scared of a scary nighttime noise, I would still tell her that I wasn't so she wouldn't then be scared that I was scared. And yet, I just can't bring myself to say "Santa is coming" or "Santa is watching from the North Pole" or anything like that.

Yes, I know it's all in fun. And oddly, I don't have nearly as much of an issue with the Easter Bunny, though I don't know that I'll perpetuate that myth, either. As I said earlier, right now avoiding the whole Santa issue is easy. In the future, when it becomes more of a peer issue, it's going to get a lot more difficult. In part because I don't want her to ruin anyone else's fun. How will I handle that... who knows.

I'd love to hear advice from other parents who don't do the whole Santa thing!

PayPal: The New Grinch Who Stole Regretsy's Christmas

2011-12-06T06:33:00.000-08:00

Goodness me... I use PayPal for business invoices, but I'm not sure I'm going to do that anymore after reading this. I've never been a huge fan of Regretsy's April Winchell, mainly because of her opinions regarding certain elements of weddings, but I am a fan of giving toys to needy kids at Christmas. Which is what Winchell set out to do.

Her one mistake? Using PayPal to collect the funds - oh, and apparently using the donate button. The same donate button utilized by many non-nonprofit bloggers to raise a little dough. And correcting the problem was, according to the PayPal rep, also a problem. Maybe because the amount Winchell collected was too big... maybe because she used the donate button... maybe maybe maybe. 

The PayPal representative who Winchell spoke to seemed pretty unclear on the company's policies. 

"You can use the donate button to raise money for a sick cat, but not poor people." 

LOL WUT?

Since I love a good mob and I'm not a big fan of anyone who wants to get between people who want to give poor kids toys on Christmas and the poor kids themselves, I'm currently participating in the scene on PayPal's official Facebook page. I emailed PayPal's PR reps, since they ought to know that the company has committed a pretty big public relations faux pas. And now I am monitoring the news to see whether PayPal - a pretty mediocre company overall - is going to issue an official statement apologizing for their Christmas grinchery.

Oh, and my biggest issue? PayPal made money on the whole thing... twice. See a rundown at the bottom of this piece. And this is a good review of PayPal's own terms of service - which appear to have no problem with a non-nonprofit collecting donations.

UPDATE as of Dec. 6

A Homemade Holiday Update

2011-12-04T19:56:00.000-08:00

Leave it to work to blow up in December, when I'm trying to make homemade holiday presents and decorate the house and sew a Christmas dress for the Babby. I don't even have the pieces cut yet - so do me a favor and don't ask about it!

But progress is being made, slowly but surely. Tonight, after going out to celebrate a lovely friend's birthday, I sewed what I think will be all the Mister Bluebirds (from a pattern found at Spool Sewing) I need to make the presents that involve Mister Bluebird. Who in my case is everything but blue. Oh, they're not done, though. Their little tails still need to be sewn shut. 

It's like every checked off to-do just leads to another to-do!

It's been that kind of weekend - a working weekend. Good because I earned money. Even a big stack of cash money that went right into the bank. Lame, too, because I didn't get to spend much time either with my family or busting out homemade holiday crafts. 21 days until Christmas says the sign on the local Christmas house. Ack! Don't remind me!

Not much I can do to avoid it, though... check out my living room! (I'm considering sewing a Christmas bunting we could trot out in future years. I <3 bunting.) If you can't beat it, join it... right?

P.S. - If you could choose: salted caramels, cocoa rolled truffles, or mini cake balls?

Us Budget? Just Trying to Figure Out Where the Money Goes!

2011-12-03T11:22:00.000-08:00

I have this sneaky idea in my head. 

It involves figuring out exactly how much the BabbyDaddy's income would have to go up for me to be able to stay home. I'm including minor freelancing on my part in the calculations - maybe (hopefully?) leading to major freelancing, but starting small and manageable. And I'm talking exactly. Like a nice tight zero balance budget (+ emergency fund) that would have us paying off our debts but not doing a lot of traditional fun stuff. Maybe a weekly budget. 

I don't really know yet. Anyone have any ideas?

Using an online budget calculator doesn't seem quite right because my income, such as it is, outside of regular employment is variable. My sneaky idea sometimes extends to trying to figure out how many raises the BabbyDaddy would need to score to enable me to not include my freelance income in the overall calculation - in which case I'd put all of that money into paying off debts and building up savings. 

So I found a variable budget calculator - thanks, Dave Ramsey! - that lets you use sliders and adjust the amounts going to any one category or multiple categories after providing a recommended budget amount. The verdict? I won't be resigning my position any time soon unless my outside income adjusts to compensate or the BabbyDaddy's situation changes. 

Ah, well. It's something to work toward, anyway! Thanks a lot, budget calculator.

This is why I get so incensed when I come across occasional sanctimonious articles and blog posts preaching a two-fold message about how moms are "selfish for wanting to work" and moms wouldn't have to work if they'd just "stop buying lattes". It's even worse at the library... A while back I thought I'd look into what resources might be out there for families looking to transition to one income. Or in my case, one and a quarter incomes.

Guess what I found?

A whole lot of books admonishing people like me to stop shopping for shoes... to stop with the lattes... to give up our once-a-week professional housecleaners... to sell off our second cars... to stop eating out so often... to cook at home and make more things and buy on sale or secondhand and cancel cable and magazines... In other words, all things we did a long time ago or have never had to start with or just plain don't care about. 

I'm not really sure who the author of these books are or who they think their audience is (actually not true, they think their audience is made up of latte-swilling, power suit wearing, luxury-lovin' ladies with maids) but it sure as heck isn't DIY-friendly, water drinkin', old clothes wearing, homemade gift makin' me!

Back to the drawing board, I guess...

Prayers of Thankfulness for the Lows in Your Life

2011-11-30T08:53:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had it happen that you're faced with an idea or a lesson over and over again? Like someone - God? The Universe? [insert your influencer here]? - is putting it in front of your brain for a reason. The idea is suddenly everywhere. Or it feels, to you, like you can't turn around or click a link without seeing it or some variation of it.

Has that ever happened to you? Because it's currently happening to me.

My corner of blogland is suddenly full of people who are pointedly expressing gratitude for things that wouldn't normally make anyone feel all that grateful. At site after site I encounter writers saying prayers of thankfulness for the lows in their lives. It's an intriguing idea, no? Like Corrie and Betsy in The Hiding Place, thankful in the end for fleas in their bunks.

It's also something I am very, very bad at.

After all, why should I be thankful for things that are so obviously unpleasant or devastating or painful? The answer, of course, is that no situation or circumstance exists in a vacuum. Almost nothing that happens - save, I think, for the death of a child - will ever be a true black hole of pain from which absolutely no light can escape. 

This, my friends, has been a terrible year for me. And yet not nearly as terrible as it has been for millions of people across the world. There have been blessings, too, all wrapped up with the unpleasantness so hard to extricate from lingering wounds. It's been a bad year, but also a confusing one. Even I can't understand everything I'm feeling.

The fact that prayers of thankfulness for the lows are making the rounds might not mean anything in particular, but I do love a good trend. Might as well hop on board, right? Here is my abbreviated attempt to feel gratitude for some of the things it's hard to be grateful for:

1. My miscarriage - Terrible, awful. I still smart in my heart when I see twins. But the blessing two babies would have been in and of themselves would have come at the expense of our budget. No joke, we would have been broke. Like lose your house broke. I'm not kidding. Miscarrying may have saved us from a whole host of other miseries. Can I say that for sure? No, of course not, but it's the only upside I can see so consider this grasping at gratitude.

2. My job - Is a job, which many people cannot find at the moment. The pay is far lower than what I'd make in the city for the same work, but it's pay and it's close to home and to daycare. Not a day goes by where I don't wish I was a hobby-employed SAHM, enjoying the Babby's best hours seven days a week and devoting most of my attentions to the home economy. But since we haven't yet figured out how to make that happen, I am thankful for the job I have.

3. My money worries - Would I like to be richy richy rich rich? Absolutely, but I didn't come from, marry into it, or pick a profession that typically leads to it so I'm kind of out of luck. But in a way I'm grateful because not having oodles of cash has certainly made me more thankful for the things I do have, more sensitive to the plight of the truly needy, more enterprising and resilient, and more creative about how I make use of the resources available to me. In other words, if I could just go out and buy all the things I wanted, I would not have developed many of the (admittedly minor and still undeveloped) skills I have now.

4. My small family - If I had the means, I think I'd want a big family. Provided I could get the BabbyDaddy on board. But I don't have the means, and that's a part of why my family is still a family of three. What's there to be grateful for? 

Well, I can currently devote all of the time I do have to the Babby and the BabbyDaddy. The house is easier to keep clean - as one of seven children, I know this to be true. I have a little time that I wouldn't have otherwise to pursue my own interests and earn some extra money. Travel is easier. Life costs less and our house is still just the right size. Would I like another baby? Oh yes, so much. And secretly twins, though that ship's never coming back to port. But I can be thankful for the benefits that come with a small family, too.

Rejoice always, pray constantly, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus. 

(1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)