Way to Blue

Welcome to my life... again

2005-12-29T23:28:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my life... again
Originally uploaded by teknonhatheou.

So I finally got my latest vlog up and running. It's good to finally be back. I think I might no worry too much about getting the old stuff up and running, life as it is right now holds enough wonder to tell about daily (not that I will, but I certainly want to). Peace.

Delays

2005-12-29T17:12:00.000-05:00

I feel like somewhat of a failure for not being faithful with this blog/vlog. I had a passion for it months ago. I had hoped, in that passion, to make all kinds of new friends. I had hoped to connect with some people that I would have otherwise never connected with. That hope, having fallen on hard times and stern procrastination, has turned into an obstacle. I feel now that even if I succeed at being faithful with this blog I've fallen too far into the dust, forgotten amongst the ethereal and dissippating pages of the internet
I have been trying to get back into the scene but for whatever reason I keep finding road blocks whenever I try to post a video. It didn't cross my mind that I could write a little, which is obvious now.
Regardless I will inconsistently ply my efforts into making this website alive.

About things past and things that might be

2005-08-27T20:45:00.000-05:00

A letter I sent to a friend that explains the current status of my life. I also joined a band that is slowly starting and hopefully going to hit like a volcanic mountain full in the face. Now, the letter:

Dear Lauren,

Alright, you are long due a good solid email. And though I attempt this now there are no garauntees for its quality.

I went to Florida a few weeks ago, as you know, to visit two friends of mine that I met three years ago at a cheap day camp near my house. The summer i met them I was "in love" (I use quotes to denote a naive approach at something I did not then understand. It was more obssession and need than love) with a girl. This girl and I were too young truly to know much of worth about life... well, at the very least she didn't want me. I couldn't blame her because what I wanted was for her to fulfill me and I wanted to possess her. THese two friends from Florida that I met, Megan and Janelle, well when my attempts with this other girl fell apart Megan and Janelle were there to make me feel attractive and desireable. I don't think i've run into a stronger drug.

The summer ended and I had a tragic though redeeming year at school. I made promises to visit these two friends down in Florida but the planets didn't align for that trip till recently.

I went down to Florida with a foolish attitude, not just a lack of preparation against temptation but a willingness to follow whatever fit chose to possess me under the fair and hot skies of Ft. Lauderdale. Obviously it went badly for me, though at the time I saw nothing but pleasure, it was certainly a trap set against me to make me change course from the Sudan, which God had not said no to, and choose some other plan outside of his will.

Part of me wanted to live in Florida and be wanted so badly that the trap almost worked. I was lonely and frustrated with life at home, having no plain purpose and no outlet for my gifts and only a tentative hold on a godly obedient character. It was a well timed and executed plan. If not for God's own Spirit in me and His tenacious hold on my prayers, that He would lead me to the right, I would have followed what I saw as right in my own eyes.

I had a conversation with my parents about it one night wherein I bared a portion more of the climate of my soul than I had before. Something about that conversation finally convinced me not to move to Florida, and it wasn't a decision made by my parents. They supported me in whatever I would choose, even though I thought it not the wisest of things to do. My heart became more clear to me. I found that I didn't actually desire Florida for myself. And though I love my friends down there, and none of this was any fault of theirs, that place is not the best place for me to be. The reason, merely because God is not leading me there so I'd be without him in that city.

So I'm back to the harder path, an impossible mission to liberate the people of Darfur... a proud statement? Maybe. God will lead me. If he chooses to accomplish that work in me, or some other work that I have not yet imagined, he will accomplish it by his means and in his time, even though I am a worm of a man.

Also, and this is in ways a scarier thing to face, I think he may lead me to love that obssession of mine from the past. I had prayed a prayer long years ago that, if God were willing, he would work my life and the life of this girl so that the two of us could be husband and wife. Is it possible that this is coming to be? I think it is possible. I wait still on God's movement in it for, you see, the girl still has a boyfriend that she doesn't truly desire in her heart of hearts. If and when they break up, if God still hasn't said no, I'm pursuing her.

You might wonder, "Well Sean, isn't this just another obssession?" I would say yes if I was the same as that young impulsive boy three years ago and if she two were the same troubled girl. Well i'm still impulsive, but in a thousand inexplicable ways we are different people, though the same in every central and enduring facet.

Um... is that good for now? I'm helping to plan a prayer service for the Sudan at the church i work at (as a janitor) to join with all the other events happening on the 21st of September all across the nation devoted to helping and remembering the oppressed in the Darfur region of the Sudan. Hopefully a lot of people will attend and we will get a press release off to the local news. Hopefully people will be moved and my next step towards that country will become clear. They are in need and I am willing to set myself on the hands of God to accomplish the impossible, though i can't imagine it and certainly can't accomplish it. Truly I can scarce believe it. Thanks be to God for his enduring and free grace.

Thanks for sending my info on how you're doing and what you're up to. I haven't read the whole thing due to laziness... I've been terribly lazy this summer, it's horrible... but I will read it.

Peace and Sincerity,
Sean

I'm Back!

2005-07-25T09:52:00.000-05:00

I'm Back!
Originally uploaded by teknonhatheou.

Wow... it's been way too long. It's been a tough couple of months between graduating and putting my life together. I couldn't vlog for so long because we didn't have broadband at home until like a week ago (and I would have had this vlog up sooner too but Movie Maker has been the crappiest program lately). Really these are just excuses. A more die hard Vlogger would not have let these troubles get in his/her way. Oh well, is it better late than never? Will the Vloggosphere still accept me? I'm a little nervous... especially since this vlog's editing is pretty bad (I blame Movie Maker. I'm switching to Vegas 4/5 as soon as I get one little hiccup fixed). Ok... I hope you all like the Bouncing Souls.

My Spokesman

2005-06-03T00:26:00.000-05:00

In the depth of silent December,
flow tingle.
Skin tightens in the cold, hands,
limbs,
flimsical blasting
Iron
The heavy breeze of a moonless night
lazily on arm
coiling sluths
Method my skin
Carry's the precious
individual hair strands to grasp
At the warmth escaping
Her eyes were pretty, Dark incest.
I imagined them
glancing
As winter caressed my freezing soul
But never once
did I see you.
Savior.
Help! the missing.
Above the crunch of snow
I whisper
love...
And she turned Heaven
melted
her tongue
Like so many dying flakes;
shiver...

oh soul embolden.

Flicker Flash

2005-06-03T00:09:00.000-05:00

Flicker Flash

flicker flash
and sing my candle sweet, waxen beauty, in slick symphony
dance upon my table like the graceful orange day
listen to me whimper
and flow upon the breath of a weary winter's day
heat of melting flow touched upon my fingertips
and the cold air kissed me tenderly
lovely shape, oh Heavenly body
come close to me again and say you hate me
leave me to shudder, happy in my throes of pain so dear
flickering, it burnt low
the lighted candle on the table
I had been sitting for hours
time slipped away
all the while I thought of you...
do not leave me love
for I am destitute.

A Response to Darfur

2005-05-07T15:37:00.000-05:00

A Response to Darfur
Originally uploaded by teknonhatheou.

This is my response to the post that Aaron Flores put up on theVoiz.com. I hope I come across well, I know I have some pretty serious fanatical tendencies. I called the Department of Secretary of State Robert Zoellick, he wasn't there but his secretary was really nice and he is doing what he can to help those in Darfur. Give him some encouragement. Also contact your senators, their info can easily be found on the web. Also get in touch with the White House (seriously! I mean why not take it to all the big uppity-ups if we believe it should be done). You have a voice and that means power, use it for the good.

Robert Zoellick Department Secretary of State:
phone: 202-647-9641
fax: 202-647-6047
address: Attn: Department Secretary of State Robert Zoellick
Sweet 7220
2201 C Street northwest
Washington DC 20520

The White House:
Address: The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, DC 20500

Comments: 202-456-1111
Switchboard: 202-456-1414
FAX: 202-456-2461

President George W. Bush: president@whitehouse.gov
Vice President Richard Cheney: vice.president@whitehouse.gov

My Confession

2005-05-07T12:40:00.000-05:00

My Confession
Originally uploaded by teknonhatheou.

Watch the one before this first, Fire and Forties, just for the sake of chronology. This entry is the morning after and I am voicing some severe regrets. I hope my emotions make sense to you all, feel free to ask me any questions you may have.

Fire and Forties

2005-05-07T12:31:00.000-05:00

Fire and Forties
Originally uploaded by teknonhatheou.

This is from April 21st, I'm really behind in editing and posting. Just a few guys going out to drink forties on a bridge and enjoy eachother's company. Its pretty dark most of the time and the sound is a little hard to hear, so turn up your volume and squint.

Early Vlogging Jitters Part 2

2005-05-03T20:20:00.000-05:00

Early Vlogging Jitters Part 2
Originally uploaded by teknonhatheou.

Here's part two. The coolest thing here is my question about American Freedom. The documentary project I talk about in this one has changed though. The new question is this: Has America, in her pursuit of material wealth, become spiritually poor? My friend Scottie and I hope to determine this by exploring Western Europe and Eastern Europe, which are on either ends of the material wealth spectrum (does that make sense?).

Pipes at Dawn

2005-04-26T17:30:00.000-05:00

Pipes at Dawn
Originally uploaded by teknonhatheou.

So this is kind of out of order. This is actually my second Vlog but Ourmedia gave me the URL for the third one before I got it for this one. Eh well, shouldn't effect you at all.

Early Vlogging Jitters

2005-04-26T13:26:00.000-05:00

Early Vlogging Jitters
Originally uploaded by teknonhatheou.

So I'm getting used to the vlog. This post is probably a week old cause I've been so busy. I've got loads more if you'll be patient with me to edit my footage. There are maybe three parts to this post just cause I got carried away and didn't stop talking and I didn't want to overwhelm you all with one video.

tired and restless and personal

2005-04-25T22:14:00.000-05:00

I'm not going to write much tonight, I'm tired and I need to wake up early tomorrow. I've been having some trouble with smoking. I've quit cigarettes with a few mess ups; I find that if I don't drink then I don't run into the temptation to smoke them. But tonight and last night I smoked a pipe and though pipes aren't really that big a deal they still have nicotine and they can still be addictive. So of course I have a problem with it (anything addicitive I have a problem with). I feel nervous about it, worried that tomorrow I'll have the same desire and I'll give in, but if I let that kind of perspective persist then I'll be pre-defeated. I just gotta stick it out and be tougher tomorrow (God help me).
I know there's a larger issue at hand here but its hard to pinpoint. I've got this question in my head, do I have peace? Am I seeking peace? Have I ever felt peace? I'm a very restless person. Restlessness has characterized my life for who knows how long, but its been really bad since I've been at college. These questions I will have to sleep on... I don't know if I'll find my peace tonight.
On top of that I have romantic issues. If it were in my person to give up on the whole issue I would and then be happy being single. I don't know if most people can understand my predicament. There's always "this girl..." and it doesn't matter who she is she is the same. She doesn't see me. She doesn't see the me that I am, underneath all of the weaknesses and dirt and failure. She doesn't see and hope in my potential (what a lame word, I feel like a child even using it). And it doesn't matter what I do. I'm on the verge of jumping out of my skin to hunt down anyone (no just anyone... I'm not so desperate for that, I mean anyone of the girls that I've loved in the past) just to see if I've got what it takes... and that there makes me question whether or not I'm looking for the right reasons. But then the age old frustration "What the hell kind of attitude should I have and when the hell will I have it?". Most of you I don't think get my position... you'd probably tell me to just go and date someone, just start looking and when you find, go. I don't know if I work that way. Maybe I'm just a loser.

and I wish I could get more video up. I'm waiting on Ourmedia.com to clear it but I've heard there's been some trouble with that site and it's interaction with Archive.org. I've got loads more footage that I haven't edited yet and I don't have the time right now... which sucks cause I just started and I want people to get to know me. Sometimes you just feel trapped.

a brief status report

2005-04-22T23:47:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to post that I'm away from school helping my older brother move into his new apartment. I've got lots of video that I've been recording but I just haven't had the time to edit and post. I've got a little footage of some friends at a campfire under a bridge after some 40s; my plans for the summer and fall (my first really comfortable vlog) and some personal video of me the morning after backsliding and smoking pot again. Exciting times are at hand! Don't be scared by the fact that I don't have pictures up yet and less than a minute of video. Stick with me while I drop all academic responsibility and vlog my brains out!

An Unofficial Introduction

2005-04-22T12:58:00.000-05:00

Finally! Finally I have broken through into the vlogosphere. My thanks to Jay and Aaron who inspired and enabled me. I know this isn't much to start with (the reason I say its unofficial) maybe I'll make a more polished introduction later. Its just taken me so long to get here that I want to post ASAP. It would've had a picture but www.flickr.com is having a massage(?) right now so I couldn't post it. EH well, here's my very first Vlog:

An Unofficial Introduction

By the by I'm using windows media player format. Someone please email and tell me where I can get the software to change my video to QuickTime as that seems to be the favored format. Peace.

Memories of a quiet pain

2005-04-17T20:13:00.000-05:00

I worked at this camp this past summer. I made a mistake there and had to resign. I was looking at some pictures from that summer just because I'm masochistic and felt like having my heart torn up. I don't really know what to say about it. I know some of the staff people I worked with read my blog so part of me doesn't want to express myself honestly... I hate the part of me that made that decision, almost hate myself for it. And I want to blame someone else for it too, I don't want to be the one who made the decision to leave, the one who said "oh hell, I don't really care about this place anyway..." I didn't actually say that in words but I did in actions. It is the plague of drug addiction.
Anyway, so I was looking at these pictures and feeling down about myself, missing the people more than I can bear to feel, and feeling so personally worthless that the administration of the camp doesn't have faith enough in me to hire me again. I don't blame them, my life has been a long story of disappointing others and I know that I don't look like much. The worst thing is that I know the administration personally (or did) and they believed in me before. I loved working at the camp because they believed in me, I felt inspired by it. Course that alone wasn't enough to save me from my damned weakness, but... I believe, believe and even know that God has delivered it from me (the hard part is keeping the heart and presence of mind to keep from going back).
But its all old news, just some painful streams that I'm building bridges over (or wading through so toughen my feet on slick and sharp rocks cause the hardness that faces me in my life... its enough to kill a man what I just feel like I will face). Just keeping you in touch with my sorrow (I don't know why though... if I do it too much people won't want to read this blog.) I do have a good life, I am blessed in ways you couldn't even imagine and that I could never communicate. I am full of life as though it were fuel that never burned out, food that my stomach could never exhaust, water that cures you of thirst. I thank God for my life, even for the hard stuff this past summer because of what it did to help my kick my addiction. In his eyes the hurt is worth it... and it is in mine if it keeps me from bigger mistakes later.
God give you peace.

The Novacaine Trap

2005-04-15T15:32:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine sent this to me in an email and said I could do what I want with it... so of course I'm posting it. In this he talks about that Christian buzzword "sin". For those of you who live outside of the Christian bubble, the subculture of the churched, this is my personal definition of sin: Any action or thought that stands in opposition to what God created you to be and do... now the danger in this is that people will say "serious!? wow I should do what's completely natural to me." The Biblical response to this statement: humanity as a whole has rebelled against God's original created order (based on love) and now lives in a world based on hate (if you think I'm way off base just take a look at the world around you, suffering and death are facts). So nothing we do since birth is completely in accordance with what God originially intended for us cause he intended for us to be perfect (in an ideal sense, not a self-righteous nor a robotic sense). Anyway, here are my friend's thoughts:

"Do you ever come to peculiar conclusions? Well here is my most recent discovery. Life in sin sucks. It’s like a bad shot of Novocain. Now here’s what I mean by that. Novocain is a drug for numbing right? It numbs your senses so you can’t feel what’s going on around you. You’ve all been preached to before that sin numbs you to more sin and more sin and then you don’t even notice your decay, but what I mean extends far beyond that point. It’s a numbing of the senses, Food doesn’t taste as good, music doesn’t sound as clear, colors aren’t as bright, a warm shower doesn’t feel as soothing and a flower doesn’t smell as sweet. You are caught in a Novocain trap. But here’s the kicker- it numbs your emotions. It’s not like you are feeling sad all of the time, no it’s much worse. You feel nothing at all, you feel dead. Only the dead or dying are without emotion. When you are consumed with sin you happiness is only sort of happy and your sadness is only sort of sad. At first this seems like it might be a good thing. I mean if you are depressed why not dive into debauchery and enjoy the thrill of it right? All it will do is numb your depression. But the sin doesn’t make you alive, the numbness does not ease the pain. No! it’s so much worse, it kills you! It takes away your emotions and pushes you closer to life of a dead man. If you have a hidden sin- get rid of it and feel the blood flow your veins again. Bask in the new surge of emotions, enjoy the freedom of freedom! We have all tasted the fruit of the Garden of Eden, so let’s enjoy the fruit of the spirit. Allow the emotions, good and bad, to be free. That’s what makes us human. Emotions are not always easy, in fact more often than not they are harder to deal with than the numbness. But in the words of the goo goo dolls, “You bleed, just to know you’re alive”. Do you want to live your life as a man waiting to die or live your life as man with rushing blood in his veins. I want blood in my veins! I want to live! I want to suck the marrow of life! I will not fall into the Novocain trap."

Picture of Jesus

2005-04-12T12:35:00.000-05:00

It amazes me how everyday I wake up the sun rises new. New shades of pink and red and orange reflected on new sculptures and patterns of cloud. It amazes me how the world wakes under those fresh rays of sunlight, things that never even move like trees and rocks vibrate with the pastel soft of new light.
On the other end of things I am amazed again at the passing of this firey giant, how it sets our sky to flame with its setting. It is no wonder that the ancient world looked at the sun and thought of the supernatural, there is more to heaven in that astral figure than there is to science. I don't think that the furnace itself is anything beyond our mortal realm, but the one who stokes the flame and drags it across the air, that One is awesome, far greater than we puny Americans and all of our objective musings. I love the sun and the beauty that is crafted from its light.
But this is beauty in the physical sense and though that can be stirring, and rightfully so, it is not the most stirring. I think when we look at story heroes. The ideal kind that, fueled by hope and love alone, break down the impossible and deadly barriers, even to the point of dying, to save those who are helpless. We have lots of stories like that, many are forgotten. And just like how the sun has more reality in the supernatural, in the meaning it carries, than in its physical body so do these fictional stories that recount the human dream, an ideal hero who comes to our rescue.
Before I get too allegorical though, why am I writing like this? I listened to a song by Ben Harper called "Picture of Jesus" today (here are the lyrics). I love Ben Harper, I love the soul in his music. He is inspired for music. Well the line that really hit me is this one "We long to be a picture of Jesus" and the reason it hit me is this: I have been forever changed by the teaching of this man that we call Jesus, and I have been forever changed not just by his teaching but by him, Jesus himself. He is the hero of so many of our fairy tales, the one person we've always needed but looked for in every place where he couldn't be found. He is the man of love, the mover of the sun (how could we be so angry at a world of suffering if there wasn't a world of love hidden somewhere in the deeps of existence), he is the man who moves my soul. Well he's got really bad representation in this world, me being one of those broken pictures of who he was and is. Yesterday ... no the past week has been a good example of how bad I a picture of Jesus I am. I wish, even yearn, to be a perfect picture of him, a perfect symbol of his love, a perfect beauty crafted by the light of his Spirit. That would be the greatest beauty available in our world at this time, the person completely transformed into a window on Heaven. Its not even funny how broken I am, how far from perfect I am. There are lots of people out there who don't give a rip about Jesus and are better people than I am (at least that's how it looks to me sometimes)... I could give examples, the last entry being one. Let's leave it at the fact that I've had a tendency to steal for a long time, ever since I was young. it's easier to write it online than to admit to those people I've stolen from.
So how does that hit you? A Christian stealing, maybe lying, doing drugs, worrying about whether God will provide... and doing loads of other things he doesn't want to admit online. Maybe that gives you something of an answer to why there are few good and absolutely no perfect representations of Jesus in this world. But for the ones like me who so poorly reflect him, we just want to be pictures of Jesus, badly.

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied." Matthew 5:6

An Expose on Shame

2005-04-09T02:09:00.000-05:00

So today was a wild day and I plan to retell all of its happenings, but first a bit about things leading up to this day (namely last night):

Yesterday--and by yesterday I mean Thursday--I went out with two friends of mine, E and M. We went with wine and 40s to a bridge not far from Slippery Rock. Its a nice place, quiet and out of the way. We were there for a couple hours and only two cars went by (M won a bet because only two went by, I thought only one ever would). Oh wait... before we went out E and I were waiting for M in his room. He comes in and says he has to roll a j real quick for this girl he just met. That's right, if you know something about Grove City College--a Christian college--people do smoke pot here. Their number is very small but the reality of it should be known (no more pretending to be perfect you Christians). Well being an expert roller I offer to roll the j for him. In truth what I'm thinking is If I roll that j I can pocket some of the weed and smoke it later, and that's what I did. I rolled a nice fat j and pocketed a miniscule bit of weed (truly it was a couple roaches and a 1/4 of a bud, but who's counting).

We then went out and drank and laughed it up and talked about relationships more than anything. Mostly E and I listened to M cause E and I both know each other pretty well already. It was a cool night and I think it was good for the three of us... well maybe not so much for me because of the weed.

Back at school I proceeded to my bed, after making certain I had a lighter for the next morning when I would wake up and, well, smoke (I also puked that night, not because I had to but because I was starting to get the spins and I hate the spins. Puking has generally always made me feel better).

The next morning I woke up hung over and empty feeling. My stomach was especially sensitive and took several hours till it settled enough for me to eat something. I went out into the brilliant sunshine, sat down next to a quiet and still creek and proceeded to waste five hours of my life by getting high.

Hmm... maybe I should write a little about why that's a bad thing. In the post before this I mention that I'm a drug addict. Well its true. I have a very addictive personality. I first started using drugs my freshman year here at GCC (again, a Christian college. Strange that here I became an addict). Now you're probably thinking, or wondering, what drug is this kid addicted to cause people don't get addicted to marijauna. Well I beg to differ. If you're me it doesn't really matter how strong the drug is or how physically addictive, if I get high or loose or can escape with it, then I like it, I'm hooked. I thank God that he kept me from the harder drugs. There are a lot of stories to be told here but I won't spend too much time on it unless someone asks me.

So I started doing drugs and they quickly gained control over my life. I didn't mind it at first, in a way the human soul needs to be completely sold out to one thing, giving of oneself completely for that thing. Well this new master was fun for a while, but it brought me to emptiness (rather it didn't do shit to cover up the emptiness I already suffered. I was pretty depressed as a kid, by the by. Makes me a natural addict/escapist). I wasted a lot of money and my grades suffered so that its a wonder I'm till at this school and will still graduate (at least I hope I will, I pray about it often). Also pot and drugs in general turn you into a selfish and fairly worthless person, you don't contribute much to the people around you. The biggest problem is that drugs can not bring life and God can. Seeing how I had this crazy need to be alive, to feel alive, I was duped into serving the wrong master, the one that could only bring me delusion.

Its been a long road but God has brought me out of my addiction. he woke me up to where I was at (again, if you want more detail just ask) and showed me the way out. I didn't have a conversion experience cause I was already a Christian, but I had fallen asleep at the wheel. God woke me up and said "You're about to wreck your life, move over I'm driving". I've been working at that, and have been making some sweet progress lately. Today was the first day I'd smoked a cigarette in something like two weeks. I hadn't smoked pot for about a month or more. This is in juxtapostion to smoking pot everyday, several times a day (my sophomore semester... didn't spend much time sober, maybe three weeks if you put all the days together).

So today I crashed and burned. I took it to God and he didn't talk to me right away, let me think about it. He pointed me to Colossians 2:6-15 which was seriously encouraging. I told some of my brothers and sisters too and that confession in itself gave me a lot of freedom from the shame I felt for giving in again...

The rest of the day was pretty awesome actually. I was blessed to spend a lot of time with my bro Jesse talking about the summer after graduation. I mentioned to him the idea of interning at a radio station so as to earn some cash and learn the trade. But then i also got an email from an old friend asking me to join him in Croatia to work at a camp, which would be an incredible opportunity... am I glossing over this subject? I mean with the drugs and everything. I don't mean to but for me its just such an old ordeal, its dry to me. It reminds me of death and despair and I don't like to spend much time on it. Is it strange to say that I failed to be what God made me to be, that he forgave me for it and hasn't given up his quest to make me into the that man, the one he designed since before time began. Its discouraging to fail in pursuit of your life's goal but then its beyond comforting to find out that the goal your pursuing is actually pursuing you. It doesn't matter then if you can make it or not cause God has already made the trip.

One last thing. One of the things I dislike about pot are the thoughts that come to my mind that I don't feel I can trust because the drug muddles everything. Well I had something of a visionary thought about a church that doesn't yet exist but I think should. I don't know if God gave me the thought or if its just some crazy man's delusion. I'm going to pray about it and see what God will do with it.

Life is exciting right now. Graduation will come and I'll be up in the air certain that I'm gonna come down but not knowing where I'll land. I'm excited to see.

Soundtrack: Nick Drake

the question "How are you?"

2005-04-07T15:29:00.000-05:00

Its a little rainy here at Grove City today. It's nothing new, I'd saw two thirds of the year (or more) is raining or snowy or at least grey and overcast. I wonder how it effects the psychology of the students not having much sun... maybe that's why the students complain as often as they do.

Someone asked me today "How are you" and it was difficult to answer. I've heard that there are only too socially acceptable answers to that question. You can say "I'm good" (you could plug in ok, fine, well... anything positive usually works as long as you're not too positive) or you can say "I'm tired" (most negative answers are unacceptable, people don't invite those hard to deal with answers). I've been trying to break that behavior in myself but bad habits are hard to break. It doesn't help that most people don't stop long enough to reall hear the answer anyway. It also doesn't help that I'm not really good at superficial social interaction
But today when I was faced with that question, "How are you?" I didn't know how to answer.In terms of how I've been doing the past couple days I've not been to either extreme of the spectrum, more or less I've been on the positive side of neutral.
If its a scale from 0-100, 0 = utter, suicidal depression and 100 = absolute euphoria or contentment, I'm in the 60-70 range. Life has been really good lately. Today is merely a rainy day softening the goodness of life but in no way poisoning my outlook.
Maybe my problem is that I'm so wary of saying good without thinking that if I say "good" people will think I'm lying (or I'll think I'm lying). Its a merited distrust, people are very rarely honest with one another when passing on the street (honesty requires too much time and risk for most), but its really unfortunate. Its unfortunate that distrust has to exist at all in society, what a wonder it would be if we were all trustworthy and trusting.

Well anyway, i think you'll get the point. If you haven't noticed yet I like to write a lot. I'm also "long winded" as they say, I like to talk a lot too when someone listens. This is a warning then to everybody when I start vlogging which (thanks to Jay Dedman who in the true spirit of generosity is donating me his old camera) will be happening in the next couple of weeks.

New beginnings

2005-04-06T03:53:00.000-05:00

I wonder how many people have started a blog wanting to communicate with the outside world, logged on, hit the button for a new post and found that they have nothing to say. We'll I'm definately not one of those. I know I have something to say even if right now I'm having a hard time articulating it, but then the brain travels slowly at 5 am...

I think the issue for me is my approach to writing. I love to write, love the elegant expression of the mind, soul, and senses. I love the written word, spoken out loud and read silently I love it (though most often I like it read audibly, even if its only to myself). It is this love, maybe even obsession, with eloquence that keeps my insides from coming out in the pen. If it doesn't sound just right I can't put it down. The same goes for almost everything in my life. If it is not smooth or without error I have a difficulty in letting it come out. You could call it perfectionism, I'd say its more like a lack of confidence. A fear that if I'm not up to the highest level of presentation the world around me will abandon me; the people I seek to please forget me. Its a behavior that has been learned and learned so well that it has become my instinct.

Here's an example: I love to sing and God has given me a good voice, the kind that if I had been faithful to practicing, training, and learning music I could sing professionally maybe... maybe. And I love solos, singing by myself, but then I hate it too. I have stage fright. I hate getting up there and letting loose. Not because I can't handle it, I know I've got the ability, its irrational. Something primal in the depths of my heart tells me Shut up! What the hell are you doing on stage?! Sit down! To my regret I've listened to that voice much too often in my life.

Well here I am again on a kind of stage. I know nobody is reading this yet but one day one person might and that person's opinion is all too important to this primal fear of mine. So instead of writing in a completely natural state, just putting down my thoughts as they come, running like a wild brook of emotion or passion, I stick to a regimented style that is more vague than not. This entry and the last entry are both good examples of this...

I'm working security right now in the lobby of one of the girl's dorms on Grove City College campus. Its a funny thing really being a security guard here. The place is almost completely safe, the worst thing that's happened that i can remember this old guy who went into the library in the middle of evening, sat down next to this girl and started masterbating. It shocked me to hear it, disgusted me too (and I'm certain part of me found it funny... a part of me that I don't really hang around too much). The guy's dorms don't have any security. Some find this offensive, mainly those guys who feel too weak to fight off the ravenous women folk looking to rape some cute defenseless guy. I don't mind the lack of security (or the ravenous women-folk, honestly). Most of the girls hate the fact that they have to show their ID everytime they come in after midnight. People here complain about the food too. I think there's something about human nature that even if everything is better than you can imagine you'll still find something to complain about. Its something I don't like much about human nature, even about myself. It'd be so much better simply to be content... I'll stop there for now about contentment, that's a big issue for me.

Anyway, my major trouble today is this (You see all that went on before, not really necessary. But then I'm just beginning to introduce myself to you and the more I ramble about the more you'll learn about me): I'm graduating in May and I have no certain plan for work. Now I'm not the only one this have ever happened to so i'm not going to pretend that I'm unique here, but like lemmings jumping off a cliff everyone does indeed come to that moment of chance when you gotta leap and forget all the tremblings inside that tell you to sit down, to go back to bed. Well thanks be to God that we are not lemmings (at least some of us). I know that I'm not jumping to certain doom, I only feel that way. I did have a job lined up, working at a Christian camp out in the middle of Pennsylvania. Well some bad stuff went down last summer when I was working there and I had to leave (to be honest it was drug related. I do have an addiction problem). I talked to the assisstand director today and he sounded extremely hesitant about rehiring me, I don't blame him. I use to have absolutely no control over my addiction, it controlled me. I can tell you honestly that I'm not that way anymore (a friend of mine likes to tell me its because I had the strength inside of myself all along... I believe wholeheartedly it's Jesus who gave me the strength. Left to my own devices I'd be shooting heroine right now--I've never done heroine by the by). But it's a hard decision they have to make. I know the guy loves me, even thinks of me as his son (never said it explicitly but I can tell by the way he relates to me, how he feels bad about not rehiring me), but they have the kids they minister to to think of. You can't mess around these days when kids are involved, the state will have your head.

That leaves me standing in a tired old line about to step off into... I don't know, no one does--save one. And there's my comfort in this. I know it sounds cliche but God has his plan for me, I know it, I've seen bits of it at work already, he just likes to be dramatic.

Way to Blue

2005-04-04T04:36:00.000-05:00

I think we spend all our lives looking for a way to fly. I don't think any one person is exempt for the search. Its called dreaming, hoping, wishing... Children do it all the time, its natural for us humans. You have to learn hopelessness and, mournfully, it is an easy lesson to learn in this world of ours.

Nick Drake wrote this song "Way to Blue" and I think he's looking, searching, for the sky. He's looking for the dream, hoping someone will know the way. I'm starting this blog (and hopefully a Vlog soon, if Fate is willing) because, in my search for the heavens, it'd be nice to have some travel companions.

Soundtrack: Nick Drake

"Way to Blue"

by Nick Drake

Don't you have a word to show what may be done

Have you never heard a way to find the sun

Tell me all that you may know

Show me what you have to show

Won't you come and say

If you know the way to blue?

Have you seen the land living by the breeze

Can you understand a light among the trees

Tell me all that you may know

Show me what you have to show

Tell us all today

If you know the way to blue?

Look through time and find your rhyme

Tell us what you find

We will wait at your gate

Hoping like the blind.

Can you now recall all that you have known?

Will you never fallWhen the light has flown?

Tell me all that you may know

Show me what you have to show

Won't you come and say

If you know the way to blue?