Rambling Rose

When Knowing Is Not Enough

2026-06-01T17:32:54.582-04:00

Monday, June 1st, 2026

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: When Knowing is Not Enough

When someone close to us faces a major challenge, whether it is alcoholism, or something else, it is quite common for us to do lots of research and learn everything we can about what has afflicted our loved. But no matter how much we learn, it is also quite common that the person with the challenge doesn't want to hear about it from us. Certainly this often applies to a partner suffering from alcoholism, but you can expand your lens and write about other relationships, too. For example, Sheri tried to share what she has learned about health with her mother, but her mother refused to learn from her own daughter.

It is painful to seek and gain valuable knowledge only to have a loved one refuse to listen or learn.

We all have experiences with this in various relationships. Pick one, and please write about how it feels, and any resulting consequences.

When knowing is not enough.

This seems simple at first glance. I knew the alcohol was a problem. I refused to say anthing about it. I knew I didn't like drinking. I didn't say anything. I let him have his fun. I had a little along the way. I knew it was getting worse, I chose not to say anything. I knew getting sober wasn't going to be the end of our problems, but I didn't know how that would look.

I did a lot of research. Most of us do. I listened to a lot of podcasts, YouTube videos, Instagram reels, TikToks, etc. about addiction, addiction recovery, partners of alcoholics, what alcohol does to the brain and body, dry drunk syndrome, you name it. I liked the logic of it. Almost burnt out on research and facts, I forgot to listen to how my body feels. Was I disresepected? Sure.

How does my body feel knowing I was disrespected and still am being disrespected daily? I have no idea. Knowing IS not enough. It never is. Action is always what it takes. What should I act on first though? I KNOW I need to stand up and say what hurts my feelings in the moment. I don't because it has traditionally been what has kept me safe. My coping mechanism has always been to shut my mouth and keep working. It's worked to a point, until it doesn't anymore.

I know this is where I am now. Having done all the research, knowing I don't feel happy, and having to take some action. Having to say my true feelings. Having to say I'm not happy, outloud to someone that won't react well. I know that part is scary. I know my body won't react well.

It hasn't been that bad, I can keep doing what I'm doing for two more years, one more, year, six more months, then some random point I mark with some random time and space marker. I know I convince myself the problem is me. I do this because it's been said to me so many times it has worked.

I know that I should just go and say what I mean. I know I should say that I don't feel like being myself in my house out loud in front of him. I don't because I know I will feel backlash and unsafe after I do. I know how I feel. I don't know how to say how I feel. I know what to do. I don't know how to do it. I know how much I don't know what I want to know. Does that even make sense?

He refuses to listen. He's sober so everything is OK and that is not OK with me. I can't say that. That is what I know. It's so frustrating. I know I need to process all of my resentments but I have no desire to do so BECAUSE he has no desire to listen to that. People will tell me you have to just pull off the bandaid but they don't know what the relationship is like. They don't have to live in the home. It really is the best for my emotional safety right now.

I did tell him I was going to Nashville this weekend and got no reaction. I did tell him that I would like him to come to my mom's 70th birthday lunch, and I don't know how that will go but I'll use it as a test. I know I don't know shit, and that is just not enough.

2026-05-19T08:47:20.487-04:00

May 20 Writing: Universalisms in High Functioning Alcoholism and the Family System

Just because you never hit her doesn’t mean you didn’t abuse her. There is so much of this that rings true. I struggle a lot with the the notion that I have been abused in the traditional sense and in a lot of ways I feel like it would be easier if I he did just hit me. He didn’t mean to, and it’s not manipulation in the traditional sense, but it is abuse. Emotional abuse is complicated and a sort of mind-fuck. The subtlety of this I’m just beginning to come aware of and become aware of little bits of it more and more each day. It’s the not being allowed to be my true self that feels like betrayal. I am learning that I am a pretty awesome person, and I can’t show all of my awesome self at home. Not only can I not share my awesome self at home, but I am forced to be someone else. Someone I don’t recognize. Someone that doesn’t sing in the shower or make art proudly. I don’t like that version of myself. I’m not heard for who I am. I have to compromise myself. I tolerated that for a very long time and I’m not sure how much longer I can tolerate that but I’m also not sure what I should do about it because, as we all say, it’s not THAT bad. But how bad is THAT bad? Where is the line?

I was scheduled to do jury duty tomorrow so I took the day off put in my paid time off and got a sub and left sub plans on my desk. Called them tonight, they dismiss my group, but Fulton County Schools doesn’t know that. They just know I am out tomorrow, so i wasn’t gonna go to school. I was gonna let the sub do the day especially since Wednesday is an extra long day with graduation at the end.

Well Cameron can’t stand this. He tells me he thinks I should go to work since it’s the end of the year. It’s a blackout day (it’s not; Wednesday graduation is and the last day of school is). He tells me to cancel my sub and go to work. It’s his work from home day. It’s actually not, he usually works from the office on Tuesday but I guess he wants to work from home tomorrow and me being home would interfere with those plans. He doesn’t want me home. It feels like sort of the same kind of thing that would happen during active addiction. I would stay home sick and he would convince me I wasn’t sick enough to take off so this feels like that. It was sort of like he was protecting his image. If I stayed home things looked wrong. If I didn’t, everything was fine.

I asked a few teacher friends all of whom said take the day. They won’t call you for jury duty again for another six months and by then my leave will turn over and renew itself. I’m pissed. I’m not pissed enough to say anything to him to overturn the apple cart, but I’m going to pull a 2023 (just keep walking on eggshells) and just pretend like I’m going to work and go other places. Sit in the car, just to avoid conflict. I don’t feel like having this conflict is safe even now. However, it will never be until I bite the bullet and confront. Not today though.

I know that “feelings are never the fault of the person who feels them” but for some reason I feel so cowardly and incomplete. I feel like we are right back to active addiction, me covering up for his shortcomings like nothing is wrong. Feelings may not be the fault of those that feel them, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling them, and that doesn’t stop me from reacting in a way that protects my partner with a problem. Alcohol may be out of the picture, but behaviors aren’t. I am still protecting his feelings, I am still walking on eggshells, I am still avoiding conflict, and that makes me feel like absolute horse shit. If I confront and tell him that it’s my house too and I deserve to be in it for the day, I’m going to face backlash. I’m going to face a lecture that makes me feel like I’m his child and not his partner. I would like to say I am your equal, treat me like an adult. I have just as valid of feelings around my employment status and I am able to make a professional decision around whether or not I take the day off, but at my core I don’t believe that, and that’s because you have made me not believe that with your past words and actions, whether you believe that or not.

If you never apologized, she’s waiting to hear that you’re sorry. And then she’ll need validation.

The truth is he never apologized because he doesn’t know that he did anything wrong. He thought he was controlling the situation. Trying to make both of us look good. I need to hear that you’re sorry. Not just for the pet trauma, but for all of it. I need validation that I’m not less than professionally, that I’m worth being an equal partner. Your criticism is a dagger. It lodges into my skin under my skull and twists until a dull ache forms. The body keeps the score. Chronic pain is a sign of a lack of emotional safety. I woke up this morning with a headache. I went to bed last night with tense muscles in the back of my neck, shoulders and back. Despite breathing exercises and stretching I did. Despite the heating pack I put on after dinner. This is no doubt a sign of chronic stress caused by a direct lack of emotional safety. I realize that now. I didn’t realize that a year ago. I guess that’s progress.

She doesn’t need to just let it go. Trauma doesn’t heal without work. For so long I’ve believed that it was me. I do just need to let it go. That this isn’t trauma. That nothing is wrong. That I am just too sensitive. What is the work? Is the work the work of confrontation? If one person isn’t willing to do the work in the relationship it’s very hard to do the work of both people. My therapist has always said that I haven’t been confronting because my first priority is physical and emotional safety. It’s simply not safe to confront at this stage. When will it be? Ever? It has to be soon because I am at a breaking point. I don’t know how much more pain (emotional or physical) my body can take before it keeps breaking down.

Finally, she might always love you, but if she doesn’t like you, the relationship cannot thrive. The relationship is not thriving. I don’t like you. I might love you. I don’t like you. If I don’t like you the way I don’t like you right now, I can’t thrive, which means we can’t thrive. I can’t tell you things. I’m going to sit and fester until my nervous system whithers to a pulp. I will continue shrinking until I become a shell of the person I once was. I’m starting to see that. I have a long way to go.

Echoes May 6 2026

2026-05-03T19:52:00.004-04:00

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: Please tell a story that explains the transition from solid ground to walking on eggshells.

I feel like we talk about nervous system activation, or walking on eggshells, like all humans know what that means. For this prompt, please tell a story or stories that explains, in detail, what that transition is like to go from a regulated, calm nervous system, to suddenly feeling the need to so carefully choose your words or actions to prevent blow back, criticism, emotional abuse, or other forms of trauma. Go slow when telling your story. Please try to be really biologically and cognitively descriptive. Does your pulse quicken? Does your breathing change? Are you hyper-sensitive in any way? Do you want to flee? Please use a real story to express what that transition is like for you.

I’m so angry right now, and I do think it’s because I went from solid ground to walking on eggshells in a matter of minutes. I seem to be doing this a lot lately and it sucks. They say in recovery the partner of an alcoholic doesn't reach their full anger cycle until years after the drinker does their work. That’s where I am, I do believe. It’s been a few years now and I am angry as ever but will never show it due to some fear of blowback, fear of what will happen when I let my eldest daughter freak flag fly. First, some background. I was planning on attending a Japanese Children’s Day event this Sunday, May 3rd. It’s been in the works for months and it happens at the same time every year. My best friend and her husband plan it as a fundraising effort for their children’s school. They attend a dual language immersion Japanese/English school and love it. I’ve been before, mostly by myself in support of them and have the best time. This event is everything that lines up with my values.

I haven’t been taught about values until my recovery work started, but now I see that I am happiest when I do things in my recreational time that are inline with my values. I have become so used to doing things in my recreational time that are on my own that it's a habit, I start walking on eggshells when Cameron wants in on my plans and I dance around feelings and emotions. Last weekend I even told him about the festival and asked him if wanted to be included. He said he would let me know. He didn’t say anything else and I assumed that meant I would be going alone, which was fine by me. We didn’t talk about it all week. I let Maria know I was planning on coming to the festival this Sunday and we got excited about it.

Except now, fast forward to Thursday. I get a text that was sent to both Cameron and I from his sister. She has rented out an entire movie theater for her son’s ninth birthday party. He is inviting some friends to watch the Mario movie. She invited Cameron and I to join the party.

First of all, I’m going to sound extremely judgemental here. Who at nine years old has enough friends that renting out an entire movie theater is a good deal? Is that a thing we are doing now when raising our kids? As a non-parent, I need to know. It seems a little entitled to me. My brother had a birthday party back in the day where he invited five friends to see the movie Twister. We sat in a theater with everyone else and they had a great time. Why are are teaching our kids that we need places to ourself to have time? Why can’t he do something outside on what is going to be a beautiful day? I may just be bitter that this is interfering with my plans and I’m too scared to tell Cameron that because of said eggshells.

Before sobriety, when he was actively addicted to alcohol, he never would have been interested in joining a party of nine year olds and his sister for an afternoon at the movies. I got so used to doing my own thing. Now, after I sent a text to the group chat about having plans with the festival, he told me last night in person that he would really like me to skip the festival and go to the movie theater with them. That’s all he said. Then he walked out of the room.

I said as he was walking out of the room that it’s going to be a lovely day and I don’t wish to spend it in the dark. That is what aligns with my values. I didn’t say he could always go to the party alone. He is more interested in Mario. He is the one that needs to rebuild the relationship and time lost with his sister and nephew and niece. Why do I have to be involved? My shoulders were tense. My jaw was tense. I wouldn’t have recognized these symptoms in myself two years ago. Tonight though, I feel them all. I want to run away. Instead, I freeze and I return to my audiobook and my ink tracing. I disassociate and tune out the world. Except I can’t tune out. I’m ruminating. My head is filling with thoughts. I do the next best thing. I text my best friend, and I text my Echoes friend Hammer. Now my breathing is quicker than it needs to be. I have lost track of what’s going on in my audiobook so I shut it down.

Here’s the text thread that ensued:

Me: Is this what parents are doing now? (Included a screen shot of the movie theater invite from my SIL) Am I wrong for thinking this is weird??? AND it’s Sunday and Cameron is gonna want me to go and I want to go to children’s day and I told him that. DAMN IT.

Maria: Bahahahaha Noooooooo (this is how we usually communicate. We are both teachers and it’s April and testing season. We are mentally done.)

Maria: A movie theater rental is not normal. Also, we don’t know that many ppl to make it worth it.

Maria: We did it once as a PTO fundraiser but that was also serving an Asian school that loves Sonic.

Me: Thank you for validating that. Ah. For a school event I guess that makes sense.

Maria: Tell Cameron he can go.

Me: that’s what I plan to do. I think.

Maria: WoooooooooooHoooooooooooo DAMN. THE. MAN.

Maria: Give the kid a voucher for food or snacks for the movie

Me: He doesn’t need one. They are loaded and she said no gifts. I’m supposed to buy him a box of pasta because that’s all he’s eating at the moment. Damn it he just said he wants me to go to the movie. Shit we are going to fight about this aren’t we.

Maria: GIRL. Just let him know. NO is a full sentence.

Me: I know. But I have guilt from years of high functioning alcoholism and relationship dysfunction. It’s complicated.

Maria: I know. I support whatever decision you make.

Me: I’m a people pleaser and I should be prouder he wants to do shit with his family.

Maria: Just know he owes you.

Me: He does.

Maria: Big.

Maria: He doesn’t want to do shit with his family. This feels like him showing them he’s a functioning adult with a very patient and supportive partner.

Maria: When really…you had plans first.

Me: Yes you are right

Me: He takes advantage of my kindness too much and I’m angry as fuck.

Maria: Then do something with that anger.

Me: I may tell him to go to the party alone to see if he really wants to go.

Maria: I’m sorry. That’s probably not my place.

Me: I just talked about this in therapy.

Maria: I’m angry if you’re angry.

Me: You are speaking the truth.

Maria: Sooooooo I’m happy to join you in the “fuck C” party.

Me: And I love that about you.

Me: When I’m ready I’ll tell you.

Me: I just need the right timing.

Me: Or a swift kick in the ASS.

Maria: You got it!!! I’ll get the popcorn ready. And the guest room. heartface emoji

Me: That’s so sweet of you. You already live with unwanted guests lol.

Maria: Bahahahaha I’d kick her out and keep you LOL.

Me: LOL that means a lot thank you *tearemoji*

Maria: Always!

No, we haven’t talked about it today. Yes, he told me that my closet mess is affecting him. Yes he told me the AC people sent an invoice that I should have gotten. No, I didn’t see an invoice. We are existing on an everyday level of roommate level relationship but we are no where near being a healthy romantic relationship stable couple. I am unable to come off my eggshell walking long enough to broach conflict and he his unable to, well, I don’t know what he’s unable to do. A lot of things. I know my weaknesses. I know that until I get healthy enough to speak my truth, to tell him that I am no longer interested in sitting in a dark room on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon I will not be happy. If I keep lying to myself and saying things like “I’m so glad you’re willing to do things with your family again,” it’s only going to breed the resentment I feel now ten times stronger. Things would be so much easier if I walked away. Things would be so much easier on my own. So what is holding me back?

Currently my whole back feels like it’s made up of a rope smashed together and tied in knots, the kind that forms when you fail to wind a knitting or crocheting yarn ball properly and the ends bind together and you can’t get in undone. I’m so tense you could bounce a quarter off me and have it land on the ground in seconds. I recognize this only when I try, but it feels so normal now. Walking on eggshells dancing around his feelings and trying to make everyone but myself happy isn’t working for me anymore. I don’t, however, know what to do though. I don’t know what makes me happy. If I go to the festival Sunday I will feel nothing but guilt for leaving him behind and he will make me feel more guilty for not supporting his family efforts. If I go to the movie I will feel resentful that I didn’t follow my wishes. Damn being an eldest parentified daughter who has lost the autonomy to decide what is best for herself. This just sucks.

This is what walking on eggshells looks like and feels like for me. Get me out of here.

https://750words.com/stats/RockstarTeacher2024/ZVmccVe8GPL6SUguZzBs

Green Flags: Another Echoes Post

2025-07-12T19:20:00.002-04:00

The Story Writing Workshop is our writing and reading session in Echoes of Recovery. When we write our truth, we go much deeper than when we talk. The Story is all about digging deep to find healing.

We will have our next The Story reading sessions next Wednesday, July 16th.

Morning Call: 9am MDT
Evening Call: 6pm MDT

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: Green Flags

We talk a lot in Echoes about missing red flags as we proceeded through our relationships. A huge part of the work of recovery is recognizing the red flags, and making hard decisions about navigating through trauma and chaos.

For this prompt, let's look at the green flags that are trying to lead us toward peace, growth, and self-confidence.

Please write about the non-negotiable truths about yourself that you've discovered. Share things you see in your life - supportive people, peaceful living arrangements, relationships with your kids, job goals/opportunities - that are like green flags guiding you forward. So often when you "choose your hard," you fixate on the challenges, the negatives of the choice. For this prompt, please focus on the positives that motivate your actions. As hard as this all is, you have a lot going for you. Please write about it.

Having trouble finding the time to write? Our Echoes of Recovery participants lead busy lives. But busy is a matter of priorities, and we believe so strongly in the power of writing our stories, that we offer this suggestion if you are having trouble finding time to write. Try the Seven Minute Prompt method. Set a timer for seven minutes, write to the prompt above, and stop wherever you are at the end of the time. No need to edit. Just bring the output from your seven minutes of writing to our session, and read with pride for finding time to squeeze in the writing this week.

On next Wednesday's video calls, we will read our stories to each other. Please be prepared to give and receive relentlessly positive feedback. In The Story Writing Workshops, we reward the vulnerability of our writers.

Early on Wednesday morning, I will send the ZOOM links to join the reading sessions. Please let me know if you have any questions, and we can't wait to hear your stories!

Positive things I see in my life:

1. Echoes retreat was so great for allowing myself to see green flags.

2. Everytime I leave my house, I realize how much I do have to offer the world.

3. I am worthy.

4. Hanging out with badass women help me realize that.

5. Toxic people do not help me realize that.

Green flags guiding me forward?

1. Focus on the small.

2. Go for walks. Always move. It makes me feel better longterm even if I don't feel like it short-term.

It's incredibly difficult tonight to sit down and come up with green flags in my relationship, especially after coming back from the Echoes of Recovery retreat for a week. One of the non-negotiables present at the retreat that I immediately noticed was missing upon my return was that emotional safety that needs to be there to thrive. It was so present in Denver, with Matt and Sheri, with my Echoes sisters (and brother -- didn't forget about you Mike!) that I was caught superiorly off gaurd immediately following my return.

Emotional safety is not waking your partner up after a 1am-6am flight at 10am (after 4 hours of sleep) and asking if she wanted to go eat lunch and grocery shopping. I said I didn't but it didn't matter. He rebutted and said that the best way to counter a red-eye is just to power through and sleep later to get your sleep schedule back on track. (He is the expert on sleep, after all, with narcolepsy and everything.) I didn't fight it. I just didn't want to. I didn't have the urge to. But I couldn't help but feel that my Echoes peeps wouldn't have done that...would they? Do I live in a normal relationship?

It was my fault for not putting my foot down. I felt guilty for leaving for more than a week. I was gone for two. He was lonely. He doesn't function well when he's lonely. I needed to get up and do what he needed to do. So I did. Ugh.

But this writing is supposed to be about green flags. My green flags are I am actually in better shape than I thought I was at this point in my life. I can climb a glacier at 10K feet in the air. My green flags are that I can make conversation with anyone in the room and listen well to anyone telling their story. My green flags are that I do genuinely enjoy listening for the sake of listening and not responding. Thanks for that one, Matt. It takes a good human to point that out to me sometimes.

Other green flags are career related. I've reached leadership positions at school. I can run a classroom confidently, I can help other teachers when needed. I do my part without annoying people and get the job done and move on with my day. I like to think I make the world a better place at work. For everyone.

Green flags are I am able to lose 20 lbs in 6 months and should do that some more. I can get up and walk a few miles every morning and feel great about myself.

I can do that when I'm everywhere else except my own home. I felt that difference dramatically this week. Upon return from the retreat. After having 9 other individuals listen to me with apt attention and not judge, having the ONE person who is supposed to be there for you no matter the circumstances not do shit and make me feel insignificant is a pretty big slap in the face.

And I want to give him credit. He is trying. He's just not there yet. He is unable to be emotionally safe. But for how long to accept the red flags that arent' turned to green flags after six months of true sobriety?

How long does one wait?

I think that's what I am struggling with the most. It's not all bad all the time by any means. After the recent podcast where I just COULD NOT put my finger on the very time it got bad, the drinking turned toxic, because it was a slow burn, I can't put my finger exactly on reasons to stay either. It's very much a grey zone.

Green flags include: I do feel amazing about myself when I am BY MYSELF or with safe other people.

When I am doing my thing and making my decisions for the most part, I am thriving. That should be all the information I need, but of course relationships that last for 14 years are not that simple.

It should not be ALL about YOU anymore. We should be moving on. Getting health(ier). I fear that I am getting healthier and growing at a faster rate. I don't want to be pulled back into you vortex of toxicity like I have been for the last five years. (Although I didn't realize that's where I was at the time.)

Non-negotioables include: You will not make fun of my food, my clothing, or anything that make me feel emotionally unsafe. You will respect me as human being.

Non-negotiobales include: Treating me as if I were your equal. With the same respect you have for yourself (except this is not ok because you probably have very little respect for yourself, and thus feel the same about me.)

Non-negotiables include: You will tell me and have a basic conversation about your day. Everyday. I don't think that's too much to ask.

If I can't get that from you, I do think I have the right to go elsewhere. If only that were so easy.

Songs for Recovery: An Echoes

2025-06-26T11:26:00.001-04:00

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: What song moves you (or gets you moving)?

Music can be such a vital part of our recovery and discovery progress. Sometimes the lyrics of song sound like they were written specifically about our situation. Other times the rhythm or beat or cadence or melody or chorus of a song stirs something inside of us. For this week's prompt, please pick a song that is important to you, and tell us why. Is there inspiration in the lyrics? Does the song lift you up and help remind you that you are going to be OK? And you don't have to narrow this to one song. Please share about several songs if several songs are important to you.

7 minute prompt

2025-06-18T09:34:00.001-04:00

The term, "recovery," is a little misleading, I think. Recovery insinuates that we are going back to status from the past (like when you recover the data from a hard drive). The fact is that anyone who successfully recovers from the alcoholism of a loved one is a new and different version of themself. Who would want to go back to being that person who was susceptible to gaslighting, denials, and manipulation? We want to move forward.

Please write about a story from your recent past that shows where you are going moving forward. Maybe you had a positive interaction with someone. Maybe you were calm in a situation that previously activated your nervous system. Maybe you pursued something with a sense of determination not previously available. Maybe your story goes in a different direction entirely. Please tell us a story that points you in a certain direction for the future.

While I agree with the idea that recovery is misleading, that we have to move forward to discover who we are, I think recovery is sometimes an appropriate term because we do have to look to the past to correct the mistakes an painful instances in order to move forward.

While I'd like to believe that we are not living in the past, we have to try actively and assertively NOT to live in the past, I am a new and different person everyday. How am I a new and different person everyday?

I'm not sure. But I do know that last weekend, one weekend I had free, I chose to drive to Chattanooga BY MYSELF so I didn't have to sit and do nothing in the house with a partner that chooses to be miserable. While I was pretty miserable Friday, I can accept that he is NOT doing the work while I am. As frustrated as that makes me, I do have to believe that I can not change him. Only he decides that he gets to do the work. And if it's been two years and he's still choosing to be miserable, I have do something with that information. If it's leave town and protect my emotional safety for the weekend, that is what I will do.

Some will say I'm avoiding the truth. Some will say I'm procrastinating. I did end up calling a lawyer "just in case" last weekend. I haven't done anything with that information besides just let it sit with me, but I guess I'm at piece with the knowledge that I did it.

Another way I have move forward is that I know now everything that comes out of his mouth may be a form of manipulating me into doing what he wants to do. And while I don't have any control over that, I don't have to blindly follow that shit show. I can walk away. While I know that standing up to it and calling it out will only end in him projecting back at me, I know I can walk away at any time.

And I know that specificity makes writing better, but for now I'm going to leave things vague. I think I've grown forward by knowing that I don't have to act right away. That I can sit with things and let them stew. That I can move at my own pace. I do reach out for help with safe people. That there is no such thing as perfect though I don't always practice but always come around to realizing. We are all works in progress.

Set the Record Straight: Another Echoes Post

2025-05-22T14:47:00.003-04:00

The writing prompt for today's sessions is: Set the Record Straight

A hallmark universalism of being the loved one of an alcoholic is remembering things differently from the recollection of your drinker. Sometimes you are told your memory is incorrect because the drinker really does have an alcohol-warped memory that is cloudy and hazy and simply untrue, or at least different. Sometimes you are told your memory is incorrect because your drinker is in denial, and while your drinker might not remember, they tell you that you are wrong as a knee-jerk deflection or denial, because your version of the truth conflicts with the person the drinker wants to be. The conflicting memories cause further trauma above and beyond the traumatic events you lived through.

This is your chance to set the record straight, maybe not with your drinker, but in a clear and written out permanent record. Please take one (or two or three) incident from your swirling and painful memory, and set the record straight. Tell what happened, how you showed up and tried to limit that damage, and the resulting aftermath. Put it in writing. This prompt is less about us learning your dark secrets, and more about you getting the pain out of your head and into a written form where you truth can live for you to reference anytime you need a reminder of the facts.

Free yourself. Write about it. Set the record straight.

Comparisons: An Echoes Writing Prompt

2025-05-06T06:25:00.001-04:00

No matter what your situation, you can surely think of other people who have it worse. Is that comparison holding you back? Or did it in the past? Please write about how comparisons to other either used to, or still do, prevent you from making the next right move.

It's the controlling for me

2025-04-29T20:48:00.002-04:00

Came home from family group.

C was in the kitchen, frying plantains.

I said hello.

He told me we have chicken thighs. I said OK.

He told me he was only going to use soy sauce and ginger to cook them. It would be an experiment.

The air frier is new as of yesterday.

He kept commenting about how cheap the thighs were. All of this for $6.

I said OK.

He then asked me if I wanted to cook the chicken.

I instictively sick of his shit said "I don't want to cook here where you're going to tell me 20 things I did wrong."

And I said I need to decompress from the day.

I needed go upstairs.

I didn't ask him to cook. I said I didn't want to.

I went upstairs to close the door.

And listen to music and crochet alone.

He screams upstairs that I locked the cat out.

I let her in.

20 min go by and he comes upstairs, opens the door and tells me that he does not want the chicken, and that if I'm not going to eat it he's going to throw it out.

Who does that?

He just bought it today.

Raw chicken thighs.

I said I may not cook it today but I will cook it tomorrow. I know he goes to aftercare group tomorrow and I will have the kitchen to himself so he can't point out my 100 mistakes while cooking the chicken.

He doesn't like that answer, but goes downstairs.

I know he wanted me to come downstairs so he could rant at me about his day.

He doesn't care about what I have to say about anything anymore. I don't live in an equal partnership and I don't feel heard.

I spoke my truth by saying "I don't want to cook the chicken now so you can point out what I'm doing wrong."

Fuck me though if this isn't what it's like being in the aftermath of an alcoholic relationship.

If I do go down and cook the chicken now that he isn't there he's just going to complain that I didn't clean properly.

I'm so done. Soo SOO done.

I'm so done being controlled.

She used to be mine

2025-04-25T20:26:00.001-04:00

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2sow2WYQNQ&list=RDN2sow2WYQNQ&index=1

Addiction and alcoholism robbs you of your ability to see you. The you you used to be. Does it not? Is there a reason I cry everytime I listen to this song?

I'm not pregnant and don't intend to be.

but messy and kind?

I don't recognize me?

thst place and its patrons have taken more than I've gave them (school and home)

I'm imperfect and I try

I am good

But lie

I am hard on myself

I am broken and won't ask for help

I am messy and I am kind

I am lonely most of the time

I am the partner of an alcoholic of 13 years.

I am gone

I used to be me.

[Verse 1]
It's not simple to say
That most days I don't recognize me
That these shoes and this apron
That place and its patrons
Have taken more than I gave them

[Verse 2]
It's not easy to know
I'm not anything like I used to be
Although it's true
I was never attention's sweet center
I still remember that girl

[Chorus]
She's imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won't ask for help
She is messy, but she's kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up
And baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

[Verse 3]
And it's not what I asked for
Sometimes life just slips in through a backdoor
And carves out a person
Who makes you believe it's all true
And now I've got you

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Cognitive Dissonance: Echoes of Recovery April 23 Discussion Writing

2025-04-22T06:33:00.003-04:00

Cognitive dissonance doesn't really occur between two people. The term describes one individual holding two different beliefs about the same situation. But I want to use the idea to prompt us to write. Have you been in a situation where the facts, the truth, the situation seems so clear and tangible to you, but your partner sees it or saw it in a completely different way? This can be particularly challenging when you otherwise respect your partner's intelligence and instincts. But in this one case, you are dealing with or dealt with opposing realities.

Please write about how that made you feel. Did you doubt yourself? Did you worry about your partner? Did it cause conflict? Please try to remember a situation where the "cognitive dissonance" between the two of you was particularly acute. How did you deal with it in the moment, and what lessons could you now apply if you relived there situation?

Yes. All of this yes. Cognitive dissonance everyday allday. Do I doubt myself daily? Yes. Do I worry about him daily? Yes. Did it cause conflict, yes. This is what the disease has done to me. Daily. When I talk about and think about it on a practical level and a general level, yes, this disease is all about cognitive dissonance. For one, I don't think he thinks there's a problem in our relationship. I don't think he's experienced enough pain, and that's my first point of dissonance. I haven't done enough to make sure he knows that there is a problem. But there is. I don't feel good. I don't feel fufilled. Sure he may not be drinking anymore, but is he happy? Does that affect my mood? You bet it does.

Let's talk about what happened in family group last week. I was crocheting. The group leader had her dog in the room. It isn't a therapy dog, but she's using it as a general support and mood booster. Daisy is cute. The group looks forward to her presence when it happens. As someone was sharing, the dog started attacking my yarn. I started fighting back. It was comical. I pulled she pulled. The owner got embarrassed and put her out, back in her crate upstairs. I felt bad. I felt bad for the group. I immediately shame spiraled. The group will be so mad at me. They love the dog. I shouldn't have tempted her. I shouldn't have brought my yarn. It was all my fault.

I know logically that this isn't what they were thinking. But this is what the disease of alcoholism has done to me. This is the reality I'm living in. I'm always guilty. If he had been there, in family group, he would have said it was my fault. I shouldn't have been crocheting, I should have been more present in the moment. I should have been more attentive to the dog. It is always my fault. Even when it isn't. I can't get out of that way of thinking. Is that cognitive disonance? Is it that I'm always thinking one thing about myself even if other people aren't thinking it? If they've said it once in anger or drunkeness it's truth. Well that's bullshit.

Cognitive dissonance is him doing laundry last night.

Hear me out.

One of his triggers is eating dinner on the couch while watching TV now. Its what we used to together during active addiction for him. He used to drink there. So now he eats upstairs and I eat downstairs. Lonely, but whatever. I cope.

But yesterday as he was cooking he asked me if I wanted to watch the show we'd been watching (THE PITT on HBO) while he folded the laundry.

Except I heard "Do you want to fold laundry while we watch the show." And I reacted. I shouldn't have reacted, but I reacted. WHY WOULD I WANT TO FOLD THE LAUNDRY.

SO he reacted.

I SAID I WOULD FOLD THE LAUNDRY DON'T GET SO UPSET.

But he used to tell me to fold the laundry all the time in active addiction. It's one of those behaviors I have resisted. I don't fold his laundry anymore. He used to get so upset when I wouldn't fold it the way he wanted me to. The "right" way. So I don't do it anymore.

Anyway. He folded the laundry standing up making me nervous while we watched the show, then finished dinner, ate upstairs and I ate later.

This is how we live now.

He thinks it's normal.

He doesn't have a problem with it.

I am left feeling as if I'm less than.

I shouldn't. But I do.

I haven't said this outloud to him.

For fear of a lot of things.

This is the prime example of cognitive dissonance, am I right?

Inconsistency: An Echoes of Recovery Post in the making (Due April 9)

2025-04-03T18:10:00.001-04:00

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is: What about my own inconsistency?

Dealing with alcoholism means dealing with chaos and trauma. The only thing that is consistent in an alcoholic relationship is inconsistency. For some, this means dealing with meanness. For others, it means dealing with silence. Sometimes inconsistency manifests as dishonesty and gaslighting, while other times it shows up as manipulation and blame shifting. One thing is for sure: if you have dealt with alcoholism, you are familiar with inconsistency.

But what about your own inconsistency? Is there room for your moods to change based on hormonal shifts, workload imbalance, sleep disruption, quick and easy food choices, or even things like a sunny versus a cloudy day? Humans all have some level of inconsistency. Is there room for yours?

Please write about a specific example of a time when you reacted one way, but later, when your mood shifted, you reacted in a different way. Was there room for your inconsistency?

I'm sure I can come up with a hundred times my mood shifted and I reacted in a different way.

There is the inconsistency of wanting to have my shit together but always having it sprayed all over my home office floor.

There's the inconsistency of wanting to have two weeks planned of instruction but consistently working by flying by the seat of my pants and planning day by day. That shit is exhausting but at this point the only way my trauma-laden brain works.

There's the inconsistency of knowing exercise and walking would make me feel better but choosing to take a nap instead becuase I am just so damn exhausted all the time.

I suppose there is even the inconsistency of wanting to fly far far away but knowing that's more work than its worth. Would I even be happy far far away or is that just "Running away" and creating more drama for myself?

Is there room for mine?

That's a tricky question.

I have room for my own inconsistency? Isn't that why my therapist tells me to be kind to myself? Certainly working out all kinds of inconsistencies in my brain warrants allowing myself to do so.

Is there room for them in my house? Certainly not. The moment I waffle on any of these topics, the judgement comes in from my alcohoic partner.

He's so sick of himself that the moment I waffle in indecision I hear things like "Make up your fucking mind" and "are you sure?"

Even things like "You don't know what you want so don't put that on me."

So mostly I just sit with my inconsistency and try to live with it. Even if alcohol wasn't involved, I would still be inconsistent.

I think this prompt is hard to write to knowing that its going to public because:

Don't we spend our lives trying to hide our inconsistencies and not have them brought up to the public?

Isn't inconsistency considered a flaw?

One of those flaws that will get you outcast in the game of life?

I think I hid a lot of my inconsistencies from myself!

I'm having a hard time pulling them up here.

I'm having a hard time pulling an indivudal one time incident up.

You certainly don't get a head in the education world by being inconsistent.

You go in each day with the same set of expectations for the same group of students or you get your ass walked over and then judged by your superiors. "The good teachers do anyway." Whatever that means. I, by all means, am not a good teacher. I am in inconsistent teacher. So pardon me if inconsistent brings up some bile. Probably why I'm not that great at my job either.

I'm certainly inconsistent with expectations but I have my reasons.

And I don't share them with Cameron anymore and I don't share them with my boss -- but it seems to be working my current setting.

When I think about it, there is only fucking room to be fucking perfect when you are living with an alcoholic, is that right? Any inconsistency I posess I have to sweep out of the way until the alcoholic is out of sight and out of mind.

Any inconsistency I display gets the cold shoulder or the screaming treatment and judged unfairly.

Any at all and I'm not worthy to be human. Has that been the problem all along? Is that what this question wanted me to explore?

I'm exhausted.

John Green on living with OCD, his teenage goth phase, and his new book ...

2025-04-02T18:43:00.001-04:00

Echoes of Recovery Writing: Turning Points and Mindset Shifts

2025-03-30T21:20:00.001-04:00

I would like to say I have had some big mindset shifts lately, but in reality I don't really think I have and that is probably why I'm sitting here on a Tuesday night trying to write to this prompt at 10:20 pm. I don't usually stay up this late, but I find myself here for tonight because I just need a little more time awake and to myself. Time that is just mine. Not time that I'm answering emails or grading or helping students or stressing about a problem with a student at work.

Not one that is Cameron's either. I need to learn how to throw that shit back at hime better, according to family group. He has to take control of his recovery.

In talking to another spouse of an addict and alcoholic tonight, one who is much farther along on her journey than I am, she told me that she told her husband that he makes her feel small and she's not willing to make herself feel small at the expense of their marriage. And I thought that was a really bold move.

Of course, then she said she did that in couple's therapy, and I felt like that was a wise choice to say that with a third party present. It is safer that way.

I have been feeling small around Cameron for years. That was how his alcoholism and alcoholic behavior has affected me. The difference in my mindset here is that I have never said that to his face. I have yelled and whined and screamed and tantrumed that he needs to leave me alone, and I've faught with him over little things, but is this really what is at the root of the issue?

I think the mindset shift comes when we partners and loved ones realize the toll it has taken on our own sense of self and self-esteem or self-worth. Cameron has spent so much time convincing me that I have a problem. I have a problem with cleanliness, housekeeping, and organizaiton. I have a problem with listening and never listen well. I have been listening to this shit for years it has become so ingrained in me that I am not worth the sack of shit you can bury me in. I am not worth the time I give myself to take a shower or comb my hair in the morning.

But the mind has started to shift. I've started to become aware of the way alcohlics manipulate. And Cameron's was so subtle. In fact, it is so subtle that I'm not even sure he knows what he's doing. He hasn't been doing the work I've been doing.

But it's my fault for NOT TELLING HIM.

But if I told him I feel small around him and that's his alcoholic behavoir his response would be "but I can't make you feel anything, you're doing this to yourself."

I wish I had a third party to intervene and listen to the way we treat each other. But I know he's not ready for couple's work. He's five therapy sessions in to a new therapist and refuses to go to AA or do any kind of group work.

The mindset shift now has to become loving myself enough to recognize when he's treating me like garbage.

And to gently remind him that I don't talk to people that talk to me that way.

It's so easy to do on paper.

It's so hard to do in them moment.

The reaction is usually to avoid conflict and leave the room.

Or leave the house and go for a drive.

But that isn't going to help the situation.

The mindset shift has to be to let him know his words hurt and to request that he not speak to me like that.

And to hope that the words "you're just too sensitve" don't get thrown around.

My dad always made sure I was the tough one. He didn't raise a princess.

But the truth is that words hurt, and that is important to recognize.

No one teaches us how to be in a healthly relationship.

There. I'm done for the night. Now I have to try to sleep.

Journaling for some self-care

2025-03-30T21:18:00.001-04:00

Living in an alcoholic relationship with a dry drunk is not for the weak, y'all!

I finished prepping for Monday and Tuesday

I spent "family time" with Cameron's mother and sister, with Barry and the kids and a little bit with Megan's partner Josie.

Friday afternoon Cameron told me his mother and her boyfriend were coming over and told me I didn't really have to be there. So I didn't come home until after they left. I set up a cocoon in the back of my car and lay down and had my virtual appaointment with Karri. Karri has been my therapist for some rediculous amount of time like 10 years. Or almost ten years. She always makes me feel better about life.

After that Cameron texted me about bringing home dinner for us and said his parents had already left.

Which relieved me. I didn't want to make small talk but I didn't want to pick up dinner either. We have so much food at home. It felt a little like old alcoholic behavior of past years. So many times five years ago he would ask me to pick up 12 pack of something and I reluctantly said yes because I didn't know or was in denial about how dire the circumstances were.

I asked him what he wanted for dinner and he said it was my choice. But it's never my choice. Wings were on the way home so I stopped there.

By the time I got home there was something wrong with my choice. Too little heat or soggy wings or not enough sides.

He grabbed his portion and went up stairs and I had my portion of dinner and I watched a movie downstairs and by the time the movie was half over I was tired. It was 8:30 on a friday and after being up since 5 I was a mess. I went to bed.

Cameron came in at 11:30 to wake me up from a full slumber to tell me that my sleep machine was making noise and he could hear it from another room.

Told me to do something about it.

Nevermind the fact that he could wear headphones. He could close his door. But it's always my problem.

Woke up Saturday -- before Cameron, he doesn't sleep, but go up and had my tea and finished the movie I started. Took a walk. Read my book. Got some work stuff done.

Cameron wakes up at 12 and demands we go to Home Depot to look at storm doors. Says his mom is paying for them. Whatever. I go with him because I don't want an argument and want to seem agreeable. We grab tacos around the corner for lunch.

He doesn't want to eat there despite me saying I do. We get it to go.

He buys flowers at Home Depot because he wants bees in the yard as pollinators.

We go back home. I have to chaperone prom in Atlanta that night and am meeting a group of teachers for dinner before hand.

I take a nap because I know it's going to be a long night.

I put on a dress and Cameron criticizes it. Tells me I look frumpy and asks if I have a better one.

I say this is comfortable and leave.

I'm early to Atlanta so I browse a nearby bookstore before going to Felinis with my crew.

At dinner I suffer through conversation with teachers that can't turn off work on a Saturday night. I lament having genuine conversations instead of ones where people complain about coworkers I actually connect with.

Mentally make a note to avoid these people at work this week.

We go to prom, it was actually a lovely event, kids have fun, look amazing, and are well behavied for prom.

I come home and the first thing Cameron says is that Miso heard my erratic driving. He heard me pull up and said I was loud pulling in.

It's midnight and I go to sleep.

Mind you, I could have spent the night at my parents becuase they were much closer to the event last night, but I didn't becuase Cameron said he wanted to check out tomoatoes in the morning.

So when I wake up, we go to his sisters and do tomoato shopping.

I said I didn't want a repeat of last year. I didn't want 50 plants sit unused and die before they get planted.

Cameron got so mad. He told me that that was before rehab and he wouldn't do that and not to bring that up.

He told me not to rehash bad situations.

I am ready to resentment process.

He is not.

He is so full of shame.

He is so full of shame and he doesn't realize it.

Cameron's mother told me tonight that she thinks he's doing better from an interaction standpoint, that he was able to talk to her this weekend in a nicer form. She only sees him twice a year. Of course it's going to be performative.

She told me she likes talking to me becuase Cameron is just like his father.

It dawned on me then that this family is steeped in generational alcoholic behavior and they don't realize it.

She is SO USED to being put down by her husband before he died and by her son, and even by her daughter, who is mean as a snake.

It saddens me even further after what I know about generational trauma.

I want Cameron to embrace recovery.

I want him to be nicer.

He is just not capable of it.

And even today with the comment about food and snapping at me and saying "this is just what people talk about"

Which is another form of "you're the one with the problem."

He said it had nothing to do with me.

Another version of you're too sensitive.

So no, I won't bring up bigger issues.

I won't bring up how he makes me feel small.

He's not ready.

But I'm ready to walk away.

Quietly.

I'm ready for my self-worth to not be attacked anymore.

Aimee Carty- Child Again (Official Lyric Video)

2025-03-28T21:18:00.000-04:00

Y'all. She did it. Again. This young singer/songwriter has me in tears and never ceases to amamze me. Beautiful.

750 words repost

2025-03-22T00:11:00.003-04:00

THE DAY'S WORDS

I only have eight more TPS (ok, EL-TPCs reports to lock and I am so proud of myself.

I sat on these for months becuase they are so tedious. But now that EOCs are near and I have to do them, I will do them but I will complain about them every step of hte way. Ugh.

I'm so glad they are almost done.

They just suck. There is no way to make this task fun.

No way.

I'm at a bar, listening to Matt and Sherri on Youtube. And that's the irony.

It is how I relax.

They are talking about intamacy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaJ25Ao5J5E

Matt published an article titled, "Her Touch," on SoberandUnashamed.com. The article exposes a new aspect of sex and intimacy that Sheri and Matt have never discussed, and Matt is super anxious about it. Anxiety is a universal expression of fear, and we are not immune even after years of vulnerability.

He said he was upset that no one commented, but it was it was a touchy subject so naturally I'm going to read it and comment.

https://mattsalis.medium.com/her-touch-sober-and-unashamed-96cd2ae5dd6f
My comment to him:

I'm sorry you didn't get much engagement from your touch article. It is a very delicate subject, but I read it and it did resonate with me. Thank you for being your authentic self once again and showing that it is possible to be authentic and connection-driven without substance use. It's a phenomenon that my loved one still hasn't clung to but that which I crave and have had to cling to in other areas of my life.

Good things:

Esra telling me that my class in 6th period was the first class she was authentically able to speak English in all day. (How sad for, her, but yay I'm doing something right, right?!)
Aaron writing his reading reflection telling me that he didn't read but he did look up cures for his sprained wrist and how worried his is about it that he can't play baseball this season. It's not good he hurt his wrist. It is good that he is OK communicating this with me in writing in English.
Mauricio checking out another animal book at the library.
Pixar movie shorts with 11th/12th Grade. We should all watch Pixar shorts.
Renee Westlake. Seriously. Breath of fresh air. She believes in all of us and loves her job. Loves all of our jobs. I love all of my interactions with this woman.
Ms. Krishna. I told her my students think of her as mom and this overjoyed her. She is also the second person in school I opened up to about Cameron's addiction. And I didn't mean to. She was sitting on my TPS reports and I felt bad for outing her. I had to open up with humanity first. She felt bad and opened up about being overwhelmed. It seemed appropriate. She mentioned not communicating with her husband. Not knowing what 10am looks life in real life becuase where are we all at 10am. She mentioned not living life. Being here until 4, going home, grading and planning, coming back and repeating the cycle. She hit me in MY feels. She mentioned not seeing her husband. I mentioned the same. I mentioned not WANTING to see my partner. Not feeling seen. She said she loved her husband. I said I didn't like my partner. She said she loved her husband but he made her feel like a child. She actually said he told her he wasn't her father and she needs to grow up. I wondered about that for a second and thought about everything I talked about in therapy and family group. I said my partner was in addiction and mental health treatment. She said I just needed to love him more. What? That is what you are not supposed to say. I said I was doing my work and he was doing his. I said I couldn't love him sober. She agreed. And then her kids started coming in for after school tutoring and she started introducing them to me one by one. She cares. She's one of the good ones. But we are both lacking so much connection it isn't funny. She needs to be back in India. I need to fly out of the country so bad.
Going the alternative route today. Throwing out my plans. Going to check out books and read them. Going on a scavenger hunt to find red and blue things and take pictures of them around the school. Authentic conversations.
Emily Gibson walking into my room 5th and seeing my and her students hanging out an eating lunch. Maybe she will see how I connect. I know she so desperately wants to connect. And I want her to. But she's so young and she wants to so badly connect with our kids but also wants to play the authority card. And there's a way to play both. And I'm so glad she stopped by today. She needs to experience adult converation and I need to experience connection with her. Maybe I am doing her a favor. Maybe I'm doing my students a favor by connecting with her. I gave her my personal phone number! She is so academic right now and not real people focused. I think it's good for people like Ambar and Sofiia to see that I can have conversations with people I don't really get along with...

Alcoholism in Movies, Musicals, and Media

2025-03-22T00:09:00.002-04:00

I should start a video series but this would be my first one.

https://youtu.be/DMS18ShVrZw?si=IuSbzvTlx1cQL8vv

For sure.

He was a complete basatard!
I hated the sod for thirty three year,
we should never have married of that i'm quite clear,
he spent the housekeeping money on whiskey and beer and never lifted a finger.

times were hard,but the slime rolled back pissed,
so we'd fight and he'd swing and he rarely missed,
so i clobbered the sod when he couldn't resist, asleep you can't lift a finger,

but we'd go dancing, and he'd hold me tight,
he was air, he was water, he was breath, he was light,
and he would hold me there with all his might and it was bliss for an hour or so,
but then they called time to go, and in the morning we were sober.

oh he'd drink and he'd talk just like a fool,
lie like a bairn, snore like a mule,
rarely was sober pretty much was the rule and he never lifted a finger,

i suppose times were hard,things were different then,
women were women and men, they were men,
seventeen, that was it,your life ended when you had a ring around your finger

but we'd go dancing, he was my own brando,
and for a moment there my heart was aglow,
we had dust on our hair and nowhere to go,
but we were free for an hour or three,
from the people we had to be,
but in the morning, we were sober,

but if i went through my time again oh i'd do without the help of men,
well at least your grandad but then again you know best not to linger,

what is the use of dreaming now,
i had my chance well anyhow,
if i'd only know then what i know now,
i'd have given them all the finger.

and gone dancing,
and not give a shit,
spin around and reel and love every bit,
and i'd dance alone and enjoy it, andi'd be me for and entire life,
instead of somebody's wife,
and i never would be sober.

Last Update: June, 10th 2013

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The best laid plans...

2025-03-07T17:31:00.002-05:00

We all have plans - plans for ourselves, plans for our families, plans for our careers, and plans for our most important relationships. The funny thing about plans is that in order to ensure their fulfillment we need a level of control that humans just don't possess. So maybe more important than having plans is having the acceptance and inner peace to be OK regardless of the outcomes of life.

Please write about a situation that has not turned out as you planned. You don't have to write about the glaring, obvious situation, but you can. And you don't have to write about your acceptance of outcomes in the past tense like you have always had everything figured out. You can write about how you are learning to accept outcomes in the present and future.

The best laid plans often go awry very quickly in alcoholic relationships.

I didn't even know I was in an alcoholic relationship until it was too late.

I had such plans of teaching abroad after my MA Applied Linguistics degree.

I had such plans of NOT teaching with the public school system of GA. Any public school system in the United States. At the time, I was going with the knowledge that C had supported us through my Master's degree and I wanted to support his wishes. His wishes were NOT traveling. But he kept telling me I could teach wherever I wanted to. And I wanted to go abroad but I didn't want to disappoint him. So I applied to be a substitute teacher with the local school district. And then I got hired at the local charter school. And talk about not going as planned. I hated every moment of that year. But my fifth graders that year are my seniors in high school this year and I don't feel any different about teaching public school. It's soul-sucking. I didn't listen to my gut then and I'm not listening to my gut now.

But I am closer to knowing what I want.

And I want out of this country.

I don't know where, but I know I want out.

No more FUCKS to GIVE (An Echoes of Recovery Post)

2025-02-12T17:40:00.001-05:00

Please think of a real, actual situation you experienced. Please tell the story adding one little twist: tell what would have happened had you participated in the story 100% authentically and vulnerably with no f&*#@s left to give. What would you have done or said? What reaction or response would you have received? How would you have reacted to that response?

The story can be about your relationship with your alcoholic, but it doesn't have to be. We all have challenging relationships with family, friends, neighbors and coworkers to draw from as well.

For some of us, this might be a totally nonfiction story. For many others, you will have to imagine the scenario had you approached a real life situations with no f&%@!s left to give.

I really do have no more fucks to give.

I like to say that out loud, but I don’t live by the motto.

Usually by the time it comes down to brass tacks I think better and do give a fuck and actually do what I’m supposed to do and am resentful about it.

To think of an actual situation is going to take time though.

I could say every day lately when I come home from work or from where ever I’ve been and C shuts me out and ignores me and doesn’t even say “hi” or “how was your day?” I could say no, I have no more fucks to give about that. But I’d be lying. I could say I have no more fucks to give about the state of his recovery, because I know I can’t control it.

And I know I have no right to have fucks to give about his behavior around the house but I do because it affects me.

I have no more fucks to give because I literally cannot give any fucks anymore. If I did have fucks to give I would confront him and say

FUck it I have no more fucks to give about this prompt right now and just want to watch mindless YouTube vids and color! I’ll be back later in the week to write something more substantial.

What are you holding onto? That part of you is dead. (An Echoes of Recovery Post)

2025-01-23T17:36:00.004-05:00

As we drove down my neighborhood street on a recent Sunday morning, I noticed a tree that still had all of its leaves on it. Sheri said it was a Japanese Maple. I don't know, but it sure looked silly with all of those brown, lifeless leaves in the middle of January. I said out loud to the tree, "What are you holding onto? That part of you is dead."

How would you answer that question? Please write about it.

What am I holding on to?

I am holding on to

A lot of things

I am holding on to

My youth

It's easy to say I'm holding on the part of me that wants everything to be OK

I'm holding on to

You

I am holding on to the ability to tell myself that everything will be OK.

I am holding on to me.

I am holding on to my sanity.

I am holding on to my serenity.

I am holding on to my ability to cope

With everything.

I am holding on to the idea that life is the same as it was before we met

I am holding on to the idea that we will be able to travel freely again

I am holding on to the idea that people will be allowed to be themselves.

I am holding on to the idea that if I didn't want to be a woman anymore, I could be any gender I wanted to be.

I am holding on to the idea that the next generation will be alright.

I am holding on to a lot of ideas.

Oy.

I am holding on to the space where Ariana Grande can play the good witch AND have tattoos.

I am holding on to the idea where my voice means the same as an immigrant 17 year old's and we are both safe.

I am holding on to the space where I am able to tell my alcoholic but not recovered partner everything and have him tell me everything will be OK.

I am holding on to the idea that I have a voice.

I am holding onto the idea that I MATTER.

I am holding onto hope.

I know hope is dead.

I know January is a long month. I am holding on to January.

I am holding space for my newly arrived to the country students.

I am even holding space for the loud-mouthed Brazilian teenagers that just love life and hate reading. Even if they told me to day that non-binary people don't exist. They are young and uneducated.

I am holding on to the space and idea that the education system works for everyone in this country. I know it does not.

It doesn't even work for me and I am the teacher.

I am holding on to the idea that Pigma Micron pens make me feel better about life.

I am holding on to the idea that journaling is theraputic.

I am holding on to the idea that I can make a difference even though I've been told I don't.

I've been holding on to the idea that I can have a relationship where I am heard.

I have been holding on to the idea where I can have a relationship where I am seen and felt deeply and emotionally.

I am fool for holding on to this idea.

That part of me is definitely dead.

https://750words.com/stats/RockstarTeacher2024/cJB-0cTrM1Wfep3c5yje

Difficult Conversations: An Echoes of Recovery Post and Brainstorming

2025-01-12T20:51:00.002-05:00

Please think about a conversation you are dreading. Please write two scripts for how the conversation might go. One of the scripts should be your best case scenario where the person with whom you are communicating is a good listener, maintains emotional safety, and offers the feedback you are hoping to receive. The other script should be the worst case scenario.

Remember, you can't control another human's reaction, but you can control how you respond to their reaction.

The conversation does not need to be with your alcoholic partner, but it can be. It can even be a conversation with a previous alcoholic partner with whom you no longer communicate. It can just as effectively be a conversation with a different family member, a coworker, a neighbor, etc. The "who" is not the point. Preparing for a challenging conversation from all angles is the idea here. Maybe preparation will bring you a step closer to feeling ready to initiate the conversation.

Ideas for conversations:

1. Are you aware you were taking advantage of me financially for 7+ years?

2. Are you in true emotional sobriety?

3. Why do I feel like an adolescent around you?

4. Did you truly gaslight me into teaching in the states 7 years ago?

5. Are we ever going to to be able to travel again?

6. Why do I feel like you run every show?

Book Haul Revisit for December 2024

2024-12-31T23:43:00.001-05:00

A Warning to Selfless People Pleasers...

2024-12-31T22:46:00.001-05:00

"Self-sacrifice earns contempt. Self-development and self-investment earns respect." (An Echoes of Recovery Post)

2024-12-31T18:54:00.003-05:00

The writing prompt for next Wednesday's sessions is:

"Self-sacrifice earns contempt. Self-development and self-investment earns respect."

That is a quote from American entrepreneur, author and motivational speaker Jim Rohn. I don't know anything about the man beyond these words shared with me by a friend, but I definitely like these words a lot.

What do Jim Rohn's words mean to you? How do they inspire you? Please try to look beyond your alcoholic relationship to other connections in your life. Do you have examples of living this doctrine, or do you have goals to live it in the future?

I do like this quote a lot even if I understand it minimally.

I have to know who this man is, so I googled him and the following popped up on his wikipedia page:

"Emanuel James Rohn was born at Yakima, Washington, to Emmanuel and Clara Rohn. His parents owned and worked a farm in Caldwell, Idaho, where Rohn grew up as an only child. He was born to a poor family, became a millionaire at age 30, and went broke when he was 33. He later became a millionaire again.^[1] Rohn left college after one year.^[2]

Interesting.

Not really. I'm really just avoiding getting down the fact that I don't feel like expressing my feelings. I've sacrificed a lot of myself, not only in my alcoholic relationship, but also in friendships, with my family of origin, and strangers and roommates I am no longer in contact with. Maybe this is the reason I found myself as a co-dependent in an alcoholic relationship to begin with.

12/29/24 5:49pm

His wiki page also says he mentored the founder of Herbalife, which is kind of a reprehensible organization but I guess I can overlook that for the sake of this post.

Every time I sacrificed anything I felt great in the moment but shitty later on.

12/31/24 6:38pm

I think this quote resonates with me because the word sacrifice never feels good. When you give a piece of something away from yourself, you may feel good in the long run because outdated sources told you that sacrificing oneself was holy and good, but long term you feel like you cheated yourself.

It's hard to think past my alcoholic relationship because, as I'm quickly realizing writing this post, so many self-sacrificing situations have come up there. I have sacrificed so much of my hobbies, friends, fun, me time, even what I know about myself (because who really knows themselves and what they like) to my relationship in the past years its daunting and overwhelming to even think about.

I sacrifice a lot of myself at work, because my job and school district expect me to. I have given up my lunch hour, planning hour, and ended up working later in the day because -- students, other people need me. Other people's issues and problems are more important than my own. And intellectually, when I type this out I know it's not true, but in the moment, when the situation arises, and when someone comes up to me at work and presents an issue and I run through the mental list of everything I have to do that hour, I will drop everything because it makes me feel better about myself in the moment to help someone else than to help myself. Later I curse this decision when I haven't finished turning around that assignment that I need for the next day's class and am doing that at 9pm rather than sleeping, but in the moment all hell breaks loose in my mind and I DON'T MATTER.

Because I don't have kids of my own, a lot of my thoughts have turned inward toward my own childhood. And in thinking about this thought, and keeping to the topic of self-sacrifice, I do remember a lot of my childhood friendships being built on the fact that my "friends" expected me to share material things with them and I would without expecting something in return. It made me feel good to feel needed. Particularly around the ages of 12-14. At summer camp we had a hobby of collecting string and beads for bracelets. I and another girl were the go-tos at camp for supplies, but we had spent our own allowances on those supplies and gave them out freely when other girls asked, thinking it was being generous and kind. I remember being praised by adult leaders and even parents for doing this. But when my own supplies dwindled, and I found myself wanting to use them to make something of my own and I was missing a color, I was very upset with myself and probably just wrote it off.

I can't think of a time other than now, that I am really investing in myself.

They tell you when you are becoming a teacher that you don't do it for the income. That you should expect long days and longer nights. I've invested in this career for a while now and have a lot of the mental preparation done. But There never is enough. It's never enough. There is always something someone wants more. The school district will always be built on the assumption that some teacher somewhere, because we are majority women or because we have "hearts of gold" that someone will give unpaid labor to the resource pool and because one person does, everyone else should too.

And that is what breeds contempt. And resentment. I am so contemptuous at my job. I'm resentful that I've put in 40+ years of life and 15+ years into a career that I have no real anything to show for it.

It's time to stop that shit.

It's time to start investing in and respecting myself.

Only one problem. I have no idea how to do that.