Banditsblog

Travel Fun

2014-01-04T11:13:00.002-08:00

Subject: Flight Difficulties
Message: I have heard horror stories about how airlines mix up flights and reservations but never had any trouble until today. I took a trip to St Johns, Newfoundland for Christmas and had a trouble free, on time flight on the way down. I boarded the plane for my return trip January 3rd in St John's at 01:30 Ft St John time where there were no real difficulties other than standing in line for 45 minutes due to the lack of ticket agents. They picked up the pace considerably, fifteen minutes before flight time, so on board I went.

When I arrived in Toronto I asked a ticket agent where I could find my gate for Vancouver, she then checked it out and told me I wasn't supposed to be on the flight I was on. I replied that it was news to me and why did they let me board the flight from St Johns? She had no explanation for me. She said my flight was supposed to be the next day as my connecting flight was cancelled the day before which was also news to me. She also told me that all flights to Vancouver from Toronto were full, so there was little chance that I would be leaving Toronto anytime soon. She then referred me to customer service and I stood in that line for 30 minutes and when it was my turn to talk to an agent she told me I didn't appear to be in the system. I must stress that I was polite and certainly don't blame individual employees for mix ups. It was then I was informed again that I was supposed to be on a flight the next day to Vancouver via Montreal. I said nobody told me to which she replied that they reportedly had no email or phone number and couldn't contact me. I told her I was a Aeroplan member and both addresses and email were registered so she told me she didn't know why that would be.
Then she said she found me and gave me a ticket, now I'm smilin'. As I was walking away, I noticed the name on the ticket was for A. Harris, being smarter than the average loon, I returned and told her my name was Michael J Harrison like the same guy on my itinerary. She thanked me for noticing that right away and we started over, the agent was very professional and polite and I actually liked dealing with her.

She got me on a flight to Vancouver a nice wide body 777 which I had to scramble to catch. I couldn't help but notice quite a number of empty seats just from where I was sitting, about six I believe. The other agent said the flights were all full, I'm thinking. It's also hard to sit back and enjoy a flight when you are wondering if you are going to get home.

When we land I go looking for a ticket agent from Air Canada but the only one I could find had a line up. I walk urgently for awhile and find a flight for Ft St John which they say is delayed on the airport departure monitor. I run down to a customer service agent and hand him my paperwork where I tell him my troubles. He books me on a flight to Ft St. John and calls them to hold the plane for me. I grab my ticket and run out to the aircraft boarding as all of the passengers are looking at me like I delayed their flight. I am now airborne and hope I don't go into hypoglycemic shock as it's had to eat when you're running to catch a flight.. Not being able to pay cash or debit for food on a flight is very annoying.
When we landed in Ft St John I did the obligatory wait for my luggage knowing it wouldn't be on there as I was the last person on the plane and it was in a hurry. I then waited again at the Air Canada and talked to the representative who told me I had to wait about 15 - 20 minutes to see if it showed up. As my ride was waiting for me, and I was exhausted, I left for home. I called your lost baggage number and was told by a representative that there was an unusually high volume of calls and they would have to call me back, which they did, later last night, but I was sleeping and missed it. I was left a polite message and given a number to call which today has been busy for a half an hour and I haven't got through yet . I went out to our airport in Ft St John this morning but the terminal was dark and appeared to be closed.
I did get a phone call last night from a Air Canada representative Marsha in New Brunswick: # 506 693 2977 who asked me if I was still in Toronto. I told her I was home and she asked me, how I got there! I told her the number of the flight, AC 181 took me to Vancouver.
I totally understand that airlines are going to have difficulties, especially with weather in our country, but my problems didn't appear to be related to that. There appears to me to be some serious communications failures in your system and I found it a very difficult start to my new year.
On the positive side, the flight down was great and all of your agents and reps were as helpful and polite as they could be.
I would appreciate a reply and hope my information can help you to improve in the future.
Sincerely,
Michael J Harrison
Aeroplan # 386-762-603

Heeb Memories

2013-12-24T10:08:00.001-08:00

Local News

2013-12-20T06:29:00.001-08:00

A local employee who bravely fought off attempts by some co-workers to warm up their lunch in a restricted area has been murdered.

J. Paul Stunnedprick was beaten to death with a barbecue flipper, by an enraged cook with frostbite.

J. Paul Stunnedprick pulled himself away from an important filter change to save the workers, who were having a Christmas luncheon. Unbeknownst to the employees, people underneath them in a building foyer were attempting to use a propane BBQ surrounded by the highly volatile construction substance: concrete.

Stunnedprick learned of the evil plot while working away at his job at a local mill. He immediately dropped all his oil soaked rags and absorbent sheets and bravely set out to squeal and save the day. Sadly, a memorial site was set up for Stunnedprick around the rag and oil pile in his honour.

In response to the tragedy, a provincial government cease and desist order went out to all owners of household appliances, powered by propane, to immediately shut down or use outdoors to prevent oxygen starvation, and hot meals.

Police led away the accused murderer who was heard by witnesses at the scene muttering, "That annoying little prick!".

People wishing to donate in Stunnedprick's memory are asked to direct all monies to The United Heads for Hemp in British Columbia.

2013-01-16T07:38:00.005-08:00

(CP) - FIREFIGHTERS RESCUE B.C. HOARDER

FT ST JOHN, B.C. — Eleven firefighters cut through a door and then sawed a pathway through ceiling-high mounds of garbage packed inside a midsize Ft St John, B.C., home to rescue a simple, but lovable, man who had been pinned under a 16 by 16 ft. spice rack for at least three days.

RCMP were called to the house in the rural area east of Ft St John Monday night after an anxious beer drinking friend reported not seeing the neighbour, in his late 50's, for several days.
Police sought the aid of the Ft St John Fire Department, whose members arrived later that night to help them gain entry.

Inside, they discovered “quite a collection” before uncovering the trapped man, said Assistant Fire Chief Greg Mervin.
“These fellows had to go in and try and find a problem there, and they had to dig through thousands of spice containers to find this fellow,” he said on Tuesday, adding the man was suffering severe dehydration after running out of beer.

There was neither heat, electricity or Dominos pizza boxes in the house.

The man was pulled through the pile of spices semiconscious, muttering mostly unintelligibly something about Aunt Vagina's Pancake Mix. “Had it been another day or two, with our cold temperatures, the outcome may have not been as good as it was. It was probably very rewarding for these firefighters.”

The incident required more emergency workers than for a typical rescue, he said, adding city bylaw officers have been previously called to the same home for complaints from neighbours about the used paint brushes piling up on the outside of his property.
The fire department comes across dangerous hoarding situations about a few times a year, he said.

"I wouldn’t say it’s a regular occurrence,” he said. “There’s probably a few more people out there that we don’t know about. Until something happens, it’s not discovered.”

The man is recovering in hospital and being treated for possible circulation problems in both legs and his head.

Workin' with Mikey

2012-06-10T10:07:00.003-07:00

The place where I work just underwent a four day shutdown for maintenance. Now, over these days a few disagreements do arise, one of which I was a part of. I work with this fellow, Mikey whom I will refer to as my partner as he calls me his, when he isn't mad at me. During this maintenance we were to change oil in a gearbox. This is a pretty simple process unless Mikey is helping. What normally is a 7 part operation became 27 parts. He has the thought in his head and set in his reinforced concrete cranium that all oil, regardless of viscosity, must be heated with whatever device he can lay his hands on. There has been many a shutdown when Mikey was berated for hugging a gearbox or two, and why he has to first get naked is anybody's guess, but today he found his personal favourite, an electric barrel heater, which spares us all the mental image.

The draining of the tank was uneventful if you don't count Mike bitching that we had to use a pump as the oil was too cold to drain out at room temperature. We hook it up and Mike ventures forth to get a new barrel. My mistake, I thought we could just pump it in like they do at normal mills. I forgot to remember we needed to heat it. While waiting for him, I decided to assist the guys who were working on the gearbox by washing down the greasy, black safety guards. The barrel wasn't in danger of overflowing and there were three people there, so I left it running and went down to clean the guards, just helping the guys out. Upon arrival at the pressure washer station, I found that it wouldn't work. I then took the guards to the varsol tank where 2 separate employees Ken and Howard gave several tips and complained that I was messing up their varsol tank. You must realize I am just an employee, the rest of them are employee/owners. If one was masturbating in the middle of the shop, someone wouldn't hesitate to stop to point out any errors they felt you were making in your technique.

After my scolding downstairs, I am approaching a higher irritation level as I head back upstairs only to be greeted by Mike who is complaining that I left the scene and ruined the pump, which is bullshit. Now, I am pissed off. Let's just get this done, I'm thinking.

Now the job of refilling the gearbox is about to begin. Mike directs me to go up top and watch the level rise while he runs the pump. As the level goes up I tell Mike to "Stop" which he ignores,"Stop" he ignores again." Whoa!" I scream "Unplug the pump, you deaf bastard!". He finally follows the last plea, and then is mad. "Why didn't you say so?" he yells.

"I did, moron", I just as angrily replied.

I guess that the pump I ruined, still fakes pumping, really well.

Then I tell him we have to drain the gearbox down again as he wouldn't stop and the gearbox is over full. This apparently is all my fault as I didn't tell him when to stop. He gave me a quick sermon that morning for using words that had more than 3 syllables, 2 is his limit. I didn't jump down to help him as he came up with the make work project idea, let him run with it.

Breaking the lines apart he manages to spill oil all over himself, which again, I am cursed for. He then starts the pump and I shut the tap off when it reaches the proper level. If you are wondering why I didn't use the tap for the fill procedure it's because Mike made the hose up without clamps and I didn't want to give myself and the millwrights a drenching with Mike's superheated oil when I slammed the valve shut. Another reason is that it doesn't look very professional when you burn people and they break their necks trying to leave the accident scene slipping in the hot oil.

I think me and Mikey need a little time apart...

Humour

2012-04-18T10:09:00.001-07:00

Fredo and Grant were hanging out together one weekend. Being down on their luck, they were looking to buy a car. Fredo, being the natural leader and head plumber, led the two to a local car dealer. The salesman showed them a car for $3000.

"Way too high!" said Grant.

"How about this $500 special?" the salesman inquired.

"Still too much" growled Fredo.

The salesman, annoyed said,

"How about this traffic trained camel for $25?"

He went on, "This camel is fully trained for traffic signals , he stops on red, goes on green, and exercises caution at yellow".

"Sounds like we got a deal", cried the two.

They paid their money and off they went, but they returned an hour later.

"What happened?" asked the salesman.

"Everything was going well" said Grant. "We were sitting at a red light when a car pulled up beside us and the driver said. "Look at the two assholes on the camel, we got off to look, and the light turned green.

Workin' With Fredo

2012-03-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

I am a man who likes a shot, I can give them and I can take them, and today I was given a rather good one. There is a fellow named Fredo that we are employed with, who has been known to come out with the odd sarcastic remark. I actually like Fredo, but I can't for the life of me figure out why. We were discussing the pros and cons of muscle cars from the 60's and 70's and I asked him if he was in to them when he was younger. "No, not really, a vehicle was just a form of transportation for me and a money drain."

Fredo has never been known as a particularly optimistic or cheerful chap.

Now here I'm thinking we have some common ground, me and Fredo. "I wasn't into them either, I always liked a big luxury car."

"Like a Chrysler New Yorker so you could have a girlfriend in the back seat." said Fredo.

"Or the front" I said, my mind wandering back to my teenage years of amorous adventures with lovely young ladies.

"I guess a car that big, she could put her paws anywhere."

Direct hit, the bastard.

Life Changing Event

2012-03-04T11:08:00.000-08:00

I recently acquired a CPAC machine which stops the fatigue you get from sleep apnea. It puts a positive air pressure to your throat so you don't stop breathing in the night. What an amazing difference, I wish I had known about this years ago. It has only been 3 nights, but I feel so much better, I think my whole outlook on life has changed. Those late night charlatans should be selling these instead of colon cleanses and "revitalizing" berry juice. It probably wouldn't hurt to send CPAC machines to the middle east, they may fight all the time because they don't get any quality sleep.

I noticed the difference the very next morning, after a few yawns I said to myself: "Self, wow, I feel rested." Going up the stairs wasn't a chore and I had energy to exercise and do things I have been putting off for awhile due to fatigue. As of last week after work, I would been in bed no later than 8:00 pm and wake up feeling just as tired when I went to sleep. My doctors told me I would feel so much better when I quit drinking over 2 years ago, but I didn't notice much change. I never felt the benefits of feeling better from exercise and my blood sugar from diabetes was all over the place. In the last 3 days I haven't taken any insulin and my numbers are looking pretty good.

This afternoon I am going for my second bike ride and carry on this new way of life. The only problem now I hear, is convincing the insurance company that I need such a machine, as they run about $2500.

More later

Hello, is anybody there?

2012-02-19T17:56:00.000-08:00

Hi,

I was just discussing carbon monoxide detectors with my sister. Her's is a tad touchy and goes off and then she resets it and it's good for about a month. She was complaining about the loud beeping noise it makes when it goes off. I very nicely told her that they used to have an alarm that went off and played Percy Faith and his Orchestra, but people hummed themselves back to sleep and never woke up again, resulting in declining sales volumes. Then she asked me if I was staying for long...go figure.

I was wondering if anybody was reading my blog or I'm just typing into the atmosphere, so feel free to become a follower. It doesn't mean you are joining a cult or anything, all it does is tell you when I have decided to enrich the masses with some of my brand of wisdom.

Pigeons Part 2

2012-02-11T11:17:00.000-08:00

Breaking News - Feb 2012

(Reuters) - The U.S. Military has sent out an urgent message warning that a renegade flock of military pigeons have escaped from a federal air force military stockade in Washington state.

These birds were caged for various offenses including strafing innocent civilians in Afghanistan. The highly trained avian squadron are known for their uncanny ability to spread the deadly disease, Schwab Syndrome, by fecal bombing runs and all indications are that they have crossed the border into the province of British Columbia.

One of the major concerns is that several 25 pound containers of military grade Ex Lax Enriched Bird Seed has been reported missing from the base also. The news has British Columbians looking towards the heavens with fear and trepidation never knowing when this band of heartless killers will strike.

The government has called for all measures to be taken to protect Canadians from this band of renegades. Rumour has it that the world famous, Small Penis Brigade from Ft St John B.C. has taken up arms to defend the province. SPG Fire Team leader Ozzy Fuzzywuzz has said the brigade is ready to fight to the last man and has been practicing war games and threat scanning at Wal-Mart for many years. "The brigade may be small in some areas, but we have big, large, guns coupled with many character defects that we aren't afraid to use." he said. Sergeant Ben Baldilocks vociferously stated "I know how Churchill felt, I warned about Pigeon shit long ago, but they only laughed at me, who's laughing now?''.

Membership in the brigade is secret for obvious reasons, but their invincibility and fearlessness has even frightened some people out of the lunch room where they work.

It's true that they are a hard and nasty lot, but when the masses are fearing for their very lives against mortal danger you have to call for the rudest, most obnoxious, bunch of pricks you can find.

In this serious hour in our nation's history, all we can now do is wait and wonder what tomorrow may bring, and if Fuzzywuzz and his troops can save the day.

No Thanks, I'm Good

2012-02-11T06:42:00.000-08:00

My nephew dropped by on his way to school this morning and he was oddly very cross. He wasn't happy with anything, so I asked him if he got enough sleep last night. "Yes" was the curt reply.

I told him that sometimes people are just plain miserable in the mornings and that's okay once in a while. I recalled for him a friend of mine, when he was 10 and having problems being bitchy in the early part of the day, that his mom came up with a solution.

"Do you want to know what that is, bud?"

"What" he replied

"She hauled off and kicked him so hard in the prunes, he had 3 adam's apples. Ever since then, he never had any trouble with bitchiness in the mornings."

I little while later he still seemed a little disgruntled, so I said, "Hey bud, you still seem troubled, would you like me to try that therapy on you my friend got?"

"No thanks, I'm good," he says.

This is a very precocious child, I can recall when he was 5 years old, he jumped into a wheelbarrow and said to his grandfather, "Grampa, I'm ready to roll... literally."

His mother was away in Edmonton for a week when he was seven and she had been calling him twice a day for several days. After the 6th call he says, "Mom, enough with the phone calls! It's like you're stalking me."

One I just heard of from a friend who has twin girls. He was over at their house telling a friend of the girls how long he had known them. "Oh, a long time we used to have baths together when we were little, but our moms don't want us to anymore." Then with all the innocence of a 10 year child he looks off into the distance.

"Yeah", he mused "good times".

Sarcasm Part 1

2012-02-09T09:46:00.000-08:00

I am a natural teaser and a wee bit sarcastic. It could stem from my early childhood when Uncle Perv saw me in my highchair for the first time. "Lightnin' kill that ugly bastard, he'll never amount to anything." A nice guy, Perv, and he really hates that name I gave him as I'm sure mother didn't appreciate the moniker Lightnin'. I guess my sarcasm could stem from that incident as an inherent survival instinct.

Then again, my whole family is sarcastic, not cruelly so, but usually a smart ass comment to just about anything. If any of my family members were painting a house and you came up and said, "You're painting your house?" It is guaranteed you are going to get a shot like, "No, actually I'm retorquing the heads on my 57 Chevy." "What the hell does it look like?"

Teasing games at work are fun and good for morale, it usually gives everyone a chuckle and they usually are never mean spirited. People that don't want to play the game are usually left alone, and the doofus of the week goes to who ever made a mistake, whose team lost, whose vehicle broke down, whatever. I have had the dubious distinction of "Doofus of the Week" justifiably more times that I can count.

The sad part of the game is when you get a person in the group who, while a great participant when someone else is the victim, feels he is beyond reproach. When it is their turn I like to make an extra special effort to make them feel part of the group, especially if they are particularly touchy. Some of the nasty things they have to say just cut me to the quick, I toss and turn all night, sleep is but a distant dream...

This week a particular individual got so angry that he brought up the previously unknown fact around the workplace that I had been treated for depression. He actually just wrote a note that stated "I'm glad you retards stick together, it might help you with your depression." Bringing up someone's medical history is usually well off limits, but this fellow is obviously desperate, why, I don't know. (It was only a little teasing about a bird) I was actually thinking about going public around the mill to maybe help with others who are victim to the illness to help release the stigma of depression, but I wasn't sure for the same reason. Well now he has forced my hand, and on behalf of sick people I thank him for his efforts to help victims of depression.

While I am on the subject, calling people "retards" seems to be making a comeback, which really bothers me. How can people be so cruel to denigrate members of society that did nothing to anyone to be stigmatized as not worthy? Compared to what? The people who look down on them? There was an official policy for the "not quite right" in a country not that long ago, it was Nazi Germany.

I know people don't really mean anything by it, so why say it? Would you say it in front of family members of that person? Why not just walk up to a person in a wheelchair and say "Hi loser".

The next time you are thinking of calling someone in jest, "a retard", please think about it.

Safety Too Much?

2012-02-04T09:43:00.000-08:00

In several conversations with working people from many blue collar sectors, I wonder if we are going to safety rule ourselves right out of work in the west. How are companies going to compete?

How are the actual working people going to comply?

I am all for safety and have an excellent safety safety record, so I feel I can sound off on this, but the draconian rules are crossing the line into ridiculous. If you go to a drilling rig you have to produce your safety tickets, if you come back the next day, you have to produce them again. You can't climb up a ladder without a safety harness.

I recently heard of a story where four men were fired over a safety violation. Their crime? They drove a company truck off a worksite to smoke outside the fence, but neglected to put on safety belts for the trip. Now there's a compelling reason to deprive someone of a living. What about the couch that fell out of someone's truck on the Taylor hill landing in the middle of the road. One person stopped to move the couch and someone coming up the hill rear ended her. At the incident report later she was asked if she filled out her JSA (Job Safety Assessment) before attempting to move the couch.

Everyone wants to go home at the end of the workday healthy but the aforementioned are some of the issues working people have to put up with. A lot of the new safety rules are wonderous improvements from the past but some of the ridiculous ones should either be cut back or at least give people an appeal process.
How can you use your God given common sense to work safely if you're watching over your shoulder, wondering if you're going to be fired for doing something wrong?

Heebs Short Story

2012-02-04T08:38:00.000-08:00

My brother in law, Heeb has a problem with telling stories, he wanders off subject and can be so far gone that he totally forgets the original point. As this is my week to help people understand how the rest of us feel when they do their thing, I quickly typed out this not so short story to tell to him verbatim. If you don't want to read to the end I understand.

I recently went out to Heeb's garage and moved some firewood and I got to thinking how Heeb always learns things from everything. So, I looked at this wood expanded my psyche and here is what I found.

This piece of wood had a little bit of green plastic from the wheelbarrow rubbed off on it and I thought it could have been the plastic from one of those orange coloured .22 calibre nail guns that hold the nail straight in the barrel. That would make me think that somebody tried to spike the tree to prevent it from being chopped down, but Dick W. the guy who gave it to him would have known about that, I thought. Actually, the plastic on those nails is orange which stems from a company out of Texas called Sunset Enterprises, hence the name. My pseudo uncle Ralph was married to the cousin of the youngest member of the Beemer clan out of Oklahoma, whose sister Mary Lightfoot used to sleep with the husband of the Sunset heir. After several family disputes the colour was adopted.

Speaking of adopted, I used to work with a guy whose adopted son was a distant relative of Sir William Buchanan who used to smuggle kilts out of Scotland. It is not that Sir William had a audience with royalty to get the moniker "Sir" it's because he was a tough son of a bitch that beat the hell out of anyone that didn't call him sir. His wife Clarice loved him very much but had a little trouble in the bedroom, because she couldn't stop singing an old English ballad, Is That It? whenever they made love. He didn't mind it so much, but their neighbour Mildred Highcastle who suffered from debilitating headaches really got angry and threw her chamber pot at their house every time. I don't know why she had a chamber pot as she has running water. Well it turns out that one day she missed their house and the chamber pot landed on the head of an unfortunate bloke who happened to be walking by and sustained serious head injuries. His name was Simon Monroe whose sister Evelyn used to work in a whorehouse under the alias Eve which she derived from the name of a long lost suitor, Steve Winwood

Steve was a travelling salesman who sold fetlock supports for Clydesdale horses, and charmed many a young lady out behind the barn if you know what I mean. It turns out one night old Steve met the grim reaper when one young woman's aunt Marie killed him with a shovel she purchased from a drunken McLeod's store owner Gabriel Farnsworth. Gabriel was basically a good man, but he fell victim to the demons of the drink when his beautiful schoolteacher had an affair with his half brother Roderick, who was beaten to death by the police and six school chums for telling on her. Her estranged husband at the time was in Egypt to sell a Johnson boat motor to Iranian spies, but got into serious trouble with the morality police when he said he wanted to take out his "Johnson" and show it to everybody. After several explanations from the state department he was freed on a promise to appear with Celine Dion in a series of "It Ain't Over Til The Thin Lady Sings" concerts across the Middle East.

Anyhow, I digressed a bit. When you set the wood in the stove and light it, communications come from the flames, it's uncanny. I learned flame reading from my great Uncle Donald Francis' second wife Louise whose former husband was with military intelligence in WW 2. He was a gifted man although some people were united in thinking he was a bit of a loon. Uh, then after the war he started selling paint chip filler door to door, and then uh started selling bottled tap water in Saskatchewan uh, in a roadblock sales system first, uh perfected in pre war nazi Germany. As, uh it turned out farmer Gilbert Hayes built a road which circumvented the roadblock where people got free water effectively destroying his vocation.

Rumour has it that to this day that Louise's former husband had something to do, uh with the mysterious disappearance of Gilbert Hayes. He went fishing one day with a new pole bought from Kennedy hardware where there was a clearout sale on alkyd based paint. On, uh, that day Carol Hather happened to be, uh, going by the, uh, store wher she was going to meet her lifelong friend Coral Lynn who was on her way to get a Mexican divorce from a Chinese guy.

It turns out that Coral's son never got along with with his stepfather and wanted to go back to Poland to see his Greek girlfriend Alicia Orthos who had, applied for a job as a airline stewardess on a Cessna 150 Aerobat. She suffered from illusions a bit...

Actually, I forgot where I was, oh right. I put the block of wood in the stove and let it burn.

Pigeons

2012-02-01T19:17:00.000-08:00

I recently had an argument with a fellow over whether pigeon droppings caused major health problems leading to death and while I actually found his concerns to be quite funny, he didn't share my enthusiasm. To be fair, I looked it up and discovered, yes, he has rocks in his head. As long as you don't eat the pigeon droppings you can be close to them and live a long life. Yes, laughing at him wasn't very professional, but so what? The guy is a dink.

As it turns out a friend of mine came across this news story and forwarded it to me, it may be satire and some people will claim that I had something to do with it, but that just isn't my way. Okay, maybe just a little bit to do with it, and I do so love these games, I live for them.

(AP Newswire) The American military today announced a formidable new weapon in the war against terror. Due to the astronomical costs of smart weapons and the recent capture of a surveillance drone by the Iranian mullahs, President Obama today approved the use of a new and deadly strategy: Pigeons.

These specially trained squadrons will swoop down unexpectedly on America's enemies dropping fecal matter upon their heads. This will immediately cause them to be infected with the deadly virus, Schwab Syndrome. Upon first contact it causes it's victims to drink copious amounts of coffee, walk in circles, and whine incessantly. This then sets up the victims to be picked off by snipers who easily gut shoot them and they wander off home to die.

The Republican presidential nominees saluted Mr Obama and his administration for this brilliant initiative. Indeed, front runner Newt Gingrich has decided to drop his bid for the nomination and go back to his previous profession; welding, saying "We will never take back the White House now in this election, back to the drawing board."

ADDENDUM : Another set of symptoms of Schwab Syndrome is falsely accusing people of things they would never do, and nervously combing hair that isn’t there.

The New Generation

2012-01-25T10:25:00.001-08:00

I had an interesting encounter with a young man in the Pricesmart parking lot the other day. I was putting my groceries in the back of my truck when I hear a voice, "Can you help me with a head start?". I turned around to meet a maybe 18 year old male.

"A head start?" I asked, thinking of a program for troubled youth.

"Yeah, a head start, our vehicle won't go", looking at me, like I'm simple.

"Do you mean a boost?".

"Yeah", he said.

So I drive over across the street and get my vehicle in line to boost him. I see what I assumed was his mother giving me a blank stare from the passenger seat.

" Do you have cables?", again, a are you ever stupid stare.

" Let me dig mine out then", I said. I must give credit where it is due, he did get the hood up on his own.

"Your cable ends are awful corroded that could be a problem". This time I get the distinct impression he wasn't interested in small talk.

I hook the cables up and tell him to try it, away it goes. "You should leave it running for awhile to charge the battery", I said.

"Maybe", he said.

" Suit yourself Martha". I said sarcastically.

"My name isn't Martha" , with the look.

"Never mind" I said.

How lucky was I to help these people? I sure hope this dumb prick isn't representative of the future or we are in serious trouble.

The Homeless

2011-12-11T08:33:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to wonder if I should ever even bother talking about anything with people. I have my opinion and I think it kind of goes with the thinking that the western world isn't led by people who are totally consumed with their own personal agenda.

A discussion of homelessness came up the other day, which is a real problem, but I don't think it should cause mankind to stop exploring our world and others. How can the homeless people be helped? Are they people who are mentally ill, alcoholics or drug addicts, does the government have the right to force them into treatment or hospitals? Treatment has about a 30% success rate, so what then? Execution? Should mentally ill people be force fed drugs to make them better, but keep them incarcerated so you can keep up the therapy?

When I see people on the street wallowing in their own addictions, I don't look on them with disdain, but a genuine feeling of pity. I have given such people money or other assistance in the past, which a lot will say only adds to the problem, but it is an act of human kindness, one human giving a damn about another.

If a person is starving in Canada, you will be fed, I can't see a circumstance where you won't. Children are another matter altogether, but there are safeguards in place for them also. The system isn't perfect and some slip through the cracks, but it certainly isn't children living at the dump like in some third world countries.

Arguing these points with some people just frustrates me to no end. They will say street people are just "pieces of garbage", but how on the other hand can they say the government should take care of them? I myself could have been one of those people given my problems with addiction, so could any one of us given some circumstances in life, so we shouldn't get too mouthy.

I can't see any easy answers, if any body has a coherent argument I would like to hear it.

Close Enough Construction

2011-10-27T07:12:00.000-07:00

I just spent a couple of days working for my sister, the proprietor of Close Enough Construction. Patty also has a subsiduary called No Fear Installations. She will tackle any project and go boldly where few women would go. I am her construction manager, unfortunately, neither one of us have a clue what we are doing.

We have installed countertops getting instructions over the phone, which had a few glitches, so I suggested putting a beer can on the discrepancies, that`s why I`m the manager.

Patty may only have an axe and a butter knife for tools, but she certainly isn`t cheap with the materials, oak is the only wood we use.

It`s always a pleasant work environment, dark, with a radio and tv going, peppered with machine gun fire and explosions from her grandson`s video game in the basement. Add to this a beep, beep text message every two minutes, backed up by an orchestra of telephones every ten.

On occasion we are visited by Heeb, her loveable, eccentric husband who never won an award for best short story.

At 2:45 every day time for a short break as Patty goes to pick up her grandson who, while intellectually gifted, hasn`t received his doctorate in road crossing. All in all, a positive motivational experience.

I expect that these times will go down as some of my fondest memories unless I get killed leaning against one of our projects that collapses.

Dicks Beware

2011-10-20T08:20:00.000-07:00

It will be interesting to see what sentence the fellow who ran over all the cyclists will receive. His lawyer says it was a momentary lapse in judgement and he thought he hit a post. I have been in court enough times watching people lying their ass off to save their skin. How can you run over 5 people and not notice? Not only the impact, but the screams of the injured would be a compelling secondary clue.

It looks like Khadaffi and his henchmen are history, I 'll bet Assad in Syria isn't sleeping well these days...

Olson off to shovel coal

2011-10-03T07:56:00.000-07:00

So, Clifford Olson is dead, I wonder if they found a dump that will take his wretched remains. Given his horrible track record, I don't imagine he left his brain to science so they could delve into why he could be so cruel. I pray that his demise will help his victim's families receive some peace from this monster. At the very least they don't have to go through the agony of his frequent parole hearings.

Why I Used To Drink

2010-01-16T17:13:00.000-08:00

Why I Used To Drink

I started the day out trying to get a drink of water from a 5 gallon jug – The pump wouldn’t work.I started the day early as my head itched so bad that I couldn’t sleep, so I got up and tried to rearrange this broom closet I live in. It doesn’t matter which way you turn you always knock something over. The itchy head stops as soon as I get out of bed.

I decided then to put up a shelf to place the printer on, it turned out that I needed molly screws which I have at Shayne’s. The major problem with that is I don’t have enough gas to get there, back, and to work on Monday.I’m just about out of dog food and rabbit feed, but have no money.I decide to put up shelf without molly screws, battery on high powered drill goes dead after one screw, can’t find charger.

Not grasping that the day isn’t going well, I turn my attentions to computers, and my nemesis… Windows.

I installed a sound card in Lenovo computer, it didn’t work. Tried to hook up TV/PC monitor, computer tells me that it can’t display this resolution of video which it did previously with no problem. Re-hooked up old display. Tried to hook up another computer, it says I need to activate Windows, which was fully operational on this machine 2 months ago. However, I can’t activate Windows as I can’t install internet card to connect to Microsoft without Windows. I could call Microsoft and activate over the phone, but the phone won’t work in this broom closet I live in. Okay, nix that plan.

I now try to restart Lenovo, the one with 6 gigabytes of RAM. I try 7 separate times, it stays stalled on POST screen, won’t load. I then unplug the bitch and go for a walkabout outside, trying to not lose my volatile temper and smash everything.Hook up computer # 3, it loads but can’t see the fonts very well and the sound cuts in and out.

Okay laptop, it’s you that is going to save the day. It starts well and seems fully operational until I plug in the hot swappable external drive which has worked on all other computers. The computer says it can`t recognize USB device, try to plug it in again and if it still does not work replace it. Thanks for the wisdom, Windows. I feed my beloved dog Bandit, my steak, he`ll be okay for awhile. There is no sense telling anyone about my computer crises, as nobody cares except for my friend, Lisa who isn`t home now, so I am writing this out for therapeutic reasons. After all is said and done, I restart Lenovo which loads fine and is the computer I am typing this on. Go figure. I cracked a beer