Sarah Says...

So Long, Farewell!

2010-04-11T13:31:00.005-04:00

I started this blog in 2005 because I was bored. I had either stumbled across Dooce or Amalah at work and thought, I can do that and boom, that night, Sarah Says was created. I was almost 24 years old, just married, and working at a job I could do in my sleep. I needed something else in my life and this blog became my something. After forcing and harassing friends, even actual strangers from the internet started reading the nonsense I was writing. It doesn't make sense, but it happened, and it was fun. Since then, the consistency of my writing has come and gone, and while I haven't written anything since August of last year, this little blog has hung around.

Since 2005, my life has changed dramatically. I went back to school and got my masters, I survived unemployment, I found a new job, and I'm actually living my professional dream-I'm a school counselor. Michael and I moved from Richmond to Charlottesville almost a year ago and just last month, we bought our first house. I feel like the list should be longer because I feel so different, but long or short, either way, I have changed. It feels like the me of 2005 was playing "marriage" and "job" and "grown up" like a little girl plays house and now, I'm actually living life.

My job is my happy place. I have 345 students who are all mine and I love them all, even the ones I don't. I work 10 hour days and have a 90 minute commute. I run the SCA, did the entire yearbook by myself and just got put in charge of the school greenhouse. I think about my job all the time. I love it. My marriage is good, but I am not going to lie, it is also work and it is hard and some days I wish I was anything but married. We just celebrated our 5 year anniversary and each night I close my eyes and hope that we'll make it to 10 or 20 or 30. Living in Charlottesville has not been everything I hoped it would be. I miss Richmond, I miss my friends, but it's a work in progress. I am doing the best I can and more importantly, I have learned that that is all I can do.

I know that I don't have to close this blog, that essentially it could just sit out here forever, but it feels like it's time to close the book, move on, and even to say goodbye to the old me. Continuing to write here would just feel fake in so many ways. It would be putting on a show, trying to be the me I was then and I just don't have the energy for that. This blog has been good to me and now I should be good to it. It has given me Erika (who is now blogless), who I know will be my real life friend forever, and Jen, who accepts the Twilight obsessed freak I am, and -R- who is helpful and kind and funny, plus so many others whose blogs I will definitely keep reading. This is cheesy, but thank you for reading, and laughing, and emailing, and meeting in real life, and being strangers from the internet who actually aren't that strange at all.

FolderWatch 2009: Day 2

2009-08-04T19:10:00.003-04:00

Ok folks, it's day 2 and we've collected 49 additional folders (that I know of). This is pretty spectacular, but I know we can pick up the pace! I am going to keep the individual standings a secret since everyone is gunning for the #1 Folder Friend spot, but I will tell you that it's a tight race.

Here is some other helpful folder info. The Office Max at 6301 W. Broad Street has gone rogue and seems the most willing to bend policy. They actually let one Folder Fiend buy 25 folders at once! It was a Folder Miracle! Granted, she had to buy them in individual transactions of 6, but it was actually the cashier's idea that she do this. This is also the place that Lauren and I went to twice in one day with only a couple hours between visits. If you're looking to win this contest, you might want to consider stopping by.

To wrap it up, we're at 135 folders (triple digits!) and almost halfway to 300. Everyone is awesome and I am planning the Folder Friend Fiesta to celebrate our victory! Ole!

Will you do me a favor?

2009-08-03T14:09:00.004-04:00

Do you live near Office Max? Do you want to help a friend in need? Pleeeease?

Office Max has their 2 pocket folders (I like the ones without fasteners in the middle) on sale for 1 cent each (maybe that link works?). One cent! It doesn't get any cheaper than that! There's not even tax! 6 folders = 6 cents! It's an AMAZING MATHEMATICAL CALCULATION, I know! It just so happens that I need 300-400 of these folders in order to stay alive. Ok, not to stay alive, but to be a successful school counselor. The catch is (ok there are a few catches): 1. I don't live in Richmond anymore and there are no Office Max stores in Charlottesville 2. Office Max will only let you buy six folders at a time 3. You probably have something better to do with your life than buy folders for a stranger on the internet. Hum. What I do know that is helpful is that the folders are on sale all week, you can buy six folders every day and, if you are sneaky enough, you can most likely go to the same store twice a day (that's what Lauren and I did, it worked). Also, people with teacher ID can buy 12 folders, but that is still not 400 which means that that's not enough.

So, I've enlisted Richmonders I know (all 6 of them) to go buy/hoard folders for me. I currently have 86 folders. That means I need 214 if I'm aiming low and 314 if I am achieving my lifelong goal. I'll be in Richmond on August 14/15 to collect the folders and hand out the BIGGEST PRIZE IN THE HISTORY OF PRIZES to whoever has purchased the most folders.* I am also offering lifelong friendship and unending gratefulness. Oh, and we can meet. It will probably go something like this:
Me: "Hi, I'm Sarah, you bought me folders, I LOVE YOU."
You: "Please stop hugging me. You're just as not cool in real life as you are on the internet."
Me: "Want to go to Panera? Please? Friend?"
End Scene

So, do you have any thoughts? Do you have any compassion for a blogger in neeeeeed?

*Um, I'm lying. The prize will be lame, but meaningful.

You Knew This Was Going to Happen...

2009-06-26T17:53:00.000-04:00

So, I'm just going to say it: I got a job!
I am also going to say this: It's about fucking time!

I had two interviews last week with two different school systems and lo and behold, I got offered both jobs. I'm going to go ahead and rank Wednesday, June 24, 2009 as my personal favorite day so far this year.

The first job was for a part time position at an elementary school right in Charlottesville and the second was for a full time position at an elementary school about 45 minutes away from where we'll be living. I ended up accepting the job 45 minutes away for a lot of different reasons, none of which include the long ass drive (which could be worse, I know) and all of which include that it just felt right (does that sound too lame and counselor-ish?). It was like choosing to go to an all girls college again when going to an all girls school is the last thing you thought you'd ever want to do. When there's only one factor making it not perfect, you do it anyway and it turns out to be the right choice. That's my advice to you--do it anyway. Ha! Look at me giving advice when for the last six months I've been all woe and strife and what do I dooooo with my life????

The school is smallish and as with most elementary schools, I'll be the only school counselor. (Side note: holy moly, I'm actually a school counselor!). I don't have to do anything with testing and I don't have to be in charge of the child study team. This might not make sense but just trust me, these things make a HUGE difference in the quality of school counseling jobs. The principal actually said that she wants my number one priority to be "helping the kids." Basically she said that and then I died because yes, we are speaking the same language, this is what I am all about. I want to Help The Children, we are the world, etc. (Side note: Michael Jackson, OMG).

Needless to say, I'm over the moon about this and, as I expected, it's putting a lot of the other shitty things I've been worrying about into perspective. No, it's not all rainbows and unicorns now and believe me, you will think I am crazy when I fill you in on our upcoming living situation, but it's forward progress. I'll admit it: I even feel a little bit happy. But just a little bit. So thank you, Internets. Thank you for thinking supportive thoughts, sending kind emails, leaving wonderful comments, for being positive when I was not, and mostly for letting me be angry and depressed about things. Now let's all go have a drink to celebrate!

But first, I'd like to address someone out there who I know is googling "I am a jobless loser" just like I was four days ago. Friend, I know It Sucks. No, no, it More Than Sucks. I'm not going to say that it'll work out, you'll end up happier than ever, everything happens for a reason, be optimistic, because I know you know all of that and I know that it doesn't help because it is anything but Fine right now. Instead I'm going to say hell yes, this is bullshit and you have worked too hard for too long to be in this situation and I hate everything and everyone too. So don't SMILE, go drink a huge glass of wine and buy yourself something off the internet because even if you are unemployed, you are still a human being and you have needs.

Knockout

2009-06-18T09:57:00.001-04:00

I know it's barely the end of June but I'm going to go ahead and call it. 2009 is the worst year ever. I hate it. It's miserable. I have never had a year this bad in my entire life. Really. I mean, I was honestly thinking to myself that it couldn't be that bad, and that there had to be other things that have been this horrible before, but I came up with nothing that even closely compared. Out of my 27 years on this earth, not a single year compares to the suck of this one.

I haven't really felt like blogging (but thanks for the nice emails from some of you wondering if I'm okay). I wish I was the kind of person that could sit down and blog about everything that is going on and write out my feelings and feel better, but even thinking about writing everything out in black and white when it comes to this year just makes me want to crawl into a hole and stay there. Plus at this point, things have gone so terribly off course that I don't even know where to start.

The quick and dirty list of everything in my life that has gone wrong/sucks in 2009 is:

lost my job (ok, that was the end of 2008, but it started the whole ball rolling)
unemployment
substitute teaching from hell
continued unemployment
a terrible 2 month interim position that made we want to die every.single.day.
back to unemployment
ongoing friend drama
marriage drama
mother in law (a dull roar of suck all.the.time.)
losing my sense of identity (how dramatic, I KNOW)
feeling responsible for the husband having to give up his dream
oh, we're moving back to Charlottesville
oh, I'm going to be unemployed in Charlottesville too!
active rejection from potential employers
feeling like a LOSER

So that pretty much sums it up. I could write long posts about each of these things but by then my level of depression would be so extreme that you'd have to stage an intervention and send the authorities. Good thing you have this completely accurate drawing of where I live.

Now for the feeeeeelings section (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth). The biggest problem with 2009 is that it is making me hate myself. I feel like the most worthless waste of space there is. I haven't had a real job in six months and that's long enough to make me start to question decisions I've made in my life for the last eight years. A lot of days I feel like I've gone off track, that I'm not where I am supposed to be. A lot of days I don't know who I am. In college I studied sociology and symbols and how we attach meaning to things/rituals/people/places and by doing so we not only give them significance, but we also define ourselves. I feel like I have nothing that defines me. I also feel like I am not actively contributing to socieity which in turn makes me feel badly about complaining. And then I feel badly about complaining because I have been doing this for six months. Even I want to tell myself to go ahead and shut up already. Nobody wants to hear about my woes for this long. They want me to be happy and smiley and 'hanging in there' when the truth is, I'm not.

One of my favorite things to do is google exceptionally overdramatic phrases like "I hate my pathetic life" and "I don't know who I am anymore." I get some pretty awesome hits. There are self-help options which are fine, but mostly I like to read the blogs that come up because Hello, friend, I am your people, we are one. The best phrase I've googled though is, "I am a jobless loser" because it led me to this gem: "You can be whatever you want to be because you are nothing." Honestly, I've pondered this sentence for a long time (I even have it written on a post-it by my desk) trying to decide if it should make me want to die or if it should inspire me. I mean, it's liberating to think that you can be whatever you want to be, right? But it is CRAP to feel like you are nothing. So here I am, feeling like a huge piece of nothing, trying to decide what I want to be.

Wordle

2009-03-31T17:24:00.004-04:00

Apparently I "talk" like a 13 year old girl in my blog.
Like Seriously?

Two Things

2009-03-10T20:05:00.001-04:00

Thing One: Penny Pincher
Michael and I have been on a spending freeze since January 3rd. It started as a way to detox from the holiday spending extravaganza, but was also necessary due to the fact one income is a lot less than two and we had much less money. Thankfully, we are thisclose to being able to live on Michael's salary and had an "emergency fund" in savings, but it did take some major cutbacks.

For us, a spending freeze meant no extra spending on miscellaneous items (clothes, electronics, gadgets, etc.), no eating out, and trying to reduce our monthly bills. The freeze was made easier by the fact that we both had a lot of gift cards from Christmas which were fair game to be spent however, but also made harder than the fact that we had become accustomed to eating out a lot and buying what we wanted when we wanted.

I have to say that just over two months later, I am really really proud of us. We have kicked ass at the spending freeze and have even been able to be more flexible with it now that I am subbing fairly regularly and we know what we can and can't afford. More than anything, the freeze has helped us place more value on our money and realize that the fact that we work very hard for it means that we should be more thoughtful when spending it. It's cheesy, but the freeze has also afforded Michael and I the opportunity to spend more time together and be more creative about what we do with our time. I've learned about free street festivals and museums, geocaching, public libraries, when grocery stores put certain items on sale and, most importantly, that Kroger Zips are only $1.79 a box and are just as good as real Ritz (in fact, they taste even better because they are CHEAP). I only wish we had put ourselves on a freeze years ago.

Thing Two: Human Nature
Alternate Title: The Internet is Awesome
As I've mentioned before (seriously, I am not even going to link to all of the Debbie Downer that has been going on around here), the end of 2008 and 2009 thus far have been one big ball of Suck. What with the losing of my job, the impact of the economy on everything, and the cutbacks in education to name a few, it hasn't been rainbows and unicorns over in my neck of the woods. It sounds trite, but I have found that when I am feeling like this, the smallest gestures really start to mean the most. I am talking about the guy that lets me go in front of him at the grocery checkout or friends that are fine sitting at home hanging out because they know you're not spending money. It's my parents sending us gift cards and my internship supervisor writing me "you can do it, I believe in you!" emails.

The internets have done their part with the random acts of kindness also. First, I got a funny, sweet, totally just what I needed, email from Chelsea out of the blue. Then -R-, of And You Know What Else, who has recently had one of the most adorable babies ever to hit the internet/planet, sent me the sweetest gift and note just because she saw it and thought of me. That's right just because. Just because she is awesome and sweet and thoughtful and listened to all my emails about our bathroom doors ages ago. Also, didn't she just have the baby? Shouldn't I be sending her something? While I strongly believe that human nature is inherently good, I am constantly pleasantly surprised at the kindness that comes from the internet.

100 Things About Me...

2009-02-05T17:00:00.000-05:00

1. When there's a bandwagon, I jump on it. Hence--this list.
2. But I don't like trendy clothes.
3. Especially gaucho pants and ponchos. While the jury appears to still be out on gauchos, I think we should all say a little Thank you, Baby Jesus that ponchos seem to have made an exit. Don't thank me; you're only doing yourself a favor by not walking around dressed like Sacajawea. Also, I am not even going to bring up the skinny jean trend. You do not want to see a grown woman cry.
4. I will buy you the rest of your pants. And some sleeves to make that a shirt. Actually, I probably couldn't buy you anything since I am unemployed.
5. I was born on November 23, 1981.
6. I am young. For now. Still young, but also feeling oldish. Check back with me when I turn 30.
7. I have lived in Virginia my whole life.
8. I went to a small all girls college in Virginia.
9. Yes, it was really all girls. Why do people always ask that?
10. I loved it and have missed it ~~everyday~~ since graduation. I still miss it a lot, but not the same as I did. I miss the people and the carefreeness, but life has moved in better directions.
11. And no, not everyone at an all girls school is a lesbian. I'm assuming this is still true...
12. Only some of them are lesbians and the others think they are lesbians. We call them "LUGs"--Lesbians Until Graduation.
13. I am married to Michael.
14. ~~On Sunday we will have been married for 1 year.~~ In April, we will have been married for 4 years. Time? It flies.
15. I heart Michael.
16. ~~I also say "i heart" a lot.~~ Not so much anymore. I will say "HEART!" but mostly when I'm typing. As for things I say a lot, I've moved on to "LOVE IT" and "Holy Moly." Don't say holy moly out loud because once you start, you can't stop.
17. It is my thing and you will like it.
18. Because, holy moly, I LOVE IT! ~~Heart You.~~
19. My favorite color is pink.
20. I own A LOT of pink clothes.
21. Thanks to Lauren, I organize my closet by the colors of the rainbow.
22. ROY G. BIV 4 Life! So life (see also: moving and having to share a closet with Michael) kind of got in the way of my ROY G. BIV love. Oh what a joy it was to have that much free time (and closet space) to spend on something that fulfilling. I long for the days...
23. I don't have a sister, but I have a brother.
24. His name is Andrew but we call him Andy.
25. I call him Andy Pandy, Sweet as Candy. I also call him Andy-lion like dandelion. Yeah, I guess you have to be there.
26. Everyone thinks he's hot. And he is.
27. But he's my BROTHER. gross.
28. I love my parents.
29. They are the best parents anyone could ever ask for. seriously. Ok, even more Seriously. I think that if I could go back in time and only tell young me one thing it would be to appreciate your parents more. I thought they were strict and clueless and it took me far too long to realize how much fun they are and how much I love spending time with them.
30. I live in Richmond, VA.
31. ~~I like it because it has a lot of malls.~~ Frankly, the novelty has worn off.
32. ~~I work for a non-profit that owns retirement communities, but I don't so much like it.~~ Well we all know how this one turned out. I can't say that I miss my job though. I miss the people, the routine of getting up, going to work, feeling like a part of society, and the paycheck. Otherwise, good riddance.
33. I want to be a ~~high school guidance counselor.~~ elementary school counselor. So did you know that saying "guidance counselor" is SO a thing of the past and SO not the right thing? We're "School Counselors." Get with the program, people. Also, did you know that I LOVE elementary aged kids? I didn't either until I got the chance to work with them. I can't wait to be a counselor at my very own school.
34. I ~~would be~~ will be so good at that job.
35. I give great advice and people like me. I am compassionate and sensitive. seriously. So, um, being a school counselor? not really about giving advice at all. But I will help you figure it out for yourself. My compassion and sensitivity however, will come in handy.
36. I HEART ME! What can I say? I still do!
37. Michael and I have a dog.
38. Her name is Sophie and she is a small black monster. (That is her official breed)
39. She is actually a black cocker spaniel who is afraid of people. I actually think Sophie is less afraid of people now than when I wrote this. Of course, I could just be thinking that because I don't want my dog to be neurotic, but I really think she is.
40. Do not pet her because she is afraid and will pee on my floor. She's also better about this too. Or maybe she's not better, but I'm better at making sure she's been out right before you come over.
41. I started this blog because I am NOT COOL. Alas, I remain NOT COOL. Thank goodness.
42. Then I forced everyone I know to read it. Isn't it funny that now I wish my blog was more anonymous? Note to self: If you tell everyone about your blog they will read it and then you can't say anything you really want to say. Imagine that!
43. When I say everyone, I mean 10 people.
44. When I say forced I mean sent out mass emails and threatened.
45. Sometimes I have anger issues.
46. But I ~~don't~~ want to talk about it. Apparently, I do!
47. I am shy.
48. Seriously.
49. Why doesn't anyone ever believe that? I think I am outgrowing my shyness? Maybe? I hope so. I don't think being shy is really an option for me anymore so I just built a bridge and got over it.
50. I am afraid of going to the dentist. Still true.
51. Seriously afraid. Still serious.
52. When I was a kid getting a filling I closed my mouth too much and closed down on the moving dentist drill.
53. Then the drill hit a non-numb tooth and exposed a nerve. Then I had to get a silver cap.
54. And the dentist squeezed my head and said, "You are being a very bad girl SARAH!"
55. And now I am afraid of the dentist, like wo.
56. And I should be rich because my parents should have sued the EVIL MAN.
57. They taught me to say things like "Evil Man" at my all girls college.
58. We are all man haters.
59. KIDDING.
60. I heart the Counting Crows.
61. And Cowboy Mouth. I still love Cowboy Mouth but I haven't listened to them in forever. Forever ever. I am more about the new NKOTB, The Wreckers and whatever is on the radio. My musical taste has always been questionable.
62. And Train. But only before they were famous because now they are lame.
63. I love romantic comedies. I've also learned that I love action movies. Who knew? Not scary ones, but suspenseful ones.
64. I love movies that make me cry.
65. In fact, I love to cry. I still love to cry but my crying habits have changed a bit. You can't break down crying, even if you want to, when a 5th grader tells you her whole class makes fun of her so you just learn to hold it in. And you hold it in some more. And some more. And eventually you're an unfeeling stone. Welcome to the real world.
66. IN FACT, I have even had people get mad at me because they said I cried too much.
67. These people are perfect examples of why you don't keep all of your high school friends your entire life.
68. Because they are CRAZY. And mean. And hurt your feelings for the rest of your life. I really wish I could strike through this bullet but holy moly, I am not there yet. The whole counseling program has made me entirely too self reflective. I am still working through this. You know, 10 years later.
69. Again with the anger issues, I know.
70. Now I have nice, new Richmond friends.
71. Actually only 1 New Richmond friend because the other moved away. Alert the media, I have more than 1 Richmond friend. That's right, I have 2. Par-tee!
72. I need to make some friends.
73. Do you live in Richmond?
74. I am funny!
75. Will laugh at myself!
76. And at you!
77. The #1 thing I look for in a person is a self-deprecating sense of humor. And let's go with an appreciation of sarcasm with a side of wit.
78. Now this is sounding like a dating website.
79. Which I have actually never tired.
80. Michael is only the second person I've ever dated.
81. And now we're married so dating is kind of a no-no.
82. I had peonies at our wedding.
83. I love peonies. They smell like happiness.
84. And I love the movie You've Got Mail because HOW CAN YOU NOT???!?!
85. And I love the move Ladder 49 because OH MY GOD, can you get anymore sad? You know, I must have just watched Ladder 49 when I wrote this because I cannot think of why I would feel the need to reference this movie. I mean, it's sad, but it's Ladder 49--what the hell?
86. Oh, I just thought that I should probably talk about my obsession with celebrities.
87. Because there is a big one. HUGE.
88. I heart Julia Roberts. And Courtney Cox. And Jennifer Aniston. And 1,000,000 others but hello, there are only 12 more spots on this list. Still love celebrities. A little less with the Julia Roberts and a little more with the Jennifer Garner.
89. And you should know that I heart gross food.
90. This includes, but is not limited to, beef jerky, taco bell and pretty much anything from one of those touch screen menus at gas stations. Oh, and that Tostitos Salsa con Queso. Holy Moly, that stuff is good.
91. yum.
92. One day I am going to have a baby. One day. Hopefully sooner than later at this point because (see #6) I am not getting any younger.
93. With Michael, don't worry.
94. And I am going to be a good mother.
95. And I will ~~guide~~school (?) and counsel that child...because by then I will be a ~~Guidance~~ School Counselor and that is what I do. Ok, really, let's hope that one day I will get a job in my field so this can be true. If I am unemployed forever, I will die. D-I-E, DIE.
96. This is the end of the list.
97. So I'm trying to wrap it up.
98. I wonder if you made it this far? Holy moly, I hope so.
99. If I missed anything, just ask and I will answer.
100. Because I LOVE IT! ~~HEART YOU!~~

So, if I was doing this now I'd need to add:
101. Twilight. Twilight. Oh, and Twilight.
102. Edward.

Other than that, nothing has changed.

Lots of Little Things

2009-02-05T08:14:00.004-05:00

I keep thinking of random things I want to blog about, but none of them seem worthy of their own entry and when you factor in the fact that unemployment has made me apathetic...well...here we are, almost a month since I last posted.

So yeah, I am still unemployed. I am working, but I don't have a job. In fact, I am working at two different things but again, neither one is a job. I am substitute teaching and chaperoning. (chaperoning? is that a job? I don't know how else to describe it.) See, these are not real jobs. Substitute teaching deserves it's own entry, but for now I will just say that my whole subbing philosophy is I can do anything for one day. Of course, after that day is over I may be saying I am never doing that again, but at least I made it through the day. Also, subbing is never boring. Whether it's a puking child, a student asking me if I call my husband "daddy," or a girl standing up and announcing to the class that I better let her use the bathroom because she is on her cycle, it is never ever boring. Sometimes it makes me want to die, but I will not die bored.

The chaperoning work is gravy. For $25.00 an hour I drive to a high school, meet up with five 11th graders, make sure we all get on a school bus, ride on the bus to VCU, sit through an hour science lecture, make sure the five 11th graders get back on the bus, and ride back to the school. It's 2 days a week for 3 hours at a time. I was born to do this job.

This brings me to my next little thing: school buses. Up until the first day I got on the bus, I probably hadn't been on a school bus in 10 years. Let me just tell you that nothing has changed. The floors are the same, the seats are still made out of that thick rubbery material, the windows open the same way, kids still head straight to the seats in the back, the fan is still mounted up front and is still pointed at the driver, the long mirror is still there, and the bus driver still sees you picking on that kid and calling him a loser. Most of all, there are still no seat belts. The no seat belts thing is pretty mind boggling to me seeing as every time we made even the slightest turn I had to hold myself from sliding out of the seat and I am not light as a feather, friends. The only major changes were the tinted windows and the radio. Our bus driver likes gospel music. I like him.

Without any segue, my most exciting little thing to tell you is that I found a secret someone left in a PostSecret book. I have been a fan of PostSecret forever, often making sure to check the website Saturday night before I go to sleep to see if the new secrets are up yet. There is something about this entire process that keeps me captivated. Strangers sending their secrets to one man. This one man having to carry the burden of everyone's secret. The thought of what it's like to see your secret on the website. I think it's an amazing process. I have always heard that people often leave their own secrets in the PostSecret books in bookstores, but up until last month, I have never found one despite my perpetual checking. The secret I found was written on an old, never redeemed, Richmond Braves ticket. I still remember what it said, but I don't feel like it's mine to share. In a year that has been not the best so far, I am counting this as one of the highlights.

Just so you know...

2009-01-06T18:50:00.005-05:00

I didn't die on my walk. In fact, I didn't even come close to dying. I got back from the walk about an hour later and felt like giving up on the whole live blogging thing. Giving up has been a common theme for me lately. It's what this whole unemployment experience feels like, although I alternate between feeling like I have given up on life and feeling like life has given up on me. Having so much going on before--birthdays in November, grad school classes, internship, holidays, work, etc.--it feels like my life has just come to a stop. An abrupt stop. An abrupt stop made even worse by the fact that the lives of everyone around me keep moving forward.

Sometimes I am pissed about the whole thing and pissed at everyone with their it's going to be alright and their well, I hate my job anyway, and other times I am feeling alone like no one will ever understand how I feel even though this is something that millions of people go through all the time. And right now, writing this, I'm feeling like a brat because here I am whining about what to do with my Masters degree and mourning the loss of my part time job, which I never really liked anyway, when I am healthy, I have a roof over my head, I have an amazing, supportive group of family and friends and a husband who is here at home, not fighting in a foreign country, and has a well paying job with health benefits that we know will be there tomorrow and the day after that.

My life is not perfect, but I have got it all.

Live Blogging Unemployment -- Day 1

2009-01-05T06:59:00.008-05:00

6:59 AM
I woke up at 6:30 this morning. I'm not sure if this makes me more of a loser for getting up for a job I no longer have or less of a loser because Look at me! I'm motivated! Let's go with the latter. The Today Show is on and I haven't seen it since summer and now I get to watch it all...3 whole hours...yep, I'm a loser. So far my grand plans are to take down the Christmas tree and take the dog for a walk. We'll see. The unknown drama of Unemployment, where will it take me????

7:39 AM
Taking down the Christmas tree has to be one of the most depressing activities ever. It's time for a breakfast cupcake. Coming up on the Today Show: talking more about the death of Jett Travolta. Is it just me, or is this day getting better already?

8:22 AM
Breaking News: I went and put a letter on the mailbox in my pjs and someone honked and waved at me. That's right: old navy pjs and I've still got it!

In other news: I still haven't had the breakfast cupcake but all the ornaments and lights are off the tree. Apparently so are all of the needles because my floor is COVERED. Also, I am thinking that I am allergic to pine trees. The sneezing and nose blowing will not stop.

So, let's take a vote: drag the tree down the stairs or throw it off the balcony?

9:58 AM
Despite the lack of votes (it's like all of you are at your JOBS and are busy WORKING or something) I decided to drag the tree down the stairs. We don't use the back staircase and the tree was making me sneeze so badly that I figured exposing it to the kitchen was not such a great idea.

I just realized that I haven't had a diet coke today. No, this isn't big news except for the fact that at my former job (dead to me) there were free diet cokes and now there is just woe. woe and strife and the new theme song and opening for Regis and Kelly which, Regis and Kelly are still on? Who knew!!?

Also, breakfast cupcake? Still has not been eaten.

Tree is down. What should I do now?

10:53 AM
I have decided to leave the house and actually take the dog for a walk. I have also decided to take my phone with me in case I get raped and pillaged. Too bad I never picked an ICE for my phone. This walk also means that I will actually get to listen to my ipod shuffle that Michael got me for Christmas. I never told you, but I got a lot of neat things for Christmas. Things like a kitchen aid stand mixer, and necklace from Tiffany's, a picnic basket, dvds, and a bunch of other stuff. Despite ending on a crappy note, 2008 Christmas was super.

Meant To Be

2009-01-02T10:24:00.002-05:00

I was giving up ice cream for 2009,
but then the mint chocolate chip and I had a little talk...

2008: A Year in Review

2008-12-31T13:49:00.002-05:00

Since I am unemployed and have all the free time in the world, I decided to do a wee year in review with pictures. If nothing else, 2008 has been a memorable year. I'll even give in to the fact that it's been an important year and a year that was not too bad at all. I hope that 2009 is better and brighter and full of happiness for all of us.

2008: A Year in Pictures from sarah on Vimeo.

It was all yellow

2008-12-20T09:12:00.005-05:00

I keep thinking about how my last small group session at the elementary school was about making lemons into lemonade. Maybe it was some higher power subliminally sending me out into the world hoping that I would remember that message. Maybe it just so happened that that was the last session for my changing families group and it means nothing. Either way, I am trying very hard to make lemonade out of all of the lemons I feel like are being hurled at me and, frankly, it sucks.

Although it feels like forever ago, I graduated last Saturday. Even though I've done high school and college graduation before, this was such a high. I worked in college, but I had all of this free time--it was like hanging out with all of your best friends, watching Dawson's Creek and taking classes on the side. School has never been hard for me so while I worked in college, I never really had to work. Well, I worked my ass off in grad school. I also worked at a separate full time job and tried to stay married and tried to be a good friend. It was totally different. So, when I was walking across the stage last Saturday, I felt good. Accomplished. Proud. Happy. No lemons, just lemonade.

The high was still there on Sunday, but I was also feeling nervous. I had a job interview on Monday, which was good, but also nerve wracking to prepare for. The interview came, the interview went, and I was awesome. I totally bonded with the man, we were laughing, I was answering questions perfectly, he said he would love to send me out to interview with principals BUT (insert lemon here) There Are No Jobs. Oh really? Super. I understand, keep me in mind. But, it sucked. Well, I told myself, at least you still have your other job and you can keep doing that part-time while you look for a school job. At least you're not totally unemployed. Did you hear the universe laughing that day? Or maybe you heard something that sounded like a car running into a tree? That would be me, being pelted with lemons.

On Monday, my "boss" who have never really been my boss but is actually the president of the company, asked if he could meet with me Thursday afternoon. Let's just say that I knew this meeting wasn't to promote me to office person of the century. There have been a lot of things going on at my job and the people I used to work for have all been "reorganized" or have left the company. I am well aware that there wasn't that much for me to do and well aware that the "boss" knew I was finishing school in December, but I didn't expect anything to happen the week after my graduation. Silly, silly me. Here, said the universe, have some more lemons. I mean, it's not like working your ass off for your Masters and then having no job is bad enough, we think you should be "phased out" as well. And that was what happened. I was "phased out" and while they have appreciated all of my hard work, they are mostly shutting down the office where I work but Thank you, and here is a $50 Macy's gift card. Merry Christmas. Yes, it's raining lemons.

I have never been fired or reorganized or phased out and, I have to tell you, this is one of the most demoralizing feelings ever. And, when you add that to already feeling like a jobless loser who is never going to find a job in her field, it is terrible. It's like I didn't have a job already and then I got fired on top of it. And Michael says I shouldn't say "fired" because I wasn't "fired" but really, tomato tomahto, it all feels the same at the end of the day and that feeling is shit.

So here are all of my lemons--I don't have a school counseling job, I was "phased out" so I don't have the job that was helping us pay our bills, I don't have any job prospects, the economy is tanking, Virginia's Governor is cutting education, and I feel like a total loser. Clearly, all of these things fill me with holiday cheer, so then I feel bad for being a grinch at Christmas. I am trying to make my lemons into lemonade and tell myself that I will find a job by next school year (which is most important) and that now I can totally focus on that. I am telling myself that I can enjoy being at home with Michael and my family over the holidays and not have to worry about going into the office. And maybe I will enjoy myself, but what am I going to do on that first Monday in January when everyone else gets up and goes to work and gets back into the swing of things? I am going to be the loser sitting on her couch.

And maybe things will be fine. And maybe, while this may be the longest and most depressing blog entry I have ever written, maybe not too long from now I can look back and realize that wow, that felt really bad, but it all worked out. Maybe.

Jack is Back!

2008-11-30T18:23:00.004-05:00

Ok, he is not so much back as he is born, but "Jack is Born!" just doesn't have the same ring to it. This all to say that Katie (of grad school and cookie baking) had her baby. This is also all to say that wow, I really need a baby right about NOW.Do you see that sweet face? Do you see why it's a need? Jack, who was due Nov. 22nd (the day before my birthday, FYI), made his appearance on Nov. 4th and because I wanted him to remember me most of all, I made sure I was the last person to meet him. Also, I am busy, terrible Aunt Sarah who is finally just getting it together enough to make a visit out there.

While Katie and I were talking Jack just chilled in his swing, spent some time looking adorable, and let me hold him while he slept. Can I just tell you that I am awesome at holding a sleeping baby? Good thing that this skill is all that is required to actually have a child, I mean otherwise, yikes. Katie, Jack, and I are going to get together in a couple of weeks to bake some cookies. Abby, formerly the favorite child, might even help too.

In other news, I graduate from grad school on Dec. 13th. Holy moly, I can't believe it's finally here. I am sure I will have some deep thoughts about this at some point, but until then it's a frantic rush to finish up hours, portfolio, job applications, and homewook.

I know, Jack, I feel the same way.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

2008-11-26T22:32:00.000-05:00

You Look A Little Bored...

2008-10-30T06:40:00.001-04:00

Here's something you should do...

Sarah is...

2008-10-21T21:21:00.003-04:00

***
totally fine with the fact that she favors the high school students wearing Twilight t-shirts.

also totally fine with the fact that she told a 10th grader she loves Edward Cullen.

feeling significantly less angry.

feeling loved by the internets and her real life friends.

so busy it's quite possible she's going to spin off into space.

glad Erika's back.

ready for the weekend even though it's only Tuesday.
***

So what about you?

You are...

Seeing Red

2008-10-16T22:07:00.003-04:00

So I've been pissed for almost 5 days now. Not about anything in particular. Not at any one specific person. Just pissed. Pissed overall. There have been flashes of kindness or laughter or giving in to being a normal human being, but really all I want to do is scream and hit something. Seeing as that's not exactly a productive or acceptable coping mechanism, I've taken to not answering my phone, not responding to email, and generally being a cranky ass to anyone I can admit my rage to (i.e. Michael, he who has been a saint and hasn't knocked me down the stairs...yet.)

I get like this sometimes. Life is overwhelming. It's like the weeks fly by but the days are too slow and then there's never enough time for everything I have to do and this is happening all at the same time. If I wasn't living it, I'd say it's impossible.

I finish grad school in two months. My internship is killing me. Killing. Hello, it's me, I'm dead. There is nothing like working full-time for free to make you bitter. I don't know how it's possible to love what you're doing and hate what you're doing all at the same time but yes friends, I am doing it. I love the students, the faculty, my supervisor, and the school but I am also actively loathing the 600 hours I have to complete, the lack of income, the 12 hour days, the projects, the class, and everything else that exists. I just keep telling myself that I can do anything for 2 months. I guess we'll just wait and see if I live through it.

Seeing as I'm learning to be a school counselor and all, you'd think that I would equip myself with some hardcore anger management techniques; you know, deep breaths, counting to 10, walking away. Alas, I've got nothing but rage. Rage and a blog where I can tell all of you that Hi, I hate everything and hopefully you will still love me anyway.

An Open Letter... (or 3)

2008-09-23T21:15:00.000-04:00

To the driver in the Audi with her brights on:

Oh Hai. Thank you for lighting up the whole interstate with your bright lights. I mean, who wants to be able to safely change lanes? Not me. Seeing the cars coming up behind you? Overrated. I always knew that actually being able to see the road wasn't all that important to driving anyway.

Yes, you are dead to me,
Sarah

***

To my beloved PSLoJ:

You are back! It has been too long, old friend. Yes, I would like you tall, no whip, extra hot. Yes, I would like you twice a day. Yes, I would like you while shopping in Target. Yes, I would like you while visiting with Edward. Yes, you taste better when I pay with a giftcard.

Don't be a stranger,
Sarah

***
To Edward, the fictional character who is totally real to me:

Hello my love. I am sorry I haven't opened a Twilight Saga book in two weeks. I have not forgotten you--bronze hair, crooked smile, LOVE OF MY LIFE.

See you in the theater (less than a month!),
Sarah

Would you do me a favor?

2008-09-16T20:02:00.004-04:00

Just over two years ago I wrote this, about my cousin, Hope, and how I was struggling with coming to terms with her cancer. I am happy, beyond happy really, to report that today, Hope has no more cancer. It has been a long, hard, uphill, road and I haven't even done any of the hard stuff.

Hope is a finalist in Lance Armstrong's "Do You Dare?" Challenge and we have got to help her win. Click on this link to see Hope and hear, in her own words, her story of survival. The winner of the challenge wins an autographed Lance Armstrong bike and Hope would like to win this for her fiance, Bill. As she put it, he's taken this "in sickness and in health" thing to heart and, being a tri-athlete, would go nuts over the bike. You can vote for Hope once a day and the challenge ends on September 21st. I know I have already emailed and gchat harassed most of you about this but it's simply because I love my cousin and believe that with our powers combined (you do remember captain planet, right?) we can help her win. VOTE!!

On the subject of Home

2008-09-06T21:13:00.001-04:00

Earlier this week I had to fill out an application for graduation that asked me to list my "hometown city and state" as I want it listed in the graduation program. For some reason, this simple question caused me to pause. I know my hometown is Charlottesville, but grad school has not been like undergrad where everyone is from somewhere else and where you're from is a large part of your identity. Here, we're all from Richmond even though we're from somewhere else. Plus, since my hometown for grad school has been Richmond should I have listed Richmond on the application? Or do I just stick with Charlottesville since that is my original hometown? Why have I made this so complicated?

So that's what got me thinking about home. Home is Richmond. Home is Michael and Sophie. Home is my family. Home is Charlottesville. And home is what my cell phone says when someone calls from my parent's house. I suppose, technically, home is simply where we live as long as we are together, but it doesn't really feel like home since I don't like it so much. The saying is 'home is where the heart is' and my heart is not in this place. (Seriously, there are two 15 year old boys boxing, boxing with actual gloves, on the sidewalk across the street. I refuse to call this home.)

Then, as if I could make this home thing any more complicated (I must have been feeling contemplative) I started thinking about emergency contacts, specifically the whole ICE (in case of emergency) cell phone thing. Do you know how long I have been thinking about who to list as ICE in my phone? FAR TOO LONG. So long that I still haven't listed anyone. Now this probably has less to do with home and more to do with me being insane but this is a big deal to me. Obviously I should just list Michael and get over it BUT, Michael works in a school and his cell phone is off 99% percent of the time and obviously I can't list the school number as my ICE. Then there is also the issue of Michael frequently turning his cellphone ringer off or letting the thing die completely and also never checking voicemails. So, do I really want to list someone who is maybe/probably not going to be available as my ICE? I could be in the middle of an emergency and Michael wouldn't get the message for weeks.

So who would they call if I was involved in an emergency? Well they'd probably call the number listed under "home" in my cell phone (see how this is going full circle) and, technically, that's not my actual home, it's my parent's home. Maybe I should just leave it though because my dad works from home and at least he'd be there to answer the phone. Or maybe I should change "Michael" to "Husband" in my phone so at least they would know he's important. Or maybe I should just list Lauren as ICE since she always answers the phone whe I call. See how this whole thing makes me think in circles? Just tell me what to do, who should be my ICE? Who is your ICE?

ICE ICE Baby!

LIVE BLOGGING IS AMAZING PART @@@2

2008-08-30T22:10:00.006-04:00

You want to be our friend so much IT HURTS

oh hai

tis us again

michael phelps well I've been thinkingabout his looking like this: and oh golly gee george clooney he is somthin. LOOK AT HIS PACKAGE!!!!!! No don't. he's mine. It's my package...special delivery! I mean I love him for more than his pakage and his 8 gold medals. I love him because of his abs and his pect and his arm muscles and his GOGGLES. I just love goggles and ears and the fact that he has hot friends. Hello relay team, call me!!!

Ello Jake! Cheerio! Lauren would like to marry you. or maybe just meet you. or lick you. what? did we say that outloud. let's talk about it..over lunch...over marriage. 4 Eva! You know, yeah, LUV. Seriously. SO SEXXXAY like wo.

LIVE BLOGGING THE AMAZINGNESS OF TONIGHT (PART !!!1a)

2008-08-30T21:15:00.006-04:00

lauren is rockin the lazy eye!!!!!

Hellllllo lovely internet peeps. Yo.

Lauren and I are chillaxin' and being all fly, hangin' out drinking som adult alchoholic bevs. Roll with it. Rocking the peach daquiri. So we were working on our hot guy list and picking our top five men we'd like to get in the sack no matter what always and forever true love always lylas. But no like sisters...like hott sexys.

here are laren's top 5:

Jake Gyllenhall

Ryan Ryenolds

joaquin phoenixx

John karsinski

Leonardo de caprio ( she is denying this but not really because she has loved him since she sobbed over titantic in high school. that's right. I said it. SOBBED)

here are my top 5:

mc.dreamy

michael phelps only in a speedo and naughty

ben affleck (post gut)

colin firth

dermott mulroney

Of course, our number 1 fantasy perfection non-real non-human imginary from a novel for young adult number 1 fanatasy man/vampire/immortal being is EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And we're sharing him with Jen (OPH 4 EVA!!!)

ok ya'll folks from the intertnets. we will be back later like a gator. peace. who is your top 1 2 3 4 or 5? Keep it real.

O Hai

2008-08-27T20:04:00.002-04:00

I am just back from my vacation in Bejing with Michael Phelps. First he won 8 gold medals and then he showed me what a real man can do with 8 gold medals, if you know what I'm sayin'. No? Oh wait. That was my FANTASY vacation. Nonetheless, I am just back from my real vacation in North Carolina with Michael my Mexican husband. Somehow that doesn't have the same ring to it. But of course, that was my other FANTASY. Right. Fantalicous.

Oh look, on our vacation there was PARTY MOUTH!You know what they say,
the family that does party mouth together, stays together.
We shall be together forever.

Vacation was fun and not nearly long enough. And the weather wasn't nearly what it should have been, but I'm not complaining--I was on vacation! Glorious days of no work, no phone, no internet, Edward, the ocean, the sand, mini golf and homeade ice cream. Bliss. And when it rained, we managed to entertain ourselves.

Then we made a baby and now I am pregnant. WHAT?!? No, I am JUST KIDDING. Wow. Of course I wouldn't have told you over the blog...text message my friends, watch out for a text message.

I am feeling a little bit random tonight. School has started, my final semester of grad school, and really, I don't have words for that yet so I'm going to leave it at that. When Michael and I take car trips, around town or longer, we often play stupid games to entertain ourselves. The most common is to pick a category and then, going back and forth, name something in that category that starts with each letter of the alphabet. You know, like the category is Cities and then you'd name Austin for A, Boston for B, etc. Boring? Judge not lest you be judged!! It's actually quite fun and a great time killer. Plus you can make fun categories like song titles, porn star names or girls I hate from high school. After about 3 hours on our ride home from vacation we needed a new game so we busted out the Cranium Humdingers. Vacation teaches you a lot about yourself (perhaps I should take them more often) and I have learned that I am not really a good hummer. Michael, on the other hand, is a Master Hummer.

Who can name this tune?