Welcome to my silly life.

My struggle with ANXIETY..

2015-08-11T19:28:00.000-07:00

I never really experienced anxiety or much of panic attacks until I was 19 years old. When I was younger, of course I would get nervous before exams or before meeting guys for first dates or nervous for little things but it wasn't until I was actually an adult that i started to have the full blown anxiety attacks that felt almost crippling. & when you actually start having anxiety i find it so hard to control it and calm yourself down & to try to find out exactly what it is that is triggering it is a challenge in itself. When i first started getting these terrible anxiety attacks before i would drive to beauty school, i had no idea that i was having an anxiety attack. i would just pace around the house with this terrible gut feeling, & developing a sensation in my lower legs of numbness and i just remember feeling "why do I feel like this, why am i panicking right now, whats wrong with me".
I remember telling a friend at school that I keep getting these feelings almost every day now before i go anywhere where there's going to be people, like school, work, the bar, or even social gatherings like meeting up with a few friends for drinks. Every time i would just feel extremely nervous & my heart rate would increase & it almost became not enjoyable to ever go out anymore unless i was intoxicated at the bar with my friends. Every other occasion though like even going over to my boyfriends at the time would give me terrible anxiety.
I remember telling my friend this & her saying, "it sounds like you have anxiety." I thought about it after she had said that & kind of excepted it and just wanted it to stop. So i saw my doctor but told her I would NOT go on meds for anxiety because i knew how your body becomes dependable on medications like that. So she recommended seeing a counselor or psychiatrist to talk to someone about it & of course i said i would but i knew deep down i probably would never take the time to actually go and speak to someone because who was i kidding i have anxiety not depression i don't need to talk to anyone about my feelings i just want to stop panicking about everything.
I kind of learned to just deal with my anxiety after that. I ignored it until it went away. I avoided extremely uncomfortable situations. & for a while actually my anxiety definitely did start to subside. It was never nearly as bad as it had been the year before so i decided to just live with it.
Then again when i was 21 my anxiety came back full blown and basically everything i ever thought about or anything i wanted to do was complicated by my anxiety and i was never ever happy, all i ever felt was panic, i couldn't make reliable decisions. I started dating a guy that i liked so much and so badly didn't want to mess up this relationship so every thing i said or did around him i would worry about. After our first kiss i remember coming home and literally pacing around my house and yelling out loud "OH MY GOD WE KISSED WHAT IF WE DATE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE A GIRLFRIEND ANYMORE OH MY GOD WHAT IF HE DIDN'T WANT TO KISS ME WHAT IF HE JUST DID CAUSE HE FELT HE HAD TO OMG WHAT IF WE ACTUALLY DATE I DONT REMEMBER HOW TO DATE I DONT REMEMBER HOW TO BE A GIRLFRIEND". Yeah... it was literally an anxiety attack because i kissed someone i liked and instead of having butterflies of happiness, all i could feel was panic.
So Ryan & I officially started dating & it was extremely hard in the beginning because all i would think about was how to prevent him from seeing me in a negative way. I would spend hours on my hair, makeup and outfit and change my clothes multiple times and shower twice daily before going to his place and go out of my way to make sure i looked good and never smelled bad & all i did was worry about stupid things that i really did not need to worry about. Basically the 6-9 months of our relationship i never 100% felt relaxed or at ease or calm which was so hard because i loved him so much and i just wanted to be calm around my boyfriend. I mean there were definitely times better than others when i would be more relaxed when we were just cuddling on the couch watching netflix. I was always just worried about what he was thinking and of what he thought of me.
It wasn't just occasions with my boyfriend that i felt my anxiety. But just life in general. Many days after work i would come home in a panic worrying about what I'm doing with my life and how i am running out of time to find happiness. My mom and sister would just listen to my rants in shock and tell me to calm down & joke about me going through a mid life crisis even though to me it was definitely not a joke. This was serious what was i doing with my life? That's all i ever thought about.
Here's an copy of a note i left in my phone May 21, 2015 5:50AM

I swear to god the struggles of this anxiety I seriously just want it gone like I cannot sleep anymore even melatonin doesn't work. any thing happening on a daily basis gives me anxiety I panic at the thought of interacting with people & saying something & having people judging me for saying that like I panic thinking omg this person thinks I'm retarded why am i like this why don't people like me & I panic thinking that people are picking up & reading it off me that I'm even panicking & then I panic even more at that it's literally every social interaction with people that has me panicking.
not even just the social part of the anxiety but my daily life is so hard to plan out especially when it comes to planning to make sure I have enough time to do everything like going to work then come home & get ready for my other job it's so hard to explain the daily stress & anxiety because it is literally about every single thing I deal with like every decision I have to make I second guess myself & I am so full of self doubt & I question myself every day & question why I am like this. & then make myself feel worse about my life because I haven't got my shit together yet I'm 22 & still at home & I don't even know what I want to go back to school for yet but I really don't want to be stuck serving for the rest of my life but I need money to be successful & I panic at having no money & I panic at not living a happy life & I just want the panic feeling to go away pls
can't sleep without melatonin now & that's barely even helping now too like if I'm at Ryan's house & I forgot my melatonin I fucking panic like I literally need it. but when I take it every night I basically wake up at the same time wide awake & it takes me hours to fall back asleep & I feel tired all the time but I need to make sure I get 8 hours of sleep other wise I'm weird without enough sleep & can't function in social situations properly so i need to make sure I sleep. but I am wide awake right now & cannot fall back asleep so how the hell am I going to work tomorrow? I basically can't because I have a hair appt at 10 & then I work at 5 but I do not have time to come home & nap because I have a house to clean to prepare for my birthday party this weekend & I'm panicking I have no time for sleep but I need to fucking sleep 😔😩😖 this is crippling to my brain.

Literally.. the panic at everything. Back in April before i wrote this in my notes on my phone, I got a serving/waitressing job just for extra money. But it was literally painful to go to work and uncomfortably speak to strangers everyday. My legs would go numb as i was walking into the restaurant. It got to the point where i couldn't take it anymore. I needed it to stop. I had spoken to someone who helped my shift my view on depression/anxiety medication completely. "It's the quality of life, Shelby. If something can help you feel better about life in general, then why not?"
That was it. I was going back to my doctor and asking for medication. No more planning on ignoring it or getting a hold of it. Its not going to just go away, if anything it has just gotten worse over the years & its painful to just live my life and do the things i want without anxiety everyday. So i did. I went in there and told my doctor straight up that i wanted to start taking something for it. She agreed that it was probably a good decision based on how i was feeling, so she prescribed me Celexa/Citalopram.

I was actually so excited to start & so excited to finally feel better. The first 10 days of the half pills were extremely hard. I knew there would be side affects but i didn't think much of it at the beginning. All i felt was tired and drowsy. Its like i was in a third person view and i was floating. Nothing seemed real. I was just so painfully drowsy. After the first week, i had to up the dose to the full pill and the first few days of the full dosage i still felt tired but after that it went away & after that, without even realizing i started to feel better.
Now I have been taking Celexa for 2 and a half months and I must say it was definitely a good decision and I kind of wish i started taking something sooner than i did. I no longer feel nervous to walk into work, or walk into the bar to meet my friends. My boyfriend has now seen me without makeup and I don't even care. I now eat comfortably around him and his family. I can talk to them or express my opinion to them without panicking about saying something wrong like i used to. I don't stutter or have terrible gut feelings before going to job interviews. I can now drive around my city without the panic of driving in general.
I wouldn't go as far as saying i feel 100% happy now, but i definitely feel better. I feel more....normal. I feel like i can have conversations with people i don't know & i don't worry about what they think of me.
My outlooks on life have changed, & instead of drowning in self doubt and panic, i feel like a weight has almost been taken off my shoulders.
I feel lighter & happier.

2013-11-11T13:50:00.003-08:00

I feel like I am sitting in a room with 10 different doors each that lead to something completely different. I am too indecisive to choose the doorway that I feel is best.

.

2013-07-03T14:20:00.003-07:00

I feel as if I am no longer capable of having feelings or forming feelings for another man. I already had my doubts of having a successful relationship before my most recent ex boyfriend, but then after him the feelings of doubt came back ten times as hard. Thinking that maybe if i did give it another try, nothing will happen, & i won't get hurt. Sure enough I was extremely wrong and got thrown away as if I was less than nothing. Now i sit here with this disgusting taste in my mouth towards any guy. And I truly know that not all of them are like some of the ones I have dated and been with, but having such terrible experiences and being extremely hurt makes you feel as if you really are alone.

2012-07-24T22:57:00.002-07:00

everything changes when all your friends get boyfriends..

Outfit Of The Day . June 14th .

2012-06-17T23:25:00.001-07:00

Minaj Love.

2012-05-26T10:39:00.000-07:00

I love this girl <3

GIVEAWAY (:

2012-05-11T12:31:00.000-07:00

Enter to win my lux addiction giveaway ! (:

Highlighting/lowlighting your extensions & hair.

2012-04-10T12:20:00.000-07:00

My Newest video (:

2012-03-29T23:01:00.000-07:00

So today at work I had a very attractive man ask me for my number. Of course we had a conversation at first and he had asked if I had a boyfriend, and even though I don't, my first instinct was to say that I do. Not because I have forgotten that i'm single, but because I didn't feel the want to actually start talking to this guy; even though I have every reason to meet someone new. I was actually going to turn this guy down, and I don't even know why.

I did end up giving him my number after thinking about it for a split second, just because, what harm could it actually do? Maybe my problem is that i'm afraid of commitment. Or maybe i'm completely turned off by dating because of previous failed relationships.

Whatever it is, I sure hope it passes. I don't want to have doubts towards men all my life. I want to WANT to meet new people, not have to convince myself that its okay.

And at the end of the day I still wonder. Why did this guy want MY number? How could I have stood out today? I definitely didn't look my best. My hair was in a beach-waved ponytail, and I was just wearing jeans and a sweater. Yet he still continued to say I was gorgeous. I truly do not understand. I just want to have normal feelings toward dating and relationships sometime soon.

lessons learned.

2011-08-13T11:44:00.000-07:00

i don't know how to feel anymore. i was doing very good at getting over him and moving on. but then he'll come to my work and we'll have a conversation. it doesn't even have to be a good conversation, but it feels so warming to actually be talking. i now realize that he is free to do whatever he pleases, as am i. but it bothers me so much. i don't think i love him anymore. i know what bad he has done. it just really hurts to think about what we used to have, and now its all gone. when i do remember how good it felt to be together, i get this beautiful feeling inside; almost like the feeling of when your singing and you hit that perfect note and its heaven to your ears. thats how my heart feels when i remember our relationship together. at the same time, it hurts so much.
deep down i know i will be okay. he was my first love, and these feelings are always going to be there. i am learning to not look so negatively at this breakup, and be happy for what we did have. we learned so much from eachother. and it is just going to ready us for our next relationships. i now know what to not look for. there was no trust in our relationship, and that is the most important thing.
i do remember how good it felt to fall in love with him though. probably one of the best feelings i have ever had. i do want this feeling again, and i really hope he's wrong when he told me i will never ever get it with anyone else. i want to fall in love again. i want to get the butterflies in my tummy, and the wonderful nervous but excited feeling. i want to feel the need to only be with that one person, and not even care about what else is happening in the universe.
i am so scared that i will not ever get these feelings again.

time will tell.

2011-08-10T23:04:00.000-07:00

Based on everything i have witnessed in these past few months, it looks like it is going to be difficult in the future to find that "perfect guy". so many guys out there are only looking for a good time with girls, and only care about getting laid. if you have sex with them, it doesn't mean anything. in fact, they'll probably just pretend it never happened. or you'll be in a relationship with them; next thing you know, they go have sex with another girl. i am not saying girls are innocent in this situation, because they clearly are not. younger and younger generations of teenagers are losing their virginity. and i can honestly say that it disgusts me. whatever happened to waiting until marriage? or having self respect? now its, "oh yeaaah, i fucked that dude last night". girls are getting sluttier, and guys are turning into bigger pieces of shit. need to get laid? just go to your local bar. problem solved.

and with this world that we live in now, how is it ever going to be possible to actually find a decent person to be with for the rest of your life? the ones that aren't pigs, are douchebags that disrespect your parents. or try to control you.

i guess the only thing to say is that only time will tell. they will come along when the time is right. hopefully?

youtube!

2011-08-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

heey everyone (:

please check out my youtube channel!

its about makeup, beauty and girly things (:

http://www.youtube.com/user/Shelby677

heeey everyone (:

2011-08-08T01:45:00.001-07:00

i know that not many people view my blogs, but i am okay with that. because from looking at my previous ones from years ago, i seem kind of fucked up. i honestly do not know what was going through my head. anyway, i am very different now! i do not obsess over my weight, or looking skinny. in fact, i love food! and i don't plan on ever starving myself to lose weight again. if i want to diet, i'll do it the proper way. by healthy food, and exersize (:

2008-06-25T20:00:00.002-07:00

2008-06-17T23:07:00.002-07:00

Here I Am.

2008-02-15T18:46:00.002-08:00

Health.

2007-07-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

Healthy Diet

So im on this little diet just to get back in shape for gr 9.
Right now im about 115 pounds and im 5 foot 3 inches.

Every Tuesday my mom measures my waist, hips, upperarms, chest,
calfs and thighs to see the difference ive changed in a week.
I have cut out allmy snacks and if i do find myself hungry in between meals,
i munch on fruit and veggies.

For hamburgers, scince my mom makes that alot, ive decided to switch to veggie burgers.
Im not going vegiterian because i know i would never be able to cut out chicken and stake.
To me, i dont really notice a difference in taste between real burgers and veggie burgers.

I started my diet last tuesday on July24 2007. I will measure myself again on July 31 2007.
Right now my measurments are:
Date: July 24 2007 Tuesday 12:20pm
Waist: 27 3/4 inches
Hips: 37 inches
Thighs: 19 1/2 inches
Calfs: 12 1/2 inches
Upperarms: 10 inches
wrists: 5 3/4 inches
Chest: 34 3/4inches
Weight: 115 pounds

Goal: 105 pounds by end of summer

I do a simple kind of exercise everyday.
I lay on the ground with my knees pointing to the ceiling and raise my butt up and down, 30 times, twice a day. I know this sounds and looks funny, but it works!

On tuesday, July 31 i will come back with my next measurments.

Shelby

I love

2007-07-28T08:56:00.001-07:00

Things I Love

Having fun with friends
Walking around town with friends
camping at lakes
camping out in own backyard
Shopping
Haircuts
Tanning Salons
Eating(cant eat much now.ON DIET)
Boys that treat you so good(ones that arnt fake)
Life in the summer(SO relaxing)
sleepovers with friends
The thought of moving
Rasberries
Myspace
Music
The house we might be moving to
My clothing style lol
My family
My pets
Tenting
Campfires
roasting marshmellows with friends
horsebackriding (havnt done it in a while)

The Move

2007-07-27T23:15:00.001-07:00

Well turns out i am leaving this dirty hoe bag town, Spruce Grove.

I hate it here. My sisters counsellar says it is the worst place for bullying.

Its worse than edmonton apparently.

But i am moving to BC.

To this little town called 100 mile house. I hope people are nice because i dont

want to not have friends. I mean a do have lots of friends here but its

always easier making friends when your younger and now i'll be going into gr 9.

So if someone knows what its like there please tell me.

I need to know if people my age are nice there.

By the way im 14.

Thanx,

Shelby

This is How i feel.

2007-02-14T16:20:00.001-08:00

Things i hate

Pathetic loser boys who cry over stupidd things.
Liers
People who tell you somthing that you are looking forward too but then you find out its not even true.
People who wanna ask you out because all they care about is looks.
When people threaten to report your nexopia because you wont write a specific thing in my number 4 on this list.
People who say they hate you for stupid reasons.
Fucking Teachers who pick favorites.
When parents dont let you do what you want.
When you get in trouble for stupid stuff.
Second Languages.
Perferts.
Perfectionists.
Assholes.
When your friends are mad at you.
When you are pressered to do something and you cant say no.
When my ipods battery is dead.
Waking up early.
When rich people brag about themselves.
When friends say other people are rich but actually they're like not even close to being rich.
When people make fun of your looks.
When someone says somthing they dont mean.

What is love?

2006-09-17T13:10:00.001-07:00

gr 8 started.

2006-09-16T18:21:00.001-07:00

2006-09-04T12:58:00.001-07:00

saying.

2006-08-29T15:56:00.000-07:00

He looks at you like you're some kind of wonderful.

But he treats you like your some kind of shithole.

Shelby<3

untitled.

2006-08-24T13:04:00.001-07:00