From Thin to Fat and Back

Is that really me?

2014-09-30T13:20:00.002-07:00

The last few days I have had people make comments about how skinny I am. I truly don’t feel like have evicted the fat person yet. In fact the first time I looked at pictures from this morning, I said I haven’t lost any at all. I am still fat. Then I put them beside my pictures from the day of my surgery, and I realized oh yeah I have. I marvel every time I am able to squeeze through a small space. I stare with shock at myself in the mirror when that day I look skinny. I look at myself with dismay on the days my eyes don’t see the weight loss. Those days I quickly look at the tags of my clothes and realize oh yeah, it has come off.

Today is red shirt day for work. I hate red shirts. They clash with my hair, but it is crucial that we were them to show solidarity. Well 80 lbs ago I didn’t really have red, and I sure wasn’t going to buy red so I could look like a fat chick with clashing hair. That would bring even more attention to me. The issue was that I had plenty of red shirts in my closet, but none of them fit. Well today I am wearing an XL from the gap. It fits perfectly. So yes while the number on the scale is not going down as fast as I like, I am slowly rediscovering the me. I am rediscovering myself and who I am. I was always that skinny chick on the inside, it was just hard to find her.

I am to the point of where I am fearing I won’t be successful. I have always hit this point and then gone back the other direction. So that underlying fear is there. I am strong though, and even stronger than I was the last time, plus I was given this awesome tool that will help me to get to goal, and then I just need to maintain. So I will keep fighting, and with God I can do anything.

Update on life....

2014-09-28T17:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an amazing day for me. I tried on pants I haven’t put on in about 2 years. I literally gained 70 lbs plus in three years. I have written many times about being broken physically and mentally. These last two years have been full of incredible heartache, so much so that writing even became too much. Every time I sat down to write something for the blog I would just cry and cry.

There is a point in which hope seems pointless. That things don’t seem like they will change. You are stuck in the same cycle over and over. While there are still days like that, my days seem to have gotten brighter. The overwhelming feeling of being helpless seems to go away little by little. As I tell people my story of a disease that no one even the Dr’s don’t really understand, to our struggle with having children, I keep getting told you should write a book. Maybe one day I will turn my blog posts into books, but right now blogs seem to be enough.

In June I had gastric bypass. It was not an easy decision. If you had asked me a year ago, I was adamant that in no way would I do that. It was an easy way out, that I could just lose the weight on my own. As my Intracranial Hypertension and PCOS progressed to severity that my body could no longer handle, the hardly eating because of nausea and exhaustion was making me gain weight. Nothing, no matter how good I ate, I gained. On top of that I was dealing with a body that could no longer exercise that getting out of bed was a struggle, and I barely made it through the school year. In the last year, I have had 3 major surgeries. A brain surgery, back and spinal surgery, and my stomach.

Let me tell you bypass is no easy thing, but I am so glad that I made that decision. I am now 80 lbs lighter, and I have a new lease on life. My body is working normal again. There is hope. Seeing other pregnant woman, having friends and family making pregnancy announcements, anything pregnancy is still incredibly hard to deal with. I have had to find other avenues to deal with my emptiness that I feel. I now sell Origami Owl to help pay medical bills, and I coordinate Foreign Exchange students, as well as taking classes to be a Child welfare and Attendance Counselor. We have invited a young man for Taiwan into our home to be our son for the school year. I at least get to play mom for a little bit.

I pray and hope that one day I will get to know what it is like. I am now taking each day one day at a time, and using the strength God has given me to not blow up at that child who says I must hate kids because I don’t have any of my own. She is so young that she doesn’t truly understand the heartbreak I feel in my heart. I have gotten so good at putting on a façade. No one knows how much pain I am in physically or mentally. I hide the tears that want to spill out every time I hear an announcement or walk into the bathroom and over hear a pregnancy conversation. I hide the bitterness when I hear someone complain. I hide the snide comment I want to make when someone says I understand how you feel, or they know someone who has the same issue. No you don’t really understand, because unless you have been in my shoes, you can never understand how I feel, and the fake sympathy just makes me feel worse, but I know that they don’t know what else to say. Instead I go home and cry into my husband’s shoulders because yes he truly understands.

With all of this has become a feeling of inadequacy. I can’t give him the one thing we both truly want. That my body and what it does is out of my hands, and that having a rare brain disease with no cure, and a medical condition that the medical community only recognizes enough to give you birth control but not cover the meds you actually need, is frustrating beyond belief. Why me? Why does the crack head get to keep popping out babies while I cry, pray, hope that one I get have just one of my own. What I would give for a we weren’t planning it moment.

Through all of this though, there is one thing I have discovered. I have discovered not only how strong I am, but I have learned compassion for others. It was there, but not in the way it is now. I see that every one has there struggles, and what may seem like a small problem to me, I understand that for that person it can be a life and death struggle. The one thing I have told my family is that I hate that my Intracranial Hypertension is treated like something minimal. That it is nothing. It isn’t cancer. That it isn’t that big of a deal. Many people close to me have been guilty for this. For calling me a baby, for saying that I need to just deal with it. That it isn’t a life or death struggle like cancer. For me cancer seems almost better. The Drs know what to do with it. With my disease it is a shot in the dark. The shunt may or may not work. Just take these heavy-duty pain pills and live with it. Yes, you are going blind but it is just headaches. We truly don’t know how someone is suffering until we walk a day in his or her shoes. I am dealing, and I am so grateful that I get to go back to almost normal, that I have my life back, that I can do almost all of what I did before, because not everyone has been as lucky or blessed as me.

So in June I went into the hospital a very broken person. I came out a stronger woman. I survived 24 hours from hell in which I couldn’t get out of bed because just moving made me dry heave. I had nurses and Dr’s yelling at me to get out bed and walk within a couple of hours, but just a trip to the bathroom was enough to have me dry heave for 10 minutes. So when they realized that they couldn’t give me enough nausea meds and that sleeping was better than me being up, I was left alone.

Here I am 81 lbs lighter, and yesterday I decided to pull out old pants just to see if they would fit. They weren’t plus size. They were normal size bought in a store when I could just walk in a store and fit in clothes. They FIT!!! I was so excited. I felt sexy, I felt normal. We decided to take our “son” shopping (his favorite activity) and my husband said I could spend some money on clothes because he realizes that I just need new ones. So the first few stores I walked into, I looked around didn’t really see anything, and was truly nervous if I would even be able to fit. No one gave me that odd look like why are you in here, you won’t fit in anything. Instead there were inviting offered to help me. I finally worked up the courage to try on a few things. I cried, or almost did; I really do hate public crying. The 16 with no W after it fit. That hasn’t happen in a long time, a very long time. I thought maybe it is just the outfit, nope. The next item fit. The XL shirt fit, that is an XL not the XXL. It fit. So of course I had to buy a few. Now the 16 is a tight 16, but in a week or two it will be just right.

Now we are waiting on finding out am I or aren’t I. We are in that dreaded two week wait. I have all the glorious symptoms. See two years ago I was miserable with those sore boobs, you know all those PMS things. Well now I welcome the hormonal migraine, the sore boobs, the cramping, the moodiness because it means only one thing. My body is working, and I am back to almost normal cycles, although I was never truly normal.

In the meantime I have host mom duties, a jewelry business, teaching, graduate schooling, church activities, and lots of fall things to do that it seems the time is flying by fast. I truly can’t wait to see what God has planned for us, I just feel that we are on the other side and nothing but good is going to happen. In the meantime, I need to read up on how to deal with a teenager.

My decision for gastric bypass...

2014-04-08T13:31:00.003-07:00

I can't believe that the last post I made was in June. That seems like a lifetime ago. So much has happened. I had gone through two fertility treatments, had an increase in my IIH symptoms, was in the er several times, stayed to a strict 1200 calorie diet, realized that I couldn't do or see things like I used to, and thought I was going to go blind before someone did anything to help me.

Here I am now in April 2014, I have had an angiogram of my brain, a LP shunt placed, headaches have gone away, and still no baby, and at the highest weight I have ever been in my life. It has been a non-stop struggle in which I am finally at a point where the scale has stopped going up, my body feels almost normal again, and I am able to return to almost normal activity.

I feel like I am betraying Weight Watchers and in particular my leader, but I am at a point where nothing is working, and we want to get pregnant, and we were offered the chance for me to have gastric bypass. I have been told it will help if not reverse the PCOS (which we wouldn't need fertility treatments then) and it will help my IIH. So armed with all the research I made the difficult decision to do that.

So I now begin the process of the many visits to get ready for the surgery, and then through the Dr I will have access to a nutritionist, psychologist, and support groups as I begin my journey of weight loss yet again. This time it is for good, and I finally have hope that I will be able to do it. My body has rebelled for the last few years, and unfortunately it is going to take something drastic to get it where it should be.

you are the fat joke...

2013-06-26T22:44:00.002-07:00

Today I encountered a bully. He is a known bully. A grown man who on a regular basis bullies those whose opinions differ from his. Normally it doesn't bother me because that is who he is, and I can't help that he can be so unhappy. Today he crossed the line. I was having a conversation on Facebook with a friend of mine who happens to be friends with this man. It was a conversation about a restaurant the person felt was great. This bully hops on and says I will probably eat the monster cut (haha). Then he goes on to justify the first statement by saying I will eat the whole thing, and my husband will have his own too. Then tried to make a redneck joke as well.

Ok fine, you don't like Nascar, not every one does. I get it. But to make a joke about one being fat. That went too far. When I called him on it, he said I was The FAT Joke. I was the better person and walked away from the conversation. There was never going to be a time in which he would listen, and realize how jerky it was of him to say it. My friend (the one with the original post) did later apologize for it, mind you not the guy who said it, and that was big of him since he isn't the one that needed to do that. The issue is that this is a bigger problem in society.

I walked away from that conversation not even wanting to put one more thing in mouth tonight because every little morsel made me feel fat. Made me feel like that person 20 pounds ago. Truth be told I am probably harder on myself than that man was. I struggle daily with going between anorexia (stress induced) to binging, and trying to find that middle place. I have issues with food. I also have medical issues that make everything that much harder. My Intracranial Hypertension often prevents me from doing the activities that most normal people can participate in. I can't be as active as I once was. I never know what day will be my good day, and often pick and choose activities based on what I have to get accomplished in a week.

Here is the thing, this you are fat, and we can make jokes about it isn't new with this guy. He is part of a larger societal problem. We look at others and we judge them based on appearance alone. We obviously think that someone who is overweight is lazy and a slob. That they don't care enough to take care of themselves, and they are a drain on society. What we don't stop to think about is that big and small, we all have some flaw we see in ourselves and beat ourselves up daily about it. We don't know what that person is going through. Are they in pain? Do they suffer from chronic pain? If it isn't a physical pain, is there something else going on in their lives? We don't stop to actually, truly find out how the person is doing.

One thing I have learned from my IIH, is that there are some people who truly want to hear how you are feeling physically and mentally, and there are those who are just being polite. There are those who look at you, Dr's included, who think that if you wanted to lose weight you would just stop eating. 2 months ago I wasn't eating until the end of the day. I subsisted on water until basically dinner. I just couldn't eat. It was due to meds at this point, and all I was doing was gaining. Not eating isn't the answer, and if losing weight and being skinny was based on effort, I would have been at goal weight a long time ago.

We don't stop to think about what one little joke will do. I am sure that the guy today was thinking he was being funny, and probably a little bit rude. We haven't really gotten along on Facebook in a while with both of us being outspoken about our political and religious beliefs, and them being the opposite of each other. Even if he thought any of this, there is a point you don't cross. The sad thing, he is a teacher. He is a fellow teacher, and he is teaching these kids these same beliefs. That it is okay to put down someone if you don't agree with them, and if it will make you feel better. The even more sad thing is that he isn't the only one. We are raising a generation of kids who believe that they just try and they will get something for it, that you need to stick up for yourself and teach people respect but it is a one way street when others are concerned. We are teaching them hatred for those who don't believe like you, which in a time when all you hear is equality for everyone, equality in this case only includes those who believe like you.

I am proud of what I did today. I didn't get sucked in. I didn't continue to argue. I walked away after saying my peace about not making jokes like that. I was the better person. I forgave him, prayed for him, and after this I am moving on.

through the ups and downs...

2013-06-25T15:06:00.002-07:00

It has been a while since I have written. I have had my ups and down this month, and it has been more downs than ups it seems. My weight has plateaued. I have stayed at the 20 lbs lost, yet my clothes fit a little better. I had a stressful end to my school year, and now have left that and sit here during the summer wondering, waiting, and hoping that unless it is a job a the high school that I want, I want to sub for the year. It would be less stress on my already highly stressed body.

I go between having great days to having bad days. I had extremely two bad days last week as I had received news I didn't want to hear. Then Monday came, and I got news that I wanted that made the previous few days seem like a distant reality, a nightmare. So after a few nights of not being able to sleep well, I slept almost ten hours last night. I finally see hope, and even though there is no cure for my IIH, I am making the best of it.

I am enjoying my relaxing summer. I don't have a wedding to plan this year, I don't have a ton of traveling to do, and I have a normal length summer again this year. I am de-stressed for the most part, and I am catching up on shows I haven't watched in a few years. Nothing like trash tv to de-stress you and make you realize your life is a whole lot better.

In all of the bad news last week, I managed to stay on track with my eating. I was able to manage that, and that is a win. A positive. By the end of this week, I hope that I will have lost more and this plateau will be over.

What I found on the Arbonne 30 day feeling fit...

2013-06-03T08:24:00.001-07:00

I have lost 18.8 pounds. That was my 4 week total. I have lost 4.5 inches all around, with 2 of it at the waist area. You can tell by looking the mirror that I have slimmed down. I feel great. I have tried eating a lot of what I have cut out, and there are certain things that don't make me feel good, so I am going to try to avoid them as much as possible.

I loved the program so much that I am doing it again for the next 30 days. On the days that I don't feel good and have lots of nausea, the shakes seem to help me get in my nutrients. Staying off caffeine seems to help keep the headaches at a minimum, and I still have the freedom to say that I won't have two shakes today, and will eat to regular meals. I am now picking the good stuff at restaurants, mainly because much to the fried, bread, salty, and sugary stuff makes me feel not so good.

On top of all of this, maybe loosing weight is helping me to ovulate on my own so I won't need meds. I hope that is the case. The least amount of medicine I take the better. Less likely to interact with my IIH.

My life is forever changed. I will have my good and bad days. I may not have gone into remission, but my IIH seems to be under control and I hope it stays that way.

Day 20--Update on Arbonne 30 Day fit official WI and reflections

2013-05-15T07:07:00.000-07:00

Todays weight: 287.7
Saturday Weigh in: 289.0
Beginning weight: 302.8
Beginning weight on Arbonne: 297.5
Total Loss as of Saturday: 13.8
Total loss overall: 15.1
Total Loss on Arbonne: 9.8 lbs

I haven't written in a few days. I meant to update on where I was at weigh in on Saturday, but it got busy during the weekend. We did some packing Friday, and Saturday was spent doing grocery shopping for the week, and then getting ready for a wedding, and then driving two hours to that wedding, and coming back same day. Sunday was spent with the Mother's and then more packing, and then washer and dryer shopping. By Monday, I could barely get out of bed.

My symptoms came raring back full force except for my eye. I had headaches, back aches that went all the way into my neck, and was crying over the fact that I had to pack more and I just couldn't do it. I know my husband is trying, and he is being great, but sometimes he is frustrated. I know that. So am I, I want to be my normal self again. In the past even when not feeling good, I would just work through it. I can't. Every time I try to just work through it, I get worse. This IIH just isn't the same as having a cold, having a hurt arm, or just having a migraine. It is so much worse, and my body fights me every step of the way.

So when I step on that scale and I see a lower number, I praise God. Three weeks ago I thought it wasn't possible. I thought that the Dr's were asking me to do one thing that I had been trying to do for so long. I know Weight Watcher's works. My father looks great. I have in the past lost quite a bit on it, but my body always fought back after a certain point. I just thought it was my thyroid. The first couple of times maybe, but when I just couldn't lose any weight even when hardly eating, I knew that this IIH was the cause. I read about how cutting out certain foods can help, and it has. I feel better on most days that are symptom free. I have even been able to go up the stairs again, but I am also learning when I need to stop and rest. I am figuring out this new version of my body.

On Saturday, I did have some cake. I thought that I could splurge a little. I also had chili cheese fries because when one goes to The Hat and one doesn't eat gluten there is not much you can have there. Their chili cheese fries with pastrami are my favorite. It was Mother's day, and for dinner I knew I was having a shake. I also knew that come Monday morning I was going to be up a little. Between the wedding food and the fries, I knew there was going to be that chance. It didn't bother me. I was in situations that were out of my control, and I made the best possible choices. I do have to say though that when I had the cake, all of a sudden I needed to have more sugary things, but I just kept my cool and let it be that one thing. Then I just drank more water.

Monday was our last meeting at school, and what do they do? Celebrate with food of course. Homemade tortillas and carne asada and pork. Oh it looked so yummy, but I resisted because I knew at home waiting was my crockpot BBQ Apple Chicken I made that morning. It was a new recipe and I wanted to try it. It was so good, and you know what? I even skipped on the ice cream they were offering.

All in all I feel good. The scale was back down from the 2 lbs up on Monday, and I am 5% of weight loss. I can't complain. I have to realize that not every day am I going to be 100%, and when I have weekends like the one I just had, I have to realize that I can't get down about it. That my body just can't handle that.

Day 15-- Reflection on my 2nd week on Arbonne 30 day feeling fit

2013-05-09T08:22:00.002-07:00

Weight today: 293.4
Beginning weight: 302.8
Weight Day 1 of program: 297.1
Loss on Arbonne: In two weeks I am down 3.4
Total Loss: 9.4

I am down another 2.8 from last week. Of course last Saturday I was down a little bit more, and then had lost some consistently over the week and thought that I wasn't going to have a repeat of last week. Not true. Yesterday I was up, and so here I am still down from where I was last week at this time. I am starting to notice a pattern. I lose big by Saturday, and by Monday maybe even Tuesday my body goes "hey you aren't supposed to be losing that weight!" Then I am back up the next day, it is always just a little bit and never more than I was the week previously on that day. Then that lasts for about a day, and I start to lose again. It's as if my body goes into a little shock.

I am ok with this though. Why? Because I haven't seen the number 300 at the end of the day in over a week. I am down, and it shows on the scale. Mind you I would love to see all this weight disappear over night. Who doesn't? It just doesn't work that way. In fact it seems it is harder to take it off than put it on. So here I sit seeing those numbers, and you know what. 9.4 total down is a good number. Three weeks ago I would have sworn up and down to you that it wasn't coming off. That my body hated me. I have all kinds of things going on with it, and it didn't seem good. I was miserable. I was nauseous, couldn't eat, and then when I did, my body was doing not so good things. All of this I am sure is part of the IIH.

I am also sure that with IIH that certain foods seem to cause problem with my body. My body was already fighting off this disease and not winning, and I wasn't eating in a way that was good for it as well. I was also not eating enough. I had become almost an anorexic. This time it was because I just couldn't eat. Putting solid food in my stomach before the afternoon was making me really sick. So I opted to not eat at work just so I wouldn't be so sick at work. That wasn't really working out for me. These shakes allow me to get all my nutritional needs in, and allowed me to get food in my body without making me super sick. I really am loving it.

My Husband asked me today if I was still okay with drinking the shakes? Was I missing anything? I could honestly say no, I am not missing anything. I still get to eat a normal meal. I get chocolate with my shakes and fit chews. I get fruit, or even peanut butter, or sometimes pumpkin in my shakes. I am ok with all of it. Don't get me wrong, I am still tempted by all of the junk foods I used to love. Just not as much because I know that I won't feel good if I eat them. I also was not once tempted by the spaghetti they were all eating last night. I was perfectly happy with my salad that I made before we went over to the in-laws. I was full, and couldn't even finish all of it.

Eventually I will add back in some stuff. Like making cookies. But I am going to find a way to do that without having gluten in them. I love to experiment while cooking. For right now I am just going to keep on eating the way I am. Why? Because I feel good. I feel better than I have in a long time.

A rant on the media...Day 14 Arbonne 30 Day feeling Fit

2013-05-08T11:48:00.002-07:00

Why is weight such a big deal about who we are as people? There have been so many news stories in the last few days about the perception of overweight people. This week started off with a Gov. Christie story about him having the lap band surgery. He wanted to make it clear that he did it for himself and his family, yet every news story about it goes back to public perception of his weight and how he would have to do this to be President. To me Gov Christie's weight is not my business, nor should be the business of any other person in this country. Yet I know and have seen many people on my Facebook feeds who during the last election were constantly making fun of him for his weight. They didn't once criticize him for what he believes or stands for. It was always some fat joke they were making. What really got me was people who themselves have admitted they issues with their own weight.

We are so quick to judge people in today's society, and usually that judgement falls where we ourselves fall short as well. Gov. Christie has a family, he even has feelings himself. We don't know if he has a medical issue that causes him to be overweight, and we certainly don't need to know his reasons for doing what he did. Instead we should be uplifting him for doing something that is so difficult. We should be encouraging, and there shouldn't be any judgement involved at all.

The next story I hear is about Abercrombie and Fitch. Shame on you! This CEO is so wrong in his viewpoints of people. He claims that he won't sell anything larger than a large because he only wants the cool beautiful people to shop in his store. He is so stuck on image that he can't see what harm this does to our young people. They are the ones who mainly shop there. To say unless you fit our clothes, you aren't beautiful or cool is wrong. Even if I could fit in his clothes I will refuse to wear them. There is no reason to support a company that has a size bias, or even support a company in which he doesn't care about his customers unless they fit some insane idea about what is beautiful.

Where have we gone in our ideas of beauty in this world. We used to think curves and a woman who had some meat on her bones was beautiful. Instead we view Anorexic looking woman as the ideal. It is to the point that so many girls today have body image issues that they begin to think less of themselves if they don't look like twigs. That is so harmful to the psyche of these young women today. To say that you aren't worth anything unless you are so stick thin that your health is in danger is creating a culture of young woman who don't value themselves for who they are on the inside, and is only asking them to find men in their lives who only see them for their beauty. There are huge ramifications to stores like Abercrombie and Fitch and the media who idolizes the beauty of stick thin women. As adults it is our job to teach our young men and women what it is to be a man or a woman. We need to teach our young teens that beauty is within.

So no being overweight, you don't have to accept that you are overweight. You can try to lose the weight, but that isn't going to fix you as a person. You need to accept yourselves first before you can change what is on the outside. You need to comfortable with who you are as a person. That is not what the media is telling you. According the Abercrombie and Fitch, you are worthless unless you fit into their clothes. Is that what we want to teach our teens? Is that the legacy we want to leave for future generations? I certainly hope not.

Sometimes it is overwhelming....Day 13-Arbonne 30 day feeling fit

2013-05-07T09:02:00.001-07:00

So much is going on. Sometimes it feels overwhelming. We have to move, I have to pack up my classroom and take that all home. I have to write a final report on my grant money usage, and buy the last bit of stuff I asked for. Then there is something to do every weekend for the next month, the last month of school. So when I start to think about all that needs to be done, I get overwhelmed. I don't know what to do first. In the past I would just let the eating go. I would not want to think about that, count points, make sure I am getting the right serving. I would just leave all of that.

This time seems to be different. I know that all I need to do when I wake up is decide what shake to make. Then pack my water and shake powder for lunch at work. When I get home, I already have planned what meals we are having that week, and I made sure it was easy ones that we would both like. It all is so easy. There are no counting points. I know exactly what to have and when, and that is all I have to do and think about. It gives me control over my weekend eating, and my night time what's for dinner eating.

The results I am seeing are that I am feeling better. People have made comments that I seem to have my color back, what little can be had in pasty white skin. They say I look better, I don't look run down anymore. I have noticed I don't have dark circles under my eyes anymore really. I am sleeping a little better. I still have my off days and I seem to be in one those few days, but the headaches aren't as bad. Is it the diuretic? Is it the new diet? I don't know. I do think it may be a combination of all of it. I also think God has a hand in all of this.

When it looked like I was going to have surgery because there were no other options. When I felt that it was going to be like this forever, something told my Dr to look at medicines that are not used for this disease and see if there was something else that worked similar that I could take. What do you know, there is. I felt hopeless three weeks ago. I felt that one Dr would listen, the other wouldn't. The one that really mattered wouldn't. It was hopeless in being able to lose even 5 lbs. I never thought I would be sitting here 11 lbs down.

We now have a house that has room for a baby. It looks like I am back to almost being normal, or being as normal as I will ever be. I am excited for what the future holds again. I am ready for change. For change in the workplace, and for change in our relationship. Adding a little one will be good, and for once I finally don't feel so sick. In a few weeks I will go back to the neurologist. I am hoping that what he tells me is that we can move forward in our lives again, and not be stuck in this holding pattern that we have been in for 5 months.

In the meantime, I will keep on with Arbonne. I will enjoy life, and the new way of eating.

Day 12- Arbonne 30 day feeling fit, WI after one week on.

2013-05-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

Saturday Weigh in: 292.5
Beginning weight: 302.8
Beginning weight on Arbonne: 297.5
Total Loss as of Saturday: 10.3
Total loss overall: 10.8
Total Loss on Arbonne: 5.5 lbs

I feel energized, and I feel confident. That is what losing 10 lbs feels like. It feels like I have taken control again. My illness no longer can control me. I spent a weekend busy. We had things to take care of for the house we are moving into, we still had our weekly grocery shopping, and then time spent with family. Sunday was spent going to a birthday party, and between the stress of the weekend and the party I managed to not eat the pizza, junk, and cake that was there. Yes I had Panda Express last night, but I ate what I wanted, and then threw the rest away. I didn't over do it, and it was good to have as a treat every once in a while. The old me would have eaten all the stuff at the party, and then had the Panda express too.

I feel like I can make better food choices, and I can resist anything. I was willing to splurge a little last night, and really did I feel better after eating it. Not really, and truthfully I could have done without it. I just wanted to have a little treat. I also didn't let it ruin me and my progress, and I am right back on the program today. Tonight we are having cilantro lime chicken made in the crockpot, and I will probably do some quinoa and black beans with it as well. It looked good when I left, and can't wait to get home to the smell of it.

Tomorrow is Teacher day at Chipotle, and I will stick to the salad option. This isn't as restrictive as you think, and it allows the freedom in that one meal. I am discovering that I actually like to eat without all the gluten, dairy, and the caffeine that was main staples of my diet. Hy husband likes a lot of the food I am making as well. The key to all of this is planning though. You need to plan your meals for the week, and then stick to that plan.

Oh and did I mention I am halfway to where the Dr wanted me to see how it affected my IIH? Yep, I am halfway on what I thought was going to be impossible.

Day 8- Reflections on my First week on Arbonne 30 day feeling fit

2013-05-02T10:28:00.002-07:00

Weight: 296.2
Beginning weight: 302.8
Weight Day 1 of program: 297.1
Total Loss: 6.6 lbs

Stepping on the scale and not seeing the number you want can be hard, it could derail you. In fact when I stepped on the scale this morning I thought great I hadn't lost anything really in a week. Then I realized that one week ago when I started this program I was actually up almost a pound. So since last Thursday I had lost 1 lb. Then I thought about it, my body had gone up a little bit at the be inning of this week, and I am back down to where I was at last Saturday. So there are two more days until my official weigh-in for the week, and I can only go down from here.

I truly think that my body was sent into shock, it was like wait a minute you are supposed to lose like that, or even really lose at all. It has been so comfortable at this weight for so long, that changing my eating habits forced my body to try to halt what was going on. I now realize that I need to keep going. I had a huge loss last week, and I just need to hang in there. It will get better and it will fall off. Besides yesterday I had someone say I thought you looked skinnier. So they noticed. I may not have lost much weight in the last week, but I think inches wise there is a slight difference, which means typically for me there will be a big loss soon.

I am loving how I feel right now, and I am going to focus on that. I am going to focus not on that number, but do I have issues each day. Am I feeling better? I also have to realize that with my IIh I am going to have set backs.That it isn't going to get better over night, but that I am on the right track to getting better. I pray that I go into remission soon.

Day 7--Arbonne 30 day fit, Can't look at the number on the scale

2013-05-01T07:33:00.002-07:00

I have managed to not stray, but the temptations have been there yesterday. I overcame them though, and had a few fit chews before bed, and that seemed to help. I don't know if it is because my weight isn't where I thought it would be at this point. I am still up from where I was Sunday, but if you look at my official WI weight from Saturday, then I am just slightly up. Monday and Tuesday the weight seemed to creep up, and now I am back to a downwards trend.

I am thinking that what it is the water pill, and add that to I lost so much the first week, that I think my body is fighting me. It doesn't want to let go, and being stubborn.

With all of this, I can't focus on that number on the scale. If anything the last 4 hellish months have taught me is that my body is not like everyone else's. I have underlying issues with the Intracranial Hypertension. It is an invisible illness for a reason. I may look healthy on the outside, but inside I feel like crap. I do find the more I am active, the more tired I am, and I need to pick and choose the activities I do, but I also can't let any of this be an excuse to not eat properly. All I can do is eat properly and hope that one day my body will decided to just let go of all the extra weight.

What I am focusing on is that I feel good. I am now able to eat three meals. I rarely have anything other than that just because I still have issues with eating (the meds, and then I am stress anorexic). I am can be happy that with the shakes I am getting all the nutrition I need. I just need to remember to take my vitamins at the end of the day. That at school, I don't need to rush to gobble something down for lunch because I have a shake to drink, and it is ok to drink while teaching. I am focusing on the fact that I am drinking all my water and then some. I am being healthy. My body from my chest down feels great. It has somehow regulated itself. I haven't really had IBS issues in over a week, my head may feel foggy or hurt, but the rest of the body isn't as achy. The headaches I do get are mild compared to where they were almost two weeks ago. My wallet likes it too because I haven't felt the need to go to starbucks or some other place in the morning to grab breakfast on the way to work. Then the kicker, because I am forcing my husband to eat healthier meals at night, and he has been able to get back on track with Weight Watchers too.

So while that scale isn't moving, or may be going up a little, I have made significant changes in the last week or so, and that has made my body and spirit better. Yes I do weigh every day because when I avoid the scale, I avoid eating healthier. It keeps me accountable, and I need to say ok that is my number today, but it won't be that tomorrow, and I just need to keep plugging away at what I am doing. Besides I only have 27 more days of this hell hole of place I am working at, and then I will have stress free summer.

Day4-5: Arbonne 30 Day feeling fit

2013-04-29T10:18:00.003-07:00

Yesterday we went to one of my favorite restaurants. It is a BBQ place, but I absolutely love the rolls. They are so yummy. I didn't even eat one, didn't want one. I didn't want the gluten that came in it. Guess what? I didn't feel like I missed out on anything either. I was ok with that. I had water and a tri-tip salad that I mainly ate with out any dressing, just a little BBQ sauce. I didn't even eat all of it. One thing I did though was eat a fit chew before I went so that I wouldn't be hungry when waiting for the food, and wouldn't want to chow down on those rolls. It worked.

I stayed up a little later than I normally do last night. I seemed to have to energy to do so. I felt great to able to stay up through most of the shows I watch, and not have to watch them later on the DVR. I even prepared as much of my meals for today as possible.

Tonight I am trying Sloppy Jills. They sound yummy. I got the recipe from another blog. I will try it, and see how they taste. I am adjusting some of the ingredients. There are certain things that my husband won't eat in the recipe, but everything else he will. I will have it with my left over quinoa and black beans from Saturday night, and possibly some lettuce. Here is the blog that I got the recipe from: http://www.fitgirlinprogress.com/2013/03/sloppy-jills-recipe-paleo-sloppy-joes.html

As for stress, this is going to be sort of an easy week. 3 minimum days, 1 short day, and 1 regular day. Not too bad, and I have sort of limited time with my bad class. They are at least forced to be quiet on the days of testing. Less stress, means a better me.

The number on the scale went up slightly, but that is okay. I lost almost 7 lbs in one week. There should be a day or too this week where it might not budge. As long as I don't let that get in my head, and keep doing what I am doing I will be fine. I shouldn't give up. I am feeling better, and that is what matters. Not that number on the scale. I can worry about that when I am in remission.

Day 3- Arbonne 30 day feeling fit kit progress

2013-04-27T17:03:00.000-07:00

8:00 Breakfast of Protein shake ( 1 tbsp natural PB, 2 scoops chocolate powder, 1 scoop fiber, 8 oz almond milk, 1/2 frozen banana, 3 ice cubes)
12:00- Finish 32 oz of fizz water (pom)
12:30-Lunch of Protein Shake (chocolate and berry minus the banana)
3:30- Finish 32 oz of water
4:45- Dinner of Steak fajitas, quinoa, black beans with cholula and lime juice, and avocado

A little over a week ago I decided to try something different. To cut out some foods that maybe weren't doing me good right now. As a result of that I am now down 6.7, 2 lbs in the last two days with starting full out on the Arbonne program. I feel great. My headaches (without being on Topamax) seem to have almost disappeared. I still have the pressure in my head. There are signs of it, but I already have more energy, and the pain in my head is dull compared to where it was at a week ago. I was even able to really clean one room in the house. It feels great to feel like this again. Whether or not I lose any more weight, I will continue just for how I feel right now.

Last night I started to get hives. We couldn't figure out if it was the meds, or if it was something else. I looked at all the Arbonne packages again, and noticed that the tea had walnut leaves in it. I am allergic to walnut trees. Not the nuts, but my body does react to the nuts thinking they are pollen from the tree. So I won't be drinking the tea any more, and will try the medicine one more time to see if I am allergic.

This morning I made a protein shake with 1 tbsp natural PB, 2 scoops chocolate powder, 1 scoop fiber, 8 oz almond milk, 1/2 frozen banana, 3 ice cubes. It is really yummy. For lunch I did the berry smoothie of the previous days, sans the banana (walmart was out). I have drunk all my water and then some, and had a wonderful dinner of gluten-free Steak fajitas meat, quinoa, black beans with cholula and lime juice, and avocado. It was very yummy.

At lunch time, T asked me what I wanted to do for lunch. Without hesitation I said I have my shake at home. I was looking forward to it. That is a big change. Most weekends I want junk food. I don't usually eat it during the week, and spend the weekends cheating, not just one meal, but a few. I don't feel the need for it, and I think this has a lot to do with how I am feeling. I hope this continues, and I can make it the 30 days.

Day 2- Arbonne 30 Day Feeling Fit

2013-04-26T07:14:00.002-07:00

I feel great. I was tired, didn't want to get out of bed, but that had more to do with I am hating work life right now, and don't want to be there. My body feels great. I am full. Had another protein shake this morning. This time only 1/2 banana, and I put 8 oz of almond milk, with no flax seed. So yummy!! I think I will try peanut butter tomorrow.

I think I will suggest a walk tonight. A short one as I am trying out the new meds, and heard that if can make you really need to go to the bathroom, not that I don't do that all the time already with all the water I drink, and then you go even more when your body is dropping the pounds. Nothing is worse when you are stuck with students for two hours, can't leave and almost an hour in your bladder is full. It is no wonder that we teachers don't get bladder infections more often.

I have my citrus fizz water next to me. I am armed with fit chews, apple slices, and my protein shake for lunch. I am ready for the day. I can do this.

I was reminded by a friend who has a birthday today that I should ask God to bless someone today. That is my prayer, to have a peaceful day, and have the opportunity to bless and show someone love today. To be selfless, compassionate, and to have patience in dealing with my students. That way I am not stressed, and then I am able to eat.

Day 1 Continued 30 day Feeling Fit Arbonne

2013-04-25T19:21:00.001-07:00

Breakfast 6:30: Protein shake
Snack 11:50: fit chew, metabolism boost
Lunch 1:00: Protein shake (almond milk with powder and fiber boost)
finished by 12:45: 32 oz of fizz water
finished by 3:00: 32 oz of water
Dinner 4:00: chicken breast with green beans and Detox tea
Snack 6:45: fit chew

Today went well. The shakes kept me full. I was able to get my goal of water in, and had a healthy dinner. I also turned down candy, chips, all sorts of junk food offered to me. I didn't feel deprived at all for doing so. I was full and didn't feel the need to eat that stuff. Plus the fit chews and the protein shakes actually were sweet enough that I didn't need all of that.

I was also told there was an alternative medicine to try for my IIH, and will start the diuretic tomorrow.

Day 1- 30 day fit program

2013-04-25T07:06:00.001-07:00

Well I had My first shake this morning. I put 7 0zs of Almond milk, 2 scoops of the Arbonne protein powder, 1 scoop fiber powder, 1 scoop flax seed powder, 1 banana, 1/2 c strawberries, 1/2 c mixed berries (blueberries and blackberries). The fruit was frozen. It was so yummy, and I am really full right now.

I have my pomegranate fizz water ready (32 oz) and a citrus in the bag waiting for later today. I also have my almond milk and powder for a shake for lunch. Then tonight we are going to do chicken for dinner, and I will have green beans. I have chews in case I do get hungry. I am ready for the day. Ready to face it. It is going to be a great day.

I can say it helped to have everything prepared last night, all I had to do was just put it in my bag, or dump into the blender and go. Made getting out of the house easier.

I did start to eat gluten-free and healthy over the weekend in preparation for this, and as of this morning I was at 297.1, down from 302.8 last Thursday. That is 5.7 down in one week. In that time, We were able to get out and walk to dinner a few times over the weekend. We walked the dog to the dog park. I cut back on the gluten rich foods and refined sugar foods I was eating. I also have pretty much given up caffeine at this point. I have had very little dairy in the last week. In general, I feel a little bit better. Like my insides feel better, not my head, but the rest of my body. It is progress.

30 day fit....

2013-04-24T07:17:00.001-07:00

My Arbonne 30 Day Fit came yesterday. Just waiting on the protein powder, and I can go full force with this. I am excited. It is something new, it is something different. I like change. I am hoping that this shocks my system back into losing again, and I get back on the right track.

I hate when Drs make it seem like you are choosing to be fat. That you are doing nothing to help yourself. That you just want to be this way. I wish. I so want to be the thin me again. I hate being like this. I accept myself, and I am no longer hard on myself, but I hate being this way. I wish that my body would get with the picture and follow what my brain and heart want. It just isn't that way.

So for the next 30 days, I will be doing the Arbonne system. 2 shakes a day, and healthy meal at night. Fit chews, detox tea, and fizz water in between. If anything, I am hoping that it will rid my body of whatever is happening inside of it, and shocks it back into losing mode again. I have noticed that when I eat too much refined sugar, caffeine, bread, and those types of things that I don't feel good. I have been feeling better the last few days as I have tried to stay away from those while waiting for my Arbonne to arrive.

I had this rocking salad at Panera that was a salmon mediterranean salad. It had lettuce ( I went with the romaine since it has less Vitamin A than field greens, I can't have too much Vitamin A), feta cheese, kalamata olives, sliced almonds, and this to die for dressing that isn't all that bad for you. It was so wonderful, and I was pretty full afterwards. Maybe it will be my dinner tonight.

Tomorrow I should be starting the 30 day fit full force. Can't wait to see how I feel, and what it brings. So far the scale has been kind to me this week. I hope it continues that way.

Your fat....

2013-04-23T06:03:00.001-07:00

Well I have gained back all my weight and then some. Why? I don't know. I can barely eat due to the medication I am on. My school schedule has lunch at 10:30 in the morning so if I eat breakfast when I am hungry, then I can't eat lunch, and then I am having to wait until dinner. It is a vicious cycle.

I went to see a Neuro Ophthalmologist at UCLA. She is supposed to be the top in her field in L.A. Well her idea, I was supposed to be there to talk about surgery, was to just lose weight. Lose 20 lbs, and the symptoms should ease. Oh and in order to do that give up weight watchers, find something more restrictive, and have your thyroid meds upped so it can help you lose weight. That last one is dangerous, and I had my other Dr's finally decide that messing with the dosage was not helping. That my pressure in my head is messing with my endocrine system.

While I would love to lose 20 lbs, and have tried my hardest to lose, the Dr was stuck on my weight, and wasn't willing to look at other options besides the medicine that I cannot take. So I cried. I felt like I wasn't getting the help I needed, and she wasn't listening to me. That she didn't hear the I tried. That the thought of getting out and walking around the block on some days is so excruciating, I barely make it home from work. I think a lot of my problem is stress. I am stressed at work, and I am stressed at what seems like endless Dr's appointments that go nowhere.

So what am I going to do? I am going to try the Arbonne 30 day fit. I can barely eat two meals a day. So drinking two shakes, and then a normal healthy weight watcher meal in the evening seems ideal. I haven't gotten the stuff in the mail yet, but have already tried to eat gluten-free, more protein, more healthy the way I would on the Arbonne program, and have lost some weight, while waiting for my thyroid prescription to come in as well. I feel better without the refined sugar, or the caffeine. So once the stuff gets here, I can do it full force and see what happens. I have the almond milk and frozen fruit for my shakes ready. The nice thing is that I can do this with weight watchers, so I don't have to walk away from a program that I know works, and still be there for my husband. This way I can also say I tried. Look there it is. There are your 20 lbs, the symptoms are still here, now will you help me.

Besides losing weight can't hurt.

Losing weight has to be one of the hardest things to do in life.

2013-03-19T08:47:00.001-07:00

Losing weight has to be one of the hardest things to do in life. It isn't easy. For one you have to eat to survive. You can't just magically snap your fingers and the weight will be gone. There is no magic cure, no miracle pill or procedure or food that will make it go away for good. It takes effort. Real effort, and for some it is a whole lot harder than others.

For example, my dad is very methodical. He works with math and logics on a regular basis, and counting points was nothing for him. Being told how many points everything is to him, and then telling him how many points he has in a day to eat is like a science experiment to him. The weight just melted off. It also helps that my dad has always loved being active, loved all vegetables and fruits, and has always in some way been a healthy eater, he just was eating too much. I definitely did not inherit the metabolism from him. I sometimes want to shoot myself when we are eating or talking about weight watchers and he talks about how many points something is, or he talks about how eat all these points in a week and he still managed to lose. I can't stand it.

Myself on the other hand, I was diagnosed with a rare disease in January, and since have really struggled. I thought I was back on track with eating low glycemic. I was enjoying it, and then I started taking topamax, and I can hardly eat, and some of the foods that I was eating, I can't eat because the foods aren't good for my disease. You would think with not eating very much at all that I would be losing. Nope. Nothing, Nada. I am tired all the time. I have stopped focusing on the number on the scale, and focusing on just getting through the day, and trying to eat healthy. I drink lots of water, that is a plus. I can't drink much soda because it tastes awful as a side effect of the drug. I am trying to figure this out, and it is hard. It is a struggle, and as I try, I hope that I do get better. I pray that God will heal and help the Dr's to find a cure for this rare disease.

In the meantime, I think we all should stop judging others on their weight. I was really bothered by someone from my weight watchers group who was talking about one of her neighbors who also attends weight watchers. She was saying that she knows that lady attends, that she can't even drive a car anymore because she has become so over weight. She said that I don't even think she is losing weight, She isn't even trying. I almost wanted to scream at her, how do you know? Are you there, are you helping here, taking care of her, checking in on her? How do you know there isn't an underlying medical issue that is causing her to struggle. Or maybe she is, and it just isn't physically visible yet. Maybe she is just doing it slowly. My guess, she is the first to beat up on herself, and doesn't need others to do it.

It is a hard journey, and one that can't be taken lightly. One for some that is harder than others. Either way, we need to support each other on it, no matter how fast or long it takes. My father may have taken a short time, but he supports my mom and I without judgement. He encourages, and I am sure not once would he ever say to anyone that I don't think they are losing or not trying. He sees the struggles and he encourages. That is true love and compassion that I wish everyone had.

update

2013-01-28T18:20:00.001-08:00

Wow, my life two weeks ago, almost 3, was completely different. We were preparing to start Clomid, and the thinking was that sometimes in the next few months there would be a baby on the way. Now, it is get through each day the best I/we can and pray that eventually we will be able to go back down the fertility path once I am better.

January 8th, I walked into the optometrist with the thought that I needed a new prescription and all would be fine. What I didn't expect was being told that I needed to see a neurologist right away. I was first told that it might be ms, and then I was told that it might be a brain tumor, and now we know for sure it is Intracranial Hypertension. I had no clue that existed, or what it even was.

Basically my body doesn't absorb any extra spinal fluid, and this causes pressure in my brain, and leaves one with a general feeling of unwell, and often headaches, and in some cases swollen optical nerves like mine. It can lead to blindness if it is not treated. Since the mri showed nothing wrong, it has been a whirlwind of testing. I have had more needles stuck in me than I would ever like, and my life has completely changed. Instead of my life changing in a way that I thought it would at this point, it has gone down a completely different path. I cannot fathom what life will be like, I just don't know and that is scary. It is hard to stay positive when looking at all that we will be dealing with, including medical bills. The one thing I can control, is what I eat. I can control what goes in my mouth, and because of this, following my eating plan has been so much easier. I have lost 10 lbs since the beginning of the year, when I was at my highest at 298.

Supposedly losing weight will help with this disease. It is supposed to help with the swelling, and I hope that it does. I do know it will help with ovulation.

I am so ready to not be tired by the middle of the day. I wish I had the energy to go home and clean and organize, but I don't. Some days cooking is too much. I am grateful, and amazed at the gift God has given me in my husband. He provided him in my life at just the right time, when I was going to need the support and love of someone. He is my strength, as well as God.

I will make it. I can do this. I have faith, but it is going to be a long road to that first baby. Not what I thought it would have been 20 years ago when I was turning 13 and had my life mapped out. In fact it looks nothing like that, but God has a plan, and I will follow where I am told to go.

this can't be my life...

2013-01-10T07:09:00.001-08:00

My heart is breaking. Every time I begin to think about what this all means I cry hysterically. If you have ever watched Grey's Anatomy I feel like Christina when I cry. She has some of the best crying scenes in that show, and that is exactly how I am crying. Everything is a blur. It seems as if it is happening to someone else, and then I think about when I stop taking progesterone and get my af, I get to do the count down to ovulation. I was so looking forward to that. I was looking forward to the day I get to do the I am pregnant dance. Peeing on that stick and seeing two lines.

That day is far away now, and may never happen. Let me go back to the beginning. A few months ago I noticed that besides having trouble reading, I was starting to get wavy vision in my left eye. I could see fine in my right, but my left the words seemed to be wavy. I just thought I needed new glasses. I have an astigmatism, and figured that it was that, and I needed to wait until I was eligible to get an exam again in January.

On tuesday, I went to get my eyes checked and was told that I have a swollen optic nerve. She said there was a few causes, one of them being ms. So of course I freaked out over that, but I didn't have any of the other symptoms. So I figured the neurologist wouldn't think it was any major. I went to see the neurologist yesterday, and now I have to go for a mdi, mrv and a mra to see if it is a brain tumor or something to with the blood vessels. The dr is saying the brain tumor is more likely. It could even be that pesky pituitary tumor back now and growing. Then told me that I couldn't actively try to get pregnant. Absolutely no clomid, nothing. This is where my heart breaks. It it is a pituitary tumor, there is surgery involved to remove it, and radiation. I know the treatment if it has grown.

Sometimes I hate knowing. I hate being the intelligent person who arms themselves with information. Because that is what I did when I was first diagnosed. I know what I am facing, and with that I am scared to death that I will never be able to have children. I can't even not cry without thinking about what is going to happen.The next two to three weeks of my life is limbo. I am stuck in a spot where I don't know what the future is. Everything lies on this diagnosis, and it could take longer than that. I have a hard time handling that. I have a hard time not knowing what is going to happen at least in the nest 6 months. I was that 13 year old who had her life planned out for the next 20 years. I knew what college, what I was going to study, what job I was going to do, when I was going to have a family. And now, everything that 13 year old girl had planned didn't happen, and the one biggest thing I ever wanted or dreamed about, may never happen. I feel like I am living someone else's life. Amazing how an hour can just change everything.

I am so thankful that I have found the low gylcemic diet. It at least gives me some control over what is going on. Instead of not eating, or just eating everything in sight. I am controlling that. Thank God that I had planned out the week with my lunches. That I had the presence of mind to go and make sure I had everything. I just roboticly packed what I was supposed to take last night, had one last snack, and went to bed. I thank God that I had a good night of sleep once I did fall asleep. I just need to keep moving, even it is through the monitions. Get through the day, and the next. It is only by the strength of God that I am.

My prayer today, God give me the strength to get through the day. Help me to forget about it for at least a little bit. Heal me, and have a diagnosis quickly, and provide that one thing I ask, that someday I will be able to have a baby.

Tracking Vacation...

2012-10-02T08:05:00.001-07:00

Had a big set back last week. Could not get the eating under control, and of course gained a ton of weight. It is so much easier to put it on than it is to take it off. At least for me it is. It is a daily struggle. With my health conditions it makes it hard to lose weight. I know this, and yet I take tracking vacations from time to time.

This last week I have really wanted something sweet, in particular chocolate. I have been eating horribly, and I know it, and I consciously did it. This week, yesterday in particular, I managed to get the chocolate in without blowing my points. Today is going to be the same. I have a baby shower, and I am going to eat within my points. None of this eat everything in sight deals. I am going to take it one step at a time, one hour at a time.

On the bright side, I have already gone down quite a bit as I got back into drinking all my waters and staying away from the soda. Diet Soda does crazy things to me. It makes me all gassy and bloaty, makes my stomach hurt. I had one small glass last night, and I feel so much better than the half a two liter bottle a day that I had gotten into in the last week. I feel so much better today, other than being super tired but that is nothing new.

So today I am going to have a better day, no more harassing student, and my food is going to be better. Already is, no McDonald's stop this morning or yesterday, can't get any better than that.

living strong...

2012-09-20T08:21:00.001-07:00

Stepped on the scale this morning (as I do every morning because if I don't, I don't keep myself accountable) and it looks good. After the emotional roller coaster of the week, I feel great about myself, and I didn't eat everything in sight, nor did I just not eat.

I am one of those who won't eat if I feel depressed or frustrated. I will just not eat, and this will go for a few days, and then I will binge eat. I know I have an issue with food, and like one of the women on the 600-lb life said, you will always have a food addiction. I will always have issues with my relationship with food.

My mom wasn't one to push food on me when I was depressed, but she did subscribe to the clean plate club. I couldn't leave the table until I ate everything on my plate, there was to be no wasted food. That is something I have had to rethink. To realize that I am full, and to not eat anymore. I also am working on not putting more on my plate than I need to have on my plate. I want to try everything, fine put a little bit of everything on the plate. I also use smaller plates. We have the big plate to use that came in the plate set, but I always use the smaller plates (salad plates).

The victory in this week is I stayed OP, and I kept my eating in check. I didn't let it get out of control. Just two more work days to get through, and then chaperoning a run with students, and then a day in Anaheim having fun with my cousin. I will be strong. I can do this...