Heart Start

Marathon Moments

noreply@blogger.com (Elizabeth Elizardi) — Mon, 14 Feb 2011 19:11:00 +0000

If you are looking for an instant boost in positive emotion or if you want to be elevated by the joy and camaraderie of a group of people, I highly suggest that you stand at the finish line of a marathon. Yesterday my husband and I walked through New Orleans City Park on a beautiful afternoon and listened to the jubilant sounds, watched the joyful expressions and felt the evocative bliss as runners finished the Mardi Gras marathons. Having the top strength of Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence in my back pocket, I was not only elevated by watching the runners, but I was awestruck by the number of children holding signs and banners , watching their moms, dads or relatives running past the finish line. I loved one humorous sign was on bright orange poster board with black letters reading “Daddy, it’s okay if you potty in your pants.” Other banners were inscribed with words of support and encouragement. Step after step along the route revealed children waited with anticipation on the sidelines and celebrating a great accomplishment with their parents.

The people who committed to run the Mardi Gras marathons are a great example of setting complex goals and creating the pathways toward success. Although there is a greater chance of failure with a complex goal like running a marathon, the sense of accomplishment upon completion is greater as well. Is it worth the risk reward? If not for you, it is worth it for your children. A child who watches a parent endure through training and cross the finish line on race day has a greater understanding of the goal-setting process. The caveat is that parents need to include their children in their personal goal-setting process. When we include children in conversations and dialogue around our individual goals, they will understand the process itself and possibly show a greater interest in setting attainable goals. Talking about goals and ambitions encourages a growth mindset in children as they watch parents put forth effort to achieve something desirable. Children will see firsthand that completing a complex goal takes effort and determination, illuminating the belief that skills are malleable and strengthened with practice and hard work. Whether the goal is simple or complex, include children in the process. They will learn from you.

You can introduce goal-setting with your children by talking with them about a skill they want to develop or a behavior they want to change or strengthen. Right now my three-year-old is working on sleeping in her room until the sun comes up and my six-year-old is strengthening her skills of being responsible for her school belongings. They both have marbles they add to a jar for each day they achieve their goal, which is a tangible and concrete way for them to see growth. Goal-setting theory cautions that goals need to be specific, so instead of getting marbles for “good behavior”, you and your child should narrow it down to the one good behavior or skill that needs the most attention. Remember that a vital step in the goal-setting process is feedback, which allows one to adjust goals if needed. Give consistent praise of the process and feedback that will help him access alternative pathways if he meets some obstacles in the way. This is another great opportunity to discuss how you may have overcome hurdles in the past. I can imagine the runner sharing with her child, “At about mile ten I started to really get tired and I didn’t think I was going to make it to the finish line. I envisioned what that finish line was going to look like and feel like and it got me through the last three miles.”

Child rearing is the ultimate marathon and many days parents envision the finish line, whether it be the eighteenth birthday or a child’s wedding day. During this race, modeling goal-setting is an important mile marker along the way of nurturing them into adulthood.

The Yinch Who Stole New Years

noreply@blogger.com (Elizabeth Elizardi) — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 02:25:00 +0000

The words Scrooge, Grinch and Bah Humbug are commonly used to describe people who are not in the Christmas spirit. Is there one to describe someone who loathes New Years? A yinch (Grinch + year)? Whatever the word may be, I became it this year. I was despondent about the year 2010 and all of the sadness and grief my family experienced in its wake. When I reflected on the year, the circumstances surrounding my husband's unemployment, a commuter marriage, and my grandfather's death outweighed all of the accomplishments. I realized that the temporal nature of New Year's was majorly affecting my attitude. I was measuring my life by the subjective failure of a year, instead of seeing my life with varying degrees of triumph and failure, birth and death, struggle and tranquility. So, I decided to think about "Life Resolutions" instead of "New Year's Resolutions".

Thinking about life resolutions naturally leads me to think of how I want to grow in life and what I want my children to witness each day. Hence, I look to one of the greatest teachers and parents in my life; my pop. Here is some of what he would want me to tell you:

Reach out – Pop formed communities. He was a long time member of Quaker City String Band in Philadelphia and his friends from the club were very much his family. Pop was also the neighborhood enthusiast and he could tell you about all of the kids on the block and what they were doing in school. He even formed a community of friends at the diner, The Dynasty, where he and mommom would eat breakfast. He loved everyone and everyone loved him back. He reached out and formed friendships and relationships that sustained him in very rough times. The four principles of resilience are overcoming, steering through, bouncing back and reaching out. People who reach out know themselves well and find meaning and purpose in their lives. Reaching out is risky, especially after overcoming and bouncing back after hard times, but it strengthens you. Pop was a pillar of strength.
Believe in something greater than you - I don't think I've ever seen someone pray as hard as Pop did. He was a man of extreme faith and spirituality. His time in Alcoholics Anonymous helped solidify his faith and reaffirm the belief that "the universe is not just about me".
Give – Whether it was St. Jude's, The Poor Claire's or a neighborhood kid, Pop loved giving to people. He not only gave monetarily; the greatest gifts were his time, attention and love. He was an extremely generous man. If anyone experienced a helper's high, it was Pop when he saw the expression of joy on your face when opening a gift.
Pursue a Passion. There were many things Pop loved. He was a skilled mechanic and enjoyed working on cars. He also loved his boat Gemini and fishing while at the shore. I remember sitting with him and crabbing for hours on end. He loved wood working. My sisters and I each have a set of handmade wooden trains that we place under our trees each Christmas. Earlier in his life one of his passions was dancing. His nickname was Crazy Legs and he won many competitions on the dance floor. No matter the hobby, Pop was always engaged in something that he found passionate and enjoyable.
Get outside and sit in the sun – If it was sunny outside and not too cold, you would find Pop sitting outside in the sun. He loved sitting on the stoop, which he insisted on doing even when he was bound to a wheelchair. I think the sun made him feel alive.

The commercialization of New Years prompts us to think about the year behind and the year ahead, instead of realizing that life is a summation of minutes, days, weeks, years and decades. It is not just the culmination of the 52 weeks we experience every December 31^st. I am hoping for a much better 2011, but I realize that I don't need to know how the year will end, because I know how it is starting; with reaching out, giving, praying, playing, and sunning. Pop helped me be a little less yinchy this year, and I hope you find resolutions that will become part of your life too, not just your 2011.

Parent Like a Rock Star

noreply@blogger.com (Elizabeth Elizardi) — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 16:53:00 +0000

At one time in my life I had a dream of performing on Broadway playing the role of Fantine in Les Miserables. That dream died quickly when the reality of adulthood set in and I envisioned an ambitious and naive young actress huddling over a radiator in a shoebox sized apartment wondering if the bundle of coins in her pocket was enough for the next meal. Instead I opted for a more predictable life, choosing family over fame, but I must tell you that the performer in me never died.

This morning, like most mornings, I awoke early to the sound of my alarm, hoping to steal at least fifteen minutes of silence before my children crept in the room. I made my way to the bathroom to get into the shower. I had barely slid the shower curtain over its rod, when the bathroom door opened, and standing in front of me were two sleep-eyed youngsters waiting for their morning kisses. I stepped into the shower, listened to their conversation and threw in a word or two to let them know I was interested in their morning dialogue. From the shower I traveled to the bedroom and then to the kitchen to get breakfast, all the while with two children in my shadow. Since I had an early morning meeting, I knew this would have to be a multi-tasking breakfast. I grabbed the mirror and my makeup from the bathroom and sat down at the dining room table to put my face on. I started with foundation and both girls scooted close to me. I reached into my case to grab the eye shadow and they moved even closer. As I was adding the last few brushes of mascara, my oldest daughter Scarlett said "Mommy, you look really beautiful."

At that moment I realized that my dream of performing on the big stage is a dream realized every day as a parent. No production of Les Miserables can ever compete with the Rock star role I have now. I am the lead in my own production and I have two of the most adoring fans in the world. They sit outside of my shower, waiting until I emerge and offer a smile, a kiss, or a kind word. They watch my every move, whether I am putting on makeup, reading a book, doing dishes or talking on the phone. Like a good fan, they follow me from room to room, encouraging me to perform with my words and actions and trying to steal every moment of time and attention. Their plea for an autograph is concealed in the words "Can you play with me?" or "Do you want to throw the ball?" Their fan club is like no other.

The great psychologist Alfred Adler and the educational philosophy of Reggio Emilia remind us that children are keen observers. They learn and acquire skills by watching the world around them. They adopt behavioral roles based on what they see. If big sister is the "golden child" who can do anything, maybe little sister will learn that the quickest way to get mom and dad's attention is to misbehave and be the "unruly child". This is even more of a reason to be aware that at every moment of the day, you are on stage. The spotlight is shining on you, sometimes so hot that it is unbearable, but nonetheless, you are center stage. Your children are the adoring fans right in front of you studying your moves, your cues, your actions and your words. Perform with precision, always remembering that no one becomes a Rock star without years of practice. Sometimes you will be off key, miss a cue, stumble and fall on stage. Fine tuning only makes the next performance better. Learn from your mistakes and approach the next performance with understanding and forgiveness. And don't only step into your role as a Rock star parent, but celebrate and party like a Rock star too. You have the hardest and MOST IMPORTANT job in the world.

Pony Tales on Mindful Parenting

noreply@blogger.com (Elizabeth Elizardi) — Mon, 06 Dec 2010 21:11:00 +0000

This past weekend I attended a reception at the home of New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu in celebration of the First Annual New Orleans Book Festival. I mingled with various event partners and sponsors and reveled in the excitement and anticipation of the festival the following day. One of the most enjoyable conversations I had was with Kaye Harris, owner of Molly the Pony and founder of Molly's Foundation. Molly is a three-legged pony with a prosthetic fourth leg. Kaye's retelling of the events surrounding Molly's injury is what I want to highlight in today's blog.

Kaye lives in St. Rose Parish, a rural community outside of New Orleans. When Hurricane Katrina hit, she and her husband Glenn evacuated nearly twenty horses and ponies from their farm. Post –Katrina, Kaye rescued Molly and several other animals, including a pit bull. In the months after Katrina, Molly was attacked by the traumatized pit bull and Kaye risked her own life by pulling the dog off of Molly. Kaye stayed with her pony, holding her leg that was now torn to shreds and Molly's leg came off in Kaye's hands while she was laying and consoling her mare. Kaye took one look in Molly's eyes and asked her "What do you want to do?" Then she grew quiet and listened to Molly's response. She quickly googled equine prosthetics found a company and started raising money for Molly's leg. Despite the advice Kaye received from veterinarians, she knew that there was "something about that mare". It was Molly's wish to live and share her spirit of resilience. Now Kaye and Molly the Pony travel around Louisiana telling their story and sharing the importance of listening to nonverbal and physiological responses.

Molly the Pony's story connects beautifully to the principles of mindful parenting. In the book Parenting from the Inside Out, the authors elucidate the importance of taking what is on the inside and putting it on the outside, or making the implicit more explicit. I could regal you with an overview of brain function, memory and mental patterns, but instead, I will just put this in simple terms. When parenting your child, have you ever had a moment when you felt a sensation or a reaction in your body that felt strange, out of place, or inappropriate for the situation? Have you ever reacted in a certain way to your child and thought, "that didn't feel good" or "that's what my parents used to say to me and I don't want to repeat that with my kids." I will give you a personal example. Whenever my daughter and I are shopping in Target, checking things off on our shopping list, she catches a glimpse of the toy aisle. She runs over, enamored with all the things to see and touch and she starts making her own shopping list and asking for one toy after another. I feel a marked physiological change in my body. I start to get irritated and impatient, hustling her along and telling her that we are not at Target to buy toys. Somewhere in my litany of responses is the phrase, "you should be grateful for the toys you have at home already." Now, it is perfectly normal for a young child to want toys, to be fascinated by the toy aisle, and to share the excitement of everything that beeps and talks. However, telling my child to be grateful for what she has is an undesirable response and I want it to change! If I explore a little more and dig a little deeper, I know that the change in my sensations is about implicit memories of not having much as a child, rarely being able to buy anything at the story, and hearing the same words repeated to me, "you should be grateful for what you have". Mindful parenting is about listening to your ticker tape or inner dialogue. Unless I listen, take the time to get in touch with that implicit memory and find its source, my explicit response, or reaction, will always be the same. The tricky thing about implicit memory is that it is activated unconsciously and therefore, affects your reactions even when you don't know why you are feeling a certain way. If you find yourself responding or reacting to your child in an undesirable way, take time to pause, tune into your ticker tape and journal about some possible deeper causes for your undesired response. Most importantly, listen to your inner dialogue and pay attention to your mind-body connection. Listening alters mental patterns and creates a new script for you as a parent. You can hobble around on three legs, longing for a change in your parenting patterns, or you can listen to your inner dialogue, pay attention to sensations, make connections with earlier experiences and ultimately change the way you walk through life as a parent.

Draw Four: Pause, Model, Reflect, Refract

noreply@blogger.com (Elizabeth Elizardi) — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 22:17:00 +0000

The other day I sat down with my oldest daughter Scarlett and watched as she played a game of UNO with three other children at camp. She had never played the game before (we like to play Old Maid and Go Fish), so she was unaware of the rules. I took a passive role allowing the others to teach Scarlett firsthand. They played a couple of rounds and Scarlett caught on. It was Lily's turn, the little girl to Scarlett's left, the color was yellow, the number two. Lily got very quiet. She muttered under her breath, "I don't have anything", her words laced with dishonesty. I said "Are you sure, Lily?" She leaned over to me and whispered, "Well, I have this card but it means Scarlett would have to draw four and I don't want to do that to her." I said, "That's very considerate of you Lily. It's a fair card. Use it." Lily reluctantly played the card and Scarlett willingly drew four cards from the deck.

As I observed the interactions between these children playing a favorite childhood game, I was initially struck by Lily's care and concern for Scarlett. What made her hesitate and think about how her actions would make someone feel? Where did she learn to consider making a different choice based on how it impacted another's feelings? Lily could have very easily revealed her card and laughed mockingly to show that she had forced Scarlett to draw more cards. Instead, she was compassionate and empathic. She chose compassion over aggression.

On another level, Lily was not only modeling empathy, but she was also teaching Scarlett the rules of the game. Social norms and rules are formed by society at large, but they are also constructed by the people who raise us into adulthood, our parents. So I ask, when you are holding up the choices you make as a parent like a deck of cards in your hand, how do you play the game and what are the rules that you teach your child?

My thoughts immediately shifted to a news story I heard earlier in the week about another teen suicide caused by bullying. Despite the media attention, I have yet to see a story about the parents of the bullies. As I watch news footage describing how some of these bullies have been arrested for their behavior, I naturally ask the question about the adults in their lives. What about them? At what point should parents be held responsible for their child's destructive, hurtful and sometimes fatal choices? Is there even a connection between bullying behavior and parenting? Yes. A researcher from the University of Cincinnati, Elizabeth Sweeney, has studied the family connections in the origins of young bullies. Sweeney reviewed research from England, Germany, Norway, Japan, South Africa and the United States. In children ages nine to sixteen, she discovered that children raised by authoritarian parents, parents who attempt to shape, control their children and those who are demanding, directive and value obedience as a virtue, are most prone to act out bullying behavior.

Sweeney's research is validated in studies conducted by Diana Baumrind, a psychologist and professor at the University of California, Berkeley. After studying one hundred preschool-age children, Baumrind concluded that authoritarian parenting styles lead to children who are obedient and proficient, but they rank lower in happiness, social competence and self-esteem. In all, Baumrind researched three parenting styles: permissive, authoritarian and authoritative. The style with the greatest positive effect on child development was authoritative, where children are typically happy, capable and successful. The authoritative parent establishes rules and guidelines for her child to follow, while also being democratic. These parents are responsive, attentive and willing to listen to their children. Instead of punishing children for not meeting expectations, the authoritative parent is nurturing and forgiving. They are assertive, but not intrusive and restrictive. I equate the authoritative parent to a good coach who sets standards and expectations for his/her athletes. A coach doesn't ask his team whether or not they want to run five miles or do practice drills. The expectation is clear. The coach is there to support them in meeting the standards.

Aside from parenting styles, our brains are hardwired to imitate and mirror behavior we see. The same brain region that controls action also supports perception. Observing a behavior occurs in the same region as acting upon it, therefore, our modeling as parents has a dramatic effect on our children's social competence. Children's attitudes and beliefs toward others are shaped by the adults that care for them from birth. Ruby Bridges, the civil rights icon who is now a personal friend, states that in order to rid the world of racism and discrimination, adults must model tolerance for children. Following this advice, one way to circumvent the onslaught of bullying and aggressive behavior in and between children may be to reflect compassionate, tolerant behavior in our adult world.

UNO may seem like a simple game between children, but when looked at through the lens of parenting, there are many lessons to learn. The Draw Four Card of parenting directs us to
1. Pause

2. Model the behavior you want your children to demonstrate

3. Reflect that behavior in your adult relationships

4. Let it refract into the world.

Next time you hold the decks of cards in your hand and it comes time to throw down a draw four, think about your child.

The Emotional Paddle: Bidding for Connection

noreply@blogger.com (Elizabeth Elizardi) — Sat, 20 Nov 2010 15:42:00 +0000

My husband likes silly Youtube videos. You’ve probably seen them; double rainbow, Argentinian Dancing with the Stars, cats bickering. Might I add that he likes to show me these videos at the most imperfect time; while giving the children a bath, getting them out the door in the morning, or while I am running around the house trying to finish up chores. He walks up to me like a kid in the candy store, brimming with excitement. Humor is one of his top strengths and one of the many reasons we fell in love. I have noticed lately that his gesture of humor, to share a video that he finds playful and interesting, is usually met with a sigh, a turning away, or sometimes a snide remark from me like “I don’t have time for this.”

When a couple welcomes a child into their lives, the relationship between husband and wife shifts dramatically. The treasured moments of snuggling on the couch, conversing over dinner, holding hands and embracing each other after a long days work can get buried, like dirty socks, at the bottom of the laundry pile. The everyday moments of connection between spouses are absorbed by moments of feeding, bathing, bed readying and storybook reading. John Gottmann, founder of the Gottman Relationship Institute in Seattle, Washington, has been studying couples in his Love Lab for the last forty years. He has authored various books on marriage and relationships, such as “Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work”. The Sound Relationship House is a theory born out of Gottman’s work with couples and “Turning Toward”, is a foundational step to building a strong marriage, keeping the emotional connection alive between you and your partner. During a recent seminar at the MAPP Summit at the University of Pennsylvania, Julie Gottman, John’s wife, related the concept of turning towards to that of a sea anemone, which opens and closes in reaction to outward stimuli. The more you turn towards your partner, the more you are depositing in the emotional bank account of your relationship, which leads to a relationship house built on solid foundation, not a deck of cards.

When your partner shares an interesting story, remark, or points out something in nature that she finds beautiful, how do you respond? On the other hand, when you share with your partner, how does she respond? And, how likely are you to open up to your partner if she closes up or turns away when you share tidbits or ahem…videos.

Example: You are sitting at the breakfast table with the family and your husband is reading the paper. He comes across an interesting topic and tells you about the article in one sentence or phrase. How do you respond? Turning toward would mean offering a gesture like a nod, simply saying “Wow!” or " I’d like to hear some more about that." Turning away would be ignoring, shifting your focus, or saying “That is really ridiculous.” There are many parallels between the turning toward/turning away principle and the research conducted by Shelly Gable on Active Constructive Responding. How you respond or how you listen to your partner, even when interactions seem trivial, are, little bids for emotional connection.

So, earlier this week, when my husband asked me to watch a YouTube video at the most imperfect time, I acknowledged my interest with a short phrase “Great, I’ll watch it in a minute.” Granted, that minute turned into the next day, when I could give it my full viewing attention. But regardless, I responded, watched the video and the conversation came full circle, prompting a discussion about authenticity and the nature of sexuality in America.

Love is a superordinate heart strength. Cultivate it in your relationships by holding up your emotional paddle, bidding on an emotional connection with your partner, and maybe throwing in a kiss or two for good measure.

That's Great! Now Let's Get in the Car.

noreply@blogger.com (Elizabeth Elizardi) — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 17:22:00 +0000

Traffic stopped momentarily on the hilly road in suburban Maryland when my phone warned me of a new voicemail message. I stared at the numbers from the missed call, noticing the area code 215. Being a Philadelphian, I can quickly recognize and assign numbers to people with this three digit code, but I knew right away that this was the call I had been anticipating. I quickly tapped the keys to retrieve the message and I instantly heard the voices of two strangers. In fact, I didn't even hear their names because my heart was beating so rapidly with excitement. All that I heard was "We are calling to congratulate you on being accepted into the MAPP (Masters of Applied Positive Psychology) program at the University of Pennsylvania this year. We are so excited to meet you." Tears were running down my face and I had the overwhelming urge to pull over on the side of the road and shout my news to the whole world. Instead, I feverishly dialed everyone in my immediate family, starting with my husband, to share my good news. I remember my husband's reaction being one of similar elation and joy. I will never forget that moment and the accompanying joy as I told one person after another of my accomplishment.

Sharing good news is easy for some people and more difficult for others. Non-sharers may feel as if they are bragging, boasting or being selfish by sharing the good, while sharers may see good news as a way to relish in an accomplishment or spread a good feeling. Regardless, the way you respond to another's good news may predict the overall well-being of a relationship. According to researcher Shelly Gable, supporting partners when good things happen is as important in building relationships as supporting them when bad things happen. Gable's research supports the need for Active Constructive Responding (ACR), or capitalization, in relationships and defines this as the ability to respond with enthusiasm, support and interest. Think of this in the context of sharing news with a friend. Scenario: You call a close friend to tell her news of your engagement, promotion, pregnancy, or financial windfall. How does she react? Your friend may retort "That is incredible news! You must be so happy! Tell me about what happened when you got the call?" This friend asks questions that enable you to relive the moment and she genuinly shares in your joy. Other typical responses Gable highlights include:

Passive Constructive: Shifting to another topic. Great news! Did you see Oprah today?"
Active Destructive: Deflating. "Are you really ready to have a baby?"
Passive Destructive: Ignoring. "Let me tell you about my day."

When you think about this scenario, I bet you can pinpoint those friends who are better ACRers than others. Aren't those the friends you want to share news with the next time? Read more here about ACR: http://health.usnews.com/health-news/family-health/brain-and-behavior/articles/2009/06/24/using-positive-psychology-in-your-relationships.html

Now think about ACR in relation to your child(ren). As parents, we often go through the day reacting and responding to problems; spilled juice, dirty diapers, laundry piles, or arguments between siblings. I wonder if the same findings from Gable's research applies to parent-child relationships. The more constructive we are in responding to the good news in our children's lives, the more supportive the relationship will be in bad times. This morning for instance, my daughter caught me as we were walking out the door, asking if I had seen the little blue card that was in her backpack. I had, in fact, seen it, and inconspicuously placed it on the kitchen counter the night before. I stopped for a minute and walked over with her to retrieve the card. It was a certificate of achievement from the kindergarten teacher for her successful completion of writing uppercase letters. I stole a minute from my hectic morning to show my interest in her certificate, what she did to earn it, and hear her enthusiasm for being part of the "capital letter club". Aside from the ACR response above , other typical reactions could have included "Great job!", "Well, what about your lower case letters?" or "That's great. Now let's get in the car." Generally, an ACR response to good news is riddled with open-ended questions like "Tell me more!", "What was it like?", "What was going through your mind?" You relive the experience with the person sharing the news.

When I picked up the phone to dial family and friends during the morning of my momentous drive to work, I called those who enhanced my experience and feelings of positivity through their enthusiasm, support and interest. Share a moment of ACR with your children, spouse or close friend and answer the yes to the question "will you be there for me when things go right?"

Formula for Parental Happiness

noreply@blogger.com (Elizabeth Elizardi) — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 16:17:00 +0000

Recently I attended a training in Baton Rouge, Louisiana on the Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) developed by Dr. Matt Sanders and colleagues at the University of Queensland, Australia. The overarching goal of Triple P is to "reduce the prevalence of behavioral and emotional problems in children by enhancing the competence and confidence of parents at a population level". This asset-based program incorporates five principles of positive parenting: Safe and engaging environments, Responsive Learning Environments, Assertive Discipline, Reasonable Expectations, and Parental Self Care. Because I now look at life through the lens of Positive Psychology, I couldn't help but see several tie-ins to self efficacy, self-determination, the ABC model, explanatory styles, self regulation, thinking traps and icebergs. For those not well-versed in the Positive Psychology lexicon, in the coming weeks I will be taking each of the aforementioned topics and writing a separate blog to explain each concept or theory. Stay tuned...

For me, the most obvious connection between Triple P and Positive Psychology is the notion of a formula for happiness. In Authentic Happiness, Martin Seligman outlines his theory that 50% of an individual's level of happiness is attributed to heritable or genetic programming (pessimistic or optimistic explanatory styles), 40% to life circumstances and 10% to intentional activities. This formula is promising for those of us who feel that happiness is a choice. By changing one's circumstances or engaging in intentional activities, one can alter his/her overall level of happiness. Despite variations in levels of happiness, there is a set point to which all people return, which is largely due to a tendency to adapt to life's highs and lows. But focusing on getting more pleasure out of life, becoming more engaged in what you do and finding ways of making your life feel more meaningful will alter your set range of happiness. Read More (http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1015832-3,00.html#ixzz10kEhR0Fm)

The same happiness formula applies to parenting and is explicitly demonstrated in the Triple P curriculum. A parent's genetic programming, such as temperament or explanatory style, heavily influences parenting skills. For instance, a parent with a pessimistic explanatory style, may think that the temper tantrum his/her child is displaying happens "all the time", "it will never end", or "my child is bad" , thinking in terms of a behavior being permanent and universal or "not me, always and everything". An optimistic parent may view the same episode as temporary and specific "it was only this one time", "she was tired", "it will be over soon." And what role do life circumstances play into parenting? Think about a parent undergoing unemployment, depression, marital conflict, poverty or other situations. Life circumstances affect the home environment and are major factors that contribute to behavior in children. When parental circumstances are less than ideal, the environment can be constructed in a negative way for a child. Alternatively, stable life circumstances can produce environments rich in time, attention, conversation, and parental engagement.

The last piece of the parenting happiness formula involved intentional activities. By taking time to get down on the floor to play with your child, talking to them at the dinner table, snuggling with them in bed at night, and stopping chores to see a drawing they have created, you will not only be giving yourself a boost, but your child will reap the rewards tenfold. There are several other activities available to parents to contribute to that 10% part of the happiness equation. Sonya Lyubomirsky and Barbara Fredrickson are two researchers who provides readers with practical and intentional activities to use everyday with your children and you! That fifth principle of Triple P is parental self-care, which in my mind, is the cornerstone of parental well being. When you are on an airplane, the safety demonstration tells you to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting your child. If you are not nourished as a parent, you will have little to nothing to give to your children. As you go through your day today, whether or not you are a parent, remember the formula: Happiness = Genetics + Circumstances + Intentional Activities. You always have a choice.

noreply@blogger.com (Elizabeth Elizardi) — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 15:21:00 +0000

Toddler. The word itself is used to categorize children who have grown out of the infancy stage and are experiencing life between the ages of one and two. Watch a toddler and you will instantly see the sporadic, involuntary, and toddling movements that are associated with these young souls. Their days are spent as a weeble-wobble, walking around gingerly and falling repeatedly as they learn to make sense of their bodies in space. As adults we understand the innocence of this age, the exploration, the curiosity with movement. My four-year-old has a different perspective. Her understanding of the toddler years relies on a sense of fairness.

Recently the Associated Press published an article that highlighted a study conducted on dogs and whether or not these pets possess the ability to sense fairness. A researcher from the University of Vienna tested 29 dogs in varying pairs using the shaking hands technique of having the dogs offer a paw for a treat. The experimenter placed a bowl of sausages on one side and a bowl of brown bread on the other. What the team found was that when one dog received a reward and the other didn't, the unrewarded animal stopped playing. When both animals received a reward they participated with enthusiasm. The dogs level of participation was not effected by whether or not they received a sausage or a piece of bread, but only by the gesture of getting a treat altogether. The full article can be found at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28112599.

A pair of dogs can sense the inequity of a situation when related to a simple system of rewards. Children and even adults are keen at sniffing out these differences with each other, stretching beyond treats, and encompassing everyday interactions. How do parents then establish a sense of fairness between siblings when one is developmentally light years away from the other? How important is it to establish fairness with a toddler who knows no better contentment then swinging her arms from side to side and...whooops..hitting her sister?

In my pursuit of an answer to these questions I discovered the similarities and differences between fairness and justice. The common ground between these two virtues is protecting the rights of others. Fairness means leveling the playing field without favoritism or prejudice, treating each other equally so that everyone receives a share and focusing on what is right for all involved. Justice involves never allowing stronger people to hurt weaker people, continually looking for the truth, making agreements that benefit everyone equally, and being fair in all that we do. Fairness lays the foundation for justice to settle and grow.

As parents we strive to maintain fairness between siblings by offering similar choices, enforcing rules equally and meeting every one's needs. When the field is muddy and torn-up due to factors out of our control, such as age, special needs, illness, etc, then what we really need to practice and give to our children is justice. With justice, we will be protecting every one's rights and helping one another understand and tolerate differences. Justice is the guardian of integrity. Parents are the people who make the shield and empower siblings to treat one another with a sense of justice, even when circumstances appear to be unfair.

So tonight when the toddler meets the behemoth for pre-dinner battle, the field will be uneven, with lots of holes and pitfalls. The purveyor of justice will march in to ensure that each sibling understands how to use gentle hands and hopefully the scales of justice will once again be balanced in our house of virtues.

And a reminder for the day : Bark less. Wag more.

With peace and hope,
Elizabeth

Wonder-Full

noreply@blogger.com (Elizabeth Elizardi) — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 16:14:00 +0000

This past weekend my husband and I experienced a very rare phenomenon. Silence. Being able to finish a hot cup of coffee. Sleeping in until 10:30 on the weekend. Reading The Washington Post and actually finishing an article. These extraordinary events were graciouslly brought to us by two very generous grandparents who wanted to give us a break from parenting for the weekend. Hallelujah! We wallowed in the freedom of a weekend at home without the children. For two weeks prior to the occasion, we contemplated different ways in which we would spend our free time. My internal list of things to accomplish grew on a daily basis. It was filled with many hours crossing off household repairs that have filled our ongoing punch list since we moved to our house three and a half years ago. We figuratively threw the "honey do" list into the dusty old box it has been sitting in for three and a half years and instead decided to spend time together pretending to be the young college kids from thirteen years ago.

Despite the growing number of places we wanted to visit, books we wanted to read or restaurants we wanted to try, one event remained a must-do on our agenda; going to the AFI Theatre in Siver Spring to see Slumdog Millionare. I wasn't too familiar with its plot and I was relying solely on my husband's opinion after he listened to a review of the film on NPR. At 7:30pm on a Saturday night I was delighted to be surrounded by an incredible sound system, a bag of swedish fish, Reese's Pieces and a civilized theatre-going crowd.

I won't give away any major details of the movie, but I will say that an overarching message in Slumdog Millionaire is the phrase: It is written. I interpreted this statemen to mean that a person's destiny in life is written. The question is, are we the authors of our own destiny or is it predetermined by the universe? Can someone believe in a certain destiny and orchestrate her life around fulfilling that vision? Or, are we at the mercy of a universe, higher power, or spirit who has already written our life's story. Do we react to a destiny that has been chosen for us before we came into being? How much are we in control? Although there are many formidable opinions on both sides of this question I am personally reminded of a bumper sticker that I once saw claiming "You plan. God laughs", tauting a similar philosophy that there is an element of one's life that is uncontrollable and left to the powers of the universe.

Embracing the ability to let go and realize that there is a written plan and purpose to one's life is liberating, yet very difficult. The virtue that enables us to accept the wonders of our destiny is discernment. With this gift we listen deeply for the true questions, trusting that the answer will unfold and reveal itself when the time is right. We become alert to the messages that come in subtle and surprising ways. We hold decisions lightly until the truth emerges. Discernment allows one to be reflective and meditative and hold a decision with trust, allowing wonder and intuition to guide us by grace.

Whether you believe that destiny is a controllable or uncontrollable force, you may soon be inundated with holiday cards extending wishes for a wonderful season and new year. I simply ask you: How wonder-full is your life? Do you allow the wonders of the universe and your destiny to lead you to the right path and guide your inner vision? I hope you will open your heart to the possibilities of your written plan, not your honey do or punch list, and allow time for reflection and grace to ignite your spirit with peace and love.

With peace and hope,
Elizabeth

What have you done?

noreply@blogger.com (Elizabeth Elizardi) — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 18:45:00 +0000

What is your favorite holiday song? This was a question posed in a recent forward that I received from a friend at work. I didn't give much thought to my answer, because O Holy Night has always been one of my favorites during the Christmas season. Until two nights ago.

I was sitting in front of the television screen hoping to zone out to any program that I could find on a major network at 8 pm EST. I started watching the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting and being a sucker for live performances, I eagerly watched. I admit that I even stayed tuned for the Jonas brothers and Miley Cyrus. Mid-way through the program, David Cook, winner of American Idol this year, sang a beautiful rendition of "Happy Christmas" by John Lennon. At a time in our country when we have elected the first African-American president and vowed to make change in our country, several lyrics stood out. For those of you who do not know the song:

And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun

The overarching message in the lyrics is that of unity. The virtue of unity calls us to see our commonality without devaluing our differences. Experience connectedness with all people and all life. Unity frees us from the divisiveness of prejudice and heals our fears. It comes when we value every person, in our family or in our world.

In America we watch countries suffer under the demise of disunity and the need for power. The current cholera epidemic in Zimbabwe was caused by the collapse of an economy and health system in a country plagued by fighting and conflict. The war that we are still fighting to win in Iraq was brought upon us by a fundamental disagreement between the Suni and Shiite sects of the Muslim religion.

If we all made an attempt to unite our families and seek unity in all of our relationships, then the world would be a much more peaceful place to live. I look at the phrase in John Lennons's lyrics "and what have we done?" I hope you will seek common ground, appreciate differences, resolve conflict peacefully and honor the value of each individual. Be a unifier.

With peace and hope,
Elizabeth

noreply@blogger.com (Elizabeth Elizardi) — Thu, 04 Dec 2008 16:00:00 +0000

One of the top songs in the country right now featuring T.I. and Rihanna is "Live Your Life." This song is not only a global hit, but also a pretty big hit in my house right now. I admit to downloading the song to my ipod and having dance parties with my girls in the kitchen. I can't help it. I feel a burst of adrenaline every time I hear "Mia-hee, Mia-Haa. Mia Hoo, Mia Ha Ha ". I can't resist the urge to blast it at full volume and shake my tail feather or beat the steering wheel. Besides its catchy opening, two simple sentences in the beginning of the song get me going; "what you need to do is be thankful for the life you got, you know what I'm sayin'. stop lookin' at what you ain't got, start being thankful for what you do got"(T.I.). A rapper's ramblings couldn't be any more genuine or mind-altering. Be thankful! Count your blessings! Have an attitude of gratitude!

Our nation is currently in an economic crisis partly due to the fact that Americans have been trapped in a cycle of wanting more and wanting bigger and better. A bigger house, faster car, or more material possessions. If our attitudes shift towards recognizing the gifts in our lives, then perhaps the need to look further or larger will stop at our own doorsteps. The gift of gratitude forces us to contemplate the bounties of our lives. Being thankful everyday can lead to more contentment and even more blessings coming into our lives in small, subtle ways. Another aspect of being thankful is having the ability to discern the gifts in our tests and trials. If you believe in the philosophy that everything happens for a reason, then look at each situation, whether the outcome is or is not how you had hoped, in a positive light. Be thankful for the gift that emerges in those times of trial.

How often do you express gratitude to your spouse? Expressing positive emotions or validations to one another can sustain your marriage. In the book How Full is Your Bucket by Tom Rath and Donald Clifton (Gallup Press, 2005), the author describes a scenario which has been studied by John Gottman of The Gottman Institute. He suggests that there is a magic ratio of 5:1 in terms of a balance between positive to negative interactions with our partners. In fact, Gottman teamed up with two mathematicians to prove the validity of this ratio. He studied 700 couples who had just received their marriage licenses. For each couple the research team videotaped a fifteen minute conversation between husband and wife and counted the number of positive and negative interactions. Then, based on the 5:1 ratio, they determined whether or not the marriage would be successful. Ten years later they followed up with the participants and looked at their original predictions. They had predicted the divorce rate with 94% accuracy.

The importance of expressing thankfulness at home, work and in the community keeps life celebratory and bountiful. One of the most influential ways to offer thanks to someone is by writing a validation. You can visit www.bucketbook.com and go to the Drop Zone to send electronic drops to someone as a way to acknowledge them for the virtues and actions for which you are grateful.

As a gift to yourself today, find some time to reflect on what you have. A Rihanna song may not be the catalyst for you to begin this journey of gratitude, but maybe a warm house, enjoyable food or a nice glass of wine may start the process.

Peace and Hope,
Elizabeth

Close the Gap

noreply@blogger.com (Elizabeth Elizardi) — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 15:02:00 +0000

I am sitting in a familiar place. The sounds of nature surround me as I sit atop a steep hill cushioned by soft mud, twigs and little rocks. Through the tall pine trees is a ray of light that delicately falls and illuminates the Beaver's pond below. It appears to be an opening to heaven. Soothing music fills the background and I close my eyes to retreat to the silence of my mind. Without actually looking, I can see the eagle soaring high above the trees, offering a new energy, fierce protection and a reassuring mantra that brings peace, harmony and serenity to my soul. Out of the silence I hear a faint cry. Could it be an animal in search of food; a bear running through the woods? Maybe a fellow hiker has been wounded and is crying out for help. I open my eyes to sharpen my senses and follow this painful sound. The scream becomes more intense, more agonizing. As I open my eyes I suddenly find that I am no longer atop the beautiful hill sitting in tranquility and harmony. I am in my own house, walking through the living room, bumping my elbow on the dining room armoire, following the sound to its source. I arrive at the peaceful step where my daughter has been sitting for four minutes. Finally the peak of her temper tantrum begins to subside. What a rude awakening! But, hey, I got to take a break from the chaos.

Chaos is unpredictable. The word itself, as defined by Wikipedia, is derived from the Proto-Indo-Euopean root ghn or ghen meaning "gape, be wide open". Due to people misunderstanding early Christian uses of the word, the meaning of the word changed to "disorder". How does chaos start? Does the gap present itself and we blindly fall in? Chaos may be a gap in time, a gap in space or a wide open energy that is calling us to jump in and meet negativity with more negativity. The wipe open chasm that becomes a chaotic event rears its ugly head in our homes, work, country and global community. Do you become caught in the trap? In an article published in Positive Psychology News Daily (http://pos-psych.com/news/david-j-pollay/200812021258)
David J. Pollay discusses the feelings of waking up happy versus waking up with random, negative thoughts. As he writes "my unattended brain will find some shred of evidence to build its negative case. And the result is that the initial bad memory or random thought captures my attention and then sets the tone for the day." We are all guilty of having those infamous "bad days" , where you think you would have been better off staying in bed instead of enduring through the endless negative circumstances of a day; spilled coffee, traffic, long lines, poor customer service. What if the cause of such chaos and negativity during the day was the result of our own free will choosing to fall into the wide open gap instead of pouring a bucket of antidote at its core?

The antidote that I refer to is serenity. Having an abiding sense of trust and faith that all is well, detaching from strong emotions and arriving at lucidity of thought. Keeping the peace. Not everybody has the self-discipline or self-awareness to invite serenity during those tough moments. Take the guy from Florida who recently attacked his father and mother with a Christmas tree and its metal stand. (http://www.myeyewitnessnews.com/news/local/story.aspx?content_id=6f676323-2163-4377-8c8a-f7b21d11fad9&rss=59).
37 year-old Edward Lackie was arrested and charged with felony assault last week. He attempted to throw the 3 foot Christmas tree at his father, but luckily he missed. His parents subdued him. Being able to stop in the moment, detach, and figuratively travel to a more calming, tranquil place could have been transformative for him.

As a country we all wished and hoped for serenity and peace after the awful terrorist attacks in Mumbai. During this chaotic and tragic event, came a pure example of serenity admist turmoil. Rabbi Gavriel Holtzberg, 29, and his pregant wife Rivka, 28 were two of the Israeli's murdered in the Mumbai attacks. Their two-year old son Moshe, was also at the Chabad House when the attacks occurred. An angel of serenity, his Indian nanny, carried him away and protected him from harm. He is now being hailed as the "Child of all of Israel". Moshe Kotlarsky, a rabbi from New York proclaimed at his parent's memorial " You don't have a mother who will hug you and kiss you, but the community will take care of the boy. You are the child of all of Israel" (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28020013/). Moshe's nanny demonstrates that in the midst of chaos, one can create tranquility and accept tests with grace and trust.

When chaos ensues, how will you respond? Before you start hurling Christmas trees or allowing one negative occurence in the morning set the tone for your day, think about detaching. Go to a special place in your mind. You've already heard about my little slice of heaven, otherwise known as Hawley Lake. Heal the wide gap of chaos with a peaceful and serene soul. Be the calm in the wind.

Peace and hope,
Elizabeth

Purposefulness

noreply@blogger.com (Elizabeth Elizardi) — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 16:54:00 +0000

How often do you take time to ponder your true calling and vision for the future? Have you ever taken time away from the daily hustle and bustle to explore your purpose in the human race? What is your deepest gladness?

Those of us sitting and staring at a computer screen right now may think that these questions are overhwhelming and even impratical when looked at through the lense of needing to support a family, pay the bills or have food on the table. Not to mention the current recession. I can tell you that my deepest gladness ten years ago (moving to New York, becoming entrenched in singing lessons, meeting with agents and taking a stab at my life on the stage) is definitely not my deepest gladness now at thirty-one, happily married with two daughters.

The virtue of purposefulness offers us a gift. Visions change and goals become altered, however the message of bringing purpose to our lives remains constant. It calls us to evaluate our present life circumstances and set clear goals for achieving a vision. With this gift we can dream and be idealistic and think "what if" while being purposeful and creating a plan for implementation. I invite you to discern your true calling today. Write it down and make it concrete. Where do you see yourself professionally? personally? spiritually? What is your plan for the future?

Purposefulness can be applied to the many different roles we carry out each day. My vision as a preschool adminstrator is vastly different than my purpose or vision as a mother. Be mindful and look at each role seperately. You will invite clarity and honor your true intentions as you map out your vision for the future.

For parents, purposefulness calls us to concentrate fully on what we are doing. At times it is a struggle to turn our attention to our children when we can easily slip away and finish an email, sweep the floor or talk on the phone with a friend. Today give yourself and your children the gift of purpose. Get down on the floor with them and make it count...without distraction. We have a limited amount of time to engage our children and raise little moral beings. Your sense of purpose with your own children will in turn cultivate their own strength virtues.

The virtue of purposefulness tells us "Our calling is where our deepest gladness and the world's hunger meet." -Frederick Buechner

May you connect with your deepest gladness today.

Peace and hope,
Elizabeth