Happy Families

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2013-06-18T13:23:00.000+10:00

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Five things every parent should say to their kids as often as possible

2013-02-27T05:30:00.000+11:00

In a recent post I shared five things that every parent should avoid saying to their kids. It left me feeing pretty lousy. It’s one thing to focus on the negative, and we need to go there from time to time. But if we’re going to eliminate the negative it’s nice to know what to replace it with.

So, here are five things we might focus on saying to our children as often as possible.

Thank you

Gratitude is a powerful motivator. It makes our kids feel appreciated. And saying thank you also models manners and gratitude for them to follow. Saying thanks and explaining why you’re saying it can have a powerful impact on a relationship between parent and child.

I’m sorry. I’m still learning, just like you

Parents who act like they’re the finished product who are simply there to impart wisdom to their children leave their children feeling judged and imperfect. But when we acknowledge our mistakes and describe how we are learning to be better people because of those mistakes, our children learn that it’s ok to admit fault and try again. This is a powerful and important lesson for our kids.

I watched how much effort you put in – you seemed to give it all you had

Because parents want their children to succeed, it can be easy to always ask for more, demanding ever increasing levels of performance. The pursuit of perfection will always lead to disappointment. However, when we let our kids know we saw how hard they tried, and let them know we are satisfied while ever they do their best, they’ll be inspired to try – and they won’t feel bad if they fail. Instead, they’ll be open to learning how to do better.

I love you

Every child should hear this every day. But they shouldn’t just hear it. They need to see and experience evidence of it in all of their interactions with us.

As we say more of these beautiful and important things, and fewer of those harmful things, our kids are more likely to grow up feeling secure, confident, happy, and loved.

What do you think?

If we want to have responsible children, they need to be given responsibility. One of the most powerful ways to help them become responsible is to stop telling them what to do, and instead, to ask them what they think they should do. Then we can encourage them (or gently guide them). By asking them what they think, our children also develop a trust in their own opinions, ideas, and instincts.

Are you a snow plow parent?

2013-02-25T07:07:00.001+11:00

Jen (not her real name) was mortified. Her eight year-old daughter, Maddy (also not her real name) had burst through the front door bawling her eyes out after her first day of school. After sobbing on her mum’s shoulder for several minutes, Maddy had finally been able to explain that third grade class allocations had left her in a room without her three best friends. She only had one friend in the new class.

Jen was livid. (I laughed when she told me, until I realised she was serious.) She stormed down the street to her daughter’s school, entered the administration building and demanded her daughter be placed in the same class as her best friends.

A taxonomy of parenting types

In recent years we have experienced an explosion in clever names for various parenting-types. Helicopter parents ‘hover’ over their children, paying close attention to anything and everything that comes into their environment, keeping them safe at all costs. Tiger mums over-parent in a different way, pushing their children to be ‘all that they can be’, driving them harder and harder towards mastery in spite of protestations and developmental norms.

Snow plow parents are another type of (arguably) over-invested parent who believe it is their role to smooth the path for their kids, pushing all of the obstacles out of the way so that they don’t have to endure hardships, bumps, and other difficulties along their ‘path’ of life. It’s another form of ‘taking control’, with an emphasis on making sure we do whatever it takes to be certain our kids have successes without needing to fail.

Is there a problem with that?

All of these parents want the best for their kids, like all parents. The difficulty lies in the way they try to bring ‘the best’ about. In all three cases, the parent appears unwilling to allow the child to experience setback and failure. In fact, the parents seems unwilling to allow the child to do anything at all that they might not do perfectly.

“Can’t make your bed properly? That’s ok… I’ll do it so it’s perfect.

“Struggling with your homework project? Here, let me handle that. I’ll ‘help’.

“Your friends don’t think the phone you’ve got is cool enough? Alright, I’ll get you a touchphone.”

I’m not advocating that we should make our kids suffer. I’m not suggesting we should leave them hanging by a thread and let them figure it all out on their own… but would that be such a bad thing if they were left dangling (figuratively speaking) and had to work out how to hang on or where to land?

Snow plow parenting promotes helplessness in kids

The quicker we push obstacles out of the way, the more our children rely on us to continue to do precisely that. They stop thinking for themselves. They don’t see themselves as people with the capacity to ‘act’. Instead, they feel that life will ‘act on them’, or that we will ‘act for them.’ Neither response to challenge is helpful. Neither response leads to development.

Teaching competence to our children

What are the times you have felt most competent or felt you had achieved something worthwhile? Was it when you were better than everyone? When you were in your element and were surrounded by supportive people? When everything worked out just right and you aced it?

Or did you feel most competent – like you had achieved something great – that time where you felt entirely isolated, where you felt like you barely had a clue how to do it, but you stuck at it. You were tenacious. You dug deep and found some determination to not let that thing beat you, even though you were doing it on your own?

While both feel good, I bet I know which one felt better. It was the one where you didn’t know if you’d get through it… the one where you encountered challenge upon challenge, and setback after setback. You probably failed, made mistakes, had to start over, and maybe even had a little cry in your pillow.

But at the end, after you pushed through it, the feeling of having achieved something hard was yours to savour. It made you stronger, more independent, and left you feeling more capable.

That is what makes for successful kids. Not parents who get all the hard stuff out of the way for them.

What to do about it?

Kids having a hard time with their musical instrument of choice? Son not wanting to keep playing that sport he begged to play? Or not in the right class with their friends at school? Or failing a subject? Or fighting with a best friend?

While we don’t want to torture our children and go all ‘tiger mum’ on them, this is where we have the opportunity to teach them about challenges and failures while they are young.

What can we do about it?

Teach them that anything worthwhile takes effort
Teach them that everyone fails and that’s ok. What matters is what you do next.
Be patient, compassionate, supportive – and firm.
Promote the idea that learning and mastery matter more than results
After they’ve genuinely ‘seen it through’, let them decide.

Is there ever a time that we should remove obstacles from our kids’ path? When have you wanted to, but held back?

How to 'acknowledge' your kids rather than praising them - and why

2013-02-22T09:50:00.002+11:00

Each Friday I'll be sharing a new video with you about parenting. Today is my first go at it... hopefully you'll enjoy it. Any questions? Ask them in the comments below and I'll do my best to answer them promptly.

Taking Marriage for Granted?

2013-02-18T09:46:00.001+11:00

Last Thursday was Valentine’s Day. It’s a day where, traditionally, couples celebrate their love and devotion to one another by doing something romantic – writing special love notes, buying gifts, eating out.

Valentine’s Day is something that I have typically scoffed at. I don’t need a day to re-pledge my love to my wife. I believe that I do that every single day. I do it with every hug, kiss, or touch. I do it with every “I love you” and every “thank you.” , and I especially don’t need that day to be packaged and wrapped deeply in commercialism.

A Fresh Perspective

This year, I’ve had a change of heart.

It was only a small thing, but it dawned on me that, in spite of our regular dates, Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to show that I am not taking my wife for granted. It’s something I never thought I would do. But I think that on some level, and in spite of our deep love and affection for one another, I have come to simply accept and expect that Kylie will be there each morning, and that she will do her ‘jobs’ as I do mine, and that things won’t change.

The realisation of just how easy it becomes to take our spouses for granted hit me when I asked my friends what they were doing for Valentine’s Day. I could categorise the responses into three separate types of response – the annoyed, the apathetic, and the busy:

“I don’t need a commercialised day of public devotion where I’m supposed to spend money or time on my spouse. How pathetic.”

“Pfft. Nothing. He knows I love him. I cook his meals and clean for him. If he wants to do something for Valentine’s Day it’s up to him.”

“We have a meeting, plus I’m organising that thing for Friday, etc etc”

In fact, as I asked around, I didn’t speak to anyone at all who had plans for Valentine’s Day… until I bumped into some newlywed friends of mine who had arranged for a picnic. Something there perhaps? Young love doesn’t take itself for granted?

Celebrating Love

If we don’t celebrate our relationships, invest in them, and make them a priority, they fall apart. They simply have to. For anything to flourish and thrive – or even to simply keep working – we have to service it, maintain it, give it attention. And in no place is this more evident than in our family relationships.

I’ll admit it. Where once Kylie and I used to stand on the balcony and wave to one another as we drove out of the driveway (after kissing like we might never see one another again), nowadays we often fail to even kiss. In fact, oftentimes we are so distracted that we barely look up from the computer or whatever task it is that occupies our attention.

This Valentine’s Day just gone has been a reminder to me that we need to celebrate our love. And we show that best through time and attention.

A prominent psychologist had been married to her husband about a year. Her birthday was approaching and she told him:

“I’m not mercenary, but I like a good present.”

His response was something along the lines of “Isn’t it the thought that counts.” To which she replied

That’s what people say when they don’t want to put thought into it.”

While some might argue that we don’t need Valentine’s Day, with it’s crass commercialism and shallow pronunciations of ‘love’, we do need to celebrate our love. February 14 is a great time to start, but we can and should be finding little things to do every day – literally every day – that demonstrate those same feelings.

How did we celebrate?

A tasty long lunch, a romantic dinner for seven (Kylie and I plus our five kids) in our dining room with the kids, and a promise to kiss and wave goodbye on the balcony whenever one of us leaves.

Kylie and I have been married 15 years next month. We love each other deeply. In spite of our time together, our children, and our commitment and love for one another it’s easy to become complacent in our relationship. But happy families are incompatible with taking one another for granted.

Watching others and changing the way we do things made this Valentine’s Day a great reminder that love needs continued momentum to grow stronger.

What do you think of Valentine’s Day? Did you celebrate, or do you see it as just another one of those triumphs of commercialism over common sense?

How do I deal with an angry child?

2013-02-12T10:00:00.000+11:00

This email came through to me last week:

“Hi Dr Justin

“Would love some tips on helping my 6 yr old unpack his anger.

“We try and encourage him to use his words as much as possible, with a pretty good hit rate. We try to model the same (as much as we can remember to! At the moment we get a lot of stamping off, shouting & screaming (just leave me alone), hitting back (esp if his 4 yr old sister is winding him up!) etc.

“Our current approach is "It's ok to be angry, it's not ok to (hit, scream at mummy etc). If you are feeling angry, take yourself to your room or the bathroom to calm down. Come back when you feel ready.' When he's ready we try and have a chat about what made him so cross & give him some options to try next time if he feels himself getting wound up.

“Any suggestions welcome because it seems to be happening regularly at the moment & I'm finding it a bit exasperating!

My response:

There are few things more exasperating than dealing with an out-of-control, angry child. Staying cool amid temper tantrums, screaming and shouting, foot-stomping, door-slamming uninhibited aggression directed at you is no easy task!

Remain calm – emotions are contagious

I generally agree with what you’re doing to work with your son as he deals with his anger. It’s great that you refrain from being angry. When we get angry at our children’s anger, we simply model anger as an acceptable response to things we don’t like. Remaining calm and in control of our own emotions is an important first step to getting this right.

You may have noticed that when your children are angry, the natural response is to be angry as well. Emotions are contagious. We mirror what we experience from others. Unfortunately our natural responses are often unhelpful. And anger falls into that category… plus, it is addictive. The power that comes from our anger appears to solve our problems (at least in the short term), so we rely on it more. Being calm is the first critical step to helping our children control their anger.

Ask questions to teach

When your son is verbally and physically aggressive, I’d recommend some intervention. It may not always be possible in the heat of the moment. As you would have experienced, children don’t typically respond well to guidance when they are angry. It is often best to wait until things are calm and then have a reasoned discussion about the issue. I always recommend that we ask questions more than we give answers/lectures. By so doing, we can work out what our child understands and then just fill in the gaps. We also encourage them to do the thinking, which encourages internalisation of rules much more effectively than when they do the listening.

Parents are not for hitting

Some limits need to be set immediately. If your son is hitting, he needs to understand what hands are for, and what they are not for. Clearly let him know

“Mummy is not for hitting.”

Other phrases, such as “Hands are for helping and being kind” can be useful to point out what is expected rather than simply emphasising what is disallowed.

Emotions are ok, behaviour is not

You seem to have a fairly good handle on this principle. I might suggest taking it a little further. Once your son is calm, talk about anger. Talk about how it’s normal to feel anger, but it’s not ok to act out in anger. Then, ask him to develop strategies and solutions for working through that anger. See if you can both identify ways that anger can be reduced, and problems can be worked on in appropriate ways.

Remember that anger costs

There are few if any times that anger might be beneficial in any way in our relationships with our children, our spouse, our parents, our colleagues... in fact, when we consider how anger plays out, it seems to be the perfect description of 'wholly unhelpful' in any context.

Responding to our children’s anger can be one of our greatest parenting challenges. It is tempting to show them who’s boss, to put them in their place, to chastise them for their ingratitude and lack of emotional regulation, and to generally dress them down and tell them to shape up.

However our patient responses, examples of kindness, and continued gentle guidance will do far more to help our children learn to regulate their anger than our angry responses. Being calm, working through emotions via careful, sensitive questions and discussion, and clear, firm limit-setting are the best antidotes to anger.

Bringing Back the ZING: Recreating Marital Satisfaction

2013-02-07T14:54:00.001+11:00

This summary of a research project undertaken by marriage research scholars indicates that 21 minutes per year in one simple writing activity can bring back the lost ZING you might have had in your marriage, but now can't find.

Click here for the link to the research.

Here's the summary (and thanks to Wayne Jencke for the link):

21 minutes to marital satisfaction

Study shows how minimal intervention can preserve marital quality over time

EVANSTON, Ill. --- Marital satisfaction -- so critical to health and happiness – generally declines over time. A brief writing intervention that helps spouses adopt a more objective outlook on marital conflict could be the answer.

New Northwestern University research shows that this writing intervention, implemented through just three, seven-minute writing exercises administered online, prevents couples from losing that loving feeling.

"I don't want it to sound like magic, but you can get pretty impressive results with minimal intervention," said Eli Finkel, lead author of the study and professor of psychology at Northwestern.

The study involved 120 couples, half assigned the reappraisal intervention and the other not. Every four months for two years all spouses reported their relationship satisfaction, love, intimacy, trust, passion and commitment. They also provided a fact-based summary of the most significant disagreement they had experienced with their spouse in the preceding four months.

The reappraisal writing task asked participants to think about their most recent disagreement with their partner from the perspective of a neutral third party who wants the best for all involved.

Replicating prior research, both groups exhibited declines in marital quality over Year 1. But for the spouses who experienced the reappraisal intervention -- who completed the writing exercise three times during Year 2 -- the decline in marital satisfaction was entirely eliminated. Although couples in the two conditions fought just as frequently about equally severe topics, the intervention couples were less distressed by these fights, which helped them sustain marital satisfaction.

"Not only did this effect emerge for marital satisfaction, it also emerged for other relationship processes -- like passion and sexual desire -- that are especially vulnerable to the ravages of time," Finkel said. "And this isn't a dating sample. These effects emerged whether people were married for one month, 50 years or anywhere in between."

This finding may be especially important given that low marital quality can have serious health implications, according to Finkel.

Finkel cites data that among coronary artery bypass patients, those who experienced high marital satisfaction shortly after the surgery were three times more likely to be alive 15 years later than those who experienced low marital satisfaction.

"Marriage tends to be healthy for people, but the quality of the marriage is much more important than its mere existence," Finkel said. "Having a high-quality marriage is one of the strongest predictors of happiness and health. From that perspective, participating in a seven-minute writing exercise three times a year has to be one of the best investments married people can make."

###

"A Brief Intervention to Promote Conflict Reappraisal Preserves Marital Quality Over Time" will be published in Psychological Science later this year. In addition to Finkel, co-authors include Erica B. Slotter of Villanova University; Laura B. Luchies of Redeemer University College; and Gregory M. Walton and James J. Gross of Stanford University.

Emotion Coaching Can Tame Your Child’s Negative Emotions

2013-02-05T11:13:00.001+11:00

Source: www.timcoulson.com

What do you do when your child has an outburst? Whether it’s anger and aggression, frustration, or even disgust? Sometimes, rather than having an outburst it may be sadness and despondency. Other times it could be anxiety and nerves.

John Gottman, author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child states that parents typically go for one of four reactions to their children’s (and even other adults’) negative emotions.

1. Disapproval

Our most common response to negative emotion is disapproval. This occurs when we become annoyed with our child and make aggressive statements like,

“Cut it out. Stop behaving like that. Grow up and act your age.”

Disapproval is associated with parents judging their children negatively for feeling a certain way. There is a feeling in such parents that negative emotions need to be controlled and put away – they don’t serve a productive purpose. In fact, negative emotions are a nuisance – an inconvenience, disrupting our otherwise well-ordered life.

Outcomes: Kids whose parents disapprove of their negative emotions learn that their feelings are wrong. They feel that something must be wrong with them if they feel they way they do. Over time, such children struggle to regulate their emotions, ironically, because they’re consistently being told to do so and they’re not doing a good enough job.

2. Dismissal

The next most common response to negative emotion is dismissal. While not quite as negative as disapproval, dismissal is exemplified by statements such as

“You’ll be right. Would you just get over it? It’s not that big a deal.”
Perhaps more insidious, parents often tell their children to ‘look on the bright side of life, see the silver lining, and focus on the positive.’ While well-intentioned, this response is just as dismissing as the shrug of the shoulders and the ‘get over it’ attitude mentioned first. While it is couched in having a positive attitude, the child’s emotions are still being dismissed.

Outcomes: Children whose parents dismiss their emotions feel invalidated. They may wonder why their emotions are always wrong, and have similar difficulties as those whose parents are disapproving.

3. Laissez-Faire

Some parents tend to swing to the other side of the spectrum, and rather than responding to their child’s emotions, they essentially roll with it in a laissez-faire kind of way. That is, they accept that their child is having an emotion. They sit with them and say,

“Oh, it feels awful doesn’t it.”

And they simply wait til the emotion has moved on.

Outcomes: Research indicates that such a response has a negative impact on kids’ ability to regulate their emotions. They can also have difficulties socially because of this emotion-regulation challenge.

4. Emotion Coaching

Emotion Coaching parents respond to their children’s negative emotions in a patient, teaching way. Importantly, they are ok with their child feeling negative, and see their child’s frustrations, sadness, or anger as an opportunity for becoming closer. When a child is upset, parents like this respond by

being aware of what our child is feeling – even when it’s subtle,
recognising an opportunity to connect and teach
offering empathy and compassion – while not necessarily condoning behaviour or attitudes that are out of line,
labeling emotions,
working with their children on setting limits around emotions (and around the issues that may have caused the emotions.

Outcomes: Children who have emotion-coaching parents recognise their emotions and become comfortable with them. As such, they regulate them better than other children. This allows them to think more clearly when stressed, develop strategies and solutions to difficulties, and work more effectively with other people. They do better in school, relationships, and wellbeing.

Which parent are you?

Most of us are a bit of all of these parents, depending on the day and time, our availability, and just how needy the kids are at that particular moment. However, we typically fall into one category in a pervasive way. And it is the pervasiveness that matters.

Our children’s negativity does not have to threaten us. And it doesn’t need ‘fixing.’ By taking a coaching mindset to our children’s challenges, we move from being the know-it-all sage who undermines their thinking and learning, to being a kind guide who models empathy, understanding, and emotional attunement. And this approach does all of the fixing by helping our children discover answers within themselves.

For more on how we can work with our children’s negative emotions, you can buy my book, “What Your Child Needs From You: Creating a Connected Family”, by clicking here.

The Best Parenting Advice That We Rarely Ever Follow

2013-01-31T09:40:00.001+11:00

Source: www.timcoulson.com

I spend a lot of time giving advice about parenting. And there’s good reason for that – I have a PhD in psychology, I’ve written a book about parenting, and my income is derived from the quality of the parenting advice I give.

But every now and again I hear some advice that I think is invaluable. The last time this happened, the advice came from an 83 year-old woman who only went to school until she was 12 years old. That lady was my grandmother.

We had been visiting Nan for about thirty minutes. We talked about our memories – mainly our times together as a family. We talked about her belief that she won’t be with us much longer. Nan’s life is slowly drawing to a close.

Nan had been watching Kylie and I with our five kids. She saw that we adore them. And she saw that we worry about them, we stress about them, we get frustrated at our own inability to always be great parents for them.

As we prepared to leave, Nan looked at me and told me she had some advice to give me about the kids. I steeled myself. As the one who gives the advice, it can be hard to take it sometimes. And some of that ‘old-school’ advice can really grate. I was expecting Nan to tell me not to spoil them too much, or perhaps she might give me a reminder that ‘a good beltin’ never did any real harm.’ I’ve heard those lines more than once.

Instead, Nan simply said,

“Enjoy them. They’re so beautiful, and they grow up so fast. Just enjoy them.”

In some ways, the advice is trite. Enjoy the journey. Time flies. All that stuff. Blah, blah, blah.

But as I have reflected on that advice I have realised just how hard it is to do – to really, truly enjoy them.

It’s almost impossible to really enjoy it. There’s too much going on. Work, dinner, cleaning, commitments, extra-curricular activities, and more.

Taking the time to savour the moments we have with them – to really enjoy our kids – is something that can only happen when we really, truly pay attention. It happens when we focus less on the doing and more on simply being.

"Enjoy them."

It’s hard-won wisdom from someone who is preparing to say goodbye, and who has watched her own children, and now her grandchildren experience the amazing experience of raising a family… and what wonderful, meaningful, sage wisdom it is.

What's the best parenting advice you've ever heard? And do you find it easy, or hard, to implement it?

If you could go back, would you still have kids?

2013-01-25T14:26:00.001+11:00

Source: Tim Coulson

One of the most striking and counter-intuitive findings from psychology and sociology studies in the past thirty years is that having children does not make us happy. Of course, this doesn’t mean that if you have a child you will be miserable. Millions of us can attest to the fact that children can and do bring joy to our lives.

But, based on averages, study after study has indicated, quite clearly, that there is a meaningful difference in happiness between people with children and those without – and the childless among us are happier.

What do the researchers actually say?

This recent news article reports on more data indicating that parents are less happy than non-parents. One of the researchers stated:

"I'm absolutely confident in saying that across these large data sets, parents do not enjoy better mental and physical health than non-parents. In fact, the evidence clearly points in the opposite direction: Parents report lower levels of happiness, higher levels of depressive symptoms and assess their physical health as poorer than persons who never had children.

"The stress of parenthood is enormous. Parents do not do better than non-parents. Parents do worse."

It’s all pretty bleak isn’t it.

Does parenting really suck that much?

As with most questions, it’s a little more complicated than this general quote suggests. Research indicates that happiness differs for different groups of parents.

Dads seem to be happier than mums. Dads are also generally happier than people without kids. Mums are generally about as happy as people without kids, but they’re not quite as happy as dads. But single mums and young mums appear to drag the average down considerably. These two groups of parents are, on average, much less happy than dads, mums who are partnered, and people without kids. So when samples of parents have single mums and young mums in them, they bring down the overall average happiness of the whole group. It ends up well under the happiness of non-parents.

I believe that there are a few reasons (fairly obvious, perhaps), that this might be:

Lets start by dealing with the young mums and single mums who are least happy:

Mums in these two groups are often sacrificing everything to care for children, and are doing so with fewer financial resources and less social support. And if they’re not sacrificing everything, they’re trying to do everything! Life is exhausting, stressful, and less stable in these conditions.

It’s no wonder these two groups report being comparatively unhappy on average.
When relationships are intact, there are some reasons mums might still be less happy than dads (and roughly as happy as non-parents):

Some fathers are simply unsupportive. They don’t collaborate with their wives. They say how it is and that’s it.
Some fathers are never home. They’re always working or pursuing their own interests.
Mums often lose touch with their own interests. The demands of running a household, chasing kids, doing the extra-curricular activities things, and often working at least part-time as well can crowd out the ‘nice things’.
Mums have more pressure (self-imposed and from society) to be great mums. This pressure makes parenting less, rather than more, enjoyable.

With that data (and those assumptions) in mind, let’s imagine someone asked you to have kids. What would you say?

“Go for it”

“You’re crazy! Why would you ruin a perfectly good life with that?”

Or something in between?

The correct answer is probably, ‘It depends.” If you are doing it alone or feeling unsupported, or are very young, chances are that kids will only make things tougher. Of course, circumstances can change, and what was once great may not be so nice any more. And this is still based on averages. Someone will always come along and show that the research doesn’t apply to them.

But if you have good support, a stable income, and a bit of ‘margin’ built into your life to give you space when you need it, then chances are that kids will make you happy. Not all the time, but

So should people simply stop having children if they want to be happy?

Why Having Children is Hard

2013-01-19T10:19:00.001+11:00

To start running my “Happy Families” business with momentum for 2013, my thoughtful wife suggested that she should take our five children on a four-day holiday while I stayed home and got on with work. It would ‘free me up’ to get through my mountainous list of business-building priorities, and reduce the interruptions that are so frequent with five children home during summer school holidays. I wanted to go with them, but realised it was probably a good suggestion.

I admit it. The past four days have been bliss. I have worked uninterrupted for hour after hour. I’ve started early. I’ve worked well past dinner. I’ve had all the time I needed to think, plan, converse, skype, counsel, have meetings, develop proposals and programs, and much more.

But the peace and quiet triggered some other thoughts too. I’ve realised that having children – especially young children – is much harder than not having them. Life is actually incredibly simple and easy without kids. Here are just a few reasons why having young kids is so tough:

They need someone to get them out of bed
They need someone to help them dress
They need someone to help them have breakfast, and help brush teeth, do hair, tidy bedrooms, and… well, pretty much everything
They don’t amuse themselves for long. In fact, the younger they are, the more attention they demand… constantly
It means that if you want to go somewhere you have to give yourself at least an extra five to ten minutes to deal with their arguing about not wanting to go, grab anything they might need while you’re out for four minutes to get some milk and bread, actually get them in the car, fight with the seatbelt, and finally get moving.
It generally takes twice as long to do anything, and once it’s done, they undo it in five seconds
It requires never-ending vigilance, so your concentration on the task you want to focus on is always diluted
Personal needs are always secondary
It requires moment-to-moment teaching of social skills, language skills, manners, hygiene, tidiness, safety, and creativity. And that is just the information we volunteer to teach them. They also ask, endlessly, why this or that happens, and how.

Since the family has been gone, I’ve gotten a great deal of work done. With a list like that, it’s probably no surprise. However, they return home to me this afternoon, and I’m dying for them to be here. I don’t really miss the interruptions and the challenges – they make life much tougher than it would otherwise be. But they also make it more delightful than words can express. Here are just a few reasons why having children is a joy:

The hugs – there’s nothing like the purity of a young child’s hug
The smiles. Seeing my children happy fills me with a glow that lasts all day (or until they’re no longer smiling, but fighting instead)
Watching their independence develop
Hearing their laughter as they play together
Answering their questions and feeding their curiosity
Working with them as they create pictures, or cakes, or a castle in the living room with blankets and boxes
Tucking them in at night, reading their stories to them, and talking about the best parts of their day
Hearing their plans about growing up and owning horses, puppies, or farms
They give life meaning and purpose that can’t be created with anything else

But for me, the number one reason having children is a joy is the sense of belonging together that we feel as a family.

Research has consistently shown that our wellbeing seems to diminish with children. In many ways that makes sense. It’s tough when they’re around. But research also tells us that life is profoundly meaningful because of our children. And that meaningfulness they bring to us makes every one of those challenges and all of that hard work more than worthwhile.

Travel safe, family. I can’t wait for you to come home.

Over-parenting: Getting the balance right

2013-01-11T03:00:00.000+11:00

Source: Time Magazine

A recent news article (one of many) described how college student, Aubrey Ireland, took her ‘helicopter parents’ to court and successfully obtained a restraining order against them because of their consistent over-parenting. From snooping through her computer history to showing up unannounced at her college dorm and making accusations about how she lived her life , these parents were judged to be way over the top.

Other parents get too involved in their children’s sports contests, easter egg hunts, and school activities. One parent I know refuses to allow her 16 year-old son to visit the local shopping centre on his own, get a job, or ride his bike more than about 2kms from home! He’s 16 for goodness sake! In two years he’ll be an adult.

I even heard of a four year-old child being squeezed into the baby swing at the local park, and instead of ‘swinging’, his mother walked him backwards and forwards, holding the swing the entire time.
So when do we go from being concerned parents to being intrusive, overbearing, over-involved parents, causing our children anxiety because of our over-protective tendencies?

Parental motivations

Our children are born needy. They need us to touch them, respond to them, guide them, and provide for them. For the most part, the majority of concerned parents relish the opportunity to satisfy these needs. And that’s a good thing.

Additionally, parenting experts consistently remind us that inadequate care of our children can be associated with psychological and physiological challenges. Kids with parents who aren’t ‘there’ are more likely to have ADHD, depression, or act out. They’re more likely to drink or use drugs or be promiscuous (and at younger ages too). And so we invest our time and money in our children.
But more than that, we invest our hearts.

A protected life or a whole life

As our children grow, their independence naturally develops too, and we begin to be conflicted. We want them to experience life and spread their wings – but when we’re ready rather than when they’re ready. We want to help them avoid the bumps and scratches that life dishes up (literally and metaphorically). We want to save them from disappointment and sadness, fear, and anger. We try to protect them from loneliness and failure. And we forget that a whole life requires that our kids experience a wide range of emotion and experience – not just the ‘good’ stuff.

This suggests that most parents have the very best of intentions. We simply get caught up on keeping our kids safe, making sure they don’t miss out, and trying to ensure their successes. But just as under-parenting can have negative outcomes, so too can over-parenting. Our kids can become ‘entitled’, develop an inflated sense of self, become overly ‘precious’, and fail to develop independence.

Where should we act like helicopter parents

Within reason, we should stick close to our children and watch them closely when:

we’re in a public, crowded place
we’re at the beach, at a pool, or near water
we’re anywhere that physical danger may be present

We should gauge our level of involvement on our children’s age and competence. Obviously young children require our presence and observation much more than our older children.

Where we get into trouble

Because we care so much about our children and their development and success, we often get involved (or over-involved) and cross boundaries we shouldn’t. This is particularly so when we want to see them succeed at something we feel is important or we want them to demonstrate their ability and competence at something, whether it’s social skills, sports, academics, arts, or something else..

We can hover too much when:

it’s playtime
it’s sports time
they’re learning
they’re eating
they’re creating
they’re playing with friends

And like the parents of the college student in the story I mentioned at the start of this post, we can also cross the ‘helicopter parenting boundary’ when we:

observe our children, not to guide them but to ‘catch’ them
are not trying to understand them, but to accuse them.

Getting the balancing act right

Science can tell us a great deal about what kids need, and how parents should behave. But what we should do can be nearly impossible when we care so much and have a sense that so much is at stake in the way we raise our children.

Free-range parenting and helicopter parenting are extremes when they are our pervasive parenting styles. Balanced parents will typically find themselves somewhere between the two poles depending on context (the age of their child, the child’s maturity, the child’s previous experience and responsibility, etc).

One thing is certain though. We need to be in our children’s lives. And they really do want us to be in their lives. If we can offer support and guidance and then be confident enough to step back and watch our children succeed or fail, and then be there to congratulate them or encourage them as they pick up the pieces, then the kids (and us) will more than likely be ok.

Is humiliation an effective way to discipline your kids?

2013-01-09T14:06:00.001+11:00

Public humiliation as a disciplinary strategy is not new. A few years ago a Townsville mother forced her son to wear a sign saying “Do not trust me. I am a thief” while he sat in the centre of town. And a quick google search provides millions of hits exposing parents who think it’s a great idea to make their children a public example of wrongdoing so that they can ‘teach them a lesson’.

Now parents are turning to social media in the name of ‘discipline’. And, in keeping with social media standard protocol other parents are both praising and ripping on those parents for their creativity in disciplinary strategy. For example, a father recently posted a photo to photo-sharing site, Reddit, showing his three year-old (yes, 3!) wearing a sign around her neck admitting that she pooped in the shower. Then there was the couple who hijacked their daughter’s facebook page and posted embarrassing photos of themselves in a bid to make their daughter look silly. Plus, don’t forget the father who blasted his daughter’s laptop with a shotgun and posted in on facebook.

At a superficial level, some of these might (and I emphasise the ‘might’ part of this sentence) be considered funny. But taking even a moment to contemplate the ramifications of publicly humiliating our children exposes the violation of trust that it really is.

Is Public Humiliation Effective Discipline?

Discipline is about teaching our children good ways to act.

Research indicates that children whose parents use humiliation and shame as ‘teaching’ tools are more likely to use similar strategies with other children. So when parents launch viral online social media attacks on their children, what is being taught? Are kids learning good ways to act? Are they seeing their embarrassing photos, videos, text messages, and signs online and thinking,

Gee Mum, thanks for persuading me that I need to behave more appropriately or things could get embarrassing for me.

Of course not. Instead, kids learn that the big person has the power to make me do anything. So might is right.

Public humiliation and shame do not teach anything that we want our children to learn, so why do we do it?

Humiliation and Shame Have Serious Consequences

A lot of parents will claim,

Hey, it works. There’s no harm in it. It’s even a bit funny. And I get a result. The kid stops doing it.

But there is harm. Here’s why:

In an online world, content is forever. An image can be copied and go viral in minutes, whether globally or just within your child’s circle of friends. Significant damage can be done to a reputation with just a couple of clicks. The ramifications are significant and can last a lifetime.
For a child to grow up healthy and happy, they need to trust their parents. Trust is the foundation of psychological security. To shame and publicly humiliate (or even privately humiliate) a child is a gross breach of trust and undeniably undermines the relationship you share with your child.
Psychological effects of shame and humiliation include a decreased level of self-esteem and sense of worthiness, diminished self-efficacy (the belief that a person is competent and can do things), and can even lead to depression, anxiety, and elevated stress.

So what should I do instead?

The real problem with using shame and humiliation as disciplinary techniques is that only two things are really taught, and both are damaging. Those two things are that the child is unworthy, and that the person with the power is always right.

Shame and humiliation are tools of power-based parenting. The emphasis here is on making things happen to the child in the hope that those things (which are external to the child) will make the child change.

Research tells us, pretty clearly, that power-based parenting doesn’t work particularly well beyond the immediate context.

Instead, parents and children will both do better if they adopt a team-based approach where they work together on a problem. The parents should consider the development of the child and whether their expectations are appropriate. And then they can discuss, together with their child, what the limits to behaviour should be and why.

I often recommend to parents that they imagine their child were an adult guest in their home. How would they deal with the issue then?

***

Ultimately children still need limits, and they need parents to enforce those limits. But the way that we, as parents do that ‘enforcing’ makes all the difference. Humiliation and shaming are tactics that bullies use. They are built on intimidation and fear. Children not only deserve better, but they require better so that they can thrive and flourish.

When is Parental Control an Invasion of Privacy?

2013-01-03T12:55:00.000+11:00

A mum-blogger from the USA has become the first viral sensation of 2013 after giving her son an i-phone for Christmas – with strings attached. This news article highlights 18 conditions Gregory’s mum placed on her son as a condition of receiving the Christmas gift, including:

Giving mum the password
Always answering calls from mum or dad
Returning the phone to mum or dad at 7.30 each evening
Recognising that mum actually owns the phone and pays the contract
Ensuring no ‘private parts’ are photographed, received, or sent.

and many more.

Yesterday I was interviewed on 3AW Melbourne and the interviewer asked me if it was an ‘invasion of privacy’ that a mum would require this of her son. The interviewer suggested that the measures were ‘draconian.’ The interviewer said that surely when a gift is given, it should be unconditional.

What a load of rubbish!

Here’s what the research tells us

Kids whose parents set limits with their kids, AND who are warm and loving towards them do better in life by pretty much any and every measure. If you’re warm and loving but don’t set limits, there’ll almost certainly be problems. Likewise, kids whose parents are hard-core on setting limits but lack warmth don’t do so well either. The parenting style most strongly associated with positive outcomes for kids is the one where limits and warmth are both present.

Is the letter ok or not?
This mum’s letter is bang on. She’s fun, she’s warm, she’s excited for her son to enjoy his new phone. She’s looking forward to being able to text him and be in touch with him as he increases his independence. So that ticks the ‘warmth’ box.

Next, the letter identifies 18 issues that a parent should be concerned about in terms of a 13 year-olds use of a mobile phone. That’s what limit setting is all about. The letter is clear. It leaves no question as to what expectations are.

Is it going too far?
Parents are responsible for rearing their children, keeping them safe, and teaching them right from wrong. Limits should – no, limits MUST be set. They should be age appropriate. They should change as children get older. But as far as I can see, there is nothing draconian here. Nor is it an invasion of privacy. Parents need to know what is going on in their children’s lives, what is influencing them, and what they are being exposed to. They then need to work with their children to guide them with appropriate limits, just like this mum.

It could still be better
The young man’s response, when quizzed about his mum’s ‘conditional gift’ on national US television, was what we might expect from a typical early-teenaged boy. He didn’t like it, thought it was over the top, and was kind of embarrassed by it. Here’s where I think this mum might have improved what she had done to reduce his resistance to her guidelines:

Greg’s mum might have made this an even better idea by having a discussion with him about the conditions to be agreed upon rather than using the top-down dictatorial approach she went with. By having an ongoing discussion they can understand one another and the reasons why certain conditions need to be agreed to. This increases the likelihood that Greg will willingly agree to and go along with the relevant conditions. In fact, Greg might even develop some of the rules and conditions himself rather than having his mum tell him how it has to be.

Summary
With the exception of an initial (and then ongoing) discussions between parent and child, this mum-blogger has nailed what it is to set appropriate limits in a warm and effective way with her children.

Too many parents make the mistake of giving their children unrestricted access to mobile phones, computers and the internet, the x-box, the car (!), and any number of other privileges without any limits or even discussion. Alternatively, some flimsy agreements might be made but parents don’t keep their kids accountable because there is just so much to stay on top of.

A written agreement about the ‘big things’ matters. It makes it concrete. It ensures that there are no misunderstandings. And when we do it in a consultative and democratic way, our kids are generally going to be more than willing to stick by the rules and keep our families happy.

Perpetuating the Santa Myth

2012-12-11T18:43:00.002+11:00

At this time of the year some parents begin hyperventilating about how to answer the question that all children between the ages of around 6-8 years start pondering:

"Is Santa Claus real?"

My response is this:

"Tell your kids the truth!"

Why would I say that? Aren't I destroying the dreams of children? Am I becoming some kind of Grinch? Surely that's cruel to destroy their faith in the mythical fat man who commands flying reindeer on his annual skyhigh worldwide circumnavigation of the globe, dispensing gifts that make children's wishes come true!

Au contraire. I love Christmas, and I love the concept and history (the ancient history) of Saint Nicholas.

But I'm a big believer that our children should be told the truth - when they ask the relevant questions.

What does the research say?

Well, the research doesn't say anything about Santa (that I've seen). But it is instructive around kids and lies. Children seem to have reasonable lie detection abilities by the age of around 4 years. Of course, they have to be looking for the lie. So if they're not questioning Santa, then deception will last until they start wondering.

Research also tells us that when we are on the receiving end of lies, including white lies, that our trust in the liar is undermined (duh).

In spite of this, we still lie!

What should I do?

THE KEY is to stop each time you consider lying and ask "why" you want to lie to your kids. All too often (though not always) lying is seen as a short-cut because we can't be bothered spending the time talking through things with our children. So we lie. We cover it up. We put a band-aid over it.

Over time, those lies will come back to bite us.

Instead, consider these do's and don'ts if you have to break some bad news about Santa (or other life challenges) to your kids:

Do make sure you can be fully present with them
Do explain things briefly and clearly
Do wait patiently, responding to their processing with empathy, honesty, clarity, and patience
Do SHUT UP after you've said a bit - and just listen

Don't break the news in front of an audience
Don't break the news when you're in a hurry
Don't expect them to be cool with it
Don't overshare!

So how do you break the news?

Try these ideas:

1. Tell them the truth - you're Santa
2. Google the history of Santa and share the inspiring aspects about the history of Saint Nick
3. Explain that the tradition of Saint Nicholas continues today with parents sharing gifts with their children, and that you'll keep being Santa until they reach a certain age.
4. Talk with your kids about ways that you might play Santa as a family for others in need in your community
5. Remind the kids to keep it quiet! Let other kids enjoy the myth until they require our honesty.

The Final Word
Kids can know the truth about Santa and still find Christmas fun. My kids have each discovered the truth by asking questions and getting the answers truthfully. Santa still visits them. They still love Christmas.

Keeping Your Children Safe

2012-12-03T16:05:00.000+11:00

Some months ago as my eldest daughter walked home from the local shop, she was followed by two men in a white van. She felt unsafe. She pulled out her phone and dialled our number, and as she did so, she walked into the front yard of a stranger’s house and made her way to their front door. She knocked on the door and, as the van drove away, she spoke to me on the phone and explained what had happened. At the same time, the owner of the house opened the door, heard the conversation, and allowed my daughter to remain on the front patio until I arrived (which took about 90 seconds!)

During the past few weeks in the city in which our family lives, there has been a spate of attempted abductions and assaults on children aged around ten and younger. Similar incidents have been reported around Australia with some ending far worse than others.

As a result of these terrible incidents I’ve had numerous media requests to discuss the best way to keep our children safe. These notes are the basis of the comments I’ve made. I recommend you find an evening to sit down and talk with your kids about their safety.

The stats

In Australia in 2010-2011 there were just under 240 000 reports of suspected child abuse and neglect. Authorities were able to gain evidence to confirm close to 40 000 of those cases. Around 35% of those cases were sexual and physical abuse. The remainder were cases of neglect and/or emotional and psychological abuse.

Girls are more than three times as likely to be sexually abused than boys. Boys are more likely to be victims of violent behaviour. And age matters. While all abuse is a travesty, I find it tragic that the most abused group is children under the age of one year old (at a rate of 12 children per 1000). Children aged between one and four years are the next most vulnerable and abused group (at a rate of about 7 in 1000).

Of course, these figures do not tell the whole story. We know that a significant amount of abuse occurs without ever being reported. Around 12% of adult women and close to 5% of adult men in Australia acknowledge having been abused (sexually) as children.

According to the Australian Institute of Criminology, sexual abuse is most likely to be perpetrated by someone known to the child. In fact, in close to 90% of cases, the offender is known and trusted. Here’s the breakdown:

a male relative (other than the victim’s father or stepfather; 30.2%)
a family friend (16.3%)
an acquaintance or neighbour (15.6%)
another known person (15.3%)
or the father or stepfather (13.5%)

The remaining 10% of cases (or thereabouts) are cases where the offender is a stranger.

There is a small gender difference in the data presented above that is noteworthy… the percentage of abuse by strangers is higher for boys than it is for girls, while the percentage of girls abused by people known to them is far higher than it is for boys.

Lastly, the statistics and other research seem to point to something particularly concerning: a large percentage of abuse is spontaneous and unplanned. In other words, a (usually) male friend or relative has an unexpected circumstance presented to him where abuse can occur and for some demented reason, he pursues it. Studies seem to indicate that opportunism is a key factor in abuse occurring.

Stranger Danger – a misnomer?

Keeping the above data in mind, the idea that we should be teaching our children Stranger Danger seems a little odd. Our kids are at greater risk from people we know and trust. Yes, it’s true that some strangers are dangerous. But our kids have to interact with strangers all the time. Sometimes it might be a bus driver or shop assistant. Someone might just feel like chatting with the kids in the park.

To teach our children to beware of all strangers may not only frighten them, but may actually go against them at a time when they might otherwise need that stranger’s help. Black and white rules about stranger danger can be confusing.

Here are five things to teach your children about strangers:

Most strangers are good people, but that doesn’t mean we should be too trusting
If you are ever approached by a stranger, always check with your parents before doing anything with that stranger
If you are going somewhere with a stranger (for some currently unanticipated reason), always stay in public
There may be some instances, perhaps if you got lost or needed help, where you need to go to a stranger. If you do need to talk to a stranger, it’s always best to look for a mum with children and ask her for help.
If you ever feel unsafe, like a stranger is following you, find another adult and explain what you are scared of. Because most strangers are safe, if you ask for help you’re very likely to get it. But if you are invited into someone’s house, always say no and just stay on the doorstep.

We should also teach a few common sense rules about strangers:

If you feel unsafe, move away from strangers
If a stranger promises you something really cool, like lollies, games, or butterflies, lizards, snakes, or whatever, say no and move away.
If a stranger (or any adult) ever grabs you or touches you in a way that makes you scared, scream the following words: “Stop it! Help! Don’t touch me!” And scream them LOUD!

But what about people we know?

Based on the statistics, the really tricky teaching needs to be around keeping our kids safe from people we know and would prefer to trust. The best things to teach your kids are:

My body is mine
No one should ever, ever touch the private parts of my body
If anyone tries to touch me I should loudly say “Stop it! Help! Don’t touch me!”
If a person tells me to keep a secret that relates to private parts of my body, I should remember that they’re wrong. I should tell my mum immediately.
If a person says anything to me or does anything to me (or my body) that leaves me feeling bad, yucky, or guilty, I should tell my parents – even if I’m scared about it.

Our children are innocent. The people they know and trust should be protecting them. Use these tips to clearly teach your children how to act with strangers and with people they know.

Let me finish with one quick story from many years ago…

When a family friend was a young girl, she told her mum that she had been sexually abused be a relative. The mother listened to every word from her young daughter’s mouth. After taking it all in the mother slapped the girl in the face and warned her never to say anything about that incident again.

Such an attitude cannot be allowed to continue. Our children have a right to protection. Please, keep them safe.

If you are aware of a child who has been abused, visit NAPCAN for help.

Sources: Australian Institute of Family Studies, Australian Institute of Criminology

Why ANGER doesn’t change children’s behaviour

2012-11-28T17:45:00.000+11:00

Recently I spent some time with a father who struggles to control his anger towards his children. He described a scene that had played out in his home shortly before our conversation:

My teenage daughter said something really cruel to her sister. Super cruel. So her sister is balling her eyes out and I ask what’s wrong, and she tells me her big sister has said this really nasty, hurtful thing to her. And I just lost it, like I always do. I raced into the room where the teenager was, and I’m like shouting at her, and I backed her into a corner and was slapping her arms, and then SHE tells me to stop abusing her. She doesn’t know what abuse is.

As we reviewed this unhappy incident, I asked the father what the outcome of his anger had been?
Had his daughter learned the lesson that he had hoped to teach her?

He speculated about whether his point had gotten through.

I asked him to stop speculating, and describe the outcome of his anger – the immediate repercussions. How did he feel? How did his daughter feel?

His response was slow in forming, but insightful. He said

The immediate outcome was that I acted like a jerk. I went off. For her, I think that I probably created a sense of anger in her towards me – maybe even hatred. And all she could think about was self-preservation.

I asked what happened when he walked away?

She packed up her school bag and ran away to go to school, but it was like an hour early or something stupid like that. She just took off and wouldn’t come back.

My next question was “What outcome did you want?”

He responded that he wanted her to stop being cruel to her little sister. When I asked if that was all he wanted, he nodded, and then hesitated. Then he said

I wanted her to not just stop it. I wanted her to know that behaviour like that is not tolerated in our house.

We talked about the long term outcomes from such a scenario, where anger is used as the ‘teaching tool’ of a parent. He had more insights:

When I’m angry she doesn’t hear what I say.
When I’m angry I betray her trust in me as her dad
When I’m angry all I really do is harm my own relationship with her
When I’m angry I’m ineffective as a teacher

I added that if we want behaviour to be internalised and to become automatic, we’re not going to get there through anger.

What do we do instead?

Instead of shouting, threatening, and backing our kids into a corner when they do the wrong thing, we need to be patient, soft, gentle, kind, and we need to talk with love. This is particularly difficult to do when we’re angry!

But for effective teaching, and for relationships to remain intact, anger is ineffective and counterproductive. Love, patience, kindness, and thoughtful questions (out of the heat of the moment) are far more likely to lead to effective teaching, and internalised morals on the part of our children – especially when they’re teens.

This dad’s anger led to insights and improvements. What can your anger teach you, and how can you manage it so that you can be an effective parent?

Is P*rn Really That Big a Deal For Our Kids?

2012-11-07T15:02:00.000+11:00

We Need To Talk... from Fight the New Drug on Vimeo.

I've started this blog post a handful of times and keep putting it away. I don't want to touch the topic... but I feel compelled to write about it.

The topic is pornography.

Why write about pornography? Well, put simply, if your child is aged 11, there's a VERY strong chance he or she has already seen it - and not just a bit of nudity. I'm talking about deviant, explicit, pornography - the 'hardcore' stuff. Here's a recent article from one of Australia's largest papers on the issue.

How should we behave if we find our kids have viewed this type of content? When I talk to parents I hear a broad range of attitudes regarding their feelings about children's exposure to pornographic content. These attitudes begin at

"I saw it as a kid and it never affected me"

at one end of the spectrum, while the alternative response is

"I will do whatever I can to protect my child from porn."

The question is particularly challenging because of the near silence on the topic from academic sources. A review of psychology journal database PsycINFO reveals scant research that considers how exposure may impact on our kids.

So... what do we know?

Pornography production, dissemination, and consumption is at record levels and growing.

With the proliferation of the Internet, smart phones and cameras, and social media, this particular 'product' is accessible everywhere, and to everyone. This article from the Washington Times suggests the expansive reach of pornography has reached 'epidemic' proportions. Research (cited in The Age article above, and elsewhere) shows teens are aware that pornography appears 'everywhere in the media and society'.

Acceptance of pornography is at an all-time high.

There appears to be a general mainstreaming of pornography. The popular media normalises pornography consumption through references to its use in sitcoms, dramas, music, movies, and music. And no, I'm not actually talking about these media showing pornography. I'm talking about how characters in tv shows and movies joke about their porn use, or how songs glamorise it and condone it. 'Porn' has become a part of our language, something to joke about, and something to occupy our brief moments when we're looking for something to entertain us - although those 'brief moments' easily lead to hours of addictive consumption for regular users.

Pornography has changed.

Experts are unequivocal in their statements that the porn of today is unquestionably more obscene than it was even a decade ago. There is no question that it has become more deviant, more violent, and even more degrading than it ever was.

Children are being exposed to pornography at record levels.

Author of Big Porn Inc., Melinda Tankard Reist, reports that young people are being exposed to hard-core violent pornography before they even hold hands with, or kiss, a girl. She says 70% of boys have viewed adult content by the time they are twelve years old, and by the time they're fifteen, you'd find it close to impossible to find a boy who hasn't viewed it. Even girls are exposed to pornography at increasingly high rates with around half having viewed pornography by age twelve and 97% by age 16.

Teens are aware that pornography is degrading and discriminatory.

One study found teens saw pornography as portraying a man's role as dominant, even brutal, and abusive and a woman's role as subordinate, and sexual. They felt that the content depicted a distorted reality where women were present in order to be used and abused.

Pornography provides a model of sexuality that IS followed.

Teens tell researchers they don't actually like pornography, but they feel pressured to watch it. And they acknowledge that it provides them a model to follow. They feel compelled to act in accordance with the distorted depictions they view. This means they feel pressured to look a certain, sexualised way, and they also feel pressured to perform in a distorted, dominant (or subordinate) way - even abusively - when involved in personal intimacy.

What does this mean? Teens show an ambivalence towards pornography. They don't like it, can see it's negative impact, and yet they feel that it is the model they should follow in their own sexual relationships.

What is particularly concerning is that sexual abuse of children is on the rise - and it's being committed by other children. This is one frightening example of such behaviour, where four 8 year-old boys caused lifelong harm to a female classmate as they enacted scenes from pornographic material they had been exposed to.

While research doesn't yet provide us a clear link between pornography and young people's behaviour, an article about violence and pornography published in the Sunday Herald Sun (Nov 4, 2012) highlighted,

With all this exposure to pornography, violence and crime content, are we surprised by newly released Australian Bureau of Statistics figures that show sexual assaults and related offences committed by school-aged children have almost quadrupled in four years? They leapt from 450 to 1709.

I recognise that this increase is not necessarily accounted for by viewing pornography. There may be several other variables that contribute. However, the increase of sexualised content readily available for our children to dine on endlessly cannot be discounted as a contributing factor.

There are gender differences in pornography access, even among young people.

Boys access this kind of content more than girls. They also spend more time viewing it.

So are there any solutions?

Yes!

But the approach is complex. Visit any newspaper article on the topic of children accessing pornography and you'll likely see comments from adults arguing strongly against any kind of safety mechanisms and filters or censorship to keep our kids from being damaged by this content. With such polemic views, the approach I'm going to suggest is a challenge.

I believe we need a whole of community approach - which means buy-in from the whole of the community. If we can place our children's welfare above our self-righteous proclamations of individual freedoms, we might have a chance of reducing the risks our kids face. As it stands, governments are not taking responsibility. They not only expect us to do ALL of the protecting of our children, but also expect us to do all of the reporting of illegal content. They could make it much easier with some form of online protections, but they wont. They publish some token pamphlets to say they're doing something... but there is no regulation, and limited or no filtering or blocking of explicit content.

Schools can help. The researchers cited in The Age article above indicated as much. While primary responsibility should rest with parents, it would be nice to have school's assistance. If they can help our kids stay away from pornography just that little bit more, it will help. One Australian commentator (who asked to remain anonymous) warns, however, that pro-pornography activists advising educational bodies as to how pornography can be used as a tool to help kids explore their sexuality.

Let me be clear - porn is NOT a teaching tool, and the research does clearly indicate that what it teaches is anti-thetical to what we want our kids to learn.

Beyond that, I also suggest that parents engage in the following:

First, discussions about pornography should be part of an ongoing conversation about sex and sexuality between parents and children. That conversation should begin when a child starts asking questions about why she is different to her brother. It should continue through the questions about where babies come from. And it should carry on through teen years as kids and their friends begin to have experiences with kissing, holding hands, and so on.

Of course, teens don't like having these conversations. They require tact, a willingness to listen, and care to not go too far in either discussing things kids may not know about, or in making them too uncomfortable. Nonetheless, these are conversations I believe we MUST have with our kids. (Usually with large bowls of ice-cream.)

Second, as children grow older they will be exposed to more and more of the online world. You won't always have control over their viewing habits. While filters can be helpful (and I encourage them on home PC's, laptops, tablets, and smartphones), they won't protect your kids when they visit other people's homes.

Third, don't make a big deal about it. When we make a big deal about things we only fuel the fire of curiosity. Instead of turning pornography into an increasingly enticing 'forbidden-fruit', be real about it. If you find your kids are deleting browser histories, being secretive about their online activities, or behaving in a way you think is strange and may be related to pornography consumption, go for a walk and have a frank and open conversation.

I'm not suggesting we should downplay it. I'm just suggesting we don't want to BLOW IT UP! If we do that, our kids will never come to us about anything... and this is stuff we need to be talking with them about.

Discuss limits, discuss addiction, discuss, discuss, discuss.

Is pornography really that big a deal for our kids? Yes it is. It is damaging their brains, and their model of what a healthy, mutually satisfying, intimate relationship is all about.

If you are interested in this topic, I highly recommend Melinda Tankard Reist and her group - Collective Shout. Get involved and keep our kids safe.

1. Mattebo, M., Larsson, M., Tyden, T., Olsson, T., & Haggstrom-Nordin, E. (2012). Hercules and Barbie? Reflections on the influence of pornography and its spread in the media and society in groups of adolescents in Sweden. The European Journal of Contraception and Reproductive Health Care, 17, 40-49.

2.Bleakley, A., Hennessy, M., & Fishbein, M. (2011). A model of adolescents' seeking of sexual content in their medial choices. Journal of Sex Research, 48, 309-315.

Is Parenting about Power

2012-11-01T11:45:00.003+11:00

Source: Tim Coulson

Have you ever asked your child to do something and they have ignored you, or worse, they've been back-chatty and argumentative? Chances are, if you've been a parent for more than a year or two, the answer is yes.

This morning my eight year-old, Ella, gave us some of that. She wouldn't take her school bag to school. She wanted to unload another backpack and take that instead. The requests were repeated. The refusals became more adamant. The morning routine was disrupted. It became this morning's parenting test for Kylie and I.

Consequences

The way we respond to this situation says a lot about our parenting style.

Do we suggest that

'there will be consequences if you don't do what I have asked!'

(We probably haven't asked so much as we've told, but that's another topic for another day.) Do we promise goodies for compliance? Do we push, pull, coerce, threaten, manipulate, or bribe - even in subtle ways?

These are the standard principles of parenting in thousands of parenting books and programs around the world. Of course, the books don't tell us to threaten and bribe. Those words are too loaded. What they suggest instead is that we should use rewards for good behaviour and 'consequences' for bad behaviour, as though rewards and 'consequences' are completely different sides of a coin.

We're reminded in these books that when our children do as we ask we can give them stars and when they have enough stars they get some goody they've identified as worth working towards. When they don't do as we ask we can use time out or the withdrawal of privileges (usually technology) to punish them and teach them that their unwillingness to comply has 'consequences'.

Authoritarian Parenting

This style of parenting is called 'authoritarian' parenting. It is best exemplified through the term 'power'. Parents who use an authoritarian parenting style rely on their power to manipulate their kids through threats and punishments, or through bribes and rewards. All consequences for behaviour - good or bad - are distributed through the unilateral arbiter of what is right and wrong in the house (the mum or dad).

If I were to be authoritarian with Ella, I would offer her a goody for using her school bag rather than the back pack. If the goody were not enticing enough, I would make it bigger (using my power to do so), or I would suggest 'consequences' (read: punishments) if she chose not to comply (again using my power).

Research shows that when parenting becomes about power, there is a clear array of outcomes in children's lives:

First, relationships suffer.

Second, kids become sneaky. They make sure they don't get caught doing the wrong things and they manipulate situations so they do get caught doing the right things.

Third, kids learn to behave because of external factors rather than internal, autonomous factors.

Fourth, because morality is externally imposed, kids take longer to develop an internal sense of what is right and wrong and WHY.

Fifth, kids whose parents use power to get things done have a model of 'power' in relationships. These kids are more likely to use power, threats, and bribes in their own relationships with friends, peers, and others in the playground. As you can imagine, such interactions are not positive in the long term.

But surely there should be consequences, I hear you say. Kids can't just do as they please.

Research clearly shows that our children need limits to grow up healthy and balanced. But the way those limits and their attendant consequences are experienced by children is key in determining how their sense of morality is developed.

Authoritative Parenting

Authoritative parents do things a little differently.

Authoritative parents are less interested in their children's compliance and more interested in the development of their child's character. As a result, authoritative parents set limits by working with their children rather than doing things to their children.

They talk with them, understand them, listen to them. They are warm. And they believe that children have answers inside themselves.

The research evidence is clear here too. Children who are raised with authoritative parents who set limits democratically and respond to them with warmth do better academically and socially. They feel more worthy, and confident. They may be more mature and have higher emotional intelligence. Their sense of morality and moral development is accelerated. They are empathic and compassionate.

Back to Ella

Because of my commitments during the morning, I asked Kylie to go and work with Ella. School had already started but the bag issue meant Ella was late. Kylie was a little flustered but agreed to sit with Ella. They talked. Kylie asked some questions. Then she waited. Patiently.

Ella opened her school bag. It smelled bad. She was embarrassed by the smell but couldn't find the problem. Together they searched for - and ultimately found - the smelliest leftover food Kylie had ever seen. It was unidentifiable.

Problem solved? Kylie thought so, but patiently asked Ella if she felt like she could take her bag to school now.

Over the next ten minutes Kylie discovered the food had nothing to do with Ella's desire to take a different bag. Instead it came down to this:

Ella told Kylie she feels unliked, unwanted, and unpopular at school. She felt as though having a new bag might increase the other students' interest in her. She might be a bit more popular today. Ella is not being bullied. She's just feeling like she has no friends. Our little angel needs love, friendship, and compassion.

Contrasting the two views

If we believe that kids are supposed to comply, that it's our job to make them obedient, then we'll use punishments and rewards (read: consequences) to make them do our bidding. And in so doing we'll miss the opportunities that exist for us to become involved (positively) in the important details of our children's lives.

An emphasis on compliance and consequences - which is what authoritarian parenting is all about - means we essentially ignore the reasons for our children's behaviours. Often those reasons are deep, painful, and important. Instead, we threaten and bribe, oblivious to our children's internal challenges.

An emphasis on developing character in our children leads to an authoritative approach. If we believe that our children's sometimes less-than-civil behaviour, backchatting, attitude, and temper is something for us to work with and understand, our approach will allow us to work together to find solutions to problem behaviours that may not even require consequences once we understand why they are happening.

Why do we treat those who matter most the worst?

2012-09-26T10:23:00.000+10:00

My kids were watching a Disney movie recently. In the movie a dad, who was coaching his child's sport team, yelled at his son.

At the conclusion of the coaching session the boy asked his Dad,

"Why did you yell at me but you didn't yell at all the other kids?"

His Dad yelled back in exasperation,

"I don't care about the other kids."

As I listened to this exchange, I found the irony striking.

Why do we treat those who matter the most to us in the worst way? Why are we so disrespectful to our kids? We would never treat our friends, acquaintances, or strangers the way we treat our family members.

Here's a challenge for the rest of the day... Try speaking to your family members as if they were a special guest in your home. Even if they do something that a special guest would never do, speak to them as if they were that guest.

Try it and see what happens. I think you'll be surprised by the results.

Loving a Child Through the Challenges of Life

2012-09-12T06:08:00.001+10:00

I've discovered a beautiful blog recently that is so good I simply had to share it.

Hands Free Mama is the kind of place you might sit and read for hours. And every single post reminds us that connection with our children is everything.

I love the blog.

It's become an inspiration to me in the same way that I hope this blog is an inspiration to you. And in the last day or two I've connected with the blog's author, Rachel, about an article that I simply had to share here.

With Rachel's permission, I share the following story called "Loving a child through the challenges of life."

I was two years shy of becoming a mother when I learned my greatest lesson about parenting. This information was not gleaned from a New York Times bestseller, a renowned pediatrician, or an experienced parent. It came from a 10-year-old boy born to a drug-addicted mother, with an Individualized Education Plan thicker than an encyclopedia—a boy with permanent scars along the side of his left arm from a beating with an extension cord when he was three.

Kyle (name has been changed) taught me the one and only thing I really needed to know about loving a child through the challenges of life.

This is my story …

It had been a difficult move. I left my family and friends and the beloved mid-western state where I’d lived most of my life. My new home was thousands of miles away from anything I knew. It was hot—all the time. There were no seasons and teaching jobs were hard to come by. Having seven years experience as a behavior specialist, I was up for a challenge. I would accept any job if it meant I could do what I was born to do—teach.

I accepted a teaching position in a classroom for children with an array of educational diagnoses. They were students with severe learning and behavioral difficulties who’d been shuffled from school to school. So far, no program in the district was able to meet their challenging needs.

The first few months of school were difficult. It was not unusual for me to cry as I made my 45-minute commute to the inner city. It required a deep breath to even open the classroom door, but I came back every day praying this would be the day—a breakthrough to one broken soul.

On this particular morning, I was excited. The other lead teacher and I had spent weeks teaching the children appropriate behavior for public outings. We would be going putt-putting and out to lunch. Miraculously, most of the children in class earned this privilege—only a few had not. Alternative arrangements were made for those students while we took the field trip.

We had an extensive plan in place to make the departure as smooth as possible. But due to the explosive behavior of many of the students, even the best laid plans could quickly turn sour.

Kyle was one of the students who had not earned the field trip, and he was determined to make that disappointment be known.

In the corridor between classrooms, he began screaming, cursing, spitting, and swinging at anything within striking distance. Once his outburst subsided, he did what he’d done at all his other schools, at home, even once at a juvenile detention center when he was angry—he ran.

The crowd of onlookers that congregated during the spectacle watched in disbelief as Kyle ran straight into the heavy morning traffic in front of the school.

I heard someone shout, “Call the police.”

Based on the information in Kyle’s file, I knew the officers would locate him and place him on a 5150 hold for a psychiatric evaluation.

But I could not just stand there. So I ran after him.

Kyle was at least a foot taller than me. And he was fast. His older brothers were track stars at the nearby high school. But I had worn running shoes for the field trip, and I could run long distances without tiring. I would at least be able to keep in him my sight and know he was alive.

With the agility of a professional athlete, Kyle dodged the moving vehicles in his path. After several blocks of running directly into on-coming traffic, he slowed his pace. Although it was still morning, the tropical sun was bearing down on the black tarmac baking anyone crazy enough to be running full speed on it.

Kyle took a sharp left and began walking through a dilapidated strip mall. Standing next to a trash compactor, he bent over with his hands on his knees. He was heaving to catch his breath. That is when he saw me. I must have looked ridiculous—the front of my lightweight blouse soaked with sweat, my once-styled hair now plastered to the side of my beat-red face. He stood up abruptly like a frightened animal that thought it was alone suddenly discovering he’d been spotted.

But it was not a look of fear.

I saw his body relax. He did not attempt to run again. Kyle stood and watched me approach. My exhaustion caused me to slow to a walk.

Kyle remained still.

I had no idea what I was going to say or what I was going to do, but I kept walking closer.

We locked eyes, and I willed every ounce of compassion and understanding in my heart toward his own.

He opened his mouth to speak when a police car pulled up, abruptly filling the space between Kyle and me. The principal of the school and an officer got out. They spoke calmly to Kyle who went willingly into the back of the vehicle. I did not come close enough to hear their words, but I didn’t take my eyes off Kyle’s face. His eyes never left mine … even as they drove away.

It was days before Kyle would be allowed to return to school. I shared my disappointment regarding the turn of events with Kyle’s speech therapist who was familiar with Kyle’s past history and family situation.

She placed her hand on my shoulder and said, “No one ever ran after him before, Rachel. No one. They just let him go.”

But I couldn’t help but feel that I had failed him … that I should have done more or said more … that I should have fixed the situation, or better yet, prevented the situation.

Kyle eventually came back to school. I quickly noticed that when he had a choice of which teacher to work with or which teacher to accompany him to special classes, he chose me. As weeks passed, he was glued to my side, complying with instructions, attempting to do his work, and once in awhile even smiling. For a child with severe attachment issues, it was quite amazing that he was developing a bond with me.

One day on the way to art class, Kyle unexpectedly grasped my hand. It was unusual for a boy his age and size to hold his teacher’s hand, but I knew I must act like it was the most normal thing in the world.

And then he leaned in and quietly said something I will never forget.

“I love you, Miss Stafford,” he whispered. And then, “I never told anyone that before.”

Part of me wanted to ask, “Why me?”

But instead I simply relished the moment—an unimaginable breakthrough from the child whose file bore the words: “Unable to express love or maintain a loving relationship with another human being.”

Besides, I knew the turning point. Things changed the day he ran, and I ran after him—even though I didn’t have the right words … even though I wasn’t able to save him from the mess he was in.

It was the day I didn’t throw my hands up in the air deciding he was too fast … a waste of time and effort … a lost cause.

It was the day my mere presence was enough to make a profound difference.

Ten years have passed since I’ve seen Kyle. I no longer live in the same state that I did back then. But I often think of him. When I am out running … when I am to the point where my legs are tired and aching … I think of him.

And I think of him when those really hard parenting dilemmas come my way—problems derived from inside and outside of the home—issues that make me want to beat my head against the wall or lower it in despair. I think of Kyle in those moments when I don’t know what to do or what to say when I look into my children’s troubled eyes.

That is when I see Kyle’s face and remember I don’t always have to have the answer. Because sometimes there is no clear-cut answer.

And I remember I don’t always have to “fix” their troubled hearts. Because there will be times when I can’t.

I think of Kyle and remember the power of presence. Because it’s possible to say, “I won’t let you go through this alone,” without muttering a single word.

Thank you, Kyle, for revealing the key to loving a child through the challenges of life.

Sometimes our mere presence is enough.

Sometimes it is exactly what is needed to change a dismal situation into one of hope.

Would you ask your kids for a Parenting Performance Appraisal?

2012-08-08T09:08:00.001+10:00

Source: Buzzle

I remember sitting in my first serious performance appraisal some ten or fifteen years ago. I thought I was doing a great job, working on air at one of the biggest radio stations in the country. My boss seemed to think otherwise. I was a "fair" employee he said, and right now I had a lot of improving to do.

It hurt. I left his office smarting, and certain that the pay raise I'd hoped for was not going to be forthcoming.

It wasn't.

I felt undervalued and left within six months.

But recently my wife, Kylie, decided we needed to check in with our kids and see how we're living up to what we value as parents. Kylie had been reading my new book, What Your Child Needs From You: Creating a Connected Family. In the first chapter of my book, I ask a series of questions to encourage parents to think about how well they are parenting. Rather than asking herself how she was doing as a mum, Kylie decided to ask the kids.

While I played with the children, read stories, and did some activities, Kylie invited each of our children to spend ten or fifteen minutes answering those questions. Talk about putting yourself out there for possible experience in pain.

Sitting on the couch in the lounge room, Kylie assured the kids we loved them and they wouldn't be in trouble for being truthful. Then she asked each of the questions from the book. Here are just a few:

Do we show we care about you?
Do we remember things that are important to you?
Do we make you feel wanted?

Many of the answers were awesome. For example, Annie (our 4 year old) loves our hugs and kisses. She feels better when she gets them. *Sigh.*

And Abbie (age 9) said,

"When you're happy I feel safe and protected."

That felt good.

But some of the answers stung, like this one from 4 year-old Annie:

"When you get angry and shout it makes me want to cry"

We got this message (among others) from our Yr 7 daughter, Chanel:

"I feel like you don't value what I do because you keep loading me up with more chores before I'm even finished the last ones. Then you get angry and make me feel like you just want me out of the way."

How about this one, from Ella (aged 8) when asked if we show that we remember what's important to her:

"Sometimes I don't think so, because you threw out Snowy."

Snowy was Ella's tattered, falling to bits, stuffed toy bunny rabbit.

And then Ella hit us with this one:

"When you are busy you don't listen to me properly. Like when Dad's on the computer or you (mum) are doing craft you're not available to me. It feels like they're more important than me."

The one that really cut through was from our 9 year old Abbie:

"When you're angry I feel like you wish I was never born."

Oh. Ouch. My eyes are wet as I type. I feel so chastened for every allowing my annoyance and irritation to flash into outbursts that leave a near perfect 9 year old feeling like I wish she'd never been born.

Abbie gave Kylie an example of how, one evening, she was slow in responding to my repeated requests to set the table. After I raised my voice she finally started to pull out placemats. Then stopped and asked Kylie a question. Well, she tried to. I didn't let her get the question out. I shouted over her, demanding that she do as she was asked before she stall the process by asking questions. She burst into tears as she told me her question was about what we would need for the table setting.

That was months ago. She still remembered. And so do I.

After the children had gone to bed Kylie talked me through our first parenting appraisal.

We were doing plenty right. That much was clear. But the children's feelings reflecting our shortcomings had a powerful impact. I felt awful for that.

The appraisal was effective. It stirred something inside me.

I love my kids and I automatically assume they know it. I take it for granted that they feel my love for them. And, like just about every parent on the planet, I try to do the best I can. But each time I get irritated, they hurt. I simply had no idea how much.

I feel a little exposed, sharing this. But here's the thing. Like most parents, my knowledge of what I should do far outstrips my capacity to carry out what I know I should do. Knowing a lot doesn't make me - or any parent - great.

The Lesson: Ultimately our kids don't care how much we know about parenting. They just care that they feel loved. Our perception is almost irrelevant. It's their perception that counts.

Addendum:
Kylie and I were talking about this again as I constructed this post. Our children have been much easier to work with since the performance appraisal. Kylie pointed out that by doing this, we were actually being 'good' parents. We took the time to understand our children.

Perhaps the biggest take-home for us is that none of the issues our kids raised were 'major' issues to us. But it's the small things; the short temper at the end of the day, the lack of attention because of the computer, the loading them up with more chores - these little things stick with them.

You can find the questions we asked our kids in my new book, available here.

Why this book can make a difference in YOUR family

2012-08-01T06:49:00.000+10:00

After talking about it for ages, I'm excited to tell you my book is available.

Here’s my take on the book in a couple of short and easy points:

There are loads of things experts tell you that your children need. But in reality, while there are many things children might benefit from, there are only a few things children really need.

In this book you will learn:

1. How to be emotionally available to your child – and why it matters.
2. How to really understand, and connect, with your child – and why it matters.
3. How to really discipline your child by teaching good ways to act – and how to do it without punishment, without rewards, and without stress.

Most of all, What Your Child Needs From You is about how parents and children can turn their hearts towards one another through compassion, kindness, and love.

Full of real life stories from real life mums and dads, this book will change the way you raise your children in positive and meaningful ways.

Some really great people have said some great things about the book:

Professor Todd B. Kashdan (George Mason University Psychology Professor and author of “Curious”) said:

“One of the most thoughtful, intelligent discussions of parenting. I found myself nodding my head in agreement, talking to friends and family about passages, and immediately applying techniques. A fantastic resource for the most difficult and meaningful part of our lives.”

Professor H. Wallace Goddard (Parenting author and Professor of Family Life, University of Arkansas) said:

“This wise, insightful, engaging book is one of the best parenting books I have ever read! I recommend it to you wholeheartedly.”

Professor Tim Sharp (Dr. Happy, Clinical psychologist, Director of The Happiness Institute, and author of several books) said:

“This is an important book on arguably the most important topic of all. Justin does a fantastic job of distilling the latest parenting research into readable and practical words of advice moms and dads so desperately want and need.”

Dr John Irvine (Clinical psychologist, author, and parenting expert) said:

"I love the way this book is written - very practical, very focused on parent issues, and at the same time, very humble. Justin is not saying "Do as I say because I'm the expert", but rather, "Here are some ideas that seem to work. What do you think?" It's practical, easy to read, well-referenced, and covers so many of the day-to-day topics that parents agonise about. It's also well presented in case studies, summary points, quotes... and everything to make this book an eminently readable and sensible addition to any parent's library."

Michael Grose (author and parenting expert) said:

"What your child needs from you is a terrific reminder about what really matters as a parent- to be fully present in our kids' lives. It's a very practical, eminently readable guide that deserves a special place by the side of every parent's bed."

I know this book can make a difference in your family. If you'd like to buy a copy, you can do so below - as a book, or a book on CD. (For multiple copies, the buy now button won't work. It will only allow one purchase at a time. Instead, email justin@happyfamilies.com.au to place your order.)

Buy the CD

The Computer is on. What are the Children Doing?

2012-06-28T12:27:00.000+10:00

‘Forbidden fruit’ is powerfully alluring, especially for teenagers. Researchers have discovered that when children and adolescents are ‘forbidden’ from drugs, media consumption, and even certain peer relationships, they will resist those limits and assert their independence. If you tell a teen not to do something you almost ensure that as soon as your back is turned, they’ll be experimenting, investigating, poking, prodding, inhaling, swallowing, or otherwise trying to experience whatever was just deemed contraband.

The super-peer of the media is addictive, influencing an entire generation of teenagers into accepting whatever norms those behind the messages seek to perpetuate.

This is partly due to teenagers’ basic desire for autonomy.

“You can’t tell me what to do.”

Another reason is that humans’ pre-frontal cortex (which is the part of our brain responsible for executive function and forward planning) does not fully develop until our early twenties. Lacking the neurologically advanced development that adults possess, our teens seem all too enthusiastic to chase after whatever we suggest would be best given a wide berth. This is especially the case when they sense their autonomy is being threatened. The more dictatorial our approach, the more enticing the forbidden fruit.

To add complexity to a challenging situation, as teens develop, their willingness to accept parental influence diminishes at the same rate as their increased acceptance of peer influence. Mum and Dad become restrictive while peers offer limitless opportunities for exploration and discovery.

Of all the peers that have an impact on our children’s decisions, there is one that is ubiquitous, pervasive, and all-too-often insidious. The media acts as a super-peer and influences our children with more effect than the most persuasive of teenagers’ normal peers. The super-peer is subtle. The super-peer rarely explicitly demands that teens conform to a given ideal. Rather, it presents models of the ‘good life’ and teens follow the direction laid out for them without question. While the influence of the super-peer can be positive, it can also be frighteningly negative.

The super-peer of the media is addictive, stimulating, rewarding, and even intoxicating. As teenagers become increasingly enmeshed in a world saturated with carefully crafted messages about what is desirable and what is not, the super-peer influences an entire generation of teenagers into accepting whatever norms those behind the messages seek to perpetuate.

Yesterday I spoke at a media luncheon about a study conducted by McAfee and independent research body TNP which was released this week that exposes just how powerful the reach of the super-peer is. 500 Aussie teens and 500 Aussie parents were questioned about the way the Internet is used in our families. (You can read more, and see a great info-graphic on the research right here.)

Australian teenagers access the online world close to four hours every day via laptops, tablets and smart phones. That is four hours of online exposure to a world with minimal regulation and with essentially unquestioned capacity for influence. While in that virtual world they are often productive, regularly using the Internet for study purposes, however at least 22% admit to being exposed to unwanted sexual content and a slightly smaller percentage of teens intentionally seek such material out.

Source: sickfacebook.com

McAfee’s research shows that 80% of parents say that they are talking with their children about their online activities and the potential dangers of the Internet and media. But based on what teens say they’re doing online, the message is not getting through, or the forbidden fruit is too stimulating, too tantalising, and all too desirable. The super-peer holds all the aces of influence.

In the McAfee study, kids admit to accessing inappropriate, violent, sexual, and degrading content and deleting browser histories or working around other security controls. They also admit that much of what they do online is secret, and they enter into a covenant of silence with other teens in order to keep knowledge of their activities from parents.

If 80% of parents are talking with their teens about their online world and yet teens are still chasing the forbidden fruit, consuming it, and keeping it secret, perhaps parents need to learn new skills, and new ways of communicating with their children.

In an ideal world those involved in promoting material designed for adolescent consumption through various media forms including music, marketing, movies, and the web should be encouraged to provide messages that promote healthy developmental and sexuality. The unprecedented access our children have to sexual material in the present generation has never been seen before in the history of the world. It has also never been so depraved and readily accessible for any and all to see – and it seems that many of our teens are taking full advantage of this.

Keeping a PC in an open space is no longer enough to protect children from material that will change their neural wiring, change the way they relate to others physically, and potentially change the course of their lives. The McAfee study shows that large percentages of children now access illicit material via laptops, i-pads, tablets, and smart phones, usually with no technological limits or filters installed.

In the absence of an ideal world, the secret online world of teens is a growing concern for parents in the 21st century. Here are three simple solutions that will go a long way towards protecting our children.

Talk a little, listen a lot. Communication should be teen-centred, straight forward, and honest. Asking teens to explain what they do online, what they know about what exists and how it might affect them will lead to more effective self-monitoring and self-imposed limits. As parents we can guide teens by filling in the gaps of their understanding. But the most effective communication we can have with our teens regarding Internet safety and the influence of the super-peer involves listening, listening, and more listening.
We should limit the use of limits. Too many limits and restrictions can make forbidden fruit even more appealing, and increase the influence of the super peer. The ubiquity of the Internet and the media more generally will not change. Attempts to ban access will only promote underhanded and devious behaviour when parents aren’t watching. Some limits are necessary, but they should be collaboratively determined.
Finally, POS (parent over shoulder). While helicopter parenting is restrictive and should be avoided, parents should be involved in their teens’ online world. That means utilising technology that helps you see their digital footprint, monitor messages, and highlights search histories. Be involved in their digital world by friending them on facebook, checking their history, and asking them to teach you about skype, google plus, tumblr, and more.

Parents, policy-makers, and those who provide media content of all types have a responsibility to work to keep children safe and to minimise their exposure to material that may cause long-term harm. In so doing, the influence of the super-peer may be tempered and teens may pause and think about whether that forbidden fruit is really worth the risk.

How to Have a Perfect Morning with the Kids

2012-06-26T13:00:00.000+10:00

Source: timcoulson.com

Sunday morning I did something different to normal. My Type A personality means that my mornings generally start at somewhere between 4am and 5am (yes, even on Saturday and Sunday). I don't have time for that sleep-in stuff. I've got blogs to write, books to read, a bike to ride, a business to build, and whatever else. Life is short. Get lots done. That's how I roll.

for that brief few minutes on a Sunday morning as the sun streamed through the windows, we were one of those families in the magazines.

But on Sunday I changed all of that.

It was 7.30 when I realised I'd somehow slept through the alarm (or forgotten to set it). Lilli, my two year-old was giggling with her mum in bed next to me. I'm not sure there's a more pure, delightful sound than a toddler laughing and being cuddled. I savoured it for a minute and then Annie, aged four, sleepily meandered into our room and hopped up onto the bed next to me.

I reached for her hand and started to draw a little circle in her palm.

Round and round the garden, like a teddy bear...

Annie was already giggling. By the time my fingers had taken their two steps and begun to tickle her she was squirming in rapturous bliss.

I grabbed her toes and started reciting

This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had...

Annie didn't let me finish. She squealed

"ROAST BEEF!"

and so of course I had to start all over again. Daddy can't be interrupted doing the little piggies.

We played for twenty minutes or so, and even put a call in to my 82 year-old grandmother so she could hear the laughter and joy her great-granddaughter was experiencing. It made her day... and for that brief few minutes on a Sunday morning as the sun streamed through the windows, we were one of those families in the magazines.

It was perfection.

I couldn't have asked for anything more.

Of course, my Type A personality eventually took over. I mentioned our agenda for the morning. I indicated that beds needed to be made, children needed to be dressed, and we needed to eat breakfast and be out the door by 9am.

Chaos reigned. Children cried. Knots had to be brushed out of hair. No one wanted to do all of that. Because just for a brief moment there had been no agenda, no rush, no commitments. We were together, and that was all that mattered.

I've already planned next Sunday morning (yes... Type A coming through again). The agenda is set. It involves a little less focus on deadlines, a bit more tickling, and lots more cuddles. I don't want 20 minutes of perfection next Sunday. This time we're shooting for 30!