Always a Bridesmaid Never a Bride

This is Why I don't Mess With Pussy

2014-04-13T22:58:00.002-05:00

I love animals. LOVE them. In fact, for the past 8 months I have been working at an animal hospital loving on some fur balls and answering phones. Let's catch up.

Getting a business loan is really hard when you are young and have nothing in your name even though you have amazing credit.
Getting a normal job when you have Dr. in front of your name is really really really hard because people don't wanna pay you Dr. money.
Working you ass off (literally...it's gone) at an animal hospital dealing with stupid people and answering phones is sometimes the only way for a person to get cash flow to start said potential business.
It is completely worth it to be ass-less when there you meet amazing people and you have a chiropractic office with your name on it.

People bring in stray animals and or abandon animals on a regular basis in the veterinary world. Insert melancholy feelings here. One kitty cat named Miley was one that was abandoned and became our new resident. My new BFF Roxanne who works with me at said animal hospital needed a pet. After many talks about how her littles would love a kitty and how they are self sufficient, Roxanne decided to take Miley home.

The first night Miley was overly excited about her new home. She was no longer stuck in kitty condo with short amounts of social interaction. She had a whole 2 bedroom apartment to roam. She then proceeded to do crazy kitty shit, like go into heat and roll the fuck around.

Like this one

After attacking Kiwi once and letting her know who's house it was, Kiwi and I would come over on a regular basis to stay the night with no problems. We were all the best of friends. Finally it was time for that cat to stop her fucking whining and get her uterus removed. It is supposed to be an easy procedure, but we were told that she went bat shit crazy waking up from anesthesia...but most animals do act weird (as I have learned) when they wake up from Lala-land so Roxanne wasn't concerned especially when Miley was the most loving cat that we have EVER seen.

I left for a weekend to go visit Molly and the baby and Kiwi stayed with Roxanne, her kids, and Miley. As far as I know everything went smoothly. When I got back, I took Kiwi back over to the apartment to hang out with my favorite new friend when Miley decided to lose her fucking marbles.

Kiwi ran over to Miley's bowl, like she always does to eat left over cat food. When I went in to chastise her, Miley ran around the corner out of no where and started attacking my baby. That was fine, Kiwi shouldn't have ate her food, plus this has happened once before and it only lasted 5 seconds. Well, 5 seconds became 15 and my baby started crying and tried to run across the kitchen. Miley followed suit quickly to claw and bite her some more while I heard my fluff ball yell, "MOM! HEEEEELP!" I immediately went into mom mode and put my hand (stupid, stupid move) in the middle of the fight. I grabbed my baby and held her up to my chest trying to comfort her as the deranged cat came running after me. She chased me into the living room where she climbed up my right leg, scratching, and biting trying to get to my sweet puppy. I screamed in pain and fear simultaneously as Roxanne nervously kicked the cat off of me and threw her in her room.

Finally...a second to breathe. I looked at my hand and watched blood ooze from it. All of the sudden shit started hurting. MAN DOWN! This cat just fucked my world up! I look at Kiwi and see blood on her ears. Tears roll down my face because I failed her as a human parent. Roxanne who is completely frantic starts licking her hand and wiping Kiwi's ear to assure me that it isn't her blood. It was ALL mine.

Roxanne is all, "Diamond, the dog is fine. What about you? What do I need to do? Do I need to take you to the doctor?"

Fuck that. I AM a doctor. I'm first responder certified. I can handle this shit....plus I don't have any insurance. As a mother of two, she was COMPLETELY ill-prepared for an emergency. Not even a single fucking band-aid. So I told her to take me to CVS. (Wish I had pictures of the blood and gore, but pictures weren't on the top of the priority list at the time.) We drive to the first CVS...closed. Fuck, let's go to the other one. Next CVS...closed. MOTHER EFF!!!! Are there no 24-hr pharmacy stores in this town? Fuck it. We're going to Wal-mart.

I slowly get out of the car because the pain in my hand is so intense not to mention my scrub bottoms had started sticking to my leg wounds while the wind was howling that night. We walk in a B line (or an i line) to the pharmacy section of the store failing on every aisle to find what we need. I see a worker and ask, "where is the peroxide?" She gives me a once over, sees my bloody hand and points with a concerned face to the appropriate aisle. We dash over and Roxanne starts to quickly open boxes of gauze. She goes to apply it and I yell "Wait! We need peroxide first!" She puts the box down, looks around and finds a small bottle of equate brand peroxide and untwists the top. She pulls the sliver seal off with her teeth and pours the peroxide on my open wound and gauze.

I squeal in pain as bystanders pass by the aisle wondering what the fuck we are doing as if it weren't a normal occurrence at the mart of Wal. I am jumping up and down waiting on the pain to subside while Roxanne is wide-eyed and ready for the next procedure. At the same time an older gentlemen tries to walk down the aisle we are hogging but decides to go around to get his deodorant when he sees peroxide and blood gauze on the floor. She applied a few pieces of gauze on the wound and started to wrap my hand with a self adhesive wrap. Finally with a closed wound the pain decreased as the ibuprofen I had previously taken before we left the house kicked in. We grab all the things we used including a little extra for my untreated leg to check out. We made light conversation with the cashier as she was concerned with the situation, and left giggling and ready for the next adventure.

Pretty good for a 10pm Wal-mart run

We ran out of supplies

Good morning puncture wound

After I slept in the bandages this is what it looked like =)

At least I got pretty tape?!

These are 3 days later

NOW!

No worries, I got a script for antibiotics as a precaution for cat scratch fever or any other nasty shit cats have (though I will never be able to wear shorts). Miley however, is without a home again, so if you or anyone else want a kitty cat her crazy ass is up for adoption...and this is why I don't mess with pussy.

It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Christmas

2013-12-08T00:19:00.000-06:00

When one of your best friends offers you a good time by putting up a Christmas tree and drinking wine you don't turn it down. I got out of my car at my fiancee's apartment complex to find pine needles leading me straight up to her apartment. Shaking my head, I knocked on the door. I walked in to find a huge 8ft tree in the corner of her living room placed where I had recommended. I still have no clue how her and her boyfriend got this tree up her stairs, but you will understand that in a minute.

I look over at her decorations and see an abundance of things on her counter including some deco mesh ribbon that I had never used before, but convincingly communicated would be easy to put up. Well, that was the first thing I was wrong about. That shit sucks. You twist it one way and it twists another and it doesn't wrap as easily as garland. The second thing I was wrong about was the placement of the tree in the living room. It was waaaaaay to close to the window. In theory, having a christmas tree next to a window is a fantastic suggestion, but when you have pesky cat and stupid irritating mesh to wrap, the notion is dull-witted.

How do people do this shit?

We pull the tree a few inches away from the window as to wrap the ribbon in a decorative fashion. I maneuver one arm into the tree trying to grab something solid as branches and pine needles continuously poke me in the face. I somehow get my other arm in while my love is on all fours grabbing the bottom of the tree. "One, two, three, PULL!" The tree moved 2 inches. Quickly exhausted from our tree pulling workout, the fiancee decides to just throw the ribbon around to me in the small space we created between the tree and the window.

All the while, the cat is sitting in the window watching our shenanigans go down. I decide that the ribbon wrapping is horrendous and suggest googling how to do it when is see a beautiful tree on Pinterest. At this point my fiancee is completely over it and just wants the ribbon to hang straight down from the tip down. I look at her annoyed with her defeated attitude, tell her to proceed with her idea, step back from the tree and tell me if that remotely looks pretty. She concedes and allows me to study the picture to create the perfect tree.

The inspiration tree

We finally get the ribbon right and decorate the tree...in the front. There was no room for us to reach the back of the tree so we instinctively decorate the side that everyone who walks in the house will see. Half way through, we start to admire our work. In the midst of our adoration the tree begins to fall. I run over and stick my arms back in that tree and almost poke my eye out with a branch of needles. We immediately blame the cat as he conveniently created a distance from the tree and himself during the plummet.

We push the tree back up and think that the ornaments must be making the tree heavy on one side. After further inspection, we decide that the tree is being pulled by the lights that were being pulled taught against the wall. I hold the tree up and the fiancee goes to her closet for an extension cord. Boom, bam, pow. The girl almost loses her life from trying to get a box from the top of the closet. She brings the cord over and holds the tree while I unplug. TIIIIIIMBERRRRRRR! The only thing holding that tree up were the cords. Fuck.

With my face itching I say:

We have to move the tree.

Why?

Because it isn't going to stay here.

Right now? Where?

Yes. When else did you want to do it. Over there. *points across room*

The tree is heavy!

We can do it.

*sighs and thinks about the tree falling on her flat screen if it isn't moved* Ok.

With my brilliant plan in place we prepare the room for tree hauling. We take our positions with me getting pulling from the top and the fiancee pulling from the bottom. "One, two, three, PULL!" "One, two, three, PULL!" "One, two, three, PULL!" We weren't even half way across the room. I reposition myself lower on the tree. "One, two, three, PULL!" "One, two, three, PULL!" At this point I scream in pain because a snowflake was impaling my ankle and my legs were wrapped in Christmas lights. My poor fiancee had red knees from carpet burn. A few more feet to go and we push that bad boy to its new home.

There was water and needles all over the floor, glitter all over our bodies and ribbon in my love's hair. We let the tree go and lo and behold this pain in my ass tilts over. The most innovative and brilliant idea then enters the brain of my green-eyed friend and she scurries away to implement it while I once again, hold the tree. I see her with a biology book, she opens it half way and tells me to tilt the tree. I do as I am told, but alas, I am not strong enough to tilt it as far as she needs. She says more and I gain a wider stance and tilt some more. Unsatisfactory. I have to tilt some more. With the tree feeling like it is horizontal in my now itchy arms, she shoves her book under the stand.

Finished product!

Finally. a tall steady tree! I step back and admire our work. I look over to the other pretty girl in the room and say, "You're gonna have to get some presents to cover that up." She laughs and replies, "I have a tree skirt." Our tree came out more than perfect and with all the work that went into it, it better have. We turned off the living room lights to enjoy the glow and poured big glasses of wine. We put up a my tree the next day. I've never appreciated my fake 6-foot tree so much. Fifteen minutes and we were done. I am already so over Christmas.

Five Rambling Facts That My Facebook 'Friends' Don't Know About Me

2013-11-16T16:20:00.003-06:00

I don't get into Facebook games. I quite frankly find them annoying, however, the things you may not know about me game was interesting. I actually learned some cool facts about people, but like I said, I don't do games on Facebook so I will play on this post.

Shit that no one cares to know, but out of sheer boredom you will read to find out anyway:

I once got paid $400 by Felix Jones to take a shot of something that knocked me on my ass until 5 O'clock the next afternoon.

It was his birthday and he said he would pay some girl $400 to take a shot. I looked around the room and realized I was the only one who went to college and accepted the challenge based on my experience in shot taking. After standing in line behind some women who immediately spit the unknown shot out, I was told that I should take a double shot. I confidently did so and don't remember anything else about that night except for the burn I felt in my chest. I woke up at home around 5pm the next day richer than I started.

I don't like being touched. In fact, hugs freak me out and hand holding makes me sweat with nervousness.

I'm not sure why I don't like to be touched but my closest friends know this little fact about me. We had to go camp before clinic in school where we did a trust fall after telling some deep down secret of ours that usually ended in tears. We were all hot and sweaty as we were outside in DFW and it was my turn to fall. I did so and all of the catchers surrounded me for a group hug...all but Molly. My staff doctor told her to go give me a hug but she refrained telling him that I did not like them. I never appreciated her more as I tried to wipe off the sweaty hebegebees from being hugged by my classmates.

The most invaluable gift that I ever received was a power drill.

My roommate and I just moved into a small house and wanted to put up curtains in her room. We were unsure of how to do this as our last place of residence already had curtain rods installed above the windows. We were screwing our lives away (that's what she said) with no luck of the screw ever going into the wall. So I called a man of course to borrow some braun and bugged him on a daily basis to help us. To avoid helping he just bought me a power drill and left it at my doorstep. We still didn't know that we had to drill holes into the walls first so he ended up doing in anyway and I still use that drill to this day.

My most outrageous dream is to move to Australia and own a Koala.

Koala drinking bottled water. Cuteness overload

I have a sister who is 11 years younger than me and is the only person that I trust to keep a secret.

I got my bellybutton pierced when I was 18 just because my mom told me that I wouldn't. My dad threatened that if I got a piercing (belly or ear) he wouldn't pay for college (HEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLO scholarship). I showed my sister who was 7 at the time and made a child promise not to tell our dad. Surprisingly she never told my dad, I became a better role model, and we still giggle about that secret to this day.

Potty Mouth

2013-11-10T23:01:00.002-06:00

I hate public bathrooms. I can't stand them. Bacteria, pee, smells, blood (nasty women), poop... I just shuddered typing these words. I hate public restrooms.

I hate public restrooms so much that my first few months in Dallas, I refused to use the loo while on campus. My bladder was about to burst every time I arrived home after being at school from 7am to 5pm and sitting in traffic on loop 12. It got to be such a problem that I ended up with a urinary tract infection that I didn't know I had.

I was just nauseous and my back kind of hurt. I couldn't hold my head up I felt so sick. When I finally drove myself to a doctor I was given the bad news that I had a pretty bad infection and it was starting to effect my kidneys. The doctor lectured me about my wiping habits (as if I didn't know how to wipe after 24 years), peeing before and after doing the deed, and more relevantly, not holding my urine in my bladder for hours. She just didn't get it. I took microbiology in high school (shout out to Mr. Jones), college, and grad school. Has she never done those swabbing experiments? The things that grow on those petri dishes. *gags*

To make matters worse, my parents owned a cleaning service. I remember them inspecting a bathroom in a public library to see if their employees were properly doing their job. A black light does not belong in a bathroom. Just trust me on that one. And guys, seriously...is peeing on the walls absolutely necessary? Have you not learned to aim that thing yet? It has only been attached to you for, uhhh...I don't know...your whole life?

With all this said, I will use a public wash room if I absolutely, necessarily have to. But trust me, jumping a curb with my car to be behind a bank and pissing in the grass behind my car door guarding my assets will always take precedence over a public restroom (one of my prouder peeing moments...sadly) Once, at a rugby game in Ft. Worth, I had to pee like a Russian race horse (which by the way still makes no sense to me). We were at a public park and I knew that I would have to use a public restroom at some point especially because I started drinking at 10 that morning. To my surprise they only had porta potties. I had never used one nor was I planning to but this was a completely open field and I wasn't going to make it to the nearest restroom. Needless to say, I came out of the potty crying like a baby because my experience was so bad.

By now I have lost half of you, wondering what the fuck is this post actually about? Well, now that I live with kids and do shit with kids, and kids...especially girl kids have to use the restroom a lot, I do the public John more than I'd like. I know God put me in this situation because he thought it would be a comedy; I'm sure it is.

Cue toddler potty stories.

When I graduated from school, Harleigh only wanted to spend her few short hours with me. That included going to the latrine. It definitely wasn't the best experience taking her to the bathroom in Twisted Root. I did however have a very proud moment when she lifted up her foot to flush the toilet. I don't know where she learned it or who she learned it from, but I appreciate a germaphobe. My happiness did not last long though as I saw her long flowing hair get closer to the toilet bowl. She lost her balance and I catch her. Oh. Em. Gee that could have been bad. We're gonna have to remember to wait until we are older to do that.

Once we took the girls to the circus when it came to town and it was quite an interesting experience. First, I don't remember the circuses I've been to very well, but I am pretty sure that they weren't a Mexican talent show. I was so confused by what was happening. Harleigh told her mommy that she needed to go the bathroom, but she was clearly not in the mood to take the 3 year old in a pull-up on that journey. Annoyed I told her to come on. We walked up a gajillion stairs and went swiftly to the bathroom as to not miss too much of the show.

Before we walk in, I remind myself that the CenturyLink has some of the cleanest restrooms in town. Not only is that a fact, but there were no obnoxious drunk people there to miss the toilet or puke on the seats. I walk the small human being to the closest stall and when I get into the stall I realize how claustrophobic I am. There is just not enough room in those things for 2 people. Small or not. I bend down to help her with her pants and realize I am eye level with a public toilet. I just need to move as quickly as possible.

She gets on to the seat. Shit. I didn't think about that. She had to use her hands. Her hands have now touched hundreds of "Ratchet City's" nasty asses. I can't wait until she is tall enough to teach her to hover. She sits there and talks to me proceeding to put her hands on her face. "NO!" I scream. She's shocked. I said, "We don't touch our face in the bathroom." Dodged a nasty bullet there. She finishes up and goes to flush the toilet. Oh God No. I told her I could handle it and lifted my foot to flush the toilet and get out of that stall as swiftly as possible.

I lift baby girl up to wash her hands. She turns the knob, gets soap, and rubs her hands for 0.6 seconds. You're supposed to rub your hands through your ABC's. Totally unsatisfactory. She then turns the knob off putting those ass germs back on her hands. Sigh. She runs over to the paper towels, dries off her hands and is proudly ready to leave. I grab her arm. Say, "hold on", pull out my pink and glittery hand sanitizer and teach her a lesson on OCD.

Baby on Board

2013-10-29T21:45:00.001-05:00

A few Sundays ago I came home from a disappointing Saints watching to puke 5 times in the bathroom. I was absolutely miserable. I sat up... wanted to vomit. I curled up... wanted to vomit. Shit. I tried to call for mom....nothing. Thankfully Dad walked in so I could ask him to go get the nurse I call mom. She rubbed my back, gave me a heating pad, pain (+sleep), and anti-nausea medication. Thank you sweet baby Jesus! I drifted away into a comfortable (and possibly medically high) slumber.

I continued to be nauseous for a week. I went to work thinking I was going to blow chunks on the first person I talked to. What the hell was wrong with me? Was there some stomach bug going around? I came home every night exhausted out of my mind but unable to lay down due to my raging nausea. Mom finally asks the question...

"Are you pregnant?"
"No!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yep. I had two periods (since...well). I think I'm just dying."
"I had two periods when I was pregnant."
*Confused face* "Well, I'm not pregnant."
"Steph! Diamond's gonna have a baby!"

Ugh. I am never telling anyone I don't feel well again. The bestie was more than thrilled/entertained about this non-potential child and Mom...? Mom talked about me having little Harleigh bugs...something I never want...girls. Even Dad got in on it when I tried on a pair of my jeans that I hadn't worn in a few months that wouldn't go over my ass (I broke the zipper when I finally got them on) "Hips only spread like that for one reason!" Because of eating too much ice cream? Because I am sure that is what it was.

I went out to buffalo wild wings on Saturday so I could lose my mind watching a poorly played LSU game (clearly not a good year for Louisiana football) I ate a little and drank lots of water to pee out whatever bug was trying to kill me. A couple more days went on and I continued to feel sick. I would come home from work EXHAUSTED and wanting to hurl everything I ate that day. That was it. Mom had had it. She knew I was pregnant and she was going to convince me. I laughed and brushed it off and kept reminding her that it was impossible for me to be pregnant unless I had been pregnant for a while.

Persuaded by her own pregnancy experience, mom offered to take me to CVS to get a stick to piss on. Ugh. Fine. Ill pee on your little stick and prove to you there is no parasite growing inside of me. We ride over to CVS at 10 O'clock at night and discuss what we would do in different scenarios...well the only two scenarios. If I were to be pregnant I would laugh and point with an "I told you" like phrase. If I were... I would cry and quickly slit my wrists...vertically.

We walk in the store and debate where to even find these things. Mom's logic is that they are with the tampons and pads because you obviously don't need those things if you are knocked up. Her logic was right and we were faced with the many choices of pregnancy tests. Clear Blue, EPT, First Response CVS brand...geez. Which one was the ~~best~~ cheapest? I mean you just pee on all of them and they pop up with a happy face for not pregnant and a sad face for pregnant right? They even have digital ones. No discerning between lines involved (which isn't that damn difficult). Words. They have fucking words. Just say pregnant or not pregnant.

We grab an EPT -/+ one and check out. On the car ride back home mom sucked me into a whole conversation about baby names and how I am not allowed to name my kid something ghetto. I'm not creative enough to make up a random ass name not to mention I would like to name my kid something that my Korean mother could actually pronounce. This conversation was all jumping the gun though because I knew I wasn't preggo despite mom's opinion.

I open the box and unwrap the test. I don't even have time to read the instructions because the professional pee on a stick resident was giving me verbal instructions on how to perform at my best. Thankfully I drank two bottles of water between the drive from Haughton to Bossier and back. I go to the bathroom alone (a rarity these days with 2 kids) and pee on the stick counting, "One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississipi, five. I put the stick on the counter and wash my hands. I walk out and bitch about waiting two minutes to read it. Mom and the bestie however ignore my bitching and run into the bathroom like tween girls seeing that One Direction band in the mall.

They stare at the stick and I slowly walk in behind them.

Minus sign!

Whoop whoop. Told ya suckas!

Disappointed the two walk away and the bestie says, "doesn't mean your not pregnant."

Ugh

Coffee, Chocolate, Men...Some Things are Just Better Rich

2013-09-26T21:52:00.002-05:00

Sure, I've gone out a few times. Fresh out of a...I'm not sure what to call it, but we will use the term relationship for now, I am not looking to meet another boy, man, or asshole. For some reason however, guys think that I have a sign on my forehead, or my ass for that matter that says, talk to me...I want to hear your bullshit.

My first night back home, Canada came to visit Louisiana so we could put off saying goodbye. By the time she arrived in Shreveport, I had already been drinking Skinny Girl Margarita, and Skinny Girl Mandarin Vodka with Sprite (which tastes just like Sunkist) at the pool. We went out with my newly single fiancé to the newest casino in town, Margaritaville. The show was great but not as great as the show my completely hammered fiancé was giving.

My pretty little love unconciously flirted with one of the stilted guys who we just named Stilts for obvious reasons. This Norweigen Johnny Depp look alike talked to us our entire dinner and invited us out afterwards. We never made it that far because some people just can't hang, but the story doesn't end there. The next weekend, my bestie, fiancé and I went to Stray Cat downtown. Who do we see there? Of course we Stilts and a couple of his hipster friends there. One guy dressed in a tie, vest, and fake black glasses profusely hits on me all night long. He offered to take me to dinner, but even free dinner wasn't enticing enough. I wasn't drunk enough to be entertained by him. Stilts on the other hand got touchy feely and downright possesive over the girl he that got away.

Who are these men that never quit. Is this a new breed? Guys now a days can't take no for an answer. It is like they think they are entitled to my vagina. A guy that apparently knew stilts and his friends came up and started talking to me. I politely, or as politely as I could, told him, "I'm sorry. I already have a group that I am hanging out with. You can go away, I don't want to talk to you." Instead of appreciating my straight forward response he quickly got angry and and started using offensive terminology. Seriously, you were just trying to hit on me and now I am the ugliest bitch you know? Well buddy, you should seriously raise your standards.

Again, I go out with the fiancé to meet up with some new friends on hump day. Whoop! Whoop! I'm having a good time enjoying some Makers while my love drinks a slutty on the weekends dirty martini. She sees a guy a few tables away and says, he looks like Brad Pitt. Interested, I look over and am disappointed by the choice of celebrity used to represent this guy. I question her vision and she reassures me that if I were to be a block away and see this guy that he looked like Brad Pitt. Fine. I'll accept that.

He kept eyeing our table as well as a guy in camo pants, a vest, and hipster black glasses. Oh God. It was hipster guy, friend of Stilts. I avoid all eye contact and start talking with a table behind me which seated a young man calling a man sitting at a table beside mine an asshole. As the night went on I found out the name caller was celebrating a birthday. He invited us lovely ladies to his table, but we declined. By this point Brad Pitt was hitting on me and we invited him to sit at our table. He is 12 years my senior and entertaining to say the least. He kept asking for my number but I was making him earn it.

Meanwhile, name caller decided that his friends and him were going to another bar. I gave him a hug and told him happy birthday. He says, "I know you probably won't, but text me later." and hands me his business card. Damn his pick up tactics. Challenge accepted. I continue to talk to Brad and decided he is cool enough to give my number to. Boy was I wrong.

Next Saturday while I am in bed and my phone is on silent across the room:

9:48pm - "Fuuuuck!"
9:48pm "Mmmmm...."
9:53pm "Y u tease me"
10:01pm "Ok..im out if u wanna see me later...u look beautiful"
10:02pm "Btw...i didn't txt u today cuz i wanted to see if ud text me unsolicited...yep"
10:26pm "I think u kinda playin games with me.....mayb not....idk"
10:27pm "Im at steak for a drink...this is my calm bfore the storm...bfore i get DT"
10:30pm "yep seven txt and no reply....game"
11:32pm "last txt:::::hope i c u tonight...if not...then ok"
3:26am "wow"
3:41am "ok bye"

I contemplated apologizing for not having an attachment on my body for my phone, but who the hell apologizes for resting. Plus, I didn't want to further open lines of communication with this crazy. As for name caller, he has a girlfriend. He texted me asking for pictures and telling me I dropped the ball by not waking up next to him the morning after his birthday. I needed to research this guy, I mean he did give me his business card with his full name. Obviously you want me to know more about you. I typed his name into Facebook and his profile picture was of him and another girl in a hot tub. I clicked on the comments,"such a cute couple." Seriously. And she is VERY pretty. Why are guys douchers? In fact, EVERY profile picture he had was a picture of the couple. I hope he gets caught and she chops his dick off.

Your friends will tell you, good guys are just intimidated and blah blah blah. Why do these losers have such big balls? I am apparently a magnet for crazies, douche bags, liars, and men with horrible fashion sense. Notice: I am not in the market for someone of the opposite sex, but can the next guy that tries to talk to me be normal...and rich?

Yes Ma'ams, Please, and Thank Yous: Toddler Adventures with Aunt Diamond

2013-09-24T01:21:00.000-05:00

Nowadays I spend my time sneaking around to eat ice cream.

Scene: Harleigh walks out into the living room after a nap to see my bestie and I with plain white bowls full of chocolate chip cookie dough blue bell ice cream and a spoon with gracious amounts of said ice cream shoved into our mouths. I see this minature version of my best friend and I look over and see her wide eyed.

She says with a whisper, "We've been caught. Don't make any sudden movements." I continue to to stare at her as not to make eye contact with the three year old and say the first thing that comes to mind, "Mmmm this soup is so good." The bestie follows suit and we convince this little person with a stomach ache that we are indeed crazy adults eating soup.

Sundays are supposed to be a day of rest according to some religions. Sunday around these parts however, are anything but restful. We start our day getting in some Jesus time (Charcher is what the 3 year old calls it) at 10:30 am. The bestie and I grow spiritually while we get a break from the monsters that most people call toddlers. After picking them up from the animal themed kids area, we were disappointed to find that mom and dad weren't going to take the girls shoe shopping like they had previously stated they would the day before. Damn it. That was going to be my nap time.

We headed to the Louisiana Boardwalk as a first stop because it was a beautiful 80 degree day equipped with blue skies, animal shaped clouds and sunshine for miles. We went to one store to find disappointment, but that was no problem because there was a Rack Room Shoes across the trolly track. The monsters, still tame,and cooperative, to tried on several pair of shoes. Divas. We went through shoes with sparkles, shoes with animal print, and shoes that lit up. When we found the perfect pair of shoes that fit one sister, they didn't have a size for the other.

Hopeful, I told the bestie that we would just go to the other Rack Room in Shreveport to get the girls their matching sparkly, leopard, light up sneaks. On the way out, Harleigh insisted that we stop and look at the Red River. She searched for mermaids in the what should have been named the Brown River freely flowing before buildings filled with gamblers, lights, and slot machines. I informed her of the alligators that would potentially eat her which resided in the murky waters because, as an Aunt, I am allowed to instill fear in my nieces.

When we got to store number 3 we must have needed another nap. Scarlett refused to walk dropping to her knees in the middle of the parking lot attached by an arm to her mother. "Oh God", I thought, "here we go."Almost dragging her daughter to the sidewalk, the bestie finally let go of her youngest daughters hand. Harleigh and I started to walk in when we noticed the blonde hair, blue eyed, two year old acting as if she just witnessed a murder screaming on the side walk because she wanted to be held. We all walked away, and the princess came running...and screaming.

You should have seen the stares, like we were unfit care givers. Fuck them. I have no sympathy for a child with capable legs for walking, WALKING. A child throwing a fit is no grounds for adults to gasp and gawk at the other adults that are involved with that child. Turn around, mind your business, and let us tend to ours...noisely.

Some days are like this...

BUT

MOST days are like this...

After the embarassing melt down, this child and her sister decided to try on every shoe in sight, spill an egg full of freaking rice, and try to kill each other. I was over it. Exhausted and fed up I started to do what I don't believe in doing to children...yell. "Harleigh Stop! Don't make me tell you again! Scarlett sit your butt down! Y'all don't move! Why are you doing that?! I said Stop it!" Angrily trying to catch a breath, a worker walks by and asks if I need help. Ummm yes. I need you to put all these shoes back to their rightful homes and I am sorry, but as much as I feel your pain, I want you to take mine away right now with this knife. Remember slit vertically.

Leaving with not a single pair of shoes, we stop at one final store. To Harleigh's dismay, the children were bound to buggies (baskets or carts for you non-southerners) because I, as well as their mother, refused to chase a child with unmatched shoes. I couldn't actually believe it was time to go when we actually found shoes because Hell seemed to be endless. Arriving home, kicking off my shoes, and sitting my ass on the couch was the best thing since red wine. I was completely over the day. Ready for an adult beverage.

Sister needed the tears adjusted out of her

Shopping used to be a happy past time. Grocery shopping is much simpler and involves less effort. We walk into Brookshires and Harleigh immediately has to get her own minature version of the adult buggy. I fill her basket with colorful fruits and veggies while her mother fills the adult sized buggy with the rest of the food we craved. Going up and down aisles checking things off the list I say to the three year old terror, "Come on Dr. Harleigh." (She has been calling me Aunt Dr. Diamond since I graduated and is convinced that she will be a doctor too.) Without skipping a beat and utter joy beaming out of her pretty brown eyes, she says, "Thank you for calling me Dr. Harleigh, Dr. Diamond!" Of course she was more than welcome and not 2 minutes later I almost needed a doctor after Scarlett knocked over a jar of pickled something while sitting in her buggy. Sigh. Her we go again.

Lost Weekends, Babies, and Broke

2013-09-15T22:33:00.000-05:00

When does good stuff start happening to good people?
Actually
How much bullshit does one have to go through before something good happens?

Maybe I'm not a good person. This would all make more sense.

There is always sunshine after the rain right?

Fuck this flood

I tried being positive and though I still have an inkling of positivity left somewhere inside of me, this shit fucking blows.

Ugh. I wish I could curse up a storm in everyday life. Damn those babies I live with. I can't fully express myself.

DAMN. SHIT. FUCK. ASS

Sooooooo that's how I was originally gonna start this blog post, but I forgot I was working on being positive. Here is the deal. I have a lot going on right now. A LOT and I can only ask for you guys to say a sweet prayer for me. Tonight I read this neat article (CLICK ME TO READ) about having inflated expectations leading to immortal disappointment. Something I've always known about myself. I'm that girl that deletes Facebook every summer because I feel like IIIIIIIIIII should be on the beach, but I'm not.

I knew life after graduation would be tough, but nothing could have prepared me for all the things that have happened in the last 4 weeks most that I've decided NOT to share with the public.

I feel a lot better now that I've discussed why I used to be happy before moving to hell (*reminder* Hell=Dallas) I had nothing to complain about. I had a job that I loved, I had money because I had a job, and I had a huge home...all to myself and Kiwi and Papaya.
Mostly, however, I feel better because I got to spend time with a friend who has made it in life per se. We spent several hours talking about struggles and overcoming them. Knowing someone who personally did it and knowing that it didn't happen over night and how content she is with life...that is what gave me some hope.

So I'm gonna talk about shit that I like.

Ice cream.

I'm eating it as I type. Chocolate chip cookie dough. Ice cream makes EVERYTHING better...well except for upset stomach.

Miss Kansas 2014.

She wanted to use archery as her talent. (She couldn't due to a clause against projectiles on stage.)

BAD

ASS!

Crushing candy.

This needs elaboration. I just started playing the week after my graduation, so I guess I've been going on a month now. It used to annoy me to walk into a room full of people crushing candy but when I had to go on a road trip with my temporary (I know this make sense, but it will later) boyfriend at the time and his 2 friends, I knew that this was something I wanted to try to keep my self sane and occupied. Crushed some candy and couldn't figure out what the big deal was. In fact it just pissed me off when I got stuck on a level. Then said boyfriends showed me what happens when you put special candies together. Add that new found information with mom showing me how to get unlimited lives on my phone and I hands down became an addict.

Boom. On like Donkey Kong.

Naked babies.

Babies are happy in general but there are none happier than the naked ones. They are free from the only restrictions that matter to them. Clothes. Add a pair of heels and you have one happy Diamond.

All things vintage.

Who doesn't like a blast from the past? Obviously everyone, that is why Instagram is so damn popular. I can't explain why I like old things. Probably because I worked in a nursing home for so many years and I used to get smacked on the ass (positive reinforcement?) by the old guys.

I always dreamt of being in one of these. Damn my genes for small boobs.

So I have found things that make my heart go lub dub!! Prayers, finger crossing, and positive thoughts are all appreciated. More happy posts to come soon. I mean how bad can things really get? (I immediately looked for wood.) So I'm broke and I have to cut my own puppies hair now. I think she looks cuter than ever. Go me!

Distance Makes the Heart do Something

2013-09-12T13:15:00.000-05:00

I'm not very good at cliches so I had to look this one up "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."

Here are my thoughts on long distance relationships: a preface to another post.

I am a professional at them and every time it was the guy that effed it up because I was the only one willing to do it!

Por ejemplo:

Imagine it, being 18, madly in love with your tall, handsome boyfriend and having to go to separate colleges. No big deal right? Your love can survive anything. And let's be real, the hour commute between Natchitoches and Shreveport is nothing! I was gonna be busy studying to get my biology degree, and he, well he would definitely be doing something. It was perfect and totally do-able.

So what happens? It was do-able, but his jealousy got the best of him. There would be boys in and out of my room (because I had a single roommate) and he would get mad even though I would be on the phone with him and not talking to any of those guys. Trust went out the window and finally the relationship came to its violent demise.

No worries though, soon you start a relationship with someone else. He's fun, makes you laugh, and accepts you for the crazy girl you are. One break up in between the 2 years of being together isn't that big of a deal because forgiveness is an awesome thing. So when it is time for him to move back to Michigan while you finish your degree you guys just quietly assume that a year a part isn't that big of a deal especially when there are things called planes.

Skip to that moment. He leaves you're fine and you call him everyday after you get out of work at 10pm. He is constantly going out and doesn't have but 5-10 minutes to talk to you because he is going to have fun with his friends and there is an hour time difference. Now you question your assumption. You ask him to call you in the mornings before you're off to class all day and he declines because he wants to sleep in, so fed up you stop calling. He doesn't call you back...ever...for two whole weeks!! Well, luckily for you you've been going on innocent dates with other guys because you aren't going to wait around forever. So at the end of two weeks, you call to end what's left of your relationSHIT.

So you tell yourself, this is bullshit, you can't do this long distance thing anymore just because it doesn't work. You pull yourself away from any guy that even has any kind of distance in their future.

Then you meet the guy that changes your entire life. The kind of guy that makes you start a blog about your hilarious life. You meet him and he is great (or poses to be) but he lives on the east coast and you live in hell (Dallas). You for some idiotic reason decide to talk to him every day. This isn't the kind of long distance get to know you thing you're used to. This person actually calls...seems genuinely interested in what you have to say, and hell, he's kind of cute too.

Fast forward to him moving to Dallas "for you" and now you have a live in boyfriend. You learn that starting a relationship long distance is completely different than starting one in real life. You fall for the person that you imagine them to be on the phone. Not that actual person. You in fact don't really know them no matter how much they've told you on the phone or what they show you during visits. It's an act of putting their best foot forward because they like you and want you to like them too. You imagine this person to be exactly who they say they are and when you aren't on the phone with them you imagine them shitting unicorns and rainbows out of their ass.

We all know how that relationship ended.

Do I think long distance works? I think it can but only if BOTH parties want to make it work. It is a challenge in even the strongest of relationships. There has to be trust and you have to know this person to some level.( If you start a relationship from ground zero you should probably read the first year of my blog before pursing that.) There also needs to be some kind of commitment. I mean if you are wanting to visit this person every so often, there is a commitment in that. That's hard especially when you are a commitment-phobe like me. Most importantly I learned that changing your entire life for someone who isn't willing to change some part of theirs for you isn't worth it. Every relationship is a compromise but even more so in a LD one. There needs to be some outcome. You can't just do it and see what happens. It needs to be we will do this for however long with the outcome of X. You know?

My point exactly

One Broke Southern Belle

2013-09-09T21:53:00.000-05:00

"Aunt Diamond are you NOT gonna leave?"
"No baby, I'm here forever."
"Yay!"

No more temporary. Did I just promise that? I guess I did. I guess I have to stay here in Louisiana forever or as close to forever as I possibly can.

There are some things I would like to be temporary though i.e. being broke. Do you know how crappy it feels to have your storage unit...your entire life in a metal box not paid for because you don't have enough money in your account for $37? I mean I am sure some of you do, but EFF! $37?!

I may be at my low financially, but I'm on the up and coming professionally! (thank you sweet baby Jesus. Let's hope that means moo-lah)

No more relationships with expiration dates. The next time I end a relationship it isn't going to be planned.

No more "friendships" that I need to keep just to make it easier for my life until I leave. Now I can choose who I want to talk to.

I'm a chiropractor and I'm home. All my dreams are starting to come true.

It's funny how a simple letter...someone's sweet, kind words can make your entire day...can change your mind set. I believe in me because someone else believes in me. Stupid in retrospect, but sometimes that's what you need.

Sometimes I feel like I dream too big, but tonight I feel like all of my dreams are attainable.

God has a plan for me that I have yet to figure out (thanks for the heads up Big Man -_-) But it's gonna happen

and it's all gonna work out.

Where I am absolutely broke in my bank account, I am rich in blessings.

Oh, I applied to work at Ann Taylor Loft today. I figured a discount on nice clothes I could wear to the office would be amazeballs. Fingers crossed for my last temporary venture!

Well that's all. That's my little pep talk out loud.

Tell me, What DOES it Feel like to be a Doctor?

2013-09-02T23:41:00.000-05:00

Everyone keeps asking what it feels like to be a doctor now...uhhhh the same? Worse? I don't know. I guess if I were to be an employed chiropractor I may feel different, but the current situation leaves me high and dry and looking for a temporary (I effing hate this word. Seriously HATE it.) job until I get licensed and/or figure out what I am going to do with my life.

The only cool part about be a Dr. so far is that my car insurance got cut in half. I mean that's cool. Obviously I'm a more responsible driver now because I went from Miss to Dr. right (obviously they don't know I'm half asian and ALL woman)? People are all excited telling me how much money I'm gonna make and shit and I'm just like dude, did you read my last post? I'm $207,000 in debt and I didn't even have ANY debt from undergrad! And let's be real, another D.C. (doctor of chiropractic) isn't trying to pay a new D.C. because they like to "eat their young". So everyone calm down for a minute!

I'm jealous of the people smart enough to have gotten married to a normal person before or in chiropractic school since that normal person could save up money with their normal job for their love to get out and pursue their dream of becoming their own doctor. I'm also jealous of people that had normal bad ass jobs before coming to chiropractic school and saving up money. So all in all as a doctor I feel jealous of most people....anyone with a job or any sort of money (including $5 to their name), I feel tired since I'm doing absolutely nothing but stressing, and I feel broke...because my bank account is emoty as of Saturday (could they not have continued my student loan until I actually got a job? Waaaaah!).

I question if I went into the right profession sometimes. I mean it would have been much easier to be a nurse or a doctor as far as getting a job after school. I could always work at some hospital and make a decent living to where I could start paying off student loans. When have I ever done something easy though? And no I'm not saying it is easy to become a M.D. or D.O. but damn my personality for always going against the grain!

There are some upsides to being temporarily taken care of by your second family in Shreveport. I get to sit out in the country and listen to humming birds on the porch. Don't judge, but I didn't know those things made a sound other then the purr of their wings flapping a million times a minute. They're actually quite obnoxious chirping at each other as they get nectar from an unnatural source. It's like a game to them. I watched 3 of them chase each other around before I got tired of being ate up by mosquitos (it's because I'm so sweet) all over my exposed feet. Oh, and did I mention how wonderful it is to be in a state where I can wear black skinnies and not die of a heat stroke?

Sitting out here makes filling out applications on the lap top bearable. I didn't know how much these things have changed in the past 4 years. It's like they want your first born child! What if I don't have one of those? Do they still want my kid if I adopt? *Sigh* Applications are just difficult in general. Applying to get my Louisiana chiropractic license was just as strenuous, not to mention the lady you have to contact is a huge BITCH. These people asked for my high school transcripts as if my college and chiropractic school transcripts are enough. Obviously I went to high school people! I'm surprised they didn't ask my blood type. O positive just in case you're curious.

Another up side to being in good old Louisiana...humidity. Well, good and bad. Bad for my hair, but good for my skin! I got this crazy eczema the last month and a half before I left Dallas. I wish I had the original before pics to show you how nuts and gross it was. I would wake up trying to dig my nails into my arms. I became so self concious about it, holding my arms where ever I would go. Well, that is now in the past thanks to some coconut oil, sea salt, apple cider vinegar, and most importantly humidity!

No amount of straightening could have fully straightened my hair in this humidity

Right arm on top and left arm on bottom

So I read to use coconut oil and mix it with sea salt and rub the affected area then wipe off with a warm cloth. Then squint your eyes and rub some apple cider vinegar on it. After jumping around from the slight burn smother coconut oil back on the affected area and go about your business. I did this once in the morning and then at night before bed and I had no itching throughout the day. Also putting coconut oil on before showering kept the water from drying my skin out. So after my rigorous routine for a few days, I looked like my first pic which was 100% better than it was previously (sorry for my lack of photos).

Then 24 hours after being in Louisiana I looked like the 2nd picture. After 72 hours (of my missed humidity and coconut oil), my skin is back to being soft instead of that rough itchy flaky stuff it was. In fact in the 3rd pic you can see my skin healing and growing a new soft layer!

So there is that answer. Now you know what it feels like to be a newbie in the Chiropractic field. Less itchy and effing Scary!

3 is Company, as well as 4 & 5

2013-08-30T01:31:00.002-05:00

NOTE: I was supposed to post this a while ago, buuuuut I got busy

I am the only girl in the house with 3 boys. Well I was the only girl...

How did I get in this situation? That's easy, by refusing to go month to month at an apartment complex. They charge you a shit ton when you can't sign a lease!

So here I am living in the house with a womanizer, Am Bam's boyfriend and a guy that looks like Shaggy from Scooby Doo when wearing a green shirt when paired with the Great Dane mix that also resides in this home. Full house? Wait till the girlfriends come over to stay the night!

We live in a 3 bedroom house in the lovely historic neighborhood of Farmer's Branch. Oh? You caught that whole THREE bedroom thing? Yeah 3 bedrooms and 4 people. We turned the sitting room (the room you have to walk through when you come in the house) into my room. It actually worked out pretty well. We moved a couch, put in a bed, put up some curtains and viola! a "room" was created!

Well now that Am bam has come back we are 5 people with what was 5 animals: Otto (Great Dane mix), Hadley (black Lab) Kitten (black cat), Papaya, and Kiwi until I took the unruly, evil Papaya back to Louisiana. It is just a temporary situation right? Just like everything (Ugh EVERYTHING) in my life.

Look closely, there are 2 cats!

Well I graduate next Saturday and Molly had a baby!!! I don't even think I even mentioned that she was knocked up, but now we can graciously asked her to update her blog and tell us her amazing home birth story! *cough cough Molly*

All good things always come to an end right? I can't believe I survived 3 and a half years in Dallas. So many things, good and bad have happened in my stay here. I've met some awesome people that I am going to miss dearly and I grew up...A LOT. It has been the hardest thing saying goodbye to all of my patients that I have seen go from losing all hope to seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I have been so blessed to be a part of that amazing transition!

What am I going to do? Well, I don't know. I guess keep blogging. I'm in a weird situation now. I have all of my things in storage here in Dallas and have no job lined up. I'm hoping to buy a practice so that I can start my own thing, but you never know what God has planned. I have no desire to associate with another doctor and make $38,000 to build THEIR practice while paying back 1-2 grand a month ($207,000 total) in student loans plus live my own life (I should have just went to Nursing school *sigh*). But you never know what will happen right? I may just have to be screwed in the butt hole by my own profession.

I just feel like I have a lot on my shoulders. My mom needs me. She hasn't had a steady job. Thankfully her house is paid for but her car note, our car insurance, and cell phone bills aren't going to pay themselves. So I am determined to do this on my own. Make a name for myself and keep me and my mom afloat. Talking about doing all of that is so daunting though knowing how much I am going to have to put in to get there.

I am lucky to have a strong support system. I have thought about moving away from Louisiana plenty of times, but how can I leave the people that love me and sacrifice so much for me? My bestie's mom and dad said I can live with them for a while so that will take me from Dallas in my current situation to Shreveport to live with Mom, Dad, Steph, and the two girls Harleigh, and Scarlett. I don't know how I keep getting in crazy living quarters, but I am counting my blessings because I will have another temporary place to live.

How to Get a Man and Keep One

2013-04-14T21:18:00.000-05:00

We all know that I have a gift in being in AWESOME relationships. So much so that I have been in an abundance of them!

This post is "ta' all my single ladies". The ones that bitch and moan about not having a man. I dedicate this to them in hopes that they will stop bellyaching on our Facebook news feeds. Are you ready ladies??! This is how to get a man and keep one, because I am so good at it!

Disclaimer: There are no guarantees on how long you will actually keep said man with this process. Results may vary.

How to Get a Man and Keep One:

Be super smart!

Read books. Books = knowledge

Drink like a fish

Come on, dont just stop at one glass, drink the whole fucking bottle. You're so much ~~easier~~ hotter when you do that!

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Learn how to cook and do that shit

If he is Canadian, Mac&Cheese will make him fall in LOVE

Couples that play together stay together, so learn to work out

Plus, hard work pays off

Leave things to the imagination. Wear lots of clothing

Or Not

ALWAYS wear A LOT of make-up. You never know when a camera will be around. Especially yours

Kissy face is important but not as important as the duck face

Take forever to get ready. You HAVE to look perfect!

They love watching you get ready. Seriously. It's sexy. Do it as long as possible

Follow sports

No one has time to watch that shit especially when you are doing the bullet above. There is an app for that

Be emotional. Guys aren't mind readers. They need to know how you are feeling

But mostly

Be interesting. Make EVERYTHING dramatic

You're dream isn't to be a princess. It's to be the mother fucking queen. Be the damn queen!

Get a hobby and share it! Shopping is a good one

That's right. Shop till you drop WITH HIM!

Be super clingy. Guys like to know that they are wanted

The key is to hold on and squeeze and never let go. They don't need to do anything without you attached to them...literally.

There you have it. Follow these few rules and you'll have a guy in no time! Probably get married even!
As for the guys on your social media talking about finding a boo-thang, punch them in the gonads the next time you see them. We don't need them procreating more whiny men. No one wants to hear a guy bitching about not having a girlfriend. I barely want to hear it from girl.

Youre welcome,

Started From the Bottom

2013-04-04T22:55:00.000-05:00

Dear Drake,

Stop. Just Stop.

-Me

Happy late Easter yall! I've been meaning to make this post for a while because well...this Drake guy annoys the living piss out of me. There should be a rule as to how many Canadian musicians are allowed out of that country at once. No offense Canada, but Justin Bieber and a Canadian rapper named Drake were the worst ideas ever. I mean, that doesnt even make sense-- Canadian rapper.

Let me be clear. I am not being a "hater." I just don't understand how someone like Drake is starting from the fucking bottom. If you have been living under a rock or you just don't listen to this crap called rap music you have absolutely no freaking clue what I am talking about. Let me bring you up to speed.

<--- That guy is Aubrey Drake Graham

<--- He used to play this wheelchair Jimmy guy on the show Degrassi in his younger days

He is also to blame for the term YOLO (you only live once...as if I thought I was a fucking cat or something) and for this song:

For those of you who don't want to engage in the Tom foolery above here are the lyrics to the song:

[Chorus]
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now my whole team fucking here Where are we exactly?
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now the whole team here, nigga
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now my whole team here, nigga
Started from the bottom now we're here
Started from the bottom now the whole team fucking here

[Verse 1]
I done kept it real from the jump
Living at my mama's house we'd argue every month I lived at my mom's and argued too. Weird
Nigga, I was trying to get it on my own I'm still trying to get it on my own. I mean I live on my own...
Working all night, traffic on the way home Traffic. Tell me about it #Firstworldproblems
And my uncle calling me like "Where ya at?
I gave you the keys told ya bring it right back" My uncle lives states away so I guess you got me on this one
Now I'm on the road, half a million for a show
And we...

[Chorus]

[Verse 2]
Boys tell stories about the man Are we talking about the people that "are out to get" black people? Were there even slaves in Canada-land?
Say I never struggled, wasn't hungry, yeah, I doubt it, nigga Struggling in Canada is different from struggling here. They owe less money to other countries
I could turn your boy into the man Dude does magic tricks now
There ain't really much I hear that's poppin' off without us, nigga The party don't start till you walk in? Ke$ha already claimed that
We just want the credit where it's due
I'ma worry about me, give a fuck about you Thats nice
Nigga, just as a reminder to myself
I wear every single chain, even when I'm in the house Do you feel like you are going to be robbed or something?
Cause we...

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
No new niggas, nigga we don't feel that
Fuck a fake friend, where you real friends at? I'm still trying to figure that out
We don't like to do too much explaining Most people don't
Story stays the same I never changed it
No new niggas, nigga we don't feel that
Fuck a fake friend, where you real friends at?
We don't like to do too much explaining
Story stay the same through the money and the fame At least you're consistent
Cause we...

[Chorus]

So what have we learned here?

Drake lived a pretty decent life

I mean yeah he was raised by a single parent, but who isn't these days?

Starting from the bottom in Canada-land is like starting half-way to the top in the states

being a childhood actor on a popular show as a teenager does not equate starting from the so called bottom

If you actually started from the bottom, this song is probably highly offensive

I'm offended and I only started lower than Drake. Not even close to the bottom

I would like to ask Drake to spend time in an orphanage before he ever utters the words, "started from the bottom" again. I would also like to say that this Easter holiday proved YOLO wrong. I'm pretty sure Jesus rose from the dead and lived more than once. Suck it Drake. Jesus lives =)

A Little Bit of This and a Little Bit of That

2013-02-20T13:48:00.000-06:00

As promised here is my post about my furniture re-do.

If you remember, last year I redid a nasty dresser I found in the dumpster and turned it into the beautiful dresser that holds 1/4th of my wardrobe.

Still pretty!! Don't mind the crap on the floor :/

I am so happy that there is a such thing as a Pinterest because every time something devastating happens, I have a project to make me happy. This project just happen to fall into my lap at the same time my car died...well played baby Jesus!

If you follow my Pinterest you know that I have all these unoriginal ideas to incorporate into my apartment or any future small space. My pinspiration is rather old. I have been searching high and low for a cheap bookcase to turn into a storage bench so that I could have extra seating and...well...storage. I thought Ikea would be my best bet since the pin used the billy bookshelf from the store. To my surprise, Swedish people apparently value their book storage because that shit was kind of expensive. So I gave up looking.

Pinspiration

Then, one night before the car debacle, I spotted a BIG old wooden entertainment center. I tried retrieving it myself, but alas, it was awkwardly shaped and hard to carry myself. I called in reinforcement and Am Bam helped me get it into my house.

Gorgeous right?

So while my car was at the morgue called the mechanic, Blonde Bombshell and I went to the new Wal-mart down the street from my house to grab some supplies. I wasn't sure what I already had at home so we got:

Paint
Paintbrushes
Sand paper
Paint thinner
Fabric
Twin sized mattress pad

Picked out a lovely color and some fun fabric!

First we had to take off those pesky little doors

Caution: Girl with a power drill

Saving these for a later project

Then we sanded

Until we realized that would take forever. So we just skipped to the fun part. Paint!

This is after the first coat. We did two.

We were literally watching paint dry. So we took on another project:

This is when we finally used the paint thinner

Anyone from Centenary remember these chairs from the dining area in Hardin hall?

College memory revamp!

Finished project!

Papaya supervised

We then let everything dry overnight...outside. Bad idea.

Thats bird poop =(

BB took on the feat of making the cushions during her free time so I did some randomness like

Hang out with puppies

Buy baskets for the bench @ Ross

Go to a Mavs game

Get Gianni Binis for $31.50

Side tracked. Sorry. Back to those cushions!

Dilemma. Trying to figure out how to make a twin size mattress cushion fit on the new bench

Sewing Machine. I need one of those.

Use your centenary education to figure out the dilemma. Two cushions!

Make sure the cushions are comfy

Two finished cushions thanks to the Bombshell!

TA-DA!!

Diamond tested and Papaya approved!

Boom! New storage bench that is ALLLL me and I only spent $50!!

Until the next time

Love is in the Air

2013-02-18T19:53:00.000-06:00

Appropriately, I want to tell you guys about my new love for my February post since Valentine's day is the theme of this month...or maybe I should tell you about African American history... that's boring. Anyway you need to catch up on my life before I can tell you about either.

First of all let me say Valentine's day is stupid. All of these girls on Facebook saying, "oh isn't he so sweet he got me flowers!" Actually, you'd be pissed if he didn't get you shit. He is just staying out of an argument because for once, he is smart. And really, getting the same shit other people get on the same damn day isn't really special. Get me a gift on a random day because you were thinking of me. Now that's sweet, but you gotta love commercialized holidays.

ANYWAYS

2 weeks ago at movie night I left before the movie ended because I wasn't feeling well. I hopped in my little Honda and turned on the heat. I was 5 minutes away from my house when my heat all of the sudden went out and started blowing the freezing cold air outside. I kept driving thinking my old car was just being weird, but when I exited I just heard a lot of clanking happening under the hood. I barely made it inside the gate of my apartment complex when I saw smoke coming from the car. I parked my vehicle, took everything out,and walked to my place.

The next day Am Bam came over so we could call AAA and have them tow my car. We sat in the car goofing off while I drank a lot of water, drank kombucha, and took cranberry pills like it was going out of style for what I thought was a UTI. The tow-man finally came and prophesied that the repair to my car was going to be in the $2000 range. We get to my mechanic and drop off the car thinking my radiator was the issue. Amber and I got 10 minutes up the road when my mechanic told me he found the problem and to come back.

My report of findings wasn't good. I needed a new engine because all that smoke was my camshaft melting off from not having enough oil since I had an oil leak. Ugh. I wasn't even up for my oil change yet! I was told that it would be cheaper to replace the engine than to try and fix the camshaft alone. A new engine? After I put in a new transmission last year? With tears in my eyes and confused about what I was going to do, I left to go get a sympathy lunch with Am Bam.

I caught rides from people and was loaned cars mostly from Canada who was in Canada-land for boards. Without a car that weekend the blonde bombshell kept me entertained with a furniture re-do project that I can't wait to blog about! In the meantime, I kept getting sicker and started having pain in the middle of my back.

Pain aside, Am Bam and I went car shopping the next weekend. It was exhausting going from one place to the next being dissatisfied with the selection I was given for cars under $10,000.
My mom was the money supplier so we skyped all day to look at cars with us. When I finally found the one, things got complicated. Who would have thought it would be so hard to get money from Louisiana to Texas on a Saturday? I ended up having BB buy the car for me on her credit card and pay her back. Of course nothing can be easy when it comes to me!

So yes, I have a new love. He's gorgeous, reliable and is easy to ride (grrrr). I'm completely head over heels with my new car. Hopefully it will bring me nothing but joy instead of all the pain that the Honda gave me. It's been a match made in heaven and I must say I haven't been happier! As for being sick for 3 weeks, well turns out I had a kidney infection. When it rains...

Whoop whoop! Thanks to my friends for helping me and to my super awesome mom who would give her left arm to make sure I'm ok!

New Years: When Will a Southern Belle Learn?

2013-02-02T23:54:00.001-06:00

Happy New Years!

2012 was full of lots of adventure and y'all lived vicariously through my blog posts. Although my year started off bloody and broken, it ended happily with me watching one of my best friends marry her best friend (awwwwwwwwe). Thank goodness the events that happen on New Years Eve don't foretell the rest of the year.

This New Years I wanted to stay in my bed and bring in the year by staring at the back of my eyelids. Unfortunately, none of that happened. My personal Canadian and I were convinced to go out to the Grenada Theater to have midnight festivities. I think the Grenada would have been nice. Yea...that's right would have been.

Blonde Bombshell suggested that I hang out with her and her boyfriend for New Years. His friends were doing a show at the Grenada and it appeared to be a fantastic idea. No one wants to be a 3rd wheel to a party so I decided to suit myself up with a Canadian as a date. That ~~morning~~ afternoon, I rolled out of bed at 4pm to do something with my life. I narrowed my NYE wardrobe down to 3 dresses, classy, LBD, and that sequin panty hose from last year. I sent out several texts with my options and of course sequin panty hose dress won by a longshot. I did my hair, put on a crap load of make-up, and took Kiwi out in preparation for this wonderful night.

After arriving to Canada's house with numerous shoe options for her feet, I put on some eyelashes and drank a huge glass of water. The key to NOT having hang overs is hydration and vitamin B. We ordered pizza, listened to country music and drank some strong rum and coke. I should have predicited how well the nights plans were going to pan out when I called the blonde bombshell and found out at 8, that her boyfriend was drunk and not ready. At around 9, Canada and I decided we were just going to go over to BB's house and drag them out.

I got there and was introduced to fine whiskey, beer, and champagne all at once. Now, the reason why we needed to leave in a hurry was because blondie wanted to ride the DART train so we could get completely smashed and not have to drive back. We now know better in retrospect.

We hopped into the mustang and drove over to the dart station where we were about to miss our train. Canada graciously bought us day passes so we could run like hookers in high heels up 3 flights of stairs. To our dismay and increased heart rates, we missed our train. Another one wasn't coming for 20 minutes so we had to wait cheerfully. Thankfully it wasn't too cold outside. We made the most of this time for photo ops and random conversation with others waiting for the next train.

The next train arrived completely empty which was fantastic because, well, I hate crowds of people. We each got our own seats, conversed, and drank our alcoholic beverages that were contained in water bottles and sonic cups. At one point we had to get off and switch trains which nearly gave me an anxiety attack because there were so many people that could possibly touch me. Canada maneuvered me so that I would be around the least amount of people when she realized that my cute little purse was leaking. That's right, I was spilling rum and coke into my purse, on top of my cash, and on top of the electronics. Sweet baby Jesus must have been looking out for me though, because the electronics were just fine.

Everyone on that train seemed to know something that we didn't know because they ALL got off on one stop. We however, remained on the train and attained seats. BB had already figured out what station we needed to get on so we had to make another train switch. After going through a tunnel downtown, we arrived at a station where we needed to do the switch. At this point BB and her boyfriend are conversing about changing up the plans entirely in which I get frustrated because the damn DART was taking waaaay longer than I had expected. We dangerously (not really, but kinda) crossed over the tracks when they decide to go back to the original plans. So we cross again in which Canada yells that she was getting on the next train with or without us (she was pretty frustrated at this point).

We finally arrive to our destination with not a single person around at 1130ish. At first glance, none of us knew where we were, but then I recognized a shopping center (go figure) that I had been to several times. This unfortunately meant that we were far from our final destination that needed to be walked to in 4.5inch heels. Canada at this moment recognizes that our runner friend is in the comedy club across from us. We walk up the stairs and I was instructed to talk to the man at the front door. I quickly explain our long night and that I just wanted to be somewhere when the clock struck midnight. He said we could be there and those were the only words I needed to hear.

We were all admitted at a discounted price, because let's be real, we weren't going to be there long...got drinks at the bar and waited on the nice gentlemen to set up seats for us. At 1145 we are FINALLY somewhere. Finally. We watch the last few minutes of the show, are handed party favors and rang in the new year with one another. Our other friends joined us once they found us in the club and we took the opportunity for photos.

Afterwards Canada and I refused to get back on that fucking train. Our Parker friends offered us a ride home and we were not declining. BB and her boyfriend did go back on the train as they knew they would be uncomfortable in a 2 door car with 7 other people. We were home by 1am.

The next morning I left Canada's house with mud on my heels, a bruise on my calf, and dollar bills that smelled like rum. I bought groceries with damp rum money by the way and it worked just as well as dry paper smelling money.

BB's boyfriend told her that our adventure probably wasn't fun for the single, non-coupled people. He was right. I would have cared a lot less if I had someone to make out with too (No offense Canada, but that just wasn't happening). Next year, I am following my gut and staying my ass in bed.

PS blame Canada for me not having more pictures...She has the camera...HINT HINT COUGH COUGH

J.O.B.

2012-12-14T21:26:00.001-06:00

I am a total slacker on this blog, but I am super busy. Not really. Just super tired.

I just want to tell you how insanely broke I am. Like, it should be illegal to be this broke, or I should be supplemented by the government (Yea right, hard working woman with no money receive help from the government? Puh!)

Currently, I am looking for a J.O.B because well...life costs money. You don't believe me? Part 3 and 4 boards are coming up and they have to be paid in January as soon as I get my loan check. You thought I was going to tell you that it cost me my head right? You're wrong. It only costs about 2 arms and a leg. That's right $1900. Uhhhh How am I supposed to pay rent again?

Exactly

So I've been on a job hunt and let me tell you that is going as great as my recruiting patients into the clinic to graduate (currently 0 of the 15 recruits I need have been achieved). I've applied to what feels like everywhere, but my clinic schedule (9-7) is deterring people from hiring me.

Last tri I decided that the best place to get a job is at the strip club...waitressing people! Geez get a grip. I've been to the titty bar before with friends on different occasions and quite frankly women walking abound topless isn't that big of a deal for me. It's like changing in the locker room or living with my mom. Anyways, I know some people that know some people, but the nice club I have been to and wanted to work at wasn't hiring. Womp Womp. So I tried another one that a friend of mine worked at when she lived here. Couldn't be too awful right?

I went to go pick up a girlfriend (just in case it was sketch) to apply in person and I could smell the vultures on us. We walk in and the front girl who was as rude and dull as all get out handed me an application. I filled it out and she told me to go inside to the bar. Thank God I didn't go alone because this was an experience that needed to be shared.

My friend walks in ahead of me when the front girl says that I am the only one allowed in. So I walk in past a mini stage with a pole attached and saw all kinds of goodies hanging out. My eyes immediately darted to the bar so I wouldn't be distracted by...the cookies in the jar. I sit at the bar and this guy walks over and sits next to me with a plate of food. We spoke while I waited on the waitress manager.

Now I was dressed in my clinic clothes so I looked a lot fancier than anyone in that joint. The man asks if I was there to get a job. I replied yes and he proceeded to ask which job, "Bouncer, waitress, dancer?" I joked that I was a shoe in for the bouncer job in which he responded that I looked more like the dancer. When I crushed his dreams with my aspirations of just becoming a waitress, he tried to convince me to be like the topless woman in a purple thong on the main stage who seemed to be absolutely and insanely high.

By this point the manager walks over and pulls me aside for the interview. The interview process went something like, "How old are you? Do you have reliable transportation? Are you comfortable with the uniform?" At this point I'm just thinking, this is a piece a cake! Nailed it!

So we part ways, say goodbye and I walk out to see my more than ready to leave friend at the door. We walk out and share our experiences in which I was told that the girl on the mini stage...(you know the one with her stuff out) had a green thong wrapped around her leg with dollar bills in it. Ok, so she was showing her noonie cat. Then she told me that the woman was siting on the stage with her legs wide open in front of a man's face and her hands in her netherlands.

Oh God. This just took a turn. And now you are all...well, what did you expect?! I'll tell you what I expected! Panties! I have never been to a titty bar where they took off their thongs! In fact, I think that is a rule in Louisiana!!! It is called titty bar for a reason! The emphasis is on the T-word. Honestly, I just don't know if I could be around vagina all day. No fret though, the club never called me back to work there. The strip club doesn't even want me.

So I am continuing to be jobless with and moneyless. If you would like to donate to my eduacation and living Id gladly set up a paypal account, but alas I do NOT see anyone being that generous.

Merry Christmas Yall!

Thankful

2012-11-18T15:10:00.001-06:00

Last night I had a typical (eventful) Molly and Diamond night out and about in the town. As the night came to a close, we started talking about the random things that have happened to us in the past. So I decided to share some of the ridiculousness that I have called my life...because I'm pretty sure ridiculous is the only adjective appropriate to describe my past, present, and future.

You may or may not know this, but Shreveport, La is like a mecca for shooting movies because it is tax free to film movies in Louisiana. My sophomore year of college, a film crew came on Centenary's gorgeous campus to shoot an ABC family movie and use some of the students as extras. As this was during the summer break, I was in Leesville when I got the call to be an extra. It was a paying gig so I was all about it.

I drove back to Shreveport and decided to stay with my boyfriend at the time until the job was over. On the first day, my job got upgraded from extra to Stand-in for Tessa Thompson!

Tessa Thompson in all her gorgeousness!

It was a pretty awesome deal especially since the pay was also upgraded. Literally I stood around, hung out with the other stand-ins and ate a lot from crafty 12hours a day. This also meant that I would have to be on set more days with the weekends off. I was going to be driving back and forth to Shreveport on a weekly basis.

On the set of Initiation of Sarah 2006

One weekend in Leesville, my friend Beth and I were at a car wash when my power steering in my car went out and I went straight into a 3 inch steel pole (No, I wasn't driving! I had just let off the breaks and couldn't turn my steering wheel). Now I was carless and needed to be in Shreveport on Monday. My dad had a little Ford S2 that he offered to let me drive, but the gas gage didn't work. He told me exactly how much gas it could hold and how many hours I could drive before it would need to be filled up. With that in mind, I had plenty of gas to make it to Natchitoches (half way point between Leesville and Sherveport) before I would need to fill up and make calculations.

At 6 am, I could see the Natchitoches lights ahead of me. At the same time, the truck started doing strange things. No matter how hard I pushed on the gas, the car kept slowing down. Great. Finally the car came to a stop on the side of the highway. Not only had I wrecked my car previously, but now I was out of gas, in the dark, on the side of a highway. I immediately called my boss who yelled at me for, I guess being irresponsible.

Now a man in an F150 drove up to my car and asked if I ran out of gas. I told him yes and he asked me to get in his car. At this point I was thinking, nothing could get any worse right now, so sure. Why not? I should definitely get in this total stranger's car. He drives me passed three gas stations and pulls into a hotel parking lot. Fuck. This is it. Today is my last day alive. I am getting raped and my body is going to be tossed out to some gators. We walk inside and sit in the lobby when he goes, "I know this is creepy, but I actually own this hotel." Yea dude, just got super creepy. Now no one will find my body! He assures me his son is coming down stairs to help me out and thankfully for me, that was the truth. His son takes me to a gas station with a gas can in tow and fills my car up and refuses to let me pay. Whew! Definitely dodged a bullet there!

The story doesn't stop there. The next week, I took my parents BMW because I refused to have the same situation occur again. One day I woke up with the hugest headache. I went to the bathroom to splash water on my face when I saw it and gasped.

Actually after the epi-shot. I don't have a real before picture as I was concerned about oh you know, dying.

My face was swollen and I could only assume that I got bit by an ant because I am allergic to their bites. My boyfriend offered to drive me to the hospital, but my hard headed, independent self refused and went on my own. I drove straight to the military base because I was on Tri-care. After waiting in the morning line to get onto Barksdale, I made it over to the hospital just to find out that they don't have an emergency room. The ER was only used for real emergencies. I yelled at the nurse about my allergy, but she still shoed me away. Here I was...in a town I didn't know that well, driving around with one eye in my parents luxury vehicle. I turned on my hazards and sped off to find a hospital with an actual ER somewhere.

I was frustrated and in a lot of pain. To make matters worse, no one respected my hazard lights! I FINALLY get to a hospital futher than I probably needed to go and couldnt find a damn parking spot. I pulled up in front of the doors where a man was cutting the hedges. I politely asked him if there were a closer parking spot than across the busy street. He condescendingly asked me if I were to pretty to cross the street and that it wasn't that far of a walk. Ok. Now I'm pissed. I threw off my sunglasses and yelled, "I only have one fucking eye and it is dangerous for me to cross the street right now!" Appalled by my swollen face, he told me to leave the car right there.

I did as I was told and walked into an empty ER waiting room. The only person there was an old blind guy and his stick. I waited what felt like an eternity for someone to show up at the check in window and no one did. Pissed, per usual, I walked into the hospital halls and searched for someone who could help me. I found a guy in a white coat, took off my sunglasses, and explained my situation. He immediately rushed someone over to the ER to check me in. Now, as the blind guy was there before me he went first. I was seen a few minutes later where I was stabbed with an epi-pen after the doc heard wheezing in my breath sounds.

Some prednisone steroids and benadryl later, I was feeling back to my old self and the day was finally saved!

So you see...randomness has always followed me, but I have had an amazing life regardless of all the "ridiculousness" that occurs and for that I am thankful!

Someone Told Me Pictures Are Worth 1000 Words

2012-10-29T23:46:00.002-05:00

Im slacking in the blog department. Mostly because I am so freaking tired.
Clinic you are draining me
and killing my adrenals.
Seriously.

Before I go back on my weekly bloggery here is what has been going on:

Clinic camp - I went away for a whole 24hours to a Christian Camp in the middle of no where so I could get to know my "pod mates" (a group of classmates assigned to one area of the clinic) better as well as get to know my Staff doctors.

Oh you were wondering how this went?

Ummm It started at 545 am

We had to do like an obstacle course where we climbed up telephone poles, sweat, used critical thinking skills to finish challenges, sweat, swing on ropes, sweat, let out our deepest emotions, cried, sweat some more, and used cheerleading skills to get people over walls.

All in all it was a good experience, but I was so glad to be back home in my own bed and away from people that want to hug me every five seconds. I hate being touched.

Working in the clinic. You know? Adjusting people. It's been awesome, mostly because this is what I absolutely LOVE to do!

Yea, I know. All these are BAD examples of what actually gets done in clinic.

Stressing out about Part II and PT Board scores. (I PASSED!!!!)

Singing Karaoke

Tweeting randomness. I have a Twitter! Follow me @dimepiece337

Watching people sky dive from space

Painting shit

Going to concerts

Dressing Up

Yes, that is Lil Wayne

And living my awesome sometimes ridiculous life!

Canadian Bacon

2012-10-08T22:42:00.002-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving Canada. Way to steal the shine from Christopher Columbus.

As you may remember, I have my own personal Canadian. Also, if your mind serves you correctly, you know that Canada is weird.

Well in order to segregate themselves even further, they celebrate their own Thanksgiving. What the hell? At least get a different name.

Today as we celebrate Columbus day, Canadians are breaking out the Canadian bacon giving thanks for the land not freezing over and killing all the crops.

Actually, I don't know why they really celebrate Thanksgiving and they obviously don't learn that in school because my Canadian had to wiki that shit. So here are some interesting facts about Thanksgiving in Canada via wikipedia:

Similar to the United States, traditions such as parades and football (which is not real football) can be a part of Canadian Thanksgiving
Canadian Thanksgiving coincides with the U.S. observance of Columbus Day and has done so since the United States implemented the Uniform Monday Holiday Act in 1971
The first Thanksgiving Day was observed as a civic holiday on April 5, 1872, to celebrate the recovery of King Edward VII (who was the prince at the time) from a serious illness.
In its early years it was for celebrated for an abundant harvest
The first Thanksgiving in Canada was celebrated 43 years before the pilgrims landed in Plymouth, Massachusetts

Names I suggest Canadians use for Thanksgiving:

Harvest day <-- because that makes the most sense
Thank God it Hasn't Snowed Yet So We Can Eat This Winter day
Pilgrims and Indians are Child's Play day
Snow Kills Crops, but Not This Year day
Plymouth Rock Deez Nuts day
Earth's Bounty day
Fuck Christopher Columbus day
Canadian Bacon day <--- because 'Turkey day' is OUR thing
Let's One Up The American's by Celebrating Thanksgiving First day

Your ass just got educated and you're welcome. Happy Thanksgiving day Canada. I hope you don't freeze you're asses off like I did this weekend, though it's inevitable that you will. Enjoy your Canadian bacon, Mac&Cheese, and Canadian beer.

Tomorrow I plan on celebrating Leif Erickson Day since the Canadians stole Columbus' thunder. It sounds like a better idea anyway. Plus, I imagine Leif looking like Chris Hemsworth. Now that is something to celebrate.

Leif Erikson day never looked so good.

Happy Thanksgiving Yall!

Outside Looking In

2012-09-09T20:48:00.000-05:00

Lately I have been CRAZY! I've been stressed out to the max with financial constraints, testing for clinic, ~~studying for boards~~, going to seminars, and ahhhh! So needless to say that I lost my mind...and my car keys for the day. Molly picked Kiwi and I up because Kiwi had a hair appointment and Molly had an appointment at the Genius bar at the Apple store. While waiting on some customer service at the Apple store, we decide to google how to break into a car and found a video on Youtube. It took the guy less than 2 minutes. Simple enough right? Less than 2 minutes! We can do this!!!

Well after a day of shopping, leaving Kiwi at Petsmart until 8:50pm and eating and drinking Mojitos at Cantina Laredo, we decide to break into my car.

Lessons learned:

1. Beer makes everything better
2. Lots of guys think they can break into your car
3. Breaking into your car is harder than it looks on youtube
4. No one will call the cops on you even if you have a coat hanger and stick it down a window
5. The cops can't help you...not that they care
6. You can use a string and a knot to unlock your car
7. Molly and I don't know how to tie a good knot
8. Slim Jims (not the food) are illegal to buy
9. The fire department will break into your car as long as its before 11
10. Honda was or is the most stolen car so they seal the window well (no rain in the car!).

Always a Bridesmaid...

2012-08-27T21:57:00.000-05:00

Maybe I won’t get married, you know? Maybe I’ll do one of those Eat Pray Love things….

Ugh. No, I don’t wanna pray. Forget it.

I'll Just die alone

- Mindy Kaling

This break has been nothing short of amazing and slightly stressful, not to mention it is going by too quickly! I need to catch you guys up on life as I have been slacking since I haven't had much to avoid lately.

I went back to Shreveport the first few days of my break since my little Scarlett was turning one. In Korea the first birthday is a pretty big deal, so there was no way I would ever miss my niece's "you survived your first year on Earth" party. I also got to hang out with some old friends and it made me miss Shreveport a ton or maybe just the good company I was with. I'm not sure. Regardless, I realized that I need to make a decision on where I am going to set up shop soon because there is a world full of people that need my help and influence.

Happy first birthday my blue-eyed princess!

She kept wanting to get on the table to get adjusted. I think that is one smart 2 year old already knowing that her nervous system needs to be subluxation and interference free!

While I was away, Elle Woods and Molly went wedding invitation shopping. Molly's engagement photo shoot was coming up and Elle suggested that I "style" the outfits that Molly and JC should wear. Everyone knows I love fashion, and I definitely have my own style; I was super excited to take the sweatpants and t-shirt wearing girl, into the fashionable counterpart of a very Southern gent.

Sorry. I have yet to fully introduce my lovely girlfriend to you all. Yes, you saw us eat popcorn on my bed and scroll the internet at 3 am after the bar, but you know little about this love of mine.

Facts about Molly:

She is from Homestead, Fl. Never heard of it? Just travel an hour south of Miami....yea, I thought Miami was the most south you could go in Florida too.
She used to be an amazing dancer (not the kind with a pole guys). Even though she may not know how to drop it like it's hot, she is a dream to dress in clothes because most everything looks good on her.
She is home-schooled. Though she may be smarter than the rest of us public school kids, her knowledge in pop music sucks.
She loves to sleep. I have never met anyone that could sleep until 2 in the afternoon until I met this girl.
She is always late. Reference bullet above.

Now that you actually know Molly, I feel like we can move on with this post. She asked me not too long ago to be a bridesmaid in her upcoming December wedding. Of course I said yes because my identity depends on being a bridesmaid...again. Since she is a laid back kind of girl, she is letting us pick our own dresses as long as they are navy and having us wear cowboy boots. Awesome? I think so! I have no qualms about being a bridesmaid for this bride because her ability to become a bridezilla is slim to none.

Thursday was the day of the shoot and I had been doing nothing all morning. I was getting ready to go to my appointment to get adjusted when Molly tells me that she was picking props up for her shoot at 5:30pm in Mckinney. It was 2:30pm. Why was she running around picking up props at 2:30 the DAY OF her photoshoot? Because she didn't wake up until 2 O'clock of course. She asked if I could help her with a project before the shoot and insisted I not skip my appointment to help her. I left Parker's student clinc at 3:45 and although I don't regret going to my appointment, I regret going to my appointment.

I get there and the girl is NOT dressed, has on NO make-up, and is JUST finishing straightening her hair. Great. We have 45, an hour at the latest to be out of the house. She puts me to work cutting up brulap in to triangles and stapling them to a string to make a thank you sign (I assumed this was a Pinterst find). I also needed to paint the words thank you in blue paint. Hmmm...45 minutes...let's go!

Needless to say the project wasn't finished in 45 minutes nor was Molly ready. We scramble around like crazy people because we realize that JC's car is at Logan's and Molly's car is inoperable. Ergh. We had so many things to pack up so I say that we take my car just for the sake of being on time for once. Everything gets thrown in the car and I am sitting in my own back seat with balloons and other props, burlap and some paint. We make our trek to Mckinney as I stupidly paint burlap in the back seat with my favorite dress on that I have only worn once prior to this. You see where this is going right? Yea...blue paint on my orange dress...go Broncos!

After I finish whining about my dress, I complete the sign and push it aside. Molly takes a crazy turn and the sign and residual wet paint get on me. Le sigh. The photo shoot went well however despite the mosquitos, the stickers (the ones that come off of plants), heat, and our being late (she is going to be late to her own funeral). She thanked me with a steak dinner and a lot of I love yous, so I couldn't be too mad. It all comes with bridesmaid territory, especially when you are the only bridesmaid in state during an event. When and if I ever get married, all my friends that I have been a bridesmaid from have another thing coming. It's called payback!

And this girl thinks she doesn't look good in yellow. Pah! Crazy!

My friend Amber and I had a chit chat about all this getting married vs. being single thing. After great debate have settled with the idea that we may just be alone with each other and our cats that will have out survived our beloved dogs. We have decided that we will be in the club in our 90s yelling, "that's my shit!" when Back that Ass up comes on and droppin' it like its hot with our wrinkled behinds. Well...I won't be wrinkled she says because I will always have good skin since I am half black and asian. She said that she will be wrinkled with leather skin though because "white people don't wear sunscreen." Oh man I love that girl!

Before I forget! I watched a new show today that stars Mindy Kaling (chick from The Office) called The Mindy Project. I think it may become my new favorite show since Private Practice is ending this season. I know that I will become an Addison Montgomery one day, but Mindy is the Diamond of her 20's and I love it! I'm sure she too is always a bridesmaid.

My CDs are in his Truck!

2012-08-14T23:10:00.000-05:00

"Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason why women are crazy is because men are stupid." - George Carlin

I know that I have clarified this subject once in Women are Crazy, Men are Stupid post, but I feel like with all the stupidity I have seen, I need to REclarify. Ladies, we need to do better. Men...well what can I say for men. A lot of curse words come to mind.

So I have this friend, he...he has been mentioned before. He was the yang to Elle Wood's yin in her cray cray relationSHIT (reference The More Boys I Meet the More I Love My Dog). He is a good guy deep down inside. I just know it. I mean, I'm a bitch to him most days because it's funny, and yet he still shows up to my birthday party with no complaints and does me favors. A guy like that can't be all bad. He however, SUCKS at relationships. I think it's because he's immature in that department...or immature all together. I know, you are ready for the point of this tale, so here goes...

Let me introduce to you my friend, ~~Douche~~-~~bag~~ ~~Dick~~ ~~Damien~~ Ahh...Yes, Damien the Douche (thanks Elle). So, he for some reason is the cream of the fucking crop with the ladies around these parts. I mean, when trying to hook up another friend with a pretty girl at our school one must first ask, "has she hooked up with Damien the Douche?" 99.99% of the time the answer is yes. This statistic really baffles me. Boggles my freakin' mind! Maybe it's because he isn't my type. I can't figure out what it is. Whatever is in his pants must be able to do magic, because it just doesn't make any sense to me.

So, his current situation is with these two gorgeous girls. We will call them Jailbait and Naive. I really like them both. My only issue with Jailbait is the obvious. I mean she's 18 as of a couple weeks ago, but as we are to be doctors in a year, I feel like we should be dating people that can actually come out and drink with us at a bar. Plus, I was 18 once. Life changes quickly. The last thing this chick needs to do is be tied down to a douche. As for Naive, well that is the thing. He can walk all over her. That doesn't make for a healthy relationship, but no one listens to me so, whatever.

He ~~was~~ is was dating them both. Well he was dating like 4 girls. All of them brunette and all of them with the same letter first name. Oh! And lying to all of them about every damn thing he could. I told you...douche. Now, I don't have a problem with dating multiple people. I encourage it for young people. I however, don't condone sexing multiple people at a time or making them believe that you are exclusively dating them. Put your cards out on the table: Hey I like you and I think your fun to hang out with, but I am seeing other people and I am not ready to be in a relationship. Guys, I know you think that honesty is a sin, but trust me...you would date less crazy people if you were just honest up front.

He narrows it down to two girls and is friends with both on Facebook, but has his privacy setting so neither finds out about each other. <--- Professional douche. We (his roommates and I) are all in on this. Let me tell you, it is hard to keep up when both girls names (actually all 4 of them) start with the same letter...I had to remind myself who Jailbait was every 30 minutes at my birthday party just so I wouldn't say the wrong name. After a lot of coaxing from us, he breaks down and tells the girls about each other. I got to witness part of the aftermath with jailbait, but this didn't change their minds about Damien the Douche. They still came over to see him...and do other stuff knowing that the other girls was doing the same.

He knows that he needs to just choose, because these girls were now starting to fall for him. And he...well he "says" he is falling for the two of them. He can't just let one go because "he can't deal with hurting one." So tensions raise as he continues to date...and er...yea...both girls. He then...this was the killer, tells Jailbait that she is not the one. That he wanted to be with Naive. So he pulls a Trey Songz "Last Time". Fast forward (later that day) to 9pm.

I hear Damien and a girl come in. I say hey to Damien and look at the doorway and see a brunette girl with her face away from me. I assume it is Jailbait because it's her 18th birthday (and she was just there that morning) and say hello to her also. The face then turns around and says, "wrong one." DOH! I get the evil eye from Damien and vow to never say a name without seeing a face.

Now the next time I am over there studying, he comes in with a girl and goes straight to his room. There is some arguing going on, but we all ignore it. Finally there is a "don't touch me" and a slam of a door. He comes out of the room after her and I say, "dude, leave her alone, I will go talk to her." At this point, I know it's a crying Naive, and I go over to try and talk sense into her. No haps. She tells me that she saw him texting Jailbait lies about where he was when he was with her. WTF?! She finally calms down and returns in the house to stay the night.

Later and the next day I yell at Damien for his stupidity. For dragging two girls hearts around and giving them a complex. He truly fucked up this entire situation. Even if he decides to ever have a relationshit with one (which he has now decided should be Jailbait), the trust has already been abused. They're gonna be crazy, wondering where he is, who he is texting, if he is telling the truth...etc! He says that he would be cool with that, but for how long dude?? That would get ANNOYING! Then he would regret picking one and would want to be with the other because that would have been the right choice. Nope! She would have just done the same damn thing.

Come on Guys? You don't see how YOU make US crazy?! Now these girls will have issues trusting the next guy because of all the BS they went through with all the Douche-bag Damiens in the world! Oh but ladies don't think you get off easy. They only do this shit because YOU LET THEM do this shit! If I was either one of these girls and knew one of them just stayed the night the night before me, I would be
O.
double U.
T.
OUT! You wanna know why? Because I have self respect. I have self-esteem. And I fucking LOVE myself!

I know what I deserve. And it ain't no two timing, lying, can't make up his mind, tanning too much, PRICK! Stop making excuses to stay with this dude. You can't change him, and if he says he is gonna change, well honey you better be patient 'cause change it ain't gonna happen over night.

How dare I just go there and say you don't love yourself or have any self respect and esteem? Well girls, actions speak louder than words. There is an old saying, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" If you are going to let this dude mess with you knowing he is messing with another girl, then you had issues of your own before this guy ever screwed with your head. We need to have a come to Jesus pow wow. He is never going to think you are worthy of a relationship if you don't think you are worthy of a relationship. Lay down some laws sister. Why would he ever want to settle down with you alone if YOU let him think it is OK to be with you AND someone else?! Chew on that.

The best part about all this is after everything...BOTH of them are still around. If I was Damien, I would get tired of defending myself and arguing with these bitches. He needs to let both of them go, or they both need to drop him like a hot potato. Funny man Dane Cook spoke of these kind of girls before...Enjoy the video and learn a lesson from this post and grow ~~some balls~~ a vagina!

If said girls would enjoy pay back: Click here!

Shake it Like a Polaroid Picture

2012-08-08T20:18:00.004-05:00

Ok, so if you saw my Facebook statuses a few weeks ago, I promised everyone that I would "shake it" if my friend Vestal won the student senate election as president at our school. Plus, I was a little upset that the Jason Aldean Luke Bryan concert sold out in 5 minutes meaning I couldn't shake it for good ol' Luke. Well my very dear friend won president, =/ So I had to keep my end of the bargain. I've debated on whether I should really post my congratulatory video, but after a lot of coercing from friends, you now have entertainment.

Now, before you push play there are some important things you need to know.

A.) The original video is of a girl dancing to whooty...that new word I introduced to you a couple of weeks ago. (if you still don't know, youtube the video after this)
B.) This is a joke. A spoof of the Whooty video
C.) Yes those are cowboy boots
D.) Tara, this post means that I obviously love you...**SIGH**

Straight up Tom-foolery right? I'm pretty sure you weren't even watching me as more distracting things were happening. That chick can do some amazing things with her bum!

Thanks to my Am bam for helping me make this video and laughing the ENTIRE time I was shooting.