Somewhere Between Who I Was And Who You're Making Me

Espwa Berlancia, Meet Operation Love The Children Of Haiti.

2012-02-13T08:07:00.001-06:00

For the past several weeks, months even, I have been struggling. Struggling with why Espwa Berlancia wasn’t living up to the dreams that I had for it. Struggling with the fact that, for days on end, no one would come to be tested. Struggling with the fact that I didn’t feel like I was able to use the resources that God, and all of you have richly blessed me with for the good of the Haitian people that I so desperately want to serve. Mostly I have been struggling with the fact that there is a new little girl in my life who I love more than anything else. More than Espwa Berlancia and the dreams that I came to Haiti with.

There is a passion within me to help Haiti as a whole but there is a tiny little Haitian girl who’s well being consumes my every desire. A calling above all, to be this baby’s mommy!

There are things that I am embarrassed to admit right now, judgments that I passed many times before. Who do people think being a parent is SO hard, just “do” it. Put your baby in their bouncy seat and wash the dishes. Stick them on the floor with some toys and answer your emails. And then the single moms, I thought they were the worst complainers… WAKE UP CALL! Annabel likes her bouncy seat in bouts of nearly 10 minuets tops. We don’t have a swing… Tummy time is torture time. Last week I sat next to her in the backseat of the car to keep her entertained during a long ride. Oh, I can’t count how many times I judged other parents for doing that. I guess now I’m a part of the club!

As the realization became more and more clear and my heart began to shift I knew that I needed to truly think about the future and what that means for Espwa Berlacia, what it means for me and what it means for Annabel. It didn’t take me long to realize that something had to change. My passion for putting in 100% of myself into that project was no longer there but my passion for the work that we set out to do is still very much alive. I needed to figure out a plan.

God put many potential paths before me, several that I got excited about. Some of them really got my hopes us. Many of them seemed “perfect”.

I had no idea what do to and so I decided to stop trying and start praying. Through a few broken dreams and some serious disappointments God finally let me to the path that He had planned from the very beginning.

Operation Love The Children Of Haiti is a Creche located just down the street from me. I have loved spending time with them since I moved here and I have developed some wonderful, strong friendships with the ladies who serve there.

Yesterday I had a meeting with Jasmine, the director of OLTCH. We sat down and discussed my fears, I poured out my heart and desire to her and through that conversation God spoke to both of us, He had prepared my heart and my skills to be some of the very things that OLTCH needs at this time. Even more amazingly, Jasmine and I spoke about Espwa Berlancia and our hopes and goals. She expressed that she has also had a passion for HIV in the past. There was no doubt that God had ordained this meeting and this relationship.

Espwa Berlancia will continue. I will stay in Haiti, the place that I love, crave and was created for. I will continue to pour myself into being the very best mother that I can possibly be to my little Bel. All of this will happen because of God and because of His beautiful mission called Operation Love The Children Of Haiti.

On March 15th my lease for this house is up. By that point I will need to be moved out and into my new home. OLTCH has a piece of land where they have constructed temporary shelters. They have offered to build a home for Annabel and I on that land! It will take just a few days to construct but I need to raise the funds to pay for materials needed.

$2,500 is what I need. That will provide Annabel and I with a place of our own to live and work in.

When I move to OLTCH I will be helping primarily with their adoption paperwork as well as doing some fundraising for them. In addition to that Jasmine and I will be working together to figure out how to incorporate Espwa Berlancia into their mission.

I am so incredibly humbled and blessed that God has made so clear to me the path that He has chosen. I am excited to learn my new roles and get to know this amazing group of people and kids.

I hope to see you all join me in this new chapter of growing, learning, loving and being, in Haiti, as long as My God allows.

If you would like to help with the cost of constructing my new home please donating here!

Always Changing

2012-02-05T14:29:00.000-06:00

It seems like nothing in this country ever goes as planned. God uses Haiti to grow and change people and sometimes the growing pains hurt.
Please, be in prayer for me over the next few days as I learn where God is leading me, Annabel and Espwa Berlancia.

My New Kitchen

2012-02-01T22:55:00.001-06:00

A few weeks ago I had an awesome visit from two wonderful friends. Melanie and Emma came to spend 3 weeks with Annabel and I!

We had so much fun visiting and catching up while Annabel got seriously spoiled with all those arms ready and willing to hold her.

I got a little extra sleep while the ladies took turns getting up with Annabel (although she is a great sleeper) and was able to catch up on a lot of things that I had been putting off since she was born.

By far the highlight of the trip was the gift that Melanie and Emma brought along to bless us with.

Before leaving Canada they did some serious fundraising and were able to gather enough to purchase a refrigerator and stove for the house! Up until now I have only had a small cooler to keep food in and have been cooking over charcoal in the back yard or on an electric hot plate.

We were able to buy both the fridge and gas stove in Port and a wonderful friend with a pickup truck delivered them for us!

It is such a treat to have cold water to drink and yummy meals prepared. We even made a SPAM pizza one night, delicious!

I am so thankful for the willingness of these two sweet friends of mine in coming to spend time with Annabel and I and for everyone who donated to make this AMAZING new kitchen possible.

Thank you so much, gals!

The Going Rate

2012-01-29T16:56:00.001-06:00

She is 3 years old.

Kissable cheeks, scarred by years of neglect and streaked with tears.

Eyes, dulled, listless.

She crawls into my lap and I feel her heartbeat against mine.

Thud, thud, thud… a story of pain, of searching, of hopelessness.

I look at her face, at her little hand in mine, her tiny toes. I hear a whispered promise… “I will give her a future, hope”. A statement, “I knit her together”. A declaration, “this one is MINE”.

I look at her face, at her little hand in mine, her tiny toes. I hear an offer… “You like her? Give me $1,000 and she is yours.”

Today, the going rate of a life in Haiti is $1,000. I know because today someone tried to sell me a perfect, precious little girl, for $1,000. A life, a future a CHILD, for $1,000.

I try to wrap my head around it… A human being… a thousand dollars.

Everything inside of me screamed to grab her up and run away, to shield her from ever, EVER knowing that someone could possibly put a price tag on her.

One thousand dollars… less than the cost of a car, a vacation, an airline ticket, maybe less than the cost of the computer that you are sitting at right now.

I think about that baby girl, how much more she is worth than the temporary treasures that this world sells. I think about her falling asleep tonight with no idea that someone, somewhere loves her. I know it’s true because I love her.

This little girl is one of many “for sale” in Haiti today. The business of buying and selling human life is sickening and it happens way more than any of us realize. Today the stories I have heard came to life in the breathtaking face of a child.

I think about $1000, how I would gladly pay that, and more, to make sure that she knows how precious she is. But it’s not that simple and life here is complicated. I can’t “buy” children no matter how much I want to rescue them.

So I sit here, stuck in a very hard place, praying with all my might. I pray that someday, somehow that baby girl grows up to know that she is worth so much more than $1000, worth more than all the diamonds, rubies and gold in the world. I pray that someone teaches her that she was bought, not with a currency of this world, but with precious blood.

Sweet little girl, I close my eyes and I see your face. I am so sorry for the life that you are living and the pain that you feel.

Baby doll, you are PRICELESS.

Adopting Annabel

2012-01-19T22:28:00.003-06:00

Even though I am blessed to be living in Haiti and having Annabel with me during our adoption process, I know that this time will be difficult and unpredictable. I have already seen the heartbreaking side of losing a child that I thought would be mine forever. Haiti has laws and rules that make it almost impossible for me to adopt my precious little girl. Thankfully, I have met with a wonderful lawyer who has helped develop a great adoption plan and I am trusting that God means this little girl to be mine forever.

Annabel's birth mother and I went before the judge in November to sign papers giving me custody of Annabel here in Haiti. This is not an adoption, but it does give me physical custody of her and is a very important step in the adoption process.

I have also had her birth certificate issued.

My next step will be to have a home study done so that paperwork can start being prepared for IBESR (Social Services here in Haiti). During this time I will also need to apply for residency in Haiti, my lawyer has advised me to have that in place before we move forward with the adoption.

Once the home study is finished we will need to prepare the dossier. That's the home study plus all of the other paperwork required by Haiti to approve the adoption. The cost of the entire dossier, including the home study and residency is approximately $5,000.

To officially start the adoption process I will need to come up with that amount.

Once that is all done I will need another $7,000 - $10,000 for the in country fees, passport and visa process.

Wow, those are some big numbers! Thankfully, my God is bigger!

I have been racking my brain on how it's even possible. I have especially struggled with the idea of asking for donations towards the adoption. I don't want to ask someone else to pay my bills, I hate it. I have a part time job working here in Leogane for a private contracting company, I put everything I can into our adoption fund but it is becoming obvious very fast that I will never be able to save the money on my own.

There is a group of women in Minnesota who make beautiful quilts. Breathtaking. Just the idea that my daughter could be covered with one of their creations is a blessing. The idea that she would also be covered in the love of all of those who cared to help us build our family? Well, that's almost beyond comprehension.
Blessings and blessings and blessings...

And so, I've decided to ask for your help yet again. For each donation of $5.00 or more made to our adoption fund you will be invited to send a message, prayer or scripture for Miss Annabel. Each message will be turned into a square for her quilt with the name of the friend who helped to bring our family together. The ladies will put them all together and during their time of sewing the women will be praying for Annabel, Haiti and our family. This quilt will be something we will treasure forever and it will be a beautiful, tangible way to remember those who love Annabel Kay!

I'm placing a chip in button here and on the sidebar of the blog, please, if you are donating towards the adoption fund use the chip in and not the paypal button. Please also add your prayer, scripture or message in the "notes" area during the "checkout" process.

If you would like to send a check you can mail it to
Espwa Berlancia
PO Box 16803
Alexandria, VA
22302
Please put Adoption Fund in the memo and include your personal note for the quilt.

Good News!

2012-01-16T18:15:00.001-06:00

Hip Hip Horray!

Annabel had another HIV test today.

She had a test at 6 weeks and I retested again at 8 weeks to be sure.

This little cutie is NEGATIVE!

Praise The Lord!

The Lord your God is with you. He is MIGHTY to save. He will take great DELIGHT in you. He will quiet you with His love.

Right Where He Belongs

2012-01-12T11:33:00.001-06:00

Well, I’m doing it. I’m surviving, even thriving, in some ways. I play with Annabel, I clean the bathrooms, I fill out paperwork and I put band-aids on all the hurts that knock on my gate.

Gup is all moved in, back with his Mom and Dad. He left the 27th and we have been working on getting them situated ever since.

The good news is that I was able to find them a house super close to mine. This is the view out my bedroom window.

See that wooden building with the tin roof there in the center of the photo? That is Gup’s family’s new house! There is just one house/tent between us.

I am able to walk and visit several times a day, if needed. However, I have to force myself to remember that I can’t go there several times a day, I can’t even go there every single day. I need to give them time, as a family to find their new “normal”. Still I go often.

Last week I went and stood in the doorway, amazed, in praise to God for keeping His promise to me. A promise that He would hold my baby when I couldn’t… Gup and his big brother sat on the floor while their mother read to them from the Bible. Later in the week I visited and found them all gathered around the TV, watching a praise and worship DVD and singing along.

My baby lives in a home that is teaching him to love Jesus. Above all else, more than the pain of missing him, I have joy. Joy that my boy will grow up in a place that teaches him Truth, a place that knows the hope and the future that our God promises.

I can’t tell you it doesn’t hurt. There are moments that literally take my breath away when I am hit with how much I miss him. I do everyday things and then just stop… wishing he was here, remembering what it was like when we were a family. But, there is an underlying peace that can only come from The Father. I am not hiding in bed all day, I don’t cry all the time, I’m not falling apart. Not because I didn’t love him but because God has given me peace. God has given me the GIFT of peace. At first I felt guilty. I SHOULD be falling apart, I SHOULD be lying in bed all day, so broken that I couldn’t face the day. I SHOULD have felt the way that I was supposed to feel, how the world told me to grieve. But then I remembered a whispered promise, “we do not grieve like those who have no hope…”. He was mine, only for a short time but God is claiming him for our forever family even now. Someday, we will be together in a place that never changes, a place where there is no goodbye. God has his hand on my Gup and He is guiding his steps. I don’t have to feel guilty for trusting my Father to take care of my baby. I don’t have to feel guilty for not grieving in the way I am “supposed” to. I don’t have to feel guilty on the days that I get up and smile and laugh.

I don’t go on because I didn’t love him enough to hurt, I do it because My God loves him, and me, enough to wipe that pain away.

Christmas {In Photos}

2012-01-01T22:24:00.002-06:00

Christmas day the kids and I had a great morning at home, opening stockings and gifts. I splurged for breakfast and bought Gup and I a can of SPAM to go with our pancakes and eggs! Yum!
Matching PJs from Nana and Grandpa.

We were so spoiled by everyone at home who sent gifts. Thanks Sharon, Randy, Jesse, Sandra, Nana, Grandpa, KJ and a HUGE thank you to the Deputy Family for bringing it all in for us!
^{Gup’s “big” present was a Little People Airplane, he was impressed!}

When we finished up we headed over to OLTCH for church and an all day Christmas party. There was SO much fun going on, Gup didn’t know where to look or what to do first. We ate and ate and ate some more. We played games, did crafts and watched the Christmas program. There were presents for all the kids and nannies and more eating!
It was such a wonderful day, a perfect first Family Christmas!

2 Suitcases

2011-12-27T21:44:00.000-06:00

At this point in my life I’m really good at packing. I can fit an unbelievable amount of stuff into a small space.

Tonight’s packing is different than any other.

Tonight I am packing Gup’s things for his new home. Tonight, after I read him his last nighttime story, held his hand while he repeated after me, “now I lay me down to sleep…” Tonight, after his very last bath and the last time I kissed his forehead… Tonight I sit in front of 2 empty cases and try to figure out what to send him with. His clothes of course, a few shirts he just unwrapped 2 days ago. I haven’t even had a chance to dress him in some of them. He has 2 snugglies that he sleeps with every night, he will need them when he is trying to fall asleep in that new place. I will send them but selfishly I want to keep one. I want something to sleep with when he goes, something that smells like him, something that he used to hold. I add them both.

Blankets, towels. Today we received a big box from Joe and Jill, it had 2 huge packets of diapers. Throw them both in. Cups that have always been “his” snack bowls, favorite treats. Toys… so many toys. For each one I add, a thousand memories. For each I don’t send along, a thousand feelings of guilt. I want to send it all, every single thing that fills up his home here, I want him to have there. And then there is the part of me that can’t imagine sending it all away. The living room will feel too empty, too clean. I need his things around me, I need to trip over his cars and stub my toe on the airplane he left out for the thousandth time. I want a part of him with me when he is gone, but I want to send all of me with him when he leaves.

I put in an extra tube of toothpaste, his little toothbrush and comb. Shampoo, soap and baby powder… I try to think of everything. I know I’m forgetting something. How could all this life, all of these memories be piled into 2 bags, sitting by the door, waiting, glaring at me, reminding me of what is about to happen.

Now the packing is over. The last bath, goodnight story, rock in the chair in the corner and bedtime prayer. The last tuck in and kiss on the forehead. I turn out the lights but I don’t leave… I sit along the wall and watch in the dim light as his chest rises and falls. I sit and I cry, it’s ok because it’s dark, he can’t see me. I sit and I watch and I pray for time to stop but it doesn’t. The seconds pass and then from the other room Annabel starts to fuss. My other baby. She needs me now and so I turn around a close the door. I wipe my eyes and I go to her… I rock her in the chair in the corner, in a room that is too quiet and too clean. I pray over her head and I with every whispered breath I thank God for His sovereign plan and for the strength He has promised. I thank Him for the gift of 430 days to love and hold him. Most of the time I thank Him, I try not to blame Him… I’m doing pretty good at that, but sometimes I fall down, sometimes I get angry, sometimes I scream out cause it all sucks so bad.

Tonight I go to bed and 2 suitcases sit by the door, much different than any other time I have slept with packed bags waiting for a journey. This time morning will not bring scurried excitement, dashing off the the airport and flying away to a place I call home… This time home will be further away than just a car ride or a flight, this time my home is further than it ever has been, held in the heart of a little boy who does not understand, while he sleeps and dreams away the last precious hours.

He Was Mine

2011-12-25T22:37:00.004-06:00

THIS NEED HAS BEEN MET! THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!

I want to post about Christmas, it was beautiful. This morning was literally something out of my little girl dreams, holding my baby daughter on my lap, laughing with my little boy while he discovered joy with each gift revealed. We splurged on a special breakfast, fried spam, eggs and pancakes and then off to OLTCH Orphanage. We were blessed to have been invited and I was incredibly thankful to have my friend Lydia, who is a great photographer, capture some moments. I am waiting to get those treasures from her.

At around 3 this afternoon I was called to the gate. Standing outside were Gup’s parents. It was the first time I had met his father. Because of a lot of confusion and dishonesty in the past I had a much different impression of this little “family”. Today I met him and he has the same ears that I love to whisper into.

For the most part Gup looks just like his mother but today I saw him in the face of a grown man. A face that I alwasys thought I would someday know. Theirs is a story that I wish I could share but I am still so hurt and angry, I will not do something I will someday regret.

Instead I will only say what I keep telling myself… I promised to come to Haiti to do everything in my power to keep families together. It seemed like a great plan, it is a wonderful, much needed work. But, I never imagined that in that committing to that, I was committing to tearing my own family, and heart, apart.

Family, what does it mean? How is it built? Is he any more theirs than he is mine, just because he has their eyes, ears, their blood in his veins? What about the fact that he has my laugh, that he eats his toast just like I do, that he shares my memories. It’s hard to figure out and impossible to define. What I have come to accept is this, if my son grows up to learn that his mother and father are married to each other (rare enough here) that they have two other children together, that they wanted him and I kept them apart, he could very well hate me. He would have every right to be angry. Who am I to think that I could raise him better? How could I compare and claim that I love him more? This is something that I have to do for them, for him, for families!

I hate that they were broken apart for all of those months. I hate that they missed so much time together, all of them. I hate that he missed them and they missed him. I hate that every single day that I loved him was a day that they missed. I hate the circumstances that lead to this place but I don’t hate them. Sometimes I want to, sometimes I want to think horrible, judgmental thoughts but I fight them back with all that I am.

I can not hate his father for leaving to find work because if I hate this one I hate all the others, all the fathers and sons in this country who are forced to leave their families to try and provide for them. I can’t hate him and claim to love the rest of them.

I can’t hate her either, the woman who’s baby was starving to death. I can’t hate her for “abandoning” her child. I can’t hate those women who are convinced by someone that they best thing they can do is give their child away. I can hate the system that tries to fix by breaking, but I can’t hate her.

He left to do what he had to do. She gave him up because no one took the time to tell her that she didn’t have to. They made the choices and decision that they knew, and now things are different. Now they still struggle but most of the time they eat. Life is still hard, it probably always will be but they have made a new decision now, now they have decided to that their precious son belongs with them. I can’t argue with that.
If I have any regrets it’s only that I didn’t know sooner. Even though it would have meant missing precious and life changing months, I wish I would have known. I wish I would have known how hard he tried. I wish I would have know how desperate her love was. If I had known I would have done something then.

I can’t go back in time, I can’t fix what I didn’t do but I can now. I can do everything in my power for my son.

Unfortunately, “everything in my power” isn’t much at all.

Gup’s parents live in a small shack/home in Carrefour, a city not far from Leogane. When I visited my heart broke. I know he belongs with them but how could I send my baby to that place? I spoke to them about my concerns. They told me that they rented the “building” for 2,500 gourdes, just over $50usd for 6 months. In January their lease is up. They are prepared to renew. I asked them to wait. Could we find something better. What would it cost. For a mere $500usd I was able to find a clean, 2 room home with a covered outdoor kitchen and bathroom. I want my baby to live there, I might be able to handle the thought of my child sleeping in that place.

Their belongings are meager, a few pots, a table, a bed. They will need things to fill their new home, I want more than anything to give them to them.

There are 2 other boys in the home, a 6 year old and a 3 year old. The 6 year old goes to school with money his father made selling all of the chickens that he was able to collect, somehow.

I want to be clear in telling you that this family has asked me for NOTHING. Nothing that is, except their child back. I want to give them everything, mostly I want to give HIM everything. I want my baby boy to live in a home that is comfortable. I want him to eat when he is hungry and I want him to go to school and learn! I want to give him all of it but I can give him none…

My job is running this organization, unfortunately the paycheck that comes with it is a bit less than nothing. All of the money that comes in from my other part time job goes directly into Espwa Berlancia. I can not take money that was designated for something else and spend it on whatever I want, no matter how great the need feels in my heart. I need you, yes YOU. I need your help. Wideline, Gereald, and Gup need your help.

My son’s brothers need your help.

We need $500. to pay for their rent for a year.

I need $300. to buy furniture and supplies for their home.

I need 3 people who are willing to sponsor each of the boys for $25. per month to pay for their food and care.

I need your help. I am begging. If I could get down on my knees before each of you and ask I would. My heart is breaking over losing my boy and not being able to do anything about it or anything for him. My heart is breaking over their struggles. My heart is breaking because they had to give him away, and because now I have to give him back. My heart is breaking because I gave him things that taught him to expect a different life than they will give. Every single second my heart feels like it will shatter into a million pieces. I know that buying them things will not make this hurt go away but it might make it feel just a little more bearable.

If you will help me, I just might be ok.

If you can help Gup’s family please send me an email rhyanbuettner(at)espwaberlancia(dot)org.

I Just Call You Mine

2011-12-21T16:02:00.001-06:00

There is a country song that I just love, I don’t have it on my ipod so the only time I hear it is when I’m in the US and listening to the radio. Every single time I see his face… I hear the words and they were written for him and I.
My baby. MINE. For more than a year I have held him, poured my heart and soul into him, loved him like I have never loved before. For more than a year he has been mine.

For more than a year before that, he was hers. She held him, gave him everything she had to give, though it was far too little for what he needed. For more than a year, before I loved him, she did. He was hers.

Today we struggle, two women who love this precious child. One, who gave him life. One, who has been there to watch him live it. One,who thinks about him every day… wondering and wishing. One, who wakes up to his kisses each morning and sees him grow. One, he knows, the other a stranger. Both gripped by love.

Today that love hurts. More than anything has ever hurt before. It aches and rips my heart into a million pieces because today, she told me she wants him back.

Please, don’t judge her! Please! Pray with love. Yes, she gave her baby away. No, I don’t know why. It doesn’t really matter, does it? Because she did, I got the greatest gift of all. Because she did, I became “Mama”. Because she did, I am who I am today.

If she takes him back I am no less “Mama” I am no less me, the one I have become. My lessons are learned. Should he go, I will still be me, but broken. I will be me, missing him. It doesn’t seem right. It doesn’t “fit”. But it is constant.

For a while he was hers, and then he was mine. Now, he might be hers again but above all he is His, he has always been. God, who loves him more than I ever could, who hates to see his babies cry. God, who holds me and Gup and Wideline all in his hands. Who knew our story long before it began. He planned this, Who chose this for me. I can not sit here and tell you I like it but I will accept it. I can do it because I know that life isn’t meant to be fair or easy to happy all the time. Sometimes mom’s can't have their babies with them. Sometimes kids are hungry and scared. Sometimes it all just sucks, yes, painful things suck, but God is still good.

I have to believe that my God is good.

Oh Lord, please be good to my baby. Please, oh please… should you chose to give him to another, hold him for me, for the rest of his life. My heart cries to you, oh God, PLEASE, let me keep him and if you don’t, oh Lord, keep him for me!

Wideline and I have been to court over this twice now. After the last session I have very painfully decided that we will not go again. The honest truth is, she is his mother. So many things have come to light in my meeting with her, so many reasons that make me believe that there is a chance, a hope, that he might be ok. I might not, but he will. The decision has been made. Wideline has agreed to wait until January to come again but when she does, as far as things stand now, Gup will leave to go home with her. We are still working on logistics…perhaps starting with short visits back and forth while he adjusts. I have even offered to have her come and live here for a while so he can get to know and love her again, after all, she is still a stranger to him. How can I send my baby away with a stranger??

I have hope that this situation, while as awful as I could imagine, might be as smooth as possible for my little boy. After all, he is who this is all about. I may cry my guts out when he’s not looking but while he sees I will smile and hug and kiss and remind him, over and over again how beautifully precious he is! I will do everything I can while I still have the power, to remind him of God’s love. I will continue to teach him to pray, to hold his hand, laugh over his silly dance moves. I will rock him to sleep every single night even though I stopped rocking months ago. While I can, I will hold him close.

Please, pray with me. For my heart, for Wideline’s but most of all for Gup. My heart is breaking but it will shatter if I know that he is hurt. I need him to be ok. Hoestly, I need him with me, but I need him for me. If I am half the mother I want to be I will do what is best for him, not for me. If I am to be the mother he deservers then I will do the very thing that hurts me the most, but gives to him the best. I can do it... I can do this but I don't want to!

Oh, God, please don’t ask me to do this!

Out Of Words?

2011-12-21T15:50:00.000-06:00

When I started blogging it was to record and share an incredible and what I thought short, trip to Haiti. Almost 4 years later I’m still here. Still on this incredible trip. Still sharing. But sometimes I feel like I’m out of words, like there is nothing left to say. It’s not true, there is still a lot to stay, more than I could ever write but I’ve found myself in a slump. A place where sitting down to type feels forced, fake and frantic.
Maybe it’s because I am not shocked enough, maybe it’s because all the stories start to sound the same. Maybe it’s because I am just downright tired and discouraged in my work right now. For whatever reason the words aren’t there. And if they aren’t there I will not force them. I will not shoot out dramatic stories that are just meant to fill up space. When I invite you into my journey and the lives of those around me, I do not do it to make sure that people stay interested, to keep them reading. I do it because I genuinely want you to know. I want to paint you a picture, I want to to taste and smell and hear what I do. If I can’t do that right I will wait until I can.
Maybe it’s just a bad case of writers block that I need to work though
I won’t leave you totally hanging though…
How about a peek at how much this little boy loves his “Banabella”

What Is In A Name

2011-12-20T06:02:00.000-06:00

Sweet Annabel has been so wished for, so loved. Before I knew her, I wanted her. Before I held her in my arms I loved her.
This is Anna. (She doesn’t blog anymore but you have to go back and read through some of her older stuff)
She rocks!
She loves the heck out of Haitian kids. She and God have loved the death right out of quite a few. Anna has an incredibly unique gift for special children and as long as I have known her I have looked up to her.
To me, naming a baby is an incredible honor and I always swore that the first little girl I named would mean something. I had no idea it would be my very own daughter. Annabel Kay is named for 2 of my very favorite people in the world.
For Anna, to see my little girl grow up to love fiercely like Anna does would be every mother’s dream. To have a child with the grace and compassion of my dear friend would bring incredible joy to my heart. As I try to guide her though this life I hope that I can use my sweet friend Anna’s example! Annabel for Anna!

Her “Kay” comes from my mom, who’s middle name is Kay. Annabel was SO close to holding out and being Nana’s birthday baby, just a few hours short! Still, the Kay fits. My mom has been incredible, my entire life. She has never been anything but supportive when I’ve done crazy and stupid things along the way. She let me follow my dream, even though it meant going thousands of miles away. Even though it’s almost impossible to think of her as a “Nana”, Annabel Kay will grow up with the very best one I can think of.

And so, for my Annabel Kay, I pray that you grow to be kind, adventurous, forgiving, loving, passionate and incredible, just like those two women are. And, above all I pray that you will grow to have a radical and steadfast faith in The Father, the kind that they possess!

Annabel Kay, 1 Month Old

2011-12-18T17:13:00.001-06:00

I cannot believe my baby girl is growing up SO fast! Because Gup didn’t come to me until he was almost 2 years old, I missed all of those first little moments with him. I am determined to recognize and cherish the fact that this time I have with Annabel is a gift.

At one month old Miss Annabel weighs 9lbs 2oz. She is still in newborn diapers and most of her newborn clothes, although I find myself packing more and more away each day.

This month Annabel took her first trip, up to Thommasin for American Thanksgiving. While we were there Miss Joyce got her to “smile” for the first time. Since then I have gotten tiny little quivery smiles but nothing big yet!

Right now Annabel is learning all about facial expressions and it is absolutely adorable! Sometimes when I am talking to her she will close her eyes and raise her eyebrows at me like she’s really excited, I love it! She is also discovering her hands, starting to suck her thumb and always sleeps with his little fits curled up by the left side of her face!

This first month of Annabel’s life has been amazing and wonderful! She is the best baby, sleeping well, eating like a champ and always happy. I am so incredibly blessed to have 2 amazing kids to love, hold and experience life with!

You Make Me Melt Like A Popsicle On The 4th Of July

2011-12-04T09:10:00.000-06:00

Or, in the case of Haiti, December!

Cause I know Nana is dying for some more Annabel

2011-12-03T22:10:00.000-06:00

And I happen to think that she’s pretty adorable too!

Wood Mike

2011-12-02T14:47:00.001-06:00

THIS NEED HAS BEEN MET! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

This little boy is Wood Mike, he is 5 years old.

Wood’s mother recently tested positive for HIV. We were able to refer her to a clinic in Port Au Prince where she is receiving further testing and wills soon be put on an ARV treatment plan. Thankfully, Wood has tested negative for the virus!
Before she got sick Wood Mike’s mother purchased a uniform and books for his schooling but she has been unable to pay the tuition for him to attend. If she does not come up with the money by next week Wood will be forced to leave school.
It would be heartbreaking for Wood Mike’s mom to receive yet another blow. She wants nothing more than for her son to get a good education, to have a hope for his future. She told me she is scared because she doesn’t know if she will be there when he grows up and she wants to give him all the chances she can now, she wants to make sure that he will be ok. One of the ways she can do that is to make sure that he is able to attend school for as long as possible.
During this time of year it is easy to say that money is tight, holidays can be draining financially but I wonder what it would do to a family to have one less present under the tree, and a photo of a boy who’s life will forever be changed in a frame?

The tuition for Wood Mike’s school is $300usd for the entire year. The full amount must be paid next week for him to continue to attend. Is there anyone out there who would be willing to sponsor Wood Mike? You will receive photos, a letter and school reports as well as a million thanks from me. I can’t think of any greater Christmas gift to give Wood’s mother than to assure her that her little boy is cared for and loved!
If you would like to sponsor Wood Mike please email me at rhyanbuettner(at)espwaberlancia(dot)org and let me know!

World AIDS Day

2011-12-01T21:00:00.001-06:00

Today the world recognizes HIV and AIDS. Today people will hear about a disease that most do not understand. A disease that has a stigma that for some, is worse than the illnesses that it causes.

There are people all over the world and even in your own country, who live in fear every day of being found out. Knowing that the ignorance of those around them means that they must hide their status.

In Haiti that stigma is huge, Espwa Berlancia fights against it every day. I have several boxes of vitamins that I have tried to share with local women but none will take them because they are afraid that if someone sees them leaving my house with medicine they will think that they are HIV+. Fear keeps people from wanting to get tested and from seeking treatment if they find out they are positive. One man even told me that he would rather die than have people know his status.

Fear kept the Haitian ladies that were here when Miguerlene died from holding or even touching her. Fear forces parents to lie so that their children won’t be kicked out of school.

Espwa Berlancia is fighting 2 diseases here in Haiti, we are battling AIDS and we are fighting fear. Both can break your heart, both cause pain and hurt, both can discourage to the point of wanting to give up. But we won’t give up.

We keep fighting so that babies like Miguerlene can be held and loved in this world. We fight so that women like F, J and M can have a job that will allow them to provide for their families and I personally fight so that my baby daughter can grow up in a world where she is free to be open and honest about everything that makes her who she is!

Annabel’s first HIV test has come back positive. Right now I have only the type of test that detects antibodies, it is possible that Annabel is not actually infected but is just carrying antibodies from her birth mother. It is also possible that she is in fact HIV+. Of course I hope and pray that she will grow to be a healthy little girl but I know that God did not make a single mistake while He was putting together that baby, He built her for reasons and purposes beyond what I could imagine. He has a great big plan for her and no matter how He carries it out, it will be amazing. While she lies here sleeping on my chest I ace with love for her, I wish with everything I have that I could always be able to fix thing things that will go wrong in her life, I wish that I could be sure that she would never feel pain or hurt but I know that I can’t do that. All I can do is trust that she was perfectly and wonderfully made. I can trust that I will do my best to raise her to be strong and promise that I will do everything I can to try to change this world, for her and everyone who is forced to live in fear and hiding.

Annabel Kay

2011-11-27T13:32:00.010-06:00

We haven’t had city power for almost 2 weeks now. The last night we had power was the night that Annabel was born.

Sweet Annabel! I am so excited to be able to share my new daughter with you. On Tuesday, November 15th at 5:35am Annabel Kay was born. I had been visited by a woman 2 weeks earlier who was very pregnant. She sat me down and told me a story that I had heard far too many times, dad denies the baby is his, mom has a child at home already, she has no way to care for another. She told me, I listened , I heard God’s whisper, “this one, this is the one I created to be yours, the one you have been waiting for” I didn’t know how but I knew that He was speaking to my heart. And so, instead of hearing “just another story” I started asking questions. I asked about her family, her home, her history. I asked if I could give her an HIV test. 10 minutes later, 2 lines. Positive. I sat, sick to my stomach staring at those lines, knowing that I had to go and add another crushing blow to her already unfathomable life story.

When I told her she didn’t react like I thought that she would, she lifted her chin and looked into my eyes for the first time. That look will haunt me for a very long time, the raw grief that I saw, the tears that didn’t fall... the brokenness and strength. For a few moments she didn’t speak and then she set her chin and told me, “Well, that decided it then, there is no way I can have this baby” She told me that if no one would take her, she would feed her Clorox until she died. I knew she wasn’t lying, it’s not uncommon. Just the week before the body of a baby girl was found on top of a pile of garbage just down the street from my house. A beautiful baby girl that someone would have loved to hold and cuddle, a life that would have been cherished, gone. M told me it would be better for her baby to die quickly than to try to life the life she would give her. She couldn’t bear to see her baby suffer and though to some it sounds heartless, she was only telling me what she knew, what others had told her to do.

Once you know truth that is heartbreaking, once you know that it’s reality, there is nothing you can do to get rid of the picture in your head. Once you know, you are responsible. Whether you want to be or not, you can’t ignore it. I knew that if this baby was to find the same fate it would be because of me, because I can’t save them all but I could save this one, I had been commanded to save this one.

Since I decided to move forward with Gup’s adoption I have been thinking about the idea of adopting a baby girl as well. I knew that wanted to be a mother, that I was created to be a mama. I knew that I wanted a little girl and I knew that if I was going to have more than one I would want to do the adoptions together. By the time I came back to Leogane God had commanded my heart and I was just waiting for His plan to unfold. When I spoke to this woman I knew that God had sent her to me, that this was the baby girl, there was no ultrasound, there was no reason to think that this would be a girl any more than it would be a boy but I knew. I knew it was her.

When I talked to mom about the idea of me taking the baby she perked up. When she arrived I told her that I wasn’t an orphanage, that she would need to speak to someone else if she couldn’t parent her baby but as we visited I heard God’s heart, telling me to trust, to let Him guide our meeting. I talked to her about adoption and that this would be permanent. Haitian orphanages are often used as temporary relief, parents will leave their child and come back for them when they are able to care for them again. I told her that I wouldn’t do that, if she chose to give me her baby she would need to sign papers for me to adopt her. She listened and we talked more about her options. For several days she came and went while we talked about what she could do, about orphanages and about the future. She told me that she would never be able to take her back, HIV, poverty and lack of education had left her broken, scared and alone. On top of that was the chance that the baby would be positive as well, she had no prenatal care or medication for her HIV, she was due to deliver any day. During her 3rd visit M told me that she had made her decision, she definitely wanted to give her baby to me.

Right away I did the only thing I could think of and moved M into my house, I wanted to make sure that she was eating well and watched carefully. I wanted to make sure that this precious baby that might be mine, was cherished and taken care of. Over the course of the next week I was given the most incredible gift I could imagine, I spent hours with M while she told me about growing up in the mountains near Jacamel, working once for a missionary cleaning bathrooms and life in the tent that she calls home. We played cards and laughed at each other, talked about the baby and cried together over fears of her future. She would sit next to me on the couch each night and let me talk to her belly, She looked at me like I was crazy when I put headphones on her stomach so that the baby could listen to music. She giggled and pointed each time that a little elbow or foot pushed against her skin. She shared 5 precious days of my daughter’s life with me. On that Friday I took her for an ultrasound, another precious gift, a picture that I will cherish forever and the news that I was begging to hear, “li ti fi” It’s a girl!

On Monday the 14th M was restless, she was missing her son, she decided to go sleep at home and come back the next morning. At 4:40 on Tuesday I woke up to a pounding on my front gate. I could hear her before I even got outside, M had gone into labor and was progressing quickly. When she came into the house her water broke and her pains were constant. I could tell that she didn’t have much time. We left the yard at 4:55 am for the hospital, it was dark and there were no taxis to be seen, and so we walked while I sent someone to the main road to try and find us a ride. Finally, headlights and we piled on. We arrived at the hospital to closed and locked gates, knocking and calling for the doctor for almost 10 minutes while M started screaming at me that she needed to push. I finally climbed over the gate and ran searching for the doctor. When I found him, half asleep, he told me that they didn’t do deliveries, in spite of what I had been told by their administrator at our ultrasound appointment. He said I needed to go to Sans Frontiers, I told him I would take her but asked him to check her first, I didn’t think we could make it to the other hospital. Dr. Joe agreed and when M got up on the table he yelled out the door for a nurse to come quickly with a birth kit. By the time the nurse arrived I could see the baby’s head. In the short time that we where there and in between her screams M told Dr. Joe that she would be giving the baby to me. She asked not to see her and to have her handed directly to me, she had already told me that she knew if she held her she would never be able to give her up, she loved her too much to let that happen.

As the baby moved down Dr. Joe offered me yet another amazing gift, he asked if I would like to catch the baby while he told me what to do, gladly! At 5:35, less than an hour after arriving at my gate Annabel Kay was born, she was screaming, had a head full of beautiful dark curls and looked huge, later she would weigh in at 8lbs, the average birth weight in Haiti is 5lbs. While the nurse cleaned her up and the doctor worked on M I stood near her head. My tears fell into her cheeks and mingled with hers, one little girl with 2 mamas who loved her so much that we both thought our hearts might break.

Annabel is 10 days old now, she is beautiful, amazing in every way. It already feels like time is going too fast, that this tiny baby is growing and changing every time I blink. I know that someday she will be all grown up. I know that she will wonder, I know that she will have questions. Adoption, no matter how loving and wonderful, is full of pain and loss. M lost her baby girl, Annabel lost her first mother, I lost 9 months of my daughter’s life, we all feel the hurt in different ways. I hope and pray that as she grows I am able to tell her all about the love that brought her into this world, about God preparing my heart while she grew in another woman’s belly. I hope that I can remember and tell her about how she sounded when she laughed and the tone her voice took when she talked about her little girl. I hope that I can describe in word, the love of a mother who could chose life over death, a mother who would have done anything for her child. I hope that as my daughter grows, I do too. I hope that I grow into the kind of mom that she needs, the kind of mom that M is counting on me to be, the kind of mom that God created when He knit together the desires of my heart.

You Know Those Times, When You Really Should Scold But Instead You Pick Up The Camera?

2011-11-10T08:36:00.000-06:00

The Baby and The Powder…

But you’ll see that he knew just where to put it

Blan

2011-11-07T18:07:00.000-06:00

This week I spent some time in the orphanage. I go there a lot. I miss those kids like crazy, I miss having other people to live with, I miss how “simple” it was. I miss it and so, to take some time out of the rest of my day I go back. I play and chat and it’s almost like it used to me, almost.

Last week when I walked in the door a baby cried. He screamed and ran away, when the nanny tried to comfort him he just cried one word over and over, blan, blan… He was new. He didn’t know me. I was just another white person.

When I arrived today one of the little girls couldn’t remember my name, someone else reminded her. Once upon a time, 8 months ago,she took her first steps, into my arms. 8 months ago she loved me, and now she doesn’t remember my name.

Sometimes going back there just kills me because I feel so guilty. “If I were living here there is no way that this would be happening, or that” I think it to myself. I feel guilty when I see the kids who I loved, and who loved me and I wonder if, by leaving,I just solidified the idea of everyone who you love leaving you.

Sometimes I get selfish feelings too, I’ve gone from the one they loved, to just another “blan” just another white face that shows up every once in a while and plays with them. That kills me, I still want to be the one they love!

I realize that Espwa Berlancia wouldn’t be where it was today if I hadn’t left. I realize that God used that orphanage to get me to Leogane, where He wanted Espwa Berlancia to be.

I know it, all the reasons that make sense but I also know their hearts, Rose, Miranda, Bedia, Richelande, Sherley, Mika, Olivier, Jiji, Lucy, Bertha and Berline, Lina, Dorlens, Anel and all the others who are not longer there… I know them by heart. I know which cry belongs to which child in the middle of the night.I know that Mika can write her name but Sherley needs a little help to get the letters in the right order.I know that Anel likes a pacifier but you have to be patient and hold it for him for a few seconds before he can keep it in his mouth. I know that Jiji is worth so much more than lying all alone in a dark room all day.

I know them but someone else does too. Someone else out there aches for that cry in the night and those tiny quirks. Someone who once held her child in her arms as she walked along the dirt path to the Orphanage, a place her neighbor told her about, a place that would find her baby a better life. Someone else misses them.

2 could be enough. Maybe 2 people’s love could be enough for this little one but no, God decided that this baby should have even more, he deserved even more love. God decided that 2 more people should love this little one. Soon, they will join those families and those families will learn their little quirks, and they will be the once to experience the new ones. Soon the “mama” will be for real, forever. Soon they will go home and I can’t wait, Oh I long for the day. For all the time I’ve selfishly cried there have been a hundred tears of joy for where they will go, I wish I could see who they will be but that wasn’t the part of the path that God chose. He gave me first words and first steps and first “I love yous”. He will chose someone else to have the first day of school, first broken heart and first apartment. You could think them the lucky ones, they get the rest of it all but I bet you anything they would give an arm and a leg to have had what I did. Personally, I would give and arm and a leg to give it to them. But God’s plans are not our plans and so I won’t waste my time with the questions, again.

But tonight, my heart will be a little sad, because it’s happening, I’m going from Rhyan to Blan….

What Ever Happened To Annabel?

2011-11-03T07:52:00.001-05:00

A few weeks back a made an announcement that a baby girl was joining our family. Before I left for the states I had met with her mother and we made a plan for her new baby, who would be born in August, to be placed in my care when I returned. I received a phone call the first week of September letting me know that a baby girl had been born. I was ecstatic. I had been praying that God would bless me with a daughter and here she was.

When I got back to Haiti I spoke with the birth mother and immediately had concerns, she had asked for names for the baby during our meeting and I had given her a boy and a girl name, when she referred to the baby she called her by another name… not Annabel. She told me that she had been thinking more about it and wondered if I would take the baby for a few months and then give her back to her when she wanted her again. I asked her to come see me so that we could try to work something out. She assured me she would come the next day. At 4:45 am I got a phone call, they were on their way. I waited and waited and waited… The never arrived. I called the phone number she had given me, it was a wrong number. In my heart I knew that they were never going to come. I went to bed that night with a heavy heart.

It’s been over a month now and Baby W had not come. I am pretty sure she wont and even if she does it is clear that this mother has decided to parent her child. In most ways I am thrilled. One less family torn apart, one less child growing up with unanswerable questions. One more mother with a baby in her arms. But there are also great concerns as well. J, the birth mother is HIV positive. The last time I saw her she looked like she was in full blow AIDS. She is very sick and is not taking any medicine. She did not take any medicine while she was pregnant and she is breastfeeding W, with her blood counts the way they are it is almost impossible that Baby W has not inherited the virus. J’s other child, a 2 year old boy is also HIV+. There are also things about J that are concerning to me. She is very obviously a bit slow. She functions at the level of someone around the age of 12 and she now has 2 children to care for, both medically fragile. She herself is very sick, when a person gets to an advanced level of AIDS it is not pretty. She suffers from almost constant diarrhea, infections, colds and fevers. She needs someone to care for her, instead she is caring for babies.

I want you to understand that I am thrilled when a parent decides to keep their children. I think it is the best thing for them However, there are certain situations where mothers need a lot of help, I am not sure that J is getting that help. I have no way of knowing, I have no way of offering it myself. All I can do is pray and ask you all to join me. Please pray for J, W and Peterson. Pray that they will be safe and well and pray that God send them and angel to hold and keep them. She was never “mine” I loved her already but that baby belongs to her mother and more importantly, to God. He will direct the steps of her path, I can only beg him to make them as painless and beautiful as possible. I never knew her, I never saw her face but I had hopes and dreams and I miss her!

I am still waiting for “my Annabel” someday Gup with have a baby sister and I can’t wait to tell you all when it happens.

My Ti Mimi

2011-11-02T08:15:00.001-05:00

Ok, so I know there’s no such thing as Halloween in Haiti but I couldn’t resist dressing up my little guy.

Is he not the most adorable little baby tiger ever?

Go Beyond Religion

2011-10-30T09:53:00.000-05:00

Beyond - be·yond

[bee-ond, bih-yond]

preposition

outside the understanding, limits, or reach of; past: beyond comprehension; beyond endurance; beyond help.

I can not count the times I have heard James 1:27 quoted… almost.

People ALWAYS remember the first 2 commands of that verse. “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress.”

Except there is no period there… the verse continues.

James 1:27 “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

To go outside the limits of caring for widows and orphans, does that mean sending a bigger check each month than you want to? Does it mean taking a trip to go and hold babies who have no one? Does in mean visiting nursing homes even though they make you uncomfortable? Does it mean you pick up and move across the world? I’m sure to everyone it means something else.

But what about that last part. “To keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” A task that is already impossible. It is so incredibly difficult to keep a positive, Christ-like attitude,.

On days when an old man sits outside my gate with his hand outstretched, hoping for 5 or 10 gourdes. He holds an empty bowl, he’s hungry. On that day I bring him inside my home. I clean his swollen feet and I fill his belly. He pulls out 3 plastic bottles that he has picked up off the side of the road and asks me to fill them with water for him to have later. On those days I am not filled with joy, I am filled with a deep, pit of my heart sadness. I wonder how many years he has been hungry.

On days when I see the woman with 7 children spread between 2 orphanages, her belly swollen with new life again, it’s hard to love her. Its hard not to judge her and so I do. And then I remember, God loves that daughter of his! He loves her enough to die for her. And my sins aren’t visible in stretch marks of illegitimate children but I am no better or worse than that precious little girl of His. God gives us challenges to help us grow, to teach us to love and to be set apart. Each challenge we can win or fail but for each failure we walk away with a new lesson.

Being called a missionary is really, very intimidating to me. I am a Christian, my work is to help and serve but missionaries are so “good”. They do things like preach the gospel and baptize new believers. They smile and lot and touch everyone. I sit inside my gate and test, over and over again for a disease, tell them how to prevent and what God teaches us about sexuality but still, there they are again, the same faces needed to be tested again. I wonder if it’s totally fruitless.

I want to be a good missionary, a good person even, but I wonder what God wants. He ate with sinners and used people that were not very “good” to do really great things. I do my best to feed the souls of those around me, to share about Jesus love for them. But sometimes, I say one thing and then I do another. And it breaks my heart to think that maybe when I turn away that hungry child who knocks on my gate every day, I am doing the exact opposite of what Jesus would do, of what I tell others to do.

I know that God put me here in Leogane, I know that for some crazy reason, He thinks I can work for His kingdom here. I know that if God says it, it will be done but I still struggle so much.

I hope that as I hold their babies, nurse their hurts and test their blood, I can also introduce them to my Jesus and His truth, a truth that has nothing to do with the clothes you wear, the tent you live in, the status of your blood test or your history. I hope that as I learn, more than ever of His grace, I can teach it too.

Anba Raje

2011-10-29T19:42:00.000-05:00

In Creole it means under the grass, or weeds.

I didn’t know Leogane before the earthquake. I knew “Haiti” but I didn’t not know Haiti.

I did not know a man named Willy, I did not know a woman named Evelyne, I did not know a baby named Gup. I didn’t know anything of the life that I live now. I had been in Haiti but I had never been in MY Haiti. I didn’t yet know that there was a place that will fill my soul with longing for home.

Today is almost a year to the date that I moved to live in Leogane permanently. I had been visiting back and forth for 3 months but October was finally time for the “big move” You can read about the night before that move here. You can read my words, hear my promise and look at where I am today. It hardly seems like the same girl, in most ways it isn’t.

In the past year I have…

Prepared a baby for burial, Twice. Sat in horror and watched a hurricane and Cholera hit while I was a world away.Said goodbye to a little girl, with no idea it would be the last time I kissed her sweet cheeks. Was blessed with the most perfect baby boy in the world! Held another little miracle and loved him for 9 months. Gave a name to my dream and watched it grow. Broke down, spent some time processing this new normal and remembered that God was God. Called A beautiful, crooked, broken tiled yellow house home, and meant it. Heard “Mama” for the first time and cried I have held a precious little girl as she slipped away to Jesus. I have longed for 2 homes, I have learned a new language and a new culture. I have washed my clothes by hand and been laughed at by a 9 year old while trying to start a charcoal fire.

Dang, it’s been some year. Over the past 12 months I have learned the beaches, restaurants and the money changers who won’t rip you off. I’ve found my corner, I’ve come home.

Tonight Sota was digging furiously in the yard, a place overrun with weeds and grass, I had no idea what for but when I went out to lock the gate later I found a few scraps of something, bits and pieces of medical equipment, construction gear and rescue supplies all with the same logo. It was a well known company that has come to help right after the earthquake. Bodies were recovered from our site so it makes sense that company was here but for some reason it hit be really hard, this home, this place of refuge for me was once a tomb.

Sometimes I forget that PetionVille and Leogane had the same disaster. When I go to Port Au Prince, I remember easily, that’s where I was. I never knew of this place called Leogane. But then I came here and I learned the truth… Legoane has a population of almost 150,000. On January 12th, 2010 approximately 37,500 of them died. More than 90% of the population of this city lost a loved on on that day. EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT I TALK TO, EVERY SINGLE DAY. Before I knew Leogane, she was here. Before you knew of “that poor city in Haiti” Willy was here, and Evelyne was here. Before I knew their names God knew, He knew their hearts, their families and their home. He knew what would happen and He cried, because it sucks when really bad things happen.

He knew and while the world yelled and Him and jeered and mocked this “loving god” He began to unravel the plan that he had created for me. When bad things happen, God is there, He was there with me and told me very clearly what I was to do. I said no. But deep down I knew, that God was the boss, I would do what he said and go where he called. I could snort and stop like the best of them but when I came down to it, I would go and at no surprise to me, I would fall in love. This city, that was a city before the earthquake told the world their name, that is a city still, thriving and incredible, is my home. I didn’t know her then, but I know her now and I can say without a bit of doubt in my soul, is the strongest place I have ever known. I am honored to call her my home.

I have known this place for a year, I have found friends, my son and God again. Leogane, Mesi.