Marquisdejolie On Video

Beth's Piney Woods Car Math

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 22:59:00 +0000

The court orders my sister's estranged commonlaw husband to leave a car out in the woods of Waskom for Beth to pick up but she hasn't had a driver's license in years and is having a hard time doing the drive home math.

Tags: court ordered, commonlaw, estranged, rednecks, redneckery, Waskom, marquisdejolie, family series math

Vacant Lots I Have Loved

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 17:32:00 +0000

I found this great vacant lot in Gardena to sleep in. It had wonderful curb appeal for a homeless person because of the barbed wire fence. Kept wild dogs, muggers and bored cops off me while I slept. Bored cops like to wake sleeping homeless people . They like to ask bums what they're doing ( DUH--sleeping, Officer Crapsonbums). But generally speaking, cops are too lazy to climb barbed wire fences, so I got a lot of uninterrupted sleep here.

Pictured below: another vacant lot in Gardena where homeless people slept, crackheads smoked and Hollywood satanists came down from the hills to practice their cat-sacrificing voodoo ceremonies.

Tags: vacant lots, homeless, homelessness, bums, tramps, hobo, panhandlers, a place to sleep, sleeping on the street, skid row, vagrancy, streetwise, street nap, Gardena

Beth Returns From The Graveyard Where Daddy Is Hiding

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 17:18:00 +0000

My blackfooted sister went for a walk through the local cemetery where daddy was allegedly buried but my hopes were dashed when she came home again.

Tags: spiritual, spirit, spirits, graveyard, cemetery, redneck, rednecks, redneckery, redneck family, marquisdejolie, rednecking, hicks, humor

Never Burn Poison Ivy!

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 17:04:00 +0000

Never try to burn poison ivy out. Never add it to a burn pile. The smoke carries the poison and can damage lung tissue leading to a long hospital stay or even death.

Tags: yardwork, yarding, burning brush, burning poison ivy, smoking brush, smoking death, marquisdejolie, rednecks, spoof, advice

Frito-Lay Angrily Introduces Line Of Healthy Snacks

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 14:33:00 +0000

Tags: satire, fritos, humor, wow-this-is, the-onion, marquisdejolie, james jarvis, redneckery

Burn Barrel

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 02:59:00 +0000

I love my burn barrel; my back yard, ever-smoking, 55-gallon, open-headed, carbon steel, fiery furnace of hellfire burn barrel.

Tags: burn barrel, steel drum, spokenword, marquisdejolie, fiery furnace, east texas, coffeehouse poetry, Marshall, piney woods

World's Most Shocking Ghost Footage

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 05:45:00 +0000

Scientists are calling this video "The most disturbing ghost footage ever filmed."

Tags: ghost hunters, haunted house, haunted woods, ghostwood, ghostly woods, terrifying, paranormal, scary video, shocking, horror film, spirits

Predicting The Future With Chris Pirillo

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 02:52:00 +0000

News is breaking right now. What kind of news? You name it. Something is always happening. When something does, you may want to share it online with friends and family, or make a prediction into the outcome. What about generating money based on the successful predictions you make? http://chris.pirillo.com - http://geeks.pirillo.com

Tags: video help, predictive information, pirillo, outcome, prediction, predicting outcomes, hubdub, news report

Taxi Vlog 69

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 22:41:00 +0000

Some taxi stories...

Tags: Taxi Vlog, Victoria, British Columbia, BC, Canada, life experiences, cab customers, cabbie, drunks, drunk, drinking, bearing it

Redneck Air Conditioning

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 19:40:00 +0000

Tags: redneck, rednecks, redneckery, A/C, air conditioning, humor, redneck humor

Photoshop Faces

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 16:10:00 +0000

The video above is a slideshow of some of my Photoshopery. I used to manipulate images in Photoshop for a living, but now I do it for fun. Comes in handy for illustrating my blogs sometimes.

Tags: Photoshop, vlogging, faces, manipulate images, illustrating blogs, graphic artist, blatant, self promotion, jarvis

An Indoor Hunt

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 15:25:00 +0000

Getting back to our pagan roots, my daughter January supervises a mysterious, centuries old family tradition of The Hunting of the Festively-Colored Unborn Bird Fetuses.

Tags: pagan rites, coloring eggs, ishtar, easter, hunting, hunt, hunters, holiday tradition, kids, children, family, marquisdejolie

Loose Losers On My Dashboard

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 00:30:00 +0000

Loose Losers
by James Jarvis

Loose losers on my dashboard
that I gotta throw away.
The lottery is callin' me,
Callin' me to play.

Yesterday, it was Fantasy,
Today I'll play it straight,
A Quick Pick in the lottery
Pick Three'll have to wait.

I want to win the lottery,
I'm lousy at the track,
I want to win the lottery
and get my money back.

I win, I'm leaving Lalaland,
I lose, I'm stayin' here,
A little win won't help me none,
Won't loose me of the queer.

I gotta win the lottery,
From here I must get free,
I'll win this wicked game of chance,
You wait and watch and see.

Tags: Sunset Blvd, the blvd, poem, poetry, spokenword, prose, loose, lottery tickets, losers, dashboard, stories, marquisdejolie, ironweed, ironweed series

Answering service at the mental institute

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 21:48:00 +0000

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

Tags: answering service, mental institute, crazy phone, phone prank, obsessive-compulsive, co-dependent, multiple personalities, delusional

Missing Drugs

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 20:34:00 +0000

Every morning between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m. I am awakened by the following argument between my mother and my sister. EVERY MORNING. THE EXACT SAME ARGUMENT. The sad/funny thing is: they're BOTH right. Momma DOES steal and abuse Beth's pills but not as many as Beth overdoses and blames on thieves.

Tags: drugs, drugees, addicts, crackheads, pills, pillheads, pillpoppers, addiction, redneck, redneck family, prescriptions, scripts, marquisdejolie, series, Bethzilla

The First Televised Superman Cartoon

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 19:01:00 +0000

This is the very first Max Fleischer cartoon in his famous Superman series. It has fallen into the public domain. You can view other classic cartoons at thehiddenart.com. Visit thehiddenart.com and help support efforts to keep classic movies alive.

Tags: classic cartoon, fleischer, superman, public domain, Max Fleischer, thehiddenart, marquisdejolie, comics on tv, first broadcast

Rubber Johnny

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 18:40:00 +0000

"Johnny is a hyperactive, shape-shifting mutant child, kept locked away in a basement. With only his feverish imagination and his terrified dog for company, he finds ways to amuse himself in the dark.
Rubber Johnny is the latest creation from the UKs most imaginative filmmaker, Chris Cunningham. Featuring music by legendary electronic composer, Aphex Twin, this nightmarish and hallucinatory experimental short film is accompanied by 40 pages of drawings and photographs - Cunninghams first published book of original artwork."

Tags: mutant child, hyperactive children, Chris Cunningham, Aphex Twin, nightmarish video, hallucinatory, original artwork, feverish imagination, johnny

It's A T-Bird!

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 07:04:00 +0000

Excerpt from a bizarre early stop-motion animation piece featuring Charley Bowers and a metal-eating bird. The creature devours junk from an auto scrapyard, then lays an egg that hatches and grows into a brand new car! Very impressive FX and way before CGI. Directed by Harold L. Muller.

Tags: animation, stop-motion, weird, Charley Bowers, metal-eating bird, metaleating, before CGI, Harold L. Miller, 1930 animation

The Hotdog Man

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 06:35:00 +0000

A black and white cartoon short. You might find it funny or you may think it psychotic. I like it. Children, come buy the hotdogs!

Tags: cartoon, mashed potatoes, kill, funny, food, noisepop, tomchuk, spooky, food prep, hot dogs, convenience food, macabre, hotdogs, unfoldingmetal, weird shorts, oddball video, odd videos, strange video

Diagnosed MAD

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 23:19:00 +0000

A nonfiction video spoof of VA hospital doctors' diagnosis related to government wholesale bulk drug purchase deals, specifically, how the bulk purchase of an antidepressant gave me S.A.D., G.A.D., G.L.A.D., B.A.D. and M.A.D.

Tags: nonfiction video, Department of Veterans Affairs, VA, VA hospital, veterans medical care, veterans, government, foibles, spoof, VA doctors, bulk drugs, wholesale drugs, antidepressant, social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, Paxil, Mal-adjustment disorder, behavior modification, factotum, ripesuck, ructuosity, fadge, yeevil, lask, lapidate, vlogging, veterans blog, jarvis

Body Glitter

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 22:27:00 +0000

OFFLINE JOURNAL
Transcribed from my Falcon Inn bar napkin scribbles

Your hand's in my pocket,
You're wiggling it 'round.
I know that you're
in there,
your long, greedy fingers
searching
all the way down....
searching the corners
for the nickles,
the dimes,
and for all of my quarters.

You think that the glitter
you've sprayed on your body
will keep my eye busy
while you empty my pockets,
but I feel
those long fingers
deep in my pockets.
C'mon babe,
give it a jiggle
so I can leave broke
but at least
a little bit giddy.

You told me
you loved me,
that I
was your brother,
but I feel that
my wallet
is being pulled
from it's cover.
I feel that my wallet
is leaving it's pocket.

But I knew
you would be here
and I knew
your bad habit
so the change
in my pocket....
well, friend
you can have it.
The bills in my wallet?
take all of it.

What you don't understand
(and I doubt that you'll get it)
is the gold's
in my heart
and you'll never
get near it.

Tags: Jolie Blond, poem, poetry, offline journal, Falcon Inn, bar napkin, factotum, vlogging, funny videos, viral video, pricklouse, snollygoster, swedge, greedy fingers, body glitter, jarvis, barfly

Meth Head Beth Is Back

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 21:15:00 +0000

Beth's son breaks Beth out of the north Texas nuthouse to come live with him but within weeks dumps her onto a train headed back to momma's house. An episode in my Beth In Crisis series.

Tags: patient dumping, rehab, rehabilitation, nuthouse, Family & Protective Service, rednecks, redneckery, drugs, marquisdejolie, meth, methhead, family series

A Crazy Person's Prized Possession

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 01:26:00 +0000

While my sister was away at the nuthouse, I went through her secret stuff that she had stored in momma's garage. An episode of my Mean To My Sister series.

Tags: pica, rock, the rock, rock habit, secret stash, eating disorders, crazy redneck, rednecks, redneckery, nuthouse, involuntary committal, marquisdejolie, family series

Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 17:07:00 +0000

U.S. President Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you burp.

Tags: politics, news room, Barack Obama, Onion, satire, funny, food, Denny's, rednecks, redneckery, fat Americans

Evil Pines

marquisdejolie@gmail.com (Marquisdejolie) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 23:52:00 +0000

When the fight begins within himself, a man's worth something. ---Robert Browning

A pine tree fell on my mother's east Texas house here in Marshall a few years back. The damage was extensive. My mother's house is surrounded by 100-foot-tall pine trees. Some of them lean towards the house ominously.

My mother eyes these pines with much suspicion. If they'll do it once, they'll do it again. That's just what kind of mean-spirited plants these big old pine trees are. You can't trust them. Everybody knows that. Ask any of the old ladies down at the bingo hall. They'll tell you. A pine tree is good for nothing except getting hit by lightning and falling on your house.

Every time my mother leaves the house, she scurries as quickly as a 78 year-old can go, from the front door to the car, hoping they won't be paying attention and miss their chance to squash her.

And now she's got me doing it. Evil pines. I've got my eye on you.

Tags: evil pines, Pine trees, east Texas, Marshall, tall pines, bingo hall, vlogging, funny video, viral video, lobcock, opisthotonicke, Robert Browning, jarvis