TIMMOLOGY

Ramble Royale

2017-07-06T05:34:00.002-07:00

Cedar Grove, Howell County and more of Jersey places to memorized. Wait, what are we talking about here? Aren't you working on some art projects? As practicality and needs come into play, I couldn't deny the fact that it has come to point where dreams needs to standby and just parked for a while til I have the nerve to conjure the thoughts of touching it again. It shouldn't be hard, adaptability is key. What can I say?

So to be fair and exact, I am working on a graveyard shift to ends meet. For a while, I was just nagging at my foster mom for some comfort and inspiration to lift myself up and just lets me realize how beautiful life is, still. Easy-going and fluidity is key. Damn it. However, I am here right now conjuring this draft on this desk full of rickety monologues trying to at least learn everything from CRM's of my new boss and the likes. But that's life right? We all start at one point. We all begin at some stage where life seems uncertain and unfair. Be it in the kind of my state or whatnot. Be sure to check me out next time, this post might be updated for some reason- an ambivalence mood.

Back at my desktop and figuring out everything all at once to make my boss feel lighter on her shoulder's load, regardless of my graveyard shift. I mean, we all have to make an impression to our bosses, not to sound like I am politically shitting out others but that's the way it is. You help your boss at some tasks to make her work-life balance seems graspable. I see that.

New people. Same-same tasks with new things to learn. Oh New Jersey, it may not be as the Jersey Shore show at once before, but it could also work that way. Trying to figure out the city and its neighborhoods. I can do that. Let's just work the heck up and make the brain sharper than it was, as to not feel stagnant nor jobless. Crazy. Let's hit the bandwagon with our dreams soon, just be adept with the current state- ~~memorizing Jersey neighborhoods and recruiting people all at once.~~
Have a blast, cause it's game time! I mean work.

Moving on process

2017-06-29T22:19:00.000-07:00

It's almost three weeks since I moved back to Manila from Davao. It seems like my emotional depreciation about goodbye has slowly faded away. I know, I know, Davao is home and it will always be my home. I am just so happy that I have a home to go back into everytime I feel like going home. I missed you my hometown. Yet, life has to move forward and to try finding my luck once again in a big city is all I wanted to do right now-before it's too late.

What is there to settle in one place when you can traverse the whole world with the adventure in mind. As what my friend Love says, Davao will always be there waiting for me and I can always go back if I want to. Which is right. Soon enough my love.
I maybe thriving in a different city but my heart will always be in Davao, I do know that its serenity and simple life has gotten me hooked. It is after all the most beautiful and the most peaceful-loving city in the Philippines.

However, I have dreams. I have plans to achieve and things that I'd like to do in Manila or New York. Crossing fingers!
Fast forward to today, my adjustment period has been a little easy. I am no longer a cry baby trying to re-compose himself from sobbing, cause after all I'm faraway from my usual mundane and the normal things I do as a local of Davao. Nothing beats its glory to be honest, so I hope you would understand that I still feel lonely and sometimes cry and just wanting to go home. I know I can do it! Hang in there love,I'll see you one day and I shall rekindle my romance with you again.

Changes and more changes

2017-06-08T09:05:00.000-07:00

11:37 The clock is ticking and the stand fan is swooshing back and forth. It is almost midnight yet I haven't feel the need to doze off, maybe because I slept late and woke up late. Relevant. Tonight, I have seen quite a number of things changed rapidly. There are those Instagram algorithms that makes instagram way boring than it was before. As weird as it is, I do scrutinize every details of it. Cause in the end, I wanted to learn new things, be it online marketing, branding etc. For me this is way productive than reading news and looking on to my Facebook newsfeed, ugh it is silly to say, but social media have succumb to being a non-realistic plethora of all things new in the 21st century.

There are those new discoveries, new things and terms to understand such as millenials and adulting. These are just few things to consider living in a high tech world of the 21st century. I wonder if the phrase "Ignorance is a bliss" has value anymore. Everyone wants to know more. Cause the more intellectual you are, the higher the chances of making it in life. Gosh, I barely even know IT stuff, but I have to learned how to put the HTML codes on this site and learned how to make a header in canva so it would look like it is still in. Or has it? I don't really care.

I was chatting with a good friend of mine about the new terms that we know nothing about, and failing to innovate or failing to know those terms could catapult you into being an old fashioned individual. It sucks sometimes. I am pro innovation, I am pro to all things new, but it also saddens me when I see people trying too hard to make an impression with nothing but a piece of shitty ideas to boot. I know, we all have that friend who wants to better his or her life and who wants to at least be in the know of all things new. Yet at some point, we forget to realize how to live simply. Because we are too busy innovating.

There are those tutorial about curation of Instagram, how to take better photos and how to look good in just t-shirts and jeans combo. Yes, I get it but as silly as it may sound, I really don't feel like doing everything and learning everything to be honest. Why can't we just stay and observe the sun rises and sets-on a daily basis. I bet you don't like that too. UV rays would damage your skin. Such is life.

I may sound so negative about innovation here, but I do hope people should realized the importance of living simply. This would surely vary on how you perceived simplicity though. As for me, I'd like to try new things according to how I feel, not according to what's in at the moment. Oh good Lord, may You bless us with something to ponder and not something to be stressed about. That's it, I'm done. 12:02AM Sleepy AF. Good night people!

Update and the so-called new terms I have to know

2017-06-02T21:54:00.002-07:00

Today, I woke up with an ambivalent feeling. I am uncertain about my dreams and goals. I am uncertain of the things that I'd like to do. Evidently, I have never updated this blog for the longest time, well just now. And here are the reasons why:

1. Adulting- finding your niche and also being practical about my current disposition was my focus, so updating a blog wasn't a priority. Hence, I was busy adulting. It's been a while since I last wrote something in here. It's been a while since I conjured a thought and wrote down all the things that would inspire me, may it be my personal experience, my job, friends, travels or whatever random ramblings my life had ran into. It is silly to say that, at some point I was so lazy to even draft. Gosh, what am I doing?

2. Bills- when you realized that you are an adult now and paying bills are part of your existence? Ugh, how I wish I could just go back into being just spoon fed (literally) by my parents. But what can I say? I have to live each day expecting that life is going to be awesome and bills are just part of our daily lives. Fact.

3. Loneliness- I would admit that I have never been this lonely, I always see myself a strong person and I never depend on others. But for the past few months (insert the no-blog-updates) I felt so useless and so tired actually. I was inadvertently disgusted with my disposition, I lost a job, I worked in a company that doesn't value employees' contribution and or failing to innovate- so I grew tired and I quit. See that? It is not easy being me. And I also wish I have someone whom I call my partner to battle it out and succeed.

4. Deprived dreams- I always wanted to be in fashion, yes I was able to achieve it, yet it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough that I surrender and chose to go back to my hometown with a deprived dreams and a bleeding heart. What is there to pursue when you've lost track of who you are? Fact.

5. Pressure- to be honest I am scared. So scared that I wallow in tears. That my nightmares had become rampant.

But what can I say? I am who I am. And I just need a chance to see myself on a better vantage now. Live and maybe go on with life and follow my dreams again? Let see.

The Prince of the Past

2016-12-20T16:55:00.001-08:00

I sometimes questions life. I reckoned, I'd curse life, I'd throw curses like I'm a mad dog. But that wasn't the case, sometimes I grudgingly take life so serious that when I fail, I blamed it to the heavens. Which on the other hand, unfair.

I wish I could turned back times, I could wipe away the tears of those I've hurt and those whom I have break their hearts to pieces. My mom, my exes, my ex- friends and those along the way, had become an excuse to banter. But the case is closed, they've moved on and so am I.

Let all my errors be a mirror now, at this present life. I know I was a prince when I committed all these. All those things have passed. So let the rivers take it to the deep waters and forget that it all existed at some point in my past life. What matters now is, I am happy, alive and fully well.

Ambivalence

2016-12-18T17:51:00.001-08:00

There’s that certain feeling of longingness that you questioned your existence on a daily basis. You opposed every opinion your brain may laid at. Some random thoughts you significantly don’t acknowledge for a fact that it may ruined your current disposition, and this occur every single day. Every single time you questioned your existence, your job, your passion and your life to be exact.

I’d feel the urge of traveling, the urge of extreme horniness, extreme lust for fashion. I don’t know if it is out of weirdness of oneself.

Sometimes, I feel so confused. I succumb to that belief that all dreams will come true, and that we live one day at a time. Heck, sometimes, these jargons of life makes me sick. I see people traveling, I see people buying new stuff, having lots of money, which I don’t have. I know I feel a little bit overrated on this part, but this just shows how irrelevant life is sometimes. I’d freaked out if I see new shoes being given to me for free. Damn Daniel!

On the other hand, I also feel that aggressiveness and a certain calmness that I can say can make a dead man live again. I would feel inspired, I would feel decisive and moved. And that dreams will do come true, in some certainty.

Regardless of its notion, I am human. As I am writing this, I am broke, and that I’ve lost my money. That I don’t know how to live again the next day. It’s irritating to sound like a broken record, but humans need a fucking bucks to live each day. And that is a fact of life that we tend to shift off. We always say, “man cannot live by bread alone”, damn. “No a man must live with a bread on his hand so he can eat that and live the next day. Fact! I don’t despise those who live faithfully and true to what their beliefs are. I just couldn’t be that impractical bitch trying to solve the world’s problem by telling them that.

I’m shedding tears in confusion. Let all souls be in peace and realized that we must be practical in life. And that dreaming is not dreaming when it doesn’t happened in real life at all. So as when I lust for an extreme fuck and or new shoes and whatnot, this weirdness is too much. Let alone all my frustrations be cast out and burned. I’m going… Ciao!

FIGHT BACK

2016-03-06T06:40:00.000-08:00

"When the going gets tough, the tough get going"

I felt it, I know it is hard to train and just lose a game without fighting hard and you
yourself knew you could pull off and play more. Say fight! But the ball is round, it is mainly not your time. But hey, hear me! You are the Queen, you know losing a battle is fine- but to win the war it takes a lot of works, struggles and determination to achieved it. It would never be a walk in the park, you know this. Human as we are, we can be beaten down. And it just happened today. On the other hand, You should be happy because it happened today, not in the finals or semi-finals. There are a lot to work on, I know. Which you can basically hasten it, perfect it. You can do it!

Losing twice isn't good. I was frustrated while watching the game. I know the team can do more, can deliver goods way beyond our expectations. While watching, I saw your frustrations, your nerves had gotten into you. The Queen is nervous. Which I panicked. The Queen should composed herself back, the Queen should stay calm and lead the squad. (Rolling eyes now)

The Queen must fight back. The signature spikes must be done. The drop-balls must be done. With my desperation, I was curing already. Slamming the table with my fist. Ugh, if only I could do something, but yes I could only watched you beaten in 4 sets. Sad. I punished myself, I went to the gym and just released that tension. It is just a bad day. It WAS.

My Lady, you have done so much for Volleyball to be this famous now. You brought stars to dream and to fight for their dreams to play in UAAP or NCAA. With this alone? You're a true winner. Regardless, if you win this season or not. You have opened so many doors for other afficionados to dream big. Young ones to start training! You are the true Queen. You have a bright future ahead of you! Beat that doubters and detractors. Those haters too, they're not worth it anyway.

Believe, Stay Focus and Play Happy. I want to take you back to the season 76 wherein you beat NU in the most spectacular manner. Two towers? Done. It was an uphill climbed,you even beat La Salle,and you've proven everyone that you can do it- and damn you won the championship for the first time for the school. The Queen was crowned! Hail to the Queen! From then on, nothing has changed. You will always be the Queen! Bear that in mind.

You might be beaten down now, but a true fighter never give up. Because a fighter knows he/she can always get back up and train harder. I never doubted your capabilities, your skills are way above everyone. What I want you to do? Get yourself back up, this are just humps to better you and the team.

There's no uphill climb if your heart remains strong. There are no obstacles that can hinder a Queen, if she's determined! I know you are! So fight! Show them your prowess. You are the MVP of the people. Mark that!

Always remember this: A team who play happy will surely win. You've seen it, La Salle and UP played happy and they won. My point is: Play HAPPIER. Put that Happiness inside the heart, wear it everyday. Strength and Skills are innate. But composure is hard to obtain. Because it takes a lot of adversities for the person to have it. Believe and have faith.

We love you. We all do. Fight back! Remember, you are the Queen! And the Queen shall reign majestic.

#FIGHTBACK #PLAYHAPPIER

No fucks given

2016-03-05T00:32:00.002-08:00

Crashed that! Oh hey, it's been a while since I fucked the blogosphere. All the while, I glanced at this blog and say nothin'. I go black out all the time. Losing the appetite to write and conjure thoughts.Though I've had a lot of things to say, or wanting to say it's just that I didn't have the courage to start drafting.

I've tried conjuring thoughts, drafting but it didn't go fruition. I don't know. I know I lacked inspiration these days. I've bummed out too much. Fucked out so much.

Traveled back to my city, got drunk. Found some newe friends and then now I'm back in Manila. Oh yeah, there are a lot of things really that had happened. So many things that I couldn't relay all right now. Uaap had started already, so it means my excitement everyday will be multiplied.

I think I'm a sex maniac too. Gosh, I've been thinking about dicks lately. Some inhumane sex escapades. I guess I'm normal, there's normality in sex anyway? Well I don't know. As long as I am not as hooked as fuck, then I guess I am normal. Let see how it goes.

I've started styling as well, I mean I'm back at it. I styled some gigs and hoping it'll go smoothly. I am crossing my fingers too. Damn this fashion dream, it keeps me awake at night. Ideas are fuming. Such a life eh?

Oh I just removed my friend from the friend's list on FB. I think her condescending approach towards my life is quite different already. We argued towards differences that We bothe know we cannot really changed. She has become more objective on her beliefs and faith. The bible, her own ways about God. I didn't hesitated removing her from my list. She wont be someone that I would hang and dwell with.

I gotta move on. Anyway, enough for now. I need some fuck!

Symphonious

2016-01-16T17:11:00.001-08:00

Take me back to the time where Abraham Lincoln still hunts vampire and slayed 'em, bring me back to the time where fairy-tales were of great stories to listened to, and make me wide eyed looking at the window imagining things and somewhat hallucinating for a fact that all these are impossible.

May the music takes me to the time where impossibilities could work. Oh the Jesus time, where miracles were allover the place and that faith was intact. Could've been a great journey.

May the lilting manner of a composed man be "casted" on me. So to learn to be brave and confident would never be an issue anymore.

May life brought back the astonishing stories of achievements of people who have passed away but their legacy have remained a symbol of hope, a beacon of fire to glanced at every time we fail.

Let life allows us to progress on our own, merited by our own struggles and awarded by our own diligence to live a life we all dreamed of living. It could be hard sometimes, but we aligned with what the universe conspired for us.

Grow and outgrow the pain, the fear and the grudge. Be a man that is strong, that is faithful, that is eager to help without any return. Be a man that is full of love and passion.

Be a man that you wanted to be and not what the society dictates you to be.

Marching on

2015-12-29T00:27:00.002-08:00

(some works I've done on 2015)

In two days time 2015 will be off the radar. Yet a new year will come, another 365 days of living. Some odyssey may take us somewhere new and some may console to the old kind of life that we are used to. It is encompassing to recognize how fast the time and days fly. It could be like a gush of the wind, from the moment that you closed your eyes to the moment that you opened it- it's another day and another journey. Same shits, but with a different variations.

In all aspect 2015 is quite a good year for the country, optimistically. I would sound hypocrite if I wont acknowledge the fact that we have gone through so much this year. Numerous typhoon, government corruptions, the SAF massacre and all those nerve wracking incidents that molded this country into either a tough one to beat or the one who have lost its faith to humanity.

On a positive note to myself: I am incredibly grateful for the growth as a person, there were so many ups and downs. Things that were eventual, things that were unplanned and all the nitty gritty a man could learned on his mid 20's. I couldn't be grateful enough with the growth of my career and to be part of fashion once again. To get in there easily and be part of it is just the best feeling of all.

When you've realized your worth and what you can do and how much skills and talent you have is such a great thing to consider. In addition, to know the people that you have admired and dressed them up is already a plus.

This year I was given a chance to style big celebrities through my boss who is equally great in the field of styling. The experiences were all worth it. To see Sarah G. first hand and to help her dressed up is not easy as one, two, three. To crashed with Angeline Q's insanity is amazing- this lady can sing and can eat a lot. Of course, I couldn't forget meeting Martin Nievera and Garry V. These two giants in showbiz taught me a lot of lessons in honing your talents. (they're mainly a pro, yet they always have time to rehearsed and practice) the bonus was to helped them be "dappered up" for ASAP.

This year I got a chance to meet and personally styled Piolo Pascual for a short period of time on his upcoming television series that will come out soonest. I know, every girls would envy. Not just that, to work with Toni G. and Sam Milby and learned something from them, their diligence on their call time is incredible. They are mainly the hard working horse!

Learning from these people, celebrities or not have made me appreciate the hard work and the money earned from it. Truly, when you worked hard for some bucks, it is better than being given to you.

Being closed to ending this year, I am thankful for everything that had happened. May it be good or bad- still it is an experience to a lifetime. To help me grow and a better person. To Alex M. Who helped me a lot (no need some mentioning) he sure knows what it is. Thank you man!

To the designers who extendedly let me borrow stuff from them. To Bang Pineda who at some point made me realized my worth as a person, and who as well taught me more about styling. It's a business with pleasure.

And to the feature we had in Mega whom at first and never in my entire life thought it would happened. Ugh, there is so much to be thankful and cringe for!

Life is good, it's better, it is great!

Thank God for all these!

Don't dream, it's over

2015-12-02T06:41:00.002-08:00

The gush of air, skips the beating heart, he doesn't care nor the world.He doesn't even know what country or place he's in today. He's been too so many places, but this one is a bit mysterious and all new to him.

He's so wet, while wallowing all the memories on what happened last night. He could only remember the sudden thug of light, and he lost his memory after it. He got up on his feet and started walking.

There are so many things going through his mind, his mom's illness, his rent in a bed space room he shared with 2 other people and the end date of his contract in it. "Where on earth would I scoured that 10,000 pesos". Squinting his eyes, he tried to shag away the thought. "I don't want stress today."

He is mostly alone, he can live by himself, do everything by himself. He got used to this routine, since setting foot in a big city back in the south 10 years ago, he was barely 16 then. All his innocence back in the day was pure.

When he looks back at it, he would just smile. Now, he is old enough, has dreams and goals. Yet still broke. Not to mention, he is mean sometimes and highly emotional. He is kind too. He's loving and most of all he love art and goes to the gym to maintain his physique. Quite a smarty-pants too- well more of a street smart person.

His dream is to make it somewhere far, somewhere big. That ilusions are made real, that dreams come true. That even the impossible things can happened. He promised it to himself, he will work on it and strive hard to make it happened.

"Hey now, hey now,don't dream- it's over."- the lilting words coming out from the radio. The words struck, the words has a tingling sensation in the ears. There's the liberation that he wants, freedom that he wants. And he doesn't know where to find them.

"Kuya Timmy, Kuya Timmy- alis na kami pa sarado nalang po yung pinto pag aalis na kayo."-the sudden jolt of reality kicked in. He's not dreaming. All of a sudden, he's problem came back. The rent for another place would cost him 10,000 pesos, the share of the bills, his mom and everything.

Don't dream, it's over. Should I tow my dreams now?

To the 25 year old me

2015-11-01T06:37:00.001-08:00

Much to be thankful for and much to be regretted. Much to appreciate and much to feel disdain. At 25, you have live a life full of ups and downs.

To the 25 year old me, how long will you endure the pain and how long will you be optimistic? Will you stay optimistic?

To the 25 year old me, fragile and full of havoc, to ease is to have peace. To the 25 year old me, finding your dream is not like buying a fast food. Dreams are prepared in a long amount of time. Patience.

tricks and turns

2015-09-14T07:30:00.000-07:00

Me and Bill will always have that unorthodox kind of relationship, I mean we started out 2 years ago. When I went back to Davao City. He lives in the America, at some point, it didn't occur to me that we would actually hit the bandwagon. But we did.

Then there were times where we would banter at each other, esp. me, I would banter at him, being so rude. As young as 24, I thought I would lose him and he will find another. Well according to him, he did found one, but yeah as per him. haha. And then there were times where we don't talk, like a month or two but then again here comes the "missing" point, where blatantly I would send him bulk of emails. I would always tell him my dreams, my future plans and everything that I wanted to do in life. He would just be there, responding to my email and telling me, encouraging me to go move and be free.

He has his tantrums too, his desperation. His anxiety and complains about his job, the people and anything that hurdle him that day. As an optimistic being, I always console him. I told him thesame as the ones he's telling me. And then life moves on.

I guess life had let us meet, let us rant and banter on each other. But at the end of the day, we settle on what's best for us. On what we truly are- HAPPY INSIDE. We just need to push, keep moving and be the better version of ourselves everyday.

Dreams do come true!

2015-08-03T21:13:00.002-07:00

OMG! An expression that effin' up all my struggles! I just had my glossy mag layout, and it's under me! I couldn't be happier to rave about it and just enjoy the moment. To continue celebrate it and do more for the love of fashion, taking a bite in it is just awesome.

I am thankful to be part of this, the journey is worth fighting for the second time around. It just feels really great to see my name written on that glossy magazine. It's an amazing fulfillment to be part of the creative team who put everything together and made it happened.

These are some of the things I've done lately. From commercial to print to celebrity styling under my new boss. So glad to be part of his team.

(that moment when you see your name written on this glossy mag? Just awesome! grab from Asian Dragon August issue)

(This one is from FHM)

Grinding life

2015-07-15T08:48:00.000-07:00

(from google)

It's been a while since the long gone hiatus of reconciling the past and making amends to what had been a lapse that caused me to fled away and left the dream undone. But gladly, everything's all patched up now. And there's nothing more fulfilling than finding peace and serenity in life, after all, humbling yourself and admitting that Ï made a mistake and I had screw my chance way back is a good thing in finding the inner peace that I have longed for.

For all I know, there are so many things to improve within me. So many things to learn to and a lot of thoughts to ponder to grow as a better person. My way up to the top is tough enough, that at some point I thought of giving up. But a man who can't live up to the expectation to grow and to achieve something before his time is useless. As much as I want to cuddle in bed and go back to Davao, I just could not. Life is there, but money is in Manila.

I would just suck myself thoughts and remember that this journey is all about taking a bite and enjoying the life as it supposed to be enjoyed. To be happy and to strive to be the best, the better version of me.

To continue living, and to make all those dreams come true. For my mom and for my family.

I am 25 and 10 lessons I have learned in life

2015-06-21T08:50:00.003-07:00

(from google)

I'd like to feel that every decision I made in life are worth it, as I gauge in the maturity level that I am in right now. I just celebrated my 25th birthday yesterday, nothing new. But definitely I am eager to plan things out for a better future. Gone are the days of bumming and settling on some things that aren't beneficial at all.

I have live a life full of surprises, full of grudge and some "not-so-good"to remember stuff, yet I am grateful for all of those. It made me realize to look out for myself more, be open to possibilities and be happy.

As I look back into that awesome 25 years of my life, tears started to roll down my cheeks. Looking back on those times when finding yourself was such a hard thing to do, when peer-pressure and discrimination were all at hand. It wasn't all up easy, it was a hard fought battle, being able to be where I am now (I know not so- successful) I just couldn't be happier. At some point I am able to adjust on how to deal with everyday life, with challenges and to always remain grateful and optimistic about life. In time everything's going to make sense.

I have jotted down the lessons I have learned in this 25th year of living in this planet earth.

1. Pray- mainly prayer made me stronger, if I am mad I would tell God, if I am thankful- I would tell Him.
2. Trust yourself- nothing beats like trust. When you have been through shits in life, all the things that you learn is to trust yourself thsat you can ace anything.
3. Fight for yourself- When everything falls down and you seemed to feel like you are degraded? Fight! No one will ever fight for you if you won't do it first. Fighting for ourselves is loving ourselves in all the right aspect.
4. Learning to accept my mistakes- this part right here was extremely hard for me. As my childhood was doomed. It wasn't easy growing up and the only thing inside your heart is tremor and grudge. I would always fight if I feel like I am being attacked. Regardless if it is my mistake. But as I grow up, I have learned to apologize and take the blame if it is my mistake.
5.Apologize- it is too hard to do so when you know you have pride. I would admit, it's excruciating doing so, but I am human and I do make mistakes. But there is nothing more fulfilling than apologizing sincerely.
6. Chase your dream and make them happen- Fashion will always be my first love. And I would fight for it, chase it until I will make it happen. God bless me.
7. Let your loved-ones know you love them- I regreted the years of not telling my family how much they means to me. I thank god for letting me realize I couldn't live without them.
8. Keeping your Real friends- one thing, friends will always be there. But having real friends is seldom to be found. So I treasure my Ate Faith and I am just blessed to have her in my life. We may not be going to see each other everyday, but we know that we love each other.
9. Have faith in our country, life and love- Having faith in all aspect of life can do wonders. And so does being grateful.

10. Be fabulous- with all the flaws I have, I can not change them all, but I can definitely make them flawsome!

I have so many things to jot down, but I let life alone take it step by step! God bless us all.

Reserve that Heart Tim

2015-06-15T06:46:00.000-07:00

~~"Reserve that heart Tim."~~ Just a thought, that somehow I could reserve myself for someone out there, that I truly deserved. It may be like hitting the haywire but I know it will come. It is always good to hope for something positive to happen rather than hitting the bandwagon all at the same time without even thinking twice.

So now I am reserving my heart. I am reserving my love for someone I truly deserved.

Unsettled thoughts

2015-06-03T06:51:00.000-07:00

(google images)

"Forever is composed of nows"

Nowadays most gay-guys would drool over looks rather than knowing the person before gutting out in bed. Merely, it is too impossible to find that person who doesn't just adore you but will love you faithfully. Nowadays it is by sheer chance to find someone who will accept all your flaws and will accept you the way you are and the way you see the world.

He may not be forcing you to change, instead he will let you just be yourself. Now I'm talking figuratively. Realizing how hard it is to battle it out in the society where social media is an indispensable tool in finding hook up, quick meet ups and the likes. It is by chance to land in someone's arm without knowing what is ~~Grindr~~, ~~Planet Romeo~~, ~~Scruff~~ and other social sites.

I admit that I'd met a handful of guys on these site, I am not clean enough to say I haven't dated anyone who happened to not know all of these. My point is: "it is easy to meet and fuck and it is easy to dispose as well." This is the given fact that we gay-guys know. There are so many hopefuls out there, so many people who wants to love and be loved. So many gays gutting it out to find someone, their forever- and yet their behavior towards dating is somewhat shallow. Is it because we can easily find someone if we get dump? Is it because by just showing our flesh online we could easily get a hook up? Sadly, it's a big yes.

I adore how my uncle taught me about forever, how he told me to take a chance out there but to remain principled about love and relationship. At some point it helped me think to always reserved myself for someone who will definitely love me. I am not trying to be mellow-dramatic, but I just believe that there is someone out there for me. And that principle cannot be taken away from me. It is better to hope, than to have never hoped at all.

Truly, our world is in one click away mode, everything is fast and we thank internet for that. But I also would like to remind everyone (gay-guys) to brace ourselves in taking a bite. We should always reserved our hearts, reserved ourselves for someone who will truly love us. It may be impossible to find that love, but hey like what I have said: "it is better to hope than to have never hoped to find someone that we deserved." We all do. The what if's are given, it all depends on us.

Everything is easy, fast and quick. But remember, if it is fast and quick, you already know the ending. Let us love ourselves and when we're able to nourish ourselves with the love that we needed, that's the time that we can truly find someone that we call our own.

There's so many broken souls out there, so many who are dying to be loved yet they don't even know how to give value in what God has given to them. We can never love others unless we are fully nourished with the love that we need. Believe in forever, because it is only those who believe that will truly deserved it. Perception is reality.

Because to love is to live and to live is to love.

Invisible

2015-05-19T01:44:00.000-07:00

I am not invisible, there's so much to be grateful about life, its stories and its tricks and turns. My weakness defines me that I am human, I cry in foul, I celebrate on my achievements and lucks. I am human as I made mistakes, I am not perfect and I will never be.

I love my life and everything that surrounds it. Everything that makes me perfectly imperfect. I have been to the loneliest place to wilderness, being sad and depress, endless tremor of fear, yet I choose to let go, to live and leave all my cares to the heavens heaven.

A far cry from all these struggles, pain and hurdles. I am better and I am strong.

I will win the battle. Because all this pain, it'll be invisible.

Flair of a wallflower

2015-04-20T10:58:00.000-07:00

Throwback to the years (2008-2009)where this song came out and where my innocence was at its peak, where discoveries are tantamount to being ignorant, indolence towards things. Where insecurities were the focal point for being young and naive. Disdainful and bragging.

Life back then was all about discoveries, from within myself and to the world. As I was scouring the whole place to fit in, pushing myself on learning the basics of being gay and the hardest part of overcoming the awkwardness that I had. It was indeed a battle of composure. As others felt good about themselves, had this and that, I found myself in misery. A total mess, out of that innocent face lies a dream, a dream to make it in life, to be real and to be able to discover my strengths as an individual.

Truly, finding ourselves could be daunting. There has been a lot of influences we may encounter, changes inside and outside of our body. Our being that is dictated by the society. Where physical is up above the cut, and the standard of beauty is based on the physical alone. (As is for today anyway)

My point here is that, there was a time in my life where I was awkward, bitter and indecisive. Filled with fear to do things I love and choosing to step back when I could always step forward. Back in those years where I tried to keep myself away from the guidance of my family. And experienced the massive changes that a young soul could bear. Gladly I may have stumbled upon those rocks, tiptoed upon the fire and cried in wallow because of my actions, yet I gladly studied the walks of life, the way it treats people and the way must I live my life.

I was bitter about my physical appearance, Learning to better myself was a step by long step next. Harrowing, taunting and painful. Criticisms were undefined. I look like this and that awful.. yadah yadah.. yadah..

I had too much to bear, to much to carry and yet I had a lot to learned to. Everything was a massive 180 degree sudden change. From a low key kid to a more aggressive and hurtful teenager. Indecisive as I was, I had tried to cross the limits of being young, experimented with different types of things a person could learn. Some succeeded but mostly I failed in disdain.

Fast forward to today and how I see my future, I can say it is a lot different from those innocent yet aggressive years. Way better when it comes to decision-making and a much more mature lad who knows his priorities in life. A loving friend and a person full of goals to achieve. I am still the person whom I described, but this is the better version of him. Mature and happy. There are nuances in my life these days but damn it, I am vividly guided by my experiences and the mistakes I have learned to not to do it again. I am better when it comes to thinking, when it comes to how I look, a more satisfied and accepting individual.

And most importantly I am confidently handsome according to how I see myself and how I see the world.

Way to go for me, I still have a lot to carry, puzzles to solve and challenges to be facing but hear me I can handle it with grace under pressure. Life is always a battle between me, myself and I. As I grow older I also tend to realize the importance of the people around me and their contributions in my life.

Way to go. I am excited and happy to be living this rhetorical life I have. Thank you Lord.

Bold yet Sweet

2015-04-18T03:20:00.002-07:00

This picture speaks a thousand words.

The LGBT community was ecstatic upon seeing this photo. Everyone was raving about this couple- sweet and bold as most of us tagged it.

Sweet enough that it depicted the kind of relationship most us wanted to have, to be able to do things that we love, show to people that we can do anything in the name of love. True enough that this is a symbol of sweetness at its heights. I couldn't agree more.

Bold that made everyone raved, made everyone wonder and made everyone wants to have that kind of relationship. The picture didn't just show us boldness, it also shows happiness and that everyone no matter what gender you belong you have the RIGHT to show your emotions, your affection towards the person you love.

I am not certain if this couple is for real or just another bold statement for equality rights. Regardless, it drooled us to hope and to fight for our feelings. It gives us the notion that it could happened to those who seeks for love, and that LGBT community can be sweet by showing off their affection in public and can be bold by standing up for what we believe is fair and right for us.

May God bless their relationship!

One last time, til we meet again..

2015-03-16T07:16:00.000-07:00

My heart beats so fast, my trembling voice couldn't utter words clearly. It was fast, it was shocking and even maddening to know what happened. Gasping for air as I loose balance on my sit. I lost grip upon reading the comments, while my eyes are running down the stream of comments and condolences.

Wait! what happened?

Gazing on the RIP and words of condolences made me shut off. I was hesitant at first, I was trying to decipher a joke that may be going on in this post. I was trying to figured out that it could've been just a piece of insanity as we humans like doing it. I scrolled down through messages and comments, the responses between friends and those who know him virtually. One thing that was in unison: ~~Chuck is dead~~.

I faltered into my knees.Tears flew. My nerves were shaking. The news was just effin' terrible. I couldn't believed it. It's absurd, it is to much to bear. I was asking a lot of information, a lot of questions then started to sank in. Why? What happened? What's the cause of his death?

Again I went through all those comments and saw his immediate family and his best friend Alex. I hurriedly sent them a message. And the response was terrible. ~~He died because of steroids, an overdose of it that lead to Cardiac Arrest.~~ And so then the tremor of losing a friend kicked in. Questions have been answered, and the only thing that is hard to accept was- Chuck is gone. Chuck is dead.

"I have lost a good friend and that is you Chuck. An inspiration in life, a bad ass yet so cool and vulnerable. You're always this visionary in life. When you love, you give it your all. When you make friend, it's genuine. It is so surreal to find such a combination in someone. Yet you've got it man. It's just sad that you've left us undone and too soon man, too soon. If only I had the time to tell you about steroids and its bad effects to our health, and if only I did motivated you in using Whey protein instead. Or may have told you to just go natural.

It's pretty clear now, it is clear that you're gone. That we have lost you and the only thing that we have right now is the memories of your insanities, your coolness and those words of inspirations in life. Dude, you're the man for that. I wanted to hug you, I wanted to let you know that You're my kuya. Well, I know you know this from the very beginning since we crossed out path in social media. You're awesome- but that awesomeness is gone, that "kalbo lad full of swag" is gone. I wanted you to know that everyone is in shock. Everyone is in disbelief. But what can we do? Death is imminent, but let me assure you- your kindness and the joy you brought to us will remained forever in our hearts. We love you Chuck. Til we meet again."

Timmy

Gay Love

2015-02-25T21:49:00.000-08:00

We've been hearing great gay story of love and destiny. We've been dreaming of that same thing to happened to us, we've been longing that one day, crossing fingers it would come to you. We can't also hide the fact that we've tried to experiment, take chances and fight for what we thought is love.

The kind of gay fairy tales we see in social media, those IG messages for someone's lover, those pictures in Facebook that we gravitate so much for being so romantic and sweet for them. We check on youtube to be inspired by those videos about love and how to make it strong.

Unconsciously we've experimented a lot. Sometimes even our standards have been sacrificed, as we believed that there is no standards when it comes to finding someone and finding love.

But we missed some things about finding that love that we have longed for.As for me who is on the chase of finding that one kind of love that i know of, it is pretty hard to just adjust on someone's predicament, his life and the way he lives it. It is also hard to make a deal on staying faithful and true to the relationship.

As far as I know, there is no perfect relationship. Not that I know of someone who never fight, who never cheat or let say who stand during the test of lust or "the taste of Meat?" perhaps?. It is purely hard. But the one who fights, the one who stays strong is the one who deserves love.

Some of you may tell me I just talk and not walking the talk. I would agree, the longest relationship I've had was 3 years, if only I've been strong enough to fight or to save the memories we could've stayed strong now, we could've been together now. But I am only human. I was weak and too aggressive, to hurtful maybe?

But those lapses taught me so much, it taught me to understand the fact that Listening is a key factor on understanding the situation. I admit that I tend to be nagger and rude, I always wanted to get what I want- yet forgetting the other side of his. He needed his life, his friends and everything that he has long before I'v arrived. I missed this point.

Gays has that insatiable appetite for guys, hot guys, weird guys, horny guys and so on and so forth. We always wanted to meet new guys, make new friends or even meet for a plain sex. I do it sometimes, I am not new to this. When horny strikes, we can surely stay late, we can surely rummage parks, bars, malls or even private rooms to hook up and get laid in. Yes, we do this. We gays are not faithful enough, we are not pure enough for someone- but we are a believer that there's someone out there who could change us and makes us a better version of ourselves.

We may go haywire, we may commit mistakes again, but a better and improved self-respect is what we gained from all these. We are gays, and we believed in Love and Relationship.

Revert

2015-02-10T06:43:00.000-08:00

More than anything, one of the stuff I hate the most is goodbye, that certain and distinct feeling of longing is way harsh for me. It doesn't just beat me up inside, it burns me too.

I and my friend was talking about his new location and me sorting out my priorities. He will be teaching in some remote area as part of his job. I as well told him that I will be needing to go back to Manila and get a job, sort out everything. Saved.

But what's my point here? I hate goodbye. I met this new friend of mine for like a month ago and from then on, we clicked. No emotional and personal desires or anything. We just clicked as friends as pure as that.

We talked about stuff, about boys and sexcapades. We cackled, we eat together, we have dramas and we have hopes and dreams. He's twice as my age, but he is just fabulous. He can make the dead live again once more. He may be loving horror movies and horror books (which I am not so fond of) but he's lovely.

There are so many things I have learned from him, from kindness to sharing happiness and to looking out for each other. And making someone feels not alone. He is guided by his experiences and things that had happened in the past. He's got more scars than me, he's got more grueling stories and some of those are gruesome enough to jot down.

He admitted that he had live life in haywire, he as well acknowledge the fact that he is making up for it. Nonetheless, he knows who he is and what he wants in life.

Brilliant beyond measure and avtrue person if you know him, so kind that I couldn't even imagine how it is going to be like when we part ways. I am all alone, and I have gotten used to it. But being with him and listening to his nuances, it's beyond amazing.

Truly, when we found someone who is good to us, whom we can lean on and whom we can share our lives and secrets or even our weirdest habits that without any judgment he/she would take it, just because he respect you and love you.

Parting ways is surely a pain in the ass for me. I hate goodbyes, I hate that oblivion process, that agonizing feeling. Fighting alone with a broken sword and with no shield.

It feels good when you found good people who let you feel welcome and admired you just as who you are, and who have accepted your weirdness whole-heartedly. It is amazing and it's beyond measure.

I know our journey will take us somewhere, somewhere far, we may not going to see each other again but I am grateful, I am happy and so blessed to meet and be with a good friend that I call my refuge, that I call a "true friend". I will missed you Craig, I will miss the moments of us together. Your boys, my mantra, out tantrums and our hopes and dreams.

Our story will always be amazing, We will be even more fabulous, as we inked this world pink.

Kudos to that great friendship. I love you my friend.

Vacancy

2015-02-01T03:48:00.000-08:00

As I look inside, I saw nothing. I saw nothing but the evidence of emptiness and sorrow, I was trying to shook off the vision, but the resounding echo of it made me collapsed. I lost track of everything.

If you hold me now and leave me never, I will surrender. Uttered words of loneliness, uttered words of longing to have you back, to have you hear by my side. Cuddle me when I mostly needed it. When the boredom will try to kill me. When the only hope is you.

As I tried to look around, all I can feel is the maiming sound of a broken window. Its little cracking sound made me exasperate. I hate this feeling. Out in this wilderness is my soul, recognizing all the blanching thoughts pouring out of my brain.

Please hold me now. Please..