In Between Days

Merry Christmas, 2010

2011-01-21T23:31:00.002-07:00

It’s December again and that means it’s the holiday season. But it’s also time to reflect on the year that was 2010.

What did I do this year? I worked at the golf course and had a few bad relationships (with girls). The 1st girl was into “role playing” in the bedroom which would have been okay if I could have chosen my own role. She was always a “college cheerleader”, a “sexy nurse” or a “domineering secret agent”. Me? She always wanted me to have the same role: her ex-boyfriend. A small price to pay to visit Historic Downtown DonQ, I thought, but the relationship fizzled…

The second girl was an egotistical beauty queen who was annoying as she was full of herself. Once, when I’d had enough, she said, “I’ve modeled on the runways of New York!” I asked which one. JFK or La Guardia? I haven’t heard from her in a while…

Since my brain injury hasn’t totally healed, I do a lot of stupid crap. I’ll mix up 7-11 with 9/11 sometimes. I’ll show up at Ground Zero looking to get some jerky and maybe a Slurpee.

I was admonished by the neighbor lady over a snowman that I’d made. It’s true, the snowman DID have a sizeable phallus that I fashioned from a cucumber and some grapes, but it was tastefully done, I thought. It was her contention that I should have made a uni-sex “snowperson.” Whatevs…

One of the revelations released from Wikileaks in secret documents was that Kris Kringle or “Santa Claus” was not born at the North Pole as history celebrates. Apparently, he was born in Kenya before moving northward to be the international Christmas representative. And it appears that he also has a well-kept secret drug problem. His corn cob pipe? Loaded with Salvia.

But all of the events of 2010 weren’t all bad.

* The popularity of President Obama has surged to an unprecedented 93%.
* Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Kanye West, Jesse James and Mel Gibson took the year off to spend more time with their family
* We still have one Golden Girl
* Jessica Simpson has maintained her Daisy Duke-like petite figure
and,

* Jersey Shore was resigned to a 15 year, $1,345,000,000 deal

Like I said, personally, not my best year, but for a lot of people, it was the evolution of awesome.

To all of you, I wish you a very Merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Even Dave Madden. Even though he stole Scarlett Johansen away from Ryan Reynolds. THAT wasn’t cool! Kinda hot… But not cool!

Anyway,

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM DONQ®

November News

2010-11-14T21:31:00.001-07:00

President Bush’s new memoir, Decision Points, was finally released to, surprisingly, a very accepting audience. Said one third-grader, “I liked it when he kept getting his head stuck in the banister on the stairs. That was funny.” In an unfortunate decision from the publisher, the book was not released in a “choose your own adventure” format. This feature would have allowed readers not to invade Iraq, not listen to Dick Chaney, to show up in New Orleans within a respectable timetable and keeping oil companies from making more of a profit than they ever have ever, in the history of ever. On the other hand there are some delightful pictures in the book.

Bristol Palin remains on ABC’s Dancing With The Stars and is heading to the finals despite doubts from many Blue Dog Democrats who doubted her knowledge of the “rhythm method.”

Kanye West has apologized for suggesting that George Bush does not care for black people. Apparently it was a quote from Bush’s new book that turned West’s head around. Bush stated, “I used to own the Texas Rangers, for crying out loud! If I didn’t own—I mean have black people on the team—we would have been in last place every year.”

A bipartisan group dedicated to coming up with a reasonable plan to fix the tattered U.S. economy suggested changing the retirement age from 62 to 69. Most U.S. workers are understandably upset about the prospect, but the most disgruntled employees seem to those working in the adult film/porn industry.

Wade Phillips was fired as head coach from the Dallas Cowboys. After his less-than-stellar record coaching the Cowboys, it was widely speculated that his departure was imminent. On the upside for Phillips, after being fired, he does qualify for Seasonal Unemployment.

Jessica Simpson became engaged to the NFL’s Eric Johnson, her new beau of 6 months. It’s rumored that they “have to get married” because, obviously, she’s in her 2nd trimester. Those “mom” jeans she’s been sporting, I have to assume, are mostly elastic. If she’s not pregnant, my apologies, of course, but damn…

After being kicked off DWTS, Audrina Patridge's mother was spotted ranting, “I’ve had it. I’ve been a celebrity mom eight years through this Hills bullsh*t, but Audrina’s going to the next level, baby. F—ing Hills girls – Hills tramps! My baby’s a star! She’s the only one that has some class and I don’t give a f— about it.” After witnessing said rant, Judd Apatow, wunderkind producer, announced the leading role in his new production, “Arthur 3: That bitch wants to bring it on? Let’s go!”

Ready to make his acting debut, Bill Clinton has filmed a guest spot on the much awaited movie "The Hangover 2". According to People magazine, the former commander-in-chief portrays himself during a brief appearance shot in Bangkok, Thailand. Apparently this installment of the Hangover will also breach the taboo subject of “ratards.”

Finally, it was revealed in George W. Bush’s recent memoir than the entire White House staff knew that the ex-president hated using a toilet after someone else citing the “icky warmth.” Understandably his quick thinking staff incorporated a refrigerated bidet that more than pleased Bush but quickly got the attention of visiting foreign dignitaries.

I’m sure that there will be more to happen. And I’m sure that everyone, including Jessica Simpson, will eat way too much on Thanksgiving, but have a nice holiday anyway. You might as well.

DonQ

I Am Running For Mayor

2010-10-31T02:34:00.003-06:00

I’ve decided I’m running for mayor.

Wasilla, Alaska needs me. Of course I am afraid of wolves, hate the cold, and have really no flannel to speak of in my stylish, GQ-esque, lavish wardrobe, but when a town needs me, I show up with bells on! (Not literally, I mean that metaphorically. Don’t come to any of my rally’s just to see me rockin’ the bells. It’s just a figure of speech).

It seems that my only competition is a Mr. Levi Johnston. He is starring in a reality show "Loving Levi: The Road to the Mayor's Office," which will be based on Johnston as he tries to balance his life, run for office and being a father to his and baby mama Bristol Palin’s son Tripp. Okay. He didn’t get his high school diploma, his kid’s name is Tripp and his favorite band is Kottonmouth Kings. Yeah. He doesn’t puff the Cheebah…

Although Wasilla is where Sarah Palin got her start in politics, moving up from City Council to mayor before winning election as Alaska's governor in 2006, that is not why I am running for mayor.

I know, I know. “Don, you’ve got more skeletons in your closet than Jeffrey Dahmer.” True. There are a few things that could hinder my mayoral attempt.

For instance, yes, it’s true that I am openly straight. Verne Rupright, the outspoken current mayor of Wasilla, maintains that he is 100% heterosexual, but come on. He’s always got his car in Trent Buschar’s repair shop and hangs around “til the job’s done.” Nobody’s car breaks down twice a week. Even if it is a Saab. Who is he kidding?

Yes, it’s true that I have a brother who is a Mormon Extremist and his religious/political beliefs have landed him on the No Fly List and he is less than welcome at any political rallies, swap meets, Denny’s, scout-a-rama’s or church basketball games.

According to the Wasilla city clerk, the next mayoral election is in 2011. That means I have a few months to get my message out there. Levi Johnston? He has no message! When he appeared on The View he said, “At this point in time, I couldn't tell you," after Whoopi Goldberg asked what his political platform was. "I said I was running for mayor, what, a month ago?" He added, “I have a three step plan: get some really tricked out rims for my truck, win my Fantasy Football League this year, and then get a platform. In that order.”

I want to be mayor because I understand the problems facing Wasilla. The moose problem? I’ve seen every Rocky & Bullwinkle show, so I think I know how to handle that particular situation. And if a squirrel problem arises? No problem there either.

Teen runaways have been a major issue as of late in the greater Wasilla area. My solution? Recreational drugs for the kids. If teens can forget that they live in Alaska or at the very least, get can get their mellow on while enjoying gallons of hot chocolate in front of the fire, they are way less likely to run away. Or even think about it.

I do not see homelessness as a problem. The guys in Vegas or L.A. who live in a cardboard box and stuff their clothes with newspapers to keep warm? Yeah, they’d last about 45 minutes in Wasilla, Alaska. Problem solved.

As you can see, I am perfect for the mayoral position. Sure I might be a flaming heterosexual, but don’t hold my Don Q. Juan ways against me. I just want to focus on Wasilla. Levi Johnston? He wants to focus on whether or not Tony Romo is going to be back this season, because like a jackass, he picked him as his fantasy football quarterback.

I believe in Wasilla, I have heard of Wasilla, and I will make Wasilla as good as it can be considering its many geographic disadvantages. Vote for me the next time they elect a mayor of Wasilla. Whenever that may be.

(I am DonQ and I approved this e-mail)

October, 2010 News

2010-10-29T11:19:00.001-06:00

Charlie Sheen led this week’s news with a breakdown in a posh New York hotel with a girl who may or may not have been a hooker. His publicist claims that the emotional outburst was due to an adverse reaction to medication that he was taking, or as Wikipedia calls it, “a bad trip.” That Charlie! He could beat a nun to death with a sack of puppies and he’d still be “good ol’ Charlie” to everyone.

The alleged Tiger Woods sex tape has been proven to be a phony after the entertainment world was abuzz with the possibility of a new celebrity sex tape. I could have told them it was fake. Tiger takes off his WHITE Nike golf shirt before fornicating with what can only be described as a “woman.” On the bottom right hand part of the screen, the date is shown to be Sun. Nov. 7, 2007. EVERYONE KNOWS TIGER ONLY WEARS RED ON SUNDAYS!

President Obama seems to be losing his massive appeal with fellow Democrats in the upcoming November election. Democratic National Committee Chairman Tim Kaine made clear in an interview with "Fox & Friends" last week that he thinks candidates are more and more distancing themselves from the president. It’s kind of like in high school when you invite that one kid to the party just to be nice, then you are mortified when he wants to hang out with you all night. You’re telling the girls at the party, “I don’t know… He kind of looks up to me and follows me around.” And you tell the guys, “I don’t know who invited him… maybe someone should just take him home.”

The New York Gubernatorial debate has been electrified with “The rent is too damn high” party candidate, Jimmy McMillan. Other than “rent” I am not sure exactly what Jimmy stands for, but you have to admire a guy that reminds you of both Uncle Remus AND Colonel Sanders. And in his defense, the rent IS too damn high.

Speaking of Partys, China has released a statement concerning the growing popularity of the Tea Party movement in the United States. China claims, “Yeah, we started a Tea Party about 1,000 years ago and that lasted a good 3 years before we became Communists. Way to ‘take your country back’ you stupid Americans.”

Lindsay Lohan was allowed to enter rehab instead of heading back to jail, making what has to be her eighth stint in rehab. She’d better be careful though or she might fall victim to California’s new “9 Strikes and You’re Out” policy.

You know how I know you’re gay? You know who’s out on “Dancing With the Stars.”

Brett Favre is under fire for sending racy e-mails and pictures to Jets sideline hostess Jenn Sterger. Allegedly in 2008, Favre sent pictures of himself, along with voicemails soliciting sexual encounters. Note to Brett: if you’re going to send a picture of your junk to impress a girl, take a picture of one of you’re lineman’s junk. Your head won’t be in the shot so she’ll never know and even if she doesn’t accept a rendezvous with you, maybe she’ll show all her friends and word will get around town about “how well-endowed that Favre guy is.” I’m just sayin’.

On the local Public Access channel, they’ve started a new reality show called “Real house wives of Sevier County.” It’s entertaining, I guess, but I have to wonder if all of those girl fights at Bunco are staged.

That’s it for October. Happy Halloween!

July, 2010 News

2010-07-09T08:52:00.005-06:00

Well, it’s almost our nation’s Independence Day, so I thought I’d inform you of newsworthy activities that have occurred but you were bar-b-queing, so you might have missed them.

The U.S. found some Russian spies that have infiltrated our country. Apparently, they’ve got the market cornered on vodka but now want to take over the bourbon industry, I guess. I don’t mind the Russkies having spies over here, but couldn’t they do better than Boris Badenov’s 2nd cousins? I mean, try not using the mail-order Russian spy program is all I’m saying.

Jordan van der Sloot has changed his plea in his Peruvian murder case to “not guilty”. That kid… Maybe it’s just me but Jordan seems to be tarnishing the entire van der Sloot name. Next year, the worst thing you can name your child will be Hitler van der Sloot!

President Obama at a press conference in Maryland said that the economy is getting better. He cited the fact that we are doing better than last year. Not that I don’t like the smoking lug, but comparing the current U.S. situation to the worst time in American history is not setting the bar too high. That’s like Tiger Woods telling Elin, “Hey, at least I didn’t do your sister.” I’m just saying.

Texas is trying to enact legislation to make homosexuality a felony. Seriously. It would be illegal to engage in homosexual activity in the state of Texas. I can only assume that being “fabulous” would be a Misdemeanor and Show Tunes would now be considered “contraband.”

British Petroleum (BP) tried this week to oust Jesse James as the most hated figure on the planet. Their motives seem a bit extreme, I think. Sure, the beaches of 8 states will be soiled, there will be a drastic seafood shortage, millions will lose their jobs do to a failing industry, a few species will go extinct, and it is just way to slick to surf in Texas right now. That seems a bit much to become America’s most hated figure. I mean, really, all Jesse James did was cheat on America’s sweetheart with a Nazi.

Robert Byrd, the senator from the less-than-great state of West Virginia died at 92. He was more than a little taken back when he arrived at the Pearly Gates only to discover that God was black. Senator Byrd was also puzzled by the lack of long, white robes and the ubiquitous amount of over-sized FUBU t-shirts. Wow. Eternity must make 92 years looks like a cakewalk.

Paris Hilton was not charged with pot possession in South Africa after authorities claimed that they had seen her enjoying marijuana with friends at a World Cup Soccer match. Well, yeah! How can you even pretend to enjoy soccer (no, I’m not going to call it football!) without some help from Mary Jane? You don’t think that the 100,000 people blowing into a Vuvuzela aren’t a little high? Its kick ball with no bases! You HAVE to be loaded to even care about a match. The same thing with Wimbledon. If you watch Wimbledon, you probably also have “Twilight: Eclipse fever.” And therefore you must be gay.

So maybe don’t move to Texas.

I’m just saying.

DonQ

Deficit, shmeficit

2010-01-10T14:19:00.004-07:00

On the news the other night, President Obama claimed that the U.S. could possibly go bankrupt. I knew that the U.S. was 12.13 trillion in debt, but I thought, hey, no biggie. Everyone’s in debt. Plus, other countries know we’re good for it, right? But…

I can fix this. And I didn’t even finish college (college is hard!). I’m only a few credits short. BUT. I can fix this.

NASA announced a $17.6 billion budget for fiscal year 2009. Don’t do this. Even if we do find water on the moon, that’s only going to create competition for Mount Olympus (a nice American-based company and not some “moon-based company”). Let’s fix things down here before we look to galaxies far, far, away. Boom! 17 billion saved!

I’ve noticed that people like to get high. I’m not judging, but congress hates this. We even have a “war on drugs” so we can stop Joe the Plummer from getting high. The U.S., this year, has spent $19,279,628 on the federal level and $29,594,230 on the state level. Is it working? It’s bumped the price of a dime bag of pot a few bucks, but really, that’s about it. If you want to go about things legally, you can get a prescription for almost anything. Pfizer, has annual sales of about $48 billion. Why? PEOPLE LIKE TO GET HIGH. Drop the war on drugs and tax legalized marijuana? 48+ millions saved!

You know what else people like? Their cars. Former General Motors Corp. Chairman and CEO Rick Wagoner retired Aug. 1 with a pension and benefit package the automaker valued at more than $10 million. So when you ask the salesmen why that Chevy Surburban is so much, he’s likely to say, “Hey, our CEOs hafta eat!” And if GM can’t afford to pay this man his $10 million? We bail them out with your income tax. Considering the $3.9 trillion bailout is about 25% of the U.S. economy, I think bailouts are necessary, because if we wouldn’t have bailed them out? Poor Rick would only get something in the hundreds of thousands.

And what do our cars run on? Gas. Mostly. I read that ExxonMobil CEO Lee Raymond received a $400 million retirement package. I think there may be a slight mark-up in oil. I buy Japanese because, well, their CEO’s don’t require a retirement package, thus passing the savings on to moi. And screw GM. We didn’t bail out Honda, yet they’re still doing okay.

Where else can we save some coin?

Education. Education is being touted as “Necessary to today’s youth.” All told, we’ve spent more than $480 billion on public education. Have you talked with some of the kids in Utah? They think “sa-um” and “mou-uns” are actual words. I say, save the money and let the kids learn from their parents. Their parents are smart. They buy American! Call a spade a spade and drop education budget? 480 billion saved!

I was going to go back to work at the golf course this year until I found out that the government will pay you NOT to grow certain crops. It’s a no-brainer! I’m just going to stay home and not grow some crap and collect the paycheck. And if they drag their feet on my funds? I’ll threaten them!

“Pay me, or I’ll grow beets! I’m not kidding! I’ll do it!” Then, I’ll sit back, not grow beets and count my government money.

Wars.

I have to be honest. I really don’t care about the Afghan people. Or the Iraqi people. I barely care about people I know, let alone people across the globe in a desert where I’m not going to be headed for Spring Break. We could pull out now and save about $234 trillion in Afghanistan and $709 trillion in Iraq. Have families home for Christmas? 934 billion saved. You’re welcome.

So who votes on and approves all of these great ideas? Senators and politicians. Senators and politicians who are voting on a health care plan that won’t affect them. They’re already covered. They try to fix Social Security, which is not applicable to them. They’re already covered. The annual base salary of each senator, as of 2009, is $174,000. The annual base salary for each congressman is the same. During the Constitutional Convention, Benjamin Franklin considered proposing that elected government officials not be paid for their service. Other Founding Fathers, however, decided otherwise. Phew!

So we have this debt, I guess. How can we spend more money than we have? China has bought more than $1 trillion of American debt. We owe other countries as well as China, which we directly owe 800 billion dollars. (Although China said we can’t have any more money until all of our chores are done. ALL of them!)

If I were to base my personal finances on the U.S.’s example, I’d take $100 and spend it on a bottle of Glenfiddich, a new Callaway driver, a car, a Gibson Les Paul, commission a portrait of myself, buy nicer rugs, get a Shammy™, buy some 8-12 count shrimp, get some more Ray Ban®s, get some Heineken for visiting company, and have Brad and Angelina over for my New Years party, even if it’s more than $50 for an appearance fee (it’s worth it!). If that comes to a little over $100, I’ll just start a deficit.

That’s what you do right? I'm just saying.

October News

2009-10-20T09:18:00.001-06:00

Man.

October has turned out to be quite eventful. And not just because of the turning leaves, which supposedly, are pretty. No, there are things happening now that make Nostradamas say, “WTF?” And some of it, I am appalled by. Really.

Since when did building and releasing a pretty balloon become illegal? Richard Heene would like to know! He’s a scientist. That’s what scientists do! Ben Franklin flew a kite and discovered electricity. Just imagine if they would have advanced charges against Mr. Franklin. A lot of scientists use balloons. They’re popular. They are good for safe-sex and discovering things. Nigel Framingham, who discovered static electricity? He did it with his hair… and a balloon! Richard Heene merely used a balloon to find out how to expedite media saturation using Falcon, the FAA, the FBI and CNN. It was just a scientific experiment, but no one realizes that.

Halloween will be celebrated on Oct. 31st by boys and girls 6-12 or by major sluts who have been looking for and excuse to walk around nearly naked and go to a bar where they hope to be oogled and bought drinks due to an extreme lack of self esteem/confidence brought on by that one boy who wouldn’t give her the time of day in Middle School. Poor whores.

Obama’s Health Care plan is under major scrutiny. I don’t totally understand the plan advanced by the Democratic Party. I guess it has to do with the uninsured, insurance companies and employer’s requirement to insure all employees. Man, there is a lot of chatter on this topic. Like most Americans, I relate the topic to ME. I was hit, head on, by a man who had over 20 alcohol-related violations on his record. He got a DUI, a month earlier. Then he hit me, DUI. Geico decided to insure him, so he was covered. Since I was an employee of Richfield City, and they didn’t offer medical insurance to someone in my position, and because Richfield City is evil and worships the devil, he was covered, but I was not. Good thing I had an extra $240k on my dresser, cause if not? I’d be screwed. I assume everyone has $200-300k on their dresser, so I think the status quo is just fine. The insurance companies deserve all the billions that they make because it takes a lot of stones to insure a man with over 20 alcohol violations on his record. And keeps getting them. You have to admire Geico. And what a cute lizard!

Brett Farve is undefeated (so far) in the NFL guiding the Minnesota Vikings. His story is such an inspiration that NBC is planning a made-for-TV special about him starring Kirk Douglas as the spunky but talented Brett Favre. I don’t know. Kirk Douglas is a great actor, but wearing the makeup to make himself look older? I’m skeptical. I mean, he dialed in Spartacus, but Brett Favre? We’ll see.

Rod Blagojevich is set to be one of the contestants on Donald Trump’s “The Apprentice.” Between The Donald and Blagojevich, it is set to be a cosmetology fantasy camp. Between Blagojevich’s Ocean Spray logo hair swoop and Trumps’ hairpiece-gone-evil coif, the ratings should be phenomenal. I’m just saying.

President Barrack Obama is still having “beer summits” to find out whether or not to send more or less people to Afghanistan. I’d send in, maybe five. I’d send in Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, Sylvester Stallone, Jackie Chan and Lindsay Lohan. I mean, I know Lindsay probably wouldn’t make it, which I’m fine with, but the other guys? Damn. I’ve seen them defeat bigger countries than Afghanistan. And while they do it or after they do it? They always say something cool.

Janet Napolitano, the Director of Homeland Security for the Obama administration, offered a controversial remedy for the Swine Flu last week. It seems Medical Marijuana stops the Swine Flu in its tracks. Since the ambiguous marijuana laws differ from state to state, some areas of the U.S. are, like, way better off to stave off the new flu. For instance, California? Dude! No Swine Flu. Utah? They expect losses of more than 300,000 citizens. I wish I could pick which ones…

Anyway, there are way more stories that are happening, but Leave it to Lamas is almost on, so, well, you know. Have a great Halloween and I hope you have a great, unique costume. And if you’re a whore? I hope several people buy you drinks and marvel at your cheerleader/Playboy Bunny/stripper costume. You deserve it. The free drinks should more than make up for your Daddy Issues.

Cash For Clunkers

2009-08-23T05:47:00.001-06:00

Government Extends ‘Clash For Clunkers’ Program to Include Girlfriends

AP – The widely successful “cash for clunkers” program being offered by the U.S. government has been widened to also cover unwanted and gas-guzzling girlfriends. The Senate reached a deal on saving the dwindling "cash for clunkers" program late Wednesday, agreeing to vote on a plan that would add $2 billion to the popular rebate program and give shoppers until Labor Day to trade in their gas-guzzlers, automotive or female companion, for a new ride.

The Senate has quickly realized that the opportunity to trade in unwanted or no longer relevant girlfriends is equally appreciated among Americans as well as the trading in of ineffective automobiles. The Car Allowance Rebate System offers owners of old cars and trucks $3,500 or $4,500 toward a new, more fuel-efficient vehicle, in exchange for scrapping their old vehicle. Also, consumers may receive $100 or $50 trade-in depending on the current shape of their trade-in girlfriend.

President Barack Obama recognizes the very real demand for a newer, most cost-efficient female companionship. By using the stimulus program, citizens can replace one’s current companion with a more relevant model, and in most cases, the new models tend to be better looking and thinner.

Car companies have credited the clunkers program with driving up sales in late July. Most consumers are buying smaller, more fuel-efficient vehicles under the program, according to a list of the top-10 selling cars released Wednesday. Likewise, consumers are taking advantage of the girlfriend aspect of the program. Women who are a drain on society, women with high miles, or women with soaring maintenance costs have been traded in on more efficient, prettier models.

Congress has agreed in recent weeks that getting a few of these female burdens off the streets will positively affect the economy as well as the environment. More efficient females have been shown to eat less, require less money, and are generally less of a headache on long journeys or just around town.

The government said Wednesday that more than $775 million of the $1 billion fund had been spent, accounting for nearly 185,000 new vehicles sold, and 109,000 new girlfriends. President Obama has said the program would go broke by Friday if not replenished by Congress.
Congress feared that men in general would worry as to where their trade-in female companions would end up, but it seems most are satisfied when told that their trade-in girlfriends would end up on a farm, most likely in the Midwest, where they can run and play in the sun with other trade-in female companions.

Far more drivers signed up for the 'cash for clunkers' program than anyone thought, overwhelming showrooms, blowing through the initial $1 billion set aside by Congress and leaving dealers panicked over when or if the government would make good on the hefty rebates. Apparently, many citizens are excited about the idea of a new car or girlfriend.

Said one Utah resident, Jack Burrows, “Yeah, she’s been good through the years, I’ll say that, but they only last so long. This may to be the perfect time to invest in a newer, sleeker model.” At press time, it was unclear whether Burrows was talking about his car or his girlfriend.

Shoppers are encouraged to take advantage of “cash for clunkers” program sooner rather than later as the future of the popular program is unclear. What is clear, however, is that there are a lot of smiling consumers out there who just got that monkey off their back.

New Gun Laws?

2009-05-29T23:18:00.001-06:00

If you love guns, the idea of guns or just having guns, PLEASE READ!

Congress is discussing HR 45 Blair Holt Firearm Licensing & Record of Sales Act of 2009.

It very important for you to be aware of a new bill HR 45 introduced into the House. This is the Blair Holt Firearm Licensing & Record of Sale Act of 2009. It was announced yesterday on the Peter Boyle (remember him? He played Frankenstein’s monster in Young Frankenstein) radio program. Gun enthusiasts and hunters didn't know about this because it is flying under the radar. Changes in Federal law concerning guns would be:

The gun has to be registered
In addition to the 5 day waiting period, there will be an addition 90 waiting period
You are to be fingerprinted
You must supply a current stool sample
You must supply a current Driver's License
You have to promise to not be affiliated with Al-Qaeda
You must supply your Social Security #
You must be female
You must promise not to shoot anyone in the face and claim that it was an “accident”
You must wear a GPS on your belt at all times
The belt may not have your name stamped on it (this one I agree with)

You will be tested on your physical, mental, and pop culture trivia abilities. They can test you at any time. The government can come in your home at any time just to drink your beer (even if it’s your last one) and look around. You must update your gun records more frequently than you update your Facebook status. A change of ownership of guns through private or public sale must be reported and will cost $24.63. Failure to do so automatically forfeits the right to own a firearm and you would be subject to a year in jail, a swirly, and an Indian burn.

There is a child provision clause on page 16 section 305 stating a child-access provision. Gun must be locked in a safe and inaccessible to any child under 18. The government must have access to the combination and may ask you to change the combination if it’s a hard one to remember. If the safe doesn’t go with the room or disrupts the flow of Feng Shui, you could be subject to a fine of $5,000,000,000 (no checks) and punishment of up to 5 years in prison.

http://www.opencongress.org/bill/111-h45/text

It is long and lengthy, but how much frickin’ time do you spend on YouTube? It explains the bill and how much it will infringe on our rights as Americans.

Peter Boyle (I think he was also on “Everybody Loves Raymond”) is on top of this as well as that whole Nancy Pelosi thing. Listen to him on KHOW 630 AM in the morning if you don’t have any decent CDs. He suggests the best way to fight this is to tell all your friends about it and "spring into action". Like “Hands Across America.” Something like that.

It says in one of those documents that the Forefathers wrote when America first split from Time-Warner and England that we can totally have guns. We don’t want to lose our gun privileges! What’s next? A ban on compound bows?

PLEASE forward this to everyone you know!

May News, 2009

2009-05-22T05:48:00.003-06:00

Let’s see, what’s going on in May?

Obama wants to close Guantanamo Bay. Oh, come on! Pontiac is closing their doors, as are a million dealerships, but Guantanamo is up to us! To be fair, it’s just not making the money that it used to and I think I know why: the unions. They get paid whether they’re torturing or not. If they’re Waterboarding or just on the golf course, they get paid the same. So long, Guantanamo. A lot of killer memories there.

Dick Cheney’s against closing Guantanamo, apparently. He’s in appearing in more films now than Michael Caine. But how can you not love the big lug? He’s like the neighbor who used to yell at you to get off his lawn but then you found out that deep down, he’s really a softy. Then he shot your other neighbor in the face with a shotgun.

A Somali pirate appeared in court to face charges of piracy, hostage-taking, and firearms. When the judge asks how he pleads, what will the judge do when he just says, “Haaar!” That can’t go over well. Especially when you reek of Captain Morgan. He may ask him to walk the plank (with 90 days suspended).

Did you know that President Obama might outlaw guns? I didn’t. A guy in Cedar Post Pawn said that he might. Suffice it to say, hand guns and ammo are excruciatingly hard to get right now. Know why? Obama might outlaw guns. While this may be a sore subject for many conservative-minded people, I have to say, people are making BANK over this rumor. Those people? Gun manufacturers and ammo manufacturers. From a financial standpoint, they’re making WAY more money than if we had a Republican in office. Smart thinking, NRA! I thought you guys were less-than-intelligent during the Charlton Heston years, but damn. You gotta give it up to those boys in orange! And what’s with the outfits, hunters? They make golfers look like Brad Pitt.

So Pontiac’s a done deal and Chrysler had to merge with Fiat. Awesome! When I was in high school, if you drove a Fiat? You got a beatin’ cause, obviously, you weren’t cool. Today? If you drive a Chrysler you NEED a beatin’ cause you’re not cool. Why did THOSE TWO merge? That’s like Clay Aiken and John Mayer starting a band. A boy band, probably. No, probably more of a “boy band.”

The economy is in shambles and China won’t let us borrow any more money (the Cedar Post is the same with me right now). So we just decided, “Hey, we got an HP, let’s just print as much money as we need!” Good idea! Why didn’t we think of that 50 years ago? Oh yeah, cause that devalues our dollar and in one year we’ll be blowing Mexico for pocket change. And according to CNN, they’re not very clean (hence the swine flu).

Sean Penn decided to withdraw his separation papers from his wife, Robin Wright-Penn. Duh! Have you seen the Princess Bride? Even if she asked me to “fetch her that pail of water”, I’d be “as you wish” all fucking night. Think about it the way I think about it: you’re Spicolli and she’s Princess Buttercup. Are you gonna do any better? Not bloody likely.

Well, that’s May. The month we get ready for June. Oh, and if you’re pissed that you got this? Don’t worry, according to the Mayan calendar, I am only going to be able to write e-mails until December 21, 2012. Which is nice.

I’m just saying...

Boredom

2009-04-30T23:38:00.002-06:00

I’m bored. And not just tonight, I mean in general. Since I was laid-off, I’ve been trying to fill the time. I bought a diary, but hell, I’m, like, 10 days ahead in that thing. I hope everything turns out like I thought it would… Since I watch a lot of C-SPAN, I bought a set of Bose® Bullshit-canceling headphones. Those things are amazing! You can’t hear a thing, just like the ad says.

So I decided to be a stalker. I figured, Hey, I know a few haaat trixies, I might as well stalk them. Well, that whole “stalking” business is more elaborate than you'd think. You have to buy binoculars, wake up early, have plenty of gas, stay up late, etc. Stalking is way more trouble than it’s worth.

One girl, whom I ran into a few times, finally said, “Are you stalking me?”

Of course I was, that was my new thing. I offered, “Betcha wanna get a Restraining Order on me, huh?”

“No. Not really,” she said. “I have low self-esteem and I think I’d enjoy the attention.” Not exactly the response I was looking for. Yeah, I’m done with stalking.

So at night I watch a lot of the Discovery Channel. They always have UFO specials on. Apparently alien life is well accepted among most Americans. People believe in it. Or them. What I wonder is (mostly cause I was drinking) do they have alien life that is not as advanced as most alien life? Like, retarded aliens? I’d have to think that it would be inevitable. Of course you’d have to refer to them as “Special Terrestrials.” They’re probably the ones that do all of the anal probing and give all of the other aliens a bad name.

Yeah, I’ve got time on my hands.

I’d pork a trixie from the bar but that’s a guaranteed way to get Swine Flu according to Fox News. Fox news never lets me do it! It’s either the Mexican Swine Flu, SARS, Bird Flu, Mad Cow, West Nile virus, the Ebola virus, or just a cough. Fox News wants me abstain from what I’m best at (I won a blue ribbon at the fair last year). My sex life is so good, Warren Beatty calls me every now and again with “questions.” That doesn’t bother me as much as his questions always start with, “I’ve got this friend…”

So what do I do?

Albertsons is having a parking lot sale but I have no room for a parking lot. I could go window shopping because I need some windows. The paper had more than a few garage sales in there, but really, do THAT many people need garages? Christensen’s is having a “fire sale.” What am I? A caveman? I KNOW how to make fire! Thanks for the help, though. And the 24-hour sales? We’re selling time now, people? Ridiculous.

Carpe Diem. “Seize the day.” That’s nice. A good rule to live by. But do you notice they never tell you which day to seize? What if you seize the wrong day? You’d look like an ass in front of all your friends! I think you should seize a few days a week and if anyone asks, you just say, “It’s Thursday? Crap! I was suppose to seize this day! Oh, well, I’ll seize an extra day next week.”

At least they’ll think you know what you’re doing. I’m just saying…

Im unemployed :(

2009-04-23T18:48:00.001-06:00

So I have a lot of time on my hands. As you may or may not know, I was laid-off from The Diamond Store for being too damn sexy. Yeah, they claim it was the economy, but come on. I wasn’t born yesterday. I know sexy was involved.

Anyway. Since I have all of this time, I have been coming up with good ideas. Great ones, really. It all started when I was at a Chinese Restaurant with friends when the check and fortune cookies came. One of the trixies said, “You have to read it aloud, but you have to end it with ‘in bed’.” All of the girls seemed to laugh at the PG-13 humor. Someone would say, “Do not be frustrated by your friends—in bed!” Or there was, “Someone you love has something in store for you—in bed!” It got big laughs. So the next time I was in the (same) restaurant, when the fortune cookies came, I suggested that they read their fortunes aloud and end it with “anally.” You know, “Do not be frustrated by your friends—anally!” Or, “Someone you love has something in store for you—anally!” It was a big hit. Most of the girls were kicking themselves that they didn’t think of it first!

Another thing I feel pretty satisfied about is the fact that I petitioned Miriam-Webster to extend the meaning of “war veterans” to include divorcees. It only stands to reason, I argued. They agreed. And my friend Shriber, who married a lovely French woman? If, God forbid, he ever did get divorced, he could actually be considered a “veteran of a foreign war.” You’re welcome, people.

You know how kids, if you ask them something, they always say, “Guess!”? I’ve adopted that into my daily life. (Except in bars. If you ask a trixie her age in a bar, A: you should NEVER do that, ever, and B: even if you do guess, you’re never going to be right. And it’s going to turn ugly. And you are going to go home alone). BUT, the phrase is great in everyday life. For instance, “The reason I pulled you over is because you were weaving a little bit. Have you been drinking tonight?”

“Guess!”

Or maybe in the ER when the doctor frantically asks you if you are allergic to any medications.

“Guess!”

Another good one, when the judge asks you how you plead to the charges.

“Guess!” Everyone, including the judge, usually just ends up giving you a noogie and laughs heartily.

So, also because I have a little bit of time, I went to open mic night at the Ha Ha Hole on Pico. Before I went on, the guy asked me if I did “blue humor.” I thought, sad, depressing, “I’m so blue” humor? No, my stuff is not depressing. I am, but my material’s not. So I went on. I started with my Chinese fortune cookie, anal bit…

Apparently “blue humor” has nothing to do with being sad. Yeah, I was kicked out and asked not to come back. I didn’t even get to the Chinaman who ate at an American restaurant and a half hour later was still full. Their loss, I say.

Yeah, I have a lot of time on my hands, I’m just saying. Guess I’ll finish that book I started, “Curious George and the High Voltage Fence.” And if you already know how it ends, don’t tell me! I’m only halfway through with it. Up next? Judy Blume’s, “Why doesn’t Jenny Like Boys?” The cover art alone reeled me in.

Anyway. Let me know if you hear of anyone looking for an ideas man.

The State of America

2009-04-12T23:13:00.001-06:00

The United States isn’t doing well. In any respect, really. Not economically, not in the automotive field, housing, employment, self-confidence… you name it. Admittedly, I am no expert in… any field really, but I think I know why we all are facing so much adversity right now. Greed. Prestige. Impressing the neighbors. Driving cars we can’t afford, drinking scotch we can’t afford, buying houses we can’t afford… In short, it all comes down to one thing:

$.

Would Bernie Madoff have been able to sucker so many people out of so much money if there weren’t people who were so eager to make some easy money? Something for nothing has always been hard for Americans to say “no” to.

They say insurance companies are a cancer on our economy. AIG has made quite a name for themselves as well as many others. I don’t know much about the insurance game but it’s very telling when I go to pay a doctor bill and it’s $350 and I pull out my wallet and they say, “Oh, you’re paying cash? Oh, then it’s only $9.50.”

I died twice in 2006. I was hit by a drunk/stoned driver who had over 20 alcohol-related citations on his record, and just had another DUI almost exactly one month prior to hitting me. All the kings’ horses and all the king’s men put me back together again with titanium, screws and bolts (FYI if all the kings’ horses and all the king’s men do have to put you back together again, it’ll run you about $240k). He was insured with Geico, which made me wonder: who at Geico thought, “Hmmm, 20-something alcohol violations… seems like a good risk to me! Cash his check!”

I don’t care how cute the caveman or the gecko is, sometimes you have to just say no to money. But that’s kinda hard…

Former President George W. Bush said we had to invade Iraq because Saddam Hussein was a bad man. So we did. And we got him! I totally saw him hanged on CNN. Mission accomplished, I guess. But since the Iraq war, about 4,000 troops have died and around 24,000 wounded. Their mental anguish must be immeasurable. The long-term financial costs of the war could reach as much as $4 Trillion. Saddam must have been badder than I first thought because that’s a lot of effort just to get rid of a bad guy. I haven’t seen a battle plan like that since I played a game of Risk! against Jessica Simpson. It’s almost like there was another reason for invading Iraq. Shell and Exxon-Mobile made more money than they ever have, ever, in the history of ever, but I’m sure that was just a coinkydinct.

There’s this guy that no one likes at the golf course. He rubs everyone the wrong way and he’s not well-liked. He’s a bad guy, I guess you could say. However, I’m not going to spend $4 Trillion or have anyone die or wounded to get rid of him. Most likely, I probably just won’t wave when I pass him. That’s $4 Trillion I can keep in my pocket and spend on whatever.

Businessweek claims that 1,000,000 people lost their house in 2008 alone. You might see this as morbid news, but consider this: some of those houses were ugly and done in a Southwestern motif. Families losing their house? Some are very heart breaking stories. Some, however, you have to ask, “How did they buy a million dollar house making a combined $43k a year?” Yeah, maybe the bank was a bit negligent in just requiring a signature, but deep down the people knew what the f@ck was going on.

There’s nothing wrong with being rich. When you get rich, you can buy a really nice car. Probably something German. When you’re rich, you buy a German car to show everyone just how damn rich you are. When you’re poor, you get a Japanese car to save on gas. Is there really a need to save the American car industry? If there is, I think we should have a retro-active automotive bailout. Bring back the Edsell, DeSoto, Nash, Packard, and the Studebaker. Studebakers were badass, I’m just saying…

In this type of situation it’s natural to want to find someone or something to place blame and hold accountable for this sordid state of affairs. AIG, George Bush, Bernie Madoff, executives with lavish bonuses… someone has to jump on the grenade don’t they? Otherwise it’d be every single American who was right in the middle of an American Dream when it turned in to a nightmare.

I was laid off from my job two days before my birthday. It’s the economy, I was told. Phew! As long as it wasn’t my fault. Good thing I don’t have to work tomorrow. I plan on staying up, drinking expensive scotch, finding blame in the economy, making my vacation plans, and checking my PowerBall numbers online.

Should be a good night.

Phrases Again

2009-04-06T00:21:00.001-06:00

I was in the pawnshop the other day (don’t judge me, I just got laid off). A gentleman was in there looking to buy a compound bow, yet admitted that he “couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn.” Not wanting to show my ignorance, I did not ask, but I wondered: The broadside of a barn? How do you know what side of a barn is preferable to broads? I mean, I didn’t even know that barns had kitchens let alone, I guess, the obvious fact that broads have a favorable side of said barn.

Man, some phrases are just commonplace to everyone else, but to me? They’re an enigma wrapped up in a riddle. Maybe it’s the cold medication, but some of these phrases just don’t make sense.

Like, I’m going to tackle this “head on.” Myself, I’ve been in a head on. I don’t remember it, but I was there from what the newspaper said. It didn’t help, really. So I just have to think: why would ANYONE want to tackle something “head on?” For one, you don’t remember anything, and b: you can’t tackle anything or even walk afterward, because your brain no longer functions on the same level. You’re better off brainstorming.

“Brainstorming?” Really? This is a good thing? There are storm warnings, storm chasers and something can be taken by storm, but supposedly “brainstorming” is where good ideas come from. A good idea like tackling a problem “head on,” I guess.

“Everything but the kitchen sink.” This is my dad in a nutshell, but I’ve heard it a lot. “In his recipes, he puts in everything but the kitchen sink.” Okay. But what’s so elusive about the kitchen sink? Why is the kitchen sink the only thing that is spared in this metaphor? That’s why when people ask me what’s in my recipes, I say, “Ah, a dash of salt, some Oregano, and a pinch of kitchen sink.” They look at me really strange, then excuse themselves. I don’t blame them…

“Appetite of a bird.” Okay, maybe she is petite, but for crying out loud, SHE EATS WORMS! An appetite of a bird? Gross. Glad she has a smokin’ body, but you can have her. Especially because she gets up so damn early!

My mom says this one: “It breaks my heart to see that.” A heart can break into pieces from what I gather from 1970’s FM stations. I mean, I’ve felt bad over a girl, maybe sprained or pulled a heart, but I don’t think I’ve ever had mine broken. If you do? Just put some ice on it and stop being such a baby.

“Butting heads.” Admittedly, I know what this means. It’s a metaphor for how male big horn sheep establish dominance. I just think that human males should adopt this ritual. Five guys surrounding the one hot chick at the bar? They gotta butt heads. Winner gets the trixie! Trust me, if males had to physically butt heads, your current boss would no longer be your boss. We could learn a thing or two from the animal kingdom, I’m just saying…

The animal kingdom. “Screwed the pooch.” I do not want, nor do I care where this phrase came from. It’s just weird. But you have to think of the first guy who said it. “Man, she really screwed the pooch on that one.” Did his friends just let it go or did they just hammer the guy? “Look, she made a mistake, but don’t compare her bad choices to bestiality with a dog! Damn.”

I don’t know. I was hoping the cold medicine mixed with Amstel Light would make me tired, but obviously, my head is just spinning. Man, I hate being under the weather! Hey, wait, “Under the weather? Where did that phrase come from…?

Bright News About the Economy

2009-04-02T15:17:00.001-06:00

You can’t talk with anyone for 2 minutes without the subject turning to the economy. “Oh, it’s getting bad!” they say. Or perhaps, “Things are going to get far worse before they get better.” At least we’re going to finish a strong 2nd in Iraq.

Okay, admittedly, the economy is shit. Banks, the US dollar, morale, the auto industry and employment are less than stellar. I get it. I understand. But why do you people have to be “glass ½ empty” kind of people? I know I’m not. I see the glass as ½ full. Let me let you in on a little secret:

Hookers.

Yes, hookers are feeling the pinch as bad or worse than anyone! And I owe my knowledge of this to Dave Madden. (Yes, we patched things up and we’re talking again. For those of you who don’t know, he bilked me out of $7 in a Ponzi scheme as well as several other “friends.” Like I had $7 to lose!) Ever since Dave worked his way out of the mailroom at Expedia and they gave him an expense card, he has been tripping the light fantastic with ladies of the evening in every city. Since he travels a great deal for Expedia, he hits a lot of cities/countries. However, even though he now has monetary carte blanche, he’s still Dave Madden.

There are hookers in Thailand who’ll claim, “That one boy? He into crazy shit! He scare me.” You can take Dave out of the city, but you can’t take the twisted out of Dave. Or… something like that.

Anyway. I took Dave’s advice and started hitting the pavement. Which isn’t hard. We have, like, 6 stoplights in town so you can effectively cover a great deal of prostitutional real estate. Turns out, Dave was right! Hookers are having huge blowout savings! And the less attractive, homely hookers? They’re practically giving it away! Never, in American history has there been a better time for bachelor parties. I mean, what’s your fiancé going to do? Get mad?

“I can’t believe you did this to me! I trusted you! I can never be with you, ever! Ever! I’m not going to marry you. No, I’m going to move back in with my parents and support my... support my— …um… I forgive you!!” This economy helps with those hard-to-make decisions. Hookers used to only see me on the 1st and 15th, but now? Damn.

The best? Find a hooker who can’t keep her doors open anymore and she’s having a “going-out-of-business” sale. I love their “everything must go” attitude. The close-outs are amazing! I just bring my stimulus package over and keep them afloat for a few more days. Girls who need a bailout? Not my favorite, but they look so sad! (Although, it does burn me up when they use a lot of my hard earned money and give bonuses to pimps that don’t EVEN deserve them! They already drive a Cadillac, why do they need more money?)

I don’t know. I know things are bad for some people, but for me? They’re pretty great. AND, with Obama in the Whitehouse, we’ll have Health Care for everyone. You know, just in case I get one of those pesky STDs. Yeah the economy is pretty bad. If you choose to look at it that way. I don’t.

I just know that I owe Dave Madden. Big time. I’m just saying…

I've Almost Had it With Norman and Betty

2009-04-02T15:16:00.000-06:00

I'm kind of mad at Norman and Betty. At first I thought they were okay, but now? They're starting to really bother me.

Let me explain. At first it was fine. Norman and Betty would drop by, mostly unannounced, and drink my wine and eat my food. I like to cook; I don't care about that. What really bothers me is that Norman and Betty almost always drink my wine but never bring any. And it's not like I offer them wine, either. It's more like, "hey what are we drinking, Merlot? No Pinot? You need to buy some Pinot, trust me…"

Do they BRING any Pinot? Fuck no.

I'm halfway convinced that Norman is an alcoholic and Betty is a sex addict. Norman is never "good." He'll always have another glass. And another glass. Then another. He's not done until the bottle is gone. And I don't know how many wine glasses he's broken of mine. There's nothing worse than an uncoordinated alcoholic. I know most people get uncoordinated when drinking, but man, this guy brings new meaning to the word "stumbling drunk."

And Betty. Everything revolves around sex. After two glasses of Merlot (not Pinot, sorry) she can relate anything to intercourse.

"Did you hear about that new study on fellatio?" "You know what causes that, don't you? A lack of sex." "You know, a lot of people aren't into it, but I kind of like to…"

Sometimes I think she's hinting that I should have a threesome with her and Norman, but come on! Why would I? He can't even make it to the bathroom without breaking anything let alone get something accomplished in the bedroom.

I guess I could be to blame for this situation. I should say something to them. I did say something the other night like "wow, if Pinot is so fucking good, why don't you bring me a bottle instead of coming over here and drinking all of my wine and breaking all my shit?" They just laughed and told me how my humor was so stimulating and cutting edge and how refreshing it was to have a dialogue with a modern day Lenny Bruce.

What also pisses me off about Norman and Betty is that as soon as they get a buzz, everything becomes intellectual. "You know, Bush's stance on terrorism is nothing more than modern day McCarthyism just distracting us from his secret policies set in place to make his friends wealthy." Okay, maybe so. "You know, these so called 'news outlets' and 'media' are nothing more than the puppets of George Bush and his friends that belong to a secret society that goes back hundreds of years." Whatever.

What you have to know about Betty is that she claims to work in "education." She does work at a college. She's a janitor. And Norman doesn't work. Doesn't even want to. He spends most of his time thinking of people he can sue because they were "negligent" and how he was injured. I've seen Norman try and walk 15 steps to the bathroom and break three different things. I think any injury he sustains is not due to the negligence of some business. He was probably blind drunk on MY WINE.

Anyway, I've had it. I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore. I'm about finished with Norman and Betty. No more meals, no more wine, no more intellectual conversation.

Rosebud.

March 2008 News

2009-04-02T15:13:00.000-06:00

I’ve been kind of bored back in Utah. I mean, yeah, the Easter Bunny came today but man, there’s not a lot to do here. So I’ve been watching CNN. A lot of CNN. Man, talk about good news for people who like bad news! And the stories are reported, but they never give you any... personal insight. That’s where I come in.

Like, everyone is coming down hard on Elliot Spitzer because of his sex scandal. Poor guy. What everyone doesn’t realize, though, is that they didn’t just “do it;” they made love. People always focus on the negative. The situation reminded me of my first time. Not the first time I had sex, no, that’s a good memory. No, I’m talking about the first time I bounced a check to a hooker. Man, my face was red! And the $30 for sex turned into $60, because the hooker charged me a $15 return check fee and then so did my bank. We’re talking some very costly love making. Not to mention the embarrassment! I had egg on my face.

And the Dali Lama said he’ll step down if China keeps up with the tomfoolery and/or shenanigans. If this happens, then I guess the Lieutenant Dali Lama is tapped for the position. If he is busy then I think it goes to Alexander Haig. And who fights with Tibet, anyway? That’s like shooting the Pope. Personally, I think they need a Tibet-themed casino in Vegas. That’d rock. I’d stay there. The Dali Lama greets you and blesses you when you enter and hands you some Pop Tarts in case you don’t like the food. Most of the games are won not with money or skill, but with “good karma.” They don’t have pit bosses, they have Sherpa’s. But they’d have to change the spelling to “T’ Bet.” Man, I’m an ideas man! I should get paid for my good ideas.

The Department of Justice admitted they had a breach of security when employees looked up confidential information regarding Obama’s passport (obviously so someone could send me yet another conspiracy e-mail about how Obama’s secretly a Muslim and he’s going to pull a Jim Jones and offer Kool-Aid to the U.S.). Again, people always focus on the negative. To tell you truth, I wouldn’t mind cyanide in the Kool-Aid if he can just get a stranglehold on the price of gas. I don’t know. Between the Department of Justice and the orderlies who looked up Britney’s last pap smear, I’m starting to think that people can’t be trusted. Especially that Joe Francis character.

Mike Huckabee is now winning the Republican race, it looks like. At first I thought he was stupid for staying in so long, but it looks like it has paid off! At least that’s what my newspaper said. I just hope the neighbor kids aren’t screwing around with my paper again. Like in January when they changed the 5-day forecast to 28-32-26-29-85 and I wore shorts and flip flops on Friday. Man, I must’ve looked like an idiot! Damn kids!

Anthony Minghella, the director of “The English Patient,” has died. If life imitated art, his funeral would last 17 hours and after it’s done everyone looks at each other and goes “…what??”
Jamie Lee Curtis has posed topless for AARP magazine. When she was in “Trading Places?” I’d have scrambled to buy the issue. Now? Not so much. It’s like watching 9 ½ weeks, but starring Bea Arthur.

Paul McCartney has to pay Heather Mills $40+ million. I guess they were married for 5 minutes, so she deserves some coin. She got used to a certain way of life. To pay for this he’s putting out a new single, “Yesterday (2008).” It’s kind of the same song but now he’s changed some of the wording. For instance the part where he sings, “why, she, had to go, I don’t know, she wouldn’t say” is now “the stupid, sadistic, lying, one-legged whore … now I long for yesterday.”

Man, the news on CNN is almost depressing. I think I’ll flip it over to E! News and get the real truth.

I’m just saying…

JB's Screwed me!

2009-04-02T15:12:00.000-06:00

I was in JB’s having lunch and perhaps killing some time (I know, I know. Richfield + JB’s… listen to some Lynyrd Skynyrd and you’d have the white trash Trifecta).

Anyway, I ordered a club sandwich, mostly because that seems like an easy order and let’s face it—I am not too trusting of the chef staff at JB’s. The waitress was nice enough. She looked like she had been through the ringer. But I wasn’t there to judge; I was there to enjoy a nice lunch and possibly kill some time.

Well. My meal came fairly promptly and the nice waitress asked if I would require anything else to enhance my dining experience. Okay, she didn’t say it like that. I am paraphrasing to make it seem she wasn’t from Richfield. I said, “Yes, if it’s not too much trouble, can I get a side of tartar sauce?” You know, for my fries.

“Sure thing, sugar buns!” she said and sauntered off. Okay, there I wasn’t paraphrasing. This woman is obviously born and bred right here in Richfield.

A short time passes and she brings me back a white-ish substance. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and thanked her for her extra endeavor. After she had gone, I decided enough time had passed and it was now time to dip a fry into my tartar sauce. I would soon to learn to distrust JB’s, women and Richfield, all in one fail swoop.

This was not tartar sauce. It was ranch. Gross! Who dips their fries in ranch? Honestly? Well, I was understandably beside myself with anger. When the woman arrived to check on my dining experience, I told her of her mistake. She defended herself by saying, “That’s what you ordered.”

Now there’s trouble in River City!

I explained that I don’t order ranch—ever! Even when I get a salad I usually find myself leaning to vinaigrette or a nice pesto-based Parmigiano-Reggiano. I never order ranch! Never.

Long story short, I was not given tartar sauce or an apology. Even more vexing was that the “side” dish was not taken off my bill. This sets a very dangerous precedent! The purchase of salad alone could send Richfield into a complete tailspin! The restaurant business could suffer because of the negative hopes of an entire citizenry.

I'm Having a Hard Time Sleeping, Revisited

2009-04-01T05:59:00.001-06:00

So I've been having trouble sleeping lately. For the last few months I just can't make it happen. My mom says it's because I over-analyze things. I think too much. I don't know. Maybe. But I DID get to sleep last night, but I had the WEIRDEST dream. Quite unusual, even for me. So I'm driving my car, right?

I don't know where I was headed but I'm driving along, listening to AC-DC. "She was a fast machine, she kept her motor clean, she was the best damn woman..." And I thought, wait. She WAS a fast machine, she KEPT her motor clean... so what about NOW? She's... slowing down a little bit and could really clean her motor a little more often? Yeah, that might fly in the 80s, but nowadays? I'll find someone else to shake me all night long. I'm just saying...

So anyway, I keep dreaming. Britney Spears pulls up next to me at a stop light. I feel bad for her. She has two beautiful boys, but I think she needs to have one more. I mean, I don't think she needs to GET pregnant, I think she still is. I saw a recent photo of her that the paparazzi took. From what I understand, it was taken outside a posh downtown hot LA night spot. She wasn't wearing any underwear and when she got out of the car, you could see her nether regions. I swear, she was dilated to at least a seven! I think there's one more kid in there and she needs to have it! And soon! She's in her 8th trimester! Her water broke in 2006. The kid's probably about two years old by now! Poor little guy. This whole time she thought she was binging. No, she's been eating for two! Kinda explains why she looked like that at the WMAs. I'm just saying...

So then I'm at Jessica Alba's house. I don't even remember driving there. All the sudden I'm there. Anyway, she's all over me and laughing at all my material. She'd tilt her head and say, "ohhhh, Don." I thought I was a shoe in. (That's not a "shoe horn" joke. I'm sure she's very pleasant.) So she gets up to go to the bathroom and Dave Madden (I guess he was there, too) comes up to me and tells me not to seal the deal. Why? I obviously ask. He tells me that she got herpes from Derek Jeter. Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa....whoa! No way! Dave swears it's true. But from Derek Jeter? I know he wears many hats as a New York Yankee; batter, fielder, spokesman, team captain, icon... but giving Jessica Alba bugs? I hardly think that's in the job description! But Dave Madden's a smart guy. I mean, he knows when to use the word "further" instead of "farther" and vice versa. But in my heart, I knew there was some credence to Dave's claims and let's just say, there was a bad moon risin.'

Do Jessica Alba? Get bugs. Don't actually do Jessica Alba, go home, have a session and THINK about Jessica Alba? No bugs. Hmmmm. Why did it have to be Derek Jeter?? I mean, hell, his agent should see if Derek could get $50 more dollars a year on his contract and get a years' supply of condoms. A-Rod is gonna get 67 billion next year, I'm sure that Derek Jeter could get another 50 bucks. He gives a whole new meaning to the term "around the horn." You know, when I was a kid, if someone got herpes, they'd say, "Oh, really? Hmmm, must have gotten it from a toilet seat." Now? If someone gets herpes? "Oh, really? Hmmm, must have gotten it trying to break up a double play." Good thing this was only a dream. I would be SO SAD if it were true.

Anyway, then, I'm at the mall and there's Christmas crap everywhere. My mom's there and she tells me that Christmas comes earlier each year. So I check the calendar. Christmas is on Dec. 25th. Every year. My mom is wrong about THIS, just like she was about global warming. So I'm next to a christmas tree. And I think, Why does every tree known to man lose its leaves but a pine tree keeps all of its needles? It's a Christmas miracle, I guess.

Anyway, a girl shows up, smiles, and tells me that she knows what I want for Christmas. She's always known. Her smile turns into a simple grin. Then I wake up. Not figuratively, literally. What a weird dream. I think I'd better start laying off the scotch before bed. My dreams are getting more bizarre by the night, it seems. Perhaps, I DO drink too, much, just like my mom says.

Nah. She was wrong about global warming, she's probably wrong about my drinking. I'm just saying...

Obama?

2009-03-31T11:27:00.003-06:00

In the news today, they declared Barack Obama the likely Democratic nominee to face John McCain in November. This is very disturbing! Most of the people who say that they are voting for Senator Obama do not know the REAL Obama, rather, they are jumping on the bandwagon and are simply voting for the man simply because it’s “cool” right now.

If you knew the REAL BARACK OBAMA, you’d be worried. VERY WORRIED!

Mr. Obama has been a “Junior” Senator for four years, not a “Senior” Senator. Do you know what that means? He’s been held back FOUR TIMES. Do we want an underachieving president?

Senator Obama has said outright that he opposes the Iraq war. Do we really want a president that opposes war? Most countries fear us because if they were to get on our bad side, we’d spend every last dollar we had, then borrow more dollars, to declare war on them! That’s our thing! We’ll declare on anyone or anything! (Iraq, illiteracy, drugs, Afghanistan, etc.) But high and mighty Mr. Obama wants to take that away from us.

John McCain admitted to having a fascination with mystery novels. His favorites? The Hardy Boys. Obama also declared his love of mystery novels. His favorites? Sherlock Holmes. Just so you know, the Hardy Boys are from mid-western America. Sherlock Holmes? He is from Great Britian. NOT THE USA!

Did you know that Mr. Obama is black? I checked and it turns out HE IS! He doesn’t like to share this little nugget of information with the public. And it doesn’t end there. His wife? She’s black, too! How dare he?

In the Muslim playbook it says, “The Quran shall lead us over the infidels, with their loud clothes and brash style, with the help of a dark man of eloquence.” Infidels. That’s what the Muslims call us. Did you know that Barack Obama’s favorite band is Dashboard Confessional? Did you know that, arguably, their biggest hit was “Screaming Infidelities?” At first listen you might think that the song is just about a chick cheating on this dude, but after really pondering the lyrics you realize that the song is about Americans and how stupid they are. Shame on you, Barack Obama!

And if the Quran isn’t your thing, what about the Holy Bible? It says in Revelations, section 9, verse 12, “Behold, a dark man shall rise from the masses and lead the people. Be not fooled as he will totally make sense; then he’ll bring death and destruction.”

Did you know that in addition to not saluting the flag, Mr. Obama also leaves the toilet seat up? (this one should inspire ire, ladies!) He also has been known to leave the cap off the toothpaste, he rarely uses his turn signals and his headline on his MySpace page reads: “Muslims do it better.”

Did you know that Senator Obama’s last name rhymes with Osama bin Laden’s first name? It may seem like just a coincidence until you realize that our current President Bush’s name, “Bush” rhymes with “Tush,” a popular classic rock song from the 70’s by ZZ Top. ZZ Top is from Texas. President Bush also hails from Texas. There is no such thing as coincidences. Therefore Barack Obama is going to lead us into death and destruction because, as you can see, his name rhymes with someone else’s.

John McCain has said he’d be fine with having troops in Iraq for 100 years. Mr. Obama has advocated bringing the troops home to their families. They’re “troops.” That what they do! Under Obama? Unemployed. Under McCain? Job security for at least 100 years.

A recent poll showed that gas prices of the US are paramount on most voters’ minds. If you know anything about money matters, the reason gas prices are so high is because of simple “supply and demand.” It’s elementary school economics. Sure, the “demand” really kicked in when we invaded Iraq to oust Saddam Hussein (Barack’s middle name, by the way) even though Iraq didn’t really attack us, but still, they had an evil dictator, and then Americans started to really demand gas when the war began (a war which Obama was publicly against), and since 9/11 we’ve seen that we need to do ANYTHING to protect ourselves, and then… then… I forgot what my point was... Oh! The point is that Barack Obama will lead into death and destruction.

“Hope in the face of difficulty, hope in the face of uncertainty, the audacity of hope: In the end, that is God's greatest gift to us, the bedrock of this nation, a belief in things not seen, a belief that there are better days ahead.” – Barack Obama

Okay, THAT made sense, but the rest of what he has to say? Lies, slanders and half-truths!

Forward this to everyone you know and let them know who Barack Obama REALLY is. Also make sure they know he’s black. That might sway them.

BUT FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!

I'm Having a Hard Time Sleeping

2009-03-31T11:25:00.000-06:00

I’m Having a Hard Time Sleeping. It's no secret that I have a hard time sleeping. I just can’t get it down right. You lie down, get under the covers and… then what? I don’t know. I screw it up somehow and I get zero sleep. I just can’t get a good night's rest. What I did notice is the odd things I think about while attempting to get slumber. Then I think How in the hell did I get on this topic of thought? Then I trace back from what I was thinking at first up to what I'm thinking now and I slowly trace it back. How does this happen? I sat down and figured it out. Here's how I started:

You know what pisses me off about George Clinton & the Parliament Funkadelic? They "want the funk" but they aren’t prepared to “earn it.” I guess they just want it handed to them. I wonder if they ask for "funk" in their prayers?

Prayers.

If you could e-mail prayers instead of just saying them silently, it may be a better system. Within 24 hours, you'd know the status of your prayer. If something happened or more likely, didn't happen, and you wondered why your prayer wasn’t answered? You'd receive this:

This is an automatically generated Delivery Status Notification:
THIS IS A WARNING MESSAGE ONLY.
YOU DO NOT NEED TO RESEND YOUR PRAYER.
Delivery to the following recipients could not be reached/has been refused: prayer-wish-hope@god.org. How hard is that? It's a good system I think. Of course you can’t pray for girls you’d like to bed. For that you have to eliminate God and implement Barry White to ensure success.

Barry White.

Who does Barry White listen to when trying to get laid? Probably Sinatra. Or Clay Aiken. Or David Archuleta. I hate these new singers.

Kevin Federline.

I can’t wait for the new Kevin Federline CD. It's going to be good. I imagine it'll be the "Abbey Road" of 2009. If someone’s feeling down, if there’s a great beach party or if someone is having a bad trip and needs to be talked down, put on some Federline, yo. And let the healing begin. Then he can disappear like all of the other Hollywood people you used to see all of the time but don't now, like John Goodman.

John Goodman.

I haven't seen John Goodman in two years. If he hasn't lost weight or shaved the beard, I'll bet he looks like a mountain man.

Mountain men.

I'll bet if you're a mountain man and you wear a coon-skin cap and full buckskins and live in a cabin in the forest you probably don't give a fuck about the Oscars. Or Christmas. But who doesn’t love Christmas?

The Jehovah's Witnesses.

I wonder if they ever have a hostile witness in the Jehovah's Witnesses? And is there a Jehovah's Witness relocation program? I'd hide them in the South. No one looks there.

The South.

A lot of Skynyrd fans claim that the "South Will Rise Again." They even have posters and license plates that say so. So far? I haven't heard boo. What are they waiting for? Now is the time! But I wonder, when they do rise again what will they do when they rise? Take over? They can't. They're not smart. Why do you think they lost the Civil War? They didn't have inferior muskets; they had a lack of knowledge and common sense. I'll bet they even parked their wagons on the lawn. For their own good I think that if they should rise again, they should just nod and smile at everyone and perhaps wave. And then go back to being the Jerry Springer population that we're used to. No one wants change, except 50 Cent.

I can just feel that 50 Cent is gonna change his name to something else any day now. 50 Diddy, 50 Daddy, you know it'll be something stupid like that. Like Prince or symbol like © or something. You give these guys a few bucks and they turn into an asshole. Like Paris Hilton. Not Nikki Hilton, but Paris.

Paris Hilton.

What does she do exactly? She's like an Abbott and Costello routine:
"What do you do?"
"I’m famous."
"Really? What do you do?"
"I’m famous."
"I know, but why? What do you do?"
"I’m famous."

In a way, it makes me miss old girlfriends. They changed as well and turned into every negative stereotype about girls that you could ever imagine. But for a time, they weren’t famous, evil, negative, right, too young, too old or too busy. They were just there. For me. For a while. Then they changed their name to © and left me.

Me.

I hate myself more than the people that hate me. But I think that's from the lack of sleep. Normally, I'm an attractive individual. But not tonight.

I want the funk. I need the funk. I want the funk and I have absolutely no idea in hell of how to get it.

Phrases, Revisited

2009-03-31T11:24:00.000-06:00

So I’m at a funeral the other day. This trixie goes up to the (new) widow and says, “I am so, so, sorry.” I caught up with her and asked her, “Why did YOU say ‘I’m sorry’? You didn’t kill the guy. It was just auto-erotic asphyxiation gone bad.”

She just looked at me and said blankly, “It’s just something you say at funerals.” Just something you say. Man, these phrases nowadays are too commonplace. Some of them just don’t make sense.

Like when someone says, “Here, let me show you a little trick…” Usually, they don’t show you a trick; they just show you how THEY perform the task or duties. A trick? They pretend to be Lance Burton but usually, just come off as an asshole.

Lost and Found. If you lose your cell phone, you go back to Red Robin and ask if they have a cell phone in their Lost and Found. Why is it a “lost and found”? If you went to the Lost and Found and asked to see an item you lost, it won’t be there. You lost it. Rather, you’re hoping that someone, perhaps more sober than you were, found it. It should just be called a “Found.” You don’t turn in things that you lost.

Have you noticed that (especially dramatic) girls will always announce their premise by saying, “Well, it’s official!”? Like they might say, “Well, it’s official! I now have more damage and loose ends than New Orleans!” No. It might be unfortunate. It might be unlucky. It might be ironic. But it’s not “official.” Not even close.

Ever have that friend, usually and asshole, who says, “That’s what I’M talkin’ about”? Most likely they weren’t talking about anything; they just want to somehow take credit for a fortunate occurrence that happened apropos of nothing. (A footnote to these types of people: they will also tell you that “that’s how they roll.” A fun thing to do when this occurs is to ask them to be more specific. ‘How one rolls’ can be a rather difficult subject to articulate. Especially for Utahns.)

I hate phrases. But every citizen, it seems, just kind of goes along with them like they understand them. Did you know that Super Delegates do not, in fact, wear capes and fight crime? What makes them “super?” Did you know that “waylaid” means “to lie in wait for or attack from ambush”? Man, was my face red when I found this out! I thought it was just a dude who got a whole bunch of action from some trixie(s).

Maybe it’s me? The National Enquirer always says that Britney Spears or Paris Hilton was spotted “canoodling” with some random guy. Okay, I’ve done it in every position possible. Really. And I yell out each one like a good aerobics instructor, but I could not, with 100% certainty say that I have “canoodled.” I’m even embarrassed to ask…

America is getting worser and worser and people are accepting it! Like mosquitoes? Why can’t we just kill mosquitoes… for good? We get them down, almost gone, and then we let up on them like George Bush, Sr. did with Iraq in ‘91. Doesn’t make sense. No one wants mosquitoes, especially me.

But I digress. I have to stop using phrases that don't make sense. I just like certain phrases that have that certain je ne sais quoi. But that's just me. Speaking of me, I think I’ll have one more scotch and then go to bed. That’s how I roll. I’m just saying…

I Kinda Miss River Phoenix

2009-03-31T11:19:00.002-06:00

No one's really died lately. Not that I look forward to things like that, I'm not morbid. But back in the day, that shit used to happen all the time. I was in college when River Phoenix died. He was pretty famous, I guess. I found him interesting in that he was a staunch vegetarian. He wouldn't get within 5 feet of a steak, but he'd do a gram of the horse you rode in on. Sometimes it was coke. Or heroin.

"What am I in the mood for... coke? Or heroin? Hmmm.... coke, heroin, coke, heroin... fuck it, I'll do both."

"You sure?"

"Fuck yeah, I'm sure."

"As long as you know what you're doing."

"Of course I know what I'm doing! I'm River Phoenix! Now hurry up with that shit. There's a killer band playing tonight at the Viper Room."

Then there was Kurt Cobain. I have pretty much every Nirvana CD, but I never got the whole “Kurt” thing. The guy hated press, hated corporate rock and hated promoting his art. What he didn’t hate was the 98% pure China White he was now able to afford thanks to press, the record companies and sold out arenas making him rich and famous. He got so mad at the world, he shot himself. Or more likely, Courtney shot him. But that's neither here nor there.

I remember one day I, myself, was kicking back doing a speedball of coke and heroin when it came on the news that Chris Farley died of a speedball of coke and heroin. Man, what a buzz kill! He was talented, I'll say that. But his death made me stop doing speedballs. You'd have thought I would have learned from River Phoenix but I just figured he couldn't handle it because all he ate was lettuce and Tofu. Now Chris Farley obviously ate a wide variety of food groups. So, I stopped. Those speedballs can kill ya!

That lead singer of Blind Melon? Aahh, I didn't really like them. But he died of an overdose. The most senseless part about his death? 10 years later they released Blind Melon's Greatest Hits. They only recorded 8 songs ever! And now they're going to sift through their catalog to find the best of the 8? Cripes.

You look at Jimi, Janis and Jim Morrison and yeah, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that were pretty much doomed. You knew that by the time their second album came out. You just knew these people were living on borrowed time.

Okay, so why do we still have Keith Richards, Iggy Pop and Ozzy Osbourne. Don't they know that they'd be so much cooler dead? Why aren't the cool people dying anymore? Doesn't make sense. Okay, Dimebag Darrell was shot on stage. That was kind of a surreal thing to happen, kinda cool, but really, the only people who were dramatically affected were the people who sell you pot and the kids that carve shit in their school desks.

There's no more Buddy Holly, John Lennon, Jim Croce, Bob Marley, Keith Moon, Brian Jones, Elvis or River Phoenix. What happened? Why has it stopped?

Where are all of the deranged gunmen who think the White Album was talking to them? I think we need to weed out a few pop icons to make way for a new breed. But who? Obviously not 50 Cent because he's already been shot a handful of times. We don't wanna fuck with his streak. Probably not Michael Jackson because I have a bet with my buddy Dave that he will look like Gollum within the next ten years. Not Brad Pitt because look at the genes! He and Angelina? Damn. Hell Hitler would be proud of their stock! But I digress.

I guess if we need to sacrifice someone to the Entertainment gods it should be someone...oohh, I don’t know... someone like:David Schwimmer (annoying), both Eglesiases (suave? I'll show ya suave!), Hasselhoff (we’re not German), Adam Corolla (sorry, Jimmy), Usher (one word song titles are annoying), P Diddy (anyone who changes their name more than once? Pretentious corksoaker), Prince (see P Diddy), David Caruso (is that really acting? Seriously? It is? Wow), Catherine Zeta-Jones-Douglas (I'll choose my own fucking cell provider, thank you very much), Andy Dick (he's had it coming since ‘98), D.L. Hughley (maybe political comedy is not your thing, you Marxist with dreads), Larry the Cable Guy (the worst thing to happen to white people since Michael Jackson), Jeff Foxworthy (you know how when you're in a barn makin’ it with your cousin from behind and someone walks in on you and you pretend you were givin’ the Heimlich? No, Jeff, I don’t, you inbred hillbilly), John Madden (quit telling me what happened with the drawings! Have the heart attack that everyone is expecting. John Candy is still in better health.), Tom Cruise (Katie was mine, you bastard! MINE!), Rene Zellwegger (I don't know. Just don't like her.), Jim Carrey (it's time), George W. Bush (the guy will just not admit failure. It's like Ike telling Tina that their marriage is solid as ever), Jay Leno (“well let me ask you this? Have you spent any time in the Sudan with someone you care about recently and had problems with the language?” “Wow, it’s funny that you mention the Sudan, Jay, because my boyfriend and I were just there recently and we couldn't understand a word they said and it was so funny because...” Jays interviews are about as spontaneous as Greta Garbo.), all members of KISS (hopefully the next time they all wear the makeup, it’s applied by a mortician.), and Anthony Hopkins (I don't know. Every character has a British accent? Even in Zorro? Not believing it.)

Well, that should get the ball rolling. There are plenty more who could and should be added to the list but, hey, it's Christmas. Christmas is always a melancholy time. And I have no money. And I really, really, miss River Phoenix.

Not Jay Leno

2009-03-31T11:06:00.002-06:00

First of all, this is kinda long now that I look at it. Feel free to delete it, especially if you’re at work. I would. But I keep getting this e-mail. I get this at least 2 times a month. Sometimes it’s written by George Carlin, sometimes some other comedian. This one is by “Jay Leno.” But I doubt it. Anyway, I don’t know whoever wrote this, their heart is in the right place, or I guess I hope it is, but it’s too cut and dry. For me. Is the United States the greatest country in the world? Potentially? Maybe. But just because you want your country to be better, does that make you un-American? God gave you a brain. What are you going to do with it?

Jay Leno (but probably not) wrote this: "The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true, given the source, right? The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed, and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President. In essence, 2/3's of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change.So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, what are we so unhappy about? Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 days a week?"

Okay, so we have water and electricity and that therefore refutes any complaints we have about the direction of our country. “Our” country. Okay. Forget about the myriad of problems facing the U.S. because of utilities. Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in the summer and heating in the winter? It could be the air conditioning but probably more so because of all-time high gas prices. I’d probably go with that over air conditioning.

"Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job? Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time, and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year?"

So we’re better than Darfur so we should shut up about everything? Why don’t we just change our motto to “The USA: We’re better than Darfur.”

"Maybe it is the ability to drive from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state?"

Or, we could fly. That’s an option. I mean hell, with gas prices so high (but I’m not complaining) it’d most likely be the sensible transportation.

"Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter?"

Motels? Clean and safe? Then why do they even HAVE a safe? You mean I need to put my valuables in a safe? Are people dishonest? And those sheets? They look like a Rorschach tests.

"I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all, and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital."

Okay, you got me on this. I was extricated about a year ago and they did a good job. I’m alive. Except they cut my jacket off with an Exact-O knife. Ever heard of a zipper people? That jacket, not my personality, was responsible for my way with the ladies. But I digress…

"Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames thus saving you, your family and your belongings."

Okay, 70% may own a home, but how many are going to have it next year because the economy is shite? More people have lost their home in the past year than those who voted for Kady Malloy on American Idol. And fire fighters do their job partly to save you, partly to try and get on that damn “hunk” calendar.

"Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss."

A policeman might lose his life or a burglar might lose his because of fancy electronics? Wow. The U.S. is kinda materialistic. But I won’t rush to judgment. I’ll wait til’ Christmas to see.

"This is all in the backdrop of a neighborhood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighborhoods where 90 percent of teenagers own cell phones and computers."

90% of teenagers pay their own cell phone and internet bill? Cool.

"How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world?"

So Mormon missionaries can deface a Catholic statue or a Catholic priest can have his way with you? That’s tolerance.

"Maybe that is what has 67 percent of you folks unhappy. Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S., yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. Themost blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here. I know, I know."

What about the President who took us into war and has no plan to get us out?

"The President who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same President who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The President that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks?"

Are you kidding me? Guided the nation? Or more so he happened to be president when the worst attack on American soil happened? He also kicked ass in Katrina. Just ask everyone in New Orleans. And the president brought the economy out of recession? For what, 5 minutes? What is the deficit now, 4 Kazillion dollars? Ironically, he was called “every name in the book” from a book with passages he has to “sound out.” But, his good friends in Texas are doing quite well, fiscally, even though Americans die every day because a roadside bomb or something equally as devastating. I know Saddam was a bad guy but why trade 4,290 American lives for one Iraqi bad one? I hope it’s not for oil. I think our soldiers over there are incredible. Absolutely. And not just in Iraq. The ones all over the world. They do what is asked and they perform unbelievably. I could never do what they do. But when they get blindsided and die, I can do nothing but pray for them. And it’s frustrating.

"The Commander-In Chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did this news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad? Think about it... are you upset at the President because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the "Media" told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day?"

No, I am upset at the president because Americans die almost every day in Iraq, the economy is crap, people are losing their houses, and gas is headed to $4 a gallon. We are unsafe visiting a myriad of countries abroad, the deficit… I’m just glad I don’t have kids, they’d be faced with a *$^#@ of a bill! In the U.S., the dollar can buy you anything (and yes, I do mean anything), we’re daily losing the freedoms that we are so proud of but invade other countries to establish, our drinking water has more pharmaceuticals than David Crosby’s coffee, we’re tired, negative, hurt, we have little-to-no say in the goings-on of our country and we are hated by most of the places I’d love to visit.

"Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go."

They died for my freedom? So I wasn’t free before?

"Then why did they hate us? They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an ''other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable'' discharge after a few days in the brig. So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want, but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds, it leads; and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts. How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells, and when criticized, try to defend their actions by "justifying" them in one way or another. Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O.J. Simpson to write a book about "how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way"...Insane!"

So I guess America is great because of its democracy and principles. Like presuming O.J. is guilty even after being pronounced innocent by a jury of his peers. Democracy. This is why we’re proud, right? Isn’t democracy is what we’re all about? Do I think he did it? Hell, I don’t know! All I know is what the 1,205,875,003,203 people have told me about it. Apparently they do know. I do agree with the media being too invasive. Poor Britney can’t drop a deuce without there being photos in the Enquirer or Star. But the Enquirer or Star wouldn’t even exist without readers. Or lookers. People love bad news, especially celebrity bad news. Celebrities are famous. That’s so cool.

"Stop buying the negativism you are fed everyday by the media. Shut off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as a country. There is exponentially more good than bad.We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day or at least be thankful and appreciative."

Yes, we should.

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

Okay, this is dangerous ground here. Hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, and severe thunderstorms are all acts of God. I don’t think any of the “unhappy Americans” are unhappy with Him. No, I don’t think we should blame Him. I’m thinking Republicans, Democrats, cheating governors, oil companies, plain people who love money, who love gossip, love failure and people who don’t put their cart back in the return stall at the supermarket just because no one is watching. That and $3.50 for gas just burns my chaps! And yes, I have chaps. They’re really awesome chaps. I’m just saying…

I Don't Know About Wells Fargo

2009-03-31T11:05:00.000-06:00

I don’t know about my bank. Strange things afoot at Wells Fargo.

Okay, the candy: can they change the type every now and again? State Bank has a variety of hors d'oeuvres and foie gras for their customers. Zion’s bank features chili and beer in a can to remain “in touch” with their slack jawed yokel customers. But Well Fargo? That same damn candy. I Googled the candy and each piece contains 150 gm of fat, 728 calories and a pinch of evil.

Last time I was in there, I asked the girl why they don’t vary from that particular candy. Without batting an eye she said, “We hope all of our customers either lose their teeth and/or die.” Apparently if you pass, Wells Fargo just keeps your money and buys lunch for the staff on Fridays.

Strange things happening at Well Fargo. They open at 9 am. I showed up at 8:58 (so I’m overly punctual. Sue me) They were chanting and humming and had a makeshift pentagram on the ground made from magazines, sticky notes and deposit slips. I couldn’t hear exactly what they were chanting but I caught the words “Satan” “Oprah” and “William Shatner.”

And the e-mails! I used to get the typical ones, you know, “Start planning your retirement now” or “You’re two clicks away from financial freedom!” Now I get Fwd: FW: Hilary naked! Or Fwd: FW: Obama is gonna get us! (You know, the one where they remind you that his middle name is Saddam and his uncle works for al-Qaeda in the meat department).

And the tellers! You’ve seen Dukes of Hazzard, right? Jessica Simpson as Daisy? Yeah, these girls look more like Uncle Jesse. Or Cooter, maybe. That one loan officer used to babysit Strom Thurmond.

My friend Cade banks there. They called his wife to verify “mysterious charges” to the Dew Drop Inn off 89. Also, it appears that he bought a nightgown from Christensens in January and they just wanted to make sure it was, in fact, for his wife. Apparently, Wells Fargo is also into c@ck-blocking.

I don’t know. Maybe, as usual, I’m over-analyzing things. But they could change that damn candy. I’m just saying.