chapters

Why the confusion???

2018-04-28T21:49:00.000-07:00

The story can be a wonderful story. But, it is so full of chaos and drama and he put the blame on her and made her feel she did all the wrong. When in fact it was him. But yet for some odd reason she still clings to hope that he truly wants her. Even taken time off something brings them back together and it seems the same as last year. He confesses he's got a lot of ladies for attention, but says he only wants her. But yet tells her good-bye. Leaving her speechless on what to think. He says she's too much for him. Yes, she's been broken by her past and even by him. She's lived through attempted murder and abuse. Yet, she wants to be loved. Close to settling for just sex she finds it in herself to realize she deserves a man who will love her inside and out. No matter how hard she is to love. She deserves a man who will teach her to trust humankind again. Not one who will continue to make her question every mans intention with her. She may be broken. But she's been gluing herself back together piece by piece. Hoping one day he will come along. A challenge she is, for the right man she will be a blessing. He just needs to accept her and all she really needs from him is a hug. To feel safe. To know she can put her guards down. But, why is he so confused? He says he has many ladies wanting his attention but to him she is the special one. Then tells her peace. If she questions him about it he'd say she was wrong. Wouldn't be the first time either. Why is she so drawn to him?

Why was it so confusing?

2018-03-10T13:32:00.001-08:00

For so long my life was a broken road with many potholes. I thought people were my friends. The guys I dated never loved me. Over time I realized I was wrong. Take for instance my ex Nate. He was abusive and ruined me so much I felt ugly even in my favorite dress. But getting him out my house once and for all, I finally began looking at every person who I knew past and present. And I realized not everyone was my friend. I mean there's a reason why I have nothing to do with my family. I mean besides the fact they're child molesters and murderers and drug addicts. I got better things to do with my life. People who did love me left me through death. The honest ones who cared for me. Yeah a few grew apart from me or o grew apart from them on my own terms.

But that was life. I had to learn my purpose on this Earth. I'm 40, now. Still not sure what my purpose is. My heart says "Go for it". But, my brain says " How?". My heart desires to have my restaurant. It's like a craving. But it has been going on for so many years. Too many years. I always fantasized that I'd meet that guy who wanted to help me fulfill my dreams and make me happy. Telling me to open my restaurant and he'd give me start up funding but after that it will be my butt paying for things I needed to run it. I know the location I'd have it too. Right on Rt. 9. I'd serve real homemade food. Nothing too froufrou and not boring. Good food for cheap. I'd have a playground like the ones anyone over 30 would remember growing up playing in, for the kids to play outside while dinner was cooking or lunch or breakfast. Family friendly. I'd have a free table for homeless or less fortunate who can't afford to eat. I'd hire people who need the job and elderly who don't want to quit working but the companies they worked for forced them out because of their age. The walls will be lined with bench seats and seats at the counter as well as 4 extra tables in the middle. Enough space for everyone no matter their size to feel comfortable.

But I got off topic when I went into my desire. The people I grew apart from were rich and poor, straight and gay addicts of every form and clean no drugs type. People with diseases people without. They all had their purpose in my life. Some to help me remove others. Some to help me see the better picture ahead of me. Some were there to lead me to the ones meant to be with me in my journeys through life. I always said I could never hate a person. It's not biblical to hate someone. But it is human to feel animosity and anger, which in turn can look like hatred. But it's not. No I don't hate any of you. I hate what you put me through and how you made me feel. But I don't hate those of you are impotent and lie and cheat you way through life, just so you can feel good inside because either you're ugly. Inside and out.

Even now, I look at the present and think of the confusion I've been going through. I walked into a building trying to figure out my future with the building and things inside of it. I was once so excited about going in there. Slowly I kept getting hints I didn't belong in there. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how to go about ending my relation with the company in that building. I've had the nightmare last night that put it the nail in the coffin. Waking up crying I made a mistake with someone thinking he's upset with me. More like mad as hell at me. And both things were synced together in the dream. I don't know why either. But I hope I figure it out soon. This is driving me crazy.

I'll keep you posted..

To my sister...

2018-02-02T01:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Dawn..
16 years ago we had an argument on a Thursday night. Our usual thing. Had I known that that would be our last argument I would've made it last longer. I would've forced you to sit and eat that fucking chocolate ice cream in the kitchen with me. I would've explained how the only jealousy I had towards you back then was not of the guy who punched you in the face or ripped your hair out in bunches or made your lip bleed. But of that beautiful baby you gave me to raise. Knowing my own battles I fought to survive what I did years before. I'd do it again to protect you and Rain. I'd fight harder to make you see you had to get away from the family and from Nate. But you couldn't.
You're up there with Dad. There are times I sit in envy of that. But I'm not ready to die and give up what I have here. I couldn't basically walk away the gift of children whether it be human or covered in fur. Can you please tell my Daddy, I'm sorry? I'm sorry because I'm forgetting him. I can remember sardine sandwiches and beer with him and Grandpa watching the Sox. I can remember him at the children's museum at the big telephone then bubbles and the bunnies. I can remember him handing me the rock (I still have til this day) and telling me the story about the Indians and how when they were in pain they'd rub the flat round rock and pray. I can remember Stephen and Chris telling us Dad died falling from a train at Ashmont Station on his way home from work, when they picked us up from CCD. Even though it was a joke. The nights he'd bring home Spukies. And when Robbie was attacked by the neighbors dogs and Mom was at the hospital Dad let me sleep with him because I was scared. In the blink of an eye the only memory I have after that is the night he died. February 3, 1986, he told me he was going for just a jar of sauce he'd be right back, down and back. I kept crying and begging him to take me with him. But he wouldn't. The night he really died. On the convenience store floor. People standing around him not helping and pushing those who tried to help away so he'd die. Dawn. I can't remember him. I feel sad. I feel bad. You get to see him everyday. And here I am I am just forgetting him.
Dawn I can't forget you. No matter how I try to. I can't. I look at Rain and I see you. My best friend. I think if Nate didn't murder you you'd still be here with two kids. I held that secret in for so many years. This year when I blurted it out at Rain. Seeing how James and his actions and how he was treating her reminded me so much of you. I felt I was fighting with you. Trying to get you to not settle because you think you don't deserve better. I often wonder if you were alive today, where would you be? What you'd be doing? Would I be up north or down or even out west?
That family fucked me up so much. All those years of abuse mentally and physically. I don't trust them. So sad too because they lost out on Rain and her cousins growing up together. Life went on. And it still does. 16 years of you being gone. February 3, 2002 we brought you into the hospital. February 5, 2002 you died. Two hard days for before you died became even harder then. Dads date of death and what would be his birthday if he was still alive. When Mom died, did she apologize to him? Did they reunite and still love each other? Or did she end up with one of her other guys? I always wondered stuff like that. You know me, always crazy thinking lol. Thirty two years no Daddy. Sixteen years no Big Sister. Yeah there's Kari. But she's still a stranger to me. Even with all her "I want to be family and move passed all that". All these years without her being on my side. All of a sudden she wants to be here. But no real effort. Only time she contacts me is about the inheritance money. Its been a couple weeks since she last spoke to me too. I don't know what to believe with her. She was never really there before you died and never there to help care for our mother while she was dying. Came in the picture after trying all that stuff and hurting Rain. So I built walks to protect your baby. I was damn sure not going to let them hurt her like they did you and me.
Oh you'd be so proud of Rain. Everything she's done and gone through. Sadly she's a animal hoarder and doesn't like to take care of herself. I think she's trying to fill some void in her life because she's not happy about something and thinks she has to buy every rat and mouse she sees now. I wish she'd stop. It's not healthy. She needs to do more with her life. Yes, she works part time and drives James to and from work. But I think she's bored and misses her friends who seem to never want to hang out anymore. But she's alive and doing what she has to for now. I love her. Always have and always will. But honestly if I could go back 22 years I would've talked harder into getting you to move south with me.
I'm a rambling chick right now. I'm tired. Can you do me a favor and help me out with a few issues we got going on right now? You know what they are. Things need fixing. Need money to fix things and replace things and buy a second car. Fix up the one we have now too. The roof, the kitchen the appliances. I want to get things set for Rain and James so they can breathe and start life on their own being able to put money away for a rainy day. Or take a vacation with no worries. While you're doing all this help me figure out which guy goes where. Tell Mom I'm sorry for all the bad times before and after.

January 28th, 2018

2018-02-01T02:48:00.000-08:00

Sunday first thing in the morning. I lie in bed and find my cellphone beeping from a text received. After reading it, it took me awhile to decide to respond. The texter hurt me before after years of flirting I confessed I wanted more. Only to be rejected. He played me and my feelings for so long. Just to shut the door in my face. Now after all this time he's texting me? Basically telling me he's horny and wants a friends with benefits situation with me. See I'm a damn good woman. I know my limits. Usually I'd ignore crap like that and move on. But, I played his game and got sucked in some by him. I already decided this year I was going to be saying Yes to more things. Even though that was my idea for this year, I can not for the life of me figure out how to just fuck a guy. Friend or not? To me I know I deserve better. I deserve the whole package. I led him to believe I'd be down to fucvk, but then I flipped it all and began saying things to him to see if he'd catch that I wouldn't go there with him? I don't think he likes rejection. He is after all a pretty boy. And we all how they doing like being told no. But I did tell him I'd text if I ever wanted to have sex with him. I know I wouldn't go there with him. Since then I have lost sleep. Why? I don't get it. Why can't I just shut him out this time? I already texted him to tell him I deserve better and I can't believe hge thought so little about me. And there's Tinder for guys like him. I know I will Never get an apology from him. Why do I attract guys like him? I moved on. I wished so hard for awhile he was the good guy I once thought he was.
But dreams die fast. I would love to hear him say I am sorry. I never meant to disrespect you. He even said he'd never mess with me. That's the last thing he would try and do. But he did just that. Even if he didn't do it subconsciously, he still did it. Weird thing is, I'm not hurt like I was a few months ago. Now, I'm actually insulted and disrespected. That makes me mad. I want to hate him. But really I can't hate him. He used my words against me. But my words were "stop being afraid to go after good strong desires and have fun and be with someone and only one". Because he used the words " you deserve better, I'm a loose cannon around women". He basically tried persuading me by turning my words around just so he can fuck me and be gone.
Sadly for him he got to walk around with blue balls for the day. Honestly if he was truly in my area as he said he was and if he showed up here and instead of saying anything and just began kissing me I'm sure something may have happened. But instead he just texted. Now I think of it, maybe he was just being cowardly about it. Some of the stuff he was saying was signs he had feelings but scared to do anything about it. If I'm going to just fuck a guy any guy, I'd do it without kissing on the lips and forehead. Kissing the lips leads to feelings growing inside your heart. A guy kisses your forehead when he's in love with you. With him. I don't think he could hold himself back from kissing me on the lips or forehead. Neck is fine, shoulders fine, stomach fine, breasts and cleavage fine. But you kiss the mouth or forehead, there's more to it. I can't risk that for any guy who is not ready to be with me for real. I am a damn good woman and I deserve more than just to be fucked. Don't get me wrong, I could use a good hard fuck. Who is human wouldn't? I'd love for this to be just a misunderstanding. But, even though I don't know everything about him. I do know him. I too was once afraid. After all it just took me a few years to fix my life. Last year was a very tough year. Restarting my life.
This year? I'm ready for real strong love. Whether it be the guy getting out of prison with no honest promise of staying good, or it be this guy or another guy. I will be swept off my feet this year. Ultimately when I least expect it really. And since I truly honestly don't expect anything good during Valentine month after all these years of never liking the month I enter it accepting whatever God and His Angels send me.
Honest to B. If somehow you ever read this. In my heart I am truly deeply sorry for giving you a taste of your own medicine. It is not right. I'm hurt for hurting you in return. I forgive myself. Even though you'd never say it I do forgive you. You're just a confused puppy needing a home. I am sorry.

Martin?

2017-10-27T02:59:00.000-07:00

Was that truly your name? You were fast to get rid of your email and Hangouts. You made it seem like I was some enemy by saying what I had to say. I can't hold you back from your school. You're here on a visa. You don't need me as a distraction. I had no problem being a friend.
I've had my fare share of abusive relationships. I'm a handful for any guy taken on anything with me. Whether it is a friend ship or a relationship. I can't feel like I'm being rushed or smothered.
I know you read these. You said you were reading these. Don't think of me as an enemy. I'm far from that. You have your whole life ahead of you. Why would you waste it on someone my age? I'm old enough to be your mother.
I'm not rich. Far from it. Im facing eviction from my own house. Because I quit a job to get away from an abusive person who denied what he was doing. My life is full of chaos right now. That's why I pull back from anyone right now. I pulled back from friends who have known me years. No one knows what's going on. Basically because I doubt anyone would care and anyone would help. I will get it taken care.
I need to focus on being positive. I have gone through a lot. And how you spoke to me that last night. It just made me pull back further. I shouldn't be made to feel wrong fir something I said. Been there, done that. Like you said let's move forward.

Made changes for the better..

2017-07-23T11:28:00.000-07:00

I couldn't take the pain of walking around dead anymore. So, I faught back. It pissed people off. But now I'm happy and breathing and living again. Those who got mad were the ones who were hurting me and I was getting rid of. I struggled to pay off my debt, so I wouldn't have to worry once I got rid of one person who wanted me dead. He was so abusive to me. He denied it too long. He thought I was screwing myself over when I cut ties. But in the end it was him who lost out. Good luck to the people he's with now. I will never let him back in my life. I'm too good for that. He doesn't deserve my frienship either. He lies about being sick and dying. He sucks you in feeling sorry for him. He pretends to be other people on Facebook. Many accounts he has under fake names and pictures. As I find them I block them. I blocked all his calls on my phone. He told me his cellphone was stolen lol no he changed his number and pretended to be some guy lol too funny. Trying to hold onto me because I took care of his ass for 11 years. Imagine how beautiful my life would have been if I just kicked him to the curb years ago instead if being a soft thinking he was dying. Problem was he never did. He would shut up once he got questioned too much about when he supposed to have had a bad heart or when he claimed to have cancer. You can write a book about how crazy this guy was. I'm glad he's gone. I have many unread emails from him. I'm sure they're mostly threats of how I'm a bitch and treated him wrong and he's going to ruin my life. He did that for years. He's just mad I took my life back. Anyways, my life is way better now. No guy will ever do that to me again. Enjoy your day y'all...

False hope B...

2017-06-20T04:17:00.000-07:00

I guess chrome didn't want me to publish my story. It messed up and deleted everything I had written. About to hit save and it stopped working. I'm still upset at you B. Before I started typing on here, I had it pictured in my head I'd call out your name and your company. But as I started typing I just typed out the lies you said and how upset at you I am. You lied about the job. You lost antiques your friend, employee stole from me. Your other employee was half here and half gone. When he was here he hardly worked. He did a shotty job. Broke things to have more things to repair so y'all would get more money. The job was supposed to be 3-4 days ended up being over ten weeks long. You were a lot of talk when N was here. He is gone then you stop talking. It's been over a month and you haven't repaired the spot in my ceiling that's leaking. So I gave you the text that you can forget about it. You'll never do it. You are just one guy who likes to talk alot of bullshit. I get it. You have your pretty clean white house with no problems. I gave up alot of the years. But I am slowly gaining my life back. I don't need you. I wanted you. Big difference. I didn't screw it up. I figured that out. It wasn't me. It couldn't be me. You were the one that was a lot of talk. Shit, I finally got rid of N and have been fixing shit he broke on me replacing things he threw away on me paying off debt he caused me. If you can't handle my crazy, that's fine. You should have said so. But I am done letting guys talk shit that's not true to me. I deserve a damn good man. I am a damn good woman. I don't deserve liars, cheaters alcoholics nor drug addicts. And I'm sure you fall into one or two of these categories. Fuck I'm turning 40 in July. I don't have time for big boys and their lies. If you can't be honest with me I don't have time for you. I'm not rich in money. But I am rich in many other ways. I need a man who will compliment my life. Not detract from it. So you take your expensive house and your lousy business techniques and you enjoy life. I'll figure out my roof. After all this is my year to find a good man that will accept all the bullshit I've just been through and move on with my life. Take care of yourself. don't overwork your life in your life you forget to live. Because you'll hit that spot in your life you'll wonder why you didn't do all those things you said you'd do. Go take care of your desires. I'm not mad at you. I'm upset at you. There's a difference. You let me down.

There's a difference between guys and men... No?

2016-11-23T11:30:00.000-08:00

So far in my life I've met mostly guys. The few men I met were good men who were married to good women. Well minus one who married the wrong woman because she made him believe she was pregnant with his baby.
But anyways. Guys say all the right stuff to get you to listen. But they have absolutely no clue what to do with it. So they jerk off and leave after 3 pumps. Claim the girls psycho or too clingy. Men do the job right and stick around. Guys call women cows. Men call them ladies. Men do not cheat. Guys do. Men do not manipulate. Guys do.
Here's some guys for you.
Nate. Lies, cheater, neglects the one he's "dating" and living with to lie to another saying he lives with his uncle. she gave up on him years ago. But he just won't leave. Blamed her for everything wrong. When it's not her fault he was like that before she met him. If she knew before what she learned she would have never given him the time of day. Now he's living his karma for all his wrong doings. Breathing problems and no one here trusting him.
John... Haha sorry just pictured how he looks now. Fat, toothless, bald, ugly. He got his karma. Over compensating turns out to be the worst thing you can do. He over compensated because he was a major problem to anyone who met him. I'm glad he left. I'm glad to not have anything to do with him anymore either.
Matthew... I'm glad he didn't last long either. Full of life and deceit. His poor girlfriend. She deserves way better. Im glad he's not near me. I have been through enough with lying people. Glad he's gone.
To all the guys who thought I was too fat. Im glad you are a thing of the past. Because I deserve better. To the guy who says he wants me, but doesn't put effort into getting me or bring with me. Thanks, for not being man enough to do so. But good enough to step aside and not hold me back from moving forward. To the guy I just met this week. Honestly, you don't know what you really want nor need. I'm glad I didn't hand you my eggs and say "protect these" because you would have dropped them. I wish you luck in finding exactly what you want and need. I deserve a man who knows exactly what that is to him.
Thanks to a certain guy, no names being said. A couple years ago you came into my life to help make it better. You were a sight to see. But kind hearted. I wish I had more confidence in myself after everything I have been through. Even this past year from time to time I'd text to say hi. You were still kind enough to be polite. Even when I flirted or joked around. You didn't make me feel small or stupid. I felt comfortable. Why can't I meet a man like you who'd date someone like me? I even began thinking somehow you know John. I'm positive Russell knew him. It clicked in fast when I saw Russell, but i kept my mouth shut. You had to of known John. Because I didn't speak to him but somehow he knew about things only you and Russell knew going on. Not that it matters. But if John was a major drug addict i would think you were as well? I would hope not. But anyways.. it's too late.
Anyway,, my being messed up started with my family. And fighting to keep my sister's baby safe. I grew up in that crap. Im happy to not have anything to do with that family. And my sister trying to pretend to be family, that was a joke. And sadly Rain got hurt. But she learned why I kept her away. Now she knows not to do it again. That family is not worth it.
I've got friends who I don't associate with anymore. Mainly because they were drug addicts and I'm not and I have better intentions in life. I don't miss them anymore.
What I miss is being able to feel safe, sexy and wanted. Okay maybe not wanted but desired. Im writing a book. I got most of it done. But I need to go back over it and correct spots and add story to it. Change names of people in it. But for the most part I'm happy with it and where it's going.
Writing helped me get anger out. It helped me work on me too. I have dreams of being loved so right I forget I missed years of being held and loved. I never got to experience real honest to goodness love. So it goes without saying, I haven't met the man. Just guys....

The ad said sub wanting Dom... What happened?

2015-10-21T10:15:00.002-07:00

He showed up to the motel, she lets him in. He sits on the bed. Goes to reach for her. She pushes his hands done and says not until I tell you you can touch me. He tried again she pushes his hands down. She put her foot on the bed over his leg and says take your fingers and fill my pussy hole. He looks at her laughs. She slaps him and says stop laughing and do as I said now. So he take 3 fingers and fills her pussy hole with them. Now rub my clit with your thumb, he runs. Make me cum in your hand, so he starts fucking her with his fingers rubbing her clit. Harder you bastard, so he goes harder ramming his fingers in her pussy. She moans, grabs his shirt and bucks hard as she cums in his hand. Now rub your dick with my juices bastard. He tries kissing her, no fucking kidding rub it on your dick now. And get completely naked. Before hearing another he undresses fast throwing his clothes all over the room. Reaches her cunt takes her juices and rubs it oin his dick. His limp little dick. She pushes him back he lays on his back, knees bent over the edge of the bed. Feet on the floor. She climbs on top of his chest as facing his face she grabs his limp dick hard in her fist and says lick my pussy long and slow now. As he licks she rubs his dick hard in her hand she licks the tip of his dick and sucks it into her mouth as she cums again on his face. She gets up turns around and kneels just above his semi hard dick, smiles at him and rams his dick into her pussy and fucks him hard and fucks him long. Takes a good 15 minutes of ramming his dick hard before he's solid cock and blows hard fast cum deep inside of her. She gets off him. Grabbing hand cuffs she cuffs hands to the bed posts stretched his arms away from being able to touch her. She grabs a hit burning candle and begins to drop hot wax on his groin just above his cock burning him. He's beginning to complain she tells him to shut the fuck up but he won't so she grabs a gag from her bag stuffs it in his mouth and leaves him muffled yelling as she drops hot wax on his body in various spots. Letting the wax get hard then ripping it off. He's beginning to sweat and getting frustrated, she sees this. So giving him a break from the pain, she kneels her wet pussy on his stomach as she takes his cock in her hands and rubs him hard and fast making him hard and running in her hands over and over. She's taking the cum rubbing it in her pussy, fingering herself as he watched she takes his dick in her mouth ad begins to fuck herself as she's sucking him hard. She's rubbing her foot and spreads her legs wide over his stomach so he can watch as she cums on his stomach as she's tasting his cum pour into her mouth as she spits it down her chin and continues to suck his dick she leans back and stick her wet pussy on his nose moving in and over face fucking him with her wet pussy. she turns around takes the gag out his mouth, kisses him and tells him to suck her tits like a baby and be begins to suck and she's riding his cock long and slow she's watching him suck her big tits finally letting him bite onto a nipple she looks down at him and smiles as she's fucking him over and over. She's grinding her pussy on his dick getting tight on his dick she's pushing on his chest grabbing it pinching his nipples, she leans back hard on his dick as he explodes inside her. She rests there watching him. Leaning down she kisses him as she slides off. She walks over to her bag and grabs cuffs that have chains attached to them. She cuffs his legs one by one and cuffs his legs raised up off the bed. She goes in her bag and gets out a peg and begins fucking hiss asshole with it. Rubbing his cock as she's pegging his asshole he gets hard, harder than he has been so she stands above him and slams down ramming his extremely hard cock deep into her pussy making him immediately bust a nut into her. She does her hips in circles making his cock tingle inside her pussy she reaches behind her and begins fucking him with the peg again. Bouncing her pussy up and down on him fucking him. He cums again inside her. She undoes his wrists and tells him to hold her and fuck her so he does, she tells him suck my skin he does as he's told. Pinched my nipples, so he does. He's sucking away as her skin leaving bruises and making love to her. His hands feeling all over her body he lifts her begins sucking on her clit and fingering her asshole with a finger pulling her leg over his shoulder he begins biting her clit kissing it sucking it licking her pussy tonguing her pussy hole fucking her hole with his tongue, she's grabbing his hair shoving his face in her he lays back taking her with him and she's telling him make me cum for you, make this pussy yours. He's pulling her hips hard on his face as he's eating at her pussy her fingers grabbing tight on his hair as she begins bucking hard getting ready to cum he says undo my legs undo my legs so she undoes his legs, and gets on her knees he's fucking her hard she's moaning hard his hands gripping her shoulders hard he's banging her from the back sweat pouring down his face he's banging her she's rubbing her clit he takes his hand and helps her rub her clit hard keeping her trembling hard making her body work up hard they're rubbing her clit together hard as he's fucking her pussy he bites her shoulder and she gives in and explodes hard on his dick as he explodes deep inside her pussy. He kneels back and she goes with him sitting on his dick and he says I'm getting raw I can't keep going, so she begins fucking his dick pounding her ass to his legs making his dick go in and out of her extremely wet pussy she bounces him into running one more time. Leans back into him as they sit there kissing. Her tits in his hands he's still pinching her nipples. She says I have one more treat for you. She gets up goes to her bag and pulls out a dildo must've been 10 inches long 3 inches thick. It was attached to a motor handle like one of those power toothbrushes. She says this is my treat to you, you get to sit back and watch me fuck myself one final time before wee sleep. So he leans back into the pillows as she leans against the bedpost at the foot of the bed legs spread wide takes the dildo and places it at her pussy hole and starts teasing her pussy with it, going slow rubbing it on her clit all over her pussy lips and puts it into her pussy and begins fucking herself with it. Doesn't take long before she's shoving it deep inside her letting it vibrate and fuck her as she's staring at him fall asleep she gets on all fours and sucks his cock as the dildo is vibrating inside her. He falls asleep as she's sucking him off. She sees no point wasting the dildo so she quickly gets herself off with it. Cleans up her stuff and climbs on his lap in hopes he wakes up for one more romp she's fucking his limp dick sucking his neck he wakes up enough to look at her and sucks her tit for a quick second, but noticing it wasn't going further she gets up handcuffs him to the bed, leaves a note and disappears forever...

Thanks boys, but I've got it from here

2015-09-24T23:36:00.002-07:00

Ugh, how did I go from single and happy to trying to find a man and blah feeling about it? Oh yeah, that's right I listened to friends.

Let me tell you about the guys I've met. But let me say this... Just because you have a penis it does not mean you are a man. Your character does.

The guys.... Matthew is last years news. He wasn't worth shit then still isn't today.

Hank.... In his 50s, full of headgames. Loved to lie. Cheat. Carried diseases like the candy man wanting to pass them out. But I wasn't having any of them. I'm too good for him. Took me a bit, but got rid of him.
Then, Stuart? I think. But anyways. He began by sounding promising. 33, a virgin, outgoing etc. Well then he drops the I live with my parents, don't keep jobs, my parents piss me off because they're so noisy. I'd rather go out playing with my friends than work. Claimed he wanted to be a cop. Boy did he drop the ball on things in life. I just stopped replying to him.
John.. No job, lives with his family. Doesn't do anything with his life but watch his families kids. No thanks.
Jim, a guy in my town. Seemed sweet. But he didn't like talking I guess. But he turned me off by sending me a picture of himself naked. Adios.
Gareth. God, I really hoped he had promise. We were going good. Good conversation. Great actually. But then he tried calling me a liar. Telling me I wasn't the same person in both my pictures. 2 weeks apart in the pictures. My guess he was just insecure and had to start an argument. But I simply just said goodbye. I have more respect for myself than to sit there arguing with a boy.
I feel I'm missing someone? So many boys in a few short months. But I am done. I'm going back to what I know best. Being happy and single. I'm healthy, 38, big beautiful vibrant and outgoing. God fearing. Don't lie, don't cheat. I help others. When the right man comes along he will. We will mesh so well I'll forget the crap I had to dig through the past few months.
I'm not settling for anyone either. I deserve a damn good man. A farmer type guy. A hard working man. Like the guy I drove passed a few weeks ago in Spencer. God he was gorgeous. He was pulling into his driveway. Black car. Short dirty blond hair on his head. Handsome as all get out. Farmer.
Thinking I need to write a book... No one reads this, so I can keep talking. But I won't. This happy and healthy beautiful lady is going to bed..

I love you guys, for showing me I'm better than you can ever offer. I'll keep dreaming about that guy. Maybe, just maybe God will lead us together someday.

Enjoy your life people. Don't settle for crap.

Favorites

2015-07-23T12:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Favorite,

I can't imagine going through life feeling absolute emptiness like I am feeling right now. I feel parts of me healing from past hurts. But part of me is hurting new. And I'm afraid to feel this. I feel lost. There's only one person I want around. But I don't want to talk, I don't want to stand either. I want him laying here with me, holding me, as I cry while I let go of my friends who I ll never speak to again. Not saying a word, just letting my tears fall. I can't tell anyone. Because I'm a fool. He hurt me. But with him I feel safe. No matter the horror I felt from things said. I can't talk to anyone person because people talk. No one shuts up while one person is talking. It's always about getting your opinion in. He listened to me until his ears bled. He let me cry on his shoulders about my Dad. He held me through the pain of Michael, he didn't even know it, but he did. I wish Michael didn't marry Barbra when he did. He'd still be alive today. I wish Michael didn't hurt the way he did, because he left me. I want so badly to find the love and affection and trust I had in Michael just as I did in my Dad. Now I've got to continue on with it in my head how the one I want near me can't be. He's not even dead. People always say the best way to get over someone is get with another. Hell that's a lie. A real huge lie. And I just lived. The past couple months just made me miss him more and more. I'm empty and alone. I have no one to tell. I can't even tell him. It's all lies. I hate this. I hate being alone with my head and my heart battling each other. Everyone else is moving on, but I'm here like "hey I'm fragile". No one will ever understand this. No one goes through everything I just went through this month. I want to be in love so in love I want to be drunk in love. Never questioning anything. I want that kiss. So I never feel this feeling again... I want to give my everything to a man who wants to give me his everything. So as my last friend gets laid to rest this morning I begin to heal from the final loss. I forgive you all who have committed suicide, those of you who died in accidents or of health issues. So many of you in heaven together now. You can all watch over me and lead me to him. I want to be that rib to complete that man I'm to fit with for the rest of my life. But for now, I'm going to finish this goodbye. I need to let go of my past and let in the future. I'm tired of losing people. Tired of hurting. Tired of thinking. Tired of being alone inside my head while my heart feels this way..

Love from,
Your Favorite

PS.... I'm not SUICIDAL I'm just ending my past.... From now on fuck the past, I'm taking back my year!!!!!

Basically youre fat but you're beautiful....

2015-06-12T22:39:00.002-07:00

Recently I heard well more like read a text from a guy....
He says "You're a big girl, but you're beautiful". It has been bugging the shit out of me since I heard it. How do you say that to someone you claim you fell in love with? For over a week he couldn't make up his mind what he wanted said he was taking time off from talking to me because I made him crazy he couldn't sleep etc. Then a day later he sends me a message how he figured his problem out, that he was in love with me.. Today he sends me that text. " you're a big girl, but you're beautiful". Ever since I've been turned off.
Dude I'm not fat. I have huge tits. But hey you go find a skinny chick to fuck with the head of. Because I'll find a man who won't point out my body size. Because seriously that had to be what your problem was! You took a liking to a bigger than size 6 chick. And you can't figure out how or why. Maybe because I'm too independent and I'm not out for your fucking money. I don't give a shit how fucking rich or poor a man is. But the second you make me feel inadequate I've lost interest I your shallow shit. Yup, you were right, you're not the man for me. Because I don't want to kissing some guy then hear out his mouth "I love your fat" because no woman wants to hear it. And if she does then she is mentally fucked up.
Then the line " I want to pretending we are something we aren't". What's that even mean? But you go onto to talking about sex. Maybe I'm thinking too much into it. But either way I can't go backwards. I'm just moving forward. With or without a man beside me in bed, with or without a man beside me as I walk through my journey through life. I'm making me happy.

let me clear my throat.....

2015-04-19T00:10:00.001-07:00

big·ot
ˈbiɡət/
noun
a person who is intolerant toward those holding different opinions.....

a·the·ist
ˈāTHēəst/
noun
a person who disbelieves or lacks belief in the existence of God or gods.......

Both are ignorant words, but many chose to be one or the other, sometimes both. When I was young another word I was taught was nigger. Back then I was taught it has two main meanings 1. Ignorant person and 2. A black person. I was told never to use the word because even if I was using it to call someone ignorant it could hurt someone or get me hurt. I was taught that by our neighbor Woody. He was a black guy. No, I don't know why tonight these words he taught me about has come to mind. But I want to talk about this for a bit. Okay? And I am going to refer to the word nigger as ignorant in my discussion. Just so y'all know beforehand.

Nigger is a noun meaning to be of ignorance .....

Which one is worse to be? Let me stop you right there! I want you to continue reading this before you comment. Undeniable they are all full of sadness and those choosing to be any of those are full of sadness. Let me through this in there.... Anyone referring to their friend as a nigger to call him/her homeboy/home girl is full of sadness too. Why are any of those continuing to be used in this day and age?? Aren't we hurting each other enough with other mean words and our fists and knives and guns?

Seriously tell me why would you chose to be a bigot when one day you're going to need help during a car accident and the only one who will be there to give you a shoulder to cry on while waiting for the ambulance could be a person of another race. In a time of need you will not be thinking get away from me black person or Chinese or white person. You're going to be thinking "please hold me while I cry".

Atheist.. Why is it so hard to believe someone or something created us many years ago from nothing? We are made of science and history. We are made to evolve through love and kindness. Yet you choose to believe you came from nothing. Why? Because you don't have direct answers as to why if God created us to love, by is he allowing so much sadness going on on this Earth? Why be an atheist, when you can choose to believe there is something some higher being out there that created everything from nothing just as you create a garden from dirt and a seed? Miracles happen when we believe in ourselves. When we believe in ourselves we can overcome a lot of things. When you lay down and make a baby you are being like a God in a sense. Let me tell you why.. Ready? Well God the higher being loved himself and life itself he created so much from nothing because he wanted others to experience pure happiness just as he did. Yes, we have all read many types of bibles. But they all come down to the same thing.... Love.

Ignorance.. Nigger... Why be it? Why be anything so sad and negative that it hurts not just you, but your family, your friends and all those you come in contact with throughout your day? Instead of choosing to be something or someone mean and full of sadness and hatred, why not stop that behavior and start changing the past to make your present better by showing love and tolerance for the wicked. Why not change your child's future by being nice to everyone to their face and behind their backs? Stop using the word nigger when referring to your friends too. Yes, you are proud of your friends so then call them better names instead of using a word that ultimately you wouldnt allow a stranger to call you. Instead of saying "what's up nigger?" Say "what's up friend?"

I'm a white girl who grew up in an all black neighborhood. I don't see humans having color as an insult. We are all of the same flesh and blood. My first boyfriend was black. I dated Dominican guys, white, Puerto Rican and Portuguese. It doesn't matter the race of the person or the skin complexion or color. If a person is going to mistreat you they will. If a person is going to love you they will. Isn't that all that matters when you sit down thinking about it? The love that can be shared between people? To me being a bigot, an atheist or a nigger just means someone wasn't loved right as a child and didn't learn right from wrong. If you're not happy. Stop what you're doing and fix it....

🍫 isn't helping...

2015-03-24T16:25:00.000-07:00

Not sure what it is today I'm just sad. Can't figure it out. Doesn't matter the song.. I'm crying. Guess I'm just missing something or someone....

Only time will tell...

13 years and 28 before...

2015-02-04T23:58:00.001-08:00

In my life I have lost many people. One being my bestfriend, my sister. Another being my hero, my Dad. My Dad died 2 days before his birthday, February 3rd, 1986. My sister died on his birthday, February 5th, 2002. Right now the one person I want near me doesn't want to be near me. I was trying my hardest not to think of this month or the anniversaries of two of the greatest people I've ever known. But I'm getting pissed off at people. Can't stand people being so close to me. Every year I'm so used to being alone and keeping busy so I won't have to think. Think about people I can't see face to face nor pick up the phone and call. The things they miss out on because they can't be here physically. My sister didn't get to be here and raise her daughter to the beautiful woman she has become. My Dad didn't get to be here guiding me either. I wish the one person I want to walk through life with would change his mind and come here and hold me up. Or at least give me a dry tissue. I know I have a box right next to me, but it's the thought he'd walk over grab a tissue and hand it to me that counts.

I can barely remember much about my dad. Seriously, what I remember... He worked at Sherwin Williams, he brought me to the children's museum in Boston when I was a kid, showed me the bunnies and the big telephone, my hand got shut in the car door he walked with me on the beach at nantaskett he found a rock it was flat and rock he told me the story of how the indians would rub the rocks and the pain would go away, we moved to Maine, he became a radio DJ and died.. The night he died he made me a promise he didn't keep... "Down and back, I'll be right back. I promise. Just going for a jar of sauce". He died on the stores floor. The nightmares began that night. Aliens coming and killing people, me hiding under the bed and my dad coming and saying " it's okay", but it wasn't. Never will be okay again... He will never get to hear kids calling him "geepa". Never walk me down the aisle if I ever get married...he will never dance with me again, eat pepperoni or sardines with mustard on crackers again, never drink beer or watch baseball with me again, most of all he won't ever hug me again..
My sister, I'm beginning to forget a lot about her too. Seriously I don't remember anything with her when we were kids. I know she was there. Just don't remember it. What I remember is as teens we would skip school together, go to Chinatown and to the movies, we'd walk Carson beach with friends, go to Sam Goody's and Woolworth's and check dudes out, I remember being at the frog pond the day she met Rains father with Becky, shain and Dmae. I remember hanging with her and Mona at the park on a hot summers night drinking a 40, her getting me to smoke pot that one time I hallucinated my dad was in front of me me begging him to help me up the stairs, I remember she hit a stage where she wouldn't go anywhere, her passing out on the train after she and I went walking downtown I swore up and down she was pregnant, low and behold few months later Rain was born. I feel I'm partly to blame for her being dead. If I didn't yell "she thinks you're cute" she wouldn't have met rains father, she wouldn't have been abused and ultimately murdered by him. Dawn is losing out on so much of her daughters growing up. Like her first crush, first kiss, first drivers lesson, her graduation next year, her daughter falling in love and getting married. Her grandkids.
They miss out on so much stuff.
I wanted to fall in love with a guy just like the 3 men who meant so much to me. My dad and my grandfathers. They were the last of the good men. Or so I thought. I wanted a guy who was kind heart, handsome, sweet, sincere, caring, loving, who would fight for me, fight with me and make up by bringing me a flower and talking with me, a man who had taste in suits, wore nice hats, gambled yet knew when to quit. I wanted a hard working man who came home to lay in bed with me every night. Until his dying day. I wanted a man who would love me loving him. I thought I met him. No, I know I met him. Even with all the miles in between us. We met. But then he disappeared just as fast as he came into my life. Now tonight instead of being held by loving arms while I'm crying I lay here alone. Never understanding truly what happened to pull him away so fast. Just wish God would bring him back to me... With him I felt alive. With him I felt happy inside and out. With him I learned to fall in love with my soul. I miss him. I miss me. I miss us...he will never know how much he effected me, just like my dad, just like my sister... He's gone too...

they sat write it out...

2015-02-02T20:33:00.004-08:00

They say write it out, it'll help heal you. Problem is it's too deep. I write and I write and I write. But you're still there in my head fucking with me. I stop to listen to mumbling your shit, but it's aggravating the shit out of me. I want you face to face to me with the privilege to just slap you once. Then I can move on to either love you unconditional if you want me to. Or I can move on and have you out my system. How was it so easy for you to say love love love oh I will come to America and go everywhere and become fat from eating everything in sight. I believed everything you said to me. Even when it made no sense. You made me laugh when I didn't want to laugh. You made me hate you at the same time fall deeper in love with you. Then just as fast as you entered my world, you left. No real honest reason to it either. There's a wish I hold in my heart, that you'd either come home to me or leave my heart and memory so I could move on and stop hating everything and feeling depressed like I want to take my own life. I have so much to live for, yet for weeks now I think if I didn't have any animals taken my life would be so easy. Truly, I don't believe any human would miss me.

This is supposed to be my year. You were supposed to be part of it. Now I'm just lost. And alone. Never felt this hollow before. I want to stop crying and feeling this way. I'm not going to write to you anymore at your email nor any other way I know how to contact you. I love you. But I need to let you. I need to learn to breath again. I need to learn to fill myself with joy and happiness and love and be honest to myself. I'm turning 38 this year. I want to fall in love and get married and have a good mans baby. It's my turn to live. It's sad you fell apart from us. But it's life. I'm not letting you hold me back. I love you, I'm letting you go... Letting you go be alone and miserable and unfulfilled... If you choose to change I will be your friend. I love you, I'm sorry and thank you. Oh and I forgive you....

ten week affair...

2015-01-13T10:26:00.001-08:00

We met fast one night. Never thought it could turn into a ten week long super romance. You came saying how you were in a bad situation. I was there lending you an ear. As a friend or so I thought.
Not in a million years did I ever think I could fall in love with a man the way I did. I've loved men but never have I been in love before. This guy got me to feel feelings I never wanted to feel. But he got into my soul. Made me feel at home.
It happened so fast. Without a warning. Within a week we were saying I love you. He was afraid of telling me his name and showing me his picture. But he did. He was handsome. Funny it had been years since I called any man handsome. The last guy I called handsome earned his name. But this guy looked handsome in the way he dressed and the way he looked.
This guy open many wounds from my past and helped me heal passed them. But at the same time he was taking things from me. I didn't even notice until it was too late. I loved him with my whole heart and soul. We spoke so much it felt like he was right here. In the same room with me.
He was 3,200 miles away. He told me so much about himself. As I told him so much about me and my past. We would feel so comfortable with each other it felt at times he was inside my head. I'd lay on my bed it would feel he was right here laying with me.
There were times we would lay together and dream the same dreams. Talk of being together. He'd come for a visit and then move here to be with me. It felt so real. I believed it would happen. He never gave me reason not to believe he would be here with me.
Ten weeks, we dreamt the same dream of love and happiness. We had our little pet names for each other. Ways to pick on each other. If we argued we spoke it out. Ten weeks in, something happened.
It's been five weeks since it all fell apart. Crumbled like dry bread. We were going so good. Then something happened inside of him he began to pull away and talk less. When he did talk he began finding petty things to argue over to push me away or cause a scene in front of people.
He began lying to me and others around. I figured he was just getting cold feet. Was scared of something so wonderful could happen because he's so used to bad things happening he had to ruin us. So he didn't have to experience something so wonderful. Because he's not ready for it.
I wanted to hold on to him and hope. But holding on means I had to hurt. So I prayed on it. God answered. So for now my life is going on without him. When the time is right and he is truly ready god will lead us back together again. But for now I can only hope and pray for him. He needs to heal from his past so he can experience good in his life. I believe he is a good man.
He deserves happiness and love. All humans do. But my life right now is about making myself first and taking advantage of what God has for me. This is my year. This year I will be happy and in love with life. It may have to be with nother man, but that man will get my all.
And if ten week romance never comes around to finish our journey together at least I have those ten weeks to remember something beautiful. I'm not his loss. He's not my loss. We are not over. He knows it. He just needs to get strong enough to finish what he started.

Ten week romance..... Five weeks still recovering....

i want to dance with you... part one I thought chichi deleted but yay I found it!!!

2014-12-26T22:26:00.001-08:00

From the first moment you entered my world I felt a connection with you. I dreamt of you before you entered my life. Kept asking myself "who is this Matthew in my dreams?". I never knew until that night you would come real to me. We spent so many nights talking and falling for each other. I was afraid of saying " I love you" to you. For I have never been in love before. We have never touched hands let alone kissed. But as we grew closer and dreaming the same dreams. You became more real to me then anyone has before. We are of many miles apart, but when we spoke to each other I felt as if you were right here in the same room with me.

There were nights we never said "goodnight" but simply stayed talking with each other so we had many good nights. I loved you before I even laid my eyes on your pictures of your handsome face. But the moment I saw your face my dreams became real. You were the guy in my dream. You told me your name. My heart fluttered, my gut did its little butterfly dance. I became scared of you. Because I knew you were the one for me.

We would fall asleep talking with each other, snuggling, telling each other we love for one another. We would dream the same dream. Connecting us even more. I loved you even more.

We would talk of our past pains and sufferings, healing each other. We would argue, fuss and fight. But we would make somehow never give up. We would make amends. Fall deeper in love.

Something happened to take you away from me. I miss you so much. All I want to do is hold you and talk with you. I miss you. Maybe you feel the same. But who knows, but you? I can not picture myself with another man. Because after you who can compare to you? Who can make me feel safe at home and beautiful like you did?

I didn't care if you were rich nor poor. Because I felt complete with you. Funny even though we are not talking right now. I still feel you near me. I still feel complete. I smile for no reason. Then I feel you in my heart. I hear you in my thoughts. I still love you.

One day, I will get to dance you under the moonlit sky to just the song in our hearts. Because to me our lives have become a romance novel that has not finished. No matter where you are, just know I hope you haven't stopped dreaming about us. I hope our dreams become reality. Our romance novel gets written through to the end. I hope you hear me every time I say I love you...

I want to dance with you...

2014-12-26T22:05:00.000-08:00

I dreamt of you before you entered my world. Kept asking myself "who is this Matthew?". It was the same dream my going to the door you're there on the outside. You'd say the same thing in each time because the dream never changed. You'd say " I'm never leaving you again!". I'd wake up from the dream lay there wondering "who the hell am I dreaming of? Why does he say that to me?" Then...

You came into my life for real just on a whim. You came into my group one night. Almost like you were looking for someone to hold you up while your life was so dark. We sat there talking for hours. You, me and my friend. You and I just kept chatting all night then all day. Time just got away from us. But we didn't care. To me in the beginning I was a friend helping a friend out of a bad situation.

We grew stronger over that weekend. You got strong enough to walk out and become a better man. Over time you have become stronger and better for yourself. Over time our worlds collided into one world of just us.
Our souls became one soul. We felt and heard each other without even needing to be in the same room let alone the same continent. I was your very first email ever. You were the first man I ever fell in love with. We spent so much time together we were putting our own separate lives on hold for each other.
Within a week I confessed how I loved you. Though I was afraid you weren't even there. I had to tell you how I felt. Then you surprised me by replying your feelings were the same. That you wanted to say it before but were afraid it was too soon. But after all the time we spent together it felt we were together for a year before we said when it hadnt even been a week.
Now remember I've never been in love. So feeling it scares me. Because that means deep inside throughout all the talking we've done, throughout all the healing we've dine to help each other let go of past pains throughout all the fussing, fighting and bickering you grabbed my soul and completed me. You molded me to fit your life. You made me feel at home and beautiful. I have never felt that before you. I dont ever want to feel it with another man either. For me you are all I needed in my life.
You've let me into your world where I helped you through things as well. But something happened that took your heart away. I pray it's only temporary and that the dreams we shared do come true someday. Maybe everything just became too real for you and you got scared. Whatever it is holding you from becoming fully happy I hope you get passed so we can move on together.
I tell you this, Love. I love you for those months we spent together talking about anything and everything. Listening to music together. Feeling as if we were in the same room together even though we are too many miles apart. I felt you were just away on business. I still feel that way.

I think some of the negative people got to me saying let him go, he's not worth it. They don't know how worth it you really are. They don't know because they were there listening to us. They don't know the obstacles we climbed over just to love each other.
We would snuggle in together telling each other sweet dreams and I love you as we fell asleep. We would wake up texting each other our I love yous. Those months we had together felt like years for me. Thank you for making me feel complete my Love. I hope I am still your Babe. You are the only one I ever let me call me that. You know it. Just like you letting me get away with calling you by your name. I'm not done loving you. Take your time Love. But in the end get your butt home to me.
I want to dance under the moonlit skies above us to the music in our hearts. I want to kiss the man who owns my heart, goodnight. I want to watch you play with our son just as in our dreams. I want to lay on the couch watching the Golden Girls. We made a pact. I promised you forever. You agreed to onions and coconut, my Love.
Let's get on with our romance novel only we can write...

TO GIVE UP ON SOMEONE...

2013-12-07T21:49:00.001-08:00

I FINALLY HIT THAT SPOT WHERE THE LIES TO MY FACE AND HIS CONSTANT TRYING TO MAKE ME BELIEVE HE ISNT LYING ISNT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME ANYMORE. I AM MAD HE CARED MORE FOR GETTING HIMSELF MORE CHICKS TO LISTEN TO HIS LIES. I AM MAD I HAVENT BEEN STRONG ENOUGH TO GET RID OF HIM. HE IS ONLY HERE BECAUSE HE HASNT FOUND SOMEONE ELSE TO "GO VISIT" AND CLAIM IT IS HIS COUSIN OR UNCLE. HE IS SITTING THERE LYING TO PEOPLE HOW HE IS A BIKER AND HE WORKS. I KNOW IT IS ONLY INTERNET, BUT DAMN THERE IS A THING CALLED KARMA THAT RUNS AROUND AND YOU THROWING OUT THE LIES IS GOING TO GET SOMEONE HURT. IGNORES ME, BUT IF I SAY SOMETHING HE LIES AND SAYS HE WANTS SOMETHING TO DO WITH ME, YET HE PUTS ABSOLUTELY NO EFFORT INTO SHOWING IT OR PROVING IT. HE BROKE DOWN MY SELF ESTEEM SO BAD I COULDNT FUNCTION TO GO GET A JOB. I WOULD GET GOING TO DO IT, WHEN THE TIME COMES HE WOULD START MAKING COMMENTS AND MAKING ME FEEL LIKE STEPPED IN SHIT. HOW CAN A MAN WHO ISNT ANYTHING HIMSELF HAVE SO MUCH CONTROL OVER SOMEONE HE WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH? I WISH I HAD THE STRENGTH TO GET THAT JOB, GET MONEY COMING IN AND TELL HIM GOODBYE.. I HAVE LOST SO MUCH BECAUSE OF HIM AND HE DOESNT EVEN CARE... UGH

pease to the loser from woburn who thinks hes all that....

2013-06-02T20:35:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna be hurt, I don't wanna hear you say how youll never hurt, I don't wanna cry no more, I want to know what its like to smile and feel joy from inside out im not asking for too much just what id offer you a simple time of love a time when we can be more than just friends I want u as my companion someone by my side holding my hand keeping me safe and making me smile....................

right now I am taking a break from adding people to my friends list for games.... I only play a few and 2 of them I have a bunch of friends for them, I appreciate them I mean you guys a lot, more than you will ever know,,, but right now I gotta figure out who I can delete because I don't want to be just a number to someone, who helps me during the games and who speaks to me... I want to make friends from you guys,

peace douche baggy lonely impotent man....haha

also if you are going to delete me please be kind enough to tell me inbox....ive noticed some people add me then delete me but im stuck with their names from the game we play that is the same so I have to go through and delete by blocking them.... believe me I like the ability to block people... one fool spoke bad about me blaming me then deleted me I saw his status still, almost like he waited for me to come on in order to delete me, but talking bs and deleting me just gets you blocked, don't tell me shitty dump line about picturing me being a drinker and stopped at a red light then you getting out and walking away, that is doesn't mean we are not friends blah blah blah, when you delete someone it means you are no longer friends...oh whipty do I wont miss you...I gotta better people in my life that wont make themselves look better than others just to satisfy their own egos....

a friend recently lost her mom...

2013-05-28T09:16:00.001-07:00

SHE ASKED DOES IT EVER GET ANY EASIER WHEN IT COMES TO LOSING YOUR MOM AND NOT BEING ABLED TO CELEBRATE THINGS LIKE HER BIRTHDAY AND CHRISTMAS WITH HER? THIS IS MY RESPONSE, I BEGAN TYPING IT, THEN REALIZED I NEEDED TO BLOG INSTEAD....

it depends on how close you were, my mother and I weren't exactly best of friends, after she died it took some getting use to not having to clean, feed or take of her after 2 years while she was dying, but I also didn't get time to mourn with my family they all faught me and had me in court right after she died trying to sue me for my house she lived in, maybe if I had time to mourn it may have had a different effect but the first year it killed me not to make her a cake, every once in awhile I want to call her or my sister or my dad and chat or get together and have lunch with all my grandparents, but I cant... I have family here on this earth who think I should be dead because I wasn't a drug addict like them, because I wouldn't let them bully me into giving them everything, I have a sister still on this earth who I want to talk to, but am afraid she will ruin me trying to mend fences with her, isn't that sad? I have nephews and nieces I cant even see because my family fucking sucks...

BECAUSE IM MISSING OUT ON MY FAMILY BECAUSE THEY ARE SO WRONG AND MEAN I CANT LOOK PASSED IT. I WANT SO BADLY TO BE ABLED TO CALL MY SISTER AND SAY HEY WHATCHA DOING? BUT I CANT. I CANT PUSH MYSELF TO MOVE PASSED ALL THE PAIN THEY PUT ME THROUGH. ALL THE LOSS I LOST BECAUSE OF THEM. ALL THE HIDING I HAD TO DO. I HAVE LIVED IN FEAR FOR YEARS BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID THEY WOULD KILL ME OR KIDNAP MY NIECE THAT I AM RAISING FOR MY DECEASED SISTER WHO WAS MURDERED BY HER BOYFRIEND WHO ALWAYS CHEATED ON HER AND BEAT HER. I WISH I COULD GO BACK AND PAY HIM TO LEAVE FOR GOOD BEFORE SHE DIED. JUST SO SHE COULD BE HERE IN THE PHYSICAL WORLD SEEING HER DAUGHTER GROW INTO A BEAUTIFUL LADY SHE HAS THUS FAR. AT TIMES I WISH I COULD LOOK PASSED IT, BUT THEN I KNOW I CANT. THE LAST TIME I HEARD ANYTHING ABOUT MY FAMILY WAS THROUGH MY OLDEST BROTHERS EXGIRLFRIEND THE MOTHER OF HIS SON. WHO SAID HE WAS A DIABETIC AND HADNT CHANGED YET. THAT MY BABY BROTHER AND 3RD IN LINE BROTHER WERE STILL LIVING TOGETHER IN A ONE BEDROOM APARTMENT WITH ONE OF THEIR GIRLFRIENDS. MY 2ND IN LINE BROTHER SHE DIDNT SAY TOO MUCH ABOUT HIM IF SHE DID I DONT REMEMBER. I REALLY DONT CARE EITHER. MY SISTER HAD BEEN WITH HER BOYFRIEND OMG CLOSE TO 20 YEARS WHEN HE KICKED HER OUT AND FOUND A YOUNG CHICK TO SHACK UP WITH AND MY SISTER WAS NOW A LESBIAN. HER BOYFRIEND HAD KICKED OUT THE KIDS TOO. MY OLDEST BROTHER AFTER CLOSE TO 18 YEARS OF FIGHTING IN COURT TO GET CUSTODY AWAY FROM HIS MOTHER FINALLY WON, BECAUSE MY NEPHEW WAS OLD ENOUGH TO MAKE HIS OWN CHOICE AND MY NEPHEW CHOSE MY BROTHER. WHY I WILL NEVER KNOW. THE WHOLE SITUATION IS SO MESSED UP. I JUST HOPE IN MY NEXT LIFE I AM NOT STUCK WITH A FAMILY LIKE THAT. MY DAD DIED WHEN I WAS YOUNG HE WAS MY HERO. SADLY MY CAT REMINDS ME OF THE LOVE MY DAD KNEW AND GAVE ME. I HAVE HAD MY CAT 10 YEARS. IF HE WAS TO LEAVE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW I PROBABLY WOULDNT BE ABLE TO THINK STRAIGHT. OR TALK. I WENT THROUGH ALOT LOSING A DOG, A CAT AND A MOUSE OVER A YEAR AGO, AND I AM STILL NOT HEALED FROM THAT. AND I AM ABOUT TO START A NEW JOB, OMG I AM SO FREAKED OUT ABOUT THAT. AFTER 2 AND A HALF YEARS I GOT A JOB OFFER, JUST WAITING ON THE DRUG TEST RESULTS. I AM SCARED TO START WORKING, IT IS ONLY FOR 6 MONTHS BUT I AM SCARED TO HELL I MIGHT MESS U OR I WONT BE ABLE TO GRASP THE JOB CORRECTLY. WHICH IS STUPID IT IS SOMETHING I HAVE KNOWN AND DONE SINCE I WAS 15 AT MY FIRST JOB. UGH ANYWAYS I SHOULD END HERE FOR NOW. I HAVE LETTERS I NEED TO WRITE AND CLEANING TO DO AND WHATNOT... TAKE CARE

I'M SAD FOR THE CHANGES

2013-04-19T17:53:00.002-07:00

SO IN A PERFECT WORLD MEN WOULDN'T HURT THE CHILDREN NOR A WOMAN. IN A PERFECT WORLD WOMEN WOULDN'T GOSSIP. IN A PERFECT WORLD THERE WOULD BE MORE "YES MA'AM, NO MA'AM, THANK YOU AND PLEASE" AND MAYBE A SPANKING OR TWO SO KIDS WOULD NOT ACT WRONG AND THINK IT IS OK. IN A PERFECT WORLD THERE WOULD BE NO DRUGS, NO GUNS FOR KILLING ANYTHING THAT AINT FOR SUPPER AND NO LIES. IN A PERFECT WORLD PEOPLE ...WOULD NOT TAKE GOD OUT OF SCHOOL, OFF OUR MONEY OR OUT OUR MOUTHS, THEN QUESTION "WHY DIDN'T GOD HELP ME?". IN A PREFECT WORLD WE WOULD NEED LESS AND APPRECIATE IT. PEOPLE WOULD HUG WHEN THEY GREET THEIR FRIENDS AND FAMILIES. MAYBE A LIPSTICK STAIN FROM AUNT TUTTIE ON THE CHEEK. NO ONE WOULD KNOW WHAT HATE WAS. THEN ONE BY ONE WE EACH LET SOMEONE ELSE TELL US WHAT TO BELIEVE, WHO TO BELIEVE AND WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO DO IT. AS ADULTS WE LEARN THAT SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE WE MADE MISTAKES IN RAISING OUR CHILDREN DIFFERENTLY AND WRONG BECAUSE SOCIETY CHANGED US TO WHAT THEY ALL BELIEVE THE GOVERNMENT WAS SAYING WAS RIGHT AND TRUE. THEN ONE BY ONE WE BEGIN TO HATE EACH OTHER BECAUSE THIS WEB WAS WEAVED AND NO ONE CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO CHANGE IT BACK TO WHEN THINGS RAN BETTER AND SMOOTHER. PEOPLE WERE NICER. AND WE WERE NOT HIDING PAIN. HOW COME IT TAKES SOMEONE WHO WAS HURT TO DO WHAT THESE GUYS DID TO BRING A NATION TOGETHER WHEN WE SHOULDN'T HAVE FALLEN APART?

I AM IN A FAKE RELATIONSHIP...UGH

2013-03-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

I DONT KNOW WHY I LET HIM INTO MY LIFE? NO I CANT SAY I WAS LONELY BECAUSE I WASNT. I GUESS IT WAS BECAUSE I FELT SORRY FOR HIM. BUT HOW DO I GO ON WITH A GUY WHO DOESNT EVEN KISS ME? I WISH I COULD JUST DO AWAY WITH HIM AND TELL HIM TO GET OUT AND GO BACK TO WHERE HE CAME FROM. FINANCIALLY I NEEDED HIM. BUT NOT ANYMORE. IM LEARNING STEP BY STEP I DONT NEED HIM. HOW DO GUYS GET AWAY WITH SAYING THEY WANT ALL THESE WONDERFUL THINGS WITH WOMEN AND THEN ONCE THEY GET THE WOMAN FIGURE THEY DONT NEED TO DO ANYTHING TO SHOW THEY EVEN LOVE THE WOMAN? WHY DO THEY SUCKER US INTO A RELATIONSHIP IF THEY REALLY DONT WANT US? THIS GUY DOESNT DO SHIT BESIDES SIT ON HIS ASS. AND COMPLAIN HOW MUCH PAIN HE IS IN. I DONT BELIEVE HIM. I LOST TRUST IN HIM SO LONG AGO. HE BLAMES ME FOR WHY HE DOESNT EVEN KISS ME. TOLD ME IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS ASLEEP. REALLY? I MEAN REALLY? WHAT ABOUT THE HOURS IM AWAKE ASKING FOR THOSE KISSES AND GET TOLD "IN A MINUTE"? THATS NOT GOOD ENOUGH? SADLY I LOOK AT THIS GUY WHO IS A WASTE OF SPACE AND I CALL PECKERHEAD SUCKER (ONLY IN MY HEAD) AND WONDER HOW THE CHICK HE JUST LEFT DEALT WITH HIS BULLSHIT LIKE THIS? MAYBE ITS A GOOD THING WE HAVE NEVER HAD SEX? ONLY GOD KNOWS HOW MANY STDS HES CARRYING. I DONT WANT THEM. HE PROBABLY ISNT EVEN GOOD IN BED AND ID STILL BE UPSET BUT ONLY ON THE FACT HE WAS A BAD AND I DIDNT GET ANY PLEASURE OUT OF IT?! LOL AND I THINK TO MYSELF SOON ENOUGH I WILL MEET THE GUY WHO WILL BE THE MAN FOR ME. BUT WHERE? I DONT WANT TO MEET SOME GUY ON CRAIGSLIST OR OFF THE INTERNET FOR CRYING OUTLOUD. NOT AGAIN. BEEN THERE DONE THAT. BUT HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO SHOW SOMEONE YOU CARE WITH A SIMPLE KISS? HUGS WORK TOO. BUT NOT EVEN A THANK YOU OR ANYTHING. UGH I NEED HELP. ARE THERE ANY GOOD GUYS OUT THERE ANYMORE? THE LAST GUY I LET INTO MY HOUSE LIED TO ME AND ABOUT ME SO MUCH THIS GUY LOOKED LIKE AN ANGEL. HAHA WELL GUESS WHAT? HES JUST LIKE THE LAST ONE. AND THE LAST ONE WAS ONLY A FRIEND I WAS HELPING OUT BECAUSE HE WASNT MAN ENOUGH TO KEEP A JOB AND PAY HIS BILLS. BUT GLAD HES GONE FOR GOOD THIS TIME. I WILL NEVER GO BACK TO THAT SHIT AGAIN. BUT SERIOUSLY ARE THERE ANY GOOD GUYS OUT THERE?

Am I normal for thinking this?

2013-02-18T20:42:00.001-08:00

In this past year I have dealt with alot of crap. I went from being confident to lost and wanting to commit suicide. But I know I couldn't get lost or commit suicide. I have a teenage child and 8 animals who count on my being here for them. I will go for my cigarette right now and when I come back I will tell you from the beginning and that started 2 years ago, maybe a bit longer. I will even tell you some random thoughts that have come to mind over the past few months... Believe me I am not as screwed up as some people I know are... I am just the tip of the iceberg...
Ok where do I even start this? I guess I can start with leaving my job of 3 years for another job that I basically got screwed at. I felt I was being lied to by my coworker and boss at my first job. Boss kept telling me how she was going to train me to do computer work and after a year and a half of hearing it and never getting anywhere plus she and my coworker lying to me about pety crap I felt like it was time for me to move on. So I found this other job and was happy there. Felt I belonged there. But after 3 weeks the manager there began telling me how I was doing things wrong, when I wasn't like opening meats in the deli when I wasn't and missing money when I wasn't. I couldn't for the life of me figure it out at the time I was being set up. For 2 weeks I walked on eggshells there. Thanksgiving 2010 I ended being fired for missing lottery tickets and money. A couple days later I got threatening calls from the manager telling me to pay up $300 plus or else she was going to the cops. The next day I got called to go into the police station and tell my side of the story. I went in and spoke with the cop in charge told my side of the story and how I had no clue who Barb was when I started there and wished I never worked with her, because if she did this to me how many other people were getting fired for the same thing? Well apparently Barb confessed to the whole thing and she got fired and banned from the store. I still had to go to court to clear my name and even there the judge asked how I knew her and I said only from working with her and now I wish I never had to do that. Because of all that I began not trusting anyone. I still had to fight for unemployment, had to get a lawyer and fight for it because they were denying my case because according to Occonnells I stole from them. I had proof it wasnt me and after fighting for months I finally got appproved. I Got approved in April 2011, got my first unemployment check in May 2011. Things seemed to be getting better. I was finally able to pay bills. And look for a job. I am still unemployed by the way. But then my boyfriend at the time wanted to cheat on me via internet, met some chick on there from Connecticutt took off lying to me about he was going to stay at his cousin Daves house for a bit, but I knew better. He was gone for a year, lying to me about where he was, first he was at his cousin Daves then somehow ended up in Framingham, MA at his uncles house. Sadly I know by living his lies before where he told chicks he was living with his uncle (ME) that that was also a lie. He lived for a year lying about it. Then he claimed he was back at his cousins house who mysteriously moved from Stafford Springs to Willimantic somehow one week he lived in Stafford Springs the next Willimantic. But he came home and has been here since. He says things that makes me wish I had a job so I can get rid of him. But anyways. While he was gone a friend (John) lost his house and I thought I was doing the right thing by offering to let him come stay here and get things back in order for himself. But that backfired on me big time. He racked up my bills and lied to me and about me. He moved in with someone I thought was a friend, without even telling me he was moving out. The whole time he lived with me he kept telling me how my friend was no good, but then goes behind my back and moves in with her. I dont know why it took me so long to let him go, I guess the crap he put me through while he was here, threatening me and making me not want to talk to anyone of my friends and made my child feel she didnt belong in her own house. He made me feel worthless. Bad enough I already had Nate lie and walk out on me. And Nates check were cut down real bad at the same time I lost my unemployment and my car needed $1200 in order to pass inspection. My bills went unpaid for so long I had no clue how I was ever going to get out from under it all. Everything in my life seemed to be hitting the all time lowest points it could. But I was going through it all to learn some things. And I did. I learned I really need to focus on myself and my child. Stop letting others go before me. I need to get a job. Do for myself. I need to let go of people certain people in my life. I bit by bit have begun to get things better. I got help to pay off some of my rent and electricity. I got Nates checks fixed so I can finally begin to pay bills. But then in January I screwed up and told social security I had no clue where he was, I didn't really, because his phone wasnt working and he wouldn't be honest with where he was and he wasnt communicating with me. I busted ass and paid what I could pay for bills at that point with what I had for money. Slowly things are getting better. But I got so bad over the past year I wanted to commit suicide, but I didn't. Things got so bad I filed for social security, but I have since decided I am better than that. I just need a job and to get out of this funk I am in. And get things better for me and my child. I will not sit on my ass and collect social security if I got approved I wouldve been waiting forever anyways for that. And my bills need paying now, by then I could have lost my house. It's not much of a house. But it is mine and I only pay rent for the land it sits on. I know I am going to get a job and I am going to get better. I will not be like my friends who sit around and collect checks because they are drug addicts and take the easy road. I know Nathan is sick but I need a job because he wont always be around and his checks dont cover everything. I need a job so I can find new friends and maybe find myself happy again. I used to be so happy until December 2009 when I got that lousy review from my boss and cheap ass raise. Seriously I opened that store at least 6 times a month, not including my regular days I worked mornings, I mean days she had a meeting or had to go to another location to work because someone quit or got fired. There were nights I had to close because someone needed nights off and or quit on us. I would work til closing after doing my regular hours. There were times I opened the store did my regular hours and got stuck working til closing then had to be back and 430 am again to do it all over again. I would do my regular work, my coworkers share of work and my bosses job too. I busted my ass. Yes there is one joke my boss put in my review that I thought was not neccessary, she kept telling me I didnt know how to take a joke because she called me a slacker. I am not and never will be a slacker. I felt disrespected. I got a raise of 17 cents that year. Slapp in the face is what I called it. The years before my raises were 50 cents and above never ever have I been hurt by a boss before. And my last boss before would call me Mrs. Fatty Pants! Right now I look back at things I have gone through and think damn I should have been smarter. But that is why we go through things we do. I am a firm believer in Karma. And I don't like being lied to or about. John was perfect for lying to people and about me. Tracy lies constantly and wonders why her life is so messed up. I have told her too many times to stop lying and fix her life, but she wont get it. Thank God Chelseas dad gave her a car now her mom has died, because now Chelsea is Tracys slave. I will not call her or text her. If she calls or texts me I can ignore it. I don't need her drama. I have enough in my own life. It seems like people get off on lying and wondering why their lives are so messed up. I may not go to church, but I know God does not sleep. So am I normal for thinking this way? I think Johns penis should burn off his body. His mouth be sewn shut and his heart be hung in front of him for all he put me through. I think Tracy deserves the crap she keeps getting simply because that is all she talks is crap. Cheryl always in pain and looking for drugs, maybe she deserves it, calling here asking if I have pain meds like vicoden(?). I dont do any drugs, at the most I take one Aleve maybe a month. I dont sit around looking for bad. Nate he is living his own Karma out right now. I am just waitin for that day he walks out again. Hopefully by then I am working and bringing in good money so I dont have to worry about it again. I tell you this he walks out I will not talk to him again. While he is here I will be human and be nice to him and feed him and bring him to his apointments and try to get him better. But for now my goal is finding a job and getting better.. Spring is coming, so is my job!!!