THE DILDO MONOLOGUES

AGE IS NEVER JUST A NUMBER

2011-02-07T00:17:00.001+08:00

The big day looms.

The idea of aging eats at me.

Sure the day will pass like any other day.

When you gleam into the mirror, your face appears like how it should look like any other day.

And then you remember.

Sigh

HEALING

2011-01-08T00:59:00.000+08:00

As sure as I am there is no endless love, I am equally sure that there is no eternal darkness either.

I have to just work at it.

It doesn’t really matter why.

The last few days.... I barely had enough strength to shower, put on my clothes and go to work. Working on auto, barely 2 threads away from breaking down, I get home and I just lie down and stare.....stare.... into nothingness.

Then I put down my thoughts here. Where else can I put them?

Facebook?

I will be happy again.

How can I not?

LIFE

2011-01-05T22:13:00.001+08:00

I am on the 5th day and I still can’t talk myself into thinking that things will be ok.

Am I slipping into a long bout of depression again? I have been there before. Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling, wasting away, absolutely clueless. Days turning into weeks, and then months.

I guess it’s just not fun being me anymore.

January

2011-01-04T22:15:00.002+08:00

I am writing again.

It’s January, what else can you do in January but wallow.

January is painful.

January is the month you remember.

I fear I will repeat what I shouldn’t and yet I see myself running away again.

I fear that who I am is not good enough.

I know, I am searching for guarantees when none exist.

I know, I am searching for painless love.

Yes, there could be something wrong with me but I hope it’s just January.

I hate Januaries.

WHAT I AM FEELING NOW

2010-06-30T15:25:00.000+08:00

We all want to be good.

We all want to be more than what we can be.

But above all, we dream of perfection whilst knowing how imperfect we will all end up. It’s like trying to climb the stairs with one leg and nothing to hold on to.

Frustrating.

I think that’s what eating at me.

CHANGE

2010-06-17T23:56:00.000+08:00

I have changed.

I have jumped into this deep rabbit hole and I haven’t hit bottom yet.

As I reflect whilst driving back from dinner with martin, it dawned on me that I actually hit a cross-road about a year and a half ago.

Things could have been different from what it is now.

I could have been happily attached, in love and living in ignorance.

But he said no.

And I moved on.

I am now a wild child. Maybe a tad too old to call oneself that, but it sure feels like it.

And if he comes back now and say “yes”, it would be too late.

I have changed.

WAITING

2010-05-02T22:17:00.002+08:00

The weekend was nice and peaceful.

Had lunch with a guy I used to date. He is still hot as in very very hot but I guess, hotness is not everything … and I am a big fat LIAR!

It’s strange that we were at the same location where I had brunch with another guy who had since passed on.

I hope he is looking down from heaven and smiling at me. Our encounter was brief but the impact wasn’t. It’s weird that we tend to learn lessons in life from people who has since expired as opposed to the living.

I tend to cling and I tend to wait. These days when that happens, I constantly remind myself to move along. Sometimes, the heart doesn’t listen but them’s the break, I guess.

As we were having lunch today, all I can think of is how I wished things could have worked out for us. I wanted to tell him that maybe we should give it another try.

But what’s the point.

The reasons why it couldn’t work out before are still apparent now.

He wouldn’t change and neither will I. We both need to live our lives as the persons that we are.

There is just no point clinging and waiting.

Maybe one day.

RUNAWAY

2010-04-10T14:44:00.002+08:00

Tomorrow I will be boarding my flight to Bangkok.

Despite the political unrest, gay men are plying the route to celebrate Songkran with Bangkokian. It’s like an annual pilgrimage.

And why not?

It’s one of the friendliest places in the world despite what you might have read in the papers.

But more importantly, for a few days you get to forget who you are and buy into the perfect gay life.

Shopping and sex.

SHALLOW

2010-04-04T11:40:00.000+08:00

I was chatting with someone today. Basically his job is killing him.

I feel for him. Not everyone gets to do the stuff they love.

Do I love my job? The answer is NO!

Over the years, I managed to work around it.

A good friend used to say, “Work is part time, having fun is full time!”

I live by that motto now.

The point is, I work very hard to finance my fun!

My boss thinks that I am the best thing since white bread. She can go on with the delusion. She doesn’t need to know anything else as long as I get the job done better than anyone else.

Some may think my existence is shallow. I don’t dispute that.

Hey, I am gay…….. what do you expect? I am not going to have white picket fences and 2.5 number of children running around the yard. All I have is myself and the things that makes me smile. And frankly speaking , a lot of those things can be purchased with money.

I know I need love too. I have love. I have people who loves me and I love them back. They keep me sane.

So I focus full time on the people and the things I love.

So next week I am going Bangkok for a week or so and for a couple of weeks in August I will be in Western Europe.

Yes, my life is shallow to a fault but I get to see what I want to see.

HOPE

2010-03-28T23:19:00.001+08:00

This morning I was on msn with a guy I used to have something with.

I don’t know what we had but it always ends with mind blowing sex.

In the beginning he hoped for something more...then he gave up waiting and hoping.

When he gave up ..... it was my turn to hope.

Life is so strange sometimes.

Anyway, on msn this morning, he told me found himself a bf.

I am ok with that.

I only wanted to hope……. and not the real thing. Hope keeps me going.

I guess I have to find another available yet unattainable man to hope for now.

Does that make sense?

CHANGING

2010-03-27T23:04:00.001+08:00

Am changing again… whether I want to or not.

Everything is changing again.

I just realized that I am also letting go of the part of me which was good and clean.

It’s time to rein in and stop the rot.

I just gotta.

HOT HOT DAYS AHEAD

2010-03-14T22:45:00.001+08:00

This morning as I was getting the papers, there was a strong breeze enveloping me in her soft cooling embrace. I tilted my head slightly, enjoying the moment, imagining my hair flowing under her soft caress.

I stood rooted for awhile without a care. My life totally soothe by her simple gesture.

I guess, that’s what we live for. For the days and times when moments like this will stay with us forever.

I am still uncertain about a lot of stuff. But I do know that I am here because I made choices. I mean, what is life if you can’t choose?

Hopefully all these pain and suffering will transcend us into a higher plane one day.

Meanwhile, I will be waiting for the next breeze to blow my way.

I NEED SOME SHADE

2010-03-06T22:00:00.001+08:00

To have a heat wave in these parts, things must be really bad.

It just pulls you down for some reason.

As I lay in bed this morning feeling morbid and totally incapacitated. A very good friend was beside me chirping along about the wonders of the world. It’s good to have him around even if he was going on and on and on…… I just didn’t want to be alone for some strange reason.

I wasn’t really paying attention but I managed to catch him telling me that, “I am so loved by so many and that I should just snap out of it”.

I know.

I am blessed.

Knowing all that somehow doesn’t make things better. I mean, humans are inherently selfish and greedy. We just can’t see pass the pain of today.

Yes we are selfish.

I got a sms from an ons from a distant past. I just didn’t bother to reply. All I remember of him was that he was selfish lover.

And tonight I want to be the selfish one.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY GORGEOUS

2010-02-25T00:19:00.001+08:00

Can’t believe I didn’t put any dramatic spin on my birthday.

It just went by.

I am blessed. I know that.

I mean, people grow old. What are you going to do about it?

I mean, seriously.

What are you going to do about it?

GONE GONE GONE

2010-02-22T22:40:00.001+08:00

It doesn’t matter why it ended. You will still feel sadness.

Nobody starts something without hoping for something more.

As I silently say goodbye in my heart, I console myself with the thought that maybe it’s for the best.

Indeed it is.

Single life is good to me. I have no complains, I guess.

As a bitch from the gym puts it, “Of course it’s good. You are getting fucked. Let’s see how good it is in a few years time?”

Oh well.

Maybe the bitch is right too.

I just want to be at peace with myself, with my imperfections and with his imperfections. If you can’t even have that, what else is there?

I just want to wake up and know that we are ok.

Is that too much?

GOOD BYE

2010-02-19T15:50:00.000+08:00

“Nobody likes me cos I am kinda weird and eccentric?"

Never got to know him well enough to deem him “weird” or “eccentric”. But he is definitely not ordinary.

I guess I am a little shock with his passing. He had so much dream and life.

I once teased him, “… such a big name for a little man”.

He just grinned and pointed to his heart and said it was huge enough to match THE NAME.

I guess he had big dreams too.

Honestly, despite your claims of being weird and eccentric, I did like you.

Rest in peace.

CONFUSED

2010-01-12T23:53:00.001+08:00

I will be in unchartered waters in 2010.

Kick-started a lot of things at work but the results are yet forthcoming. It’s scary mostly because I will be judged.

I guess I can handle the judging bit. I think if you make an effort to put in the extra 2 degree, people will come around eventually.

That’s how life is sometimes. You gotta take the first step and then take another step and another and another, with lots of hope in the heart. You got to have hope no matter what.

The other thing nagging at the back of my mind is the fire I am messing around with. Always been ethical when it comes to matters of the heart but this time I am not so sure.

I am just not sure!

Am I afraid of commitment?

Or maybe, I just don’t want commitment?

Which is it?

URGH

2010-01-03T21:12:00.001+08:00

Can’t believe it’s already the 3rd of Jan.

The truth is, tomorrow is really the start of the year for most people. Yeap, the first day of work. The day we all dread unless there is something not right about you?

I guess, you can weep all you want but tomorrow will happen, regardless.

Sigh.

LOOSE THOUGHTS

2010-01-02T14:17:00.001+08:00

New Year day was tiring…. Nursed a slight hangover.

Woke up to the second day with some renewed energy. Look out my balcony, the air was crisp and the skyline clear. Further away, I see some storm clouds.

That’s life.

You never know when the weather will change?

Not a few days ago, KS told me that he was celebrating NYE at a 5 star hotel. I can’t help but assume that it was some candle light thing with someone very special.

I went from very happy to very lonely.

I am happy for him if indeed he has someone special in his life, but I can’t help but wonder if I am destined to watch people walk into the sun-set holding hands from the sidelines.

I have 3 gay lives or at least 3 significant phases. Everything before that was just an embarrassing blur.

My first was my party years with Ramesh and Weileong.

My second phase was the kitten and puppy years with KS.

And the third is my now my retiring-from-the-scene years.

I guess I am just scared to retire and just die?

AN OLD KIND OF WONDERFUL

2010-01-01T11:08:00.001+08:00

The 1st day of the year started off like all previous years.

Quiet.

After the festivities the nite before, the rooms are now dead quiet.
It’s a Diana Krall moment, I guess.

Meeting James and Ramesh for lunch later. Strange that they are my oldest, er I mean gay friends with the longest history with me in KL and yet I have never had a New Year day lunch with them? Like ever?

I guess there is a first for everything.

I can’t say they register significantly in my live these days but I doubt I do to them either.

But it’s ok.

People are supposed to grow. It’s like, I love my family in Penang but as much as I miss them sometimes, I have grown beyond their loving arms.

And I do miss Ramesh and James…. at times.

I guess, that’s the bottom line.

Not forgetting.

And smiling, when you remember.

REMINDER TO SELF

2009-12-31T14:59:00.000+08:00

It has finally dawned on me that no matter how much I abhor 2009, I shall one day forget the grimness and greyness of the year that it was.

That I guess is being human. We learn to move on.

By hook or by crook.

It’s time to block out the past and try to remember why we are here. So why are we here?

Forget long term……. who has time for that. That’s for people who has too much time on their hands.

For now I think I will focus on short term stuff. It’s easier to achieve and it gives you the immediate rush that every gay man thrives on. That’s not very deep but you got to take baby steps sometimes and build from there.

A friend used to ask me which is better? To be a big fish in a small pond or a small fish in a big pond?

Such a simple yet big question.

Ten years ago, I would have probably gave a politically correct answer.

But now…… “Fuck the ambition, just be happy!”

Remind me please? Because I tend to forget.

2009

2009-12-27T23:00:00.002+08:00

2009 is one of those years that will leave me with more questions than answers.

I can’t say it’s a bad year. I will let time render its verdict on this one.

At this point I am just unsure.

I have a job that pays better. I can do the work but I wished I was just happier doing it?

I am starting to have notion of doing something else but at my age, what can I possibly do?

I have a cute guy that seemed interested but I wished that I was sure?

I have a nasty guy that seemed interested but I wished that I was sure enough to let go?

I want to be a better son but I am not sure if I can step up to the plate?

The only thing that I am sure of are the friends around me. That used to be enough but unfortunately gay men are not genetically programmed to be complacent. I am not trying to wiggle my way out by playing the blame game.

It’s my life. I lived it the way I chose to live. I just wished I knew why I have to go on a complicated rampage once in a while.

I always like the simple life.

So why?

OMG

2009-12-18T23:23:00.000+08:00

OMG he is bi-polar!

OMG OMG OMG

NOTHING

2009-12-18T00:37:00.000+08:00

A guy just called me cold and mean. Ok not in the exact words but I get the picture.

I am just tired.

I am tired of acting warm and sweet for pretense sake. I don’t want to pretend that I care so that you can sleep a little better tonight.
We can’t hide the truth forever.

If it ain’t going to work, what’s the point?

How can we be friends if you expect more?

You are looking for answers and justifications why it can’t work?

The answer is, I feel nothing.

FLOATING

2009-12-12T11:14:00.001+08:00

A wise friend of mine reminded me that “love” means different things to different individual, culture, race and whatever weird genetic make-up they come from.

So I have to keep a safe distance until I am sure.

I guess, “I love you” doesn’t really mean anything. It’s the action behind it.

And yet, we can’t help but be fascinated by the word “love”.

It’s the one word that means everything and yet no one really knows what it really means.

So I have to keep a safe distance until I am sure.

How far is safe?