Words and Music

Hello, You Beautiful Thing

2015-07-05T21:05:00.002-04:00

Looking out from a cul-de-sac watching the band
Of the Earth take the plaque of the night from the dirt
I can see from the depths of my readjusting eyes
A reflection of yes's and that ever-changing sky
But why do bad dreams linger long after I awake
I don't need no scenes of violence or pain replayed
And I feel quite foolish sometimes when I pray
But my thoughts are all I got so I try to make 'em brave
And I know, I know, it's gonna be a good day
Hello, hello, you beautiful thing
Hello, hello, you beautiful thing
Oh this is what I've been waiting for
(This is what I've been waiting for)

I can't believe it's been over 5 months since I last wrote a blog post.

It's been a good five months. For the first time, in a long time, I feel content. I don't wake up in the morning dreading the day. I don't hate Mondays and count down to Fridays. Though, I do love a nice weekend of free time. I've turned my back on negativity and refuse to let drama in. I just don't have the time for it anymore. I truly believe that if you do good things, think good things and say good things, you are rewarded.

I think back to January and how close I was to being homeless. I was absolutely down to the point where I didn't know what to do or where to go and I was scared. Rock bottom cry myself to sleep scared. I've always considered myself a tough cookie. I have been on my own since August 1987 and when the crap hits the fan, I always find a way to turn it around. Now... I'm not perfect. I've had a lot of time in the past year to reflect on the things I'm not proud of. The gossip I got sucked into. The relationships that weren't healthy. The victim mentality and jumping on bandwagons of those who were unhappy because I'd rather be unhappy with someone than happy alone. Then, it all changed. Someone took a chance on me at the last minute and opened up a world I never knew existed. I smile more. I laugh at least once a day. I feel safe and secure in my world now. I haven't taken any anti-anxiety medicine in over 4 months. I sleep better. I care about things again. I want everyone else to feel just as happy as I feel inside.

I am a writer. I love that. I love saying that I write for a living. It's all I ever wanted to do. A couple of years ago, I daydreamed about my perfect job. I wanted to be surrounded by creative and eager people who shared a vision and passion. People who didn't show up "to work" and "to go home" and complain all day about how much work there is. I wanted to feel an energy of "we're doing something together" every day. I wanted a contemporary office feel with updated computer equipment. I wanted to be involved in trends and things that are exciting. I wanted to be myself - to be perky and quirky. To be serious and thoughtful. I wanted to be independent but have a mentor nearby. I wanted to sit down, do my thing and not worry about people breathing down my neck. I wanted friends. I wanted to be able to take a full hour lunch if I wanted to, or eat at my desk if I wanted to. I wanted something that involved social media or blogging or marketing. I also wanted to make a difference and be rewarded and recognized for my talents. I wanted to make people smile and know that people didn't dread my opinions or thoughts or whatever random thought came out. I wanted respect.

It was all a dream. But, it came true and I am so grateful that it did. I get all mushy about the job and people think I'm a little crazy. I guess when you go searching for 30 years for that one place where you fit, it gets a little emotional.

I write full-time and I also have freelance stuff, too. My freelance work has quadrupled since February and I enjoy that, too. It's a few hours a week and it keeps my brain fresh. Sometimes, I amazed by what I can write about. I've had friends say that they wish they had my ability to just take a topic and make it my own. I thank whomever blessed me with it.

So, I've been thinking about my next great accomplishment. That accomplishment is to finally make the outside of me match the inside of me.

I've let myself go over the years. I can give you a gazillion and one reasons and excuses but the number one reason was that unhappiness lived inside of me like a cancer. It clouded my decisions. It sabotaged every attempt I made to break free. I've had some restarts and set backs.

I am tired of not having that part of me match everything else that I am feeling inside now.

Last weekend, I had this feeling that it was "time". I suddenly felt excited about losing weight and getting healthy. It's been a long time since I felt that fire. I ordered a new scale, some portion control containers and some protein shake samples. My biggest problem is portion control. I did Weight Watchers and was very successful while I followed the plan. Over the years, though, I've lost interest in weighing and measuring things and counting calories and points. My attention span just can't handle that anymore. So, I was watching an infomercial for this thing called the 21 Day Fix and it comes with these color coded portioned containers and all you have to do is eat X number of each container each day. If it fits, you eat it. I was like, "Where have you been all of my life?" I can do that.

Over the course of the past week, I've been transitioning myself into this new eating mindset. I knew I couldn't go from eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to perfectly portioned healthy high-protein meals.   I have been incorporating more water into my meals. I've been thinking about what I'm eating. I have been slowly removing the trigger foods from my diet. I've been reaching out to people to give me support and help me stay on track.

The scale, shakes and containers come tomorrow. I'm ready. I'm excited.

Now that I have the work thing making me happy, it's time for the health and wellness thing to get its crap together. :) Positive yields positive.

Let's see what my blog and I look like 5 months from now!

Words of Wisdom

2015-02-03T09:00:00.000-05:00

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Now that this adventure called unemployment has ended, I want to pull together some thoughts on this journey to possibly help others who find themselves in the same situation some day.

"Motivated Employee" - If you see an ad for a job that states that they are looking for a self-starter, a motivated employee, or someone with entrepreneurial spirit, it is a sales job. A commission based, no salary, work from home, kill yourself for leads sales job. Almost from day one, I was bombarded with requests for interviews from several insurance companies and financial services companies inviting me to meet with "regional directors" who had "administrator" jobs for me. I nibbled at the apple for one company and then politely rejected the rest. I'm sure that kind of work is good for some but not for me.

"Too Good to Be True" - If the job sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Late in the game, I discovered that several of the job boards I was using (ziprecruiters is one) were actually lead generators and not real jobs. I'd go to the site, read a description for a job that sounded almost like something from my resume and click the "Apply Now" button and provide my basic information and attach a resume. It would say "Company Confidential". Within minutes of hitting send, my text, email and phone were flooded with all sorts of offers for things, but not one job offer or interview. Sadly, most of these job boards have Terms of Service that state they can and will sell your information unless you opt out, but by using their site, you are waiving your right to opt out.

I also got hit with a lot of "work at home" scams that were pyramid schemes or required me to purchase memberships to services and/or pay a processing fee. There were several that wanted me to establish a bank account to process payments or use my home address to receive packages on behalf of a third party. Major Fraud Alert. Don't do it. There was a story on the news here recently about a woman who answered one of those ads to "stuff envelopes" and she was arrested for mail fraud because she was using the USPS to launder money for some foreign company that was defrauding its customers, but her name and address was on the shipping label, so she's the one now left holding the bag.

Careerbuilder provided information to me for reporting scams. If you find yourself victim or possible victim, you should let someone in the internet crimes division know. Email spam@uce.gov or file a complaint at http://www.ic3.gov

Create your own lead list - As soon as I got laid off, I came home and made a long list of all of the companies in this area that I could think of right off of the top of my head. Hospitals, banks, mortgage companies, schools, temp agencies, retail, call centers, collections agencies, delivery services, courier services, law offices, credit unions, non-profit organizations, media, etc

Then, I googled the chambers of commerce for VB and nearby cities, looking for a list of the partners or members to give me leads to smaller companies and businesses I may not know exist.

Drive around and look for the names of businesses near your home.

Go onto the top job boards and read through the ads, writing down company names as you go, whether you are qualified for the job they list or not. That company may have other jobs later that you will be qualified for.

LinkedIn - I reached out to all of my connections on LinkedIn with a very basic message asking them to keep me in mind if they heard of jobs. I also reached out to some of the connections and asked for references and/or recommendations. A lot of companies ask for your LinkedIn profile. Look at your profile from an outsider's perspective. Is your photo professional? Is your job history complete? Do you have a nice solid number of connections over a variety of professions and your career?

Resumes - One resume, even if it is written well, is not enough. I created one resume for administrative type jobs, highlighting those types of jobs in my resume with specific keywords that drew attention to that type of skill. I created one for mortgage servicing, one for education/training, and one general "professional" resume for blind applying to companies for no specific job. I had multiple cover letters, too. Late in the game, when I started to notice that a lot of the big players were rejecting me almost as soon as I hit submit, I realized that a lot of places use software that scans attached resumes for keywords specific to the job. So, to try to get around this, I started to insert the job description for the job I was applying for on a page within my resume. I "inserted" a page and pasted the job description straight from their websites with the header "Application For". I had decided that if they asked why I did that, I was going to say so that I had it for interviewing purposes in case it was taken off of the website. I got fewer rejection notices immediately after hitting send once I started to do that. I figured that if they were using a scanning program, then their own words would get flagged and I'd at least get into the review stage.

Social Media - I tried to curtail the amount of negative posts and anything that could be construed as negative, immature, unprofessional, etc on my social media accounts. My wall is private but that doesn't mean that it is 100% private. Let's say you and I are friends. I apply for a job for a company and you happen to have friends who work at that company. I go to your wall and post all kinds of crazy shit or tag you in photos. That can be seen by these other people who can go back and say, "Man, what a downer that chick is! Oh, and she LOOOOOVES her selfies." I try to take the approach that if the President of a company I want to work at looked at my wall, what would he/she see and would it embarrass me? I have my settings such that only certain people can see all of my wall and I do frequent "clean ups" where I look at my profile from a third party perspective and delete comments and posts. I'm also not shy about deleting comments other people make and removing tagged items. My wall. My rules.

Coupons and Budget - Money becomes a cherished commodity when you don't have a job. I made sure that I had a budget of what I could spend each week if I wanted to. I made sure to look for coupons and deals and stick to that budget as much as possible. Gift cards were worth their weight in gold. A few friends gave me Visa gift cards and Target gift cards for my birthday and I was able to use them to buy groceries and household items.

Dollar Tree - I became a fan of dollar store shopping. Bread, frozen veggies, milk, eggs, cheese, toilet paper, paper towels, kleenex, pain medicine, vitamins, dish liquid, fabric softener, batteries, cream cheese, bagels, cat treats, and Qtips are just some of the things I bought there. Why go pay top dollar for brand names when the generic version works just as well. You can get pretty creative using dollar tree groceries. They sell name brand canned foods and dry goods, too.

Routine - Try to keep to a routine as much as possible. When I first got laid off, I got up early every day, went to bed pretty close to my "normal" time and tried to keep moving forward just like I still had a job each day. Then, as time went on, I slipped. I started sleeping in later and staying up later. I'd take naps. I'd sit and play games or surf the internet for hours before bedtime. I stopped eating at regular times. It totally messed up my body.

Journal - Even if you are not a journal/writer type, keep one just to have a record of what you've done. My journal contains bank balances, places I went, jobs I applied for, people I talked to, connections attempted, social activities, moods, dreams, goals, to-dos, dreams, wishes, medical issues, appointments, etc It is a day by day account of every bit of minutia from the past 4 months.

Self Care - Don't neglect yourself and your needs. I made appointments at the dentist, eye doctor and family doctor to help keep myself in check. I got a pedicure for my birthday and again for Christmas. I got a haircut and eyebrow wax for the new year. I took my medications and vitamins and tried to drink as much water as I can and not slip into bad eating habits. I actually ate more fresh fruit and veggies while I was unemployed than I had for the three months leading up to my unemployment. I saved loose change and kept to my budget to make it possible to do these things. Other than the sleep thing and the random bouts of depression/dark stuff, I worked hard to not totally sabotage myself. I wish I had gotten more exercise, though. I just don't like it on a good day and eventhough I had plenty of time to do it, it just wasn't a priority to me.

Side jobs and part time work - I was applying for just about everything so it really annoyed me when people would say, "Well, there's always Walmart!" No. I applied. They never called. However, if you become unemployed, take a moment to read everything on their website about jobs. In my mind, I thought I could supplement my unemployment with a part time job or side job. No. It doesn't work that way. I'm glad I figured it out before it was too late. If you make more than your weekly benefit, you don't get your weekly benefit, so it becomes a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. I was receiving $300 a week. That is roughly the equivalent of working 40 hours at minimum wage. So, if I took on any kind of job and my gross income for the week was over $300, I didn't get a benefit payment that week. If it was less than $300, they subtract that amount PLUS $50 from your benefit, so you actually end up hurting yourself if you do any sort of part time work. Even if it is one hour of work, you have to report it because they do audits where they check the IRS database for reported hours and new employees and compare it to their own database. If you take a full time job making less than what you were making before on a temporary or contract basis and it doesn't work out and you try to resume your unemployment benefits, IF they resume, it will be based on what you made at the contract/temp job and NOT at what you were making before, so now you may receive even fewer dollars per week. It's a very touchy balancing act. You want to work but you need steady money, too.

Keep busy - Volunteer, hobbies, etc The more time I spent with myself, the harder it was to motivate myself to leave the house. I tried to make myself leave for a few minutes each day, even if it was just to take out the trash or check the mail.

Keep hope alive - I can attest to how hard it is to keep motivated when you don't have something to get up for. Every day, though, I did take the time to thank my lucky stars for the good friends I did have, the food I had, for Abby, for being alive. I didn't purposely set out each day to have a bad day, to piss off someone, to test the boundaries of friendships and to cry myself to sleep. I started each day with a thank you and a prayer for a good day. I had my to-do lists and goals and worked like the engine that could to make strides towards a better future. Not every day was a good day, but not every day was a bad day either. Find the things that bring you joy and make sure you surround yourself with them.

For me, it was listening to music and watching television. I had to stay away from the social media sites for long periods of time because the newsfeeds were just so negative. I became super aware of just how many bad things people post on a regular basis. Critical things. I'm sure most people don't even realize they are doing it. I became aware that I did it, too, and I stopped. If I couldn't say something funny or positive or "neutral" in a comment, then I didn't comment. Far too many people are quick to point out the negatives or the "what ifs". I already had my own head doing that to me at night, I didn't need it on my Facebook wall, too. We've become a cynical, critical, negative nation and I don't want that poison in my blood. I don't. You shouldn't either. When you post something, pause and ask yourself, "Is there something else, something positive I can say?" If not, save it. Everyone has an asshole and an opinion. I don't want to see your asshole, so maybe I don't want to read your opinion either, especially if it's critical or negative. Sarcasm may be funny but it is rooted in negativity. I don't want to be that person anymore. I want people to leave me feeling like I built them up, not tore them down.

Now, the biggest thing I've learned - rely on yourself. No one is going to give you a job, pay your bills, hold your hand when you are sad, and give you the guest room in their house. No matter how much you want it to be that way, it's just not going to happen. I've been pretty self sufficient my whole life because I don't trust anyone to really be there for me. I can count on all of my fingers and toes the number of times someone has let me down, disappointed me, chosen something or someone else over me, cancelled plans, and/or put me in the corner. Nobody puts Bevy in the corner and I've just come to accept that I have to take care of me. I can't wait around on someone else. All of the best intentions, promises and prayers have the capability of just falling apart. So, I rely on me. I am going to make my life better. Oh, it's gravy if the good things come too - like people who send cash and gift cards and who offer to move you into a friend's garage. But, you may not get the gravy. Be ready for it. Have an exit strategy of some sort, especially if you were like me and had no safety net. It may sound pessimistic and contradictory to the comments I've made above. I consider it a realist's advice. Things go to crap sometimes. You have to be ready for it. Then, you can go back to being suzy sunshine.

I got what I wanted
Now I don't want anything
Yeah, I got what I wanted
Now my life is just boring 'til

Everything falls apart
Then I get to try to
Put it back together

Everything falls apart
And you can count on
That, you can count on bad
Bad weather this year

Starting Over

2015-02-02T12:00:00.000-05:00

Everyday we used to make it love,
Why can't we be making love nice and easy,
It's time to spread our wing's and fly,
Don't let another day go by my love,
It'll be just like starting over - starting over

I had a mini breakdown on 12/31/15 when I got news that work for my freelance gig was going to be practically nonexistent for awhile and while it wasn't much work or money, it gave me something to do, something to plan for. With that being taken away, I felt like it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I cried, drank a little and spent all of the 1st in bed watching television and refusing to accept reality. I was done. I decided I was just going to sit back and let whatever happens happen.

That lasted one day. With the start of the new year, I decided I was going to start over from the top and re-apply to every single job and company I had already contacted.

I decided that this time, I was going to copy and paste any job descriptions at the end of my resumes for the jobs so that if they were using keyword searching software on resumes, then mine would at least get picked even if I didn't have the qualifications.

Leaving the area was no longer a possibility because I had used the relocation money for January's bills.

I became more aggressive with my follow up. I called companies trying to bypass the receptionists and get to actual people in Human Resources. I would call at night and leave messages on voice mails. I would find fax numbers and fax my resume in addition to applying online and/or emailing.

Fierce. Desperate. The two words become almost equal in worth.

Rejection letters were fast and furious. Some would come back within an hour or two of applying which made me a bit suspicious. I also discovered that several of the job boards I had been using were just covers for lead generating websites. I'd apply for a job for some company and then I'd get calls, texts and emails for special offers, penis enlargement, mail order brides, vitamins, pay day loans, credit cards, etc etc etc. All very frustrating.

Then, on 1/8/15, I had a phone interview for an entry level job at a mortgage company. The interview lasted nearly 30 minutes and I got a really good vibe from the recruiter. At the end of the call, she told me that she wished she had something for me, but the only job they had was entry level and I was overqualified for it. I told her that I wasn't opposed to coming in entry level and working my way up the food chain.

Then, one week later, I had another interview with the recruiter from the mortgage company. The questions were more of the same, but a little deeper. The interview lasted about an hour. Then, at the end, she said the same as before - that she really wished they had something for me.

I also had a couple of other interviews that day - one for a scammy sales MLM job and one with a temp agency.

The next day, the mortgage company asked me to provide a list of professional references. "No promises," the recruiter said. "We just want to have your file ready in case." They checked my references two days later. My wonderful friends all wrote rave reviews of me and I tell you, it really made me feel loved. It was almost like the end of It's A Wonderful Life when everyone rallies around George to help him save his bank and life. I was so deeply touched by the kind words. I wanted to be hopeful -- a company doesn't go to that much effort if they plan on not offering you a job, right?

But, two summers ago, I went through 5 grueling interviews over the course of two months, even meeting with the president of the company AND taking a writing/editing test only to be told two months later that there hadn't been a job and they kept hoping one would come up while they were interviewing me. So, with that in my head and heart, I didn't want to get too hopeful. Yet, I did want to get hopeful.

Then, last Friday (the 23rd), the recruiter asked for writing samples. I provided a nice assortment of samples and crossed my fingers.

Then, on the following Monday, I got invited to interview at 2:30 on Wednesday.

The interview lasted 1 1/2 hours and it was with two department heads. I felt absolutely energized leaving that interview and at the end, they jokingly said, "This is where we go upstairs and fight over you" and I wanted to be hopeful, but my sensible side kept that emotion in check. My friend Shelley kept saying, "oooooooh, they want you...." and I'd say no. This could be a repeat of the summer of 2013.

However, the next day, my wishes and prayers came true and the recruiter called me with a job offer and depending on when you read this, I may have already completed my first full day.

I cannot even begin to put into words the happiness and excitement I felt hearing that they had a job for me. A job I want to do in a field I feel comfortable. No training. No sales. No toting laptops from building to building. They have a "no drama" philosophy and I had an overall positive feel for the company. I have a feeling they treat their hard workers well.

I am eager for this next chapter and wish it could have all happened sooner.

The past 4 months were horrible. I don't wish this on anyone. The loneliness. The fear. The anxiety. The depression. The self doubt. Disappointment. Frustration. Anger. Desolation. Desperation. My life has been an emotional roller coaster and every day, I prayed for a miracle of some sort. Every day, I wished I could make people see things through my eyes and feel what I was feeling so that they could see what I was feeling and how I was feeling.

Some of my relationships are stronger because of the support I received and some of my relationships are weaker because of missed opportunities, selfishness, etc. I've pushed envelopes and tested boundaries. Some people understood. Some people did not.

It is all behind me now. I refuse to let any more negativity and criticism into my life.

I put on Facebook a couple of weeks ago that the people who could not handle me during this dark time and expected me to be happy every minute of every day (I'm not a Disney movie) and gave up on me when I didn't jump to their commands are not going to be invited along on my new journey now that I'm turning things around.

The biggest lesson I've learned is that times of hardship reveal what and who are important to a person. I've also learned to value those people who are worth their weight in gold and just let go of those who are not.

The third thing that I do now when my world caves in,
is I pause, I take a breath, and bow and I let that chapter end.
I design my future bright not by where my life has been.
And I try, try, try, try, try again.
Yes I try, try, try, try, try again.
Things are looking up
I know beyond the dark the sun is rising
Things are looking up
And I know above the clouds the sun is shining
Things are looking
Love is still the answer I'm relying
On
- 3 Things, Jason Mraz

Karma

2015-02-01T12:00:00.000-05:00

Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon
You come and go
You come and go
Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream
Red, gold and green
Red, gold and green

December is the month I became overly aware of how little I visibly do to earn karma points. Not that I think I've been blazing a trail of bad juju and collecting bad karma points because I'd like to think in a world of fakes, I'm real; in a world of liars, I tell the truth; in a world of takers, I'm a giver, etc.

However, coming off of my "why me?" maelstrom that was November, I decided I needed to be more caring towards things that are important to me. Needed to shift some positive energy and send out some to get some back.

I found myself reading all of the community posts on craigslist at night and aching because there were so many people who needed toys for their kids, food for their families, jobs, cars, clothing. Most were written badly and part of me suspected that a good many of them were probably people who didn't need the money at all and just milking a sympathetic society. However, I'd read these posts and think, "How can I help?" I wanted to feel good about myself. I wanted to know that even during my darkest times, I could still help people. My friend Mandy has told me on more than one occasion that she is so worried that the whole experience of being constantly disappointed and hurt by people during my unemployment would cause me to become cold and less caring.

So, I took the $20 I had set aside for groceries the first week of December and bought a Christmas gift for some woman who said she was a disabled vet and needed something for her 3 year old grandson. I figured I could make someone happy. She wanted cash or gift cards. She may have scammed me. I don't know. But, I sent her an Amazon gift card for $20 and told her to get her grandson a toy. Another person posted that they needed food for their cats and were on a limited budget. I went through Abby's "I don't like that anymore" food stash and filled a paper shopping bag with treats and food. I met the person in the PetSmart parking lot. She said thank you and took the food. I hope she wasn't scamming me, but what could she do with a bag of opened yet still fresh cat food?

Then, I discovered a charity called For The Love of Alex. They help people who cannot afford pet vet costs and who have been denied credit for the care of their pets.   If you've been reading my blog from the very beginning, you know that I suffered through having a cat get sick and have to be hospitalized. I remember the day I took her in because she was gasping for air and hadn't eaten for three days and they told me it would be over $1500 to hospitalize her, put her on fluids and medication and do an examination. I didn't have that kind of money. I applied for care credit and got denied. I was sitting there in the Vet ER with Molly in a crate trying to think of how to come up with the money to do this. I had $1530 in my savings account and I made the decision to transfer the funds and wipe out my savings and hand her over to the vet. I just couldn't believe that a vet wouldn't see a dying pet without payment up front. While I was there with Molly, a man came in carrying this big gray dog who had blood coming out its mouth and the receptionist would not let him go to the exam room with the dog until he paid. If I had the fortitude to deal with all sorts of animals, I'd go back to school to be a vet and be one who would allow payment plans and options.

I digress. This charity tugged at my heart strings and I became emotionally attached to the stories. So many fur babies needing help. I donated $2.00 - $3.00 whenever I could and promoted the site on my FB wall to generate interest. I even reached out to the charity admin to offer up my services as a writer or social media helper because I knew it had to be time consuming to deal with all of the comments and questions. She and I talked about how there were over a thousand people who posted "Praying" on one animal's post but she only received $150 in donations, total, over a three day period. I made the comment about how if each person just gave $1 every time they posted that they were praying, they could make a difference. I shared my own story with her, about being unemployed and getting that kind of stuff, too. Not that I expected every friend or acquaintance to give a dollar, but if money is the root of a problem, then it would just naturally occur to me to offer money AND emotional support. She (the admin) asked if she could feature Molly and Abby on her site for the holidays and share my story. I said yes. She asked if I'd be offended if she sent Abby a Christmas gift. I said no. She said it wouldn't come until after the new year, but she'd send something to help me out. A total stranger who didn't even know me wanted to help Abby. I was so touched.

I helped promote other people's crowd funding sites, donating as much as I could, when I could.

While trying to get my spiritual and karma energy back on track, I was still pressing forward with the job search.

I had to attend a mandatory meeting at the unemployment office the first week of December. It was a rehiring workshop to give us tips on how to get back to work faster. The basic message was "don't be picky" and the average age of the participants was 45ish. The one huge thing I got out of the workshop is that I was doing all of the right things to get a job. I just had a lot of competition.

I reached out to the finance company the second week of December and the recruiter responded that they were "still" trying to find the right fit, which was my way of knowing I wasn't going to be getting a job offer.

I came up with this brain child that I was going to reach out to all of the advertising, communications and marketing companies in town and offer my services for free as a way to get experience and get my foot in the door. I only heard back from two and they informed me that they only use college interns.

Every time a door would shut in my face, I'd go around to the back of the house and try to find a window to crawl through.

I tinkered with going back to school and got stalked by a college in Colorado. The only reason why I was considering it was because someone at the unemployment workshop mentioned that you could get student loans to help cover room and board while you go back to school and in my mind, I thought I could enroll in some kind of master's program, get the maximum student loan, pay rent for a month or two and take just the minimum number of credits to keep myself in active student status. Yeah, not the best idea I ever had. The college cost was going to be $36k for an 18 month program and the "most" I could get out of the student loan was going to be $1200 a semester and you didn't even see that money until 6-8 weeks into the program. I politely told the admissions person I wasn't interested and that finding a job was a bit more important and she was persistent. I still get calls and emails from her eventhough I've given her a hard no, I'm not interested.

I broke down around Christmas and asked my mom if there was any way at all that she could find a room for me there or a place for me. As I think I've mentioned before, they are hoarders ten times the extreme of what you see on those television shows. Her response was that there was just no place for me and it would take a lot of work to clean out a room. I was willing to live with dog feces and cat urine and mold and whatever other gross things live in their house to avoid homelessness and got shot down. I did get some pity cash for Christmas, though. Enough to buy some groceries and put towards January's bills.

I also tried to convey the message to several people that when I said I was going to be homeless soon, I wasn't joking or being overly dramatic. My friend Mandy stepped up and volunteered a neighbor's garage apartment and said she'd come get me if I got to that point. I told her that the end of January was that point, that if I didn't have a job by then and some sort of paycheck in February, then I was done. It was homelessness or suicide because I didn't think I'd survive homelessness. A few others stepped up with the offer of a home, too, when they realized I wasn't joking about this situation.

I got to have dinner with my friend Edmon before Christmas. That was nice. It was so nice to have human interaction. Other than leaving the house to run errands, look for work, etc I hadn't had any face to face contact with a friend since the week of my birthday in October.

My microwave died in December and my friend Shelley helped finance a new microwave.

I had just one real interview in the month of December for a sales position at a lawn care company. The hours and pay were dismal and the guy who interviewed me sniffed me as I was leaving and told me I smelled nice. He interviewed me wearing a brown turtleneck and gray sweatpants and creeped me out. They didn't offer me a job and I didn't really think they would because I told them I didn't feel safe going into parts of Hampton Roads alone to do door to door sales.

Abby and I had a low key Christmas and my wish to Santa was for the new year to bring me some new opportunities and things to look forward to. We felt badly that we couldn't shower everyone with gifts like usual but we did the best we could with what we had.

Facing Backwards

2015-01-31T21:07:00.002-05:00

I can't walk through life facing backwards
I have tried
I tried more than once to just make sure
And I was denied the future I'd been searching for

from Living in the Moment, Jason Mraz

I use my past to help me understand my present and plan for the future, but I don't like to be someone who is constantly hashing over regrets from my past. I like to look forward and let my past be past.

Lessons learned. I move on.

This writing about the past is therapeutic and I hope that somewhere in all of this navel gazing and personal reflection, someone who reads these other than myself will find something that they can relate to, something that makes them not feel alone and maybe even something that makes them feel better about their own journey. For me, this is a way to have a record of what I've gone through so that when I'm old and withered, I can read these posts and laugh about how many experiences I've gone through and how I'm still alive.

A recent interviewer asked me to give one adjective to describe my life so far and I said "resilient" because no matter what gets tossed at me, no matter how low I go, I claw my way back out and keep moving forward. Even when I'm researching how many sleeping pills a person of my weight would have to take to effectively end life and not just cause brain damage for someone else to have to take care of.. even then... I'm thinking of the other things I could possibly do before I got to that point.

As October came to an end, I had nearly a month of unemployment under my belt and I'll be honest, it all felt like just taking an extended leave from work. I hadn't been happy there and the atmosphere was toxic most days. I would get sucked into the drama and negativity. I kept saying to myself that if I could have some time off, I could get my head back together and shake off the negative stuff attached to me. My company did me a favor of sorts by letting me go. It was not the best timing as I had no preparations made for it, but it did give me time to get my stuff together.

The interview mentioned in the previous blog about my unemployment had gone well and the HR person said that the next step was a meeting with the department heads that the position would be working for. She said I'd hear "something" by Wednesday of the following week. I was so sure I had gotten the job that I was looking at apartments in Hampton where the job was located. I didn't want to have to deal with the commute each day and my apartment complex's management company had properties in Hampton. I figured I could just transfer my lease and then beg able and willing friends to help me move.

Wednesday came and went and the glow started to wear off. I sent follow up emails which yielded no responses.

Then, one day, about two weeks after the interview, I noticed that another job had been posted by the company that had interviewed me and it had a different name, but all of the same job functions. I sent another email to the HR person asking if I could be considered for that one, too. I decided to play dumb and think of it as a second position. I finally got a response from the company that they had chosen another person over me. To console me, the HR person told me I was the second choice. It didn't help. Second place is just first loser in my book.

I hadn't stopped my daily routine while I was waiting. I was still getting up every day and plugging along. Applying for jobs and networking. Like the Energizer bunny, I kept going and going.

Around mid-November, my panic attacks and insomnia started to show up more frequently. I would lie in bed at night and just cry for hours because I was so scared. By mid November, most of the people who had been reaching out to me in October and sending me messages of support and such had disappeared into the woodwork. I had (and still have) a few dedicated souls who were perfect throughout this entire thing. They knew me well enough to know when to offer advice, when to ask how things are going, when to try to make me laugh, when to distract me, etc. I am so appreciative of those people who had my back and had faith in me when I didn't have faith in me. They knew that I didn't need links emailed to me about jobs. They knew I didn't need scripture or bible passages quoted to me. They knew I didn't need judgment and incredulous "They laid you off? Really?" type messages. I felt beat up explaining myself over and over. I needed people to just check on ME, talk to ME, give me something I could use... a couch to sleep on if I couldn't afford rent, the name of someone at a company who would take my resume directly, gift cards for fuel and food, coupons, etc. I would get preachy "you should be more positive" messages from people who obviously meant well but you can't just tell a person who is feeling like crap to smile and everything will be okay. Every night, I would look at my bank balance and mentally calculate how many days and how many dollars until I was homeless. It was frustrating and even worse, I wasn't allowed to be myself and tell these people to bugger off because they weren't helping. "What do you need? How can I help?" Those were what I needed to hear. I felt like most of the people in my life had decided that this was my mess to clean up and aside from tossing the casual "hang in there", they had no obligation to help me. "She's a tough bitch. She'll figure this out." I am tough. I am figuring it out. But, I'd like to not have to be the tough one. Just once.

Every time someone sent me a link to a job that I wasn't even remotely qualified for, I felt like they weren't trusting me to find a job or look for a job. I know part of it is that they don't know what it's like and they wanted to be helpful, but it wasn't helpful. I would receive messages from people wanting to tell me stories about someone they knew who was out of work for months, even years. I had people joking about my extended vacation. I had people "praying" for me and telling me to go to church and hand this over to God. Not to discount the power of prayer or the existence of a higher being, but I wasn't going to show up at some church only to tell everyone I needed help when I couldn't be bothered to go any other time. Prayers don't pay bills. My landlord takes dollars.

As November rolled to an end, my spirit started to really drag. No interviews were coming in. I had been applying for part time work, seasonal work, work at home gigs, temp jobs, contract jobs. If I felt remotely qualified, I'd apply. I was applying here, in Ohio, in Pennsylvania, in Northern Virginia, and all parts of Hampton Roads.

I thought I was the shit when I started my job search because I arrogantly looked at my resume and said, "I am so smart. I am so skilled. I will have a job in no time flat." I also thought that the fact that I was currently unemployed would appeal to some. I could start right away. I was hungry. I was eager to work. Motivated to work. Desperate to work. It is very humbling to realize that compared to all of the other people who are applying for the very same jobs, I am unremarkable. There are probably 10 other people just like me. Maybe even younger and thinner and healthier. I know companies won't tell you that they take age and weight into consideration, but they do. I know they do. I used to be on the hiring side. Younger workers will work longer hours for less pay because they want to get promoted before they turn 30. The past two supervisors I had were almost 20 years younger than myself.

Right before Thanksgiving, I had an interview for a training position for a finance company. I had a very long phone interview with a recruiter then a face to face with two representatives of the company. About 10 minutes into the interview, I knew that there was no job for me. Oh, I was super qualified for it and could have done it in my sleep. However, when I asked when they hoped to fill the position, they looked at each other and laughed and said, "Well, we've been looking since June and when we find the right person, we'll know." When I asked if the position was to replace someone who left or a new position, they told me that the current trainer said that she needed help so they created this new position to help her. The way they said it made me feel like they were doing this to just appease some poor overworked person and that they were probably going back to said person and telling her that there were no good candidates. I knew I didn't want to work for a company like that but I also knew that I couldn't say no if they offered because I really needed a job. They said I'd hear "sometime after the holiday".

I knew that the week of Thanksgiving would be a miss for any sort of interviews and contacts, so I gave myself most of the week off. I pretended I was on vacation and didn't stress myself out as much about getting in X number applications per day. I played games online. I watched television. I slept in. I stayed up late. I bought Boston Market.

Still, at night, when everything was quiet and I was all alone with myself and my thoughts, I would lie there and feel helpless and hopeless. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Is God trying to teach me a lesson of some sort?

The worst part is that when everyone I knew was posting all of the things they were grateful for and gearing up for the holidays, I was sinking into a deep depression because I did have things to be grateful for but the things I didn't have stood out more. Yeah, I hated my job, but I did it well and would have gone on forever doing it because I needed it. But, being without one, even with the small unemployment checks I received, and not having anything or anyone else around to help... it makes a person question just about everything in their life.

All About That Bass

2015-01-27T00:03:00.002-05:00

Yeah, it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two
But I can shake it, shake it
Like I'm supposed to do
'Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase
And all the right junk in all the right places
I see the magazine workin' that Photoshop
We know that shit ain't real
C'mon now, make it stop
If you got beauty, beauty, just raise 'em up
'Cause every inch of you is perfect
From the bottom to the top

from All About That Bass

It's not a secret that I am a big person. Bigger than big, actually. I don't like being big but I dislike exercise more than I dislike being big. I could give you excuses for why I'm big - medical problems, medications, genetics, environment, budget, depression - but I won't. I know I am big. I know what I need to do to not be big. I just struggle with exercise because I hate it. I've tried all sorts of fun things to make it more appealing but I can't make myself do it. Not alone or with a friend. This blog is not about that, though.

This blog is about my disappointment in television shows about obese people. Reality shows about what it's like to be an obese person.

A few years ago, there was a show called Ruby about this morbidly obese woman in Georgia trying to lose weight and cameras followed her around while she bitched and moaned for two seasons with people enabling her to be fat and whiny. She had a roommate, lived off of disability because she said she had health issues that prevented her from working (yet they didn't prevent her from filming a tv show), and had a fabulous gay male friend and a chubby female friend to hang out with. She also had a manipulative ex boyfriend who would show up every now and then to reinforce that big women can get laid by seemingly normal and even attractive men on occasion. I liked the show initially because she seemed positive and upbeat and making strides to change public opinion of obese people. Then, it just became a show about her whining and bitching about life, getting frustrated and it was the same old same old over and over. I felt frustrated that they couldn't show what it's like for a person who has a job and doesn't have overly supportive and fabulous gay besties to help her stay fluffy and wonderful. The show eventually got cancelled.

Now, there's a show called My Big Fat Fabulous Life based on this woman who is a dancer who put a video of herself dancing and TLC decided she would be interesting enough for an entire reality show. I mean -- omg, a fat girl who can dance? What are the chances?

Well, of course, she lives in the South, too, lives with her parents, doesn't have a job and has, you guessed it, a fabulous gay male friend or two. She even has a chubby female friend and a straight male friend who used to be a boyfriend. It's Ruby 2.0. Only - this show is different. It's different because this woman was once skinny. She was an aspiring dancer. Then, she was diagnosed with a disease that caused her gain a lot of weight in a short period of time. She loves to point out that no matter what, she's going to be big and keep gaining weight, so any weight she loses is to either maintain her current weight or to make room for future gain. She emphasizes that she can be fit and fat at the same time and that aside from her illness, she is no different than anyone else. However, as the show has progressed, there hasn't really been much emphasis on that. She eats mayonnaise and banana sandwiches for breakfast and complains when her doting dad makes her protein based meals.

As I'm watching her ask her mom to shave her legs for her because she's too big to do it and as she changes clothing in the middle of a public parking lot because her ass ripped a hole in her stretch pants, it occurred to me that as much as I like to clamor for fat acceptance in this world and for people to understand what it's like, as long as there are shows like this on, no one will ever really take being fat as something that they need to understand. It's not a disability or handicap. It's a life choice.

I want to see a show about real people trying to make their marks.. not people who live with their parents and whose sole claim to fame is the fact that they did a dance video. She is trying to prove to everyone that she is still that thin person she once was and flip flops from wanting acceptance as a fat person to wanting to be a thin person. She cries one moment because people are mean and then flips her hair and becomes super sassy the next, as if it's no biggee. She doesn't seem authentic. The woman is a slob and sadly, like the previous show, just reinforces a common stereotype about obese people -- that we're lazy, dirty, sloppy and make bad food choices and deserve to be ridiculed because if we had more gumption and more motivation, then we'd just stop being obese.

Another startling reality I had while watching the show is that I don't feel comfortable seeing other morbidly obese people. I'm not talking about overweight or curvy people. I'm talking about those people who are hundreds of pounds overweight, like myself. In my head, I'm not obese. In my dreams, I'm not obese. Most women look in a mirror and see a person who is bigger. I look in the mirror and think that the mirror is lying and that I'm really smaller than what I'm seeing. It's not until I see a photo or video of myself that I realize it's "real". It's not until I try on clothing that is the size of a small tent and realize it's real. Other than the gym thing, I don't have any of the other traits. I'm tidy. I'm organized. I don't chow down on junk food. I can shave my legs. I am not gross and I do not have a fabulous gay best friend. Or an attractive brooding ex boyfriend. I am lazy in the sense that I don't like to go to the gym, and that I will choose a nap over going to the gym, but you won't find me lying on the sofa eating chips or complaining to my faboo gay bestie about my life. Unless I'm sick, I try to do something. Just not exercise.

I think that is why I have such a hard time with my self confidence and self esteem. I represent something I find unattractive and unappealing. I don't want to believe it. I want to be okay with it. I'm not. I feel like I should apologize for being fat and for taking up space. Yet, I can't make myself change it. Self sabotage, anyone?

This also makes me wonder why I want to see a show on fat acceptance with real fat people and not internet created sensations. Is my own disgust based on the fact that I don't believe anyone else can find a fat person to be attractive and without the negative connotations that come with being fat? Or, am I the voice of reason for people who are fooling themselves by believing that as long as they proclaim that they are okay with being fat and that their lives are fabulous then it shall be so?

A long time ago, I had a conversation with a therapist who suggested that I refuse to lose weight because as long as I'm fat, it's my protection, my barrier from the real world. I can say men won't date me because I'm fat. I can say I can't do something I don't want to do because I'm fat. I can say I don't have many friends because I'm fat. I can let people laugh at me and mock me because I'm fat. But, if I lose the weight and all of the things still exist, then what will I blame it on then?

While I've been unemployed (and yes, I know that I left a cliffhanger at the end of the last blog, but I'm pretty sure you can figure out I didn't get the job), all I keep thinking about is how I need to make a change in my personal life.

But, what if I make a change and nothing changes? Will I be just like a cancelled reality show that missed the mark? What if I'm just like everyone else?

The First Thing I Do...

2015-01-22T23:23:00.002-05:00

There are three things I do when my life falls apart
Number one I cry my eyes out and dry up my heart
Not until I do this will my new life start
So that’s the first thing that I do when my life falls apart.

I had planned on waiting until I had a job before writing a blog about my unemployment but have decided to start on the installments since it has taken longer than I expected.

October 3, 2014 seemed like any other day in my life. I got up, got dressed and went to work. I was there early as usual and got right to work on end of the month reports for my boss. I needed to leave early that day for a doctor's appointment and worked through lunch. I had all of the reporting done by noon and took a quick 15 minute break, something I don't normally do, and picked up some soup from a local food truck and went back to my desk. The energy all week had been kind of off in the office. I couldn't put my finger on it, but management seemed stressed and my supervisor seemed to be in some weird distant place every time I tried to talk to him about anything. I recall making a comment to a co-worker that "something was brewing" and my gut didn't like the feeling. I'm particularly susceptible to people's energy and things were tense and just.. weird.. for lack of a better word. Little did I know how right I was.

Around 2:15, I got an IM from my boss's boss's boss asking me to meet him in HR. It's never good when you are asked to meet someone in HR near the end of the day on a Friday. I took my purse because I was supposed to be leaving at 2:30 for my doctor's appointment and figured I'd leave from there. I didn't realize walking into that room that I'd be leaving and not returning.

Reduction in Force. I get to go down in history as one of the few people my company has ever laid off. In the nearly 7 years that I was there, I couldn't really think of anyone who had been laid off. They always found another job for anyone whose position was being eliminated. At first, being me, I didn't accept it. I literally said, "This is a joke, right?" and looked from the HR manager to my boss's boss. No sympathy in those eyes. No acknowledgment of what they were doing. Just... "It's not you. It's me. Please leave."

They took my badge and keys and walked me out like a common criminal. I asked if I could say good bye. I was told no. I was so embarrassed being walked out. I knew that within 15 minutes of my leaving the building, everyone who saw the walk of shame would be gossiping about it. That's how it works there. One of my co-worker is notorious for being one of the first to share gossip so I texted her and told her I had been let go. I wanted to make sure that it was clear I hadn't been fired.

I sat in my car for a few minutes, numb. It felt like I'd been fired. It didn't feel like a valid exit. All of the things went through my head that goes through anyone's head during a time like this. I'm a good worker. I don't abuse the system. Why am I being let go but my co-workers who creep in late, leave early and take numerous "breaks" all day long get to keep their jobs? Then, I called my doctor and broke my appointment because it was for FMLA paperwork that I wouldn't be needing anymore. Then, I texted someone I thought would understand, someone who would be rightly outraged on my behalf, someone who had an opportunity to be a really good friend, someone who, sadly, chose to hijack my moment of sharing and respond that they hated their job and wished they could be fired. Then... I cried.

I cried all the drive home. I don't even remember the drive. I was on auto-pilot. I came home, sat in a chair in my living room and just cried. A teammate sent me a text telling me he'd be there for me if I wanted to talk but I was afraid it was a trick - that someone wanted him to text me to get the scoop and HR was very very clear that I was not to discuss the details of what happened with anyone from work, on that day and for several weeks afterward. I'm not entirely sure what the repercussions were but I couldn't risk any more negative action from them.

Within an hour of being laid off, I was in action mode. That's how I am. I allow myself some self-pity time but then I have to do something. I was online researching unemployment, food stamps, medicare/medicaid, low-income housing, etc. I was checking my bank balance and mentally calculating if I had enough money to cover October's bills. I was emailing people whom had talked to me about jobs in the past. I was reaching out to former co-workers asking if they knew of any jobs. Before the weekend was over, I had already applied for 7 jobs and started my unemployment process. In my mind, this was going to be a quick process and my company had done me a favor. I was just too chicken to look outside the company for something new - the devil you know versus the devil you don't and all of that. Plus, I kept hoping karma would catch up with everyone else and if I just kept my mouth shut, did my job and kept my nose clean, I'd be the one coming out on top. If I had known what was going to happen to me, I think I probably would have taken more breaks and my full lunch more often.

In my mind, I had this great fantasy that I was going to just get a new job right away and then post it on LinkedIn and everyone who could see my profile would be envious that I had gotten out. Like a prisoner who is still stuck on the inside watching a former prisoner get paroled.

A friend helped me secure a freelance part-time writing gig about a week after I lost my job and I saw this as a sign that things would be okay. I'd earn some money and experience writing and then be able to keep that as a side source of income once I got a full time job. It wasn't going to be much work and sporadic at best, but it was going to be something.

I tried to keep my routine as normal as possible. I didn't get up at 6:30 a.m. like I used to, but I was still getting up before 8:00 a.m. and I would hop on the computer and spend my day looking for work. This was my new job. I registered with every temp agency I could find. I updated my resume on all of the major job boards. I updated my profile on LinkedIn. I checked craigslist. I signed up for talent networks at major corporations. I googled and searched, searched and applied. I tweaked my resume about a dozen times, trying to make it stand out. Every job application had its own resume and cover letter. I applied for food stamps and medical assistance and got turned down. I was accepted for unemployment but it would take a few weeks to kick in. I cashed out my 401k, a life insurance policy and waited patiently for my final check from my job. I figured that I would be "fine" until the end of November if all the money could make it to me by the end of October. It was hairy. I was pretty panicked. A few friends sent me some cash to help with groceries and day-to-day expenses. A few others sent me a few gift cards. Early birthday gifts. I knew I had no safety net and I kept trying to explain to people what that feels like, but it's hard to explain something they don't understand. Everyone has someone it seems. I don't. Not really. I've always been a bit of a loner and my family has not really been that supportive of me. I got a lot of "I'm thinking of you", "I'm praying for you" and "Hang In There" comments. It was frustrating. When you are lying in bed, trying to not think of the "worst case" scenario, the prayers and well wishes seem hollow. I can't go to my landlord and say, "Hey, I can't make rent this month but three of my friends prayed for me last night so it's going to be okay."

I wrote to my landlord and car finance company asking for some sort of assistance. I proposed to my landlord that since they had an opening for a leasing agent, they could hire me and/or reduce my rent and help me avoid possible eviction. That didn't happen. They were not sympathetic at all and reiterated the late fee and eviction policy. I didn't understand it. If you have someone who has lived in your complex for over 6 years and has never been late and is a good renter, why can't you work with them? Especially when you have open position within your company and you could be the hero to help someone out? They had the opportunity to have a renter for life. Now, I can't wait until I can find a different place and leave this place. My car finance company gave me a two month deferral of payments for October and November, resuming in December.

I decided to spend some time on self maintenance while I still had insurance. I got my teeth cleaned. Twice. I got new glasses. Bifocals. Then, I started to have serious stomach issues and had to also add a series of X-rays and an emergency room visit to my month. I have to tell you - I can definitely see why people manufacture illnesses to go to the hospital. I felt so safe and tended to in the hospital. I had the most kind male nurse ever who brought me blankets and water and a remote control for the television and checked on me. They weren't able to find anything wrong with me and said it was most likely stress and sent me home. I got a nice $1500 invoice for my troubles. It's still unpaid.

I also decided to take advantage of the maintenance services of my apartment complex. I requested a clean out and repainting of my utility closet because there was mold growing on the walls from previous water leaks and the apartment reeked of mildew. Then, when that didn't get rid of the smell, I wrangled a free carpet cleaning out of them. That still didn't get rid of the smell and the carpet returned to its dingy self once the carpets dried. You get what you pay for.

I learned to love ramen noodles and eating what I already have on hand instead of running to the grocery store for deli foods and prepared foods. I allowed myself $20 a week for groceries - to get staples like milk, eggs, fresh fruit. I learned to maximize that money by looking for double coupon days and bogo deals. I explored Dollar Tree's frozen foods and canned goods.

I started to sleep a little later on Mondays and enjoy late night television. Weekends meant nothing. Every day was the same. The only difference with Saturday and Sunday was that no one would be calling for interviews.

However, as the third week of October rolled around and the only interviews I could get were with insurance companies looking for motivated, self starters to work strictly on commission from home, without benefits, selling insurance products, I started to get a little worried. Luckily, I had gotten all of the funds I was waiting on and told myself I had bought myself another month. Now, I needed to find something by the end of November. I told myself to just sit back and take a breath and let things happen. I kept applying. Kept networking. Every day, get up, do it all over again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Persistence pays off. My mood was still mostly positive. More good than bad. More up than down. "This is going to be a great story some day," I said. I was (and still am) keeping a journal of everything I did each day from how many jobs I applied for, what companies, where I went, what I did, what I ate, anything special about that day, my mood, my health, etc.

In the meantime, I dealt with several messages from former colleagues doing some curiosity seeking and trying to get me to tell them what had happened. I refrained from saying too much.

Then, the week of my birthday, I got a call for an interview for an administrative job that was right up my alley. The company seemed solid. The pay was good. THEY found me online and reached out to me, asking me to apply for the position.

The interview went well. They told me all about the company and even sent me to speak with someone about benefits who spent 10 minutes going over all of the benefits options, vacation, holidays, etc. They gave me a glossy folder with information inside about the company's policies. Why give that to someone if you weren't interested. I thought for sure that this was the break. The one. They told me I'd hear from them within a week.

Was it too good to be true?

To be continued....

Holding Back the Years

2015-01-06T15:48:00.004-05:00

Holding back the years
Chance for me to escape from all I've known
Holding back the tears
Cause nothing here has grown
I've wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Nothing ever could yeah

I was originally going to call this the "If I could turn back time" post, but I did not want to have Cher running through my head for the rest of the day.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about the past and asking myself a lot of "how did I end up like this?" type questions. I look around me and I have stuff - most of it sentimental in value, but worthless otherwise - and soon, I'm going to have to come up with a plan for this stuff because unless I get a job soon, homeless is a very real possibility. The fear of this keeps me awake at night. What is so important to me to take with me? What can I leave behind? What do I do with the rest? Is there anything worth selling? Do I just put it all in storage? How will I feel when I see it out on the curb after eviction?

As these questions swirl through my head, I think back to a time when things were much simpler and I didn't even realize it. I find myself wishing I could find something "like that" now.

Twenty years ago, I was working a full-time job as a child care consultant making a little more than minimum wage (which I think was $4.35 or something like that) and working part-time as an evening office manager for a community center/boarding house place. I lived in a furnished room in the boarding house upstairs. Everything I owned was in one room. When I went to bed at night, I could see all of my worldly possessions. I didn't really "want" for more. If I didn't have the room for it or the money for it, I didn't buy it. If I bought something new, I tossed out something old to make room for the new thing. My wardrobe was modest. I drove a Ford Escort. I didn't have a cell phone or a pager. I used calling cards for long-distance calling from a payphone in the living room of the boarding house. I shared a bathroom and kitchen with 14 other women. My biggest and most expensive possession was a brand new Packard Bell computer system complete with a dial up modem and dot matrix printer that I was financing through Sun TV (which later became HH Gregg.) I paid $30 a week for rent. There was a dining room in the boarding house that was open to the public and because I worked and lived there, I got a discount so my dinners were usually made and eaten there. I walked to a lot of the places I went, eventhough I had a car. Parking was a premium and once you found a good parking spot near the center, you didn't want to lose it. I was a bit healthier. I had friends. I even had a love life. I traveled. My luxury was books. I loved books. When I moved out, 75% of my wordly possessions were either books or clothing.

All my life, I didn't have "much". I grew up poor, lived in a mobile home until I left for college. Then, a dorm room doesn't give you much space to expand either. I spent the first 28 years of my life living in spaces that forced me to economize and prioritize. As long as I was happy, that's all that mattered.

Then, in 1996, I got an itching to live in the "big city" and in an apartment. More space meant the need for more things. More things meant more debt. More debt meant more work. More work meant more stress. Once you started, you couldn't stop. At least, I couldn't. I gained weight. I made bad choices. I had to keep going and going and going. I attached feelings to my things. Seeing my things made me feel good. Being able to buy things made me feel good. I would try to buy friendships. I would try to buy affection.

Now, I want to go back. I want to have that peaceful non-materialistic life I had before. I wish I could find a nice quaint boarding house set up like I had 20 years ago (and trust me, I've been looking) where Abby and I can sort of reboot and start over. I've looked for "rooms for rent" type ads, but the offerings here sound scary or they won't allow pets. I'm not looking for a "roommate" situation because I don't want to compete with another person for use of an apartment and try to build some sort of rapport and pray that the person doesn't rape me, kill me, or steal from me. I want my own room in a monitored space with other people coming and going from their own rooms in this monitored space. I don't want to live in some stranger's basement or garage and worry about them not paying their mortgage and being evicted. I watch enough Judge Judy to see the horror stories about people who came home to find their stuff ransacked, stolen, or tossed out because some landlord got into a snit. I've been looking for studio apartments outside of this area, but I need a job to get an apartment.

Last night, I couldn't sleep for a variety of reasons, and as I lay in bed, I was mentally cataloging the things in each room of my apartment as "keep, sell, donate or toss" items. It forced me to realize the things that are important to me.

Abby
My photo albums
An old family bible that is 46 years old
My laptop and printer
Some of my older books
A couple pieces of jewelry
5-6 outfits
2-3 pairs of shoes
Legal documents and tax documents
Medical records for me and Abby
A portable generator for jumping my car
My Kindle
A television
A tiny combination bank I've had since I was a kid
Some diaries from when I was in junior high
A few good pens
A few good notebooks

When I really look around at my stuff, I want to keep it all, but I realize that it doesn't make me happy.

One huge thing I've realized is that if I could turn back time and have a do-over, knowing what I know, I would have tried to do more with less, like I was doing 20 years ago.

People keep asking me why I can't just go out and get a part time or minimum wage job and I wish I could. There was a time when I could. Health reasons that prevent me from doing some of those jobs aside, I can't get off of this money-eating machine. I want to. But, right now, I can't.

I have a lease that isn't up until May. My landlord will not work with me to reduce my rent. I've asked. I can't get a cheaper apartment without a job and fairly decent credit score. If I take a place that doesn't check credit or require a job like a motel or shady craigslist ad, then I risk being sued for breaking my lease. I lose my deposit, too. A lot of places require at least six months of work history for an apartment.

So, I feel stuck. I know I need to downsize my life and go back to a simpler less expensive lifestyle.

I need a job. I can't get a job. I'm trying. Every day and every way. I'm trying. My ego and esteem have taken quite the beating because I arrogantly thought I'd have something within a few weeks. I've applied for the part time jobs and the minimum wage jobs. I've networked. I've signed on with temp agencies.

As for expenses, I'm doing everything I can to keep those as low as I can, too. I'm not eligible to refinance my car. Bad credit score from mistakes I made two years ago. Then, when I got the newer car two years ago, I had to roll over a loan balance which made my payments higher. I have the lowest legal coverages for insurance. I have a pay as you go cell phone. I don't take my prescription medications as often as I should so that I can make them last longer. I've applied for food stamps and assistance and got rejected. I cashed out my 401k and a life insurance policy. I can't get credit cards. I don't have rich friends or family members.

I made a promise to the Powers That Be last night that if I can please please please get a job that falls some place within a certain salary range by the end of the month, then I promise I will streamline and prioritize and get back to the way of life that is meaningful so that if this happens again, I won't be blind sided. I will find a smaller and less expensive place to live, even if I have to buy a gun to live there. I will cancel cable as soon as my contract is up (I tried to cancel it, but the early termination fee made it cheaper to just keep it for right now) and watch all of my television online, if I need to watch it at all. I will see if I can find a beater car and then surrender my shiny newish car back to the finance company.

I just need a chance. I get it. I lost control. It's my fault.

Now I need a miracle to change it.

And people to help me pack up the stuff, sell the stuff, move the stuff...

I've wasted all my tears
Wasted all those years
And nothing had the chance to be good
Nothing ever could yeah

Talking About A Resolution

2014-01-01T19:31:00.001-05:00

Chasing dragons with plastic swords
Jack off Jimmy, everybody wants more
Scully and angel on the kitchen floor
And I'm calling Buddy on the ouija board
I've been thinking 'bout catching a train
Leave my phone machine by the radar range
Hello it's me, I'm not at home
If you'd like to reach me, leave me alone
A change would do you good
A change would do you good
Hello, it's me, I'm not at home
If you'd like to reach me, leave me alone

Every January 1, I feel like I should join in with the rest of the world and make a to-do list of all of the things I want to accomplish in the next 365 days... all of the things I didn't completely accomplish in the 45 times 365 days up to now.

What would this list look like?

Lose Weight. Well, okay... that was a goal last year. I did lose weight. Then, I regained it and never re-lost it. So, the goal would have to be a little more precise. "Lose weight. Never find it again."
Go to the gym more. I went once last year. Once. I paid $10 a month every month just to have the opportunity to go. The one time I went, I remembered how much I hate going to the gym. I don't like waiting to use machines. Then, I don't like being watched by others who are waiting to use machines. I hated gym class in school so I don't know why I'd even remotely think I'd enjoy going to something that equates to a large gym class... that I pay for. Still... if I go to the gym twice this year, I've accomplished this goal.
Save money. This was a goal last year too. I received a tax refund and placed it in my savings account. It stayed there for about a month until property taxes on my car came due along with all of Abby's annual vaccinations and license fee. But, I did save for a little bit.

Making these lists is too stressful and too much like setting myself up for failure. So, I decided this year to just have one goal. My goal for this year is to do more of the things that make me happy and less of the things that don't make me happy. The first part includes trusting myself more and trusting my instinct more.

All of my "low points" from last year center around allowing others to guide how I think, feel and act/react. My plan for 2014 is to do less of that -- to be more genuine, more authentic and to trust my instincts. I ignored my "spidey sense" more than I should have and invited people into my life who gossiped about me and turned on me. I ignored warning signs that friendships were lopsided and imbalanced. I pretended I didn't notice that someone I loved didn't value me as much as I valued him. I kept talking myself out of the fact that my job is killing me and that the people who should be helping me be successful there aren't helping me.

Then, I started to think about how much fun keeping resolutions would be if we weren't so serious.

Fun resolutions:

To wear something red every Wednesday.
To part my hair on the opposite side at least once a week to see if anyone knows.
To clap and say "yippee" every time someone tells me that they have to go to the bathroom.
Whenever I meet someone new, I'm going to ask them where they are from and then use the first letter of the city or town in as many words as I can in a conversation with them until they start to get suspicious.
To have sex by myself, with someone, and/or in my dreams at least once a month.
Feature a different letter of the alphabet for my meal planning each day for at least a month.
Respond to people with "word" as if it's the most natural response to whatever they are saying.

You get the idea. Wouldn't you be more prone to feel successful if you invited more fun and frivolity into your life instead of focusing on all of the serious "should do" and "must do" stuff?

Life's too short. A change.... a fun change... could do me good.

Bev's Blog - The Early Years

2013-06-11T19:45:00.002-04:00

Before I joined blogger, I had a blog on a website called tv.com which was linked to gamespot.com. My tv.com blog is long gone but the gamespot blog is still there.

If you'd like to see what life was like for me from 2005 - 2009, this is the place to go.

It's actually quite interesting to read my growth from then until 2009.

http://www.gamespot.com/users/booksnbeach4me/blog

Brains

2013-01-07T19:07:00.004-05:00

I had this super weird dream last night that I was on an investigative team sent to find out why people were still turning into zombies long after the zombie plague had been taken care of and all of the zombies had been killed.

It was like a sci fi movie. My team and I went into this large bunker - very military like - and there were metal storage containers stacked on top of each other. I opened one and inside were cardboard boxes with names written on the boxes. I opened a few boxes and there were dead/killed zombies inside the boxes.

I happened to notice a lot of flies and maggots festering in the cardboard and speculated to my partner that maybe the flies were spreading the zombie virus. He said it was worth looking into so we did a test on the flies and sure enough, they were landing on the zombies and then landing on live people and infecting them with the zombie virus.

We then had to take on the flies, which seemed almost impossible to kill with sprays and insecticides. So I suggested that we crush their heads as if they were little zombies themselves... and it worked.

Weird Dreams

2013-01-05T21:11:00.002-05:00

Blog # 2 today.

No song lyrics for this one.

Over the past few weeks, I've been having an increase in my dreaming and my dreams have been pretty wild. Some include people I know. Some don't.

Last weekend, I had a dream that I lived in a new condo and every time I used the washing machine (which was on the first floor), water would pour out of the light fixture in my kitchen (which was also on the first floor). I called a male friend and told him to come over and fix it. He showed up and I was running around in a Snoopy beach towel, all frustrated because I just wanted to have the mess taken care of. He kept trying to make conversation with me while tinkering with pipes and connectors to my washing machine. I was getting irritated and told him to just get it fixed pronto because I needed to get dressed for a bachelor auction. He told me that I needed to stop wasting time chasing strangers and look at what was right under my nose. I made a face at him and then woke up.

Then, the night before last, I had a dream that I showed up for work at this very modern office space. It was not the company I currently work for. The layout was very open and the office furniture and cubicles all looked new and fancy. Lots of feng shui vibe going on. It was like the company took great pains and a lot of money to encourage a peaceful and creative spirit. My cubicle had high and low walls and the desk was sort of curved, as if to promote ergonomics. My back wall was high and had a frosty blue glass panel and small ledge that I could put knick knacks on. My computer was sleek and stylish. I had colorful gadgets and office supplies on my desk. Sitting in the middle of my desk was a vase with a single hot pink gerbera daisy in it. There was a folded note that said, "Someone as sweet as you deserves a Valentine." No name was on the card but the handwriting was male. I smiled and looked around but the office was still empty - like I was the first one to arrive. I was wearing a pretty dress that had boat neck, fitted bodice and flowy A-line skirt that came to my knees. The dress was white/off white and had a swirly black print on it. I was wearing a short pink cardigan with the dress. I felt feminine and pretty. I was wearing a pink ribbon in my hair as a headband. I felt very old-fashioned in a very modern world. I looked at my digital calendar on my desk and it was Feb 14. Then, I woke up.

Last night, I had several dreams.

In one, I dreamt that I bought a kit online to build my own spaceship. It was made of this superlight space-travel safe material that was bright yellow. Big Bird yellow. The space ship looked like a really large toxic waste trash can. I was in space, looking out the window, wearing normal clothing, no zero gravity or anything, looking down on the world and thinking how cool it was that I was in space. Then, I noticed a readout that said, “Time to impact” and it had a timeframe. Then, next to it was a readout “Oxygen remaining” and had a timeframe. The amount of oxygen time was two minutes less than the time to impact. I realized I was going to be without oxygen for at least two minutes and this freaked me out so I started to panic, thinking of how I could escape without killing myself. I found a saw and notched out an escape hatch in the wall and then just as the oxygen ran out, I kicked out the hatch and flew from the space ship and landed on a sandy beach. Bounced on it like a cartoon character. No injuries. The space ship continued on without me. Before I hurled myself out the hatch, I grabbed my phone and texted (obviously you can text from space) all of my friends: “In case I don’t make, I love you.” Very vague. I went around telling everyone about my space ship adventure and no one would believe me. I described it, my hatch, etc and people would laugh at me. Then, one of my male friends was there and asked me what the hell my text meant and said that he thought I was going to kill myself and it freaked him out. I told him about the spaceship and he said, “Let’s go find it”. So, we got into a jeep and drove down the beach and there was the space ship, sticking up out of the sand, with all of these people and reporters standing around. I said, “See!!” and then I woke up!

Then, I had one where I had a talk show like the “Dog Whisperer” and women would bring their boyfriends to me and I would stand near them and then tell them if the guy was “gay” or “not gay”. It was like a talk show/reality show. Just me sniffing these men’s necks and making a decision about their sexuality. Then, the guys who were gay, I kept to the side to be friends. They were happy and kept chattering about how much fun we were going to have. The women were mad at me but I didn’t care. Maybe that’s my calling. My purpose is not to find love for myself, but to help men find themselves and know that I will not be lonely because I will be surrounded by men who like me as I am.

Then, I had a dream that my company sent a bunch of us on some sort of expedition to this village that had tons of market places and shops to “spread the word and bring back new business”. I was there with an odd assortment of people from my life and work. I kept wanting to buy things instead of finding new clients. But, I didn’t want the things for me, I wanted them for other people. The guy who runs the mailroom at work pulled me aside and told me that I cannot keep trying to give people what I think they want and told me people want me not my things. Then, I woke up.

Then, I also had a dream that I was at the grocery store and I saw one of my male friends there with another man and they looked and acted like a couple. I have suspected that the male might be gay but I can't confirm it and he won't confirm it. Not that it matters. But, they were laughing and joking and being silly together. They didn't see me. My male friend said to the other guy, "I wish my friend Bev was here. She gets along really well with gay men. She'd love you!" or something like that. Then, I woke up.

Soooo --- love, romance, gay men, world travel, space travel, friendship, food.... all with meanings if I spend more time analyzing them.

Collide

2013-01-05T20:31:00.001-05:00

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find you and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find you and I collide

I was playing a mindless game of SongPop on Facebook earlier and this song came up in Love Songs. I guessed it in 1.3 seconds. I love the song Collide by Howie Day. I was looking at the date of the song and it said 2003. I can't believe the song is 10 years old. That just doesn't seem like it's right. Every time I hear the song, it feels like the first time I've heard it and I immediately find myself singing along with it, top of my lungs. I think it is just one of those songs for me that will be in the soundtrack of my life.

Now, I know -- as far as songs go, there are better songs. There are more meaningful songs. But this song... it digs into my soul.

If you really listen to it... if you read the lyrics... to me, it sounds like the song is about two people who have a push-pull relationship. Love-hate. Whatever you want to call it. They seem like opposites yet they keep coming back together. That one short song summarizes just about every romantic relationship I've ever had (sans happy ending.) Fear, interest, hope, dismay, push, pull, love, hate. It's all there. A romance novel set to music. With a semi-happy ending. The other party finally realizes what the first party knew all along. They were meant to come together. To collide. My favorite part of the song, though, is the opening verse.

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you, yeah

I often wake up on the weekend, alone, all snuggly in bed and wonder what it would be like to roll over and see the sunlight reflect off of the face or hair or shoulder of someone lying beside me. Someone other than Abby. Someone who is the love of my life and with whom I don't mind being tangled - physically and emotionally. Someone with whom I collide.

Maybe this year. No. Definitely this year.

This is not going to be a blog about loving and losing. I was just listening to this song and thought, "Man, I want to tell people why I like this song" and so I wrote a blog. If I ever get married, this song will be at my wedding.

The Last Song

2012-06-23T16:40:00.002-04:00

Did you know I'd go to sleep
And leave the lights on
Hopin' you'd come by
And know that I was home and still awake
But two years go by and still my lights on
This is hard for me to say
But this is all that I can say

It's the last song I'll ever write for you
It's the last time that I'll tell you
Just how much I really care
This is the last song I'll ever sing for you

I've been thinking a lot about ending the blog. A lot. This is not an act to get attention. I just don't enjoy writing it anymore.

You see, I've been going through some changes these past few months and my goals in life and my desires in life are changing.

In our new hire training class, we show this DVD of Randy Pausch's Last Lecture. Randy was a professor at Carnegie Mellon who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and given a few months to live. He decided to do a "last lecture" at CMU listing his childhood dreams and lessons learned. He mentions the "head fake" -- where you do one thing but your goal is actually something else. Like -- teaching someone a computer programming language but making it so fun that they think they are just designing games. His whole lecture was a "head fake" - he made it sound like he was recalling his life lessons but really, he was giving advice to his young children on how he wanted them to live their lives - with no regrets. I saw the video a long time ago, back when he was still alive, and it made an impact on me then. I still get these chills when I watch it now. There is a lot to be said for the life lessons he wants his children to learn. Google the transcript or the video and listen/watch with an open heart and open mind. There are gems. We can all learn from it.

So - here's my head fake. This blog.... well... I intended it to be an accounting of whimsical dating stories, funny observations, and my own life lessons, offset by song lyrics. The reality is - the entire blog -- the whole year's worth of writings (all 200+ entries) were actually intended for two men in life. Two men I wanted to know more about me. I wanted to give them a "cheat sheet" of sorts about me. How to deal with me, how to talk to me, how to get to know me. I know I can be difficult at times. I've been told I can be too aloof. I can be too moody. ("doom and gloom" as a friend puts it.) I've had a lot of rough times in my life. I've had a lot of fun in my life. I have ambitions and dreams. I've been in love and I've been hurt. I wanted a shot at showing these men who I really am inside. I can't exactly walk up to these men and say, "Hey, look, here's what I want you to know about me and I think that if you know this about me, you will realize just how great we could be together... as friends... as more than friends... whatever." Oh, I've tried. But, they just aren't interested in me that way. Or in any way. I gave it a valiant effort. One of the men is from my past. One of the men is from my present. Ironically, I don't think either man has read more than one or two of my entries.

My head fake failed and to be honest, I think I need to spend some time living life instead of approaching everything as a possible blog entry or way to impress someone who doesn't want to be impressed. I think it's time for me to go back to keeping a journal of these personal thoughts and focus on other types of writing -- lighter, funnier. Less about me. More universal. Something that will help me make money some day and let me live in that big ole beach house on a cliff overlooking a tumultuous sea.

So - as my "swan song" of sorts until I can figure out what happens next-- I leave you with a bunch of random thoughts circulating my head. Observations, ponderances, stuff. Things I'm thinking. Things I wished I had said. Things I wish I hadn't said. :)

When I have a cold and mention it to a co-worker, instead of offering sympathy, the first thing she does is screech that I'd better not get her sick. Nevermind that when she's sick, she snorts and sneezes and coughs on everyone and doesn't care if she gets anyone sick.

When I have a cold, my singing voice improves. It's very odd. I sound like Adele. Of course, it could just be my imagination.

When I win the lottery, in addition to having someone make me breakfast every day and lemon bars once a month, I also want home-made chicken noodle soup when I have a cold.

My hormones are going crazy. I don't know if it's some weird pre-menopause thing or what. But, I think about sex almost all the time. Yeah, I know, too much information. I'm going out with a bang. ;) I have these vivid sex dreams. I don't know if it is because I read that damned Fifty Shades of Grey or what. But, I think it's a sign I probably need to reconsider cancelling my dating profiles.

Living on a budget sucks. But it also has opened my eyes to how much money I spend on things I don't really need to survive. I'm on a straight cash budget now. I withdraw $X on pay day for groceries and day to day expenses. When the money is gone, I'm done spending until the next pay day. It's been hairy. But, I'm doing it. I buy dollar store brands and have gotten pretty creative with the stuff in my freezer and cupboards.

Cats are expensive. I never realized how expensive Abby's food and cat litter were until I had to start paying cash. She doesn't like cheap food or litter. I've tried to introduce them into her life. I put out inexpensive cat food and she didn't eat the entire day and meowed for two solid hours until she was hoarse one night when I got home from work, begging for the expensive stuff. I figured that she'd break down and eat the cheap stuff eventually. I was wrong. I felt like a bad cat mommy. So, I've caved. Thank goodness for cat food coupons.

I like wearing dresses again. I like the way I look and feel when I wear them. I like the attention and compliments I get. I'm willing to eat more salad and skip snacks so that I can fit into them. I've never really been a "pants" kind of girl. I think I would have been quite happy living in the 50s and 60s with those great Marilyn Monroe type dresses.

I'm thinking about moving some place else. Any place else. Away from here. A few weeks ago, I tried to make a list of all of the things I'd miss if I left Virginia and other than people and a dolphin watching cruise, I couldn't think of one wonderful thing I'd miss. I've been trying to fall in love with the place. I've been going to festivals and parks and events. I've been trying to keep an open heart and open mind. But, I don't feel like this is home for me anymore. I want some place smaller, quieter. Less congested. But, where? I am honestly thinking about putting all 50 states into a hat and picking one and just finding something there.

I keep having fantasies about what it would be like to be stranded on an island Blue Lagoon-style with a man. See bullet above about hormones.

I've turned my back on a friend who is having problems and I worry that Karma is gonna kick me in the metaphorical nuts. (Coz I don't really have nuts to be kicked.) I did it out of "tough love" because they need to make some decisions without my help or interference. I worry about them every day and wish I could fix things for them.

I was more adventurous with foods when I was a kid than I am now. I think back to how I would try just about anything when I was a kid but now, I'm pretty set in my ways and like what I like. I'd suck as a judge on a cooking show.

I think I'd enter into a relationship like that in 50 Shades of Grey with the right person.

I also think I'd probably try to make him fall in love with me, which would defeat the whole purpose of the relationship.

I considered suicide twice in my life. It doesn't matter when or why. In the end, the "hope" of something better kept me from actually doing it, but I came close both times. Had the letters written and everything.

I cry when I see dead animals on the side of the road and wonder what little animal family is missing a mom, dad, brother or sister. If it's a pet-type animal, I wonder what little boy or girl is missing their pet.

I sometimes think about jumping in my car and just driving away, leaving everything behind.

I talk back to television characters.

I still know most of the quotes and lines from FRIENDS. I've been watching it every night in repeats. Reminds me of a happier time. "When were you ever under me?"

I purposely included "mushy" songs in the play list that I gave a friend in hopes of softening him up a little because he always seems to be so down on love and anything remotely mushy, that I figured I could expose him to the music and he'd be less negative about it, so that maybe he'll be a happier person.

When I meet new people, I google them to see what I can find out about them, just for giggles. Nothing too deep. I also google myself every now and then to see what's out there about me.

Happiness and a positive outlook are great appetite suppressants. Even if you have to fake it.

I'm hopeful for change and new things in my life. Including, possibly, a relationship. I'm also thinking about looking into adopting or fostering a child once I get my money issues taken care of. I need a purpose. Something long term, emotional and serious.

You Oughta Know

2012-06-17T14:37:00.003-04:00

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

Do you think that we are intrinsically drawn to the same kinds of people without realizing it?

Someone from my past reached out to me recently and told me he has found someone and she is a blonder and thinner version of me. He told me all of the things he likes about her and they are all qualities I possess. We have similar careers and hobbies. He said the kind of car she drives and it's like mine, sort of. We both drive an SUV. The only real difference is that she has been married and I haven't been. He even said, "She's a lot like you." I have no desire to have him back in my life and as Adele says, "I wish him the best..." Still, makes me wonder... Does our heart automatically seek out people like other people we are attracted to/have been attracted to? Even in the friend category, do we replicate what we like over and over?

I found it odd that he wanted to tell me that he found "someone like me". I was flattered that he has chosen someone like me to be his life-partner. Still, it was a bit unnerving to discover that there is someone out there who can offer a man the things I thought were uniquely me. I didn't like hearing that she has a sarcastic sense of humor, can whip up a mean home-cooked meal, makes arts and crafty things for people's birthdays and loves animals. She likes to travel, entertain and hang out with friends in quiet settings. She loves to read and go to the beach. She is a development coach for a company and helps train/hire adults. She drives (badly) an SUV which he hates because he's avidly environmental and thinks Satan himself invented the SUV. Blah, blah, blah. I know he was telling me these things to prove to me that he can settle down with "the girl next door". We only dated briefly and remained casual friends since we stopped dating. I wasn't that serious about him but at the time, he was looking for someone more glamorous and I wasn't in the mood to be someone more glamorous. He thought his career was going a certain direction and he'd need the glossy trophy wife. I may clean up nice but I'm not into that lifestyle.

The whole email exchange has made me think, though, about the things that draw people to one another.

I have a friend who has been struggling with her feelings for a guy she knows. (Here's the shocker - for once, I'm not writing about me and my relationship woes.) She's a bit younger than me. We met through a previous job and kept in touch. I fancy myself the wise, older sister. She and this other young man work together on a charity project. When she first met him, she told me, "He's not like any guy I've ever met before. We clicked immediately. He thinks I'm smart, funny and cute. We flirt all the time. I think this is going to be great." (I'm taking creative liberties. It was two years ago. I can't remember the exact conversation, but basically, she met a wonderful guy who made her feel wonderful and treated her wonderfully.)

Over the course of the past couple of years, I've been privy to all sorts of endearing stories. He went to a zoo and he bought her a stuffed zebra because it had some sort of sentimental reason for them. She rode her first roller coaster because he dared her to do it. He called her on her birthday to sing to her, at the exact time she was born. They have pet names and special code for things they say to one another. She saves his texts. He likes to try to make her laugh when she's trying to be serious. Cute stuff. Stuff that Nora Ephron would be all over in Hollywood, set to upbeat Colbie Caillat music about finding that love that makes your whole world brighter than the sun. She swears that she is in love with him and that she "thinks" he's in love with her. She thought he knew how she felt about him. She said she tells him things all the time about how grateful she is that she met him. She tells him that she hopes she has him in her life forever. She said she even gave him a "love you, too" comment when he said something snarky to her and he winked at her. However... they have not as much as kissed. Two years.

Being me, I asked her, "Is he gay?" She assured me he's not gay and that they talk about sex all the time. They even flirt about it and he'll say things like, "I bet I could rock your world". Yet... nothing.

So, I asked her, "Is there a chance he's seeing someone you don't know about? Maybe he isn't available?" I even took it a step further and asked how often they go out and "how" he introduces her to people.

Yeah, I should have kept my mouth shut about that one.

He doesn't take her out. Ever. Their only interactions are at the charity events they do together with their mutual cohorts.

Turns out, he also has another female friend that he likes to do things with. My friend said that she's always known that the other friend exists. But, they've never met. She knows her name. She knows they lived in the same dorm "quad" in college and then later, in graduate school, they lived in a house with several other people. Now, they live in the same apartment complex.

Being me, being in a honey badger mood, I said to her, "You need to find out where you stand and why he won't let the two of you meet." (Now, I was not trying to incite drama. You know how much I hate that. I was just trying to encourage my friend who is 100% in love with this guy to make sure she wasn't setting herself up for heartache.)

Well, she was able to meet the female friend after much begging and fenangling, whom he insists is "just a friend" (you all know my feelings about that one).

She said to me that they were so much alike that it was scary. She said that if they had met in any other circumstances, she probably would have wanted to hang out with the woman because they got along that well. She said there was some awkwardness when the two women realized that they had no clue that the other even existed though. She said her male friend was kind of tense during the meeting and he seemed uncharacteristically silent. She said he wasn't his charming self and seemed almost afraid of what the two women would say to each other.

I asked her if he seemed to have any sort of attraction to the other woman or vice versa. She said that the other woman did act more like a girlfriend meeting her boyfriend's colleague than a female friend meeting her male friend's romantic interest. She said the woman was very touchy feely and used "we" a lot. She said that she mentioned their standing "date" to watch a certain TV show together. She did a lot of territory marking, according to my friend.

After she was done, I have to tell you, I didn't like the guy very much. I have never met him. They both live in Ohio. However, if I did meet him, I'd probably tell him to grow a set and make a choice. Pick one of the women.

I've been contemplating this. He is obviously attracted to a certain type. But, yet, he won't commit to either woman. That is bizarre and smacks of stunted emotional development. And sadly, as long as both women keep giving him what he needs without him having to choose, he'll keep on doing it.

I also had to think about sex. Two years is a long time for a man to not have sex. Women -- we can last longer because we have other ways of pleasing our needs (of course, this is just me justifying my dry spell). Men, and yes I'm generalizing, typically like to have some sort of warm body part every few months. So, is the territorial one a "friend with benefits" for him? I want to meet the man who can go longer than that because I want to marry him right now and then spend at least a week making up for our mutual dry spells. :)

I asked my friend if he ever mentions having sex or going on dates. She said no -- that in the two years she's known him, he's never gone out with anyone "else" (she still thinks they are dating) that she knows of. She said she doesn't see him/talk to him seven days a week, though, and their charity work only brings them together two or three days a week, if that. But, "We talk all the time" she said. She said that they talk in the middle of the night and during the day, when he's at work. She said that you'd think she'd know of something or someone if it was in his life. I asked if she's ever outright asked. She said she didn't want to know. She said that he goes away with his friends frequently to go to concerts and they all stay together in motel rooms to save on money and he never mentions any women or hooking up. I pondered, "Well, why would he?" I mean -- if he's afraid of risking his perfect set up, he's not going to say, "Got a little strange last night."

Long story short, my friend still thinks she's in the running with this guy and that at some point, he's going to choose her over the other woman. I'm thinking that unless she does something to set herself apart from the other woman, he's going to keep them both hanging on for as long as he can. He has his cake, brownies and cookies and can eat all of them if he wants to.

My friend emailed me a picture of the three of them together and physically, the two women are very different. My friend is a tall raven haired chick with curves. She's kind of sweet and innocent looking, though. She looks like a tall Katy Perry. The other woman is short, thin and blonde. Very petite and kind of fragile looking. Huge eyes. Meg Ryanish. The guy is attractive. Not model gorgeous or anything. Not anyone I'd imagine women fighting over, though. In the photo, he has his arm around the other woman and not at all on my friend. He is, however, looking directly at my friend with this look of adoration in his eyes, like he genuinely likes her, and is smiling at her. I get the feeling that he feels loyal to the other woman but wants to be with my friend. I think the other woman has probably some sort of hold on him and he's afraid to risk that for my friend. Wanna bet it's sex or money? ;)

The whole story is still unresolved. My friend is still being the perfect fake girlfriend and as far as I know, the other female friend is doing the same thing. If I were a guy, I'd be temped to high five him for his boldness and ability to snag two women who are personality-twins without having to commit to either one. I've removed myself from offering advice as I am having a hard time being objective. Maybe I should give her the link to the $5 psychic?

This brings me back to the whole "are we drawn to certain types of people?".

I'm not. At least, not romantically. If you were to line up all of the men I've dated and/or been "in love" (eyes rolled) with in my life, none of the look the same, act the same or talk the same. They come from different walks of life, have different colored hair, different colored eyes, and different body shapes. There were teachers, IT guys, managers, construction workers, motel workers, students, mechanics, artists, call center workers, co-workers ... Some were very serious. Some were not. Some were well educated. Some were not. Some "got" me. Some didn't. Some were funny. Some were not. As I evolved, my likes/dislikes evolved. I've usually tried to find someone who is not like me very much to help alleviate my whole "boredom" thing where I want to switch out something new after a few weeks. It wasn't until recently that I opened my mind to the whole concept of finding someone more like me who might be my equal instead of my opposite. We'll see how that works out.

Friends-wise - yes, I tend to gravitate towards the same kinds of people. Funny, witty, smart, caring, independent people. I like people who get my jokes and can keep up with me. Whenever I stray outside of my comfort zone, I usually have very short-lived friendships. I have a hard time socializing with people who can't keep up with my mind and jokes and who have lifestyles very different from mine.

There is a lot to be said for duplicity. Or replicating.. or whatever word you want to use.

It's not even a bad thing for dating... maybe. Dunno. One at a time until you figure out what the others were missing or what you really "need".

For the guy who picked the "someone like me", I was missing blonde hair and narrower hips... and an ex-husband. :)

(Despite my use of Alanis to intro this blog, I really am okay with not being the chosen one. In the future, I don't know that I'll take it quite so well.)

New Life

2012-06-10T20:22:00.000-04:00

I will buy you a garden
Where your flowers can bloom
I will buy you a new car
Perfect shiny and new
I will buy you that big house
Way up in the west hills
I will buy you a new life
Yes I will

Around this time last year, I had a dream that these men in suits showed up on my doorstep and told me that they were going to give me a new life. They couldn't tell me anything about it ahead of time except that it would be better than the life I had. There was one caveat - I had to be willing to walk out the door with them and leave my current life behind. I was allowed to bring three personal items from my house/apartment if I accepted their offer. I woke up before I could make up my mind.

I took a nap this afternoon and had a similar dream. Guess my subconscious wanted to give me a second chance.

In this dream, I was on a game show of some sort and the grand prize, which I won, was $1 million. But, as with most game shows, there was this twist. I could take the money and walk away and make of my life whatever I wanted to make of it, leaving the future in Fate's hands. OR... I could give back the money and be "given" the kind of life I wanted -- the kind of job, house, spouse, kids, pets, etc no questions asked. Guaranteed "perfection" and happiness. Which did I want? Money and uncertainty, but total control of my future? Or, a lifetime of knowing that I had everything I wanted without worry or effort?

Which do you think I chose?

In my dream, I chose the perfect life over the money. Certainty versus uncertainty.

They asked me what my perfect life consisted of and I told them the following:

I wanted a huge house in the huge grassy field where the "restaurant" stood in Goonies, facing the water. (I know this comes from the fact that the new hires and I were talking about favorite 80s movies this week and I told them that ever since I saw Goonies, I wanted to live in that little town, in the Goonie house, and own the Fratelli's restaurant. Ironically, I googled the town the other day and it actually met my "ideal place to live" requirements. 14 year old me must have been on to something.)
I wanted all of my bills paid off and $250,000 deposited into my savings account for emergencies.
I wanted a job teaching Kindergarten in the same school featured in Kindergarten Cop. (Which was filmed in the same town as The Goonies.)
I wanted a sailboat and a new car.
I wanted a man who loved me as me.

That was all I asked for before I woke up.

After I woke up, I started to think about what I'd really do if presented with this type of offer.

Would I take the money and run? (insert some Steve Miller Band...)

Would I design the perfect life?

Part of me thinks one million dollars (after taxes) won't go very far which means I would probably be wishing I had taken what is behind door # 2. I've worked hard for over two decades and I don't feel like I've gone very far with my life. I think back to what I envisioned for myself when I was Goonie age.

I was going to become a writer -- a magazine writer -- and travel the world. I was going to be fluent in foreign languages and live in penthouse type apartments. My boyfriends would have exotic names and all look like they walked out of a Soloflex (now Bowflex) commercial. I didn't own a car. I had a driver. I was glossy and glamorous. Plastic and vain. Superficial. Heart of ice.

Later, after high school, my perfect life involved becoming a grade school teacher, getting married to someone who was also involved in education, having 2 kids (one boy, one girl. Michael for the boy. Molly for the girl.) and a nice house in the 'burbs with a yard, pool and swing set. Maybe a dog and a cat. I'd be a stay at home mom/volunteer/PTA mom until the kids were school age and then go back to school, teaching in the same district they attended so I could be home when they got home. Disney vacations, road trips. Singing in the car. Mommy and Daddy on the couch, watching movies after the kids went to sleep. Playing Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy. I wore comfy dresses and comfy shoes. I wasn't too fat or too thin. Huggable and lovable.

After college, I wanted to be some corporate hot shot (Thanks to movies like Baby Boom and Working Girl) who had a fancy office, with an assistant. I wore tailored suits and told people what to do. I dated the company attorney, had sex in the conference room and worked long hours. I survived on coffee and coffee. I was practically anorexic. Heart of steel. Nerves of glass.

Later, much later, I decided I wanted to move to the beach, find a job that allowed me to have fun but not kill myself, make friends who would be with me through thick and thin, fall in love with the one guy who got my jokes and who thought of me last thing at night and first thing in the morning. I wanted a house near the beach. I wanted a peaceful life with home-grown vegetables, long walks on the beach, picnics, cookouts, sailing with friends. Bonfires with cold beer and someone playing music on a guitar. Bundling up in blankets and hoodies. Laughter. Building sand castles. A kid or two. A pet or two. A satisfying life filled with love and friendship.

In my life, I've been a grade-school teacher. I've been a workaholic. I've moved to the beach. I've traveled to big cities. I had a cat named Molly. I've gotten to help play Santa Claus to nieces and nephews. I've never had sex in a conference room. None of my romantic interests looked like male models. I do own comfy dresses and comfy shoes. I have a few really good friends. I've taken walks (alone) on the beach at both sunrise and sunset. I've been to Disneyland, but no kids were involved.

So, what would I put in this "perfect life" now?

My recent dream choices really aren't that far off. I think I'd take them. I'd live in Goonie-ville.

Except for the teaching piece. I'd like to substitute a writing job for the teaching job. I'm burned out teaching people stuff.

I want a Jeep Wrangler, 4-door, limited edition, in white as my car.

As for the house, I want it to have a "pet annex". I'd have the main house. Then, attached to the main house via some sort of walk way would be a "pet house", a place where I could shelter cats and dogs together so that they aren't lonely and so that I can take into consideration my poor, poor friends who have animal allergies and can't be in my house with the pets. (How does that happen? I have two male friends and both of them are allergic to cats!) This way, I can still have my animals and keep my friends, too.

As for the man, I think I've described him in great detail during the past year. But, in case you haven't been reading.... tallish, darkish, boy next doorish. Funny, smart, talent..... ok, ok, you know, I'm not going to do this. The most important thing about him is that he has a open heart and isn't afraid to love me. Period.

Sounds like a nice life, huh.

Where is this game show and how do I get on it?

No More Drama

2012-06-09T21:30:00.004-04:00

So tired, tired of this drama
No more, no more
I wanna be free
I'm so tired, so tired

Broken heart again
Another lesson learn
Better know your friends
Or else you will get burned
Gotta count on me
Cause I can guarantee
That I'll be fine

No more pain (no more pain)
No more pain (no more pain)
No drama (no more drama in my life)
No one's gonna make me hurt again

I had some of the most unique new hires this session. They were all nice women. Friendly, talkative. They all loved me and said that they felt like they knew me forever and that they would love to hang out with me. I'm always flattered when they (the new hires) feel like they've bonded with me.

That said, it was one heck of a week for drama, though.

I do not thrive on drama. I like a peaceful existence. I'm not prone to confrontation. Although, I can give as good as I get and could probably win a good debate or argument if I wanted to. I have passion in my blood. I often joke with a male friend that I want to make junk punching an Olympic sport and I want him to be my sparring partner. But, violence and drama are not my thing. Maybe it comes from growing up in a pretty volatile family with parents who fought all the time. Screaming and fighting are not my method of communication. I'm a lover, not a fighter. This doesn't mean I don't know how to raise my voice to be heard, though. I'm not a wimp.

So, the reason why I need to point this out is because these women seemed to want to inspire me to drama this week.

It actually started a couple of weeks ago when I filled in for a friend who was out sick and trained them for two days. I was sick myself and wasn't myself. I tried my best to be perky and happy with them, have fun with them and make a rather dry training topic fun. We did some ice breakers and get to know you stuff. As is normal these days, whenever I tell the new hires I'm single, this seems to cause alarm. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe they know something I don't know. In the current class, there were a couple of rather outspoken women who wanted to keep asking me questions about my love life. I would give them basic answers - "I loved someone once. Treated me badly. Cheated on me. I don't want that again." I figured I'd give them enough personal info to satisfy their curiosity and then get them off of my back. Oh, no.. Not this crew. "Girl, did you hunt her down? Did you tell her he was your man?" I made a face and said no -- that it never occurred to me to hunt down some woman and assert my "ownership" of a man. "He cheated on me. He slept with someone else. I found out from a mutual friend. He didn't even tell me himself," I said, as way of explaining. "Why would I want him back? He slept with someone else. Don't you get it? I don't want someone if they don't want me enough to keep it in their pants."

Yeah, no. They proceeded to give me advice on all of the things they'd do if they were in a similar situation. Then, I explained this was YEARS ago and I have no desire to dredge up the past. I've moved on. He's moved on. End of story.

Then, it was about sex. Did I have anyone in my life who was a "jump off"? What the heck is a jump off? Turns out it's a booty call. Someone to just do and that's it. Yeah, I explained to them (although I had no obligation to do so) that I'm old-fashioned and believe love and sex go hand in hand. I can't separate the two. I can't. That's just me. I need an emotional attachment with someone. They assured me that they were going to find me someone to be my jump off and then I'd change my mind. This actually scared me. They asked me what I liked in a man. I listed my grocery list of ingredients - smart, funny, open-minded, educated, clean-cut, smells nice, creative, witty... They stopped me. "No, girl. You are describing your soul mate. We're talking about the baser things. What turns you on? What does he look like? What kind of man do you want to wrinkle your sheets?" I thought for a minute. Then, I said, "Smart, funny, open-minded, educated, clean-cut, smells nice, creative, witty..." This frustrated them. They dropped the subject.

Then, they decided that I must already have someone and was just playing with them. They tried to trick me. Asked me the last time I went on a date. What was the most romantic thing that happened in my life recently. When was the last time a guy did something nice for me. Who was the last person to make me laugh. Who was I texting during breaks? Who was that guy I hugged in the hallway? Who is that guy who looks at my butt when I walk by him in the break room? I dodged many of the questions.

"Don't you want to get married?"
I don't know. I do want a commitment some day. I don't know if marriage is it, though. (This led to a discussion on what "commitment" meant to me. I already discussed this in my BOYFRIEND blog.)

"Don't you want to have a baby?"
Maybe. I don't know. Depends on the man. (This led to a discussion about biological clocks and adoption and how I'd be a good mom and a fun mom.)

I have a fairly good relationship with my male co-worker. You already know that if you read my blog. We have each others' backs. We have the same kind of sense of humor and can play off of each other. We also get along fairly well and enjoy talking to each other during breaks. We also eat lunch together. Occasionally, we text each other funny things. Mostly me texting him. But, I like to annoy him. It's how I roll. We don't hang out outside of work. I haven't earned that trust yet. Maybe someday.

They picked up on this friendship immediately, before I even had a chance to tell any of my usual "funny stories" about him. Since I was not giving them anything to work with in regards to the men in my life - past, present or future - they decided that they were going to focus on my friendship with him.

"You two are dating, right?"

No.

"OK, seriously, we won't tell anyone. Is there a policy against dating?"

There's nothing to tell. We're good friends. No, there isn't any policy.

"Have you ever dated a co-worker before?"

Not here. But, yes, I dated a co-worker before.

"Did it work out?"

I'm still single. What do you think?

"Would you date a co-worker again?"

Yes. Considering I spend 9 hours a day here, 5 days a week, I think here is probably where I will meet someone. (This led to a discussion about personal ads and I shared my dissatisfaction and frustration with personal ads.)

"Then, why aren't you two dating?"

We're good friends. Besides, I think he's seeing someone.

"You need to change that. Get him drunk. Do things to him."

No. That crap doesn't work. (This led to a discussion about how chick flicks have warped our minds into thinking that just because two people get along they have to be secretly in love with each other and that only through drunken sexual encounters do they realize it.)

"You get along so well. You're fun together."

Yes, we're fun together and get along well. We have a bond. That's why we're friends. I get along well with other guys, too. Do you want me to get them drunk, too? Do things with them?

"Yes! Are they single?"

(SIGH)

This led to them pointing out various men who walked by, talked to me, smiled at me, looked at me or slightly leaned in my direction.

And on and on and on it went. All week. Luckily, I'm smart enough to know what to say and what not to say. I kept giving them other things to talk about, usually about television shows and movies, every time they tried to insinuate more. Gave them more work to do. Gave them a quiz. I even got serious and tough and they got mad at me.

I assured them that we were good friends and that I didn't care what people thought of us spending time together. I like him and he likes me and we have fun together. Nothing was going to change that and as much as I appreciated their morbid fascination in my love life, I wasn't taking advice from them. I explained that I don't respond to peer pressure. They didn't like that. I wonder how they would have responded if I had said, "A psychic said we're meant to be just friends."? (laughing inside) I just think that they get so wrapped up in their drama that they can't understand two people who can get along as well as we do without us having some sort of drama of our own. What they don't realize is that he and I have the kind of friendship where we know what people say about him/us and we joke about it and then keep on doing our thing. We're both like honey badgers. We don't care. We are what we are.

I wasn't the only one they wanted to draw into their drama, though.

Each morning, while they booted up their systems and got ready for the day, they'd chat with one another and I'd fiddle with my papers, trying not to hear.

One girl talked about how she has a male friend who likes to hang out with her. However, he has a girlfriend who doesn't know he likes to hang out with her. She (the girl in my class) likes the male friend (of course she does!) and decided to let his girlfriend know she exists. The girlfriend drove to her place and "stared at her". She wanted to fight said girlfriend. I mocked her in my head. Yeah, that would go over real well. If I were a guy and two women got into a cat fight over me, I'd want nothing to do with either one of them. Too much drama.

Then, one of the other girls chimed in with the news that she had a male friend, too, whom she hung out with. (I'm starting to think "hang out" = have sex, which probably explains why my male friend won't accept my invites to "hang out" sometime. He probably thinks I want to have sex.) I innocently thought she was just hanging out with him -- watching movies, having dinner, talking -- until she announced in class that she was "having a miscarriage" and rushed out of the room. She was in the bathroom for awhile and then came back and said, "Whew, just my period!" My eyes goggled then. Obviously, she's doing something with the male friend if the possibility of a "miscarriage" came to mind over period. I mean -- I'm not having sex, so when Aunt Flo visits each month, I don't think "miscarriage" first. I shared this odd story with my male friend and we joked that each month, I should announce I had a miscarriage so we can all know when I might be less than perky. He even suggested I start naming them. I might get a baby book. I said I want to do a weather report. "Approaching us this week will be Agatha. She's scheduled to arrive in the vicinity on Wednesday, bringing bouts of crying and horniness. She's expected to linger for 3-5 days and then leave everyone peacefully..." (Yes, we really do talk about these kinds of things! I told him we could become a game like "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" because no matter what we talk about, we (and by "we", I mean "me") can usually discuss something to do with sex by the end of the conversation. I've already blogged about the "Junk" fixation.)

Another one liked to announce when she has toilet issues. "I was on the toilet for two hours. Must have been something I ate."

They eventually dropped the subject about me and my male friend and moved on to other men possibilities, but I'm sure, in their heads, there is some major thing going on that will involve drunken sex, me fighting with some woman in his life and possibly getting pregnant. Life is like that for them.

Not for me. I don't believe in "getting someone drunk" just to have them want to do things with me. I definitely would not use it to trick someone into a sexual relationship. Sex does not fix everything. I don't fight with women over men. That's just skanky. I believe in free will. If a man wants to be with me, he'll be with me. I'm not going to take out the competition. (eyes rolled) For the record, I tried the "getting someone drunk" thing once. It didn't work.

Here's the thing about me... I think life is too short for so much drama. It seems like I have this knack for collecting people who like drama. It's not just co-workers and new hires. After awhile, it wears me down.

I've been working really hard to have a positive outlook lately. I wrote about that in my last blog.

I have a few friends who have been going through some issues. They have been calling me to discuss their issues.

I am a problem solver. I tell people all the time -- "If you drop your problem on me, I'll help you find a solution. If you just want to vent, you need to tell me that or else I'll try to help you out."

Sometimes, they always want to vent and the solution to their misery is right in front of their faces -- leave the bastard, get a new job, save your money, move, delete the dating profile, see a doctor, cut up the credit cards, pay your bills, brown-bag it, stop texting him, stop sleeping with him.... The advice is simple and blunt but they don't want it.

So, I have been putting my foot down. I fix my problems. Yes, yes, I go through this "talk it out" period where I rehash everything. Analyze everything. Do a play by play of everything. Then, I go through this adjustment phase -- I cry a little, I bitch a little, I don't sleep.... I make up my mind. Then, I come up with a solution.

I joked about it on Facebook. I said the Darnell method of dealing with serious things is to ignore them until they go away OR they become so serious you have to deal with them. If they don't go away or escalate, they weren't really problems to begin with.

I've noticed I'm losing popularity with those who just want to be miserable. But, I guess that just means that maybe we weren't that great friends to begin with --- or maybe they just need their space to work this out on their own and I've been too enabling. Whatever. I'll be here when they are ready for me again. I'm loyal to my friends. I just need to remember who wants solutions and who doesn't. It's hard for me not to want to fix things.

I believe positive energy breeds positive energy.

An example of this - yesterday, my friend Janelle and I went to Harborfest in downtown Norfolk. I have made it my mission to try as many of the cultural events here as possible this year so that I can decide if I want to stay or want to go at the end of the year. I like to change things up and move around every few years. Maybe if I ever do meet someone and settle down, this wanderlust will change. However, right now, there's nothing keeping me here. I'm thinking West Coast for my next adventure, but... until then, I'm keeping an open mind about this area.

We walked around, took photos, joked and laughed. I told her stories about work and she told me stories about her family visits. Good times. Then, we settled in for the Colbie Caillat concert.

This woman asked if we minded if she sat in front of us. We said no, we didn't mind. Within minutes, we started chatting. I can talk to anyone. I guess it comes from my career choices. It's funny -- I was so painfully shy as a kid... and now, I can strike up conversations with just about anyone. I brought some dollar store glow sticks with me and it was the "arts and crafts" ice breaker we needed. We started making funny things out of them and wearing them and taking photos with them. I made jokes about sailors, meat on a stick, giant turkey legs, snipers on the roof, etc etc etc. I think there is just this comedian inside of me that feels the need to entertain. I was totally sober, too. I don't need alcohol to have fun. I never did. The woman kept saying how funny I was and how much fun she was having.

All I kept thinking was that this was the universe repaying me for having a positive outlook. Anyone could have sat down there. Anyone. The woman who looked like Justin Bieber. The couple who kept groping each other. The couple who sneered at us when we put our chairs near theirs. Instead, we got a nice, funny woman from DC who was as impulsive and goofy as we were. It made for great entertainment. We exchanged names and have since friended each other on Facebook.

When you decide to say good-bye to drama, good things happen.

And, no, really, I'm not dating anyone. Really.

I Don't Want To Be

2012-06-07T21:25:00.004-04:00

I don't want to be
Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do
Is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms
Wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one who noticed?
I can't be the only one who's learned!

I have a friend who tells me all the time, especially when I start to doubt myself, that she wishes that she could make me see myself the way she sees me. She said that if I could see myself the way that she, and all of the other people who care about me, see me, I'd be more inclined to have faith in myself, my decisions, my goals and my life.

I've been trying really hard this past week to do that.

Someone posted on Facebook a few weeks a question asking, "What's the difference between arrogance and confidence?"

I responded, "Confidence is knowing you can do something well. Arrogance is making sure everyone else knows it too."

I'm always afraid to toot my own horn because I don't want to seem arrogant. Inside, I feel like I'm a good person, a real person, someone to be valued and loved. However, I don't want to walk around poking people in the chest and saying, "Hey, look at me, I'm freaking awesome! If you can't see that and say that, get the f*ck out of my life." I'd like to. But, I can't.

Last Friday, I was off from work, trying to get over a sinus infection. A friend of mine was off from work, too, and IM'd me in the morning about her latest dating adventure. She's a bit of a personal ad wh*re. She is registered with just about every personal ad website known to man and always thinks I need to follow in her footsteps. I think she might be one of those people who can't be alone... who just doesn't know how to be alone... and has to have someone around. Well, if you read my BOYFRIEND blog, you know that I actually don't mind being alone on occasion. I get lonely, too, but for the most part, I enjoy my down time. My privacy.

So, if you ever want to sit down and try to prove to someone that you're freaking awesome and that you deserve all of the attention that being freaking awesome should get, try to write a personal ad. It's hard. You want to appear confident, but not arrogant. You want to seem genuine, but not corny. You want to sound sexy, but not freaky. You want to sound independent, but not aloof. On and on and on.

I need to point out that I'm still not interested in finding anyone right now. I have to get my money crap fixed first. I don't want to start any sort of relationship with anyone until it's taken care of. "Hi, you know that whole for richer or poorer thing, well, let me introduce you to the poorer part of the equation..." It's embarrassing to admit I've made a mess of my finances and that I am scrambling for a solution. I feel like I've failed in some way. I always take care of myself. Always. But, that's another blog for another time.

I was bored. Lonely. Sick. So, I placed the personal ad on a website for overweight women and the men who allegedly love them, a recommendation from my friend.

Yeah.. I should have read some of the other ads first. Within a couple of hours, I had a sexually oriented message from some guy in Norfolk who liked to "eat pussie, stick it in a woman's butt and then offer up some 69 for dessert..." I was more appalled, I think, by the misspelling of "pussy". I deleted the message.

A few days later, a couple asked me if I was interested in doing something with them. Deleted that one, too. Then, I deleted the profile, took a shower and reminded myself that these are not the kind of men I want in my life. Oh, I don't discount the power of oral sex... I just prefer that it not be so... trashy sounding. Also, with the whole rash of cannibalism, I'm afraid I might be too much good eating for someone. As one of the cooks on the Food Channel says, "Fat is flavor." I think it was Emeril.

I digress. Over the weekend, I empowered myself to go out and do some things I wanted to do on my own. I wanted to do them with others but no one was available or interested so I decided to go by myself.

Then, I decided I was going to work really really hard to see myself the way my friend who thinks I'm beautiful sees me. I wore clothing I wouldn't normally wear. I walked prouder. I stood taller. I smiled more. I even got a full body scan from a guy. Ok, yes, a kind of sleazy guy but a guy nonetheless. Guys don't check me out. I admit I smiled as I walked away. In fact, I think I may have swayed the hips a little more than normal. What the f*ck, right?

Then, another thing happened... someone took an interest in my life. Asked me questions about me. Wanted to know about me and what makes me tick. Said that I seemed like an interesting person and that they felt I had stories to tell. I'm usually the one who does all of question-asking and information sharing, even if people don't ask. Now, the person is not a romantic contender. He's a married man whom I know through an old job who has been asking me to help him with something. We've been emailing and I shared a personal story with him about something in my life that happened that is similar to something he is doing. He wrote back and asked me some questions. Said he was curious about me. Said I always seemed kind of mysterious and private. He doesn't know about this blog, obviously.

However, his questions made me think back to a time when I met this guy on a forum on CompuServe and we had these "Questions Du Jour" that we emailed each other. We'd take turns asking all sorts of questions -- from favorite foods to favorite childhood memory to scariest moment or funniest thing that ever happened to us. It was fun. I looked forward to that. I looked forward to getting to know him better and having someone be curious about me. With all of the technology, social media, navel gazing and "ice breakers" at work, there are bits and pieces of me all over the place and I'm sure I've made it way too easy for people to think they know who I am. (But, do you really? I mean - really? I was an editor. I'm a writer. How much of this is real? How much is fantasy?)

The point of this rambling is that I've decided I'm done trying to be what other people want me to be... or what I think other people want me to be. I don't want to be anyone other than who I am. Really. People seem to be interested in the "real" me and not the "semi-real" me. Maybe I need to be me more often.

If that means wearing a shorter dress that shows off my big ole butt, I'm going to wear it. If it means wearing a long maxi dress with a plunging neckline, yup, I'm gonna wear it. If it means hanging out on break with a male friend and whom people think has more going on than friendship, I'm gonna hang out with the male friend and think to myself he'd be damned lucky to be linked to me as more than a friend. If it means not going to the gym because I just don't feel like it and would rather come home and curl up with a good book, than that's what I'm going to do too.

One of the new hires in my current class asked me about a time in my life when I was slimmer and asked me to bring in a photo. The only photo I could find had me and this man I used to think I was madly in love with in it. I looked at the photo with sadness because although I was thinner, I wasn't entirely happy. The "thinner" me was that way to try to win his love. So, seeing the photo again made me feel sad. I don't want to change to try to make a man love me.

I think I saw a glimpse of what my friend sees in me when I stood in front of the mirror on Tuesday trying to take a cell phone picture on a dare and realized I need to stop hiding what God gave me and start embracing who I am.

If my wonderful friends can love me as I am, it's just a matter of time before I believe it all the time, too.

I may even ditch the granny panties and invest in some condoms. I'm feeling that good about myself right now. =)

Intuition

2012-06-03T19:52:00.003-04:00

It's not hard to understand
Just follow this simple plan

Follow your heart
Your intuition
It will lead you in the right direction
Let go of your mind
Your Intuition
It's easy to find
Just follow your heart baby

I consider myself a fairly intuitive person. I get vibes on people when I meet them. Now, I don't always listen to those vibes and end up later telling myself, "I told you so..." but for the most part, my insides usually let me know when things are going well with people and when they aren't. I can pick up a bad mood or pain as soon as I come within 5 feet of someone I care about. A friend calls it being an empath. I have these little alarms that go off inside of me whenever something or someone doesn't feel quite right. I can usually walk into a room and pick up on tension, aggression, etc. Sadly, I sometimes let these feelings get to me. If someone is having a bad day, especially someone I care about, I pick up their bad feelings. I can usually filter out the bad feelings of people whom aren't particularly close and just want to vent or let off steam. Those I can block and go about my day. I'm constantly asking people, "Are you okay?" because I can just "feel" that things are off. Most of the time, I get "I'm okay" as a response but I can see by the look in their eyes that it kind of throws them off when I ask it when they aren't visibly doing anything to indicate they are not themselves.

However, when it comes to matters of the heart -- love, romance, etc -- my intuitive skills fail me. Absolutely leave me in the lurch. I confuse friendship for romance. I confuse romance for friendship. I misread signs or don't see any at all. I am drawn to people who use me and toss me aside. I overlook people who would place me on a pedestal and worship me. I try to listen to my heart. I try to use the same skills I have for other situations on the men in my life (past and present) and I am a bumbling fool. No success whatsoever.

That being said, I believe in clairvoyance and psychic ability. I've mentioned it before. I believe there are people who have very advanced skills in reading people's energies and auras and using their own intuition to answer the dilemmas we all face. They can't give out lottery numbers. They can't tell me who I'm going to marry and when. They can't tell me what my next job will be. It just doesn't work that way. However, they can give me peace of mind when I start to doubt myself.

A close friend has these skills. I reach out to her constantly whenever I get a little insecure about things. I'll say to her, "OK, here's what I'm thinking...." or "Here's what I feel it might be..." and give her my own interpretation and gut instinct on things and she'll either confirm what I was thinking and/or feeling or she'll give me her own spin on the situation, using her own skills and guides. She never ceases to impress me with how dead on she has been with people and situations. She can totally nail things based on very little information.

That said, I rely on her too much. TOO MUCH. Over the weekend, I did some soul searching about Mr. Tingles (the male friend whom I romanticized in my mind as having the potential to be more than just a friend.) and realized that in some ways, I wish I hadn't asked her to do so many readings on "our" energy. Whenever I'd get a little confused with him, I'd run to her. She'd give me her feedback, do a reading and then I'd do the complete opposite of what she told me would probably be best for the situation.

I'm an optimist. I'm a romantic. I always believe that if I shower people with positivity, love and kindness that it will be the thing that turns someone's sour soul around. I believe that I can reverse negative thinking. I believe in the good of people.

So, to give her a break, last month, I reached out to another psychic. A $5 psychic. First, I tested the psychic's ability by asking for advice on something I already sort of knew the answer/outcome. When he/she passed the test, I hit her/him with the "do I have any sort of romantic chance with the men in my life?" I have several straight (I think), single male friends. I am not dating anyone. So, it would be so much easier for me if one of these men with whom I already have a connection of sorts could be my hunka hunka burning love. I'd feel more confident. I'd be more likely to take a chance. Go out on a limb.

Nope. Nada. None of them. My friend has sort of told me the same thing. She has told me which men has strong positive energy and which ones don't. But, she didn't see anything romantic with any of my male friends. Bummer, right? So, the other psychic told me the same thing. It's like thinking you're pregnant and buying every pregnancy test in the store. 50 of them come back positive and 1 comes back negative. You latch on to the negative one, hoping it was the correct one, even though the odds say otherwise. That's how I was with these readings. The $5 psychic said, "At this moment...." My friend said, ".... until he resolves issues...." Those statements were not drop-dead "No"s to me. "At this moment" became "Maybe some day in the future, it will be different..." in my head. "...until he resolves issues..." became "... help him resolve his issues, and he'll be yours!" in my mind.

Nevermind that the $5 psychic told me that one of the men in question would do something during a specific time period that would negatively change my opinion of him and something did happen during that time period and it did make me change my opinion of him... or, well, it made me thing of him poorly for a period of time, then I went right back to liking him again.

So, I chug along like the little engine that could. Waiting for "at this time" to expire. Waiting for "issues to be resolved."

It's emotionally exhausting. I don't usually doubt myself. I feel like I'm on this pendulum swinging back and forth between "being sure of myself" and "being insecure of myself."

Just when I start to swing towards sureness and security, something will happen to swing me back the other way. A flirtatious comment. Someone telling me that they think someone "likes" me. A tingle. A vibe. I get hopeful. Then, something goes wrong and I crash.

Last night, the $5 psychic reached out to me to "follow up" on the advice he/she gave me last month and asked if the events they mentioned came true. I advised the person that, sadly, the events did in fact occur and that there was no sign of romance. He/she wrote me back that nothing had changed -- that they could tell me 100% that this one person in my life is not meant for me. They have someone else. We are only meant to be close friends and nothing more. Ever. This time, the psychic actually put a nice cemented end statement. "Ever" But, to give me hope, he/she said that they saw positive changes in my life this fall and romance for me in October.

This led me to posting a question on Facebook last night -- if someone were to tell you with 100% confidence that someone in your life was not meant to be in your life, would you just walk away from that person or would you try to prove the other person wrong?

I tend to believe everything happens for a reason and that we are masters of our own destiny. Our future path may have some pre-destiny, but I think we can change things too. Think about Dickens' A CHRISTMAS CAROL. Scrooge was able to change his life path. Why can't we?

Of course, this could just be my stubbornness showing through. My inability to let go of things that are important to me.

But, then, there's another part of me that seeks the peace that comes from knowing that the person who causes me to question myself and who makes my heart hurt on occasion isn't meant for me. I can let go. I can let the chips fall where they may and know I did my best and that it just isn't meant to be. I'm a square peg. He's a round hole. Even if I sand the square peg down and make it fit into the round hole, it wouldn't be natural. It wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be true. I can enjoy the good stuff and use it to build my confidence for when my Mr. Right does show up. I can be a friend. I'm good at being a friend.

My gut tells me and has been telling me that this person is possibly in love with someone else even though he won't admit it to himself. I also think someone hurt him badly and he's afraid to take a chance with that person or anyone else. He likes to play the field but deep down wants one person to prove to him that he's wrong about his thoughts on women and love. I'm safe -- like all of the gay men in my life are safe for me. He can be himself with me. He knows I'll like him no matter what and have his back no matter what. We're meant to be friends. Nothing more. I'm okay with that. The psychic said it, so it has to be true.

I need to trust my own intuition.

And resist the urge to ask the $5 psychic for more information about the "October Romance".

Rock Star

2012-05-28T20:11:00.001-04:00

I'm gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I'd even cut my hair and change my name

'Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We'll all stay skinny 'cause we just won't eat
And we'll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger's
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blond hair

Hey hey I wanna be a rockstar

I was watching the movie New Year's Eve this afternoon, a Redbox 50% off rental. It has Josh Duhamel in it. That alone made me rent it. Luckily, it didn't cost much because the movie sucked. I normally like chick flicks but this one did not hold my interest. The best part of the entire movie was that there was a storyline about a 40something woman who has this list of resolutions she wanted to do before 2011 ended, so she hires a hot bike messenger half her age to help her make the list come true. He seemed like fun and helped her come out of her shell. He thought of creative ways to help her cross off her list.

Anyhoo -- Josh Duhamel. He's on my list of "Five Celebrities I'd Do It With".

There was an episode of FRIENDS back in 1996 where Ross had this laminated list of the celebrities he was "allowed" to have sex with if the opportunity ever arose. Isabella Rosellini was on his draft but didn't make it to the final list and then he meets her and tries to convince her that she was on his "list". She has this great comeback about how someone like him was on her original list too, but got cut. I think. It was 16 years ago.

At the time, my list was quite different. Mid-90s. Hmmm... yeah, I'm sure that there were a few odd choices. Probably a lot of alternative rock musicians. I think there's a dirty wh*re groupie inside of me some place.

However, I tweaked the list a few years ago, when I was in a quasi-relationship, and that list has kind of stood the test of time. I created the list to help take my mind of the sucky quasi-relationship. Everyone has a celebrity they wish would ride in on a white horse, right? (Guys, if a woman ever asks you this, the answer is, "No, honey, you're all I need. Sofia Vergas' accent is annoying and I'm sure her breasts are fake." Gals, if a guy ever asks you about a list, deny it. Fervently.)

Anyhoo, my list. As of right now.

Josh Duhamel. He was on that show Las Vegas and some soap opera before that, but I fell in love with him in the movie WIN A DATE WITH TAD HAMILTON. He's tall, has boyish good looks and seems to be kind of charming. I remember googling him and finding out he's from the midwest and actually wanted to be a dentist. Anyway, there's this scene in TAD HAMILTON where he is trying to chop wood with an axe and he takes off his shirt and .... let's just say that the man has a body. A nice nice body. He was placed on my list for the pure lust factor alone. Then, I discovered he had been a male model at one point and did a series of nude poses. (The link takes you to the nude poses, so if you don't want to see him naked, don't click the link.) They are still circulating on gay men websites. He appears to be rather endowed. At least it seems large to me. It's kind of difficult to tell in a photo. I'd have to see him in the flesh to know for real. And then have someone else to compare it to. I'm not entirely sure I remember what the real thing looks like. He has stayed on my list because he seems like a genuinely nice guy. I've seen him on talk shows and aside from being Fergie's (from the Black Eyed Peas) main squeeze, he doesn't like to draw attention to himself. He is big into charitable events, animals, kids and seems fairly humble. Man, could you imagine going to the dentist for a root canal and having that walk into the room?

Rick Springfield. Come on, you knew he'd be on my list. I've had a crush on him since 7th grade. He's the epitome of tall, dark and handsome. And he's a musician. I admit my adoration of him faltered a little when I read his biography and he admitted to having issues with sexual addiction and cheating on his wife. I wanted to pretend I hadn't read that. However, he also freely admitted to having problems with depression, too, something I also battle and it made me feel a kinship with him. I totally understood the feelings he described. So, Rick stays on the list for nostalgia purposes. I'm sure actually doing it with him would ruin the fantasy but I would love to say, "I slept with Rick Springfield!" Maybe even wear a "Jessie's Girl" nightshirt afterwards. If I can't have him in my bed, then I'd love it if he could sing at my wedding, if I ever get married. I also like to point out that I've been faithful to him for over 30 years... and if I can be faithful to him for that long, I might actually stand a chance at a real marriage some day. Of course, I'm getting older and the chances that I'll actually be alive for a 30 year marriage get slimmer each year, but hope springs eternal.

Matthew Fox. I had a crush on him when he was the big brother, the responsible brother, on PARTY OF FIVE. Then, when LOST appeared on television, I was re-smitten. Tall, dark, handsome, kind of broody, kind of self-deprecating... He has this "little boy lost" thing to him where you want to take him in your arms and ask him to tell you everything that is bothering him and then try to help him battle his demons. (Ok, Ok, that was his character "Jack" but since I can't have sex with a fictional character, the actor will have to suffice.) I have a thing for potentially troubled men. Not because I want to fix them, but because I've been troubled myself in the past and would love to have a soul mate who understood personal demons, and not getting enough love as a kid, and having daddy issues... who would turn around and open up his arms to me and let me tell him all of my secrets, too.

Jason Mraz. Not quite so tall or handsome. Yet, he has this gentle, boy next door spirit. I do not like his current crunchy granola phase. I am not a fan of long hair on a man. Especially long hair that looks better than any wig I could ever buy. Especially when I can't grow long hair myself. I fell for Jason when I heard his song "You and I Both" from his WAITING ON MY ROCKET CD. I think it was 2004ish. My friend Janelle and I were driving around in her car, here in Virginia, while I was on vacation from Ohio. I knew his song THE REMEDY. I hadn't heard the entire CD though. We listened to it over and over and then she burned it for me to take home for me. I still have it in my car. When he sang, "I'm all about them words... over numbers, unencumbered numbered words.. pages, pages, pages forward...", I felt a connection. I'm all about words, too. True, his words are song lyrics. Mine are blog posts, Facebook status updates and the occasional business writing, but WORDS... WORDS are sexy. I'm all about creativity. I love a man who can do things with the written word. Tell me a story. Write me a poem. Write me a song. He's also quite the entertainer. He can sing the sh*t out of anything -- from Frank Sinatra, to the Beatles, to the Bee Gees to opera. He also has a fairly upbeat personality and tries to write songs that are positive. He doesn't write about how depressed he is that a relationship ended. He writes about what he learned about it and how he became a better person from it. Oh, and he raps, too. I love Geek in the Pink. I've read posts on forums that he's not so nice in real life and has a bit of a temper if things don't go his way, but... I wouldn't expect perfection from anyone.

The #5 slot... well, this one keeps changing. The top 4 - locked in. However, # 5 changes. It's my wildcard. Someone funny? Will Smith or Jimmy Fallon. Someone mature and sexy? George Clooney or Harrison Ford or Tom Hanks. Someone young and sassy? Ryan Gosling or Ryan Reynolds. Too many choices. Gerard Butler? Richard Gere? Hugh Grant? Keanu Reeves?

I'd like to think that #5 is being held open for my "real life" leading man -- the person who has a little bit of everything so that he makes # 1-4 pale in comparison.

My Message Doesn't Make It Through

2012-05-27T17:39:00.000-04:00

I'd go beyond our fighting borders
If you needed that from me
I'd march with decorated soldiers
To get your pretty eyes to see

Well, I would bring your morning coffee
Then I'd wrap you up in me
I'd kiss your belly and your shoulders
Cover blankets on our feet

So slow down
There's some kind of blessing here
But you have missed your cue

So keep your eyes set on the horizon
On the line where blue meets blue
And I would let that silver lining
Where I know it'd find you soon

'Cause I have sailed a 1000 ships to you
But my messages don't seem to make it through

A friend of mine states that dreams help you heal... help you make decisions that you may not feel comfortable making in the daylight. I'm a believer that our dreams guide us. Walt Disney said that dreams are wishes our hearts make. I'll take it a step further and add that they are also the answers we seek, the problems we are trying solve and the lifestyles we want to live.

I've always been a dreamer. Even when I was a kid. I would always wake up and say, "Oh, I had a dream about...." and my mom would say, "Don't tell your dream before breakfast." It was some old wives' tale or superstition about bad dreams coming true and good dreams not coming true if you told them before breakfast. So, now whenever I have a dream I want to tell someone, I make sure I eat something before I tell it.

I've been having a series of dreams involving the same people and similar issues. All are matters of the heart and all deal with me having to make a decision of some sort.

I was awake early this morning. Before 8:00. Of course, I was in bed last night by 11:30, so I'm sure that had something to do with it.

I putzed around the house for a bit this morning and then took a nap at noon. I slept with Abby for two hours. I am fairly certain that I was probably a cat in another life. I love sleeping. Abby loves sleeping. She loves it when I look at her and say, "Mommy wants to go to bed bed." She runs to my bedroom. Cats can be taught to understand some English. She knows "bed bed" and "food food". Oh, and "bird".

I had another work-related dream.

In my dream, it was my last day at work, by my choice. I get the feeling I had gotten a better job some place else and didn't want to give two weeks' notice so I was just going to work right up til the last moment and not come back. This was that "last moment".

It was a little before 3:00 in my dream and I wrote a male friend this email telling him that I loved him as a friend and thought he had potential and that it was heartbreaking that whomever hurt him prevented him from taking a leap with me as a friend outside of work. Told him I enjoyed working with him and the strong connection we had and how I've never had such a strong connection with anyone, male or female, before. Said that I would have told him sooner that I was leaving but I'm not good with goodbyes and I didn't want him to see me cry. Told him he knew how to find me when he decided he wanted me in his life (no "if"). Told him where I was going and that they had openings he qualified for, too. I added a few more compliments and words of encouragement, as if to prove to him that he had worth in my life and that I had worth in his life.

I felt a little sad and yet a little relieved when I was done composing the email. I was hopeful that he'd want to get together and be friends once I was gone, but there was this part of me that felt that he just wasn't ready to leave his comfort zone and for whatever reason, I felt that I scared him.... that he didn't quite believe that I was for real -- that I could be so nice, so smart, etc. I kept hearing that going through my head - as if I were chaneling his thoughts. The reason why he hadn't taken our friendship out of the workplace was that he had been hurt or burned by people in the past who seemed too good to be true and he was just waiting for my true colors to surface so he could say I was like everyone else. I wanted to prove him wrong, wanted him to sit down and talk to my other friends who know me and who could assure him that I really am who I am, and that it's just not in me to purposely hurt and/or use someone. I didn't write these things. These were the thoughts I had as I re-read the email before hitting send. Part of me wanted to add them but was afraid he wasn't ready for so much honesty from me.

I hit send, gathered my personal belongings and headed for the door, planning on leaving before anyone noticed. It was 3:15. I figured I was safe because it was not a break time and my male friend was supposed to be working and I didn't think I'd run into him.

As I was heading towards the door, my dept manager stopped me and said there was an important meeting I needed to attend and he was sorry for the last minute announcement and asked if I could please go to the conference room. I contemplated saying "Oh, I just quit" and making a dash for it but he intimidates me. So, I went into the room with my stuff (my purse, my lunch bag, my potted plant) and took a seat near the door.

The room filled up with people and lo and behold, my male friend is one of the people. He takes a seat in the back of the room, directly in my line of vision. He is glaring at me, so I know he got the email.

I kept squirming and looking out the window, down at the table, etc I did not want to make eye contact.

The meeting started and it was about some lawsuit we had to research, which was odd because we don't deal with lawsuits. The manager was droning on about the details. I could feel my friend just staring at me. I looked up and he crooked an eyebrow at me. I shook my head. Looked away. I looked at him again and he made his eyes huge and quizzical. I looked down. This went on for awhile. I'd look at him, he'd try to talk to me through his eyes, I'd look away. I could imagine his thoughts and questions and a huge "What the f*ck?" kept cycling. He was confused. Hurt even.

Finally, I couldn't take it any more and jumped up and said I had to go and grabbed my things and left.

I headed to my car but when I got to my car, I couldn't find my car keys. I went back inside to ask security if they had seen my keys and my male friend came out into the lobby, holding them.

He told me I had dropped them in my rush to leave and told me he wasn't letting me leave. I told him I couldn't stay. He said that he needed me there. I told him I didn't belong there. He told me I belonged. I said that I wished what he said was true but it was too late, I had already scheduled my resignation email to go out at 5:00. It was 4:45.

He told me it was never too late - for anyone. I knew he meant more than my resignation. I just stood there looking at him, trying to decide what I wanted to do.

Then, I woke up.

This past week, a male friend did something that showed me that he could walk away from me in a heartbeat, without looking back, without any emotional or sentimental attachment. It hurt. A lot. I realized I have invested a lot of myself in him. But that's how I am. When I care about people, I jump in 200%. I always just assume that everyone else is the same way.

I guess the big thing in this dream is that I want to be wanted. I want to know that if I left tomorrow that someone would want me to stay, would miss me, would fight for me. (Not just him, but others as well.)

I've been trying to make new friends but one by one, they have not been what I need in life or want in life. We struggle to make small talk or just don't have enough in common to make it past the first few friendly outings.

This past week, I had a new hire who decided he wanted to be my life coach.

For whatever reason, he decided that my life is lacking several key ingredients.

The more I insisted that I was fine with things the way they are, the more he wanted to help me.

Had it been my male friend above, I would have been flattered that he cared so much and knew me so well. However, this was a virtual stranger, someone I hadn't told much about my life and someone I wasn't entirely sure had my best interests in mind.

First, he started with finding me a husband. I told him I wasn't looking for anyone. I told him I wasn't even trying to date anyone right now. I shared a small snippet of some of my dating horror stories and shared with him that I am just not ready to plunge headfirst into any sort of relationship right now. (This is the truth -- if getting too close to a male friend is painful, I can't even imagine opening my heart 100% to someone who has the power to rip it to shreds and hand it back to me.) He (the new hire) didn't believe me. He said that everyone was looking for someone, even if they say they aren't. He tossed out all sorts of suggestions which I kept saying no to. We even got to the point where he was going to pimp me out to men in his native country. I kept laughing him off and telling him I wasn't interested. I told him when the time is right, it'll happen. He argued that if I don't meet people, then there won't be anyone to make it happen with. I told him I had other things to take care of right now and once I have those things in order, then I'll put myself back out there. He kept pushing all week with this. Asking me what I wanted in a man, why I was so cautious, why I didn't take more risks... and I just kept laughing him off. Changing the subject. He is recently married and thinks everyone should be married. I told him I'm not entirely sure marriage is for me. He did not believe me. He said I'm just saying this because it's easier than admitting I do want it.

Then, it was a house. He said I needed to put down roots. Buy a house. Make it my home. Stop renting. Start investing. Again, I told him I'm not ready. Most people have a "dream house" in their heads. I don't. I never lived in a house growing up and aside from super expensive beach houses that only lottery winnings could buy me, I haven't put much thought recently into my dream home. When I was a kid, I would take graph paper and create elaborate floor plans of the dream house. At one point, I was really into Victorian houses. Another, I was into cottage style homes. Modern. Old-fashioned. One level. Multi level. I change my mind often. Stucco? Brick? Wood? Too many decisions. Too much responsibility. I explained to him that I like that if an appliance breaks, I call a rental office. If I own a house and appliance breaks, I have to foot the bill for repairs. I don't have to buy lawn mowers and snow shovels. I don't have to worry about storm proofing and wiring. I can leave whenever I want, within reason. I'm not tied to a mortgage for 30 years in an economy where I might not be able to re-sell the house later. He was not convinced. He even went as far as asking me to run my numbers through a mortgage calculator to see how much house I could afford. With my current income and debt to income ratio, I would only qualify for $100,000. Now, in some areas, that would buy quite a bit of house and land. Not here. Not at all. I think that was an eye opener for him. So, his solution is that I need to find someone to marry who has a better DTI and the same or more income so that we can afford twice as much house. He even suggested that I look outside of Virginia Beach, into some the neighboring "farm like" communities. I humored him and looked at some houses on the internet Thursday night but nothing jumped out at me. I tried to explain to him that my credit is shot, my savings are gone and my finances suck right now. Until I take care of that, I cannot focus on a husband or home.

Then, that opened the door for financial advice. When we finished with that, he moved on to fitness. Then, spirituality.

By the end of the week, I was absolutely exhausted. I was happy to see him go. While amusing and great for lunch-time conversation, he wore me out. Made me question things. I'm not ready to question things. I want some peace.

On Friday, he hit with me the following "riddle" to see what kind of problem solving skills I had and where my priorities lie.

"You are driving a small two seat car. It's late, dark and rainy. You drive into the forest and there are three people standing in the middle of the road who need your help. One is a man/woman who saved your life at one point. One is a pregnant woman who may be ready to give birth. One is the man you are meant to spend the rest of your life with. Who do you help?"

I asked him if I could come up with an unrealistic solution - like having everyone hold on to the car roof - and he said no.

He gave me 10 minutes to think about it.

My solution: I'd give the car to the person who saved my life and ask that he/she take the pregnant woman to wherever she needed to go, then I'd stay in the forest with my soul mate and he and I would find our own way out of the woods together. I figured it would give us some nice alone time plus see how well we cope with situations like that.

He said I was someone who could think outside the box, who was creative and who was a romantic. I just laughed.

He also said it meant I wanted someone to help me with my problems.

Hmmm...... considering I've already written about that (and he doesn't have access to my blogs), I'd say he's a pretty smart one. Right on the nose.

His message made it through.

Now, why don't mine to other people in my life?

Boyfriend

2012-05-20T18:36:00.003-04:00

If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl, you'd never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I'd never let you go, I'd never let you go

Tell me what you like yeah tell me what you don't
I could be your Buzz Lightyear fly across the globe
I don't never wanna fight yeah, you already know
Imma make you shine bright like you're laying in the snow

Girlfriend, girlfriend, you could be my girlfriend
You could be my girlfriend until the ---- world ends
Make you dance do a spin and a twirl and
Voice goin crazy on this hook like a whirl wind

Yes, I quoted Justin Bieber. No, the world is not ending. Yet.

This is blog # 2 for the day. # 3 for the weekend. Jump in and read 'em all.

On Friday afternoon, I was chatting with some of the new hires, winding down with them after a stressful week, helping them decompress a little before they went their ways for the weekend.

One of them asked me if I was single. I hate that question. I always feel like I need to justify why I have no one in my life. I said that yes, I was single. No, I'm not looking. Then, she asked why I was single. I am always flattered when someone seems shocked I'm still single.

I let the eHarmony ad run its course. No takers. Closed my account. They send me emails from time to time inviting me back. Um, no thanks. I still have an ad on Zoosk and have gotten a few bizarre emails and messages but when I wrote back, they never did. I have a feeling they were "net casting" emails. Meaning the men sent a general message to a lot of different women seeing who responds and then tosses back the ones that they don't want to keep. I think I probably got tossed back. Or maybe they weren't real to begin with. I think Zoosk probably generates messages to try to get you to buy a membership. I'm too cheap to pay for something I don't have faith in.

The truth is - I have no desire to date. I hate dating. I suck at dating. I've mentioned this before and I'm not going to rehash it. However, I realize that if I want to stop being single, I need to date. My soul mate, or a reasonable facsimile, isn't just going to show up on my doorstep with a bouquet of gerbera daisies, a mixed tape of Jason Mraz/Colbie Caillat/Jack Johnson love songs and home-made lemon bars and declare his love for me. I may joke about believing in unicorns and glitter, but I know I'm going to have to put forth some effort to find romance. I don't have the desire to do it. I am not actively looking for romance. Or a boyfriend. I'm kind of ... disinterested ... in men at the moment.

I don't like the whole "pretense" thing that comes with dating. The whole false advertising that we're both required to do until we feel comfortable enough with each other to stop using facades. The slimming underwear, the tanning bed, the perfectly coiffed hair... The witty stories and interesting activities. Best behavior all the way.

I hate getting my hopes up. I enjoy the infatuation and getting to know you stage that comes with dating. I hate the inevitable lull where reality sinks in and we start to notice each others' quirks and habits... in a bad way. He drums his fingers. I talk with my hands. He cracks his knuckles. I pop my gum. He cusses at people in traffic. I stop short when I brake the car. The rosy glow of romance turns into the hazy grayness of "you're just like..." and everything comes to a screeching halt.

So, I've been bouncing around this thing in my head for a couple of months now. It's called the Saturday Night/Sunday Morning boyfriend.

I'm not talking about a FWB, a friend with benefits. I want some sort of commitment. I want the "L" word ("Love" not "Lesbian"). I want passion, flirting, desire and lust. I want the private jokes and private smiles. I want texting, sexting, and phone sex. I don't want some guy who just happens to be in my life ease into some hookup that leads to him staying over on Saturday nights. I want a boyfriend. Not friend who is a boy. I want him to be thinking of me (and vice versa) Monday - Friday and eventually hope to have some sort of "happily ever after" with me. I'm not so sure I'm cut out for marriage but I want to know I'm not the second choice until something better comes along. I'm open to a male friend becoming a boyfriend but I don't want the "too comfortable" friends with benefits thing where there is no real commitment and no real passion. That is kind of lazy. And confusing. Someone is always more invested in that situation and because it is so vague and commitment-less, it isn't for me. I'm usually the one who falls in love and he's the one who moves on to someone else. I'm all about definitions and knowing where things are going. The "comfortable" thing can come when we're old and gray. I'm a woman -- not a pair of comfy socks.

I think of Jason Mraz's song "If It Kills Me". It's about a man who is friends with a woman and he is in love with her and hopes she can figure this out by his actions. He hopes he gives himself away so that she can finally see what he feels. We've all been there. I've been there. There's a video on YouTube of Jason performing this live. In his introduction, he talks about male-female friendships/flirtationships. He mocks the whole thing and he says, "I can hear you. I can smell you. I can see you. I just can't touch or taste you. Three out of five ain't bad."

Been there. Done that. Can't do it again. I know, I watch WHEN HARRY MET SALLY. It worked for them. I don't think it works for me anymore. I need open heart and open eyes. I need to know right off the bat if we're going to be friends forever who just pussyfoot around feelings or we're going to get stinking drunk some night and move on to the next step because the friendship thing was just a safety net ruse to get to know each other without scaring each other off by using the "R" word ("Romance").

I digress.

So, to my SN/SM boyfriend. Right now, I'm in a bit of transition. I am not at my best seven days a week right now. So, it's not fair to unload that on someone who loves me. I know, I know -- if he loves me, he should want me good and bad. I don't want me good and bad. I'm not going to do that to some poor guy. So, right now, what works for me is to have someone who shows up around 6:00 on Saturday night (or who invites me over). We have dinner. We take turns cooking. We watch television, rent a movie, play a game, do some sort of activity together. Maybe we go out. Maybe we have friends over. Something. A "date". Then, we spend the night together. Yes, sex. Lots of sex. Hot and sweaty, up against the wall, in the shower, on the floor, noisy uncontrollable sex. Then, we sleep. On Sunday morning, we sleep in, cuddle a little bit, have breakfast, maybe share the Sunday paper and then go our separate ways. Hugs, kisses, "I Love You"s. That leaves us both plenty of alone time to do things on our own and/or with other people. We don't get sick of each other. We have something to look forward to. We can talk on the phone, text or email during the week. Heck, I'd be open to an occasional weekday lunch or dinner to touch base, but we don't have to live out of each others' pockets every day. Some day, we can add on more days and longer weekends. Eventually, decide if we're in it for the long haul and combine CD and DVD collections and adopt a little brother or sister for Abby. Maybe, maybe if my eggs are still viable, consider adding a human baby brother or sister to the household for Abby. But, that's not where I am right now. Not yet. Maybe soon. Maybe once I get my money situation fixed.

This past weekend would have been perfect for the SN/SM boyfriend situation.

I'm a fairly independent person. I can find things to amuse me and entertain me just about every night of the week. I try to keep busy. I have friends. I have hobbies. I like to read. I like to watch television. I'm quite satisfied with my own company. Most days.

However, this past week, I've been kind of lonely. Kind of needy. I'm tired of being alone with my thoughts and worries. I need a distraction. I tried going to the gym. I've tried reading. I've tried television. But, as soon as the silence settles in and the sun sets, I find myself wishing for things I don't have.

I really wanted to go out this weekend. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted to go see Goonies at Mt. Trashmore on Friday night with someone who would laugh with me and say "BABY RUTH" and "CHUNK" and daydream about moving to Oregon and looking for pirate ships and treasure. The first time I saw the movie, I wanted to immediately move to Oregon and buy a house on the coast just like the houses the kids lived in, and watch for pirate ships in the cove. I couldn't find anyone to go with me and I didn't want to be that creepy woman all alone at some kiddie movie. Then, on Saturday, a local band was playing at a nearby bar and I wanted to go and listen to them. I didn't want to go alone. I wanted to be able to laugh and comment to someone about how good they were. Maybe even dance with someone. (Feel the heat with someone.) No one wanted to go. So, I putzed around the house, went to the gym, cleaned out my purse... Bored myself to tears.

If I had the SN/SM boyfriend, my problems would have been solved. I would have negotiated a Friday night into the mix and promised him it wouldn't be a normal occurrence. I'd offer to make it up to him by relieving him of breakfast duty or something on Sunday. He didn't have to spend the night Friday night. I had things to do Saturday morning. Then, last night, we could have gone to the bar and enjoyed the music. Maybe danced a little. Then, bowchickabowwow. This morning was rainy and dreary. Perfect morning to lie in bed and enjoy it. Abby was even generous last night and slept in her own bed which means she wasn't walking around on my bed, head, bladder and back at 4:30 trying to wake me up so that I can turn on the water in the bathroom sink for her. It was like having a baby sleep through the night. I have turkey sausage and fresh eggs in the fridge so we could have had a nice home-made breakfast before he hit the road.

Sadly, there is no one in my life who can be this person. In order to find this person, I'd have to date. Which brings me to the beginning of the blog. I don't like to date.

I want to walk out my door, have a Certs encounter with someone... or meet someone at work... or have a friend of a friend introduce me to someone who has an immediate interest in me... and have the romance begin.

Someone suggested a Craigslist ad. I tried writing one yesterday morning but no matter how I tried to finesse it, the whole thing sounded a lot like a booty call -- a desperate cry for casual sex -- and I don't do casual sex. I don't do booty calls. Love and sex are the same in my book. Plus, with my luck, I'd get someone who would kill me in my sleep and I have no desire to become a made-for-tv movie.

But, it's good in theory. I shared this theory with my new hire who wanted to know why I was single and she thought it was a genius idea.

Now, if we can find a way to make it happen.

I am accepting applications. No credit check required.

Secret Lovers

2012-05-20T11:59:00.001-04:00

Secret lovers, yeah that's what we are
Trying so hard to hide the way we feel
'Cause we both belong to someone else
But we can't let it go 'cause what we feel
Is, oh so real, so real, so real

You and me, are we fair?
Is this cruel or do we care?
Can they tell that's in our minds?
Maybe they've had secret love all of the time

I had a weird corporate romance dream last night.

In my dream, I was working in this huge modern corporate setting. Very not like where I work right now.

This place had shiny surfaces, modern furniture, high tech stuff, elevators, huge bathrooms and seemed very intimidating and large. Everyone wore business attire -- no business casual, no jeans Fridays. I still worked in "Education and Development" (I like that name better than training). I worked with several women and one male and his name was Brady. We had cubicles but in the main part of our office, there was this huge round table where everyone sat to work on projects. "Brady" sat directly across from me. Well, Brady and I kept making faces at each other across the table and no one really spoke. There was this one guy, kind of dorky, who kept saying inane things and singing songs and we'd look at him like, "Dude, keep quiet or else you'll get sent to HR." Being sent to HR seemed to be the worst thing you could have happen. I received these texts from someone saying things like, "Maybe he can sing at our wedding?" and "Let's not invite him to our wedding." I'd read the texts and smile to myself and then I'd look up and Brady would raise his eyebrow at me. I realized that Brady was the one texting me and that we were secretly engaged. I got the feeling that no one was allowed to have any sort of personal relationship at this company. No one was allowed to talk or have fun. It felt very prison-like. Very serious and stuffy. The texting continued back and forth and the idiot kept doing idiotic things. I then had to go to the bathroom and left the area. I had to sign out when I left the area and had to swipe an ID badge to use the elevator. Everything was tracked and monitored. Cameras everywhere.

The bathrooms were on the 5th floor. I worked on the 1st floor. Turns out HR is on the 5th floor as well. It had huge steel-enforced doors and guards with guns at the entrance. Very scary. There were a couple of people waiting to go into HR and they looked like they were ready to be killed - very sad and looking down at the floor. I had this sudden urge to go in and tell them about me and Brady.

As I left the bathroom, someone with a mail cart stopped me and handed me a note and told me to give it to "Jenna". It had a number 55539 on the front of it. I had no clue what that meant or who Jenna was. I stopped by HR and asked if I could ask them who Jenna was and what 55539 meant. The guards looked at me like I was asking them to commit a crime by letting me in.

I was asking people what it meant and who Jenna was. No one wanted to talk to me.

I finally got back to my work area and asked Brady if he knew who Jenna was and he answered me very business like that she was someone currently enrolled in training. I asked what 55539 meant. He said that he couldn't discuss it.

I sat down with the note. I received a text from Brady asking me if I had read the note. I texted back no. He told me that 55539 was the code for breach of relationship code of conduct and was how HR let supervisors know that someone on their team was engaged in a romantic relationship.

I texted back asking who Jenna was going to be supervising.

Brady wrote back, "Us. I bet that note is about us. Open it."

I told him it was sealed and if I opened it, I'd risk getting in trouble. He told me that the consequences of dealing with HR would be worse and that we needed to know so we could strategize.

I was torn between opening the note and just giving it to her.

I texted that I didn't think they'd give me a note to give to her that was about me. He texted back that we couldn't get sent to HR.

I decided to just go to HR myself. I told the guards I was Jenna and I was there to see them about a 55539. They let me in. I asked who I needed to talk to and they said "Mary". I walked through HR looking for "Mary". I found her at the end. She was a very serious looking woman dressed in black, with black hair pulled back in a bun.

I told her that I was currently involved with someone who worked with me, that we were in love and getting married and that I didn't care if they knew and that I wanted to let them know because I was tired of hiding it.

Mary looked at me without saying anything for the longest time and then she said, "I know. We've been monitoring you."

I stood there waiting. I asked what my punishment was. She told me I had to choose between him or my job. One of us could stay. If we both wanted to stay, we would have to talk to the President. She said it like it was the worst thing you could do -- talk to the President.

She told me I had two days to make a decision.

I asked myself in my head - "Would Brady choose me or the job?"

A voice answered, "You know what he'd pick."

Then, I woke up. (sigh)

In my heart, I'd like to think I'd pick "Brady" and he'd pick me, but... obviously if there was so much fear and doubt in my dream, I still have some trust issues about whether or not a man would choose me over a career.

My dreams have been so muddled lately. I want dreams of rainbows, butterflies and happy places. Not inner turmoil.

The Dream

2012-05-19T21:56:00.000-04:00

Like Alice in Wonderland

The dream takes you by the hand

Inside emotions that you might not feel

If by some notion the dream was not real

The dream

Watching the colours as they run

Figures in mould like the sun

Lovers can dream

devils can dream

You may be nowhere

until you have seen

The dream

I took a nap after lunch today and had this slightly disturbing and emotional dream. The dream has some "adult" content/profanity so please skip to the "non-dream" portion of the blog if you do not wish to read it. I've started the non-dream portion of the blog with a word in red ink instead of black.

I had a dream that this man and I were at this maze of some sort. It was very odd -- a huge outdoor hedge/shrub maze and the rows were high and you couldn't see over them, climb over them or cut through them. You had to follow them.

I got the feeling we weren't there together by choice, that someone had made us go. He had a bit of attitude. He seemed angry. Moody. I didn't. I felt ... nothing, to be honest. There were no emotions on my part. I just wanted to get out of the maze.

We were following along the path, making turns here and there. Occasionally, we'd hit a dead end and then go back to the main path and continue on. No talking. No strategizing. I was leading. He was following.

Every now and then, there would be a "room"/shed within the maze that we had to pass through to continue onwards. We couldn't go around it so we'd open the door and go inside. Each shed had some sort of theme or decoration. One was like Christmas. One was like Halloween. Etc.

In the first one, which had a lot of flowers and such, he blurted out, "So, she invited me over at 10:30 last night." I didn't respond. I made some comment about the decorations. In my mind I thought, "Booty call." We moved on to the next path and the next shed. Inside the next shed, he blurted out, "She let me put my hand in her pants." I ignored him but my heart was starting to hurt. I remember thinking, "Why is he telling me this?" We moved along the path and into the next shed. I was starting to get this feeling of dread as we approached the shed.

Inside the next shed, he made a comment about maybe next time he'll to do more than finger f*ck her (yeah, he talked like that). I didn't want to hear it anymore and I could feel tears building up behind my eyes. Inside the next shed, there was a life-sized cardboard cut out of this hot looking woman wearing a tank top and short shorts. It looked like a Hooters girl. He says to me, "Why can't you look like that? I'd finger f*ck you in a heartbeat if you looked like that!" I don't think he meant to hurt me. It was almost "matter of fact" -- like I'd like to have you but I'm shallow and immature at the moment and don't have my filter on so I'm gonna say what I'm thinking and not even realize I'm saying mean and hurtful things.

I turned and moved away from him quickly and tried to go back through the door we came in through because I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to keep going. I didn't want to hear what he might say in the next shed. I wanted out of the maze, away from him and over it. But, the door had no way of opening it from the inside. You could only move forward. I hadn't said a word after the first shed. He put out a hand to touch me as I rushed by him towards the door and I moved away from him. I ran out the exit door and tried to climb through the waist high shrubs to see what was on the other side. I was in the frenzied "gotta get away from him" mood. I didn't want him to see me cry. I didn't want him to know he hurt me with his words.

He came out and said, "What the f*ck are you doing? You know we can't go off of the path. We have to go to the end."

Ahead of us, there was a split in the path. Finally, we had a choice. I stood there trying to decide which path to take. He started down one path and I purposely took the other path. He looked at me as if he couldn't believe I would pick a path other than his. I just thought to myself that I had to do it - had to move forward on my own and take my chances with whatever was waiting for me. You couldn't see anything ahead on either path. It was dark and foggy. He motioned for me to go to his path and I shook my head. We both started walking on our paths, walking the same slow pace like we didn't want to separate from each other, going in opposite directions and getting further and further away from each other. He'd look back at me and I'd look back at him. Then, I couldn't see him anymore and came to a door to a shed.

I just stood there staring at the door to the shed, trying to get the courage to open it. I opened it and was greeted by a bright burst of light.

Then, I woke up.

Very stressful dream. I have a feeling it has to do with emotions that surface occasionally due to recurring feelings for Mr. Tingles. (See previous blogs.) And from wishful thinking about wanting someone in my life every now and then. This week had some disappointments and my defenses are down. I'm feeling a little needy and confused and restless. Directionless.

I had such a nice long weekend last weekend and I hoped to go back to work refreshed and happy. However, I went back stressed and anxious. I'm not someone who likes to ask for help. I just tend to do everything myself and tend to be the one who helps everyone else out. Self sufficient. Stems from a lifetime of trying to find people like myself whom will help me and yet being routinely let down. Sometimes by their purposeful choices and sometimes because they just can't help me. After awhile, you start to realize that most people (I said "most people") are selfish in nature and aren't inclined to just offer help unless there's something in it for them or unless it doesn't inconvenience them.

However, I asked for help. I reached out to a couple of people for assistance and both people let me down.

I used to have a supervisor at another company who said that every "challenge" was an opportunity to succeed. Yes, yes, it was also an opportunity to fail, but we needed to focus on success instead of failure. Every time I go out on a limb with someone and open up to them, and let them know I'm feeling weak or need some help, I see it as an opportunity for the other person to step up and prove to me that I've made a successful choice in them as friends. Sadly, I did not have success this week. That left me a little raw. Not only did I let on that I needed help but then I didn't get the help I needed, which only proved my theory that it's better for me to just not ask for help at all and muddle through. Can't rely on anyone but myself. I am an island.

Then, yesterday (Friday), I was minding my own business, trying to focus on the peaceful feeling that I had survived another week of work. I had to teach some new stuff this week and I am always worried about not doing a good job when I teach new stuff. I didn't have anyone to mentor me or watch over me while I taught so I felt like the pressure to be perfect was magnified. No safety net. Again, typical of my life. I tend to be the one to offer to be someone's safety net, but no one offers to be my safety net. Anyhow... I made it through. I did okay. I could have done better but towards the end of the week, I started to realize I didn't really "care" one way or the other if I did a good job. Someone is always unhappy with the learning they receive and I can't keep having sleepless nights worrying about whether or not I did a good job. At some point, "average" has to be okay.

I digress. I was decompressing. Ready for the weekend. Hopeful for a night of GOONIES at a local park and hopeful for a night of live music at a local bar. Then, Mr. Tingles started flirting with this woman. I hardly know the woman and hate to pass judgement but the few times I have gotten near her or talked to her, my "user" radar went off the grid and I got the vibe that she's one of those women who plays dumb to get men to do things for her and then once she gets them to do things for her, she then uses sex to keep them doing things for her. Ok, yeah, nothing wrong with it if the guys are willing, right? I just get mad at men who let their d*cks do their thinking for them for some hot chick. Maybe I was still a bit angry that no one wants to help me. Maybe if I was hotter. Whatever. Out of nowhere, I felt this surge of jealousy. Not a "he's my man" type of jealousy because we don't have that kind of relationship, but a "why can't guys flirt with me like that?" kind of jealousy. I lost my appetite and interest in any kind of human interaction. I normally don't feel jealous. I don't. Jealousy is based in insecurities, which I obviously must have if I didn't think I was interesting enough, pretty enough, etc to keep the guy's attention. He came and talked to me but all I kept thinking was "you'd rather be with her, you'd rather be with her, you'd rather be with her." I think she wanted to be with him, too, but didn't know how to get him away from me since he was already sitting with me and talking to me. I wanted to crawl into a hole and be invisible. To make matters worse, someone else came by and started teasing me about trying to look a certain way to lure men. Normally, I'd joke and laugh but it kind of stung -- made me feel like I was being mocked. Woosh. Yeah, the rest of the day sort of went haywire after that.

I felt awkward and raw. I couldn't make eye contact with my male friend for fear he'd see what I was thinking and feeling and I did not want him to think I was having those kinds of feelings at all. I think he picked up on my weird mood but I couldn't tell him "Hey, look, I saw you flirting with that girl and it was pretty obvious that the two of you would like to bonk each others' brains out and you felt obligated to hang out with me and I felt jealous of the whole physical chemistry you two had and wanted someone to look at me the way you looked at her... and then the minute I thought of the two of you bonking, I got even more jealous because it made me realize you might be a good bonker... and these are thoughts I shouldn't be having about you... so, um, yeah.... how about the weather?"

I'm okay now. I think my dream may have been generated as a result of this day of odd feelings. Maybe not. Maybe I'm ready to let go of Mr. Tingles but don't want him to be ready to have me let go of him. We had a couple of good weeks but seem to be backsliding. I feel awkward and am having a hard time totally squashing the tingles that pop up at inconvenient times. He seems distracted. Our conversations have been awkward. A couple of people have commented to us while we were together how "great" we are together and how well we complement each other... and how we balance each other. They aren't saying these things in a "romance" way but I fear he might hear it that way and is wigging out at the possibility of being "connected" to me that way. I've gotten used to it -- I've heard it at least once every couple of weeks for the past year or so. I just shrug it off and count my blessings to have someone who does get me. I just don't want him running for the hills, thinking I'm doodling his name on my notebook, so I'm overly aware of my comments to him and my harmless flirting.

Ah, the matters of the heart. I really wish there was an on/off button. With one of those locking plastic cases over it so that I don't accidentally turn it on (or off) without making a conscious decision to do so.

Maybe I just need to go read another dirty book and pretend about a life where everything is straight forward and I don't feel jealous about things I have no control over.

Relax, Don't Do It

2012-05-14T20:54:00.002-04:00

Relax don't do it
When you want to to go to it
Relax don't do it
When you want to come
Relax don't do it
When you want to suck to it
Relax don't do it
When you want to come
Come-oh oh oh

But shoot it in the right direction
Make making it your intention-ooh yeah
Live those dreams
Scheme those schemes
Got to hit me
Hit me
Hit me with those laser beams

Yes, yes, I realize this song is about orgasm. Or allegedly about orgasm. It is appropriate for a blog about taking time out for oneself. In some ways, this past weekend, I had a life orgasm.

I've been running on fumes for a few months now. Stressed out about everything and everyone. (No? Really?) Those who know and love me have been sort of tip-toeing around me wondering if I'm going to implode at any point. I try to stay fairly even keeled. I try to not let things impact me. I have seen what stress does to me and I have the Ativan prescription on retainer at Rite Aid to prove it. I've been trying so hard to not let things get to me. Trying being the operative word.

However, with my life, it seems that once one thing goes bad, everything follows. I already blogged about that. You can go read the "control" blog or "just a friend" blog or whatever other blog out there that references this. I think you could probably go back a couple of months to the "everything happens for a reason" blog. I also believe firmly that as much as I am responsible for my own sh*tty circumstances, I am also responsible for for turning it around. I'd love to think that there's a magical fairy out there, flying around, looking for my apartment, waiting to sprinkle magic dust (the legal kind) on my head and make all of my problems go away. I know that I have to be my own magical fairy.

I scheduled a four day weekend for this month way back in January.

Originally, I thought I'd be moving this weekend. My lease was up and I was planning on finding a new place here in VB. Unfortunately, the cost to move would have equalled any savings in rent in the long term so I decided to stay put. In my next life, I will have an army of trustworthy able and willing men and women who will pitch in to help me move so that I don't have to pay people. Ever notice no one ever really wants to jump at that?

Then, I decided I was going to go out of town for the weekend. Some place. Any place. Some place that wasn't here. I initially thought about Myrtle Beach but didn't want to spend 7 hours in a car, by myself, each way. Then, I decided on Ocean City, MD, but then a potential part time job interfered with that. And the fact that I didn't have the money. And the fact that it meant dealing with the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel all alone. I do not like bridges. Especially long bridges that are connected to tunnels. In my next life, in addition to having friends who will gladly help me move, I will also have friends who want to be travel companions and who are not afraid of bridges. Or sharing a motel room with me.

The part time job ended up being a conflict of interest and I quit it after one day of training.

So, that left me with four days off. Back to back. What to do? What to do?

I could have wallowed in self-imposed depression and contemplated life, but I've been doing far too much of that lately. TOO MUCH. TOOOOOO MUCH. All I do is think. Worry. I've chewed all of my fingernails down to nothing from worrying about life.

I decided that I was going to take 4 days to do whatever the heck I wanted to do, within reason. I would have liked to have had sex. But that wasn't a possibility. (Just checking to see if you are reading.)

On Thursday night, I kicked the weekend off with a haircut. Just walked into the local SuperCuts with a 50% off coupon and said "Surprise me!". I like what they did. I may be more spontaneous in the future.

On Friday, I set the alarm for 6:00 just so I could have the pleasure of turning it off and going back to bed. Every morning, that blasted thing goes off and I groan and lie in bed, smacking the snooze every 9 minutes, until I finally haul my butt out of bed at 6:30. Luckily, I shower the night before and have everything ready clothing-wise, so all I have to do is freshen up and hit the road. Every morning, I have to give myself a pep talk to get myself going. "Today is going to be a good day. Today, you will smile at everyone. Today, you will not let anyone bring you down. Today, you will sparkle and shine. Today, you will be open and giving and caring and tolerant. Today, you will have a good day with Mr. Tingles." Each day, the list gets a little longer.

On Friday, I went back to bed and slept until 9:00. LOVED IT. Had an odd dream about a co-worker, a picnic blanket, a female stalker and Jason Biggs from AMERICAN PIE. Very odd. Nothing sexual. Just odd. I didn't get dressed until after 10. I took pleasure in texting a friend and gloating over the fact that I didn't get dressed until after 10. Then, I did some labwork for a doctor's appointment and headed to the beach. Tried to get a friend to play hooky and join me. I parked in a parking garage and sat on a bench by this huge statue of King Neptune. Tourists love love love that thing. So, I volunteered to take photos of couples who were trying to figure out how to get themselves AND the mighty one in the picture. It was fun. I love talking to strangers and people watching. I decided I wasn't going to be "local" Bev. I decided I was going to be "Ohio Bev" again. I got to pretend like I was seeing it all for the first time. I even took pictures with the King.

Then, I engaged a friend in some texting, mostly rubbing in that I was there and he was at work. That's what friends do, right? Remind each other of what they could be doing but aren't? :) Then, I walked to the water, stuck my toes in the cold water, dug my toes into the sand and then sat and people watched some more. Watched some pale chubby guys in long shorts play cornhole. Tried to explain to a non-native English speaking person what cornhole was without breaking into Beavis and Butthead. "I am Cornholio..."

Then, I walked a few blocks south on the boardwalk to the Dairy Queen near the Holiday Inn I always stayed in as a tourist. I was tickled to see that the ice cream was still the same price as when I was a tourist. Ate a cone, did some more people watching, listened to my MP3 player. Smiled a lot. Remembered why I moved here and why I love the beach so much. It's like a different world. I love the sound of the waves. I love watching the foam form on the sand from the waves. I liked imagining that I live in a little hut on the beach. I walked some more, sat in the sun some more, made up fantasies in my head about my perfect little post-lottery win life where I live on a beach year-round, wearing loose clothing, bare feet and coconut scented sunscreen. Maybe a big floppy hat. And I have a cabana boy. Gotta have a cabana boy.

I spent four glorious hours there. Then, I stopped at Jody's Popcorn and bought a candy apple, bottle of water and sampled some kettle corn. I was still "Bev from Ohio". I spent a grand total of $15 for the entire day of fun. MUCH cheaper than going to another city.

I came home, took a nap, watched some television, and went to bed. I was "Bev from Virginia". I had an odd dream about another co-worker. Not sexual, but slightly intimate. Kind of unsettling in a weirdly pleasant way. Unfinished. It had no beginning and no real end. The bright spot in the dream was that my butt looked good in spandex biker shorts and I owned a pink beach cruiser bike.

On Saturday, I woke up early and decided that I was going to have another day of whatever the heck I wanted. Met with a debt consolidation loan place that practically wanted my left lung and right kidney to give me a personal loan. Said thanks but no thanks. The only fly in the ointment was that as I was leaving the house, a co-worker texted me with some news that was good news for someone else but actually ended up being bad news for me because it meant that I was going to be putting in some long hours over the next few weeks. When you already don't exactly love your job, realizing you may have to put in longer hours doesn't exactly make you jump for joy.

I went to the new CVS store and got a bounty of items for FREE. I was so excited. I got coupons in the mail for free soda, free aspirin, free dish detergent, a free $5 gift card, and a free store-brand item. I love a good bargain. I then went to the Farmer's Market, then stopped at the Fresh Market to say hi to a friend I haven't seen in awhile who does wine-tastings there. Asked him to keep an ear out for part time jobs. Tasted some wine. I checked my mail at the UPS store and then came home. I cleaned the apartment and did laundry and noticed that it was kind of stale and humid.

The AC died again. AGAIN. Seriously? I called in a ticket to the rental office, took a nap, watched some television, screwed around on the computer and then went to bed.

On Sunday, hmmmm.... Sunday. I slept late. Very late. Mostly because I had trouble sleeping the night before because my pillow was hot. I'm very cranky if my pillow gets hot. If I ever land a guy, I hope to heck he likes cold pillows and cool sheets. I think that would be a deal breaker. I'll deal with snoring. Personal furnace? Not so much.

I read the paper, watched some television, and then had a mini-breakdown about work. Cried a lot. Wished I had someone to help me. Wished I had a an option of not having to "suck it up" and move on. I contemplated withdrawing all of my money out of my small savings account and buying $20 scratchers in hopes that one of them would be enough to just quit my job. Vented to a couple of friends via text and email. I was grumpy and morose. I only compounded matters by watching The Notebook, The Time Traveler's Wife and A Walk to Remember. Back to back. I used an entire box of kleenex and then cried myself to sleep. Oh, and did I mention I'm hormonal too? (shaking head) It was a rough Sunday. I must have posted and changed a gazillion Facebook statuses as I was falling asleep asking for help, begging for help, wanting someone to take me in their arms and tell me that things will work out and that I can bounce back from all of this stuff going on with my budget, my friendships that seem to be dying and the extra duties at work. And no love life to speak of. Not that it matters. I don't think I could even focus on a man right now.

Now, it's Monday night. I slept in this morning. I was just getting ready to hop into the shower this morning when the maintenance man showed up to fix the AC. I was in the kitchen, getting ready to strip down to my birthday suit and toss my nightgown and underwear into the washing machine so that I could then dash naked to the bathroom and shower (it's called efficiency. I strip down every night in the laundry room so that I can just bypass a dirty clothing hamper all together.) and then get changed in there for an appointment I had at 1:00. Luckily, he knocked. Fortunately, I had the deadbolt on. Otherwise, the nice elderly maintenance man may have seen more of me than he ever expected. But... if it meant getting quicker service the next time the AC dies, I probably would have considered the whole nude thing. Heck, I'd maybe even let him help with the loofah. Sorry. I told you, this weekend would have been better if sex were involved. Damn hormones. (Just making sure I didn't lose you.)

The maintenance man told me that he had a feeling my AC would die again. He said that last week when he replaced the compressor, he noticed that some connectors (??) were rusty and would probably be a problem. I asked him why he even used it if he knew it was bad and he said he was hopeful it would just work. Nice. He tinkered around for awhile and within an hour, I had AC again. YEAH!!! I took my shower and went to my 1:00 appointment.

I got home around 3:00 and have been sort of putzing around the apartment, trying to find a gazillion and one things to keep me distracted and to help me not feel depressed about going back to work tomorrow. I even bought a scratch off ticket at the 7-11 hoping for a last minute win. I bargained with myself that even if it was as low as $20,000, I would still quit. I figured the money would tide me over until I found something else.

Then, I shook it off and here I am. Resolute. I guess that's the only word I can use. I can't do anything about my situation at work. There's no use in complaining because no one is going to care. No one is going to fix things or make it easier for me. I'm a robot. I just do it. (to quote Pretty Woman) I do it well. I seem unflappable. Inside, I'm flapped but outside, I do it, do it, do it. Responsible. Dedicated. Hard working.

It doesn't matter that I really want a hug, fluffy pillow (a cool one) and someone else to do the worrying for once.

I am ... my own superhero. I have to be.