Euphoria of Madness

Questions, Answers and Retrospect

2014-05-08T06:21:00.000+05:30

Songs have found their meaning again,
When the lonely drone of the strings reign,
I was hoping that the stars align
Knowing that it is all in vain.

Just back to the place where i began,
With nothing to lose and all but pain,
There is nothing left but a smile I feign,
Only the songs that I wrote remain.

I am wide awake in the middle of the night,
Thinking that I will put up a fight,
But who am I? to question his might,
I am headed straight into the light.

I am back to the place where i began,
With broken strings and a life mundane,
Just grabbing hold of what I can,
But a voice tells me always inside, Just refrain.

Is it worth all of this, this life,
Penance and repentance , does it have a pay off?
Well, that is the hope and that is my life,
Well, goodbye to you, its the ultimate sign off.

To clarify, I am not suicidal. Just working on a theme of circle of life, how it gives hope, takes away, seeing people shackled by superficial things, but still live on just to breathe.

All the shackles are made by us, some are imbibed into us, some are self made. And fear is the worst of all. And trust me, fear is a real thing. Its that voice inside which tells , "Do not do it, just refrain" .

I imagine myself living through the same cycle I have lived through whole my life, the cycle varies in frequency and duration , but its the same fuckin thing again and again. I just made this page PG 18.

I myself faced quite a close call recently. I was involved in a major accident and I was tumbling down the road, I could not control anything that was happening, the momentum was carrying me forward and I realized something, When you cannot control your own life, that is when death feels real. I am taking some time off for recovery and more writing. I hope I do not stay away for long.

And like Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption, I shall end with a quote " Dear Friend, If you're reading this, you've gotten out. And if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to come a little further. I'll keep an eye out for you. Remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies. I will be hoping that this letter finds you, and finds you well. Your friend ." I am paraphrasing there, but you get the gist.

Thanks for all the support, Keep being you guys, its cool.

Just a frame remains

2014-02-27T13:33:00.002+05:30

All those days when I was stuck in the middle,
Of the conversations and people that I never wanted ,
I drew up a picture in a canvas that only I could see.
When I closed my eyes and drew her picture,
Brought her to life only to understand that,
The picture fades away as soon as the reality works its magic,
But I drew it everyday, I made her real everyday,
All knowing that its not going to come to life.
Then you came along, you changed the lines on my drawing,
To fit in your face, And for once I saw a sparkle of life,
That did not fade away,
Now that you are gone, a frame remains,
And only the frame remains,
And there is no flame to bring you back to life,
And no flame to bring you back to life.

One night... Every Night

2014-01-23T04:02:00.000+05:30

Its 8 o clock and the night is still young,
I am standing with my 6 strings strapped on and tuned,
I do the sound check and wait for the time to,
Do my rituals and do what i do best.

I am standing there and singing my heart out,
Bending the strings and waiting for thunderous applause
People are coming, people are going,
All i can do is applaud for myself.

Welcome you people, I don't need a thank you,
I am that guy you know who plays the guitar,
Wherever you go, Whatever you say,
You are right, that's what matters the most.

People are trippin, Walking in zig zag,
And the shakin the microphone when I sing,
I sway my head to waiters who come in,
And ask for the songs that everyone knows...

It's always the same when I sing about the hotel,
Or the sweet child, but nothing matters,
I wanna sing some Dylan, and some Neil Young,
Who are these people, nobody knows... But I keep thinkin

Welcome you people, I don't need a thank you,
I am that guy you know who plays the guitar,
No matter what you say and you do now,
All is forgiven , cos you are the man....

It's time to close and I better get home,
But every last breath I give it all,
Ask me for a song, which I don't want to sing,
I still go to do it, Cos you need it for the road.

I watch your backs as you close the door and,
Walk away till we meet some other time,
Some are so grateful, Some are so faithful,
As long as they are talking, I just smile and listen

I say, Goodbye you people, You were a pleasure today,
Thanks for listening to me all night,
I hope to see you soon again some night when,
Your world is in turmoil or your libido is high,

I say, Goodnight everyone out here listening to me,
Have a safe drive and my name is so and so,
I am gonna drive home lonely, fill my stomach,
And host my own concert, for just me to listen..

Just Breathe

2013-10-26T23:10:00.002+05:30

What it takes to be sad
is what it takes to be happy
What it takes to move on
is what it takes to stay on

There is no good and bad in this world
There is only the eyes with I see things
There is no rise and fall,
There is only the ground I stand on

So I close my eyes , let the time pass by
So I close my eyes, let the wind blow by
So I close my eyes, and wake up into a world
All I need to do is just breathe.

What it takes to fight,
is what it takes to love
What it takes to hold on,
is what it takes to let go

There is no right or wrong in this world
There is only the thoughts in my head,
There is no tears and smiles in this world,
There are only people who care about.

So I walk my way, into the places I wanna go,
So I walk my way, into the world I always knew,
So I walk my way, into all the things I wanna do,
All I need to do is just breathe.

So I choose the way, i want to live
So I choose the path, i want to walk
So I choose the people, i want to have
All I need to do is just breathe.

Two Steps Behind

2013-09-18T11:41:00.000+05:30

I am just two steps behind from
living my life to the full.
But I always asked myself
Is it worth all the trouble.

I am happy with this life,
but I am not happy about my living,
For a man who claims to call his shots,
I have been shooting a lot less off late.

I took one step ahead, and let myself out
Then I took one step back, and crawled inside my safeplace
Then I stuck my head out and see if everything is alright,
But I am right back where I started.

Absence is what I thought,
my presence felt like,
The world remains unaware,
And its been too long to try and change it.

When I hear the words I speak,
It feels like it has been heard in my head before,
How many times should I tell myself,
To speak your mind and not your brain.

I took one step ahead, and then one back,
Its right where i Started and I kinda like this place,
Its a land where I am crowned an Emperor of my thoughts,
But I always know I am just two steps behind , I do.

Live in the moment,
is a lie that I tell myself,
Cos I plan all the moments
and execute the right way.

For one silly moment,
I let it all away and I felt,
"This feels awesome,
But how long does it last."

I took two steps forward, and then four steps back,
To take another two forward to convince the dictator in my head,
"Hail the almighty Egoist, who rules my world,
Who are you kiddin?, You are right where you started."

Right Beside Me

2013-09-17T05:56:00.002+05:30

Hear me people, I am gonna tell you a story about myself
it involves me and someone else as you have guessed by yourself
Yeah, its about a girl, what else would a boy sing about,
When she is sitting right beside me

Met her at a crowded bar, With people swarming round the counter,
She is working on her phone and her friends were all in the chatter,
She was sipping her drink casually, but i can tell you she has a good taste,
Gotta say this, cos she is sitting right beside me.

I muster all the courage I could, and pray to all the gods above,
Before I take a step forward, I need to clear the path and I am really bad at it,
I uttered two words softly and somehow I caught her ear,
I should say we hit it off, cos she is sitting right beside me.

So we see each other, every other day, I play the guitar and pretend to sing,
But all I can think about is how do I tell her what I want to say,
I go back and forth and I wanna leave her to take my decisions,
I don't have a choice, she is sitting right beside me.

After 3 or 4 weeks and we found a lot in common, but she is seeing someone else,
How do I talk to her, when she has no clue about what I feel,
Hence I wrote this song, so she can hear it out loud,
Because , she is sitting right beside me.

I say darling, I dont want to hear a story now, I wanna be a part of it,
I prefer to be a protagonist and not a filler for 5 minutes on screen,
I want the green screen and all the places that I always dream of in the background,
I am telling you now, Cos you are sitting right beside me.

So what say you, lets grab a drink or do you wanna wait a while longer,
Because I have only three lines to sing,And after that I gonna talk to you,
So grab your jacket and get the cheque , cos I just cant keep singing,
When you are sitting right beside me.

Love Kills.

2013-08-16T11:44:00.002+05:30

I hold onto her because i have to,
Indeed I thought I had to,
Yet now I realize its better to let it go,
Than wonder what it would be like to free.

When the morning sun rises and the stars disappear,
I wake up to the heat that burns my soul,
Seeing her lie next to me, I am befuddled,
With this bizarre feeling feeling of uncertainty.

Now that its clear that love cannot hold us together,
And its falling down like a house of cards,
All that I have to do now is to say goodbye,
But words are said better than actions are done.

Everyday passed on with the same silence as yesterday,
I wish I could speak my mind, but thats the only thing I fear,
Instead I will hold onto her, For I am not the one who wants to bear the guilt,
So here I am waiting for this to end, or just the end.

BITS Pilani Goa Campus - Part 4 , The Workshop

2013-07-08T07:23:00.000+05:30

It has been more than 2 years since wrote about my college life. As I was talking to some juniors who had recently gotten jobs, I thought about the place a lot. And thinking about the first days in campus reminds of one place where I spent many an hour learning how to live in a world if you don't get any jobs. The workshop!

It was the only 4 unit course in the whole semester. I did not know what 4 unit courses meant then, but it was very important in retrospect. It was headed by the lion of the department, he would ruthlessly screw people around all the time. He was the man feared by a lot of people, he could D-grade you at any point , so we listened every time he spoke, laughed at whatever jokes he said and did whatever he told us to do. He would throw people out of the classroom for looking at the book, for not keeping the phone silent, for whatever he considered indiscipline. But I think he was doing the right thing for the most part. My lab instructor was awesome, he was calm and would listen to you every time you go to him. Thank you Dr. A.C Kulkarni.

I still remember every detail of that workshop. As you enter you see lathes ,shapers, then there is the welding unit both electric arc and gas welding, carpentry, fitting and what not. But more of all there were this lab assistants, most of them actually all of them being men. It was a great disadvantage for a 17 year old boy to be working with 17 year old girls with all those lab assistants. We had to wear shoes for the workshop and I hated wearing shoes, still do. We all went to Vasco and picked up shoes, I think I still have them :)

Then there is the Salman Khan of the workshop Mr. ???, I think I am gonna avoid his real name here. Like the match fixing partner of Sreesanth lets call him Mr. Jiju. He was a towering presence of testosterone in the workshop lab. He was good at what he was supposed to do and he thought he was good at a lot of other things. With his skin tight shirts and more importantly how much he could influence the marks on the lab work he was a nemesis for boys and a saviour for girls. We'll come back to him later.

So workshop had only 1 lecture and 2 lab sessions i think, not sure. My first experiment was with fitting, I think i got my workpiece done pretty well. There was nothing interesting there other than vernier calipers. Then we went to carpenting and that was done in a jiffy, the guy there just finished our work very fast. The real issue came when we started doing the lathe and shaper. It was not as easy as we thought it was. We took a long time to figure out how to do it, then emboss it etc etc. But that also was done... (sigh). The funny thing I remember about lathe is that, thats where Mr. Jiju was most proficient in. With guys he would just say do this and do that and with the girls he did it for them. I hope no girls lash out at me after reading this. Its the past anyway.

Then was the welding place. I enjoyed doing that, it was like I was natural at it. We did our project with welding too, it was fun. Then there was the viva which we did okay. And at the end of it, thanks to Mr. Jiju the prettiest girl in the batch got the highest marks.When we finished our project and the viva, we had completed the workshop. I was relieved, but ever since when I see people working there, I just miss the place for some reason. Probably its because, that was the first time I had my hands on something which is used in the real industry and the welding part was wicked. Even now when I see someone welding and I see the sparkles, I kind a feel happy and nostalgic at the same time. I am sure everyone one of us have some or the other good feeling about workshops except for people who bunked them. It was the first place I understood that an error in millimeters can destroy a rocket. It taught me what precision and accuracy was.

But I still hate Vernier Calipers, I never liked them, I think I never will..

More posts on Bits Goa

http://mounamvidvanubhooshanam.blogspot.com/2011/01/bits-pilani-goa-campus-prelude.html
http://mounamvidvanubhooshanam.blogspot.com/2011/02/bits-pilani-goa-campus-part-2-beacon.html
http://mounamvidvanubhooshanam.blogspot.in/2011/03/bits-pilani-goa-campus-part-3-nostalgia.html
http://mounamvidvanubhooshanam.blogspot.in/2011/12/tribute-to-bits-pilani-goa-campus.html

Eulogy for Camaraderie

2013-07-08T01:00:00.001+05:30

So long have we known each other, my friend,
Its hard to let go of all the memories,
yet when we reach that point in life,
When everything is certain yet the friendship sinks.

Its a burden to carry, a lot to deal with,
Is my weight dragging you down?
Its a privilege to be what it is now,
Yet is it too late to mend?

As convoluted as I may sound right now,
As I have always sounded ,
But why Is it necessary to be subtle
when I can speak straight.

Its a sure thing that we are not what we want,
Its a sure thing that we will never be what I want,
But is it a done deal, or are there more clauses to the deal?
Whatever it is its dead, and hence the eulogy.

The girl in the red dress

2013-06-28T07:31:00.001+05:30

Once I saw a girl, with curly hair,
She wore a red dress and roses in her hair,
She walked like an angel with a divine flair,
She swept me off with her looks and grace.

My heart pounded and my limbs shivered,
Everything around was a blur, because of her.
I looked her with such amuse,
Pinched myself to remind me she is real.

She walked up to me and spoke something,
She looked at me as I searched for words,
After a while , I still could not find any,
She laughed and touched my arms and said,

"Hey, handsome will you come,
I'm on my way to a dance party,
Will you come along and dance with me."
I was shaken inside but I smiled and said,

"Ohh sure Miss" and she took me along with her,
I sat beside her in a chair,
And wondered what she was called,
But I never got to know her name.

We walked on to the dance floor,
and then she held me close to dance,
I trembled as I held her close,
All the steps I could conjure, I tried,

She laughed when i tripped and fell,
And gave a hand to hold me up,
I smiled wondering who she was,
Where she was from and ,Where she was going..

And the dance was done and the night arrived,
Night became brighter and so did my heart,
Dilemma struck me in and out,
Where to go and what to speak next.

She kissed me on my lips and said,
"Oh Darling you were wonderful,
I had a good time and I will remember you,
I hope to see you around soon,"

I could not speak a word,
For the millions in my head did not disperse,
Just watched her as she walked on by,
Fading into the moonlight , so bright.

I still remember her walking away,
And a red rose falling down from her hair,
I took it and called out to her,
She turned and smiled, and just walked away.

Strolled out to home, like I had lost my way,
Closed my eyes so that I could see her again.
I could not close my eyes to sleep that night,
All I saw was her and her smile.

Sleep eluded me for a long long time,
For she forever had stolen it all.
I could hear her laughing in my ears ,
I could feel her touch on my arms.

Sometimes I smile without a reason,
All I wanted was to see her again.
Little did I know it was all it was,
Never would I see her face again.

Now whenever I see a red dress and roses,
I think about her and smile,
May be it was just a dream,
But the one that I dreamt forever then on.

Loop

2013-06-28T07:30:00.001+05:30

Wrote this about 3 years back :D

Wake up in the morning,Ahh, its 8 o clock,
I have to be there by 9,Or else its gonna be hell.
Where are my shoes?,Did I shave?
Ohhh, I have to make breakfast,I am gonna be late.

Ohh, Glad i made it by 9,But the office is empty,
There walks in the god,With shiny shoes and full sleeve shirts.
He passes by me and gives me a smile,
I smile back but I say, "you burn in hell",

There are people passing by,with a forced smile,
Why is it so painful to say hello to others?
Part of this machine now, I have become rusty,
Just like the other parts of it.

Questions are plenty, more than you could ever answer,
So why bother to answer, because the reply is always no,
The deadlines are approaching, but is that actually a line,
I crossed the line several times, A new one is made every time.

This sucks, to be in here, when I could be elsewhere,
To do things for someone and receive their contempt,
I am not a slave, I am not puny,
I just got to stand up and say I call it a day.

But there is that day when you check your account,
Where you are rewarded for your months work,
That keeps me happy and do the whole stuff again,
Seems to be an infinite loop, And I am just looping in it.

The way the world works.

2013-06-21T16:02:00.001+05:30

This world will always change

But I still remain the same

People come and people go

Does n't matter if I am even there.

Fell behind from that moving train,

Pursued it, but no hands reached,

Seasons changed and faces too,

I still remain the same.

Tried a lot to fit in there

But something always pulled me behind

Never tried to understand,

The way the world works.

Never sane in the calmest day,

Never high on a crazy night,

Life just moves in a straight line,

That's the way the world works.

Loved and lost , I still search,

Dreamed of things that I could never see,

Never lost hope on this futuristic world,

Because that's the way my world works.

Hope

2013-06-01T04:56:00.002+05:30

The worlds burning down, in bits and pieces
Like burning coal spread on a paper tray,
Leaving holes and charred lives, When the people
who live ignore the ones on the edge
Trees are falling, rivers are dying,
Global warming, boy ain't that a pickle,
Brothers in arms are flailing their arms,
All I wonder is where its gonna end. Is it gonna end?
There's still hope as the world burns down,
There's still hope when the sky screams red,
There's still hope when we know that end is near,
All that I want, All that I need,
Is all that I have. Hope
Right or wrong, we never know,
What they do is never wrong,
Should we stand up and tell them its wrong
Or sit in comfort and ignore.
Yeah, I'm talking about the world now
Will it ever change, is there any hope?
I would believe so, as long as I live.

Die another day

2013-05-23T18:43:00.001+05:30

I have been striving for security every day of my life so far. The basic needs should always be there. But as I grew up the basic needs went from food, water, clothes, shelter to good food, clean water, good clothes, good shelter, TV, internet , excess money. What happens when this gets taken away from you? You can always remind yourself that you did not have that to start with. So in last few months, like any other freelance artist by basic necessities have gone downhill. I have learnt to live without TV, internet and my basic requirements are nothing but clean food and clean water, and a place to sleep in which is neat.

Its very fickle the 'industry ' that I work in. Its volatile, its not transparent, there is backstabbing, there is disrespect,, then there are people who do not like to pay for what you do. Volatility is the nature of most of the things here on earth, a stable state something which is not physically possible. When the whole world favours entropy, we cannot make things stable for ourselves, that's a hard fact which I have come to terms with.

Transparency and humans, its a weird concept to even put these words together in a sentence. We have our vices, we hide them. After all the point of living is nothing but survive, if some information can help you in your survival, you withhold it, to escape from accusation, pain or any slightest harm that it can cause one. Transparency is not what you expect from people. Unless you are transparent to yourself, you cannot be expecting other people to be transparent to you, from my experience, not siblings, not parents, not partners, no one is transparent.

And there is the favourite of all, Backstabbing !! This is something which I also observe as a survival instinct which is wired into all of us, to get the better of the other guy and leave him behind. The nicer you are the more shot down you are, but for me going against my basic instinct of being nice and considerate, affects me, so I deal with backstabbing in a very calm peaceful manner. Whether its with job or life, people are gonna screw you over at some time. Retaliation is always an option but, I've got better things to do, but if I am pushed to the edge the survival instincts kick in and I react, in a mild way, but coming from a person who is calm all the time, even a mild reaction usually fetches results. After all when you do not have anything, there is nothing to lose, and that's why people think they can do whatever and get away with it. But reacting is a must, retaliation is not probably the best thing to do.

Disrespect, or Killing the Ego , that's my main lesson from being self employed. You might have been earning millions before, you might earn millions in the future, but what you have now counts the most. When you depend on someone else to buy your art, you cannot expect them to treat you like a king. There are of course some people who appreciate what you do, but more often than not people treat you like you are worthless. For me it was a big problem, I would say it is a big problem. I have to constantly remind myself, your past does not matter, your future does not matter, what you do now that's what you are and you cannot let people get to you. I react sometimes if someone treats me in a demeaning manner, but I have learnt to keep quiet. And for me that's the biggest positive that has come out in last year or so.. I wanted to be humble more than I was, and you know what, I have been humbled, not by their compassion by their ego. One of these days i told myself, a little part of me just died, that huge ego of being well educated and well brought up..

Not getting paid is not something to whine about, but when each and every penny you earn govern your state of life, it becomes a bit more important than usual. People find it hard to let go of money.. I understand that sentiment, I share that too. I have realised that money is useless when you have it in excess or when you are not in need. Recently one of my friends died due to kidney failure, we could have spent how much ever we wanted to get him a new kidney, he contracted Jaundice two days before the transplant and then the entire renal system failed, dialysis could extend his life only by 15 months. How much ever money we had was not going to help him live , because that's the worth of money sometimes, nothing.

If you have not bored yourself to death and has reached here , then I would say why i wrote all this, when you are self employed, you do not get to ponder your thoughts, its a struggle for survival every moment and as everyone needs to I also need to open up some time. This is me talking to myself, in a very clear tongue that I can read and convince myself about everything that has happened is for a reason. In ten days it would be one year of self employment, I am broke and I do not have anything with me, but I can still sleep in peace because I do not know what tomorrow has in store for me, I do not have to worry about it, I do not have to speculate about it, I do not have to predict anything. I will wake up as I wake up everyday, just thinking; Not Today, I'll die another day...

Everybody Lies!

2013-05-08T14:58:00.001+05:30

I was watching House M.D , after a long time and every time Hugh Laurie utters "Everybody Lies!" it resounds through my head. Lie is a choice that we all make for one reason or the other. There is an inherent instinct in all human beings to lie. May be it is a part of the survival instinct that is hardwired into us since the time we were born. As I think more about it, I feel that its an involuntary action that happens when someone is trying to avert unpleasant things, similar to popping up from the water while you are trying to drown yourself in a bath tub.

Why do people lie? Reasons are many. Parents lie about things to their children to protect them. Children lie to their parents not to burden them. Students lie to escape punishments. Teachers lie to ensure students do their part perfectly. But I suppose these lies unless told continually for a long time is going to cause nothing drastic. But lie is a lie, where do we draw the line?

People lie to protect themselves from trauma and dealing with situations. I think the brain itself has been designed to be in denial about things which is too stressful to handle. People have memory loss, blackouts when they experience something traumatic. The brain itself lies to us saying that nothing happened. So is lying something which is essential for survival? I do not know the answer to that question.

Honesty is appreciated always, not that it is going to benefit one always in all circumstances. Being honest is one's choice, makes the person respectable and vulnerable at the same time. Honest people are predictable and usually highly self critical. Honesty is something that is cultivated in one person from childhood, he or she is never going to be able to deal with lying to another person or being lied to. Its a matter of right and wrong for them. The argument for both parties are highly convoluted and abstract and I would require thousands of pages to explain, and after that also there is a good chance that I will fail to explain it. I'll leave it here.

Truth and lie are very abstract concepts like right and wrong. If someone asks for what time it is right now and I say 2:42 PM , i can be right or wrong depending upon the accuracy of the time which is required for the listener. I did not lie, yet he did not get the truth. I was right in what I told, but I might have given the wrong time. Truth, Lie, Wrong, Right are all time variants. It changes with time and can reverse itself or stay the same. The only thing that is constant is the picture of things at a certain moment.

I know this is a philosophical way of looking at things. But I never understand the concept of truth and lie , because people are most comfortable dealing with things in a way which is suited for their benefit. Some might call it being selfish and some might call it survival instinct. Whichever way it is, people are not gonna stop lying, they are not going to stop being honest and they will draw a line where they find it difficult to cross forth. But Everybody Lies! and its a choice whether we deny it or accept it.

Dreadful Choice( Another man Inside)

2013-04-26T14:08:00.001+05:30

There was never was a day, where I thought
I would do what I did last night,
Where I traded every drop of love I had ,
For a handful of currency notes that I got.
When did I fall in to the abyss of gold and glitter,
Where did I lose my integrity and will to love,
I can always explain myself with all the words,
But the words are words and that's all it will ever be.
I saw myself changing to a different man,
When the cloak I wore was the same as always,
I looked myself in the mirror and thought I was the same,
I pinched myself to remind that it was not a dream.
I got no choice than to live with what I did,
I still have to trust myself to love with the same heart that I betrayed,
I never thought I will be what I am right now,
Nor did I know that there is another man inside my own hood.
But I hope I'll never have to do what I did last night,
I hope I'll never have to make that dreadful choice of money over love and camaraderie.

Another soul crushing experience, when you have to choose between your dear ones and mere survival.

Where are we headed?

2013-04-25T17:17:00.000+05:30

This is the question that most of us ask, or most of us ignore. Some people think that they know where they are headed, some people think we'll see as it comes, but its all about looking ahead and figuring out what next. I might write 500 words here which mostly can turn out as a waste of time for people who read it. When you woke up in the morning today, did you think that you will be reading something like this today? If you did, then you are psychic and you do not need to read further to know what has been written.

I think I'll rather take my example than anyone else, I once decided to marry a girl when I was 20 and then have kids and even decided the names. 4 years later , I am not married, I do not have kids and I think that decision was the best a 20 year old boy can make at that point. If there were alternate timelines with that moment of my life, going in different directions , then in one of those I would have been married, and may be in most other scenarios I might not be. That is how I would answer the question, where are you headed.

There are infinite possibilities of what can happen in the next second, I might be writing this continuously, or my phone might ring and the computer crashes, and I lose all the things I have written so far. If I cannot be certain about what happens in the next moment, how can i answer the question, where do I see myself in next 5 years. That is one of the questions asked in most interviews, which I think is very stupid. Ambitions and desires are always the driving forces to achieve what one wants, but they are definitely not the benchmark to decide how much you can achieve.

Here is the problem that I have with setting goals in life. Goals are of two kinds broadly, one is materialistic and another is not materialistic at all. Materialistic goals such as buying a car, buying a house etc have a straightforward path, which is easier to achieve. The other goals such as happiness, success, satisfaction are so relative that there is no way someone can achieve it. How much happy can a person be, there is no bound. Success is another thing which can only be measured once you compare it with others. All those things that we see everyday, all that things that we do everyday which we dub as a success, they are just another phase, because all that one has to do to be successful is to climb one branch up. Now is that success, thats a debate that can go on forever. What is this personal triumph word that people use a lot, I guess its about bettering oneself in comparison with the past. Then we all have had so many personal triumphs , we learn a new thing everyday, so you better yourself without knowing it.

In essence there is no answer for where we are headed, there will never be one. Setting goals without living today is the mistake that man has done forever, there is nothing special in us compared to any other animal when it comes to life and death. Live for today, not for tomorrow, not because of yesterday. I want to close, with a quote from Dalai Lama " Man he sacrifices his health to make money, then he sacrifices money to recuperate health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he forgets to live in the present, the result being he does not live in the present nor in the future, he lives as if he is never going to die, and dies having never really lived".

Another brick in the wall

2013-04-08T03:20:00.000+05:30

I am 24 years old, a graduate in Computer Science Engineering from one of the best colleges in India. Had a job which paid close to a lac every month. But I left all of it for something that I wanted to do in my life. Play music. Its been an year since I have quit my work and I am doing what I do.

And I have been judged by people in every level. Family , friends, acquaintances all have the same question. Why are you throwing away something like that? You have a nice future, security in life, money, a nice marriage and kids etc etc. You are being foolish, you are being selfish, you do not care for anybody other than yourself and what not.

The concerns are not financial, not moral, the concerns of all the people around me is the society, how well you are going to fare in the society; how much do the people respect you, and respect of course in the current Indian society is governed by how much money and status you have. Its just some sort of iteration that my generation has to carry out because the previous generation has done the same. Marrying , having kids, raising them and then asking them to do the same.

Why bother raising the children if you want them to follow suit. Every individual is different and has his own forte. Why use family as a shield and a source of emotional blackmail and clutter the young mind. Children in India are not allowed to dream anymore. Politics is governed by the sons and daughters of politicians. Entertainment sector is governed by families. The sons and daughters of stars whether they are good or not become the next stars, the society is not allowed to choose anything, they have been given something and the unbelievable thing is that they accept it without questioning it.

If the big guys are asking their children to just follow the family "business" then why can't a middle class father think that his or her children should follow suit. There are family of actors, family of doctors and family of monotonous mind numbing jobs. Children are sent to coaching at age 10 or 11 for clearing the exams for an IIT coaching class. The time they have to spent figuring out their creativity and enjoy the childhood they are put into a race. They are trained as robots with the lure of a great life and luxury. How can a 10 year old make a decision about his life, the parents take that decision for him. And parents keep on taking the decisions till they pass away. He starts working in his early twenties right after his studies, if he takes an year break to enjoy some time its another unforgivable sin. He runs a race till he falls down exhausted and passes the mantle of socially approved norms to his children, The result is another generation which is no improvement on the previous one.

I have been self employed for over 11 months and I have been treated like shit by people, tipped in bouts by strangers, ripped off by event organisers, mistreated by waiters in a restaurant where I play music. I have learnt more about life in last 11 months than the 23 years before it. And no matter how much I earn or however I am treated I am independent and I live my life the way I want it to. The price one has to pay for it is heavy, you lose your social life, friends, family and even the parents don't get it.

What has happened to India? India the rising power, India the land of rich cultural heritage, India the land of arts, culture and diversity, India the land where hobbies have to remain hobbies and not a profession, India the land where people do not respect you when you wear sandals to a high end restaurant, India the land where a garland will be put on a homeless guy if he is wearing a suit, India where everything is Hippocratic, India the land where the people have stopped living their dreams.

People remember Milkha Singh, Sachin Tendulkar, Rajinikanth, M.S. Subbulakshmi, Narayana Murthy and all those personalities, their life is always quoted as a true success story, an adventure and what not. These are people who lived their dreams, made it to the helm, stayed there, outstanding achievers. But there are a lot more people out there who have success in their own right, make a good living, may be not in the lime light as much. Artists whose paintings are fabulous but their name are unknown. Dancers who are brilliant but are back up for the hero and heroine in a movie dance sequence, singers who sing chorus. As for me life, security and all those socially approved things is not even close to the value of a person listening to my music with intent and giving a very silent applause or a smile at the end of the song.

Dreams need to be big, There are always chances that you fail, but you will know that you have tried and failed. No regrets. But the youth in this country are stifled by society and family values which kill their dreams. One person leaving a "socially approved" job , and going out of the comfort zone is not gonna change anything. But I did my part, and it came at a price.

Wake up everyone, let your dreams take shape, let the hopes be high and spread your wings and fly.
And let the children live their dream, don't kill before it buds, every child has a right to choose what he wants, let him try his best, let him fail, let him learn.

And for those who have dared to do what they want in life, I know you have been frowned upon, I know you have been judged by everyone around you, but you and me both know that we can sleep well at night, knowing that tomorrow has something in store for us

But for now , All in all you're just another brick in the wall.

Drift away

2013-02-26T13:40:00.001+05:30

I have waited, for so long,
Come into me.
I am drifting, in this world,
like a feather, hold me

When I fly away and find my way
to the world, where there is no sorrow
When I hold your hand and I finally fall
In love, I'll leave this world tonight

Drift away.. Drift away.. From this world of sorrow
To the place where still its green and life isn't hollow

Solve the troubles, and run for the glory,
but In this world, triumph is nothing
Leaving ain't easy, but I gotta do what I gotta do.

Drift away.. Drift away.. From this world of sorrow
To the place where still its green and life isn't hollow

Recording of Drift Away - Jam

Knock, Knock , It's your past life.

2012-12-18T18:11:00.004+05:30

There I was lying down on my bed,
When I heard a knock on the door,
Little did I know who or what came to me,
But it was the past who was knocking the door.

I saw it and panicked, "Oh what do I do?,
"I can handle it well, but should I try ?",
Nevertheless I opened the door and let it inside,
It seemed not so different from when I saw it last.

I mustered the courage to ask a few questions,
But it was awfully silent as though in remorse,
I felt I had to pat its back and give a hug,
But hesitated, cos' it bit me hard the last time.

Minutes went by and I realised its the present,
Though the remnants seems to have its hold on me,
I dealt with me before and me before that,
And I like the one I am now, the best of all.

Sometimes my past comes waving around,
And its always a choice to shake hands or chop it down,
But today I did have a smile on my face,
Because memories, they are so much better, When they are lost beyond recollection.

Sky Dive

2012-12-09T16:48:00.002+05:30

Falling, Falling from the sky, Arms flailing in the air,
Reaching , Reaching for the rainbow,for something to hold on
Buoyant in the air, for the last few moments of my life,
Was it worth it the risk, or is it a folly like any.

Hearing, Hearing the murmurs and voices of the past,
Feeling, Feeling the heart beat so fast in my ear,
Joy and sorrow all mixed up in an ugly cocktail,
Flying down from the heavens to the rocky shores beneath.

Memories, they look so better when its lost,
Like bits and pieces sewed together with patches,
Fill the voids with what you want to see,
Fill the silence with what you want to hear.

Falling, Falling towards the ground, with a smile on my face,
Screaming, Screaming for the chute to go off and save me,
Hoping for another chance, to make things right,
Here I come crashing down from the sky.

The Ocean

2012-12-07T17:39:00.000+05:30

Calm and serene, blue and beautiful,
And spread out as far as my eye can reach,
The cold breeze carrying its soul to my hands,
I felt the touch of yesteryears lost in the wind.

Bottles cast aside on the shore, from distant seas,
The tales they could tell, they were never lost,
When the time turns one full circle,
They all come back to life.

Wind in my hair, chill in my bones,
And the sun in the horizon set sail to the other world,
The gamut of colours disappear,
And the night slowly began its story.

There is a whirlwind in my mind,
Which seems to have disappeared into thin air,
The tides brought the water to touch my feet,
As if holding my hand in despair.

And as I walked along the shore, till I reached the end of the world,
I saw seasons change and people disappear,
But the ocean was blue and beautiful,
As it always has been.

Don't crush that flower

2012-11-22T07:25:00.002+05:30

Society, crazy eyed beast,like a black hole, you pull everyone in,
Hold you have on people, is strong and strangling,
Choke as you wish till the life squeezes out of them,
Laugh, as you do your ceremonial execution of the estranged.

Society, you remind them of the past, when they try to put it behind,
Stares you give, rules you impose, Killing the ray of hope they have left,
Basking in the glory of the incandescent lights of your creation,
Even sunlight seems scarce for your beliefs to be lit.

Society, What does rehabilitation mean to your suspicious eyes ?
Condescending and judgmental are your views, have you turned blind?
Don't crush that flower which is already dry,
Don't cut that stem thinking its already dead.

Society, Open up your eyes, the time is running out of your life,
The judgment is coming swift and sharp, and it won't be long,
Don't pity them in any way you can, Don't let them feel alone in the crowd,
Lift your eyes up look straight and walk, Let them pass by like one of you.

-- This is about rehabilitation and how our society treats victims of rape, child abuse, rehabilitated criminals. How they are pushed to the extreme and denied a second chance.

Sky Screams Red

2012-11-15T14:02:00.002+05:30

Run for your life, It's coming for you
The glorified effigies are burning behind you,
Hold on tight, The ride's gonna be tough,
Let's make it to another world, Before the sky screams red.

Join in here, but there is no room left for you,
Hold tight on the tail, may be you've got some luck,
Do not look down, the ground's filled with our blood,
Let's look ahead, before the sky spits fire.

My old man told me this day was coming,
He grew up hearing stories of hatred and war,
But this was too soon, I hardly had time to flee,
I gotta run and stay awake till I can sleep.

I am losing the noise, may be its getting louder,
I feel darkness in my eyes, may be its getting brighter,
A chill went through my bones, like its getting colder,
I see the sky and stars, and it still screams red.

State of Affairs

2012-11-15T13:59:00.000+05:30

I am wandering the world,In search of redemption,
People in the street stamped me an exception,
But I do not have a choice other than to go on.

People hailed the bravery, they hailed the decision,
But there were some who looked with contempt and derision,
I chose to close my ears, in search of a new proposition.

Redemption is a tricky word, used well and true seldom in my time,
Passion is way overrated, For it does not give you a dime,
I do not have a choice other than to move on and bide my time.

I am still wandering, searching for the truth they say exists,
I am tired and worn out, but "Keep Going", my mind insists,
I still have to nowhere to go, but I do not have a choice but to move on.