Hakuna-Matata

Where Have I Been?!?

2013-05-07T18:21:00.001-07:00

I was touched to get an email from a reader(who I dont know in "real" life) asking if I'm okay and where Ive been and whats new...well I think months between updates is entirely too long. I do write a lot, just dont always publish them, nothing against you folks but its a great outlet for me and not EVERY thought has to be shared. Promise nothing big or exciting is happening that I wont share ;)

So moving onwards!

Work: I got a new job! It was bittersweet leaving the boys I nannied for after two years but it was time! I was overworked, stressed to the max and underpaid for all that I was doing. I now work for a daycare about 5 minutes from home with kids with and without special needs. I feel like its "where I belong" I have done so much volunteer work with people with disabilities and have always wanted to do more-well heres my chance! The staff is so friendly and welcoming, the dress code INCLUDES yoga pants and I work shorter days which allows me to spend more time with Jaelynn, which is always awesome!

Jaelynn: I think with me working away from her (she stays home with Daddy..for now!) she really does miss me! When I get home her attitude explodes and I know its her way of lashing out, but oy vey!!! I think a lot of it is just HER and well being four but I do get to spend more time and need to make the best of it, before I know it I will be sending her off to school :( Shes getting ready for her big dance recital in a little over a month, and shortly after that girl scout camp for 2nd year in a row, with me!

Me: I'm trying to adjust to a new lighter work load, re-focusing on the weight loss and staying positive about life. I get emotional this time of year, mostly happy tears but tears nonetheless...its so crazy how fast time flies and how much time I spent in self pity and wishing my life was easier, just once. Lots of outside time now that its nicer and its wedding season, so we stay busy!

So basically lifes been a blur, lots of doctor appointments-shocking, I know, and lots of happiness but also some disappointments. Thats life though, nothing is perfect but I may not handle things the way you think I should but I deal with it and that is all that matters. I face it, I cry to it, I fight it, and in the end I defeat it

Promise not to be gone so long next time ;)

Life Update Time

2013-01-22T09:22:00.004-08:00

Ive been neglecting this blog. I suppose life happens and I had this great idea to blog my weight loss journey and totally dropped the ball on that.

Weight Loss: I started a weight loss challenge with some friends and the top three "Losers" of percentage of body fat get cash money. We all paid $25 to join and so far so good! I'm down 7lbs since the challenge started and 10punds since Christmas. Most of what is helping me is using the myfitnesspal app and website (If you use it too add me as a friend! AmandaRogers917) Realizing how much you eat and how good/bad it is for you makes you think twice before scarfing down a second serving, plus ALL my friends who use the app can see and help hold me accountable, cheer me on, or make suggestions. Its great to be doing this with others-plus I am a super competitive person so there is a huge part of me that just wants to win, of course theres no losing in this (except the weight and inches!) The competition goes until March and I plan to maintain the same diet/exercise routine long after until I feel okay with the way I feel and look. I dont want to be a size 4 just a healthier weight and once I complete this I am stoked to go shopping for new clothes! Last time I did this was shortly after Jaelynn was born...shes going on 5 years old, the time is now!

Work: As much as I love the freedom I have being a nanny and having my daughter with me at work, I hate working such long hours and being too tired to do much of anything by the time I get home. Making dinner is a huge deal for me so thankfully Justin has been helping out with that-just wish I was home before 630 to enjoy it while its hot. I work on average 12 hours a day 5 days a week and its just gotten worse...they feel like its my job to raise their kids for them while she goes out to dinner with a girlfriend or grabs a drink at the bar...shes off at 245, why is she not home till 530-600!? The past week or so the dad is in Mexico for work and will be for a total of three weeks-so that makes my day even longer because I start an hour earlier so she can make it to work on time...needless to say I'm ready for a change! This summer I will spend job hunting-hopefully I can make it happen before September!

Jaelynn: This little girl amazes me more and more each day! Shes learning so much, can write her full name, recognize what month and day it is and just keeps surprising me with things she knows. I got a new phone and the default image was "galaxy" and she looks at it at says "oh its the milky way" how the hell does she know such things?! haha I do admit that I work with her on letters,numbers and writing...we do read a lot but damn! Shes a smart cookie and I'm excited to see what the school says when she goes in for Kindergarten Screening...signing her up for school was more emotional for me than I anticipated. It seems like it was just yesterday that I found out I was pregnant and now I'm preparing to send her off to school-so crazy! She is excited and I am too but still so very sad! Part of it is probably due to the fact that I thought we'd have a little brother or sister by now but it is what it is and instead of prepping a nursery we made her an awesome play room...so excited to not have my living room covered in toys and she has her own space to play,learn and take time for herself :)

Me: Iknow lots of people give me the allusion they care about where I am with the baby making and frankly I stopped sharing so much with people to save myself some heartache and frustrations. Unless you've had a loss, fertility issues or just are a great friend you really dont understand how I feel which is fine, but then so many are judgmental about the choices I make to expand my family, its no ones business and Its my fault for originally putting it out there but lesson learned! Ihave a great group of support and Idont feel the need to share as much beacuse between support groups Ive attended or ladies who have same issues as me I turn to them first-nothing personal against my friends just they can relate and offer advice or tips as needed. I guess if you REALLY wanted to know about it I'm an open book, just ask! Losing weight is easier/harder than I thought. The first week was hell, I was hungry, cranky and tired. Felt so weak and blahh, now three weeks later I feel on tip of the world! Still have a long way to go but baby steps will get me there :)

Looking Back...

2013-01-01T14:12:00.001-08:00

Just earlier today I was doing a deep clean on my room-especially my closet. I have this small bin where I kept notes, yearbooks some photos and well all the good memories of my childhood, to be honest its a larger shoebox and sadly its the only good things I remember. My D.A.R.E certificate, silly awards from elementary school and a flash drive.

I remember getting this flash drive(when they first came out!) for my birthday. I was so excited to see if there was anything good on it, but in reality is a bit rusted and didnt think it would even work. Much to my surprise it did! I found old photos of Justin and I when we first dated (over 8 years ago!) some journals that I had typed and poetry I wrote. I go through the photos smiling, it reminds me of when life was simple and all I ever worried about then was spending time with Justin. The poems are mostly dark and twisty-yes I was seriously depressed for a very long time. I never really talk about it but was on medication, seeking counseling and writing out my feelings. It worked for me back then and once I got pregnant with Jaelynn I stopped taking my meds (they were unsafe for pregnancy) and sort of just dealt with life as is comes ever since.

Overall I do okay with it. Of course I have days, weeks and sometimes months where I'm a hott mess and random things will trigger my past and then I cant always turn it off. Back then the things I was so upset over were and are so very different than now. I was sexually abused and no one ever believed me when I tried to get help, so after that I just kept it all inside.It wasnt until I met Justin that I realized I didnt have to be taken advantage of. I didnt have to be shy and quiet about it, and the most important thing I learned was this was NOT okay and I needed to tell my abuser to stop. The hardest part was it was someone I lived with-so we saw each other daily and often the other members of my house were gone when the abuse happened. I remember laying there feeling so lost, empty and alone. It still kills me to this day that I let it go on as long as I did but I was a child. I didnt know any better and when I tried to tell someone it got swept under the rug as if I was a dustbunny that was nothing to worry about.

Someone stole my innocence, a memory I cant get out of my head. It haunts me still to this day and I dont think that will ever go away. I have gotten the help I needed since then but there are some things in life that will forever be etched in your mind, some good, some bad and some just scary. This is one of those things. I am grateful for those friends back then who let me vent to them and helped me realize I was not alone in this. the ARCh Youth Team was a big outlet for me, a place I could go be safe and share my feelings without being judged. Of course when things got serious with Justin and I (crazy to think we've been together almost 9 years!) he saved me in more ways than one.

Anyways thought itd be theraputic to put it out there and open up my dark past that so many are strangers too-it was nothing personal just hard for me to talk about even back then writing was my passion; it helped me get through some of my most difficult moments.

The Year in Review: 2012

2012-12-30T20:22:00.000-08:00

The Year in Review: 2012

1. What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before?

Gone to a Green Bay Packer Game , seen a fertility specialist, gone a majority of the year with no health insurance, learned to crochet and got to spend more time with Jaelynn (more than any year of her life!)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?

My goals for last year were to look at things with a positive outlook-definitely room for improvement but new goals being set for next year

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I feel like SOmany of my friends had babies this year-it would quite possibly take a year to list them all,but congrats to all the new mommies/daddies!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Thankfully no!

5. What states/countries did you visit?

None, we were homebodies

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?

Increased patience and a stronger faith

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 26th-One year cancer free :)

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Remaining cancer free, spending more time with Jaelynn

9. What was your biggest regret of the year?

Not making time for the things and people I should.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I feel like we've all been sick alot but nothing too serious. Jaelynn's had the worst of it all

11. What was the best thing you bought?

New digital camera

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Justin for putting up with me and being a wonderful husband!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

They know who they are...

14. Where did most of your money go?

Bills

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Being pregnant (even though never worked out how we planned) Getting tickets to the Packer Game

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?

There's Always Time for Life by Randi Driscoll

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Meh, should be happier but in a funk

ii. thinner or fatter? thinner

iii. richer or poorer? Richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Spending time with those I love, stressing less and living more

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Worrying, working.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

With friends and family, various celebrations with different folks

22. Did you fall in love in 2012?

No one new...just loving my life as a mommy and wife more and more

23. How many one-night stands?

It doesn’t count as a one night stand when you are married!

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, Sister Wives, Teen Mom, 2 broke girls, Guliana and Bill, Glee...I could go on and on

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No real hate here… just general annoyance

26. What was the best book you read?

I loved Effortless and Thoughtless by SC Stephens

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Pandora. I had never used it before, and LOVE to have it on hand when I am home!

28. What did you want and get?

Packer Tickets, new bras-may seem little but this is huge for me( no pun intended)

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

Odd Life of Timothy Green

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

Turned 24, dinner with Friends at Carrabas

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Having some people here who are not with us any more. other than having another baby here with us

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?

Practical and comfy-lots of tshirts and sweats! ha

33. What kept you sane?

Justin, my TTC Ladies and great friends

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Aaron Rodgers, Patrick Dempsey

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

Obama/Romney Election-various reasons!

36. Who did you miss?

Papa

37. Who was the best new person you met?

There has been so many, hard to pick "thebest"

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:

Love is unconditional. Things will not be perfect. People will not be perfect. But, we will love deeply and passionately and completely, just the same.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down
Oh no, I've got to keep on moving
Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
I'm running and I won't touch ground
Oh no, I've got to keep on moving

Now you got that stuck in your head,,haha I know I do!

2012, You Taught Me Well

2012-12-17T10:22:00.001-08:00

With there only being two weeks left in the year I thought itd be a nice recap to make a list of things I learned from this year. It was indeed a better year than 2011 but still more than I would have liked to deal with. I guess at the end of the day I have my health, people who love me and a reminder that life is short and unpredictable

Some more things I learned(in no particular order)

Not to rush things that aren't fully ready yet. Just chill and relax and everything will fall into place by itself-someway somehow! This seems to be the mantra of my year. Whenever something bad would happen it was almost always followed by something great that made the bad part seem so miniscule

No matter how close to a person you are, they will show their true colors eventually. I dont fight often with my good friends, and to be honest I have one friend who I've known half my life and never had a big fight with till this year. It was a petty thing over senseless drama but I learned alot about my friends and myself during this crazy year.

The ones you love can be taken from you. Never forget to tell someone you love them while you have the chance. I think this one stands out alot right now, more than usual. Partially because of the Newtown shooting. Thankfully no one I was close to this year passed away (think we had an over abundance last year)but just imagining dropping your child off at school to learn, play and explore then not having them return-ahh there are no words that can fully describe how that would feel. Life is short, some way shorter than others so over use the words I love you and stay in touch with all those you care about.

Don't be afraid of what people think. Like what you like, wear what you want to wear, and be who you want to be This reminds me of the Dr. Suess quote "Those who matter dont mind and those who mind dont matter" I spent a majority of my life being me but find myself acting slightly different around certain people. This year more than ever I just said F*!# it! Last year was a real eye opener and trying to please everyone is nearly impossible-therefore I quit trying! I worry bout myself, my daughter and husband. Past that it doesnt really matter. Of course I do my best to be the best I can to my friends and other family but in the end thats all that matters.

To never give up, stay strong and things will always get better I struggle with this one often, but I did learn that things cant and wont be bad forever. So many people have it way worse off and they still find the strength and will to get up each day and make the best of it, so why cant I!? If it weren't for my strength Id be dead-no joke. After the past couple of years of trials and tribulations somehow I made it through and am living proof things can get better.

Maturity is not based on age but on how you deal with your problems Nothing more needs to be said about this one:)

Apologizing doesn't mean that you are wrong it just shows that you value your relationship more than your ego I had to learn this the hard way but as long as I got something positive out of it, thats all that matters, right?!

There you have it, well some of it! I'm sure if I was well-rested this list would be a lot longer. Thanks for sharing this crazy ride with me!

Stronger

2012-12-06T12:37:00.000-08:00

Whenever I hear that word I instantly start singing the song "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson but that song has some great lyrics! Despite it being (what I assume is a bad breakup?) I can relate to it in different ways...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes you fighter

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'bout me

and then it ends with

I'm not alone

That last line of the song resonates in my mind over and over . This song helps me cope with a few things, but mostly with my "infertility" I hate saying that word because people automatically assume I cant possibly have issues that could label me as an infertile because I do have a child but those people would be wrong. There are different variations of being infertile and I along with 10% of the people of the United States face this each and every day. Sure it may not a big deal to those who dont want kids, or who arent actively trying to conceive but its one of the hardest things I've dealt with in my life thus far.

Aside from not having the most healthy diet I could, I have done everything in my power to get checked, have labs drawn, supplement with vitamins and even cut out caffeine and for the most part alcohol (ill explain that in a bit!) yet the odds are still against me.

About two months weeks ago I found out I was pregnant-again. I went to urgent care for a crazy bad sinus infection and told them my story and they insisted on drawing blood before treating my symptoms to be sure I was or was not indeed pregnant. (the meds they wanted to give me I wouldnt be able to take if I was pregnant)When they told me the news I was shocked, thrilled, anxious and ready to finally make Jaelynn a big sister. Just 48 hours AFTER this had all happened I called my RE(fertility doctor) for some cramping, which is normal in pregnancy, but with my history of losses I dont mess around. He instructed me to go to ER and get examined and lo and behold mys beta number had dropped significantly which only means it was not a viable pregnancy. I have been actively TTC for 22 months- thats a long time to still be longing for another baby and getting so close then having it all fail, again!

This is all being rehashed because I thought I was over and done with this...but my body didnt do what its supposed to so now I have to have another D&C to get all the tissue out...a bit TMI but its the truth and I dont wanna filter! yay me...? I just wish I could never have this happen again and just maybe bring home a baby in the near future...if I dont thats okay too I just really want a sign either way that yes it will happen or no move on.

Dear Teenage Self

2012-11-25T13:56:00.001-08:00

I decided to write my self a letter-started as a joke between a few friends but the more I thought about it the cooler I thought it would be to see what I would tell myself...so here it goes!

Dear Teenage year old me;

Hello there, teenage me! I expect that part way through this letter you would’ve crumpled this up, declaring it utter rubbish and hurling it in the nearest (recycling) bin. That part hasn’t changed- being “green”- but so many other things have. Trivial matters aside, there are so many other things to tell you! I am writing this from 10 years later, but there have been a lot of changes.
But, apart from things to tell, I also have a question for you- how can you see so much beauty in the world around you, and never in yourself? How can you be your own worst enemy? You can see beauty in so much, but you also need to see it in you. Everyone has something to offer the world, and try to see that you do too- even though this remains a struggle for you, try and know it in your heart of hearts to be true.

Things to DO-
- Remember everything happens for a reason. You will feel lost and alone but know it is temporary. You will have a great support system when you hit hard times-and believe me you will have hard times! Just keep fighting and have hope. Without hope for a brighter future you may as well quit now.

- Others opinions do not matter, but dreams do. Why not follow all of them? Write as much as you do now forever-it will be a great outlet for anger, frustrations, joy and love. Cherish those silly photos-it will bring a smile to your face on days when you need it the most.

-Life will never be how you pictured it to be. Sure some things will be just as planned but not in the timely manner you expected it to be! Embrace everything when it happens...especially pregnancy and motherhood! It may be your only shot at it.

-Make time for your friends and family you care about. Life is short and it can all change in a blink of an eye. Always tell everyone how much you love and appreciate them.

Now, some DONT'S
-Don’t leave anything to the last minute! You are getting much better at this!! But in your future career, you literally can’t.

-Don’t believe that just because some boy harassed you, offended you and creeped the heck out of you, doesn’t mean that someone else far better won’t come along, and believe me he has already come along (hint, hint- you know him already!!).

-Don’t believe those who insult you, and poke at your appearance, and if they have a problem with you, be sad for them that they cannot see the beauty in those around you as you do.

-Don't believe that you are undeserving of every praise that is given to you- someone said something wonderful to you out of the kindness of their heart- it would just be rude to throw it back in their face.
Perhaps, try to view yourself as you view others, and stop being your own harshest critic.
You will find your niche, it may just be harder than you expected, and only after many, many changes you will find it to be in the simplest and most natural of places- the very start.

Lastly, remember critics are often people trying to build themselves up off the back of the failure of others, and why should anyone listen to the opinion of someone like that? Be kind to everyone, and try to be kind to yourself foremost.

May the force be with you, and know that everything will be okay in the end; if its not okay than its not the end!. I don’t know that for sure, as I haven’t gotten to the end yet, but starting to believe it is the first step to making it come true.
xoxo

-Amanda (age24)

Grateful, Thankful and Blessed!

2012-11-07T19:21:00.004-08:00

Well its been a while since I last wrote, and I know people are sick of hearing people complain about the election, rainy weather and well life. So instead of doing my usual "I hate the world" post I'm going to write 30, yes 30 things I'm grateful for. People all over are doing this but dragging it out all month long. Frankly I wont remember to so going to jam pack it all in one blog post. Keep in mind this will be in no particular order of importance, so before the hate mail gets sent, keep that in mind!

Here goes nothing...

My health; yes, my health! Not often I can say that and hell even when I couldnt say that I know there are millions out there worse off. One person comes to mind whenever I say that, they know who they are and I hope that person and their family know I pray for them every single day. This person is diabetic, had transplants and now fighting cancer all while working, and being there for their family
I’m thankful for time…some hate it because it gives you wrinkles, or it goes by too fast, or you may feel like you’re wasting it…some want to travel in it, others want more of it. Right now I’m thankful for the time I’m given. I am even thankful for the time that has lapsed, it’s brought me where I am today. With no regrets. Time is so precious.
I’m thankful for my support system. Life can be so hard but you make it a tad bit easier. Not naming names but Ive made friends throughout the years who have been there for me during the hardest times. Thank you all!
Jaelynn, who has taught me more about life than any book, person or experience. She is the reason I fight, the reason I breathe and have hope. She reminds me time and time again how lucky SHE is to be apart of our family and I think to myself we are the lucky ones :)
Justin; for being my rock, my friend and my husband. Through sickness and in health, good times and bad hes been there for me even before we took our vows. Sure it was a bumpy road but what relationship isnt?! We always work things out and he has given me the greatest gift of all, our daughter and angel babies. For that I am forever grateful
I'm thankful for the freedoms that we are blessed with in America such as the Right to Vote! :-). Left, Right, Middle or even down right don't care.
I am thankful for rainy days and a peaceful breeze.
A great book, they let me escape reality and relax
Good drinks! Seriously-best thing to refresh, release and well just have fun
Napping...today I had the best nap and felt so refreshed! I need to do this more often
Dirty dishes-it means we had food to eat
Cuddling...with Jaelynn, Justin, the fur babies, a soft blanket, anything!
Our Veterans. No explanation needed
My amazing job, especially in this economy
Finding money in old coats/purses
Hot showers after a hard day of work to ease away the stress of the day.
Date nights
Cancer, well not having cancer but learning to appreciate life more because of it
To have the chance to get pregnant and learn more about my body, soul and strength despite the fact of bringing one healthy baby home out of 5 pregnancies
Photos, for capturing a moment in time.
The wisdom of my elders. Especially my grandma
Social Networking sites, sure its a pain the ass at times and can create drama but it allows me to reconnect with friends and family and share my life with those I dont often see
Hand-written letters. I still have every note/letter Justin ever wrote to me. Wish we did that more often...perhaps I will start!
Football season-more importantly the Packers and the chance to see a game next month! (Thanks Gehls!)
Warm fuzzy socks on a chilly day.
Music...theres a song for every mood and every situation
Great team of doctors who keep me in check-I owe an aweful lot to them!
The fine folks at the Women's Center inWaukesha. They helped me more than words can express both in the past and even now.
My TTC ladies-you know who you are and know you are loved. Its nice to vent, rant and get advice from other ladies in similar situations
Life and being able to celebrate another birthday in a few weeks :)

I really need to sit out and do this more often, we all forget how much have even when we think the world is crashing down.

What are YOU thankful for?

Somebody's Always Worse Off!

2012-10-13T22:27:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write all my feelings. I have so much emotion, so much fear, anxiety, hope and excitement that I don't know where to start. Nothing has changed. Not for good or for bad so why am I not relieved, or content?! I wish I freaking knew!!!

Today (well technically yesterday seeing as how its almost 1230am) was Papa's birthday. We never really did much to celebrate it when he was here, at least not the last five years he was with us and today was not much different. We HAD plans to finally visit the grave site, eat Reuben Sandwiches and drink Pepsi while we finally get our closure...but of course life happened and between crappy weather and lack of funds for gas we we rent able to go. Part of me thinks it happened this way for a reason-not sure what it is but somethings up! Maybe he didn't want us to come because we still aren't strong enough for it? It has been a year and Justin and I have yet to go out there for a few different reasons but this is the one time we both were ready and almost excited for it. Rather than going out there Jaelynn and I made a cake. Didn't do anything special with it but we acknowledged that it was Papa's birthday cake and oddly enough that seemed to be just fine. Strange how things work out.

As far as everything else goes theres nothing new to report. No news is good news, right!? No doctors poking and prodding, no crazy medications to get pregnant, and overall no major life events that have me insanely stressed. When I talk to others about my day to day life they are surprised with how calm I am these days. Sure life is never ideal or perfect but I'm trying to stay positive about everything. Money's a bit tight, we have no health insurance and my daughter is acting like a completely different kid but I have yet to have a break down over any of this. Its so strange! Few months back or really ANYTIME in the past Id be hyperventilating in the bathroom while trying to appear calm and okay but its just not worth it to me to stress over the petty things. Okay, these aren't"petty" but they could be a lot worse! We are all healthy and alive and today that is enough for me. Somebody is always worse off and I'm making that my new life mantra.

Whenever I go to complain about this or that I find myself stopping and thinking...is this REALLY a problem or a minor inconvenience? More often than not is just an annoyance that too will pass with time. I have NO idea why its taken me this long to appreciate everything, good or bad, but better late than never! I have a lot to be thankful for and its about damn time I show it.

This week is a busy one for us...work, parties, and then back to the good ole days of Teen Time! When I was in school I volunteered with an organization ARCh (Association for the Rights of Citizens with handicaps) and my most favorite thing about all my 5 years there was the monthly get togethers with teens with and without disabilities :) This time around I'm the adult chaperone, still seems surreal but I'm stoked to be helping out! This month is a camp themed get together where we will sing songs by a fire and roast marshmallows. My three favorite things! Next month is cookie baking (again ALL over that one!) and then the ever so famous Bowl A Thon! Seriously this is what I was born to do :)

Till next time folks....

Been So Long...!

2012-10-07T17:03:00.002-07:00

Sorry I've been neglecting to the blog lately...life got in the way and I've had a lot going on! Doctors galore, dance class, work and well trying to stay a float!

I thought to myself many a time that I need to write my feelings out but there were a few days where I did nothing by cry and worry which does nothing other than completely exhaust me and stress me out more. I was afraid if I wrote out my exact feelings I'd have friends calling the local mental hospital to have me committed, and to be honest if I were them Id feel the same way!

Let me back track a bit-for those who dont follow me on facebook (or do and somehow missed it) I went in a month or so ago for labs to check to be sure things were all going well. My thyroid level was perfect which is good especially for the baby making in terms of getting pregnant and staying pregnant. Before I did those tests I called my oncologist to see if he could put his orders into the lab too so I could get it all done at once. A few days go by and I get a call from Oncologist to come in ASAP...needless to say I freak the fuck out! Who wouldnt?! My complete blood count (CBC) is "abnormal" so I had a PET scan to see where the cancer was...they were convinced thats what it was just needed to find out where. Luckily the scan was clear and a giant weight was lifted but the doctors werent happy...what was causing all if this?! Few more blood draws, scans and appointments and still no definite answers. All outcomes are less than thrilling....

**I wrote ALL of the above like a month ago, now to carry on but of course NOT where I left off haha**

Biopsy ended up NOT needed, thank goodness! Levels seem to be coming down so I will go in for more labs in a week or so (from now) to be sure its still coming down...whew, dodged a bullet there! So as usual they dont know what caused it or helped it...oh well!

With that being said we are back to trying for baby #2...we took a mini break and I actually sold pretty much all things baby that i bought for future "maybe baby" and it wasnt an easy choice but all the things went to those who will actually use it NOW and not 10 years from now ha ha. It was refreshing, gave me a weight off my shoulders and let me relax more which cant hurt a thing! Even my doctor things that stress is the biggest factor for so many so just living life in the now and enjoying every moment of it.

Today I went to church. Yes, I said church. Those who know me know this is a big deal! Im not by any means an atheist but I guess one would describe me as agnostic. Im open to the idea of a God and willing to learn more and explore to some degree but I just have SO many questions that remain unanswered. Clearly I cannot get those answers without asking questions so giving church a second chance. Literally the only time I go to any form of church is when someone in my family dies, gets married or baptized...its just how it is for me. As I drove upto the church (which is non-denominational) I felt my chest pounding, the anxiety was kicking in full force, so bad that I sat in the parking lot for a good ten minutes before I could open the door and walk into the building. Totally unnecessary because nobody knew I was a newbie, or if they did they didnt care. The good news was the building did not go up in flames when I walked in . Obviously I dont think tht would have happened but no joke the last time I was in a church one of light fixtures fell and hit me...then another time I picked up a bible and got like 3 paper cuts-dont ask me how! Anyways it wasnt bad, I felt like the message was being spoken directly towards me and without getting into to it too much just know I plan to go back weekly. Cant hurt!

Other than that not much else new here. We did our family photos today at a local park with all the pretty fall leaves and colors so I'm anxiously awaiting for those...granted it may be a week or so but I am pretty excited!

Thanks for all the love, support, advice and dealing with my crazy self. I will finally post this! yaya!

I Swear I'm not ALL Dark and Twisty

2012-08-26T15:18:00.000-07:00

I was talking with a friend the other day about how if someone outta the blue found and read my blog posts they would think I'm one depressed individual who should probably invest in some therapy, rather than fertility treatments and get some serious help. Truth is this IS my therapy and its a hell of a lot cheaper. Usually when I write I'm feeling dark, sad or lonely so instead of being self destructive taking it out on those I care about or just simply shutting down I write and I feel better. I guess all it takes is saying how I feel even if no one else would see it helps me. I know for a fact from other readers sharing my stories has helped them cope with their own drama or stress in their life and that folks is why I share it with the world wide web. Dont like it? Dont read it!!

I do have more good days than bad but when I have a not so great day it hits me harder. Maybe its the weather, the clomid or just my brain. No matter the reason I cant control it and in the past (when I was a teen) I did try medicating myself to help but it did nothing for me other than make me feel numb which to me was worse off than when I started them. I was on meds until I was pregnant with Jaelynn and decided to just go off cold turkey and I was fine..well as fine as one can be while dealing with my life. Sure its been a roller coaster but there is always somebody worse off.

I just wanted to clarify that I'm not a crazy loon, who is always mad, sad or feeling lost. I swear the good overrides the bad :) I'm so thankful for all those that have stuck it through with me, they know who they are! Some have been there for years and years and some just recently through the TTC community. Its nice talking to those who get where I'm coming from and know just what to say to make me smile, laugh or forget about the days troubles.

Now for a little update: Not much new to report on! Just had my thryroid levels rechecked to be sure I'm on right dosage of medication and still working on Baby #2. No I new plans in store, and if this cycle didnt work out I still have four more months I can do the clomid. Past clomid Ive decided, as of now, I wont take any further steps with medications or doctors to make a baby. Ive seen how its affected relationships, bank accounts and still have people with an empty cradle. I am beyond blessed to have a healthy child so if thats all that I'm meant to have I will have to learn to accept it.

Tomorrow I go back to my full time job with the boys! I'm a bit excited to start a new school year with more of a preschool feel since all the kids are older and can understand more. So yay new school year also means my fall TV shows will be back!

Till next time...

What a Week!

2012-08-16T22:57:00.003-07:00

This is what happens when I cant sleep, my thoughts eat me up alive and I sit here at 1230am eating a grilled cheese sandwich and think about everything from what I have to do tomorrow to what I'm going to buy Jaelynn for Christmas. Definitely unsure of both.

*Side note:This is quite possibly the most delicious sandwich Ive ever eaten!*

This past week has been a test of my patience to say the least! I did have a few outbursts some legit and some just unnecessary. Nonetheless, I'm glad this week is coming to an end! Jaelynn had spent nights at the hospital, seen her doctor 2 times, Ive seen MY doctor twice and all while trying to inform the world we have exposed them all to pertussis(whooping cough) and although I think most were understanding I had a lot of negative feedback from my so called friends. Accusing me of being a neglective mom who doesnt vaccinate or take child to their doctor, etc, etc. Just to put it out there yet again, I had taken her to her pediatrician five yes FIVE different times. No one thought it was whooping cough and blamed it on allergies. The claritin did help so I assumed they were right. Even when they did the test they didnt think it was positive but treated her with the zpack to be safe...sure enough it was freaking positive. Great. Now not only is my child sick but we've been to several birthday parties, a few baby showers and every public place in Waukesha and Milwaukee County.

Anyways she is no longer contagious, but may still have the cough for upto 8 more weeks...people will just have to deal! I am by no means a people pleaser but at the same time I hate drama! I had no control over the matter and sadly lost a few close friends over it. Clearly they werent true friends if they're going to let something like this be the end of it, but I think in the end its for the better for me and my daughter. My life will not change drastically over a few less people who want nothing more than to cause drama.

Aside from that "excitement" not a whole lot is new! Finished the clomid and supposed to go get my thyroid levels checked next week...may wait another week because amidst all this I havent been remembering to take my meds, so the tests wont be too accurate. That reminds me, I should probably call the doctor to let her know I'll be in later....

I'm excited to be teaming up withe the Bissing Family and AL's Run and Walk for Childrens Hospital to help honor Owen Bissing who had passed away at six months old while also giving back to Childrens Hospital of Wisconsin (CHW). Theres still a few days to get registered, for those interested :)

Obviously millions of kids are served each year at CHW and they never turn anyone away-no matter how minor or severe or their ability to pay. I've been on their receiving end countless times growing up and now as a mother and having my own child serviced there. Without CHW I would simply not be here, not be a live and for all that they did for me I am forever grateful. Sure I dont remember every little detail about my health issues, surgeries or appointments but what I do remember is how much fun I had there. One year I was there from Halloween to Christmas and to be honest I didnt even care! I didnt feel like I missed out on trick or treating or opening gifts with my family. Instead the fine folks of CHW had so many tricks up their sleeves to make it the funnest place on the planet. For Halloween we trick or treated throughout the hospital visiting nurses stations and other units, for my 5th birthday I got a cake,balloons and a visit from Tweety Bird and Sylvester(along with my Thanksgiving dinner), and for Christmas Harley-Davidson must have had a toy drive and made sure all of us kids in the hospital had an amazing Christmas! Most of my doctors I still see to this day because I was part of a medical trial and they keep tabs on me....man little did they know how much "fun" it would be following me from 2 years old to 23 years old! I sure gave them a lot to work with ;-) Point is as much as it sucks having countless surgeries, being in the hospital and not able to play outside like a normal kid they made it all fun. I have NO bad memories of that place and I know there are far many more kids who were and are way worse off than me and thanks to CHW they will have a fighting chance while still getting to be a kid who laughs and plays.

I hope my midnight ramblings didnt scare you all off...I told you I cant shut my brain off!

Crazy on Clomid

2012-08-10T17:45:00.000-07:00

So as many of you know I've been taking clomid to help with trying to conceive (TTC) Doctor thinks its helping but clearly I'm not pregnant yet so we shall wait and see! They also said that my hypo thyroid is more than likely the cause of well everything! I have so many internal issues that I didnt share with the world...shocking, I know, but the great news is the meds are doing what they should :)

This is my second cycle on the clomid, you take it for 5 days and its VERY time specific, way too complicated to type out but if you REALLY wanna know just ask ;) Last cycle they had me on 50mg. The lowest dose. I felt awful! Nauseated, horrid headaches, light sensitive and oy vey I could go on and on. I wast sure if Id do this again. I was short tempered, moody and cried way more than I wanted to. Try not to complain, because this is something I choose to do to myself but damn, it was no fun!

When I went to doctor this month and after viewing my temperature charts (used to help figure out when you'll ovulate) she decided I should up the dose. She did say I did ovulate but my cycle wasnt how she wanted it to be. My jaw just dropped. If I was that miserable on 50mg, how would I be on 100mg?!? I was scared, warned Justin and everyone via Facebook that I could potentially be a royal B@!*h this week or even month! Not sure how long it stays in the system...I should look into that!

Anyways, today was last dose of the clomid (for this cycle) and all in all it went much better than expected! Today seems to be the most emotional day for me, but only one outburst at the US Cellular Tech guy. I was pissed though!!!

<<Insert long story here>>
I had just gotten my new phone, had it for three days and dropped it once and the whole screen shattered! When I took it in he told me to file an insurance claim (which costs $100) and they could get me a new phone. I lost it, burst into tears and just sobbed. He said well your luck is turning around because my phone plan covers FREE phone replacement. Instead of being grateful I went into a public, yes VERY public rant about my "luck". Started with showing him my hair and explaining that two weeks ago a lighter pretty much exploded in my hand and caught my freaking head on fire, then I told him how "lucky" I was to get an oil change and need two new tires and spend an extra $150 on that, how "lucky" I am to have multiple miscarriages (yes I went there!) and of course it wouldnt be a complete nuisance until I played the cancer card. I am pathetic.Period. These added hormones really got to me this day! Not sure why I lashed at him, it wasnt his fault at all! I did go back to return the loaner phone and I heard one of his coworkers mumble "Thats the Crazy one" I kinda just smiled, and pretended not to hear. I couldnt possibly make an ass of myself twice in the same store! They clearly remembered me haha

Aside from my temper tantrum, This cycle Ive felt the calmest Ive felt in MONTHS. Its been a hell of a few years but I can finally breathe and relax. I know my life plan may not be the same as fates but I am taking it day by day and week by week. Trying to not look into the future too hard but live in the moment. Life is such a crazy ride but that ride could be over at any given moment.

I hope by the end of the TTC Train I still have friends to turn to when I'm a raging pregnant lady ;) No seriously though, I fear that my craziness will push you all away and I'm trying my very hardest to not lash out on you...I'll save it for innocent strangers :)

No More Anger

2012-08-01T12:44:00.001-07:00

Forgive me if this next post goes all over the place, I have a million things I wanna say and hope I dont forget any of it so it this bounces around (which Im sure it will) just bear with me.

First off I am elated to see all these birth announcements! FOUR this week!!! Something about seeing a new baby, holding them, smelling me...ahh it gives me goosebumps. Creepy sounding but I assure you its all in good spirit. At that moment when I held that 15 hour little boy watching him breathe, suck on his paci and just be at ease. This is what I want (shocking...) In the end the whole point of this journey is to achieve a healthy baby.

Why was I angry that everyone else was pregnant to begin with? Its not their fault my body failed me. Its not their fault I spend far too much money on testing, fertility tests, and now medications. I was jealous, bitter and it was eating me up inside. So much that I would lose sleep over it, avoid my friends (pregnant or not!) and just was in a dark place and wasnt sure how to overcome it. Some told me to pray, some said to just move past it, let fate do what its going to do. I didnt listen and honestly still to some degree just let it roll off me. Im not a person of faith, God or by any means believe in the bible. ounds harsh and I mean no offence to anyone who does believe in these things, but those who do,Great! I'm glad they have something to keep them going. I look for that in everything but cant wrap my head around it. Ive gone to church at various locations and some I liked more than others but still cant get past the fact that they are basing all their sermons off a story in the Bible. I know thats the whole point but I just cant get into it.

Anyways went a bit off target there...I warned you!

Theres a lot of new babies, still a lot more to come in next 6 weeks (or less) and as I was always happy for my friends I wasnt very supportive. I just remained undercover in fear of offending them or making them uncomfortable because its no secret that I can be a royal bitch and I dont want to be the friend that they just avoid talking baby/pregnancy because I could burst into tears or get upset. This happened with complete strangers too! I just avoided all contact...sad!

Now that the doctors assured me that my thyroid is the problem I feel at peace with all of this. Clearly I can get pregnant and now with the new meds (thyroid and Clomid) I WILL have my rainbow baby after all! I guess knowing what was causing it all is comforting. Being a medical mess for a good portion of my life is something I'm used to and can manage, most of the time, but this is something I wasnt ready to give up on yet. I assumed the radiation and chemo had not only killed the cancer but killed my reproductive organs as well . Now that I have SEEN photos, scans, ultrasounds and had an up close look I know that its all okay.

This may seem like common sense, but to me in my twisted mind, it was the most annoying and stressful thing...which is no bueno for baby making anyways! I now have a new attitude and new "plan" and hopeful for the future :) Whatever happens, happens and if for any reason Jaelynn is our only child as much as that would hurt, I will be okay with it. Its a lot more than A LOT of people have! Ive made so many new friends with the TTC (trying to conceive) community so rather than sharing all the nitty gritty on here or my personal facebook page I vent to them. Nothing against anyone else but its easier to talk to those whove been through it or currently fighting with me. Of course I will share any major triumphs with you all but only once I'm 110% ready to.

Thank you all, once again for the love and support!

Four Years Ago...

2012-07-31T07:21:00.001-07:00

Four years ago today I got up, went to work like always and was anxiously awating the arrival of my little girl. I was seeing my OBGYN 3 times a week for a non stress test and my due date was only two days away. It felt like she was never going to make her debut. I was uncomfortable, irritable and just wanted to be done...much like anyone the last few weeks of pregnancy.

I was working at KinderCare at the time and due to some issues halfway through my pregnancy I was on a light duty and had to work with the school-age children. I'm normally an infant/toddler teacher but that summer I was mostly in the kitchen doing lunches and dishes or with the naughty big kids. I hated it. The kids didnt listen, respect me and one even hit me in the stomach with a giant wooden block. I was SO ready to go on maternity leave and contemplated just taking off a week before she was even born but knew that wouldnt be smart financially, plus Id just be sitting at home...bored!

Anyways, I was sitting in the classroom, trying to play connect four with a kid when I started feeling intense contractions. Every 5-8 minutes. After a couple hours of this I asked to go home (i was almost done with my shift anyways) and they let me leave. Went home, rested for a while...then mowed the lawn. Yes I mowed the lawn which was not so great. Im allergic to grass, 9 months pregnant, and it was a hot ass day! I was trying to get this baby outta me and my neighbor who was a week or so behind me in pregnancy just watched me, laughed and yelled at me for doing it.

It worked! Well sort of. I went into hospital and I was 2cm dilated (which i was for about a month) and they had me walk laps around labor and delivery to see if things would progress. Three hours later (about 10pm) they sent me home. I was devastated. I was only two days away from due date and because my blood p[pressure was elevated they had me scheduled to be induced Monday....three days away. I didnt understand why they couldnt hook me up with some pitocin and get this party started. I went home and cried and cried and cried.

Eventually I got some sleep but my contractions were keeping me from falling into a deep sleep. I finally gave up on trying to get some sleep, took a shower and shaved haha. Woke Justin up and said I wanna go back...mind you its like 5am, hes maybe gotten 4 hours of sleep and I was in tears most of the night so I doubt anyone slept through that. Justins dad offered to take me and let Justin sleep but I wanted him there.

We got to hospital around 630am and I was 6cm! At least all that pain was for a good cause. They admitted me and skip a few not so needed details, she came into the world after 15 minutes of pushing at 12:30pm. Just in time for lunch :) I was starving and had my first bite of taco bell in 9 months! I was afraid to eat any of my "favorite" foods while pregnant because I had such horrid nausea that if I threw it up Id never wanna eat it again .

Never did I think that Jaelynn Michelle would be such a great asset to our family. Sure we were young, unprepared and broke as hell, but we did the best we could with what he had. Every single day she says or does something that makes me laugh, reminds me there is still innocence in the world and is my hero. Shes taught me more about acceptance, unconditional love and hope than anyone or anything in the world. Before she was apart of my life things were hairy and unclear. Still are at times but all I need to do is to look into her beautiful blue eyes and all is well in the world again. No matter the circumstance or how sassy she is (most) of the time she is still my little girl and always will be.

Taking a Step Back...

2012-07-15T18:00:00.001-07:00

First off, I want to thank you, all of you for reading and supporting me and my journey in this chaotic life. Ive met some amazing people, learned a lot about myself and others, and gained a whole new outlook on life as a whole.

With all that being said, I realize I have no filter-some love it, some hate it and apparently a few are uncomfortable with it. I dont really know what to say. I dont want to alienate those I love and care about but at the same time this is a great outlet for me. I often refer to this as therapy: easy on my soul and checkbook. I obviously broadcast it on the internet and know it could be for the whole world to see but never did I think that those closest to me would worry about my well-being for being so baby crazed or stressed about whatever life is throwing at me for the week.

I need to take a step back and really think about whats worth having in my life. Am I okay with making my friends feel awkward to talk to me about things that doesnt involve my fertility treatments or doctor appointments? I realize I was letting it consume me, and still to some degree do. I was scared. Afraid that I would never get the chance to be a mommy again. Cancer changed so much for me and I was hoping and praying that it wouldnt affect my future-and for the longest time I was convinced it did.

My new doctor is amazing. Did a bunch of tests and figured out why I kept miscarrying. Something simple to fix and couldnt be more excited, but now Ive heard from several people that I'm becoming too much for them and I hesitate to share my good news. Whats worse though, making others uncomfortable and annoyed or just keeping it all bottled up and internally rotting...okay thats a bit dramatic but you get the idea. I just never thought to think how it made others feel. I am a selfish person at times, clearly.

I think for a little while at least, I am going to keep my TTC (trying to conceive) news on a halt. Theres nothing new to report and shouldnt be anymore news until I have another chance at pregnancy and when that time should arrive I will let you all know :)

Life's a Beach

2012-07-11T02:23:00.000-07:00

Sometimes all it takes to snap out of a funk is a day at the beach....really, it helped! I've clearly been a hot mess pretty much since September from wedding chaos, father in law passing away, and multiple miscarriages. Add to that daily life and stress of minor things like raising a child, paying medical bills and just trying to take things as they come and you get me-a big ole messy mess!

I get so low sometimes that I just want to sit and cry yet nothing comes out. I try so damn hard to just have my temper tantrums in private but usually I end up lashing out on Justin or Jaelynn and they're rarely the reason for my anger and sadness.Of course I still love them and they do annoy me time to time but these two people have been there the most for me when everyone else walked out or just didn't have time to listen or care.

I remember even when Jaelynn was weeks old and Justin was at work or sleeping because he had worked all night I would sit and nurse her while pouring my heart out. She couldnt respond, but knowing that she was there, and couldnt judge me made it all that much easier to tell her my deepest feelings. I still talk to her a lot about so many things but shes 3, she doesn't need to be my therapist and now understands so much which can be good and bad, so when life leaves me pondering things and I cant discuss with Jaelynn I go to Justin-hes not only my husband, but one of my best friends for nearly 8 years, the father of my children and the one I will grow old and cherish forever. I see us being that crazy old couple sitting on our porch swing drinking tea and remembering "the good ole days" and being able to look back at our lives and smile.

Theres been SO many ups and downs and I know I'm not alone, I have some of the best support system around but yet when I need it and I feel I have no one. Of course a lot of people are just a phone call away, and I try to call specific people when I need to vent but naturally they all have jobs, lives and well are probably sick of me talking myself in circles over every big decision, hell, even I'm annoyed with me lately.

I'm trying to lay low while on the clomid- I hear it has some crazy side affects and so far I have just about every one of them. Dizziness, nausea,fatigue, mood swings and cant forget the headaches. Its not fun but if it will give me what I want in the end its worth it-I feel like its practice for being pregnant again because a lot of the sypmtoms are so close to pregnancy. I hope Justin has enough patience to put up with my hormonal self...we were talking about it, figure at most I'll be on Clomid for 6 months (or less if I get pregnant)Then I start the progesterone (another supplement to help me stay pregnant) then of course being pregnant for 40 weeks, and postpartum Amanda was so much fun last time...yikes! Even I'm a bit scared! Luckily I'm good at keeping to myself-yes, me the "over sharer" is great at staying under cover in times of need, like this. Its nothing personal just rather not snap on those I love and care about so until I'm done with the clomid I will lay low just to be safe.

As ready as I am to be pregnant again, I'm so nervous! I feel like this could really work which is great, thats the whole point, but will it all go well? Will the feeling of being pregnant just put me in a panic on whether or not Ill stay pregnant? Will it remind me of being sick? When I had cancer, I felt so lethargic, nauseated and down right blah...much like my pregnancy with Jaelynn. I hated it when I was pregnant first time, and who likes having cancer, but will the pregnancy be embraced with open arms because nausea is a GREAT sign for healthy baby or will it just remind me of the lowest time of my life? Who knows and no need to over think it, especially before I'm even pregnant.

Going out with the ladies Thursday so I hope I'm able to control my self, maybe not cry if I rip my napkin or see a pregnant woman. There is something clearly crazy going on with my emotions but I will keep on trucking and fingers crossed by Christmas we will be able to announce Baby Rogers #2...only time will tell :)

Anger

2012-07-03T18:57:00.002-07:00

Good day gone bad...I didnt broadcast this before hand but now that its shattered again, and writing helps me cope here we go again.

Took a pregnancy test, to my surprise it was positive-just faint, but still a positive test. I called my doctor right away and they were able to get me in for labs and exam the next morning (today) which I was elated! I got there, had to take another urine test and it was POSITIVE again so I was really pumped, ready to take this journey to the next level and have another baby. They did labs and called me a few hours later with results. My progesterone (which is normally low and the cause for my miscarriages) was actually normal so that was great news, but my HCG (pregnancy hormone) was negative...what the hell1? How does this happen?! Before my labs they estimated my due date to be February 27th, meaning I was one day shy of 6 weeks. I knew i was pregnant. Last week while at camp I was too busy to test and just blew it off. I had the nausea, sore breasts, and massive fatigue. I just simply didn't have time or energy once I was home from camp. I kick my self so hard now. If I would have tested sooner, I could have had a trigger shot, or some form of boost to help keep this pregnancy viable. At least I know all my options for next time, just sick of trying and grateful I can get pregnant but whats the point if I know its not going to last...double edge sword I tell ya!

I try; I really, really do. I don’t want to be the bitter girl that isn’t getting pregnant. I don’t want to fit into that stereotype. I want to be happy for every woman I see with a bulging torso, I want to smile and congratulate them when someone announces they’re pregnant. For all I know they could have struggled too, they could have spent thousands of dollars at the doctor, on medications and testing to figure it out.
Yet I’m angry. Really, really angry. It’s an underlying anger that’s always kind of there, and every once in awhile, it’s just too much for that ugly monster residing inside of me.

Sometimes it’s the stupid comments, but really they usually just get a little growl from the monster. More often, it’s because of the lady at Wal-Mart that is screaming at her four + unkept looking kids that are running around like rabid monkeys, or the pregnant teenager that looks like she’s maybe 15 and complaining how "fat" she is and cant wait to "get this thing outta her"

Sometimes it’s the tale of yet another person getting pregnant who was on birth control, or who wasn’t trying at all. Sometimes it’s because of the injustice in a world where people like Snooki, or crack heads can have children but I can’t. Sometimes it’s as simple as yet another friend or relative announcing their pregnancy. Yes, I’m happy for them, but do you have any idea how many friends and family can get pregnant within a 1 1/2 year time period? It’s a lot.
And sometimes, it isn’t anger at all; it’s heart break.

July, Already!?

2012-07-01T11:28:00.000-07:00

I feel like this year is flying by and before I know it, we'll be busting out the Christmas Tree and sledding! Days like today when its so damn hot, I sort of miss the snow, but if it could just be fall/spring year round Id be in Heaven.

A month from today my little baby girl will be 4, this is insane to me! FOUR years old?! How did the last four years just fly by? I know everyone says how fast they go and to cherish every moment, and I did my very best to follow that but reflecting on the last few years we as a family have overcame so much and its no secret that Jaelynn Michelle was my motivation to keep on trucking when I felt like giving up. Sometimes it was as simple as a angelic smile or a big hug and other times it was our "deep" conversations about how mommy was sick but the doctors are helping me...she then said she was going to help the doctors cure cancer...my heart melted! She was stronger than I ever could be because although she knew something wasnt quite right her innocence kept us all grounded.

She too has been through a lot, between surgery, possible cancer scare (at 6 months old-hence the surgery) several hospital stays for various illnesses, dragged into wedding chaos, losing her best friend, ballet class and of course lots of playing! I just dont know how she always comes out of everything with a smile. Sure she has moments where shes sad but she always turns it into something positive and carries on while playing with her dinosaurs or ponies.

I guess I'm just a proud mama, a very proud mama! She has taught me so much and I cant wait to see where the future takes us! She told me all she wanted for her birthday was to be a big sister, a Darth Vader cake and water guns...Im going to do my best to make her wishes come true, two outta three are guaranteed and hopefully with the help of the clomid and great new doctor I can grand all her wishes. She deserves it.

I hope that one day she can look back and have the fondest childhood memories and knows how loved she is.

Well I made it Through...

2012-06-27T03:46:00.002-07:00

Today was the day I was supposed to bring a baby home...or be pretty close to having a baby, obviously a due date is a educated guess but nonetheless I had this day circled on my calendar from the moment I had my first doctor appointment when everything was going great.

I was so excited, elated and shared the news with coworkers the next day. I had just started at the daycare and didnt really know any of them all that well so I knew there was no way my family would find out but I was still able to share the great news. I cant even begin to explain all the love, joy, hope and emotions I felt. Nothing but bliss.

Those days would come to an end not too long after, little did I know that despite following all the doctors orders, eating healthy and doing everything by the book to ensure this baby had the best chance it could to make it into the world, I miscarried at 13 weeks...I already felt the flutters, I had an ultrasound, and names picked out and a plan to tell the family.

One night after work I had some crazy cramping, followed by heavy bleeding and I knew exactly what was happening. I called the OB and she told me to come in to hospital to get checked out....I hesitated but knew since I was further a long If I didnt get checked out I could end up with infections or worse. I walked in they got me in a room and did the labs and confirmed that I was no longer pregnant...it wasn't real to me until I had the ultrasound which was almost unbearable but they had to do it per protocol.

I will never ever forget that day. It was Hell, and 9 months later I still have days where I sit and cry and ask why me?! What did I do to deserve all of this ? Its an ongoing struggle that I keep enduring but with counseling, a new doctor and taking steps to move froward in trying for another healthy baby. There is no way I would have made it this far without my fabulous friends who sent me encouraging messages, cards, meals anything and everything you all did was more than I ever expected!

I didn't announce I was officially pregnant to many people, and as I planned to announce it to the world, things came crashing down. I'm so thankful for each and every person who has taken this journey with me and cant wait to be able to announce a pregnancy that sticks! Trust me...when the time comes I will yell it from the rooftops :)

A New Hope...no not Star Wars related!

2012-06-22T16:03:00.001-07:00

Today was a great day for me, which is saying a lot considering I went to the doctor! Not everyday I get good news from a doctor so I will embrace it with open arms and remember to count my blessings...each day is a new day and new hope for a happier future.

Basically long story short, I get to start clomid (the fertility drug thats pretty affordable) and as soon as my body is ready...trying to explain without getting too detailed especially for those who dont understand it all...I will go in for an ultrasound and blood work then taking the pill as directed. I will do this each month until I have a baby :) They're starting me at the lowest dose because some of the side affects are less than fun and if it doesnt work on low dose theyll bump it up as needed. This is exactly what I wanted! She said she doesnt see any reason why it wont work for me because I can obviously get pregnant...so fingers and toes crossed that this is it!

I go back and forth on the whole baby thing and of course deep down I want it but at what cost?! So hearing the DOCTOR, a person with knowledge and history of success tell me shes not at all worried was a weight off my shoulders. Phew!

For those who dont know, or care to know, my wisdom teeth are out and went pretty well, so thats a relief! My face was killing me and couldnt wait to get them out and move forward!

I feel lucky to have the abilities to move on with operation make a baby and for all of you to be there 100% to support me :)

Tomorrow, Tomorrow...

2012-06-17T19:04:00.001-07:00

Its only a day away...really like 12 hours from now I will be at the fertility specialist trying to explain my story, what I've been doing and what I want to come out with. Seems simple but when I sat down to write down how many cycles we've been trying,my OPKs, my charts, my losses, ectopic, chemical, miscarriages, how far along I was, what they did afterwards to help me heal it was overwhelming and I feel a weight pulling me down. Tight chest, rapid breathing and intense headaches...is this healthy!? Not one bit...

I know I'm lucky, very lucky! I have a beautiful child who I adore, I beat cancer, got to marry my best friend and have amazing friends to help keep me trucking but why do I still tear up over every heartache Ive had? I should be walking around with my head held high...proud of where I am and how I got here, yet all I do is sulk and cry when I sit and think about it.

Not sure what to do with all of this emotion, fear and irrationality. At this point I dont care what the outcome is as long as I'm healthy and can be there for my own family. Of course another child would be spectacular, but really I am blessed to have one and as long as I have Jaelynn my life is great. I have an amazing support group of women who get it, who are in my shoes (or worse) and truly care. I am forever grateful for them and their knowledge, guidance, hopes and prayers.

I go back and forth on this whole expanding my family thing. I know I havent exhausted all my options but do I want to spend all the time, money and stress on this? Not sure...the doctor will calm my fears and make things a bit more clear. In the meantime thank you all for the support and love. Id be lost without each and every one of you.

Also made my dentist appointment for tomorrow, my wisdom tooth started to come in and was causing pain here and there and now its unbearable...so thankful for him as well! Random fact but my dentist, Morgan Hamm was an Olympic gymnast from Waukesha haha

On a lighter note Justin starts first shift tomorrow...still 12 hours long but it will be a lot like what I work now so we will be able to eat dinner, sleep, and see each other every single night! This is HUGE for us, first time in nearly 8 years :) So this will be nice!

I'm a Mess, I'm a Mess, I'm a big ole Messy Mess!

2012-06-13T19:13:00.001-07:00

So obviously I'm an emotional person and where my heart on my sleeve but its outta control lately. Every little thing makes me choke up and its quite annoying! Some of the times I think its justified, but usually its not.

I love that Jaelynn is growing up and becoming an independent little lady but at the same time it breaks my heart! This morning she made her own breakfast (cereal with milk) ate it, watched some cartoons and then woke me up. I came downstairs to her half eaten bowl of cereal and realized she only woke me up to tell me shes okay and a big girl. It was a bittersweet moment but she surely is turning into a little person who can do so much for herself :) Naturally I cried...

My last day with the family I nanny for (during school year) ended and I sobbed, I am seeing them at least once every few weeks to babysit but I felt as if I was leaving my own children, for good...so strange...

The other day my I lost it in the store because my damn flip flop broke...it was seriously $2 and I was at Target where I could just get another pair but instead I cried like a temper-tantrum two year old.

What the fun is wrong with me?! Is it whacked out hormones or just life finally sinking in? This week hasn't been the best for me for a few different reasons but that's no excuse to go all Debby downer. I've been trying my hardest to hide it or just forget the fact that I'm one to express how I feel...I'm trying so damn hard to be more positive, hopeful and just happy but I can only do so much before I lose it and start back at square one.

I know what some of you are thinking" must be pregnant!" I wish that was the case! I did take a couple tests to be sure but even if I am (which I'm positive I'm not) it'd be too early to tell, do people get this moody mid month for no apparent reason? Well I guess partially I'm jealous, not angry that yet 3 more friends are pregnant...and not because they aren't worthy or great moms but because they were the ladies I'd talk to about TTC (trying to conceive) so now I literally am the only one who's still trying that isn't pregnant, over a year later. My due date would have been next week...and maybe subconsciously (or remembering this!) I'm bitter, angry, sad, and lost...I dint wanna dwell but its hard not to! Whenever I see a pregnant woman, a newborn baby or especially hear someone complain about their sleepless nights, nausea or cankles I want to just scream! Id kill to have all those things but I'm sure it will never happen.

Everyone says not to stress or worry or "stop" trying but with all the things Ive been through is it even feasible to carry a child? did the chemo or radiation ruin my whole body? Does God know that I'm unstable?! I have no idea the reason and losing hope month after month. So many try for years and props to them but I'm not that strong. I cant do this to myself, to my husband to the damn doctors for years...hoping Monday when I see my new doctor I get some answers. Either good or bad, I just want to know if its physically possible to have another healthy baby.Luckily I found this amazing group of girls, who live all over (although alot of them are in the south!) who have been a great support system. Most of them have angel babies, have been diagnosed with infertility and yet still exhaust every option to have a family of their own. Its inspiring and does lift my spirits when I'm feeling low. Whether its a text, card, or just a virtual hug. They get it. They live it and are amazing women....thank you to them an all my other fabulous friends who are there to listen to me bitch and whine, to cry or to distract me from myself. I really appreciate it and love each and everyone of you for being fabulous.

Now off to bed, before Jaelynns crazy recital weekend begins! Two more rehearsals followed by two nights of dance... :-)

Am I That Obvious??

2012-06-02T19:15:00.001-07:00

I was shopping at Target earlier and was shopping the baby/toddler area, like usual, and this random woman just looked at me with such sincerity and simply said "Dont worry, it'll happen again" I couldnt help but tear up! Hoe did she know? Am I that desperate looking? Was I even looking at baby items?! Ahh the whole thing has me so off guard!

Justin and I were just talking, just stop trying for a baby, I was contemplating going back on birth control (which seems so stupid now) If I have issues without the birth control why would that help? I know a lot of my friends are sick of me talking about this but its my only dilemma in life right now and I cant help but think and wonder about the future for my family. I apologize for those who think I just sit and cry day after day, I promise its not really like that but I do think about the baby hopes an awful lot.

I'm by no means a follower of God, but with that being said I believe in fate; everything happens for a reason and even if that reason is unclear I trust that somewhere down the road it will all become clear why we're here.

Until I figure that out, I will just be grateful for all that I do have, for simply being alive to experience all the good and bad and just take it one day at a time. In the end everything will be okay and if its not okay than its not the end!

Should have been a doctor!

2012-05-31T13:25:00.000-07:00

As if having a loss isnt hard enough physically and emotionally the damn medical bills are rediculous. Keep in mind the hospital stay happened 2 days before my insurance was active...just my luck.

Heres a quick break down of the costs :

ER Admission fee $750
IV/Labs $450
Ultrasound $1800
Admissions ( think for moving me upstairs?) $250
Pain meds $518
D&C/Laproscopy $900.00
ER Dr. Bill $677
OBGYN Bill $398

Add that all up and its $5743...I did pay $75 when I went to OB to confirm pregnancy so I owe a bit less...and they were nice and gave me an "uninsured discount" of $854, I asked for an itemized bill so I can be sure that they didnt overcharge(hah) but it seems legit. Damn.

Talk about overwhelming! Im sure theres a few more bills from anesthesiologist, and the doctor who I had once I was admitted. Crazy crazy crazy, but I guess it could be worse!