Serendipity

Another Attempt

2011-05-26T01:41:00.000-07:00

I have always wanted to be a writer. But it seems that my vocabulary isn't enough to express my thoughts into writing. I've tried to read a lot but it doesn't seem to help. Perhaps my word bank isn't big enough to hold more words than what I know now. Or maybe I have enough but I just don't know how to use it.

I wish I could let someone see how I perceive the world through my words. Exactly how I see it...

Anyway, here's another attempt of mine to express my thoughts, opinions and beliefs. Some of the succeeding entries may be copied from my former blog sites. I've decided to compile most of it in this site to see how my thoughts progress over time. Yes, only some. Just like editing manuscripts, deleting some parts are necessary to create the best possible composition of my life with its own biases and prejudices...

No, it's not by mere chance that you are reading this. It's a fortunate accident!

Welcome to my site...

Serendipity...

Yamang Tao

2010-09-29T14:59:00.000-07:00

Bonding time with Marius, my 8-year old son, kagabi. Ginagawa niya ang kanyang mga gawaing bahay sa Sibika at Kultura samantalang ako naman ay nakadapa malapit sa kanya at nagbabasa ng mga artikulo ni Leonardo Mercado na "Aesthetics" and "Kagandahan: Beauty vis-a-vis Truth and Good" para sa nakatakda kong report sa klase ko ng "Philosophy of Art" o "Aesthetics" sa darating na Huwebes. Madalas ay ganito kami mag-bonding mag-ina. Sabay na gumagawa ng mga gawaing pang-akademiko. Syempre, may mga panahon din na sa ibang paraan o gawain din kami nagba-bonding. Ngunit sa ngayon, ay magpapatuloy pa ang ganito sa loob ng susunod na dalawang linggo - ang huling dalawang linggo ng kasalukuyang semestre! Mahirap nang magka-grade na INC o DRP. At huwag naman sanang 5!

Nasagot na pala niya ang halos kalahati ng hinihingi sa kanyang homework: "Magbigay ng limang paraan o halimbawa ng pangangalaga ng mga Likas na Yaman - Tubig, Lupa at Tao". Mayroon na siyang limang naisulat para sa Yamang Lupa samantalang dadalawa lamang sa Yamang Tubig at wala pa sa Yamang Tao. Pansamantala ko munang isinantabi ang aking binabasa upang pag-ukulan siya ng panahon at gabayan sa pagmumuni-muni ng ilan pang kaparaanan sa pangangalaga nga ng likas na yaman. Hindi nagtagal at nakompleto rin ang para sa Yamang Tubig. Yamang Tao naman.

Paano nga ba mapapangalagaan o mapapaunlad ang yamang tao? Hindi ko alam kung mahirap lang ba talagang sagutin ng tama ang tanong na ito o may mali mismo sa tanong. Marahil ay hindi ko lamang naintindihan ang tanong. O baka naman ginagawa ko na lamang komplikado ang isang simpleng tanong sa sobrang pag-aanalisa sa tanong? Oo nga pala. Pang grade-level lamang ang tanong na nangagailangan ng sagot sa ganoon ding antas.

Ang lupa at tubig ay mga yamang ginagamit ng tao sa ikabubuti o ikagaganda ng pamumuhay. At marapat ngang ito'y ating pangalagaan. Ang tao, tulad ng lupa at tubig, ay isang likas na yaman ding maituturing. Ngunit kung ihahambing sa unang dalawang likas na yaman, ito ay hindi isang materyal na bagay lamang na matapos gamitin ay maaaring i-recyle, i-reuse o i-reduce ang paggamit. Masinsin itong hinuhubog. Inaaruga mula sa sinapupunan pa lamang. Iminumulat sa mga tamang gawi. Nililinang ang kanyang mga talento. Pinagyayabong ang kakayahan at karunungan. Pinagyayaman.

Ah! Edukasyon! Ang isa sa mga susi sa paglinang!

Ayan, may isa na kaming sagot. Isinulat ni Marius, "1. Mag-aral nang mabuti." Apat pa. Muli kaming nanahimik. Nag-isip. Nagnilay-nilay.

"Number 3 na mommy", pagbasag ni Marius ng katahimikan makalipas ang ilang sandali. Binasa ko ang isinulat niya sa number 2.

"2. Ipaglaban ang karapatan sa edukasyon ng mga Pilipino"

Gusto kong matuwa sa nabasa dahil sa murang edad pa lamang na walong taon ay kakikitaan na siya ng pagpapahalaga sa edukasyon at pakikialam sa mga isyung panlipunan. Batid na nga ba ng kanyang musmos na isipan ang isyung ito? O isa lamang siya sa mga taong sumisigaw ng paglaban ngunit hindi naman alam ang ipinaglalaban? Sa kabilang banda ay natakot ako para sa kanya. Hindi pa panahon para mamulat siya sa ganitong pag-iisip.

"Sa edukasyon din naman umiikot ang sagot sa number 2 tulad ng nasa number 1," pagpapaliwanag ko upang palitan niya ang kanyang sagot. Nais kong ibalik siya sa mga bagay at isipan na sa tingin ko ay mas nararapat sa kanyang edad. Hindi pa niya dapat isipin ang mga ganitong isyu. Hindi pa. Tama si Ma'am Rosal, professor ko sa Humanidades I. Madalas na ang nanay ay pilit na inilalayo ang kanilang anak sa mga isyung panlipunan ng kasalukuyan upang ika nga ay maprotektahan sila. Tulad na lamang sa kwentong "Andoy".

"Mommy, ang number 1 tungkol sa pag-aaral ng maigi. Ang number 2 tungkol sa pakikipaglaban sa karapatan. Kung walang karapatan sa pag-aaral, walang mag-aaral so walang gagraduate. So magkaiba yun."

Napatitig ako sa kanya. Napangiti. Oo. Natuwa nga ako sa narinig ko. Lalo na't nanggaling ito sa labi ng isang grade 2 lamang. Naisip ko noong una na pilit siyang ibalik siya sa kanyang lugar, sa pagiging isang bata lamang at kalimutan muna sa ngayon ang anumang may kinalaman sa mga isyung panlipunan. Ngunit naalala ko, iisa nga lamang pala kami ng pamantasang pinapasukan kung saan mulat ang lahat sa katotohanan at tanggap o tama ang pakikialam.

Nakatutuwa na ang edukasyon sa UP ay hindi lamang umiikot sa apat na sulok ng silid-aralan. Maging sa grade-level pala ay kakikitaan ang mga estudyante ng pagkamulat sa ganitong mga kaisipan.

Oo. Nagagalak akong malaman na pinahahalagahan ng anak ko ang pag-aaral at pakikipaglaban para rito. Ngunit nakalulungkot ding isipin na sa kabila ng magkaibang henerasyon na aming kinabibilangan ay iisa pa rin ang ipinaglalaban. Ano na ang nangyari sa laban na ito noong mga nagdaang taon? Sa kabilang banda, ang pagsigaw sa karapatang ito ay hindi na muling aalingawngaw kung atin na ngang natatamasa ang matagal nang ninanais. Bakit ito pa rin ang sigaw ng bagong henerasyon?

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Blogged in my Facebook Notes posted on September 29, 2010 at 2:59PM MNL

The One That Got Away

2010-08-15T12:51:00.000-07:00

The article below was shared by a newly found friend and a classmate of mine this semester. I find it worth sharing somehow...

To my "one that got away"....Yep, still you all along. Despite the current situation. Despite the distance...

Missing my "good friend"... my "one that got away"

--------------------------------------------

Source: The Manila Times
By: Mark J. Macapagal

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with... and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away?

I guess it's that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn't fall the right way, I suppose. I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a long time partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing.

It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance. How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. Small problems become big; inconsequentia lbecome deal breakers simply because you're not ready and it shows. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good; it's just that it's not yet right, and little things become the flash point of that fact.

Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be perfect,they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time and you'll make it work. And it'll make sense, it really will. The day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come.

Hopefully you're single... but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter.All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder,"What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?"

That's what the one that got away is. The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

If you're married, you'll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you're mature enough to realize that if you're already with the one you're with, that this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you'll think about him/her every so often, but it's alright.

It's never nice to live with a "might have been," but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who's already married. In which case it's the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you're old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it's different.

What do you do if it's not yet too late?

Simple... find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder, what if you got that one? Ask him out to coffee; ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your"the one that got away." You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference.

If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow. And it would be a great feeling, if in the end, you'd be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."

If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all round.

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Shared in my Facebook Notes on August 15, 2010 at 12:51PM MNL

19% Innocent

2009-06-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

Innocence Meter
Start with 100% and subtract 1% for everything that you've done. Then repost as you're __% innocent.

01. Smoked
02. Drank alcohol
03. Cried when someone died.
04. Been drunk.
05. Had sex.
06. Been to a concert.
07. Gotten/given a hand job.
08. Been verbally/sexually harassed.
09. Verbally/sexually harassed somebody.
11. Felt someone up and/or been felt up.
12. Laughed so hard something came out of your nose .
13. Cheated on a boyfriend/girlfriend before.
14. Been cheated on by a boyfriend/girlfriend.
15. Been to prom.
16. Cried at school.
17. Gotten lost in a Wal-Mart or a department store.
18. Went streaking.
19. Given or received a lap dance.
20. Had someone of the opposite sex in your room.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 83%

21. Had someone of the opposite sex sleep over.
22. Slept over at someone of the opposite sex's house.
23. Kissed a stranger.
24. Hugged a stranger.
25. Went scuba diving.
26. Driven a car.
27. Gotten an x-ray.
28. Hit by a car.
29. Had a party.
30. Done drugs.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 76%

31. Played strip poker/darts/pool.
32. Got paid to strip for someone.
33. Run away from home.
34. Broken a bone.
35. Eaten sushi.
36. Bought porn.
37. Watched porn.
38. Made porn.
39. made beans.
40. Been in love.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 69%

41. French kissed.
42. Laughed so hard you cried.
43. Cried yourself to sleep.
44. Laughed yourself to sleep.
45. Stabbed yourself.
46. Shot a gun.
47. Trash talked someone and then acted like their best friend the next day.
48. Been online for 9 consecutive hours.
49. Watched TV for 9 consecutive hours.
50. Watched an animal die.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 61%

51. Watched a person die.
52. Kissed somewhere with at least 1 person present.
53. Pranked somebody.
54. Put somebody in the hospital.
55. Snuck into someone's room and/or your own room after being out.
56. made spicy beans.
57. Dressed punk.
58. Dressed Goth.
59. Dressed preppy .
60. Been to a motocross race.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 51%

61. Avoided somebody.
62. Been stalked.
63. Stalked someone.
64. Met celebrity.
65. Played an instrument.
66. Ridden a horse.
67. Cut yourself.
68. Bungee jumped.
69. Ding dong ditched somebody.
70. Been to a wild party.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 42%

71. Been caught stealing something.
72. Kicked/punched a guy in the balls.
73. Stolen a boyfriend/girlfriend from a friend.
74. Gone out with your friend's crush.
75. Got arrested.
76. Been pregnant.
77. Babysat.
78. Been to another country.
79. Started your house on fire.
80. Had an encounter with a ghost.

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 36%

81. Donated your hair to cancer patients.
82. Been asked out by someone that you never thought you'd be asked out by.
83. Cried over a member of the opposite sex.
84. Had a boyfriend/girlfriend for over 2 months.
85. Sat on your butt all day.
86. Ate a whole carton of ice cream all by yourself.
87. Had a job.
88. Gotten cut from a sports team.
89. Been called a whore.
90. Danced like a whore .

PERCENTAGE SO FAR: 27%

91. Been mistaken for a celebrity.
92. Been in a car accident.
93. Been told you have beautiful eyes.
94. Been told you have beautiful hair.
95. Raped somebody.
96. Danced in the rain.
97. Been rejected.
98. Left a restaurant without paying.
99. Punched someone/slapped someone in the face.
100. Been raped.

PERCENTAGE: 19%

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Posted in my Facebook Notes on June 14, 2009 at 9:15AM MNL

My Firsts

2009-05-21T19:49:00.000-07:00

These are my firsts. If I tag you, it means I want to know yours. Copy & paste this note onto your notes, delete my answers & fill yours in. Tag me back & anyone else whose "firsts" you want to know about.

1. Who was your FIRST prom date?

2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love? Nope.

3. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink? Beer I think

4. What was your FIRST job?

5. What was your FIRST car?

6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today? I haven't checked my cellphone yet today for any messages

7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning? Hmmm... same as always...

8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher? Mrs. Manzano

9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane? New York, USA

10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk? Joan (my neighbor). Yes we still do.

11. Where was your FIRST sleep over? Gyne's house in Pasig City

12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today? My son

13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time? My cousin Gemma's wedding... I was one of the bridesmaids

14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning? Open my eyes?! Haha

15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to? I don't go to concerts... would love to though...

16. What was the FIRST record/tape/CD you bought? Bon Jovi

17. FIRST hospitalization? When I gave birth on 2002

18. FIRST foreign country you've been to? USA

19. FIRST movie you remember seeing?

20. When was your FIRST detention? I am a very good girl! Haha!

21. What did you do with your FIRST paycheck? Groceries and food!

22. Your FIRST social networking site? Friendster

23. Who FIRST invited you to Facebook? Paul Ocampo

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From my Facebook Notes posted on May 21, 2009 @ 7:49PM MNL

Facebook

2009-04-07T16:57:00.000-07:00

Hmmm... it has been quite a while since the last time I wrote something... been too busy with work and other stuffs... my new facebook account took a few of my free time as well...
Hmmm...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Feeling so betrayed... Sigh!

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Initially published in my MySpace Blog on April 7, 2009 at 4:57PM

Silly List of Questions

2009-02-26T05:57:00.000-08:00

Today at 6:53am
Silly list of questions, if tagged please answer.
Here are the rules: post this list on your profile (in Notes) replacing my answers with yours. Then tag 25 people to do the same thing.

If I tagged YOU, it's because I want to know more about YOU!

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
- Not sure. Perhaps after Saint Bernadette. My parents are devoted Catholics who go to Immaculate Concepcion Church in Baclaran where the main patrons are the Immaculate Concepcion and Saint Bernadette. After 11 years since the birth of their then youngest child, my dad asked for a boy... Walla! I was born... Haha!

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
- February 14th... my cat died... :(

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITNG?
- Definitely but I find typing easier... perhaps even better... Haha!

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
- A lot! Hmmm... Well done steak I think is my most fav... I prefer veggies though over meat...

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
- Not yet "kids"... Haha! I only have a one 6-year old "kid" so far...

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
- Yes because I'm a gem and a keeper! Haha! ;-p

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM
- Always! Some people hates me because of it...

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
- Of course, why would I lose them?

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
- Nope. I hate the feeling of my feet tied to a rope... very restricting!

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
- Fruit loops and apple jacks!

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
- Eh?

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
- As simple as Vanilla! Rocky road comes next... Chocolate, cherries, nuts and mallows! Yummy!

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
- Uhmmm... depends on how I met them... But usually about the way they talk and the content of it. Also, almost always, I observe people on their table manners... I'm very particular of it...

15. RED OR PINK?
- Red!

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
- I'm the greatest worrier!

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
- Hmmm... Someone halfway around the world away

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
- Is there a reason not to?

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
- Uhmmm... black shorts... I'm barefoot... home right now...

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
- The taps on my keyboard and the roosters' cock-a-doodle-doo outside

22. WHAT COLOR CRAYON ARE YOU?
- Periwinkle! Or olive green?

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
- A lot! From sweet to woody or musky scents...

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
- My sister in Singapore

25. HOW DO YOU KNOW THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO You?
- Ryan? Our team's Case Mentor

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
- Basketball!

27. HAIR COLOR?
- Black

28. EYE COLOR?
- Black/brown...

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
- What for?

30. FAVORITE FOODS?
- Too many to mention... Uhmmm... I'm not much into sweets though...

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
- Movies? What the hell is that? Haha! I am not a movie buff! Seriously, if I have to really choose between the two, uhmmm... depends on my mood I think...

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
- He's Not Just That Into You

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
- Striped yellow and white

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
- OR!!! Haha! I'm not much of a sun lover... can't say I prefer winter since I haven't experienced it yet... The moment I do, I'll let you know which one is better... ;-p

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
- Kisses! It comes with hugs! Haha!

37. DESCRIBE YOUR PENCIL CUP.
- A typical black pencil cup

38. FAVORITE ARTIST(s)?
- Hmmm... Only a few... I prefer artists from the 70's to 90's era though...

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
- Not really a book but a magazine... Entrepreneur...

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
- What else? Isn't it called a MOUSE pad?

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
- Didn't watch TV at all

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
- Too many to mention... again, depends on my mood...

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
- Both!

44. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
- Of course!

45. WHERE WERE U BORN?
- Caloocan City

46. FAVORITE PIECE OF JEWELRY?
- Earrings and rings!

ENJOY!

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From my Facebook Notes posted on February 26, 2009 @ 5:57AM MNL

Bored

2009-02-07T20:49:00.000-08:00

I hate being sick... literally...
Nothing is worst than spending the weekend at home sick. It seems that I am missing a lot of things. For some, staying at home is heaven... for my restless soul, it is not... especially if you have to spend it within the 4 walls of your room because you're so afraid that the kids outside might catch whatever you have. I'd rather bear the inconveniences than to see my son suffering with the illness as well.
I'm bored... really bored...

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Initially published in my MySpace Blog on February 7, 2009 at 8:49 PM

Someone

2009-01-12T16:51:00.000-08:00

Yes it was again a sleepless night. It is not unussual for me to find it difficult to sleep at night since my body clock seem to be used to be awake and working at night. I tried as much as I can not to log on to citrix because I knew that if I would, I would find myself working the whole night again in my supposed to be rest day, or say night. Well, I still did though... Good thing that some tools didn't work so after checking and responding to some urgent emails, I logged off.

I didn't turn off my PC though. I remained logged on to a chat engine then a message popped. It was an officemate in Austin, TX. Our chat didn't last long but it left me musing for quite a time... After a few hi and hellos and Filipino to English translations for him, out of nowhere, he told me to "forcefully" find someone to settle down with... just when I just decided not to think about it and just focus on my career...

No matter how many times I say I am okay, I just couldn't convince him as well as myself that I am indeed okay. He must be right. It must be time to eagerly look for someone and settle down. Besides, it has been in my wishlist for years.

Hmmm... I have someone in mind... someone so dear to me... someone I am very comfortable with... unfortunately, I feel like he's just not into me... Sigh!

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Initially published in my MySpace Blog on January 12, 2009 at 4:51 PM

Another One

2008-12-12T03:52:00.000-08:00

I have found just recently a new friend... a new best friend... It's not that my other best friends aren't "best" anymore. It's just that, as I mentioned in my previous blogs, they do not live here in anymore... but moved abroad...

Somehow I feel glad I found a real person again...

But just like the rest, she'll be leaving the Philippines... and me... soon...

Sigh!

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First published in my MySpace blog on December 12, 2008 at 3:52 AM

Pessimism

2008-12-02T03:34:00.000-08:00

I have always been an optimistic person. I never lose hope in spite of all the challenges ahead. I do change course every now and then if needed but I never turn my back and/or give up at all.

Well, I guess that's about to change...

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First published in my MySpace Blog on December 2, 2008 at 3:34 AM

Hear My Heart Speak...

2008-11-20T22:42:00.000-08:00

Hmmm... What a day! Sigh!

Today's definitely one of the worst work days. Surprisingly, I was able to hold myself from exploding out of anger. Nah... Don't want to discuss about it yet in blog... Maybe some other time...

Anyway, I wish I have someone to talk to right now. Uhhmmm... well, I can always ping any of my friends who are online right now. I guess what I needed this time is someone whom I can have meaningful conversation with while sipping a few drinks... someone whose physically with me...

It's nice being single... yet... sometimes it is nicer having someone special... Options are limitless. However. it is not easy for me to commit myself since I am never into shallow or short-term relationships.

I know and feel that some of them may also wanted the same... real committment... They are always around whenever, wherever... Aside from that, there are countless good qualities that I found in them which should be enough to consider them as almost perfect... and me a lucky prospect...

Unfortunately, my heart longs for someone that I can't seem to have. He seem to be out of reach. I know that I am just setting myself up to a heartache by continue hoping... I know that I should stop this and shift my attention to those who are readily available for me... Yes I know!

But I don't know how to do it... I don't know how to ignore this longing... I don't know how to like or love someone else...

And I don't know how to convince myself that he can't be mine... at least for now...

Sigh!

Why am I longing for someone so far... yes, far... in all sense of the word...

If music is the language of the soul, then hear my heart speak to your soul from a distance... this song's for yah...

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First published in my MySpace Blog on November 20, 2008 at 10:42 PM

Guitar

2008-11-19T01:34:00.000-08:00

The sun was high in the sky. It was one hot noon but not humid! Whew! Thank goodness! That's why I love "ber" months. Anyway, instead of going directly home to rest after a whole night of work, I decided to run some errands first. I knew that as soon as I reach home, I would feel so lazy to even go out and do some other stuffs aside from sleeping... My bed seem to always hypnotize me whenever I get near it...

And so there I was in a local grocery store a few blocks away from home. Prices of most goods had significantly increased! Geez! Inflation! It was no time to complain on the sudden price hike though. I just couldn't help but let a sigh out to see such enormous price increase of some necessities Somehow, I was still thankful that I could still afford not just my family's "needs" but as well as a few "wants".

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, I heard a man's voice calling my name... correction... my full name! The way he mentioned my name was in an upward intonation so I was sure he wasn't sure if it was really me though... First thing I thought of doing was ignoring this stranger. And be a snob! Haha! But as I turned around, I found myself facing a tall fair-looking guy.

"Bernardita? Hey, how are you? Ferdie..."

The voice was familiar but my memory failed to remind me whose voice was that. The face somehow looks familiar as well... He went on...

"I'm Ferdie... remember grade school? We were classmates in Bonifacio..."

Then I remember a chubby guy seated near me in second grade. He isn't that chubby now though and he has grown really tall... Anyway, he was that little boy who always roam around when our teacher wasn't around offering or selling things. And at that young age, I remember he talked about business. I thought he would be the best salesman in the world! Haha!

The next few minutes were spent catching up on some things. He is a lead guitarist in one of the bands playing in Southern Tagalog provinces such as Laguna, Batangas, etc. They never play here in the metro because of tougher competition. He invited me to watch one of his gigs. Told him I would try but in my current hectic schedule, I don't think I would have a time to go out of town just to watch them perform. Reason he was here in the metro? To visit his daughter.

It was a nice conversation. Somehow, I couldn't believe that he indeed plays the guitar. I never knew that he was into music at all. He is still soft-spoken the way he was. He never turned into a businessman though which I thought he would be. Haha! He also thought that I would be a lawyer but guess what? I am not! Haha! I am still happy with my current career though. I hope he is as well...

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First published in my MySpace blog on November 19, 2008 at 1:34 AM

I don't know

2008-11-02T23:51:00.000-08:00

For those who ask... I know nothing about witchcraft. Ask my aunts. They might give you the answers you need... Go ahead... Don't be afraid to ask them... Where do they live? Ummmm... up north... near the foot of a certain mountain there... Just say Hi for me...

Sorry I can't join you... Don't ask why...

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First published in my MySpace Blog on November 2, 2008 at 11:51 PM

"Halloween" and "All Souls Day"

2008-11-01T22:08:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween everyone!

This year's halloween isn't that fun and lively compared to the previous years. No, I never attend halloween parties at all but I enjoy the eerie atmosphere it brings whenever it's that time of the year. I love the combination of the colors orange and black in almost all decorations. Kids in different costumes brings smile on my face as well...

When I was a kid, halloween for me wasn't really about parties, costumes, decorations and candies. It is a solemn holiday or tradition that was passed on from generation to generation. My folks never call it "Halloween" but "All Souls Day". It is a day to remember our dead love ones. They say that it is the time of the year when the souls of the dead goes back to the earth to visit us who are still living.

I remember my mom cooking "biko with latik" every Oct 31st. She said that it was one of her mom's favorite food when she was still alive. Same with my dad's dad. I never had the chance to meet them at all. My grandparents from my mom's side both died before I was even born. Lolo Benedict died when my mom was only 16 while Lola Veronica died in 1977. Just a few years before I was born!

On my father's side, Lola Quirina died as well before I was born. Lolo Esteban died when I was still young. I don't even remember him at all. But I saw a picture of me with him on my 5th birthday. Wish he lived longer. Sometimes I wish they waited for me before leaving this world.

Anyway, I may not have had the chance to know them personally but my mom never failed to tell me stories about them... especially on All Souls Day. One time I asked my mom why her father died young. Well, I was thinking that he was young that time considering that my mom was only 16. She laughed. She reminded me that she is the 10th child of 11 children. When she was born, her dad's already old. For the record, my grandfather was born in 1886! My grandmother was born in May 11, 1901!!! Take note that I only use the word "grand" just once for each one!

Whenever I tell people when my grandpa was born, I always get the response, "No kidding?!" For most, someone born on that era could already be their grand grand grandparent. See the 3 "grands"! Haha! It still amazes me now to be honest.

Another amazing fact about them is that they were so-called "witch". They aren't the evil witch though as seen in most movies. My grandma may knew several crafts that some couldn't know but she was still a firm believer. Catholic by faith. According to my aunt, witchcrafting runs in our blood. My mom strongly opposes it though. I hope my mom won't get mad if she learns that I tried a few... Used it for good reasons anyway... Ooops!

Oh well, sometimes I feel my grandma is just around the corner teaching me every little thing she knows... it's as if she whispers me all the chants she knew. I may have not met her but I feel like I know her completely...

Weird but I am missing her... someone I never met yet in person in this lifetime...

Hmmmm... mom must be cooking biko again... I smell its sweet tangy aroma... Gotta get myself ready. My grandfolks gonna be here in no time!

Boo!

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First published in my MySpace Blog on November 1, 2008 at 10:08 PM

Is it Time?

2008-10-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

I have this topic in mind that I want to ponder on further... Boredom... I'd been wanting to write something sensible about it as it is one of the main reasons why most relationships fail...

However, the previous weeks were not the best of days to sit and write something. Well, I did wrote a few. But obviosly, those were written in an attempt to vent out what's brewing inside. It was my emotion taking over me. In short, those were short blogs that were not given proper thoughts. Hmmm... long story...

Anyway, I am hoping that I'll be able to contemplate on the topic "Boredom" this weekend... and finish the prose...

I don't want to dissappoint a very special reader waiting for it... you know who you are...

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First published in my MySpace Blog on October 25, 2008 at 6:30 PM

Ready

2008-07-03T13:39:00.000-07:00

It's a cloudy Thursday... had a good afternoon sleep...

I think I'm ready again to face more challenges ahead. I always am anyway. I guess the only difference this time is that I have accepted the fact that I am going through this alone... by choice...

I hate to admit that I am finding it difficult to bear as time goes. Sometimes I feel like destiny's playing games with me and testing me how far can I go. I have thought of giving up but that won't definitely make me feel good... well, at least I think it won't...

Hello life! I'm back in the game... with complete gears... I'm ready!

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From my Facebook Notes published on July 3, 2008

Hmmm...

2008-03-27T07:47:00.000-07:00

I finally got it after almost a year of delay…

Yes I am glad…

Yet, lonely…

and alone…

Sigh!

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From my Friendster Account published on March 27, 2008

Welcome Back Home

2008-03-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

Welcome back to the Philippines cuzzzz!!!

It seems that most of my cousins from all over the world are coming back home! Just yesterday, my cousin from Colorado just arrived! And I heard my other cousin (his brother) is coming home as well within the week… And if I’m not mistaken Kuya Roger from Ontario will be home as well for the summer… Hmmm… I’m starting to wonder… What’s the fuss? Will there be a reunion soon? Too bad!!! Somebody failed to invite me!!!

Oh well! I’m good at gate crashing anyway, ain’t I?

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Published on March 24, 2008 in my Friendster Account

Singapore... Here I come!

2007-11-16T07:44:00.000-08:00

It’s my day off again. And I’m spending a few hours of it browsing some online pics of my friends who are now living abroad. Loneliness started to seep it… "What ifs" started to occupy my mind…
1998.

I was only 17. My aunt, who was having a vacation at home, talked to me and offered to get me to Italy and live with her and her family. I knew she could do it. She has allot of ways and resources to do it. And I knew she was serious. Yet, I declined it. I was… forget it! Oh well! Sigh!

2000
After a long time, I met again my cousin and her family from Spain. She asked me if I wanted to go with them back to Spain. She would take care of everything… She even pushed me to get a passport. I didn’t bother at all to get a passport. I told her I was busy… Alibis! The truth was… the same reason I had in 1998… Stupid love!

2003
There was a job opening in Seattle, Washington as a caregiver. I was qualified. I was chosen. I didn’t follow it up. And even ignored it. I thought I wasn’t for the health industry. Well, I still feel the same now… no matter how much the salary is, I’m not for the health care! The job was then given to the other applicant. She’s now working there while I’m still here…

2006
Barclay Singapore started looking for their helpdesk support personnel here in the Philippines. Most of my friends sent their resumes. They even told me to do the same. The company offers almost 8x as much as what we earn here. I knew that it is something to consider. WIth that salary, I could earn more than a million in a year. My lifestyle isn’t that expensive so I knew I could save a million in less than 2 years. I could even bring my son with me if I wanted to. My youngest sister is already there so it would be easy for me to adjust. Then I thought of my college education… I wanted and still want to have a Bachelor’s degree soon. I declined the offer… Some, specifically my family, say it was a stupid decision. For me, it wasn’t…

Was it?

2007
I was sent to New York to represent the company I am working for. My first ever travel outside the country. They say it was frightening to be in a foreign land alone without anybody you know with you. But I never felt scared at all. For me, it was an adventure! Details of that in my other blog! My trip to Minnesota is another story…

Now, back here in the Philippines. I feel strange looking at my friends’ pics taken abroad. I miss them allot! Yet, I don’t feel like I missed half of my life not being with them in working abroad. I know I will be with them in whatever country… I won’t be a worker though… but just a tourist!
I’m starting to plan my next adventure… Singapore! I’ll be leaving on December and probably stay there for a week… whoever wants to join… contact me!
Singapore… here I come!

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From my Friendster Account published on November 16, 2007

My Online Profiles

2007-10-07T07:42:00.000-07:00

It’s exactly 2:53 AM… and it’s still dark outside, yet I’m already fully awake! I tried getting some more sleep but I just couldn’t. That’s the problem when you’re used to working at night and sleeping at day. During rest days, you just can’t enjoy a nice long sleep at night. You become "restless" on your supposed to be "rest" days! Sigh!

Anyway, looking at the bright side (well, that’s what I am always good at), I could actually enjoy the stillness of the night by catching up on my reading. I have a big pile of books I just bought recently that I haven’t read yet… not to mention a 5-inches thick book that I have to finish reading before taking my exam on November! Geez! It reminds me of my college days in UP… what others read for a month, we "have to" read for only a few days, not even a week! Oh well, that is life for Philosophy major students!

Reading would be a very productive way of spending sleepless nights… that is if you’re on the mood for it. However, at this moment I’m just not in a mood to read at all… I’m thinking of doing it… but it stops there… just "thinking"… haha! Writing would be the next best thing to do… and that’s exactly what I am doing right now. Obviously! For goodness sake! Haha!

I just started another profile again. This time in Yahoo 360. My first ever profile online was in http://www.Friendster.com (http://profiles.friendster.com/dhita18), Second was in http://www.Multiply.com (http://marius2autumn.multiply.com). This isn’t really my 1st profile in multiply but it is the only one active. Third was in http://www.MySpace,com (http://www.myspace.com/dhita98) and lastly, as I just said, in http://360.Yahoo.com (http://360.yahoo.com/dhita98). Some of you might wonder why am I creating profiles in different sites. Well, very simple! To be connected with most, if not all, of my friends. Not all of them has friendster profile. Some of them created one as soon as I invited them but some just shrugged their shoulder, deleted the invite and told me that they don’t have friendster profile and has no intention of creating one in the said site. They do have profiles in other sites anyway.

I used to have only 1 profile: my friendster profile which has been on since May 2003. Most of my friends are connected with me through that site. I guess it is the most famous networking site here in the Philippines. Then an officemate introduced me to multiply. It is a great site for storing and sharing media such as music, pictures, etc. That is where I usually search and download a song. My MySpace account was created just this October. I had received several invites before (way back in college days) from some of my friends. I believe I created an account before but I never updated it. Moreover, I don’t remember anymore my username, password nor email that I used to create it. And it would be a big inconvenience for me to try figuring out the details to log in it again! Haha! So… I just created a new one… and now, I am looking for those friends who used to invite me… I am starting to like MySpace than Friendster. It is faster to load… or maybe because I only have a few media in myspace than in the latter.

Now, why Yahoo 360? No reason at all. As I said in the beginning of this blog, I just woke up in the middle of the night. Couldn’t sleep and didn’t feel like reading so I turned on my PC and started browsing. While checking my yahoo email, I saw a line about Yahoo 360 and clicked the link. Walla! I just created my 4th online profile! All my profiles contain the same information and updates about me. So no need to jump browsing from one of my profiles to another.

My sweetheart will definitely "question" me again why do I need these profiles. So to end this blog and before my sweetheart asks, let me state a short answer. First of all, I feel glad that I am still connected with my friends in spite of the distance. Most of them are now working and living abroad (most are in Singapore and US). To correct some misconception, these aren’t dating sites but are sites made with a concept of being able to connect with just anyone specially with friends. Second, I guess it’s a cultural thing. Filipinos love to chat about anything under the sun without needing to have a special bond. Etcera.

Connecting with friends is the main reason why people creates online profile/s. Sometimes, profile gives reason and topic to talk about. Isn’t it weird sometimes when someone, a neighbor or a friend whom you seldom exchange words with, would suddenly call, email and/or even approach you and tell you… "Hey, I’ve seen your profile!", "Have you really read those books?", "Where and when those pics were taken?", "I couldn’t believe what I read!", "I didn’t know you went there!", etcetera.
To all my friends out there reading this that I missed to invite, just add me… But for those whom I don’t personally know and just want to be added to my network, I’m sorry but I don’t just add anyone…

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Published in my Friendster Account on October 27, 2007

D in NYC: Taking Bite of the Big Apple!!!

2007-07-21T07:09:00.000-07:00

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Blank Item Published in my Friendster Account on July 21, 2007

Connection vs Attachment

2006-10-06T07:07:00.000-07:00

Most of us believe that everyone is connected to each other, well, somehow I agree. Yes we are if that means "one’s action affects others in one way or another." Just the way how one song put it… "We are connected to each other in a loop, in a circle that never ends." But then again, we must be careful… that the connection wouldn’t mean being attached to someone or something. There must be no need for dependency.

Connection is different from attachment. Yes, it’s synonymous… almost! And there is only a thin line that separates these two concepts that is why people tend to view these as one or the same rather than two totally different notion. And I know a lot would find the significance of that difference difficult to comprehend…

I wish I can explain more but I am not in a position yet to discuss this concept. I am still in the process of learning or shall I say re-learning. Maybe the reason I post my thought is for me to have a starting point of the re-learning path that I am taking. Everyone is entitled to his/her own opinion anyway so I will not be surprised if some would challenge my thoughts and/or belief. Well, I haven’t discussed it yet in detail so I guess this post will be safe from criticisms… for now…

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From my Friendster Account Published on October 6, 2006

More on Existence

2006-10-06T07:05:00.000-07:00

Existing in this particular world in this lifetime is not just by being born and having name and fame. Until the time I can live up to my own beliefs and thoughts… and until I can precisely explain and share my ideas, only can I say that I am really existing and growing in this lifetime...

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From my Friendster Account Published on October 6, 2006

Existence

2006-09-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

It’s already the 24^th of September and yet I’m still hoping that somehow I would find something in my inbox. I should stop this crazy thought that I am remembered and that my existence is special because it is not… this lifetime is just one of my many lifetimes and soon this will be over and forgotten too like my other past lives. This lifetime is just another illusion just like anything that happens in this lifetime. After this, it will be forgotten and who remembers previous lifetimes anyway? Sometimes I think I do… I always have those flashes of events that I don’t know from where in my psyche comes from. Dream? If it’s a dream then why do I sometimes see it even when I’m awake and feel like it is real and that it did happen to me somewhere? Imagination? Illusion?

So vivid… the cliff standing so proud and tall. Below it is a raging ocean with its waves roaring towards the wall crashing as if trying to smash the big rocks to pieces. But rather than destruction, it creates remarkable shapes… beauty! Wind blowing steadily from the northeast. It was a nice day and up above the cliff all the plants and grass are green. I could hear the birds chirping and some yelps from dogs playing on the yard. Then there I was… a not so simple woman with a big hat. But I don’t wear a hat?! Was it me? Doesn’t look like me at all but something in me tells me it was me. Hah!

This is just one of my nice vision or imagination or whatever of that place. But there were times when I see myself falling from the same cliff and feeling the coldness of the water below then a sudden thud… darkness follows… I see this sometimes in my dream, sometimes even when I’m awake. Is this the explanation why I’m so fond of cliffs? And why I’m so afraid of the open sea? I know how to swim but why am I so afraid of different big bodies of water still. When I look at the sea and watch its waves and its vastness, I feel the chill inside me… goose bumps in my skin… fear… It’s a good thing my knees don’t shake anymore! Hahahah!

My ex was the first one who taught me the basics of swimming and that event has triggered a lot of changes in me but that’s another story. I learned the basics but I still enrolled to a summer swimming class of Philippine National Red Cross to totally overcome my fear. There were 3 swimming pools. To get to the 3^rd pool where my class was held, I had to walk along the path between the two other swimming pools and my knees would shake. I would feel relief after passing that path just to feel my chest thumping again when I hear my instructor say “dive!” It was funny but worth remembering. Now, usually after or before work, I would sit on the breakwater and look at Manila Bay, feel the chill and the goose bumps and say silently… “I can face you now…” and I would smile, a devious smile, realizing that I’m not worrying anymore of my fear and start wondering what I can find beyond the horizon. I made it… and I’m ready to move on to the next phase… Face challenges lying beyond the horizon.

That vision and a lot more that I used to think that had happened in one of my past lives might have never really existed at all but just a simple imagination or illusion of my mind. But whatever it is, it helps me in realizing my fear and doing something about it. This lifetime is meant to be spent in bettering myself and the rest of the world towards enlightenment. My existence is just like anybody else’s existence but what makes it different from others is how I spend it. A lot more to learn… I need a guru to teach me or rather remind me (I always have this notion that I know something or learned something in the past and that I just need to re-learn or remember it now) and guide me. Another year has started for me and I think I’m ready now to learn more than illusions…

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From my Friendster Account Published on September 24, 2006