Entertainment News

Titanic 2: Better than the Original?

2011-05-09T16:01:00.000-07:00

To answer that question in one word; yes.

Is The World Ending?

2011-05-08T18:36:00.000-07:00

He was born in 1921. He owns a christian radio network. He says the world is ending. He's Harold Camping.

May 31st 2011 is the date you get to fly to heaven if you've been good Harold says. It's kind of like christmas. Only if you've been bad instead of coal you'll get to live through hell on earth until October 21st 2011. Then you get to see the end of the world!

This crazy old bastard's company was worth around 122 million dollars in 2007. According to Harold 200 million people will be raptured up to the gold streets of heaven. This is a much larger amount that the 144,000 Jehovah's Witnesses believe will get to go. Their math is almost laughable.

Harold of course has a bunch of snake oil that proves his date is correct, even though he was already wrong once in 1994. He got better snake oil, so his date is now adjusted correctly. Read your bible so you don't burn forever. God bless.

Phil Jackson Quotes Richard Nixon in Press Conference

2011-05-08T15:29:00.001-07:00

"As Richard Nixon says, You won't be able to kick this guy around anymore." Former Los Angeles Lakers' coach Phil Jackson said on Sunday during the press conference afer the Lakers' loss to the Dallas Mavericks on the Sunday.

Jackson was referring to the 35,000 dollar fine that the NBA gave him this morning. This will be tough for Phil Jackson to pay off, considering he only made 12,500,000 dollars during the 2009-2010 season.

It was the last game in Phil Jackson's NBA coaching career. He also said he "Didn't like the way Lamar or Andrew finished today."

Osama Bin Laden Video Released

2011-05-07T18:49:00.000-07:00

The Bin Laden videos were finally released today to the delight of Bin Laden fans across the globe.

The videos show Osama enjoying some television, and are definite proof that he is still alive. Many had suspected Tupac Shakur to be included in the video release but unfortunately the videos only featured Osama alive and well.

Bored Females Excited For Televised Wedding

2011-04-28T17:30:00.000-07:00

Females around the world, with absolutely nothing better to do, can barely contain their excitement for the Royal Wedding that will take place tomorrow.

However, according to a YouGov poll of British women, 86% of them said they do not envy Kate Middleton. 86%.

86%.

A pothead analyst from Southern California studied the results of the poll and concluded that 96% of the women surveyed lied.

If you would like to know more about the wedding you can purchase The Royal Wedding for Dummies.

Air Traffic Controllers Given Longer Naps by FAA

2011-04-17T14:44:00.000-07:00

Air traffic controllers will now be allowed to take 9 minute naps the FAA said on Sunday. This is one minute longer than the previous nap times were for controllers.

"I'm really happy for the extra minute of napping." Said one controller as he tucked himself into his sleeping bag.

The FAA also announced that the controllers would now be given 8 ounces of apple juice and a small snack as well.

"These guys get really sleepy after staring at those green flashing screens for so long. It's about time we gave them a snack and longer naps!" Shouted Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood on Sunday before lifting off in a helicopter.

Miniature Golden Record Players with Horns Attached Given Out on Sunday

2011-02-13T22:38:00.000-08:00

On Sunday evening miniature gold encrusted record players with horns attached, also called 'gramophones' by 'musicians,' were handed out to extremely wealthy individuals.

"I hope to get one of those little gold record players!" exclaimed one of the millionaires.

Only the wealthiest individuals, with enough money to purchase the miniature gold records, were in attendance to try and receive a grammy-o-phone.

"I've had these miniature gold records for years! But I need a miniature gold record player with a horn attached to play them!" Shouted a man from a red Ferrari.

The miniature gold record players can only be produced in small amounts. Every year wealthy celebrities line up at the giant shit show hoping to receive a grammy-o-phone. Many of the attendees already own ipods.

"I already own 87 ipods, but miniature gold record players with horns attached cost a lot more." Said Kanye West.

Hundreds of people tuned in to view the event on plastic boxes everywhere. Cheering for which musical artist or masterpiece they had spent most of their paycheck on.

Join the Army

2009-06-01T13:39:00.001-07:00

There's a lot of important things going on in the world, but check out this video I found on liveleak instead.

El Monte Police High-Five Victory

2009-05-14T18:18:00.000-07:00

The El Monte police enjoyed a high-five after kicking Richard Rodriguez in the head Wednesday. Don't worry, Lt. Chuck Carlson of the El Monte Police Department said Rodriguez had served time in state prison for an unspecified drug charge, and was even an actual member of the El Monte Flores gang. So the officers actions were completely acceptable when 23 Rodriguez had already surrendered on the ground.

Richard of course has some tattoos on his neck and face, which means it's even more okay that police officers kicked him in the face and hit him with a flashlight. If the El Monte police won't kick people in the face who have surrendered, then who will?

Someone had to remind Richard that the police are the bad guys, who better than the police. Lucky for us, and Richard, channel 4's camera was rolling. So here's the sweet karate kick action thanks to El Monte's finest.

LAPD Receives 1700 Free Guns

2009-05-12T14:19:00.000-07:00

Lt. Fred Booker shows everyone how much fun he's going to have with his new street sweeper shotgun he just got for free.

The Los Angeles Police Department and Ralphs supermarkets have been in bed with each other for some quite some time now. According to the Los Angeles Times on Monday the LAPD and Ralphs combined forces once again to net close to 1700 weapons, including AR-15s, Ak47s, Uzi's and even a grenade launcher. Ralphs supplied 1300 'gift cards' which worked in their stores and as visa credit.

The LAPD was ecstatic about their new weapons. Deputy Chief Charlie Beck said "We were surprised at the quality of some of the weapons." Now the LAPD and Ralphs will finally have quality assault rifles and grenade launchers.

Of course not only was the LAPD excited, but Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa was extremely pleased with the quality and number of weapons. Mayor Villaraigosa was so thrilled he even said "These are weapons whose sole purpose is to maim and kill people."

This blog is only a warning to let people know that Mayor Villaraigosa, the LAPD, and Ralphs' employees now have even more high quality lethal weapons.

http://www.latimes.com/news/local/la-me-guns12-2009may12,0,5033483.story

Gang Affiliations in Baseball Lead to Problems

2009-05-11T13:19:00.001-07:00

Apparently if you adopt a mixed martial arts hand sign to represent the awesome power of god and your deceased father, no one should ever be able to mock it. This is what Giants relief pitcher Brian Wilson thinks at least. He had this to say about his gang signing showboating, "It shows no disrespect towards anybody. It's all about positive praise. It's not for showboating."

I guess when Casey Blake of the Dodgers hit a home run off Wilson and also flashed the sign it wasn't representing positive praise. Or maybe it rivaling Wilson's gang?

Maybe I'm just an asshole who doesn't know how to show respect but if you're going to flash silly signs with your hands, that a cage fighting team made up, then say it represents god and your deceased father you should probably just relax if someone else decides to display it as well. Or maybe you should become enraged, buy a new black/orange bandana and show everyone the awesome power of god. I'm really praying that Brian Wilson starts feeling the good vibrations soon.

Breaking Records in California

2009-04-17T14:14:00.000-07:00

Today I was pleased to read that California has broken it's previous record for the unemployment rate and we have now hit 11.2 percent for our March average. This percentage of course dominates the shit out of the national unemployment average, a measly 8.5 percent. This of course continues to prove what we've all known, California is the best state in the universe. In all seriousness though according to the Reuters story, California is the 8th largest economy in the entire world. That means if California was it's own country we would be kicking so many country's asses. Well maybe not right now, since we have set the record for 11.2 percent, which is the highest since state records were kept on unemployment rates.

Fortunately for all of us we aren't done setting records yet. The unemployment rates and overall sucking ass of the economy is projected to stay this way for at least another 6 months. At least by professionals mentioned in the story such as economist Steve Levy who is from the Center for the Continuing Study of the California Economy. I think part of the problem is center's poor choice of a center name.

Octomon Trademarked

2009-04-15T15:33:00.000-07:00

Amazing mother of 14, Nadya Suleman, is now trademarking her nickname 'octomom.' She applied last Friday to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office for her awesome nickname. There's a picture of one of the applications on thesmokinggun.com Luckily for all us consumers Nadya plans on marketing the trademark name on a variety of products for babies, including diapers and clothes. I'm sure everyone will be running to the stores soon to buy as many octomom products as they can. She's also planning on doing a documentary on her kids until they are 18. Hopefully everyone can stop paying attention to her, like me, since I have no interest at all in her or her life.

here's the link to the smoking gun's page article on it, if you could care less like me

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0415091octo1.html

2009-03-30T13:34:00.000-07:00

So the economy isn't doing too well. Sure the stock market has made some gains but nothing to regain it's losses. Just the other day I was waiting to receive my bailout money but then someone told me you don't get any unless you lost a lot of money. It's a fact, you can't receive bailout money unless your business needs bailed out. At first I decided It was time to start my own business, one that would definitely fail, something to do with automobiles, investing other peoples money, or maybe insurance.

It was around this time that my television answered all my questions. T.V. started to talk to me, and I listened. T.V. told me that people all over the world, including California, had discovered a way to make money without using the power of the economy or bailouts. It was something that's heavy, shiny, soft, and valuable. Yes gold, people are now looking for gold like it's the 1800's all over again.

At first the idea of looking for gold seems completely laughable. It's something you learned about California history in school if you grew up here, and mostly that's all it ever is. But with the price of gold tripling in the past ten years, and less jobs for everyone, it's easy to see why many people are picking up their gold pans. People aren't just looking for gold by the original mother lode up north, but all over the place. Even in Azusa Canyon people have looked for and found gold, at the consistent price of 900 dollars an ounce or more, those little flakes really start to add up.

After watching and reading all the news reports, looking into the gold mining history of Southern California, I look to the mountains behind my house and think it's about time to start manufacturing and selling gold mining equipment.

GOLD!!!