The Struggle Within

2012-07-02T20:29:00.000-04:00

Obviously I am back to work at this point. It has been a challenge to my ability to keep my life and my brain together. I think if I were able to just sit back and think about it, I would break down. Still on my medication and at times I wish I weren't. You know how sometimes, you wish you could just sit in a room, alone, and just have a good cry? That's what I need, but no matter how hard I try when I do have a spare moment, the tears just won't come.

I'm ashamed to admit it, I am happy to be back at work. I hate the new format of the office and the environment that the new office is in. It has a lot of potential. A lot of potential. It just isn't operating to it's full extent. Every morning I go into work to a full voice mail box. I am usually able to return those calls by noon, go for lunch, have the box fill up again and as I'm returning those calls, the box fills up again...and so on and so on. This is while juggling in person visits, the paper work that comes from the issues the visits and calls bring and don't forget emails! I'm trying to go to the gym on my lunch hour, but often find myself working through just to try and get a head. I'm not used to being inefficient and giving horrible customer service. I'm trying my best, but unfortunately it just isn't good enough.

Near the end of my maternity leave though, I was ready to go back to work. I would never cut it as a full time, stay at home mother. I love my kids. I really do. They are my pride and the love of my life. I just don't know what to do with them all day! It would break my heart when I was trying to do something around the house like fold laundry or do the dishes and James would be trailing behind me "Mommy, will you play with me?". I don't ever remember my parents playing with us as kids. Not that that was a bad thing. I want James to be able to amuse himself. But it still kills me to think he may be lonely.

I haven't been able to lose any weight. I'm still playing with the same 5 pounds lost since January. I'm eating because I'm lonely. I've been back to work almost 2 months now and I'm really lonely. Yes, I have my kids, yes, I'm back to playing softball...but I"m lonely. With Brad working shifts, and off every other weekend, we don't see each other much. Not that I necessarily would want to see him anyway. I'm still really pissed off and annoyed with him. I"m not supposed to be living pay cheque to pay cheque. This new job feels like it has been all for naught. He's working lots of overtime and bringing in decent money for a change, but it all goes to his debt. I'm constantly stressing over bills and money, making sure we have enough money to pay our regular bills on top of the line of credit, and he keeps spending it. I'm making sacrifices, doing without and it is no skin off his back.

I'm eating to fill the voids. Eating to keep myself "happy". However, it isn't making me happy, it is making things worse. Much, much worse. It just seems like nothing is ever going to get any better on any front and I just don't have the patience to stick any of it out.

Something has to give. At work. In my relationship. In my own way of thinking.

Holy Crap...I Did it! Thoughts on my first 5K Run

2012-03-11T22:07:00.000-04:00

Some things stick with you for life. No matter how hard you try to overcome them, old thoughts and habits are always circulating around in the back of your mind. Or, at least they are for me. Elementary school was...shit...21 years ago, yet old feelings and personal ideals are still as fresh as they were then. I will forever remember gym class, dreading the summer time when classes were taken outside and activities that involved running, cardio and stamina prevailed. Trailing along behind the class for the 1k run. Watching all the "athletic" kids who were able to run the entire course, wondering what it was like, wishing I could be like them. Throwing temper tantrums in grade 5 because I didn't want to go to school because it was track and field day. I didn't want to live through another day of utter humiliation of being the slow fat kid, coming in last. Guess someone always had to be the loser.

For these reasons running a 5k race was once of the biggest accomplishments in my life. I have been practising and training for this moment since September. I've had a few set backs along the way. The latest being the week before the race. My kids have been passing a cold back and forth for the past month along with ear infections, taking me along for the ride. I've also been sick for the past month, which of course got worse the week before with congestion, plugged sinuses, you know, the works. I haven't had much time to take care of myself, let alone train in the past few weeks, so I went in not feeling totally confident of my capabilities, which, let's be honest here, aren't all that great to begin with.

The night before Piper was running a fever. I tried to get to bed as early as I could, but with a sick baby, even with a husband who is willing to take over, it is hard to get rest when you're worrying about her. I didn't drink any water the day before either, which in hindsight, hurt my ability to go as far running as I would have liked.

The day of, I was oddly calm. I treated it like I was just going out for a run as I would any other day, except this time it would be with 500 of my closest friends. I wanted Brad and James there to see me start, but due to some complications with the race, the school not being open, they went home instead to meet me at the finish line.

As the race started and everyone took off running, I felt good. My congestion seemed like it was going to bother me as I first took off and was worried when I got the urge to start walking even before we got around the block. However that feeling quickly passed. The first 2k felt good. I was able to keep a good pace, got passed, and passed others. Things felt good. We made it to a loop around and I walked for a little bit...no more than two minutes, like I had been training to do and started back along the way we had just come, to make the trip down the mountain. I walked most of that way, I wanted to be able to say I ran across the finish line. When I made it to the downhill portion, I ran the entire way. It felt incredible on the decline, like I could continue at that pace forever. All that kept going through my head was "Holy mother fucking shit, I am actually doing this!" When I made it to the bottom I walked a little bit more, saving myself for the "big finish". I rounded the corner and was able to see the finish, Trina, the most incredible fitness person I have ever met, was there to cheer on all of her people who crossed. If it wasn't for her yelling at me to sprint at the finish, I would have continued on trotting my merry way. What makes her different from anyone else who runs any of the classes I have ever taken, she actually does care. I am sad that I may not be able to continue on with her classes once I get back to work.

My time for the 5.56k run was 40 minutes 7 seconds. Sure, not a great time. In my head I was thinking I would be 45 minutes or more, so I did better than I anticipated. There was an error in the race layout, so instead of it being a 5k race, it was a 5.56k. The race organizers adjusted times to estimate what each person would have run if the race were an actual 5k even. I would have had a time of 36 minutes, 7 seconds. I finished in 403 place and was 40th in my age category. Sure it bothers me that only 60 people finished after me, and 402 finished before me. I have to remind myself this was my very first time ever having done this. I had a sinus cold and chest congestion. I was barely at 60% of my normal health and had next to no energy. All I could think was, next time I'll do even better. Wait. Next time? I'm already thinking about doing this again? Yeah, you know it. I'm hooked!

More important than any of the numbers and standings, any of that, was that James was able to be there and see Mommy cross the finish line. I tried to explain simply to James that you don't know if you can do something unless you try. I wanted him to see me do something I never ever thought I could do, or even would do. I crossed that line and just wanted to cry. Happy tears of joy, of accomplishment and maybe even of a little pain.

I did it. Cross that one off my bucket list. I did it. It may not seem like a big deal, but right now, I feel pretty fucking awesome.

K

;pp[ gf623207

2012-02-27T14:05:00.000-05:00

I'm still behind the 8 ball when it comes to weight loss as of late. I can tell the 3 weeks away from physical activity really took a toll on my progress. The size 12 jeans I had been wearing with ease. suddenly aren't so easy to get into any more. This isn't muffin top, this is bunt cake top people!

I made it out for a run yesterday morning. I went back only a day in my training and it wasn't so bad. I also managed to find a website that allowed me to estimate the distance of my current route I take when I go out. Unbelievably, I have managed to pick a route that is 5.01 km. My walk to work is only 3 km. I'm suddenly feeling a whole heck of a lot more confident about my upcoming 5k race. I think I'll still have to walk more than run, but it is a starting point, since I have only finished about 75% of my Couch25k running program. Plus, I am still battling this ongoing illness. Every time I start to feel better, it just keeps coming back. I refuse to see the doctor though. Every time I end up giving in an going, it is nothing he can help with. I'd rather try and a naturopathic way anyway. I've come this far, why ruin a good thing.That, and my doctor is a tool.

In last week's meeting it was mentioned that journalling is one of the keys to successful weight loss. Not just food tracking, that is pretty much a given. Actually writing down your thoughts or just a word or two when you have a good day or bad day. I think that is good advice. I personally seem to be able to stay on track better when I take the time to sit down and blog. It gets my feelings in order. Sometimes when I sit and consider why I just pigged out on something I shouldn't have, if I take the time to figure out why, it helps to prevent the issue from happening again. The problem of course is, finding the time. Today James is at preschool and since Piper is refusing to nap, she is happily playing with her toys and crawling all around the room (!) I have a moment...thank goodness for typing skills and a cordless keyboard to keep an eye on the Day Walker over there!! Ironic that at night after the kids go to sleep I don't feel like blogging. Often it is the only time of the day I've had to myself and just want to sit and turn off my brain and either watch tv while playing Bejeweled or crochet. Even though it would be the perfect time to be alone with my thoughts...I don't want to be alone with my thoughts, if that makes any sense.

Today has gone pretty good. I've been in control of my eating and portion sizes. Breakfast was high fibre instant oatmeal and a banana. Lunch was an egg white omelette with green peppers, onion, cheddar cheese, a slice of Ezekiel bread and sparkling cranberry juice. Dinner is going to be a spaghetti and meatball casserole that I haven't worked out the points for yet. The recipe is in my clean living cookbook and I have 15 points left, so I should be okay...even with a glass of milk to drink!

Yikes! Mommy duty calls!!!

PS...I find it ironic that the word "blog" is not recognized by spell check...on a blogging site.

Results Blog and Other Ramblings

2012-02-24T11:07:00.000-05:00

Just as I suspected, I gained this week. One whole pound. This was not unexpected nor was it as bad as I anticipated. I can make excuses for myself, but I'm not going to. I know what is wrong. The problem is, I just don't know how to fix it...and I don't know if I even can until I settle into my final life juggling a marriage, kids and a full time career.

Today is the first day I feel like I've got even an iota of my normal energy level back. In previous posts I mentioned that I had a cold. This cold as lasted 3 weeks and knocked me right out on my ass. I missed 2 and a half weeks of my boot camp and running. This past Wednesday was the first day I was able to even attempt any time of physical activity and I certainly wasn't up to my normal level of fitness. Yes, I know it is possible to lose weight without the benefit of exercise. My first time around with Weight Watchers, I lost 40 pounds without one day of actual activity, of course it took me quite a long time to get there, but I did it. However, I wasn't eating right nor was I making proper food decisions for the past 3 weeks. When Brad was on nights, I opted for quick and easy...not so wholesome and not so balanced meals. Hell, one night James and I had Sloppy Joes with potato chips as a side. True unadulterated comfort food. Nothing good about it. I enjoyed it at the time, but later that night, my body revolted against me. Sorry for the graphic and unpleasant image, but I had things coming out of both ends of my body later in the night. Even when I did try and attempt to build up the energy to cook an actual meal, I didn't stop at just one properly measured portion size. Three helpings later...hey, don't judge, I made a wickedly awesome moist turkey breast, mashed potatoes and fresh green beans. So what if I didn't have second and third helpings of the green beans, just the turkey and mashed potatoes (with a healthy serving of gravy). It was what I needed a that moment in time. Oh, I even made a pumpkin pie in there at one point. Urgh.

Combine the illness and no activity with my complete and total denial of having to leave my kids for my job very soon, I've been an emotional mess. I haven't been remembering to take my meds most days, and when I can't remember if I did or not, I just skip 'em just in case. I am knowingly replacing my feelings and the eventuality of knowing that I do have to go back to work as of May 7th, with food to fill the emptiness I am already feeling in my soul (even if Gingers don't have souls ;) ) I will never have this time with my kids in my life again. I know it isn't like I'm going away forever. I know I will still see them everyday. I just won't be spending all day, every day with them every again for this length of time. That saddens me. I feel like I"m shutting myself off and trying to draw away from them in order to soften the blow to me that will be taking place in two months. Could be the reason I allowed Brad to talk me into enrolling James in pre-school two days a week. I've been keeping pretty busy too. Monday, James goes to pre-school, Tuesday we have together all day, Wednesday is boot camp so James stays with my parents if Brad isn't off and Piper comes with me, Thursday is Weight Watchers so Piper and James stay with my parents and Friday we have all day together. Of course the weekends are all us, sometimes with Brad, sometimes not.

My house has also been falling apart. Haven't been cleaning like I should. But that is nether here nor there.

I'm really disappointed in myself that for the whole 6 weeks of official weight watchers, going to meetings rather than just doing it at home, I've lost only a pound. Some of the women in my meeting have already hit 11! Why in the hell can't I do this? I really wanted to be at least in the 170's before returning to work, but that isn't going to happen. I don't know why I feel that way, I just think everyone will look at me and think "tsk, she really let herself go after this baby" and "wow, look at how much weight she gained" blah blah blah. Face it, we all think it when someone comes back. It is either, "wow, they look fantastic" or "phew...man". Maybe I put too much pressure on myself with a timeline. This time at least I have no intention of getting pregnant again, and can't now...that I honestly really have all the time in the world to get back to where I was...and better. Now if only my right brain could tell my left brain all will be good!

Results and Other Ramblings - Week 4

2012-02-19T11:47:00.001-05:00

Stayed exactly the same to the ounce last week. I have very low hopes for this week.

I'm still flat on my ass out with this cold. It has been a very very long time since I have felt this absolutely horrible. I haven't been keeping track of my points because I haven't had much of an appetite. Normally that wouldn't be such a bad thing except for the fact that when I am hungry, I will just grab whatever is ready made an easily available. I haven't been eating lunch since it is currently such a chore getting the kids fed. Once that is done, I can't be bothered to make myself a spinach salad, omlette or other clean and healthy concoction.

I cannot wait for my energy and lung capacity to get back to where it should be. I have gone almost 2 weeks now without the will or ability for any exercise. I am finally beginning to get my energy back, I'm just waiting for my broncial infection to cure itself and go away.

In my at home monitoring of my weight, it appears I have gained 2 pounds so far. I have every intention of getting it under control to no avail.

Taking care of two babies while sick sucks...Piper just woke up unhappy. Excuse me while I go calm her down.

Official Week 3 Results Blog and Other Ramblings

2012-02-13T11:06:00.001-05:00

Been a little remiss in blogging these past few weeks. You'll have to forgive me. Germs have once again over-ridden my homestead and waged battle against my own immune system and won. The little bastards (which is what I will refer to the germs as hence forth) have invaded my body and kicked the crap out of my awesome super-hero strength immunities and sent my illness preventing white blood cells packing. Okay, okay, I may be being a little over dramatic, but at this point, the germs of a three year old are kicking my ass.

I haven't been this sick in quite sometime. Before I was overtaken by the little bastards, I was on quite the roll. I managed 5 straight days of exercise, be it my running or boot camp. I could have made it 7 straight, but am taking the advice of all and any website I have read and giving my body some days in between to rest. My points and clean eating were almost perfect to a "T". I lost 1.8 pounds! I was quite proud of myself too. I set my week goal for a pound and a half, and I managed to surpass it by 0.3. I was on fire. I was on a roll. Then as previously mentioned, I got sick.

I haven't been this beaten down by illness in a very long time. I haven't got much energy. I've missed 6 days of scheduled exercise, and will probably end up missing an entire week. Just as I was about to hit the 20 minutes of straight running mark in my training, I came down with chest congestion from hell. I obviously didn't want to attempt running with compromised lung capacity. I missed Wednesdays and Sunday's boot camps and several training runs along the way. I have been taking solace in comfort food in the form of pizza and wings, Big Macs and fries, lattes and dill pickle chips. Even though I had planned on setting another mini goal of another pound a half this week, I fully expect to see a gain at the scale this week.

This has been quite the set back. I am not normally this much of a baby when it comes to catching the little bastards. The kids have both been sick as well. I have found it extremely challenging to take care of two sick little children while feeling like utter shit myself. I've had to push away my own health and taking care of myself in order to make sure they are comfortable and feeling as best as they can given the circumstances. Of course, I realize that is all part of being a Mother and my duty to take care of the needs of them before my own. Fortunately the worst of my cold came when Brad had an entire weekend off and was able to take care of the kids....and me...while being home. I got frustrated though. I would be up at 3:00 am when the NyQuil wore off, hacking up a lung. I'd go downstairs and continue to sleep on the couch so I wouldn't wake up the rest of the household with my coughing. Last night I was up at 4:00 and couldn't get back to sleep until 6:00am. I just wanted someone to take care of me like I'd taken care of the kids. I wanted to be babied, and be told to go back to bed, or go have a bubble bath, or reminded to take some sinus meds. I guess that part of my life is over. A sad day. Being an adult sucks.

I haven't taken my "happy pills" in 4 days. I know it isn't good to just stop them cold turkey. I did that back in high school and remember almost blacking out after climbing up to the top floor. So it is a good thing I haven't felt much like exercise. I don't plan on going off of them just yet. I figure I will more than likely need their added support to get me through the transition of going back to work...which is coming up REAL soon. I just figured right now cold medication in the form of cough syrup, NyQuil and sinus medication was much more important to try and get better and fight off the little bastards invading my body than any else....and I didn't need any complications or to be flying high from the reaction of the "happy pills" along side the NyQuil. Although...that would make for one HELL of a party. RAISE THE ROOF! WHAT! WHAT!

No Weight Watchers points posting for you today...since I...er...haven't done it at all this week. Shit. GET OUT OF MY BODY YOU LITTLE BASTARDS, I WAS ON A ROLL!!!!!

Sick sick sick

2012-02-06T10:53:00.001-05:00

Brad finally has a day off today. Couldn't have come at a better time too. After 7 straight days, I am ready to be able to sleep in and give some child care responsibility over to him. James came down with a cold on Thursday, so he was unable to have his planned sleep over at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Piper is beginning to sound congested and I have a sore, thick throat. Some one let the germs back into the house and I am most displeased. As much as I would like to blame James going to day care, I can't. It came on too quickly for it to have originated from a kid there. I have my suspicions. You know who you are. Yes. YOU. STAY AWAY. Every single time my kid plays with your kid, mine gets sick. NO SOUP FOR YOU!

Running has been going really well. I'm actually considering signing up for a 5k run, 2 months ahead of my goal of doing the Around the Bay 5k race. I'm not sure I can actually run the whole thing. My time won't be pretty. I'm fairly certain I will be the last person who will cross the finish line, but I am determined that I can and will do this. Brad is off that day so I won't have to depend on my parents, once again, watching the kids for me while I do something for myself.

I am once again torn between being a Mommy and being Kim. At times it seems impossible to consolidate both people into one person. After I had James, the next summer I was able to go back to playing softball. James was 7 months old at the beginning of the season and Brad and I were able to drop him off at my parents while we played. That summer I was able to feel like I was Kim again for 3 hours of the week. I was able to see my friends and let my dirty, dirty potty mouth out of its cage, tell adult jokes and not have to watch what I say constantly. This summer, Piper was new born and the games were scheduled for much later in the evening. Piper wouldn't have been a problem leaving at my parent's house, however James was almost 3 and we didn't want to pick him up from my parents at 11:00pm to bring home, totally disrupting his sleep. I missed that opportunity this summer to feel like Kim again, and in the middle of really bad postpartum depression, it played a huge part in the downward spiral I experienced for the first 5 months of Piper's life.

I may be over compensating for that now. I am torn between spending as much time with my children as I can before I have to go back to work, only 3 short months from now, and taking time for myself. I feel extremely guilty for wanting and needing to do this. I have three days a week now that I am off doing something that focuses on me.

Wednesdays are my Stroller Bootcamp. That is Mommy and Piper time. So at least Piper is with me. It isn't like the Mother Goose song time I used to do with James. Mother Goose was all at him, where as Stroller class is all about me, with 5 minutes of parachute and songs for Piper. She does love watching Mommy bounce around in class and giggles at me when we're skipping. But it just isn't the same. On the hand, I have to rely, once again, on my parents to watch James for me if Brad doesn't have the Wednesday off. I could technically take James with me to the class. I tried to do that twice, but he is a handful. I wasn't getting a good workout worrying about what he is doing and getting into. Plus I think he was bored, always asking me what he could do. Maybe I'll try brining him with me again just to see how it goes.

Thursdays are my Weight Watchers meetings. James is in daycare that day so he isn't an issue. Piper however....last week after I dropped James off at the centre, I went over to my parents and stayed there until it was time to leave for my meeting, leaving her there for my parents to watch. Came back from the meeting and waited until it was time to pick James up from daycare.

And now Sundays. I wanted to up my activity level and include another day of a high intensity workout. I love Trina and Fit4Females so much I wanted to add another day of her awesome workouts. So I am going to go on Sunday late morning now too...with some friends! But again, that is another day away and another day I will have to rely on my parents to watch the kids for me if Brad doesn't have the day off.

I think more than anything what is bothering me is taking advantage of my parents by having them watch James and Piper so that I can go off and do my thing. At the same time, taking care of myself and making time for myself will ultimately make me a better person and a better Mommy. I have more energy and feel better about myself and am a happier person after a good workout or a good run. I have been able to laugh and enjoy myself more as of late. I love to dance with James and Piper in the kitchen on the days Brad works nights. We crank the tunes, James plays air guitar and makes rock n' roll faces while Piper bops and giggles in my arms as we wash dishes and clean up after dinner. These are the memories I will cherish always. I just hope and pray that if my Mom and Dad do feel used or taken advantage of or are tired, they will tell me so. Say "no". Because, like me, they just can't say no when it comes to their kids or their grandkids. Every time I leave either James or Piper at their house, it just feels like I am dumping them off so I can go be selfish. Guilt. How do you say thank you and I love you for all that you do for us? Words are just words and can be twisted and taken advantage of. I'm a master at getting what I want and manipulating people so that I can get what I want. The sign of a truly selfish person. I don't think that is what I'm doing to my parents. If they were to tell me no, I'd find another way, someone else, or I just wouldn't do these things. I don't think that is the case. But what if it is? At times like this I really do feel like such a horrible person.

It will all be ending soon anyway. Don't know if I can continue my runs after I go back to work. I obviously won't be able to continue my Stroller bootcamp and Sunday's I'll only be able to attend every other week, so what would the point of that be? I won't be asking my parents to watch the kids that day because they'll have Piper through the week and James too.

When did life get so complicated? Oh. Right. 9 months ago.

Hey, good news at least. I've been rocking the Weight Watchers thing this week. Staying within my daily point range and only eating extra if I've earned activity points. Haven't once had to go into my weekly point allowance.

The Results Blog and Other Ramblings

2012-02-03T20:49:00.002-05:00

Thursday marked the official Weight Watchers weigh in day. I gained 0.2 this week. So this means the two week total, I have lost 0.4. This is where I get so frustrated. The weight doesn't come off as fast as I would like and I feel sorry for myself and I give up and eat bad things and make bad decisions. Obviously this time around I cannot play the games like I did in the past. This time, I cannot allow for liberal points allowances. One little thing does count if it is in my mouth and portion sizes are going to play a huge part in my losses this time.

I am setting a short term goal for myself this week. I'm always too busy trying to see the big picture. Today I am setting a very short term goal for myself. Next week, I want to see a loss of 1.5 or more. Stay tuned to see if I can keep the promise to myself.

This week I haven't had much time to myself. I've been busy doing the "Mommy thing". James started pre-school and Piper has had three teeth break through virtually all on the same day, so needless to say she hasn't exactly been a happy camper. Brad will have worked 7 days straight as of Sunday. Five of those days will have been the day shift, so I haven't seen too much of him this week nor has he been around to help me out with preparing dinners and getting kids ready for their bedtimes. It isn't like I can't do it myself, but after a straight week of it, I'm ready to pull my hair out! Thank god for my parents being around to help. I know I've said this before but I really am grateful for all they do for us. They watched James and Piper on Wednesday for me so I could have an hour to go to my boot camp and again they watched Piper for me on Thursday so I could go to my Weight Watchers meeting. Stupid leader changing the meeting day on me, screwing everything up!!!

James has also been quite the handful as of late. Seems like every time I turn my back he's into something new. One day he had three time outs in the time span of an hour and a half. I think he's just testing me. I know I have to start laying down the law, I just don't know how. Is that odd? I'm horrible at discipline. It isn't that I don't want him to whine and cry, I just don't know where the lines are drawn as far as acceptable behaviour. I know really bad behaviour when I see it...James just really isn't that bad...in my eyes. So what do I let him get away with vs. what I shouldn't? Hmmmmmm....

Piper also has been...a handful this week. She's decided she's mobile! Piper can now get around pretty much on her own. Still not quite crawling yet, but she can move around like a ninja. She'll be in one place one minute, you take your eyes off her for a second and she's in a different place entirely. Last Tuesday I put her down in the middle of her bedroom floor and went into the next room to brush me teeth. She started fussing and crying rather angrily. I went to see what the problem was. She had gotten herself stuck. wedged actually, under her crib. It was a hard decision. Do I help her right away, or, run for the camera? Sadly, my better half got the best of me and I do not have a picture of that to show you.

Today was the first day in a week I was able to make it out for a run. It felt wonderful! I am now up to 18 minutes of running. Today I started with 8 minutes of running, 2 minutes of walking and finishing with 10 minutes of running. Close to the end of the 10 minutes I wanted to stop. I didn't. Apparently Trina joins me on my runs and yells motivation in my ears. I managed it and was so proud of myself! I'm getting there! Never thought I could make it this far. Still sceptical that I will actually be able to run a full 5k at one time. I think I'll throw an accomplishment party for myself when I do.

I've got two new recipes for you today too. Curried Butternut Squash and Apple Soup and a Taco Casserole. DELICIOUSNESS! James loved it until he discovered it had green peppers in it. Whoops.

Curried Butternut Squash and Apple Soup
It is to die for! Only 7 ingredients and 5 easy steps to make!
From The Best of Clean Eating

1 medium butternut squash
1 tbsp olive oil
1 small onion, chopped
2 tsp curry powder
1 tsp ground cinnamon
4 c water
1 apple, peeled, cored and chopped

Preheat oven to 425 F. Line baking sheet with foil

Cut squash in half lengthwise. Scrape seeds and strings out from the centre. Place squash, cut side down on baking sheet. Roast for 35-45 minutes or until the squash is softened. Remove from oven and let cool slightly.

When squash can be handled, scrape flesh into a bowl and discard the peel.

In a stockpot, heat oil over medium heat. Add onions and cook until translucent, about 5 minutes. Stir in curry powder and cinnamon; cook until fragrant. Add water, squash and apple; cook for 10 minutes. Remove from heat and let cool for 10-15 minutes.

Using a blender, puree soup until it's smooth.

2c serving

Calories 116
Total Fat 4g
Sat. Fat 0.3g
Carbs 22g
Fiber 4g
Protein 2g
Sugar 7g
Sodium 6mg
Cholesterol 0 mg

(*in typing out this recipe, I've discovered a serving is 2 cups NOT the one I've been eating...so YAY! The points are even lower than I thought!)

Taco Casserole

1 lb ground skinless chicken breast (I used extra lean ground beef, ground turkey would work too)
1/2 c onions, chopped
1/2 c bell peppers, chopped
1 clove garlic
1 pkg taco seasoning mix
8 ozs taco sauce (I didn't know what this was, so it didn't go into the casserole I made)
1 c fat-free sour cream
1 c fat-free cottage cheese
1 c low-fat tortilla chips, whole or broken up (I used Multigrain Tostidos)
1 c low-fat cheddar cheese, shredded
3/4 c salsa

Directions:

Heat oven to 400. Spray cooking spray on bottom of a 2-quart casserole dish; set aside. In a skillet,
cook chicken, onion, peppers, and garlic clove until tender. Add seasoning mix and taco sauce;
set aside. In a medium bowl, combine sour cream and cottage cheese; set aside. Place half the
broken chips in the bottom of casserole dish. Add meat mixture to cover the chips, then cover the
meat with sour cream mixture. Sprinkle with cheese and remaining crushed chips. Bake,
uncovered, for 30 minutes or until cheese has melted. Top with 3/4 cup salsa if desired.

Makes 8 (1 Cup Servings)

Nutritional Info Per Serving:
287 Calories; 4g Fat; 25g Protein; 34g Carbs; 43mg Cholesterol; 2g Fiber; Points Plus+ 7

The 20% Day

2012-01-27T22:11:00.001-05:00

I am learning a lot from Trina and Fit4Females Stroller Boot Camp. The one nutrition seminar I was able to attend that Trina held she spoke about the 80/20 rule. As long as you are good and stick with your proper eating habits 80% of the time, the other 20% of the time you aren't going to be such a saint and potentially still have weight loss results. Today was that "other" 20% day. Even then, my day was fantastic...up until after dinner and temptation was placed in front of me.

I had my usual breakfast of cereal and banana. I can't help it. I know it isn't the "cleanest" food, but I loves me my cereal. I drive Brad nuts. At any given time I will have 5 or more open boxes of cereal. I like to rotate through them. None of them are the sugary crap either. I love a good Raisin Bran or Life or any variety of Cheerios or Shreddies. MMmmmmm....Shreddies. When I was pregnant with James and had the wicked bad morning/noon/night sickness all I could keep down was Shreddies. Unfortunately I no longer purchase Shreddies. You just can't have a bowl of them without 2 inches of brown sugar coating the top. Great. Now I want Shreddies. Since I've been learning a little more about nutrition I'm trying to get at least three food groups into each meal. So I usually try to have a glass of milk and either a banana or blueberries in with my cereal.

Lunch today was Cream of Mushroom soup, 7 soda crackers and milk. Dinner was chicken almondine and blanched green beans with lemon juice.

Then we went to my Mom and Dad's house. I knew going in I had 4 points left in my day. Good for me since it is Friday night tradition stemming back from when we used to visit my Grandmother on Friday nights that we have a "Friday Night Goodie". Today's was doughnuts from Tim Horton's. I really do not like doughnuts. Knowing this, can someone please explain to me why the fuck did I have 3? Yes. Three. Okay, okay, let me explain. It really was like a strategic move in chess. The first one I had I chose carefully and with much consideration. I had 4 points. I knew I still had earned exercise points to use and all of my 49 weekly "woo-hoo" points. My selection was an old fashion chocolate dip. Tasty and complimented my vanilla spiked black coffee. James' selection was a filled sprinkle doughnut. He ate about 2/3's of it and discovered, much to his dismay, it was filled with Strawberry Jam. Before I knew it and without any rational thinking at all, it was in my mouth. I am usually pretty good at not finishing food that James hasn't finished. I don't like other people's spit...even if they are from my own gene pool. From that point on it was like a wild beast took over my body and was playing mind control games in my head. I then ate another doughnut that I picked out all on my own (a double chocolate old fashion) and scoffed that down. Hey, I still had that coffee left. I accidently asked for a large, forgetting Tim's changed their cup sizes and ended up with the old extra large cup. James' next selection was a Boston Cream, fortunately he ate the whole thing...but then the little bugger also took a plain chocolate dip...and it sat on his plate for a good 30 minutes. So of course, after I changed Piper's bum, down on the floor, sitting next to that remaining 1/2 of the doughnut, again that wild beast took over and forced that damn thing down my throat. It wasn't me officer! Honest!!! It just jumped into my mouth. I was holding it for someone else. It isn't mine!

On the ride home I had time to ponder my actions and try and figure out where my head goes in these situations. Brad and I had a discussion the previous night about drinking and alcoholics. I forget how the conversation came up but he believes anyone who binge drinks is an alcoholic. I know when I drink, I only do so to get drunk, which, now that I have kids, let me tell you, really isn't often. At all...and remembering some of my hangovers, that isn't such a bad thing. Relating that to food, I do the same thing. If I'm going to be bad, I do it to be really bad. If I go over my points or have a bad day food wise, I then will eat anything and everything that I shouldn't that I can find. A perfect example of this was what I did at Christmas. I ate all kinds of baked goods, cookies, chocolates, cakes, breads, candy and chips. Anything I could find. To the point I gained 7 pounds in a short 2-3 weeks. I felt like a convict that had been in lock up for 25 years without knowing the pleasure of sex for that long....I needed it and as much of it as I could get because I didn't know when my next meal would be. I binged on food like there was no tomorrow. Which is what happened to me tonight with the doughnuts. I binged.

Great. I know this about myself now. So now what? First step? Admit to it and take ownership of my mistake. I was going to pretend this didn't happen. I was not going to share this shame with you. I wasn't even going to journal this horrible sin. But I did, I am. I want to be completely honest with you and in doing so...with myself. "Hi, my name is Kim and I am a binge eater".

Here's the ugly, ugly truth.

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Friday, January 27, 2012

Morning

Life Cereal - Quick-added food

1 large banana(s)

2 cup(s) black coffee

Subtotal

Midday

1 cup(s) canned cream of mushroom soup, made with whole milk

1 serving(s) 7 Saltines Salted

1 oz Cheddar or colby cheese

8 medium uncooked baby carrots

1 cup(s) low-fat milk

Source Yogurt - Quick-added food

Subtotal

Evening

1 cup(s) cooked green beans

1 Chicken Almondine

Subtotal

Anytime

1/3 doughnut(s) Filled Donuts - Filled Donuts Strawberry (filled donut)

1/2 doughnut(s) Cake Donuts - Cake Donuts Chocolate Glazed (cake donut)

2 doughnut(s) Cake Donuts - Cake Donuts Old Fashion Plain (cake donut)

Subtotal

Food PointsPlus values total used

Food PointsPlus values remaining

Exercise

No entries for exercise.

Activity PointsPlus values earned

Check off these important items daily:

Liquids	Milk & Milk Products
Fruit & Vegetables	Multivitamin/Mineral
Healthy Oil

The Results Blog and Other Ramblings

2012-01-26T21:03:00.000-05:00

Let's not beat around the bush. Today was official Weight Watchers weigh in and I lost 0.6 and I hate their scale. It weighs more than the one at home....plus I don't weigh in naked at the meeting...you're welcome for that image. I don't want to tell you my weight. I really don't. I don't want anyone to know. But I'm going to tell you.

*COUGH194.4COUGH*

I know I shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed by this. It is just a number after all. A number I am not happy with none-the-less. I grew up as the chunky, unpopular, ugly red-headed kid with the 'fro, lost the weight, was happy with the way I looked, even if I didn't want to admit it. Now, I feel like I've come back full circle to that fat lonely kid again.

0.6 for first "official" Weight Watchers weigh in or not, I'm happy I rejoined. Going to the meetings help to give that added sense of accountability...and someone to help share my successes and failures with. I have always done better going to meetings than going it alone on line. I think for the next 20 weeks I will finally break over my weight slump and finally have the losses I was hoping for and expecting all along. I have an excellent handle on the program and have been getting in as much activity as I can, and am trying to find ways to include even more in my daily routines. It is hard when Brad is working shifts and taking care of the kids by myself but if this is something I want bad enough, I will find a way.

Today I feel ... yucky ...for lack of a better descriptor. I am feeling bloated and thought I had gone drastically over my points both yesterday and today so wasn't going to bother doing them, then realized those are exactly the behaviours that set me up for failure, so I went back and recorded it all. And you know what? Wasn't at all bad. In fact, with my earned activity points from my high intensity boot camp yesterday, I still come out ahead. I even still have one point leftover today. Looking at my food journal today, I didn't do so well getting in any vegetables or fruits and had a lot of carbs, which would probably account for why I am feeling so bloated. I also didn't drink enough water today. Only one crappy bottle of Dasani with lunch. I have a problem getting started drinking water. If I go for a run, I will drink it for the rest of the day. When I don't, it is hard to get that first bottle down. Without that first bottle I just can't be bothered. Will have a better plan for tomorrow.

At the meeting today I saw someone from my past. A past I had all but forgotten about, but played a major role in leading me to my current path in life, finding myself and beginning my Weight Watchers journey. I graduated college for something entirely different than what I am doing in my current career. In fact, I don't think what I graduated from could be further from my current job...other than they both deal with the handling and spending of money I never actually see. After graduation I got a job in my "chosen profession" and moved away from home at 23 to be closer to the city where the jobs where. Though I moved in with my, then, boyfriend and another male room-mate and had a dream job, I was so desperately unhappy. I didn't want to be so far away from my family and friends, I lost all three of my living grandmothers, and my dream job was a dream, just not my dream. I was so unhappy that thought I couldn't change my career or the path my life was taking so instead, I sought out to change who I was. My weight, at that time, had reached its all time high and when I joined Weight Watchers the first time, I was 182.2. The weight was slow to come off back then too, but at that time I knew I could do it and had to do it for my own peace of mind and happiness.

Turns out losing the weight (40.2 of it to be exact!) did more for me than just made me look at feel better about myself. It helped me to become more confident in who I was and in my decisions. I made up my mind to go back to school, move back to Hamilton, and do what I wanted to do with my life. Turns out, the contacts I made at the college I attended were solid and I made quite the impression on those I worked with. I was only in my new program for 8 weeks. I didn't even make it to mid-terms, before I found a "temporary" part-time job at the college. I haven't looked back since and the rest...as they say...is history.

So maybe, just maybe, this is why I am struggling so hard to lose the remaining 44 pounds this time around. This is the third time I've joined the program and have had a significant amount of weight to lose. This time around I am happy. All my complaining and bitching aside, I am happy. I have a loving husband, who I love (most of the time....give or take a few douchey moments of his), two beautiful children who I adore, a job I love (well...we'll see if that changes when I go back), a home that is our own and I get to make the decisions as to when I rip up a floor or two. I'm running and attending the most incredible exercise class. I have loving, concerned and supporting parents. I am living the life. Maybe my therapist was right. Maybe I'm okay just the way I am.....

.........though I could always be better.

Sweet dreams.

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Morning
1 large banana(s)	0
1 serving(s) Kelloggs Special K	2
2 cup(s) black coffee	0
Subtotal	2
Midday
Weight Watchers Toasted Coconut Bar - Quick-added food	2
1 serving(s) 6" Turkey Sub Subway	7
Subtotal	9
Evening
1 cup(s) cooked quinoa	5
2/3 package(s) Instant, Mix-Ins Chocolate fudge instant pudding	2
1 serving(s) Mealtyme White Bread	4
3 Tbsp 95% fat free whipped topping	1
1 Kim's Homemade Chili	5
Subtotal	17
Anytime
7 nut(s) almonds	1
Subtotal	1
*Food PointsPlus* values total used**	29
*Food PointsPlus* values remaining**	1
Exercise
No entries for exercise.
*Activity PointsPlus* values earned**	0
Check off these important items daily:

And yesterday

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Morning

1 serving(s) Multigrain Cheerios

1 large banana(s)

Subtotal

Midday

1 serving(s) Quaker Maple instant Oatmeal

Hazelnut Flavour Shot Tim Hortons - Quick-added food

1 cup(s) black coffee

1 large fresh apple(s)

1 Kim's Homemade Chili

Subtotal

Evening

1/3 package(s) Instant, Mix-Ins Chocolate fudge instant pudding

4 slice(s) mixed-grain bread

1 cup(s) low-fat milk

2 Kim's Homemade Chili

Subtotal

Anytime

No entries for this meal time.

Subtotal

Food PointsPlus values total used

Food PointsPlus values remaining

Exercise

Bootcamp - Activity I created

Activity PointsPlus values earned

Check off these important items daily:

Liquids	Milk & Milk Products
Fruit & Vegetables	Multivitamin/Mineral
Healthy Oil

Amazball

2012-01-24T22:15:00.002-05:00

Today was a day at rest. Not from doing things around the house, just from actual activity. Did not get out for my run. The days I do not get out I feel like no matter what I eat, I won't lose weight and it is a day beyond redemption. I know that isn't the case. I write every little thing down that I eat, and now drink. Looking at my points today I went over only by 1...and since I have both banked activity points AND my weekly allotted points remaining I know that, realistically, it is okay to be over by one. So then why do I feel like I failed today?

I am a little bloated feeling. I could probably attribute this to having a diet pepsi today. It had been a while and it was delightful. Not a habit I want to get back into though.

Lunch was amazballs. I made chocolate banana whole wheat pancakes topped with apple slices. To die for. I usually don't like pancakes, but these were pretty damn good if I do say so myself! Dinner was Turkey Chilli. I even managed to get James to eat half of his...including the zuchinni. I make a mean chilli.

I've been enjoying trying new recipes each day. Nice breaking out of the rut of the same old things that I know how to make. I've never really been a very good cook. I tend to prefer baking. I like to know exactly what to do with meat and what to make along with it. Since most of the things we've been trying have been turning out, my confidence in the kitchen is getting a little better to the point where I'm creating my own dishes. The thought of returning to work with Brad working shifts has been terrifying me. Some days I will have to hand the kids all by myself, from dropping them off at my parents (or school eeek!) in the morning then picking them up at night, getting home and making dinner. It has been very reassuring knowing that some of the new things I've found in the Best of Clean Eating cook book have been easy to make with things that I have on hand and have taken a fairly short amount of both prep and cooking time. Maybe I can do this after all. See? There it is. I have to stop telling myself now that I can't do it and I won't be able to do it and that it will be hell on earth. It will be doable. Many women do it every day. Many of them single moms who have to do it all day, every day. Because of this, I am eternally grateful I have a husband who is willing to help out when needed and to have my parents who would do anything for me and the kids. Honestly, without my parents, the first three months of Piper's life...I don't think I would have made it through without them.

Tomorrow morning is boot camp and unofficial weigh in at home for my on line weight watchers and the bet I have going with Brad. Wish me luck!

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Morning

1 serving(s) Multigrain Cheerios

1 large banana(s)

3 cup(s) black coffee

Subtotal

Midday

Banana Chocolate Chip Whole Wheat pancakes - Quick-added food

1/2 large fresh apple(s)

1 cup(s) low-fat milk

Subtotal

Evening

1 cup(s) low-fat milk

5 slice(s) mixed-grain bread

1 Kim's Homemade Chili

Subtotal

Anytime

1 serving(s) 7 Saltines Salted

Subtotal

Food PointsPlus values total used

Food PointsPlus values remaining

Exercise

No entries for exercise.

Activity PointsPlus values earned

Check off these important items daily:

Liquids	Milk & Milk Products
Fruit & Vegetables	Multivitamin/Mineral
Healthy Oil

Rebel Without a Cause

2012-01-23T19:13:00.001-05:00

AHA! I figured it out. After some careful self evaluation and hard thinking, I believe I have figured out why I set myself up for self sabotage and can't control my mindless eating.

All my life I've had to answer to someone else, follow someone else's rules. I struggled to find myself and become my own person while living within, what I felt, were strict rules. I rebelled as a teenager the best I could. It was hard to figure out who I was when I wasn't allowed to go far from home and didn't have many friends.

Now, I have no one to answer to. I am my own person. I have no rules and the decisions I make are my own. The only one telling me what to do is myself, and as the cliché saying goes, "I follow nobody's rules, not even my own". I suppose down deep I don't like people telling me what to do so much that I even rebel against myself. Does that make sense? I have no one else to say no to or disagree with other than myself.

Being aware of this unfortunately doesn't make it any better. I can only try to be more mindful and aware of what I am eating and why. The good feeling of being in control and having a positive self image is far, far better than the depressed, bloated, self hating feeling I get when I spiral out of control. I want that good feeling to last. God, I am my own worst enemy. How can I know what is right and what to do and then do the exact opposite? I am a pro at this Weight Watchers thing. I know it works. I know that it works well. Is it because I know that it does work I figure it'll still work if I only kinda sorta follow the program. I think I over think things a little too much.

I've had a lot going through my head lately. Brad and I have been discussing James and what is best for him in preparation of school in September. He is a fairly well behaved, fairly polite little boy. He plays well by himself. I only want what is best for him. Brad is strongly making an argument for placing him in pre-school two days a week (most centres won't allow for only one day). I feel guilt either way. I feel guilty for keeping him home, without interaction with other kids. He is good at playing independently when I'm cleaning or cooking dinner. He doesn't mind being alone. However he doesn't share well and doesn't get to play with other kids all that much. I feel guilty for considering placing him in pre-school because I am home, I am able to take care of my own child. I will never again have the opportunity to be home with my kids all day everyday again. Once I go back to work that is it. Given our current financial situation, we also don't really need an extra $78 a week. Sure I'm good at the family budget and we can fit it in, especially since there is no more pizza and wings or eating out. I also know that it will be met with disapproval from my parents. And more than any thing else, I do not want to disappoint my parents.

I digress. Hard life decisions. My kids are my world and I only want what is best for them. I had a fair lonely childhood and didn't make friends well...and as Brad loves to point out...I do not share my toys well.

I did well today with both food and activity. Got my run on this afternoon after the ran stopped and the sun came out and used all but three points of food. Considering a beer....hmmmm....................

Today's dinner was my own creation. Quinoa with beef sirloin stir-fry.

Previous day's lunch was whole wheat pancakes with apple and banana slices

.

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Monday, January 23, 2012

Morning

1 serving(s) Kelloggs Special K

1 large banana(s)

1 cup(s) black coffee

Subtotal

Midday

1/2 cup(s) water-packed tuna fish, drained

1 item(s) Ezekiel 4:9 Sprouted Grain Tortilla

1 tsp Dijon Mustard

1 gm dried chia seeds

1 cup(s) low-fat milk

1/3 oz Cheddar or colby cheese

2 oz Dill Pickle(s)

5 item(s) uncooked baby carrots

Subtotal

Evening

1/2 cup(s) cooked quinoa

1 cup(s) low-fat milk

1 Beef Teriyaki Stirfry

Subtotal

Anytime

10 nut(s) almonds

Subtotal

Food PointsPlus values total used

Food PointsPlus values remaining

Exercise

17 min jogging

30 min walking, brisk

Activity PointsPlus values earned

Check off these important items daily:

Liquids	Milk & Milk Products
Fruit & Vegetables	Multivitamin/Mineral
Healthy Oil

That One Day

2012-01-20T11:12:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was *the* day. You know that day. The day where one thing leads to another and the next thing you know you find yourself on the couch with a large (skinny*snort*) vanilla bean latte, a bag of chocolate covered peanut butter filled pretzels, a slice of left over deep dish pizza from the previous night and a pity party in the making. Never had that kind of day? No? Denial ain't just a river in Egypt for your then is it?

Yesterday started out typical. It was Brad's day off. I started my day out okay. Had a play date at an indoor play ground with the kids, from there went to my Weight Watchers meeting, didn't have time for lunch. James was rewarded for going poop in the potty by being allowed to go to the Bulk Barn to choose a candy reward and that's probably where it all went down hill. I happened to notice a bin of Milk Chocolate covered peanut butter filled pretzels. OF COURSE I had to try some. I mean, creamy sweet milk chocolate. Salty smooth peanut butter. Salty crunchy pretzels. Who in their right mind could pass up this once in a lifetime flavour experience? Then because there was a mild snow storm and it was just across the street, I HAD to get a latte.

Sad part? They pretzels gave me a tummy ache and I had maybe a quarter of my latte. I don't know how many of the pretzels I actually had. Yesterday I didn't bother doing my points at all. I had planned on pretending like yesterday didn't happen and just go on about my business and beg ignorance come weigh in time. Honest, I don't know WHY I gained this week. I was a perfect angel. What good would that be though? Lying to myself and any blog readers I may actually have. What is the point of this then? Why pretend I'm perfect and my life is perfect? It isn't. So I did my points. I looked up the nutritional info on line for my pretzels and it isn't pretty. 4.5 grams of saturated fat? Seriously?

Nutrition Facts
Pure Milk Chocolate Peanut Butter filled Pretzels

Serving Size: 40 g

Amount

% Daily Value

Calories 200

Total Fat 11g

17%

Saturated Fat 4.5g

Trans fat 0g

Total Fat Percentage

23%

Cholesterol 5mg

Sodium 300mg

13%

Carbohydrates 21g

Dietary Fibre 2g

Sugars 9g

Proteins 5g

Vitamin A

Vitamin C

Calcium

Iron

I will be getting rid of the rest. Honestly? They were rather disappointing anyway.Today is a new day and I will not dwell on yesterday. I will aim and strive to do better.
Yesterday ended up looking like this. Probably way off on how many servings of the pretzels I had.

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Morning
1 serving(s) Kelloggs Special K	2
1 cup(s) black coffee	0
Subtotal	2
Midday
3 serving(s) Milk Chocolate Peanut Butter filled Pretzles	16
1 serving(s) Second Cup Skinny Vanilla Bean Latte	5
1 Windy City Pie	7
Subtotal	28
Evening
1 serving(s) Kelloggs Special K	2
Subtotal	2
Anytime
No entries for this meal time.
Subtotal	0
*Food PointsPlus* values total used**	32
*Food PointsPlus* values remaining**	0
Exercise
No entries for exercise.
*Activity PointsPlus* values earned**	0

The Music to Move You

2012-01-18T21:30:00.001-05:00

On my run today I forgot to change the playlist from what the kids and I had been dancing to while cleaning up after dinner last night. I ended up doing my entire run/walk/climb to NKOTBSB. I'm not one for pop music. There are certain Lady Gaga and Katy Perry little ditties that I can tolerate, mostly though my tastes are a little harder. Usually the angrier or faster, the better. The change to the "older" happy music of my childhood energized me and got me moving better than the "other stuff".

Music really does set the mood. When I used to work out at the gym on my lunch hours at work, the harder the music the better for me. I needed that type of music to fit my mood back then. I have a job that, at times, is very fast paced, demanding and stressful. I would go for an hour, do 25 minutes of cardio and 15 minutes of weights. I needed something that would relieve my stress and help push my body to my limits. Nothing like a little Disturbed, Drowning Pool or Rob Zombie to sweat to! Trust me, these sessions saved some of my more needy clients a punch in the nose.

Now that I am off work I need something to be able to relax and reflect to. To remind me of the simpler things in life. A little bubble gum pop music may just be able to do it, in the form of New Kids on the Block and Backstreet Boys. I even found myself mouthing the words to songs at times. Great, I'm getting soft in my old age. I draw the line at Justin Bieber though. These ears are still Bieber virgins.

It is too bad that Weight Watchers officially starts tomorrow and today was the very first weigh in to get the starting weight on the little side bet Brad and I have going again. Compared to last week I lost 3.8 pounds! See? The program works when followed and followed correctly. Add to that my attempts at clean eating (cleaning anyway), I had an awesome week. I'm still 2 pounds above where I got down to prior to the Christmas season, but I will not and am not dwelling on it. I actually felt so disgusted with myself and depressed beyond any level I had been since starting my medication that I am using that to motivate me and keep me motivated. I do not want to feel that bloated and low on energy again. Weight this week: 190.6

Today's dinner was another recipe out of The Best of Clean Eating. The picture makes it look quite naughty, however, under that cheese is a whole whack of vegetables and turkey sausage. The home-made crust was whole wheat and nice and crispy. A definite try again.

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Morning

1 serving(s) Kelloggs Special K

1 large banana(s)

2 cup(s) black coffee

1 cup(s) low-fat milk

Subtotal

Midday

1 large egg(s)

2 item(s) egg white(s)

1 cup(s) fresh spinach

1/2 cup(s) button mushrooms

1/2 oz Cheddar or colby cheese

1/2 item(s) Ezekiel 4:9

1 serving(s) Activia Peach/Prune Yogurt

Subtotal

Evening

1/2 cup(s) strawberries

3 Tbsp 95% fat free whipped topping

2 Windy City Pie

Subtotal

Anytime

No entries for this meal time.

Subtotal

Food PointsPlus values total used

Food PointsPlus values remaining

Exercise

30 min jogging

10 min stairclimber, 36 steps per minute

30 min walking, brisk

Activity PointsPlus values earned

Check off these important items daily:

Liquids	Milk & Milk Products
Fruit & Vegetables	Multivitamin/Mineral
Healthy Oil

GAH and double GAH!!!

2012-01-17T14:37:00.000-05:00

GAH! Just when a plan comes into place and works out to make your life easier, someone goes and changes a tiny element of it, throwing everything out of whack! DOUBLE GAH!

Yesterday I was so happy about the plan to be able to attend Weight Watchers meetings on Wednesday's after boot camp. It was going to involve a lot of driving, but it was going to be okay, it was going to be alone time and as one of my readers pointed out, time to blast MY music for a change. I even figured out where I was going to be able to park without having to pay for it AND get lunch to bring to the meetings. Someone decided to change the day of the meeting to Thursday instead of Wednesday meaning two out of three meetings I will have to figure out what to do with the kids. Bright side? I can still park at the mall and get Subway as planned. Down side? I really don't want to bring James and Piper with me. Yes, I'm sure if I asked my parents would watch them for me, how ever I hate always asking and I really don't want to drive them all the way into their house, back across the mountain to the meeting, back again to get them and then back again to take them home. Two days in a row just isn't worth it. Small change and big issue for me. Dammit!'

Still motivated today. Yesterday went well. Went for a run and completed the Fit4Females M.O.M. challenge at home. For dinner I made home made Sheppard's Pie. It is a Weight Watchers recipe I learned when I first joined that I tweaked slightly to be clean. The recipe calls for Instant mashed potatoes, which I actually prefer, but I used real mashed. More of a pain in the ass to make, especially when Brad is on nights, as he was last night, but a better option. I enjoy Sheppard's Pie, especially on cold winter days, however James is turning into quite the picky eater. Lately anything I make is a "yucky dinner". I'm not one for making him stay at the table until everything is done, I do insist however that he at least try it. It has been a struggle especially when Brad is working the night shift and I'm trying to get James to eat dinner while at the same time keeping Piper happy. One of life's challenges with two kids and the husband's new job.

I've gotten into a routine. Life just works right now (with the Weight Watchers meeting exception), I am terrified of going back to work, and the new challenges that will go along with it, and then again when James will start junior kindergarten in September. We'll save the blog for another day, stay positive now and just roll with the punches that come my way now.

Today is a day of rest as far as running is concerned. I do plan on the challenge again later tonight after the kids are in bed. Left over Sheppard's Pie again tonight wither James likes it or not.

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Monday, January 16, 2012

Morning
1 serving(s) Kelloggs Special K	2
1 large banana(s)	0
3 cup(s) black coffee	0
Subtotal	2
Midday
1 cup(s) fresh spinach	0
1 tsp olive oil	1
2 tsp balsamic vinegar	0
1 cup(s) low-fat milk	3
1 Chicken Almondine	8
Subtotal	12
Evening
shepard's pie - Quick-added food	8
4 slice(s) pumpernickel bread	8
Subtotal	16
Anytime
1 large fresh apple(s)	0
1 Tbsp flax seed(s)	1
Subtotal	1
*Food PointsPlus* values total used**	31
*Food PointsPlus* values remaining**	0
Exercise
60 min jogging	13
*Activity PointsPlus* values earned**	13

2012-01-16T14:24:00.000-05:00

Just got back from a run and a rather delightful yet chilly run. It is funny. When I'm out and actually doing "the deed" I'm nothing but positivity and rah rah I can do it. I suppose it is the fresh air and the time alone and quiet to clear my head without constant interruptions. I planned my meals for most of the week and the lunch I was going to have when I got back home while I was on my run.

I'm not one to get "bored" of food, so when I find a meal I can fit into all of my requirements, I stick with it, especially if it tastes good. I know that isn't a good thing to practice since your body does need a variety of nutrients and may get used to what you put into it if it is the same thing over and over. Before I left, I had planned on another spinach and egg white omelet. Had that yesterday, tasted good, easy to make, fail safe. Instead I was able to think about what was in the house and planned lunch around that. Ended up having a leftover chicken almondine breast on a bed of spinach, flax seed with olive oil and balsamic vinegar on it. Delicious!

I found the Chicken Almondine recipe in a new cook book I got after the holidays. "The Best of Clean Eating". I really like some of the recipes in it. They mostly use ingredients I already had around the house and are really simple to make....and are common sense. When you think about it, most recipe books are "clean" since they mostly require fresh ingredients. I do recommend this book to anyone who is thinking about eating a little bit healthier.

Here's the chicken recipe for anyone interested:

1/4c slivered unsalted almonds, toasted, divided (I didn't bother toasting, next time I'll give it a try)
1 tbsp whole wheat flour
1/4 tbsp Spanish paprika
Sea salt and Pepper to taste
4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (1lb total) pounded to 1/2 inch thickness (which I didn't do)
Olive oil cooking spray
1 lb fresh green beans
Zest of 1 lemon (about 2 to 3 tsp)
Juice of 1/2 lemon (about 1 tbsp)

Grind half of the almonds to a powder. In medium bowl, combine grounded almonds, flour and paprika. Season with salt and pepper. Dredge chicken breast in almond-flour mixture and set aside.

Set large non-stick or cast-iron skillet over high heat for one minute. Mist with cooking spray and heat for one minute more. Reduce heat to medium-high and saute chicken for three minutes per side or until golden brown with no pink remaining. Remove from heat.

Bring a medium pot of water to boil. Add beans and blanch for one minute. Remove beans from water. In large bowl toss beans with lemon zest and juice, season with salt and pepper.

To serve, sprinkle with remaining eight-cup of almonds over top of chicken, dividing evenly. Serve each chicken breast with 3/4c of green beans.

Calories 220
Total Fat 6g
Sat Fat 0.75g
Carbs 12g
Fiber 5g
Sugars 2g
Protein 30g
Sodium 111mg
Cholesterol 66mg

New Strategy and Thinking

2012-01-15T10:44:00.000-05:00

What is wrong with me? Seriously what is wrong with me? Why can't I do this? Why am I having such a hard time doing what I've been doing for the past 12 years?

In councilling we've started working on my negative self image and my up coming return to work. I always focus on the negative. It doesn't matter if it is in regard to myself, my house, or my accomplishments. Often if I can't do something "good enough" or be the BEST at it, I give up. I have an "all or nothing" attitude. If I can't be the best at something, I'd just rather not do it to avoid failure or losing. What kind of life is that? If you set yourself up for failure, you will lose everytime.

I'm being taught to change my thinking from I'm not good enough or I'm not worth it to "I am good enough, I'm okay just the way I am and I am worth it". So hard when after 33 years you've told yourself "yes, but...".

I am trying hard to change my thinking. I'm trying hard not to just do what I know I am capable of and to push myself a little bit further. If I do fail, I fail, I'll just keep at it until I am able to accomplish it...and then it'll feel like a success. This is the case with my running. I took the month of December off (which I regret). I was able to come up with all kinds of excuses...the kids traded a bad cold back and forth since November 28th. I was sick with a mild sinus cold. December was crazy insane with family event after family event. This lax attitude helped me to regain 7 of the 9 pounds I worked my ass off to lose the 3 months before. I had a pitty party. I was in a very dark place again. So easy to slip back into old thinking and feelings. My first run of the new year I went back a week in training. It was difficult but I got out there. Considering going out today once I'm done this post.

I have officially rejoined Weight Watchers meetings. I have been following on line with some small success. I always do better in the group meeting sessions. I like have someone to compare myself with. Horrible I know. My place of employment is offering an "at work" 20 week session of meetings. Wednesdays will be crazy busy with me driving across the city 4 times that day. 1 to drop James off at my parents then go to bootcamp, 2 to drop Piper off at my parents then drive into the college for meeting, 3 to drive back to my parents to pick up the kids and 4 to drive home once it is all over. Sometimes though you have to do what you have to do to take time for yourself and make yourself happy.

Speaking of which, I need to make time for myself and keep my blog up. I suppose I haven't been doing so because I didn't want anyone to know about my failures. Failures though are what make us all human. This is a struggle for me. When I don't do well, I get depressed. Writing my feelings down in highschool in my diary used to help get the negative feelings out and refocus. I recently shredded my old diaries. I couldn't even re-read them. Some of the feelings in there were too painful to relive. I honestly didn't have a bad life. I had a bad self preception which lead to years of misery and pain.

I don't want to live that kind of life and I certainly do not want to pass it on to my kids. I try my damnest not to obsess over my looks, say I'm fat, have negative self talk infront of them. When I am asked why I'm not having ice cream or cookies with the family or why I go to exercise class or out for a run, I simply say "to get healthy".

Because ultimately that's what this is all about. To get healthy. Both physically AND mentally.

Jealous much? The Results Blog

2011-11-23T21:15:00.000-05:00

I lost 3.8 pounds this week and according to MY scale I am officially out of the 190's! I weighed in at home at 189.8! I am so excited! I have been motivated. I have been feeling good about myself. I have been able to avoid temptation and say no to certain foods that have been offered to me. I've added flax, almonds, more vegetables and cut out all processed foods and "white" foods.

Brad? Well. 'Kay first, men lose easier. Second, he has a lot more weight to lose than I do. HE lost 12.8 pounds. In a week. Just by following the same diet I have been. I'm proud of him. I'm happy for him. I am a sore loser though. We have a side bet going on who can lose 20 pounds by December 21. I was winning. And then, he started taking it serious and I started cooking healthy. So I take FULL credit for his loss. I'm the one who got his ass off the couch for a walk. I'm the one gently suggesting what not to eat and what to eat. What habits that should stop. Pointing out to him his unconsious eating.

Yea, I'm a sore loser, however it certainly doesn't help when he is over my shoulder as I type this gloating and teasing about his great job.

I do jest though. He's done a great job. To start eating healthy like this takes a lot of disipline and you do have to come to terms with it and be ready. I'm proud of him for doing this with me. This is the support I so despereately needed in my life and this is the change in his that he needed.

Together, we will be unstoppable! ( I will however be adding a cup of pure lard to all his protions of food until the bet is over though...shhhhhh......)

K

( I will however be adding a cup of pure lard to all his protions of food until the bet is over though...shhhhhh......)

2011-11-21T21:06:00.000-05:00

I feel amazing. I am trying new things that before I didn't think I would like or would be too hard to maintain. Now that we have the proper groceries in the house and have replaced certain items with a healthier or better option, eating "cleaner" is a whole hell of a lot easier.

I am enjoying my lunches of spinach, tuna and eggs. I started throwing a quarter cup of tuna on my spinach salad along with a couple tea spoons of flax seeds, pair it up with a hard boiled egg, a cup of milk and Greek yogurt (another teaspoon of flax) and your GOLDEN! Tonight's dinner was one of my best yet. I made a stir fry creation of my very own! I'm usually pretty unwilling to concoct something in the kitchen on my own in fear that it won't taste good and no one will end up eating dinner. However, I made my own stir fry marinade. A couple shakes of soy sauce, a couple shakes of worshetershire a teaspoon of olive oil, a table spoon of honey, garlic and pepper. Sauteed a cut of sirloin beef, measured 3oz per portion, onion, green and red pepper and zucchini and a side of brown rice. DELICIOUS! James even ate and liked it. Yeah, the sodium content could have been better, but it was a start.

There have been some misses too. Take today's lunch for example. I took two hard boiled eggs, mashed them up and filled a whole grain tortilla along with spinach and some cheddar cheese. It definitely needed something...else. Something tangy. I'm not one for egg salad, so mayonnaise it out. Maybe some dill pickle spears for crunch and tang. Might be willing to give it another try.

My attempts at a total lifestyle change are having an impact on both James and Brad. James and I had a good discussion about what is and is not healthy and why healthy is good for you. Brad has been eating better and making a conscious effort to lose weight. He is even allowing me to coach him a little bit and be a bit of a drill sergeant when I see something he shouldn't do or could do better. Like, finishing off James' food, especially if it is something bad. He's even joined the YMCA so he will be able to use their gym facilities. Yes, baby steps are being made all around and I am proud of us all.

I haven't been able to get in much activity this week other than housework unfortunately. The weekend was busy with family stuff and with the loss of my itouch and running program, I was unable to get out for a run. I'm not happy about that but I am not going to beat myself up about it like I normally would. I'm not sure how well boot camp and possible runs will go this week as I've had a minor physical set back. This morning at 6:00am I began my day by falling down the stairs. All 8 of them, from the very top to the very bottom. I've twisted my knee and ankle pretty badly and have wicked bruises on my elbow and bicep. I'm not exactly sure how it happened, however I am eternally grateful that I was not carrying Piper at the time.

I'm off to have a nice hot bath now. It has been a long day, I am sore and sleepy. Tonight? I'm going to bed happy.

K

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Monday, November 21, 2011

Morning
1 serving(s) Multigrain Cheerios 3
1 large banana(s) 0
1/4 cup(s) unsweetened frozen blueberries 0
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
2 tsp flax seed(s) 1
Subtotal 4
Midday
2 large whole hard-boiled egg(s) 4
1 serving(s) Ezekiel Whole Grain Pita 4

1 cup(s) fresh spinach 0
1 oz Cheddar or colby cheese 3
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 serving(s) PC Hummus 2
7 item(s) uncooked baby carrots 0
Subtotal 12

Evening
3 oz cooked lean and trimmed beef sirloin 4
1/2 cup(s) uncooked instant brown rice 5
1 Tbsp soy sauce 0
1 Tbsp honey 2
1 cup(s) cooked zucchini 0
1 cup(s) cooked sweet green pepper strips 0
1 cup(s) cooked sweet red pepper strips 0
1 cup(s) cooked onion(s) 0
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
Subtotal 14

Anytime
10 Almonds 2
Subtotal 2

Food PointsPlus values total used 34

The day the lights went out

2011-11-18T22:09:00.000-05:00

We had big plans for today. James and I cleaned the living room while Piper watched and Brad slept in the morning, in preparation for decorating for Christmas. At some point in the morning I placed my iPod on our Rubbermaid set of plastic drawers (the ones I keep all the soothers and bibs in) along with my mug of coffee. As I happened to look over, I saw Coffee (our cat) hop onto the drawers and prepare to jump over to the half wall that separates the entrance from the dining room. I act a second too slowly and the drawers, coffee (the tasty beverage) and ipod go every which direction. DEVASTATION! The coffee (again the tasty beverage) can be refilled. The ipod? $170 to fix or $180 for a new 8 gig. Coffee (the cat) is in the dog house.

I did not realize just how attached I have become to that handy little device until the lights went out on it. It has become my source of socialization while on maternity leave. I hate the telephone, even as a teenager. I'd rather text or email, facebook or tweet. More importantly than anything else, this time around with the baby, that little device (which I had named Harvey II) is my key to weight loss. My running program is on it as is my mobile weight watchers tracking. I find I will track my points much more easily and readily since it is right there. I'm not required to look points up for anything as it is all in my database. All points are kept track with no math work for me to do. I automatically know what my daily, weekly and activity points are at a glance. I can also keep track of my water intake and how many servings of each food group I have consumed. Tomorrow we have to take it back to the Apple Store and I will be without for a while. I'm actually panicking. I was doing so well and I don't know how I can keep my motivation up without it. Especially with the running. The helpful timer and beeping ensured I was learning to run correctly by slowly building up my endurance. Oh please people at Apple, be gentle. Harvey is worth an additional $170 to me because he is my life! Reason I opted to get Harvey fixed rather than replaced? Mine is a 32 gig. The Replacement would only be 8 gig and I enjoy having my entire cd collection and then some in my pocket, ;P

So despite my best intentions of grocery shopping and going for a run, I did neither as we ventured to the Apple Store for NOTHING. We have to go back tomorrow to drop it off (long story). Hopefully I can get one more run in before I have to give it up. Harvey is still operational, just no longer back lit, so very hard to see.

Food wise I did very good. While I did have a sub for dinner, we didn't take the easier way out of burger and fries or any other fast alternative since we didn't get out of Apple until 5:30.

Today was a crappy, frustrating day. It is now over. Tomorrow will be better. I know it will.

K

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries
Friday, November 18, 2011

Morning
1 serving(s) Honey Nut Cheerios 3
1/4 cup(s) unsweetened frozen blueberries 0
2 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3

Midday
1 cup(s) fresh spinach 0
1 tsp olive oil 1
2 tsp red wine vinegar 0
1 oz Cheddar cheese 3
1/4 cup(s) water-packed tuna fish, drained 1
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 large whole hard-boiled egg(s) 2
Subtotal 10

Evening
Roast Beef Sub on Whole Wheat, no cheese - 12
Subtotal 12

Anytime
Date loaf - Quick-added food 4
Subtotal 4

Food PointsPlus values total used 29
Food PointsPlus values remaining 1

You are what you eat

2011-11-17T20:58:00.000-05:00

Today I am proud of James and I. I made a healthy dinner, and he ate it. Without being prompted! Tonight I made Wild Salmon brushed with a tsp of olive oil and two tsps of balsamic vinegar, broiled for 12 minutes, a side of brown rice with zucchini quickly sauteed in a little bit of soy sauce, and a baby spinach salad for me.

James ate his entire salmon fillet without any problem at all, and even commented that it was "really good Mommy!". I had to encourage him to try the rice, and he did, said it was good even. Then he tried one of the cucumbers in it (zucchini, but did nothing to discourage him calling it that at the time since he loves cucumber).

Eating healthy and a positive self image is something I am very concerned about with my kids. Today James asked me why I go to an exercise class. I was very careful not to say it was to lose weight or to get thin. I made a point of saying it was to get and stay healthy. I try really had that no matter how badly I am feeling about myself on any given day, I do not project those feelings of doubt and self hatred. Having low self esteem and a low self image is a horrible thing to have and I certainly do not want either James or Piper to have these feelings that I am plagued with almost every day. I make sure to call James handsome and Piper beautiful. I tell both my children I love them and that to me they are special. I want my children to have the self confidence I pretend to have while inside I doubt in myself everything. You can especially tell when I'm attempting to be confident at work and I start stuttering and tripping over my words. The worst is when I know I'm doing it and am aware of it, just makes it all come out worse. The only problem I hope I don't encounter is creating little monsters who think they are the only ones in the world with giant huge egos. Must find the balance to create well rounded creative thinking individuals.

I did not make it out for a run today. Instead I had a play date for James. It was bloody cold out anyway. I will go tomorrow and have rescheduled my run for Saturday (I had planned on resting on the weekend anyway). This works out better anyway. I had three days straight of activity, time to give the body a day of rest and get back into it tomorrow. I was quite pleased with my eating today. I think I ate as clean as I could get with what I had on hand. Given a properly stocked pantry, it wouldn't be as hard as I had always assumed it to be. Still can't quit the coffee though. Almost fell asleep this morning while giving Piper her bottle. So we'll just have to cut it down to two cups a day and go from there.

Tomorrow is measurement day! Let us hope for good things. Fingers crossed!

K

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries
Thursday, November 17, 2011

Morning
1 serving(s) Life Cereal 3
1 large banana(s) 0
2 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 3

Midday
1 cup(s) spinach 0
1 tsp olive oil 1
2 tsp balsamic vinegar 0
1 oz cheddar cheese 3
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
Subtotal 7

Evening
1/2 cup(s) instant brown rice 5
1 cup(s) cooked zucchini 0
2 tsp balsamic vinegar 0
1 tsp olive oil 1
1 serving(s) Salmon Fillet 3
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 cup(s) spinach 0
1 serving(s) Renee's Lemon Poppy Seed 1
Subtotal 13

Anytime
1/2 slice(s) date-nut bread 3
Subtotal 3

Food PointsPlus values total used 26
Food PointsPlus values remaining 4

Dr Seuss Knows Best

2011-11-16T21:15:00.000-05:00

Breathe in. Breathe out. Now silently scream inside your head. Scream even though you knew what the out come would be. Scream and criticize yourself because there was probably something else you could have done. Should have done. Lied to yourself about somewhere along the way. Didn't push yourself hard enough. Took the easy way out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Now...let. It. Go. Poof.

Negative thoughts. Always negative thoughts first. Today was weigh in day for both Weight Watchers and for the Biggest Loser Challenge. I got to watch my weight rise and feel like a big loser! Wooo! This week I thought I did pretty well. I made some food choices I normally wouldn't make. Tried to think outside the box and make the best of what I had on hand in the house already to make due until grocery day (and payday) Friday. I made sure that every day I had scheduled a little red "R" on my calendar, I got my ass out the door. Sure I had some slip ups along the way, but as far as Weight Watchers was concerned, I wrote down everything I ate. Everything.

So what happened? How did I manage to gain 0.6 pounds this week? I don't know. It is a mystery. “Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.” - Dr, Seuss. In other words. Shit happens, learn from it and move on. Sure, I"m taking it out of context, but for my purposes, it fits. Maybe it should read more like: "Don't cry, because it is over. Smile because it happened". Yeah, I gained. I was really hoping to do well my first week of this challenge. But to quote another create "creator" "You can't always get what you want"...but I may just get what I need...in this case, the kick in the ass and the extra motivation I need to make me even more determined, more stubborn and more on target than last week. Ha. That is me. Taking a negative and turning it into a positive.

Trina was great though. I think she really knew how hard the gain hit me even though I (think) I maintained a brave exterior and didn't show how badly it effected me. She gave me the pep talk I needed to hear. Sometimes I get caught up trying to be the best I can be and if I don't see the results, I pretty much give up. I am hard on myself. Extremely hard on myself. I hate to fail and I hate not seeing results and giving anything less than my best. Because of which, I think I often underestimate myself. Must stop that. I will do better. I will get through this. And, more importantly I think, once I get there, I WILL be happy with myself and what I have achieved. I will quit trying to reach for perfection, because that is the one sure way to ensure a failure.

However, as much of a perfectionist as I am, I am still looking for that one thing that I can be happy with, be proud of and flaunt. And it ain't NEVER going to be my butt or thighs...sorry Trina!

“Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.”

K

PointsPlus™ Tracker entries

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Morning
1 serving(s) Life Cereal 3 - can't give up my cereal. Too quick and easy in the morning and I LOVE cereal. Will try to find a better kind of cereal though.
1 large banana(s) 0
Subtotal 3
Midday
1 serving(s) Tim Horton's Chicken Ranch Wrap 5 - it was a whole wheat tortilla. My parents bought it for me and I couldn't say no. They had it ready and waiting for me when I picked up James after bootcamp.
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 5

Evening
4 oz cooked pork loin, lean and fat 7 - will break out the food scale again for exact portion sizes.
1/2 cup(s) instant brown rice 5
1/2 zucchini 0
1 cup(s) spinach 0
1 serving(s) Sub dried tomato dressing 1 - am out of olive oil, could not make my own. Measured out actual serving size as per packaging.
Subtotal 13

Anytime
10 item(s) baby carrots 0
1 large banana(s) 0
Homemade Date Loaf - 3 - I love to bake...and I needed the date loaf to help out until I am able to get to grocery store and purchase chia and flax seeds. Don't ask. ;)
Subtotal 3

Food PointsPlus values total used 24
Food PointsPlus values remaining 6

Exercise
Bootcamp - 4
Activity PointsPlus values earned 4

Reflections

2011-11-10T20:43:00.000-05:00

We're back to being motivated and I'm pretty proud of myself today and yesterday. Especially today. Last night I attended a seminar for nutrition and learned a few things. I have entered a "Biggest Loser" challenge through the trainer I have been taking my boot camp with. I figured I could use all the motivation I can get. Since I'm a competitive person, I need others to know what I am accomplishing and doing.

I'm glad I went. I think it was the kick in the ass I needed. Today I made the best decisions food wise that I could given what we had in the house and got active. For lunch I actually had two hard boiled eggs, roman lettuce, homemade balsamic vinaigrette and strawberries. I didn't think I would be full, but it actually filled me up and kept me satisfied until dinner.

The problem with eating clean and healthy, to me, is that it seems like a lot of work. It is so easy, especially when Brad is on nights, to open up a box of some premade food to feed the kids rather than cook a chicken breast. And not eating sugar or white flour seems next to impossible. So in that respect, when and where I can avoid these types of foods, I will. Otherwise I will watch my portions and give it my all. Combine that with Weight Watchers, I should be golden. Maybe not winning golden, but maybe a nice bright amber.

I have been feeling good this week, which helps. Piper has been cranky as all hell. A tooth broke through tonight so that explains her surliness for the past 4 days. Today I had a fitness high. I made it out for a training run. I love being able to run through the park, there is a beautiful view of the city, it is quiet and everyone you pass smiles and says hello. After my 30 minute training session, I continued on for a walk along the trail. At the end I was able to pause again on the park bench, with a beautiful view of the city and bay, and just meditate. Clear my mind of all thoughts. I didn't care if anyone walked by and saw me sitting there, lotus position, eyes closed, just breathing. Figured, if they did see me, they'd just be jealous anyway. I love being off on maternity leave. There will never be another time in my life that I am able to actually raise my own kids. To watch them grow and enjoy their childhood. It makes me sad thinking that my time with them is half over and this will eventually have to come to an end. I do not want it to end. I am trying to enjoy my time to the fullest. I am sad that I wasted my first 5 months being sad and depressed. I am grateful that I was able to ask my doctor for help and get the help I needed when I did. I couldn't have taken wasting another minute of my time.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Morning

1 large banana(s) 0
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
1 serving(s) Maple Oatmeal Squares 5
Subtotal 8

Midday
1 cup(s) romaine lettuce 0
3 medium strawberries 0
2 Tbsp balsamic vinegar 1
2 medium whole hard-boiled egg(s) 4
1 Tbsp olive oil 4
Subtotal 9

Evening
1 serving(s) Fettuccine Alfredo Sidekick 3
2 slice(s) cooked lean ham 4
1 cup(s) cooked corn kernels 4
1 cup(s) low-fat milk 3
Subtotal 14

Anytime
1 cup(s) black coffee 0
Subtotal 0
Food PointsPlus values total used 31
Food PointsPlus values remaining 0

Exercise
Run - Activity I created 5
Activity PointsPlus values earned 5

K

Everything Zen (inside chaos)

2011-11-08T13:11:00.000-05:00

I want to lose weight more than anything...I think. Really I do. So why do I keep screwing it up? I become frustrated with the slowness of the process and one day of a whoopsie becomes five very quickly. Is it that I am feeling sorry for myself? Possibly. Even though my weight isn't changing, my "dimensions" certainly are. I took a peek a few days ago. I will technically record the inches on November 18th. But I am so far amazed with the results. Not to give anything away, but I believe it has been more than 2" in a month!

Brad is still at the sabotage game. He went to a football game with the guys on Sunday. And of course, he had to pick up some snacks for the trip over to Buffalo. Before he left for his shopping trip the Friday before, he asked if I wanted anything from he Bulk Barn. Of course thoughts of Skor bars and chocolate covered pretzels and peanut butter filled pretzels and chocolate covered espresso beans filled my thoughts, I said no thank you. Even though I said no thank you, he came home with chocolate covered cappuccino bits. After he was back from the game they had stopped at Taco Bell, he didn't eat his apple empanada, gave it to me to eat. Discovered someone had put a bag of chips into his bag and gave that to me (thanks Andy...jerk!). Of COURSE I know I didn't HAVE to eat them. I know that. Worse yet, I didn't really want to. But I did. Out of habit? Thoughts that go through my head when doing it? Not much actually. I think, "well, one won't hurt" "I'll have this now, since I don't know when the next time I"ll get to have chips will be" "Fuck it". Honestly, that last one is the worst. A simple "Fuck it" and I'm scoffing down Halloween candy like there is no tomorrow. For this simple reason, I try not to allow these kinds of things into our home. Yet somehow, junk always finds its way in through my door. Right now, right above me on the computer desk is another one of Brad's gems. A bag full of wine gums. However, I don't like wine gums, and I am able to keep them out of my mouth and away from my thoughts. Too bad potato chips taste like angels dancing on my tongue in an orgy of salty goodness.

I managed to get out for a "run" yesterday. Since I haven't been able to make it out in a couple of weeks, I am starting over at day one. I'm not sure how effective it is since it was a very slow jog. Extremely slow. I think power walkers could have passed me. My knees hurt. Amazing how quickly your body falls out of it and how long and hard it takes just to get it back. I think what I need to do is schedule my runs on the kitchen calendar. Work it out with Brad's schedule and if it is written down, go on the day when scheduled. When I was out actually doing it yesterday, it was nice to be alone with my thoughts. It was a beautiful fall day, I wasn't at work, I was able to spend time with my beautiful children. Hell, after my run was over I sat on a park bench in the lotus position meditating, allowing thoughts of absolutely nothing fill my head. Just the sounds of the wind in the trees and birds chirping. Life should be that calm and zen all the time. Which reminds me...anyone know of any good, yet inexpensive, yoga classes in the area? God, I miss yoga.

Tomorrow I begin a "Biggest Loser" challenge run through the fitness class and instructor I have been going to. I figure I need all the motivation I can muster. Maybe this is the kick in the ass I need. I am an extremely competitive person and hate to lose anything. I do not expect to win, or even finish in the top 10. I do however plan on giving it my best.

K

The Result Blog - And other stuff

2011-11-04T09:19:00.000-04:00

I have been remiss in blogging. Weigh in day was on Wednesday. Much to my disappointment and frustration I gained 0.2 pounds. This means for the ENTIRE month of October I only lost 2.6 pounds. I know I haven't been following the program as good as I should. I go days without journalling my food. I don't know what it is going to take to get me to be totally committed to this. I want this more than anything. Because of that, I get easily frustrated and eat because I'm frustrated.

I've moved my kitchen around to make it harder to get into our fridge. You actually have to move a chair and table to be able to gain access to it, just too much work for a snack. Of course, it is healthier to snack from the fridge than the pantry. Maybe a lock on the pantry would be more effective.

Still have yet to get out to do another round of the Couch to 5K. It isn't like I've just been sitting on my butt doing nothing though. I have been cleaning the house. Yesterday I cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom, cupboards, appliances, walls and floors with warm water and a bucket of soap. House smells better at least. Next to tackle, upstairs.

And on that note, I better log what I ate today. The only one who can make this effort is me.

K