Adventures in Lapinskas Land

January 21

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 23:24:00 +0000

To quote Ice Cube, "Today was a good day."

Today, my oldest and I got up early, left the house, stopped to get (awesome) donuts and coffee and dropped ourselves off at the train station. It was foggy, but not too chilly. We were some of the first people to get to the train station.

As the fog began to clear and the sun to come out, more and more women joined us on the platform waiting for a train. Women wearing pink hats and carrying posters. Men carrying posters. Women wearing "Nasty Women" shirts. We were heading to Chicago to march.

When we got to Chicago, I was amazed at our luck. We had beautiful Chicago weather (60 degrees and sunny!). We got to the rally site and stood and tried to hear the speakers as we watched the crowds swell for over an hour. We found my brother and fiancé, just as the march began.

There were so many of us and we heard that we were no longer heading down Jackson, so we headed down Congress. We cheered with people on the El as they saw us in the streets. We chanted with the people in the buildings who were also waving signs at us. We chanted in the streets for choice over our own bodies, LGBTQ rights, immigrant rights, black lives matter and against Trump.

It was amazing.

I have been feeling anxious and scared since the election. I haven't been sleeping as I wake up almost every night between 1 and 3 am and am so overwhelmed with what is going on in this country and the changes to our way of life that we are being threatened with, that I can't fall back to sleep.

Today, though. Today I saw that we are not alone, I am not alone. I am not the only person terrified that our way of life is threatened. I am not the only person willing to fight for what is morally right. Today, I was part of history.

Today was the best day I've had since the election. Today, I regained my optimism. I overcame my social anxiety and upped my own ante to take my daughter with me. We marched, we held signs, we chanted, we laughed. I've never felt so much solidarity and peace in a large crowd. People helped each other out. A woman's sign broke, and a man jumped right in with duct tape and fixed it. Something was dropped? Three people stopped to pick it up. There was no jostling, angry elbows or words. Just people being kind to one another, people showing what peace, kindness and the human spirit can be.

Today was a good day.

This is the sign that my youngest made, and I carried.

My oldest made this sign and carried it at the march/rally.

Here....

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Mon, 09 Jan 2017 02:26:00 +0000

Wow. I literally posted 3 times in 2016. THREE TIMES!

I'm honestly amazed that I could still log in, and that my blog was still here.

It's 2017 now. It was a bit of a tumultuous 2016. I'm not going to go on about how it sucked or anything because there were good times and bad, plain and simple. 2016 was, and not it is not.

And I wanted to talk about something. As you know, I have been working on my weight loss for some time. I've been a Weight Watcher for a little over 5 years now. I haven't reached my goal yet, which is my own fault.

I read something recently that a man incentivized himself to give him a better reason to hit his weight loss goals. This struck home for me because the only thing that I have to look forward to is continued watching what I eat, exercising, decisions, etc. I mean, it's a different lifestyle and it's really not anything I can imagine too well, let alone, use it to push me toward my goals.

So, I made a list. I made a list of all the things I want, whether they are things, activities, self help, I listed them. I then used that list to turn into an incentive program for my weight loss. To help me work hard to reach my weight loss goal.

The list of what I want is mostly as follows:

I want to travel - to Europe and new places in general.

I want to feel healthy.

I want to volunteer.

I want to stand up for rights.

I want to be involved.

I want to be the best mom possible.

I want to hang out with my husband and have date nights.

I want to be around extended family more.

I want to feel less overwhelmed.

I want to fix up my house.

I want to feel like I am making a difference.

I want to take more pictures - good pictures.

I want to write again (ahem).

I want to feel valued.

I want to hit goal at WW.

I want to feel pretty and strong - confident.

I want to find a therapist.

This is many wants, and I don't have enough goals to use all of these. And really, I don't need to wait until I hit certain goals to volunteer, see family, feel less overwhelmed. Some of these are going to drive out goal lists of their own.

However, I did take some of these and turn them into incentives for myself:

By the end of 2017, I want to weigh between 145 and 150 pounds.

I want to hit 145 pounds so that I can officially say that I have lost 100 pounds.

By July 29, if I weight between 145 and 150, I will reward myself by planning a European (Ireland, Scotland, England) Vacation.

If I lose 1/2 a pound or more per week, I will take $10 and put it aside for myself - for use however and whenever I like.

If I lose 5 pounds a month, I will take my husband on a date night.

If I have lost and can maintain 145 to 150 pounds by the end of the year, I will get another tattoo.

Do you have ways that you incentivize or motivate yourself to accomplishments?

Seventeen Again...

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Fri, 29 Jul 2016 02:37:00 +0000

HOLEEE SHIIT, you guys. You GUYS!! I haven't posted anything...ANYTHING...since January.

JANUARY!!!

Ok, so I knew it had been a long time, but holy crap-oly, I didn't think it had been almost .75 of a year!

Wow.

Just. Wow.

Okay, so, I'm a terrible friend. Even with my blog. Like, I don't call. I don't text. I don't email. And apparently, I don't write either.

Hey! Hey you there! Talk to me!

It's been a bit of an odd year for me. I have been on a weight loss journey for almost 5 years now, but in 2016 have gained about 5-10 lbs that I can't seem to get rid of. I've been a little stressed at work. It's been quite topsy-turvy there, so yeah, there's that. My oldest daughter is almost a teen, like a real, true, omg teen. We're going through shaving and phones and hanging out with friends. At the mall. The little one is growing up too, finding her voice, even through her continuous mouth gear. And Tony has been a bit stressed too. Then there is also the whole election thing and everything else that is going on with this country.

There have been good things, great things too! We went to Seattle and I took the girls to Kansas for Spring Break. Mia is going to be a flower girl. ANNNDD, we built a deck (finally)!

All this to say that I have been feeling a little, uh, different lately? Not different so much as, maybe, reminiscent of another time? I've been feeling like I'm going through my second seventeen. Does that make sense? No?

When I was seventeen was the first time I started to gain some confidence in myself. I started to trust myself. I started driving and gained freedoms. I explored different ways to express myself. And, it was a big election year (when I turned 18) too. I was figuring out who I was, what was important to me, and how to express that.

Super Mario fun

Now, I have more confidence than I think I've even had. I feel more beautiful today than I ever did before. I trust my decisions, and am not apologizing for who I am. I am finding my voice, again. Or retrying it on for size. My kids are getting older and are leaving me alone, so I am finding time do things like read, or watch tv, or play on the computer and catch up on news. I am finding my political voice again. I am finding that I have views, and opinions and beliefs and I am feeling like I can and should express them - at times.

New Tattoo

I am a feminist. To the core. I am thoroughly enjoying how people are turning views on their heads, and making my mind widen. I want to see and understand peoples points of views, but not falter in my own. I'm finding that not only am I able to do that, I can listen to what is being said and really have discussions with them.

I am loving being seventeen again. I feel good about myself and am learning to accept myself.

I can accept myself, but not licks from the dog.

January...

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Sun, 10 Jan 2016 23:45:00 +0000

"The snow glows white on the mountain tonight

Not a footprint to be seen

A kingdom of isolation"

...baby, I am so not the queen.

This morning, I woke up to serious winter in Chicago. The wind was rattling around the house, gusting, trying to infiltrate our warm little home. It was still dark, as the nights are long and the days are short. Getting up to brush my teeth, I had to find the socks that I had shucked off in the night. After socking up my feet, I shuffled to my slippers over my soft carpet. I made my way to the bathroom, where it seems about ten degrees colder. I grabbed my big warm full length red robe, tied it on.

Heading downstairs quietly, in the dark to let the dog out and start the coffee. I turned on one lamp, for soft light in the morning dark. As I settled, slippered, robed, under a blanket on my couch to read in the quiet before the family loudly got up, I thought that the only thing that could make this better would have been a roaring fire to warm up my little nest.

As the sun came up today, I could see that it would be cold. In the winter, here, when the sun shines, it's always colder than when we have clouds. We got an inch or so of snow yesterday, fresh powder to be whipped around by the wind. The houses slept quietly in my neighborhood, steam coming from roof vents as their furnaces kicked on.

The sun gleamed today on the newly fallen snow, showing us the tracks of rabbit visitors in the night to our little garden in the front yard. We had a few more flurries, but a brilliantly sunny (bitterly cold) day today.

This is January in Chicago.

January in Chicago means a number of things. Flannel sheets on your beds, along with those extra blankets. Slippers, socks, robes and blankets litter your living room along with bedrooms and bathrooms. A hot shower has never felt so good in your life. The dog is wearing a sweater, and you are wearing layers of undershirts, long underwear and more, attempting to keep your body heat close to your body. January means salt on your car, shovels at the ready in the garage, preparations for much longer commutes and hopping back in your car while you fill it with gas.

January is full of long cold nights and short cloudy days. Wind chills that drop into double digit negatives and you learn quickly that lake effect snow is something you are happy affects Indiana. January means potholes and black ice. It means ear muffs, gloves and hats. It means being home bound so much more than you ever thought possible. January is the sad time when you see the Christmas lights hanging listlessly from houses, no longer to be turned on, waiting until April when it is safe to remove them from the roof.

There are good things about January in Chicago. When the sun does come out, you have never seen more clear, frigidly beautiful sunrises and sunsets. You get to snuggle with your loved ones, and catch up on the TV you don't watch when it's warm. You find more time to be thankful of your family, and can find more time to share in home bound activities such as baking, coloring, gaming and reading. Watching the beauty of a snow storm while sipping hot coffee or hot cocoa from the inside, knowing you have nowhere to go.

There is beauty in January in Chicago. Sometimes, you just have to look a little harder, or turn your head and let it surprise you.

Working on me...

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Mon, 04 Jan 2016 02:34:00 +0000

I've been working on myself this past year, and there are some things I am continuing to work on.

I am working on losing weight. I am working on the many mental aspects of losing weight. Negativity towards my tracker, jealousy of people that hit their weight loss goals, anger and frustration at the scale, at plateauing. Weight Watchers recently changed their point system. Which caused me to start to tailspin backwards through all of these feelings. So, I gave myself a break. I gave myself a vacation. And you know what? I gained a whopping 1.6 lbs over the holidays. Not 10 or 15 pounds. I'm over the moon! I'm using this positivity to attack the new system and get it working for me.

I'm working on me time. I'm working on taking pictures again. I'm working on not being depressed from January through March this year. I purchased a camera cleaning kit and have tried to use my DSLR camera again (pictures below). My subjects are generally animals since they can't tell me not to take their picture.

Charlie Reflection

This is how JoJo rolls while I work

I'm working on staying positive through these winter months. I have a tendency to get depressed and hang out on my couch. And eat. And gain weight. I heard from someone in medical school that one way to combat this seasonal depression is to turn on all the lights and bombard yourself with brightness. So, I purchased a couple of extra lamps and have been enjoying the light in my house.

Got a Kindle for Christmas. This is my new view

I'm also reading. I've just started Harry Potter again. I read the entire series over the summer, and have just finished all the movies. I'm reading the books again to savor them and to prepare to say goodbye to the characters. I devoured the books so quickly this summer, that I am excited to slowly wade through the series again.

I call this one, "Deep Cat Thoughts"

I'm also trying to blog/write more. This is a consistent goal of mine, and I am trying to learn from the past and to attempt one post a week. As my children are growing up, and I'm less inclined to talk about them, you may start to get my opinions a little more. Or not. We'll see.

OMG! SHE LET ME TAKE HER PICTURE!

In my Weight Watchers group, my leader once said to work on what comes easy to you when you start to spiral or make bad decisions. For me, easy is exercise (hard is watching what I eat). I am attempting to stay active. Running is happening once to twice a week, but walking is happening most other days. I am trying to get 10,000 steps a day (although my Fitbit crapped out on me this week - waiting on a replacement). This is one of the best me times I have, whether indoors or outdoors, I can be alone with my thoughts or catching up on TV I don't get to watch otherwise.

Breakfast smiles

Working on me includes "Me Time", lights, smiles, writing and pictures. What will you be working on this year?

The man say, "Coffee. Good."

Cuddly kid pics

This year...

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Sun, 27 Dec 2015 01:01:00 +0000

It's been a month since I last wrote anything here. I am going to try to write more, if I can this next year. It's been a busy year.

I went to San Francisco for Dreamforce, which was AWESOME! I got to see/do/learn a whole lot. I also got to see the Killers and the Foo Fighters in concert. It was such a great time!

I won an award at work and got to go to Fort Lauderdale to accept said award! In November! We came back to snow in Chicago.

We got new carpet.

We finished making over the playroom to an office - MY office to be exact.

I earned a promotion at work.

My grandfather passed away. I may talk more about this later. We'll see.

We went to Disney.

We got a new kitten, to add to our family.

Charlie's first Christmas. He's not quite sure what is going on.

It's been a banner year, 2015.

So, here's to 2016. To healthy, happy family. To new beginnings, and friendships.

Happy early New Year to you all!

Mia, lost in her new Kindle.

Jojo says "Merry Christmas!"

All tuckered out.

"Oh? Did you want this present?"

Because I can...

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Fri, 27 Nov 2015 15:22:00 +0000

Staying at home has been more stressful than anticipated. Not that my kids are too crazy (although, they are a bit nuts), or that I've set myself up to do too much (I have been doing a lot), but it's the food that stresses me out. Seriously.

I love food. Food is my favorite. But, it makes my jeans tighter. It makes my muffin top fluffier. It comforts me and stresses me out all in one. It makes me question my willpower. It makes me question my determination. It makes me give up on myself.

I have a good routine when I am working. I have a good routine when I am on vacation. But, put me at home for a week, with holidays built around eating, and I lose it. I lose my drive to exercise. I'm tired. I overeat. I can't relax. I beat myself up for all of my choices.

I want to sit, and binge watch NCIS. And also to not feel bad about that decision.

I want to eat only when I'm hungry. I want to make good choices about the food that is in my mouth. But, one bad decision can send me on a spiral of bad decisions.

I have tools to help me with these decisions, good and bad. I am able to stop and track my food. I can exercise while watching NCIS (thank you Netflix and a treadmill). I can move the food to the bottom shelves of the fridge, so I don't eat them first. I can distract myself from eating by losing myself in other tasks. I can write about what is actually stressing me out.

The holidays stress me out. Family. Shopping. Cooking. Working. Activities. Animals. Projects. All that have a non-moveable deadline.

And, the weather has changed. I'm inside more. It's cold outside. It's raining or snowing or cloudy or foggy. The sun is out when it's even colder. I gain weight every year between January and April. For some reason, these are the worst months for me.

I have a tool. I am aware. I can work on this. I can make better decisions. I can stop feeling victimized by food and stress. I can make the decision to not feel bad about the decisions I make. I can sit and enjoy some binge watching and eat a salad or an apple. I can run or walk on the treadmill, or use one of the many exercise videos I have. I can take the dog for a walk - even when it's cold because being outdoors everyday will make me happy.

Today is a new day. I will feel better about myself today. I will move the leftovers from Thanksgiving to the dark bottom shelf of the fridge. I will move the ice cream to the back bottom of the freezer. I will throw away the store bought cookies. I will write down a plan for food today and stick to it. And I will distract myself with cleaning and re-organizing kitchen cabinets. I will find a way to exercise today. And I will go outside in the cold and rain and walk the dog.

Because I am strong. Because I make the decisions that can adjust my destiny. Because I can.

I'm learning...still...

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Tue, 13 Oct 2015 01:49:00 +0000

Wow. That was an unplanned break. So the last time I posted anything was the end of June. I went the whole summer without posting. Geez.

It's been a busy summer and fall (so far). Lots of things going on, and hopefully I'll get to them over the next few weeks. I'm being optimistic and positive here. :)

I've been working on losing weight for four years now. At the lowest point of my weight, I had lost 80 lbs (100 from my highest weight). I currently am about 10 lbs above my lowest, trying to lose again. I have been on a plateau for about 2 years. There are many things to learn about yourself when you are trying to lose weight (about 25-30 lbs left to go), and are not making progress on the scale.

One thing to learn is about frustration and how you deal with that kind of stress. I'm a stress eater, so stressing about my weight causes me to eat. And then? Rinse and repeat. How do I deal with that? So far, I'm still learning how to overcome this. But, I am glad to have identifiedf that I stress eat. I go for that comfort that eating brings me (that delicious, rebellious, shameful comfort). And maybe soon I'll figure out how to identify it as stress eating and deal better with the stress and frustrations without eating my feelings.

I've also learned that life happens. Vacations happen. Things change. The constant is you. I am determined as hell to lose this weight. I'm going to keep trying new things to get me to my weight goals. Even if I gain. Then I can always try something else.

I've learned about that voice in my head. The one that is meaner to me than I would be to anyone else. Except my daughter. Apparently that mean voice wants to hold my daughter to a standard I can't maintain, and apparently she should be good enough, smart enough, strong enough to be perfect - even if I can't.

I've learned to stop that voice when it comes to my weight. I'm learning to accept that physically, it's not all or nothing. Which is the same with everything in life. Accept that it's work. Accept that you can learn. Accept that you can change. And just accept yourself.

Plateaus suck. Use them to your advantage, and try to make lemon bars out of lemons.

My clouded vision....

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Tue, 30 Jun 2015 02:08:00 +0000

In my Weight Watchers meeting, the other day, we were asked to think about making vision boards. Basically, what we envisioned the future to look like, hitting our goals. So, naturally, being against writing down goals, I skipped the next meeting so that I wouldn't have to build a vision board. I probably shouldn't have skipped the meeting, but, I was at a loss.

I'm not sure what I want to happen. I'm not sure I can envision hitting my weight loss goal. I can't foresee what I will look like (really - that much different than today?). I've been thinking about this, and letting it play in my mind. Some of the things that I've come up with are:

1. Less tummy rolls when I sit. I can wear a fitted shirt, but I see the rolls in pictures, in store windows. I feel the uncomfortableness when I sit and have to pull the waist of my jeans up and over my rolls, at least so some of them can be hidden. I see the belly in the jeans when I look down when I'm reading. If I make it to my weight loss goals, will that be gone? Or just smaller?

2. I overeat. A lot. Especially when I'm at home all week, with a small child that is not sleeping at night and is going through Tylenol/Advil withdrawal. When things are happening beyond my control. When the food is just nearby. When I sit on the couch to read. My body says it's full, but my mind sees this as a challenge. How much can we eat? So, if I hit my weight loss goals, does this mean that I will have learned how to stop over eating? Will I stop craving chips? Will I stop thinking about food as much as men think about sex?

3. Then, there are the after effects of eating too much. If I hit my weight loss goal, and I overeat, will I still feel the shame of overeating? Will I ever get over the shame I feel for the way I eat? Or the shame I feel for the way I look? I'm not perfect, why do I feel like I have to look perfect? Why do I look on my daughter with shame, like the way that she looks is a reflection of my poor parenting? Do other mother's feel the same shame? When your kids ask you to eat pretzels, or popcorn, ice cream, doughnuts, do you immediately tell them no? Do you emphasize that these are treats and shouldn't be eaten all the time? Do you let yourself have treats - without shame?

4. I hear people talking about how you won't be happy when your skinny, if you're not happy now. Weight loss won't make you happy. But, will it make me more confident? I've lost 80 lbs, and I feel no more confident now than I did before. If anything, I feel less confident. Maybe because I'm closer to my goal now, so that when I see that I'm not there yet (store windows, mirrors, pictures), it's more of a blow to my self-image than it was before I got to where I am now. Will I just find something else to obsess about? Gray hairs? Wrinkles?

I guess I'm still working through what I would put in my vision board. It looks like I have some questions to answer. Maybe in finding these answers, I can find my vision.

Lapinskas Happenings....

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Mon, 29 Jun 2015 00:50:00 +0000

It's been a busy few months for us. I thought I'd share some pictures, and some stories of what has been going on.

Olivia turned 11!! We attempted to do a cupcake tour the day after her birthday. The day was cold (I'm talking 40's), rainy, and we had to go to Chicago. We made it there, but our tour guide did not. So, we went to one of the bakeries to warm up and figure out what to do. We ended up going to see a movie, and then out to dinner.

Thankfully, we were able to reschedule, and went yesterday. It was a BEAUTIFUL day and our tour guide showed up and we all got totally hopped up on sugar. Then, once the tour was over, we walked to the zoo. We roamed the zoo for awhile, then met up with Derrick to have dinner. Did I mention that Jory was with us for the tour and most of the day? Hanging with both of their uncles is one my girls' favorite things. We spent a whole lot of time walking in the city and came home with cake balls from the first bakery. It was a great day!

Thanks to the tomato and pepper plants that Mia brought home from Girl Scouts, we built a garden! The plants needed a new home out of pots, so we built ourselves a garden today. In addition to the tomatoes and peppers, we've got strawberries, watermelon, cantaloupe, and many hot peppers for Tony.

Mia got her tonsils out (as you may know), and she's been very dependent on her Tylenol and Advil. We are pushing her to not take any more, and are paying with our sleep since she likes to FLIP OUT at night and then no one sleeps (except Mia, during the day). It's awesome. BUT - since we've been able to be together all week, we got some fabulous park pictures.

We also had the last day of school, last day of soccer, some wicked storms and a dance recital.

We also welcomed a new member to the family, Olivia's kitten Charlie (Barley). Olivia picked him out and was her birthday present.

Tonsils....

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Tue, 23 Jun 2015 00:01:00 +0000

Before getting in the car and heading to the hospital. Mia was apparently being attacked by my hair.

Tony and I were in the waiting room. Anxiously, but not anxiously. Tense, but not tense. Waiting to hear when Mia would be out of surgery. I was reading a book, Tony watching a movie on his phone.

The doctor surprised us. It couldn't have been 30 minutes from when we sat down in the waiting room. And the doctor was in front of us. Mia was fine. She did great. Her tonsils were out. Her adenoids were enlarged as well. They were covering 80% of her nose. They had been taken out as well. Did we have any questions?

No. No questions. I had to fight back tears though. I was relieved. The surgery was over and we could go back in and see her in a few minutes. The adenoids and tonsils were out. Which means that my little would be able to breathe, normally, for the first time in her life.

Excited!

I remember when she was first born and I worried about her breathing. Every little sniffle, every place we went, every snore. Every time she stopped breathing. Sleep apnea in a baby is not fun for the mom. I have been worrying about this kids' breathing since she was teeny.

So, yeah, relieved is how I felt.

Rockin' her surgery gown.

I went in to see her as she was coming out from under the anesthetic. She was crying and out of it. I was asked to lay down with her on her bed, and I happily obliged. As she calmed down, she fell asleep. I listened to her breathe. Freely, no snoring, no stopping of breath.

Relief.

Mia took this picture, while we were waiting.

She did so great too. At the hospital, making the nurses smile, asking about what flavor of Popsicles would be available after the surgery. Laughing and waving her arms as she got a 'ride' (when they wheeled the bed down the hallway). She was even excited that I got to 'ride' too, after the surgery.

Afterwards, heading out, with her red popsicle mouth.

She's doing well. She's eating today, much more than she has been eating. She's taking her ibuprofen and acetaminophen when she needs them. But, she's also sleeping. Talking clearer than ever. And breathing.

Cards from her daycare/summer camp.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that....

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Tue, 26 May 2015 01:59:00 +0000

I miss you guys.

Seriously.

I MISS YOU.

I've been overwhelmed lately. So.Much.To.Do.

It's spring time (obviously) and school is winding down and we've had swim lessons, soccer, dance, girl scouts, vacation planning, dentist appointments, doctor appointments, vet appointments, dog grooming, normal errands and we made it to the library.

Sporting the full spaniel 'fro on the way to get clipped.

The library is my Mecca. When I walk into the library, hear the quiet, smell the books, I'm in my favorite place. I love the library. We've been trying to get there at least every 3 weeks so that we can turn in finished books and check out new ones.

So yeah. Not writing so much, but reading a whole lot.

What have we been doing? Well, we found a graveyard. An old poor farm graveyard. Stones with no names, just numbers.

We've been working on the house. The playroom is no longer. It is now in transition to be an office. We've run electricity to the ceiling and put in a light fixture as well as having sanded and filled all the holes. The trim is off. The primer is ready. This summer ya'll. It'll be finished this summer.

In conjunction, we've also been shopping/pricing new floors. We have to replace the carpet in the office and really in the whole house. We've talked about re-carpeting, putting in hardwood, or ceramic tile. We're still getting estimates. But, hopefully, this summer we'll have new carpeting.

My Home Depot Helpers

We've put up screen doors. We've been in our house for 8+ years, and now have a screen door on the garage entrance and ordered a storm/screen door for the front entrance (today!).

We had Kindergarten Mother's Day Tea. Mia and I got to spend some time together, just her and I.

We've been slowly de-cluttering the house and stocking up Goodwill.

Mia is playing soccer, her first season. I think she likes it.

Mia is Orange #6

We've been hanging out, bike riding, eating ice cream, enjoying the weather when we can.

I hope you are having a good spring too!

My life...

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Thu, 05 Mar 2015 00:47:00 +0000

I'm sitting on my couch, looking around at my living room this morning. I see the laundry piles waiting to get cleaned while the spinning sounds of my washing machine are drowning out the Foo Fighters on my iPod. I see a coffee table filled with crayons, markers, two journals, two mini coloring books, a partially colored coloring sheet. There is a coaster sprawled in that mess, along with paperwork from a doctor's visit detailing out surgery directives. There is a tin holding more coloring implements, a plastic sandwich bag, open with random markers of different shapes and sizes. One of the coloring books is open to a picture of a pony, with multi-colored hair and a forgotten crayon laying on top.

On my couch, where the pillows are all askew, there lays a dog purse, upside down with legs in the air, waiting for a little girl to get home and put it on her shoulder, and walk around like a big girl. This purse is next to a throw blanket, balled up in the corner of the couch, waiting for someone else to sit, and cover themselves, warming up from the frozen winter outside while watching a little TV, or reading a book.

The doors to my entertainment center are open, at least one door is, proudly displaying the disarray of video game systems and game controllers, blu-ray player and cable box. Some dvd's lay sadly, waiting for some organized person to pick them up and find the box they belong in and put them away so that they stop gathering dust. I look into the shelves and see the Guitar Hero guitar and wonder how long until we have to give that away too. And really - what are all those cords and wires really for?

Looking at my floor, there are two socks, not matching, but clearly worn and discarded by some child that can't seem to figure out that the living room is not her dirty sock receptacle. Then, some little pink bits catch my eye. What is that? Play doh bits, dried up on my carpet. Right next to the gum that some six year old dropped onto the carpet and now is a permanent fixture. On the stairs, more laundry that needs to get sorted to it's special load so it can get washed. A dog bed, that needs to be cleaned again, even though we just washed it a week ago. And that crazy dog keeps trying to get me to let him out, just so he can go bark at the neighbors dogs behind the fence.

I reach for my coffee, look out the window, enjoying the sunlight and quiet before I have to get up and go again.

Reworking my goals...

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Fri, 13 Feb 2015 02:20:00 +0000

I have had a long time to mull this over, to try different things, like well over a year, I'm talking. More than enough time for some things to get through the thickness that is my skull.

I set myself a goal recently. My goal is to lose 1 lb a week, until I reach my goal. AND. I am determined to reach that goal this year. For the past 2 years or so, I've been maintaining - gaining a little, losing some, gaining it back, losing it, etc.

This has been going on for about 2 years. You can imagine that the non-movement of the (literal) needle on my scale is... frustrating... to say the least.

I have tried different things (eat more, eat less, less carbs, more veggies, more exercise, less exercise, some treats, no treats, blah, blah, blah). These changes have all gotten me to a place that I can maintain. A place that I stress so much less over my weight loss and the scale. And, I am not looking to change that, to start stressing again.

What occurred to me, recently, was that I focus so much on the exercise, on being more active, because that was easy for me. I've always been athletic, and I know that practice and diligence and hard work and a little push and determination will go far when it comes to physical activity.

Now, I need to apply that same diligence, hard work, practice, determination and little pushes to my eating habits.

I give myself too many passes on my eating. I am an emotional, stress, binge, mindless over-eater. I know what I am doing when I over-eat, when I binge, and I still let it happen.

I'm not thinking that I can just stop it. Or somehow exert control over this. If I could control these habits and behaviors, I would never have gotten to over 250 lbs. First, I want to identify the things that I let get out of control. Then, I want to learn how to take myself away from the temptation and refocus my mind on something else; distract the craving.

Some of the habits I can already identify are:

1. Eating off my kids plates. I always think bites don't count. They do count. And I don't need their food anyway.

2. Binging at home. The return of the bottomless pit. I need to find a way to distract from this, to get out of the situation.

3. Eating while reading or watching TV. The problem with this habit is that it would be really nice to distract myself with books or TV (without eating at the same time).

I'm sure more habits will be identified, but I think I have a good start.

C'mon eating habits - we're going to get in shape!

Ahhh, reality...

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Mon, 26 Jan 2015 20:23:00 +0000

I am sitting on my couch, looking out the windows, watching as snow falls silently down again on my backyard. Slowly covering the dusting that was still on the ground, the drifts that had mostly melted, but, ice covered, are not fully gone. The sky is gray, the dog is calmly sleeping on his bed, the washer and dryer working at full speed to clear through the massive amount of laundry, while I watch the clock, anticipating when Olivia will get home from school.

This is my reality today.

Yesterday, I woke up in a Disney Princess themed hotel room. The sun was shining, the air just a bit chill. Warming up already, as the sun began moving higher in the sky. We looked around, we packed, we cleaned up our room. We sat in the sun, glowing, enjoying, knowing we were headed back north. Remembering the week past, the fun roller coaster rides, the food, the characters, the fights, the new people we met, packing onto the buses to get to our next destination.

This was my reality yesterday.

We left Orlando yesterday. Our week of Disney fun, coming to it's inevitable conclusion. We met so many princesses, and all the standard Disney characters, as well as some not so standard. We rode almost every ride - some more than once. We visited all four parks, again, some more than once. We watched parades and fireworks. We became Wilderness Explorers and Sorcerers. We had the best time.

I cannot say enough about how great this vacation was. Everything was taken care of, from Disney picking up our bags and putting them in our room, to a message from Goofy on our voice mail, welcoming us for our first visit. The buses were great, and took us from place to place. We had Magic Bands to allow us into the parks, gather our pictures, and pay for anything we needed or wanted. Our girls were turned into and treated like princesses. It was so very fun!

P.s. If you are thinking about a Disney vacation, I have a great castle coordinator and can give you her name. Just email me.

My intentions...

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Thu, 15 Jan 2015 03:57:00 +0000

The start of a new year brings us a fresh new beginning. We haven't ruined this year yet. We have another chance to be the person we want to be, to change the things that we dislike, whether about ourselves, or our surroundings, or our situations. I've been reading much about finding and holding onto happiness this year, and making positive changes in our lives this year.

I have been writing daily about #selfpositivity2015. This is a way for me to reflect back on my day, and find good in the choices I made, the way I handled a situation, the steps forward I take. It's also a way for me to combat my own very negative mindset. You know that mindset. It harbors that voice that tells you that you should have eaten an apple instead of that brownie. The one that berates you for only running a half mile when you did 3 yesterday. The one that tells you about how bad a mom you are because you just didn't want to be around your kids today.

Yeah. That voice.

I need it to be quieter. I need to hear good about myself. I need to feel good about myself.

One of the ways that I am working on myself is my daily "to do" list. This started as a way for me to get a handle on busy days, and not forget the things that need to get done. This week, it morphed into a tool to help ground me. I had a few minutes to reflect quietly and was not proud of the recent way that I was treating my kids. I didn't really want them near me, and I made sure to try to keep them away. In pushing them away, I got angry, they got angry and hurt, we were all crabby.

This was something I wanted to change. So, I wrote to myself that I wanted to not yell at my kids, to spend quality time truly enjoying them, and learning about them and loving them.

Writing that down helps me to focus my intent. My intent to be a good mother. So, that little notebook that I carry around, is a great 'to do' list keeper. But now, because I need that help, it's going to be a way to reflect on how I want my day to go. Whether focusing on my maternal skills, my wife skills, my Tara skills, or my friend skills. I will be attempting, daily, to make my intentions clearer to myself.

Self Positivity 2015...

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Mon, 05 Jan 2015 00:50:00 +0000

As I sat down to watch yet another episode of "New Girl" on Netflix, on the computer, it occurred to me that I could actually blog instead of just thinking about blogging. Then, I would have time to watch more episodes on Netflix when I was done. So, here I am writing. :)

I was journaling the other night, going over and over the Holidays. What did I do wrong? What did I do right (if anything)? Was I ok with gaining the almost 10 pounds? How was I feeling physically? It occurred to me, that I routinely harass myself about my food choices. I do everything I can in my head to tell myself how much I suck. I berate myself over the littlest decision and constantly focus on the negative.

I started to write about how what I really need is positive reinforcement. I love to be praised, and usually am able to see the good in my work when I am being praised. Plus, it starts to feel less like work and more like something I enjoy doing.

After surprising myself with a journal that noted my need for positivity I started thinking about how I can add positivity into my internal self. Brilliantly (at least I thought so), I had the idea to tweet/FB/instagram a hashtag so that daily I can note the things that I do that make me feel good about myself. The coolest thing about this is that I can look back over the year to see what I was did well. AND, as a bonus, I'm hoping that other people will join in and use this hashtag so that we can all share our positivity for this year.

If you'd like to share anything about yourself that you feel good about, any choices you made, any hugs you gave, anything at all that you did that and know that made you feel good about yourself, please feel free to post it somewhere and use the hashtag #selfpositivity2015.

Here's to a great year, with a whole lot of internal positive reinforcement!

2014 in review and 2015 goals....

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Wed, 31 Dec 2014 14:55:00 +0000

Just like everyone else in the country/world, as 2014 draws to a close and 2015 is literally hours away, I have been reflecting on this past year and trying to figure out what I will do with this next year.

I posted last year what my goals for 2014 would be (2014 Goals). These were my goals:

To run 500 miles this year. I did not hit this very lofty goal. Actually, I got sick in January, stopped running through March and didn't really get started again until May. I actually ran 255.25 miles this year. This year, I will try to hit 300 miles.
Hit my weight loss goal. Nope. Not yet. I am overly determined to hit this goal this year. I've lost 80 pounds. I have 25 to go.
Blog once a week. BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! So, yeah. That didn't happen. I'm still trying to blog more often. This year, the plan is to change my habits and bring my computer to bed nightly. Write as often as possible.
Project 365 (pictures every day). I totally felt like a failure with this. Forgetting to take pictures, taking the same picture every day just to hit the daily picture goal. Ugh. But, when I look back over the year, I'm so happy that I took all those pictures. I'm going to try this again this year and not beat myself up so much.
Create FB page for my blog. I did this. It was too much work. I deleted it.
Hug and kiss my girls every day. Maybe this did not happen every day. I will say that it happened a lot more often than before. My kids seem to be feeling more secure, and I'm more comfortable with them. This was a great goal. I plan to continue making sure that I show my love to my girls every day.
Go back to school and finish my Master's Degree. Hmmm. I still think about this bunches. I will get back there. It just hasn't been the right time yet.

I learned this year that I need to stop kicking my own ass. I yell at myself, berate myself, emotionally stress myself out because I am not perfect, because I didn't hit my weight loss goal or my running goal or take good pictures every day. This crap needs to stop. NOW.

So, this year, my goals, my resolutions will be something I continuously work at. But, if I don't hit these goals, I will revamp my goals and be proud of anything I do accomplish. Here are my 2015 goals:

I want to run 300 miles this year. Last year was the first year I set a goal, and I ran just over 250. This year, I'd like to improve that by 50.
I want to hit my weight loss goal so frickin' bad. I have learned a lot this year, and I will continue to work hard to watch what I eat, make good decisions and take care of myself.
I want to cook the recipes that are on my Pinterest boards. I'd like to try a new recipe once a week.
I want to travel. Period. New places to see and new things to do.

How was your year? How awesome will 2015 be for you?

Christmas Magic...

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Sun, 21 Dec 2014 12:41:00 +0000

I took a vow of radio silence, and I've been upholding this vow. This was mostly because I was being too affected by my news feed. This was a great idea because I was able to figure out what was stressing me out, and how I'd really like to be able to use FB in the future. I'll be back in 2015, but I'll have some cleaning to do of my news feed.

Onto Christmas Magic.

(Visiting Santa when we went to see the town's tree lighting)

I noticed the other day, that when I didn't have Christmas music playing on my car radio, that it really didn't feel like Christmas at all. I don't know if it's the lack of snow, or being 36 and a parent, or that I am really dreading the onset of true winter in the next 2 months (p.s. happy first day of winter!). Whatever it is, I noticed that the magic seemed to be missing - at least for me.

Don't get me wrong, we have decorated the house, and we've gone to see the lights, sent out cards, received cards, etc. It's just....hmmm...another day to do other things.

(Graham cracker crunch with a Tara spin - Almonds instead of walnuts, and added a drizzle of chocolate ganache. The batch did not last through until the next day. YUM )

I don't know. Maybe I'm crazy (more than likely).

Even though I may not be filled with the magic of Christmas just yet, I still am very happy this holiday season. My family and I have been so blessed, and I just want to make sure that I take a minute and express the things I'm thankful for this year.

First and foremost, our health. My family is healthy and happy. The girls are growing and learning new things every day. Tony and I have both lost weight and continue to work on living a healthy life.

(We took the girls to see The Nutcracker. I loved it. Mia loved it. Tony seemed to like it. I think Olivia thought it was ok.)

I am thankful that we've begun to travel. This year we took our kids to Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, New York, Cleveland and Kansas. Not to mention the many trips to explore Chicago. I've always wanted to see new places and I'm so happy we've been able to start traveling, and to share this with our kids.

(My train companion, commuting to Chicago to see the decorated windows at Macy's and the zoo lights at Lincoln Park Zoo)

I'm thankful that Tony and I have good jobs and that we, together, are able to provide for our family.

(Dinner, after Winter Wonderland at Mia's school - Pajamas were the required attire.)

I'm thankful for friends. My life is brighter, views expand, experiences known, with new and old friends.

I'm thankful for my brother. He's been my therapist this year, and a great listener and shoulder for me.

I'm thankful for my husband. He keeps me grounded, makes me laugh. He's awesome.

I'm thankful for my kids. They make me laugh, make me cry, make me yell.

(Olivia's picture of me. Made me laugh)

I'm thankful for all of you that are reading this. I hope that you have a happy and wonderful Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or any holiday that is celebrated. Have a safe and wonderful new year too!

Radio Silence...

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Wed, 03 Dec 2014 03:39:00 +0000

A lot of things have been going on in the world lately. A lot of things that I see on Facebook. Social discussions, the sharing of news, of videos, of opinions, of memes.

I'm overwhelmed.

I'm overwhelmed by seeing pictures everyday of children, kids showing battle wounds, scars, hideous injury after being attacked by dogs. Videos of citizens being beaten by cops, all while already handcuffed, or more than one cop taking on one person. Stories about shootings, and violence happening in schools. Stories of people abusing their animals, and pictures of animals living and dying in horrible conditions. Stories of racism, of unbelievable craziness that blows common sense out of the water. Stories of violence against women, of violence against children, of violence.

These stories hurt me. They hurt my heart. And they make me fear for me, my kids, my family. And. And. These stories make me think.

These stories make me think of truly how lucky I am. I am very blessed. I have an income, and can pay my bills. I have a roof over my head, and can feed my children. I have decent health care, and my family is healthy. I have a loving husband, and two beautiful, intelligent, caring, loving children.

These stories also make me think about what it is like to walk in other people's shoes. These stories have shown me new worlds, new ways of living that I never knew. I feel as if my eyes have been opened by hearing the stories of day to day life of people that are not me. I feel the raw emotion of people that are being treated unjustly, I feel the impotence, the rage. All this emotion, with no where to direct it.

These stories have shown just how far we still have to go in this world to be seen as equals. I feel like people need their eyes opened again, to learn how to walk in another persons shoes. How would you feel if you were walking down the street, and the cops rolled up on you? How would you feel if this was a daily, a weekly, a monthly, a regular occurrence? How would you feel if you did not have confidence in the police to protect you, only that they might not believe what you say, might actually turn on you and treat you not like a victim, but as the perpetrator of a crime? How does it feel to be looked at as a criminal, judged as guilty without proof, based on what you look like on the outside? How does it feel to be bullied, day in and out, by people that 'justly' have power over you? How does it feel to work so hard to make something of yourself, to break stereotypes, to still be harassed because of the color of your skin? I'm not going to tell you I know how this feels. I haven't experienced this, but because of other people's voices, because of other people's words, I'm starting to better understand how people that have experienced this feel.

While I'm thinking about all these situations in the news, while I'm being bombarded on social media by other people's stories, other opinions, spouting about what they think, why this is right, wrong, or other on all sorts of situations and scenarios and they give explanations, excuses, judgements, etc. While all this is happening today, and I'm reading all of this in my news feed, taking it all in, I'm being overwhelmed.

My head can no longer take all of the onslaught of my Facebook account. I feel as if I am bombarded by so much, and I need to find a way I can help, or to figure out what I can do to move the pendulum of change. But, I'm so overwhelmed with it all that my mind is no longer processing. I'm taking it in, and I'm thinking about all of this so much that I can no longer sleep. I feel as if my voice can't be heard. Not because I am not loud, not because I don't have things to say, but mostly because I can't figure out how to say it. How can I express myself in a way that is valuable, that is expressive, that will not alienate?

The reason I tell you all of this is because I'm going to take some time to gather my thoughts. I'm going to take some time to process all the data that is coming through to me. I'm going to let my mind work on these feelings, these situations, and lead me to the way that I can do something to help swing the pendulum of change. To do this, I will be taking my radio silence in the form of a Facebook break. For the month of December, I will only be on Facebook to share any blog posts, or to wish people a happy birthday. I will take the time to enjoy my family and the holidays, to use my Facebook time by catching up on Instagram and Twitter. I will speak to people in person, or on the phone. And hopefully I will write a thing or two.

Do you know what a "lock down drill" is?

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Fri, 07 Nov 2014 00:48:00 +0000

Tonight, after picking up Mia and coming home. I immediately went to my room to change out of my fun heeled boots, and cute blue skirt and black tights. It's just not the kind of outfit you want to be wearing while traipsing around the kitchen, throwing together dinner for your kids.

Mia came upstairs with me, and asked me if she could dress up. It's kinda funny that she came home to dress up and I was putting my sweats on. Anyway, while I was changing, as you moms know, this of course was the perfect time for Mia to come tell me about her day.

She came to show me that she could do a lock down drill. She showed me how you have to sit, and stay quiet. Don't scream, she says. Because there are no windows in the classroom, and the lights will be off. Someone could be in the hallway, and want to get you. So they practice hiding, in the dark, preparing for the scenario that someone comes into the school and is shooting, or some other terrifying act.

....WTF?!?!?!?....

Did you know about this drill? I mean, yeah, I may be behind on the safety precautions our kids are being taught, but...

a lock down drill?

Where my kid is being taught to hide in the dark and not to scream?

This makes me angry. Righteously, indignantly, and terrifyingly ANGRY.

Our CHILDREN are being to sent to schools. Where they may not be safe. We send them to learn, to learn math, and reading, how to socialize and work hard. But. BUT. It has become abundantly clear that we can't keep our kids safe at school.

What are our lawmakers doing about this? All I hear about is how we are de-funding education left and right. How we are not paying our teachers. How we are promoting that anyone can carry a gun - not just to protect their home, but anywhere they go. AND OUR KIDS ARE NOT SAFE AT SCHOOL!!

Is this getting through???? I'm tired of hearing political ads, and how Congress is the worst, least productive Congress ever. I care about that - yes - but more than that, I care that our kids are safe. I felt safe when I was at school. Even during fire drills, and tornado drills. Those were things that you tried to prepare for because you can't stop them. We can stop having our kids be targeted. We can do something about this.

What can we do? Honestly, right now, I don't know. But, I have ideas. And I am going to research what I can do to make this better. I will do everything I can to make sure that my kids feel safe at school and really and truly are safe. Because, our kids should be able to enjoy school, and learn in a safe environment.

My little Elsa, hanging out with me, watching Frozen, feeling secure.

Food Issues....

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Fri, 24 Oct 2014 01:27:00 +0000

i HAVE...caps lock on. Oops.

Second try.

I have food issues. Actually, I have many issues. I hate spiders. They literally make my skin crawl. I don't want to see them inside or outside my house, not on my car, not in my shower or in my FB news feed. Keep those nasty things away!

But, back to my food issues.

I know I have food issues. Food and I get along too well. Especially the kinds of food that are fun to eat, at least for a moment, but that have little to no health value and then make you feel awful for having just scarfed down 4 portions.

Knowing that I have food issues, I decided to make a change. My ultimate wish list goal would be to no longer let food have power over me. I want to be so used to picking the right things, making good choices, that I don't even stress about food. I want to not obsess about chips, and cheese when I am beginning to get hungry. I want to not obsess about food at all.

Do I think I'll get to that place? Well, a girl can hope, right? Right now I'm working on giving myself a little more freedom. Freedom to eat more food, but mostly more of the good food - the food you like to eat, but is really good for you too.

Can I tell you something scary about food issues?

You can pass them on to your kids.

I don't know if it's heredity, or simply that I've done the same things with food that my mom did when I was a kid (no you can't have that, blah, blah).

I eat when I'm alone. This started when I was a kid. It was a way to exert my independence and power. The food was there. I was hungry. No one else was home. I could eat the things that my mom would tell me not to eat. Secretive, shameful, rebellious, guilty eating ensued. And, that's actually a pretty intoxicating brew - ask any girl that always falls for the 'bad guy'. She knows this feeling. She knows how bad-good one little kiss (in my case, that would be of the Hershey variety) can feel. And, it's addictive. This hidden habit constantly makes you feel good in a bad way. And you start to do this every time no one else is home. So much so that as you grow older, and get married, you still eat on the sly. If I'm going to go to that place, I'm doing it while Tony's not home, or the girls are not paying attention to me. This is my food issue, my habit of eating shamefully.

My daughter has started to find some new independence and freedom, as she's gotten older. Now, when she is alone, she's eating. And eating. And eating. And when we call her out on it, she is ashamed. Ashamed that we know her secret. Ashamed that she did eat those 4 candy bars. Even worse now is that feeling of no longer being the perfect child she thought she was, because now we KNOW.

So now my shameful habit has become her shameful habit. This is not an easy habit to break. I told her she should never be ashamed of what she eats. People have to eat. It's ok to indulge. I gave her ideas on what she could try to indulge in. I told her to think about planning a snack for when she got home. This snack could already be prepared when she gets home, even. And, if that apple and cheese stick are not enough, and she still wants candy, then she can have a kiss, or a small candy bar. I really want her to not feel ashamed of this habit. Maybe, if we take that shame out of it, she might have an easier time that I do with overcoming this food issue.

My only hope for my kids was that they would both have my husband's metabolism, or any of my siblings. One got lucky. The other takes after me. So, she's going to have to fight these issues, just like I have. Maybe her struggle will be a little easier? A girl can hope, right?

Stretching my random thoughts...

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Mon, 20 Oct 2014 23:00:00 +0000

You may have noticed the resounding silence around here lately. I've been working, and planning, dealing, and overwhelmed. I've been feeling very stretched lately.

Not the stretched that you feel physically around 36 weeks pregnant, but mentally stretched. Overwhelmed with work, with personal life. We've had literally so much going on, that I began to feel seriously stretched.

Here are some of the thoughts that I've been having lately:

Really? This is my life? The same thing, day after day after day after day. And I have to plan for these days, so that the family moves smoothly? Do I do anything for me? What happened to that girl that wanted to be on-air talent on the radio? The one that just wanted to have fun because fun is what makes the world go round.

Will I ever lose the weight I'm carrying around? Will I ever be able to figure this out? What is driving my food issues? Oh yeah, I definitely have food issues.

I'm deliriously happy to plan our Disney trip!

Do I pull myself away from my family? Is it really that I am protecting my emotions, my security, my heart that ends up hurt? Or am I so sure that everyone will go away from me, leaving me alone, so that I push everyone away or just don't ever let them in?

Seriously - can I just eat whatever I want? Without tracking, and not gain weight? Can I eat with wild abandon? No. It doesn't matter how many miles I run, how good I am with food choices, I will never be able to eat with abandon and will forever fight my head with what I want and what I need.

How is my marriage? Does my husband really know how I feel, sometimes so lost in the life of the wife, the mother, the worker. Does he feel the same way? How can I reconnect with him?

Is my house ever going to be clean? Will I ever get my house decorated the way I want? I have pictures on my floor waiting for frames, plans in my head on how to paint and decorate Olivia's room. We need new mattresses, Olivia needs a new bed, the basement needs to be cleaned and I found ANOTHER junk drawer that needs to be emptied. How do other people deal with all the stuff of life?

I want to start having Sunday dinners. I want to invite friends, family, everyone to come over and enjoy Sunday dinner with us. When can we start doing this. I need to invite people over.

My baby is six years old. She might as well be 18 and headed off for college based on how this makes me feel. I see small babies, and ooh and ahhh, but know that is not in the cards for me again (which is good). But I feel a grief over the passing of this time of my life. Happy and grieving all at the same time.

I need to exercise my mind. Maybe I can avoid the dementia curse if I do a crossword puzzle, or sudoku or other games to keep my mind strong? Wait - what my mind do I even have left after work, kids, activities, etc? I should have started 10 years ago. I should still start now.

How do I deal with my food issues? Where do they stem? How can I interact better with my family? I need a therapist. How do you find a therapist? Do I just Google that?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Does this sound like you? Working through all of these random thoughts and emotions all the while mothering, fathering, wife-ing, husband-ing, working, brother-ing, sister-ing, etc.

I guess this is life right? What is it that they say: "It's only life - we all get through it." Sort of positive and negative at the same time, also, somewhat dark. I don't know about you, but my plan is to make the best of this life and to embrace the craziness. Mostly because I'll be sad when this phase of life is over too.

Month in review....

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Sat, 18 Oct 2014 01:16:00 +0000

After much late posting of my Project 365, I've decided that this is not the best format for me. I don't take pictures every day. And if I do, it's so much of the same thing, day after day after jogging picture after jogging picture. So, I've decided that I will try instead, on Friday nights to post a week in review where I can post my favorite pictures for the week.

For this first iteration, I'm posting pictures from the past month, Mid-September to Mid-October, my life in pics:

Tony and I visited Kansas City on our 12th Anniversary Weekend. I got to share a great Pumpkin Latte (made with Almond Milk) at this little coffee shop near UMKC.

One of the fountains in KC, we saw when we got to take a morning run together.

Our view up the lawns to the Art Museum that we would visit the next day.

The art museum has a sculpture garden in their front lawn. Here's Tony pretending to hold a giant birdie that was in the lawn.

Sculpture of a tree.

Mia had a birthday. The princess turned 6.

After her 6th birthday, Queen Elsa joined me for a trip to the grocery store.

As is tradition in the Midwest, we visited the pumpkin farm, and this is what it feels like to be in a corn maze, alone, with your 10 year old far ahead of you.

The girls enjoying the corn pit. Kinda like a ball pit, but with dried corn.

And...the jumping pillow. We spent most of our time at the jumping pillow.

We've also been going for walks, as a family, with the dog on the forest preserve trails near us. This is Mia and Joe, in sync in the car.

Their conversation looks interesting.

Olivia found a flower for Mia.

Princess Hollywood and her flower.

Random pictures:

This is a girl after my own heart with the Cheese Balls. Can't buy them, mostly because I'd eat the entire bucket.

Rockin' it, gym teacher style.

I'm tired, you're tired, and she was supposed to be putting her clean clothes away, but this is how I found her, asleep on the floor.

Project 365, Week 37...

noreply@blogger.com (Tara) — Thu, 18 Sep 2014 23:30:00 +0000

Oh my god! There are only 15 weeks left in the year! 15-ish! Wow!

Thursday, September 11:

It got chilly. She was on her way outside to play on the swing set, and put this old pullover hoodie on. It barely fits over her giant head and says, "I don't have to be good, I'm cute."

Friday, September 12:

The only picture I took today, after a run. I made good time beating my PR by about 20 seconds. Apparently the cooler weather was good for my run speed.

Saturday, September 13:

Our haul from the library, for me, the hubs and the littlest. Olivia got her own books with her own library card.

Sunday, September 14:

A super busy weekend. I got to bake this applesauce cake, with a lake of caramel glaze. Yumm!

This is just a portrait of my life. The messy table, dog crate in the background, open box of pop tarts on the table, kids open backpack hanging off a chair, pretty flowers right in the middle of the chaos.

He looks absolutely thrilled to have his jacket on, while sharing his dog bed with a blonde almost 6 year old.

My people that came and walked the trail while I ran (and beat my PR again, by about 25 seconds on the Friday speed). Maybe I really just needed a push. Maybe I was just enjoying the beautiful weather and a new trail. Or maybe my app just lies to me.

My oldest playing fall ball, pitching. She's not great, but when they asked who wanted to pitch, she volunteered. I am so proud that she gets out there and tries.

Monday, September 15:

Um. Crazy Eyes.

Tuesday, September 16:

This one really did not want to make more than one trip up the stairs.

Wednesday, September 17:

Ready to go to school today. P.s. the laundry baskets are no longer there.