Jesus' General

Merry Christmas Jose Padilla (by the General's Inner Frenchman)

2014-12-12T20:07:00.000-05:00

He paused as though he expected Furniture to speak. Furniture tried to shrink back into the surface of the bed again, away from the boot, away from the forcibly administered LSD and the PCP, away from the waterboarding and simulated executions, back into the isolation that had destroyed Jose and given birth to Furniture, the isolation Jose had hated but Furniture now craved.
--"A Reading from Orwell's 'Furniture'"

I've thought about Jose Padilla a lot since Pastor General John Ashcroft announced his arrest in May 2002. Originally, he was accused of attempting to build and use a dirty bomb. He was never indicted under that charge. Instead he was charged and convicted of conspiracy to materially aid terrorists, a very broad, catchall-type charge, the kind of charge desperate prosecutors used to get that prestigious terror notch on their swagger stick.

Between his arrest and trial, Padilla was brutally tortured:

In 2002, President Bush declared Padilla an “enemy combatant” and ordered him to be placed in military custody. U.S. officials seized Padilla from a civilian jail in New York and secretly transported him to the Naval Consolidated Brig in Charleston, S.C., where they held him for 43 months without charge. Interrogators subjected Padilla to torture and other egregious forms of abuse, including forcing him into stress positions for hours on end, punching him, depriving him of sleep and threatening him with further torture, “extraordinary rendition” and death.

He was also drugged with powerful hallucinogens and needed medication was denied to him.

By trial time, he was a broken man, suffering from Stockholm syndrome, extreme paranoia, and PTSD. His lawyer, Andrew Patel, described Padilla's mental state:

Mr. Padilla remains unsure if I and the other attorneys working on his case are actually his attorneys or another component of the government’s interrogation scheme...He is especially reluctant to discuss what happened in the brig, fearful that he will be returned there some day...During questioning [by his attorney], he often exhibits facial tics, unusual eye movements and contortions of his body. The contortions are particularly poignant since he is usually manacled and bound by a belly chain when he has meetings with counsel...I was told by members of the brig staff that Mr. Padilla’s temperament was so docile and inactive that his behavior was like that of "a piece of furniture."

Like furniture.

Currently, Padilla is serving time in one of America's harshest and most violent federal prisons, the Florence Supermax in Colorado, a place where guards beat the prisoners and prisoners disembowel each other and decorate their cells with livers and intestines.

His nightmare continues.

I won't argue that Padilla is completely innocent. I don't know. I do suspect that, if anything, his crime was minor, the kind of thing white people do and then brag about on Twitter without consequences.

Regardless of his guilt, it was wrong to torture him. We can't fix that. Nothing we can do can even come close to fixing that. But we can make his time at Florence a little easier by sending money to his commissary account, and at a place as violent as Florence, a little money in a commissary account can be very important.

How to send money to Jose Padilla's prison commissary account.

Go to Western Union's "Send Money to an Inmate" Page
Select "Federal Bureau of Prison" as the facility name, enter amount you want to send, and click "get started"
on next page: click "send online"
Do the registration thing*
Receiver Info: Name: enter "Jose Padilla;" Inmates account# and last name: enter "20796424PADILLA" (just like that--no spaces)
Enter credit card info and finish up.

*I understand registration is a hassle, and I hate it, but it's the easiest way to do it. You can also send a money order by mail. (Inmate Number 20796-424). Or in the worst case (because I don't want to do it) you can send the money to me via paypal button at top and I'll send it on. Let me know in the comments below or on Twitter at @JC_Christian if you do that, but, again, I prefer that you don't.

If you disagree with me for doing this or you think I'm being unAmerican, a communist, all muslimy, a terrorist, etc, go fuck yourself. See, that's why I don't write anymore. I'm just too damned angry.

Fulfillment of "The Santorum Prophecy"

2013-09-02T19:51:00.000-04:00

Righteous Bonobian Christians

2013-08-24T19:48:00.000-04:00

I'm not really sure what swinging is, but I praise Jesus that good, god-fearing men and their not-men are doing it on a new web site called "Christian Swingers." This couple from Salt Lake City sounds like a lot of fun.

They even have this status thingy that lets you to update others about your Jesus-based swinging lifestyle:

The Righteous Rantings of an Unheartlandishly-Hued Patriot

2013-07-31T21:26:00.001-04:00

I paid a visit to the Thinking Housewife expecting to see charges of heresy lodged against the homosexualist-loving usurper Pope who replaced our revered Pöpenfüherer. Instead, I found an unheartlandisly-hued, paragraph-fearing patriot righteously ranting about his own inferiority:

With the black race, regarding important matters that form functioning societies, the issue cannot be reduced to terms such as “less functioning” and “less capable.” Rather, blacks as a group are largely incapable of the markers of normal civilization and healthy societies, as exemplified by the likes of Haiti, Detroit, East St. Louis, south-side Chicago, and much of the African sub-continent (unless one deems wretched villages and slums teeming with bastardy, absentee fathers, polyandry, crime at peerlessly high levels, disease, and ignorance as functioning). In other words, the black race does not seem to fall within a clear behavioral continuum with the rest of humanity, but inhabit its own unique area that has little overlap with those of other races. For instance, does any other place on Earth, during peacetimes, fall to such ruination and seeming hopelessness as black-occupied lands? One might proffer the Muslim world as an example. Indeed, Islam has corrupted Middle Eastern peoples to staggering obscenities, but their problems are mostly religious. The problems of blacks chiefly lie with themselves.

If only he had thrown in a few random caps followed by a series of exclamation marks, we'd have the makings for our first unheartlandishly-hued conservative superstar. Yet, I dare say that even without those required embellishments, Mr. A Reader has a bright future as a minority outreach director for the GOP and Fox News Channel's official "The Problems with Negroes Consultant."

But then again, maybe I've fallen victim to creeping liberalism by praising this patriot. Perhaps the Thinking Housewife's Donald expresses a more proper conservative response:

I doubt that the writer is actually a negro. I am in my 60′s and grew up around colored people, and I have never heard such thoughts and feelings coming from them. No not even once. That kind of deep and critical self-reflection is so very rare among blacks that I suspect hoaxcraft.

Let no one say that post-racial conservatives are afraid to have a dialog on race.

Apologies for disappearing

2013-03-05T21:49:00.002-05:00

I was waiting until I felt up to writing a long, clever post before writing this, but I'm just not there, so this will have to suffice for now.

I apologize for totally disappearing without explanation, You have brought a great deal of joy into my life and I feel like I've treated you badly by not posting or communicating.

I haven't been feeling well. I am in near constant pain throughout my body and am exhausted. My doctors are trying to figure it out, but can't pinpoint the problem, yet.

My job has been demanding as well. By the time I get home, I'm too tired and in too much pain to pay the attention I feel I need to pay to writing. And after over 15 years of being the General--at least ten of which were here on this blog--it's tough to keep the old guy fresh. Too tough when I feel like this.

I'm going to take a break from posting for awhile. I don't know when or if I'll be back, but thank you all for the joy you've given me all these years. It's been wonderful.

Thanks to you who've sent emails. I apologize for not reading them all. I've just been overwhelmed.

Apologies

2013-02-21T20:12:00.001-05:00

Sorry about the lack of posts. My inner Frenchman is trying to assassinate me. I'll be back Monday with details and an announcement.

Obama's Gun Grabbing, UN Tax, Mexican Peoplization, and Depantsing Plot

2013-02-18T00:52:00.000-05:00

The Conservative Majority sent us this here robocall on Friday. It struck something very deep inside of me. The guy who recorded it sounds like that drunk guy at the bar who punches anyone he believes might not be showing enough enthusiasm for the Seahawks.

But it's the message that's important: "serious conservatives who aren't afraid to fight" must impeach the FURRIN' OBAMUNIST USURPER, whose middle name is Hussein, before he:

"Wipes out" the Second Amendment
Releases the terrorist supermen from Gitmo
Allows Mexicans to be treated like real people
Makes us pay taxes to the United Nations
Pulls down our pants and taunts us.

OK, I added that last one, myself, but mark my words. Once he's taken our guns, he's going to have agents of the ACLU pull down our pants so he can make fun of the size of our little soldiers.

Oh, and they also reminded me that Obama probably wasn't even born here.

Traditional Conservative Values and the Catholic Church

2013-02-14T00:20:00.000-05:00

The good conservatives and traditionalist Catholics at View from the Right are very concerned that the next Pope will be off color:. An enthusiastically pale Larry writes:

I hope the cardinals return to the tradition of selecting an Italian as pope. Otherwise this time we may be saddled with a Hispanic, an African, or—God forbid—an American.

Brandon, a man who fervently hopes Edgar Winter will become Pope Albedo I, agrees:

As is typical of the liberal media many headlines are suggesting that the next pope could be black. This is a troubling idea and I hope the cardinals electing the next pope realize it. The liberal media types are suggesting that a Latin or African pope would be good because those are the fastest growing areas for Catholics. The problem I see is the further alienation of Europeans and their descendants...

Of Art and Beauty and Black Militant First Ladies

2013-02-13T01:13:00.001-05:00

Anyone who's ever read Kidist Asrat's blog, Camera Lucida, has witnessed her righteous burning hatred of the anyone who is a) penisless, b)unheartlandishly hued or c) is either a or b and not a bitter Canadian woman of South Asian descent, but it is ugliness that is her most despised enemy.

As an artist, designer, and critic of all things aesthetic, that's not surprising. She demands beauty in all things and will tolerate nothing less. You can see her passion for the art of beauty in the design of her blog:

I'm telling you this, because Miss Asrat is holding a fundraiser to fund something she calls "Reclaiming Beauty." I believe it is an attempt to make the whole world reflect the beauty of her web site design.

Or maybe, she simply wants to fight the battle for beauty by spending more time exposing the the kind of filthy ugliness she most abhors. The name of that vile hideousness is Michele Obama:

Obama's [sic] cleverly uses Michelle's aggression to act like the "good guy." Yet, he is following in his politics the exact same dismantling of white society that Michelle is blatantly advocating. His expression above is a benevolent cringing at the loud vocals probably emitting from Michelle. Yet, she clearly behaves this way because he never tells her to stop. He wants her to behave like this. Their private conversations must be full of raised fists.

[...]

I can actually see her turning ugly. Is that why Obama is so nice to here - kissing her in public, and all those intimate dances during their parties? And he also needs her irrational (black power) anger, since he's not going there in the same way. He's smartly sticking to "politics."

[...]

And there is much there besides a pictorial one (e.g. Obama's underlying aggression, and Michelle as his female Captain).

The Verrotte Schwanzlutscherin Are Lying About Me

2013-02-12T01:04:00.000-05:00

We have a very special guest poster today, the über-fabulous, His Holiness, The Pope. Please be kind in your comments.
--Gen. JC Christian, patriot.

Thank you mein general.

I'm very disappointing by the response to my resignation announcement. My enemies, God's enemies, are suggesting that my stated reasons for leaving were insincere.

They're saying that I must be leaving because of a scandal. They loudly wonder if I'm fleeing because I fear upcoming Vatileak revelations or that I'm being blackmailed about that thing with Monsignor Spompinare, three altar boys, and a he-donkey. It's a filthy lie. It wasn't me. It was a case of mistaken identity. Some verrotte schwanzlutscher, probably a slav, was wearing my mitre. I swear on the Holy Mother that is the truth.

Of course, mein supporters see the truth about these lies, and they know who's behind them:

Supposedly he [Me] was “dogged by scandal” and hurt dialogue with Jews, Protestants, and Muslims (if only!). His alleged petty, mean spirited actions? He quoted a 14th-century Byzantine emperor describing the founder of Islam in a negative (but accurate) manner; he affirmed that the Catholic Church possesses the fullness of Truth, and he sought to reconcile the traditionalist Society of Saint Pius X with Rome (which made leftist Jews, who already hated the Church, mad.)

Ja, Herr Danial is correct. Die Juden have always hated me. They are jealous of my Teutonic fabulousness.

I resigned for the reasons I stated. I'm sick and I'm tired. I'm sick and tired of the Swiss Guard's failure to follow my orders to occupy the Sudetenland and invade Poland. I'm tired of that bitchy queen, Cardinal Lajolo's, snarky remarks about the cut of my Falda and maniple--as if that silly arschgeige knows the difference between Prada and prosciutto. And most of all, I'm tired of all those Hollywood prostituierten upstaging me as they model their dresses on the award show red carpets. The Grammys were the last straw. I'm done.

That's why I'm resigning. I'm leaving to spend more time with my personal secretary, Monsignor Gänswein. We're going to pursue our dream of moving to Argentina and opening up a bed and breakfast for elderly, German expatriates. They'll accept me. They're meine kameraden. We'll sing the Horst Wessel Lied until we're as hoarse as Monsignor Gänswein on penance night.

Heterosexually yours in Christ

Benedict PP. XVI, Pont. Max., Episcopus Ecclesiae Catholicae (Ret.)

Obamunists Take Up Commie Custom of Kissing

2013-02-11T00:08:00.001-05:00

Laura Wood, The Thinking Housewife, watched all that Interior pecking during Obama's Sally Jewell announcement and asked, "When Did Political Figures Start Kissing Each Other?" One of her readers provides an answer:

I’ve also noticed this creepily excessive hugging and kissing among politicians, but Democrats engage in it more frequently than Republicans. Its inconsistency with their speech and sexual harassment codes leads me to believe that it’s another of their self-congratulatory rituals of mutual identification, saying, “See, a dirty conservative can’t kiss and hug except as the prelude to sexual conquest; but we enlightened liberals can touch each other’s bodies in a loving, but non-sexual way.”

...It won’t be long before American politicians will be greeting each other as Khrushchev greeted Yuri Gagarin.

AWOL

2013-02-05T02:37:00.000-05:00

I've been AWOL for a few days. I'm not feeling well. Hopefully I'll be back in a couple of days.

Legislator Proposes Bill To Expose All of the Conspiracies

2013-01-31T00:03:00.000-05:00

Our favorite staff-abusing, gun-toting, Bible-defending, proudly-hetero legislator, Pam Roach introduced a bill will change the world as we know it. The bill, SB 5504, provides:

State employees shall be truthful when providing information of
any kind.

It's critical that we do all we can to help Sen. Roach pass this bill. It will give us the tool we need to finally discover the truth about bigfoot, Mel's Hole, and Dan Savage's devious plot to recruit the Seafair pirates into the homosexualist lifestyle.

Boy Scouts Ruining Cherished Cornholing Tradition

2013-01-30T01:14:00.001-05:00

Family Research Council President Tony Perkins is as angry as a Teabagger-American on Cinco de Mayo about the Boy Scout's decision to rethink the whole treating homosexualists like real people thing. Here's what he had to say:

The Boy Scouts of America board would be making a serious mistake to bow to the strong-arm tactics of LGBT activists and open the organization to homosexuality.

A serious mistake, indeed. BSA's board of directors is tampering with one of scouting's most cherished institutions: the cornhole jamboree. Ask any scout and they'll tell you that the time they spent in tents cornholing were some of the greatest moments of his youth.

It was a great way for young men to experiment with the newly discovered hormones now racing through their bodies and discuss it in a way that is impossible to do with a hand or a donkey.

A scout could go from sleeping bag to sleeping bag all night long without anyone suspecting his commitment to the heterosexual lifestyle, because being hetero was a requirement to get in. Now, BSA is changing that by making the desire to cornhole a suspicious act.

I think I'll remove my star badge from my secret parts hiding place, wipe it off, and burn it right now.

Patriot Responds to Suspicion that Obama Got Hold of His White Woman

2013-01-28T02:13:00.001-05:00

Having an unheartlandishly-hued man serving as our president scares the hell out of good, god-fearing, patriotic Americans, even those with big city names. That's why Kirill Bartashevitch recently got off his couch and bought himself an AK-47.

Unfortunately, it was too late. The Obamunists had already gotten to his daughter, distracting her with their fancy notions while she was supposed to be doing homework. Upon seeing two B's rather than all A's one her report card, Brother Bartashevitch did the only thing any father in his position could do. He pointed his AK at her and said he was going to blow her head clean off.

Marcus Bachmann's Hellish Celibate Nightmare

2013-01-25T00:40:00.001-05:00

Barth's Notes on Religion offers up this tidbit about the sorely missed Bachmann presidential campaign:

Michele Bachmann’s high-profile debate coach, Brett O’Donnell, developed an “unnatural” and “Rasputin-like” relationship with his candidate during her failed 2012 presidential campaign, another former aide told BuzzFeed, a charge O’Donnell denies.
Peter Waldron, an evangelical organizer who served as Iowa field coordinator for Bachmann and helped her win the Ames straw poll said O’Donnell exercised an “unusual power over Mrs. Bachmann.”…
“He prohibited her husband, Dr. Marcus Bachmann, from sleeping in the same room with wife while on the campaign trail.”

Let me repeat that last part in case you missed it: “'He prohibited her husband, Dr. Marcus Bachmann, from sleeping in the same room with wife while on the campaign trail.'”

Can you imagine how hard that was for Dr. Bachmann, one of our nation's foremost warriors for the heterosexual lifestyle? I mean we're talking months of missing intimate contact. How many games of "Turkish Prison," "The Sailor and the Cabin Boy," and "Scenes from 'Deliverance'" went unplayed? More importantly, how many light bulbs did the Bachmanns lose to Obama's bulb grabbers because they were denied an opportunity to hide them in Marcus's "secret place?"

Until now, I didn't understand the depth of Marcus's sacrifice. It only makes me love him more (in a purely heterosexual kind of way, of course).

The Ruler and the Foreskin: A Tale of Parochial School Horror

2013-01-24T01:05:00.002-05:00

Politichick Anne Yenny points out the real problem with teachers, they read studies and use their fancy expertise in education to educate their students:

Are all teachers liberal? Most are, but it’s not their politics that scare me; it’s their wholesale belief in studies and experts (and they consider themselves to be an expert) and their wholesale rejection of common sense and reality. They are convinced that since they are trained “educators”, they should be given free rein in all education-related issues and that as parents we need to support them in every way.

How did Mrs. Anne Yenny come to this epiphany? Catholic school teachers tricked her son into going hungry for Allah:

I didn’t ask him why he didn’t need lunch until he pounced on dinner. “I fasted today for extra credit,” he answered.

Fasting? Extra credit? ...A religion class each year at our Catholic school is mandatory, and in 8th grade a class in comparative religions is taught.

As part of the class, Sam’s teacher offered extra credit to fast on the first day of Ramadan.

Worse yet,the ruler-wielding heretic wouldn't allow young master Yenny to get extra credit for engaging in other, more Judeo-Christian, acts of piety:

I demanded Sam be given extra credit for having been circumcised. She laughed. I didn’t. My chilly silence convinced her I was serious. The disagreement was escalated to the principal. I eventually won the battle (without proof of circumcision being required, much to Sam’s relief) but I have to admit I didn’t change any minds. The principal, who is a good friend (with four kids, I did my share of time in his office) did not and does not understand why I found the offering of extra credit for only an Islamic practice to be offensive.

Time to Bring Back Phallically-Driven Traditional Heartland Values

2013-01-23T00:45:00.000-05:00

There was a time when Americans--I'm talking true Americans of a heartlandish hue and blessed with a flesh rifle and a pair of man grenades--were united by our shared values. Take a look at this photo of Miss Idaho Potato, 1935, and you can see that back then, even the potato industry chipped in to urge us to buy guns and big-ass trucks.

Source: Those oxford comma hating bastards at Lawyers, Guns, and Money.

Calculating Confederate-Americans Conduct Courageous Coup to Capture Capital

2013-01-22T00:45:00.000-05:00

I couldn't provide you with any details about my trip last week because I was a secret mission, a secret mission from God. Yesterday, the work I did on that mission resulted in a great victory for Confederate-Americans.

The Red Guard of the Glorious Christian Conservative Cultural Revolution (GC³R) has experienced a tremendous drop in morale since the election of the Unheartlandishly-Hued Usurper four years ago. Due to heritage, history, and regional marrying practices, that morale crash is most acute in the our dear Confederacy, and particularly dire in its capital, Richmond, VA, on Stonewall Jackson's birthday which is overshadowed by the concurrent communistofascist Martin Luther King holiday.

As commander of the GC³R's Red Guard, I traveled to Richmond last week with with Corporal Cletis and Sheila, our militia morale sheep, and a truckload of Moonpies and pork rinds to see what I could do to lift their spirits.

It wasn't easy, nothing seemed to work. We tried dressing them up in sheets and hoods, confederate uniforms, and even gladiator outfits, but nothing broke their melancholia--not even hiring people to wear black-face and act servile.

Then Cletis (who's a god damned liar and shouldn't be believed--and dammit, I was drunk) came up with a great idea. He noted that the Virginia Senate was evenly divided between the glorious sons of the Confederacy and godless Demoncrats, and that one of those Demoncrats, civil rights veteran Sen. Henry Marsh, would be in DC on Monday to participate in Martin Luther King Day festivities. "With him gone," Cletis explained, "the Confederates will have the votes to control the Senate; they can pass a Confederate-oriented gerrymandering plan, and a resolution to honor the great Stonewall Jackson on his birthday.

And the proud Confederate-Americans of the Virginia Senate Republican Caucus did just that.

Governor Has His Way With Our Lord's Immaculate Corpse

2013-01-21T00:05:00.001-05:00

Judie Brown
Pontifical Academy for Life
Funder, American Life League

Mrs. Brown,

I can't express how angry I am after reading your recent column in Life Site News about Cardinal Timothy Dolan's lenience with Gov. Andrew Cuomo. While I wholeheartedly agree with your assertion that Gov. Cuomo should be excommunicated for his crimes against fetus-Americans, I'm outraged by your demand that Cardinal Dolan should deny the "body of Christ" to the governor.

To be clear, it is not the demand that has upset me, it's the news that princes of the church are pimping out the body of Our Lord and Savior to powerful men. I mean, hey, my God, according to you, Catholic Cardinals are allowing men--even men of a southern European heritage, and we know what they're like--to do what they wish with Our Lord Jesus' body.

And is it the whole body or are you just talking about His sacred foreskin? I know the church possessed the latter until it disappeared in 1983. Or did it disappear? Could it be that the cardinals are giving it to powerful men to play with or, perhaps, even suck upon like some kind of redeeming lozenge?

Or does the Church secretly possess the rest of His body, the part that was separated from the foreskin by some unknown moyel around 1 AD? If so, why doesn't Church exhibit it rather than pimp it off to sick powerful men to be treated like a drunken, yet Teutonicly Apollonian, Msgr. Georg Gaenswein on a Papal vacation?

As a member of a Vatican academy, I hope you'll look into this.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblically appropriate, and non-Christ-violating way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Republican Jesus Wishes You A Happy Gun Appreciation Day

2013-01-19T14:26:00.002-05:00

Fox's "Nigger Inaugural"

2013-01-18T10:22:00.001-05:00

Go easy on Fox 5's Holly Morris. It was the kind of freudian slip any conservative could make:

Sleeping

2013-01-18T00:31:00.002-05:00

I've been on the road fighting atheistic Islamoamishism all week. I just got home and I'm exhausted. I'll be back Monday.

My Amazon Review of Glenn Beck's "Agenda 21"

2013-01-17T00:40:00.000-05:00

Below, is my Amazon Review for Glenn Beck's Agenda 21. I'm late putting it up, so it will take a lot of "most helpful" votes to give it the title of "Most Helpful Positive Review," but with your help (vote here), it's possible.

Fiction, Fact, and the 5.56mm Truth, January 16, 2013
By Gen. JC Christian, patriot

This review is from: Agenda 21 (Kindle Edition)
This is a work of fiction that could, very well, someday be stocked on the current events shelf in the non-fiction section of your favorite bookstore. Or, at least, that's what the "author," and top reviewers would have you believe.

But is that truly the case? Will the Agenda 21 Enforcers use Obama's UN-based laws to force our future Emmelines to pledge allegiance to spotted owls and snail darters?

Anyone who believes in the power and the importance of the Second Amendment knows such a future is impossible. Armed patriots will stop Obama's tanks, the UN's jet fighters, and the reptilian aliens' vipersturmen when they come to take our guns.

Only the deserving few, those who refuse to purchase firearms, will be eaten during the great molting fests, and among them, only Piers Morgan, George Soros, and perhaps the comedian, Carrot Top, will be mounted by the Imperial Szliardisterg before the Great and Terrible Devouring.

We patriots will be armed, safe, and happy in our gated mobile home communities. We'll be playfully punching each other's arms, drinking Night Train, eating Moon Pie Chocolate Flavor - 24 ct. box, and shooting spouses, goldarned random sumbishes, and scary-looking people, while the Obamunists suffer under the lizard's lash.

Jesus Commands Us to Pack Heat

2013-01-16T00:46:00.000-05:00

Christian lawyer Matthew B. Toze--a man who apparently wonders "what the hell a 'met-are-for,' anyway; are it used in baseball?"--did himself a whole passle full of researchin' and found that Jesus, the Prince of Peace, commands us to bear arms:

Jesus commanded his disciples to purchase a sword and encouraged his disciples to have swords. See Luke 22:36-38:

Then He said to them, "But now, he who has a money bag, let him take it, and likewise a knapsack; and he who has no sword, let him sell his garment and buy one. For I say to you that this which is written must still be accomplished in Me: 'And He was numbered with the transgressors.' For the things concerning Me have an end." So they said, "Lord, look, here are two swords." And He said to them, "It is enough."