Jesus' General

Amazon Review: Still Standing by Carrie Prejean

2009-11-11T19:17:00.005-05:00

I've submitted my Amazon review of Carrie Prejean's Still Standing. You will find it here when Amazon gets around to posting it. If you like it, please cast a vote recommending it, so it becomes the "top favorable review."

A Little More Leviticus, Please, November 11, 2009
By Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews
As a paean to love segregation, "Still Standing" serves its purpose. Readers will come away understanding why it is so important to deny basic human rights to their fellow Americans. But it could have been so much more than that. Take a look at the chapter on pornography. Think about how much better it would have been if Miss Prejean had discussed her own video, the one in which she pleasures herself in front of a camera. It would have offered her an opportunity to discuss the Book of Leviticus and God's commandment to use kosher hot dogs. Christian study groups would be scrambling to buy it.

Although the writing in Miss Prejean's book caused me to throw up a little in my mouth, the spirit moves me to give it five stars. I know some might find that a little strange, but a book is more than simply words, sentences, and chapters; it's also cover art, spine glue, and the little blurbs the publisher commands its other authors to write. In sum, all these pieces must come together to make a book. If I love the smell of the book's spine glue, shouldn't I be allowed to reward the publisher with a few extra stars? I certainly think so.

One might also consider the writing to be like Miss Prejean before the Miss California Pageant and the cover art like the silicon implants officials gave her after she won. The original writing is common and fairly unexciting but the cover art makes the book a little more enticing. I like the way she's looking up and to the side. It's the same look she gives in that famous photo of her standing on a beach in the wind, her open shirt flowing back to expose her surgeon's magnificent works of art. That alone is reason enough to put it on your list the next time you go to the library.

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First they came for our boners

2009-11-11T17:59:00.001-05:00

Digby commits heresy:

I have a moral objection to paying for any kind of erectile dysfunction medicine in the new health reform bill and I think men who want to use it should just pay for it out of pocket. After all, I won't ever need such a pill. And anyway, it's no biggie. Just because most of them can get it under their insurance today doesn't mean they shouldn't have it stripped from their coverage in the future because of my moral objections. (I don't think there's even been a Supreme Court ruling making wood a constitutional right. I might be wrong about that.)

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Honoring our Deferment Veterans

2009-11-11T17:43:00.002-05:00

A veteran disrespects someone who chose to fight the Vietcong by getting a deferment so he could give pro-war speeches to Young Republicans.

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A Republican National Committeeman with Spunk Enough To Share

2009-11-11T00:25:00.000-05:00

Joette Lookabaugh
Fremont County (ID) Prosecutor

Dear Mrs. Lookabaugh,

Thank you for retaining GOP National Committeeman Blake Hall as your county civil attorney. You could have taken the easy route, like Bonneville County did, and fired him after he was convicted of throwing used condoms onto his ex-girlfriend's lawn on ten different days.

But you didn't. You understood that his conviction and subsequent resignation from the Republican National Committee was punishment enough. But even more importantly, I suspect you saw his used condom deposits as the heroic acts of love they were.

I can imagine how it all came about. He was in a funk after losing the woman he loved. It wasn't his fault. She just began to hate him more and more as she got to know him better. It's the kind of thing that happens to true American men like him and me. It's the patriot's curse.

My guess is he began devising schemes to get her back, eventually landing on the idea that they might grow close again if they shared the responsibility of caring for another being. Maybe he picked up a dog and waited in his car outside her house to give it to her. Perhaps, he was playing his radio and a Charlie Daniels song came on. As a not-man, you might not be familiar with how a Charlie Daniels song like "Stroker's Theme" affects a man. It gives us a hankering, a mighty hankering, to liberate our seed.

Not wanting to murder defenseless Spermatazoan-Americans, he'd have used a condom to temporarily house the little squirters until he could take them home to his cellar full of Mason jars. He'd put it on and then start yanking furiously in time to Daniel's fiddling until he filled its reservoir tip to the bursting point with his teams of huddled gametes yearning to swim free . Once finished, he'd carefully remove it and place it on the seat next to him as he zipped up his pants.

Of course, the dog would immediately eat it. That's the nature of dogs. They hate America, but they love the taste of our tiniest citizens (or so I'm told--don't believe a god damned word Cletus tells you, and, anyway, what a man does with his own damned peanut butter is his own damned business).

Witnessing that kind of wanton murder is bound to make a man think, and I suspect that's what Blake did. I figure he decided to modify his plan and give his ex his seed rather than some cryptocomunistofascist Spermatazoan-American-eating dog. They could raise the little buggers in Mason jars together, as a couple.

It was a good plan, and one that might have worked had he kept at it for longer than ten days. I don't think there's anything more romantic than when a suitor lovingly lobs his seed onto his true love's lawn. She'd have given in eventually. What woman wouldn't?

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblical, and non-seed-based-wooing kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to Geov Parrish.

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Infiltrating the Separationists

2009-11-10T23:06:00.004-05:00

Photo courtesy of the amazing Dr. Zaius.

As many of you know, I spent the weekend, infiltrating Americans United for the Separation of Church and State, a group so nefarious, they fight against allowing our children the opportunity to praise the Lord by handling serpents and drinking strychnine at school. It was a tough couple of days. The wickedly kind BAC forced us to accept hugs and gifts and the fruit of the vine. And Barry Lynn, tieless and therefore virtually naked, regaled us with tales of church state separation. They worked us over for hours, pelting us with reason and logic, until finally OfJoshua broke and decided to start a local chapter, here in Bugtussel.

An orangutan from the future has more.

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Miss Poppy is back

2009-11-10T09:39:00.002-05:00

Praise Jesus she's returned. We missed her.

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The Family at C Street and Other Adventures

2009-11-10T03:07:00.014-05:00

I'm finally finally home after four days in DCistan. It's 1:09 AM and I have to work in the morning, so I'll put up a few photos, tell a few short tales, and fill you in on the rest when my sanity finally catches its connection at O'Hare.

On Saturday, OfJoshusa and I dragged a hippy chick to a gathering of Teabagger-Americans. As you can see by looking at this photo, there must have been at least 17.3 million very passionate protesters in attendence.

As is often the case, OfJoshua was wearing her peace earrings in an effort to subvert my god-given masculine authority. Fortunately, the nice Christian lady holding the "tar & feather" sign gave her a shove when she spied her ear-treason. (I was also in a scuffle. Police were summoned to arrest your general, but the cop let me go after whispering that the gathering was a "group of assholes.")

Here, Rep. Jean "I'll get you my pretty" Schmidt gives me that "come hither" look as at least two Congressmen behind her achieve climax.

This one always makes me smile.

On Sunday, we payed our respects to The Family's house on C Street.

Dave_in_SA discovered the secret of the Family's porch pumpkin: "Think that means 'when the pumpkins rockin' don't come knockin.'"

Dave may be onto something. Wanting to pray with Sen. Ensign, I pressed the intercom button, but no one answered.

I peeked into one of the side windows and found the urn where they keep Jesus' foreskin.

Here's the back. Looks like there's plenty of room to unload a truckload of goats.

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Monday Prayer

2009-11-09T00:56:00.003-05:00

mjs is guest blogging until the General returns from his Weekend Intensive with that nice man from Seattle. It must be pretty intense indeed because the General's nurse never usually calls on a Sunday, but that is not our concern. Here follows our prayer for the coming week:

Lord, who is God of all that is oilesque
And tar-like, and greasy, and flammable
Dear Lord, may it please you to know
Our wimpy concerns about the environment have abated
Our vision to Vietnamize Afghanistan is proceeding
Our commitment to burn the Black Gold is solid
We burn it in your name, Dear God Man Guy Lord

Oh Yahweh, who doesn't like to be called That
We sing your praises, for You seek our praise
Which is your thing, don't get us wrong, but...
Perhaps you wouldn't kill so many of us if you, well, you know
Took some responsibility...
Forgive us, Lord, for we are made in your likeness
And are therefore full of thine Piss & Vinegar

Forgive us, dear Lord, for just about everything that ticks you off
For the crime of not finding your Cloud Cave
For the crime of not tweaking your Beard
For the crime of not singing popular songs outside your bedroom window
Forgive us, dear Lord
But we don't get around much anymore
Amen-ish

Please excuse our retardification, dear Lord
We know your Math is Supreme
And that which profits our corporations profits Thee
At least that's what we're counting on
For somebody is making money Hand over Proverbial Fist
Surely, Thou dost know this
Truly, You would have done something about this by now
Verily, your silence indicates your interest
For by Your silence You make a Great Noise which none can hear
(pause)
Forgive us our intemperance, but why not just come out and say
Whatever the fuck it is that you want?
Amen

Dear Lord, the Middle Eastern One
The Monotheistic Construct
Not that other one
With all the heads and that massive boner
Just want to be very clear which Lord we're talking to here
Dear Lord
We thank Thee for our cars and our trucks
Our trains and our skateboards
And for sex--without sex Life would suck even harder
Than it does, which is kind of ironic--the sucking part
Well, you get the gist of that

Dear Lord, thank you for our metal and our plastic
Our monofilaments and various and sundry textiles
That take longer to break down than it did for You
To create this vast Amusement Park we call Earth

Just one question: dinosaurs became birds?
Really? WTF dear Lord?

Please give us the strength to get through another week
Of hype and misinformation and managed histrionics
Please embolden us to not just lay down and eat
All of the corporate shit that is routinely fed us
Amen

Dear God:
We hope you don't catch the H1N1 virus
And if you have gonads, please keep them away from a vise
Seriously, we're not joking here
Keep your gonads far, far away from a vise
It would hurt you so much, to have your balls
Crushed in a vise--so much, it is not even funny
Amen

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images taken by mjs near Long Beach, Washington.

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Rule of Law vs. Rulers Above the Law

2009-11-08T07:30:00.002-05:00

_{Image © Austin Cline
Click for full-sized Image
More Propaganda Posters}

The Obama administration doesn't appear to be any more committed the rule of law or justice than the Bush administration was. In some ways they are arguably worse, since the Bush administration didn't make any effort to hide their committment to raw power and authoritarian privilege. Every week seems to bring new examples of the Obama administration ignoring or even underming justice and the rule of law in exchange for expanded, arbitrary power of the executive branch.

This past week has been especially bad, even for the American government, with multiple examples of behavior that we should only characterize oppressive, authoritarian regimes. No government is perfect, of course, but we are seeing a consistent pattern of behavior which cannot be excused as minor missteps. What's more, we are seeing foreign governments living up to the ideals America used to champion while we are left to whine about how upholding principles of justice makes things inconvenient for Americans.

Foreign Courts Speak

It's sadly ironic that American conservatives have been so critical when the Supreme Court has given any attention to rulings in foreign courts in the past, yet right now, those same foreign courts are demonstrating so much more respect to basic law and justice than any American court. Then again, maybe it's not ironic — it's arguably all part of the same attitude, which is that law and justice don't matter while American courts can be relied upon to rule favorably on behalf of unchecked government power.

Most recent was the conviction in an Italian court of both American and Italian intelligence agents — but mostly American agents — of kidnapping Muslim cleric Mustafa Osama Nasr and sending him to Egypt to be tortured. This probably isn't the last we've heard from Italian courts and courts in both Britain and Spain are looking into illegal American actions in the "war on terror." All of these court proceedings are conducted with respect to the rule of law and the requirements of justice.

It's not just the courts, either, that have shown such respect for the rule of law. The Canadian government conducted a full investigation into the kidnapping of Maher Arar, a Canadian citizen who was abducted by the American government while he was in America, then sent to Syria to be tortured. Even though the Canadian government wasn't directly involved in the kidnapping or torture, the investigation was full and honest enough to admit that they made serious mistakes which contributed to the problem. The Canadian government publicly apologized and paid compensation to Arar for the brutal, inhumane treatment he suffered — directly and indirectly — because of the United States of America.

American Courts See No Evil, Hear No Evil

In stark contrast to what's happening abroad, American courts appear to be doing everything possible to avoid having to confront questions of justice, law, and morality. The Second Circuit Court of Appeals has completely dismissed an appeal from Maher Arar, refusing to even consider whether the American government violated his rights. According to the majority, it doesn't matter if the American government behaved illegally and immorally.

The court's "reasoning" is that if they were forced to hear the evidence and conclude that government acted illegally, they'd have to assess damages and this would put the court in the middle of debates about the legitimacy of the "extraordinary rendition" policies. In other words, if courts end up judging the legality of government actions, they will have to judge the legality of government policies and this is unacceptable — government officials have to be allowed for formulate whatever policies they want, regardless of legality or constitutional authority. It's now official policy (precedent) that courts must defer to the executive branch by refusing to scrutinize the actions of the executive branch.

So what's the point of having courts, again?

It's not just "national security" which is used to excuse such degrading and corrupt practices. The Obama administration has argued before the Supreme Court — and they were joined in this by prosecutorial organizations from around the nation — the prosecutors have an absolute immunity against lawsuits even up to and including deliberate framing of defendants. Thus, no one in this country has a right to not be framed by the government. If the prosecutors hide evidence, destroy evidence, and make up evidence, causing you to go to jail for decades, there's nothing you can do about it — they won't be punished and you can't sue for damages.

I guess you should just count yourself lucky that they only send you to be raped and beaten in an American jail, rather than tortured and beaten in a Syrian or Egyptian jail.

Impotent Liberal Media

One sad feature that is common to all these stories is the complete failure of America's media to adequately cover any of it. I have to wonder how many Americans even know about these events at all, much less know enough of the significant details to recognize how much of a threat their own government is becoming. I'm torn, though, about which is the worst and most shameful handing of these incidents: just ignoring them entirely, or covering them in a superficial manner which reinforces the Obama administration's authoritarian narrative.

Ignoring the stories means keeping Americans ignorant of both the actions and goals of their government, and nothing good can come from that. Spinning the stories, though, also keeps Americans ignorat — but in a manner that gives them the impression that it's legitimate for the American government to do things which would never be accepted from any other government in the world. If an American court convicted foreign agents of kidnapping, wouldn't we fight for extradition? If a foreign government sent an American citizen to be tortured by a third government, wouldn't we demand restitution?

Even the most liberal of the so-called "liberal media" have been ignoring both the stories in their particulars and the overarching themes which they reveal about the Obama administration. I haven't seen these stories covered by Rachel Maddow or Keith Olberman, have you? Not even John Stewart or Steven Colbert have touched it, despite how these stories are full of great material for satire. Where the media does say anything, they portray America as the victim, for example the craven Jeffrey Toobin on CNN lamenting how "troubling" it is that Americans intelligence agents convicted of grave crimes in foreign courts might not be able to travel abroad lest they be forced to pay for those crimes.

Yes, it's "troubling" when criminals might be imprisoned for their crimes, but not "troubling" when innocent people are tortured or when innocent people spend decades in prison after being framed for crimes they didn't commit. People expressing such attitudes have completely abandoned any pretense at autonomous, serious moral reasoning. They have instead subsumed questions of morality to the expediency of obedience, finding fulfillment in how well they submit to powerful authority figures be they from the state, the church, or the corporation.

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Department of Book Reports: 1959: The Year Everything Changed

2009-11-06T21:06:00.010-05:00

Fred Kaplan's 1959: The Year Everything Changed (John Wiley and Sons $27.95) chronicles an extraordinary year. On January 1st, Fidel Castro's revolutionaries took power in Cuba. On January 4th Soviet Deputy Premier Anastas Mikoyan visited the United States. Fidel would do the same on April 15th, followed by Khrushchev on September 15th. On April 9th, Lenny Bruce appeared on television. On March 17th, excerpts from William Burrough's Naked Lunch were published in the literary magazine Big Table which were promptly seized by the office of the Postmaster General on the 18th. A busy year for the Postmaster, who was sued by Barney Rosset of the Grove Press for confiscating copies of the newly published and unexpurgated edition of Lady Chatterly's Lover on April 28th. On March 13th, the now largely forgotten Herman Kahn began his lecture tour on how he stopped worrying about the Bomb and learned to love it. On March 2nd, Miles Davis began recording Kind of Blue; John Coltrane would step into the studio on May 4th to record Giant Steps; and on June 25th, the day the Kind of Blue sessions ended, Dave Brubeck began work on Time Out. On July 13th, the documentary from Mike Wallace, The Hate That Hate Produced, on Malcolm X was aired. On July 23rd G.D. Searle sought FDA approval for its birth control pill. On November 11th, John Cassevetes' film, Shadows, opened, followed Truffaut's 400 Blows on November 16th. And on November 19th, Ford ceased production on the Edsel. All these things happened, and more. Kaplan gives the details in a fine narration.

I suppose my only quibble would be that Kaplan completely ignores the Triumph of the Los Angeles Dodgers over the Chicago White Sox in the Fall Classic. There was a young boy at game three, played on Sunday October 4th, just five days shy of his ninth birthday, a game he'll never forget. It was the swan song for the Boys of Summer, and Carl Furillo delivered the game winning hit in the 7th inning. That young boy's future dearly beloved was a rollicking three month old baby. How did that get by Kaplan? In any event, it is a fun book.

On another note, I'd like to point out that today is National Bookstore Day. If you can, please go visit yourfavorite independent bookseller and show them some love.

Jackson Street Books is proud to present Jess Walter at Lacamas Hall.
The Financial Lives of the Poets

“In Jess Walter's best yet, feckless financial reporter Matt Prior has lost his job, is six days away from losing his house, and suspects his wife is courting an affair. Walter's own obvious empathy for the human condition will have you pulling for Prior and his screwy, shady, last-chance scheme for solvency. A laugh-out-loud serio-comic masterpiece!”

—Ranae Burdette, Eagle Harbor Book Company via indiebound.org

Jess Walter is the author of five novels, including The Zero, a finalist for the 2006 National Book Award and Citizen Vince, winner of the 2005 Edgar Allan Poe Award for best novel. He has been a finalist for the L.A. Times Book Prize and the PEN USA Literary Prize in both fiction and nonfiction.

Another 7/11

Cross-posted at Jackson Street Books

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The Opinuary Column

2009-11-06T01:05:00.002-05:00

The Opinion "Freedom isn't free" has died after a brief illness, owing in large part to its inability to pay for badly needed medical treatment. Having spent its early years being invoked to shut up dirty fucking hippies, its later years degraded into increasingly violent confrontations with health insurance companies and their motto "Health Care Isn't Free, It Isn't Even Health Care." With no more Free Time on its hands, it joined the ranks of the approximately 45,000 Americans who die every year because, well, you already know why.

Born during the era of The Vietnam War Isn't Free it was viewed as a comforting remonstration against anyone who ever pussifyingly questioned the rightness of our nation's bloody habit of killing brown people in far away lands. After returning to civilian life it suffered from a variety of ailments, many believed to be a result of traumatic head injuries suffered in bombastic verbal combat. Never exactly sure why Freedom wasn't Free, nor able to say just how much would have been a fair, going-rate price for Freedom, it mostly shook its fist at traffic and listened to Agitated Merakin (AM) Radio.

Having married its childhood sweetheart (Sex Isn't Free) only to discover its mate wanted to keep its night job, it sought a divorce (that wasn't Free) and lived out the rest of its years as a Free Spirit. Not. It fought its addiction to Crystal Meth (Cheaper Than Coke But Still Not Free) and Tobacco (the first carton for soldiers was Free, but after that, not so much) with grit and determination, which it had in buckets (buckets that were Free but had to be returned when it was done with them).

In the weeks before its death, the Opinion was often observed meditating on a litany of uncomfortable realizations: it had discovered that its apartment wasn't Free, its bar tab wasn't Free, its groceries weren't Free and, having failed to appear in court on misdemeanor charges, it suffered the additonal ignominy of facing the fact that indeed, not even its DUI was Free ($250.00 just to post bail!). Its only words to the judge were these: "In the bastardized yet immortal phrasings of Kris Kristofferson: Freedom's just another word for something that isn't free..."

Family of the deceased Opinion are asking that, in lieu of flowers (which aren't free) that each and every one of us do our part to dismantle the Military Industrial Complex until all that's left is a small, fossilized pile of Dick Cheney's draft deferments, which will be placed in a museum where tickets will be sold if you want to get in. War isn't Free, ya' know!

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The Opinuary Column usually appears (for free!) Friday afternoons at Jesus' General--this pre-Friday noon posting is the exception that proves the rule. Heh.

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Oscar the Grouch Sings The Internationale

2009-11-05T00:02:00.002-05:00

How did we lose PBS? The network that once exiled gay-friendly bunnies, fired politically-suspect children's show hosts, and provided endless hours of aircraft carrier war porn on it's science show, Nova, is now allowing muppets to deride the most ideologically correct news network in the world.

Yes, it's come to that. Oscar the Grouch now dates a puppet who openly mocks Fox News. No wonder some of America's finest patriots are soiling their cod pieces. It's treason. Worse yet, it's treason committed by a ball of yarn who cavorts with someone who belongs to Fox's prime demographic: an angry old man who treasures garbage and can't make a move until someone shoves a hand up his ass. If we lose Oscar the Grouch, we lose America. It'll be NY-23 all over again.

A helmet tip to IanDavidB.

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Lowes Gambles That Employees Are Fox Viewers

2009-11-05T00:00:00.000-05:00

I love the smell of chutzpah in the morning. It smells like a moldy Malcolm Forbes.

After hearing that his company paid a $29.5 million settlement for forcing workers to work off the clock, a Lowes employee found this sign hanging in his store's break room. That, my friends, is the kind of righteous arrogance that's made our beloved corporate board rooms the most powerful forces in politics today.

A helmet tip to reader Chris.

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The Real Merakin's Burden

2009-11-04T00:55:00.000-05:00

Darren Rovell
CNBC Sports Business Reporter

Dear Mr. Rovell,

Thanks for pointing out that the winner of the Men's NYC Marathon was only "technically American," but it should have been obvious to most CNBC and Fox viewers, anyway. Just look at his name, "Meb Keflezigi." Real Merakins have names like Patrick Buchanan, Vito Fosella, and Otto Reich. It's even more obvious when you see him. He ain't even caucasian. Everyone knows the back of a Real Merakin's neck turns red in the sun.

But pointing out that he's only "technically American" isn't a solution to the problem of Real Merakins consistently getting their asses whipped in the Men's NYC Marathon.

I'm not sure there's a fix for that actually. It just may be that it's impossible to produce endurance runners whose diets consist of pork rinds, Frito pie, and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Perhaps, we need to set a more achievable goal, or, better yet, create events a Real Merakin could win.

Here are a few ideas:

The Pensacola Premature Ejaculation Sprint.
The Colorado Springs Road Rage 500.
The Brigham Young University Invitational Dry Hump.
The West Texas Lone Gunman Random Person Shoot.
The CNBC Wall Street Knee Drop.
The Heartland Dipolypmics (already established--see enclosed video).

Well, that's enough ideas for now. Let's see what you can do with them.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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Romans 13 and Political Discourse

2009-11-04T00:52:00.005-05:00

Dan makes an important observation about Romans 13: it's only in effect when we have Republican presidents.

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Why do you think they call them "rams?"

2009-11-03T00:34:00.000-05:00

Larry Elsea
Superintendent Southwestern School District

Dear Superintendent Elsea,

You were wrong to fire Dan Delong for allowing his students to read an article about homosexuality in the animal world. It was an English class. He wasn't trying to teach biology, he was teaching the students to think critically, and that article was the perfect tool for doing so. The author's bias as a transsexual is obvious. Certainly the students could see that the behavior she cited as being "the gay" was nothing more than typical heterosexual funplay.

Read this passage about bighorn sheep and I think you'll see what I mean:

Male big horn sheep live in what are often called “homosexual societies.” They bond through genital licking and anal intercourse, which often ends in ejaculation. If a male sheep chooses to not have gay sex, it becomes a social outcast. Ironically, scientists call such straight-laced males “effeminate.”

For crying out loud, we're talking about male bighorn sheep here. They're the warriors of the sheep world. They spend all day ramming each other in violent head-on collisions and all night doing the same from behind. It's about as heterosexually masculine an act as one can perform. Anyone who has ever spent time in a high school locker room or at a Boy Scout camp knows that a little cob licking and bumjugging strengthens the bonds of brotherly comradeship and builds team cohesion. Adding women to the equation just makes it all dainty and foo foo and destroys the team. Heck, just look at the Beatles.

The same is true about the Japanese macaques the author claims are "lesbians." There isn't a high school boy in the country who doesn't enjoy watching Japanese ladies lick each other all over. Certainly, they understand that the same is true for male macaques as well. It isn't lesbian behavior; it's a Saturday night with the parents out and the Cinemax unlocked.

And for heaven's sake, everyone knows that lesbianism is a myth, anyway. Ladies can't have sex with each other; they don't have little soldiers.

Surely, you can see what the teacher was trying to accomplish. The author's claims were far too outlandish to believe. He was simply teaching the students to approach secular reading in a critical fashion. That's a skill they'll need when biology teachers make them read books that challenge biblical truths.

Please reinstate Mr. Delong, immediately.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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Stone the todger waggers

2009-11-02T00:27:00.000-05:00

Bryan Fischer
Host, American Family Assn's "Focal Point"
Executive Director, Idaho Values Alliance

Dear Brother Fischer,

I saw your post about the Twin Falls Girl Scouts having a hard time finding a headquarters because all the available sites are near registered sex offenders. That doesn't surprise me. I've been to Idaho. It's shaped like a man's rifle and grenades. You can't swing an O'Reilly ReamMaster 5000 around without whacking a dozen perverts. And heck, let's face it, inasmuch as Idaho requires public urinators, blow job enthusiasts*, and 19 year-olds who fornicate with 16 year-olds to register along with rapists and child molesters, the state is bound to have an over-abundance of sex offenders.

I feel bad for the Girl Scouts. Thank God you have an idea that could serve as the basis of a good, Christ-based solution to their problem:

We clearly must do something more permanent with sex offenders - either lock them up for life or put them to death if they are guilty of the rape of a child. If either sex offenders or the Girl Scouts have to be inconvenienced, I vote for sex offenders.

I agree. If giving life sentences to pissers, mouth fornicators, and teen lovers will create a more pleasant ambiance at the local Girl Scouts HQ, I say, "Throw away the damned keys."

But is that really enough? Why must we coddle these horrible criminals by giving them free housing and meals for the rest of their lives? Do we really want to live in a world where our tax monies provide life-long shelter for those who would put their little soldiers in others' mouths or give tongue caresses to little sailors in boats? Should our prisons be a safe place for a man to wag his todger in front of more decent criminals?

I think not.

Lets bring back stoning. It'll give communities a a way to achieve closure after they discover a theatrical urinator, gobbler, or a pair of teen sweethearts in their midst. And, what the heck, we could give the Girl Scouts the stone and beard concession.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*Idaho Code §18-8304 lists "crime against nature" as one of the offences that require registration as a sex offender. It provides no definition of "crime against nature" other than a citation for the section dealing with the crime, Idaho Code §18-8304, which provides:

Every person who is guilty of the infamous crime against nature, committed with mankind or with any animal, is punishable by imprisonment in the state prison not less than five years. [emphasis, mine]

Since every other crime (adultery, fornication, etc) is defined in that chapter, one must assume that the Idaho Legislature believed that a "crime against nature" (an act that could be performed with people or animals) was so "infamous," it need not be defined. Obviously, they are talking about oral sin, an act so heinous a president was impeached for it.

A helmet tip to Brother Brayton. Read whar he has to say.

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Warfare vs. Health Care: What Do Americans Value?

2009-11-01T07:30:00.001-05:00

Actions speak louder than words, which means you can tell a lot more about what a person truly values by looking at what they do rather than merely at what they say. We can, though, also learn a lot by looking at a person's contradictions. No one is perfectly consistent, and while some inconsistencies may be due to outright hypocrisy, far more are likely due to blindness — probably a self-defense mechanism to prevent us from truly seeing how our real values may be pulling us in a direction different from what our professed values are.

I think we're seeing this in the contradictions between how people treat America's foreign wars versus how they treat domestic health care. The justifications being offered by conservatives and "moderates" for continuing wars in the Middle East are ignored when it comes to questions about providing domestic health care. So what are the real values which lie behind it all?

Economics of Health Care

The most important and obvious contradiction would have to be attitudes on borrowing and spending. Anyone who treated the critics of health care reform as credible would get the impression that America's economy couldn't possibly handle any extra strain, no matter what sorts of gains might be achieved in systemic efficiency or workers' health and security. Regardless of how moral or reasonable health care reform might be, we can't do it if we can't afford it.

America certainly can't pay for better health care if that might require borrowing more money from China, mortgaging our children's future to foreign bankers and foreign governments. If we did that, we might start to lose control over our own future! Granted, many of our children might not have a future if they don't get adequate health care today, but that's far preferable than falling deeper into debt to the Chinese...

Economics of Warfare

When it comes to putting children's parents into harm's way in foreign wars, though, none of those principles apply. I'm not sure if a single conservative who has objected to health care reform on the basis of economic costs or debt has raised any similar objections to paying for wars in Iraq or Afghanistan. This is especially significant because of the relative costs involved — America's wars in the Middle East don't just cost far more than even pessimistic estimates of health care reform, but they are likely to cost far more than health care reform is feared to cost over the long term.

What this tells us about these conservatives' real values is that they can't just be mere economics. There must be something about making war against foreigners which overrides the extreme costs but which isn't present when it comes to the lower costs of addressing the health needs of Americans. It's difficult, though, for defenders to point to any immediate or direct benefits from waging wars in the Middle East, whereas the direct and immediate benefits of providing basic health care services to Americans are obvious.

Economics of Security

Even if we assume for the sake of argument that wars in the Middle East enhance American security, this only means that reduces the likelihood of Americans dying due to a preventable terrorist attack. Providing more health care to Americans, though, would do the same thing: reduce Americans' likelihood of dying due to preventable illness or injury. So if the goal really is to save American lives, then health care is clearly a legitimate method.

It is reliably estimated that nearly 45,000 Americans die every year because of problems with health insurance coverage. Even if that's high, though, we could safely assume that many thousands, and probably tens of thousands, of Americans could be saved or at least helped to live a bit longer with proper medical care — that's far more every year than have been killed in terrorist attacks against America.

America launched two wars in the Middle East in the wake of a single terrorist attack that killed far fewer Americans than likely die in a couple of months due to inadequate health care, and we haven't even touched on the improvements to basic quality of life as well as overall feelings of personal and familial security that could be achieved through guaranteed health care.

So it's implausible that a willingness to spend more money and go further into debt to pay for foreign wars than would be necessary to pay for domestic health care is largely dependent upon concerns with American security or safety. Those are at best rationalizations, and they aren't even very good rationalizations considering how quickly and easily it is to reveal the lies upon which they are founded.

Economics of Class Warfare

The people who are sagely advising that America can't afford to provide basic health care to most Americans, and especially to the poorest Americans, all have the best possible health care and health insurance available — and often, it's health care provided by public funds. The people who are advising that America must keep borrowing and spending to continue waging wars in the Middle East do not themselves have to worry about ever going abroad to be put in harm's way, nor are they likely to have children and other close relatives who are asked to risk their lives in this way.

I don't think that it's a coincidence that these two groups are almost identical. People who enjoy the best health care available and who don't have to risk their lives in foreign wars have declared it a "luxury" for others to enjoy even basic health care. It's not a "necessity" that large numbers of Americans be protected from preventable deaths due to illness or injury, but it is a necessity that an uncertain but certainly smaller number of Americans be protected from unknown, dubious threats. Both positions weight the cost and suffering towards the poorest Americans while the richest Americans can sit back, enjoy what they have, and be entertained by the others' war exploits.

At least the Roman coliseum was open to everyone, and even the emperors recognized the value of ensuring everyone had bread.

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Teabagger-Celebrity Scott "Chachi" Baio Denounces Sarah Palin

2009-10-31T17:40:00.004-04:00

Scott Baio is the first teabagger-celebrity to comment on Sarah Palin's use of the phrase "the retarded baby" to describe her developmentally disabled son, Trig.

I asked him about it on twitter (it was a test to see if he followed the one true teabag):

He responds via DM.

I have to call his patriotism into question. Sure, he risked imprisonment in an H1N1 internment camp for calling Obama a "shitfuck," but now he's criticizing God's handmaiden simply because she makes fun of her child's disability. That's wrong; that's not teabaggy.

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Department of Book Reports: Boilerplate: History's Mechanical Marvel

2009-10-31T14:10:00.005-04:00

Paul Guinan and Anina Bennett discuss their graphic Steampunk robot history: Boilerplate, History's Mechanical Marvel and their career in Graphic Novels. Join us for a Steampunk night with this talented team of artists at Jackson Street Books' Lacamas Hall.
Boilerplate was created in 1893 by Professor Archibald Campion, a robot soldier designed to "prevent the death of men in the conflicts of nations". Throughout his career he met historical figures such as Teddy Roosevelt, Lawrence of Arabia, Mark Twain and Nikola Tesla. This coffee table book chronicles his story with photos, maps, paintings, posters, cartoons and stereoscope plates.

Boilerplate is available at Jackson Street Books and your local independent booksellers

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The Opinuary Column

2009-10-30T15:01:00.000-04:00

The Opinion regarding Halloween which states "During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches" has died.

The Opinion, born in the fevered pumpkin head of Spooky America, has died this time of year many, many times before, yet it is still carried in the hearts and minds of some of the most addled, frightened and morbidly stupid people this planet has ever known. The true face of evil has no face: it denies you medical care and then blames its shareholders. It tells you what to think, which it does by telling you not to think. The greatest demon in the world today is ignorance, and its reign is secure, its throne unassailable, its primacy unmatched.

In lieu of some vaguely Satanic gift like flowers, the family of the late Opinion ask that you give candy to strangers one night a year, that you answer your door that night with a smile and a "Boo!" and that you live your life as if it was just as much fun as you can imagine it to be. Happy Halloween!

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The Opinuary Column appears Friday afternoons at Jesus' General.

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Blasphemy

2009-10-30T14:09:00.001-04:00

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OB/GYN Assassin's Fundraiser Responds to My Email

2009-10-30T01:16:00.008-04:00

Godly coerced childbirth advocate Dave Leach responds to my email about his failed effort to raise money for Dr. Tiller's assassin, Scott Roeder:

Message-ID: <04195282c48c4c9884301d1f5538204a@trustjesus>
From: "Uncle-Ed"
To: "Gen. JC Christian, patriot"
Subject: Re: the auction

Unfortunately, the cookbook contains dull, bland, politically unimaginative ways to prepare FOOD.

However, several years ago there was a video we made of several of us with paper sacks over our heads discussing exactly the kind of information you seek, in anticipation of the day when abortion will once again be illegal and Bort Hunts will be legal. We will be sure to run that video by the eBay Politically Correct Department.

Dave

Here's my reply.

Dave Leach
Coerced Childbirth Enforcer

Dear Mr. Leach,

Hmmm, "bort hunts?" Are you sure that's the most efficient way to go after OB/GYNs? Think about it. You can only shoot so many doctors. But if you teach Fetus-Americans to defend themselves, there's no limit to the number of OB/GYNs they could take out.

Training them won't be easy. I know that from experience. I spent years developing tiny handguns for Fetus-Americans. Unfortunately, they have such bad hand/eye coordination and shoot/no shoot judgment, there is no way I could turn them loose in the womb with a loaded gun.

But perhaps a weapon isn't the answer. Ninja training might be enough. I'm working on a video system that can show martial arts movies inside the uterus. Put the little Fetus-Americans in a ninja outfit and show them "Enter the Dragon" a couple of times and they'll be ready for battle.

Can you imagine the fear that would be generated in the medical community if a ninja-cloaked fetus leapt out of a uterus, drove his stumpy little proto-hand into the doctor's ribcage, pulled out the his heart, and showed it to him before he keeled over? It'd be just like the movies.

Or maybe we should just give them pointed sticks. What do you think?

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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Barack Obama: Cheap Bastard

2009-10-29T00:28:00.001-04:00

The Washington Times, the only messiah-owned newspaper with the courage to hire a pro-slavery editor, reports that Barack "Erik Gruber" Obama is one cheap bastard:

During his first nine months in office, President Obama has quietly rewarded scores of top Democratic donors with VIP access to the White House, private briefings with administration advisers and invitations to important speeches and town-hall meetings.

Invitations to important speeches and town-hall meetings? What a piker. My president, George Walker Bush, gave big donors a more memorable experience. He put them on nuclear submarines and sent them out to sink Japanese fishing boats. By God, if you were like Helen Culver and contributed a load of money to W, you got to play Red October for a day. That's a hell of a lot better use of time than spending 45 minutes listening to Obama talk about health care or some such shit.

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Joe Lieberman Guest Blogs at Jesus' General

2009-10-28T00:20:00.003-04:00

I have a very special guest blogger today. Please welcome Sen. Joe Lieberman.
--Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Thanks General. I appreciate this opportunity to get better acquainted with your readers. Since this is my first attempt at blogging, I'm going to forgo discussing politics or issues and get a little personal, instead. Think of it as your "getting to know Joe" post. We'll have plenty of time to talk about politics later as I lead the Lieberman for America and Republican parties to a great bipartisan victory in 2012.

I like to think of myself as being a family man. My wife, kids, and grandchildren are the center of my life. Well, most of them anyway. I secretly hate my grandson, Benjamin.

It started at a Shabbat dinner a couple of years ago when he was 8. I love our Shabbat dinners. Hadassah makes the most incredible brisket. It's so tender on the inside, it almost melts in your mouth. But its deep brown exterior is nothing less than a masterwork of the culinary arts--brittle strings of well-cooked muscle protecting the tender heart of the brisket like a shell. There are few things I love more than the crunching I feel as I bite down on it. It's why I always eat the end pieces.

But that night, while I was busy teasing our little dog with a treat he'd never win, little Benjamin reached out and took my prized end pieces from the brisket plate. It was the greatest betrayal I've ever experienced; greater even than my rejection by the Democrats in 2000, and again, in 2006.

As I sat there watching the little bastard maul my beloved ends with his grubby little fingers, I made a vow to myself that Benjamin's vicious assault against my authority would not go unpunished.

Two months later, I invited Benjamin to have a Zayde day with me at the office. He was very excited. All my grandkids love coming down to the office. It's a big treat for them to spend time with an important man like their Zayde.

I took him back into my private office and locked the door. Then I placed a silver bowl on my desk. It was a gift from the Stamford Democratic Club. I stopped displaying it after their treachery in 2006, and only bring it out now and then to urinate in it. It always makes me laugh when I do that. But that day, it'd serve a different purpose.

After telling little Benjamin that we were going to do something very special, I asked him to put a few wood chips into the bowl. I then dowsed the pile with lighter fluid and lit it with a match. That delighted Benjamin. His little cheeks were pink with excitement. He'd never seen an open fire inside a building before.

Then, I sat down a removed my left show and sock, removed the shoe lace, tied it tightly around my pinky toe, and commanded Benjamin to watch closely, as I amputated it with the bayonet given to me by the Conservatives For Life.

Benjamin screamed and threw up.

Smiling now, I pieced my severed toe with the bayonet and lifted it over the fire to roast. After turning it over the flames for a few minutes, I ordered Benjamin to watch as I voraciously stripped the skin and flesh from the bone with my teeth and gulped it down.

I then turned to look into Benjamin's horrified eyes, and after spitting out my exquisitely manicured toenail, screamed, "See what happens when you take Zayde's brisket ends you greedy little fucking bastard!"

I felt a lot better after that. And even better, 10 months later, when I repeated it again! Revenge is good for the soul.

Elsewhere: Joe's the one.

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