All about SEX

Orgasm as coming

2012-08-26T12:14:00.000-07:00

Relaxation orgasms.

Dodson describes this type of orgasm as coming not from a build up of tension, but from deep relaxation during sexual stimulation, where you continue to release tension and relax your muscles and eventually the orgasm sneaks up on you. As opposed to the "peak orgasm" Dodson cites Shree Rajneesh, a Tantric sex master and author of Tantra, Spirituality and Sex, who refers to these kinds of orgasms as "valley orgasms."

Combination or blended orgasms.

Ideally orgasm is a fluid process (no pun intended) and if sex play lasts long enough you’ll get to enjoy more than one experience during orgasm, which can be called a combination orgasm. For Dodson, who has been teaching women to orgasm for over 40 years, combination orgasms involve a specific set of actions, including: "clitoral stimulation, vaginal stimulation, PC muscle contractions, pelvic thrusting, and breathing out loud." One could broaden this definition to include orgasms that offer a variety of experiences and opportunity for you to pay attention to the different waves of orgasmic feelings.

Multiple orgasms.

While female multiple orgasms are more often talked about, both men and women are capable of having multiple orgasms. Dodson distinguishes between multiple orgasms and the "aftershocks of pleasure" that follow a big orgasm, which some people might call orgasms, and which allows them to count 20 or 30 orgasms a night. One of the pitfalls of multiple orgasms is the trap of waiting for them and having anxiety about whether or not you’ll have them. Do either of these things and your attention will be taken away from the pleasure you’re feeling, which is a waste of an orgasm whatever number it comes in.

Peak orgasms

2012-08-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

Pressure orgasms.

Dodson ties these to early childhood experiences rocking back and forth or masturbating by squeezing your legs together. This orgasm comes from indirect stimulation, no rubbing, but instead applying pressure (by leaning heavily against or on something). As children we may engage in this kind of self soothing and sex stimulating behavior even if it doesn’t result in an orgasm the way we think of them as adults. A study published in the journal Pediatrics in 2005 took note of this very common form of self stimulation, particularly in young girls. Some adults may bring this behavior into their sex lives and have orgasms from it.

Tension orgasms.

This is the orgasm that comes from direct and intense stimulation usually while you are holding your body and muscles tight and tense, and holding your breath. Dodson considers tension orgasms the most common, favored because they are quick and dirty. She also calls them "peak orgasms" as they offer an intense build up followed by a sudden release. Tension orgasms could be our default because of early sexual experiences, which are often secretive and quick. It’s often been suggested that for men, premature ejaculation is a result of learning early on how to get aroused and orgasm quickly. For women too, early experiences can influence later ones, and Dodson encourages people to try to experience more orgasms beyond these, even if they do do the trick.

Are There Only Two Kinds of Orgasm?

2012-08-22T12:07:00.000-07:00

It's near impossible to get researchers and scientists to agree on a basic definition of orgasm. So if you're looking for a simple answer about how many different kinds of orgasms there are, you have two choices. You can read any of the thousands of self-help books that give you simple answers, which are essentially fairy tales, about the 2, 9, or 101 kinds of orgasms you can have. Or you can deal with the messy truth, which is that an orgasm is something that defies simple explanation.

Of all the ways that people categorize orgasm, my least favorite is the fad orgasm. These are the orgasms created for marketing purposes to sell a book, DVD, or sex toy, which may be true for the one 'sexpert' who is telling you about them, but may not ring true for you or anyone else.

Rather than thinking of orgasms like products you can buy in a store, marked economy, medium, or deluxe, I prefer to think of orgasms like snowflakes; no two are alike, they’re free, they melt in your mouth, and not even the weather forecast can predict when they’ll come.

Having said that, if you're not having orgasms or don't know if you are having orgasms, or if you're eager to learn more, it can help to get a sense of how others are breaking it down. Here are some ways people have distinguished types of orgasms.

Clitoral versus Vaginal Orgasms

This distinction was popularized by Sigmund Freud, who linked orgasm to our psychological development. A clitoral orgasm is brought about by clitoral stimulation and a vaginal one through vaginal penetration. Freud argued that clitoral orgasms were characteristic of the young and immature, and vaginal orgasms represented the healthy female sexual response. As such, a woman who could only have orgasms from clitoral stimulation was stuck in her development. This theory has been largely discounted, although there are still a few curious (and not surprisingly male) researchers desperately clinging to the idea. An additional problem with this distinction is that it doesn’t describe how the orgasms feel or what their detailed physiological or psychological effects are, it focuses on the method of achieving orgasm only.

Betty Dodson's Taxonomy of Orgasm
In sharp contrast to the psychoanalytic understanding of orgasm, author, sex activist and educator Betty Dodson has described at least nine different kinds of orgasms based on her own experience and her experience working with people for over forty years on having orgasms (often in the room with them while they're having them).

Dodson’s descriptions of orgasm which she outlines in her excellent book Orgasms for Two are still guided by her own biases, which favors genital stimulation, and while she discounts the experience of some women, these descriptions offer a great starting point to discuss the multitude of ways people can experience orgasm. In contrast to medical and in particular Freudian descriptions of orgasm, Dodson focuses on the experience of orgasm, what it feels like, and not just the mechanics of what makes it happen. Below is a summary of some of her orgasm types, with some of my own comments.

Experience orgasm

2012-08-20T12:04:00.000-07:00

Different Types of Orgasms

When it comes to orgasms, one size definitely does not fit all. And while you should avoid trying to compare your experience to someone else’s, it can be helpful in creating your own sexual definitions to hear how others, particularly those who spend their lives thinking about sex, have chosen to distinguish different types of orgasms.

Improving Your Orgasm Experience.

It’s a happy fact that the more orgasms you have the more orgasms you’re likely to have in the future. So whether you’re looking for immediate gratification or long-term payoff, learning more about your orgasmic potential will likely bring satisfaction on several levels.

Fake Orgasms

Fake orgasms are the topic of countless whispering conversations and questions: How often do people fake orgasms? Are women the only ones who fake it? How can I tell if someone is faking it? And what if I’m faking it and want to come clean?

Orgasmic Disorders

Given the lack of sexual knowledge we're raised with, the amount of anxiety our culture has around sex, and how little science knows about sexual response, it’s not surprising that orgasms don’t always come naturally. Both men and women can experience orgasmic disorders, which may be temporary or lifelong, general or situation specific.

Is orgasm the physical rush and release?

2012-08-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

Orgasms are thought of as the final destination of every sexual encounter. Ironically, the pressure we put on ourselves to have orgasms can seriously get in the way of us having them. If we spent less time worrying about orgasms and more time learning about them (that’s hands on and hands off learning) chances are we’d all be closer to having the kind of sexual pleasure, including orgasms, that most of us crave.

What Is an Orgasm?

Is orgasm the physical rush and release? Is orgasm a psychological feeling of abandonment? Is it the spiritual transcendence the French refer to as “the little death”? Before you start to worry too much about having the right orgasms, enough orgasms, and better orgasms, take a few minutes to consider how you define orgasm for yourself, and how researchers define orgasm for all of us.

Explaining or listening to each other

2012-08-18T11:57:00.000-07:00

Improving Sexual Communication

Many of us have difficulty talking openly and honestly with our partner about sex. And while the spotlight is usually on the person doing the talking, being on the receiving end of a sex talk can also be anxiety provoking. One result of all this sex talk discomfort is that when we do finally get around to talking, we aren’t that clear about explaining or listening to each other. Consider it a huge game of broken telephone -- only it’s not a game, and the quality and health of your sex life depends on it.

This week's sex tip is about fixing the broken telephone you've been using when it comes to your sex life. As a first step, consider these three statements that are true of all types of communication, including sex talk:
What you want to say may be very different from what you actually say.
What you actually say may be very different from what your partner thinks you said.
Both you and your partner hear things through your own personal and complicated filters, and this influences what you hear probably as much as what the other person is actually saying.

Let's see how this works in real life:

You might want to say: ”I don’t think we’re having enough sex.”

But what you actually say is something less direct, like this: “Why don’t we have more sex?” or ”I wish you weren’t so turned off by having sex with me.”

Your partner may interpret that as you saying: “There’s something wrong with you because you don’t want to have sex when I do.” or ”I want to have sex with other people.”

With all this confusion, where do you even start? Not surprisingly, you need to begin at the beginning. Make sure that what you say comes out clearly and that what your partner hears matches closely, if not exactly, with what you intended to convey. It's a process called reflecting.

All you do is agree to let each person talk without being interrupted. Once one person is done, the other person repeats back what they heard, as accurately as possible. This isn't an easy thing to do. It can feel silly and awkward, and it takes some back and forth before you both agree that what was heard is the same as what was said. Once you've reached an agreement, switch roles. The other person now gets to talk about how they are feeling, and the first person does the reflecting.

You can either set time aside to try this with your partner. Or, the next time you're having what feels like an important conversation, stop and give this a try.

At first, reflecting back what your partner just said before you respond can seem painfully slow, especially when all you really want to do is defend yourself and move on. But as you practice, you'll both get better. Plus, it can be a good thing to be forced to slow down in a conversation. In the end, you both benefit when you both get heard and feel as if you've been given the opportunity to say what you feel.

The next step is getting better at saying what you mean. But that's for another week.

The idea is to put sex on the rotation

2012-08-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

Getting Over the Hump of Talking About Sex

At the beginning of most sexual relationships the sex part is so new and exciting, that not much talk is required. This seems reasonable, but it isn’t really sustainable. If you find yourself in a long term committed relationship, eventually something is going to happen sexually that you aren’t happy with. Maybe it’s not enough sex, or too much of one kind of sex, or you just want the sexual relationship to go in a different direction. All these things require you to start talking with your partner.

Because we don’t always talk about sex openly with our partners, thoughts and feelings can build up and knowing where to start, or what to say, can feel like too much. If the relationship is loving, and you feel mostly satisfied, you may decide just to ignore the sex part.

This sex tip offers a way to begin opening up about your sexual feelings, thoughts, dreams, etc…

Pick one week where you and your partner commit to doing two things:
Don’t have sex that week. Intimacy is okay, touching, hugging, kissing, but whatever kind of sex you regularly have, take a week off.
Everyday have a five minute conversation about sex. It doesn’t have to be heavy, or deeply confessional, it doesn’t even have to be about you, but you commit to talking about sex for five minutes in private every day.

The idea is to put sex on the rotation in your regular conversations. We’re so used to talking about every other aspect of our relationships except the sex, and that, in part, is what makes talking about sex so difficult. If it becomes a daily topic of conversation eventually everyone has a better chance of speaking and being heard.

Do you want better sex

2012-08-14T11:45:00.000-07:00

Figuring Out What Better Sex Means to You, And How to Have It

Depending on where you are in your life, your sexual goals may be more about finding someone to have sex with, than how to have better sex. But those who have a regular sexual partner (or more than one) often eventually turn to the question of how to have better sex. You can tell that this is a common question in part by the dizzying array of books, videos, and workshops that promise to give you better sex .

The problem with most promises of better sex is that they ignore a fundamental aspect of sexual experience; that it's both individual and subjective. Better sex for your neighbor may be nothing like better sex for you. In fact, the person you're having sex with may think better sex is something very different from what you imagine better sex to be. So before you buy another book, watch another video, or take another class, you need to start with what might seem like a not very sexy question: What does better sex mean to you?

It's a big question, so here are a few specifics to think about:
Does better sex mean doing sexual things that you aren't doing now? Things you have never done?
Is it the sex that you want to change, or yourself? Your own feelings or orientation toward sex?
Does better sex mean more sex? Is frequency alone a factor?
Does it mean more partners? A different partner?
Do you want better sex because you want to make a good thing better, a bad thing good, both?
Why do you want better sex in the first place?

These are questions worth asking even if you think there's nothing you can do about it. If you're in a monogamous relationship you might think there's no point in wondering about other partners. But there's a big difference between thought and action, and for your own sexual (and mental) health, consider giving yourself permission to at least think about all your options.

If you are in a relationship it's unlikely you can make any changes to your sex life without talking to your partner and getting them on board. To do that you need to make sure you both want a change, and your both willing to explore different kinds of change.

Of course the most enduring sexual relationship any of us have is with ourselves, and you can explore and experiment with different kinds of sex on your own anytime. If better sex for you is really about a change in attitude or focus, this is something you can do on your own, consciously changing the way you masturbate but also what you're thinking about while you masturbate. Better sex has to start with you, both metaphorically and literally.

I don't believe there's any packaged way to guarantee better sex. The best you can do is get other people's ideas of sex, think about them for yourself, and experiment. To that end, here are a few resources on About.com that may be helpful in getting you thinking about and exploring better sex.

Leave a love letter under your spouse’s pillow

2012-08-12T11:40:00.000-07:00

Guide to Wedding Night Sex

Whether you have never had sex or have had it with each other a million times before you get married, you’ll want wedding night sex to sizzle. A little bit of planning and a whole lot of love will do the trick. Your goal should be to woo each other with romantic gestures, genuine sentiment, and hot passion. This guide to your first time having sex as married people should help – ?

Romance each other.

Sex is nothing without romance, especially on a day as romantic as your wedding. You must do whatever it takes to infuse the night with romance (even if you start to feel as exhausted from a full day of celebrating). The wedding night, after all, is just for the two of you.

Express your love.

Find the perfect way to demonstrate how happy you are to have married your spouse. Hugs, kisses, or whispering sweet nothings might work. The key to finding the perfect expression of love, however, is knowing your lover. What actions send the message to him or her that you are in love?

Leave a love letter under your spouse’s pillow.

A handwritten note, especially in the age of e-mail and text messages, is heartfelt and meaningful. If you never write your spouse a love letter, you should do so on your wedding. Leaving such a note under your spouse’s pillow ahead of your passionate night together is thoughtful and perfectly timed.

Set the mood.

Preparation can make all the difference when it comes to wedding night sex. After the ceremony and festivities, you might be exhausted. But you can make sure there will be champagne on ice, rose petals on the floor and a few candles. Either take care of it yourself the morning of the wedding or ask someone you trust to do it for you. Make sure you pack your fancy underwear and lingerie for the wedding night, too. If you forget that, however, nudity always works well.

Prepare your body for sexual pleasure.

If it is your first time having sex (or the first time for your spouse), you should prepare your body for sex. Women can feel pain the first times they have sex, but there are things you can do to minimize the pain – from going slow and being patient to using lubricant. Get the details on what can be done long before the wedding night itself. Spend lots of time on foreplay to make sure everyone is hot and ready to go.

Set the standard for sex.

Think of your wedding night as the first night of the rest of your sex life. From the start of your sexual relationship, you should be open and comfortable with one another. You should also take responsibility for your own sexual pleasure. In other words, make a plan on how you are going to continue to pleasure one another and keep things exciting.

Always strive for improvement.

Sex, like most things in life, can always get better. Living out reasonable fantasies, using sex toys, or simply talking might make your sex life go from boring to spicy. The hard part is determining what the two of you need and how to merge those needs.

Keep the passion alive.

Married sex runs the risk of getting boring. For couples who have had lots of sex ahead of the wedding night, this can happen from the very first night. But you can do something about a lack of passion. Court one another – and put the zing back in your sex life.

How to Make Your Wedding Night Unforgettable

2012-08-10T11:36:00.002-07:00

Sex Tips for Virgins on Their Wedding Night

If you'll be a virgin when you get married, you're probably feeling some apprehension about what will happen on your wedding night. Here are tips and advice to help things go smoothly.

How to Communicate Before the Wedding Night

Pick a quiet moment to ask your soon-to-be-spouse "are you feeling nervous at all about our wedding night?" Odds are, he or she will be relieved to have the opportunity to talk about it. Talk about what your hopes and fears are. If your partner has sexual experience or you want to prevent pregnancy, talking about safer sex is essential. You may want to visit a counselor, or talk about sex during your pre-wedding counseling. If you are too nervous to bring up the subject of sex, consider leaving a magazine open, or even forwarding this article in an email.

How to Communicate During Sex

The most important sex tip for being a great lover is to learn how to communicate in bed. For nervous first timers, it might seem more natural to stay silent; dirty talk can be intimidating. Try saying, "That feels good" or just moaning a little when you like something. Be observant of your partner as well - if they're quiet and still, you might want to try something different. You can ask, "Does that feel good?" or "Can I try..." Most importantly, speak up when something doesn't feel good. Sex can and should give both of you pleasure.

Will She Bleed? Will it Be Painful?

When a woman loses her virginity, it is possible for it to be a little bloody or painful. However, it shouldn't last for too long, and it is almost never very serious. To make things easier, make sure there's plenty of foreplay before you try penetration. You'll also want to have a good lubricant. I recommend a brand called "Slippery Stuff" because it is safe to use with latex, and it's glycerin-free. (Glycerin can cause yeast infections.) Even if you use a lubricated condom, you'll want to use extra lube. And, if you're afraid of bleeding on the hotel sheets, bring a towel with you, or your own sheets.

Will He Be Able to Maintain an Erection? What Happens If He Can't?

The pressure of the wedding night can be too much for many men. If things aren't "working," try to change up the mood. Spend some time kissing, and fondling each other. Perhaps make a game out of how many different body parts you can kiss, or be a little more serious by talking about the wedding, your love for each other, and milestones ahead of you. Most importantly remember that sex isn't just about penetration. There are lots of ways to make each other feel good that don't require an erection.

Will I Be Any Good? How Can I Wow My New Husband or Wife?

Sex, like most things, takes practice. You are likely to be a little clumsy and to feel a little goofy. Take things slowly, and try to listen to your partner. Find out what feels good, and what doesn't. Don't be afraid to ask! But don't concentrate on how mind-blowing (or not!) the physical feelings are. Instead try to be gentle with one another, and focus on how amazing it is to finally be in each other's arms as a married couple.

Top Ten Sex Tips for Men

2012-08-09T11:33:00.000-07:00

At any given second, 4,000 people are having sex in the world. So ‘knocking’ is the most happening or ‘rocking’ thing in the world. Sex is not all about doing it in the bed. The three attributes that can help you in building an effective relationship with women include - your caring nature, communication skills and your confident attitude. ‘Lusty talk’ during sex can help to stimulate women even more. Tease her and make her feel desirable and you are sure to give her orgasm even if your performance is below par.

1. If you sweat during sex don’t worry – sweating men ooze testosterone and it is a biological turn on for women.

2. During sex keep the room warm rather than cold. So maybe turn off the air-conditioner if necessary or turn it on low. Heat causes dilatation of blood vessels and more swelling of the penis and vagina and flushing of the skin. Heat makes you ‘flush during sex.’

3. If you want your girl to become pregnant make sure you give her a big orgasm. The chances of pregnancy increases because contraction of pelvic muscles during orgasm help the sperms move up the vaginal canal and fertilize the eggs.

4. If your girl has a headache and you have no pills available give her a big orgasm and this can relieve her headache. Sex is known to cure headaches due to release of morphine like pain killer substances in the brain called endorphins.

5. Big orgasm also requires you to indulge in some foreplay. Gently touching, stroking, sucking and licking your partners nipples, thighs, vagina and clitoris are sometimes enough to start the orgasm. Keep the big act for the end.

6. Stimulate her clitoris with your fingers by gently fondling with the area. Remember the sensory nerve fibers have the highest concentration around the clitoris followed by labia, and the outer third of the vagina.

7. Find her G-Spot – G-spot stimulation can give a woman a big orgasm. It is usually located in the front section of the vaginal wall between her vaginal opening and the cervix. Use finger to stroke the front portion of the vagina and during intercourse the best way to stimulate her G-spot is insertion of the penis from the back. If the G-spot and clitoris are simulated simultaneously the women is likely to have ‘one hell of a orgasm’ that she is unlikely to forget.

8. Early morning sex is also a great option if you are tired in the night. You can get extra help from the surge of Testosterone in the morning. Blood levels of testosterone are highest just before dawn and are 40% higher than in the evening.

9. Keep you ‘But’ in shape - Buttocks of a man are the most admired part of a man’s body by women.

10. Age is not a factor for sex as much as it is for women. Studies show that even if you are over 70 years the chances of your being potent is over 73%. Actor Anthony Quinn fathered a baby at the age of 81 years.

Women can be more intense and may be preferred

2012-08-07T11:28:00.002-07:00

Tips : Oral Sex Positions

A good oral sex position can make the difference between a hot and fun oral romp and an awkward ten minutes that leaves you with a pain in the neck. While it’s true that most of us are just excited to be receiving oral sex and may not care so much about the position, for oral sex lovers (both the giving and receiving kind) changing up the position can also change the experience. Positions may give either or both partners more access to touching body parts and certain positions easily highlight the power dynamic potential of oral sex.

Tip #1 – On Your Knees:

This classic position (well classic in porn anyway) can evoke the power dynamics in oral sex well. Despite being usually represented as a position for fellatio, a woman can also receive oral sex while standing with a partner kneeling in front of them. Benefits of this position are the visuals, the fact that the giving partner may be able to use their hands, as well as being a position that doesn’t require a lot of room and can be gotten into and out of relatively quickly. The drawback is that it’s hard on the knees (a pillow under them helps a bit) and it can be hard on the neck as well.

Tip #2 – Between the Legs:

A much more comfortable position oral sex, this common position has the receiving partner lying on their back with the giver further down between their legs. There are a lot of variations on this position where the receiving partner bends their knees or lifts their legs right up off the bed (they can rest on the givers shoulders). The receiving partner can also turn on their side, and this may be even more comfortable for a giving partner who has neck problems.

Tip #3 – Right Angle Approach:

In this position the receiving partner lies flat on their back and the giving partner positions themselves at a right angle with head at their partners genitals. Giving oral sex at this position changes the usual direction of stroking/licking from up-and-down to side-to-side. Side-to-side stimulation, particularly for women can be more intense and may be preferred. This position also allows the giver greater hand reach if they want to stimulate the legs and feet or head of their partner.

Tip #4 – Face Sitting:

If you’re prone to giggling this may not be the oral sex position for you as it may remind you of a childhood game in a non-sexy way. Otherwise this position can work well, particularly with a woman on top. It’s great if the giver has any mobility restrictions or fatigues easily, and it also provides a lot of dominance/submission potential. The receiver can sit over the givers face either crouching or with their shins on the bed, and can even lean forward and support their own upper body with their hands (so they’re kind of in a rear entry position).

Tip #5 – On the Edge of Your Seat:

A more relaxed version of the on your knees position, in this one the receiver sits in a comfy chair with their bum out towards the edge (this also works on the edge of a bed or couch of course). This position is much easier for the giver who can be on their knees or sitting but can shift some of the weight of their own body from their knees to their upper body by using the chair for some support. One drawback to this position is that it doesn’t offer the same kind of access to the receiver’s full body.

Not the easiest anal sex position

2012-08-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

Most anal sex positions are really basic sex positions adapted a little bit for anal penetration. The two key factors for all good anal sex positions are that it allow the receiver to be relaxed and physically comfortable and that it gives the person doing the penetrating access to the area. Because anal sex is a much slower form of penetration play it’s important to find a position that you’re comfortable in and isn’t too taxing on your body. Below are some of the most common anal sex positions.

Anal Sex Positions – Rear Entry or Doggy Style:

The rear entry (also called doggy style) sex position is probably most associated with anal sex. This position offers easy access to the anus for penetration play, but because it doesn’t allow for face to face positioning, it may be better for partners who have experienced anal sex together and know what they like. If you’re just beginning to explore anal penetration the side by side or knees on chest sex position might be better as it allows the receiver more control, and more immediate non-verbal feedback about what’s working and what isn’t.

Knees on Chest:

The knees on chest sex position or other variations with the person being penetrated lying on their back with their legs up, can be a great first time sex position. Both partner’s bodies are close to the ground which allows for more relaxation and less work. It also allows for plenty of physical touching which is so important during anal play to and it’s easy for either partner to use a sex toy to add to the stimulation. Placing a pillow under the lower back of the partner being penetrated can be helpful.

Side by Side Spooning:

Not the easiest anal sex position, the side by side spooning sex position , where both partners are facing the same direction, may still work for anal penetration. You can vary this position by having one partner almost on their knees penetrating the other partner who is lying on their side. The partner being penetrated can spread their legs in a scissor fashion. This position allows for a great variety of angles of penetration without having to switch positions.

Receiver on Top:

Often it is recommended for people being penetrated for the first time (whether it’s anal or vaginal penetration) that they start out on top. The benefit of the on top sex position is that the person on top has complete control of the angle, speed, and depth of penetration. While this can work with anal sex some people find that they are less able to relax their anus and sphincter muscles when they are sitting up, and in that case this would not be a recommended anal sex position. It’s most important that the person being penetrated can relax completely.

Knowing masturbation is a part of sexual health

2012-08-04T11:18:00.000-07:00

What is Over Masturbation?

How much masturbation is too much masturbation?

The topic of over masturbation, what gets called chronic masturbation , can be a confusing one. While there is a lot of sex talk in our culture, masturbation is usually left out of the conversation. As a result we don’t learn very much about masturbation, and as teens and adults those of us who enjoy masturbating may wonder if we are over masturbating or how much masturbation is “normal” and healthy.
What is over masturbation?

First things first. The vast majority of masturbation is completely healthy and positive. There is no data for this, but anything aproximating "over masturbation" is very rare. There is no number or quantity of masturbation that is healthy or unhealthy. Masturbation isn’t like candy or eggs, there isn’t a "recommended daily allowance", it means different things to different people, and we all use masturbation differently, in positive and negative ways. So this question needs to be answered on an individual basis, keeping in mind that very few of us actually masturbate in ways that are harmful to ourselves. If I am over masturbating, will I have to stop masturbating altogether?

No credible health care professional who is working in your best interest would ever tell you to stop masturbating forever. A healthy sexual life includes masturbation across the lifespan, and stopping for a week or two doesn’t mean you have to stop forever. If you feel like your masturbation is a problem you may want to take a break from masturbating for a while and take some time to think about what is going on for you. But you should never feel like taking a break means dropping masturbation from your sexual repertoire. If someone tells you that masturbating is wrong or you need to stop it, they are probably doing so in their own interests, not yours. Feeling guilty about masturbation is not necessarily a sign of over masturbating.

Many of us are raised with negative messages about our bodies, sex, and specifically masturbation. We respond by feeling guilty when we masturbate. But masturbation is healthy and guilt is not a required part of it. As you go through the questions below it’s important to know that feeling guilty about masturbation doesn’t mean you’re doing it too much. Guilt is a normal response to being told bad things about masturbation. The solution in this case is not to stop masturbating (although you might chose to take a break while working things out), the solution is to deal with your feelings of guilt, to recognize them as unnecessary, and to work towards feeling good about your ability to give yourself pleasure and knowing that masturbation is a part of sexual health.

Get your self in the mood for masturbation

2012-08-02T11:08:00.000-07:00

How To Masturbate for Women

Because you get to do it by yourself, on your own terms, masturbation may be the best way to learn what turns you on. There are all sorts of ways that people raised as girls and women are set up to not enjoy sex. Most women are raised with little information about their genitals and almost all of us are raised with negative messages about pleasure and our bodies. Some women orgasm from clitoral stimulation, others enjoy vaginal penetration or g spot stimulation. Remember, there’s no wrong way to masturbate; everyone is different! Below you'll find some tips on how to masturbate for women.

Time Required: 30 minutes to several hours

Here's How:

Get yourself in the mood for masturbation.

Relax as much as you can.Take a warm bath or have a glass of wine. Ensure your privacy: turn off the phone, lock the door, send the kids to a neighbor's. Find a comfy position. Most women start out lying on their backs, legs bent and spread apart, with feet on the ground. Remove most or all of your clothing.

Fantasize for masturbation.

Recall an exciting past sexual encounter or elaborate on a favorite sexual fantasy. If you need a boost, look at a sexy magazine, read an erotic story, or watch an adult video. Allow your mind to explore any images--anything goes as long as it heightens your excitement.

Explore all parts of your body.

Run your hands along parts of your body, lingering along areas that are more responsive to touch than others. Look at your genitals in a mirror (especially if you're unfamiliar with them) and caress the different parts to see what feels especially good. Find and touch your inner and outer labia, your clitoris, your vagina and your perineum.

Touch yourself.

Using one or two fingers, rhythmically stroke the different parts of your vulva, paying particular attention to your clitoris and labia. Experiment with different types of pressure, speed and motion. Try placing a finger on either side of the clitoris and stroking up and down, or placing two fingers on the clitoral hood and rubbing in a circular motion.

Experiment.

Try different types of touch: stroke, tickle, knead, pinch, or lightly pull your genitals. Try using one or several fingers, the palm of your hand, even your knuckles.

Build up excitement.

Learn to hold onto sexual excitement by building up and then reducing or temporarily stopping the stimulation. Pay attention to how your body is responding. It will tell you the particular stroke that feels best and when to pick up or slow down the tempo.

Breathe and rock.

Breathe deeply rather than hold your breath. This helps release the sexual energy, rather than fight it. Rock your pelvis as you would during intercourse. Rhythmically clench and release your PC muscle (using a dildo for vaginal penetration can help).

Getting over the top.

If your hand gets tired, give yourself a rest, switch hands, or try a vibrator. If you're on the brink of orgasm, but can't quite get over the hump, try altering you’re breathing, or focusing on a really hot fantasy. Give yourself extra stimulation: caress your nipples, or try also thrusting your other fingers or a dildo in and out of your vagina.

Ride the Wave.

As you begin to orgasm, continue the stimulation through the orgasm. Lighten up on the stimulation during the first extremely sensitive moments but keep it going to enjoy those little pleasurable aftershocks. Your first orgasm may feel like a blip or a blast, but the more you practice, the more variety you will experience.

Practice makes for perfect masturbation.
Don't worry if you don't come on your first try, keep practicing, or try some of the variations below.

Tips:
Vibrators take some of the manual labor out of masturbation by providing direct, intense physical stimulation to the clitoris.

Water helps many women learn to masturbate. Lie back with legs spread in a bath with a shower hose and direct the stream of water at your clitoris. Vary the pressure, the pulsation, and the temperature. Alternate methods: slide your butt over the drain so your legs are up in the air and your genitals are up under the tub faucet (rather awkward but do-able), or use Jacuzzi jets.

Rub against something--a pillow, the corner of some furniture, a dildo.

Dildos can be a pleasurable accompaniment to clitoral masturbation, as they offer the fullness of penetration and can also stimulate the G-Spot.

Male masturbation doesn't have to always be a quick affair

2012-07-31T10:56:00.001-07:00

How To Masturbate for Men

Masturbation is considered by many to be the cornerstone of sexual health. Most men believe that they already know everything about their own genitals and sexual response. It’s all out there, boys will be boys, etc. But just because you know how your tools work, doesn’t mean you can build the Eiffel Tower. In fact most men experience a fraction of their full erotic and orgasmic potential. Read on for simple and fun tips on how to masturbate for men.
Time Required: Male masturbation doesn't have to always be a "quick affair". Take your time and enjoy.

Here's How:

Make time for more than a quickie.
Most guys first learn to masturbate in secret and furtive ways. They do it quickly and need to figure out what to do with the evidence afterward. This can create a powerful pattern of masturbating quickly, without paying attention to where your sexual arousal can take you. To start exploring something different, make sure you have some extended time and privacy for yourself, where you aren’t trying to finish quick before someone interrupts.

Turn off the porn (just for a while) and tune into your body.
Not everyone likes porn, but a lot of guys do, and while porn can be great, it also takes you out of your body a bit with the fantasy. This can distract you from what’s actually happening in your body. You don’t need to throw the porn away, but for a few times, masturbate without porn, and objectify yourself for a change!

Do a...dry...run through.

Bad pun aside, it’s a good idea to try the above suggestions, and then just masturbate as you normally would. As you do this pay attention: Changes in your breathing: Does it become shallow and quick, slower and deeper?

Changes in your body: is there tension in some places, and relaxation in others? Is this the same every time you masturbate?

How does it feel just before you have an orgasm?

How does it feel as you orgasm, and immediately post-orgasm?
Changes in your breathing: Does it become shallow and quick, slower and deeper?

Changes in your body: is there tension in some places, and relaxation in others? Is this the same every time you masturbate?
How does it feel just before you have an orgasm?
How does it feel as you orgasm, and immediately post-orgasm?

Time to switch it up.

Men learn early in their lives the most effective way to get themselves off. And most never waver from the utilitarian approach to self love. But sex is less like a well oiled machine, and more like a chaotic food fair, where there is an endless selection of ways to satisfy your appetites. So it’s time to throw a wrench in the works and shake up your routine. Try any combination of the following suggestions:

Does your left hand know what your right hand is doing? Do you always use the same one hand to masturbate? Most guys do. If you’re among them, start with the simple tip of switching hands. It can feel strange at first, the rhythm might be off, it’s almost like sex with someone new for the first time. Enjoy the newness, and see if a new hand can teach an old hand some tricks.

Experiment with positions.

If you aren’t an experimental type, it’s time to start. If you’re used to masturbating lying down on your back, try sitting up. If you normally sit in a chair, try standing, or kneeling. As with all these changes, this might feel ridiculous at first, and you’ll probably go back to old faithful, but see what masturbation feels like in different positions, and notice if it brings with it any new sensations.

Get your hips moving.

The way your body moves when you masturbate is probably very different from the way it moves when you’re having sex with someone else. Many men don’t move at all when they masturbate. Try to move your hips when you masturbate, simulating the thrusting of intercourse. Notice how moving your hips in different ways can bring you closer to, and at times take you farther away from, the point of orgasm.

Use different hand strokes.

Most men learn early on that a vigorous stroke does the trick. This intense up and down stimulation usually ends in a good orgasm. But there are dozens of other strokes that each bring with them different sensations, and different orgasms. Roll your penis in between your hands, moving your hands up and down your shaft. Try using long twisting strokes instead of just up and down. Experiment with different movements, pressures, and speeds.

Explore your shaft.

While most of the nerve endings on the penis are at the head, and specifically the frenulum, many men will have spots on their shaft that are unusually sensitive. Try putting one hand at the base of your penis and press it towards your body while experimenting with different hand strokes along the shaft of your penis. Treat this like a treasure hunt, and try to feel the difference between one side and the other, between stimulation near the base and up near the tip.

Reach around, yourself.

For many men the balls (testicles) are a very sensitive area that responds well to feelings of touch and pressure. Take your forefinger and thumb and make them in a circle at the top of your scrotum. Gently tug on your scrotum as you're masturbating. This is both a way to prevent you from ejaculating and a way to extend sexual feelings in your body. Experiment with other kinds of touch including tickling, scratching, and rubbing.

Check out the neighborhood.

While the penis and scrotum tend to be the epicenter of masturbatory attention, if you’re looking to open things up a bit, be sure to take a tour of some other nearby areas. The perineum, the area between the scrotum and anus, is very sensitive to pressure and massage, and rubbing it provides external prostate stimulation. Speaking of which, don’t be afraid to explore the anus, both externally and by using a finger for penetration.

Bring it all together.

Not everything you try is going to do it for you, but the idea behind the above tips is to try lots of different things, and then incorporate whatever you like into the ways you regularly masturbate. Maybe it’s a different stroke, or position, or breathing technique. Obviously there is no one, correct way to masturbate, and even if you’ve got something that works for you, consider the fact that there could be more out there if you experiment with it.

Tips:

Another myth about male masturbation is that you shouldn’t use anything other than you hand. While your hand might be doing the trick, adding some accessories can make the stimulation even more intense, and inspire more creativity with yourself, and with partners.
Get a good quality personal lubricant . If it’s only for masturbation you can use something that’s oil based without worrying about condom compatibility. Oil based products are better because they won’t dry up.
Add a sex toy into the mix. It might be a vibrator, a dildo, or a cock ring (if you’ve never tried one I recommend trying one on your own before you use it with a partner). Sex toys can add a completely new kind of stimulation, and accentuate the manual stimulation you're doing.

Tips: Try new for better sex

2012-07-29T10:43:00.005-07:00

Try a new place

Sex in a new locale is definitely up there in exciting things to do for better sex. You can take a drive somewhere secluded where you can get a bit risqué. simply move to a different room or area in your home -- or even someone else’s home. Whatever tickles your fancy. There are a million and one different places to have sex other than your home, in your bed -- use them.

Use a cock ring

Cock rings slow the drain of blood out of your erection, and keep you harder for longer. A very hard penis stimulates a woman’s insides slightly differently -- and much better -- than one that is getting soft around the edges. Cock rings are inexpensive and usually nice to look at, and make an interesting male sex toy to add to your collection. Cock rings ensure that you can maintain the pace without faltering for better sex. This is very pleasing to your lady friend.

Try a new position

You already know how to bring her to orgasm in two ways (probably). You repeat these regularly because they work -- there's no harm in that. However, if you never, ever try any new positions again, how will you ever know? New positions need a reasonably high level of arousal in your lover, so choose your time to strike a new pose when she is quite obviously feeling very randy.

Tell her your fantasies

Talking about your fantasies with your partner is a very conducive form of sex play. It increases communication with your partner, which is of great importance, as well, it also helps you get to know each other better for better sex. Yes, you may be surprised by what comes out of her mouth, but this works both ways. Keep it light at first and don’t throw her in the deep end with fantasies about people you both know or reveal fetishes you aren't sure about. Sit back with a glass of wine and keep your clothes on -- for now. Fantasy play can also be incorporated into a game for better sex. Use your imagination, and keep it sexy. Take it in turns and see where it leads you.

Have her dress up

Pretending to be something you're not comes easily to some people. However, it has its benefits when done for fun. Stepping out of the role of being "yourself" can be a fun way to give each other permission to behave differently for better sex. Playing the role of someone else during sexual play is a very enjoyable way to give your partner some different sensations, and try things that you haven’t done before. Role playing is a great way to have better sex and to have fun with your partner in a light-hearted but sexy way. It is often the woman who does the dressing up simply because A) They enjoy it; and B) They have the resources of clothes, underwear and makeup -- but don't forget that you can play too..

Give her instructions

After a while you may think you know how to please your partner in every way, but this is very rarely true. There is always something you haven’t tried, and there is bound to be something one of you always does that could be done differently.
To combat this for better sex, have a lesson session in which you don’t think you know it all, and are at each other's mercy as teacher. Talk about things you haven’t tried, but would like to, then choose one suggestion from each partner, and get down and dirty. We often get caught thinking we know what our partners like, and after a while it becomes "the way it’s done." Lose this myth and put yourself in the student's chair for a while for better sex you won't regret.

Make sex more comfortable for women

2012-07-27T10:36:00.000-07:00

Undeterred, I continued to have sex with the Anaconda, as I call him, and as a result continued to bleed here and there. It was all fine and dandy until one day he thought it would be a great idea to spring anal sex on me. In most circumstances, I’m a big fan of surprises. But “Surprise! My dick is in your ass!” is not one of them. I screamed in pain and told him in no uncertain terms to get the hell off of me.

It didn’t get any better when it came to oral sex. The first time I went downtown, I could barely fit it in my mouth, causing me to accidentally graze his member with my teeth. After a little practice, I finally got it under control, but easy it was not. Still, his larger-than-life penis was not as bad as some of the others my friends have encountered. Some of my girlfriends have experienced penises so enormous they could only allow half of it inside before yelping in pain. It’s like going to a buffet and being unable to eat.

So what’s a guy to do when he has a big penis? Alas, unlike boobs, there is no way to make it smaller or larger (although I sure wish there was).

But there are things that man with big penises can do to make sex more comfortable for women.

What is Sexual Intelligence

2012-07-25T07:18:00.008-07:00

What's "Normal" Between The Sheets?

Here’s what’s “normal”: adults have sex primarily when they’re tired. This shapes the quality, content, and frequency of the experience. Most adults save their “prime time” for things that are either more important (raising their kids, working after hours, maintaining their health, handling crises) or more reliably satisfying (watching TV, going out, sharing hobbies, playing around on Facebook).

Not having much energy is one aspect of “normal sex” that most people don’t want. But many adults seem to believe that most sex will inevitably take place when they’re not at their best, without considering the consequences of this kind of sex life -- that it may become routine, not involve much time, lose its playfulness, and that using contraception or a lubricant may seem like too much trouble.

If we think of “normal” as common, typical, and accepted as “the way things are,” this is what “normal sex” actually looks like:

• Awkwardness and self-consciousness are common.
• Communication is limited.
• Neither partner laughs or smiles much.
• One or both partners are obsessively concerned about performance.
• One or both are unsure what their partner likes.
• One or both tolerate what they dislike, hoping that it will stop soon.
• Masturbation is kept secret.
• There’s difficulty using birth control without embarrassment or conflict.
• Desire requires a perfect environment.
• Sex is sometimes physically painful.
• He believes that “her orgasm problem reflects on me.”
• She believes that “his erection problem reflects on me.”

Also, whether young or old, gay or straight, male or female, when American adults have sex, they frequently:

• Are self-conscious or self-critical about their body
• Don’t feel as close to their partner as they’d like
• Don’t feel confident that they’re going to have a good time (which is why they don’t do it more frequently)
• Are concerned about performance -- either their own or their partner’s
• Feel inhibited about communicating what theywant, don’t want, feel, or don’t feel

Health problems are also frequently part of “normal” sex -- because normal people have health problems.

So, are you starting to look pretty “normal”? Are you starting to realize this might not be the right goal?

I want to change things for you -- and not by improving your “sexual function.” This book isn’t literary Viagra. It’s more like literary brain surgery (sorry, no tummy tuck, boob job, or hair implants, just brain surgery).

The awkwardness and emotional isolation described above are what most people get when they try to have “normal” sex. And that’s why your vision of sex matters. So let’s spend the rest of the chapter exploring why it’s not important to be sexually “normal” and why, in fact, pursuing “normal” sex is often destructive.

Of course, by “normal” sex most people don’t mean the reality I’ve just described, but a romanticized vision of perfect performance, perfect environment, and nothing too novel or psychologically challenging. The only thing normal about that kind of sex is the fact that so many people aspire to it, and so few people have it. (And here’s a secret every sex therapist knows: even when people get this kind of sex, they’re not necessarily satisfied with it.)

So if, like so many other people, you’ve been pursuing the wrong thing (“normal” sex), you need a new way to think about sex. Although most people assume it’s logical to have a performance orientation (how many times per week, how many minutes before orgasm), that’s only one way to look at sex. And it’s exactly the wrong way.

Early Ejaculation

2012-07-23T09:37:00.002-07:00

What To Do After You Finish Too Quickly

It happens to the best of men. You’re with a girl and it’s feeling good -- really good. All of sudden, way too good. Before you know it, you’ve concluded your business and you’ve barely made it past the one-minute mark. As she stares quizzically into your eyes, you have a split second to decide what to do about your early ejaculation. Should you try to play it off with a joke or genuinely apologize? Here are the dos and don'ts of how to react.

Laugh it off

Trying to casually make a joke of the situation is a valid reaction. If you can get her to laugh about it with you, then it will just be an amusing hiccup in an otherwise pleasurable evening. Take a break, have a good laugh and then try again. If she does not find it funny, you have two options: 1) skip to “distracting her” or 2) find yourself a girl who’s not so uptight.

Apologize

Sure, you could apologize for your premature ending. It’s a fine option as long as you don’t grovel. A quick “sorry” wouldn’t hurt, but don’t dwell on it. It really doesn’t require a solemn declaration of regret. The only thing you’d really have to be sorry for is leaving her unsatisfied after your quick orgasm.

Pout

Grown men should not pout. It is not becoming at the best of times, and it is certainly not appropriate on the occasion of early ejaculation. Be a man, suck it up and try again. It may be disheartening, but acting like a petulant two-year-old will guarantee that you don’t get a second chance. Extra douchebag points if you manage to directly or indirectly make her feel like your early ejaculation was her fault.

Panic

Do not panic. In the event of an unexpected climax, resist the urge to flee the room in shame. Stay calm and try to act like it’s not a big deal. She’ll still be out there when you’re finished hiding in the bathroom, and your freak-out will just make things more awkward when you finally chill out.

Try to explain

The phrase “this never happens to me” should not escape your mouth in this situation. She probably won’t believe it despite your insistence on the rarity of the occurrence. In fact, she might even think you doth protest too much. Believe it or not, women are aware that it happens every once in a while. She doesn’t need an explanation.

Fake like it didn’t happen

Faking an orgasm is one thing, but faking not having an orgasm is probably even harder. There is evidence left behind after all. So don’t try to pretend it didn’t happen; just act like it didn’t. Instead of pausing to acknowledge it, just move on and keep the pleasure going by other means. Your penis does not have to be directly involved for sex to continue.

Distract her

The best possible reaction to a early ejaculation on your part is to focus your attention on her pleasure, thereby distracting her from the fact that you’re already finished. If you’re using your mouth, hands, play her G-Spot or sex toys to please her, she won’t care when you had your orgasm.

Try, try again

No matter which of these reactions come to you at the moment of your untimely orgasm, you can save the situation by getting yourself together and starting from the beginning. If you can’t manage to get it up a second time, make sure she is happy for the night by using the other means at your disposal and giving her a repeat performance in the morning, which will be sure to last longer than the first.

How to Find Her G-Spot

2012-07-21T09:34:00.001-07:00

Nobody goes to the G-spot anymore. It's a total Clit and Rectal crowd. Everyone's going to the Cul-de-Sac now. It's actually called the Vaginal Fornix, but no one calls it that. It's that place where the vagina dead-ends, sort of, like, behind the cervix. Like, if you were going to the cervix?

But you kept going around the back? You can't see it unless the uterus is raised, like, turned on. It's supposed to be hard to get in. Maybe for you. I mean, guys have to be at least average size. There's a password: butterfly, like, the position where the girl has her legs all the way up, and then she has to suck in right as she's coming. That's what Barbara Keesling from Cal State Fullerton says. She wrote Super Sexual Orgasm Discover the Ultimate Pleasure Spot The Cul-de-Sac. She's all, "It's called light-socket sex... Seriously, you get the fireworks sensation of the lights behind your eyes. You get unusual sensations in your retina that we would call, like, fireworks.

You get shooting colors. And it also makes you weak in the knees when you go to stand up afterward. And it also gives you a kind of uhhh, uhhh panting type of sensation." And I was all, "No way," and then she was like, "Penetration in the cul-de-sac goes to the spinal cord on a different nerve than the G-spot or the clitoris." But I talked to this doctor guy?

Dr. Orlandis Wells OB-GYN? He was all, "Yes and no. Every woman's sensitivity spot is different. The G-spot and the cul-de-sac are often painful for some women who enjoy the labia stimulation better." And I was like, "Who said anything about the labia?" Gross!