Pointless Movie Reviews!

ONE FOR THE MONEY -- 5

2012-02-08T00:12:00.000-08:00

Your gun is HUGE

I read a lot of junk. I always have. When things go sideways the way I deal with it is to read a murder mystery. They're good things, mysteries. Everyone has problems which are far worse than mine AND everything gets solved at the end. So, when I read a mystery, I am not in it for the florid prose, the in-depth character development, or for any other marker of literary merit. I am reading it because I don't want to think about anything for a few hours.

I bring it up so you know that I have read One For The Money by Janet Evanovich. And when I finished reading that book I didn't think about it again. I just put it down and moved on. Seeing this book made into a film, though, gave me two long, long hours to think about exactly the sort of trash I read.

That said, I liked the costuming. I liked how the clothing made visible Stephanie Plum's (Catherine Heigle) slow transition from underwear merchant at Macy's

It's what all the girls are wearing while dumpster-diving this season

to more-in-touch-with-the-neighborhood-than-the-cops investigator

Looking like a television journalist is the best way to get hookers to trust you

to improbably-tough-as-nails bounty hunter after just four days on the job.

This is what you wear when shooting John Leguizamo in the chest five times. You know, like people do.

Did I mention the movie was shot in New Jersey? Apparently, everyone knows everyone else in New Jersey so you can't talk about anyone anywhere without random strangers chiming in with more information which is critical to your investigation.

Other things of interest in this film are:

- Debbie Reynolds is a "crazy grandma" type who shoots a turkey at the dinner table

Honestly, if you don't brine the turkey, shooting it is the only solution

- Only unattractive men die

Though, in this movie, "unattractive" means everyone but the two men she's totally into

- It's normal to run someone over with a car when you are 17 years old. That way, when you are twenty-seven and you hunt him down, steal his car, and handcuff him to a truck full of dead bodies, and collect $50,000 in bounty money on him, no one is surprised.

But make sure you act really nice and let him see you mostly naked first. THEN get the money!

- It's also totally normal to learn how to pick locks, fire a gun well under pressure, and have your new friends answer phone calls while doing this --

He's a bounty hunter, not a male prostitute. I know, easy mistake..

So, it's escapist trash which presents as possible the improbable option of a woman's ability to sucessfully transition from psycho girlfriend to psycho bounty hunter. Which, now that I think about it, isn't much of a stretch. I mean the stalking/investigating skill sets are the same. Bounty hunting just has the added benefit of providing paychecks and lets you do exciting things like hauling naked old men into jail.

Best career move I ever made!

REAL STEEL -- 5

2012-02-04T10:55:00.000-08:00

I am not a disinterested observer most of the time. The most notorious example of this is when I went to the dollar theater to see DRUMLINE with my friends. I was so involved with the movie I shushed the friends who were openly mocking the movie beside me. They, in turn, began to mock me as well, which is only natural since we were A) at the dollar show B) watching DRUMLINE.

I bring it up to say that REAL STEEL has some good action sequences which I totally got into in spite of the logical inconsistencies. This movie is a Steven Spielberg-produced joint about crappy absentee dads (a standard Uncle Morty theme) in a world where boxing robots are easier to hack than Ipods and perfectly useful robots are thrown into junkyards with amazingly poor security. You know, because no one would ever use a giant robot to do anything bad with. Naw, in this world, it's much more satisfying to physically punch people in the face with your own fists, 11-year-old boys can walk un-accosted into terrifying underworld locations without fear, and if you just ask your robot to stand up, he will. Also, a good boxer will beat a computer program every time, even if he can't win a street fight.

So either Texas in the future is a really nice crime-free, sunshine-filled place, or the Texas Rangers have the deadliest robots on the planet which they use to control a militarized Utopian society, providing professional boxing matches to the repressed population as entertainment by providing a cathartic release of the terror they live with on a daily basis.

Since we are talking about Texas, I think the most likely answer is "Both." ;)

PRIEST -- 4

2012-01-21T23:12:00.000-08:00

This film is on the verge of being fairly cool. I can see the graphic novel underpinnings of this movie and I can also see how the book would be much better than the film.

I'm not to saying they didn't try. It's plain to see the work put in to make everything as beautiful as possible. I liked Paul Bettany (pictured here on the movie poster), I liked Carl Urban, I liked Maggie Q, I liked the lighting and the sets and the ridiculous motorcycles. However, one still runs into the fact that A) it's a western and B) Cam Gigandet is in it. Also, all the cheap one-liners that are so easily digested in graphic novels completely mess up the flow of a movie. I am willing to believe Paul Bettany is a man who has dedicated himself to vampire hunting, left his family, made vows to God and Church, wreaked such epic damage that he single-handedly stopped a war, and then was left to shovel coal in a basement while being shunned by the society he saved. I totally buy that. What I do not accept is that such a man will constantly be making arrogant and/or pompous statements in order to prove his awesomeness. It just doesn't make sense.

Things which also don't make sense: how exactly in 3,000 years of history has no one ever turned a human into a vampire? And why, with all the possible fashion choices available in the future, did women decide to wear tiny dusty bonnets inside the house?? Ridiculous. Those things are to block blistering sunshine not to rock your baby in.

Anyway, everyone important survives the end of the film and there is a big obvious set-up for a sequel. Equally obvious is the total absence of demand for such a sequel. Shame, really. I'm all for automated confessionals and cruciform shuriken as long as the heroes who use them get to BE awesome instead of talking about it.

MONEYBALL -- 7

2012-01-21T22:41:00.000-08:00

It occurs to me that most of the movies I see get a 6 or 7 rating. Since this is statistically unlikely this means all the films I manage to view are of a consistent quality or I just like movies. But, it probably only means I'm too lazy to really figure out a different score for them.

MONEYBALL, however, totally deserved a 7. It was really interesting. They managed to make a book about statistics into a movie about a guy who has never lived up to his potential and what happens when he stops following everyone else.

I really related to Pitt's character because I myself tend to freeze up under pressure. I have blown more auditions and competitions than I like to remember, and even something as basic as a drivers test at the DMV had to be failed multiple times before I stopped caring enough to relax and just do the right thing. In the end Billy Beane chose to do the right thing for his team by facing the truth the numbers offered, and did the best thing for him personally with his family.

Truth is truth, and right is right, and often truth and right don't look anything like what one expects them to. MONEYBALL doesn't say that but just charges ahead and shows you what it looks like to be a success, even when one is a failure.

Bill Cunningham New York - 10

2012-01-11T21:24:00.000-08:00

I watched this film twice because I found it so interesting. BILL CUNNINGHAM NEW YORK is a documentary exploring the life work of Mr Bill Cunningham, the man who unknowingly and essentially invented street style. Since the 70's Mr Cunningham has photo-documented fashion shows, society charity events and fashion trends on the streets of NYC. He lives with the asceticism of a monk, loves everyone, has an encyclopedic knowledge of fashion, and smiles all day long because he loves his work.

He is my new hero.

82 yrs old is enough years on this earth to know if your fashion is worth photographing

Also, Iris Apfel is in this movie. IRIS APFEL!!! I adore her. When I saw the Rara Avis exhibit in Salem, MA my head almost exploded with sheer joy. I took as many illegal photos of that exhibit as I could before the docent came over and threatened me. The woman wears bangles covered in googly-eyes. I LOVE her!

She buys her stuffed animals jewels so they don't bite her

Anyway, Bill. He is fantastic and inspiring. He makes me want to find my joy and dedicate my life to it. After seeing his tiny apartment stuffed with file cabinets full of photos taken over the past 40 years, I know Bill will be to fashion history what Gregor Mendel was to genetics.

For more about this film, just watch it on Netflix. For the weekly update on NYC street fashion, go to this link to hear from the master himself.

http://video.nytimes.com/video/playlist/style/on-the-street/1247463985977/index.html

200th Entry! Happy New Year! oh, yeah and...

2012-01-01T17:34:00.000-08:00

Things which appeal to adolescent men apparently also appeal to me!

KUNG FU PANDA: LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS! (Sweet!) --10!
MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC! -- 9!

Howdy friends! Today marks the 200th entry! AAAAND, today is New Years Day! Cool, huh? I spent the weekend watching a LOT of cartoons, some of which featured the high-pitched voices of animated ponies so now everything needs exclamation points! Lot's of exclamation points!! Wheeeeeee!!!

But, Pinkie Pie imitations aside, I'm rather pleased to be blogging today on my NEW LAPTOP!!! (See attached Kermit the Frog clip for emotional reaction. You can stop the clip after the first two seconds.)

So it's sort of an important day. Now, I may have been up until 5am last night playing on my new computer. And then, after church, I immediately got right back on it, so I'm running on very little sleep. I am also pretty sure this is standard for New Years Day AND is guaranteed to make this a relatively terrible entry.

HOWEVER, one mustn't let a little things like fatigue and poor quality affect important decision making so....

KUNG FU PANDA:LEGENDS OF AWESOMENESS!!

This show is on Nickelodeon and I LOVE IT! I know what you are thinking... "another lame rip-off cartoon of a good movie? Bleh." but you would be wrong! WRONG I tell you!!! KFP:LOA maintains the excellent quality that the movies began, both visually and in storytelling. ALSO, the fighting rocks. And the theme song is AMAZING!!! Oh, and there are jokes.

Though Tigress is not amused

The characters retain their integrity, the world that was created in the films is not just maintained but expanded, and they do it all without cheap pop culture references!

However, pratfalls are still totally on the table.

Anyway, I highly recommend the show anytime you are wanting to see beautiful imagery, great animated kung fu, and bandit crocodiles who get offended if you call them alligators.

And some hot mantis on mantis action! Yeow! (j/k!)

MY LITTLE PONY: FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC!

Now, I only started watching this show because of an article in WIRED magazine. Here it is:
http://www.wired.com/underwire/2011/06/bronies-my-little-ponys/

I was curious to see this show. I would like to think that I am cool enough to have a 14 yr-old teenage geeky stoner boy as my inner child. And, the men who are tuning in to watch this show in huge numbers perhaps have a 14 yr-old geeky stoner boy inner child who is pleased by the bright colors, good story lines, and surprisingly honest depictions of friendship.

However, I know full well my inner child is a 6 year old girl who likes kiddy cats and fuzzy pink things. So, actually this show is specifically made for me. Apparently some men like it too! Bonus!!

Anyway, the wired.com article is WAY better than anything I have to say. However, I can offer you this little treasure of a link:

http://youtu.be/Vnelx6VLm9Y

That, my friends is the entire first season of MLP:FIM. The ENTIRE season. I haven't watched all 9 hours... yet.

Happy 2012!

ADDENDUM

Um, apparently the bronie who had all of season one in one ginormous YouTube file is no longer allowed to be on YouTube. Sad.....

THE MUPPETS -- (7)

2011-12-20T14:11:00.001-08:00

So, today I learned that if you google "muppets movie 2011" you get a Miami Vice photo of Ricky Gervaise with a baby tiger on his knee.

Who knew?

Anyway, THE MUPPETS was a fun movie and I realized while watching it that I had never seen a Muppets movie on the big screen. My entire childhood's experience with the puppets was exclusively through fuzzy VHS cassettes or even fuzzier memories of what the show was like when I was a kid. Seeing close-ups of Fozzie on the big screen was sort of disconcerting. HUGE heads! Cheap fake fur! When did Fozzie get grey eyebrows? Did he always have grey eyebrows?? It was strange.

However, I really enjoyed the movie. I liked the musical numbers, I liked 80s Robot, I liked the silly jokes, I liked the closet full of snacking showgirls, and I liked that they never ever untied Jack Black.

But, what it really made me want to do is just watch the old movies. Back when Kermit & Piggy sounded like they should, Gonzo was insecure about his weirdness, and no one EVER told Animal not to drum. ESPECIALLY not Jack Black.

TOWER HEIST -- (6)

2011-11-20T23:11:00.000-08:00

Have you ever met one of those people whom you want to like but can't quite manage it? Someone who seems cool, who appears to have a lot in common with you, and who you can't quite connect with? Someone who isn't quite there enough to have a real conversation with -- or is somehow shutting you out so you can't?

TOWER HEIST is a lot like that. I really wanted to like it, it has actors whom I am fond of, it has setting and plot which are theoretically interesting, and is supposed to be funny. Somehow, though, TOWER HEIST manages to not live up to it's own potential. It manages to take all these great elements and then not really use them. I guess I shouldn't be surprised at this as it was directed by the dude who did RUSH HOUR 1-3. They weren't bad movies, and TOWER HEIST isn't bad either. It's just not enough. Not enough heart to the characters, not enough time spent on anyone, and not enough feasible plot points. I did like the way Ben Stiller's Ben-Stiller-ness was kept to a minimum. (He tends to think that he's really funny and can grow tedious.) I also liked how his character Josh Kovacs is actually smart and tough. There was some attempt to demonstrate how folks in low-paying service jobs are disrespected but not quite enough time proving how clever and human they actually are. But, it's a Brett Ratner flick so that is probably asking too much of such a middling director. (Not that I could do better.)

However, Ms Sidibe probably could do better 'cause she's AWESOME!

Basically it's sad when you see a film and walk out of it saying "Well, that was no OCEANS ELEVEN."

RUBBER (6) /HIGHLANDER (6)

2011-10-30T00:42:00.000-07:00

So, it's October. And in spite of it being the month of my birth (which means I can eat cake any time I want based on the "It's my birthday month" excuse) I don't like October movies very much. It's all scary and I am the biggest pansy ever. EVER. "How scaredy are you?", you ask. Well, I'll tell you and I'll do it in a bulleted list because I really like those.

I am such a wuss that once I had nightmares for a week after seeing the TRAILER for LEPRECHAUN 2. Yup, you heard me, LEPRECHAUN 2, a film so bad it was ignored by the Razzies. Even now I have to watch the preview with the sound off.
I am so terrified of the Ravers on FIREFLY that I refuse to watch episode 102 ever again.
I am so bubblegum that when a date once pressured me into seeing SECRET WINDOW, I watched the entire film through the neckband of my sweater, which (and you might not know this) is in NO WAY sexy or cool. There was not a second date.
I am such a baby that SHAUN OF THE DEAD gave me nightmares. However, they were funny nightmares so I rolled with it.
However, SPIDER BABY freaked me out. FREAKED ME OUT! It was so bad I refused to walk by this house down the street which looked just like the house in the movie. The slightly crazy people who lived there with three chickens and duck didn't help with anything.
I am such a scaredy cat that I have to fast forward through the angel episodes of Dr. Who. Those things are scary!!
I am such a chicken that I wasn't allowed to see STAR WARS until I was 14 because it would have been too scary for me. And it was.

So, there you have it. October is a terrible terrible month, specially when my Netflix account is telling me that ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK is available. Et tu, Netflix? However, I gave in this year and watched two horror films: RUBBER and HIGHLANDER. (Don't argue with me about HIGHLANDER. Sean Connery pretends to have a Spanish accent. You can't tell me it's not horror.)

So RUBBER is not a movie about an S&M accessories shop but is instead a French horror movie about a tire. A tire that can make your head explode. It's a B-movie shot in the California desert and while it makes fun of all the horror movie cliches, it still manages to be scary. I watched it over the course of about 6 hours one Saturday afternoon. I kept pausing it and going to do things. Things like grocery shopping. Things like laundry and Taco Bell runs and visiting teaching and basically ANYTHING to get me out of the house and the eerily suspenseful film about a homicidal tire. The best part was the opening monologue by the local sheriff. He establishes that most films do things for no reason, and you, as a viewer just roll with it. The narrator calls it "no reason" and I really enjoyed the concept. I mean, why exactly does an abandoned rubber tire come to life and make things explode? No reason. Was it a cool movie? Yes.

However, I did have to watch it on a Saturday with all the windows open in chunks of 25 minutes so for REAL people it's probably about as frightening as SIXTH SENSE. (Which, incidentally, I once watched on a screen hanging on the back of a box truck in the middle of a salt plain in the middle of the desert on a dark night. It was so scary I actually had to go run laps. In the dark. In the desert.) (I don't run.)

"Yesh I'm wearing a peacock feather cape. What of it?"

HIGHLANDER is scary for different reasons. Mainly because the people are ugly and it was obviously the foundation for every 80's hair band video made after it. Do you want exploding windows? Lightening from the sky? Guys keeping their heads on with safety pins? (yuck) (Incidentally I'm pretty sure that Clancy Brown, the villain of this film, is the original inspiration for Marilyn Manson.) Anyway, I can see how this film shaped culture after it but it was still yucky when it wasn't ridiculous. The ridiculous bits were Sean Connery being an Egyptian/Spaniard and training some dude named "Connor" in the ways of the Immortals while pretending to have an accent which fits the name Ramirez. And by "pretending to have an accent" I mean he just did whatever he always does and then took his peacock feather cape home with him. Also, stone towers fall apart spontaneously, no one knows what to do when a punk rocker walks into a cathedral, and everyone has hair so damaged it makes Janis Joplin's hair look like a Pantene commercial.

So, HIGHLANDER is far less scary than RUBBER. The awesome soundtrack by Queen helps (though I secretly kept hoping they would bust out with just one FLASH! AH-AAAAH!) In scary it's about on par with REAR WINDOW but without Grace Kelly. So for normal people that translates into "not very scary at all."

I certainly haven't had enough

October is almost over, I am happy to say. Soon it will be time to sit on a giant pile of Trick-or-Treat candy and watch all the Oscar-bait dramas... which are scary in an entirely different way! Happy Halloween!

BOYS BEFORE FLOWERS VOL.1 -- (∞)

2011-10-09T21:34:00.000-07:00

"The Witch" a.k.a. "Mom"

Korean soap operas. What can I compare them to? They are like regular soaps except everyone is in high school. They are novellas with better fashion. They are Twilight without the blood, Glee without the pregnancy, and they are as addictive as crack cocaine.

I just watched 27+ hours of a single series, BOYS BEFORE FLOWERS VOL.1, and I watched it to the very bitter end because I wanted to find out what would happen. And ya know what? Nothing happened. Even in the very last moment, they didn't resolve the series. This makes me crazy but I also makes sense on a psychological level. Let me explain.

So, there's this girl named Geum Jan Di. She's not pretty, smart, rich, cultured, and the only thing she has going for her is her work ethic (at one point in the series she attends school full time while holding down four part-time jobs), her generous nature, and how cute she looks in a school uniform. NATURALLY the four richest boys in the COUNTRY of South Korea are all over her and two in particular become her love interests. These two young men are sort of the Korean versions of the Edward vs Jacob debate. I'll let Stanford professor Robert Sapolsky explain why this debate is universal and eternal in civilized society

So, the concept begins at the 1:18:55 point but the real nut of the subject comes around 1:22:00. Basically, does a woman want a big dumb muscled guy who contributes nothing but good sperm represented by the ultra-rich Goo Jun Pyo who likes to yell, drag girls around, and is too dumb to not mix his metaphors,

Yes, he's the "manly" one. Just go with it

or do you women want a man who looks like a woman

He dresses like Russel Brand but with less skin and more scarves

represented by Yoon Ji Hoo who is quiet and does nothing but take care of Jan Di and her family, friends, problems, etc. (Did I mention that he looks exactly like a girl? Did I mention that? I should also probably mention that I like this guy the best because he's not dumb.)

So, the real answer to this question in human women is "it depends." Sometimes women like big stupid men and sometimes they like small smart men and that "sometimes" has been shown in research to be determined mainly by hormone levels. Which means that this series can never actually be resolved because Jan Di will flip-flop in her preference on a bi-monthly basis. Which sucks.

Jan Di collapsed after a severe egging & flouring. Jun Pyo is actually on his way to deep fry her

In the mean time a lot of unnecessary drama happens. Jan Di gets beat up, kidnapped, threatened, injured, and (my favorite) almost dies in a "blizzard" while wandering on a bunny hill in galoshes. She also, because this is escapist fantasy for lower-middle class Korean girls, travels to Macau, goes on tropical vacations, rides horses, gets new wardrobes purchased by rich and generous men, and eats a vast amount of expensive food.

Throughout all of it she is teaching these rich boys the value of traditional Korean culture and, after administering a few well placed roundhouse kicks, the boys love her for it.

So, did I learn something? Yes. Do I recommend them? No, primarily because this series will never ever end and it makes me crazy. Crazy enough to watch 27 hours of this program and crazy enough to blog about it.

Korean soaps-- Just Say No

THE EAGLE/PULP FICTION/CREATION

2011-09-24T17:38:00.000-07:00

So, I took a break from my steady, Netflix-supported (notice I didn't say Qwikster) diet of Doctor Who and kung fu movies to see a couple of films. Here's the breakdown:

CREATION - (7)
I bawled my eyes out. I felt so sorry for the man. Making himself sick, psychotic episodes, being British, giving up on your life's work, and forgetting to talk to your wife I understand but not allowing God to be rational and loving and bigger than the narrow-minded people (and I'm talking about scientists as well as religious folks) around you? That's just heartbreaking. Also it's really sad when little cute things die so watch out for that.

THE EAGLE -- (6)
I don't know what determines whether a film will be a success or a failure. This movie has great costuming, attention to detail, interesting-looking actors, folks covered in blue clay, and even does us the favor of doing everything with actual people rather than computer-generated images. And there are worse "action stars" working today than Channing Tatum. (Just the trailer from that Taylor Lautner thing gives me a rash.) So, I'm not sure why this thing didn't make any big waves. Perhaps no one actually cares about how Roman society actually functioned? Maybe no one expects the moral ambiguity resulting from the interaction between occupied and occupying cultures in a sword fighting flick. Or maybe nobody cares about a gold eagle on a stick. Eh. I'm not even sure I care now that I'm thinkin' 'bout it....

PULP FICTION -- (6)
Natalie insisted I watch this when I was busy being outraged that she hadn't seen SERENITY yet. Since PULP FICTION arguably has had a greater cultural impact, I was wrong and we watched it. I had no idea Bruce Willis was in it. I liked it a lot and was surprised that it A) was slow, B) made John Travolta look like a complete looser, and C) didn't immediately make a bundle in merchandising from sales of "Bad Mother F-er" wallets. I know I want one.

And in other news, this guy

Matt Smith

is not my favorite Doctor. However this girl

Karen Gillan

is super cool so I think everything will be okay. =)

MARS NEEDS MOMS -- (6)

2011-09-07T07:46:00.000-07:00

Motion capture animation is kind of weird. Unless you are WETA and/or Andy Serkis, it always looks creepy and odd. In MARS NEEDS MOMS, the same POLAR EXPRESS techniques were used to make people and so the humans in this film have similar awkward, weightless, marionette-like moves. The animation crew chose to make the characters look like the actors which is unfortunate because Seth Green is not very attractive and changing his face to look like a hairy 10-year-old doesn't help anyone. But, the Martians look cool. They look and move like cartoons, with enough animated "bounce" to make them natural.
This film is based on a book by Berkley Breathed (of Bloom County fame) and the boy in the book is kinda Bill the Cat-looking. Its a good book and a good story. It's almost a good movie. What I really wish is for filmmakers to stop trying to make people look and move like creepy puppet versions of themselves and to start making them just be cartoons. It would be a lot more honest somehow.

THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU -- (6)

2011-09-07T07:33:00.000-07:00

THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU is pretty much Adam and Eve + THE MATRIX. There's a lot of stuff happening which talks about the idea of free will but then it's based on a Phillip K. Dick short story so that's only to be expected. What kills me about stories like this is how they never just ASK THE WOMAN WHAT SHE THINKS. I mean, the hero eventually gives her enough information (barely) and then offers her a choice while standing at the base of the Statue of Liberty (get it? Liberty? Choice? Free will? Get it? Was that subtle enough?) but if he had asked earlier it would have saved a lot of trouble and heartache. Sure it wouldn't have been as dramatic an ending and we wouldn't have gotten pretty shots like the photo above but I can still wish for things. Let's just call it an exercise of my free will.

SUPER 8 -- (8)

2011-09-06T22:40:00.000-07:00

I loved this movie. I wanted to be just like the fat kid (pictured here in the yellow jacket) who kept muttering "production values!" to himself. The production value of the train wreck ALONE made it a spectacular film. The fact that it's well written, has great costuming, great set dressing, beautiful cinematography, AND A MONSTER!!... there just isn't anything left to say.

J.J. Abrams already made STAR TREK, the greatest reboot since THE DARK KNIGHT, and then he gives us this? He might be my new favorite guy. Which means I might actually have to watch Lost.

::sigh:: And I've been avoiding it for so long....

Salvando al Soldado Pérez (SAVING PRIVATE PEREZ) -- (7)

2011-09-05T16:09:00.000-07:00

He went for the low-key, quiet daytime look.

This is possibly the silliest anti-war movie ever. I liked it. Let's face it, there isn't much funnier than watching pot-bellied grandpas in boots and polyester Sans-A-Belt slacks running through an Iraq war zone. Well, maybe an sneak attack by an Indio Mexicano as he pops up out of a vat to tomato juice is funnier. Or perhaps watching a drug lord bedeck himself with all the good taste and style of Ceasars Palace in it's heyday and drive around his Wild Kingdom estate in a golf cart while wearing nothing but a bathrobe and a Speedo made out of an Hermes scarf is best. That was pretty funny. But I am usually really amused by clothing so my judgement may be a bit off.

"Our password, our battle cry will be.. TOMATE!"

Anyway, if you've never seen a novella, you won't understand how funny a lot of this stuff is. And if you don't speak Spanish or like to read subtitles, then you'll miss a few of the jokes. Not many jokes, but some of them.

However, don't forget that when you are watching the bullets fly and the machismo posturing and the dramatic music that the Americans are the bad guys. They just up and kill everyone in a terrifyingly clean and perfect way. Drug lords are the GOOD GUYS in this movie. Is it simplistic assessment of current political events? Yup. Does it completely disregard the humanity and compassion of the troops fighting around the globe? Absolutely. Is it hilarious? YES.

Really, those three questions can be asked of a lot of war movies these days. Only SAVING PRIVATE PEREZ can answer all three in the affirmative. Which is like saying "Yeah that guy is a murderous drug lord but he did rescue his POW brother from Iraq..." Dubious morality but a funny film.

CONAN THE BARBARIAN: Brought to you by the letters "V", "R" and the number (4)

2011-08-27T22:23:00.000-07:00

"V" is for surnames which end in "- o" "v"
for the Bulgarian crew and locations you see.

Someone off screen just yelled "Bolen sam!"

"R" is for blood, guts, and violence plenty
and don't forget naked slave girls w/ no panties.

This is a nip-free blog.

"4" is because I liked Conan's skirt,
though if you're wearing fur boots, you should wear a shirt.

Congratulations! By looking at this photo you have seen the full range of Mr. Momoa's acting ability!

Ron Perlman is in it, and that makes me glad.
He C-sectioned his wife and became Conan's dad.

Ron's sword isn't actually on fire. However, he's so cool it might as well be.

The kid who plays Conan is better by far
than Mr. Momoa. That kid is a star.

Run Leo! Save your career!

The bad guys are bad, you can tell by their hair,
and when posing for photos they make quite a pair.

Oh, watch out. She's totally gonna blow sand in your eyes.

Of course there's a girl, and of course she needs saving
She screams "CONAN!" a lot instead of just fainting.

"I'm a monk w/ martial arts training who's far too polite to do anything about that whole sacrifice-the-pureblood-to-the-dark-gods-and-create-an-evil-empire thing yall have planned."

So was the film good? Not even a bit.
I understand now why it isn't a hit.
The shaky-cam fights got silly real quick
and, ignoring the plot of this ridiculous flick,
I can safely say you should watch anything else
than this lazy CONAN THE BARBARIAN mess.

"I hear that Winnie-the-Pooh movie is good. Let's go see that!"

X-MEN: FIRST CLASS (9)

2011-08-24T22:38:00.000-07:00

When mutations go right.

First of all, why didn't anyone tell me!? This movie is really good! Where were the fanboys? Where was the buzz? Why didn't everyone get excited about this movie and tell me to see it before it got to the dollar theater?? I had friends who saw it and said "Oh, I enjoyed it." but no one was running around pounding on doors and yelling in keyholes with the news that this X-Men movie not only didn't suck but is REALLY GOOD! It's all 60's and glamorous and has people who can act AND Hally Berry IS NOT IN IT! It's a win for everyone! Was X MEN: THE LAST STAND so bad that no one likes X Men movies anymore?

......

Oh. Yeah... X3 was really bad....

"My evil secretaries always wear white catsuits. Why?"

Well friends, it's time to put on your big kid underwear and go see FIRST CLASS right now! It has Kevin Bacon in it so it's actually required viewing. You get to meet Beast when he's not the Beast, Magneto before he's Magneto, and Professor X when he's trying to get into co-ed's pants. You get to see how everything started. You even learn how Magneto and Professor X got to be friends and why they are always going on in the other movies about how much they lurv each other and why the other one is wrong. You learn all about Mystique and, listen closely,... Cyclops ISN'T in it.

Super Stripper-power

What? You want more? There's a really groovy African-American man but he dies cause everyone sucks. (Yes I'm bitter.) You get to see things blow up. It's the 60's so everyone has killer style. There are languages other than English in this film and the accents are superb. The bad guy has a yacht which turns into a submarine. There are girls in their underwear in Las Vegas. There is even a Cuban Missile Crisis! What else do you need!

Fine. Wolverine has a cameo. Just see it. It's good.

Not Enough Alcohol In The World: Field Notes from a Star Trek Party

2011-08-15T00:03:00.000-07:00

What: Star Trek Party at The Crown Nightclub, the Rio Casino, Las Vegas Nevada

When: Thursday August 11th, 10:30pm

Objective: To observe the effects of moving one small specialized social group out of their normal environment and into a completely alien social situation.

Common Trekkies

Historical Background: Trekkies (or Trekkers as they are also known) are a specialized sub-group of the standard population. As with any group there are varying degrees of devotion to the icons which the culture reveres but generally all self-selected members of this group have several things in common. Namely

a willingness to watch and be at least moderately familiar with the characters and plot lines of a television show known as "Star Trek" and it's subsequent spin-off shows
tolerance and even appreciation for persons who are willing to change their appearance through clothing and make up to appear like the characters in the above television show
and a tendency to be more comfortable playing games (board, card, electronic) to structure their social interactions.

Uncommon Trekkies

This last common denominator strongly affects the events detailed in the below field notes as The Crown nightclub has no tables for games and an acoustic environment which discourages and even inhibits verbal communication. Since Trekkies generally use gaming to showcase their intelligence or at lease their exhaustive knowledge of specialized trivia, being dropped into an environment where most of the mating information is gained merely by a simple physical display of genetic fitness is bound to cause some stress.

Standard Party-going attire

Entry Into The Event: The Crown nightclub is located in the casino at the Rio resort and casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. Entry into the nightclub is managed by potential customers queueing up between fabricated brass railings until the dark suited security staff deem it appropriate for the next patrons to enter. Typically, for an event of this nature, the official start time of 10:30 pm serves as merely a guideline for patrons, a time point to miss rather than meet. However, most of the Trekkies were early. This group, as a whole, tends to gather at more time-specific events, such as film screenings and lectures from beloved personalities, when being early is to their benefit. Indeed, waiting in line with others who share your excitement for the coming event is experienced as one of the pleasures of the actual event. This was reflected in the crowd outside The Crown, with a noticeable cheerful chatty festival atmosphere shared by everyone. There was lots of admiring the clothing of strangers and posing for photos. I complimented several ensembles myself while waiting for my colleagues to arrive. The "Currently Experiencing Pon Phar" t-shirt worn by a 60+ yr old man made me laugh in particular.

This was the crowd after a LOT of alcohol

The Event: The Crown nightclub is constructed as a series of ringed platforms around a circular dance floor, all of which face a stage area. The ringed platforms all have white couches of moderate length with tables positioned before them. These couches are available for a fee to patrons of the establishment as a home base to the festivities. They also serve as a signal of one's relative wealth and are an excellent place to see and be seen. Typically the couches go unreserved until later in the evening as standard nightclub-goers prefer to be ambulatory and visible, dancing and socializing. Trekkies all claimed their seats as soon as they arrived and the majority of the crowd simply sat and observed the other patrons. This proved somewhat frustrating to the event planners who continued to interrupt the music in order to urge everyone to "get on your feet!", "try something new!", and "get your hands in the air" - typical crowd-rousing calls. These entreaties only garnered some half-hearted cheering and then the majority of the patrons resumed their conversations or wandered off to join others on their couches.

Though this nice Romulan couple tried to dance

The difference in response to this stimuli might be explained in two ways. Firstly, the alcohol factor. Typical nightclub patrons believe alcohol to be a way to release inhibitions and excuse social behavior which is not normative. (see: "The Shore" ) In contrast, Trekkies use alcohol as a way to "relax" or take a brief chemical respite from the stresses of everyday interactions. Because of this difference, no amount of alcohol consumption will ever be enough to prompt the sort of willfully unacceptable behaviour seen at nightclubs. Alcohol only encouraged a stronger sense of settling into those white couches.

The second factor prohibiting the Trekkies from "getting the party started" was this demographics genuine disinterest in the "party" which the event planners were encouraging. Rubbing up on random strangers is far less exciting than discussing the merits of favorite Captains with someone who shares your interest. The typical obsession with the imaginary universe of Star Trek suggests a personality which is far more focused on the intellectual vs the physical and so no amount of encouragement or inebriates will be enough to start the "party."

I was in no way objective when posing for this photo

Summation: It was a fascinating evening and I am glad to have been invited to experience this event. Contrary to my expectations, the Trekkies did not change their patterns of behavior but found a way to change the environment to suit their needs. This happening has inspired me to begin research on the doctoral dissertation titled "Taking the Magic Out of the Magic Kingdom: Pin Trading at Disneyland." Pin traders are another subculture which proves that you can take the nerd to a party but you can't make them have fun.

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES --

2011-08-07T21:22:00.000-07:00

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES gets an 8 for not sucking.

So, Andy Serkis has to be the most famous and accomplished actor who's face I don't actually recognize. We went to see this movie 'cause my brother-in-law LOVES the Planet of the Apes movies and this one was actually pretty good. I had no idea that WETA did all the simians and that Andy Serkis played Caesar until the credits rolled. Not surprisingly I liked it much more than the Marky Mark reboot from 2001 (which is called PLANET OF THE APES).

COWBOYS VS ALIENS -- (8)

2011-08-07T20:50:00.000-07:00

COWBOYS VS ALIENS -- gets an 8 for not being super predictable. Two of those points are awarded because the characters continue to shoot aliens with their revolvers even though it is about as effective as shooting a bear with a .22 rifle. Which is to say it might EVENTUALLY work but it's a bad/scary idea when the monster is running you down... and yet people would do it anyway when it's the only thing they have.

Four obsessive things about COWBOYS VS ALIENS:
which, by the way, I enjoyed after my sister stopped yelling "Dobby!"

whenever she saw Daniel Crag.

1. The sound of his voice
I, unkindly, cannot help but obsess over Daniel Craig's accent. Every time the man opens his mouth I wait for him to mess something up or try to detect any minuscule sounds which make it seem false. I'm not normally this big of a jerk. I ignore Christian Bale's lisp, have no problem watching all of Dick Van Dyke's Disney movies, and enjoy House without waiting for the brilliant Mr. Laurie to be anything less than perfect. Mr Craig, however, just doesn't sound true. And before you can go all Pontius Pilate on me (http://bible.cc/john/18-38.htm) I am totally serious about this. His American accent sounds about as sincere as your average Josh Groban joint -- which is to say not very sincere at all. (Though, to be fair, Mr Groban was pretty sincere when he sang this.)

2. Parental relationships

Harrison Ford is in this movie and he manages to have the worst son in history. Like a creepy psychopathic shooting-up-people-for-fun kind of a kid. This is strange because for the rest of the movie you are shown that his character isn't really all that bad a father -- as long as you are okay with him teaching kids how to kill things with knives.   In fact, we get a glowing testimonial as to his ability to be a good father (to someone he thinks he ignored) so it makes his failure with his own son that much more interesting.

I just read this article (How To Land Your Kids In Therapy) the other day and my favorite line from it was "If a therapist is telling you to pay less attention to your kid’s feelings, you know something has gotten way of out of whack.” It makes me wonder if the character of Harrison Ford's son was written as what happens if someone with PTSD raises a kid around a lot of weaponry or if it actually might be a reflection of some of the young adults we are seeing around us.   Something to think about, anyway.

3. The way it looked
There were an awful lot of shots of Mr Craig's backside. Seriously, half of the movie was spent looking at his posterior. This is not a bad thing. I just think it's kinda funny. Also funny was the way he and Harrison Ford ran away from an explosion/collapsing tunnel and the only damage was a few shirt buttons (the better to see your naked chest, Daniel m'dear...) Olivia Wilde looks funky in pioneer-ish clothing, particularly when she's wearing Slash's hat.
I also discovered that it's kind of unsettling to see so much of the aliens. I think I have gotten used to a lot of shadows and rain covering any computer-generated life forms because it hides the falseness better. The aliens in COWBOYS VS ALIENS were running around in dusty hot desert sunshine and it was kind of horrible to be able to see them.   Somehow the way their muscles bunched as they ran and the impact of bullets pushing them in different directions was worse when you could see everything well. I think the fact that the aliens were so meaty was also a change.

I'm used to precise robot-like aliens (like in the 2009 movie HIGH PLAINS INVADERS which happens to have the exact same plot!) which are much more detached and somehow less scary.

I also noticed how the lighting changed from overexposed yellow and shadowy browns to a clear bright white once everyone decided to be the "good guys" and work together to destroy the aliens. It was very SERENITY.

4. Westerns and character development:
Did you ever see SHANE? Or the film SEVEN SAMURAI by Akira Kurosawa? Both of those films have an odd sort of conflict in them. They preach this "if we all work together we are stronger" principle and yet it takes the sacrifice of one to actually make this idea work. In these films as well as COWBOYS VS ALIENS, it's only the supporting cast who show any character development. The hero destined to die doesn't actually change, or even need changing. Apparently they all just do what they gotta do to get the job done and leave change, progress, and evolution to the folks they left behind.

TRANSFORMERS 3 -- by my sister caroline

2011-08-02T20:40:00.000-07:00

I saw TRANSFORMERS 3 this past Friday. It was just like the previous two
movies, just with a different girl.

First two movies:

Girl who knows how to work on a car

Third movie:

Girl who allegedly knows how to get out of a car

Ken Jeong is amazing!

Like my village bicycle/ man-whore coworker said, “they just switched one bad actress for another”

What was a pleasant surprise, and makes the 3 hr movie bearable, is the scene stealing Asian dude from The Hangover. He is awesome! Just go for him, if nothing else. Seriously. It’s worth it.

John Malkovich, is in this too. He’s crazy as usual. He does a great job as a D-bag boss. You think he’s done with his cameo, but then he pops up again, and its fun to watch him play with Bumblebee. They wrestle around and you think Bumblebee is about to kill him, but they’re just playing. Then you realize it’s probably all on a green screen, then you realize how amazing that really was.

Patrick Demsey, (Dr Mcdreamy) is the bad guy. But a nice loveable one.

So…

"That's Mr. Professor Doctor Ken Jong to you!"

Go if only for Ken Jeong. Really. He’s that awesome. Then call me.

THE SMURFS: A (HUGE) Steaming Pile of Smurf -- by Nat Hall

2011-07-30T15:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Snooden,

I have taken it upon myself to send you my review of the Smurf movie since said movie would probably not be seen by anybody else unless their 4 year old daughter was extra good and used her cuteness to sucker a parent into to taking her... Please use this as the title:

A (HUGE) Steaming Pile of Smurf.

This movie sucked the smurfing life out of me. I wasn't hip to it in the first place because it had Neil Patrick Harris as a star. I have nothing against the smurffer 'cept the fact that I missed the memo saying he is our "go-to guy" when the script was going to be the smurfingest stinker of a script. I am not saying that he is not a funny guy but he is only funny in 10-15 minutes at a time. Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog? 15 min episodes. Harold and Kumar movies? 10 minutes at MOST. How I Met Your Smurfing Mother? He is PART of cast of 20 in a 30 minute episode...so screen time is what?? Maybe 5 minutes?? HELLO did we forget about Doogie Howser??? Seriously is that now the man about whom we are going to say "Smurf it! That man can carry a smurfing movie!"

Katy Perry: Not Embarrassed. Smurfette: Embarrassed for her

Since we are on the smurfing subject, why wasn't anybody other than Katie Perry not embarassed to smurf to the world that they were voicing these little blue Smurfers? I would shamefully cash in that smurfing check as well but good for them for not exploiting the fact and smurf their careers. Except for NPH and Tim Gunn. Did I say Tim Gunn?? Oh.My.Smurf! Time Gunn turns to NPH and says "That can't be a good sign." OMS(murf)!!! I was smurfing the same thing! When you have to use "Make it Work" just to get me to cluck in a movie that is smurfing low. I was seriously smurfing pissed that my smurfing fashionista was using this smurfing terrible situation to use those inspiring words that I often hear when I'm up smurf creek without a paddle. (It's also the only line in the whole movie that tells you where this movie is going and what the audience is thinking.) What's next???

It would have been more entertaining if they were busy blowing rainbows out of their smurfs instead of them going around smurfing everybody up the smurf. Actually that is what I felt like, because I was seriously the biggest steaming pile of smurf.

So basically I sat my fat smurf in an uncomfortable seat for far too long and was not happy about it even though my 4 year-old thought it was just ok. Are you smurfing kidding me??? My smurfing 4 year old thought it was just okay. Although with Tim Gunn in the picture I know she too had higher hopes. I might as well have burned the smurfing wad of cash that I spent on that Smurfing turd. It wouldn't have been as smelly either.

So in conclusion you would be better off without smurfing this smurfety movie. Smurf them!

Editor's Note:

This movie also has a cameo by Joan Rivers. While 9 out of 10 Joan Rivers scientist agree that The Smurf Movie could in no way help her career, that tenth guy pointed out that letting small children become familiar with her face now

will help them to accept her (and buy her products) more successfully later when she looks like this:

Watch out for Ms River's Miracle Spray-On Moisture Skin and Stretching Rack to be featured exclusively on QVC! (Product will be available in 2032.)

THE SEASON OF THE WITCH & RED RIDING HOOD

2011-07-28T22:46:00.000-07:00

THE SEASON OF THE WITCH and RED RIDING HOOD both get a (5) because I couldn't actually pay attention to either of them. They both might actually merit a different score (higher or lower) but I can't be bothered to watch them again.

I rented these movies because they looked like the perfect thing to ignore while converting these:

into these:

You know, like one does.

Which is to say that while I'm a bit squiffy on the intricate plot details, I certainly managed to form an opinion in spite of all the paint fumes and hot glue burns.

SEASON OF THE WITCH is set during the Crusades and the Plague and has a witch and Nicholas Cage, blah blah blah. What you really need to know is it has this guy:


Ron Perlman

If you don't know him right away you may recognize him as this guy:

"Didn't I kill you already?"

or, for all you Airbender kids out there, this guy:

"You WILL learn respect!"

Is this movie over yet?

Basically Ron Perlman is the man so I was happy to see him. He's pretty much the only bright spot in a very dim film. I expected this movie to be a basic horror flick but there was a surprising amount of sword fighting and junk like that. Nick Cage does his (now-standard) Droopy Dog act, we had to be introduced to characters whom were so covered in dirt as to be interchangeable, and it was a huge relief when the demons finally showed up so the mess could be over. Of course there was the obligatory "The Church is horrible!" theme running through the whole thing.

Your outfit is more glamorous than mine! Die!

Really, one can't NOT have someone with entirely modern sensibilities standing around in the 1300's and pointing out that the Crusades were appalling and killing random women for causing a plague is a dumb idea. (Well, unless she's Typhoid Mary.) If they didn't have someone making commentary on all the horror or demanding that an accused witch "receive a fair trial." (Did those even exist in the 14th century?) then there's a chance someone somewhere might decide that going to a middle eastern country and killing everyone because they don't believe the same things you believe is a really good idea. (Um, it's not.)

So, ho hum, this movie happened, and if you want to see more Ron Perlman just wait 'till August. He's gonna be in the new Conan movie! (Yay!)

RED RIDING HOOD was a TWILIGHT wannabe starring Amanda Seyfried and some other alleged eye candy. They even got the dad from the TWILIGHT series to be the dad in this movie. Everyone was suspiciously clean and attractive and "Valerie" was the most special special snowflake in a teeny tiny town. She is so special, in fact, that the "hot" woodcutter dangerous (wolf)boy and the "rich" quiet not-very-muscular-for-being-a-blacksmith boring guy are competing over her. She has snarky friends, creepy family connections, a hot red cloak, and nothing to worry about except for an arranged marriage until the.. wait for it.. the RED MOON COMES!! Ah-ooooo!!!! (That was a wolf howl. They're hard to spell.)

Luckily Gary Oldman shows up right about then to A) explain what a red moon means, B) cackle delightedly as the townspeople are murdered by a werewolf, and C) slow-roast unwilling mentally impaired witnesses. So, you know, your average middle-ages purple-dress-wearing warrior-priest. Everyone is naturally appalled at his behavior and eventually he gets what's coming to him but not before a lot of shouting, sneering, and pseudo-science.

Of course the the boys rescue her from the wolf, grandma gets eaten, and they almost have sex next to a blazing fire in a barn full of dry hay, but other than that it's pretty normal. Well, normal in a TWILIGHT way.

The overall production value was on par with a really good Xena:Warrior Princess episode. (Or, if you prefer something more manly, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys starring Kevin Sorbo.) The wolf was about as good as a TWILIGHT wolf. I did like that the girls in the village had period-appropriate (aka "ugly") hair compared to her. I always love to see the first rule of period costuming followed: "Make the leading lady hot. Ignore every bit of the 200 hours of historical costuming research you just did and MAKE HER HOT!!"

Since I don't much like Ms Seyfried, this seems like a lot of work. She looks like this:

and she reminds me of this:

I rest my case.

Captain America: a Rebuttal -- by my sister Caroline

2011-07-24T22:41:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'd like to defend my "That was really good" statement as Natalie so nicely pointed out and mocked.

Yes, she has a point in that this movie is TOTALLY ridiculous in the "it's big, it's small, it's big again!" consistency aspect.

Besides the magical pants (they turned into tight & short capri's on the buff guy), towards the end our military looked like they were all dressed in Desert Storm white and tan camo. (Weird, since the rest of the movie,it looked like everything was green, or brown? Did we run out of regular camo or what?) But other than that, the costuming was good; well, maybe not good as in award winning, but it was pretty. For the majority of the time, it seemed to flow with the 40s theme.

Speaking of 40s themed movies, remember Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow? That movie sucked. This one didn't

I've seen my share of pooptastic movies. Just off the top of my head, some of the poopiest movies: The Book of Mormon Movie Part I (Sister Rose the head costumer, fresh off a church gym roadshow, apparently had personal issues against irons and/or ironing, or anything not on the Walmart dollar fabric bin, or found at garage sales, or stolen from the camping gear closet. I could almost see the gluestick glue holding crap together.)

Then there's everyone's fav to hate: Glitter, (if you haven't seen this, it's a must, to establish a baseline of badness) and more recently, Bridesmaids. (Tirade on this to follow shortly) In comparison to these and other pooperific shows, Captain America "was really good". It was fun. It was campy. It was superhero movie and since I have never, nor will ever care to read the comic, I'm ok with any departures they may or may not have taken from the source material. I didn't hate myself for watching it. I knew going in that it's not Masterpece Theater. It is a popcorn movie. Of course it was cheesy. Of course I have to suspend belief. Isn't that why we go to the movies in the first place, to suspend belief? Didn't we do that in Transformers 1&2, and tell ourselves Megan Fox could act? (Running, screaming, mouth breathing, flipping the hair, bending over with her bum towards the camera... wow, I think I know what her audition tape was like.) (Oops. Did I just say that out loud?) And won't we do it again for Transformers 3? Summer movies are not about reality, they are about an escape from reality and by that measure Captain America WAS "really good."

Captain America -- as dictated by my sister who refuses to suspend disbelief

2011-07-21T23:09:00.000-07:00

PLEASE NOTE: this entire entry is a spoiler.

I don't care how you start it. It's not my blog. I don't blog

It was the most stupid movie ever. It made no sense. None. Oh, well, yeah, it made sense ‘cause there was a plot or something but NONE of that crap was even possible. Like, hello physics!

And there's no point in even playing 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon because EVERYONE is in this movie. It's over. Like, really? Really Tommy Lee Jones? And the girl had a British accent for no good reason. She was an "agent" … of what? Who knows…

And then there was Hugo Weaving doing an Arnold impersonation. If I closed my eyes I would swear... 1989 Arnold-- not the governator Arnold, terminator Arnold. All of these little cute Nazis speaking with Austrian accents ‘cause that’s what Germans do. Speak English with an Austrian accent.
So stupid.

He’s a sad sad USO officer performing for the troops in Italy when all of a sudden the girl shows up with the 110th. “Oh! my buddy is in the 110th.” Really? That’s a surprise? So ridiculous. Then Tommy Lee Jones shows up and now he's in charge of the 110th. Really? Like that would just happen when he was in R&D just a few months ago? Tommy Lee says “Oh yeah, 110th just got their asses kicked. They got captured. We left 400 guys behind enemy lines” Captain America says “Whataya gonna do about it?” and Tommy Lee says “We’re gonna leave em there! We‘d kill more men then we‘d save.”

So Captain steals a girl helmet from a USO girl, which is of course real cause USO girls get real helmets, and then is on a plan being flown by Mr Stark. He stole a plane? How did they get in the air? 30 miles somewhere behind enemy lines he jumps out of the plane under fire and the girl just stands there silhouetted in the doorway bullets flying everywhere. Girl is definitely too stupid to live.

He then magically finds a honking huge factory making bombs, which just happens to be the base for HYDRA. And the bad guys.. that' the best icon you can come up with?

The Regretsy octopus?

Steam punk octopus is so ten minutes ago. So stupid. It was ridiculous. Yeah…
His friend happens to be there too. Only one guard on prisoners. Everyone has pulse weapons but no one can hit anything... with pulse weapons. Pulse weapons that disintegrate everything. So Stormtrooper. He frees the prisoners who now somehow have guns and no one picks up pulse weapons.

Then bad guy rips off his face in a Mission Impossible way. Lovely. Really? So stupid. It was during the little mano a mano scene that happens on the catwalk. When Captain America showed up the bad guy started the self-destruct sequence but then he wandered around for ten minutes while things exploded. Oh yeah, he used regular explosives to blow up it up. Not this superior tech lying around, No. Pulse weapons everywhere and he used crap dynamite to blow up all the blue lasers. Right. Just ridiculous.

So there the good guys all are, 30 miles behind enemy lines, in a tank, and all 400 guys survive in spite of pulse weapons, and next we see Tommy Lee Jones dictating a letter about how everyone is dead when they show up at allied camp... Girl runs out and says “You’re late.” It’s morning and he’s late? Yeah… I’m pretty sure it took more than 4 hours to walk 30 miles through enemy checkpoints.

Then it just goes downhill from there.. the nonsense just keeps going.

Seriously, I had to stop talking because it was so ridiculous. I wouldn’t' have shut up the last 20 min. So stupid. A huge boomerang-shaped plane, huge, massive, with 4 huge propellers AND 2 big flame jets/ afterburners... Which they decide to chase with a CAR. The scale of the plane keeps changing -- it's big, it's small, it's big, it's small right? So Hagrid. Make up your mind.... So they are chasing it and his magical vibranium shield protected him from being decapitated. Magic size-changing propellers vs. Magical boomeranging vibranium shield. It’s supposed to have no ricochet so it’s obviously called vibranium... That’s there with unobtanium but right below it on the bullshit periodic table of magical substances

Kills me no one would touch the pulse weapons. No one. We couldn't possibly stop and pick up a weapon on the way, no.... Did we bring one back for research? No. We don't need your Nazi tech. We're good. We kill with bullets.

Anyway, he's on the plane in the bomber deck and sees missiles which are labeled Boston, Philly, and New York. Really? They're German. Yeah Germans might label missiles but they wouldn't do it in English. Then he's fighting drones on the plane but do any of them stop and say Alert! Intruder! Alarm!? Nope. Then it turns out these super duper bombs were actually little planes. He got onto one of them and it dropped out the plane and Behold! it’s a bomb with a cockpit and a back propeller! A bad guy looses his grip and gets sucked through the propeller.. which made no impact on the actual function of the plane. No, that wouldn't dent a rotor at all.

So then he pulled himself from the back, opened the cockpit, ejected the pilot, who missed the rotor this time, climbs into the cockpit, which now has no seat but never mind, and then he Death Stars it. Shoots the missile right up the cooter of the massive wing plane the bad guy is in, gets out, and goes upstairs to have a 20 min conversation with the bad guy... All this time the bad guy isn't concerned. He’s filing his nails, watching Captain America on CCTV with his 40's equiptment while en rout to NYC by way of the Artic circle. It's so stupid.
So he gets to the main deck, a huge open soundstage which is allegedly the main cockpit of this plane, and he charges up to the one seat up front and Surprise! the bad guy is hiding behind the door -- like they do. They have a big talk-off then they kinda fight and then the bad guy, who is now The Mask,

smacks Captain America w his own shield, which is embarrassing, and shoots him with a cute pulse gun, which only makes a tiny hole in the window...

Oh, by the way, at the very beginning when he's running barefoot and half naked in his magical pants through NYC he totally busts through a plate glass window. He was totally fine. I’m pretty sure they didn’t have safety glass in the 1940's. No one gets hurt with any glass ever. Oh yeah. Yeah. So stupid.

Magical pants.
He's super hot in his magical pants. Because the 9 year old body double he was before...
Who puts someone in a huge pressure cooker/tanning bed with woolen pants and a belt on? Really? I’m pretty sure those don't stretch for shit. Pretty sure when he wakes up and is all buff, a 9 year old's pants aren't gonna fit. Ridiculous.
Stupid.

So he fights with the dude.. oh the whole super sphere tech is some cubiform which The Mask got in the beginning. That was a stupid side plot which took up 5 min at the beginning. So they’re fighting... Oh, by the way, this huge room happens to have this generator with the Cube of Thor in it. So when Captain Miracle Pants throws a 200 lb bad guy onto this generator, it magically injures the Thor conductor unlike anything else they've managed to do to this plane so far.

So it gets damaged. So he's right there on it, right? So Mask picks it up in his hand... and he melts half way, the plane somehow goes clear, goes trans-dimensional, suddenly there is the Milky Way, somehow Baddie was gone and there is a huge pulse of light. We don't know where he went. Perhaps he became the red skin guy in Green Lantern? right? Ha.
So stupid.

Yeah, so he's gone. And he drops the cube of Thor ‘cause when you get shot into space you'd leave that shit behind. Whatever. Getting teleported…. So, the cube of Thor melts through the plane and drops somewhere in Iceland. Captain already killed 5 dudes downstairs, bad guy is gone, so is by himself in a huge plane which is "going too fast towards New York!" Yeah. Too fast to land. Girl takes over air flight control, kicks everyone out for some reason, then he tells her he can't stop it in time to land.. “I’ll take it into the ocean..” ‘Cause that's the only fucking way you can get that plane out of the sky? I’m pretty sure there's a field somewhere he can land it in. Try Canada. They've got room. But no, taking it into the ocean is the only thing he can do.

Anyway, he talks to the girl, yeah... takes the plane down magically in 2 minutes into a huge snow pile which happens to be the Arctic Circle somehow... and she's talking to him and it goes scratchy and then he cuts out.

Tragic. She never got to have her little dance with him. What. Ever. So ridiculous.

So, get this.. if the guys from Mythbusters, if Adam and Jamie can land a plane only with instructions from air traffic control on a first try with no experience flying planes at all, I’m pretty sure that crashing into the Arctic Circle wasn't his only option
So stupid. Like, Really?

Yeah. And then he wakes up and he’s in some room and it's all 40's and stuff and he’s lying in a bed and he's like “Wait! I know that baseball game!” So he busts through the soundstage wall, cause obviously he knew it was one? and proceeds to run his way from the 8th floor through the elevators out to Times Square, because OF COURSE he’s being kept a block from Times Square and not in a containment center in Iceland. So they scramble a bunch of Prius-looking Acuras and surround him in Times Square while he does a 360 gawk. No tire squealing, no wrecks, just quiet polite NYC traffic, right? Then Samuel fucking L. Jackson comes out to say, “We just wanted you to be comfy when you woke up. You gonna be okay man?” and he says “Yeah…”

Then roll credits and the credits were better than the movie.

We waited through every single credit. the key grips, the 3d cutout people, everyone's assistants, hairdressers, assistants to the caterers, union symbols... .and at the very end a sign pops up that says

Captain America can next be seen in The Avengers.

The whole theater yelled BOO!!!!
SO LAME.

It was beautiful. Beautiful 3D. Did a good a good job with the CGI making him a 10 year old. Made his face skinny. Wasn't creepy. They did a good job. But it wasn't, what do you call that, the uncanny valley. No. It wasn't either for The Mask but that was mostly just makeup. They did a very good job. Kudos to the Foley on that one. 3D was really pretty. Everything was in depth. There wasn't just one thing which poked you in the eye like they normally do. Only once. The hood ornament on the bad guy's car was a Regretsy octopus that jumped out and poked you in the eye. Sharktapus!

Yeah…. Caroline was like “that was really good!” really?

I do love Stanley Tucci though. And Hugo with his Arnold Swartzenegger accent...

And I am SO GLAD he did not get the girl. Now he's an 80 year old virgin.. HA!