Camp Patton

This is 30

2013-06-18T17:22:00.003-05:00

Well, not for several weeks but we're gun jumpers as you well know. And don't fret - this isn't going to be a feel goody good "bring it on, 30!!" nor will it be a nostalgia ridden adieu to my 20's because ... who cares.

We went out this weekend with another couple for some drinks and some laughs and some fun on Friday night. It was great. I had to pry Sebastian off my leg, throw him into the sitters arms, and sprint out of the house in my wedges because the kid decided to time his short (short!!) stint as "mama's boy" to fall right when it would hit me where it almost hurt. No guilt trips here, Bash. We spend so much time together that I'm scared I'm going to start saying "piss" out in public instead of "please" just like you do. Well, actually, your version is more of a real quick, "pisspiss!!" with a head nod but I don't think I'd go that far before someone's cockeye burned me good.

I did not want to suffer the wrath of any sort of hangover so I was sure to hydrate like a guppy headed for a life of landlocked all day Friday. I gave myself pep talks about drinking water in between drinks even though I've never ever had the self control to do that sort of silly thing but still ... I believe in my future self, sometimes. We got to the first bar where I enjoyed a sugary mixed drink (fine! it was a Cosmo but has anyone ordered one of those in the last six years?! I froze, I know) and then ordered a .... water. Good Grace. At the second bar I had one delicious mojito and then cut myself off. Two drinks ... one giant water and you know how I felt when Sebastian started cock-a-doodling at 6:30 on Saturday morning? Like death. Like oven fried death. All day. Simon had a lot more drinks than I did and felt fine. Or he's a liar but ... he did hours of yardwork in the buh-lazing sun so ... I think he felt a lot less deathy than his whiff did.

slit eyes don't lie though ...

Simon made his requisite joke when we got carded at the first place about how Costco cards should double as ids because who in their right mind under the age of 21 would be toting one of those bad boys around? Funny because it's true and it wasn't my joke.

While getting ready to go out I ran a few outfits by Simon and the denim shorts didn't cut it because he thought they might be too casual. The pink pants didn't work because I deemed them way too, "oh, what color is that spray paint on your legs? fuchsia or is it more of a magenta?". I was frustrated because 5.5 months postpartum does not a fun body make (I'll only play the postpartum card for .5 more months ... swear) so I texted my New Mexican bff for help. We settled on some pleated and cuffed white longish shorts that I'm pretty sure my mom would've rocked in the early 90s when she was in her 31-year-old prime. Don't worry Bettina - I'll never be able to rock the pixie like you did - and I'll never ever ever try. It turns out that fancy pants Simone was wrong as we sat next to a lady wearing a t-shirt and capri sweat pants so ... his advice rights are revoked. Forever.

But I think Tara's dress trumped my t-shirt so ... she wins.

At the second and final bar I weaseled my way through the dance floor to get to the bathroom. I'm no stranger to a little glow stick miming, interpretive dancing, and top 40 remixing but I'll admit that a fish out of water felt more comfortable than I did on my sojourn to and from the stalls. As we were walking out and paused to wait for the guys to make use of the facilities I caught my eyes darting all over the room ... weirdly worried that the young women might fall victim to a little sneaky something slipped into their drinks by any of the male patrons - which was ridiculous but ...... I'm fun.

On Monday morning I let my iPod drift into the bowels of an old playlist and ran to a little Chamillionaire. Riding/running/speedwalking dirty. When I dove into the nearest driveway, crouched, and cringed all in the same second as soon as the song turned into a (fake - of course) loud automobile accident and I was sure me and my cargo were going to be killed on the spot but soon realized my headphones were the bearer of simulated news ... I grabbed my heart off my foot and had a good chuckle at my own geriatric expense.

Sebastian just tricked me into letting him sit on Julia's little potty where he promptly took aim and saturated my right foot, shoe included. All I want for my birthday + anniversary + Christmas is a new set of measuring cups and measuring spoons because making bran muffins and measuring ingredients by the 1/3 cup and 1/8 tsp is gettin ril old.

So, this is 30 and this is parenthood and this is mostly okay.

I think.

Conversations with Julia

2013-06-17T16:33:00.000-05:00

After I built a tower of canned goods ...
Julia: good job wittle Grace!

After getting into a screaming match with Bash over a doll ...
Simon: Julia, you need to learn to share with Sebastian
Julia: okay
Simon exits the room
Julia: Bash, you need to learn to share with ME

and earlier in the week ...
Simon: Julia, you have to share with Bash
Julia: But I just want to share with me.

While getting her dressed ...
Grace: will you hand me that shirt over there?
Julia: um, excuse me?
Grace:
Julia: I don't see a shirt - just a tank top
Grace:

After dinner ...
Grace: no more food tonight, that ship as sailed.
Julia: but what KIND of shit was it?

Three steps into a twenty step walk to the car ...
Julia: sigh this is SO many walks
Grace:

On her affinity for sugary chewy gummy bear vitamins after she fell and "skimmed" her knee ...
Grace: do you think you're going to make it?
Julia: break from dramatic screams ... I just need a bitamin to fix it
Grace: okay
Julia: sniffle well, two bitamins sniffle two of the pink ones

After spilling an entire canister of formula on the sly she came to me with her confession ...
Julia: I made a mess
Grace: okay, where?
Julia: it's not my fault
Grace:
Julia: and it was not an accident

After she watched Theo squint into the sun in the stroller as I put a hat on him ...
Julia: if it's too bright for you baby Theo you can just go back in your mommy's tummy
Theo:
Julia: okay? okay.

a tender moment shared ...
Grace: I love you Julia
Julia: And I just love to watch Dora

I caught her cradling a very fragile ballerina figurine from my grandma ...
Grace: please go put that back where you found it
Julia: but she's so happy to see me!

While watching her crawl into a cupboard ...
Grace: What are you doing?
Julia: just going on an adbenture
Grace: oh, cool
Julia: yep. and I WON'T be careful.

While reading a book about Christmas ...
Julia: And those are snowman balls?
Grace: snowballs, yes.

After raiding my purse and dramatically unwrapping a tampon ...
Julia: here's your wipstick, Bash

As she walked into me very stupidly and optimistically trying on an old pair of (too small) swimsuit bottoms ...
Julia: Oh! Is that MY wittle swimsuit?
Grace: Get out

And per Sarah's request (and I only ever aim to please up in here) a 48 second clip of the Magic Huckles ... (don't mind her awesome hair day - she gets it from me)

Magic Huckles from grace patton on Vimeo.

Giveaway: Two Erica Anenberg Sutton Totes

2013-06-16T17:24:00.000-05:00

My friends are years upon years more fashion savvy than I can ever hope to be. Ever. And one of the most effortless fashionistas that I keep in my treasure trove of compadres is definitely Caitlin. In fact, she gave Julia the cutest polka dotted hoodie over a year ago and Julia has to stuff her little thorax into it sausage casing style but it remains her absolute favorite. Caitlin visited last spring and the second she popped in the car fresh off the plane from DC I got all weird and stare happy at her purse. She couldn't help but notice my drool covered chin and explained that she had an extra in her cube at work that I could have. And in exchange I offered her 4-month-old Sebastian - she politely declined. Which was weird.

Anyway ... here's the deal. These bags retail for $395 which is a lot of lettuce BUT she saw that they were selling them for $68 on ~~Good Morning America~~ (I stand corrected - sorry Cait!) The Today Show (several months ago and she snagged one. One of the short handles kept coming off so she let the company know and long story short - she now has 3 extra damaged bags (well 2 - since she gave one to me!). I made a little video yesterday to show you the damage and how it only affects the bag's aesthetic and what a funion I can be on film ...

behold.

I get a lot of emails asking about the bag and I always tell Caitlin and so she told me to "rafflecopter them off but to PLEASE be upfront that these are damaged goods" so .... they are damaged but they still work and I will never ever ever buy a diaper bag as long as this purse shall live because it is as close to a Mary Poppins bag that I will ever come.

So!

I know. Dumb. But Theo is kick-kick-kicking in my lap and that's my excuse even though it's a bad one .

Best of luck! Roll an ankle!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

7 Quick Takes

2013-06-14T16:37:00.003-05:00

Linking up with Jennifer over at Conversion Diary. You know how I do.

1. When I was little (but old enough to remember so maybe ... 10? ... so medium age) we had just outgrown the minivan and had graduated to a suburban (before we saw the light and upgraded to the 15 passenger) but hadn't sold the minivan yet. You follow?

Okay well my mom strapped us all into the suburban for a fun trip to Allsup's to get slushies or something because she was a fun mom (a trait I did not inherit) and then ran back into the house to grab something ... came back out ... popped into the minivan and went down to the gas station (literally down the street -- we lived in a small small small town - don't judge her too harshly) and didn't realize she was alone until she parked. I didn't understand that kind of spacey until last night when I went to the store alone to buy trash bags and came home with no trash bags but ingredients to make bran muffins. The kids - they suck the brain dry.

2. Part II of Kate's love story is up and it is thee best. (Even Simon read part I and admitted that he couldn't wait for part dos). Git.

3. I know I always sing the praises of this hair powder but the regular grocery store sells this stuff now and it's a lot cheaper (in the store! online it appears to be more expensive - riddle me that) and does the same thing. In case you're in the market for a good hair powder if your hair is limp and boring like mine.

4. I think two people liked my first running playlist so of course that encouraged DJ Grase to make another. It's bad. Akon, Tiesto, and a little Flaming Lips for your cooldown. Real bad.

5. I know there are a lot of giveaways that go down here at el Camp and this weekend I'll be adding to the pile but I think you'll like. It's not one of my children but ... even better.

And they are a hard thing to top.

6.

I know you want a pretty boy update so I'm happy to report that he finally rolled from front to back -- once. He won't repeat but at this rate he'll be crawling in approximately 12-18 months which is just fine with this stage mom. I hate the crawling stage.

7. We got a sitter for tonight (Julia is going to be sorely disappointed when George the Dragon doesn't show up at 7:30 because that is exactly how she translated "Jordan the babysitter") and so we're going to responsibly drink alcohol and revel in the fact that Simon is not at the hospital. Maybe I'll even trick Simon into cutting a rug. We'll see.

Have a wild one.
I know how you are and I know that you will.

Hasta.

housewife gone wild

2013-06-13T16:28:00.000-05:00

I'm not having a bad day. At all. Really. Just another one of those days that I merely set out to do a few loads of laundry, unpack from the 2 day trip we returned from 4 days ago, and run to the store but the kids - the kids always have other plans. I'd love to hatch into the lost vortex of time that is our mornings and see what gets done because I think it'd just be a long list of, " -------------------------------- who -------------------------- knows ----------------"

So! I don't have anything to write (blog! everyone knows blogging does not a writer make) about today so I'll just give a rundown of the day thus far because this is a space with standards.

I microwaved a tub of butter this morning instead of the intended bowl of oatmeal. Well, Smart Balance. Really? I know - about as exciting and unheard of as the ever hilarious left my cellie in the fridge trick. It refrigerated right back to its native and solid state so ... who cares.

The living room is crawling with ants (I don't know why but I suspect it has to do with the frequency of both my mopping + the kids drifting from the table like the Goops that they are) so I busted out my favorite Pinterest concotch.

Simon is, of course, FAR more worried about the smell than the enemy invaders.

I've tried feeding Theo rice cereal a few times and he goes into straight up Fort Knox mode ... hates. I put on my most sing songy voice and gave him some avocado today and he tolerated. Grace-led weaning and all dat.

Kate's love story is motivating me to start retyping ours. Why I'm not starting today is a mystery for the not quite motivated enoughs.

It is an all day struggle not to watch Scandal but now Simon is kind of into it so I feel bad watching without him. I mean bad enough that I only watch 1.5 episodes before he gets home from work while I glare at Jillian and yodel at the kids scaling my legs. Nice wives finish first.

I mustered the courage to go to the regular grocery store with the kids. I put on my swimsuit cover to fool the masses into thinking it was a dress and these new shoes ...

that may as well be Kork-Ease because they feel downright orthotic but look notit. But then I started thinking about just taking one kid to the store tonight while Simon watched the other two and that thought shined bright and I couldn't quite shake it so ... courageous lioness put on her finest fur fur nothing. The fur/for pun/joke was dumb. Leaving it because someone that types those sorts of things doesn't deserve the privilege of the delete.

Every single time I look at this ...

I smile. Wide.

There has been a child throwing serious tantrums over at the neighbors house on and off all day and tantrums that do not belong to my children are music to my ears not because I'm heartless but because it's not my fight + it makes me feel like maybe my kids are sort of normal + my kids go into wide eyed and listen mode. Cry on, little stranger.

Aaaaaaaaand Tweedledum and Tweedleteeth are awake ...

... and ready to get ripped with Jillian.

Off we enthusiastically sprint.

Instavida + Clickables Mashup

2013-06-12T17:24:00.003-05:00

Going the sort of lazy route today as the trip to Costco completely took it out of me and I forgot the one thing I set out to get ... trash bags ... (but did I get Cheetos and popsicles and a hot dog + diet coke combination? of course!) so I'll be going back tomorrow or braving the regular person's store with all three kids .... which is generally filed under - "I'd rather eat a spoonful of mayonnaise than do that" (and my level of loathe for mayonnaise .... it knows no bounds).

Some linkage for you:

Julia's been obsessed with her "magic huckles" lately. I have no idea what those are but she carries them everywhere, sleeps with them, FREAKS if Bash looks in their direction, and claims they are in two cans of tomato paste (labels removed). I'm like, "yay!! imagination!!" and I really hope she turns out to be half as imaginative and creative as Ana's girls. Hope and pray - every single day.

Jenny's been killing it over on her blog lately but I especially loved this post. Loved. If I grow up to turn phrases half as well as she does ... I'll be thrilled.

Janssen admits her husband was right and rocks some serious plaid that I am more than seriously coveting. Watch your back, J.

I have yet to meet Kayla in real life but I have a feeling if and when I do she might renege on the nicest post in the history of nice posts she wrote about the Camp earlier today. Bless her. Seriously.

I'm SO excited for Paige because she just wrote her first book. I haven't quite finished it but it's riddy riddy good and hilarious and relatable and I'll gush all about it in a post of its own very soon.

Okay onto the snores ... that I know you can already see via slideshow on this blog but ... dead horse beating is a hobby-o-mine.

1. I'm sure it looks like I just throw them in their stagecoach willy nilly but really - we're looking at 90+ minutes for head to toe wardrobing before we set out on our morning funtrot.

2. Thrifted for Theo. He hated.

3. one month ago
4. one week ago ...... I'm scared for July and our hair cessation classes.

5. we spent Saturday night at a friend's horrible house with a pathetic excuse of a pool and ... we'll be back before they can change their locks and their last name.
6. Always complicated monosyllabic discussions with my early riser over his complete breakfast of oatmeal that he calls ... "is?" 99 times in a row.

7. "yeah, put that one on the internet."
8. letting him go braless for a few free minutes.

9. Lumberjacked. (outfit curated by Julia)
10. Simon picked this swimnumber up for her and I'm not entirely convinced it isn't a dance recital costume.

And back to my lazy river I swim.

Bad Mom

2013-06-11T15:38:00.002-05:00

I love looking at what people Google to get to the Camp ... usually it's pretty boring standard fare:

"Camp Patyon"
"Camp Pattin"
"Connie Britton Hair"
"Crying it out" (Simon will roll his eyes right now because Julia was up 99 times on Sunday night and guess which sucker of a mom went and listened to her specific requests? -- we turned the monitor off last night so you can pretend to pat my firm and disciplined back if you'd like)
"Camp Blog"
etc etc etc

And then there are some that are giggly:

"onesie as diaper" (I'd love to hear how that worked out for you ... )
"Simon met Grace at party?" (not this Simace)
"mind over bodily fluid"
"hiking chapped pain butt paste"
"are culottes back in style?"
"candid mom in bra on couch"
"chubby housewife in socks"
ETC.

But the search, "bad mom" is always always always on the list. Does that make me feel like a bad mom? Add one too many blog reads about the importance of fostering a creative spirit in your children by way of arts and crafts in the home, the dangers of listening to secular music around small children, or the multiple benefits of exclusively breastfeeding (which is great - and my children are probably doomed -- winkety wink) and maybe I feel like not the greatest mom for a second or ten.

Simon is the wise 1/2 of our marriage and tells me to rise above the nasty comments and I know I should but a couple of months ago some (sane) reader combed through over 1000 blog posts and listed every single mischievous thing the kids have ever ever done on my watch - some of the things were fabricated, some were exaggerated, and some were true. If her intentions were to make me feel like the worst mom ever - success! She won. I'm mostly over it (this is what we'll call closure - I guess) and Maggie - if you're still out there - I hope you're doing well.

Anyway ... this weekend we went to a nice lodge with Simon for one night for a work conference. I was not expecting the fanciest lodge in all of the land but that's what it was and if I had to guesstimate I'd say there were no fewer than ten dead animals on the walls (including a huge raccoon that Simon dreamt about).

(random church that Julia assumed was a princess castle because we are raising saintly little heathens)

The kids loved it. Julia kept asking if we were at "the trip" and she slept in a bed (NOT A CRIB ... there is hope) like a normal 2.8 year old

(this will be the picture - in the future - that Julia asks about, "you know that one picture of me looking so cute and notcreepy with my hair in a notmullet?!")

and Sebastian slept in the bathroom in a portacrib because the bathroom was the size of eight of our bathrooms and Theo slept in his car seat because ... we mean.

Saturday morning Simon woke up and did not shower (because you do not wake a sleeping Sebastian that was up until 11pm) and went to present his poster that had LARGE pictures of ... female anatomy and if Julia finds that poster and starts asking questions ... Simon can handle that precious moment. The kids woke up and I got them all set up with the smuggled muffin that Simon had stolen from his free breakfast and an episode of Dora Authentica (¡en español!) and popped in the shower.

I was lathering my hair with the fancy little shampoo from the fancy little bottle when I heard the hotel room's door open and slam. I peeked through the bathroom window (because I'm sure they had Grace Patton and Brood in mind when they designed the rooms) and saw one zombie of a Julia, one kicky Theodore and not one Sebastian.

I will not type all of the words I said from my post in the shower at this point but they were as sinny as you can imagine. This lodge was fancy but still had the towels that covered to about my tailbone but!!!!! robes - luxurious robes they had. I threw one on - white lathered hair and all and peered outside to find Sebastian chumming it up with a middle-aged couple down the hall ...

nice couple: where is your mommy?
Bash:
nice couple: where did your mommy go?
Bash:
nice couple: is he? no. is he eating deodorant?!

And that was my cue. I wished I'd been lathering my face to hide the bright red but ... of course not. I dragged deodorant breath back into the room ... and inspected the lock situation (door locks until it is opened - with no upper lock - dumb) finished my shower. Sebastian brought me Simon's now empty deodorant container that Simon had left out before he left and so I'm hoping that the new popular search will be, "bad dad" .... because ...

ain't no bad mom here.

For once.

it's not that complicated

2013-06-10T14:27:00.001-05:00

I don't know which one of you intruders snuck in and force fed the kids crazy pills last night but I am your biggest notfan right now because this morning just about killed a Grace. Julia and Sebastian's day isn't complete unless they get a minimum of ten good screaming fights in but today they amped it up to 20 before they'd been awake for a solid hour. I was getting all gloaty and pat-myself-on-the-backy for letting the kids feed themselves their own bowls of instant oatmeal (what? "naturally flavored" "whole grains" and "heart healthy" doesn't scream HIGH STANDARD OF LIVING to you?) and when I'd gotten out of the shower their bowls were licked clean which does not happen because Sebastian has recently entered the reign of picky eater terror. I went to go get my coddle and congrats on when I saw that he had shoved the bowl's entire contents under his booster and in case you have a lower standard of living than I do you'll not know that dried instant oatmeal has the exact consistency of dried cement 20 years after it's been poured.

So.

And you know how I feel about music when I run/walk. I loaded the kids up to find that my iPod had been switched on (blaming Sebastian but it may have been me) and was now dead and yes I shed a tear because I cannot walk/run to the tune of nothing. I kept swearing that Julia's faux fur (almost three and she totes that thing around like the blanket junkie that she is and might always be) was getting caught in the wheels because SURELY the kids weren't that difficult to push/my minimal arm strength hadn't vanished over the course of my two day break away from the chariot. Yep -- that heavy. And about to get heavier because I'll be needing to strap a fire extinguisher to my person for my lungs on any future runs that might possibly occur. Might might might. Might is the key right there.

But then I saw Julia chugging over toward a crying Theo assuring him, "I'll help you!!"

and it's not even that cute but in that moment I smiled because I hadn't gotten my morning smile in for the day. (I think the volume needs to be CRANKED to work - sorry).

therapy for Theodore from grace patton on Vimeo.

So if her future as a professional Sebastian harasser doesn't pan out I think Therapist for Theodore has a nice ring to it.

bleh. I'm such a mom. SUCH a mommy blogger.

Sunday Best

2013-06-09T20:00:00.001-05:00

Linking up with FLAP, too!

Mom and Slim Shadiest.

Sunday Best it's going to get today. I'm pretty sure my eye makeup, lashes, brows, and the pigment around my eyes have all been furiously rubbed off thanks to a little lovely by first name: seasonal, last name: allergia. Also, this is the second or third or fourth time I've worn this outfit since Wednesday. If you want to get technical and do the math you'll feel great about your 'drobe's variety. I'm sure.

We just pulled into the driveway (why do I always type that driveaway? ... always) after a little weekend away. Half business and half pleasure and you know I'll be punishing you with a post outlining all the important 'tails. The big kids napped for an average of 9 minutes each and so I'm wondering if 5:22 is an acceptable bedtime because their sing songy whines to the tune of, "do re mi is this hitting your very VERY last nerve? we're trying our hardest? fa so la ti do"

[we made it to 6:58 - and I'd like to apply for a certificate of achievement in parenting. thanks]

The kids were in foreign territory today at a whole new parish in Camdenton, Missoura and so they had plenty of new people staring to keep themselves occupied for about eighteen minutes before they started in on the usual: Sebastian cries for "maMA" and I hold him and then he goes limp and raises his hands above his head so that I have no choice but to basically drop him and he does his best to book it out of the pew and up the aisle at which point Julia cries for, "momMY" and things just continue to go swimmingly from there.

report card:
Julia: B+ (asked, "whats goin on wis you?" too loud one too many times)
Bash: C+ (had to be taken to the back where he was kept busy trying to blow out a light bulb with huffs and puffs because he's our little genius)
Theo: A (boring)

And to those that hashed your stuff last Sunday ... I love you:

We've got ... Henry, Meredith, Katrina and Little J.

Thanks in advance for linking your outfits or your report cards or both or or or or OR. Just thanks.

Giveaway: $100 to The Children's Place

2013-06-08T22:49:00.002-05:00

I'll be honest in admitting that I've never shopped at The Children's Place for the kids. It was just never on my radar mostly because Mandy and Caroline have been SUPER generous in sending lots of great stuff for the boys, I find a lot of Julia's clothing at consignment stores (much to Simon's delight as he insists I dress her solely like she is ready to go chop wood 24/7), and I generally don't venture into the mall. But! I was pleasantly shocked to find that The Children's Place is not only really affordable (some of their clearance stuff is as low as $1.99) but has some really cute stuff. And shopping online for kids is so much less risky and less complicated than shopping for the female body. I will warn you that their stuff runs a tiny bit big according to my super official size calculator (Julia is normally fine in 3T stuff but you'll see that her "whomper" - as she calls it - is a little slidey in the shoulders). Oh! And on the days I can't find a hat for Theo when we go on walks ... these shades (size 2-4 years) fit him perfectly and don't come off and I love them. He does have sort of a ginorm head though.

Coupons.com is generously giving away a $100 e-gift card to one of you kind readers. Thanks for playing. You're the very best.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

7 Quick Takes

2013-06-07T15:22:00.001-05:00

Linking up with Jen over at Conversion Diary for 7 Quick Takes Friday.

1. I should be packing or cleaning or folding laundry and not typing this post. Rebel forever.

2. We're tagging along with Simon to a work thing this weekend and I got it in my head that I wanted to bring a certain pair of shoes (stupid) but I can only find one. I blame Sebastian 100% because he is obsessed with shoes and when I forget to lock the door to his room where I keep my shoes he goes crazy and organizes them and throws them down vents and puts the on and loses them. I should just get over it because who realllllly cares.

I do. I really, really do.

3. More Sebastian. The other day I suspected that he needed a diaper change to I did the whole peek in the back fully expecting a bomb and when I let him go (bombless - a most pleasant surprise) he marched right behind me, pulled down my running shorts and checked my bomb status. That was a lot funnier at the time and this is probably some bizarre sign that I should start potty training him too. A sign that I will be ignoring real hard.

3. Thank you thank you thank you to everyone that participated in the Sunday Best linkup this past Sunday. It was fun and I hope you come back again. I'll miss you otherwise.

4. The Bachelorette. You know I love everything about this quality program but this season is off to a terrible start. Please redeem yourself, season! And if they pick the next Bachelor out of this crop of horrors I will be tempted for the first time ever ever EVER to not watch next season. Bring back Roberto ... or even someone not that great like Arie (although apparently he is dating Courtney the Bewitch).

5. I love responding to comments via email and maybe Google is falling apart but I've noticed a lot of people's emails aren't attached to their comments anymore? (Well I noticed Cari and Jenny specifically ... and maybe they'd rather not correspond with me but ... I wannna). Janssen has a crystal clear tutorial on how to attach your comment name to your email .... the choice is yours but I'm voting a big fat not NAY.

6. One day left to enter the NeriumAD giveaway .... get after it.

7. I am a big lover of routines and schedules and regimented and predictable. To a big fault. I'm a fun one. Simon is on labor and delivery right now and gets home circa 615-630ish at night which is so much better than the last rotation and the upcoming rotation so we've been eating really fast and then loading up and walking to the the neighborhood elementary school playground. There's a really nice park with a playground near our house but it is TEAMING with choppers and is just too big and too much for our kids. So -- no one is ever at the elementary school playground. Simon and I can talk about our days and not exchange, "where's Sebastian ... go get him before that anxious mom picks him up and starts frantically looking for his parents that are sitting six feet away" every four seconds.

So ... in case you wondered what we do at night. This is it for the next 2 weeks.

Okay ... all she procrastinated.

Hasta manana.

Go see Jen for more.

Healthy Food For Lazy People

2013-06-06T16:15:00.001-05:00

Or more appropriately, "sort of healthy food for really, really lazy people"

And blah blah blah not a food blogger not a dietician not a nutritionist not a health care expert blah blah

(but this! is one of my favorite food blogs ever)

I'm definitely an aspiring food photographer though. Just vate.

We don't care what you eat, Grace. Really. I know, I know, I know. I do. I hope I've made it clear by now that I'm not a culinary anything but a failure and I won't be tricking my kids into eating vegetables by way of a cucumber slushie. I just thought that maybe you'd want to see some snacky things that we've been eating lately. Maybe not but whatever.

Really short eating history ... several years ago I came back from a semester in Austria quite a few pounds heavier than I'd left. Like ... I weighed the same as I did when I was 9 months pregnant with Julia kind of heavier. My bff+e (I link to her instagram because her bomb blog is private and I hate it) went on hardcore Atkins and started running and lost a lot of weight. It was great. Austria weight gone, Freshman 15 gone, etc. But then I went back to school in Ohio and was good for about three seconds before I got reacquainted with the soft serve in the cafeteria and .. whatever. Everyone weighed a little more in college. Who cares. I enjoyed a fine glass or three of boxed wine back in the collegiate days and it was fun.

After I graduated from college I found a happy medium with good fats and fewer carbs (think South Beach diety sort of, I guess) and loosely stick to that now. Do I not eat french fries? Unless I'm being a martyr and gave them up for lent (yes, I am 8 years of age) - no! I can control what I eat at home (unless I buy those stupid chocolate covered pretzels that they sampled at Costco for 15 weeks straight until I caved) and sort of when we travel but if I get all weird and strict then I tend to go crazy and eat all bad food for days on end because I'm starved for sugar and flour.

HOW do I get on these tangents and WHY do I make you suffer through them? Almost done.

So now I try not to eat pasta and bread (we had spaghetti two nights ago so ... ) too often but amn't a big Atkins freak or anything. I do notice that if I load up on the starch I feel sluggish and my mood is bad bad bad, and I get a headache so ... it's better just to be as proteiny as possible. Also! The low carb tortillas at the regular grocery store are really good and even when I run out of regulars for Simon he can't tell the difference when I give him the "gross" kind. Don't tell him.

I can't keep green produce alive and not slimey to save my life ... blame the kids, blame Simon's schedule, blame my lazyass bottom, blame it all but it's a fact right now. Not going to change or get more organized or meal planny because ... reasons listed above.

It's hard to strike a good balance with taste + still healthy because I like my sweet and I like my salty and even if I'm technically "full" but my meal didn't have a lot of taste ... I'll still be reaching for a handful of semi-sweets.

Okay .. my original point!

[important: does someone want to give me basic graphic design lessons because ... see above.]

[saddest food lineup eva]

1. Greek Yogurt + Chia Seeds: I've talked all about the power of the Chia in lots of other posts but I still love the stuff. The kids don't notice that it's in their poisonous Light 'n Fit Greek Yogurt (I KNOW there are much healthier yogurt options but ... I like this stuff and Costco sells it). Maybe it's my imagination but having Chia in the morning seems to help stave off the 3pm sugar shakes and wants and needs. I was having a tough time getting rid of the last few pounds after Sebastian and Theo's pregnancies and the seeds helped - or at least that's what I told myself.

2. Brussel Sprouts + Dates: Cut sprouts in half and put them in a pan with some oil (I use coconut even though I think Simon hates it ... yoops) until tenderish. Then I cut up some dates and sprinkle some sea salt on and snack on, snacker.

3. Fried Egg + Formerly Frozen Vegetables: I think eggs are good and do not like eating just the whites so I don't. I found a huge bag of stir fry veggies at Costco but I hate the mushrooms and water chestnuts (YICK) so I just use what I like with some sea salt and coconut oil in a pan on the stove and here we are.

4. Chocolate Avocado Smoothie/Faux Frosty: If you scroll through an Instagram feed without seeing a smoothie or a recipe for a smoothie these days ... you should probably refresh yo feed because they be everywhere. Rachel told me about how her Vitamix could make Frosty type things with avocados so I tried with my regular blender the other night (and I didn't have any bananas so this picture is moot and ironic) and the kids loved it and I loved it too.

5. Sebastian is awake so I'm out of time: But if you have any quick and easy healthyish snacks ....... I'm all pupils.

One of those posts that wasn't even a great idea to begin with and now I'm like ..... so why did you run with it?! A conundrum for the masses.

What I Did Last Night ...

2013-06-06T09:31:00.001-05:00

... cryptic enough? Well this is a blog post so I'll be as forthcoming as I usually am.

I think I've told you 99 times I get pretty bad insomnia from time to time. Last night was a time. Well I tried to speedwatch to the bitter end of Ready For Love but I couldn't do it so I had to Google the results and was shocked to discover that one of the couples is still standing. Then I went on a long quality article tangent about Bachelor alum and things just kind of spiraled upward from there.

But before I did all that to the tune of Theo grunting just loud enough to not be ignored I finally finished a guest post that I had promised Madeline over a week ago. She is a kind and patient soul. She blogs over at Uber Chic for Cheap and is an absolute wizard at all things finding-Jcrew-stuff-at-clearance-Forever-21-prices and it was one of the first blogs I ever read and followed. That she even knew I existed was a very pleasant surprise.

Anyway. Enough of my love letter to her.

I wrote about dressing the postpartum figure which is always a rip-roaring good time ...

Facial edema? It's a thing.

She's running a whole series and every single post prior to mine is amazing. Enjoy!!

And now I'm off to enjoy a teeth cleaning so you should probably get your jealous hats on and get 'em on strong.

Three Years Blogged + a Linkup!

2013-06-05T16:16:00.000-05:00

Three years and 1017 published posts later - here I be! Up in the attic taking a break from folding a Vesuvius of laundry while watching Ready For Love (the worst). Soooo .... nowhere special.

oh, and someone just woke up ready to be slave driven ...

Just as long as it only involves limb flailing, finger chewing, and rapid fire hair loss.

Three years ago I was five months pregnant with Julia and started a blog on a whim. There hasn't been a right time to quit yet (but if there were some big fat easy DELETE button - I'm sure I would've pushed it by now) and it's great to have a place to vent, complain, and type about all things exciting involving my super exciting children. Okay - enough reflecting. No one cares, Blogger Grace.

I thought (and I often think wrong, so very very wrong!) that it'd be fun to have a linkup of everyone's favorite posts from their own blogs.

If I were Laura I'd probably link my entire series on SAHMomiforms.
If I were Hallie - I love this post.
If I were Jen ... this was a recent diamond.
Colleen had a hysterical post on her juicing experience.
And if you don't laugh out loud while reading Natalie's post I don't think that we'd get along.

But I can't link for any of them unless I wanted to play weird and dirty and I don't - so I hope you'll link your stuffs. As many as you want.

I think my two favorite posts are my post about my year as a teacher

not because it involves any great writing that would win any sort of Blogberry but because no matter how bad of a mom I think I am ... I can always pop back to that post and remember that I was a MUCH worse teacher. So much worse.

And then last year's wedding anniversary post ...

... because I think that may have been when I realized I had a professional slideshow making gift. Life changing.

So ... link it, link it real good and I'll thank you in advance right now. Thank you!!

(and thank you for reading!! and commenting!! Nicest readers in the e-world!!)

AND ... happy birthday to Rachel!!

Loading InLinkz ...

Open To Interpretation

2013-06-05T07:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome to another round of Open To Interpretation where I pretend like I'm 1/100th as fashionable as my favorite fashion blogger. And then I slink back into my flops and cottontail bun.

This week, in lieu of an inspirational picture, Erica threw us a curve ball and sent a quote ...

oh no she didn't.

She did. And then I missed Downtown terribly and felt guilty for being so Scandal obsessed of late. And then I snapped right on out of it. Kerry Washington's wardrobe for president. Not funny. Not laugh.

To my interpretation where I think I failed most miserably ...

taking a page out of Sebastian's closet.

And how exactly is this unpredictable? I really thought I was going out on a crazy limb with some boots + shorts (do you read Sean's sister's blog? annny way for me to get closer to the franchise) but now I think I could've inched out a little further than I did. I live in suburban St. Louis though sooooo wearing this to Costco feels similar to wearing formal wear to Applebees. Maybe trying a little too hard.

I don't think the pictures do it justice but my hair looks like it was painstakingly lathered in coconut oil because I forgot to rinse the shampoo out yesterday morning. Again!! I do this far more often than I should and it drives me and my 11 minutes in the bathroom every third morning before I retrieve the crying from their cages - insane. Space cadets are less spacey than I yam while the kids are crying.

I grew up in New Mexico where turquoise jewelry has always been all over the place and I know it's been cool and hip and trendy for years now but if you had told me that I would've been scouring eBay for $4 plastic turquoise necklaces in the very distant future I would've told you to tell me to get a little bit of a life.

outfitted:

shirt - Old Navy (I think it's on super duper clearance now - very soft and I want 12 more)

shorts - cut off denim from Costco circa 2007. There was a time they sold fancyish jeans.

Boots - eBay

necklace - eBay

Now!! Wake up!! And go see what Erica and Kayla have up their Mary Crawley sleevage ...

Walk, Run, Walk, Laugh, Repeat.

2013-06-04T16:58:00.002-05:00

First things first around hurrr. Happy TWENTIETH Birthday to my brother Paul!!

(and hello 9-month-old Julio Pattone)

Three of my siblings (Em, Sarah, and Pablo) have birthdays over the course of five days - fiesta fiesta.

Ho-que ... onto today's skim material:

Not that any day is ever perfect but I've noticed that on the days that I put Sebastian in a far corner of the basement to keep him busy for 2.3 seconds .. ruuuuuuuun upstairs, prop the front door open, lug the stroller outside, unfold it, stop a now upstairs Sebastian from running outside and up the neighbor's wheelchair ramp to alert neighbor Gene that I want to chat about side of the house weeds for 56 minutes, grant Julia's request to sit on "Bashy's side" (the side he sat in ONE TIME during our first walk back in April), strap the boys in, strap my 5 year old iPod on, and go on a walk/run around the neighborhood .... the day is a little bit better for everyone.

I didn't go today and I'm sure Simon would L-O-V-E to rehash the phone call (phone calls are for emergencies only ... throat clear) he received around 1:55 pm to be pelted with bullet points alllllllll about my world that was on fire.

she got it from her mom.

The stroller is a little bit too wide for sidewalks (if necessary on a busy road - it fits but I hate bumpy sidewalks that wake slumbering Theodores) so we run on the side of the street and if I had a penny for every car that super dramatically veered out of my way ... I could buy uno packo of Juicy Fruit. Yes, 25 cent for 25 car. Yesterday I stepped on a bird carcass and even the beat of Nelly bumping in my drums couldn't drown out the crunch of the beak (or was it the skull? I'll never know) under my shoe. One lady passed us, circled the block, came back around, rolled down her window and asked if she had counted correctly, "three whole children?" I made a big production about removing one of my ear buds to ask her to repeat the question that I'd already heard and answered, "Yes, three. And they are all whole." Smile and bud securely back in place.

(that sounds like I'm being a total b + itch ... I'm mostly not ... I was just about to start puffing up a hill and reallllllly needed the momentum of the downhill I'd just descended but ... how was she to know?)

I think my favorite favorite was on Sunday when everyone seemed to be outside moving, or doing yard work, or blowing bubbles, or taking in the residential traffic by lawn chair, a lady stopped me and asked if I was running a daycare. "Get it?" she cackled, "Running a daycare?" Got it. And yes - that was kind of funny and I'm jealous of your turquoise front door and manicured lawn that would make the prettiest Pinterest Board even prettier.

Julia's new thing is to ask if women with really short haircuts "are mans?" and this lady had a really cute cut so I'm sorry if Pixie heard Curious J but ... she did throw that gauntlet right into our laps.

this was a fun morning. it took two hours to get them dressed. and they look rill gude.

If you care to hear what I listen to when I run (and warning: LANGUAGE ... much LANGUAGE not appropriate for children that might understand English) I made a playlist and will keep making them whether you like it or not.

Here's Playlist the First. Prepare to be appalled by my taste in music.

Thanks for reading and (maybe) listening.

the baby that cried wolf-colic

2013-06-03T17:37:00.000-05:00

The kids normally go down for naps around 1 or 2 but due to errands (fine fine fine - Costco and hospital parking lot) they didn't go down until 4:00 today and if you want to see a fish out of water .... come on by. Tell me I'm unpredictable, I dare you.

Also, I've been staring at the ceiling fan for minutes upon minutes and last night's fun is all I can conjure to share today. For bigger and better blog posts might I suggest you trot over to see Jen and her favorite season, Ana and her smarts, or Cari and her race? You've been sufficiently warned and given an out and alternatives.

I know I'm still a novice mom and I'd never claim to know exactly what I'm doing but I mostly thought I had the baby thing kind of figured out ... until last night. Simon got home much later than anticipated from work, the house was destroyed (let's caps lock that sheet - DESTROYED), and I guess that's it. We ate, went on a walk (including stopping at a bouncy toy parking lot thing at a neighborhood church where I chased the kids around and Simon was left to talk to complete strangers until they dropped the, "soooo ... do you go to church?" bomb and he was forced to show his hand), came home and got the kids ready for bed. Why do I always feel the need to set the scene? Who cares?

BC - before crying (and crying and crying and crying and crying and crying)

Basically around 8pm Central Standard Time Theo started fussing and then crying and then screaming and no amount of bouncing, or rocking, or bottle offering, or diaper taking offing (Simon swears by that trick) would soothe him. We took turns holding him upstairs in the attic where we sleep and downstairs in the basement but when Simon had him my skin would start to crawl and sweat and I knew deep down that he was still screaming his little heart out. This has never happened before. The last time this happened with a baby was the night we brought Julia home from the hospital and we were like ........... WHAT IS GOING ON?! And can we pop her back in el uterus for safekeeping for just a few hours while we sleep and carb load for parenthood?

One time when Julia was 8ish months old she pulled a similar stunt for like AN HOUR - NOT FOUR and we attributed it to teething but it turns out her pinky toe was just at a weird angle in her shoe .... where am I going with this and how did I get here? I don't know.

Anyway - Theo's toes were all fine. He wasn't hungry, he wasn't shooting out a random tooth all of a sudd, he had just turned into a parent/life hater of the very serious variety.

Simon and I got snappy about 2.5 hours in ...

Did Sebastian feed him something and you didn't notice?!

I don't think laying him on his back is helping ...

Why won't he open his eyes? Sebastian fed him something and he's having an allergic reaction!

The no diaper trick is realllllly working, isn't it?

Sebastian fed him something. I know it.

And so on.

Eventually I risked waking the big kids up and bathed him while Simon went and bought some gas meds and the screamer poofed into Happy Patton for the bath ... maybe similar to mom's laboring in the water? (I tried that at 2 whole cm with Julia when I was swearing she was our first AND LAST!!!!! baby ever but I know it works better for warrior moms not like myself) But as soon as I pulled him out -- back to the SCREAMZ.

This is one of those posts that I might stumble on in a year or something and be like ... You typed that post ? You embarrass me.

Gas meds in and he eventually fell asleep but not for long and everytime I got him to sleep and crawled back in bed my heart would pound in anticipation because ... yep ... there he is. Again.

Finally I pulled him into bed with us around 1 where we all slept soundly until Simon all but rolled on top of him. Have I ever told you that Simon sleeps like THE DEAD, sleep talks + walks, and can fall asleep in the middle of a conversation? While his wife will be jolted awake by the sound of paint drying, has chronic insomnia, and cannot nap? Now you know. Luckily I heard Simon start to turn over and grabbed Theo just as he started crying and sat him up. And then he let about 99 of the longest and loudest burps come flying out of his mouth before he fell right back to sleep - chin on chest and all.

Hello answer.

Back to his crib he went.

End of unnecessary story.

But not really because this is Grace typing.

This morning ...

back to average bear status.

If I were a "learning experience" type of gal what would I take away as the moral of the tale? That if we ever have an actually colicky baby - Simon and I will be at risk of killing or being killed by each other - just putting that in black in white in case God ever takes a little gander at this here blawg.

Sunday Best

2013-06-02T15:32:00.001-05:00

Linking up with Fine Linen and Purple, too!

First!! A very Happy Happy Birthday to my other sister, Emily!!

(thanks to Facebook for the stolen photo)

I've got some serious life jealousy right now as she is about to embark on some serious foreign travel and if she doesn't update her blog on the regular while she's gone -- I'll do nothing but I will be very disappointed. Thanks Em!

Onward to the business casual.

The hair got thrown into a Peter Cottontail before we left for Mass. I wore my hair like that every single day for a what felt like several years so I try to steer clear but sometimes you just hafta.

We were so proud of ourselves last night for getting in the car at 4:59 for 5:00 Mass just a few blocks away but theeeen ... plot twist!! We were those people that walked in during the sign of peace. I assumed that they were just doing the "greet your neighbor" rigamarole but after everyone knelt down I realized that we had set a new tardy record. Because we regularly hit up the hospital Mass when Simon is post call and maybe we aren't avid bulletin readers we totally missed that the time had been moved up to 4:30 at our parish. Simon put the minivan pedal to the metal and we raced over to an actual 5pm mass where we (oh soooo smartly) sat in the empty cry room and what were the words Simon used? Oh, yes: pointless and miserable. The kids will be relegated back to pews next week because they went into noisy swine mode in the cry room - too much space and freedom makes for some appalling toddler behavior. Sometimes I think Simon and I were born yesterday when it comes to parenting.

It was interesting to read the comments on Kaitlin's post on wearing sleeveless tops to Mass last week. I think I've probably worn a sleeveless top or two before but maybe I should suck it up this summer and keep my shoulders to myself. We'll see if I stay strong when the humidity hits. Saints have suffered, Grace.

worn:

shirt: old Old Navy

skirt: super old Banana Republic

shoes: Kork-Ease via eBay

behavior grades:

Julia: D- (gave the priest a super awkward side hug on the way out and sort of redeemed herself)

Sebastian: F (it's a wonder he didn't shatter the glass with his recreational fist pounds and happy screams)

Theo: A

Hopefully you'll link it up with me and mine. Outfits and behavior? Great. Just outfit? Great. Just behavior? Great. I love it all.

If you want to go the Twitter/Gram route let's hash it #sundaybest and I'll put the photos up here next veek.

And! Next week I think we're going to tag along with Simon for a tiny work trip so unless I can get some weird interstate WiFi signal I might push it to Monday. Fair warning.

Thanks in advance for joining!! Be glad we're separated by the vast internet because I'd be tempted to kiss you.

Giveaway: NeriumAD Skin Treatment

2013-06-01T21:51:00.001-05:00

Okay. We all know that I'm a big fat skincare junkie and love trying out new stuff and seeing what will and will not make me look less liney and leather facey. Rachel very kindly sent me a bottle of NeriumAD (derived from the Nerium oleander plant) a few weeks ago and I'm REALLY impressed. It helps wiiiiiiiiiiith:

+Fine Lines
+Wrinkles
+Discoloration
+Aging Skin
+Enlarged Pores
+Uneven Skin Texture

... and I wasn't necessarily skeptical before I tried it but I didn't think anything could help my forehead other than Botox or a miracle. I tried to do the whole before/after pictures in the bathroom with no makeup thing but I either deleted the before photo in a frenzy to delete a bunch of photos to make room for a bunch more or Sebastian deleted it because his new thing swiping at my phone until it starts barking at him. Anyway - I found this picture from Mary's wedding right before I started using NeriumAD and this is with professional makeup ... you see my forehead canyon? It's from squinting and frowning a LOT and not wearing sunscreen in high school or college in the blazing summers in New Mexico because I'm an idiot.

Anyway - the after photo was taken just two weeks later with no makeup (and obviously neither photo was touched or edited or given an instafilter or anything). It's still visible but I can no longer use it to tote Theo's bottle, Sebastian purple fuzzy blankie, or Julia's Dora sippy on our excursions. If you're not impressed you need to grow a heart. This stuff is pretty dang good. There's a whole results gallery right here as well. The texture is the perfect marriage of serum and night lotion and leaves my skin so soft that I think my face and Theo's little bottom might have a soft-off someday soon. Or not - maybe not.

Rachel's generously giving a bottle away to one lucky reader and I can't wait to hear how he/she loves it.

Follow the chopper to v for victory.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Tornado Watch

2013-05-31T23:29:00.000-05:00

One of my greatest hopes for residency is that when it's all over I'll be able to look back on nights like tonight and laugh. Ohhh and I hope they are hearty and genuine laughs. It's 9:52pm and I just got the big kids down for the night because we spent a chunk of the evening in the basement because the tornado sirens would not shut up. I finally tore Julia away from Super Why to watch a blip of the live coverage on weather.com where they were telling St. Louis residents to put on helmets and head for shelter. Fresh out of headgear! Weird. But we did march down to the basement. Simon is at work until tomorrow morning and while I always loathe these weekends I think my sweet sentiment will always run especially deep for this weekend.

Let's back up to an hour or three earlier ...

oh, Sebastian is giving me the silent treatment. wonderful.

I don't know who fed Julia cow's milk last night or today but her diaper and its contents, her super soiled crib sheet along with the involved cleanup that left my jeans dirty and my hair streaked with literal crap after her nap this afternoon would indicate that someone did.

[I WILL FIND YOU]

Right after I'd gotten all the necessaries in the washing machine Theo started doing his the-world-IS-ending crying thing so I changed his diaper. Sebastian noted my tied hands and seized that golden moment real fast by way of a pantry raid. I started sweeping up the cocoa powder after I found him spitting out the nasty while laughing at his self-inflicted punishment as he continued spitting and making dramatic gag faces. He then ran downstairs and bit Julia. Nothing like a little arm flesh to get the bitter out. Naturally, she screamed. So! I ran down to save the day and survey the damage and Julia asked me to "hold you" and I obliged. Sebastian took full advantage of the weakling women tangled up in "I are okay?" "You are! I promise!" back and forths and scampered upstairs to his favorite flour emptying maneuver. He is one consistent little shit.

I don't give him enough credit because when I sensed he was being too quiet I sprinted up the stairs and found him fake-eating a granola bar in front of the door hiding the emptied bag of ...

"FROWER!!!!!"

Julia: waz it an axy-dent, Bash?
Bash: no.

After a thorough sweep. Do you see the cocoa paw print?

This is when I stepped outside with my bicep candy who loves nothing more than to be held. In my arms. Not a sling or a carrier or anything. Just mom arms.

when you're happy and you know it.

Theo and I wore those outfits yesterday and then slept in them last night and I won't spoil the surprise but our nightclothes tonight .... be those.

This is getting boring. Hurry it up, Gabs.

The shelter! The kids were petrified ...

sometimes they hold hands and prance around and my jaw droppeth.

Simon got out of his 4th c-section and was able to watch the news and let me know I could probably safely put the kids down. Copy that and let me race all of my former selves that have ever put the kids to bed because .......................... long day and while the tornado didn't actually hit our house Simon might come home and wonder otherwise once he sees the fun that awaits him.

So now it's 11:15 and Theo is being Theo and fighting the sleep and the rock and the bottle so we Photobooth it ...

and hope you'll join me in praying that the little rascal gets tired soon. Really very very soon - preferably.

I noticed today that one of the searches that led to Camp Patton was "I don't give anything my all" which sums Grace Marie up in a nutshell. And I guess in addition to hoping I'll find the humor in all of this some distant day is not that people will read this and suggest that I find a mother's helper or buy a pantry lock or read this book on toddler discipline but that maybe a future mom in a similarly not ideal situation will know that she is not alone. Not at all. She'll Google, "what will happen if I pull all my hair out?" or "can little children be a cause of near death?" or "do potions to fix haggard exist?" and maybe she'll find her answer: "nothing", "yes", and "absolutely not". (She probably won't and she probably doesn't even exist but ... let me dream the impossible drea - stopping.)

[Theo is finally drifting. Thanks for your prayers.]

7 Quick Takes

2013-05-31T14:24:00.003-05:00

Linking up with Jen over at Conversion Diary for Seven Quick Takes Friday.

1. Happy 14th Birthday to my youngest sister, Sarah!!

I was almost 16 when she was born so I'll let you do that math and know that I suddenly feel positively geriatric. Hopefully she'll give me an Instagram lesson in cool before I succumb to the shoes with the orthotic soles or heel springs.

2. I normally skim and delete the Zulily emails (link to an invite to join - ignore if you're already a member of the elite) but I noticed that several different styles of Kork-Ease boots and sandals are 55% off until Monday. That's like the price of a nice pair of Target heels ... not that Target heels are cheap these days but the Kork-Ease are so comfortable. Here's a pair I scored on eBay and if I ever find this pair for a steal/formerly loved - I'll smile WIDE. Enough about that.

3. Only the third take and I'm drawing a complete and total blank. I'll just be frank and admit that I'm trying really hard to have a betterish attitude about this call weekend but I'm having a really hard time. Still lots of hours to turn that frown upside blah blah blah blah.

4. Oh, duh! The Bachelorette. I'm scared this is going to be my least loved season of all time. Des was handed a bunch of doofuses on a platter and I'm worried she won't find her prince charming and a happy ending to her Cinderella story. If Jones wasn't doing a brilliant job with her recaps (one so far but she has every iota of my good faith) I might be tempted to skip for the first time since Alex's inaugural season. Call me many things but do not call me undedicated to my quality programming.

5. I fit all of Julia's hair into a (singular) ponytail last night.

Look at us go. Next this mommy blogger is going to drone on about how she's really hoping the answer to her 5-month-old's sleeping through the night woes is rice cereal. She really, really hopes.

6. I really should take a cue from the smart bloggers that step away from the keyboard on the days they have nothing to say because this post is going nowhere at the speed of a bleepbulb.

7. When your boxes of diapers start coming with not so gentle potty training nudges ...

... via samples (that had Julia 50 shades of curious last night) you start to feel lots of emotions and "I'm not a total failure of a mother" is not one of them. I'll let you know when the deed is done in several months -- lest I jinx the past 15 hours of progress.

Go see Jen for less bleh.

Confessions

2013-05-30T17:25:00.001-05:00

Linking up with Ain't No Mom Jeans for How We Wear It: Cropped Pants

(and if they kick my link out for being too crystal crisp ... so be it)

Scandal: I can't stop watching it. If you're the type to judge those based on the terrible TV shows they watch then you're going to have a FIELD day with me. The kids slept in until 8:30 (!!!!!!!!!!!!) the other morning and I could've done a lot of things (including but not limited to: shower, clean several rooms, shower again, clean more rooms, unpack from the trip we took 3.5 weeks ago, file my nails for the first time in my life, and more - I'm sure) but I just watched my show and told the gnawing guilt to please shut up. I even went so far as to sign up for Hulu+ because I'm positive that I'll finish the entire second season within the seven day trial period and can cancel. If you're children are in the market for role models you might want to send them my way.

Speaking of Screen Time: I have to admit that I wish the boys were a little more enchanted with it. If Julia could just give some of her utter obsession with the laptop to her brothers I think we'd be all set. Julia sleeps HOURS more than the boys and sometimes it's 5:12 in the am and I wish that both Theo + Bash (early risers extraordinaire) would be content with the company of Mr. Baby Einstein for just a few minutes while I rested my eyelids on my eyeballs. Again, role modeling agency up in this crib.

Run/Walk: I skipped it today and did 25 jumping jacks instead. Same difference, I'm sure. Remember when people said same difference? Those were the days - along with NOT, RANDOM, HOOKING UP (well, maybe people still say that and I'm 93), FINE (in reference to looks), and COOL BEANS (maybe the worst).

I started this post four hours ago: thanks Theo.

I cleaned: I shook out the rug in Julia's room and swept underneath two weeks in a row and now I'm wondering if I should apply for a new identity but I'm not sure I have time because I spend all my hours wandering into her quarters and admiring my cleanlywork.

I thought: Julia was turning the 'doesn't look like a boy anymore' corner with her earlobe length hair but last night Simon was unloading the kids from the car and a lady walking by remarked, "three boys, eh?"

yep.

(Simon dressed her feet and not that she's oozing femininity but still)
(Sebastian was just throwing his routine bedtime funtrum)

Reading: I went on a real reading bender several weeks ago and read two whole books but as soon as I'm finished littering my nog with Scandal I'm going to be all over this Ultimate Beach Reading Guide. All over it. I especially appreciate the Bestsellers, Easy-Reading Novels, and Gorgeous Novels sections. I'll keep you posted as I read - I never don't.

And: Sir Sebastian would like to confess that his new favorite trick is to insist (non-verbal grunt style) on wearing Julia's clothes and only Julia's clothes from head to toe even if it means slowly p-o-u-r-i-n-g his thunders into her jorts because he knows she'll freak. He learned from the best: his nemesisister.

Dinner: I made it last night and it didn't involve anything frozen or defrosted or from the hospital cafeteria (fine, it was spaghetti and I used the most delicious sauce that sweet Mary sent but I was holding Theo the entire time so basically Top Chef me) and I think Simon genuinely thanked me 88 separate times which is only indicative of what a rarity non-defrosted dinner is in this kitchen bum's lair. Maybe I'll do it again soon.

Sunday Best: I was/am thinking of joining the ranks of Sunday link-ups where we can all showcase our Sunday finery but with an added element - you can make me feel better about my children's behavior with mass report cards of your own for your kidlets but I'm not quite sure yet. This isn't to beg for comment commitment but just keeping you in the transparent know.

And with all of that heavy uplifting ... I'll leave you, undoubtedly smiling.

Giveaway: Datevitation Gift Book {Simon! Don't read this}

2013-05-30T15:05:00.000-05:00

You know what my Love Language is not? Gift giving. I'm terrible. TERRIBLE. I love these Datevitation gift books because they give you 350 (!!) ideas for meaningful and personalized gifts that you don't have to run out and buy and wrap (another skill I lack). Simon loves to get out and do things on the weekends he has off so one of the coupons I included (in case you're blind or merely skimmed like a lazy reader) was to go check out a new-to-us area of St. Louis. He also loves to read placards (unlike his wife) so he has my generous permission to placard himself to his heart's content. One of MY favorite things to do is rent and watch movies so one of the coupons was a little bit selfish but I can guarantee Simon will be the only one that stays awake for the entire movie because I'm a real good time.

+ Datevitation.com is the web's first online platform to create a custom love coupon book. Unlike the pre-packaged love coupon books on the market, you pick the dates and can customize the text to your liking. Once you are done customizing the text in your book, Datevitation will print it out and ship it to you.

+ Books normally start at just $20 so it makes for a thoughtful yet economical gift. But as a special treat for YOU, use the code ‘CAMPPATTON’ for $10 off your purchase in May or June. That means you can get your loved one a one-of-a-kind gift for Father’s day starting at just $10! The order cut-off date for guaranteed delivery by Father’s Day is June 6 so make sure to get your order in before then!

+ Datevitation is a family business run by the husband-wife team of Alex and Olga Karpman. You can get to know them on the Datevitation blog, where they offer video guides to date ideas and romantic gestures. You can even watch Alex propose to Olga in a video they posted on Youtube as a Save The Date, and now has over 1,000,000 views (watch it! watch it here!!)

Want one? You do.

Follow the Rafflecopter road to victory.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Simon Says

2013-05-29T20:00:00.000-05:00

After seeing this photo on Instagram ...

Simon said, "in the future, I'd appreciate if you got my permission before you post demeaning pictures of me on the internet."

After reading the post about his car accident, Simon said, "I guess I was just hoping you'd talk more about the fact that I was THE VICTIM of a hit and run."

After a little bit of a depressing chat about the reality of this year's upcoming call schedule (that I was super thrilled about) Simon tried to lighten the mood and said, "my glass is always half full of the fountain of life and yours is generally 1/4 full of poison and shards of glass."

After a call weekend:
Simon: that was a LONG weekend
Grace: I know
Simon: (ballading to the tune of It Must Have Been Love) But it's OVER NAW

During a particularly fun evening of consecutive and multiple tantrums c/o our toddlers Simon admitted, "it's official. Small children are the worst."

After seeing yet another headline about Angelina's brave decision Simon said, "I'll be impressed when she cuts off her nose."

Crawling into our little tiny glorified double of a bed that he has to sleep in diagonally, Simon said, "it's no wonder we have three kids under three - we just can't help but bump into each other."

the grands

2013-05-29T14:48:00.001-05:00

I just wrote this post in an email addressed to no one and was confused when the bazillion pictures didn't show up when I attached them. The kids are successfully melting my brain. I know ... cRaZyYyyYyy gRaCe ... doing bizarre things like writing blog posts in emails to no one. What's next? Confusing the kid's names?! Wouldn't that be something else ...

Anyway ... after Simon got off work on Saturday (marking the end of this bear of a rotation for one month until it starts back up again for five more weeks - yee to the haw haw haw) we popped into the van (and by popped you know I mean we loaded the 99 tons of nonsense into the car, delicately asked Julia which one of her blankets she wanted to take on the trip, and ran back in for just one more thing eight more times) and made our way to Illinois. I was driving (my favorite part about car trips .. "my hands are tied, kids!") and we were at the always pleasant point in the journey when everyone has had it with everyone and is hungry and tired and hungry when this went down ...

Simon: this is your exit
Grace: I know I know, (laugh) how many times have we made this trip?
Simon:
Grace: (misses exit)
Simon: Great.

Whatever. I totally saved the day by using one of those not for unofficial use only for the pole-eese crossovers to turn our ship around. Don't tell.

We had a wonderful time with our grandparents and I did a not-wonderful job of documenting everything which is fine but let me throw you what I do have ...

It's a wonder the kids don't throw a week long tantrum (oh, wait.) when we return from GG's house because they are treated like proper royalty the entire time. TV shows accompanying the impressive spread of their favorite foods, plush carpet, sparkling living quarters, ice cream, living plants to taste, knick knacks to destroy, and a "huge big giant huge giant" bath tub.

Julia lost it when she realized that we were almost home to our house on Monday and hadn't just taken a 4.5 hour drive around GG's neighborhood. No offense taken, J.

Because anyone that confuses my grandma's sweet little dog Ollie (may he rest in peace)

for a dangerous safari beast just might not have it all together. Call me crazy.