Ravie Rave's Mentals

January 1, 2019

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Tue, 01 Jan 2019 23:43:00 +0000

God has pressed into my spirit to WRITE again. It's bee far too long and so much to discuss. I don't know how this is going to go but the ride won't be boring. Nothing with me is ever BORING. One of my BFF's whom I have known for well over 37 years made me shed my first tears of 2019. My multiple sclerosis flares have been so horrendous since Christmas Eve. For the first time since my double heart valve removal surgery I was willing to just Let Go and Let God. I was tired. When you have a chronic disease, you LEARN people. Family treat you like a stranger. Strangers treat you like family.Church folk here in the bible belt fake it and so called unsaved are more God like in love than you can imagine. I don't like a lot of company and while I will talk you to death once I actually make a call or get a call I will talk you to death. I am the suffer in silence type. My Jersey Family and Friends made me promise to be open when I moved down here. No secrets and hiding how I feel physically. For two years, I have tried but I will no longer try. As a matter of fact a lot of changes will be happening in 2019. Never telling of Crazy about how and what I have been feeling, she posted as Maxie on my Facebook today. God use her to say as Maxie what she can't tell me as HER. lol I needed it. I am blessed to have her moody, sometimey self in my life.

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Thu, 15 Sep 2016 19:28:00 +0000

I always crack up whenever I hear the men can't be FRIENDS with women debate. My BEST FRIEND in the whole wide world is a dude. No, he isn't GAY-he is quite married. The woman he married and I are even closer friends (cuz my BFF refuses to discuss shoes with me) 32 year with this man and he feels like what a blood brother would feel like to me if I had one. He despises (rightfully) every male I have dated. But he holds his "Told you so's" until I get my common sense back when I leave them. Our birthdays are one week apart and we are both TAURUS. So I don't have to tell you that our conversations can get pretty LIVELY. But never once has a conversation ended without an I love you despite of you. lol As far as sex is concerned, we have NEVER gone THERE. Not even to the neighborhood or around the block. Besides the fact that we aren't each others TYPE-it has always been from moment one-Just like siblings. My Buddy is very ill right now and my heart is aching. If I could-I would wave a magic wand and sent a unicorn of healing to him. Because he is a good man. A good husband and father. It seems like people like Donald Trump-NOTHING ever befalls them. But GOOD PEOPLE, it just seems like the enemy just keep on attacking them. Unlike females, male friends aren't catty nor competitive with you. When they fall in the LOVE-they don't abandon you. If you and the woman he loves can't or just won't get along, they still make time for you.

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Tue, 30 Aug 2016 21:33:00 +0000

When I was a young girl, my mother would take me to Woolworths on 125th St in Harlem to pick up school supplies every year. After picking up my Trapper Keeper, pencils and rulers we would go do one of my FAVORITE things; go to the counter and get me a cheeseburger and strawberry milkshake. As I would sit on those stools spinning around until I was dizzy (or my mother made me stop! lol) I had no CONCEPT of the ability just to sit at a Woolworth counter and order food. I felt it was my Right to be served. I was served my beloved cheeseburger and milkshake and I ate with love and appreciation of those cheeseburgers that was slightly burnt on the outside and so juicy that the juice would run down my arms. As I grew older, my parents shared the struggle they had when they were my age to even be able to SIT at a Woolworth counter. They taught me and my sister about this word SEGREGATION. In school I learned Martin Luther King was good and Malcolm X was bad. I was HORRIFIED at an assembly where the school showed The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman. The scene where the rebels killed Odetta and her infant stays vivid in my mind today. We watched Roots as a family. I cried and asked my parents the hard questions. I couldn't BELIEVE Mike Brady (Robert Reed) was using the N Word. Lorne Greene wasn't selling Alpo Dog Food but patting John Amos on the head like a dog. Vic Morrow was whipping Kunta and I damned near had a fit. I couldn't wrap my MIND around what I was seeing and reading. My school history books made slavery not so bad. They almost blamed Harriette Tubman for "freeing the slaves." It wasn't until college when I took an African Studies class that it became REAL to me. I thank my parents for raising me as a Christian First and a Black Woman second. I thank those who died so that I can be where I am and live where I live. My parents didn't teach me hate or racism. They taught me ABOUT racism, but never were racists themselves. On Election Night, I was in Pennsylvania working for the Obama campaign. When he won, I thought of my Mom. How PROUD she would have been to live to see a black President. I honestly cried for two hours off an on. My eyes were shut tight as a drum when I woke up the next day. My peers like my adopted "Mom" Rona Pienta knew it was a big moment for me, but I had a hard time explaining WHY. I felt we truly had overcame. In my own way I STILL do. Not simply because President Obama was black, but he was more that qualified to do the job. We had a conference call with then Candidate Obama and I snuck into the garage to cry(cuz I am PRIVATE like that) because the moment was overwhelming. Another worker had the same emotion and we stood together, me a black woman and he a hispanic man sharing one emotion that no one in that room could really and truly understand. I have multicultural friends and they will tell you-I have NO SHAME in putting someone in their place or give them a history lesson because I am a Proud Black Woman. I had no idea how many people remember no where I traveled in this world, I kept my straightening comb in my suitcase! lol I gave my former boss Janet Cowlan a coronary one night before a gig! lol I am 45 now. I miss those Woolworth cheeseburgers. I miss spinning on those stools. I miss my Mom. But I still carry that pure arrogance of you can't tell me where to eat, where I can go, who I can be friends with, and I now teach the young people who come into my life the lessons taught to me. It is my generations responsibility to take up that mantle and pass it forward and we are failing at doing that.

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Tue, 30 Aug 2016 21:19:00 +0000

The hardest thing about walking as a Christian is resisting the urge to go punch folks square in their lying mouths. Then I go back to The Word and I am reminded they lied on Jesus. While i cannot control what they do-I CAN control how I react. My SIL Donna Kinard-Moore and I had a very deep discussion because this year I have been "thinning the herd" left and right-and standing by my decisions. The majority are two of my mother's sisters and their seeds. I am dealing with my temper. (My temper is LEGENDARY to all who have known me more than 20+ years. I promised my grandmother than I would stop knocking folks the hell out and carry myself as beautiful on the inside as I am on the outside. Anyone who knows me KNOWS that once I make a promise-I work on it INSTANTLY to keep my word. I in turn allowed people to use me as a doormat because I felt being a Christian meant allowing folks to hurt me and I just "turned the other cheek" and forgive as Christ did. But my pastor and I during one of my sessions showed me that even Jesus got angry and flipped tables. lol The anger ISN'T the Sin-the sin lies within my own actions and or reactions. I am a Taurus through and through. Wrong me and you are a WRAP. No backsies. But one day while studying The Holy Spirit was ministering to me: "What if Jesus felt that way about YOU?" What if God said, I am sorry Rave, I just can't forgive you for what you did!" There is no Top Ten permissible sins. There is no get out of hell free card because folks have witnessed my outward behaviors. In what God sees in me that will allow me to strive to be in His Will and Favor. I am learning that while my feelings and hurts are VALID-the turning of the other cheek is acknowledging my anger and hurt, but also giving them to God-and LEAVING THEM THERE. God made me without my help and there is NOTHING He can't handle for me. But the key is TRUSTING that however God handles it-keep me own nose Clean. I refuse to live this short life hating and holding onto things that aren't edifying my spirit. I refuse to say "I just don't trust NO ONE." To live under that umbrella is saying that you don't even trust yourself to assess and make wise decisions. There are no perfect people. I WILL SAY that for every person I cut off-God has been sending SO MUCH BETTER into my life. Cutting them off wasn't a loss. God couldn't send better until I cleaned up MY OWN messes. It may seem hard, but if you hold your peace and TRUST God-you will find it getting easier and easier. There is something about a woman from what I have learned from others as well as myself; that after 40-you have less anger and patience for nonsense. I no longer have "circles" be it inner or outer circles because circles are round. You just find yourself going around and round with the same garbage with no escape. I now have more of a parallelogram way of thinking and folks who are in my life. Rave #StraightTalkExpress

The almost Love?

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Tue, 28 May 2013 23:28:00 +0000

A little wine, a little Shai in the background. Life is good. K, Imma share a lil story with yall. It's totally true-I swear on my mothers grave. My friends and family know it very well. Back in '94 I was taking a trip to North Carolina like I always did to see my grandparents. I always OVER pack for trips. I still never pack EVERYTHING I need and or want but I try anyway. I always hit my granparents up on and or around their birthdays. My grandmothers(may she R.I.P.)birthday was September 3rd. That always fell on the Labor Day weekend. My grandfather's birthday is November 23rd. So that's Thanksgiving week. (That's how I remembered their birthdays as a kid) Well I always travel the day before Thanksgiving and in '94 I was on Amtrak. I always have three bags with me. My purse, my goodie bag(food) and my activity bag. I have the attention span of a gnat, and ONCE I didn't pack an activity bag and was BORED out of my skull. In that activity bag there was(and still applies today)a brand new crossword puzzle, yarn and crocheting needles plus scissors, a book, and several cassettes. YES I SAID CASSETTES! I HAVE ALMOST FOUR THOUSAND OF EM AND I STILL LISTEN TO EM! Shai was HOT back then and I made a mixtape of all of the songs I loved by them on it. I am partial to the Right Backatcha era. My FAVORITE song was Show Me. Whoo lawd, it still is! Whenever I hear it, I have to hear it at LEAST ten times in a row. (I also obsess over I will always love you, the tune they did with Boney James-but that wasn't on this cassette). Well, I got on the train in Newark, and proceeded to eat up some road. That trip is SUPPOSED to take ten hours-I have YET to make it ten, it is always LATE arriving because after D.C. the train goes from electric to diesel. Amtrak shares the rail with Conrail and those frieght trains have the right of way. I always took the early morning train(back then it was the 7:23am, now it's 6:35am). I have this thing that I do that never works. I stay up all night. Shower, get cute and book it to the train SO I CAN SLEEP. My ass be dogged tired, yet wide awake at least to Baltimore. Then I cat nap off and on. Me, and Shai in my ears. Headphones on my ears, and sunglasses on my face tells folk LEAVE ME ALONE. I always get a bad assed kid or a medicine smelling old lady as a seat mate. I don't know why on this particular trip, I decided to say a lil prayer. I asked God for a cutie pie to sit next to me.(remember, I swore on my mothers grave this is true) Strangely, I didn't have a seatmate until D.C. The conductor warned us that the train was sold out and that we would be filling up. After the train pulled out of Baltimore, I went to the bathroom peed, washed my hands and looked at myself. I was cute with my lime green babydoll top and stretch jeans that looked tight as hell-but were loose and comfy. I rarely wear my hair down, but I did that day because my grandmother asked me to. I compromised with a banana clip for the trip. I knew I could bump the ends before I got to Fayetteville. The train pulled into Union Station and I sat in my seat. I leaned back and watched the people board on. I saw an old lady and let my breath go. I just KNEW she was coming my way. She did, and sat across from me. Because a chica is COOL I had on my sunglasses(and a fresh coat of RED lip gloss, with a spritz of Ysatis DeGivenchy) Then I saw him. Garfield was singing in my ears and I looked over my sunglasses for a quick peek. Lord, this dude was FIONEEEEEEEEEEEE. I asked God in my spirit,"What are the odds this cutie pie would sit next to me?" There were so many empty seats up front and he was carrying a cooler. He walked up to me and asked me if the seat was taken. I shook my head no. I watched him settle in. He smelled sooooooooo good. I gave up a quick shout out to God. He is my homie yanno! I even accomodated him and his cooler. Now I am six feet two. He was like six three or sixfour I guess. This is going to sound funny, but he felt just right next to me. Like he belonged. (I have dated and been in relationships, but he is the ONLY man that FELT that way to me. Usually I have to let him grow on me.) In my lusting heart, I was gratefully that I wore my good push up bra and my babydoll blouse had MAJOR cleavage. I grinned at him and he looked at me and turned away. My ego was CRUSHED. I went from sitting up straight to my regular slouch. Oh, and my infamous pout. The train pulled off and now I wished the old lady had sat next to me. At least old ladies have good snacks. He pulled out this HUGE grey cellular phone. Now the phones we use TODAY we call them cellular phones, but they are actually digital. Dude had a show nuff cell phone. He started punching numbers and I leaned over to him. That niggum gave me the Bish Whatchu want stare. Now Shai an nem are in my ears so I knew if I spoke, it would be LOUD. I slid one headphone earpiece over and whispered that he couldn't use the phone right now. He asked me why and I told him that the signal wouldn't hold. He proceeds to tell me how many gigahertz's he has and woo woo woo woo. I looked at him over the rims of my sunglasses. He pushes send and talks to whomever he dialed. Well, the train went into the tunnel just like I knew it would and WHOMP. He lost his call. He tried again but got no signal. When the train came out of the tunnel, he dialed again. I leaned again and his body language told me to hush. He asked me what? I shook my head and leaned back with my boys Shai. He got cut off again and I snickered. He twisted his mouth as if he were going to make a wise crack and I raised my finger. I told him as sweetly as I possibly could that I had six more hours on this train. We could be nice, or we could not say shit to one another for the next six hours. He had to decide not now but RIGHT NOW what was it going to be. For some reason that tickled him. We made a pact to be nice to one another til I got off of the train. He wouldn't arrive to his destination for awhileeeeeeee after I got off. We formally introduced ourselves and I informed him when it would be good to make his call. He made three calls and hung up. Then he opened his cooler and pulled out the longest Heineken I had ever seen. He offered it to me and I declined. He sat back, finished his beer and leaned back. We talked for a while-I had to put Shai on low so I could hear. He fell asleep. I turned Shai back up and began to look out of the window and fantasize about this dude. In the midst of my daydream-dude was knocked out and laying on my shoulders. I looked over in shock. I wiggled a little and he made himself more comfy on my boobies! I didn't know what to do. If I didn't like him, I would have woke his ass right up. But I liked watching him sleep. I just leaned back and let him rest. The next thing I realised-I was cradled in HIS arms. Head all up in his neck! The best way I can describe it is this way: One arm over me. My head nestled in his neck. He was reading a magazine holding it with his free hand. He must have felt me stir cuz he popped a green grape in my mouth. I ate it, with the AFTER THOUGHT of "Did he wash his hands?" This thing was surreal. I didn't KNOW him. But it FELT right. I needed two things. To pee and to smoke. I announced this to him and he smiled. He walked me to the loo and waited for me. Then he went in and I waited for him. The only place I could smoke was in the lounge car. He didn't smoke and was making comments about me smoking. I told his ass that he could go back to the seat. He chose to sit next to me. The people who were in the lounge seats they have in there asked us how long had we been together. Without missing a beat, he said four hours. We laughed and they looked at us strangely. The woman smiled but her dude said, I will never forget it as long as I live-no matter whom I finally marry-"Man, if you aren't with her, you need to drop whomever you are with cuz she is the ONE." All I could do was look ignorant and drag on my cigarette. He laughed, and I smiled. Never in my life was I so interested in a cigarette-or speechless. We left the lounge and he talked about coming to Jersey. I talked about how I am always in D.C. He confessed about having a girl. I kept my feelings to myself and my game face on. He wanted my number and I told him I would get a pen before my stop. We laughed, debated in a friendly way and all the while my heart was broken. Just before my stop, he took my suitcase down for me and looked at me. I fessed up that I can't do a guy who had a girl. He said he understood. He still wanted to exchange numbers as friends but I couldn't. I didn't want him as a FRIEND. He toted my suitcase off of the train and hugged me and got back on. I looked at that train til it pulled off. My cousin asked me what was wrong and I told her. To this day when I bitch about the single life she mentions Dude. I won't mention his name or where his destination was-just in case fate is kind(though I HIGHLY doubt it)and we happen to run into one another again. Yall net fools won't FOOL ME like you are him. lol Nineteen years later, I have rode the rails-and I say my little mojo but it has NEVER happend again. Not with him, not with another cutie pie. For a couple of years my heart would quicken when I went to D.C. I was half wanting to run into him, half not. Now I don't think about it. I have dated and had fun and heartbreaks but THAT EXPERIENCE is mine. I am kind of glad that we never hooked up. Keeps a pleasant fantasy in my mind sometimes. __________________

Survivor: Bum Puzzled

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 23:56:00 +0000

Ask ANYONE what television show you had better NOT call me during? They will say Survivor. From the old days when it would come on Thursdays at 8pm est on CBS to it's Wednesdays at 8pm est now.

I have been complaining on Twitter for at LEAST the last three seasons how much I despise Redemption Island and how the game has gone Soft. Folks given food and supplies and just one challenge/immunity combo. The Russel Hantz leading folks who didn't deserve to win but won because the jury couldn't stand Russell. The Phillip Hot Pink Manties with the serious sag in the butt area.

As a black woman, anything that has black people on it-I check out the type of black people (ie: are they Omarosa Embarrassing or Vecepia representing Proudly types) and Survivor has only disappointed me in that area but that's another post.

I discovered my Get Glue Fam a couple of seasons ago and it's even more fun to whine and complain about folks who have claimed to "watch" Survivor yet play like jackasses.

When I heard about this season going back almost to basics (Redemption Island is gone-HALLELUJAH!!!) but the twists and surprises ie: Find an idol-it doesn't help you because you have to give to a member of the OTHER tribe. Love it.

I saw Colton and said the macho men were going to EAT his flaming ass up. I saw Leif and HOPED he wouldn't be targeted because he was a little person. (Survivor has NEVER been empathetic about "different" people. Ever. Remember the player with the one leg?)

When Sabrina gave him the idol, I breathed a sigh of relief because at LEAST he would have a chance. Then Colton revealed who he REALLY WAS. I began to look for someone else to root for.

Then Bum Puzzled came on last night. I watched with glee that Alicia who keeps an perpetual chip on her shoulder was FINALLY going to (maybe)get voted off. She cost the women the immunity challenge. Then the camera flips to Colton just spewing his hatred of Bill to Bill. He referred to Leif as an Oompa Loompa because Leif -bless his little heart-revealed to Bill that he was next. Now there is a target on Leif. But Colton rallied his tribe under the guise of getting rid of Leif. Going as far as to "suggest" that they give their immunity idol to the women so that they could go into tribal council and vote Leif's betraying ass off. After all, they were about integrity, right?

I have NEVER blogged or had the urge to blog about Survivor. It's a television show. I watch, cheer or get ticked off and keep it moving.

Last night left a nasty taste in my mouth that I cannot seem to shake.

Forget the fact that the rest of the men were too STUPID to have pulled the ULTIMATE BLINDSIDE on Colton. That isn't what pissed me off.

I often discuss on my radio show about racism in the gay community. I can't find courageous gay and or lesbian women who are willing to call to the carpet GLAAD or any of the powerful LGT community about hate within a persecuted people.

GLAAD won't respond because I am not a lesbian, transgendered, transexual or gay. They feel I just have a little opinion about a major dirty secret they don't want REVEALED. They don't other gay and lesbian and transgendered, bi-sexual people to note how when it comes to hate crimes, just like in mainstream media-there is a BLACKOUT. Just like in the entertainment field if the black isn't Twanning out (Gay Samboing)then they aren't worth NOTE.

The heterosexual community seem to me are more outraged at Coltons racist vitriolic comments that he made to a Little Person and a Black Man than the gay community. When asked if he had any black friends, Colton pulled a statement that I NEVER thought I would hear out of ANYONES mouth in MY LIFETIME: "Yeah, my housekeeper."

Now, had Bill spewed anti-homosexual comments towards Colton-the roar of injustice would flow from the gay community. There would be calls for boycotting Survivor and the whole enchilada.

Bill would have had to go to anti gay slur rehab and an apology tour. (See Tracy Morgan, Isaiah Washington)and it STILL would not have been ENOUGH to satisfy them.

Mark Burnett and Jeff Probst is laughing all of the way to new and improved contracts and perks of the Survivor franchise. I WILL say that I know that Jeff did not approve nor agree with what Colton said. I don't hold him accountable because he is a stand up kind of guy. Cocky, but a stand up guy nevertheless.

Like the Tea Party being MUTE over Rush Limbaugh's defamatory ugly comments to Ms Fluke-the gay community has been MUTE over Coltons comments.

I would like to know why.

I would also like to know WHY that gay community isn't calling Colton to the carpet.

My Ashamed and Shy Supporters

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 10:12:00 +0000

If you listened to my radio show, You would THINK that NO ONE listens to my show. No matter how many times I give out the call in number-NOTHING. Right?

Well, my actual numbers belie this fact. My actual numbers are HIGH.

On my Facebook fan page, I am holding at 124 "likes" but because my link is also accessible the actual hits are in the tens of thousands. Seriously. Twice a week, I have dedicated to answering hundred of emails individually. Literally. 931 followers on Twitter and I actively communicate with about 20.

Lately, I have been contemplating OUTTING them. Asking them WHY the covert support? It makes absolutely NO SENSE to me. Why are you so SHY about saying, "Yes, I support Raven? "

I get complaints now because I cut my show to a half hour (after threatening for a full year to do so) from two hours-in my emails. I am told that my shows are TOO SHORT now. I have contemplated going to an hour but I REFUSE to do so until I have more audience participation.

But my audience is SHY. No matter what I post on the fan page-only five will actually respond. Of my 931 followers on Twitter only 7 will ever retweet my posts on a consistent basis.

This is nothing new. On messageboards, folks are proud to contact me in a private message-but are public mutes. On my own messageboard where I have cut the membership down to ten-three folks will post once ever four to five months. Even after making my personal board PRIVATE-they still won't post.

Looking at these stats this week has me asking-why the covert support and not the PUBLIC support? What it does is make me observe more closely those whose lying fingers praise-but they don't want to let the world know they agree with my show.

So far, my show from this past Sunday has the THIRD highest ratings of this quarter-yet you wouldn't know that by the responses.

Of all of the people who read this post-at the MOST 3 MAY respond publicly.

Pondering...

Living in Light

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 23:38:00 +0000

Being a Taurus, it is quite easy for me to hold a grudge. For a LONG TIME. Seriously. My grandmother used to say that I was “tenderhearted”(feelings easily bruised).

I have always felt that because I gave 100% to my friendships, relationships, work and associations-that I should get 100% right back.

Well life isn’t like that. It is hard for me to accept that as a fact, but through honest and true prayer and meditation-that battle I truly gave to God. Period.

I mentioned on my radio show a few weeks ago about the friend of mine who told me to “leave her in her misery.” I was FLOORED but when I took ME out of the equation-she was absolutely correct. She had EVERY RIGHT to stew and marinate in her misery.

But I had rights as well. I choose to live in the Light. In the positive even when I have shed bitter tears of confusion as to The why? Why? Because life is such a gift and who am I to spit on God’s gift to me? It’s like giving someone a Silver Shadow Rolls Royce and they key it up.

I have found that when some of you all are going through your WAHHHHHH WAHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHH phase, I will reach out and if you snap at me-I will leave your tookus right in the mire. Because that is where you WANT to be and who am I to try to save you. lol

Why you may ask? Because in my short time on God’s Earth, I have learned that misery is your comfort zone.

Oh, you may SAY that you desire to be happy. You have every Iyanla Vanzant, Steve Harvey Walk like a duck books, Dr. Phil and Oprah’s self help manuals and every available tool out there-yet you still cry bitter tears in your pillow.

The cure isn’t in a tape, or a book. The cure resides inside of you.

Misery is a learned behavior. When you were born you weren’t born in misery. You may have had miserable experiences or as you aged things happened to have you in misery-but you have the decision to be there.

I have been DEVESTATED by family members, friends, associates and shoo people I never really had anything to do with. But the one thing I had to learn in this life is this: Stop giving people permission to get and STAY on your nerves.

Even God Himself does not override our free will therefore who are YOU to think you can override someone else’s? No matter how much you care or “love” that person free will is always in the mix.

If I could make folk “BEHAVE” I would be a kazillionairess. Wars would be erradicated, everyone would have full bellies and love would be abound. I can no more override someones free will as I will ever be a size two again.

I have learned to acknowledge my hurt. Snot, yell, cry some more maybe even kick my feet. When I blow my nose and wash my face, you and whatever the issue goes right down that drain. Then I am DONE.

My family members and friends are over here on this page. Ask them. I can be in a room with a so called enemy and don’t even SEE them even if they are sitting next to me. Not with an attitude-they just don’t EXIST to me.

I used to fight. I could punch you out better than some dudes. I am older now. They don’t allow smoking in jail. I like my cigarettes.

Life became so much better when I learned to drop grudges. When you hurt me, you have already messed up. You won’t get another chance. So why should I hold onto my anger breaking my own spirit down while you have gone on? Oh, you DO Know that the person/people DO MOVE ON? No sleepless nights. No heavy hearts. No misery at hurting YOU.

Then there are the ” I just GOT TO LET EM KNOW” disease. Le sighhhh. These people get on my LAST NERVES. You tell them to move on and they are so focused on LETTING their enemy KNOW-that you could squat and play in your butt and get a better response. They don’t hear you-because they are letting folks Know.

Yep, letting their enemy KNOW that they can manipulate their emotions ANYTIME THEY FEEL LIKE.

I leave these types of folk alone as well. I don’t have bail money for you letting someone KNOW.

Walk in the light people. Let the dead weight GO. Make a firm decision to Live and enjoy this gift we call Life.

Do you know that over 95% of the things that so call irk you, or piss you off are really insignificant? At the time, they seem soooooooooo HUGE and when you look back on it-you ask yourself, “Why did I even allow that to piss me off?”

Think about it. Then go find your Light.

My Annual little Vent

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Sun, 12 Dec 2010 07:06:00 +0000

As I surf the internet, I find things that educate me, amuse me, make me give the SERIOUS SIDE to, and then there are the things that just ticks me off.

Number One on my list-The Religious Folk.

Religious Folk annoy me. They go on gossip boards, post their groupie excursions and then try to PREACH thus saith the Lord. They try to convince me and other folks that they HAVE to get married because they are pregnant because that is what God requires. They condemn abortion-yet will willingly sleep with another woman's husband.

Now call me crazy, but I thought pre-marital sex and adultery are on God's top ten list of what you shouldn't do.

Organized religion is to me just a way that folks who DO SIN tell others that they can't.

I myself try to live a righteous Godly life, but I don't lie to God (because He knows the TRUTH ANYWAY) nor to myself because that isn't how one grows in their walk to get closer to HIM.

Secondly, STANS should be locked up in psychiatric facilities.
You don't KNOW this person, yet you know the color of their poo and how they live their daily lives. The worse of these STANS are the Michael Jackson STANS. Not FANS but psychotic individuals who has NEVER even had Michael say Boo Boo Kitty to them. They know who he screwed, what he did and didn't do on a daily basis. Funny, during his two trials where were these folks TESTIFYING on Michael s behalf at his trial on the stand? Where were they when he needed intervention?

I admired the man greatly and deeply, but there is a difference in loving and admiring someone vs acting like a damned psycho.

Thirdly, The Glorifying of Mistresses and Groupies.
These women can't tell me NADA. I don't care how many Wives of...shows that are put on the air, am I the only person who realizes that 99 % of these women AREN'T WIVES?

Real Housewives of Atlanta is Bravo's HIGHEST rated show, yet it's the only single solitary Housewives franchise that isn't entirely black I mean they havea token white woman-who ironically is the breakout star? These women live in deluded worlds of money and loneliness. Where are the Husbands?

Shaunie Oneal sits like the big pimpstress over Basketball wives-but how come she isn't educating future WIVES based on her her own learning lessons? Because she knows Drama sells and she is cashing in all of the way to the bank.

There is nothing glamorous about being a mistress or a groupie. A whore is a whore no matter how you try to dress it up.

The real reality show should show the bitter truth about being just a sperm receptacle.

My Daddy

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Tue, 11 May 2010 06:17:00 +0000

I have the BEST Father ever. When God gave out Daddies, he knew I would need one like the one HE gave me. Though we fuss, and sometimes life doesn't mean that we understand each others walks-I have always known in my heart my earthly Protector has my back.

Who else could CRUSH the dudes I brought by the house hands to see if they were "weak" in character and or spirit? Who else could be the literal fear of God in potential mates if they hurt his six foot two BABY? lol

God showed me what a REAL MAN is all about in being raised by you. A real man went to work EVERYDAY and never allowed his daughters to know a hungry day nor a homeless day. A Real Man worked from midnight to eight and met his "Oldest Sixx" at the train station if only to see her get on the train to school safely.

A Real Man who brought his daughters pizza and junk food when Mother was away and the day before made the proper meals we should have been eating all along.

I now fully understand why you were emphatic about us not dating before sixteen and encouraging not only myself but my sister as well in being INDEPENDENT Ladies-even when I at least I insisted on being a Rock N Roller rebel-complete with Blue or Green or Pank Hurr.

I can remember chilling sitting on your lap vibing with Miles Davis, John Coltrane, Sly and The Family Stone or even Crosby, Stills, and Nash. I can also remember bonding over Prince and me introducing you to AC/DC and convincing you they weren't devil worshipers. lol

Though I have a ton of Mommy's qualities-I also have yours. The sense of not living a lie no matter what. The sense of deep commitment to those who are close to you and learning when to cut a mofo off when they need to be. To be hard working and ethical no matter WHAT THE MAN says I should do in order to advance.

You don't think I still do it, but every birthday-I assess my life and my mistakes and make that list of what I need to do to improve myself not only for prosperity in my bank accounts-but my spiritual bank account.

I observed you care for your wife, my mother. How you would do HARD LABORIOUS work and rush home if only to clean her mouth with the glycerin swabs and make sure she was comfortable as you watched woman you married 35 years prior die daily before you. You were faithful and it pained you-but you never abandoned her in her time of need.

When I said I wanted to sing-you made me practice. When I picked up various instruments, you paid for them and made me practice. When I couldn't do my math, you found an ancient book of math to confuse me and keep me in tears. But I passed my math and the running joke is that I became an Accountant despite myself. When I had to performed you got out of you much needed sleep to attend.

So many of my peers have HORROR stories about their dads or no story at all.

One of my lasting memories is when I graduated and Mommy was in the hospital in ICU. This spanish chick hit my sister and I of course went to fight her three days before graduation. I lost the fight because someone tripped me as I was wailing on that behind. I came home MAD and you looked at me and laughed because I was concerned whether or not I had a scratch on my face or if it was as swollen as I thought it was. lol

You convinced me I wasn't marked and on graduation day when I was nervous about being the tallest girl-when I walked that aisle the paparazzi-I mean you were right there snapping my pictures. In between you blinding me, I saw Grandma YoYo right there grinning and cheering for me.

When we went to visit Mommy in the ICU-you keeping taking my doggone pictures. lol But I always kept that memory in my heart.

My second memory that stands above all was the day I came to your job with two dozen pink roses. You came and received those roses proudly. Your co-workers were worried about who was this woman bringing flowers to El Gato. lol

My third top memory was at Mother's funeral and the re-pass. Not ONE SOUL could say you cheated on her during the marriage, nor mistreated her. Through my tears, and bitter pain my chest did puff out with pride listening to folks praise you.

Yes, there are a gazillion memories I could mention-but those are my top three. There isn't an aunt, or cousin who can dispute these facts.

Though we butt heads-God KNOWS we butt heads a lot-I wouldn't trade you for ANYTHING. You and my Sister are my WORLD-everything else and anyone else is added dressing. It is just the three of us now and if God took me away today or tomorrow-I have been better than blessed to have you in my life.

So who's really cashing in on the single Black woman/Black love phenomena???

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 06:32:00 +0000

I'm really wondering? In my opinion, you have the LEAST QUALIFIED people leading discussions, selling books, going on talk shows and giving advice to Black women on how to pull and marry a man???? Maybe it's just me, but that seems really off!

Tariq Nasheed has these podcasts about single black women. Yet, he's an unmarried, well into his 30's Black man, probably with no intent to marry.

Hill Harper wrote "The Conversation" yet he's a 43 year old single, never been married Black man. But he wants us to discuss this issue (BTW, I loved the book).

Steve Harvey. Okay, so he's married. YET, he's been married like 3 times, and didn't his ex wife call him out for playing her on the alimony, etc.???

Then you have women like Michelle McKinney Hammond. Once again, unmarried, but the author of books like "How to Be Found by the Man You've Been Looking For," "How to Make Love Work," "Secrets of an Irresistible Woman" and "101 Ways to Get and Keep His Attention"

Then these specials like ABC, CNN, etc. These shows aren't actually doing anything to help the Black community. Essence is always negative about Black love.

I am positive about all love, including Black love. So who's really cashing in on the single Black woman/Black love phenomena???

From Hoe/Bitch to Mammie

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 15:52:00 +0000

Black “folk” not black people KILL me with their mess. If folk would get as passionate about the kids on the streets slinging drugs and teenage pregnancy as they do stirring the pot on non issues, we could really progress as a people.

Over Christmas I was sitting with my father and sister and the subject of growing up in the projects came up. Yes, before we got the house here in Jersey, we lived in one of New Yorks nicest projects.

I hated every minute of it. I was miserable. Not because it was the projects, but because the people were HORRIBLE to me. I quickly learned to knock folk out who picked on me. I am very tall (now six two), was accused of “talking white”, and I committed the worst sin of all-I loved and still do love rock n roll. I had the nerve to be smart and actually did my homework and passed my tests.

I didn’t hang outside with the other kids, I would travel to The Village and hang with the hippies and sing in Washington Square Park. My bff and dreamed of running away to go and live with Prince.

I have always been proud of me and my heritage. I have never limited myself to any one race of people or genre of music. I love trying different cultures foods and music. Growing up in the 70’s and 80’s right off of the civil rights movement, I have a great pride and responsibility to carry the mantle that those before me passed on to me.

I have always hated the word Nigger and unfortunately the first time I heard it was from a black man-the late great Redd Foxx. I learned more racist words from watching Archie Bunker. My parents always answered my myriad of questions and as I grew older I realized that people are just dumb.

I also can appreciate a warped sense of humor. I love George Carlin, Sam Kinnison, Richard Pryor, Simply Marvelous, Adele Givens, and Kathy Griffith. I really do. I was an avid Howard Stern listener from the moment he was on 66 WNBC am radio. Since I won’t pay for radio, I haven’t heard him in years.

So, having John Mayer as a friend isn’t all that shocking to me. He is a musical genius who continuously practices his craft. But he is an ass. I will be the first to say it. lol He just rambles whatever is on the top of his dome and now his current Playboy article is causing a riot on twitter and elsewhere.

He likened his penis to David Duke a KKK leader and he dropped the N bomb. All in one fell swoop. Reading his comments about his ex girlfriends was annoying me anyway but he didn’t quit while he was ahead. I was salty reading the article but then I moved on.

I thought about it and I forgave him. Publicly. I didn’t condone what he said, but like I said-he is an ass sometimes. I am not trying to date him, so he saying he doesn’t date black women doesn’t offend me. I don’t date short men. Cest la Vie!

Now later on, the firestorm hit Twitter. John Mayer is a RACIST! Mostly written by black people.

John Mayer isn’t a racist. An Ass, yes. A racist? Get real.

I have seen and heard WORSE from my own people. Why isn’t anyone up in arms when JayZ said on CAMERA when he was describing Amil (remember her?) as the classic black beauty because she was “Exotic” and classy looking? Why isn’t anyone up in arms about his wife who performs like an upscale stripper while singing “empowerment” songs?

BET is the most insulting channel on cable next to VH1. Headed by a black woman, tom foolery is constantly being fed to young black men and women DAILY. Videos of black women getting credit cards swiped down their asses and basically playing harem women to theses fools.

Where are todays Sidney Poiters, Ozzie Davis, and Cicely Tyson, and Diahanne Carrols? Black people who walked with dignity? Even Tina Turner and Lola Falana sexy as they were (and still are) carry themselves with CLASS.

With the surgence of “Black Hollywood” the images being spit out can’t be blamed on WHITE PEOPLE anymore. You can’t find a dark skinned sister in their movies and videos in a leading capacity.

Listen to rap songs of today. Bitches and hoes in every lyric. Folk have had forums DEFENDING the right to use the N word because when WE say it -it’s with love.

Miss me with that b.s.

I am not buying it and if we want respect from other races and cultures-we have to start within our own. Period.

When we see one of our own objectifying one of our own-we need to check it on the spot.

Holly Robinson Peete was referred to as a Mammie because she was quoted as saying she was flattered that John Mayer had her on his hot list of women he would love to sleep with. Why should she be called a Mammie when she is a Mommy to her four kids and a WIFE to her husband?

We don’t laud people like her who exemplify what a black family is SUPPOSED to look like. What the Obamas exemplify what a black family is supposed to look like.

We embrace dead beat dads and baby mamas. Why?

Before we check John Mayer about what he said, we need to check ourselves about what we are doing to each other FIRST.

Black is very beautiful and we are a great culture, we need to start showing it to US first and the world THEN would take a page from our very own stories. We can’t demand respect or that people stop using hurtful words until we stop doing it FIRST.

This is it-for Me

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 17:04:00 +0000

Michael Jackson is gone. Forever.

Just typing those words just stings really bad. Michael is gone from drugs. That is the unbearable truth. Like all of the greats that we have lost, we lost one of the brightest angels from drug use-the unnecessary and most preventable death. Whether it had been June 25th or December 1st, that dance would have taken him away eventually.

It is hard to explain as a 41 year old woman how someone you have never known but have grown up with death could affect you in one of the most personal ways. I can honestly remember saying everytime I hear Neyo sing-Gosh, I wish Mike would get himself together and shut these fools down and take his act back. lol

Michael Jackson borrowed from a lot of artist in his lifetime as well. Music, dance moves, verses-but he made them his own. He also worked hard on his craft to be the best that he could be.

I remember seeing Michael's press conference for the This Is It Tour. My first reaction was DAMN! I couldn't bear to see the once again drastic change in Michael. I asked to no one in my home-WHEN IS HE GOING TO STOP THIS FOOLISHNESS? Yet, when after the press conference the commentators began ridiculing Michael and dismissing him as if he were a nobody-I got angry at them.

That has been our dance in the black community with Michael Jackson for years. Worrying about his appearance but loving him unconditionally anyway and defending him to the tee if someone said anything about him.

We are a loving people who love to the point of enabling bad behaviors. We say, "Oh that's just so and so. He/She is just a little special, they'll get it right sooner or later. Just pray for em."

I am guilty of it and so many of us are guilty of it as well.

Even though Marlon was my favorite Jackson (and future husband cuz I said so) the love I had for Michael is legendary in my family. I have literally gotten my pimp slap hand perfected from fighting cousins, strengthened my vocal cords from arguing and protecting my Mike (and any other Jackson). The first time I papered my entire bedroom with posters-was with The Jackson 5/The Jacksons.

A Jackson album or 45 (old heads know what that is) didn't come out without my father bringing in the brown paper bag with it in it.

There hasn't been ONE party in my entire life that I have attended that several Jackson songs hasn't been played.

Back in the day they used put the single dance records on 12" extended mixes. Brown Juice would flow alongside the tata salad and chicken and folks would try to dance til the record was over! lol Of course us "young folk" would last, but you could bet my daddy and few others would hang in there right along with us. lol I can remember one party distinctly where I should my poor lil body "down to the ground" along to Shake your body down to the grounduntil I caught a sho nuff stitch in my side. lol I had to learn not to shake so hard.

Cynthia Horner kept me informed of all Jackson activities through Right On! magazine. I would proudly take my allowance money and buy my magazines and read them fifty eleven times until the next issue came out.

Sure, I wasn't dedicated to just Michael. Hell, Prince and his nassy self was out dancing in his panties while playing wicked guitar. Rick James old self flounced on stage with reefer in his lips tossing his braids. My other boyfriend Ronnie DeVoe and New Edition were doing the Jackson act-I was in lub. Foster Silvers left so he had to be replaced with a young boy with a grown mans voice-Johnny Gill.

But Michael was THE MAN. I saw his transitions. His cutest sexiest period for me is the Off the Wall years and in the Beat It video. Michael like so many brothas kept his curl way too long.

His skin lightened and I ignored it until the Bad album. But the music was banging and I shut my eyes to what I was seeing.

I didn't then and I still don't believe the child molestation charges. I have argued with many people in real life and on messageboards why I didn't believe them. It had nothing to do with being a "fan", it was all about the facts. I will say the second charges made me angry with Michael for not protecting himself BETTER from evil money hungry folks. So many needy children lost the opportunity to have met this man and had just a little happiness before their illnesses took them from this plane. All because a few folks tried to bring this man down.

Though I no longer want to spit in Martin Bashir's face-I would still love to have a talk with him. To ask some very pertinent questions about his motives then and his recantation after Michael died. The words he could have said back then that mean nothing now.

The Michael situation is why I wouldn't babysit or allow my godchildren to sleep over until they could bathe themselves. Just the accusation of improper behavior can ruin you for life. It doesn't matter if you are innocent-once accused-you wear that stripe for a lifetime.

Then Michael left us. He put out two more albums and I rocked with them. Then the new music stopped coming.

Folks were still writing garbage about Michael.
I then hadn't seen Michael until the press conference this year. My tears fell. This wasn't just a whiter version of Michael. He looked HORRIBLE. I will type these words again-Michael was HIGH. I know High when I see it. I have seen it all around me all of my life. All I could say is, " Michael Why?"

I was sad to learn that he wasn't going to tour here in the States. I was jealous but understood how the Europeans openly show him love and supported him. It made sense, but I was sad. In my mind I thought he would change his mind and come here. At LEAST to New York where we here in the Tri-State area have always shown him open love.

I can remember June 25th very well. Whoopi announced that Farrah Fawcett died on The View. I was saddened because I liked Farrah. We had lost David Carradine and Ed McMahon that week as well. My childhood favorites. NOTHING had prepared me for the breaking news on Twitter of all places that Michael Jackson had been rushed to the hospital in full cardiac arrest. I saw in some places that he had passed. He was going to remain alive in my mind until CNN announced it. Then Wolf Blitzer announced it.

I went numb. Then that photo from Entertainment Tonight came out with Michael in the ambulance. I have since boycotted ET. I will do like I did with the NY Post when they showed Eric Claptons sons deady body uncovered from his fall from the window. Have purchased or read a Post SINCE.

They invaded this mans life and he couldn't even have privacy in his illness or death.

I cried at the memorial long hard tears. Real tears that contained pain. Unbelief. I cried for his children, his family. He was someones father, someones son and someones brother and uncle. He was human. He was the human that a vast majority of us never really saw.

I am thankful that the Jackson Family kept it as private as they could. Many people are upset about it-but it is THEIR RIGHT to see how THEIR family member is laid to rest.

Now the movie This Is It is out. I was going to go see it then I made up in my mind that I don't want to see it after the clips I saw online. I know Michael would have brought it like his has done so many times. I know that it is beautiful and moving. I know all of this and I haven't seen it.

I don't want to see it.

I choose to remember Michael the way I want to. The healthier looking Michael. That beautiful smile. Those soulful eyes.

My parties will be full of Jackson songs and I will still shake my body to the ground.

Thank You

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 01:41:00 +0000

I celebrated my year on the air like I celebrate many things in my life-quietly. This Sunday I casually mentioned that my show has been on the air a year and that it has been a labor of love and frustration. Ha!

Well, since Sundays show with the legendary Melba Moore-I have been bombarded by friends and my sister about how I don't really promote the show. How I allowed an entire to come and not say anything nor do any type of hoopla thing for it.

I am just not one to toot my horn. I can sing my butt off-yet I have no desire to sing professionally. I clown around so much that folk THINK I can't sing, but I attended P.A. schools my entire life.

I assistant has been trying to get me to write my bio and those who know me want me to write a book. The bio I will eventually finish-but the book-mehhhh. lol

You see, I am the type of person when I see something that needs to be done, or done the right way-I just jump in.

My former co-host and I had LEGENDARY fights about me promoting and advertising folks on my site for FREE.

As economically challenged as I am-I still won't charge. Because I feel it is my place to help not just benefit monetarily. I feel the money will come eventually.

Don't get me WRONG nor TWISTED, I am not naive nor stupid. I am a woman with a vision and I am walking this journey by good judgment and faith.

No one will ever take advantage of me. As easy as one goes up-the delete button is a beautiful thing! lol

I am just crazy to follow the vision that had been given to me. In my journey, I have been asked to compromise my standards and my position and I have found the strength to refuse.

In my journey I have had what I love to refer to as REHEARSALS. The trial and error parts of life. The disappointments and the sheer glee when things have gone right.

One of the things I have learned in particular when working with my fellow black race-I have learned that we are distrustful towards one another. If your last name isn't Shapiro or Horowitz, you can't be legit.

I have had folks raised an approving eye when I say RADIO SHOW, then when is informed that it is on the internet-I have seen the disapproving eye. lol

If I were on FM radio here, I am only aired in the tri-state area. I am reaching FAITHFUL listeners in Germany, the UK, and New Zealand. In other words-THE WORLD.

I don't do gossip but I will blast a fool when the occasion requires me to. I am not beholden to sponsors who tell me what to say or how to do my show.

I want to the type of show that I would want to listen to.

I know and understand the responsibility I have to my listeners. To always be honest and as open as I choose to be.

So, I thank God for my year in radio. I humbly thank my fans and my friends who support me. I thank God for growth and maturity.

I also thank YOU my blog readers.

Computer Love-realistic or set up for Heartbreak

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 23:09:00 +0000

There isn't a day when someone comes up and tells me about this WONDERFUL person they have "met". When the conversation continues, you find out that this wonderful person lives 2500 miles away or is in another country altogether.

Is the internet the NEW Social form of dating? Why is that?

Whenever someone tells me about the wonderful person they have met, I always ask-why go online to meet a fool when your state is full of them? lol

I am paranoid about meeting people offline. It doesn't matter if they are female or male. I am talking about simple friendship. Not even a relationship.

I have been online since the nineties and when I first came online, I noticed there was a different TYPE of person online. They were the same online as they were offline and the net wasn't being used as a dating tool.

Yes, people met and fell in love and married, but that wasn't the focus. It seems that's all people use it for now.

I have YET to see a successful internet founded love. It seems folks have met, "loved" and found out that the wonderful person isn't so "wonderful."

I have a theory about this.

It is easier for folks to pretend to be "wonderful" when the other is so far away. They know (or hope-lol) that you aren't going to just show up to see that mansion is just an apartment or that Mercedes is a Datsun.

When they send pictures, the pictures aren't recent, and the lies just continue and the "wonderful person" is just another liar in that persons life.

Back in the day before unlimited long distance, I actually know of people who had phone bills that were as high as house notes. Just to find love.

Share your internet love stories or what you have learned since you have been online.

This thing called LIFE

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Sat, 25 Jul 2009 20:43:00 +0000

With the rash of legends passing recently, I have been a little more reflective lately. It brings my own mortality home to myself. How we spend so much time in this thing we call life-Wasting it.

I have always tried to live my life as Jesus as taught me how to. In love and compassion. It isn't always easy to live in that walk especially when it seems like everyone around you aren't.

I hear and read a lot of folks professing their love for God but in the same breath exhibit behaviors that are very contrary to God's teachings.

I have seen people kill in the name of God, lie in the name of God, lie on God and justify their nonsense in the name of God.

I remember a few years ago, I had this dream. In the dream God was showing how people treat him like HE is the The Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny, or Santa Claus.

A lie we have been taught from generation to generation.

Then there are those who think God is David Copperfield or David Blaine. One way of His magic wand and our nonsense is waived away.

We want to believe that we can do our mess and blink-whoomp-all gone and no repercussions. We want our spiritual leaders to walk on air and live perfect lives even though inside we know our own imperfections are ever before us.

We put our faith in the fallible. We put expectations on people who like ourselves are imperfect and put them on pedestals that are so high that when they fall-we are sorely disappointed.

Then we blame God. It's HIS fault because He didn't wave His magic wand for us.

We blame God when good people die. We blame God when He didn't "change" a bad person who caused us pain.

We question the validity of God when a child dies or a person is starving or homeless.

What we don't do is take ownership of our OWN actions. How many of you have taken the time to volunteer at a homeless shelter or a youth shelter? How about visiting a hospital and sit with a cancer patient? In secret without the bells and whistles and accolades.

We put so much on God when He gave US the tools to use with one another.

Instead of making the ones we love our "Substitute Gods" we should truly learn to work together through our flaws and above our egos. We should stop coveting things that we can't take with us or how people perceive us.

If you learn to appreciate this thing God gave us called LIFE and realize the gift that it really is-we will enjoy living it more!

Nothing in this world is truly FREE

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Sat, 09 May 2009 17:52:00 +0000

I hate sounding like a conspirator, but all of these free food give aways from places that normal don't give anything but thicker hips and heartburn troubles my spirit.

I know we are in a recession, but feeding someone for a day isn't cutting it. The idea of these places luring folks in for not so free or fully stocked freebies when they won't even give those folks a JOB is just WRONG.

I have had family work in fast food restaurants and the amount of food they actually THROW AWAY is disgusting. If an employee takes that food they are fired on the spot. It must go into the garbage can.

This is my number one reason why I don't support ANY Krogers. They fired an elderly bag man for eating a doughnut that was on it's way to the garbage. A 39 cent stale doughnut cost him his job.

I would rather see KFC or Popeyes link up with Oprah to have job fairs for the youth, and delivering the surplus unsold food to the homeless or battered womens shelters than coming up with these ill prepared campaign gimmicks.

Dear Mother

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Thu, 07 May 2009 14:55:00 +0000

I want you to know that I am finally accepting that you and God made a decision to go to Him. The Christian in me knows that He doesn't make mistakes but the human side of me was and just a little bit still mad and selfish that you left me.

I can remember all of my activities and how you would sacrifice so I could play in the school band or hunting a red skirt and white blouse in the dead of winter so I could perform. I didn't know until years later that you used money that you had set aside for yourself to buy clothes just for me and my sister. How I needed to make a chocolate mousse for French class and we got up and made it together. How we went leaf hunting and you ironing the leaves perfectly straight between wax paper. Half of my A's you were responsible and the other half I credit Daddy.

I thank you for allowing my phases: blue hair, black and blonde hair, plastering heavy metal artists all over my wall and forgiving me for trying to get a tattoo in the kitchen.

I miss your wake up calls to make sure I am up to go to work. I miss you calling me all times a night to tell me the order numbers on QVC and Hsn. I miss painting with you. I miss you waking me up before God and nem just to talk and make nana puddin-and you knew how much I DESPISED nana pudding. There I would be stirring that dang custard with sleep in my eyes and you sitting at the kitchen table saying, "Don't forget to stir the custard."

I play monopoly online now. Everytime I see the iron token, I get mad cuz you always beat me with that iron. You were the only one who could beat me in Monopoly, Scrabble and our favorite-YATZEE!

I remember when I had my reconstructive surgery, waking up and choking and you lifted my head. You even made me smile because the first surgery had me one door from pediatrics and because of low beds I was now actually in the pediatric unit. lol I remember before the nurse made you leave, you putting my lil white bear in my arms for me because I couldn't lift my arms. I made the nurses put it back exactly like you had it when they would come in.

We still have the New Years Day videos where you and I would have just a pinch too much champagne and we both would start crying and atoning for the previous years fussing. lol Five minutes later, we would be off to the races with brand new fussing. lol

Welp, another Mother's Day is coming up. It is strange not having a nervous breakdown to find THE PERFECT GIFT for the woman who had EVERYTHING ALREADY. Funny how you would torture me even further by NOT giving Qvc and Hsn item numbers as hints around that time. So I would have pour over the stores sweating and panting and mean mugging folks who dared to touch a Possible gift item I was reaching for.

I don't know why I stressed so much because whether it was a raggedy ashtray I made wif my own wittle hands or some gift I purchased, I always got your glow and love with anything I gave you.

How ironic, that you died on the very holiday you loved soooooooooo much. New Years Day hasn't been the same.

I used to cry bitter tears, but now I just feel a little sad, but the hurt is dulling to a tolerable pain now.

In closing,I thank God for giving me you for a Mom.

Living in Misery/ Negative Soul Suckers

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 05:50:00 +0000

One of my nearest and dearest friends taught me about living in misery. She doesn't WANT nor WILL live in the positive moments of life. I acknowledge that her "issues" are deeper than what my limited mind can deal or handle but I stand by her. Why, I just believe that one day she will snap out of it.

One thing I CAN say about her is that she DOES HAVE GOOD DAYS.

I am on the net and I cannot believe the amount of negativity that flows from folks fingertips on a DAILY BASIS. No matter where I am surfing, I see folks just COMPLAINING and whining about the same ole same ole. Once you get to know their fonts-you begin to see that they are living on pity and misery that they don't want to get out of. Why? Because, then no one will pity them.

Sunrises, and sunsets are WONDERFUL. Just taking a taken for granted breath is a blessing. Yes, life throws darts and some seem very difficult to dart away from. But if you just concentrate on the simple things like; dressing yourself, and going to the bathroom on your own accord, having a job to go to, and a roof over your head-makes life all worth it.

It reminds me of the old saying about the woman who complained because she had no new shoes but then saw a woman who had no feet to use.

Start counting your blessings people!

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 04:00:00 +0000

I have been trying over and over since the November 4. 2008 to really EXPRESS my awe and reverence to how I have been feeling over the past two years. How to put into words that evening and todays swearing in.

I have deleted EVERYTHING I have written because-it just doesn't capture those moments nor my deepest emotions.

As smart as I am, as lucky as folks tell me how I am-nothing seems to be HUMBLE enough.

I can truly see my mother grinning over the IDEA of an Obama. She and I are so much alike. Jessie Jackson, though I appreciate and will NEVER be what Obama has presented himself as: A man of the people WITH accountability and solutions no matter what.

YES, we DID!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 01:17:00 +0000

There are soooooooo many private trials and tribulations I can write about the last eight years. 9/11, the passing of my beloved mother, the struggles of establishing my business, my weight gain and a HOST of other most private things.

But anyone who knows me knows that I am not one to wallow in self pity or regrets or failure. When all have given up on me or sat on the sidelines waiting for me to kill myself, go completely nutz or just plain ole give in-they forgot-I am a Taurus Woman. Stubborn to the core. Failure is NEVER an option and I am far too young to lay down and die.

What I WILL write about is blind faith. That kind of faith that when even the closest to you want to tell you to just give up and settle you remember whom you really serve! I am far from a religious person. Many folks have been hurt by "religion" but FAITH will carry you when you don't even see how.

From the womb I have had to fight. Fight to live. To be. My mother had really bad toxemia with me and my birth had to be stalled for an extra month. So I am a ten month baby. She used to joke that during her final labor she was like Bob Barker; "Pleaseeeeeee come on down"-yet I would scoot back up inside of her when the doctors touched me. I was breeched and the doctor turned me and yet, I would not make my appearance into this world until I WAS READY.lol

My infant pictures have the the forceps imprints on my face until I was almost six months. and I was always taller than my peers. When I was nine months the doctors said my intestines were twisted and EIGHT doctors told my mother that I would need surgery. It was one nurse from my mothers hometown who told her that God said,"Don't let those doctors cut your baby."

I grew up loving rock and roll and being "different" from what folks believed I should be. I can remember when my childhood friend got into a horrendous car accident that rendered her paralyzed and mentally incapacitated. When they wheeled her to school, I was the only one who ran up to her and cried when she couldn't speak to me. I can still see her dribbling saltine crackers that I fed her because I knew she liked saltines as much as I did. I can remember my grandmother and mother trying to explain to me why my friend was like she was. I also remember the day she passed. I often think about her.

It is that determination and love of people that I have carried within me to this day. I am not the easiest person to get along with because I don't accept "can't". Either you tried and failed or you tried and became victorious with God's help.

It is that determination that led me to Reading, Pa to stump for Barack Obama. Far away from my comfort zone and all reasonable explanation to my friends and family. Just up jumped and boogied to a place I knew NOTHING of. Where I met some incredible people. some I am still in contact with and some I know I will never see or speak to again-but yet bonded at that time and moment.

Barack won. Yay. Yippee. Now the real work has to begin. Within US. ESPECIALLY us black folk. The excuses are OVER. The true legacy of Barack's presidency is how we as a people take up his mantle and run with it.

Demand that respect from others-yes-BUT demand that respect within our own selves FIRST. The time for selfishness has got to be over in our community.

Cleaning the lists in my life

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 19:36:00 +0000

There are days where I can just let things go and then there are days where I stop it right at the quick. It is very hard to try to walk right. It really is when everyone around you is walking wrong.

Then there are the quiet moments when a rank stranger sends you a note and it reminds you that your walk isn't alone and how being just YOU helps inspire others.

In this everyday hustle of life, I try to keep on the straight and narrow. I don't walk on water, so there are mistakes and lifes learning lessons along the way.

One of the biggest lessons that I learned at the Obama campaign is nipping things in the bud immediately. I need to stop internalizing things that reallllllly annoy me and when folks try to take advantage of me or take my kindness for weakness to let them not it isn't happening.

I can fight for my friends and family but have a hard time fighting for myself. I am also a slow learner in life. Studious things I catch on quickly but basic life lessons I am very slow. I don't like confrontations. lol

I was reading Sistar Jackies blog and you know what? My delete button works as well! lol I have been cleaning up all of my lists. Brushing the haters off. With love not animosity.

I will NEVER allow anyone to change me from being me because I love Me. But if you decide you don't -I wish you luck.

Like Sistar Jackie said, "Life is too short to worry about haters! " lol

It's funny. Those who try to backbite never realize how I pray for their sucess and lives. Just because I don't announce it in neon letters or from a megaphone, doesn't mean I don't call out their names in my prayers.

How I worry that they are eating and sleeping right. How whatever private things they are going through that God gives them favor.

I do it because that is who I am. I don't need accolades and rewards and pats on the back. Like everything in life, I do it because it needs to be done. Period.

But I have to take that same tenacity and turn it towards ME. I haven't been treating ME too well. I am looking at that woman in the mirror and I am making (not gonna)that change.

My days of being a doormat is OVER. You all are on notice!

To my 30, 40 and up somethings

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Wed, 01 Oct 2008 11:48:00 +0000

Aren't you glad you didn't go through your youth in the cyber age? lol I cannot fathom going through high school, college and my twenties online. lol

The closest thing to today was "hitting someone up on their beeper" lol and even THAT annoyed me! Memba #911? lol

We had video cameras and yeah, some folks were wicked with them-but you didn't have what the young folks have today. Todays sins is Todays Youtube. lol

Just think in your private thoughts, some of the "fun" you had back in the day. Can you imagine that two faced jealous heffa posting it for the world to see? We laugh about sex tapes, but can you imagine folks videoing you without your knowledge and creating a website about you?

One of the things I think about our age group that is blatantly different is the fact that we actually had the human touch. We left our homes and hung out with our friends. We got to know people on a personal not technological level.

Whether it was raising and lowering the shade in your bedroom window to signal that you were ready to hang out, or just knowing that you would be going somewhere on the weekends helped that bond.

Our generation was the last of the human touch generation. Times are a changing and it is not for the better.

The Media and this Election is PISSING ME OFF!!!

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 12:55:00 +0000

I am tired of turning on my television and seeing kindergarten antics being performed by so called journalists and people who are wanting MY VOTE!

It is times like this that I miss my beloved Peter Jennings and Tim Russert. I cannot fathom them entertaining this kind of non-sense. WHEN ARE THE REAL ISSUES going to come into play?

Unemployment is up by 6% and folks are wondering about a pitbull in a skirt? People are becoming HOMELESS and are STARVING right here in the United States and yet I have to listen to three days of lipstick on a pig?

This country is on the verge of a depression and the pundits are waving over everything but what really matters.

Why not discuss why in 2008 folks are willing to die before electing a black man to office?

John McCain is 72 years old. How can he and his camp try to attack Obama for a lipstick on a pig remark when on MY BIRTHDAY MAY 2ND of this year he used the VERY SAME quote in reference to Hillary Clinton!

I need for Obama to stop being MELLOW and really take these next fifty six days and HAMMER THE ISSUES back to the forefront of this election! His people need to be doing research and bringing forth what has been done these past eight years and call folks on the inconsistencies.

Sarah Palin was brought in a plug on a huge gash of a sinking ship. She isn't representing the best of what the United States is. I am tired of the bull-bring it back to where it ACTUALLY COUNTS because after November 4th I would like to open my eyes and knowing that I can actually go to a decent doctor because the quality and funding is there! I want healthcare that I can afford!

Because milk and gas cost the same, I don't want to choose which is more important.

I want both campaigns to bury the word CHANGE and I want to SEE CHANGE!

Rare private thoughts....

noreply@blogger.com (tortured_authoress) — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 03:11:00 +0000

All of my life, folks have said to me: You are too real. For a period of time I then became a pathological liar because when I told the truth-no one one believed me. When I joined the church (my ninety ninth time trying to seek Gods people) I got something from God that I never received before: "You don't have to lie or be something you aren't just to please folk. You will NEVER ever please folk. Be it family, friends, or foes."

Now, before folks run to call the men in the white jackets-I swear I heard that voice in my head. I have head from that voice Many times. Sometimes I listen, Sometimes I don't. When I listen, I learn that there is a blessing in a lesson for me. When I don't, I have to go through whatever trial my disobedience has brought to me.

I have also learned that people really aren't interested in TRUTH or Realism. Because lies make them feel so much better. Whether a weave, penile implant or your run of the mill lie-they would rather live in that than truth.

I remember the day I stopped lying. I called my mother and had a rare one on one with her where she actually allow me to speak. I told my mom that I will not lie anymore because God's Word said, "That everything will fail and fall but His Word."

Another person who stopped me and my bad habit was my grrandmother. She used to say a liar is a thief and and thief is a murderer and it was both who put Christ on the cross.

She was concerned if I was drinking that special Kool Aide in my new church, and I assured her that I wasn't. Once we got past that, she listened to me. I know before she left this plane she finally understood why I think and act the way I do.

I can remember attending my very first concert. Kool and the Gang. Teena Marie and Jessie Johnson were also there. I was hanging with my Aunt and Cousin. Don't ask me why, but I went forward and the guards just let me backstage.

I didn't have to do anything trifling to go back there. All I did was WALK. Teena Marie had passed out after her set and I was concerned. I walked backstage and she was sitting on a trunk. I went right up to her and asked her if she was allright. She looked at me and saw my sincerity and we started talking. Next thing I knew various members of Kool and the Gang were coming up to me and inviting me to a party. I told them I had to ask my Aunt if I could go. lol

I went back to my seat and told my Aunt and Cousin that Kool and the Gang wanted to ask them something. lol Hell, I was fifteen. I had no authority. lol

My Aunt told them No, and I had an attitude. I wanted to go to the damned party! Noooooooooo, she told them she had to WORK the next day! lol

That is how my life has been. Trusting and a chance taker. I have been in three videos-not featured gals, but I was there! lol I went to a Motley Crue concert, next thing I knew I was in VIP (true VIP) with Slash and Steven Sweet.

Got an internship just cuz I was taliking to Greg Steele of Faster Pussycat about a Long Island teen serial killer. Greg still owes me ten bucks. lol

But life has been an adventure for me. I have never asked anyone for a handout. Ever.

I know so many folk that it would blow some of you alls mind. My sister can attest to this fact! lol But I have never kissed anyones ass EVER. I don't care who you THINK you are-you will RESPECT ME.

Maybe that's why I am slowly living out my dream of promoting people I believe in.

The lil liar changed her ways and became a Woman.

My sister who is younger than I am but thinks she is older inspiers me everyday. Though, I don't tell her all of the time cuz she's a Scorpio and yall know how they are-j/k. lol

She doesn't like me getting hurt and she has seen me hurt. She says I am too trusting-and I am too trusting.

I guess that is why I am so private in my thoughts and actions. Failing doesn't frighten me. It just makes me try again or learn what to give up on or do differernt.

I don't seek fame or fortune. I honestly don't. They say when a loved one passes that God gives us a lesson. My mother used to always sing this song; "Let the life I lead speak for me." I never truly understood that song until I heard some stranger sing it at her funeral.

It was powerful and painful at the same time. I cried not because I was hurt about losing my mom, of course I was-but it seems when God's spirit touches me-I cry.The folks in my church used to call me "The Weeping Prophetess." I could honestly feel the words in that song.

God allowed me to live past tumors in my breast and a double partial mastectomy at the age of 23 to see 40. I haven't always walked a perfect nor righteous life-but God knows my heart. My sincerity of seeking His Face.

Nothing I have done or have experienced has blessed me as much as sitting and laughing with my lil sis and my father this past weekend. I am rich to have them in my life.

No fame, or amount of paper can beat that in my book.

If God closed my eyes tonight forever, I can truly say to the world-NOTHING and I mean Nothing means more to me than my family, and I hope like my mom or even better than my mom-that the life I lead will speak for Me.

I aint trying to go nowhere no time soon-lol-but I have to let folks know that if God can carry me and reform me, Nothing is impossible for Him to do for YOU.

It has nothing to do with religion. It has everything in acknowledging that there is something higher than Us and why we should be respectful and honest to one another.

Have I arrived? Nope. Still trying to find that bible based Church Home...aint it a blessing that God is so patient with us?