Who Am I?

In a moment of passion

2008-05-15T21:29:00.004-04:00

I Was Very Nervous by ~xwelgex on deviant ART

Standing During Sunset by ~xwelgex on deviant ART

Book

2008-05-10T17:26:00.001-04:00

Howard Roark
Chapter 1
The Fountainhead
His passion puts me to shame

Push and Pull

2008-05-09T16:46:00.006-04:00

I find that I go back and forth between art and not art.
Over analyzing
I think too much
I think I shouldn't be doing this
I haven't got any talent
And I don't want to pawn it off on others for not being encouraging
I should be able to have confidence in myself
But it isn't there
It will be
One day
I hope
I am going to finish a painting this weekend
I can do it
I do have what it takes
I am something special
Even if I'm the only one who sees it

Procrastination Has A Face

2008-04-28T19:17:00.002-04:00

I have finally completed it. It's taken the longest out of all of my paintings to complete. Almost 5 months. It began as a year long project, one brush stroke a day. I was going to test my patience, that didn't work, I gave up. And left it alone for a few months, only now to complete it

Procrastination Has A Face

2008-04-25T06:30:00.004-04:00

I sat down, finally, and painted. I didn't finish it, but it's almost there. The situation for painting was different. Usually I hit a massively creative vibe and run and paint for hours. This time I was super mellow, almost to the point of being tired and falling asleep. On top of that, it was a severly erotic moment. I was honestly not paying one lick of attention to the painting, but rather to the feelings going on in my body. This was exciting. Not knowing if my brush strokes were adequate or well good, and really not caring if they were or not.
Art and Seduction

Shipping of Arts

2008-04-17T06:16:00.006-04:00

I am selling two of my paintings, hopefully. I've found that I would much rather sell to someone I know, than to a complete stranger. At least I know they are genuinely interested, and I can get updates at to how they are enjoying them or using them. The person interested is looking at Numbers:

And Vulnerability:

It will be interesting trying to ship Vulnerability though. The canvas is 48in x 24in. So either I need to find a large cardboard mirror box, or have someone build me one. Either way it will be time consuming and expensive to ship.
Numbers is a painting that is hard to let go. It means a great deal to me. There is a quiet passion within it. Hopefully the person buying it will be able to see that.

The birds are up early

2008-04-16T06:17:00.003-04:00

I didn't lock myself away, and force myself to be creative. I walked past my room and saw my works, and was disappointed in myself. Why, I don't know. Issues. Instead I watched the Documentary Film Channel. I thought it was an intelligent thing to do, and a fair compromise. Though I know I should have been in the paint. Another great excuse is that I'm disliking my brushes right now. None of them are doing what I need. There's an easy rememdy for that, but I ignore it. Everything is in place, the paint, the canvas, my muse. But not myself. Tonight maybe.

Early Morning

2008-04-15T06:14:00.003-04:00

I am someone who needs to paint. There's something about the physical and emotional act of painting that I need. Yes need, not want or desire, need. It's a part of me and who I am, even though that's one thing I've tried desperately to stray away from. Why? Why would I try to tell myself that I'm not an artist. Because I have the tendency to listen to others and not myself. I was told that I was not an artist, that I was this list of other things, which in itself are all well and good, so I went with it. And now I'm feeling it, the draw, the emotional longing for the thing I love doing. But what has happened to me. I've lost confidence in my hands, in myself. I can't will myself to even attempt anymore. This pull back and forth is tiring. I will close myself off. Lock myself in. And paint. Force myself to get right again.

4/11 Nauseated

2008-04-11T17:46:00.004-04:00

I can be cliche
Use various metaphors
Drowning in a sea
Soaring through the air
I am not so shallow
My thoughts go beyond metaphors
Similes, Hyperboles, Ironies
Emotions slightly out of reach
Unable to be expressed in human words
Alien words?
Now that's just silly
I am not one for silliness
When seriousness is what I must convey
At least now
This is it
This is really it

4/6 Evening

2008-04-06T20:53:00.001-04:00

I am no good with my words.
It can be misunderstood as apathy.
It can be misconstrued as indifference.
It can be though of as simple mindedness.
All are false.

3/23 Afternoon

2008-03-23T12:57:00.002-04:00

I am a gardening woman. But only when the weather is nice.
I am strangely attracted to the physiques of Iggy Pop and Mich Jagger.
I am extremely hungry and I am so indecisive that I can not make a decision on what to make myself for lunch.
I am in the mood to take a nap outside, if only I had a hammock

3/10 Evening

2008-03-10T20:44:00.003-04:00

Who Am I?
I am late getting around do doing this pregnancy painting idea. Here is my belly just over one month. It'll get larger (obviously) and more detailed. But I think this is fun.

3/10 Morning

2008-03-10T06:04:00.003-04:00

Who Am I?
I am tired. Daylight Savings always kicks my behind.

Who Am I?
I am itchy. My allergy attacks haven't gone away completely with pregnancy, but they sure have subsided. Last night my side figured it wanted to turn red and raise itself in hives. So I itch, but it's not terrible.

Who Am I?
I am completely over emotional. I cried a lot of yesterday and the night before. Yes I was quite sensitive before, but now that I have a booger growing in my belly, it seems to be even worse.

Who Am I?
I am an artist. I love to paint, I need to paint. For my well being, for my emotions sake. I haven't painted in a while, and I need to, desperately.

3/7 Morning

2008-03-07T06:24:00.002-05:00

Who Am I?
I am not able to finish any of my meals. Not sure why, but I can't. Can I go back to bed? Can you call in a substitute for me?
Who Am I?
I am playing my saw. It soothes me, and calms me down. Even though I can't play any actual songs, and I just make random noises and notes that flow together, I love it. I love it like nobody's business.

3/4 Evening

2008-03-04T19:40:00.002-05:00

Who Am I?
I am a bloated mess. Water retention and all this hormone stuff makes me look like I just drank an entire six pack.

Who Am I?
I had a medical scare today. No, a scary person in a ragged nurses uniform didn't some in and spook me, (my terrible attempt at being funny) but I had one of my students diagnosed with the chicken pox and another with scarlett fever today. I frantically called my OB. With the chicken pox, the baby and myself are fine since I had it when I was younger, but there isn't anything they can do for scarlett fever right now, but I should contact the doc immediately if I become feverish. So let's hope that doesn't happen.

3/3 Evening

2008-03-03T20:30:00.003-05:00

Who Am I?
I am an emotional wreck. I know things are much easier said than done in most situations, including this. But this will be the longest nine months of my life. But I'm beginning to think that that is the wrong outlook to have. With that I will be constantly pessimistic, down, expecting the worst, which isn't fun for me or anyone around.

Who Am I?
I am someone who can work out her issues through just typing out her thoughts.

3/3

2008-03-03T05:39:00.000-05:00

Who Am I?
I am nauseous.

3/1

2008-03-01T12:49:00.002-05:00

Who Am I?
I am terribly bloated, or is that just a baby growing in my belly?
I am extremely tired, a great combination of quitting coffee and making a baby.

2/29

2008-02-29T18:12:00.003-05:00

Who Am I?
I am a nervous, scared, excited, elated individual.
I am 4 weeks pregnant.

Hush yo Mouth

2008-02-27T18:46:00.001-05:00

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you had a secret, and every ounce of your being wants to share it?
Yea that's me.

Center Universe

2008-02-27T05:24:00.002-05:00

I need to calm down. I need to slow down. I'm not sure when or why I became so amazingly stressed out. This is only at work. Not at home, not around my friends and family. Only at work. That is one of the worst places to have this sort of thing happen. My livelihood depends on my job. And if I have some ADD moment and screw it up, that would be terrible.
I just can't seem to focus, or stay on one task. I have papers that need to be filed from two months ago. That is not from laziness or procrastination, I've actually sit down to file, I just become distracted and start something else, and then become distracted and start something else. So now my desk is covered in papers and scissors and sharpies and index cards, from multiple things I tried to do. See I have a terrible memory so the moment I think of something, I know I need to do it right then or I'll forget, but when that happens multiple times in a half hour span, I have a handful of things I'm trying to do, and then I forget about all of them except the current one.
See where my frustration lies? I teach, and need to be focused and organized, in order to make the best learning experience for my students. I'm just afraid that I'm not doing that.

Allergy Attack

2008-02-26T05:42:00.003-05:00

Twice in the past three days. This time it wasn't food related. I had a dream I had to scratch my chest in order for this poem to be more effective in the classroom, yes i know it doesn't make sense. So in turn, I ended up scratching my chest, and here I wake up with hives all over it. It's that sensitive skin thing where I won't have any issues, but if I scratch it, there will be a hive.
So yet another day of trying to teach on no sleep. It's not that fun.
I broke out of my, I'm scared to spend money thing. I bought two books of poetry, Ginsberg and T.S. Eliot, and I bought some work out things to help myself to look hot. I'm not sure why I've always had an issue with spending money, like I never had any or like I wasn't allowed to. Both of those statements are completely false, so I have no idea where the thought came from, and how it stuck for so long.
Sometimes I like to shake my head back and forth really fast.

Swells of Discontent

2008-02-25T05:14:00.002-05:00

A common thought and response that runs through my head...

Maybe if I keep my mouth shut, things will be better, he'll like me more, I won't be such a bitch, and I'll be the perfect person to live with.
If I keep my mouth closed I'll turn into a doormat. My opinions will never get counted, and all of the beauty of the little things about me will never get seen.

Which is more important, which is the right thing to do? I don't believe anyone ever fully learns how to live with someone. There is no such thing as personalities that just fit like a puzzle. There are always quirks. It's just up to you to figure out if your man enough to accept those quirks as part of that person, and stop trying to change them.

Character

2008-02-24T14:45:00.000-05:00

I'd like to become a person of character

Teriyaki

2008-02-24T08:38:00.003-05:00

That will be my kryptonite. Yes I broke down and had Chinese food. I know I shouldn't have, but I was so hungry, that I had a terrible headache. So I ate it, and all of it at that. I could have asked for it dry, without the sauce and I probably wouldn't be having this conversation with you right now. But I didn't. I wasn't too smart. And I made the decision on my own, so I can't ask for your sympathy.
So I'm running on a total of 2 maybe 3 hours of sleep. My head, my right shoulder, and my left ribs, have some of the nastiest looking hives I have ever had. Again, I am not looking for sympathy, just letting you know how I'm feeling.
But besides that, I woke up with extraordinarily large hair. Something I've always loved, yes I do love big hair. I showered before bed and slept in wet hair, and yes, I love the results. I'm also highly considering going red again.
Yes I am well aware that this is probably one of the least interesting blogs from me. But today I'm feeling least interesting that usual.